The Viall Files - E790 Ask Nick - BF Doesn’t Know My Real Age

Episode Date: August 12, 2024

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! We start off the episode talking about the new ai: friend.com. Then we get to our callers…  Our first caller’s BF of 6 months dropped her off at the airport, then ghosted her. Our second caller’s boyfriend doesn’t know her real age. And, our third caller’s aunt traveled for her destination wedding, but did not show up to the ceremony.  "All of those thoughts just keep you stuck." Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice, send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Altoids - Find Altoids In The Check-Out Aisle! Grab Your Tin Today! Huggies - Learn More At https://www.Huggies.com  Helix Sleep - Helix is offering up to 20% off all mattress orders AND two free pillows for our listeners! Go to https://www.HelixSleep.com/Viall  Ritual - See for yourself with 25% off your first month for a limited time at https://www.Ritual.com/VIALL  Vessi -  Discover more fantastic styles at https://www.vessi.com/viall.  Get your pair today to get an automatic 15% off your first purchase at checkout and be ready to stay cool and dry. Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @justinkaphillips @dereklanerussell @kymccarthy23 @allisonklemes  

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When it comes to needing confidence and security to show up as your original self. Altoids has you covered. They're not just mints. They're curiously strong mints. Find Altoids in the checkout aisles. Grab your tin today. What's going on everybody? Welcome back to another exciting episode of the Valfiles Ask Nick edition.

I am your host, Nick. We got sweet boy Justin with us as well. Scooterheader baby. Baby scooter. Baby scooter. Yeah. Baby scooter. That's a good nameoter. Baby Scooter. Yeah. Baby Scooter. That's a good name, I like that name.

Yeah. Or I said Mama Scooter, Baby Scoots. Okay. Baby Scoots. Baby Scoots. There we go. We miss her, she's, I think she's doing well. Yeah.

Anyways, we've got some great calls lined up for you and an even better week. I'm a little terrified about the future. Justin just showed me this whole friend, is it Friend Finder? It's just friend.com. Friend.com. And then the product is called Friend.

It's fucking terrifying. It should be illegal. Yeah. Well, it's very black mirror for the people listening. Yeah, if you guys don't know this is happening, it is happening. Has anyone seen the movie Her with- I have seen it, Joaquin Phoenix.

Joaquin Phoenix. It's very a la like this, where you basically have an AI person by your side. It's like this little friend, it's a necklace you wear around you. And what it look like, it just... Well, so what it is, is a wearable pendant, also known as an AI powered companion.

The device will provide encouragement, advice, and feedback on whatever it is the user is talking about when the button is pressed. And this advice is based off of what? Advice in the sense of like, it's an AI that's pulling from whatever it is. What I'm really concerned about is like, will people be able to wear this friend

and not listen to ask Nick anymore? I'm just kidding. No, but it's more like, well, if you get advice from anyone, right? Like certainly AI can offer suggestions, it could like search the web, but lived experience is, is who you get advice from perspective.

Like is it, can it do that? Can offer perspective? I mean, so what they said is when people ask, what does always listening mean? It says when connected via Bluetooth, your friend is always listening and forming their own internal thoughts. We have given your friend free will for when they decide to reach out to you. So it's just like an AI that always listening and forming their own internal thoughts, we have given your friend free will

for when they decide to reach out to you. So it's just like an AI that's listening and whatever database it's pulling from, it's building itself. Can it ever turn on you? I mean, allegedly no, but we've- But they're recording, you're basically, I mean, I guess our phones are already recording us.

That's true for ads. Like ads pop up when you talk about something. We're like, we're going down the path of a society. We're like, we're gonna have a social credit score. Have you seen that Black Mirror episode, Nosedive? I haven't. To me, this is the same thing where, and what you just said, we're in Nosedive.

You walk around and if you have a certain social score, you can buy coffee here or rent a car for a cheaper price or do whatever, but it's based purely on your social. Yeah. social interactions. And who decides what is... The people around you. So if I were to bump into you, I'd be like, oh, sorry. And then you'd give me an up score.

But if I just bumped into you and walked away, you'd give me a down score and then I wouldn't be able to buy a coffee. No, I mean, that's terrifying. I mean, the crazy part for me about this product or the trailer is, well, so for the people listening, basically... Google friend, what is it?.com friend.com. So this tech startup bought the domain for 1.8

million. And when you click on the domain, when it was public, it brings you to the trailer. And in the trailer, people are just like eating a burrito or playing video games. And then when you press on the button, it like responds to what you're doing. So it's always listening. But when you press on the button is when it responds to you via texting you whatever message. But the final clip of it is what scares me where it's two people on a date and one person is like actively keeping the conversation going. And she, the other person can't do, can't really respond, but wants to press the button instead of the date. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like she's not paying attention to the day because she wants to talk to the friend. Or just like she wants to ask the, like could you imagine going on a date,

someone's wearing this necklace, and then am I getting to know you or am I just getting to know your AI companion? Yeah, that's true because she could have been pressing it to like what do I say? Yeah, what do I, what should I say? You know, what should I talk about? You know, like we as a species require human connection.

We require relationships with people. And I think that's why we have an epidemic of depression and mental health. Like, think again, we talk about this all the time. Like we have never had more access to mental health solutions or therapy. Advocacy. It's never been more normalized.

And yet society's mental health has never been lower. Suicides are up, depression's up, things like that. Why is that, right? Well, because of all the things that we're doing. You know, we're buried in our phones, we're not connecting with people, we're having, you know, it's just like, all the crazy world events, we're like all tapped into it.

You know, we, we're constantly being told all the crazy things that are going on. And even like, when people say things like, you know, I don't even care about the outside world. I just want to worry about like what's in front of me. Now is it, are you even, is it that even okay to say? Some people will be like, oh, well, what a very privileged and convenient way of going about the world. We're like, you know, because we're not, we're supposed to be responding to every atrocity or problem that's happening in the world. And like the expectation is we're supposed to be like

immersing ourselves in the world's problems. When in reality, you can't do that. It's interesting you say this, cause the CEO said you kind of have this feeling of no judgment, and I think that allows you to be a lot more authentic with it, of like discussing and talking and existing.

Not having this button that just listens to you, but doesn't, like is in its own person. I mean, I guess, but why have we gotten away from being able to do that with friends? Exactly, I agree. And having this conversations? And like, if we really become a society where you, like human connection is eliminated.

It makes me wonder too, you know agoraphobia, right? People that are afraid of going out or the outside. This is a product that gives companionship, but at the same time, is that something we wanna excuse? Or is agoraphobia something we wanna treat or help people become more social? Or do we wanna just give a bandaid of a pendant? Exactly.

Like we need to find more solutions to get people to put down their phones and technology and get outside and interact with people, all kinds of people, even at the risk of you guys having a disagreement sometimes. We're just going down a path where people aren't gonna be like, there's already an epidemic of people who are single in relationships and not having sex and not connecting with people.

And this is not gonna help. It's gonna make things worse. And then with the advancement of technology, people are starting having sex with literal robots or virtual reality and things like that. We seem to be going down a path where it's gonna be like the matrix, where we're just gonna be incubating babies,

people won't be having babies in the traditional way. That's fucking scary. It is scary. Yeah. I mean, this looks like a black mirror episode, this product and the marketing that's around it. And that's where people like a lot of people are like, this is dystopian. This is us going down a rabbit hole of things we've entered. Like we've made this entertainment, but now it's reality. Again, it's just going to be individuals being born in labs without families. Like that's the path we're going down. How do we put a stop to this?

I don't know if we can. Throw our phones away. Yeah, I'm terrified. Terrified. Well, anyways, we're not trying to scare you. On a unrelated note, Olympians still be fucking. They do be having sex. There was an article published

that they interviewed an Olympian from the 2020 Tokyo Olympics and their identity was kept anonymous. So we don't know who this is. They were quoted saying, by the time my competition was over, I had only one thing on my mind to hook up and release this pent up energy and it's crazy. In the village athletes download dating apps just for those two weeks and set their locations to the few miles radius outside of the Olympic village. And both men and women are always on the lookout

for a good catch. And then she says, amongst your closest friends in your team, there's another mini Olympics happening, the hookup Olympics. In that iteration of the game, some events consisted of who can kiss the most people in one night,

who can get a gold medalist into their bed, and who can find out which sports teams had the best performance off field, AKA in the bedroom. Hell yeah, I mean, you know, that makes sense. I love that for them. Yeah, good for them. You know, the Olympians be fucking. Is that the conversation going on in the Paris Olympics

that they're trying to put a stop to people hooking up? Or like- Well, in a sense, yes. Like we know that there's the beds that are rumored to be anti-sex beds, but like it's been debunked that you can fit like multiple Olympians on it and it doesn't break it. And then like in the Paris Olympics Village grinder is blocked. So like you can't use that app. But that's because they don't want to like reveal people's sexual identity.

So that's to protect the people. So that's different. But and we know that they pass out like condoms and stuff. You can access that in the village. So it happens. We know. I think that's great. Yeah. That's like the perfect type of hookup culture. For all the conversations we have about hookup culture. Hookup with someone who lives in a different country who you'll never see again and you won't fall in love with. I mean, you still might fall in love with them, but you'll be realistic about the possibility

of something happening. Hookup culture should be just hooking up. And I think we talk about this next week on Ask Nick, but how people have confused, people have intertwined hookup culture and dating culture and how that hookup culture has destroyed dating culture because we haven't been able to separate the two. This is very much like hookup culture, which is great. A bunch of Olympians running into people who they may never see again or if they do, they

will keep in touch. Like some person lives in Australia, some person lives in sedan and they fuck what a great story good for them uh they're talking to real humans and not real that's so fucking scary why we got to put us off to this i agree but you know why they're not going to because you know how much more you can sell by using technology yeah i mean just like I think we're gonna become a corporate entity Country we're not gonna have any type of culture art is gonna go away Well, we'll move to like the middle of a country field and start our own civilization. I kind of want to do that Oh, I actually was talking about that at the lake. How are you? No, we know it's it's seriously think about it

Not we're gonna I'm'll try to get this fast because we have to get through the calls. But like where the lake house is, there's a very small town, 15 minutes away. And that very small town when my mom and her brothers grew up was like a thriving little town. They had their movie theater, they had a bowling theater. It was like every little small town in America.

And there are like thousands of these small towns that are now pretty desolate. Like people live there, but there's not like, there's basically a Walmart, like a Dairy Queen, maybe a McDonald's. Starbucks. Starbucks, maybe. And like, and that's it.

