The Viall Files - E794 Ask Nick - Guys Think I’m Intense

Episode Date: August 19, 2024

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! We start off the episode with a Written Ask Nick. Then we get to our callers…  Our first caller found out her boyfriend cheated on her a year ago, and doesn't know what to do. Our second caller’s boyfriend shaves his face for work, and she doesn’t like it. And, our third caller wants more from a guy who went no contact.   "Do you think he’s still lying to you?" Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice, send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Altoids - Find Altoids In The Check-Out Aisle! Grab Your Tin Today!  Audible - Listen now. Go to https://www.Audible.com/dropdead BetterHelp - Get it off your chest, with BetterHelp. Visit https://www.BetterHelp.com/VIALL today to get 10% off your first month. Huggies - Learn More At https://www.Huggies.com  Helix Sleep - Helix is offering up to 25% off all mattress orders AND two free pillows for our listeners! Go to https://www.HelixSleep.com/Viall  Cymbiotika - Feel more energized, alert, and balanced with high-quality supplements that work. Head over to https://www.Cymbiotika.com/VIALL for 20% off + free shipping on your subscription order. Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @justinkaphillips @dereklanerussell @kymccarthy23 @allisonklemes

Today's episode is brought to you by Altoids, because let's face it, navigating the dating world isn't easy, but with Altoids, your breath will be stronger than the urge to text. You up? At 1 a.m. More intense than a rose ceremony

and more reliable than your bestie's questionable dating tips. Like, do the simple things. Make sure that you have fresh breath wherever you go, and you gotta do it with Altoids. Altoids is your sidekick in dating. Do yourself a favor and make sure that you have fresh breath.

There is no bigger turnoff than stale, stinky, rotten breath. It's also so easy because I feel like with gum, you always either hate, like a wrapper you gotta throw away or you're like the gum gets nasty and you're like, where can I throw this gum away? With an Altoid, it's just so easy to throw in your bag, so easy to just dissolve in your mouth, chew it up, fresh breath immediately.

Immediately. Altoids is the strong, reliable, and intense boost of freshness that young professionals and single minglers need to be their authentic selves in daily life. When walking into a high stakes moment, if you have Altoids, your breath is one less thing you have to think about. When it comes to needing confidence and security

to show up as your original self, Altoids has you covered. They're not just mints, they're curiously strong mints. Find Altoids in the checkout aisles. Grab your tin today. A fiery rivalry, a nemesis with benefits, a race to get to the bottom, but stay on top here. Best selling romance author, Lily Chu's newest audible original, Drop Dead, starring Hamilton's breakout star, Philippa Sue, alongside versatile funnyman John Cho of Star Trek and Harold and Kumar fame. Filled with huge laughs, big twists, and sizzling banter throughout, Lily Chu's latest weaves together a scandalous mystery and slow-burn romance to heart-pounding effect. Unravel the secrets and watch the sparks fly as fellow fearless reporters Nadine and Wes

embark on a fast paced adventure, chasing down the truth and stumbling upon something far deeper than either could have imagined. From the queen of swoon worthy moments herself, Lily Choo's Drop Dead is a hilarious and lust filled must listen. Listen now! Go to audible.com slash drop dead. Again, go to audible.com slash drop dead. Again, go to audible.com slash drop dead.

What's going on everybody? Welcome back to another exciting episode of the Vile Files Ask Nick edition. I'm your host, Nick, joined by sweet boy Justin. We have an incredible episode for you. Some amazing callers excited to get to them. I think we have a written, a writer in her first before we get to our callers. We do. And this is an interesting one. So our writer in her writes in with the headline box room SOS. And she says, I've lived with my boyfriend for a year now, and this is an interesting one. So our writer in her writes in with the headline Box Room S.O.S. and she says,

I've lived with my boyfriend for a year now and I've been dating for over two years. Things have been going pretty well and I love him very much, however, we're having some friction around things I feel could easily be worked on in art. My boyfriend never fully moved in his boxes and then added more. To function in his office, he has to move boxes around and we pay a crazy amount of rent to store them. I've begged him to pick them up and he makes zero moves on it, says he will and then added more. To function in his office, he has to move boxes around, and we pay a crazy amount of rent to store them. I've begged him to pick them up, and he makes zero moves on it, says he will, and then nothing changes. On one side, the newer boxes are from his childhood. He has them because his parents got divorced, and I see a mental hurdle

there, which I'm sorry for. However, it has been a year, and I don't know what to do. These boxes make me feel extremely unsettled to a point where I'm embarrassed to have people over. I take part in having a clean, cozy house and these boxes are all people can see when they visit. I feel like such an ag. It isn't natural for me and I'm getting really tired of it. And then I realize these boxes might be a symbol of other things like intimacy and getting engaged? Like he's dragging across a few things that matter to me and I don't feel seen. He's very dedicated to running but sometimes gets blinders on looking forward. Thanks." The running part, was that just thrown in? I think also he runs? I think that's like her little anecdote of like he's always moving forward but not looking at me.

So I'm envisioning like they moved in together and there's just a bunch of boxes that are sitting in like their apartment or house or whatever. Yeah, we know specifically that it's like, his office is filled with boxes. And then potentially it's where people are visiting. So in the living room or hallway maybe. Certainly not her responsibility, but what is stopping her from just unboxing this stuff? Yeah, I mean, that's a good point. And I'm not saying, well, why don't you do it?

I'm sure she's like, well, it's his stuff. It's his responsibility. Maybe he also is just like, I don't want you to unpack it because like there are certain sentimental stuff. I mean, I am some you're talking to a man who has moved into an apartment and there's I've joked about this before, but I always feel like what I was living by myself as a single man, I'd move in and I'd have like, I'd move in and I'd always find like some new stuff to decorate. I'd really kind of like, I'm gonna really go into this and you know, buy some things and you know, really spend a few couple days like unboxing stuff and there'd

always be like one or two boxes that I would just like, it was like clutter. I didn't really know what to do with it. I didn't want to get rid of it, you know, or maybe I was like, I'll get to it tomorrow because I had spent the past 48 hours moving in and then it would sit there. And then the boxes become decoration. Yeah. And then I would, I mean, I remember, like my last apartment before I bought this house, I had a box that was there

for two and a half years I lived there. What was in the box? I have no idea. Stuff, junk, whatever, nothing I missed. Certainly probably something I should have thrown away, but it was there. So I think that that's a possibility, but like the divorce element of his parents,

like I don't know why that has to stay in a box. She's obviously bugging him. I mean, hard to say whether this is like some sort of metaphor for, I don't know if this is necessarily he's procrastinating about engagement or anything. It could just be he's avoiding unboxing stuff. I'd be curious if she's asked him if she can just do it. And he's been like, no, I don't want you to do it,

I'll do it, but also refusing not to do it. Like that would be very frustrating. I do get a perspective though, cause I'm a clean person too. So like when I have a box, it's like that needs to go right away. Like if I unpack something, like everything's unpacked before I like settle down.

So I get that perspective of like, it seems like an easy to do thing for some people, that's like a low priority. For example, like when you were reading this, there's like a, I feel like every day, there's something Natalie asks me to do after I get home, it's a long day and I'm like, oh, let's go to it later. And there are often times that she has to ask me

a handful of times to do something. And sometimes she'll vent her frustrations about that, or at least tease me that she always has to ask me multiple times. She's like, yeah, let me guess, you'll do it later. Stuff like that, your kind of typical relationship back and forth. But eventually I'll do it.

The question is, how dismissive is he being? Is she really bugging him that much and he's simply just refusing not to do it while simultaneously not letting her unbox it herself? That's weird. Is she just saying, this is your job, it's not my responsibility and you need to unbox this because I don't know what to do with your stuff. Again, it's not her job to do it, but she does live there and it's just

like, I don't know. Again, the broom, the bed and the budget. This is a broom conversation. Who's doing what? She could definitely unbox things and I'm sure, there's Nally packed my suitcase for our trip to New York. It's like I appreciate her doing it, I had other things going on. There are things I do for her that it's like, it becomes less of like whose job is it? It's just like we live together and things need to get done. She's got strengths and weaknesses,

he's got strengths and weaknesses. Maybe it's just that. We would just be speculating if this is some sort of metaphor for commitment issues and things like that. But she seems to sense that. I don't know if she's getting in her head about it, but maybe there's some follow up. I think we need a little bit more information.

Yeah, I do get the embarrassment part. So maybe it's like, she's probably, she's had conversations, but the embarrassment of not bringing people over, that is a safe space. Sure, but I really wanna know if she's asked him to do it and he's been like, no, don't touch it, I wanna do it, but also simultaneously never doing around doing it. If she is a neat freak, that's another thing,

it's just like, how tidy is she? How meticulous is she? Is it just more, we're discussing basically two people who are distinctly different in terms of their personalities, in terms of how their comfort level with messiness, organization, things like that, and it's just really bothering her and it's not bothering him at all.

Or is he, again, really being resistant, almost fighting with her about, weirdly, about unboxing? So then he doesn't wanna to do it in return? Like he's been asked so many times and now he's like, okay, I don't want to do it. Well, you know how like, you know, a lot of conversations about like, I want to have my boyfriend who proposed to me

and things like that, you know? And that's one of those things where if you're a woman in this relationship where you're dating a man, I guess it's 2024 or something, you know, a woman can always propose to a man, but very few people want to do that. And so you really are just at the mercy of the person who you want to propose to you.

There's nothing you can, you can't go buy yourself a ring and put it out there and say, all right, propose to me at this time. You really just have to wait, you know? So like she's almost talking as if like she can't do it on her own. And again, I'm not saying it's her job or responsibility, but like maybe, you know, Natalieellie never picks up the dog poop.

I pick up the dog poop. Is it my job? No, you know, Nellie's not a big fan of it. She would rather not do it. I'm like, I don't care. I'll do it. It's, you know. Yeah. And she does the laundry.

She does a lot. Yeah. You know, she does the, I don't do the laundry. Exactly. I'll never do the laundry. You know, if I have, I'd rather just hire someone. And I was like, I'll do this through the laundry. You know? So maybe he's like unboxing for some people just like, I don't know the fucking deal with it.

And that's part of my problem is I'm just really bad at organizing things. So like if I know where it's gonna go, then I can unbox it. And I think this last box, like I remember it's just like, I don't know what to do with this shit, but I don't wanna get rid of it. So I just left it in the box.

And is that what he's doing? I wonder if the solution is making a date out of cleaning. Maybe like Saturday we're gonna do the box room. Yeah, maybe. Let's like order some pizza, sit down, unpack. Yeah, like let's just, there you go. Together. To do it together.

Like find out how resistant he is to this. If he's simply just procrastinating on boxing stuff, I think it's a bit of a reach to start like getting in your head about like his commitment issues to you and things like that, unless there's some information we're not receiving. But yeah, that's a great suggestion. But if she is stubbornly like, this is your job, you need to do it, I've asked you to do it,

why haven't you done it? Certainly that makes sense, but if it's bothering you so much, just do it. And maybe he just doesn't know where to put this shit, everybody doesn't wanna get rid of it. She did mention, you know? And maybe he just doesn't know where to put this shit. Everybody doesn't want to get rid of it. She did mention storage, like they're paying for storage. Yeah, move it to the storage maybe. You know, and he's just like, I don't, you know, whatever.

You know, maybe they are wasting money on storage, but maybe it's just like easier for him to just set it aside. Especially the stuff that, you know, his parents put in a box and his parents got divorced. You know, my mom, my parents are still together. My mama has a lot of my stuff from high school, memorabilia, medals, trophies, you know, artwork.

Mine does too, yeah. My parents now live at the lake house, right? My brother has sent me some stuff, you know, some old photographs, and he's like, what do you wanna do with this? I'm like, well, don't throw it out, you know? But I haven't been like, oh, I'm gonna send you some labels to ship it to my house, I haven't done that.

I don't want it, I don't even know what to do with it, but I don't want it to go away. Yeah, it's because you have free storage, essentially. Yeah, you know't done that. I don't want it, I don't even know what to do with it. But I don't want it to go away. Yeah, it's because you have free storage essentially. Yeah, you know, and that's kind of how he sees it. The mess isn't bothering him, and it's bothering her. And just based off of what we're reading, I feel like it's more like that. Yeah, I mean she did start it off with saying,

I feel this could easily be worked on, and just hasn't been. Yeah, if I had to guess with the limited information that we have, is that she has decided it's his job and he needs to do this because it's his stuff, which makes a lot of sense. But she's not considering the possibility that they could do it together or she could just do it.

They should be helping each other out, get things done. Especially when you live together, you both have strengths and weaknesses. Find out what those are. You don't live together and be like, well, I'll do my laundry and you do yours. I'll do my dishes and you do yours. I'll do my dishes and you do yours. That's weird.

That's having a roommate. I was gonna say it's a roommate, not a partner. And so maybe that's the solution. If you offered both those options and he is weirdly refusing that, then maybe there's something weird going on. Explore that. Let us know in the comments if you disagree.

We have a great week lined up for you. If you haven't listened to last week's Going Deeper, we had two great episodes. One with country music star Carly Pearce We have a great week lined up for you. If you haven't listened to last week's Going Deeper, we had two great episodes. One with country music star Carly Pearce. What a great episode. Big fan of hers. Just a really great person. Really opened up, talked about her divorce.

If you're someone who's going through divorce, gotten divorce, feel like can't see the light on the other side of the tunnel, I think this would be a very inspiring episode for you. Also we have new bachelor Grant Ellis with us. That came out last Thursday, really seemed like a great guy. I think that was my big takeaway with Grant. Obviously a little nervous, I think he was, you know,

he just kind of announced being the Bachelor overnight. It was really his first interview. I got the impression he seems like a really high character guy. He seems genuine. Yeah, he seems like a really legitimate guy. You know, I didn't get a lot of fluff. He didn't seem like he was trying to be performative

anyway, just a really more reserved a little bit, you know, good looking, handsome man. Six five. Yeah, I'm excited for him. But I hope you guys listen to that. I think you'll learn a lot about your new bachelor, Grant Ellis. So check that out.

We got Robin Aaron tomorrow on reality recap, plus maybe some other people from Love Island. They have the big reunion that comes out, that came out, well comes out tonight. The reunion is tonight. So we got some big conversations coming on this week from your favorite Islanders. Plus Nicole is with us for Going Deeper this week. The big explosive interview. Nicole sits down with us explaining all the fallout that happened after Love Island. She's been shockingly quiet for so many years.

