The Viall Files - E787 Ask Nick - He’s Obsessed With His Ex

Episode Date: August 5, 2024

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! We start off the episode with a written Ask Nick. Then we get to our callers…  Our first caller is debating whether she should reach out to her ex, after his mom’s passing. Our second caller has been flirting with her neighbor, but he won't ask her out. And, our third caller is dating a guy who said her mom’s passing was a turn off. "You were fishing, and that's fine." Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice, send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Altoids - Find Altoids In The Check-Out Aisle! Grab Your Tin Today!  BetterHelp - Get it off your chest, with BetterHelp. Visit https://www.BetterHelp.com/VIALL today to get 10% off your first month. Grammarly -  Get AI writing support that works where you work. Sign up and download for FREE at https://www.grammarly.com/PODCAST   Vessi - Discover more fantastic styles at https://www.vessi.com/viall. Get your pair today to get an automatic 15% off your first purchase at checkout and be ready to stay cool and dry. Caraway - This deal is exclusive for our listeners, so visit https://www.Carawayhome.com/VIALL10 or use code VIALL10 at checkout. Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @justinkaphillips @leahgsilberstein @dereklanerussell @kymccarthy23 @allisonklemes

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When it comes to needing confidence and security to show up as your original self, Altoids has you covered. They're not just mints, they're curiously strong mints. Find Altoids in the checkout aisles. Grab your tin today. What's going on everybody? Welcome back to another fantastic episode of the Vile Files Ask Nick edition. I am your host Nick, joined by sweet boy Justin Scooter is off to motherland. Her maternity leave has begun. We are recording this before

We've gotten word on if there is a new baby into this world, but she could be listening by the time you're listening I believe the little guys here. Yeah, I mean she could be listening to this in the delivery room right now Hi, Leah. If you're listening, we love you. We miss you Scooter is off being a mom But we have a great week lined up for you an amazing episode of callers lined up for you as well. But before we do, I think Justin has a writer in her. I do. We have a writer in her who has the tagline boyfriend has STI. She's 24 years old and she writes in saying, I recently started seeing a new

guy who told me he has HPV and had genital warts in college. I know HPV can be common, but I am concerned about contracting the genital warts. If I did contract it, would that make me less desirable in future relationships? If a guy heard I had genital warts in the past, would he immediately decide not to pursue a relationship with me? And would I be looked at as dirty? A lot of my friends have said I should stop seeing this guy. I'm conflicted because I'm hopeful for where it can go. Looking forward to see what you have to say.

Yeah, this is a tough one. Well, the obvious answer is if you keep hooking up with them, you will run the risk of contracting it. Listen, if you participate in hookup culture, you run the risk of contracting HPV. I mean, there seems to be a lot of medical advancements. Is there a shot? Is there a vaccine available for it now? I don't know.

I mean, I feel like there has been advancements, so maybe look into talk to your doctor. I mean, I feel like there has been advancements. So maybe look into talk to your doctor. I mean, I would talk to your doctor. Yeah. More than anything. Maybe just talk to your doctor before you keep hooking up with him. If you're participating in hookup culture,

which is again, to say that you are having sex with people you barely know, and by barely know, I mean, you've known them less than six months, HPV is more common than not. And most people who have HPV don't know they have HPV is my understanding. And additionally to that,

I'm of the impression that unless a man has genital warts, there's no way to confirm a man is a carrier of HPV. Is that, I think I'm right about that. I could be wrong, probably because I'm not a doctor. Can you test in men for HPV is the question. Because there's like a million different strains, or tons of different strains of HPV. As of February 2024, there's no approved screening test for HPV in men. There you go. So most men, well, no men, you can't, you can't screen for HPV in men. The fact that he knows he's a carrier of HPV is because he had genital warts. But there are so many more men out there who are carriers that could give you HPV.

Now I'm of the impression or of the understanding, again, it could be wrong, not a doctor. There's several different strains of HPV, most of which don't actually cause general rewards, but his does. So that is a bigger risk with him. Has he dealt with it? I don't know. There's no cure for it, right? Or he said he had it in college. He said he had it in college. What does that mean?

And she's 24 now, so if we assume he's around her age, then they're like fresher out of college. Give her more like two years. I think she needs to talk to her doctor. Step one, understand what your risks are for hooking up with someone with HPV. I don't love the idea she's just breaking up with him because he was honest with her about a diagnosis,

a diagnosis that again, most men just don't know that they are carriers. That being said, since he knows his particular strand of HPV allowed him to contract genital warts, it's definitely more of a risk. I mean, knowing that none of us are experts in HPV on this call, let's just make this conversation more about like STDs, STIs in general,

and things like herpes, HPV, these are unfortunately very common things that more people have than I think people realize. You know, HPV and herpes are viruses that are, I think a lot of people, if you contract them, you don't necessarily have a reaction that make it obvious that you are a carrier. Undetected. Yeah, it can go undetected. It would be, I think it's tough. I get why her friends are telling her just to move on.

But what if you just, listen, how much do you like this guy? What do you know about him? I was gonna say, she wrote in with the headline saying boyfriend, then she says I'm seeing the guy. Then she said, her questions are, well, if I'm not in this relationship in the future. Well, I mean, I see that as like she recognizes she's only 24 and whether this guy becomes her boyfriend

or not, she doesn't know for sure whether it's gonna be her husband, right? She likes him, she doesn't really know much about him, right, what if you just didn't have sex for a while? Actually get to know the person, you know, make it less about sex, talk to your doctor, understand your risks, I don't really know, I don't know what risk she has of contracting it or how much her risks reduce if they like they use condoms. Maybe there's certain medication that she could be on. I don't

know. Maybe there is some sort of vaccine that protects her or maybe the risks are incredibly high that she would contract this, you know. So understand your risk from a medical standpoint and talk to your doctor, your OBGYN. Don't talk to your friends. Don't listen to us about that stuff. But in general, I think it's a little short-sighted to eliminate anyone who has contracted an STI. Given how prevalent STIs are these days, especially ones like HPV and herpes. And if you're gonna participate in hookup culture, you could end the relationship with this guy

and a couple of years later be out, dating the guy for a couple of weeks, decide to hook up. You think you know everything about him. He has no idea he's a carrier of whatever it is and you can contract an STI that way. Knowing that he actually has an STI actually makes her safer at least with him because again I'm not sure what your doctor is going to tell you but like she can go into this far more prepared and practice as much safe sex as possible with this

guy. So I don't think immediately break up you you know, find out what you care, if you care about this guy. I think it's a little short-sighted to eliminate people who have STIs and are honest about it. Like everyone deserves love. And I think people can have very successful relationships. Yeah, it is a plus two that he told her. So you can at least trust him to that extent. Yeah, you got a trustworthy guy here, you know,

a guy who wants to be honest with you. He could easily have not have told you. And sadly, I think a lot of people in his position wouldn't. Because other than, again, the fact that he noticed a genital ward is the only reason why he knows he has HPV because you can't test men for it. And so like you could be dating, you know, that's the thing. It's just like, it's entirely possible to like she could go to the doctor right now. She could test for HPV and she could come back positive.

And it would, and her doctor would be like, there's no way to know if you got it from him or someone else, unless it was the actual specific strain that they could test for because it is so hard to detect and it's impossible to detect in men and things can stay dormant. Again, this is my understanding. I'm not a doctor, but I think a lot of what I'm saying is fairly accurate. So, I think it's a bit short-sighted. I think if you like the guy,

have a conversation with your doctor, stop having sex with him, and thank him for his honesty. But I wanna just, I wanna understand more about this, I wanna talk to my doctor. I really care about you. I want to get to know you as a person and let's just move forward and maybe slow down on the physical side of things for now and get to know him.

You might fall more in love with him. And if you do, then it's really maybe worth being in a relationship with this guy despite this diagnosis that he has. You're not limiting your risk of getting HPV by ending it with him and continuing to participate in hookup culture with a bunch of men who have no idea whether they have HPV or not, right?

Does that make sense? Let us know in the comments though. Yeah, I think we're just really misinformed when it comes to this type of stuff. And I think we have this desire to wanna when it comes to this type of stuff. And I think we have this desire to want to have sex with anyone we want whenever we want to, but sometimes maybe we just have to, maybe it's a blessing. I don't know.