There's no like community. Like you, back in the day, there was like a supper club and a community. And that's like, I was like a supper club and a community and it's like, I wonder if there's gonna be a revival. Like now that anyone can work anywhere from anywhere, like you would think you'd have one of people like build up these small towns and like whatever, you know, Wisconsin or Illinois, Michigan,

or Nebraska, you know, that used to have a community, a really like a real thriving community and somehow build that up rather than it just being like, it had this desolate feeling. There's like so many little downtowns. And when I say downtown, like these little small towns that have like a, that you drive through and you see the history, you know, like you see that it used to be like a couple of bars and have a post office and have a little bakery and they're all kind of closed or there's something else now

and will there be a revitalization of that? I would love to see that, but I don't know if it's gonna happen. I think we're, I don't know. It's a deeper conversation, but we're- You have a good point though, that might happen. Like we're gonna counter correct to the point of technology that people wanna return

by going back to the small cities. We are definitely turning into a black, like black mirror is becoming a reality. Yeah. With this one specifically. Yeah. Anyways, it's fucked up. It's crazy. Anyways, enough about that.

Don't get stressed out. There's still a, it's still a great world out there. Get outside, talk to people, talk to strangers, get involved, human connection. That's what it's all about. Don't forget to send your questions at asknick at thevalfiles.com for all things Ask Nick's texting office hours. You know the drill. We got a great week lined up for you. Can't wait to get to it. Let's start with our callers. Question time with Nick. Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going?

My name is Courtney. I am 33 years old and my boyfriend of six months dropped me off at the airport and then ghosted me. You know, first of all, I just wanna say, this is ghosting. This is actual ghosting. You know, for all the people out there who are like, I matched with a guy on an app and we text twice and then he ghosted me.

That's not ghosting. That's just like someone you don't know deciding not to respond to you. Anyways, I'm sorry that you've he ghosted me. That's not ghosting. That's just like someone you don't know deciding not to respond to you. Anyways, I'm sorry that you've been ghosted because like, as I'm sure this has been a very traumatic experience for you, because like the amount of questions that come from actually being ghosted of like what happened, are you okay? To like, why'd you do this? It sucks.

It's torture. It's actually a very unfortunate situation for the people who have to go through it. And so I want to acknowledge that, uh, I don't even know any details other than the fact that like, what a shitty situation and that, that sucks. I, yeah. Shitty is the like bare minimum. Uh, how long ago did this happen? So this happened July 9th.

So it just happened. Wow. We're fresh. We're fresh. And there's updates even as of three hours ago. Oh, yeah. Okay. This is definitely an active situation. Before he ghosted you,

how would you have described your relationship? I thought this was the person that I was definitely going to spend the rest of my life with. Okay. And did you think that the whole time? It was very early on where I felt like this is definitely the person that I've been looking for based on actions, conversations. We were on the same page with so many things where it was just like clicking. It felt easy.

There was nothing in there that gave me x. He was in his late 30s with children and x something in there, but he was very honest with where he always stood. And there was nothing that gave me any, like I was trying to go back and look at red flat, anything, like I did the recounting, but before that there was nothing that gave me pause. I thought that again, based off of everything that we were talking about in future stuff, this was. At the moment he ghosted you, when you dropped him off at the airport, you

were still thinking this relationship's going really well, pretty strong. Yeah. When he dropped me off at the airport, his dog was in the car and it was like, I don't know why that's a weird fact, but he was like, tell mama, like, we'll see her in a couple of weeks. Like, I love you. Thank you for being so understanding. Cause he had some stuff happen when I was there around some custody stuff that

I was fully supportive of. And he just said, he said, thank you for being so understanding. Like, I love you. We'll talk to you. Like call me when you get through security. Wait, so wait, you were going to the airport or he was going to the airport?

He dropped me off at the airport. Gotcha. And so this has been a long distance relationship. Okay. So you were visiting. How often did you visit prior? We were pretty frequent. Okay.

Either he would come to me or I would go there. All right. So he drops you off at the airport. You just think it's like, I'll see you later. Uh, he says, text me when you get through security. Did you text him? Yeah. Did you hear back?

Normal? Yes. Okay. Said have a safe flight, honey. I love you. Went through, got on plane, got home. That was it. That was pretty much it.

Did it go green? Were you blocked? Or like, yeah. When did you first notice something was off? So I noticed something was off when I had texted him because he was going to see his kids and I always would give space there of spending time with your kids, send me a text like at night or we would talk and that was Saturday.

I did not hear from him Tuesday. I got a random text about a job that he was pursuing. From him. And a health insurance question from him and then that was it. So you fly home, you don't really talk. And that was, that was abnormal to not like chat on the phone, like say Sunday night or something. Yes.

So you were noticing a change and then on Tuesday, he randomly reached out to you and ask a more point, like a specific question. Like, Hey, I need, like he needed the information that I had. So it was a self looking back. It was a self-serving question. He got what he needed. And then that was it. I had reached out several times and I felt crazy sending four or five

text messages that went un-responded to where I have girlfriends who have said, that's not crazy. I've done far more crazier things. that went un-responded to where I have girlfriends who have said, that's not crazy. I've done far more crazier things, but there were phone calls and it would ring. I called five times. It would ring two, three times and then he would send me a voicemail. Oh. No texts when answered.

And it wasn't like I was blocked either. So he didn't block you, but he was obviously a screening or calls. So he didn't like let it ring and make it, make it seem as if he was just not answering. Correct. Like, you know, and yeah, you know, and someone's like, Oh, they can't talk right now. There it is. And yeah. Yeah.

Um, and then like, I guess, yeah, walk me through like, July 9th to now, like what have you learned? What are the updates? Like, do you have any answers at this point? I know that he is alive because as a general human being, I went to that extent to make sure, like, god forbid, something happened, I don't know. I'm out of state. So I just tried to look at like Googling his name if there was any type of accident. There was

nothing that was coming up. And then of all things, I was on my LinkedIn. And my LinkedIn profile, if you and I are connected and you like something, sometimes it'll come up. Nick Vile has liked X two hours ago. And that is what showed me that he was alive and well because he was actively liking company posts on LinkedIn from two hours ago, one hour ago. So he was actively on LinkedIn. Um, just not responding to his girlfriend of six months. Okay. Uh, did you follow up with him after that? They were you like, I know I see you on LinkedIn or whatever.

Like at what point did you like stop trying to get him to respond? The last text message I think I sent was on the 11th. And it said, this feels devastating. I have no idea what is going on. I have to assume you are in a funk and just pushing me away, but I truly don't have any idea what is happening. Can you please call me back to talk? That was July 11th.

talk, that was July 11th. And I just could not send another text message to go unresponded to. How many times you call them? Five. Have you learned anything since then? You said you got an update three hours ago. What was that? The update three hours ago, I had just checked again, I'm in a profession where I'm looking at my LinkedIn.

I looked, I opened my app this morning and it shows he has a new position. And then two hours later, it said he viewed my profile. That sucks. You haven't really gotten any direct information from either him or anyone who interacts with them since you haven't seen them. None.

Well, what can I help with? Again, I think I have reserved myself to a place of, there's nothing inexcusable to come back with that would make this palatable to even entertain a conversation about how could you and why there would be any like reconsideration or consideration of going back to this relationship that I thought. Is that where your energy is going right now? You're debating whether you should take him back if you were to have that chance? I'm not debating it. I don't see a world where I could allow myself,

because how could I trust him? No, I- How could I trust that? You are, when I said, what can I help you with? That's the first place you went to. And when you say things like, how could I? Your subconscious is kind of, well, you're asking me in a way where like, it's like, you know,

you don't need to hear it from me or your friends about whether you should or shouldn't take it back, but you phrase it as a question, you know, because there's a party, yeah, listen, I get it. What you're going, I, when I was 20, 20, 18, 20, 19, I don't know, somewhere around there, my very first girlfriend, we had a long history, but in between our very messy seven years,

and again, it was my first love, very different, because like, there's no excuse for it, but I'll give a 19 year old to pass more than I will a late 30s. Almost 40 year old. Yeah, divorced, kids, you know, been around the block, but yeah, she just fell off the face of the earth for a couple of months. I didn't end up taking her back, you know, been around the block. But yeah, she just fell off the face of the earth for a couple of months.

I did end up taking her back, of course, back in the day. But I only bring that up because I empathize with like the want of wanting to take it back. And I think you just need to be mindful the fact that that's where your brain is going. And I don't think you realize how much energy you have probably, I honestly wouldn't shock me if you haven't even really tried to move on yet,

which would honestly be understandable because you're not in the move on phase. You're still in the, I'm trying to figure out what the fuck happened stage. Yeah. But I think I want you to recognize you are investing a lot of energy on asking yourself, even if you're not even asking friends

because of being afraid of them judging you, being like, why would you even ask that? Of course, don't take them back, blah, blah, blah, things like that. But your energy is still going to that place. I don't know if there's anything to do about it right now other than to just recognize it and be mindful of it because saying, I know I shouldn't ever take them back,

but still asking yourself, how could I? Your ego and your brain will try to figure out how you can. You know, you will literally try to make, you know, you're like, well, well, if you said this, and I guess if this happened, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Because like, are we wanna get back to the place that we were when we thought this is the person I was going to marry and then excitement behind it and trying to preserve that feeling that you that was just like ripped out from under you. So all very understandable.

Yeah. So when you look back now on the relationship, the first six months, there are no red flags. Like if we were to try to figure out what happened without having the little bit of information that we have, like tell me what work does he do? We're both in construction. Okay. Is he hammering the nails or is he doing the plans or what like what is? Management. He's in management. Okay. Management. Yeah. You work for? So he used to travel, Okay. Management. Yeah. You work for?

So he used to travel, he used to travel a lot and now he didn't as much. Um, so he was more home base. So we got to communicate a lot, like during the day, at night. How long has he been divorced from his ex-wife? Just over a year. Okay. Um, and what was your impression of her from him? Not good. Essentially using him in this perspective,

using him for financial gain. How so? Without his income, they would have a very different life. Are they still married? They are not. Okay, they're officially divorced? Correct, yes.

