The Viall Files - E796 Going Deeper with Love Island’s Nicole Jacky

Episode Date: August 21, 2024

Welcome back to The Viall Files: Going Deeper, with Love Island USA’s Nicole Jacky! Today we have a bonus episode, and boy is it a good one! The reunion just aired and Nicole is ready to set the record straight. How was the reunion? What did Kendall lie about? Can she trust him moving forward? “I really don't trust anything that comes out of your mouth now.” Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes. Listen To Disrespectfully now! Listen on Apple: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/disrespectfully/id1516710301 Listen on Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/0J6DW1KeDX6SpoVEuQpl7z?si=c35995a56b8d4038 Watch on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCCh8MqSsiGkfJcWhkan0D0w To Order Nick’s Book Go To: http://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice on Office Hours send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line! To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles  Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @nnataliejjoy @nicolejacky @justinkaphillips @dereklanerussell Timestamps: 00:00 - Intro 00:59 - Where to start 02:03 - The Past 10:54 - Signing Up 19:50 - The Situation 38:38 - Confrontation 48:04 - Working it out 50:54 - Feeling love 54:52 - What now 59:24 - Answers 01:07:10 - Outro

Nicole. Hi. Welcome to the Vow Files. Thank you. I'm so excited to be here with you guys. We are super excited to have you. You've been kind of. Mute. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Gone, yeah. I'm alive guys, sorry. Hey. A superhero who's like super skill is to disappear. Yeah, I just feel like I really wasn't on my phone a lot like even before going on the show.

So then like readjusting and I forget that people want like, you know, post stuff and see things and I'll get there. It's just been a lot, but I'm alive. I'm coming back. Yay. Well, that's great. We obviously, but I'm alive, I'm coming back. That's great. We obviously know that you opened up at the reunion,

but I'd love to just kind of go over everything, if that's okay with you. I gotta give you guys all the tea, I haven't told you yet. We would love that, we would love all the tea. We haven't heard from you. Where do you wanna start? Wherever you guys wanna start. Maybe where we left off, obviously,

on the show was you telling Kendall that you love him. Which wasn't easy, it seemed like. It was not easy for me. And I just want everyone to know that if I don't mean something, I'm not gonna say it. I thought I meant that. It was a big moment for me. It did, it seemed very genuine.

Yeah. So for anyone who is saying, oh, she only said it because she felt like she was pressured or forced or anything like that, that's not accurate. No, like I really only do things that I want to do. I'm not gonna let anyone pressure me into anything, whether that's the show, Kendall, because I think it's gonna be taken a certain way.

I said it because I meant it. Even though it was hard, I wasn't expecting him to say it, but I'm like in that moment, right, why am I gonna let maybe my past, or why am I gonna be scared to tell someone how I feel? I don't need to be, well, now I'm like, fuck, I should have been scared. No, I'm kidding. Yeah, you're like, whoa, a lot of people.

A lot of people's opinion. Well, before we get into all the kindle of it all, I mean, can you open up a little bit about your past? Because I think you referenced it a lot, and you kind of talked about, you know. Yeah, it doesn't really, doesn't talk about it on the show,le of it all, like I mean, can you open up a little bit about your past? Cause you, I think you referenced it a lot and you kind of talked about, you know. Doesn't talk about it on the show much.

Yeah, it was like, we just know that you had one and that past came with some, you know, scars, but could you shed some light on what that actually all means? Of course. So I was in a seven year relationship. I met him when I was 15. Literally thought I was gonna marry him. Loved my life.

We lived together for three years, did college together, like everything, right? Moved to a new city together after we graduated. And I think it was my freshman or sophomore year college I found out he was cheating on me with my best friend. Also another girl. It's funny, because I got this text from a girl and I showed it to him and he thought it was another girl.

So he confessed to two at once. Yeah. And then my dumb assass I was young and dumb I was like okay that sucks and moved like lived with him so kind of like lied throughout our whole relationship he was emotionally and physically abusive and I really thought back then like love conquers all I didn't understand I thought like it could change right because guys are always gonna say I'm gonna change I didn't mean it whatever and I think that's why like especially Cause guys are always gonna say, I'm gonna change. I didn't mean it, whatever. And I think that's why like, especially seeing like

what Kayla and some of the other younger girls and they were going through, I try to be there for them. I know like how traumatizing it is to love someone and they're not, if someone loves you, they're not gonna treat you that way. So it was really hard for me. And then I finally broke up with him. It was like a whole thing, broke our lease.

Like it was bad, you guys. How long ago was that? Oh Maybe what years? 24 you're like three years ago now. I was single for a while and then I had a year relationship with someone Which sure he doesn't want me to talk about it. He doesn't want you to talk about it He thinks he's in the public eye. He's really not what does that mean? Doesn't mean anything like a tick tocker. No, like does not. What does that mean? Yeah. Doesn't mean anything. Is he like a TikToker? No.

Like does he have a little following? Is that a YouTube page? Yeah, bounces the ball around for a living. Let's just say that. Bounces the ball around. Okay. Whatever, but so I dated him for a year and then broke up with him in November

and filled out the application for La Violin and then was here this summer. Why did the first relationship ultimately end? Obviously you went through a lot of hardships, but what was it that you finally were like, no, I'm done, I'm walking away. My long one. Yeah.

It was actually funny. So we just moved to Sacramento together. He went away for a bachelor trip. My friend came up to stay with me and I was hanging out with all of his friends from high school and he was just texting me like, I can't believe you're out with dudes, which it was like his friends, brothers.

I fucking hate you. I never want to see your fucking face again. Like pack the fuck up. We're done. While he's at a bachelor trip, just being insane, like literally. Yeah, I still have voicemails like I'll show people. It's crazy. And I think after that, my friend was with me, too. So I never I never talked about I never told my friends and family like how it was between us.

And I think with her there and like seeing the look on her face and I was like, oh, this is bad. Yeah. Like I probably shouldn't be with this guy anymore. And I also thought too dumb of me. I was like, it's college, right? Like this sucks. Like he's just, I'm like, when we move, we graduate, we're adults, like it's going to change. And I think being in a new environment with him and seeing that it wasn't, I was just like lost off. It is crazy. I think I was also in an extremely abusive relationship and it is crazy how it you feel like this is, I guess like love is hard, I think. I was also in an extremely abusive relationship and it is crazy how you feel like this is, I guess, like love is hard, you know,

this is what it's supposed to be. Love is not supposed to be hard though. I just learned that. I know, I just learned it too. Yeah. But yeah, and it took someone else, you know, kind of coming to me and being like, you know him like pushing you into the wall is not normal

and he probably shouldn't do that. And I was like, oh fuck. And I feel like some people like don't get that. And I feel like until you've gone through it, you don't understand. Cause when you really do love someone, like you see the best in them. So you don't want to believe they're that person.

And then right after they do something bad, they come back and say, I didn't mean it. I love you. Yeah. Help me change. You know? It's like super, it's the gaslighting for me. It's crazy. And you're right, I mean, like when we're young,

whether it's the movies we watch, or the shows that we watch, you know, it does. It teaches us that it doesn't matter how bad it is, that if you can get through it, like it's all worth it. Like that's essentially what every TV show, or movie, or rom-com tells us. Not every one of those shows has abuse in it or things like that.

Don't even get me started on this. I've done deep dive research. Like the notebook, yeah. All of it, every single, it's implanted in our brains. It's like young people that this is what love is. Noah was toxic on the notebook. And that's why I love guys like Noah. Exactly, yeah.

You know, on their first date, they lied in front of a street, you know? Kind of crazy. Kind of crazy. He threatened to kill himself to get a first date. That's how he got his first date. I would still date Noah though. Fuck. No, isn't that crazy?

Isn't that crazy? I'm over here like wired. I want him to treat me right, but I'm still like, Team Noah. Yeah. It's still a good movie. Yeah. How did you heal from that experience? I don't think I did literally until like a year ago.