Maybe it's a blessing that you are going to be forced to get to know this guy. She's excited to see where it goes. So stay with them. Yeah, if you're, when was the last time you, yeah, if you, if you, if she can say she's excited to see where this relationship goes, then see where it goes. You don't have to be all that physical right now. Talk to your doctor, understand your risks and go from there. I think he, there's still a relationship potentially to be had here. All right. Well, uh, before we get to our college, don't forget to send in your questions at ask Nick at the vilefiles.com for all things

Ask Nick, texting office hours, you know the drill. We are back tomorrow for another groundbreaking episode of Reality Recap. It's jam-packed fun. Don't forget to tune into that. And then again on Thursday. Also, if you are looking for your updates, our update specials are behind Viol Files Plus. We got a ton of updates for you. So if you feel like you're missing on those updates, go to biofiles.com to sign up at the seven day free trial. You will not regret it. All right, let's get to our college.

How's it going? Hey, I'm Nicoletta. I am 30 So my ex-fiance's mom died from cancer and I'm wondering if I should reach out Okay, convince me you should reach out. I think that's where I keep going back and forth in my head is I don't really have a solid reason to 100% want to reach out. All right, maybe let's start with,

what are your concerns for reaching out? Yeah, my concerns for reaching out is the engagement ended on relatively bad terms. It could have been worse, but I was the one who ended things. And he had a pretty difficult time with things ending, which is super valid. And so my concern is that by reinserting myself

into his life, it would be an unwelcome presence. And especially within such a difficult time where he's grieving, I wonder, and it raises the question of could it potentially incite harm? How long ago did you guys break up? It was in September of 2022. Okay, so it's been a while. Yeah.

Have you had, when was the last time you spoke? November of 2022, and that was predominantly for logistics. So things like me returning the ring and making sure things were squared away on that end. Other than knowing his mom passed, what do you know about what's going on in his life? I don't know a lot. I've really just seen what's on social media,

which is, as we're all pretty aware, is a really one-sided kind of situation. From what I understand, he's still at the same job, which when we were together was one of the things that he actually was hoping to get out of. He was hoping to switch from hospitality into tech, but he's still in the same position. He was hoping to move. He's still in the same town. I'm assuming that has to do with his mom's cancer diagnosis and wanting to be around for her treatments and whatnot. I have been a part of his mom's Facebook support group that they had up and running for people in her life to keep her posted

on the cancer diagnostics and chemo treatments as they kept on getting more updates. And as she progressed through her chemo treatments, she was actually diagnosed when he and I were together. It was actually during our first breakup and I had flown down there to, I had actually flown down there to work things out. And it was when I was down there that she had gotten the diagnosis. And it was in part that diagnosis

and he was able to see how I was supporting him through that. That almost convinced him that he could see us having like a mutually supportive relationship because up until that point he was doing a lot of support for me. Oh, why? Yeah, that's a great question. I had really been struggling with some pretty severe mental health diagnoses. I was doing some mental health treatment programs and whatnot. And, and his support actually helped encourage me to like reach out for help with those, which was pretty cool.

So he had been kind of this really strong pillar in my life. And it's part of the reason why I have so much like incredible gratitude for him and our relationship and everything. But he did kind of take on a lot while I was going through a lot of that initial treatment and just supporting me in that way. Why did you break up with him? Even when we were together early on, things didn't feel as much as he was supportive of me and as much as I knew that he loved me and cared for me, I was never sure that my feelings were entirely reciprocated. What do you mean by you don't feel like your feelings were

like you felt for you felt stronger for him than you felt like he felt for you? I felt like it was the opposite. I felt like he loved me a lot more than I loved him. And in some ways, there's no question that I loved him. Yeah, I absolutely loved him. I guess it's different for everyone, but I guess how much someone loves someone else is I guess a matter of perspective. And hard to say who loves know, who loves who more

in a relationship, you know, as long as you both feel like you love each other. But what was it about his feelings towards you that I guess felt wrong or like didn't add up, right? Because if you knew you loved him on its own, it doesn't, right, like you understand that doesn't make sense to say, well, I know I loved him, but ultimately I felt like he loved me more.

So I felt like we couldn't be together. Yeah, I think the type of love that it was is the difference. So I know that I loved him and it took me a little bit to figure out what the kind of love that I felt towards him was. We had been really close friends for several years before we entered into a romantic relationship.

And I think I felt a really more comprehensive level of like this, I don't know if you're familiar with like this agape love, but this like really full-bodied like appreciation for him as a human being kind of love. Whereas his for me was this like romantic partner, like one that you would more traditionally expect to see within a romantic relationship. What was, how was your physical connection or your,

you know, sex life and things like that. I mean, is it ultimately come down to that, or you just saw him more as a friend? Yeah, that was, that was a relatively difficult thing for me. Yeah, I definitely, I don't wanna say that I saw him as a friend because it felt like a level above friendship, but the sexual attraction wasn't necessarily there for me as much in the same way.

And that definitely became an issue, especially towards the end of our relationship. How are you dating now? I am dating. Yes. But just going on dates. I don't have a partner. Gotcha. Okay. I mean, listen, I don't really have a clear answer for you. What does your gut tell you in terms of how he will receive your message? Like if you had to make a guess. Oh my gosh, my gut? I don't know if I have an answer for that question. I think how I've been thinking about it is if the tables were turned, how I would feel.

Less productive of a, that's yeah, because you're not him. You broke up with him. You can't relate to how he feels about you because you're not him. You broke up with him. You can't relate to how he feels about you because you felt differently about him. Have you dealt with the loss of a parent? Not the loss of a parent. And my family dynamics are a little bit different than his. So yeah, so I guess it's tough.

You're gonna do more overthinking and get less clear answers by trying to compare as much as like, listen, I think it's a great exercise in general, especially when it comes to trying to be empathetic towards someone to just try to put yourself in their shoes. But you're trying to put yourself in the shoes of a person you haven't spoke to in a couple years regarding a situation you can't specifically relate to and knowing that you guys felt differently about one each other when things were over, you're kind of just guessing, you know, but you do know the man, right, as long as it's been and you do know how he reacts to different

situations, you know, and like when you date someone for a while you just kind of can you can anticipate how they handle being triggered and I guess that's why when I say like what does your gut tell you your instincts, like just kind of picturing him, you know, reading this message, like what's the image that comes in your head of how he might react? He's one of the kindest people ever. That's the biggest heart. So I know he wouldn't respond with hatred in any way, but that's not necessarily what I'm concerned about. I'm concerned about it causing distress on his end because I don't want to add any more of that

to an already terrible situation. How many did his mom pass? Less than a month ago. Less than a month ago. Okay. Yeah, like, so that, if you would have said like last week, I've been like, maybe give it some time. You know, you don't have to be the first person to give them offer condolences. Right? You

know, the good news is like, if you decide not to reach out, right, like, don't give yourself too much credit. Obviously, you were a big part of his life. Obviously, your breakup affected him and it hurt him. But obviously, the passing of a parent is significant and bad. And I'm guessing the first thing that's coming to his mind is, are you gonna reach out? You know, like had you guys broken up a couple weeks ago, it would probably be the first thing on his mind. It would probably be how he deals with the loss of his mom by focusing his energy on whether his ex-girlfriend

is gonna have the courtesy to reach out, you know? Because it's like, and then part of it would be hope, right? Hope would be like, that part of like, I'm really going through it, I hope she feels sorry for me enough to give me another chance, you know, things like that. You know, if he was still dealing with the heartbreak, I'm gonna assume he's not dealing

with the heartbreak anymore. It's possible, who knows? If he's still dealing with it, that means he clearly hasn't dealt with it and there's nothing you could have done differently about it, right? But it's not raw, it's been a couple years, right? So if you opt not to reach out,

which I think is a totally acceptable answer, just know that like it might one day cross his mind that you didn't reach out and he might feel a certain way about it, but ultimately it's not gonna affect him all one way or the other. He might have an opinion about it, but ultimately it's not going to affect him all one way or the other. He might have an opinion about it, but that doesn't really matter. That doesn't really matter what he thinks of you. I know we'd like people to think the best of us, but it really, you have no idea

what he's been thinking about you or of you the past two years, and ultimately hasn't affected your life one way or the other. If you do decide to reach out, your intention is to offer condolences, yes and nothing more? Yeah, I think the intention behind it is not even necessarily wanting a response just like from one human to another to just genuinely express how sorry I am as someone who got to see how special of a person his mom was and to see how much as a family they love each other. Yeah. And I think that's great and beautiful. So if you were to respond, I guess,

I don't think there's anything wrong with it. I definitely don't think you have to, and you're right. If you do reach out, there is a possibility that it's gonna affect him in a way that you would rather not affect him. But it's been a while. And so just make sure a couple of the deaf, and I don't think you will,

and I don't think you need me to say this to you, but don't bring you two up. Don't make it anything about other than the passing of his mom. It's just like, hey, I'm assuming you'd like email him this or send a card. Are you thinking about calling? I wouldn't call. Well, probably text.