And then you said he was dealing with some custody issues the weekend you were there? Are they still married? They are not. Okay. They're officially divorced. Correct. Yes. And then you said he was dealing with some custody issues the weekend you were there. Yes. Unfortunately, there was a conversation that had happened about his daughter being a teenager and not in getting into a fight with her, with her mom and calling and saying, Hey, I am mad at mom. I don't want to be here anymore. It turned into a very large fight where I said,

whatever you need me to do to be here for you, if you want to go there because it was out of state. If you need to go and figure it out and be there and be in person to go deal with it, I can stay here. Happy to stay with the dog. I'm happy to go with you. But made it very clear, like as your partner, I'm here to support you and what you need from me. And he didn't go though, right? He ended up going. It settled for a couple days, but he ended up going and then dropped me off

at the airport on the way to go deal with it. Okay, so you're telling me you went to go visit him, right? While you were there, something unexpected came up and that was his daughter who lives out of state with her mom had some kind of drama with her friend, called up her dad, your then boyfriend and said, I don't want to be here. I want to stay with you.

I don't want to be with mom. And then he, you offered support. He was like, eh, dropped you off. So you left earlier than you thought you were going to or he just waited for you to go? It's a good question. I had been there for 10 days at that point. So again, I had said either one, whatever you need me for.

Um, I had not, to your earlier point, I had not met his kids yet. So there was no way that that would be the first time that I would meet. Sure. You know, his daughter, that's not, it couldn't go well. So, so, but when he dropped you off, you thought he was gonna get also get on a plane, like the next day or something? He could drive out of state to go. Oh, so.

It was a long drive, but he was driving. He was planning on driving. Correct, yeah. Do you think there's a connection between that situation and him ghosting you? I don't know because he's visited there in the past and there's been no ghosting. Sure. It wasn't abnormal for him to go see his, his kids

and come back. I, part of me wonders if he maybe wasn't ready for a real relationship because the women that he explained to me in the past were not, were more, they didn't have professional careers. Um, they didn't have money of their own or kind of didn't stand on their own where I have and I do, but I don't know why that would be a reason to not. To give no explanation and just,

well, I mean, listen, just to be, To be clear, his reasons for ghosting are 100% his reasons and they have nothing to do with you. So you've got to be very careful to not go down that hole, so to speak, and start, you know, well, he said this about me and you know, these other women he dated or his ex-wife, but like you just said, it's actually not that tough, and it's really just your ego, right? Because you know, even if he would just one day woke up and was like, I just don't like her as much as I thought I did, or I don't think

I'm in love with this woman, or I don't know if I want to be with her. Six months isn't that long of a time. Like, it is a long time to date someone, and certainly things can move very quickly in six months and people can move very fast and relationships become very intense. But all things considered, it is not that long of a time. And so if you would have called up and said, yeah, I was dating this guy for six months and I thought he was my person. And then one day he woke up and told me to love me anymore.

We would talk through it and try to, you know, I try to help you out. But no matter what was said, I would be like, you need to recognize that like, it's not that long of a time and feelings can change pretty quickly within six months, right? And so he could have just ended it. He could have, you know, like the whole, the ghosting part, that's a him thing. You know what I'm saying?

Like, yes, if he would have just ended it abruptly and been like, listen, you give me the ick. I just turned, I woke up one day and realized I'm completely turned off by you and I don't like anything about you and I hate your, yeah, I mean, I guess I still think it would be more of a him problem. But then, yeah, I guess you would have the right

to go down that lane a little bit and then like, well, why did I do that? Maybe we would finally have to deal with a bad habit you'd never had to deal with before because this guy is finally bringing you up. But that's not what happened. He just, he didn't end the relationship, he ghosted you. And that is all on him, that is 100% him.

And there's a good chance his reasons for ghosting you are trumping, you know what I'm saying? You're connecting, oh, he ghosted me, he didn't wanna be with me. Which I guess there's some truth to that, but we don't really know. And a guy who's dealing with an ex-wife and kids, complicated for sure.

You're right, I mean, it doesn't necessarily explain it. It's not like immediately, it's like, oh, that must be it. And there's no version, you know, anyone listening is gonna be asking, was he really married? Did he actually get divorced? Could he be back with his wife? Was he ever even divorced in the first place?

Like, were you just always a side piece and he decided to shut it down because he flew too close to the sun? Is there any chance of any of that being true? That maybe your whole relationship was one big lie? It could be. Well, how could it be? I'm curious.

That's a genuine question. I just don't believe it was based off of, like I said, how intimate the conversations were in the time spent together and there and here. There wasn't anything that gave me pause to, like I've been in a situation where you feel something in your gut and you know. feel something in your gut and you know. And I wasn't getting that. And I was present for conversations where he did have with his ex and living separately and seeing those things that were very much evidence

that he was not married, he was not in another relationship. Well, that's what I mean. So like, it's, despite you being ghosted, like it sounds like you've seen enough of facts. It's everything. His life, yeah. Where it's like, that would be, so it seems like he wasn't,

he was in fact separated or is separated. Yeah. Well, listen, we're not gonna figure it out today why he ghosted you. Come on. You gotta ask yourself, what, like how much you do you need to know? And that's why it's really important how mindful you are

about the conversations you have with yourself about whether you should or shouldn't take them back. That's the really difficult part. Why is it so difficult? It's difficult, I think I'm fine. I'm just deliberately trying to remind myself that this has nothing to do with me. Well, it's true. And yeah, but that part is really hard because it's so easy to revert to that, to just give me

something to explain it because I probably, I just don't see it getting that from him so it's almost like I'm just trying to tell myself give myself the reminder that this has nothing to do with me and accept that I may never know and I just couldn't I don't know if I could ever trust somebody again to know like if I don't hear from you and to trust someone like this, like him in this situation, taking him back, could you ever really trust like, if he doesn't answer my phone call, it's like your immediate gut reaction is, did he ghost me again? You know, like I couldn't live like that. I don't know. I'm trying to remind myself like even in doubt of what I take him back. I know that I couldn't live my life in a relationship like that either.

Does any of this feel out of character? I mean, for him? Yeah, I... He was truly like a stand-up man. What I knew, and that feels so stupid saying that now, because a mature, emotionally like intelligent and stand-up person wouldn't do that to someone else. At least I wouldn't think. So how are we going to get you to move forward from this? I think it's just accepting now that this is not who I thought I was going to be.

This is not the person. And kind of why I wrote in too is asking, I'm not wrong in thinking. You had a pod, I don't know what it was, where you had said, I think it was another caller a couple years ago of we're not too busy, right? To send a text message or no one's too busy. Here he was not too busy to answer. Oh yeah, this is nothing to do with him being busy.

There's a reason why he's not responding. And that reason has something to do with he doesn't know how to tell you. What he doesn't know how to tell you, I don't know. I mean, listen, he almost certainly is gonna reach out at some point, you know. Is that, do you, like. Why do you think that? Previous experience.

I mean, there's not a guarantee, and I'm not saying that to give you hope. It's more to prepare you. You see it as, I'm sure you hear it as hope. Because, and listen, there's, what you're going through really sucks. And that's why I started the call by trying to, by recognizing

what's happened to you because the phrase ghosting is taking on a whole new meaning. And what you're experiencing is one of the worst things someone can experience because you're saying all the right things, right? You know that this is not a person that you should wanna be in a relationship with, et cetera, et cetera. etc but one could argue it can be more difficult than death because a death you at least have the you know the clarity that this person is no longer

available to you and the reason is is well they they passed they died and that can be devastating but here you are with like why like you have no answers you know I'm not one for telling people they need closure, but like what you're going through is that much harder. I usually like say, write a letter in these times. You know, you've only sent a couple of text messages. You would certainly be more than justified

to reach out again. If you did reach out and he responded, it would almost certainly ruin your day. I remember, I remember when I got ghosted to my first girlfriend, I don't know. I wrote her more than five times, to be clear. I don't remember how many times. But one day, first her sister responded and told me I needed to move on.

And then finally she responded and I, it was not a good day for me. And I say that it won't be a good day for you because if he doesn't actually pick up the phone to like talk to you and he writes back, whatever he has in that message will make you feel 10 times worse. I almost like guarantee it.

There'll be some excuse or, you know, and then you won't be able to ask any follow-up questions. So him reaching out to you via a message or an email, I would try to avoid getting those because I would make him call you if you were gonna talk to him. Yeah, but there's a good chance he reaches out because he's clearly going through something right now.

I don't know what, could be a million different things. It could be something that's completely something he's going through or he could be reacting to something else going on in his life. And I just thought like with a partner, maybe even if you couldn't articulate like, Hey, I'm going through it and I need some space, I'm not quite sure what I need yet. Like I'd rather that then fucking nothing.

Totally. Yeah. No, it's like, you're then had it like, yeah, it's fucking, I don't know. I mean, you need to just try to move on from this. Cause here's what I'm worried for you. You know, most of the time when people call in these situations, I'm just gonna be like,

this is what you need to do. And I'm gonna empathize and blow up. But like, and yours is a tougher situation because like, it's very easy for me to say, well, you just need to accept it's over and move on. But as you know, he's created so many questions and so much doubt. That is true. You do need to accept that it's over and move on. You still need to do all the things I would say to anyone else,

which is be glad he did this in six months and not after six years, or people have been ghosted when they're in marriages or have kids or, you know, be glad it was only six months of your time. And I think to help you, you know, work through what any trust issues this created, it's just a reminder that six months isn't a great deal of time.

And I don't think there's anything wrong with getting excited about someone and playing a little bit of house in the first six months or talking about the future. But when you're talking about the future with someone, this is a great reminder that like, you don't really know anyone until you've known them for much longer than six months.

And so instead of, I can never trust again, and I don't know how am I gonna get into another relationship. It's just maybe just next time you get excited about someone, you don't have to be cynical, but you can still slow it down a little bit. Measure it. Yeah, you could just say, there's nothing wrong with saying we'll see with people.

And I think maybe that's the part that makes this thing is I was very honest and open about past relationships and being left in some abandonment issue stuff. And I told them I was vulnerable about it and I shared with it. And then you still did something that was related to that. Or you didn't pay attention, but you knew my past experiences and it's almost like you still chose this path. Yes, but you just have to, that's just a good reminder and lesson

that at the end of the day, most people aren't therapists. And so even when we share our past traumas and pains, when we open up and we are vulnerable with people to try to connect with him, that doesn't necessarily mean that that person will forever be mindful of our triggers and our traumas and things like that. It's also a reminder that at the end of the day,

most people are just gonna think about themselves first before they think of others. But you can use that as, again, instead of obsessing over being ghosted and then wondering why he ghosted you, because it's the questions that are gonna really drag this out, the questions, the whys. They're killing me right now.

