The Viall Files - E798 Ask Nick - One Night Stands

Episode Date: August 26, 2024

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! We start off the episode with a Written Ask Nick about therapists. Then we get to our callers…  Our first caller can’t unfollow her ex. Our second caller is wondering if she's doing too much on a first date. And, our third caller’s long term boyfriend won't propose to her.   "They're conveniently thinking about all the good, and forgetting the red flags." Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice, send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Altoids - Find Altoids In The Check-Out Aisle! Grab Your Tin Today!  BetterHelp - Get it off your chest, with BetterHelp. Visit https://www.BetterHelp.com/VIALL today to get 10% off your first month. Huggies - Learn More At https://www.Huggies.com  Helix Sleep - Helix is offering up to 25% off all mattress orders AND two free pillows for our listeners! Go to https://www.HelixSleep.com/Viall  Goodr - If you want to support the show and try a pair, goodr is giving The Viall Files listeners Free Shipping! You can go to https://goodr.com/viall and use code VIALL for free shipping. Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @justinkaphillips @dereklanerussell @kymccarthy23 @allisonklemes

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When it comes to needing confidence and security to show up as your original self, Altoids has you covered. They're not just mints, they're curiously strong mints. Find Altoids in the checkout aisles. Grab your tin today. What's going on everybody? Welcome back to another exciting episode of the Vile Files Ask Nick edition. I'm your host, Nick, joined by sweet boy Justin. And boy do we got some great callers lined up for you.

Before we get to our callers, Justin, you got a piece ofars lined up for you before we get to our collars. Justin, you got a piece of paper in front of you. I've written Ask Nick since this is our era of therapy. And last episode we had a lot of collars that you were basically like, well, maybe the solution is getting a new therapist. And we had someone write in basically asking how to pick the right therapist. She writes in saying, Listening to your most recent Ask Nick with the girl who may need to change her therapist,

it pushed me to finally write in. I've had a therapist for the past year and I feel like we are no further along than we were when I started. Now I'm sure the obvious answer is to switch and get a new one, but I feel like part of why I started seeing someone was due to my fight or flight abilities after a tragic event. I'm very good at being able to compartmentalize my emotions and think logically in situations when most people would break down. That said, I'm sure it lives inside me somewhere and I really need a good therapist who's going to bring it out in me because I can easily present being very okay on the surface.

My therapist doesn't push me at all and definitely feels like I'm fine so we spend most calls talking about BS. Waste of time and money. I'm mainly hesitant to find a new one because I don't think I know how to go about finding the right person and don't want to waste another year with another wrong one. Any advice on how to pick slash find the right therapist? Thank you.

Yeah, this is a great question. I don't know if I have the right answer. So I'm just kind of, I'm shooting from the hip here. I think one is trust your instincts. You know, early in this writer in his letter, it's like I've been working for a year I'm shooting from the hip here. I think one is trust your instincts. Early in this writer-in-s-letter, it's like I've been working for a year and I feel like we haven't got any further. I don't specifically remember,

I mean I remember the calls that I questioned maybe if they had the right therapist. It was more like, one, listen to your bot, like listen to yourself. For one, if there's things that you want to address, like part, you know, therapy is only as good as what you're willing to put into it type of thing. So, you know, sometimes, and I feel like I have this problem

in therapy too, I will feel like I'm anxious or I'm going through it, or I have these kind of internal negative thoughts and I think to myself, boy, I really am looking forward to therapy. You know, that'll be like a Wednesday. And then all of a sudden, therapy is, let's say it's a Friday. And I don't know, maybe I just kind of work through it already. And by the time I get to therapy, I feel like I have nothing to talk about or something. It's like, well, this bothered me a couple of days ago, but

yada, yada, yada. So there could be some of that sometimes where maybe you're just like, your therapist only can work with what you present to a certain extent. I think there is some of that, but yeah, you should feel like your therapist challenges you a little bit, you know? And again, like for me, when I started therapy, I started it during the pandemic and honestly, I wasn't like having some kind of breakdown. There wasn't a moment that thought, oh my God, finally needed to address this problem. I honestly was like, I was stuck inside,

like all of us were. I know I had advocated for therapy on the show many times, and I thought, you know what, probably couldn't hurt. I was fortunate enough that I had the means, obviously, to do it. And so luckily, I asked some friends if they knew any good therapists. I got a recommendation, and I really enjoyed Darlene ever since.