Okay. Like a Facebook message. I don't know if I have probably text. Okay. Like a Facebook message. I don't know if I have his email. I guess I might be able to find it from his work. No, honestly, text is probably the best. You know, I'm just kind of, hey Mike, Mike or whatever. I don't know. I'm so sorry for your loss.

You know how wonderful I thought of your mother. She was such a beaming light, whatever you wanna say. And just really make it about his mom and just how much she will be missed and what she meant to the world. I wouldn't even say what she meant to you because it almost will bring back the reminder of you being a part of their lives.

So it's just really like she was such a wonderful person. Keep it fairly basic and you know, kind of what anyone would say about someone passing and keep it really short. I wouldn't even say it's been a while or anything like that in terms of, it's just, I wanted to reach out and just, oh, you're like, you know,

because your mom is a very special lady and I am praying for you and your family, you know, or something like that. But real basic, all about her, no references to both directly or indirectly to your guys' relationship. And that's all you can really do. How does that feel? Yeah, it feels good. I think reaching out does feel like something I want to do.

Like after sitting with it for a little bit and having a little bit of time to think on it, reaching out does feel good. But again, I just I keep on going back on whether or not like I don't want to make it seem like he is not incapable of moving on from the breakup. And I know that's not my responsibility to ensure people have like are able to move on. I just know he took it so hard. And I don't know, I just, I get nervous about crossing that bridge again, I guess. Now that makes sense. I don't know, maybe wait a couple months?

You know, I guess there's that. You could wait a little bit. Yeah, I mean, I'm not going to obviously give you a perfect answer. You're just going to have to trust your instincts. It sounds like you want to reach out, and that makes a lot of sense because this is someone you knew who passed and you want to pay your respects and offer your condolences. You don't want to pretend your respects and offer your condolences and you don't want to pretend that this didn't happen. There's obviously like feelings involved and it's a sensitive topic

but he should really be okay and as long as you don't say anything that could trigger him, you know, there's no guarantee there but he should have moved on by now. I just, I have a hard time of, you know, yeah, I don't, I don't know, I guess I don't have a clear answer, but like I can't promise you he's gonna be okay, right? And you know, I guess, you know, cause you're just kind of painting this picture that like you're worried and I understand,

like you're worried that like, my God, his mom just died and I'm gonna selfishly reach out. And then he just hearing from me is gonna like be an extra fish fucking dagger in his heart. And I don't wanna do that, you know? But like, would he have known that he was in your mom's Facebook support group? I'm not sure.

I'm not sure if they forgot to kick me out after the breakup or, I mean, I was a little nosy, so I kept myself in. And I say nosy in the sense that I genuinely was interested as people who were part of my life and wanted the updates since I wasn't having contact with them in any other way. But yeah, I'm not sure. I guess I assumed that there was some kind of oversight with that, but I don't know that for a fact. dwelling on the idea of it being this big deal about the relationship and me potentially being this other dagger is he just was very clear that I was like his first great love. Like I was the first person he had been in a relationship with. I was the first person

that he had truly been in love with. Um, and I know for me and for many others, those are difficult. To get over, yeah. Yeah. It is, but it's still been two years. I mean, it's a long time to not get over someone. And I'm not saying he's indifferent about you, but I think you're well-intentioned. I think you're not going to make it about you.

And the fact that you were so self-conscious about it, like I think, you know, ultimately, you're just gonna have to trust your instincts. But it feels like not reaching out feels wrong to you, and that much you know. Yeah, it does. There's something that feels a little bit disrespectful in that way as well.

I mean, what if you didn't text and sent a card? I only say that because I feel like a text is something like, text is a way you guys used to communicate obviously as most people do. You know he sees a text he's going to see your name and that will in itself and theory be triggering. You know it's like oh shit for a split second he might have hope or whatever like oh my god you know his mom has passed or like a little less than a month ago so if you waited a couple weeks he might assume it's about your mom, but who knows? But there is a chance you could,

and then you send a text like, hey, I'm so sorry, but it's specifically to you, where almost like a card could be to the family. And again, I don't know how he's gonna take it. He might be offended that you made it about his family and less about you. If he's still hoping to get back together with you in a weird way, it's gonna be,

like there'll be something about him that's kinda mad that he just, that you didn't acknowledge the relationship. But again, we can't, I guess what I'm saying it's been so long that you have to give him the benefit of the doubt that he's had the strength and ability to move on past this heartbreak. We don't know for sure. I understand you were his for sure. I understand

you were his first love. I recognize that first loves are very hard to get over, but it has been two years. And I'd love to give him the benefit of the doubt that he's been capable of dealing with that loss and maybe just even kind of over it, or maybe he's happy it didn't work out. I don't know. So we don't really know. Me too. I was a handful so. Maybe he realizes that, yeah.

It's entirely possible. But I guess if you were, again, sending a text would find, but like sending a card is a little bit more formal. It's a little like, it's making it about your mom. He opens the card. It's like, if you send a card and it has your name on it, like he's gonna, I don't think he's gonna think you sent up a love letter.

It's probably gonna be, like, they're gonna assume it's condolences, I don't know. Maybe that's a terrible idea, but I just feel like that is a way to make it about his mom and less about, and that could be to the family less than to him. I used to send our relationship was predominantly long distance. So I used to send them cards all the time. Do you think that makes a difference? Not really. Okay. Actually, it makes it makes me think you should definitely send a card

then. Okay. When you say them, you mean his family or him? Family and him, yeah. Yeah, I don't think it makes much of a difference. Could you send a card to his family? Yeah, like is his dad still in the picture? Is his dad still alive? Yeah, yeah. How do you think he would take if you sent a card to his dad and not him?

That feels a little bit more overwhelming to me because I never got any closure with the family. Like I never got to say goodbye to the mom, dad, sister after the breakup. My ex-fiance was the only person that I had any source of goodbye with. I kind of like the idea of sending a card. I, you know, I don't know. I don't think there's any a perfect way. And I think this is all based off of a lot of unknowns. I don't think it taxes a bad way either. I think whatever feels the most natural to you, you just have to decide to do it and

not worry about how he might respond. And let's just give him the benefit of the doubt that he was able to move on in the past two years. Yeah. I just think if your gut tells you it's he was able to move on in the past two years. Yeah, I just think if your gut tells you it's the right thing to do, then you should just follow and trust your gut. I think the fact that you are trying to be as considerate as possible,

and you're not making this about you, you know what I'm saying? You're not using this as an excuse to check in to see if he's still missing you, which is, some people do shit like that. You really seem like you're trying to do the right thing. And listen, no good deed goes unpunished as they say. So, you know, I don't know if this will backfire.

I don't know if this will open up a can of worms. And all of a sudden he uses like you reaching out as a way to like vent to you. And I don't know, maybe he, maybe you send a card or a text and he comes back with like, just getting things off his chest. That's all possible. Like, so I'm making no, I don't know this guy, right? And he is going through a loss right now. But I think what's important if you decide to do this

is to know in your heart why you're doing it, you know? And that your intention is to pay your respect to someone that was in your life at a period of time and someone you cared about. And despite not wanting him in your life, you care about him. And it has been two years. It would maybe be a in your life, you care about him. And it has been two years. It would maybe be a little insensitive for you to do it. Like, you know, if you broke up a month or two ago, not knowing how he's feeling, but that's not the case. And so knowing that you

don't know how he's going to react, like I just would decide what you're to do and then own that decision and just do it and like not regret no matter how it plays out not regret it like you can't second guess what you decide to do if it doesn't go the way you hope no absolutely that makes a lot of sense I think that's part of the scary thing is it's just letting go of a lot of control and acknowledging that you know it could go in a million different directions. I mean, if you read my book and that's it, my book would tell you not to. I do mention funerals in there. I mean, the whole, the book's called Don't Text Your Ex Happy Birthday.