Silent, yeah. Silent almost. She posted something on the story. So again, I'm sure we'll learn a little bit tonight at the reunion, but obviously we'll get so much more from Nicole and that is an incredible conversation. Nicole really opens up. It's some shocking information that you won't wanna miss.

Plus Reality Recap on Thursday with some more surprising guests. We're excited for you to check it out. Thanks for listening. Subscribe, tell your friends, like, let us know in the comments, all those fun stuff. All right, let's get to our call. What's your time with me? Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going?

Hi, my name's Sarah. I'm 26 years old and I just found out my boyfriend cheated on me a year ago. Okay. Your current boyfriend that you're still in a relationship with? Yeah. Okay. When did you find out? I found out this April. Okay. So that's a while ago. How did you find out? I got back from a trip and I was visiting him. We're in a long distance relationship.

We just signed a lease to move in together for June and I just had this gut instinct that I needed to look through his phone before moving across the country for him. And then you found something? I found a lot of things, yeah. What'd you find? I found messages between, with girls of him pursuing, trying to hang out with them, like go on dates.

Girls that he had slept with before, this was all during our exclusive stage, so not fully in a relationship, but we were exclusive. So that was what I found at first, but I found a lot more after I confronted him and we went through his messages together. Okay. What did he admit to? Was it emotionally cheating? Did he physically cheat? Um, physically. Okay. And emotionally, obviously. Yeah. So what was the initial fallout? Like what happened? What did you do? I confronted him by saying, you have one chance to be honest with me. I know that you were

unfaithful to me and you have one chance to be honest and tell me what happened. And he said, I have no idea what you're talking about. And I told him all the names that I had found in his phone. And he said, I don't know who those people are. He I told him all the names that I had found in his phone. And he said, I don't know who those people are. He needed me to say last names. I told him who, and he just, he didn't really own up to anything. Has he yet? He has now because we continued to go through more of his messages together and I found more information. And so he kind of had to own up to it because the evidence was right there. Okay but do you feel like he did? Yeah. Did he reveal any more information to you that didn't come from you like being like I have the

receipts? The only thing that he admitted to that I didn't find first was that he kissed someone on New Year's while we were together, but those messages were in his inbox. So I did find those messages after, but that was the only thing he admitted to before I found it. Okay, and do you believe that? Yeah.

Why? I don't know. Well, here, let me ask you a question. Let's wind up a little bit. You found this out in April, it's August. Why are you calling me now? What can I help you out with? There's obviously something that's bothering you.

There's obviously something inside that you don't have the answers you need or the clear... Whether it's the answers or the path forward, you're struggling with the decision you've made or are making, right? Obviously. So what prompted you to call and what are you hoping to get out of this call? So I'm really hoping to get an unbiased opinion of, am I foolish for deciding to forgive him? And you know, there's a lot of context to it because there's, I'm going to have to move

to the other side of the country eventually if we want to make this work And so it's obviously been a roller coaster, but just an unbiased opinion of really should I really be giving this a chance and You know, maybe some hard truths to me as well because I know that I need to make sacrifices By forgiving him and forgiving him a chance. I know that it's a two-way effort, but yeah, I just really like your unbiased opinion on do I look like an idiot for forgiving him? No, you're a human being. So it's, you know, you care about him, you love him. You've thought about moving across the country with this guy. You obviously finding this out

must have been heartbreaking. And I'm sure you felt a million different things, but you also love him, right? So your desire to want to make it work and to forgive him is human. Anyone who says otherwise and wants to judge you for that, either they're projecting or they just haven't been through it themselves. And by through it, I mean just like a betrayal of any kind. It doesn't always have to be cheating to feel betrayed by the person you love. So there's that. But this isn't about, we don't really care

whether you look stupid or not, right? That's not what you're trying to figure out. You're trying to figure out whether this is like, really, you should be doing this. Is it a waste of your time? Are you making a mistake by, are you setting yourself up for further hurt and pain? Those are the big questions, right? And that's, that's what we want to figure out. So my big,

my first question is, after he finally came clean, at least owned up to what we least we think or hope is all of it, right? What did he say? You know, that was there? Did you break up with him? Like what the immediate fallout? Like, what like what was that like? So he was basically like, okay, like obviously this is over. He was very upset, but he wasn't like on his hands and knees saying, forgive me, forgive me, I'll do anything, which I appreciated because I've gotten that before and it just wasn't real. Well, that's fair. I mean, just begging on your hands

and knees and saying you'll do anything doesn't mean shit unless you're actually willing to do anything. I mean, I mean, not anything, but like, you're willing to do what needs to be done to fix the damage that's been caused. Yeah, totally. So I said, I'm not moving here anymore. If you want to continue this relationship and show me that you want this relationship, you can move to where I am and we can see if we can work it out.

Okay. I'm not gonna be inconvenienced for this. I'm not moving across the country for you. What did he say? He was very hesitant about it because he had just moved back home with his friends and family. He had been away for three years, so he had just moved back home at this point. And so it wasn't what he wanted to do. And so it took a lot of time and discussion, which also I appreciated for him to finally say, okay, I'll do the move.

I didn't want him to just blindly accept anything that I said. So he really thought about everything and said, okay, I will move there. But then he's not here. So he never moved. He didn't know there. There was a bit of a fight and I broke up with him sooner than I was ready and then he was just like, I can't move there when this is where we're at. So we've continued on with long distance and are doing visits still. What do you mean you broke up with him? He was going out with some new coworkers and we made a couple couple agreements on just some boundaries that I had to make me feel more comfortable about him going out. And he didn't do any of those things. And he called me kind of blaming it all on me.

And then the next day I just said, I can't do this anymore. Like you're clearly showing me that you don't have the emotional maturity to deal with this. But he's your boyfriend today. He is. So then we had a weekend apart to think about things and I kind of gathered more of my thoughts and like just really regretted it. Why? Why did you regret it? I don't really know. I don't know if I just wasn't ready for it or if I just came to the conclusion like hey That's not really what I want to break up over Well, no, I mean that's your challenge, right?

And that's the the part that's really sucks to be in your shoes. You wanted this to work from the beginning You loved them. It certainly let me ask you this question This is a really important question and before you answer it I want you to think about it Feel free to close your eyes and think about it. When you found out that he cheated on you, on a day in and a day out basis, looking back and how you felt about him

and the relationship, can you say that you felt love by him despite his fuck up? Yeah, 100%. Okay, that's good. There's that, you got that going for you. But that is the challenge. I mean, you're never going to want to end this relationship. Your instinct is to want to forgive him. Your instinct is to see the best in him, you know, because when we get into

relationships, that's what we want to do. You have to be mindful of that, knowing that you're never going to want to break up with him. I'm not hearing a lot of things I wanted to hear to think that this relationship has a shot. Infidelity doesn't have to be the end of a relationship, even though it often is, but it requires a lot to get through it. So much really falls on him. He has to really see the errors of his way. He has to truly be contrite. He has to truly want to change. I mean, the biggest thing he needs to do is have a desire to understand why he did what he did and a willingness to correct it and fix it. That's it. If we had 30 seconds to talk,

that's what I would say to you. We have been talking about that a lot and I've been trying to get to the root understanding and he's been saying, he knows that it's because of validation issues. Okay. Diving into his previous stories of his best. He knows he has validation issues. And we went to couples therapy a few times.

Post-cheating? Post-cheating, yeah. And it kind of just fizzled out, but I did tell him like, you have these validation issues and even if we do get through this, even if we grow stronger out of it, we're a happy, healthy relationship, that's not going to solve your validation issues. And I need you to go to individual therapy for that, but I need you to want to do that. It's not going to be on my accord. I need you to want to fix this. And he said and did what? He agreed. This was maybe a couple of weeks ago that we had this conversation. And I've so far, I've seen no initiation of looking into therapy, no further discussion about it. Okay, that's not great. I would love to have been him and been more proactive about that.

If he's self-aware enough to come up with, hey, I got some validation issues, then he should be capable of knowing that he needs to do something about it if he really cares about this relationship and you. And if he really wants to fix this, you know, it if he really cares about this relationship and you. And if he really wants to fix this, you know, and if he really wants to fix this relationship and make this work, he should be willing to do whatever it takes. To me, him not diving into therapy right away. Because what I would have loved for you to say when you told me this, it's like, hey, I found out he cheated on me, did X, Y, and Z, is like, yeah, you know, listen, like, it's not great that you had to find out, right, the way you did. You know, he, and Z is like, yeah, you know, listen, like it's not great that you had to find out, right? The way you did, you know, he continued to lie.

That doesn't help with the trust issues. It makes it worse, right? It's like he didn't tell the truth because he wanted to come clean. He told the truth because he got caught. And even then he still lied. And I'm guessing at times when you're alone and your thoughts, it's probably a little scary

how convincing he was when he was like, I don't know who these people are. And if you didn't have the receipts, you would have been like, you know, if you just had that intuition that you, that whatever intuition that made you check your phone, and you're like, you know what, I'm gonna call his bluff. I'm just gonna, you know, do the whole thing.

We're like, I know you're doing this, and I, you know, I have proof, and you're just banking on the fact that he'll come clean. He was probably shockingly convincing that he wasn't doing anything. But once he found out, and once he knew, and then finally there's this moment of like, fine, I fucking did it.

Like, I would have wanted you to hear that there was a real fear in his eyes about like his life, you know, drastically changing, that he realized he was gonna lose you. He did say like, this is gonna be the biggest mistake of my life. And I did see fear and like, upset. That's good. But he wasn't willing to do anything he could in that moment. It sounds like it was a lot of like, you saying what you needed and you offering suggestions and then him still like, you know, at best he would agree to it but then not do it. And at worst, he just didn't really agree to anything at all. Or he reluctantly went because, you know, you made the effort. I'm guessing

you booked the couple's therapy. Well, he suggested it. No, actually we booked it together. He looked it up and he suggested. Okay. Love that. Okay. That's, that's progress. Yeah, I don't know. I'm just not convinced he really wants to figure out why he did this. When you broke up with him, what was the thing that you asked him to do that he didn't do at all? When he was out, there was a bunch of work activities and then I was kind of iffy about him kind of going out and staying out late after at the bar.

And, um, we agreed that he would stop drinking after all the activities. Like if he decided to go out to the bar after, just stop drinking there. Cause I wanted him to be aware of his surroundings. I wanted him to be aware of his behavior and then to be home at a certain time. And he drank when he got there and he was home late.

I mean, that's tough just because that's not even really sustainable. I mean, no one wants to give their partner a curfew. Totally. You know, and I get why, you know, it's just like a weird thing to have to even ask that shit. But the fact that like, again, like, what bothers me the most is that you even had to ask. What bothers me the most is that you even had to ask.

What bothers me the most is that you're in this long distance relationship still. If he says he cares about you, then him caring about you, he should have the ability to empathize with the pain that he's caused you, especially now that he knows that you know and the insecurities that might bring up and the triggering events that that might cause. I think he's capable of having the self-awareness of knowing that the fact that you two are still in a long distance relationship after the fact you found out he cheated on you,

like him going at it all, he should have the self-awareness that might be triggering for you. And he should want to limit that as much as possible. Now again, it's not sustainable to sit there and never go out with his friends or anything like that. But like the fact that like, at least early on, even if it's not sustainable, early on, he should have been like really communicative and really been like, listen, I just, I know I already put through for a lot.

I, I'm like, he should have acted so grateful that you were even giving him this chance. You know, I do see an effort with him trying to come up with ways to make me feel more comfortable. Like he definitely shows empathy for that. And he's very forward and in saying, what can I do to make you feel more comfortable about this? And I can't remember if he or I was the one who suggested those boundaries. I just remember that we agreed on it and he broke it. The other problem you have too is like,

it would be nuts for you to move to him given your current situation. Yeah, it's kind of like, well, we either continue long distance, which we can't. You can't. I mean, that's like, honestly, it must be torture for you. I mean how do you even know if he's not doing what you hope he's not doing? You really don't. There's no way. Come out. And a guy who has admitted to you that he has some validation issues that he hasn't addressed even if he was in therapy doesn't like go away overnight. How is he scratching that itch that he used to scratch before when he was cheating on you?

Yeah, well, he talked about that too. And he said, I feel like now I do get enough validation for you. I don't feel like my head turns to other people. I don't think about other people. I feel like I get enough of that from you. This wasn't the same conversation as me suggesting therapy, but it can't just be from me. He needs to feel that himself. Yeah, it's a tough situation. I guess my honest feedback when you called up, knowing that you wanted to make this work, I think that's obvious, you're still with him,

it's been four months, I wanna find a path forward for you. I'm having a hard time doing that. It's like, but I get why he's saying enough to keep you, maybe, you know, like it's like maybe. But the big problem again is like one, just from a practical standpoint, the long distance, like it's not sustainable in general for any relationship, especially for yours given the damage that's been caused. And so I don't know how you kind of have peace of mind in this relationship right now, and you need to close the distance. It would honestly be almost foolish for him to move.

But the difference between you and him is that, you know, he needs to make the sacrifices. You've already, you're making sacri, you are, you are already making a sacrifice by giving him a chance. That's a huge sacrifice. That's a huge sacrifice. It's a huge one. You know, you're emotionally vulnerable right now. Like you could have been, April, May, June, July, four months into healing, right?

Huge sacrifice. And so if you decide to move on, like you've lost those months, you know, I'm not trying to make you feel bad or anything like that, but I'm just, you know, you are making the sacrifice. So even though it kind of be nuts for him to do, if he really wants to make this relationship work, he needs to be willing to make some sacrifices. I don't, I'm not seeing a lot of sacrifices, certainly not ones that you're making.

Yeah. And you know, it's funny that you say that because sacrifices is a word we've been using a lot because there is a year there where our job situation wasn't really great for visiting each other and I was in a way better position to visit. So I was the one doing a lot of the visiting. He was chipping in and paying for it, but I was the one kind of making those sacrifices and paying for things and visiting him until our job situation got better. And he's kind of, or actually our last argument that we had last night,

he was saying like, I feel like you don't acknowledge my sacrifices, but at the same time, I feel like I have had to beg him for each one, like for him to... What are his sacrifices that he thinks he's making? Honestly, like effort, maybe he would say. He made a sacrifice by not taking a job like a year ago because of where our relationship was at. Okay, that's a sacrifice. Is that true though? Yeah, it's true.