I was honestly, I went through this phase of just like being really mean to guys, which I regret. Cause I was just like, all guys suck. I didn't heal from it. I would like secretly still see him. I don't know. I think it just took time. And I think it finally, like for me,

having talks with people close to me and realizing like, what is this actually bringing into my life? Nothing positive, he's not helping me grow. I think it just took a lot of time for me. I think I probably should have processed it better. I think other girls, like. What do you mean you should have processed it better? It feels like a little, like you're judging yourself

a little bit. Yeah, I don't know. Like, I don't know. I've been saying I need to go therapy for a long time. I think everyone should. I still need to go. But I just, I didn't handle my emotions for a long time. Like, I feel like they would come out

in like very dramatic ways. Like I would push down things for so long and then like kind of explode, right? And like then get really mad at him. Or like I never really talked through how I was feeling with anyone. Do you think that that relationship played a big part in who you are today,

like everything you learned from that relationship? Yeah, 100%. I think, especially what I've been going through with Kendall, which we'll get into, I am very proud of myself, because I've never stood up to a guy for mistreating me whatever level it's on. And I now see through those kinds of things

that I think guys can do in relationships, right? I've just been lied to so much and I used to really hate it. I would tell my stepdad, I gave up my whole college experience for this guy. It sucks and he's like, well, you were with him. It could have been that bad. And I think if I hadn't gone through that at that point. Your dad said this to you?

Yeah. How's your relation with your dad? My stepdad, he's literally the best guy in the world. No, that sounds bad. He's the coolest guy, but he literally, no, he kind of was like, like you, he basically was like, you can't have regret, right?

Because you did do it. You know, and you did stay with him because there were good times. More just like owning. Own it, and you learned from it. You know, your life's not over. I think I was looking at it at that time like, my whole college experience was around this guy

and I didn't do all the things that like, maybe I should have been doing. I mean, I relate to that. I mean, my first girlfriend was seven years. We broke up several times. I met when I was, we were 18. Not abusive or anything like that, thankfully. You know, she's a great person.

But it was toxic for sure. Mostly because it was young love, right? Same thing. You just feel like, oh, we're fighting, that's fine, but we'll get through it, and shit like that. Then you break up, and you get back together a bunch of different times. And I did.

I mean, I went home every weekend to see her in college. So I had no real college experience and I very much relate to that feeling of, you know, it not working out and being like, wow, like you hear, you know, other people talk about college. And I was like, I had a very different experience because I was so invested in this relationship that I like really sacrificed a lot of my personal time.

But like your stepdad said, like it doesn't, I still, I made a lot of friends. And as a result of how my college went, my 20s and 30s were just very different. You know? And maybe it's safe to say that you don't sign up for Love Island and you don't do something as adventurous as taking that risk if you felt satisfied

by the risk that you took in college. So you never really know. And that's what I've learned about. Like instead of beating myself up about like what I didn't get out of college, I just learned from the experience and I've been way more of a risk taker. I've learned how to personalize and focus on myself

before I start prioritizing other people and things like that, but yeah. Yeah, like learning it like when you're younger, like I think hopefully everyone like kind of has to go through something and learn through it. So I'm like, I got my shit out of the way when I was in college, you know? Yeah, that's how I feel too.

Do you feel like now you trust your gut a little bit more? I don't know, I think my picker's still pretty bad. I think I'm getting better though. I love when you say picker. Yeah, yeah, like that's again, one of my stuff that always says is like your picker has gotten better but it's still not. I'm like, I don't know

I think I'm just such like a hopeless romantic at heart and I just want love so bad And I think I have those rust rose colored sunglasses on, you know, and I just I think it's getting better though What what made you sign up for the show? So my other relationship had just ended my friend Who's a big show? Huh the ball bouncer? Yeah, the ball bouncer. Great guy though. She sent me the application. She's like, you don't have an, she wanted me to fill it out the year before. And I was like, she's like, fill it out.

So I filled it out. So I'm like, what do I have to lose? Obviously like you guys, I'm dating who I know like, my thing was if I got on the show, I would get to meet someone that I wouldn't have got to meet otherwise. Yeah. Like what, and even though I was scared to do it,

like actually flying out to Fiji was fucking terrifying, but I know like those, like nothing's gonna change if you don't put yourself in those situations, like get uncomfortable. Fuck it. So we say I love you to Kendall. We get our phones back, we get out of the villa. What transpires?

Okay, let me do a little story time. I'll try to not make it too long. No, please make it long. No, we have as long as you need. So me and Kendall, we get out of the villa that last night and we go to our hotel room. We had two nights in the hotel. I had one night with him in the hotel room

before we got our phones back. So, cause they kept us in Fiji to film other stuff. So it was great. I get back one night after filming stuff without him. It was like 9 p.m. He had gotten his phone back. I don't have mine. And I was like, hey, I'm gonna like heat up my dinner.

He's like, you need to sit down. I'm like, can I just eat dinner? He's like, no, it's really bad. I'm like, oh my God, okay. Is your heart sinking at this point? Like, don't you hit it when someone's like, I need to tell you something. No, I was- Don't get mad.

I was really like, I was like, I didn't know what it could be. I also, I had told him the didn't know what it could be. I also, I had told him the day before, like there were things that Serena had heard. And I'm like, I think we just need to be honest with each other. I know there's gonna be shit when we get our phones back.

I get that. Like, let's just be honest so we can like handle that together. Anyway, so he sits me down and he's like, so my news got leaked. And I was like, holy fuck. Like, first of all, I'm like, I'm so sorry. Cause in my head that can happen to any one of us.

Not speaking for America, but I think everyone on the show at one point in their life has sent something I have to an ex boyfriend, right? In my past. Like, yeah, I felt fucking awful. And he like, oh my God, my blood's gonna start boiling. He shows me the end of the video and it's like a screenshot of it.

So I can't really, I don't really have the context of where he is or whatever. He's like, yeah, kind of showed me. I'm like, oh my God. And he's like, I sent this to someone in my past, an ex. I really trusted. I'm like, dude, I am so sorry. That's speechless, right?

But you didn't really see the whole video? No, so I have no idea. And then some of our cast who was just there with us in the hotel like pulls me out and they were like, are you okay? And I'm like, I'm fine. Like I feel bad for Kendall. And they're like, okay, your friends wanted to check on you.

So I like called my friend. I'm like, now I have my phone back. So she's like, you got a bunch of messages. We deleted them. She's like, I just wanna make sure you're okay. I'm like, I'm fine, right? Again, I'm fine. Next day, whatever, we're all filming.

And Janae pulls me in the bathroom and she's like, are you okay? And I'm like, what the fuck? Why is everybody asking? I'm like, yeah, no, I'm good. I just really feel for Kendall. This sucks. Whoever did this, it's fucked up.

She's like, have you seen the video? And I'm like, no. I'm like, I saw a picture. She's like, have you seen the video? And I'm like, no. I'm like, I saw like a picture. She's like, okay, let me show you the video. I don't care about what the video is. I really don't. What I first noticed, because I had just been in the room with him

for the past night, I see his hotel room in Fiji before he went on the show. And I just like literally like fell to the floor and lost it because that's not what he told me. That's not what he told you. That's almost like the first thing he told you outside of the villa was a lie. Uh-huh.

What did you do? What did I do? So we were out just filming something in Fiji. I went to our executive producer. I'm like, I want to leave. I don't want to be here anymore. I told her what happened. She's like, of course.

I went back, I got my shit out of his room. I got my own hotel room for the night. And then we were all leaving the next day. And yeah, I don't know. I was just pissed at him. And then we all went to Universal together. We didn't have time to talk because I don't think people get like how fast it moves.

Like we flew back from Fiji, had one night and then went to Universal, whatever. At this point, had you confronted him about the video? I think Janay told him, like I think he knew that I had seen it You had one night and then went to Universal, whatever. At this point, had you confronted him about the video? I think Janay told him, like, I think he knew that I had seen it. Cause he wanted to talk to me at Universal. I'm like, I want to have this talk here privately.

Yeah. I think it was like a day or two later, we had a private talk in LA and the show also wanted to film that. And I said, no, this to me is like, I need to just talk to him without cameras around. This is real life. That I'm questioning a lot. He's like, yeah, I need to just talk to him without cameras around. This is real life. I'm questioning a lot.