But I, you know, like the premise is being like, it's been two years, you're not in his life, you're not responsible for his emotional well-being. And like, there's a world where he comes, it comes across as like cold that you didn't reach out, but like him thinking you're cold in the long term might be best for him again, if he hasn't moved on to in fact move on and like, you can still pay your respects to his mom through a prayer or just like thinking of her and just, you know, wishing her well, you know, just kind of in your mind. And that's going to be okay too, you mind, and that's gonna be okay too.

Knowing that if you didn't reach out to him, like he will be fine, and it doesn't really say anything about you or your relationship, and you really don't owe this person anything anymore. So I don't think there's a wrong answer. I think you're well past reaching out where it's like you're really making this moment about you

because it has been so long? No, I mean I contemplated that too almost like the idea of living amends and how I could pay it forward instead of reaching out and if that might be a better idea instead of actually making contact. I mean I want you to recognize you and I have been talking on the phone for the better half hour now. Clearly you wrote into us talking about this. You clearly have invested a lot of emotional energy already wondering if you should do that.

And I think it's important that you recognize there's a greater chance that he hasn't thought about whether you are gonna reach out at all. And he's just been focusing on the loss of his mom and all the other shit that's been going on in his life the past two years. And I would be willing to bet there's a greater chance that that's the case than he's been wondering

why you haven't reached out. So recognize that and then make your decision. Cause I don't want you to make this decision even based off of this guilt that you should. Yeah, I'm taking that in. It almost has to be a, I wanna say selfish act, but it really should be for you. You're not doing it for him.

You are doing this for you. And that's okay, because you think it's the right thing to do, and that's fine. And doing the right thing is a good thing to do. But is there a way to do the right thing without maybe reaching out? So once you recognize that maybe he hasn't thought about why you haven't reached out at all,

and ultimately maybe he doesn't care. Or if he thought about it, maybe he'd care, but he hasn't thought about it, so it's not that big of a deal about it. And maybe you're just spending way too much energy trying to be considerate to someone that you remember from two years ago. He could be a completely different person.

He might not be. He has the same job, I get that. So it's not like, you know, but maybe like you said, maybe having the same job as mostly solely around his mom and nothing else. To summarize, I don't think there's any wrong answer. I think you just gotta go with what's in your heart and you have to accept the outcome,

regardless of what that outcome is, once you decide to do it. And if you do decide not to do it, own that decision and like, let it go, you know, don't decide not to do it. And then keep wondering if that was the right decision. It's like, you're reading my mind. Um, okay. Just human nature.

Yeah. Okay. No, that's, that's good advice. I still don't know if I have like a firm exact point of direction, but I appreciate. I don't know if you're gonna get one, you know? And I think ultimately it's gonna be a snap decision. And I think we could get off the phone

and you could table it if you had the mental strength to do that and like to set it aside and be like, I don't know what I'm gonna do, but I'm just not gonna think about it for a while. Sometimes like people will be like, oh, maybe you should sit in it for a while. And I'll be like, I don't know why, I'm either gonna stop thinking about it

and then I'll remember to think about it the next time you remind me or I'm just gonna decide now. Or sometimes I actually might give it some thought, you know, I don't know if that does that make sense to you? And I'll be like, well, I'll just decide now because I know that I'm not gonna think about it between now when you bring it up to me next time.

So I'll just make a decision now. If you actually think that like more time might serve you better, then maybe you have, but it sounds like you've already spent a lot of time debating this, probably talked to a few friends, maybe talked to a therapist, now you're talking to me. And even after all that, it's still unsure. And the reason why is because you don't know

what's going on in his head and none of us who you've talked to or yourself can like, you know, predict the future or read his mind or know what's going on, you know? And so it's all a bunch of like guesses. That it is. Yeah. Yeah.

Either you don't reach out and if you don't reach out, you kind of say a prayer and just say, have a little ceremony in your head of like, say your goodbyes and wish him well in your mind. And like, I'm not that spiritual of a person, but I really feel like putting out a positive energy into the universe is a good thing to do. And then you just accept that that was a decision

that you made and know that like, trust, you're giving your, you are giving yourself a little too much credit by thinking well if I don't reach out like how's this going to affect him he'll be fine it really is for you but if you do decide to reach out again that's okay but you are doing it still for you and you just have to accept that there is a chance it could trigger him but again you are still giving yourself way too much credit by assuming that he hasn't gotten over it yet. But there is a risk that you could be wrong. Yeah, I know I appreciate the humility check there.

So yeah, okay. This was helpful. I'm going to sit with this for a little bit. If I were you, I would wanna- The little back burner. If this matters to you at all. But if I were in your shoes, I would want to, if this matters to you at all, but if I were in your shoes, I would want to reach out. I would convince myself it was the right thing to reach out,

but ultimately I would know that I shouldn't and then I would not. I feel like that's where I've been most points in time. Like I almost reached out when his mom entered into hospice and I like almost reached out that there have been several points throughout this process that I've been following along with and I've kind of been doing that same progression. Yeah if you reach out out of guilt you're reaching out for you not for him. I don't think it's reaching out out of guilt though I think as I articulated earlier, I genuinely would just want to relay like from one person to another, just that I am just genuinely so sorry. And that is just ultimately the only intention behind it.

Do you think that if he, if you were to cross his mind and he were to ask himself if you felt remorse for the passing of his mom, that he would think that you did? Do you mind rephrasing the question? remorse for the passing of his mom that he would think that you did? Do you mind rephrasing the question? Well, it's like you said, I generally would want to reach out just to say, I'm sorry that this has happened. And, and I guess my question is like, do you have to say that for him to know that to be true? And I guess the question is if he were to, if, if you were to cross his mind

and if he were to ask himself why he didn't reach out, would the most emotionally mature version of him probably say, you know what, I bet she does feel bad. I bet she would offer her condolences and probably hasn't reached out because of our past. Yeah. I think there's a potential of that. Yeah, me too.

I know he's also expressed her historically about me not reaching out though, so it's. Sure, but I went when, how recently? No, this was. Yeah, but I think that's again, that's him being in his feelings towards you. That's him having an immense amount of hope. That's him having expectations of you as his girlfriend or him wanting to be your girlfriend. So I get where that comes from, right?

Any, you know, like I said, if you had just broken up, like this would be a completely different conversation. But we have to, we have to give him the benefit of the doubt that he has moved on. We don't know. And I'm guessing whether how, no, gross of how he feels about you and his sadness that deep down he still thinks you're a good person and the person he did fall in love with like, and it's, it's a bro of our, to our egos to realize that people we care about maybe don't want to be with us, but like, I think he knows that you probably do feel sad and remorse and that yeah.

My gut says don't reach out. I'm going to, I'm going to close with that, but I don't think it's, I don't think it's, I don't think it's wrong if you do. But I think the fact that you are overthinking it as much as you are, you don't have a clear answer and you haven't spoke with him in two years. I think you can be sad about the fact that she passed and be sad for his family.

And I don't know if you really need to reach out for that to be acknowledged, you know, like if that makes sense. Yeah, absolutely. I think you can trust that they know that you are sorry. And if you were to run into them, you know, can say, I've been thinking a lot about them and, you know, out of respect, you know,

it makes sense why you didn't reach out, I guess is what my, you know, type of thing. You know that there's a small chance that this could affect them in ways that you didn't reach out, I guess is what my, you know, type of thing. You know that there's a small chance that this could affect him in ways that you don't want to affect him, and you don't want to do that. And that makes a lot of sense. Okay.

Okay, that was helpful. Okay. Sorry I couldn't be more helpful. I know there's not a clear answer. No, well there's not a clear answer, but it was helpful just to hash it out a little bit more and talk through everything. So I appreciate the space.

Okay. My final thing is if you aren't gonna let it go, then just do it. Okay. All right. I mean, maybe that'll be your answer, you know? If you're still wondering and still wondering after you decide not to do it, just send the fucking text and be done with it.