I mean, that's that is a sacrifice, but I don't, is that what he's talking about? I'm not too sure. I'm guessing you probably did acknowledge it when it happened too? I think I acknowledged it, but not to an extent that he was wanting. Okay, that's a fair gripe, you know? Maybe something that would come, you know, like again,

like regardless of, you know, when an infidelity happens and a couple goes into couples therapy, like yeah, there's a lot of conversations around the infidelity and the cheating and there's a lot of hurt and certainly there might even be yelling and things like that. But eventually you get to the point

where both people are communicating frustrations of the relationship, you know, and things that both people can work on, and et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Actually, I remember what he would think of as the sacrifices is mostly finances, because he's been visiting me more, and with our place that we got for June 1st, our rental,

I ended up not moving in. So he had to cover a lot of the expenses and to keep the place just in case we did end up moving back in there together. Okay. And that's post you finding out he cheated? Yeah. Okay. I mean, yeah, I guess it's a sacrifice but it's a sacrifice that

It's a consequence to his there you go. Yeah, it's not really a sacrifice. It's more of a consequence, you know, it's kind of bare minimum Thank you I mean, what does your gut tell you, you know, like do you do you think there's a path forward? Yeah I think there could be because... That's not what I asked though. I mean, of course, anything's possible. If nothing changed. If nothing changed from here on out, no, there's not a path forward. And what needs to change in your mind?

I need him to be making an intentional personal effort and I need him to stop lying to me. Do you think he's stop lying to me. Do you think he's still lying to you? Yes, yeah. You know he is. Yeah, the last visit that we had, I found out that he had an OnlyFans account

that he said he didn't have. And he also lied about, well, he says that he just forgot, but he then mentioned to me history that he had with a long time female friend when I directly asked. Okay. Yeah, this isn't great for you. Because like, let's say when you found out, shit hit the fan, you had a big fight, a lot

of tears, things were sad, yada yada, you calmed down, he calmed down. And then he was just like, babe, I'm so sorry, I know that doesn't help, but I wanna do anything I can to fix this. I fucked up and I wanna do it. And I'd love four months later for you guys to be in a place where if I were to say, is there a path forward for you to say yes?

Because even then, even if you guys started doing whatever it is that you felt like you guys needed to do to heal the relationship, him getting an individual therapy, you guys continuing couples therapy, you guys closing the distance from not being in a long distance relationship, you feel like you're having pretty healthy conversations that you actually feel like you're almost connecting more because of the therapy

he's doing in the couples therapy you're doing even if Everything since the revelation of him cheating that you were like to be honest in a weird fucked up way We've had some of the you know for the best months of our relationship, you know given all this I mean still there's still a lot of pain. I'm still not sure. I still don't know if I can trust him. But honestly, things have been really good. Even then, it would be worth having this conversation that we're having whether like, you know, should this be something you still stay in. And the fact that as of today, yeah, he's done some things that are good, you know, there's definitely some things we're like, well, he did, he actually did this, you know, it's done some things that are good. There's definitely some things where you're like,

well, he actually did this. It's not a complete nothing burger in his court, but you still have caught him in lies. He feels like the effort he's making now isn't a direct result of the choices he's made, but is almost as something he should be rewarded for. Now, him visiting you and using his money to do that and stepping up in ways, he's not doing it because he knows he fucked up and he's trying to save his relationship. He's mentally collecting IOUs. It's funny you say that too because he mentions often that I don't acknowledge the things that he's doing to make an effort. I feel like I do, but obviously not enough.

And to me, I'm just like, I don't owe you to bow down and say, thank you so much for doing this for me. Like, yeah. Yeah, I'm sorry you're going through this, it sucks. Thank you. So what do we do about it? Yeah, it makes it hard for feeling like there's a time constraint now,

too, because there's, he had a roommate for the summer who is now moving out and I'm kind of expected to move in. Otherwise, he's going to need to find a new roommate and there won't, I won't be able to move in. I mean, not really, but sure. He can't cover rent all on his own. Are you in a position to move? For him to him emotionally. Yeah, not a motion like it would be nuts. It would be absolutely nuts for you to do that Yeah, why are you okay with the fact that he's still lying to you? I'm not okay with it um, I just found this out maybe a week ago and we we Still together Talking about it. ago and we... Still together.

We're talking about it, yeah. We are still together. But I think it's because if these were things that happened before... But they're not. Yeah, I think because these small instances, they're like, okay, like, do it. I don't really care that he had an OnlyFans account.

Yeah, you care that he lied. You care that he lied. And you care that it's easy for him to lie, and that his default is to lie. And listen, on a human level, I can sit there and make a guess on why he lies. Most people lie, it's compulsive liars. People who are really good at lying

and can lie over big things and seemingly feel like it's easy for them, it can be like a survival mechanism. I don't know, maybe your boyfriend has some past trauma that lying was a requirement for him to survive. I think a lot of people feel that way, especially people who suffer from abuse. If you're someone who suffered from abuse, you have to be able to disconnect. You have to lie to yourself about the reality that you live in.

That's a literal survival tool. A consequence of that is sometimes we carry that into our adult life and then lying just becomes second nature because we had to to survive. It just doesn't make it okay. It's not a justification, but at least there's an explanation. But you don't even know if that's the case. You're only guessing. But the fact is, is that he is a good liar and that is a default for him. When he's doing something, he knows he shouldn't be doing one, he doesn't stop doing it. Two, when confronted, his default is to lie, not to come clean.

And that's still the case. And that hasn't changed. And a relationship with him right now is you having to make sure you can't, you watch him, give him curfews, go through his phone, and still constantly live in doubt. And by the way, the fact that he, the, you know, it's like the one thing he admitted to you is that he kissed a girl on New Year's. I find that hard to believe. A guy who like slept with other women, multiple women, and had like, you know, was on the, you know, doing all the crazy shit he was doing. Like for you to actually believe it was everything, he would have to admit to it something that he did not want to admit to.

Something that would have been very hard for you to accept. Something that would be like devastating for you to hear. And he would have had to come clean about that for you to I think feel really confident that he actually is coming clean. Him saying he kissed someone, which actually compare like, and that's after you found out

about all this other crazy shit. So him kissing someone on New Year's Eve, you're probably like, I don't even care. Honestly, who gives a fuck? And he kind of knew that, right? And so him admitting to this other small thing was like, I'm going to offer her this. I'm going to admit to this. So then she'll feel like I'm admitting to something she didn't call to so I don't have to tell her the other shit, you know? Yeah, telling half truth so that it sounds believable. I'm just not seeing a path forward, unfortunately. And I want to for you, because obviously,

I know you care about him. And I'm sure he's not a terrible person. And maybe he's just not giving you any reasons. And the fact that he's this comfortable four months after the fact, having not done some of the little things you've asked him to do, and he's so comfortable asking you to acknowledge like his efforts and what he's doing.

And, you know, like that is not someone who really fully, I think appreciates the hurt he's caused you. And I don't think this is someone who's fully wants to change, you know? I think he just wants you to stop doubting him and stop asking him questions. And I don't think he wants you to leave him alone. Yeah, I think that the asking for acknowledgement,

it does come from somewhere as well. Like I know his dad just never gave him positive reinforcement. Like that's something that we discussed really early on in our relationship, is that he always felt like anytime he did something right, it would never be acknowledged and there was never positive reinforcement.

So I think it does come from that, but yeah, in our situation, it's like this is something. And I empathize with him and it probably is a reason why, I mean, his relationship with his dad probably is a huge reason as to why he's doing what he's doing and done what he's done. But he doesn't seem to really wanna do anything about it. It's not bothering him so much so that he really, like, this is fucking up his life. The thing is it hasn't really fucked up his life. And unfortunately, it seems like he needs

to have his wife actually get fucked up, not the fear of getting it fucked up. Because for some people, the fear of it being fucked up and flying too close to the sun, being caught out and being like, holy shit, my world, I just got caught. And this is all happening. You know, like when Siri killed, you know, they always tell you like people sometimes want to get caught because they just want to like, they're just tired of lying and it's just building up on the, sometimes that can be a relief or whatever. But then there's like, holy shit, now my life's about to crumble. Sometimes it's enough for people, but it doesn't seem to be enough for him. Yeah. Because he's not doing the things. And now he's resorting back to his old trauma,

which is like needing that validation and saying, well, I need you to validate me. I need you to acknowledge what I'm doing. And I don't doubt that what he's doing probably to him feels like a lot. You know, he probably in some ways is stepping up, but there's so many other things he's not doing to, you know, and you can't go through this relationship

like living in fear and second guessing yourself. And the trust is still broken. There's nothing that's happening to build this trust back. Yeah, I know that right now it may be different but I don't want to be in a relationship where I continue to feel the need to ask him a second time to get the full truth and have to look for through his phone for verification. Like I don't wanna feel like I need to do that and I don't want to do that. Well, I to look through his phone for verification.

Like I don't wanna feel like I need to do that. And I don't want to do that. Well, I'm sorry you're going through this. So what are we gonna do? I don't know. I think I'm definitely leaning towards one way. We have another big conversation tonight. What's the topic of that conversation?

I mentioned before that he lied about his past with his female friend, nothing huge. He, they kissed like six years ago. So he was like, it just didn't come to mind. I felt pressured and I forgot about that. And then the second time that I asked him, it came up. So I don't, I don't know how truthful that is, but I've also heard from his best friend's girlfriend

that this girl isn't to be trusted, that she gets between relationships. And now this girl is- So who's this girl again? Like someone who's these actively friends with? Yeah, he's been friends with her for like 10 years. And so now she's having a party this weekend and her and another guy are the only people that he knows that are gonna be there. It's a big party.

And I just told him, I'm not comfortable with you going. I like, I'm gonna give this girl the benefit of the doubt, but until I meet her, I'm not comfortable with this. There was a bunch of other reasons as well, but he basically just said, well, I'm going. And he wanted me to come up with ways to make me feel more comfortable. He's like, you're not giving me any suggestions

of to make you feel more comfortable about this. And I said, I've been doing that this entire summer. I've been letting you free, we'll do whatever you want as you should. Like, I don't want a relationship where I feel like I can't tell him to do something. But this one thing, I'm just where we are right now, I'm just not comfortable with it.

And he just didn't seem to care or feel like that was important because he said, okay, well, I'm still going. I mean, also like, why, why, why would you even waste your breath? The last time you try that, you gave him a curfew, you asked him not to drink. He didn't do any of those things. So like, he is not willing to do what he needs to do to make you feel secure and comfortable and safe. He's not doing that and he's asking you to continue to compromise that and make exceptions for him and meet his needs. That's him saying, hey well how could I

make you feel comfortable? It's not him asking you how can I meet your needs. It's I don't want to do the thing that I know will make you feel comfortable. I'm still going to do it but I guess I'm willing to hear you out and things I can do to make you feel comfortable but that's so that he can still go. So he is asking you to accommodate his needs not the other way around. I mean like this, I'm just not seeing it. I'm just I'm not seeing a path forward. There's just so many red flags you know and can people get through infidelity? Yes, people do all the time.

And sometimes you can be better for it, but it takes a shit ton of work for both people. And you're having the same arguments and the same conversations, and he's really not doing the work. And he really needs to have dove in head first into whatever work he needs to do and stay committed to it. And you need to feel like he really wants to have dove in head first into whatever work he needs to do and stay committed to it.

And really, and you need to feel like he really wants to make a change because he doesn't like who he's become. And you need to really see it and believe it. And you need to see the progress. And you need to see the excitement from the progress he's made. Well, he does that, but it doesn't seem like he wants to. Exactly.

You're going to have to make a tough choice. And I think the problem that you're facing right now is you're looking for yours like, give me an answer. Like I need to know for sure whether I'm making the right decision, you know, and you've gotten so used to making excuses for his behavior and you've been so used to accepting some of the crumbs that he's offered you is something that's better than nothing. He's so very used to in these big conversations that you guys set up. It's like he knows how to wear you down and make you not 100% sure that you should break up with him.

And you're unfortunately, if you do end this relationship, it's not going to feel easy. It probably won't even feel right. And he'll cry and he'll say he's sorry. And you'll think, oh, how could I break up with someone who seems this sad over me breaking up with them or whatever? I can't predict what he'll, but who knows how he'll act, right? You will feel like the bad guy, which will suck too, by the way, it's gonna be difficult. But if you're asking me for the hard truth, I feel like he's giving you nothing to deserve the efforts and the sacrifice that you've been willing to make

to say this relationship, let alone the fact that this is a long distance relationship that seemingly would require you to move, which I hope isn't even on the table for you. And if you don't move, just from a practicality standpoint, how does the relationship move forward? And then on an emotional standpoint, he's just, he's not doing anything. He's not doing those things. You're incredibly young. You have a lot going for you. You're an attractive person. I'm sure it'd be scary and all the things about being single and things like that, but you're incredibly young, you know, you have a lot going for you, you're an attractive person, I'm sure it'd be scary and all the things about being single and things like that, but like, you're just, I think you're just wasting a lot of time on this guy.

Yeah, I think that's what I'm worried about too, is wasting my time and energy for someone who wouldn't do the same thing for me. It sucks, I'm sorry, but at least you found out now. That's true. At least you tried, you know what I'm saying? And if you do decide to end this relationship, don't waste your energy to, oh, I shouldn't have wasted these four months. You invested these four months in yourself in figuring out is there anything worth saving here? And it took maybe four months for you to figure that out. But if you figured it out, now you can move forward knowing that you tried.

You really tried. You tried past, you know, finding out he cheated on you, you gave him every opportunity, and then some, you know, you called into a show, you know, blah, blah. You tried, you certainly tried. The effort is clearly there. And now you can move forward knowing that, like, you did clearly everything you can.

You did everything you could to make this relationship work. You can keep your head held high and knowing that you did clearly everything you can. You did everything you could to make this relationship work. You can keep your head held high and knowing that you tried. And knowing that this is just not your guy. And it might be sad to lose what you have with him. Sounds like there's a lot of good. You had some happy times. But right now, this man has caused you way more emotional pain than you deserve.