He's like, yeah, I lied to you, I'm sorry. I couldn't tell you the truth in that moment. My world was crumbling down and I thought if I told you the truth, you would leave me. I thought you would judge me. And I'm like, well, you know, I went and have, now I am. And now his excuse is that he was bored in the hotel room and sent it to some girl on Raya. Like, he was bored in the hotel room and sent it to some girl on Raya.

Like I was bored in the hotel room playing fucking crossword puzzles. I'm just saying again, and I just, I just, like so we had a time, like I don't get why you just couldn't have been honest. Like I get it though, I get these are tough moments. But like you guys are married, when shit hits the fan, it's not an excuse to lie to your partner

because you're uncomfortable about the situation. And again, it's a fuck situation. He shouldn't have to go through this. Like I'm not shaming him. But at the end of the day, like I'm a person I deserve fucking respect, especially if you're saying you love me, the bare minimum I deserve is honesty. And that's how I felt about it. When people lie, they lie from a place of shame. And I think the fact that the first conflict, the first, you know, fight or struggle you'll have ever been through, and it's just a blatant flat out lie is really starting y'all at a place. It's very low.

And just getting out of the villa is a lot too, right? So it's like, I don't know, I feel like I've been navigating a lot. And then there's been a couple other things he's lied to me about. We're still together. Like I've been trying to work through with him, but it's not like this is a one-time thing. And he lied to me about just like an altercation

he had out at the club with some girls. And he's like, again, I just, I don't know. Post-filming? Yeah. This was like, I don't know if you guys heard about it. No. Which again, major allegations against him. What are the allegations? Apparently he kicked out two girls out of a booth

who were black and they think that, yeah, calling him racist basically, which again, he's not, I'm not saying that's okay. He needs to like, he needs to do right to make the situation right, which is fine. but he told me, again, Kenny's there. I just don't get why he doesn't think that the truth is gonna get back to me. It's all these girls in this booth.

He told me it was only close friends and family in the booth. Then he's like, yeah, no family was actually there, but I just wanted to let you know what was told to me. These girls just had it out for me. It's not my fault. I had to invite them to the day partying and drunk with them and posting on my social media

the next day. I had to do that. What is that? I don't understand. Cause he wanted to squash the beef and show America that they're good. It was a misunderstanding. The Larry the next day, him and Kenny.

And he also said, he also told me that it was Kenny and him. Kenny and me did this. Kenny and me did this. Janae also helped me plan this. And I called her and she's like, no, I didn't. I told him you should apologize. I didn't tell him how he should apologize, that's on him. And again, I don't care.

Do what you gotta do, but he also didn't clue me into anything. I sent him a screenshot of these girls on his story, and he literally is just like, did you not hear about the drama? Why is that? No, why you have it? Yeah, why don't you come to me and tell me?

Why do I need to hear it from you? I'm asking you. Yeah, what? But like this is a man who you would think knows his relationship is on thin ice. He does. And so I'm just curious why he is going to the clubs in the first place.

The whole thing too, like I've been going back and forth with him is like we're both hurting. I'm not saying don't post on your social media. Like there's a huge platform for him. People want him to do appearances. You don't have to not do that. But I think there's a way post on your social media. There's a huge platform for him. People want him to do appearances. You don't have to not do that, but I think there's a way to handle yourself in situations. I also went to the club the same night in my hometown

because my friends flew into see me and nothing fucking happened. I just think there's a way to handle yourself, right? Exactly. I mean, it's not to say, oh, Kendall should lock himself in his apartment or his bedroom and not go out, but you're right. You have to be aware of your surroundings

in a relationship, regardless if you're coming off TV or not, and being in a booth with a bunch of random women is gonna look a certain way. But Kenny was also in that same booth, and he had no, he's dancing and having his, obviously just having a good time by himself. I'm like, there's just, I think, but again, it's like so hard for me because

Kendall's like, whatever, I was put in a non-verbal position. I don't wanna say he's like wrong for whatever happened, but like I don't, we've had talks about it now and he's like, yeah, I should have told you what was going on, I should have done this. I don't really wanna, I think when you're in a relationship, you can help each other grow, but I don't wanna be with a guy who I have to tell how to act.

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for just $12.99 today. an incredible price. It's fast, reliable internet for everyone. You're probably thinking, wait, what? But yeah, it's true. Learn more at cox.com slash ACP. Non-transferrable one per household application and eligibility decisions are made by the FCC. Other restrictions apply. Do you believe the Raya girl story? No. And I told him to like, if that's what happened, fine. But I would have almost rather have been to someone he loved or someone he trusted.

Yeah. Again, I don't want this to come off the wrong way because I think no matter the context, having his video leaked is awful. It's fucked, yeah. I don't agree with that. 100%. However, I told him this last night,

I'm also now affected by your actions. Whether you meant to do it or not, you didn't want it to get leaked, I get it. You're not saying you did this, but he has to get that, like he's now put me in this situation and I am taking a lot of heat for him. And he hasn't, he stands up to these other allegations against him, he's never once stood up

and like spoken the truth about us or said like, you know, I lied to Nicole. Like, shit, it's rough right now. Like. Why do you think he's not doing that? I think Kendall has a good heart and I don't think he's malicious. I think he does.

It's like a people pleaser in a way. I am too, to an extent. I think he wants to make everyone happy. And I think he's putting, making everyone else happy above kind of doing right by me. When I told him, fine, if you want everyone around you to be happy, you wanna make sure you look good, that's fine. You should also make sure I feel good about everything.

And he hasn't. Have you told him that you don't really totally believe his story about the nudes? Yeah, kind of. I pick and choose my battles with him though because if I go down that path, he's not gonna, he's right, he's just gonna be like, well that's what happened.

What do you mean? Like if I'm like, I don't believe the right thing, he's gonna be like, well that's what happened. I'm telling you. And then he has told me that and I'm like, but you lied to me in the first place. Like I'm not trying to keep bringing up that you've lied to me, but like I don't trust,

I really don't trust anything that comes out of your mouth now. So how do you grow from here if there's no trust? You guys probably have some good advice for me. I mean you seem to still want to make it work. You're still together at least. I mean I, you know, you didn't get up and walk away at the first sign of trouble. You know, you want to believe in him, you want to work on it. Which maybe I should have done. Serena said at the reunion, like trouble. You know, you wanna believe in him, you wanna work on it.

Which maybe I should have done. Serena said at the reunion, like if the guy lied to her like that, bye. And I just think, I don't know. And I feel like I'm going back to, it does remind me of my last relationship, but I'm not saying Kendall and my ex are the same person, but that guy lied to me for seven years.

And I get, I don't know, I get sometimes people lie, but I don't personally don't, I haven't lied to him about one thing. He I get, I don't know, I get sometimes people lie, but I don't personally don't, I haven't lied to him about one thing. He knows that. I care for him. Like, I don't, I really don't know how to move forward, but it's hard because I feel like we fell for each other so quickly, like in this little simulation,

and I don't want it to end. But I think the real world I said was going to be our biggest test. And I don't know how many times, how many chances you give someone after they've shown you kind of their true colors. It's really hard to navigate. Is there, what's interesting is because I think

being in your shoes, there's just a lot of pressure for all of you. You know, it's, and it's, you guys have no experience how to deal with all this crazy fandom. So I think in some cases, I think people could say, oh, well, maybe Nicole's just afraid to break up with him for the backlash because of all of the expectations people have the relationship.

But at the same time, since things have come out, I think most people would completely understand if you decided to leave the relationship. I feel like I'll get hate if I stay in the relationship now. In a way, yeah. You know what's funny? And I don't, I think it's, I don't read a lot of comments, I've been staying off my phone, but I do,

and I get what people think, they only see so much stuff. I get the conclusions they come to, but if I don't wanna be with someone, I wouldn't be with them, it's very simple. Is it partly because that you decided to say, I love you to Kendall, and how much that means, that you don to say I love you to Kendall and how much that means that you don't want that to go to waste? 100%.

I've said that to two guys in my life. Like I don't take those words lightly and it's not something I can just like throw away. But wouldn't it be safe to say that you can't really love someone if they're not willing to show you who they really are? And I think I'm getting to that point, but it's like how long do I let someone say,

now they're showing me their true selves, and they are doing right, and they are gonna be honest. How long do you try and see if they're gonna change, I guess? Yeah, and how do you believe that at this point? Like there is no, I don't know. And it sucks.