Okay. Because that's just basically you saying I'm just gonna keep rumining over this until it's done but at some point you got to drop it and again the humility it's like you maybe not maybe you're just not as important as you worry that you are in his life these days it's very possible, yeah. Definitely possible. All right? All right, thank you Nick. Take care, please let us know what you decide for sure. Yeah, absolutely.

All right. All right, thanks for the time. All right, take care, bye bye. This show is brought to you by BetterHelp, whether you are struggling with work or money or finances or relationships, whether your schedule is packed with too many kids activities, big projects, it doesn't matter.

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slash podcast again that's Grammarly.com slash podcast G-R- M M A R L Y dot com slash podcast. Easier said done. How's it going? Well, what's your name? My name is Brittany. I'm 30 years old and my neighbor flirts with me, but he will not ask me out. Your neighbor down the hall across the hall, three floors below side by side. What, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, hall, three floors below, side by side, across the street on the same block?

He's not near me, but we live in the same building. And it's a pretty big building. So I don't see him all the time, but like every couple of weeks or so, we'll bump into each other. When you say flirts with you, what do you mean? I guess this all kind of started a couple of months ago. We met at the pool in the building and we were talking for a pretty long time, like over an hour. Really good

conversation. Talked about, I wouldn't say deep stuff, but just it wasn't surface level conversation. It was good and we were vibing a lot and we exchanged numbers. I wouldn't say it felt flirty at that point, but like definitely kind of going somewhere. Why did you exchange numbers? Who and who asked for whose number? Good question. So shout out to my friend, but she was also at the pool and she was kind of there when we were all getting up to leave. Kind of like I was walking ahead of them and she nudged him like, hey, are you going to get her number? And he was like, oh, I don't know. I thought I'd just see her around. And she was like, no, no, no, you should get her number. So yeah, shout out to her.

She was a good wing woman. I hate that for you. He didn't ask for your number. Your friend was playing matchmaker and his initial response was, eh. And then like to defuse the situation, kind of was like, all right, fine, here's my number. And in that moment, any guy who was like really

even half interested in asking you out would have been like, yeah, I'd love to get your number. But a guy who was like, uh, that tells me like he doesn't. What's this guy look like on a scale of one to 10, where would you throw him in there superficially? I would say like a seven. Okay.

He's a good looking. Okay. Do you think he's generally comfortable around women? Do you think he gets approached a decent amount? Is he over six foot? Yes. Okay. That's all I needed to know.

So here is a man who's over six foot. So I don't need to know nothing more about him to know that he stands out to women generally his age. He's in a category that has less than 10% of all men, I don't even know how many men are over six foot, but it's a much smaller number than I think most women realize or hope, and as a result, he gets a decent amount of attention.

So he's used to attention, I guess is my point of saying this, and he knows what it's like to be set up, he knows what it's like to be flirted with. He wasn't an idiot in that moment to know that your friend was like, hey, maybe you guys should get together, you know? And his first response was like, I just thought we'd see each other around.

And that is not a guy who, to me, sounds like he was hoping there would be a way to ask your number and he was a little bit nervous because he kind of wanted to ask you out. And even if he wasn't sure if he would follow through with it. To me, that was a guy who had like a nice conversation with a girl, really enjoyed it.

Didn't think too much of it. Knows that you live in his building. Thought he made a friend. Someone he would say hi to in the halls if they ran into each other. If you guys saw each other at the pool, be like, hey, but like, definitely wasn't that interested in like,

taking it further than that and maybe asking you on a date or fuck around with you or whatever it was. You hate me. Okay, I mean, there's more context. Tell me the context. I do think that you like kind of nailed it already. Yeah, I'm happy, I think you should tell me the context because I'm guessing this context will be

the difference between me knowing and in that moment that's all I needed to hear and the conversations you have with your girlfriends about all the things that he could or said or did that like maybe it means x y or z and I'm like okay sure by the end of the day when they had the opportunity to give you his number his first response was uh but let's let's play let's have some fun like give me the context. Okay let's's do it. Yes. Okay. So he did text me immediately. He said, great conversation. We texted all through that evening and he threw out like a, oh, I would invite you up, but I don't have any wine because I was drinking wine in the pool. And I said, no worries. Let's grab a glass this week. And he said, for sure.

And then the conversation kind of ended. Then he texted me the next day and just kind of joking about something we talked about the day before. And then that was that. And I didn't hear from him for like a week and a half. So at that point, I just reached out to him. I was like, hey, any plans this weekend? He said, yeah, I'm going on a bachelor party.

And we kind of just ended up talking about that for a bit. Again, like texted for a few hours. And at this point, like eight o'clock PM rolls around and he's like, what are you doing right now? And I'm like, oh, just like at my house. And he's like, I'm about to watch a movie if you'd like to join, if you'd like to join. If you'd like to come up and join.

So I, at that point, I was like, I still don't really know this guy. This is definitely that Netflix and chill type situation. That's not what I wanna do. And in that moment when he text you, just so you know, the most likely explanation for that text was that he had your number, right? So in your mind you're thinking, oh well my girlfriend suggested to give you his

number. He did. He texted me. Great. To me that's him being polite. And then you're probably thinking, well I mean he texted me and like it's not what I want but he did think about me. You're probably thinking, oh like I was his first choice to Netflix and chill. And even though I didn't want to next list and chill, at least I was like his first choice or I was a choice. And I think it's far more likely that in that moment, he desired companionship. Maybe not to have sex or maybe not to do anything, but like he was just a little bored and lonely. It felt I was comfortable with this person and maybe he wasn't sure where he wanted to go.

And he was like, oh, I can text her. You were the path of least resistance in that moment to him desiring some kind of companionship in that moment. Yeah, that sounds about right. Okay, all right. Let's keep going, all right, this is fun. Yes, okay, so yeah, I decline. I told him I had some stuff to do for work.

And then- By the way, awesome job that you declined. Maybe not a younger me, but we do learn. Yeah, that's all we can do. Yeah, so I declined and then he got a little short. He was just like, LOL. Like that was his only response to me. That was his response? LOL?

Yeah. Well, so his response, or my response was like, I have some work to do. He said that sucks. I kind of justified it by saying like, oh yeah, but I like gave, I gave more context. I said, like, I stopped working early today. And so like, I have to hop back on now. And that's when he was like, LOL. So just pretty short, like, and then I started to think, is he offended or maybe he just didn't give a fuck.

Like he's like, okay. Yeah. Like, yeah. So that was kind of the end of that. The conversation fizzled out. I asked him the next day for his Instagram. So then there's been like a little bit of correspondence here or there on Instagram. I'm guessing you asking for his Instagram was like, I don't know what to ask this guy.

I want to keep the conversation going. I'll ask for his Instagram. Yeah, exactly. Like, Oh, maybe know what to ask this guy. I wanna keep the conversation going. I'll ask for his Instagram. Yeah, exactly. Like, maybe we'll talk on there. I don't know. It seems like that's something that people do once they... Well, yeah, and then that was the thing. You were just more like, this is something I,

this could be something I asked. Exactly. Just like threw it out there. My guess is also like the following day, you maybe were second guessing yourself, should I gone over? You already said that you were wondering if he was offended you were overthinking about you not going over there and so you were like

hey like yeah I was kind of thinking maybe I could like make something happen there I guess sure like yeah you were fishing it's all right yeah nothing really happened there though like we follow each other on Instagram he likes my stuff I like his stuff. That's kind of it. I see him in the building from time to time. We chit chat, we catch up. And I mean, that's about it on the context.

And then I think I just did a lot of going back and forth in my mind and talking to my friends and every person has a different opinion. Like some people would be agreeing more with you. And then other people are like, but he did this and he did that. Like some people would be agreeing more with you and then other people are like, but he did this and he did that. Like, what does this mean? You know, trying to decipher what everything meant. And so for a while I wanted to reach out one more time, but I just knew that if I did that and it didn't lead to anything that I would be, you know, every time

I saw him in the building, it'd be like, Oh yeah, like I kind of showed my face there. And so I held back and never reached out again, but that just left me with the open question of, you know, just. Was this like, if you want to do, he would hit situation or was this something else? But what could that something else be more like a, yeah, I mean, it could be a lot of things, but like probably not as realistic. Those would all be just kind of guesses, right? Exactly.