It's not getting any better anytime soon and how can you keep going? Yeah, I think that's a huge battle that I've been dealing with too is that, well I just need to move there and see and then then I'll see that I've made every effort that I can. No, it doesn't work that way. What's the chance that you just end it tonight? It's very possible. Well, I encourage you. Thank you. I hope for you that you decide. And again, I really wanted to go into this thinking there may be a path forward, you know?

Cause I know that's what you wanted. But you weren't an idiot. Don't judge yourself. That's a waste of time. You know, it's human nature. He's not, you know, probably not a bad guy. you know what I'm saying? It sounds like he's a flawed human being. Sounds like he had some childhood trauma as we all do, unfortunately unresolved. And how old is he? 27. 27. He's a 27 year old man. Unfortunately, despite whatever flaws his father

or mother or parent or whoever caused his trauma, it's now his responsibility to do something about it, especially if he can point it out. Especially if he is self-aware enough to say, listen, my dad never fucking acknowledged me, and it really bothers me. So now he's aware of it. And yeah, maybe it was his dad's fault, but now he's emotionally mature enough to recognize there's a problem and he needs to do something about it

or it will keep causing problems in his life. Yeah, he can't use that as blame for his behavior. And he still is, all right. Well, I appreciated that advice and I needed that encouragement. All right, yeah. You tried, you really tried. And I think you need to go into this conversation tonight

knowing that you did everything you possibly could to make this relationship, to save this relationship. And you've been way too accommodating. If I were you, I wouldn't even have the conversation. Just know that you hearing him out, again, I don't even think, and I don't think it's like Machiavellian of him. I don't think he goes in thinking, all right, I'm like, what do I need to say to convince her or manipulate her or whatever? I just think this is your natural cadence of your relationship. And I think that natural cadence is him being very good at buying himself more time and you feeling like maybe he'll change or the hope. And if I were you, I would decide what you want to do before this call. And when you get on the call, say, you know what the hope. And if I were you, I would decide what you want to do before this call.

And when you get on the call, say, you know what, I know we were going to talk about this, but I really, I think I've decided that I can't do this anymore. Yeah. I would try your best to not have it be a long conversation. Yeah. Why, why go through the torture? And you could say something like, listen, if you want to know why, it's everything I've already said to you. And we're just, if nothing else, we're not on the same page. And I'm obviously never, I'm not, there's zero chance I'm moving across the country given where our relationship

is at. And it's so damaged. I've asked you to, and again, like you saying, oh, I'll get into therapy tomorrow. It's too late. It's too late. And I still hope you do. I hope that you fix the shit that you need to work on because clearly there's things you need to work on but it can't be my problem anymore. I've made it my problem for a very long time and I just can't keep doing it and hoping things will change.

How's your support system? Really good, yeah. Is anyone available to come over tonight? Probably. All right, well, to come over tonight? Probably. All right, well, get off the phone with me, call up your friend, rally the troops, and say, I'm breaking up with Mike tonight, and I need you here.

Yeah. So they can help you hold you accountable to not stay on the phone, to actually follow through. Like I should have them there during the phone call? I think you should get off the phone with me right now and call up whoever you need to call up, mom, sister, friends, have a group, have a hang, pizza night, I don't know, whatever you wanna do.

And say I'm gonna break up with them tonight. And I need you here. And I need you to help me hold me accountable because I know this is the right thing I need to do and I'm afraid that if I get on the phone with him, he'll, you know, will do the same thing over and over And then obviously if you do get through it, you're gonna want your people there, you know immediately You're not gonna want to wait 45 minutes to get in the car and come over. You know what? I'm there

That's a good idea. Well, thank you so much. All right. Well, let us know if you're a if you follow through I'm really sorry this happened to you. It really sucks and I am I Commend you for doing everything you could. You tried. It sounds like you really tried to have a healthy approach to this. You did your best. Thank you. That's really good to hear. I think you should hold your head high. I will. And you're young. You have a lot going for you. I know you probably don't want to think

about dating other people right now, but hopefully sooner than later, that'll be exciting or something new or something different. And there are good people out there. There are good guys out there. Just gotta look in the right place. Yeah, all right, take care. Thank you, you too.

All right, bye-bye. This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Listen people, we talk about it all the time. Therapy is so important for your mental health and we get why it's sometimes a big challenge to jump into therapy, whether it's the cost, the convenience, or you're just generally nervous about jumping into therapy, or you just don't even know

where to start because you don't know who to ask. Well, that's where BetterHelp comes in. They make getting into therapy easy, convenient, and more affordable. It's more affordable than in-person therapy. It's super convenient. You can do it from the comfort of your home, your tablet, your car, it doesn't matter.

You can even do it voice to voice. If you don't even want your therapist to see your pretty face, no problem. So it doesn't matter what you're stressed about, whether it's money problems, family problems, just general anxiety. Maybe you just feel like you have a lot on your plate at work, well let the good people at BetterHelp

help you with your mental health. They work with new therapists every day. They're working with thousands of therapists across the country and every day they work with more. And I say that because it's always really important to find a therapist that you connect with, that you feel safe and comfortable with. Not every therapist is made equal, they're not all the same

and they're not all right for you. So let BetterHelp use their relationships with all their therapists to ensure that you have a therapist that's right for you. All you have to do is go to betterhelp.com. You can take a answer a few questions about the type of therapy you're looking for and they will assign a mental health professional to you. And the good news is is if you don't vibe with that therapist, no problem. You can switch their therapist as many times until you find someone that you feel comfortable with. If you've ever considered therapy, but just always thought maybe now is not the right time,

let BetterHelp be the reason why today is the day that you're finally going to prioritize your mental health. So get it off your chest with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash VIALL today to get temperature off your first month. chest with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash viall today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, h-e-l-p.com slash viall. Again, that's BetterHelp.com slash viall. There's a lot of decisions you have to make when you have a baby. And the one that I feel the most comfortable

and safe making is using huggies for our daughter, River. I always tell Nick that when River's crying, she's trying to tell us something. And that's the case with most babies. They express it through cries. And so we've turned to Huggies. The new Huggie Skin Essentials are here. A brand new dermatologist approved line of diapers, wipes, and pull ups training pants

that are all designed with baby sensitive skin in mind. Their wipes are so thick and pH balanced to help maintain healthy skin. Their wipes have zero harsh ingredients for a great gentle clean. The Skin Essential Diapers features the Skin Protect Liner, which is what helps take care of the ick and stick that can cause rash. They have this liner built in their diapers. The whole diaper helps protect against the top two causes of rash by managing moisture and running mess.

The liner gives you the barrier to help absorb moisture and lock away running mess from baby skin. Pull Up Skin Essentials has your big kid covered too with a training pant that is ultra soft and breathable to help protect sensitive skin through potty training. Learn more at Huggies.com. Once again, head to Huggies.com to learn more. How's it going? I'm good.

How are you? Good, what's your name? My name is Nicole, I'm 33, and the guy I'm dating shaves his face for his job and I'm not attracted to it. Okay. Yeah, this might be like a girl thing, but I might take it to the extreme. So backstory, I've been dating this guy for a month or so and we've gone on like maybe

eight dates. It's been pretty consistent like dates and then a few days and then he books me out for another date. Like he's super into it and I I was too, and I am too. So let's start with that. Our first date, he invited me to see country music live. It was really fun. We were dancing.

The chemistry was vibing, like a lot of spicy kisses. Like it was good. It was a great first date. Second date. He picked me up from my house. He brought flowers and a dog toy for my dog, which was super cute. And then we went to sushi.

Great date, good conversations. And then I feel like it started turning on my part on like the third, fourth date where I started nitpicking him. And initially like the face, the shaved face, I do like more scruff. So I kinda was asking like, Hey, have you ever like gotten a mustache?

Have you ever like gotten a beard? And he said he can't because he has to be clean cut. He's a homicide detective. So he can't do that for work. He can't have a mustache? I feel like all cops have mustaches. I know he said he could do a mustache, but like that was like the bare minimum.

Not even a goatee? What about a goatee? A goatee is kind of creepy, but I love a mustache. Like I'm like rooting for that. Now we're getting real picky here. I know. I know. Okay, so continuing with the story. So the mustache thing was like, just like a side. And then, so he has a dog too. I met his dog on like the fifth day and she was sweet. She's a German shepherd. So not my favorite kind of dog. I don't really like aggressive,

I mean, typical cop dog, right? So when our dogs met, they did not get along. My dog's very docile and she's like a big loop, like she's a Bernese Mountain dog and his dog like straight up almost attacked my dog. So it was a little scary and very aggressive and he kinda, they met outside on the leashes And he was like if you just keep walking like it's just temporary leash aggression in the beginning and I'm like, okay

So she did calm down and they like kind of settled but she barks a lot and so I was very overwhelmed I'm like, this is I'm already shutting down I'm like this is not gonna work your dog and my dog don't get along. Your dog's crazy. And it's just, it's not gonna work. So he like kind of felt me like I went mute and he kind of felt me like not talking. So he was like, talk to me.

Like, how are you feeling? Like, I also want to mention, I might rehome my dog. So he kind of- What's that mean? Give his dog away? Yeah. Yeah. Why? Because he sees how hard it is, um, to have the dog and to be working the hours that he's working.

And he stresses out about like her not having the best life and not having a yard. And yeah. So I like, obviously like a sense of relief came over me when he told me that, but I can't make that decision for him and I don't want to be pushing him to give away his dog because that feels really mean and kind of double standardy because I have a dog, but my dog's way better. Yeah, but I- So I'm like, ugh. Yeah, this isn't really about the dog.

I know. I know. See, I think I am sitting there picking at what I don't like because I'm trying to like find a good reason to not like him. But I do like him. Do you do this a lot? Yes. Yes. And like I'm really trying to not sabotage this one because he's the first guy that I've actually dated that let's be honest has a job. Like the last four guys haven't had jobs for some odd reason. Like 33 years old, you think they would have a job.

Why are you dating guys who don't had jobs for some odd reason, like 33 years old, you think they would have a job. Why are you dating guys who don't have jobs? I'm not meaning to, they kept falling into my lap, so. That's not true, yeah. Yeah. I mean, unless they lied to you. One kind of did, he said he had a business that he was like getting out of

and that he was liquefying and blah, blah, blah. Then how many more dates did you go on a date with him? A lot. I kind of, yeah, like we were together for like three months with that one. And the other ones told you pretty quickly and you still kept dating? I was dating one and he lost a job while I was dating him.

So then we ended up trying to make it work. And then ultimately he was too stressed out about not having a job. So we broke up with me. Sure. But then the other one you just dated, I'm getting the vibe that you are dating unavailable men. Yes. For whatever reason.

Yes, and this is the first one that's available, wants to get married, wants to have kids, has all these things, wants to buy a house, has like a 401K, has a retirement plan, like has all the adult boxes checked off. Except they have like the one job, well not the one job, a job that makes any, like I think homicide cops have terrible track records

when it comes to successful marriages. Do they? I'm guessing, I don't know the stats. Justin, you look it up. Nellie and I were watching a documentary that talked about like the suicide rates are pretty high. I mean, they deal with death all the time. Their hours are insane.

You know, like it's a very difficult job. You know, it could be very rewarding too, you know, but you know, the most successful detectives are very married to the job and type of thing. At least that's the stereotypes. I don't know. You finding anything, Justin? No stats.

No stats. So yeah, I don't know. Are you finding anything, Justin? No stats. No stats. So, yeah, I don't know. Maybe. Yeah. But why are you a sabotager, a saboteur of your own relationships? Like, why are you prone to dating men that you know deep down are not eligible? I don't know.

And that's the- What? I mean- Are you in therapy? Yes, yes. And I actually, I was trying to get into my therapist tomorrow and she didn't have an availability. So this is perfect that I'm talking to you. You're my therapist today. I'm not a therapist.

I know, I know, I know. But no, I am in therapy. I do have daddy issues obviously. What have you worked on with your therapist when it comes to your dating life? I mean, I've talked to you for like four minutes and it's pretty obvious that you have, I don't know what the attachment style is or whatever, but you clearly have some things

going on when it comes to sabotaging relationships. Well, I have anxious attachment for sure. And it's interesting with this guy is he's showing up and he's not making me anxious. He's almost being too available and I'm some, for some reason running and I don't know why I'm running. Did you have a dad who like abandoned you a lot? Not there? I had an alcoholic and addictive dad, yeah.

All right. So, hard to rely on type of thing? Yes, yes. And that has been the track record for the last like two years. It's like I get in hot and heavy fast with guys in it for three months and then they just like run away. There's something that happens and they're like, oh, no, can't be in a relationship. I'm out. Yeah. But you kind of know, you know,

it's going to happen. Not really. I know it's blindsided a lot, but I don't feel like this one's going to blindside me. But for some reason I'm like nitpicking his looks and I don't know why I'm so stuck. Yeah. Maybe this is progress that you're dating someone at least presents as someone who's Yeah, maybe this is progress that you're dating someone at least presents as someone who's ready for or has a desire for commitment. Yeah, and he definitely does. Like he wants me, he wanted to be exclusive with me after the second date and I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Like, no. That might be a red flag. I know. He also just got, he was engaged last year and they just, he just broke it off with her in January. So yeah, it's different appearance. But honestly, the more I'm learning about this guy, the more unavailable he actually sounds to you.

Yes, I mean I would agree. The guy who goes on a first date and says I'm not looking for a relationship is no different than the guy you go on a first date and says, I'm not looking for a relationship is no different than the guy you go on a first date with who just got out of a serious one, who falls madly in love with you on the first date. They're both just as unavailable emotionally to you. But it feels like he likes me more than I like him though.

He feels like he is. I don't doubt, no, no, no, I don't doubt that. And again, I don't really know much about him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm obviously making a handful of assumptions here, but getting out of an engagement is pretty intense. It's not like it's been last week, but asking you to be exclusive... How old is he? He's 32. Okay, he's not even that old, right? So asking you to be exclusive on the second date. He was more so like saying like, I don't date multiple people, I'm not dating anyone else. Like, I don't know like where you're at,

but like, I don't do that. And it's funny because I'm usually the anxious one asking if they're dating anyone else. I'm usually like, I'm him always in the situation. I'm always asking like, hey, are you, we are just you and me focusing on you and me? And he like kind of set it for me. What have you worked on with your therapist

as it relates to your anxious attachment or you being kind of a saboteur of your relationships or understanding your daddy issues as you call them. Right. Like what have you worked, what tools have you developed with the therapist to recognize this behavior or change your approach to the men that you're dating?