I feel like, again, it's a unique situation. Like I feel like if anything, we need that trust and honesty more than usual. Yeah. It seems like you're in a very tough situation. Yeah, thanks guys. It's been great. It's been a great time.

Fuck me. Oh no, no. I think it's, listen, to work through these struggles is huge of you. I think it's, listen, to work through these struggles is huge of you. To wanna see the best version of Kendall, I think there's a lot to say about that. You wanna believe in your partner, right? You wanna trust that who they're telling you

that they are is who they are. And I think it's admirable that you've really given everything you can. If you decide to walk away from this relationship, you tried, you did everything you absolutely could. Where is Kendall's head at right now from what you can tell? I think the thing that's been frustrating me with that,

I've communicated to him a lot. We've had a lot of conversations about this, whether it's FaceTime in person, we had a conversation last night, but he hasn't fully owned up to it. He keeps just going back to like, well, I didn't want this to happen to me. Like you can't blame me for being in like

the worst position in my life. Like, and I'm like, I'm not, like I get it and I do feel for you. I kind of just want him to own it a little bit, even though it's a fucked up thing, I don't know. I can't help but wonder, I mean like, we had obviously a chance to interview Kendall, and seems like a really delightful person, you know,

just good energy, he's obviously fun, kind of very playful. He's definitely a golden retriever and I'm the black cat, 100%. 100%, but you know, my read on Kendall when I interviewed him was, I'm not talking to Kendall. You know, I'm talking to the person Kendall wants me to see. And there's a lot of people like that, you know?

And it's not necessarily, doesn't make them a bad person. It's just like, I felt like I was talking to a guy who's truly not comfortable with who he is. Whoever that person is, he just doesn't seem comfortable enough to show that to the world. And I think people in his position, I think where people get frustrated is because he presents as someone who is,

I'll tell you anything, you know, his whole like, I'm nasty, you know, stuff like that. I don't care what people think, whatever. And it's just like, but you do, you know? We all care what people think, we all care. Yeah. Yeah. And it seems like you're still trying to figure out who Kendall is.

And I think it's hard too, because like our one-on-one moments when we're together, even when like cameras weren't on in the villa, like he is different. And I've told him that, I'm like, I would get frustrated. I'm like, you don't have to like act a certain way, to like, you know, be seen a certain way. Like I like it when it's just us.

I feel like I get the real side of him sometimes. Do you think part of the reason why Kendall's reluctant to even tell you the full truth, because it seems like, you know, you don't feel like you've gotten it yet is because he's just afraid of what that means if he completely comes clean. I don't know.

I'm not gonna comment on it. I'm gonna believe what he's been telling me. That he sent a video to a girl in red. Why are you choosing to believe that even though you don't? Because you know what's fucked up? I did tell him too. I told him in the villa, it's not shown. It was after the stupid stick and twist bullshit.

He didn't understand the rules. I said, I will believe you until you give me a reason not to. And I'm like, I'm going back on my word. Because he really hasn't given me any reason to believe him. Again, I think this is me being stupid, still young, still dumb, still seeing the best in people. But you're not dumb, and you're not stupid, and you're coming out of a hole that you are.

I'm not stupid unless I care for a guy. All my logical thinking goes out the window. What do you think you owe Kyndo? What do I think I owe him? Yeah. I don't know, it's hard. I would say we owe each other the same things. I owe him to be there for him

through hard times and bad times. I owe him to be honest with him. But it's really hard to think that I owe someone that once they've betrayed me. I literally feel like I'm in a therapy session and I'm coming to some terms. No, I'm sorry. You guys are really impatient.

You should think. We like to go deep, you know? Mm-hmm. What are you feeling right now? I don't know. I'm pissed. I've been pissed for a few days now. I was really, really, really sad.

And I think I'm getting more and more angry, like as the day goes on, because it's just not a fair situation. It's not what I want it to be. It's out of my control. I just truly think I deserve a good guy. I'm not saying Kendall's not a good guy, but I deserve, I look at it this way.

We're like basically two months in, right? Three months into a relationship. Like this is the honeymoon phase. I don't. You do have a lot of other, you know, three months into a relationship. Like this is the honeymoon phase. I don't. You do have a lot of other, you know, the typical relationship in the honeymoon phase doesn't have the world commenting.

I mean, what does your relationship look like right now? Like how often are you talking? You're not even living in the same city. Like what does a day to day look like for Kendall and Nicole? We only talk occasionally. I think because I've been very upset. Like there's been a few instances that have happened since we've gotten the villa. So it's not like I'm texting him every

day, good morning, what'd you eat for breakfast? Like we're not on those terms. I've told him I wanted to work on it. And I think we've both been very busy with the reunion and everything. Like now we have that time, like there's nothing else planned to kind of figure out, like, how to work through it. I just really don't have the answer and I wish I did. I don't know how to get through it. And it pisses me off. Well, why? I mean, why does it piss you off? Because it's not how I wanted it to be.

Like, I wanted it to come out and I knew there, I knew there was gonna be shit. Even the shit that has happened, I don't really care. I just, like, wish he could have handled things differently and been honest with me. happened, I don't really care. I just wish he could have handled things differently and been honest with me. I feel like once trust is broken, I learned this is my last relationship, it's really hard to get back. It is, but it's also not impossible.

But to fix it, you need to believe at least that that person is willing to come clean. You need to feel it. And we all have our instincts, and your instincts are telling you one thing, willing to come clean, you need to feel it. And we all have our instincts, and your instincts are telling you one thing, and you're not kind of, you're not listening. You know? I'm really good at doing that.

Um, listen, it's very relatable, but it's just like, yeah, to heal from mistrust, you really have to see that that person gets it. You know? And you can tell when someone is just saying something because they're trying to get out of trouble versus you're talking to someone who just like, finally is just like, I fucked up

and I wish I could take it back and I wish I could. I know I can't and I'm willing to do anything I can. And even then like, he's never said any of that to me And that's literally I told him this when we last talked I literally said if I was in your shoes, and you told me you've been this down bad You haven't been this down bad since your last relationship and every day's been shit for you I would be like holy fuck like what can I do to fix this? I am so sorry

You know like I'm willing to do anything. It's not, that's not how he responds though. Like I told him that and he's literally like, but can you not, you need to give me grace. Can you not see where I'm coming from? I'm trying. Like how can you not, we just need to move past this together. And I'm like, I don't have to do shit.

Don't tell me that I need to do anything. You've done something, it's affected me. I don't have to make a decision based off your actions in a timely manner that's like convenient for you. And also what must be frustrating is because when it first came out and he first set you down, you could have handled that a million different ways. And it sounds like you handled it in the pot,

best pot of the way. I was still pretty understandable, like understanding. Where you were like, it's fine, I get it, I've been there, I've sent some nudes, like whatever, like how did it look? You know, like did it look hot? You know, like whatever, you know? Like you gave them grace. I mean, that was like, a lot of people in your shoes

wouldn't have done that. Like a lot of people would have immediately been like, I'm fucking out, like regardless of the nude. Knowing about what's to come from it, right? And even if they've sent the nude, and like most people aren't quick to been like, I'm fucking out, regardless of the nude. Knowing about what's to come from it, right? And even if they've sent the nude, and most people aren't quick to be like, well, I've done this too,

most people don't express that self-awareness in the moment, and you did. Yeah. And yet, he's still playing, and again, what happened to him is terrible. Revenge porn of any kind, it's inappropriate, it sucks, but when shit hits the fan, as far as you two are concerned,

like Kendall doesn't owe the public or us anything, but for someone who, he came to you and got you to open up, he painted a picture of you can be vulnerable with me, you can trust me, this is a safe space. I was really impressed, like honestly, like watching you guys fall in love, I wasn't exactly like team Nicole and team Kendall at first, I was like, eh, whatever, like, you know,

they're quirky and whatever, but the more people I asked about you guys, people were just like, no, they seem to have a lot in common, you know, like they're goofy together, they both like Star Wars, I think someone told me and shit like that. And I was really impressed when Kendall was like,