Yeah, if he wanted to, he would. This is definitely if he wanted to, he would situation. Try not to take it all that personal. There may be a million reasons why, you know, like I remember when I was single, I found a lot of reasons not to go out with people. And maybe that was me being guarded or closed off. And maybe there was some truth to that or,

you know, and I might have thought they were pretty or thought they were nice or, you know, but at the end of the day, there was something that told me like, I don't know, I just don't know if this is my person or, or whatever. For you to get what you want, the most likely scenario is that like, maybe you would have gone on a couple dates and maybe it would have been quite lovely. And maybe you would have a little, had a little sex and dated for a while and it could have most likely fizzled out or something. And then it would have been kind of awkward and you would have gone on a couple dates and maybe it would have been quite lovely and maybe you would have a little Have a little sex and dated for a while and it could have most likely fizzled out or something and then it would have been Kind of awkward and you would have broke up or whatever You know what I'm saying? But like probably not your guy and I'm just I'm just guessing that he was just for whatever reason

Able to kind of figure that out without like having to ask you on a date and it's really not a you know and so like you just have to not really make it about like You know not like you know, it's hard because like, it's hard, because ultimately you feel a little bit rejected, your ego's triggered, and it sucks. But it might just be like, he doesn't wanna like fuck around with someone who's in his building, you know? And it's just like, there is that.

And again, the Netflix and chill, you're like, oh, why would he have asked me over to come and watch a movie? Because again, in that moment, all he was thinking about is companionship. And then after you said no, the next day, he was probably like, I'm glad she said no. He honestly probably jerked off

and then was like, yeah, okay, I'm good. But yeah, you've been bored before. Like we make some of the dumbest decisions in our life when we're bored. In fact, if you can recognize you're bored and then you're making a fairly even remotely big decision, chances are you should warn yourself. Yeah, I mean, I've been in his shoes.

Like I've been bored and I'm also, like you said, there's people we meet that like they're a great person. There's nothing glaringly wrong with them that you just, you know, aren't feeling it. And it's not personal, so. Yeah, no, maybe you just like don't want the hassle or whatever. Maybe you're just like, ugh. Maybe your friend made it,

not that I don't want you to be like, oh, I can't believe my friend did this, but maybe your friend put too much pressure on, like sometimes when, I'm just saying, when the ladies have a friend who's like, oh my God, you guys should date, it kind of makes you almost look a little needy. Yeah, it could go both ways.

You know? I guess it depends on the situation and the guy, because sometimes they need that push, but yeah, sometimes it could just be a turn off. But either way, I think it'd be okay. And I think, yeah, I think we just let this guy go and stop wondering why he hasn't reached out. If a guy wants to give you his number,

he will give you his number. And if he needs a nudge from a friend, he definitely would have jumped at that opportunity. And he was like, oh, I thought we would just bump into each other. Okay. And yeah, he texts almost certainly right away, just because he's polite and he's nice.

You know, he's nice. Sorry. That's okay. What did you think I was gonna say? It wasn't that big of a, it wasn't that big of an ego hit. Wow, it's like interesting being on this end of it. Like I'm always listening and I don't know,

listening to your advice and like, I usually agree with it. And I just never really thought of what it would be like to be on the receiving end of it. Hopefully it wasn't too harsh. No, I would say I'm typically pretty aligned with the way you think about things. And it's the advice I give other people.

It's just like never the advice I can give myself. Yeah, I mean, it's because you're emotionally invested. You are invested in the outcome. And that's why sometimes it's tough to get advice from friends because your friends are invested in the outcome too. They want what's best for you. They want to see you happy.

I mean, I wanna see you happy, but you know what I'm saying? I have no problem being like, I don't, you're gonna be fine. So it's just seeing things a little clearly and with an unbiased lens, through an unbiased lens. That's all. How's dating otherwise? Yeah. Kind of sucks.

You know, the typical, I don't like the apps and hard to meet people in person. Sure. Do you live in a big city? I do. Pretty big. Yeah, just keep on. How old are you again? 30.

Okay. Great age. How old was he? Yeah, he was 35. I will be fine. I think it's a matter of just like not giving up. And sometimes I want to give up and like go back to exits. So because I'm like, oh, this is hard. And like that situation did kind of work or that person did really love me. Like, I don't like, ah, this is hard. Like that situation did kind of work or that person did really love me.

Like, is it really worth all of this? I know the feeling, but you just gotta stay patient and stay strong and like, don't think of it as giving up rather than just maybe taking a break or taking a time out, you know? And there's more than two choices than like muscling through the dating pool or going back to exes.

You could just, you know, be comfortable with being single without trying not to be for a moment, which I'm sure you've done before, you know, but I think anytime we enter the dating pool and we get on the apps or whatever and it feels exhausting, you feel fatigued, just pause. Even if it's for like a week, if you're like, I'm just gonna think about dating

for a while, I'm gonna delete these apps. Maybe you download them again two weeks later, but for a moment you just need to take a break a little bit because it is exhausting. You're gonna go through so many more, you're gonna meet so many more guys that aren't your guy and every time you meet a guy that's not your guy, like this guy, he's a nothing burger to you.

You know what I'm saying? You had a conversation in the pool, you exchanged numbers, and it gave you a little bit of excitement and hope, which is nice, but ultimately you knew nothing about him. And in a weird way, you still feel rejected. So that takes a bit of an emotional toll on you. And that's hard, and that sucks. And the reality is, is like, this guy doesn't really have an impact on your self-worth or who you are. And you just not have to, you don't have to like feel all that rejected over it.

So just take a, take a break from it. And then when you're over it, which you should, you know, will be quickly and just kind of get back out there. I know this is all very easy for me to say, but. Oh, I agree. I think I'm at peace with it. And I'm, I'm just glad I didn't go

take the next step or action, because then it actually would have been embarrassing, whereas right now it's just. Yeah, that's the thing. This is kind of a win. Oh yeah, we text it a little bit, it's fine. Yeah. Right? The only thing that happens, you had a conversation, the last interaction you had is you turning him down.

For all he knows, you're just like, honestly, this guy sucks, he's a fuck boy, I'm over this. Yeah. Right? You didn't follow up again, you can keep your head high. You don't have to feel like he rejected you, you just moved on, you just kind of called him out on his bullshit, you know?

So that's a win. Agreed. Well good luck out there. Okay. Okay, thank you so much. All right, take care. Okay. Bye bye. Bye.

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And don't forget to mention that you heard about Caroway from us in their post purchase survey. Caroway non-toxic cookware made modern. How's it going? Hi, I'm Lily and I'm 30. and the guy who was dating told me the way that my mom passed was a turnoff. The guy you were dating or the guy you are dating? So we've since ended, but yeah.

Okay. But I have follow up questions. Yeah. Okay. So I'm assuming it ended because of that? Actually I gave him another chance and then He re-ended it. He ended it after that and then re-ended it again. So he yeah, I guess like my Yes, he did. How does your mom pass? She took her own life. I'm very sorry about that. It's okay

I mean I've worked through it though, but it was a few it was like a lot of years ago But and how long were you dating this guy before you opened up to him about that? A little bit over a month. And the reason I opened up about it was because he started opening up to me about his ex who apparently had died in a similar way. So basically what happened was like,

it had been going really well. It was very consistent and good communication. And then he like coached for me one night and we started getting like deeper. And he told me about his ex whose dad had passed in a similar way. Then he like said that she, they like moved in together and he supported her and then she ended up cheating on him a ton and then they obviously ended. But like then it really, it was a lot.

And so I thought I don't normally share it that early on, but I felt like it was a good time to tell him like, oh, my mom had passed in some other way because he had been through something like that. And I've never had like a poor reaction to it. And then once I told him, it was like a flip switch basically. And he like, couldn't really look at me.

He was like, I don't know if you should like spend the night. It was like a whole thing. Really? So you're in bed or it's late at night? Yeah, he said that I triggered him. Oh, shoot. Clearly he hasn't dealt with the fact that his girlfriend cheated on him.

Yeah, basically, yes. But what I got from it, and I've processed everything, and my mom passed seven years ago, and I've worked through it, and I'm pretty open book about it. It comes up to most dates, on the first or second date, just the way I talk about my family that my mom has passed.