There's a whole part of my book, where is it? It's a time. Can you cite the chapter in line page? It's about when. Can you cite the chapter online page? It's about when you ask why. I mean, cause I definitely am. Well, sure. It's natural. Of course you are. Yeah. No, when to ask why and when not to. Page 116.

Perfect. A dog, Garrett. But the whole point is this like, you know, we always ask ourselves why the wrong time. You know, right now would be the wrong time to ask yourself why all these questions. You need to ask yourself what, what happened? Usually in these cases, it's like,

why did this happen to me? Why did this happen? How could this have happened? And you're avoiding the what, what happened? You're trying to understand that. Why is a great question early in relationships when you're trying to understand that. Why is a great question early in relationships when you're getting to know someone and you're really excited about them

and it all feels good to still ask, well, why do you feel that way? Tell me more, the why understanding more about someone, why did you do that? Or being more inquisitive and inquiring, even when you are really excited and really happy with the way things are going. I always talk about how when we realize we like someone,

we just stop liking them and just focus on, it's like, oh, I like you, you like me, let's just, great, well now I know we like each other, then I don't really need to get to know you anymore in a way, like our subconscious kind of does that. And so we sometimes will be in relationships for one or two months. And then we realize we like each other

and then we call each other boyfriend and girlfriend. And it's just like, oh, you do so many things my ex never did and vice versa. And then you realize for the past four months, you never really got to know each other much more. You just kind of rode the wave and momentum of the first two really good months, you know, type of thing.

And then when things end, like they have ended now, you want to know why. Why did he ghost? You know, why did he do this to me? Why would he have said this and do that? Why would he not, I told him that I have avoidant attachment style or whatever. You know, I told him I have abandonment issues

and then he abandoned me. Why would he do that? It's not productive. That's kind of the whole point of that chapter. It's not productive to ask, it's the what? What happened? He ghosted me. Okay, what happened?

He didn't hear me when I was telling him about my abandonment issues. What happened? He didn't hear me when I was telling him about my abandonment issues. Like what happened? He didn't care. He didn't show me that he understood. He showed me through his actions that he wasn't there for me. So that's the what, what he wasn't there for me.

What happened? I was there for him type of things. And it's asking yourself the what happened so that you can hold that person more, so that you can accept the reality of the situation. The whys keep you invested in the relationship, you know, and until you can know the answers to the why then you just keep asking, you keep ruminating over and over. When you get ghosted, it feels like there's an infinite number of whys to ask yourself. And sometimes in those situations when it feels like there are so many unanswered questions, when you start asking yourself the what, well, he ghosted me. Well, you know, and I know that's easier said than done, but just simply knowing

that this is a person in the first six months dropped you off this face of the earth, not giving a single fuck about the psychological torture that it would cause you and still not doing anything about it. How hard is it? Even if it was like a bullshit response or an easy chicken shit way out would be to send you a letter, a text message. You know, even if that text message was,

hey, I'm sorry, I can't, I no longer can see you. I know none of this makes sense, but like just like, and whatever he said after that, you know, he could have done that and he didn't do it. It's gonna be some version I didn't know what to say, so I said nothing at all. So how could you accept someone back in your life

after it happening to you? Why are you still focused on that? Because I don't see in a world where I could do that. And I'm wondering how someone else could. You're still asking yourself the why questions. Yeah. Why? Because there's so many fucking questions.

That's kind of my point. And you're not gonna be able to answer them all. And you're gonna drive yourself crazy by trying to figure them out. And you're to wear out your friends. And I say this to you as like caution, you know, like being ghosted by someone like this and the manner in which you were ghosted can really fuck someone up.

It really can. And so I'm giving you a warning that I'm glad we got to talk because it's only been a few weeks and if you don't tread lightly and you don't figure out how to get out of this and try to focus on how you can heal mentally, you could still be deeply invested, you know, come November, December. Yeah, that sounds terrifying. Yeah, if there's so many of these questions and if you decide that you need answers and you give into your ego saying, you need to understand why, because you can't let someone do this to you and they said this to you and they didn't hold themselves

and we need to hold themselves, we need to hold them accountable for how they treated us, you know, and shit like that. You just gotta be careful. And listen, it's only been a few weeks, so like I have no, like, it's totally understandable if you, you know, sulked for a couple more weeks and felt sad, that would be totally normal.

But sooner than later, you're gonna have to, you're just gonna have to say, it's time to move on. Flip the switch. Yeah. And you're gonna have to practice having new thoughts. You're gonna have to just force yourself to have new thoughts, even though your instinct is to ruminate about the pain that you're feeling

and ask yourself all those why questions. And every time you start asking yourself the why questions, you just say, nope, what happened? This motherfucker ghosted me. What happened? He didn't consider my feelings or my needs at all. Like not even a little bit. And I can't possibly continue to invest

any more of my energy into someone who gives zero fucks about who I am or how I'm feeling or how this is affecting me. And then that's it. And then that's that thought process. And then again, you'll, and then 20 minutes will go by, you ask yourself another why question, but you have to catch yourself.

But like, you know, your friends are gonna be there for a while, but eventually your friends are gonna get sick of it. Yeah, and I will say I've been very, cause I've been a friend on the other side too. And I'm trying to remember, but I'm giving that advice to, trying to like reverse engineer it. And so I've to remember when I'm giving that advice to trying to like reverse engineer

it. And so I've been sensitive about sharing with my friends and what parts and when to talk about it and when not to, because to your point, at some point they're going to get sick of it too. And being like, do you remember this person and what he did to you? Why are we still talking about it? Sure. I think you gotta set some sort of deadline. After a month, give yourself 10 more days, if you want, it would be understandable. But at some point you gotta unfollow them.

All the ways you're getting updates on his life, I would start doing that now. That already happened today, after the push notification, that's done. And he does not have social media or he has Facebook, but I don't have it. So I don't see any of it. I never did Instagram. He doesn't have it and mine's private. So if he did, like there's no way to that. And after the text messages and everything that I said I did block him I unblocked him over the weekend to see if he

reached out sure or sent anything but he didn't so it's it's there's like cold turkey now no the no contact rule yeah Yeah, it's tough. And it's all understandable. Yeah, I wish I could give you better advice or figure out why he did it, but I'd really only be guessing. And unless we were certain about the why, again, I feel like it's only gonna make things harder

on you by creating more questions or likely possibilities and things like that. What you went through sucks. Yeah, it's not going backwards. Yeah. I think sometimes it's just okay to say that sucked. That happened to me. I didn't deserve it.

It's just dumb luck. It's not because everything happens for a reason. I think you can learn from it for sure. But even then, not everything is, sometimes shitty things happen and yes, we can try to learn from it, but it's not like, I don't think this happens so that you could learn.

I don't think you needed this to happen to you because you had to have some big lesson. Sometimes shitty things does happen, and that's okay. And I only say that because like, sometimes our own self-importance will want to understand why did this happen to me? And why did I have to, you know,

because it's hard for us to accept sometimes that shitty things happen and we don't, you know, if we can't find the meaning in it, then it just doesn't seem right or fair. But at the same time, we're still obsessing over the thing that happened when we were trying to find meaning in it. And I think I'm tired of trying to figure it out. Like I'm exhausted.

Yeah. Exhausted. I'm glad to hear. At some point, yeah, at some point I'm like, we have to like, cut it out because it's just too much. And listen, I'm sure there was a lot of great qualities that he had that you will miss, but this was a guy who was dealing with an ex-wife that sounded like there was some drama going on. I think kids are a blessing, but certainly his dealing with his kids. You're only 33.

What are your relationship goals? Are you hoping to get married someday? Are you hoping to have a family or no? Hoping to get married, don't want kids of my own, but would happily be with someone who has kids of their own. Okay. So I don't have like the itch to like get, you know, start. I don't have that ticking clock factor.

There you go. But I do want to get married. Well, then the fact that you know you don't want to have kids, then that alleviates any of biological clock stresses that women who do want to have kids have to face. So yeah, you can, you know, this sucks, but you will get through it. And I think, I know it's probably not that helpful, but I think if you're gonna have repetitive thoughts, that those are the thoughts you just need to have. And that is this really sucks.

I have the right to be sad, but I know I will get through it. Because right now it's very easy to feel like I don't know how I'll get through this. Or having thoughts like I can't believe this happened to me or why did this happen? And all of those thoughts just keep you stuck. And being ghosted, you know, really makes you feel stuck

because it creates all those questions you don't get answers to. We can get real stuck when we have a lot of unanswered questions. And especially when those unanswered questions make us question our own self-worth. Best thing you can do right now is to just acknowledge that you have the right to be sad

because it's still pretty fresh. Be sad. Put some kind of time limit on that. It won't stop you from being sad overnight, but that will be the day you really have to start holding yourself accountable, especially to those why questions. And you can start practicing at not asking yourself those why questions now, all while you allow yourself to be sad, you could still be sad and, and not torture yourself by asking yourself, why did this happen? How could this have happened?

Yada, yada. It could just be like, this really sucks that it happened and I have the right to be sad, I'm going to go be sad and then find your friends or your support system that you feel comfortable being sat around or be sad by yourself. And then once you like get to your deadline, then you just have to start changing those conversations in your, in your head, where it's just like, sure, I had the right to be sad, but you know what? I still have a lot to be grateful for, you know, I'm only 33. I'm glad I didn't find this out after dating him for, you know, 12 months or a whole year. I'm glad I didn't

marry the guy, you know, I'm glad I'm not in a relationship with someone who treats that way. Or move there, right? So there you go. You had conversations about moving and now you're not going to move. Instead of, again, having those thoughts about why and feeling sad, now you start having, and then you start challenging yourself to have those thoughts about, I might not feel it, I might not want to see it, but I still have a lot of things to be grateful for. It sounds corny, but make that effort to express gratitude with the

people in your life that you do have. Saying it out loud will make it more believable. Acknowledging the things that you actually have gratitude for will make you see the things that you should be grateful for. And then you'll just be actually tangibly focusing your mental energy on those things. And you will just have less time to be sad. Also just get busy, be fucking busy. Yeah. Every time we get sad, we want to stop doing everything that helps us stop being sad. I've done the opposite lately where I am like not allowing myself the moments to like sit and sulk. That's good. I mean, I mean, there's a time, I hope you've done a little bit of grieving and I hope you've cried some and I hope, you know, and are you in therapy?

I am. Great. You know, obviously work with your therapist and all this. I mean, I would say the same thing to you and I hope your therapist says this, but at some point even like your therapist also isn't like the one person you get to talk about this to after your deadline. Of course.