hey, listen, I know I've said this to you, but no pressure. Like I'll wait as long as you can. And that's a very mature thing to say. Something I've never had from any guy I've ever dated. And that's why I said he's different from a lot of the guys I'd met, I thought at the time. Like I've never had that understanding from someone

or someone who made it seem like such a safe place to open up. And like, you know, he was all for me. I don't doubt his feelings for me. I've never had that understanding from someone or someone who made it seem like such a safe place to open up. And like, you know, he was all for me. I don't doubt his feelings for me. That is a good feeling too. But now I feel like everything's been twisted, you know? I think that's why, like thinking of it now,

like that's why I think I'm so pissed. Because I kind of forget how good it was in the villa, how easy he did make it to open up. And I told him, like, I would laugh too. I'd be like, I would would open up and tell him something, I'd be like, that's all you're getting. Because I don't do that a lot. It's like he started off so strong being like,

hey, we need to have a conversation. We've got to talk about this. And then to lie and not even tell you the actual truth. Now our conversations are so different. Yeah, I can imagine. I feel like to make it work, you have to see that he's going to put in the work to be what you need and to be what you deserve and to be the man that he was in the villa. And I don't know, I think, and this could be on me, like I don't want to take my past

out on him, but like like I feel like his way of Making it up like recently. It's just more like You know doing those grand like it's just I just feel like it's not genuine like I'll do anything I'll fly to SAC to get a coffee with you and I'm like I Just told you I'm busy for the weekend before we leave for New York and I have shit to do like now if I say no Like that looks bad on me, you know, like I'm turning you down. Like it shouldn't be that way.

We can just have a phone call or like. Did you ever tell him the good doesn't make up for the bad? No, that's a good one though. Let me write that down. That's a good one, I've never used that. I think we all have a past. We've all done things we regret. We've all made mistakes.

We've all, and I think, you you know when Nick and I started dating there was a whole like alright fuck I gotta tell them all the shit. I've been through all that you know like there there comes a point I think in every relationship when you want to take that next step And it's like about being vulnerable, and it's about being like I made mistakes. I fucked up This isn't who I am today, but this is the shit I've been through, this is the shit I've done. And it feels like that conversation just wasn't ever

really had with the two of you. And how do you tell someone that you should be having it? Do you get what I'm saying? Yeah, no, exactly. That's where I've been just very stuck. I don't know if you can teach someone that's what's needed in a relationship. Well, it's not your job.

Not my job. Which is kind of like you pointed out when we first started talking. And that makes me kind of sound like a bitch, but like it's not my job. No, it's not. That doesn't make you sound like a bitch at all. I mean, if I were to be critical of you,

you're almost just contradicting yourself because you say you don't want to be someone's coach and you say you don't want to, you know, teach a guy. And then I'm sitting there like, come on, Kendall, say this to me. Yeah. I think it's though because I know guys, I'm telling you, I have my own shit.

I just feel like I do see the good in him. I know I wanna pull it out. Yeah, but someone can be a good person, just not good for you. That's also very true. Are you afraid that if, is there a party that's maybe protecting him? No.

I think I was the first couple weeks getting out because I didn't want to make things worse for him, but then I realized he didn't really have the same respect for what I was going through. So I can't really protect someone forever. It's not my burden to bear in a way. The only thing that doesn't register for me hearing everything you've told us about Kendall,

I'm not going back in my head, is the whole club thing. Because to me, that's a recklessness. It's just more like, what are you thinking? What is going on? Okay, with everything that's happened, aren't you gonna be just a little bit more cautious? I know it's like to have come off a reality TV show and not be aware of my surroundings, be naive, be stupid.

Like literally when I got done filming The Bachelor, I was like fucked up in my head, all emotional. I got my phone back, I called my parents, I'm on an airplane, I'm whispering, and it turned out some fucking super fan recognized me. And I'm not famous, it's not like Love Island, you don't come off the show famous. But it's still, you're getting recognized.

I didn't realize that. And it all got- Because the show hadn't even aired yet. It hadn't aired. And so like, I'm a nobody. Someone was listening to your conversation. Yeah, and someone aired it and fucking got all over the internet and like kind of spoiled the ending and shit like that.

So the TV, you know, and so, but you know what I did from that point on? Fucking learned. You never did it again. And it's learned. Yeah, you're just like. And it's kind of like, he's already had that moment of like shit, like, you know, I gotta not walk on eggshells, but I think the same way, like, I don't wanna like have a big head, but like, I'm very,

it's weird when you're outside. And I do think about, when I went to the club, I wasn't even like really sitting next to my guy friends or talking to like people who wanna take pictures with me, because I don't know how it's gonna be portrayed. I'm being mindful again of how it's going to look on me and how it's going to look on Kendall. Whether or not these girls came up to you,

because now he's saying he never even talked to them, whether you didn't kick them out of the booth, whether you didn't, it happened. So like you can go about it and fix it, but I think you also need, you just do have to be more conscious. It's like you have to take some accountability and like move a certain way after Love Island. You have to. Papa Murphy's Triple Pep Pizza is

the perfect harmony of three different types of pepperoni all together on one delicious take-and-bake pizza. Like our mini-cup pepperoni, it's a little cup of crunch in every bite. And our classic pepperoni, the go-to all-time favorite pizza topping. And don't forget our giant pepperoni. It's perfect for the biggest pepperoni lovers. So order Papa Murphy's limited time triple pet pizza for just $12.99 today. I think you need to confront him about the Raya thing.

And like, and be like, bless his balls a little bit more. Well, it's just like, you- I've never been on, just so you guys know, I've never, I've been on Hinge and that's it. And I would never send a new. I mean, I know that. It's the same concept though, right? But he has to be like approved, right?

Like, don't you have to be a public figure to be on the show? Yeah, yeah. You have to either get, you have to like, have a certain following or you, I think someone on. I don't even know for sure if he's even on Raya. Give me a try. Well, I can, well. Let me get an he's even on Raya? Give me a try. Well, I can, well.

Let me get an invite. Someone on Raya, send me an invite because you only can be invited from someone on the show. When people listen, they'll do their homework. But that's not really the point, right? It doesn't really matter whether it's Raya or whatever. No, again, I hope that's not a lie because that would be, again, a dumb lie.

But the point is you know it's a lie. You believe it's a lie. And so you're just friend to friend here. You're doing yourself a disservice by choosing to believe it when deep down you know it's not. Because like what is- But what else am I gonna believe? I don't know.

I don't know who the fuck. And I think what I personally think, if I'm being honest, he sent that to someone he was talking to before the show in the hotel room, because he missed them. And they got mad that he went on the show and they leaked it.

Again, not okay. Fucked up. I don't think someone on a dating app would feel the need to do that. Maybe. And even honestly. But I feel like I'm never really gonna know the truth. So why am I gonna grab my gears about it?

But also, yeah, there's no point in her going to him and being like. He's not gonna tell me. Press, press, press, press, press. It's like she's in a place where she's gotta believe, she's gotta trust that what he's telling her is the truth, whether like. Yeah, but you can't.

But now I can't believe him because he hasn't told me the truth. So what the fuck am I still doing here? It's true. It's a lot of shots. Listen, my point is, it's like, I don't think you should waste your energy trying to get the truth out of someone you know

that you're not gonna get the truth from. I get what you're saying. But you're choosing to stay in this relationship, which is like, I'm not gonna judge you for like fighting for something. I'm always someone who's, if you could criticize me in relationships, I definitely stayed in them way too long.

But the benefit of that is I have no regrets. Like no matter what, like any relationship, long-term relationship I had, like I definitely suck it out way longer than I should. And I have some regrets to that, but I have no regrets about like, did I do my best? Did I do everything I could? And so I can leave with that, but at the same time for you,

like if you're gonna give it a shot, there's no point in you giving a shot if you can tell yourself, I know this isn't true. My gut's telling me that it's not true, so you just choosing to let it go is you're doing yourself a disservice. So it's like, if you don't feel like you can get to the truth with someone,

there's no relationship to save. I'm almost, I think in a way, I will be partially to blame for that because that's not fair to be with someone I think you don't fully trust. I'm gonna, trust me guys, I've been going back and forth in this a lot in my head. I think it's a really hard situation.