I don't go into detail, but it just comes up and I'm okay to talk about it. But yeah, I just had never had that reaction. And I was just like, we had been drinking, so I gave him benefit of the doubt. And I was like, maybe he just needs a minute. Maybe he hasn't had anybody else since his ex. And plus his ex, it was over two years ago. and I was like, maybe, you know, like he just needs a minute, like maybe he hasn't had anybody else since his ex and plus his ex, it was over two years ago. So I kind of felt like that had been a sufficient amount of time. He told me he went to therapy, but he like wouldn't even like look at me really. And then like, we, I ended up like staying that night and the next morning we woke up and he was like, I don't know what to say. I just like feel really weird about this and I can't get out of this like weird feeling.

And then he was like, but let's like take a breather and then we'll talk in a few days and then we like talked after that and he was like okay like I don't know how I'm feeling but like let's just continue to see each other and we did and then like last week after I met a bunch of his friends and like I thought it was going okay he ended it again again basically. Well that's wild. So like just to just to recap you're having a night you've been dating for like a month, you're about to spend the night at his place, you're both had a few drinks,

go deep, you talk about past relationships, he's like, listen, my ex-girlfriend, yeah, it just so happened that her father died by suicide or he took his own life and like she also really cheated on me, he clearly connected the dots with like she had some unresolved trauma and daddy issues or whatever and he clearly connected the dots with like, she had some unresolved trauma and daddy issues or whatever, and he obviously connects the dots

of why she cheated on him, and so, you know, her unresolved trauma, blah, blah, blah. And so he heard your story about your mom and then immediately saw you as someone who's obviously going to hurt him in the future because your mom died in a similar way as his ex-girlfriend. Yeah.

Did I get that right? Yeah, you got it right. Yeah. Listen, what other questions do you have, I guess? So I guess my questions are, so I feel like I've never had this reaction and it was honestly a horrible reaction and in the moment it made me feel so bad

about something that I can't control and that has happened to me. So I'm kind of worried about like moving forward like how I'm going to be able to like tell other people I'm dating that and I know this was like a crazy situation stuff and then my other question is more like I'm 30 like I know like you talk a lot about like dating and everything on this podcast and like I definitely have like a scarcity mindset like I think maybe if I was 25 and somebody did this, I'd be like, fuck you, I'm not going to date you again.

But I really like we connected on a lot of values. It was a great communication that I really liked. And I pushed through this and gave him another chance because of those things. And I just like, I don't know, basically working through scarcity mindset, like dating in your 30s, because it's just, yeah, like you don't often connect with people.

I've been lucky enough to find a decent amount of people that I connect with and go on dates with and stuff, but everything was going really well and this happened. And I like feel like I should have probably just ended it after this instead of giving him another chance, but I just felt like I wasn't able to. The good news is, is he did the hard work for you in that department. So there's that. So let's answer your first question first. One, I think you already know this, you don't need to say this, but your fears are ridiculous. This is all him. You even said it yourself. This has never happened to you before. You know what I'm saying? Like your mom passed seven years ago. I don't know how

many dates you've been on since then. Probably a handful. You probably even had a boyfriend squeezed inside there. I don't know, maybe. And no one's ever acted like this about your mom's passing. Yeah, yeah, that was right. So there's no reason to go down some delusional rabbit hole of of playing into all your greatest fears and insecurities and wondering if this one guy out of all the other people you've interacted with, literally

the thousands of people you've interacted with, literally the thousands of people you've interacted with in the past seven years happens to be right about your mom's passing or you, right? That's nuts. Yeah. So let's just let those toxic thoughts go out the door. He clearly has not dealt with his girlfriend cheating on him. If I were talking to him, I would have been like,

bro, what are you doing? You know, like there's a million reasons that people do, you know, cheat, for example, right? And yeah, maybe the death of a parent plays a role. Daddy issues play a role. There's a million other traumatic events that people can experience that cause them to act out in ways, one of which might be cheating, right?

Or disconnect in ways or self-sabotage relationships. And the fact that he clearly hasn't dealt with his girlfriend cheating on him and healed in a way that would, you know, stop him from reacting this way to you and not be able to get out of the, the fact that he did what he did, slept on it, woke up and still was like, yeah, sorry,

still feel the way I feel, should scare the shit out of him, you know? Because like, what's really scary for him is that he's gonna get into a relationship with someone and not be able to see the signals that he could be in a relationship that could do the same thing to him again. He's so fixated on connecting the dots

between like suicide and what happened to him as if like, or just a parent dying. It's just like, there's a lot of people out there that have seemingly healthy relationships with parents who are still alive, but there may be some things in their past that they haven't dealt with that might cause them to act out and cheat or whatever. So like, he has a lot to work through,

he hasn't worked out through it, and you are probably never gonna find out unless you found out the way you found out, and thank God. Because those unresolved issues that seem to be so traumatic for him to him act out this way, were gonna reveal themselves in other ways that you probably wouldn't like,

it would have taken longer for you to figure out. Maybe he would have been more controlling. Maybe he would have been like just more paranoid. He would have justified some weird behaviors like going through your phone or some shit like that. Or you know, you would have been like, more paranoid. He would have justified some weird behaviors like going through your phone or some shit like that. Or you would have been like, why are you doing this? And you would have figured out ways to forgive him and things like that.

But it would take almost like three years to add up all these little things that he did that had been like, I don't know if you're my guy. And this all happened and then you got all the information you needed in one night. That was honestly, if you wanna be like almost spiritual about it, that was your mom protecting you. That was your mom being like, you were gonna like figure out, it was gonna take you way longer than you needed to.

So you know what, if my death and the way I pass is gonna do anything good for you, it was gonna help you with this one fucking guy. Yeah, no, I like that look of it, definitely. Yeah, I mean, there were definitely red flags. I know it's that he wasn't over the ex for sure. Cause then like the next time we hung out, we tried to talk through it a little bit more and he ended up talking about his ex for like 45 minutes.

And I was like, I don't care. He didn't deal with it. You know, I don't know. I don't know how long he went to therapy or what he talked about in therapy, but he has not dealt with it. He has not accepted that it happened and that it's not his fault and that he just needs to move on. And, you know, I don't know what is going on in his head, but that's why it happened.

So you really don't ever don't go down that lane of those self-limiting beliefs and questioning yourself. As far as dating in general and why you took them back, recognize, yeah, like, just recognize, like, yeah, why did I take them back, you know? You're only 30, I don't know what to say. You know, you're not that old. I understand as a man speaking to a woman, I don't have to deal with my biological clock,

but nevertheless, you're still only 30. And now is not the time to start, you know, I don't know if that episode came out when I talked about, yeah, I think it to start, you know, I don't know if you've, I don't know if that episode came out where I talked about, yeah, I think, I think it was this week's episode, I don't know if you listened to talking about the difference between want and need, you know? Yeah, it was good.

And we start, when we start confusing all the things that we want with the things that we need, we start making exceptions, we start settling, and you don't need a boyfriend right now. Being 30 isn't the reason to wake up and be like, all right, well, I guess I need to pick someone. Like that's not what you need to do here. I understand getting a little anxious. I understand, you know, when you go through a drought and there's like a six month,

eight month, or even a year period of like, I haven't liked anyone in a year. You just want to like someone. You just want to connect with someone. I get those instincts, right? But we still like, even if this didn't happen with this guy, you would still like, and I say this all the time and we always do it, but like six months isn't a long time, one month isn't a long time, you know, two months isn't a long time,

it takes time to get to know people. And I know we don't wanna hear those things when we are 30 and we thought, you know, it's just like, I don't wanna waste two more years dating someone and have it not work out. I don't know what to tell you, that's life. The thing that's gonna help you is to be willing to check in with yourself more.

It's to be willing to slow down when you actually like someone, to like trust your instincts, to trust your body, to not make excuses for people, to not give people more chances than they deserve when they actually show you who they are. That's how you can do it. You can't predict the future and you can't get someone today to promise they won't hurt

you in two years, but you can read the signals that are shown to you early on and not ignore them. Yeah. I just feel like the past few guys I've dated have just all been very emotionally unavailable and really not over their exes even though it had been significant amounts of time. And I'm like, is there a way to like weave those people out earlier? Like am I just ignoring signs? I don't feel like I am, but they're all like, I'm ready for a relationship. And then it's like, something happens and it's like, okay,

you're clearly not over your ex. What date are you usually talking about exes? I mean, I would say like five or six. I don't, it doesn't normally, and like if someone's bringing up on a first date, then that's obviously like a red flag. Sure, but you're right. Okay, five or six dates, right? That's pretty normal.