Because whether it's in therapy or to a friend, when you talk about it, you're investing energy in it. And if you're still asking your therapist why, you're still investing in it. Right. The energy is still going towards it. And listen, he probably will call and then you'll have to ask yourself, do you take the call? Do you read the letter? Will you have the willpower? If he writes a letter, I promise you, it'll make you feel worse. I think anything from him, my direction would probably make me feel worse at this point.

Well, in the short term, if you found a way to go to hold of you and said, I'm so sorry, I can't believe I did this. Can we talk? Can I see you? I really want to explain myself in person. If you went as far as showing up at your door, unfortunately, that would probably make you feel better in the short run because it would feel like the grand gesture. That would be the things that, you know, when you think about, well, how could you ever trust someone like that again? It starts by in your mind, whether you've said it to yourself or not, with some sort of grand gesture.

And him just saying he's sorry. But he still did it. And I can't think of an actual excuse that would make it okay for you to take a bet. And you're gonna want to. But I can't either. Yeah, but in those moments, just you gotta be mindful of how good are we at ourselves

in lying to each other. But like that, maybe that's the conversation for a later day, right back if he reaches out. But I would be surprised if he doesn't at some point. Then maybe at that some point you were long moved on and it's simply, maybe it's just like, hey, I'm really sorry for how I ended things two years ago and you'll be like okay sure thanks for apologizing. Next. Appreciate it. But there is a good chance he

will reach out I'm only saying that to warn you not to give you hope because if you are still asking a lot of those why questions when he reaches out, you will be very susceptible to forgiving him. And I wonder if that's why I blocked him on everything because this rash, I don't think I would trust myself to not protect myself. Listen, it is so, yeah, it's so early right now. This has only been a couple of weeks. So like you have every right to feel pretty fucked up

emotionally and in the head right now. It's very raw. I like the idea of the deadline though. You're gonna have to. The deadline is a good idea. And it's gonna come fast when you think. If the deadline is August 9th you're like oh cool I have 10 more days to be sad like it'll fly by. And there you set the deadline and there's nothing stopping you from getting a head start. I know we like to procrastinate, but even if it is to check yourself when you're asking yourself those why questions. And then you just kind of, hey, what happened? He did this. The why is less relevant. Well, the what is what I know. I know what happened because it happened. It is emotionally terrorizing what he did,

what he's doing to you. It feels that way. It is that way. It is. And what he's doing to you has a chance to really fuck you up. So the best thing I can offer you is just a warning to like not allow that to happen because you can,

you do have the power to stop that from happening. It's just what has happened is it creates so many questions that it can get people obsessed with figuring it out to things they'll never be able to figure out. And this has consumed people in the past and things like that. And so thank God that you seem leaps and bounds better than that.

But. Thank God that you seem leaps and bounds better than that. Yeah, I don't have any intention to try to do that. Because it doesn't change where I am right now. Okay. I'm sorry you're going through this. I wish I could offer you more concrete advice, but I think all I can really offer you is... The perspective is helpful. Okay. Well, I'm glad. I'm sorry this has happened. It definitely sucks. Go be sad for a little bit longer. A couple more days till the deadline.

Yeah. And then you just have to really challenge yourself. And just know when you challenge yourself and control your thoughts, you'll never perfect it. These thoughts will always creep up. You'll see the improvement when you know that in the past you would have ruminated something over for a half a day and now you get better and then it ends up just becoming an hour.

And then an hour becomes five minutes. And then every once in a while you'll have a bad day where you just can't get it out of your fucking head and you just, you kind of just, you collapse. But then you gotta pick up the pieces the next day and start over, you know? And so just allow yourself, I guess, when you start giving yourself that tough love,

allow yourself some grace to fail along the way, because you will, you know? And you will almost, you'll fail every day at it, but you can always start over. You can always check yourself, you can always say, I'm gonna stop again. You can always get back up. And when it comes to getting over stuff like this

or heartbreak, you can always stop ruminating. You can always check yourself. You can always change your perspective. You can always change your point of view. You can always change what you're focused on. You can go from obsessing over why you're sad to obsessing over what you're grateful for. And you can do that all the time.

The trick is catching yourself and then be willing to try again. No, definitely. I appreciate that. Okay. All right. I'm sorry. Okay.

Thank you. You don't have to apologize. You didn't ghost me. All right. Well, keep us updated. We definitely will. I will. I hope the update is us just checking in

in a month or two about how you're healing and how you were able to move on. If there is another update and if he does reach out, certainly we'd love to know, but either way, keep us posted. I will, definitely. All right, take care. Okay, thank you.

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automatic 15% off your first purchase at checkout and be ready to stay cool and dry. How's it going? Hi, my name is Millie. I am 38 years old and I'm calling because my boyfriend doesn't know my real age. Okay. I was curious how old you actually were when I found your headline a few seconds ago. You look great.

You obviously don't look 38 Um, you look great. You obviously don't look 30. Yeah. Um, thank you. So I'm assuming he thinks you're much younger than you are. Not much younger. So he thinks I'm 34, which is not a huge difference, but it is still, I mean, I was being dishonest, he is 31 and we met in November 2023. So I actually was married before and my marriage ended in 2020. I wasn't in any serious relationships until I met my current

boyfriend. So in the beginning, I thought it's not going to be anything serious. And I guess I just let the lie continue. And now we are more serious in our relationship. But I feel like I don't know how to break it to him now. I just have to ask, like, how good are you at lying? How many other like white lies do you tell in life? I feel that I am pretty good at lying and that's actually one of the issues I really tried to address after my divorce.

But apparently I wasn't doing a good job because yeah. And you're right, in the beginning it was just a small thing. It's a small lie and it just snowballed. And now, yeah, it just became harder and harder to tell the truth. But yes, I think I'm pretty good at lying. Are there other little small lies that you have told your partner? Current partner? No. I have, I would say age is the only thing I am not honest with him.

Even like little white lies, even your kind of day to day stuff that like you maybe decided isn't like, just easier not to tell him the truth because I don't want to argue or shit like that. Okay, so I guess, yes, I would give him like small white lies when I don't want to like spend time with him. I would say that I am doing some work stuff or sometimes I just want to be alone, but I would say them like with friends or something. But I think in the end I was just trying to,

like you said, avoid arguments. Yeah. Or I asked this because this is, this is a, I think probably bigger than you realize and there's a chance he's not gonna respond well at all. I know. And I think also as a woman, like I think being 38, another topic is whether I wanna have kids or not is whether I want to have kids or not,

whether he wants to have kids or not. So this part I'm actually not as worried because I think we're both on not having kids. We're maybe 20% to 80% about wanting kids. But it is still a huge thing. Yeah, because I'm not worried about that bothering him. I mean, that might be something he throws in your face because he's so mad and he's just like, it just wants to be mad. And he's like, well, no, I don't even know if like, are you even, you know, honestly, but be prepared for him to say something

really inappropriate and potentially hurtful because he's gonna be hurting and he's gonna be upset. And it wouldn't shock me if he says something like could you even have you know like he's gonna make that part of the reason why or you know like and it will probably be inappropriate and and for him to say and not his place but you've been dating for a while and like you've kept this him. There's a world in which this affects the trust in your relationship to same cheating would. It will be like he won't have to deal with the cheating.

I'm not saying this is as worse as cheating. Because in addition to breaking and violating the trust that you have, when it comes to cheating, there's a million other things you got to deal with. So you won't have to deal with that. You won't have to, you know, but it, it is going to affect the trust that you guys have potentially. Yeah.

And in the beginning is more like I, I didn't disclose my real age on my dating profile, but over the past few months, I know I've been intentionally. Leading him to believe that I am 34. How so? So I think one time we were with his friends and he was just saying that, oh yeah, she's a little bit older than us. And they turned to me and they asked me, how old are you?

And I was like, oh, I'm 34. I just, that was just a pure lie because I couldn't say it in front of his friends about my real age. No, that makes sense. And that kind of situation. Yeah, that kind of situation probably happened twice. So at this point, I felt like I have to come clean because at the end of this year, I'm going to celebrate my 39th birthday.

I don't want him to think I'm 35. I'm turning 35 because now we are actually in a committed relationship and I really do want this to work. I really adore him and I want us to continue to have a successful relationship and just having this, I really, I don't know, it's just, I have this like hung over my head and I know if I don't come clean, like it will be really hard for us to actually have a long lasting relationship. Yeah. There's a chance he doesn't get over this. I'm just going to give you a heads up.

Oh my gosh. But you do have to tell him. I think I am trying. Poof. There's definitely a shot. You've been dating for how long? So, uh, we met in November and we became official, um, in February, March. And how, on a scale of one to 10, how obsessed do you think he is with you?

And I say this like, in a, like a fun, romantic way. Like, do you think he's this, this guy's like super into you? Well, I think I'm his dream girl. Okay. Great. Yeah. Like, no, serious. I'm like, I'm, cause you're going to need that.

You're going to need this guy to truly be in love with you for him to even consider getting over it. Right. Yeah. And I think, yeah, in the beginning, I felt like it wasn't serious, but then it got a little bit more serious. And like you said, I felt like at that time I didn't have the confidence to tell him and have him be okay with it.

Now I feel like he is extremely into me. I know that he really cares about me. How's the sex? It's amazing. Okay, well you- It's mind blowing. And you feel confident he feels the same? He told me that he never imagined to meet a girl like me.

Great. And he also said that he never imagined to meet a girl like me. Great. And he also said that he's always wanted to date someone older, he's never, but I mean, I'm the first girl that's older than him that he's dated, but he said that, oh, three years, I think three to five years, I think that would be pretty cool to have. And like more than five years older than him, I'm almost eight years older than him,

I think that will change something. And on top of that, I've been lying. I know I've been lying and I can't even. This is about the lying. I mean, this is just about the, to be clear, this is about the lying. You know what's even kind of weirder or interesting? Yeah.

Is that you kind of hope his response is bad in a way. I mean, I say this is like, if you were to like say, hey, babe, sit down, I need to tell you something, is that you kind of hope his response is bad in a way. And the reason I say this is like, if you were to like say, hey, babe, sit down, I need to tell you something, you're like super nervous. You're like, all right, I'm 38. And you're gonna have to say it real fast. I know this is fucked up, you're gonna be upset.