You literally remind me of my stepdad so much because that's exactly what he would tell me. Like why are you trying to savor something with someone that you don't, like it's just, you know, I don't know. I'm, it's hard though. Because you see the good in them. It's really, I get it.

It's really hard. But it'll eat you up inside. The good doesn't, what'd you say? The good doesn't make up for the bad. The good does them. It's really high. I get it. It's really high. It'll eat you up inside. The good doesn't, what'd you say? The good doesn't make up for the bad. The good does not make up for the bad. I said this, I remember, it reminded me of an ex-girlfriend. Great girl, you know, we broke up

and it was one of those relationships where like we still shared friends. Mm-hmm, well that's nice. Well, sure, and it was somewhat amicable, but we just kept hanging out with each other. Oh no. You know? That's an ugly.

So you know, you'd hook up and you get, and like when we broke up, we were just fighting so much. So it was like, for the most part mutual. But like, I had been in other long-term relationships and I had a little bit more relationship experience for that. So I just at that point was like, I came from a relationship where we broke up, get back together, broke up, get back together.

So I was just like not willing to do that unless I felt like something was gonna be different. And I remember we were at a wedding together after we were broke up. And we had great chemistry. We were boyfriend and girlfriend for a long time. And even my friends who didn't know us, but friends I had met after we had broken up

and we had run into each other, like man, you guys, you can see the chemistry. And I remember her saying at the wedding, she's like, we're like, we're just, we have so much fun together. And I was like, yeah, no, I know. We do. But there's the other side of this relationship

that it's exhausting and it's tiring and we butt heads and like we're just, we're not happy. And like just because we can be happy when it's good, we're only having chemistry now because we're not together because we're not dealing with all the shit we have to deal with in a relationship. So like it's easy to not see each other for three weeks or whatever long it was, go to a wedding

where everyone's talking about love and dancing and we get back into our routine, but like that's not a relationship. And it's easy, I feel like that's what I did in my last relationship a lot because we had, we were so happy together and like having that time apart too, it's like shit can never really hit the fan. That's not what I want.

I want something steady, I want something like supportive, like that feels good all the time. Not so many highs and lows, more right, like just a constant good feeling. It's easy. Yeah. Yeah. And I don't I don't it's hard to I think I think I'm at a point to like I want to try because once I break, I'm not going back and forth anymore. If I break up with someone, we're done. Right. So I want to make sure before I do anything drastic,

when I'm very emotional, coming off of the villa, like don't really even know what the fuck I'm doing with my life. I don't wanna make a drastic decision. And also I'm just pissed because I shouldn't have to make a decision. That's the situation now, so. What do you mean you don't,

you shouldn't have to make a decision? I shouldn't have to make a decision on whether we should be together or not. Why not? I would push back on that. Really? Because- Well, I mean, a to make a decision. I shouldn't have to make a decision on whether we should be together or not. Why not? I would push back on that. Really? Because... Well, I mean, a decision is a relationship to people. And I'm cool to do it. I'm just saying, okay, maybe, okay, I don't like being in that situation then.

I don't want it to have to be that way. It's unfair that you are in that situation. Is that better? That's fair. Because I'm thinking rules of reverse, right? If I fucked up and I put now a person in a situation who had to make the choice if they wanna stay with me or not,

I would just say that I would never wanna put someone in that position, but it happens. Yeah. I've fucked up in relationships, like I'll own it, but I would never beg someone to like see my side or like say they have to like stay with me now. Has Kendall said that to you? Yeah. Like what exactly has he said it and in what context?

Like these hard times we have to fight through together. Like we need to see this through, right? Like we can't just give up on it now. Is it, are you like pressure almost when he's saying that? Yeah, it seems, and I told him like, it's been pissing me off too because we both talked to the people we were in the villa with, but like, they were like, well, he's at least trying.

You're not talking to him every day. I'm like. How is he trying? By checking in. Saying he'll fly to get a cup of coffee. He only started checking in on me after I made a post on Instagram. I want that to be known, which, whatever.

Wait, so you're, I mean, we haven't heard from you at all except you had one cryptic post being like, hey. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, the cryptic post. After I posted that, he checked it on me. So wait, except you had one cryptic post being like, hey. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, the cryptic post. After I posted that, he checked it on me. So wait, so you're telling me that, like, when we got to talk to Kendall a few weeks back, after Universal Studios, when you guys didn't really talk.

I told him to, I did say I need to think about some things. Like, you know, like, I'm not going back to Dallas with you, is what I said, because that was the plan originally. Okay. And then he took it, well he's like, I knew you were pissed at me, I didn't think you wanted to talk to me. I told him how down bad I was. That doesn't mean I don't want to talk to you.

I'm just not going back to Dallas with you. Your partner can say, I need some space, and you can give them space and still say, hey I'm here when you need. Thank you. How are you doing? Thank you. Is today the day we get to talk?

You know, like, I'm glad to see you. But then he sees my post, he's like, oh, I should probably check on her, right? Cause this is like a public thing. Like, no, bro. What is Kendall's relationship history? I don't really know either. Lie to me about that, no.

According to him, now he's had one serious girlfriend. He just, he gives very... He hasn't had a lot of relationship experience, which not a lot of people like in your 20s do. Again, I'm not gonna fault him for that, but. Oh yeah, I mean. I don't know if I want, I've been, I've done that with a guy, right?

I don't know, I feel like I'm pretty, I've gotten a little more level-headed in relationships. I don't know if I want to do that again with a guy. It feels like Kendall's successfully been able to make you feel like the world's against him. He's down bad and you're the only person he can turn to. And now it feels like you can't do what you need to do, which is maybe choose yourself because you would be

alienating him. Yeah. And I think, I think that could be what he's doing. I mean, and I look at it as the way I don't really care about what it looks like, but I don't want to alienate him because I know he's still going through it. I mean, I don't know. I don't know.

What is it that you're fighting with? I feel like I get he's going through it again. I don't wanna talk on this because everybody I think handles Trauma differently absolutely like I've been hiding and down bad and sad and some people Shove it away and put on a brave face and smile and act like everything's fine, right? I just don't know if Like I just I don't know I don't trust him and it sucks. I am the type of person who I compartmentalize. So anytime something bad happened to me or I did something bad, I'd put it in a box

and then I'd close the box and I'd live outside of that box. And I'd be like, that actually never happened to me. That's so crazy. Yeah. And I was the one who like would put on a brave face and would act like everything's fine. I think if you want to work this out with Kendall, I think there is a potential of there being a future

if he's willing to just be kind of- We're gonna have to go through it. You're gonna have to go through it and it's gonna be hard and you're gonna have to work on it and he's gonna have to be honest and it's gonna be really hard. But I think there's a possibility. Maybe it is just, you know know like he's embarrassed he sent some

video to some girl he didn't fucking know on Riot. Maybe that is the truth and maybe you'll never fully know. I don't think I'm gonna fully know. You might not. Maybe one day but again I don't know if I can. But also like hell that could be that could be fucking embarrassing you know he's like I don't know this girl is like hey send me a crazy ass fucking embarrassing. He's like, I don't know, this girl was like, hey, send me a crazy ass fucking video. And he was like, okay, I will. And maybe he's like, fuck, I'm embarrassed as fuck, I shouldn't have done that.

And maybe that is the secret, maybe that's the truth. And who are we to sit here and be like, you're definitely in a position where you can say, I don't know, I don't believe you, I know who you are, and why are you being so weird? Why didn't you come clean about this in the first place? The fact that you can say you don't trust him, and he's, unfortunately you caught him

in a bunch of small lies. Yeah, it's been hard. And again, I think it's just kind of everything that you're, the picture you're painting, there's a reason why people lie. You know what scares me though, because hopefully, I don't know if you guys will put this on, I love my sister.