So partly I got lucky there, but I will say early on into speaking with her, you know, we identify that, you know, I really struggle with like overthinking and and ruminating and getting stuck in and negative thoughts. And, and part of my problem, again, I didn't go in thinking I had some sort of problem I need to discover, but early on in going to therapy, she kind of pointed out, highlighting what I kind of already knew is how much when I let a negative thought

kind of creep in, how I let that kind of take over. And I stay stuck in this emotion and I wasn't utilizing tools and resources to help myself get unstuck. And so through therapy, I've been able to do that, right? So what used to be me feeling down for a few days and ruminating over thoughts that weren't productive, I've been able to reduce that time to a few minutes or half a day or something and have the self-awareness to get myself out of it that I didn't have

before. And so, you know, from that, I kind of felt like I was getting something out of therapy. And from time to time, Darlene would bring up things that would, you know, especially you guys hear me talk all the time, I'm always giving advice. I think I'm tough to impress. And Darlene would point things out that I couldn't see in myself. Or if she did, she made it safer or easier for me to see. So I felt, especially early on, there were some quote unquote breakthroughs, you know?

And so if you've been in therapy long enough and you can recognize some issues that you have and it doesn't seem like your therapist is picking up on it, that could be a sign that maybe you need a new therapist. If your therapist spends way too much time talking about themselves and their problems, anecdotally, a therapist can bring in a situation that, mean, I've learned enough about Darlene in her life through things, but she's never the focus of the conversation. That was one of the issues, I think, and the caller from this recent episode was that she

was like, I feel like I'm asking my therapist about their life. Yeah. And I think if there's just like, one caller, I think, is the guy who she was dating with the cop or whatever. And she clearly was self-aware enough that she's had some baggage. You know, I think she was talking about attachment styles or things like that. And then my, and I remember like,

have you talked about with this with your therapist? I mean, and so if you can go, even if you're wrong, even if you, you know, maybe you read enough online, it's just like you read about attachment styles and you go in and you talk about like, I just, I have a hard time maintaining relationships. I want to work on that. So like, especially if you know what you're struggling with and you present that to your

therapist, you should feel like, you know, your therapist can guide you down a path. You know, there are a lot of bad therapists out there. I guess what I'm saying is this over a year, there should be a couple like aha moments, you know, like again, I'm not a therapist, but I feel like a lot of people when they call in, there's always this like an aha moment. They're hearing something that they can at least consider something new

that they maybe never considered before. Another way to look at something, another way to consider something. I don't know if any of this is helpful, but I think you do have to trust your instincts. And how to find a good therapist, sometimes a little bit of trial and error, just like dating.

There's no point in just staying with the same therapist. You could just ask her out and try a new therapist. You don't even have to break up your therapist. You can just stop showing up. There is that. You don't need to have a whole conversation with your therapist. Just ghost them. I don't even think it's ghosting.

This is their job. And if your therapist is getting too emotional attached or they require some sort of goodbye from you, that's already a problem. It's just, it is their job. They should be able to disconnect from your session. They have to move on and talk to maybe hopefully multiple people a day if they're successful enough.

But I think, yeah, if you've been in therapy for a period of time and you start therapy not knowing what you should talk about, or you feel like you're still struggling with something, but you're not even comfortable enough to bring it up to your therapist, there's that. Like, are you even comfortable enough with your therapist to be honest with them? Do you find yourself not being fully transparent with your therapist? That could just, Maybe that's not even that they're a bad therapist. Maybe they're just not the right therapist for you. Maybe you don't feel comfortable enough with them.

A therapist isn't like the friend that you just shoot the shit with. Sometimes it is nice to just vent to Darlene. And I'm just like, I'm going to vent for 30 minutes because I'm paying you. This is a safe space. Sometimes sometimes you do that, right. But you should be getting something out of it, you know? And if, if you go to therapy long enough and you're just like, well, I don't feel like I addressed anything, then maybe keep looking, you know, look around. Better help.