Honestly, I think by five dates, you should have, if you're gonna keep, if you've been on five dates and you have every intention to go on five more, you need to have the conversation about like exes a little bit. I'm not saying you have to go through each other's rosters and things like that, but like, you should have an understanding

of how their past relationships, if they've had any at all, how that has affected him. Have they dealt with heartbreak of any kind? Have they dealt with any type of loss? Those are reasonable questions. Like what have you dealt with? If you've been on five dates and you hope to go on five more, you should have a desire to have some kind of deep

conversation with someone like you did with this guy after a month, right? Pretty normal. Well, when you have those conversations, just listen. If they weirdly bring up their ex, note it. If they talk about their ex a lot, ask some follow-up questions. Listen, you ask a guy if he's not up their ex, note it. If they talk about their ex a lot, ask some follow-up questions. Listen, you ask a guy if he's not over his ex,

he's always gonna deny it, especially the ones who are not over their ex. But they will reveal themselves. Keep asking more questions about their ex, ex, see if they take the bait. There's that. Anyone who's not over their ex will talk about their ex, even if it's with the girl they're dating dating so just find little clever ways to bring it up

If you know, you know a guy who's over their ex would be like, I don't why you keep bringing up my ex I don't know. I'm not it like I don't care what they're doing. You want to be careful a little bit, you know Like you don't want like yeah Don't want to be crazy. Yeah, I'm sure you got good instincts, you know, just Trust your instincts. You know, you shouldn't have taken this guy back That was a fucked up thing to say. No, I I know I mean my gosh my sister was like so mad But yeah, no, I know I shouldn't have taken him back and like I just was like we could work through this Maybe we could be like stronger for it

even though I know it's crazy because it only been a month but You know, it's hard to find a good connection with somebody and when you align on the values and interests and stuff. Just a me question, when you say aligned on values, what do you mean? I would say I've struggled with, I have anxious attachment a little bit with it, and so for me, I really do value good communication with somebody and consistency,

and he really, he did that. He was very consistent he gave good communication he planned dates and like you know I mean that's also very minimum at this point but I liked that I hadn't had that in a while so it was like kind of refreshing and I think like and we got along really well I like we had the same like sense of humor and like has similar interests and like but I would say like the biggest thing for me recently is like somebody who's just consistent with communication and like dates dates is what I want moving forward.

And he did a lot of that. And that's, I think, why I fought for it a little bit more than I normally would. Well, that's nice. And that is understandable. Listen, it's fun to meet people. It's fun to get excited about all the things that you liked about him, the planning dates and things like that. Great.

Keep that. And then your next date, you know, like, you know what to look for. But just because a guy is good at planning dates doesn't make him a great guy or doesn't make him a great, he's a great boyfriend. It's been a month. So all you know about this guy is he's good at presenting as a really good dating option.

That's all you know about him. That he knows how to make a pretty good first impression. You know, cause in the first month, everyone's just kind of still making first impressions. All the dates they plan and the first impression, you know? Cause in the first month, everyone's just kind of still making first impressions. All the dates they plan and the excitement and you know, you gotta wait a year and a half before they're really comfortable with you and they really know where they stand with you and that's when people start being themselves.

And I know that's even sucks to hear, cause like, oh fuck man. But that's all the more reason why I think as just in general, general advice to everyone, that's like, I think we are, you know, the rise of situationships, right? People are investing all this time with people and never really getting to know them. You know, that's even scarier. Call someone your boyfriend or call some of your girlfriend, date him for three months. Fuck it, break up, who cares? But we're so reluctant to do that,

you know? Like you're, you're, you're waiting for the perfect scenario to see like, oh, let's just try it out. You know, like this guy, is he really your ex scenario to see, oh, let's just try it out. This guy, is he really your ex-boyfriend? Nah, it's some guy you fucking dated. It doesn't matter if you call each other boyfriend or girlfriend, I don't know. You know what I'm saying? Just be willing to get to know people more.

Give more people a shot to surprise you. The guy who's not good at planning dates in the first month, maybe end up being the better boyfriend, I don't know. Just be willing to try different things out that you like. Prioritize certain things like character, how they treat people, how they talk about people behind their backs, things like that. How they talk about women from your point of view

would be something you want to very pay attention to early on. Does this guy sound like he hates women or, you know, or not? You know, do they complain about their exes a lot? You know, is it always someone else? You know, these are little things that like matter early on that I think a lot of people overlook. And some, and you do just have to like hang out with people and get to know them before you really can get to know them.

Yeah, I know. And that's what's hard because I feel like a lot of times I want to just jump to the next step, just because of, I guess, my age and friends all getting married and having babies and stuff like that. It's just like, I'm still here dating. You're not that old, half your friends are gonna get divorced, those are just facts.

And yeah, again, don't do the thing that I talked about in this week's episode, where it's just like, you're getting impatient, you keep saying you're 30, and now you are confusing what you want and what you need, and now you're more willing to settle. You taking it back was you settling because you got impatient. You're like, oh, no, no, no, no,

I just really liked having someone. And so you were willing to take anything, even a guy who disrespected the passing of your mother and disrespected you. Yeah. Yeah, it sounds really bad when you put that. I'm not saying to make you feel bad. I just want you to learn going forward.

I want you to be mindful that like that's, that's, you know, I don't, I think we are so unaware sometimes of how much we are willing to settle when we get impatient. And we have to be really mindful of when we feel impatient what we are setting ourselves up for. And that is often disappointment and settling and bringing things that don't add value to our lives into our lives because we just want something and we start telling ourselves that something is better than nothing. Yeah, that's fair. You're gonna live a long life and you're only 30. I know, only 30. I promise you when you're 35 you'll take 30 real quick. Yeah, you're definitely right. And when you 35, you'll take 30 real quick. Yeah, you're definitely

right. And when you're 40, you'll take 35 real quick. And so it is saying from one other guy talking to someone who's much younger than him, I would stop feeling bad about being 30 and I would start enjoying it. Okay, yeah, that's good advice. It's a great decade and you're doing yourself no good by feeling sorry for yourself for being the age that you are. Yeah. You're just downplaying your potential. And then that just puts off bad energy too. I don't even, you keep telling yourself, oh, I'm 30, I'm 30, God, I'm just,

all my other friends are, you know, all your, half your friends are sick of their husbands already and are afraid to tell you that and really wanna hear your stories about all the great sex you're having with random dudes. No, yeah, I do think that too, yeah. I mean, I've been having a good year dating and meeting people and finding connections.

I think I just need to get out of my head a little bit with like one settling and just like trying to like fast forward things a little bit in a relationship. How long have you been 34? When's your your birthday? It was May so not that long. Okay So I think maybe you're still in the I just turned 30 funk and I think this guy really rattled you I think you need younger too. So that was another thing that was not okay. So that's to stop making bad decisions, you know I'm just fucking with you. I mean, I'm not one to talk, but listen, younger men, it's a, you know, stop feeling sorry for yourself

that you're 30. Start embracing where you're at in life. It's a great age. You're gonna get a lot more out of being the age that you're at when you stop wishing you weren't. Fair, yeah. Okay. Well, thank you, this was helpful.

All right, I'm glad. What a weird dude, yeah. I'd love to have you. This was helpful. All right. I'm glad. What a weird dude. Yeah. I'd love to have him to call in. Yeah, right? I've never seen someone. She really fucked him up.

That's for sure. So listen, and that's again, you have to remind yourself that, you know, and he won't be the next guy who experienced some trauma. So now you know what to maybe look for a little bit. Like everyone has a story. Everyone's been fucked up by someone else in the past, you know, whether it's been cheated on or being ghosted or, you know, maybe just a good old fashioned toxic relationship, but there's a lot of, you know, breaking up and getting back together.

I don't, you know, there's a million reasons why people have trauma from past relationships that they haven't resolved or dealt with. Whoever you date next will have something they probably still need to work on a little bit or some version of that. And like now you are more equipped to like seeing that and asking the right questions and observing people's behavior than you were before. Oh yeah, for sure.

All right, thanks for calling in. Thank you so much. All right, take care. Bye. Bye bye. Bye bye. Thanks for listening. Don't forget to send in those questions at asknickelsvalfiles.com.

We'll see you tomorrow. Bye.