She just went through a divorce. We all love this guy. Like literally the best guy. She found out he was cheating on her with like 15 different girls. Do you not want us to put this in there? Yeah, you can. But because my point is like,

we all thought he was the most genuine guy. Like we loved him. And then- The squeaky clean ones. Saw the shit hit the fan. But again, like unfortunately you don't, you won't know until you know. Lying sucks and lying crushes a relationship

but it really comes, like I said, if there's a path forward, you gotta see the path. Yeah. And right now, I tell a lot of people because we do talk a lot about relationships on this show, and I always say, if all you have is hope, then you don't have much at all, because hope in a relationship

is a signal of what you don't have. And when it comes to a relationship, you don't want to be hoping a lot. Dude, that's why I was in a relationship for seven years. I'm like, but, if we can get through this, it will be all rainbows and butterflies. If this could seven years. I'm like, but if he just, we can get through this, it will be all rainbows and butterflies. If this could just happen, I'm hopeful. Like that's such a good point.

Do you feel love by him every day, every moment of every day? Or even cared for? No. Considered even? No. I know he, I know, I think his feelings for me are true. Like I don't doubt that.

I don't doubt that he cares for me However, you don't caring, huh? You're not feeling it right now No, and it's like you can care for someone but I also think like just because you feel it you still have to put in The work and you your actions do mean a lot Kendall knew you were coming here today. What what was his expectations or what? conversations did you guys have about like What you were gonna talk about? He didn't want me to talk on the reunion or this about him lying to me about stuff.

Why? He told me because you know. I mean I get why but like why did. Because we both know what's going on. He's apologetic, he didn't mean it and we're working through it so why does it need to be talked about? Needs to be talked about because you've allowed

a narrative to be painted on my character and I'm not okay with it. I didn't do anything fucking wrong, so I'm talking about it. That's why I told him to shut up. Because I was getting mad. Don't tell me what I can not talk about. Like you are, he does whatever he wants to do

when it comes to that shit, so. Why not The Reunion? I don't know. I think again, it's just so like he knows it's gonna be aired, right? Like people are gonna see that shit. The reunion was hard too, and like I've had talks with people now, but I think a lot of people kind of butt in

and like not back to him, but we're like, Nicole, but like he's apologized to you. Like, yeah, he lied, he fucked up, but he's trying to make it right. And I'm like, yeah, I know, I'm aware. Or like, you know, but he cares for you. I'm like, I know, I'm not questioning that, you guys. Like, that's not my point.

My point is someone I love has been dishonest with me, and that's hard for me to get over. And seems to continue to be. I mean, your instincts tell you that. And you've had multiple occasions in a short period of time of him not being completely transparent, or like avoiding the truth, you know, You know, what's honestly the difference. And so you have this, and you can keep saying

I don't trust him, and so you're almost having this internal battle with yourself. Yeah, that's why I think I haven't been posting. I just don't, it's been a lot. Like, I don't know why I can't figure this out. So for other people listening and they're like, Nicole, what the fuck, just break up. Like, just save yourself the emotional energy.

Hey, then you go break up with the toxic relationship you've been in. See how easy it is. No, I'm kidding. It's not easy, but. I think. It can't be any harder than what you're putting yourself through day in and day out.

I don't know. I wish, I think it's just. Think of it like the stomach flu. You've had the stomach flu before? Yeah, fuck yeah. Right, like remember when you were a kid and you just sat by the toilet and you're like. And I don't like throwing up either,

so I'll like try and hold it in. Yeah, exactly. But then when you let it out, you feel better. You're avoiding the throw up. Yeah, I don't wanna throw up. But you know, as bad as a throw up is, that you will feel better after. But right now, you're as a throw up is, that you will feel better after. But right now, you're just sitting in the discomfort

of that stomach ache. Yeah. There's like a discomfort and there's like a sense of still like, you know, everything's okay, right? Until like, you purge it out and it sucks, but then it gets better. I think I'm just still. And who, and now this unsolicited,

who gives a fuck how many people you've said I love you to? Oh yeah, sorry, Yeah, that's true. I don't even know how many. Sorry. Really? Oh, I was the bachelor. You know, I mean, like, listen, I think when we're younger, we, you know, I'm only going to do this once as if like doing it once makes it more important or more special. It's just like, yeah, great. Yeah. You know, I don't.

You didn't get around. Yeah, Kendall told me he only wanted to be married once and waited to have sex. We all only wanna be married once. Of course, or certain things. I only wanna, I think I just meant it as like, I've had two big men in my past that I really, really loved and I did tell them, right?

And it's just. But they were kind of pieces of shit. Yeah, again, I have a bad picker. It's okay, we've all had bad pickers. Uh huh. Yeah. Yeah. Well what are you gonna do about it now? I think I'm just gonna try and be patient with myself.

Like not, I think when I start nitpicking and like trying to make sense of everything that happens, I like go in a downward spiral. I think now I just need to like, trying to make sense of everything that happens, I like go in a downward spiral. I think now I just need to like, I've had some time out of the villa, I've had some time to chill and think and talk to Kendall, and like, I think I just need to put myself first. And that sounds awful.

But that's the thing, it doesn't though. Really? I think it sounds bad, because I want to be there for him. But he hasn't, I would always be there for someone until like you kind of aren't there for me. Like, you know, like you have done wrong by me and like I deserve better than this shit. Yeah. It's true. And also like you had, I mean, it's cliche and people say it, but you really,

you can't take care of someone until you take care of yourself first. Yeah, I agree with that. And you seem reluctant to take care of yourself. Yeah, I've been trying, but I haven't fully done it because I've been having to take care of this other person in my life, which I don't know. It's hard too, you guys. We've built such a close group too,

I think, in the villa with everyone, and I know whatever I choose, it changes that. And I've grown a lot. I don't stay in relationships for those reasons anymore. I just there are going to be things that happen. And let me just say this, me putting myself first is going to have, I think, a lot of ripple effects that maybe I just don't want to fucking deal with. Like what? What do you mean?

I think my relationship in the villa, like I did get to be close with everyone, but I went in at a different time. And I feel like there's like, you know, we're all friends, but I think like he's closer with those friend groups. I think there is a potential that like, that might go away and that sucks. Like I don't want that to happen. It's out of my control.

I was curious, you know, we're focusing so much about you and Kendall, but like, and we love Leah and we love Janae and we love Serena, but like the PPG is like, they're very close. And sometimes if you're not in the group, you can feel very much out of the group. It always kinda felt like you were like,

kinda part of the group, but not part of the group group. Yeah, and even not like with PPG, like even living in Kailor, right? I think some people in there made really, really, really close friendships, which is amazing. That's not a bad thing, and I don't need to like be a part of that. Like, I'm close with all the girls, like we're friends.

I think Kendall's also really close with them too, right? It's like when you go through a breakup and friends kind of pick sides, and I think it's even with the boys too, like... I mean, you spray tanning with Kayla. Exactly. But I'm not gonna, I'm like super chill in the fact of like, I don't want anyone to have to pick sides.

I just hope that I'm somehow not taking the shit into the stick in this situation when I really didn't do anything I'm losing everyone. Yeah, because I've finally come out and talked about it or something. Like it's just it's so As much as you're struggling with making a decision of what to do with Kendall you don't seem like you with making a decision to do with Kendall, you don't seem like you have a lot of anger towards him. I mean, you're angry, I shouldn't say that, but you really wanna see the good in him. If you decided to move on from this relationship, now I don't know how Kendall would handle it,

but there's a world where you could say, Kendall, I don't think I can be with you with everything that's happened. But as a person, I will always care about you and I am here for you. And I'm, I feel like I get a sense from you that you would be willing, you could be his friend. I don't know if he could be yours.

Is that accurate? Yeah, I think so. I would still be there for him because I think I'm gonna be there for anyone after what we just went through. It is a lot, right? I think we all need to be there for each other. In a normal situation, the guy does me dirty,

I'm like, blah. But I think this has just been such a special situation and I do care for him a lot and it's not how I wanted things to go. Doesn't mean I'm just gonna leave him in the dirt and be like, go figure it out, right? I care for him as a person. And if he really needs me, I'm there.

Do you still love him? And I don't mean like, yes you care for him as a person, and you love him as a person, but do you feel that in love feeling? Our last talk, like I was with him, I'm like, this fucking sucks, because all I wanna do, it's why I'm also proud of myself.