Yeah. That's what they're good for. You try to do therapist every day. Or if you want to do more traditional therapy, you know, you will have to like ask around for recommendations. Thankfully the stigma of therapy has been reduced greatly where, and it's been normalized enough that many people are in therapy and hopefully less scary to ask your inner circle about their therapist. Like I'm pretty sure, the person who recommended Darlene is a friend, a very close friend.

I haven't seen, I don't see them, I don't get to see them all that much. But their partner is also, I'm pretty sure Darlene's. Like we don't really talk about it or whatever, and I remember the recommendation, I don't know, so like I guess I have the same therapist as a friend of mine. I don't know, like whatever.

It's never really come up, I've completely forgotten about it, because it's not like, so ask. It's never really come up. I've completely forgotten about it. It's not like, so ask your friends. You can share therapists. You have a point. There's no risk in asking. There's no risk in asking, but ultimately long, very long winded,

and I don't know how helpful this was, is this like check in with yourself. Do you feel like you're getting something out of it? If not, it is okay to look around. You don't owe your therapist anything. What you owe them is to pay them and you're paying them. That's it. It's a professional relationship. A good therapist should know that. They shouldn't be crossing boundaries. I feel like there's a rapport that I have with Darlene, but at the same time, she's still my therapist and it's a professional relationship.

So there should be no fear of moving on from a therapist at all. And if there is one, you should ask yourself why. And there's no harm in like continuing to try new therapists until you feel comfortable. But you should find someone who's willing to accept the challenges that you bring into the table. And you should be able to present, hey, things of like, hey, these are problems I'm having. What are those problems? Are you struggling maintaining relationships?

Maybe it's just like, I never feel like, when I fight with people, I never feel hurt. I don't know what your problem is, but when you think about, write down what you're struggling with, that you seem to be running into the same problems over and over, whatever those are, and bring those, write them down. That could be a thing. I could probably benefit from that. Like when I'm

struggling with something, write it down to remember what that is, you know, because it is easy to forget. It can be, it could be almost like performance anxiety and therapy where you come in, you're like, I feel like I had a lot of things to talk to you about, but in this current moment, I actually like, I'm feeling like I'm okay. And then sometimes you'd be like, oh yeah, I should have asked her about that. You know, fuck, you know, so maybe write things down. But again, what are the problems you're trying to uncover? What are you ruminating over and over about? What is a consistent theme in your life

that you'd like to overcome? Bring those into therapy and see if your therapist is getting you anywhere with those. And if not, look elsewhere, look around. But like relationships, just because you build a rapport with a therapist and you start with them, doesn't mean you have to finish with them.

And also ask yourself if they challenge you too. But if you can sit there and say, I've been talking to this therapist for a year, I don't feel like I'm getting anything out of it. I feel like most sessions we talk about nothing. There is no harm in trying a new therapist, you know, because you shouldn't feel that way after a year of therapy. If you go through five therapists and you feel the same way, maybe there's some looking in the mirror, but I think a good therapist will help you with that. And it shouldn't be that hard to feel, you know, I think the right therapist will make

you feel safe. The right therapist will help challenge you. The help there, you know, if you're willing to be honest with your therapist, just like when people call in, it's just like, all right, let's, I'm just going to listen for a while and try to like ask some questions, see if it resonates with the caller. I'll make some assumptions. I'll make some guesses.

Just so you know, I'm not conducting therapy sessions. I'm not thinking, oh, this is what would a therapist do? I'm just listening to people's stories and offering some advice. But the main point is there should be some kind of breakthrough. And if I could break through with people as not a therapist over Zoom by listening to like 20 minutes of their story. Then a good therapist should be able to do the same. And unfortunately, like, you know,

there's some great therapists out there, but like it almost feels like getting a therapy license is kind of like, is just as easy as getting a bartending license. You know, there are a lot of bad therapists out there. And just because someone went to school to be a therapist doesn't mean They're a good one just because someone has a license to be a therapist doesn't have a good one but unfortunately, sometimes we just have to try them out and

See and and be willing to leave just like in dating, you know Like sometimes you just have to fuck around and find out anyways Let me know in the comments if you think that was any I literally it was shooting from the hip here and Let me know in the comments if you think that was any, I literally was shooting from the hip here. And trust your gut, trust your instincts, ask the right questions, it's okay to leave, it's okay to move on. You should be getting something out of it. A therapist isn't gonna like change your life, so to speak.