I know this is probably gonna affect, you know, and if he's just like, honestly, I don't care, I love you. Red flag. Cause either one or two things are going on. One is like this guy isn't your equal and he is not prepared to be in a relationship with you where you can, well be equals, you know, where there's a mutual respect

and you can challenge each other and face adversity together or he has secrets of his own and he doesn't wanna go there. So you want him in a crazy way. If this guy in this relationship is worth your time, he needs to be really upset about this and affected by this. Because that will show that trust is something he truly values.

And if he gets over this pretty quickly, then trust can't possibly be that important to him. Yeah, that's why I feel like I am really scared to tell him, because I think he would have a really big reaction. He told me that dishonesty is just something he despises, and he's also had bad experiences with previous partners lying to him.

And yeah, I think it's, it's going to hurt him. I just, but I know that it will take time for him to get over and I don't know how long he would be able to like overlook this. But I just- I would be open to couples therapy. Okay. We're both in therapies like individually. Great. But when you tell him, I would get it all out as fast as possible.

I haven't been honest with you. I'm 38. I know this is going to be devastating. I'm here to answer all your questions. I'm terrified that you're going to leave me. I expect you to like you have every right to be super hurt and upset. I'm so scared that you're going to leave me. I'm terrified. I want to make this work. I know you have every right not to trust me. I'm willing to put in the work. If you're open to couples therapy, I am down to do this." You know what I'm saying? It's going to take several days, weeks for him to process this. He's going to talk to his buddies. His buddies are going to tell you

to drop your ass, just so you know, and you need to be okay with that because his buddies are there to have his back, not yours. And you're just gonna have to fight through it. And you're gonna have to show him through what you're willing to do to earn that trust back. And it's possible, but you're gonna have to do the work. And it will be something that's gonna affect him for a while. Even if he forgives you and you guys

continue on, it's going to rear its ugly head. He's going to question you a little bit more. He's going to get paranoid. It's going to cause fights. And I hope you're prepared for all that. And listen, you can get through it if you really care about each other. But like it's you lied to him and you kept a lie going and, and, and he believed you and it was, and it's going to seem like it was very easy for you to do and he's gonna go back in his head he's gonna question all those moments you know and that's why I asked you what else have you lied to him about because be prepared for him to tell you and ask those questions and then you're gonna have to ask yourself how honest you want to be because it's

what the super weird like even ask my therapist or a couple's therapist there is something we said about like, not in a relationship, you don't need to tell each other everything. There are some things better left unsaid. I don't think you should be lying to your boyfriend about like, it's, you know, I would just love some alone time right now.

That's actually normal and okay. And honestly, when he asks you about, like if you lied about anything else, you could, you gotta be careful how you word that. You know, just be like, well, yes, I've thought about this because I knew you're going to ask this. And I don't know why I say this because like, yeah, this bad habit of, of telling white lies when it's just, you know, I don't want to hurt your feelings.

That's not why I necessarily lied in the first place. Like I just, like, I was insecure about my age while on the dating apps. I put 34 instead of 38. We matched, you know, you're, was he, is he the first person you went on a date with that thought you were younger than you were? No, so I started dating again in 2023, like September. So last year was September and I went on a few dates

with people and most people seem to think I fit 34 age. It's never been a real question. You look, I mean, hell, I mean, if you would have told me you're 28, I'd believe you. You look great. You look young. Thank you. But I think that's it. Like, I think I do, I mean, most people probably think like, like I would pass like 34 and no one would question it. So I think when I went on a date with him, it was never a question either. And then we started seeing each other casually,

but exclusively, but we just never really talked about age again until we decide to be more serious. And then I felt like, oh my gosh, now if I said that he's gonna reconsider, you know, his desire to be in the relationship with me. And now this is just like getting out of control.

Yeah, and you're gonna have to say all that to him and you're gonna have to give him some grace because he is gonna say some things that probably hurt your feelings. Yeah. You're gonna hurt him. You're his dream girl. He has these great plans for the relationship.

He's communicated how much honesty means to him. You've continued to lie to him. It's gonna break, you're gonna break his heart. Wow. I didn't think, I mean, I thought it was just about age and it's just about this lie, but- This is about lying in general. Now I'm thinking it's, yeah, it's about lying in general.

It's just his trust in me in general. I've had lots of people lie to me about their age. They usually come clean pretty quickly. You know, like when I was, my single days. Yeah, they'd always, you know, I'm older, so they always lie about being older. You know, I remember, I remember I went on this one date with this girl and I don't know, I think,

you know, I think she told me she was like 28 and then, but like on the first date she was like, I'm actually 32 or something. I don't know if it was something like that But I will say the people who have lied to me about their age are always came clean on the first or second first date Or second date and I still thought it was pretty fucking weird. I was always like what because partly for me It's like, you know, I'm older people have always told me I look young for my age, but I've never lied You know, and I just always thought it was weird that people would lie about their age, you

know, cause I am very uncomfortable with lying. That's what's going to be scary for him is that you're comfortable with lying. Yeah, that is true. And I mean, I talked to my therapist about this too, to, and his question was kind of similar. So he was saying that like, you should definitely talk to him as soon as possible, but at the same time,

you should think about why you're feeling embarrassed about your real age. And I didn't think a lot about that. And to be honest, like being 38 and then being told that I could pass for someone 28, it should be a compliment, but I don't know why I'm just so insecure about getting old. And yeah, I just feel like I'm not ready.

I'm not ready to be 38 yet. Maybe that's why. But again, that doesn't justify why I lied. And I think I do feel comfortable when it comes to like small things. Okay. Age is not a small thing, but like other things, like small lies. I feel pretty comfortable, I guess. How long have you been with this therapist?

Not long, actually only a few months. Okay. Uh, I'm not an expert. I am not a therapist. So take this opinion with a grain of salt. I am unqualified to give this opinion, but maybe you need a therapist. And I only say that because like, ask yourself why you lied about your age.

Fuck, that doesn't take an expert to know why you were uncomfortable with your age. Women are unfairly judged getting older compared to men. Men don't allow women to age gracefully. There's the whole like biological quack and things like that. There's just more judgment that's passed down to women because of age. So why you are insecure about your age

doesn't take a fucking rocket scientist to figure out why. If I, I'm not a therapist, but if I was a therapist, I would think a good therapist would wanna understand why you're so comfortable with lying. Right. And why, like, it's like why you lied about your age. I know why. Why you kept lying about your age and why you were able to like pursue a relationship and invest in a guy who you really liked and really saw something with and yet you were still able to date him this long and keep this lie going, I would want to explore that. And for your boyfriend to get over this, he's going to have to get some answers about that. Because again, he's going to almost certainly overreact.

And he's going to, you know, in a world where everyone's like throwing the words like narcissist and psychopath and things like that, or I'm just telling you and preparing you that like he's going to throw some grenades your way that's gonna feel really harsh and unfair. I hope not. Okay, I hope I am ready for that. Yeah, again, it's not just, again, our culture now is just like, oh, if anyone does something nefarious

or lies or manipulates, it's like, oh, what are you, some sort of crazy narcissistic sociopath, as if like no one lies or keeps secrets. We all do, but some people are much better at lying than others. And for you to be able to like, and I don't know, again, non-therapists here, but like, if I were to just guess, my guess is your ability to lie

is rooted in some kind of past trauma or childhood experience where you had to lie for self-preservation and it was a survival mechanism and you were able to kind of displace and do it for that. Yeah. That would be my guess. I don't know what and I wouldn't just make up an answer to him that sounds like he read it online or you heard it from a guy like me, but I would want to explore that with a therapist if I were you and get some answers as to why or what that trauma was. Because he's gonna wanna know that you have some kind of answer as to why you were able to do this.

That doesn't mean that you're a psychopath. Right. But I definitely know that I have a lot of past trauma. And I don't think you're a psychopath to be clear. Yeah. We all do. I'm always saying this because he cares about you, he loves you, and he wants this relationship with you. And like so when he finds out you lied, he's going to immediately question himself. He's going to feel stupid. How could I have believed you? What else are you lying about? You know, all these things. And I think you're definitely right about past trauma because that's also something I am trying to work through.

So I only came to America 14, 15 years ago. Where you're originally from. And so I am originally from Taiwan. Okay, cool. Yeah, so I've only been here for like, let's say 15 years. And I didn't really know about trauma until I came to America because where I'm from like people don't really talk about mental health at least at that time of course time

has changed but at that time it's just what it is and I feel like I've been just noticing more about my own behaviors being impacted from my past and that's when I started to really want to work on myself. That's awesome. But yeah, I think, yeah, but I definitely agree that past trauma is like sort of steering me to do certain things that I view convenient. Yeah. And I think, yeah, and I really want this to work. And which is why I just have this fear

about breaking into him and now you're scaring me, which I totally understand. I mean, I expect that kind of reaction from him. I know. But I hope I'm not scaring you out of telling him. You have to tell him. You absolutely do. As soon as possible.

And every day that goes by is gonna matter to him. You're just gonna have to get through it. And listen, as much as I'm telling you to prepare for the worst, if this relationship has the potential that you hope it has, you can get through this, you can. But this is gonna test the relationship much sooner than the relationship was gonna get tested otherwise.

And in some cases, that could be a good thing. People have gotten through worse, people can get through cheating and things like that. People can get through violations of trust. People can build through worse. People can get through cheating and things like that. People can get through a violations of trust. People can build back trust. I just want to prepare you for what I'm guessing his reaction is going to be. Assuming you're right about all the things

of how he feels about you. But I'm guessing you are right. And so it's just gonna hurt him. In your opinion, you think I should just sit him down and say what I want wanna tell him really quickly and then give him time? Yeah, I mean, you're gonna say it and I don't know how he's gonna immediately respond.

I don't know. I mean, probably shock at first. I mean, at first he's gonna be like, you're fucking with me and you probably have your ID ready. One, you gotta let him know that like you got to make it very clear I know how much this is gonna hurt and I'm very scared to tell you and I know you probably don't want to hear this But I do I care. Have you guys said you are you guys saying I love you to each other yet?

Yeah, we have and that's why I know that I have to like at this point I know I have to tell him because if I do love him I want to be honest with him and I asked to tell him because if I do love him, I want to be honest with him. And I asked myself, yeah, and I do love him. And I- And so you're just like, I do love you. And this is like, this snowball, I don't want to try to explain it or justify it

because I know it was wrong. It just got carried away. And if you're willing to, I want to figure this out and work through it. If we need to go to couples therapy, I am open to it. I mean, you know, but like, I just, I'm so sorry. And like, and then you're just going to have to see how he reacts. I am also a little bit concerned that if he says, I don't know if I can deal with this right now.