How often do you see your therapist? I was seeing her once a week and now it's like winging off to like every two weeks, once a month, because I feel like I have nothing to bring up when I talk to her, but obviously not a good way to go into therapy. That's totally normal and fair. Yeah.

I don't know, I do that too with my therapist. Yeah. But I guess you sound like, again, never met you, but coming to me, you sound like you still currently very much struggle with your picker, is that what you call it. Yeah. And who you choose to date.

You seem like you are currently very much struggling with someone who's prone to sabotage relationships or enter in relationships that are doomed from the start because of a deep rooted fear of being hurt long term, I'm guessing. Yeah. But I'm also like, I put up such big walls because of that. So I sit there and analyze, is this a red flag? Should I walk away now? Is there something wrong with them? Is that is that, you know, like, I just like,

I'll question everything. So that's why I'm like, okay, if there's no chemistry, should I walk away? When you go on dates, knowing that you struggle with this, like, do you, do you download or debrief with your therapist? Sometimes. The emotions that you're feeling? Yeah. And like, I'm, I'm like, your therapist? Um, sometimes. The emotions that you're feeling? Yeah.

And like, I'm, I'm like- Cause what I'm hearing from you is you're having a hard time trusting your instincts. You have a hard time- Yeah. Well, my gut's always wrong. Processing the- That's what I said. Sure.

Or yeah. Or you have a hard time processing the emotions you're feeling post date, you know, or your probably ego gets in the way or your insecurities come up or your trauma reveals itself. And so summoning your position, you know, if you had a therapist you felt good about and trusted, it would, I don't know, I think it'd make a lot of sense to, you know, you don't wanna have a therapist who like tells you who you shouldn't date,

but I would love you to work through the emotions that you feel post-date. Because I think you do have a hard time of processing those emotions and being honest with yourself about what those emotions are telling you. And it sounds like you could benefit from having some guidance in those vulnerable moments. And to me, you sound like someone who's very vulnerable

when you get to know a guy and the feelings that you're feeling post date and questioning whether this is someone you should or shouldn't explore, you have you lack a lot of clarity and you would probably benefit from someone who who could help you through that. And because you're still, for whatever reason, not not there yet. and that's okay. Maybe you need a new therapist, I don't know. Because again, I relate to the feeling of being like,

every time I feel like I go into therapy, I'm always like, what the fuck am I gonna talk about? And then I get out of therapy, I'm like, why didn't I talk about that? Yeah, yeah. Things just come up. You go through good days and bad days or good moments and bad moments,

but you have this clear issue that you are aware of. And yeah, it sounds like you've talked about in therapy and you know you, like knowing you're an avoidant attachment does nothing for you, except that you get to like relate to people when it comes up, you know? And they're like, what attachment style are you?

It's a start, but you know, like what do you do with that information? What are you doing about knowing that you're in an avoidant attachment? And I don't know anything about attachment styles and I can't offer any advice of what you should do, but you should be, you should have learned some tools already about like what it,

understanding what it means to be in avoidant attachment. I'm anxious attached and that's interesting. Sorry, see how much I don't know. I know it's fine, but I might be avoidant in this relationship because he's being the anxiously attached one. I might be presenting and coming forward as avoidant. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.

I don't know if it works that way. What you don't know, what I think is important that you do know, is understanding what it means to have the attachment style that you have. And understanding the common reaction someone with your attachment style might feel and in high-pressure situations and for you high-pressure situations are often I'm guessing dating situations. I would want for you to learn the tools to recognize when you feel triggered and your attachment style rears its ugly head, so to speak.

And I'd love for you to be able to identify, slow down, to get better instincts. Because right now, as you say, your instincts aren't great, or at least you don't have confidence in those instincts. And so whether it's through the help of a therapist, or ideally long-term, it's not sustainable to need a therapist to download every day. That's kind of nuts.

But early on, but I would love for you to have a therapist work with you on teaching you the tools to identify when you get triggered so that you can better entrust your instincts and identify the men that give a lot of the red flags that say, I'm unavailable. Again, he might be the greatest guy,

but a guy who just got out of a relationship who wants to move fast is a potential red flag. Doesn't mean he's unavoidable, but you definitely wanna ask some more questions. You should wanna know what he has done to heal from that relationship, if at all. How it affected him, how it hurt him, why it ended. And he should be comfortable talking about it

with someone he's interested in dating. If a guy- I mean he does, he is very open with me about all of that. I don't think he has a problem with communicating at all. He more so overly communicates. He tells me he doesn't have a filter. So he tells me like anything and everything.

I'm just trying to get over like the looks about him because I don't stare at him and like wanna jump his bones. So tell him to grow a mustache. I don't know. Tell him every day. I mean, I've told him every other date now. I feel like I'm like being mean at this point. Well, if he likes you that much,

she's your girl mustache, you know? I don't know. Like, listen, I think I look better with a beard too. I know how Nally feels. Nally doesn't like a clean shaved look. And since, you know, I'm married to the girl, I would rather just do the thing that's pretty, and I, you know, I like myself better with a beard too,

but you know, every once in a while, I'd probably shave just to fuck around and find out if I didn't have a girlfriend. Actually, that's not right. I mean, I was single for a long time and always had a beard. But but the point is, is like, it's not that hard for him to grow a mustache. And if a guy who's claiming he really wants to date you, like that seems like a really easy thing to do.

So why is he doing it? Why isn't he doing it? Yeah. And then also the dog. I mean, the dog's a major factor. It's like I can't I'm like majorly. I don't think so. I mean, the dog's a major factor. It's like, I can't, I'm like majorly not. I don't think so. I mean, like dogs, we have two dogs, they live together, they love each other. And once a day they for six seconds act like they're going to rip each other's throats out. I don't know. They're fucking dogs. Dogs do shit like that. I don't know. And the more you bring them around each other, the more they will get comfortable with each other

and they'll be fine. You are, You are deciding to make it a thing. Yeah, I'm making everything a thing. Cause then it's like, I'm walking behind him in a grocery store and I'm like, why are you walking like that? Like I'm literally just nitpicking the poor guy. Yeah, because you, I don't know, there's something going on inside of you

that's afraid of really investing into a relationship because you probably have some sort of abandonment issues. I don't know. Yeah. Again, just a guest, not a therapist. Yeah. I'm not diagnosing you. I'm just guessing. But things to maybe like ask your therapist about, or maybe, how long have you been working with this therapist? Only a couple months now. She's a newer one. So.

She's new, like young? Yeah. No, no, no. She's like new to me. Unsolicited advice here, but I would go to your therapist and say, I would really like to keep exploring my past trauma, my data issues, and I really, again, I feel like I'm always sabotaging relationships, I'm entering relationships with guys who clearly don't have qualities that I want in a long-term partner.

I wanna get better at identifying that, and I wanna work through that because right now, I'm dating this guy who I like a lot about. He seems to be the most qualified guy I've dated in a long time, which is a prominent itself. And the fact that I am nitpicking everything about him, it's just like clear, it seems like I'm avoiding trying to get into a healthy relationship.

And again, probably some fear of abandonment. And I'd love to try to continue to explore that. You really need to tackle this. I don't feel, have you really explored your daddy issues and how it's affected you and things like that? I mean, yes and no. I can't pinpoint everything, but I feel like- I don't know if it's about pinpointing it.

It's just about maybe understanding it and accepting it. And not like... Because right now having daddy issues is just become an excuse for you. No, 100%. Every time it doesn't go your way, you're just like, well, I have daddy issues. Yeah.

Sure, it's good to know, but I... I don't like to use daddy issues. Honestly, it's just like, I just had shit luck with guys and the crazy wildest stories. You can imagine of why they break up with me. It's like, I get fed them. So it's, and it's been like, last 10 guys. Yeah, but that's the thing,

you gotta stop that narrative. You don't have bad luck and you are not being fed terrible men. You are choosing to entertain them. You are allowing these guys who are showing you who they are early on, and you're choosing to ignore that. And that's the stuff, if I were you, I'd want to explore with my therapist.

Why, when men I date who present and show me who they are, or they present all these red flags, why am I so willing to ignore them? We did like a bare minimum like checklist, like, because I'm on the dating apps. So it's, I would ask like, and I did it with this guy and it sounded silly and I referenced, I'm like, look, I have to ask you three important questions

and it's gonna be really strange, but do you have a job? Do you have a car? And like, do you live in like my area? And he like kind of laughed and he's like, oh my God, you poor thing. Like, yes, I have all three. And then he like went into detail, but like that was like what I was getting.

I was like getting men that like didn't have a job, didn't have a car and like was traveling through. Like, so it's like, I have tried to filter out that. didn't have a job, didn't have a car, and like was traveling through. So it's like I have tried to filter out that. Like bare minimum, I've tried to filter those out. I hear you, but I'm hearing this is like, it's deeper than that, right? Because you're also like not an idiot,

you know what I'm saying? And you're not all that fucked up, right? You're not totally like incapable of having human connection. You're not incapable of having a boyfriend. You're not incapable of finding love. You, like many people before you, have some daddy issues and some past trauma from childhood with your parents

and it's still affecting you, is my point, right? And it affects you in ways that you probably don't realize and it affects your subconscious brain more than your conscious brain. And you haven't really done the work or built the tools to identify it on your own. And again, this guy, he might, again, I don't know him. He might, he could be just as unavailable emotional to you,

but just presenting in a different way. But your subconscious could be picking up on it and you need to get a better, do a better job of understanding your subconscious could be picking up on it. And you need to get a better, do a better job of understanding your subconscious or why you make some of the choices you have or the emotions you feel and the triggers that happen and processing those emotions. Or at least find someone that you feel confident enough

to share this with, you know, and open up to who can give you an unbiased opinion because they're not emotionally committed to the outcome like you are in these dating situations. Right, yeah. But as far as the facial hair, I mean, I will say, you could probably, if he likes you that much and he really wants to commit to getting to know you,

you could grow a mustache. Yeah, I mean, it's just so hard because it's like, I mean. But you'll find someone else to hate. I know. I know he knows that I'm not that sexually attracted to him and I feel bad, but it's like, I don't know. I'm not there yet, I guess. And like, I'm waiting for like the kind of thing-

In general or just the month because of the facial here? I don't know. Like, we spent like five hours hanging out, like on the couch, like cuddling, but we never kissed and I was like totally fine with like not. So I don't know if that's like- That's fine. A red flag, like't know if that's like that's fine a Red flag like or should we be like making out the whole time like I think that's the least of your red flags You are a willingness to go slow on a date

You know like and again you wanted to jump a guy's bones hasn't proved successful to you in the past either Yeah, that's what my sister tells me too to you in the past either. Yeah, that's what my sister tells me too. But I don't know if this is your guy, but again, like this guy isn't your problem. You are your problem. But I want him to be my guy, cause he's like an adult.

I want family, I want these things. You don't wanna want him. I'm glad that you're open for him to be your guy. Stop deciding what you want the outcome to be. Just be open to pursuing it. Know that he is giving you things you haven't received before that are green flags. He's got a job, he seems emotional and mature,

he's a good communicator, he seems like he's honest with you. Green flags. You still don't know a lot about him. So, you know. Yeah, that's a good point. So be open to getting to know him more. Yeah. You really need to work on,

you need to either with your current therapist or find a new one. Okay. Someone who, but I just, I would have loved for your therapist to pick up on some of this stuff. Or maybe they have, and maybe you just get at ignoring them.

I don't know. A lot of people are. No, she's kind of surface level. Or maybe they have, and maybe you're just good at ignoring them, I don't know. A lot of people are. No, no, she's kind of surface level. She's not really diving deep at the kind of just very surface level questions of what's happening this week in your life, and then I tell her, and then I don't know. Maybe I do need a new one. Yeah, if I were you, I would want to get a better

understanding of why you make some of the choices that you make, and why you're really good at ignoring red flags, you know, and better understand your attachment style and what it means to have that attachment style so that you can identify your own behaviors and then like learn the tools to do that or get comfortable with communicating with someone like your therapist when that does happen. Right. And then I think for the time being, in the short run, I think it would benefit you to download your dates with your therapist, a therapist who, you know,

isn't just wanting to hear your dating stories, but someone who's really good at, you know, getting you to notice, you know, ask follow-up, you know, cause you might be like, well, he asked me this and he did this and I'm guessing, you know, like right now I'm like, well, why did you, you know, ask follow up, you know, cause you might be like, well, he asked me this and he did this and I'm guessing, you know, like right now I'm like, well, why did you, you know, you can, you might, you might tell me about a date and I'd be willing to guess that I would ask some questions

that you maybe didn't ask. Or I would say that's a red flag that you didn't pay attention to, you know, and you could ask me why and I would tell you why and yada, yada, yada. Yeah, I mean, you're already doing it. You're already giving me like so much more to like think about cause I like

haven't, I've been sitting there like just focusing on his looks and like in my head where I'm just like not asking any personal questions. It's like, I need to like ask the personal questions of like even in his like past relationship and like diving in deeper of that more. I mean, yeah, I would like to know like even more in depth of all that. Yeah. Well, it's like when a guy doesn't like you, you worry about him liking you. When you feel like a guy likes you, you use all your energy goes into, how do I

feel about him? A hundred percent. Which is an issue. What you need is you need a guy to show an interest in you, a healthy amount of interest and have that be a green flag for you. Right. And then knowing that he is interested in you, that is the green flag for you to get to know him more and be open to whatever outcome happens.

But right now, you're not interested in getting to know someone, you're just either interested in finding out if they like you or if they don't like you. And then depending on what that answer is, that will determine whether you like them or don't like them. And it's always the opposite of what you should be doing. And you are just responding to these triggers,

these subconscious triggers in your brain that are happening. And most of your response are just like, it's like fight or flight. It's just like a... Yeah. That's always how I live my life. So that makes sense why I'm doing it.

Yeah, but like, now that you know the problem, like do something about the problem. Because just saying you have daddy issues or just saying you have an attachment disorder, it's just like, it's a conversation piece. Right. But you need to go several steps further in figuring out how to not have daddy issues.