I think that love can be very overwhelming. Like it would be so easy for me in that moment to just hug him, cuddle him. I wanna do like all these things, and then you forget about everything else. And I'm like, it sucks. Because I do love him so much, and I just wanna be with him.

But I think I'm growing as a person, and maybe having a little more self-respect for myself, because I'm not going to overlook everything that's happened, just because I love him. How do you think you're gonna get your answer? Whatever your answer? Whatever your answer is. I don't know. I don't know either.

I don't know. I don't know you guys. I'm hoping that now that the reunion's done and like there's not all this shit going on, I'm hoping maybe I can like see more from him or like see. I don't know though. I feel like he showed me who he is. Maybe he'll listen to this and he'll do all the things.

Yeah, let's see what his reaction is to this. He'll do all the things you're saying that he needs to do. And I just don't. Exactly, yeah. Oh, but I can't say or say that when I'm literally doing it, so I don't know. My worry for you as a friend, and I like to consider as friends even though,

is that like, you don't know what you need to happen. You're just kind of hoping he does a bunch of things. You don't want to have to tell him how to do it. And then you just know that if you were to break up with him, how difficult that's going to be. You have the benefit of being long distance. And I'm afraid for you that you'll be like, well, I can just.

I'll be too hopeful. You know, I guess it's you that you'll be like, well I can just. Well being too hopeful. You know, I guess it's not that hard to stay with him even though we're like, because we're not even hanging out that much. It's almost like a title that you guys have and that feels almost easier than ripping the bandaid off or throwing up. Yeah, I think that's in any relationship too, right?

Like that hope. You're very good with your words. What's your zodiac sign? Libra. Same. Why are you way more logical than I am? I'm a little older. I've had a lot more therapy, I'm guessing. Sign me up.

I've made a shit ton of mistakes and I've had to learn the hard way and I've had to through my own personal, just like self preservation to be honest. In some ways, I've seen my mistakes in you, and that feeling of wasting college or feeling like love is enough, and my stubbornness, my ego, like what does this say about me if I get it wrong,

and all these things. And I've, I felt very stuck in relationships and I had to realize that most of my decisions that I was making about relationships had nothing really to do with love and had nothing really to do with finding the thing I claimed that I wanted for myself in relationship. It was, you know, a lot of my ego,

a lot of it was to not look embarrassed, a lot of it was to save myself from whatever it was, and I just had to really learn the hard way. And again, this is after years of fucking up. Dude, I'm literally in that learning process. I've lost friends over it, because I would just, oh, I'll just,

you know, I would always wanna talk about my feelings and as long as, if I felt sad about it, I felt justified. That's a crazy statement. I think a lot of people feel that way. You know, and I had to learn, I had to teach myself that like, you almost like, you get used to the sadness, you get used to the pain, and sometimes like letting that go is the hardest part

because then it's really over. It's familiar, that's the familiar thing. And then you're like, it's gone, you're like, oh, this is weird, this is not normal. And then your ego's kinda like, well, see, you're strong enough to deal with this. And you know, like, oh, you should, you know, your ego feels sorry for you in ways.

But yeah, it's just, so yeah, just for my own fuck ups. It's not, that's not some wisdom or anything like that. It's just, I got tired of making the same mistakes over and over and over and over again. And I just have a few more years on you. Yeah, I think I'm in that. I think I'm making a lot of the same mistakes I have, but I think I've learned a lot

and I think I still have a lot to learn when it comes to relationships Obviously I want to fucking love Island. I'm singles right like I was like did not know what I was doing I'm honestly less interested in what Kendall thinks about this episode and I'm more interested about what you will think about after you listen To it back. No, I literally feel like you guys have like made me I've talked to really close people in my life about the situation You guys have made me look at this in a different light. And I think it is cool too, right? Cause like you can have these conversations with someone,

like a family member and they like spit all this truth at you and you don't really remember it. Like I'll be able to watch this back. I'm gonna have to hold myself accountable too, you know? I think you can only, and again, like people say in relationships for a lot of reasons, but after my long one, I was like low key, I'm like, I'm fucking accepting this shit. Like, I'm not to blame for what's happened,

but I have the choice to move on, so if I stay, like, I'm allowing it to keep happening. You know what I mean? So I also don't want to be in that position again. But it's so early on with me and Kendall, so I think that's why I'm like, could it get better? The hope is crazy. That's gonna stick with me now.

Hope's a dangerous thing in relationships. Oh God. You want some more? Yeah, can I? So you gotta stop asking why and start asking yourself what. So what I mean by that is like when things happen to us, it's like why?

Why did this happen? Why did you do this to me? I can't believe this happened to me. How could this have happened? How could you have done this? And then we try to explain it. We try to make ourselves feel better. Yeah, it makes sense of it.

And you have to say, what happened? What happened? He lied. How does this make me feel? And what happened? He kept lying. What happened? I still don't trust him.

And sometimes you just have to see it for what it is. And I think you can still care about the guy and you can still be there as a friend to him. It's up to him how much he wants to allow that to happen, but you can make a decision for yourself and still say, I'm gonna be there for you as a friend and stand by your side. And if you need to talk, I'm gonna be there for you as a friend and stand by your side and if you need to talk, I'll be here and if the world's judging you, I won't.

I can't give my heart to you anymore because I really don't trust you and I know I can't be in a relationship with you, certainly right now because it seems like you have shit to figure out, but I can be your friend and I won't alienate you. Now again, I don't know what he's gonna say, but like you could do that.

I think you should be like a relationship counselor. Actually, can you say that again and let me just write it down and then he'll- It's on record, yeah. Yeah, just watch it back. That's so true though. Yeah, you're gonna be great in whatever you do. You're gonna thrive.

Where I think everyone is really rooting for just your happiness. And if that's with Kendall, we're rooting for it. If it's without Kendall, we're also rooting for it. And I think, you know, only you know what the relationship actually is, what it's like behind closed doors. And you know Kendall, where I think we're all kind of waiting to see what your future holds,

but we're rooting for you regardless. Thank you guys. You're on the journey with me. We're on the journey with me. We're on the journey. Just do me one favor. To be continued, okay, what? Just don't accept not feeling like you don't know the truth.

Like don't accept a lie. You know? But I tell Kayla all the time too, I need to take my own goddamn advice. You know, and if you don't feel like you can get the truth, that is information, you need to do something with it, but don't you don't feel like you can get the truth, that is information you need to do something with it, but don't just, well I can't get the truth, so I'll just choose to pretend to believe.

Not do yourself any good. No, your body will tell you what the truth is. I think I complicate a lot of things too, and I feel like you've simplified a lot of it. Like the whole why and what, or it's like yeah, I don't trust him now, but can I just like look at the facts? And I do know how I feel.

It's easy for us to give advice because we're not emotionally invested in the outcome. I know. I love when I'm not like in this spot and I'm in that spot. It's the best. I can give good advice. I need to like also, I think this is when it's important

though to like, yeah, it's emotional, but not to let your emotions get the best of you. Cause I think it can like lead to like long yeah, it's emotional, but not to let your emotions get the best of you because I think it can like lead to like long term damage with shit. Well, we wish you the best. We're regardless of what you decide. It is okay to choose yourself. It's okay to like think of yourself first.

And it doesn't mean you're selfish because honestly, you really can't take care of Kendall unless you take care yourself first. And that goes both ways. So I just I hope for you peace. And it seems like you have a lot to offer. I think most men, speaking from straight men out there who you don't seem like a very reactive person.

I'm a Libra. You seem really calm. And that is a quality that I can tell you, assure you that men really desire, you know, and I think the right guy will know how to actually appreciate that type of quality that you have rather than take advantage of it because right now I think you have found men who have taken advantage of your calmness rather than appreciate it. So that's my final thought.

Thank you. I also think maybe I'm like my final thought. Should I be more reactive then? No, you should trust your gut more. I'm not Thank you. I also think maybe I'm like my final thought. Should I be more reactive then? No, you should trust your gut more. I'm kidding. I'm not going to. I'm kidding.

Real quick, before we go. Nicole, thanks again. Thank you guys. We appreciate your time. Thank you guys for listening. Hopefully you guys enjoyed this episode. I know you did. We will be back tomorrow

for another episode of a reality recap. We'll see you then. Bye.