I want to take a break from this. I think it will be, I mean, of course that would be really hurt. Um, I want to take a break from this. I think it will be, I mean, of course that would be really hurt. But also I know that my, cause I think I, I am kind of needy at times and I like to see my partner frequently to have that sense of like safety, I guess. I don't know if I will be able to really handle it. Um, if he says I want to take a break. Yeah.

I know I have to be patient. Yeah, you're just gonna, you unfortunately are gonna have to, you know, kind of follow his lead. It wouldn't shock me if he doesn't actually wanna take a break. He might have to leave and come back, or he might even say that,

but if he wants to make this work, he's gonna have so many questions that like he's gonna have to ask you. I will say, and this probably won't make you feel better by hearing this right now, but as much as this will hurt him, if this relationship is real and if there really is something there, and keep in mind he is a 31 year old, so like you know, slightly probably less mature than you, there is an age difference. Not that you can't get through it, certainly an age difference in my relationship, but you can get through this,

and his inability to get through this is this might be, again, I know you have great plans for this relationship, but if you guys were to break up, I bet you'd wanna know now rather than five years from now. Right. I'm only saying that as a potential silver lining. If he's just like, fuck you, I need to take a break, and that break turns into like, I can't be with you anymore.

Yes, you can be sad and you'll have your regrets, but like, it will do you no good to emotionally beat yourself up and live with this immense regret as if you've lost the love of your life because of this mistake you made. Because I think there is a path forward, it just will be a very difficult path.

It will be a path that will require both of you to put a lot of work in. It will require both of you to have a lot of patience. It will allow both of you to probably end up saying things to each other that ends up hurting each other and to work through that as well. It will probably require both individual and couples therapy. It will require you to like have to allow maybe four or five months down the road

after you guys seemingly work through it for it to like come up again and fight and almost to the past, the point of you being like, I thought we worked through this already and you kind of like feeling like it'll cause a lot of stress, but it is an opportunity to see for you guys to reconnect and work through it. And again, it's not unsalvageable, but it is going to make it a lot, lot harder. And I guess in that regard, you will find out quickly whether this relationship really has what it takes to make work. And so if it doesn't, instead of emotionally beating yourself up, you're just gonna have to like accept that maybe you found out that you two weren't the match.

And I'm not saying that to excuse your behavior. You will still want to then learn from this mistake so that you don't do it in the future and really invest in therapy and really find out why you do turn to lying and not being upfront and why instead of like after the third date, you were like, listen, I'm actually 38. I know I let him out my dating app

because he would have been weirded out or whatever, but like he would have been like, that's fucking weird, but like the sex is great. So I'm gonna keep having sex with you. And you're gonna wanna figure that out. You're gonna have to see this as an opportunity and a blessing, regardless of how things play out. Okay.

And I tell myself, either way, I will be okay. Oh, 100%, not a question in my mind. Whether this relationship works out or not, I don't think will be based off of what happens here. But it will be tested much faster and much sooner than you expected or wanted. And you have a chance to be stronger for it. But quite honestly dating a guy who's seven years younger than you, maybe this is the test that needed. Now I'm not trying to excuse your behavior or justify what happened, but that maybe is a silver lining. Right. Oh my gosh. I hope it, yeah, I really hope it goes okay. And I don't know. I don't even know

what I'm hoping for. It's like he said, if he just accepts it, I'm going to be really surprised of how come he's not upset with me. Give him a couple of days to determine what his authentic reaction is because he might be shocked. If he really downplays it and kind of ignores it and sweeps it under the rug, that's a red flag. You can't let him do that. There's something going on. I don't know what, it could be a bunch of different things, but this is a big lie and it's a lie you kept

for a long period of time. And as someone who claims to value honesty and trust, this is gonna, it should fuck him up. And he has the right to be hurt and upset because he cares about you and he has these great expectations and plans for the relationship with you. And it's going to really hurt his... And if that all is all true, it's going to really hurt him. I think it will really hurt him because, I mean, he told me many times about how much he hated being lied to.

And yeah, and honesty is like what he really cares about. And I just, every time I hear them like, oh my God, I need to tell him this, but. So you tell him all that and just be as honest as possible. Be dead, be so fucking honest right now. You need to be real honest. Okay. You need to be so honest,

even at the risk of hurting his feelings. Cause your instinct is to lie to avoid him hurting. And that is really just you protecting yourself. Whatever trauma you experienced, you were probably, again, I would find out first and I would make sure you have a therapist who wants to explore that rather than asking a stupid fucking question like,

why do you think you lied about that? The fuck? Anyways, I'm not qualified to give that opinion, but it is an opinion that I have. No, I think that's very valid. Okay. All right, well, can you please let us know? Yes.

Do you promise to let us know how this goes? Yes. Okay. Yes, I will definitely update with you guys. All right. And I hope that when I update them, my boyfriend and I are still together. Me too, me too.

Or at least trying to work it through. Work through it. And I'm gonna leave you with this, tonight is a good time. And if not tonight, tomorrow's a great time. You will never be ready to do this, ever. You keep waiting for the right time, will be you just continuing to lie to them

because you will never be ready to do this. This will always be terrifying because you don't know the outcome and you know that he's gonna react poorly so you're just gonna have to do it. So you just pick a time in the next 48 hours to do it and hold yourself accountable. Well weekend is coming up so I plan to tell him like... Yeah. Honestly, Friday nights a good time. Give him cause he probably has a job. Yeah. Yeah. Give him the weekend so that he's not, you know, give him at least 48 hours and

not going to work fucking blindsided and fucked up. Right. So honestly, Friday night, that's your date that you tell them Friday night. Okay. I will do it. All right. You got to, if you really care about this relationship, you got to tell them. Yeah, I will do it. All right, you got to. If you really care about this relationship, you gotta tell him.

Yeah, I do, and that's why I know I have to put my fear aside. Okay, you will be okay. Yeah, I believe that, because this is not gonna be the worst thing that I have to go through, and it's not gonna be the worst thing he's gonna go through. So I know we will be okay.

I just, I need to tell him. And if he, if you're willing to do the work and if he's willing to do the work and emotionally capable of working through difficult times, you guys can get through this. If you guys really care about each other enough, but it, you know, it will take some healing. I hope we do.

Yeah, and we'll definitely take some time and some healing for sure. All right. Yep. Okay. Thank you. All right. Good luck. Please keep us posted.

Thank you. I will. All right. Bye bye. Bye. How's it going? Hi, my name is Grace. I'm 28 years old and my aunt traveled to Mexico for my destination wedding, but did not show up.

So not sure how to move forward. Your aunt traveled to Mexico for your destination wedding and missed the wedding. Correct. So I'll kind of start. Last summer was when I got engaged in middle of July and my husband and I kind of knew right away we wanted to do a destination wedding. So we were looking at different resorts and the one that we ended up picking was an 18 and over resorts so no kids allowed. We knew we wanted it to be in June of this year but we knew a lot of family was not going to be able to attend however I knew my aunt for sure wanted to come. However my cousin, her son, was not going to be turning 18 until the end of June so

we were kind of going back and forth with some dates. We talked with the resort about it and they let us know that if he were gonna be able to attend, that he would have to be turning 18 on the duration of the trip. If we had done the wedding prior to his birthday, he would not be allowed to be on the resort. So that was kind of a deal breaker for my incoming. And so I talked with her because I obviously wanted

to make sure if we were gonna go ahead and book this date specifically for them, that they were gonna be all in. And so talked with her about it. She was like, yep, we really would love for you to book it on that date so that he can come as well. So we went ahead and booked it. But booking this date did mean that a friend of mine who I was planning to ask to be one

of my bridesmaids would not be able to come because she had some other obligations during that date. And so it was kind of choosing, well, do we want them to attend or do we want my friend to attend? Who's going to be a bridesmaid? And so thinking, you know, this is my family, they're always going to be my family. And so that was kind of the area that we prioritized knowing that my friend, you know, understood kind of the situation and that wasn't going to be an issue. So we booked the date. I didn't think too much about it, you know, after that,

but then a few months leading up to the wedding, she gives me a call and asks, is it okay if I throw a small little birthday party, the day, so his birthday was the day before the wedding, is it okay if I throw a little birthday party for him that day? And I said, sure, that's fine, 18 I guess is big birthday, so whatever, sure.

So then she continues to call me on multiple occasions, also calling my mom and basically saying the same things to both of us, just talking about this birthday party. Kind of getting a little frustrated at this point because she's not even really asking me anything about the wedding. She's just much more concerned about this birthday party that she wants to have for him, but I'm like okay whatever, you know that's fine. Talks about the cake that she's gonna get him, how it's really expensive, but she's all right with paying for it, that's fine. Asking you

know who's all gonna come to this birthday party. In the mix of these conversations she also tells my mom that she bought a white dress that she's planning to wear to the wedding, which of course my mom shut down right away and was like absolutely not, do not do that. So continuing to talk about the birthday party, you know, we got to the week of the wedding and the day before the wedding when the party is supposed to be my husband and I are down by the pool, we're hanging out with everybody who's there for the week.

And you know, she's downstairs kind of almost it felt like recruiting people to come to said birthday party like talking to me, she knows a lot of my friends, but like doesn't really know my husband's friends and is asking them to come, you know, so whatever we go up to their room for this party, we have cake, we have champagne, we talk for a while, we're probably up there for 45 minutes an hour. We end up finding out at this birthday party that she had booked an excursion to go snorkeling for the next day, the day of the wedding, including my 83 year old grandfather who was gonna be part of the processional walking my mom down the aisle for the wedding, which we were all

kind of like weird, why would you book an excursion for the day of the wedding? You're gonna be here for however long you could have picked any other day to do that. That's besides the point. My grandpa was supposed to be ready by 2 30 to take some getting ready pictures, but she swears that they're gonna be back in time for that. They were not back in time, so he doesn't end up getting back until around like 3 15, so completely missed all of those pictures. And then family pictures are supposed to happen at five o'clock.

So her and my cousin and my uncle were all down there for pictures, and I show up and I'm like, okay, we're ready to do family pictures. And she immediately stands up and she goes, I have to go to the bathroom. And walks away, goes to the bathroom, and I'm like, okay, what the hell?

But the photographer's just kind of winging it and taking some other pictures before she comes back to take the family pictures. So then we get to the actual wedding part you know I wasn't necessarily looking at everybody at the ceremony so I wasn't all sure who's there because I'm focused on my now husband obviously. And then we get to the cocktail hour and I noticed that they're not there but I'm thinking you know maybe they went back up to the room and changing or something like that.