So that you can say, I used to have daddy issues, but I've worked through them. And I'll always to not have daddy issues. So that you can say, you know, I used to have daddy issues, but I've worked through them. And I'll always deal with these daddy's issues, but I've learned a lot of tools so that I don't make some of these destructive choices I was prone to make in the past. Because it's safe to say that you're still making a lot of the same choices that you did when you were 22. So that's, you know, you haven't, it's a good start to identify the problem, but it is just the start. Yeah. And just talking about your week is a waste of your money

when it comes to therapy, especially knowing that you have some, some stuff to work through. Yeah. And you might have to work through that your whole life, and that is okay, but at least find someone who's willing to work through it with you.

Yeah. Rather than like gossip about your week. I know. That's a good point. Okay. Okay, well I'm gonna research a therapist after this. Is this helpful? I mean, you know, and we're giving your therapist a shot.

I don't know, how old is your therapist? I think she's in her 50s, but she told me she's recently dating too. So I can relate to her, but I felt that was kind of weird to say. She like brought up that she was like going on a first date too that night. And that if I'm comfortable, I can ask her about it.

I'm like, oh, now I'm asking you about your dates. This seems fun. If you're comfortable, she wants you to ask her. Yeah, I don't know. I'm not qualified to tell you whether you have a bad therapist or not, but I don't know. Yeah, maybe my picker is off. I don't think any of the therapists that's married and you definitely can have

a therapist that's dating and it's also fine that your therapist mentions that, but this is your time, not theirs. Again, my therapist, I don't think Darlene has ever started, like she's just kind of sits there and waits for me to talk. Yeah, I definitely think maybe I need a new one. The good news is you know the issues that you have to work through. Yeah. And that's great, because some people don't. Now you just have to find someone who you feel comfortable enough that is going to, you know, work going to work, give you the tools to do that. You might have to work on it forever. But I don't want to keep turning away guys just because, I don't want to keep turning around away

nice guys just because of my issues. Yeah. Yeah. And you will if you don't fix them. Yes. And my greatest fear is not getting married and having kids. So, and if I want to do that in the next couple years, it's like I, this is needs to be my main focus right now is like how to break this pattern. Deal with your shit, yeah. Yeah, exactly. And you can, and you will. You just have to be committed to it. Yeah. And maybe just open up to this guy about like, hey, this is, I'm just gonna be honest, I really, this is something I struggle with, you you know and I need to work through it

And if yeah, you know it means to me It sounds like you're honestly not in a position to be in a committed relationship right now And I'm not saying you need to break up with this guy, but you know you you have some work to do for sure That's like I thought about like taking breaks, but it's like then I feel the pressure if I take a break then it's like Prolonging me getting married and having kids and finding my husband the longer I take breaks from dating. Well, I mean, that's just a matter of perspective. You could get married tomorrow. You could decide to be reckless and say, fuck it.

And honestly, if you don't deal with your issues, that's eventually probably what you'll do. You'll panic about where you are in life. You'll decide that you like need to be married and have kids. You'll marry the wrong guy, get knocked up by him, get married, and then be 40 and divorced. So you can either deal with this shit now, and honestly, you find the right person or commit,

maybe it's your therapist. I don't wanna be telling people to fire therapists all the time. You should know, again, if you know the problem, check in with yourself. You can probably make some real progress pretty fast. And again, you you know the problem, check in with yourself. You can probably make some real progress pretty fast. And again, you're not going to be a finished product, but you can make some significant

progress pretty quickly. Or you can at least, again, having that therapist that you can download your dates with. And not to gossip, but it's more like processing your emotions. You need to think about how you felt on these dates after the dates, not in real time. Think about some of the things they said to you and then play it back with your therapist and so that you can figure out together

what are green and red flags? What are questions you should be asking? Emotions that you're feeling. So then you can identify, is this an emotion that's coming from your subconscious that's more of an attachment issue that's making you push something good away? Yeah.

Or are you allowing something bad into your life and not like reading the signals because you just want something and you're familiar with this toxic feeling that you became familiar with as a child because of your father and yada yada. Yeah, I definitely think it's that. I think that drives it.

Like the stress of just like finding the person is like really in the timeline of everything just, yeah. Yeah, for sure. All right, well keep us posted. Thank you. Yeah, we'd love some updates. Listen, the good news is you're aware of it. Yeah.

You got a lot of potential. All of your hopes and dreams that you want for yourself are very much still in play. Okay, that's helpful to hear. All right. Okay, thanks. Honestly, dating a homicide cop is kinda hot. Yeah, that's what I'm leaning into.

Like everyone's leaning into. Everyone's like really encouraging me to date him because of his job. Well, there are, I think some risks with it too. So the fact that he is so invested in you knowing that you have the issues that you have is definitely a bit of a red flag for him. Like why is he attracted to this type of behavior?

I'm curious about his ex-wife, you know, or his ex-fiance. Yeah. Wouldn't shock me if she shares in some of the behaviors that you share. Probably. I think he definitely dated a avoidant, attached people. Oh, he's a cop, so he probably has that fixer mentality.

So there's that. Definitely. All right, well, the good news is you're not alone. We're all a little fucked up. So you just have to decide whether you want to do something about it, okay? Okay, sounds good. Thank you so much.

I appreciate you taking the time. Thank you. All right, take care. Okay, bye. All right, bye bye. Helix Sleep, we love it. We don't ever shut up about it and we never will. And we are currently in New York right now recording and I'll tell you what we don't

have is a helix mattress. And it's really- And I'll tell you what we do need, a helix mattress. I'll tell you what Nellie did last night, complained about not having a helix mattress. So wherever you are, if you're in New York, you can go to the helix sleep. And I'll tell you what we don't have is a helix mattress. And it's really- And I'll tell you what we do need, a helix mattress.

And I'll tell you what we do need, a helix mattress. And I'll tell you what we do need, a helix mattress. And I'll tell you what we do need, a helix mattress. And I'll tell you what we do need, a helix mattress. And I'll tell you what we do need, a helix mattress. And I'll tell you what we do need, a helix mattress. And I'll tell you what we do need, a helix mattress. And I'll tell you what we do need, a helix mattress. And it's really... And I'll tell you what we do need, a Helix mattress. I'll tell you what Nellie did last night, complained about not having a Helix mattress. So wherever you are, if you're shopping for a mattress, look no further than Helix Sleep. They have the most comfortable mattresses. Nellie and I have been sleeping on the Moonlight mattress for four years now. The Helix Plus is a mattress designed for big and tall sleepers and the Helix Kids Mattress are designed for growing bodies and they're endorsed by child sleep experts.

If you don't want to take our word for it, you can take a 100-night trial and a 10-15 year warranty to try out your Helix mattress for yourself. Seriously, just trust us. Get a Helix mattress. It should be more expensive than they are. For a mattress this comfortable, you should be paying way more than Helix charges you. It's such a bargain. So wherever you are, whoever you are, and whatever you are sleeping on, if it's not a Helix mattress, you need to go to helixsleep.com today to upgrade your mattress. Hey, the good news is, is Helix is offering up to 25% off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners. It's crazy because honestly, even if they weren't offering 25%, it would still be a great deal, but they are.

So it's even better. Go to helixsleep.com slash V-I-A-L-L today. That's helixsleep.com slash V-I-A-L-L. With Helix, better sleep starts now. Symbiotica is a supplement brand that we love. We started taking Symbiotica because with really busy days, we started feeling like we were having less energy and not getting the best sleep.

Add in having a baby, you know, it's just, it's getting a little hectic, it's getting a little busy sometimes. But thankfully, we have Symbiotica and since taking their products, we've noticed more energy to get us through the long days and having deeper sleep. Unlike other supplements that can taste chalky, Symbiotica features supplements that taste delicious. From their citrus vanilla taste of their vitamin C to their vanilla cream flavor of magnesium altherinate, you can get great taste across all Symbiotica's offerings.

What we love about Symbiotica is that they truly have so many different options and offerings for all your supplement needs. Their formulas don't have any seed oils, preservatives, toxins, artificial additives, or supposed natural flavors. They are formulated with the highest quality ingredients out there. Symbiotica is transparent about how and where they source ingredients to ensure you get the best products possible because not all supplements are created equal. Take care of yourself today and get the vitamins

and supplements that you need with Symbiotica. Feel more energized, alert, and balanced with high quality supplements that work. Head over tombiotica. Feel more energized, alert, and balanced with high quality supplements that work. Head over to symbiotica.com slash viall for 20% off plus free shipping. Again, that's symbiotica.com slash viall. C-Y-M-B-I-O-T-I-K-A.com slash viall for 20% off plus free shipping on your subscription order. How's it going? Hi Nick. I'm good, how are you? Good, what's your name? My name is Alyssa and I'm 25 years old. How can I help Alyssa?

The guy I just started dating wants to be no contact and I want more. The guy you just started dating wants to be no contact. So, are you still dating? What does no contact mean with people who are dating? So he just doesn't really text me and in my past dating experiences, there's been a lot more communication over text than what I'm getting in this situation. And I met him like two months ago at a bar. He's been pretty busy because it's summer in New York and a lot of people are traveling on the

weekend and he's busy with work during the week. So I've actually only seen him twice since like June, early June. And he's really good about being proactive and like planning dates, but I just don't really hear from him in between. And I just feel like that's weird compared to other experiences I've had. All right. so how long you been dating this guy? Two months, you said. A little over two months. And what does dating mean to you when you say dating? Like, yeah, like walk me through what's been happening.

You met him at a bar, you've been hanging out how regularly? Yeah, we've only gone on two dates. You've been hanging out for two months, you've gone on two dates. Right, cause he's been away, I've been away. Anytime he's around at the same time as me, he'll reach out and like I said, he's good about like planning and on the dates, he's very like interested and present and I think we both seem to get along with each other.

How much time between the first and the second date? Well, you met him at a bar, and then how much time between the time you the second date? Well, you met him at a bar, and then how much time between the time you met him and you had your first date? There was about two weeks between when we met and when we had our first date. So I kind of appreciated that he remembered meeting me, and even though two weeks went by,

he was still interested in planning that date. And then between that date and the second date, there was about a month because we were both away. And again, like even though we weren't really talking in between like the second he was back at the same time I was, he reached out and took the initiative on like planning a date. Okay, that's nice.

What'd you guys do in the dates? Did you guys, have you guys hooked up? Yeah. Okay, each date? How many, how many, twice, three times? Each date. Okay, what expectations prior to hooking up did you guys set, if any, or after? No long-term expectations, I would say.

We had a quick conversation about what we're both looking for in general. And then after each date, he's been clear about wanting to see me again. Okay. How much communication is going on between dates? Like none. None. Unless I reach out. That's why I have a problem because I'm like,

there's no reassurance. Even though he said he wants to see me again, I don't know until he actually texts me to plan the next date. So when you say dating, what you mean is you've been on two dates with a guy, you've had sex twice, and yes, he's done a great job of planning these nice dates, and on the dates,

he's been great, and yes, he did plan another date, and yes, he did the thing after the first date, which is say, hey, I'd love to see you again. You know, he didn't leave you hanging, wondering. Because, you know, a lot of guys do that, right? I'm sure you've experienced the, yeah, well, see you later sometime. You're like, okay, you know, a lot of guys do that, right? I'm sure you've experienced the, yeah, well, see you later. Sometimes you're like, okay, later. Where this guy is like, I'd really love to see you again,

which feels nice, I'm sure, right? To hear that, especially after you were intimate. But then between dates, zero contact. Where is he traveling to? For work, so like Chicago. And then he's been on a couple of vacations in between too. Have you been on dates in between? Are you dating other people or are you like mentally kind of focused on this guy?

I'm not mentally focused on him, but I just happen to have not met anyone. Okay. But you are like at least still out there on the apps or open to meeting people. You haven't exactly taken yourself off the market or like, I guess, how much have you taken yourself off the market since this guy's not at all? Zero. Okay. Well, that's good to hear. Have you expressed to him a desire to communicate in between dates? Not yet. I feel like I struggle with coming across too intense.

And I also just don't know like what I'm entitled to at such an early stage of dating. Like I sort of go back and forth between like wanting to text him and show him that like, that's what I am interested in doing, but then also like following his lead a little bit and not coming across like too interested. You don't wanna come across as too interested?

I guess like when I'm not getting that back, you know what I mean? Like sometimes it's hard to be the person who like takes the lead. I have in this case, like I've texted him and in between when we haven't seen each other and he'll like engage in a meaningful conversation. But I'm always like the first and the last person to text

until like the next date. You're having sex with this guy. You've gotten naked in front of him. Yeah. I think you're entitled to anything you want. Yeah, that's sort of how I feel. Yeah, which is why I've reached out. Okay, let's go back to that. Let's rewind about you. You say you're worried about coming across too intense. What why why what do you mean and why? I'm being a little rhetorical here, but just play along with me. I feel like in the past I've been told that I'm a little bit intense, like in this early dating stage.

By whom and give me the situations. Who have told you this and what were those situations? Guys that I was dating in the past and one in particular who, I know he had never been in a relationship before and so I was like, have you ever been in love? and he was like no and I'm kind of like Scared of like talking about my emotions and so I was kind of like trying to get him to open up because I'm comfortable with

That like I'll do that on a date It was like our third or fourth date at that point and we were also hooking up too So like we felt like we knew each other pretty well And I was trying to get a feel for like what we could be if anything and if he was ready for that. And he was like, you know, you're kind of like intense. And I was like, yeah, maybe I am and I'm okay with that generally but.

Well, I hate that for you. I don't think you're intent. I mean, I don't know you. I just started talking to you. Maybe you're crazy as fucking super intense. But from what you're telling me. I don't think I'm intense in a bad way. Well, everything you've told me now

doesn't describe an intense person. I'm just basing it on what I'm hearing, right? And again, maybe you're leaving things out, but you asking somewhat meaningful or serious questions, questions around like wanting to get to know someone, a desire to have someone open up after you've had sex, isn't intense or crazy. I'm a reluctant, you use the word

gaslight here just because it's the phrase everyone loves to use. But it's giving how people want to use the word gaslight. I need to just surrender to the fact that this is how people use the word. But it's kind of gaslighty in a way. I think men in hookup culture have gotten comfortable with gaslighting women into thinking they're crazy about wanting to get to know someone they're intimate and having sex with because men are more easily able to detach from sex. And hookup culture has caused people, and specifically women in general, to question themselves or the desire to get to know someone

because they are having sex with people they don't know and have no connection with. And you, I'm guessing, when you're having sex with these men, you're not having, you know, like there's a little bit of like, yeah, I just wanna fuck, but there's also a desire for you to get to know these men and build on the intimacy that you shared with them. And unfortunately though, and again, in general,

generalizing here, that women in general will feel more of a connected bond with the men that they're intimate with, certainly more than the men they're having sex with. And as a result, you have these men who are just easy, like men can have sex with people they hate. Hate, hate, that's scary. I want you to think about that. Like a guy.

Yeah, I don't get that. Could hate someone, but if he's physically attracted to them, if a titty pops out, he'll have sex with her, or him, or them. You know, if a titty pops out, he'll have sex with her or him or them. You know? And from what I've gathered from the women I've gotten to know,

they don't have sex with people they hate or dislike or get the ick from. And so like, I just hate that you are questioning yourself because of these guys that you're dating and you have lowered your expectations and standards so much that a guy you've only been on two dates with who wants no communication with you in between you're not even really dating them you've been on two dates with I don't know that I would say my standards have lowered I know that the guy who

called me intense ended up being like extremely avoidant and so it didn't work out and so I didn't work out. And so I sort of take that with a grain of salt. But I'm also aware of the way that I come across in this early dating stage because like you don't know someone that well. And so if I'm coming across like intense, I feel like that's something that I want to be mindful of because I don't think that I'm that intense. Well, see that is what I hate for you.

I don't want someone to like read that. That's what I'm saying, I hate that for you. And again, I don't know you, right? And when I say you've lowered your standards, what I mean by that is like, here you are questioning yourself. You have become more self-conscious of how you should behave around these guys.

And you're, for whatever reason, are allowing these men slash strangers to question your intensity or your behavior or how you come across when from what I'm hearing, you are doing normal things. You had a nice date with a guy, you got intimate, you got naked, you had sex, that's very intimate. Regardless of whether a guy thinks so or not, it is.

We've been desensitized as a culture and as a society through hookup culture to act as if like having sex is a nothing burger and that two people are supposed to have no emotional reaction to having sex. And that's just not realistic. We love to pretend that sex isn't the serious, you know, very intense thing.

And it just isn't that. And we have confused, again, being sex positive with disrespecting what sex is to everyone. And again, unless you're leaving something out, unless you're like, every time I have sex with a guy, I call him 40 times the next day, and I demand to meet his parents. Like if you told me that, I'd be like,

that's kinda fuckin' intense. Very much like a kid. You know, it's kinda like, whoa, you know? But like, you're just like, no, I had sex with a guy. And then like, you know, a week later, I was kind of hoping we could like text a little bit. Then I asked him some questions that like, about like getting to know him.

And now I'm like being told I'm intense. And you're kind of believing it, or at least you're questioning it a little bit. You know, you're like, oh, well two guys told me I was intense. So, you know, well, if two people told me, then it must be a little bit true. And I think the only thing that's true is that you are getting intimate with these guys that you don't know and not sending any upfront expectations prior to having sex. And then you're having sex with men who really aren't serious about developing an emotional connection or beginning to know someone. I'm not saying he's been lying to you, right?

I believe he had a really nice time with you, so much so that he was definitely down to plan another date. And he must be enjoying the sex on some level because the average guy only needs to have sex one time with someone they had okay sex with. Yeah, I think it's definitely better than okay. So yeah, you have that going for you. But I just hate that you're questioning yourself about it.

And I think to change that, it's like you have to change your behavior. You have to change your approach. Okay. Because I don't think these guys are gonna change. Yeah, I feel like I'm young, I'm still learning. And so for me, I kind of chalked up maybe some of the things that I was doing in the past as like a learning experience, like, okay, maybe I don't want to keep using the word intense, but like, maybe I came on too strong too soon. So maybe I dial it back going forward. next person just happened to like sort of have the opposite approach where he's

like really not reaching out and normally I would reach out a little bit more than I am but it's sort of like causing me to take a step back and like try to match his energy and sort of leaves me kind of wondering like where things stand a little bit more than usual even. I'm thinking out loud here my instinct and I don't know if this is the right thing to say, I don't know if I'm right, but my instinct is to say I don't think a woman should ever match a guy's energy in a dating situation. I'm going to have to think through on that.

I would rather have you just be whoever the fuck you want, act however the fuck you want, again within limits. I'm not saying just being like an absolute cannon and disregard people's feelings and behavior and don't be self-aware. I'm not saying that. But I think you should just, I would love to see you be more confident

in your approach with dating and not react to how these strangers react to you. And I'm just kidding, keep saying strangers because that's who these people are to you, strangers. I like that. You don't know anything about them. Yeah, it's true. You have no idea their points of view on sex, what their viewpoints on relationships are.

How old are these men generally that you're hooking up with? Like, my age to like a year or two older. Okay, so they're probably incredibly immature. You know, I think men have always been way more immature than women. I don't think, typically speaking, in the past 20 years, there's been a sea of mature 20-something year olds. But I think nowadays it's an epidemic of immaturity, I think. I think the standards have been lowered so much.

If you've heard recent episodes and intros, I've tried to empathize with men a little bit and some people weren't having it. And I really do, I do think it's a problem, but it's a problem nonetheless. And I do think that men have lacked good role models. I think men have lacked good guidance. I think the expectations of men have lowered.

And again, I don't know who, I think there's a lot of blame to go around, but the simple fact is the results are that a lot of 20 something year old men are very boyish. Yeah. The benefits of hookup culture is I think there's been like a sexual liberation of women, right? So in the past, there are a lot of slut shaming,

a lot of judgment for women who, you know, were like, I'm young, I wanna have some sex, I have the right to have some sex, and goddamn, I wanna have some sex. And that, I think that was a really positive thing, right? On the flip side, then you like took a bunch of guys who've always been fucking horny and have always like, and have gotten away with fucking around

and haven't had to deal with the same shame and judgment that women have to deal with when it comes to being promiscuous of any kind, right? And they have basically getting this whole hall pass for an entire decade and then some to simply just like literally fuck around. And when they get questioned by women like you who have a desire to maybe get to know them a little bit

or like advance a relationship, they're like, well, you're just a little intense. Like, what the fuck? And then here you are being like, am I? Yeah. You know, am I crazy? Am I intense? And I hate that for you.

Yeah, I think it's hard. Like I've lived in a couple of different cities and I think New York in particular is just like such a playground for men in their 20s and they can just do whatever they want. There's so many young women, so many attractive people and they can just kind of like run around and like not take anything too seriously.

Exactly, yes. And so for you to participate in hookup culture, I think you really need to be able to detach from sex, if that's even possible, and it might not be for you. I don't think it is. You have to go into a hookup situation, and as I say in my book, if you're gonna participate in hookup culture,

regardless if you're a man or a woman, the only reason you should have sex is because you want sex. That's it. And you should want the sex, and you should tell yourself before you hook up with a stranger. And a stranger to me is like anyone that you haven't known for at least a month, essentially.

I mean, to me, I'm being conservative, you know? But if you're gonna hook up with someone that you've been on like less than five dates with and even then I think they're kind of strangers but certainly less than five dates with then you should tell yourself I want to have sex I want to get laid and I have zero expectations of what I'm gonna get from them after we have sex mm-hmm and this sex is meaningless yeah even if I try to tell myself that, I don't know, I always wind up thinking

that I like them more than I do, maybe. Because you're a human being, and it's natural. And sex is, despite hookup culture, diluting what sex means to people is a meaningful thing. Society and culture, they can try all they want, but they're not going to be able to remove the intensity that is sex and how it impacts us as human beings. And as a woman, again, I don't want to generalize, but generally speaking, women respond very

differently to men than sex. And they do bond. And I think that's great. And I don't want people to lose that. And so I guess, have you considered just not hooking up with them early on, even if you wanted to? Or just having a fuck buddy? Have that one guy who you definitely do not wanna date and just have some regular sex. Or that there's some comfort and you feel safe around you know or yeah I mean this is kind of like hooking up in

early dating is like nowhere for me I used to wait like months and like really get to know people yeah how'd that go I don't know it was kind I wasn't having sex for like years because, you know, people that I actually liked enough were fewer and more far between, I think. That was also before I moved to New York. And I also think it was somewhat influenced by like exes that I've had and like slut-shaming and like internalizing things that people have said to me in the past related to that and not wanting to be a slut so like thinking that I should be waiting a certain amount of time

before hooking up with someone it's good that I've gotten over that right so like that's a positive but maybe I don't know maybe I'm still sort of figuring it out figuring out the balance if you want to have sex five times a day. If you wanna have sex five times a day, I say go fucking have sex five times a day with five different people. I don't go fuck. I don't think you deserve any labels other than someone who enjoys having sex.

But I think you just have to ask yourself and be honest with yourself of how sex impacts you. And I think it's about respecting yourself more than giving a fuck what people say. Yeah, I agree. You know, and so, cause right now it's like you're putting yourself in these situations that is causing you to overvalue

the opinions of strangers. And it's making you question yourself, you know, and it's making you question your judgment and your instincts. And like, that's like the worst thing to feel like, you know, especially at any age. And I hate that for you. Sex is not a way to get to know someone.

And I think that's one of the biggest misconceptions when it comes to hookup culture is that we act like, well, we need to have sex to get to know this person. No, you don't. You know, sure. If you want to sit there and say, yeah, maybe you should have sex with someone before you get engaged or married. Sure. Okay, you know, if like, if you watch The Bachelor, there say, yeah, maybe you should have sex with someone before you get engaged or married, sure.

Okay, you know, if like, if you watch The Bachelor, there's always like this big debate of like, you know, fantasy suites and the potential that the lead has sex with multiple people and you know, and the obvious response is like, well, I mean, shit, like they're going to get engaged since you kind of like have to, it's because like, what are you supposed to do?

And I honestly don't even think that. It's just like, you know, when you have sexual chemistry with someone and maybe you want to see them naked I honestly don't even think that. It's just like, you know when you have sexual chemistry with someone and maybe you wanna see them naked so you can see if you're physically attracted to like the equipment or whatever. But other than that, like you know whether you have physical chemistry or not.

And sex the first time with anyone is never gonna be the best sex and if all you really need to know about whether you're gonna have good physical chemistry or good sex with someone is their ability to talk about sex. Their comfort level with being open about what they like or what they dislike to communicate. Because that's how you have good sex with someone is the ability to communicate about your interests

and your dislikes and things like that. And if someone's very awkward about that, and even before they have sex, you'll get a pretty good read about how good they are gonna be in bed or how selfish they're gonna be. Like if a guy's not even interested in having a conversation with you about what you like in bed. And I bet, I would imagine if you were to have this

conversation with a lot of men early on, you would find that a lot of them are uncomfortable with it. And that could be your barometer of whether, so you do not need to have sex with people to get to know them at all. Certainly their personality. And I don't even think you need to have sex with people to get to know them at all. Certainly their personality. And I don't even think you need to have sex with people to know whether you'll have good sex with them.

There's a lot of other things you can do to get a pretty good read. But because of hookup culture, we have convinced ourselves that we are having sex with these people because we wanna get to know them. And there's probably like some, I guess, so what's the residual like slut shaming, even the hookup culture, even though we, as a society,

we've become more like, supportive, I guess, of all people, including women, to like participate in hookup culture. But I think there's some like residual judgment, that we still like, that I think a lot of women who fear judgment of themselves, because we judge ourselves more than other people judge us, or for judgment of others, that instead of just being like,

I wanna fuck, that we will have to convince ourselves of other reasons of why we're having sex. It's like, well, everyone get to know them, or things like that. It's just like, no, you're not gonna get to know them. What you're gonna do is confuse yourself. In fact, it's gonna make it harder to get to know them. Because unfortunately men, again, the way they respond to sex, you

know, we were inefficiently made, you know, I don't know why, when it comes to sex. But we will change our behavior, you know, you've heard of post-nut clarity and things like that. Men will change their behavior after they have sex with someone. And men will get more confused after sex. The lack of sex keeps men interested. And like men do not fall in love with you because of sex. They fall in love because they miss you. That's why the bachelor works so well.

Because men will fall in love with someone they don't get to see as much. Because every time on the bachelor, you have like five minutes of chemistry, they pull you away. And then you go and talk about that person you had five great minutes with. And then you fantasize what it's like to have those next five minutes

and men will fall in love so fast. You're digging all the mystery around getting to know you because you're intimate so fast. And again, I don't say that with judgment. Again, if you wanna have sex, have that sex. But you're having sex with these men, you are interested in getting to know and you're potentially interested in like dating

and getting, you know, and the fact that like, when right now, he's not willing to plan a date, he's willing to plan sex. Wow, okay. You know, because he's not even reaching out to you in between and a guy who's really interested in you and is really excited about you, the same conversations you have with your friends

and your girls when you're excited about a guy, a guy's having about you with his friends if he's really excited. It's just so impossible for a guy to get excited about someone he's had sex with and if all he knows about them is sex. So do you think it's almost counterproductive to have sex early on?

Oh, not almost. I think it's incredibly counterproductive. And I say this, Nellie and I had sex on our first date, and we got lucky, you know what I'm saying? But if you've listened to this podcast, you've heard all the stories, and Nally joking around how I didn't date her for a while, and there's a lot of variables,

and every situation is different. But best case scenario, if you're gonna have sex with someone on the first or second date, you two have to be obsessed with the sex. It's gotta be like fucking heroin. And good news for us, that kept us invested. And because we kept hanging out, because we both were obsessed with the sex,

we got to know each other. But what if it was awkward? What if it was only like really good? Like there were a lot of other, like we, again, I say that we got lucky. And if it weren awkward? What if it was only like really good? You know, like there were a lot of other, like we, again, I say that we got lucky. And if it weren't for Natalie, like having the, you know, maturity and the guts and the bravery to say, fuck it, I like this guy and I'm not gonna like, you know,

and she, we wouldn't be together. I just, you know, we wouldn't. I, you know, we got really lucky, you know? So I don't want to like sound like a hypocrite, you know, that I, and I'm not, and I'm not telling you not to have sex on the first date. It is not, it is 0% productive in terms of getting to know someone. It doesn't do anything for two people

who are interested in seeing if there's something there to explore the potential of something long-term. It does nothing productive. And it makes it harder. It makes it so much harder because you've actually taken away something that a guy needs to have to keep that interest. I feel like I've sort of heard that it doesn't really matter

when you have sex with a guy. Oh yeah, I mean, I literally wrote in my book. Like, no, I agree, it doesn't. See, and I finally sound agree, it doesn't. See, I know, I finally sound confusing, because it doesn't. There's a lot of people out there who will say, well, I'm gonna make a guy wait three weeks, or five dates, or 10 dates, or six weeks.