And about 30 minutes into the cocktail hour, my aunt does show up and is like, we need to take a picture. My friend who happens to be standing next to me pulls out her phone and she goes, no, no, no, not with your phone, with the photographer. So I make sure to pull the photographer off to the side, snaps a picture of us, and then all of a sudden she's gone. And we did not see her, my cousin, or my uncle for the entire rest of the wedding. They did not show up. They didn't come to the dinner. They didn't come to the dancing.

At the wedding, my dad gave a speech. My brother was the best man. So he gave a speech and they completely missed all of that stuff. So she didn't even make the ceremony? To get just bizarre because, correct. She just showed up and took a picture and then peaced out. Pretty much. Do you know where she went? Did you find out? Just back up to the room as far as I know. So the next day, um, I was not there for this,

she happens to be my parents at dinner and comes up to my mom and is just going on and on about how fun their snorkeling excursion was. And it was just so great. And my mom pretty much stops her and goes, is that why you didn't come to Grace's wedding? And she goes, well, yeah, I went back up to the room and they didn't wanna come back down, so we didn't come.

So that was her, they just didn't wanna come down, was the excuse. She didn't even make up any other type of excuse as to why they didn't come. Okay, well, obviously this story is insane, but I guess the question is, was this a surprise? Was this out of character for your aunt? Okay, well obviously this story is insane, but I guess the question is, is like, was this a surprise?

Was this out of character for your aunt? You know, I mean. This is definitely a pattern of behavior for her. Okay, so then the- No, no. Every family's different, you know. I love my family, I like to think, when people ask me, are you close to this family?

I say yes without even hesitating. I mean, I am close with my family. I do a lot for my family. I have a large family, so like every relationship is a little bit different. I have a lot of ads and uncles, closer with some than others. I was honestly surprised to hear that you even considered

moving your wedding to a date that would accommodate your aunt over someone that you wanted to be a bridesmaid. But like, why did you make the decision knowing that your aunt has a pattern of, I don't know, making things about her? Because I come from a super small family, some members who have passed away

in the last couple of years. And so I think because of that, I felt like I don't wanna live with regrets for when that ever happens. I don't wanna feel like I regretted that. And in my mind thinking like, you know, you expect your family members to be there for you, kind of thing, but I do, I totally see

where you're coming from. It definitely was not an easy decision and possibly not the right one. No, it definitely wasn't the right one, but that's okay. Your friend will be fine. But yeah, it's okay to say that, right? Well, clearly, right? Because if you knew then what you know now,

you would have made a different decision, yeah? Correct, yeah. Yeah, so it wasn't, you know, it didn't work out. So I'm guessing your question is like, what do you do with this information? Do you address it, right? Or not let it go? Or like what, you know, how long ago was your wedding?

A month ago, about. A month ago, all right. And I'm assuming you haven't had much of any contact with your aunt since then? Well, so I did not see her for the rest of the trip. But then on the day that pretty much everybody left and my husband and I were still there, she did send me a text and she said, she said, sorry, I didn't say goodbye. Didn't know where your room was at.

Thank you for inviting me to your amazing day. You were absolutely gorgeous. And so I'm like stunned that she's apologizing for not saying bye, but not apologizing for not attending the wedding. So I reply and I say, thank you for making the trip down. I'm glad you had fun. I am disappointed that you guys didn't make it to the wedding, especially considering we picked the day

specifically so that could come. And she replies to me about a day later saying, I'm very sorry, we upset you. That was not how this was supposed to end. And so then I was even more fired up at that point because my biggest pet peeve is when people apologize for the way that the other person is feeling, not for their actions.

And so I'm just kind of at a point. Correct. It's an outrageous thing for her to do considering all the conversations, right? I mean, she was aware that you guys were, if nothing else, trying to accommodate her family's needs. Yeah? A lot of back and forth.

The party is a whole nother aspect, you know? Like whatever, but like she clearly was asking you a lot of questions, she needed information from you guys, if nothing else, about throwing this party, expected some of your guests who didn't even know her son to go to this party, and didn't have the courtesy to show up to your wedding. And what's crazy about this is I think we all know the thing is you might not even have known

she wasn't there at my wedding. It wasn't like I didn't took an inventory of all the people who are RSVP'd and things like that. But once you were made aware of it, you're like, what the fuck? You know what I'm saying? Obviously her not being there didn't really impact how great your wedding was or how much you enjoyed it or it's just

like almost like the principle of it of just knowing she wasn't there and knowing who didn't get to make it as a result but at the same time like this is a pattern of how old your aunt? 55 I believe. So you don't have no plans of getting remarried or having another wedding, right? So it's not like, well, I'm not gonna invite you to my next wedding, right? So she's also like not, you've tried to elicit a sincere apology, you didn't get one.

Unfortunately, I think your only choice is just accept what happened, not dwell on it, because you could let because you know, you could let the fact that, you know, to me the biggest fuck you is that you didn't get to invite your friend, a dear friend, a friend that you would have had stand up in your wedding and that you'll never have that back and that sucks, right?

And it's like not getting an apology from your aunt and having at least recognize it just, I don't know, just fuck, it just is fucking irritating. So you have the right to continue to be irritated, but I guess there's not much you can do, so you're just gonna make a bad situation worse by letting this negative situation kind of, I don't know, metastasize

and become a bigger deal than it is because the principle of it, and then your lasting memory of your wedding is this drama with your aunt, which obviously we don't want, right? Right. And I don't know what, there's really no resolution. So unfortunately you're stuck with forcing

to be the bigger person. And all you can do going forward is just know that no matter what, like you have no reason to go out of your way for your aunt, knowing that she won't return the favor. And if you are willing to go out of your way for your aunt, you need to do so expecting it to be one-sided. Yeah, I think the most frustrating thing is that she is absolutely the type of person

that expects everybody else to go out of their way, and that she doesn't have to reciprocate that. So just stop doing that. I mean, that's just moving forward. Yeah, so if you want an opportunity for revenge or to like to prove your point, know that you will have it. Right? You'll have an opportunity to disappoint her.

If she is someone who is very good at asking for things and very bad at returning the favor, she is gonna ask something from you and your mom or both of you in the future. And in that moment, you can respectfully decline. And if she reacts a certain way, you could just be like, listen, A, I just can't do it, here's why. Because I'm guessing you or your mom

don't wanna just say no out of spite. But the next time it's inconvenient for both you and your mom to accommodate your aunt's needs. Just don't do it. And explain to her, it's just like, well, we're too busy, and by the way, like we have no reason to make an exception for this being inconvenient to us,

because clearly you have a pattern, you missed our wedding, and like you bring it up then, and you don't even do it as like, I mean, it's just like, so why would we do that? You know? And then you can have the conversation then, but between now and that opportunity that almost certainly will present itself,

stop stressing about it and stop expecting your aunt to wake up and be a different person overnight and realize how wrong she was. Because even that, the apology will feel flat and it's not gonna change the fact that your friend missed your wedding. Right. So, just learn from that.

Yeah, no, I'm definitely, definitely no, I will never get an actual apology from her if I haven't gotten one at this point. So, because yeah, besides that text, I've not heard anything else from her. Yeah, just get on the same page as your mom. Is your mom aligned with you? Does your mom, was it as much as an F you to her

as it was to you? Yeah, she, I think she's felt more embarrassed than anything because her own sister didn't show up to her only niece's wedding. And so she's pretty done with her. Absolutely no reason to be embarrassed. She really doesn't. No one's thinking, let's say your mom's name is Dana.

No one's like, oh my God, can you believe Dana and what her sister did? No one's saying that. It's just more like they're just talking about your aunt if they're talking about her at all. Like this is not about your mom. She has zero reason to be embarrassed. So it's just a waste of her energy.

Just next time, don't let your aunt get away with it. Don't let her convince you to think that this, you know, that will be the mistake you and your mom make is like going out of your way to accommodate her thinking that this time will be different. Right. And she will finally, because that's people in your shoes,

the mistake they make is like in relationships, right? Like this, you know, this is a relationship. But like what you guys wanted was the appreciation for going out of your way, right? And you didn't get that appreciation. In fact, she went a step further. You got to fuck you instead. So people in your shoes might make the mistake

of doing the same thing they would do in the past because this time she will at least appreciate what you did because you didn't get it last time. So stop thinking she's gonna appreciate you, she won't, and just stop doing the thing that you're so used to doing, which is accommodating her. Just say no. Just be like, no, sorry, I can't. Don't explain yourself.

Just be like, I can't, sorry. We're not available. That's all you can do. Yeah, no, for sure. That's good advice. Yeah, what a story, family. Yeah. Yeah. But you clearly know's good advice. Yeah, what a story. Family. Yeah. Yeah, but you clearly know what you have in this person, right? And so just stop

making the mistake of thinking that there's someone else. You can still love your aunt, they can still be your family, you know, but you just have to accept that they are insanely self-centered and even if they think there's a reason, like that's who they are. Right. Okay? Yeah, unfortunately, and now that we're talking, she did the same thing for my engagement party and my bridal shower, where she basically showed up for two seconds,

made sure to take a picture, and then dipped out after that. There you go, yeah. But it was booked at that point, so. Yeah, a lot of your feelings are probably, I'm guessing, knowing that you should have known better and being frustrated that you didn't. Yeah, a lot of your feelings are probably, I'm guessing, knowing that you should have known better and being frustrated that you didn't. Yeah, 100%.

So just recognize that and just don't do it again. Yeah. You know, I don't know if you, like if you and your husband plan on having kids or something and then you have a first year, you know, a birthday for your, you know, like stop accommodating your aunt. Yeah.

All right? Yep, no, you're totally right, Nick. Thank you. All right, take care. Thank you for the call. Family man. No shit. Did you have a fun, it was the wedding great?

It was fantastic. Honestly, like other than that, everything went perfectly. It was so fun. Like everybody was so happy to be there and it was a great time. Great. And and this channel that energy and the memories of your wedding Yeah, yeah and chant and remember that right because right now Too much way too much energy being focused on someone who didn't even give enough to be there

So and trying to figure out why or acting shocked now that we've known that there's a pattern here is silly. Yep. All right, well, I'm glad the wedding was a hit. Congratulations on love. Thank you so much, I appreciate it. All right, take care. You too, bye. Bye bye.

Thanks for listening, sending those questions at us, nickofthebellfiles.com. We'll see you tomorrow. Bye.