And if that person we're calling in, or it was a friend, I would be like, you're wasting your time. Have sex on the first date, fuck it. There's really no difference. Because you don't really know, it's a slight difference. You've had six weeks to get to know them. But there's especially no difference

that if you're someone who's like on the first couple dates and you tell a guy, listen, I don't have sex on the second or first date. I have to date you, a guy, for at least a month before I have sex with them. You know what that guy's gonna hear? All right, I need to wait a month. You just gave him a goal, right?

And now instead of like his goal being and taking the mystery out of it and wondering like when she might like have sex with me, he just knows he has to wait a month. And now his goal isn't to get to know you, his goal is to wait a month. Right. You know, and how much do you really know someone

after a month? It takes a year, you know, have you had a long-term boyfriend before? Yeah. What's your longest relationship? Like two years. Two years, right? And I imagine if you link back in that relationship,

it probably took a year before you guys really started like fighting about nothing, you know? Because eventually after a year, you kind of get comfortable, you get used to them, you kind of get bored with them, and you kind of sometimes fight to keep it spicy. And it's just like, that's when you really know someone, when you start learning their bad habits, you, you know, they, they start, you know, scratching their ass and, and picking wedgies and farting or like leaving their mess around.

But you go on a first date, a guy's house and it's just like, you know, the appearance of this immaculate room and it smells good and candles are lit and whatever. And he's like, he's, his breath is always fresh and shit like that, you know, for the sex. And so that's what I'm saying. It's just like, it doesn't matter, you know, if you're waiting four weeks or waiting four days, it really doesn't, you know, because you don't really have an emotional connection and you and a man needed emotional connection. And men need an emotional connection in order to have sex with someone and still be emotionally invested after sex.

They won't get that emotional connection from sex like a lot of women do. Yeah. It's just like, there's such a disconnect. So it's almost hard to like, not only remember that that's the case, but also just like have that in the back of your head when you're making these decisions.

But I definitely don't regret doing it. Like even knowing that, like I definitely wanted to at the time. And I think like either way, if it doesn't work out, we had fun, you know. Listen, I love that you don't regret it, especially since it didn't work out. Yeah. What I want for you, and my only really hope

for you getting off this call, is to just be confident in your choices when it comes to sex and dating, and be aware of how sex impacts you, and how sex will impact the average guy that you date. So that if you decide to have sex with a guy early on, you won't allow that guy to then make you feel bad about your choice or question your behavior.

You know, like I would want you going in fully self-aware. Like okay, you go on a date with a guy, right? You have a great time, you're feeling horny that night. You're like fuck it, I wanna get laid, he's super hot, I don't know where this is gonna go, but I wanna fuck tonight. And you decide to have some sex. And you know full well that he's not gonna respond

to that sex the same way you're going to. But you're like, I don't give a fuck, I wanna have sex. You just say yes to the moment, you go for it. I want you, after the fact, to be able to at least have a conversation with yourself and just be like, all right, well, I don't know who he is and maybe he's not the average guy, but I know that whatever feelings I'm feeling emotionally right now, he's almost certainly not feeling the same. Yeah.

And so if I decide to want to get to know him and ask him some questions, he's going to probably be a little guarded. And so if he responds like some other guys have responded to me in the past and say things like, oh, you're a little intense. You either a completely dismiss it or almost kind of in a condescending, joking way, be like, no, I'm not. But like you, you know, like I would love for you to figure out like a fun, good response to a guy where it's just like you, it's like you, like, you're like, you're talking to a 12 year old where it's just like,

well, you just don't know better. Like actually, no, I'm not. You just like, you desensitize yourself from sex. But like, that's fine. Like, listen, it's not that I'm intense. You're just like completely disinterested in getting to know anyone. And that's fine.

I kind of knew that going in, but like I'm not intense. But like I do have my answer about where you stand. And I just, I want you to stop letting these strangers second guess who you are as a person, because the right guy is not gonna think you're intense at all. And the guy who's really interested in getting to know you is gonna be thrilled.

I mean, honestly, you know, and like, I don't want you to worry about matching some guy's energy you had sex with, who you don't know. I want a guy worried about matching your energy. I want him being confused about your behavior. Me too. But you have, but just- But it's reassuring to know that I'm not like

doing too much. No, no, you're not doing enough. And by not enough, I mean, I want you to go a step further and being like, all right, well, all right, he planned a date, great, we had some sex, but like I haven't heard from this guy in three or four days, so I clearly know where he stands. And where he stands was he wants to have sex. And even if he told me he wants to see me again, or even if he planned a date three weeks from now, that's great, and you know, maybe I'll go on a date with him, and maybe I'll have

sex with him again, but I know he in this moment he's not interested in getting to know me yeah and the only way to get a guy to change course is to stop saying no to the very convenient sex that he's been getting and then he'll have to ask himself do I want to get to know this person or not yeah yeah I think that's helpful so you're saying to get him to sort of commit a little bit more, like I sort of have to take the sex away. But is that like manipulative? Is that? Sure, I don't know.

Like am I then like not being, if I wanna have sex too, like then am I just like denying myself something that I wanna do? I don't think it's manipulative, no. Is it manipulative to say, listen, we're just not on the same page, and honestly, it was good sex, but I am interested in getting to know you, and you're not.

So to be honest, I don't think I'm intense, but I do know that I'm going to like, I'm probably gonna be more interested. And if you wanna have, you get one freebie, but if you want recurring sex with me, you gotta put in some effort in between the sex. And you have to at least make me feel like you're interested in getting to know me. And if you're not sex with me, you gotta put in some effort in between the sex. And you have to at least make me feel like you're interested in getting to know me.

And if you're not interested to do that, that's totally fine. We had no expectations prior to having sex. So like no judgment, it's all chill, it's all cool. But like, you don't need to like take me out to dinner just to have sex. Like let's call a spade a spade. And as far as denying yourself,

again, like if you wanna hook up in hookup culture, go have sex, have as much sex as you want. But you have to be more honest with yourself about how you're gonna feel afterwards. And you have to be more realistic about how these men are gonna respond as well. That's true. I think that helps though.

It was something that I wanted to bring up if I did see him again, and I think that you framed it perfectly, where it's just like, I'm not asking for too much but this is what I want if you want to keep seeing me like I can't just keep agreeing to dates that we end up hooking up on and sort of trying to like keep the cool like chill girl vibe by not expressing what I'm looking for. Chill girl by how you are saying chill girl has never gotten a man.

Okay. When I think chill, you know, when I say chill, I want you to do that by being calm. So there's a big chill and calm. And like, I never want you to not say exactly how you feel to a guy. If you're thinking it, I want you to express it. But when you do express it, I want you to say it

in the most like, I don't give a fuck how you respond to what I'm saying manner. And that's how you fuck with a guy's head. When you're just like, listen, buddy, it's all good, man. Like, this is just like, this is just simple math. One plus one equals, you know, two. Like, it's all good. Like, you're not ready for what I'm looking for.

It's totally fine. And don't say you can't. Just be like, I don't do that. I don't do that. You won't do that. You're capable, yeah, of course you could have sex with him. Don't act like you're a victim to his, I don't want you to be like, well, if I have sex with you,

he's gonna fuck me up and blah, blah, blah. Don't say shit like that. Just like, you don't, don't, you know, just be like, I just don't, you get one freebie with me, but if you're not willing to give me more, then I'm just not interested in like dinner for sex. Yeah. But like these, these guys feel like all, like this guy,

he's figured out that like, to not be called a fuck boy or to have these women who I'm gonna have sex with, think that I'm better than the average guy, all I have to do is plan a date and then I just have to be present. Yeah. And then she'll have sex with, think that I'm better than the average guy, all I have to do is plan a date. And then I just have to be present. And then she'll have sex with me and think I'm a pretty swell guy. And then eventually he'll just tell you that's like,

oh, it's not working for me. And I'm just kind of busy with work and, but you're great. And you'll be like, oh, what could I have done differently? And then you'll ask yourself what you did wrong. You didn't do anything wrong. The only thing you did wrong is go into the situation with kind of misguided expectations.

And I know it sounds crazy and cringey and it probably gives you like the heebie-jeebies, but like if you're gonna participate in hookup culture, I strongly advise everyone, especially women, to have upfront expectations of what these guys expect to happen after you have the sex. And even if that kills the mood, you would be doing yourself a service. That makes sense.

Like honestly, if you're gonna hook up with a guy in the first couple of days, it's just be like, just to make things clear, just set the ground rules, like this is just about sex. And like, don't call me tomorrow. Right. Tell them that. Because that's what it honesty is gonna be. So stop pretend, you know.

But when you go into like hooking up with a guy on the first night and you're having a conversation with yourself wondering what this could lead into, you've already gone down a path of delusion that's only gonna get you in trouble. I've made that mistake before. We all have. But yeah, it's just, you just gotta be,

if you're gonna hook up, you're gonna participate in hookup culture, you just gotta really be honest with what is gonna happen. And you have to be able to separate hookup culture with dating culture. And the problem with dating culture today is there is no separation between dating and hookup culture. It's all one in the same.

Right. And it has fucked everyone up. And that's like, I don't even, like this guy, like he literally probably doesn't even know better. That's sad to say, it's really sad. But there's just no expectation for like commitment or like giving it a try or being in a relationship. And why would any six foot tall guy living in New York,

who's in his twenties, enter in a relationship when all he has to do is plan a date to get sex. Because like, you know, you're all just looking for the tall ones out there and there's only like a small percentage of them, you know. We have a decent amount here. Yeah, and all the five, eight kings are like, I'll be your boyfriend.

You're like, eh, no, no, no, not right now. I'll not right now, you know. I mean, I'm slightly joking, but even the short ones are getting laid these days, but, not right now. I'll not right now, you know. I mean, I'm slightly joking, but even the short ones are getting laid these days. But- Good for them. Yeah, but yeah, it just like- Not by me, but good for them.

Men will never commit when they know they can get sex without the commitment. Yeah. They just won't. It's just not in their DNA. We were deficiently made. And hookup culture was never a good idea for the boys. Like our response to like shaming women for sex

was to decide that hookup culture was a good idea. And unfortunately it wasn't. And we needed to have a much more mature way of not shaming women for wanting to be sexually liberated and have sex without judgment, without saying like sex is just some free for all for everybody. And now a bunch of guys can just like plan dates

and have sex and just be like, well, I didn't really want a relationship. That was always a recipe for disaster. And now we're, I don't have a, you know, so the only solution right now is to, for you to like, be aware of it because unfortunately there needs to be some sort of like sexual Renaissance that I doubt is ever gonna happen.

I hope this was helpful. I hope I'm not like just coming at you too hard here. No, it's super helpful. I think it's things that we've all heard before, but it's just like a helpful reminder because there are so many mixed messages these days with hookup culture and towing the line between like embracing that and doing what you want, but also knowing if what you want long term is a relationship, then you might have to take

some of these things into account like you're saying. So it is helpful. You just have to know that if you're going to hook up with someone early on, that you immediately put the chances of it becoming a relationship at a disservice. You've made it harder, not easier. Not impossible, definitely can happen, happen with us. So it's not impossible, but it does make it harder. And we are acting like that's not the case. Yeah, it's true.

Yeah, if you have a good first date, I would probably not. If I were you, I'd probably stop having sex with them. Yeah, if it's a good first date, I would probably not. If I were you, I'd probably stop having sex with them. Yeah, if it's a good first date, which is almost counterintuitive, right? Like if it's a good first date, you're like, oh, I want to keep hanging out with this person. Like I'm feeling the sparks. Let's see where else this goes. It's almost kind of like a novel idea, as crazy as it is. And this is a crazy idea.

And I don't even know if it's a good idea. I'm just going to say it out loud, but kinda like you know how I joked about how men can have sex with people they hate? Imagine you're on a date with a guy, you match him on the app, and you think he's hot, right? I bet this has happened to you, you go on a date with a guy, you think physically he's hot,

and then he opens up his mouth, and you're just like, I can't, I can't even with this guy, I don't know, ick, whatever, or he's a jerk, or whatever. Honestly, if you're horny and you wanna get laid, that's the guy you should have sex with because you already know you don't like him. And think of how many guys that- That's honestly a good idea.

Yeah, think of how many guys you've liked or had an interest in and thought, oh, maybe there's something there that you hooked up with early on and you didn't, and then nothing went, happened anyways. At the end of the day, you're just having sex with a stranger. So make it easier for yourself.

It's almost like you have to like, oh, I know I'm not gonna like this guy. And I know I just wanna get laid. So if you could go into hookup culture knowing that if I'm gonna have sex with this guy, it's almost going to eliminate the chances we end up together unless a miracle happens. Right.

So I'm better off. I don't know if I'm good enough for that, but I like it in theory. Yeah, I get it. It's not how y'all wired. You're better made than that in so many ways. But yeah, I just want you to know going in because clearly you have invested a lot of emotional energy

asking yourself questions and questioning yourself and your self-worth or how you've acted around these guys. And it's been a waste of your energy and it's not fair to you or your emotions in your heart and things like that. And you're just wasting your energy. Yeah, it's true. It's a good way to look at it.

All right, well. Well, thank you so much. This was really helpful. Well, I'm glad it was helpful. Keep us posted. Like I'd love to know if you've done anything with the information we shared or if you've changed your approach.

If nothing else, try to change your approach a little bit and see what happens. Whatever that approach is, just change it up and see if you get a different response or you just feel better. And at the end of the day, like I said before, all I really want for you is to go, if you're gonna hook up in hookup culture,

I want you to do with more self-awareness and more confidence and offer less confusion. And you can do that all on your own. I love it. Okay. Sounds good. All right, take care. Thanks, Nick.

All right, bye-bye. Bye. Thanks for listening, guys. Don't forget to send in those questions at asknickattheviophiles.com. We'll see you tomorrow. It's a big week. Let's go. Bye.