It's as simple as, if you can honestly say, I don't think I'm getting anything out of it, maybe your therapist isn't the problem, but you should at least try someone else new to narrow it down to see if it is actually you. You know, there could be that. There you go, yeah. But doing the same thing over and over,

we know that that's not getting you anywhere. So if nothing else, maybe address with your therapist, it's like, hey, I don't feel like I'm getting anything out of it. You know, have an honest conversation with your therapist. And maybe your therapist will be like, well, what do you want to get out of it? Ask yourself, what do you want to get out of therapy?

But you do have to come in with something that you want to, what are you struggling with on a regular basis? What's bothering you on a regular basis? What makes you feel stuck often and consistently? Ask yourself those questions and then bring those into therapy and see if you can get anything out of your therapist. Hopefully that's helpful.

We got some great calls for you today. Before we do, send in those questions at asknickofthevilefiles.com for all your Ask Nick questions. We got a great week lined up for you. We got reality recap on Tuesday and Thursday this week. Yeah, you will want to check it out. We'll be having lots of fun and hopefully you'll be having a lot of fun along with us. It's time to get to our callers. What's your time with Nick? Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going?

It's going good. My name is Monet. I am 27, and I just can't seem to unfollow my ex. How long has this person been your ex? It's been a while now. It's been about two years. Oh my ex. How long has this person been your ex? It's been a while now. It's been about two years. Oh my god. It's been a while. It's not a new breakup.

Probably should have happened already, but again, I just can't bring myself to do it. So you've been broken up for two years. How much contact have you had with this person? Zero contact. We broke up and after that, he said he needed a little bit of time. And then after that, I definitely tried to reach out, but it kind of went nowhere.

And so I gave up and then it's just been that way ever since pretty much. I did reach out a couple of months ago because I was just thinking about him and I just said, I hope you're doing good. It had been almost a year since I'd even tried to reach out. So yeah, I did that. And then he did message back and said, I hope you're doing good too, but that's been it and we don't talk at all. Other than that, I don't want to push the situation and I don't want to get answers and, you know, bother him.

So why'd you break up? So we didn't date for long. What ended up happening was it was kind of like a whirlwind romance. I feel like I kind of fell hard and fast and maybe on my end, I didn't really see if the red flags that I should have. So that's my bad. But, um, he actually is the one that broke it off with me. Um, he said that, and his reasoning was was is that he just didn't feel like he deserved

me. And I guess he does have like a history of self sabotaging relationships. So I think that's why it ultimately fell apart. But that is what he says is that he just doesn't feel like he was deserving of me at the time. Well, I would disagree with your statement. That's not why it fell apart. But that is the reason why you're having a hard time letting go. Yeah. Do you understand why I'm saying that? I don't know. Maybe it's just because I wasn't able to get the closure that I felt like I needed at the time.

And that's why I'm kind of having to let it go. To a certain degree. Yeah. I mean, he did the thing. Like he gave you kind of a cliche line, right? But he also gave you hope, I don't deserve you. I don't think anyone in the history of relationships ever actually broke up with someone selflessly because they didn't deserve them. I mean, I know a lot of people are gonna disagree with that. But like, I just, I think the majority of the time

when people say, I'm breaking up with you because I don't deserve you, it's mostly bullshit. Knowing that for whatever reason, it's hard to break up with someone, it's hard to end something because you don't want to hurt them, you don't wanna see them cry. And that's the thing,

even if you don't even care about hurting their feelings, it's awkward to even see someone cry or you don't wanna be the bad guy. So in that moment, it's like awkward to even see someone cry or you know, you don't want to be the bad guy. So in that moment, it feels like the nice thing to say things like, I don't deserve you, you're better off without me. Uh, it's not you, it's me, et cetera, et cetera. You know, I have to work on myself. I have, I, I self-sabotage and all those things.

When people say that to you you're thinking well I can help or let me fix this or no I do deserve you or yada yada what did I do to make you feel this way you know again these are all things that like are hope but I doubt very much that that's the actual reason why he ended it. I agree and I think that I kind of clocked that eventually. I mean, it's been two years, so I've definitely had some time to think about it, but I kind of realized that it's just maybe a deeper reason, you know, like, and maybe I'll never get those answers

and that's okay. But I definitely feel like it made it harder to move on for sure. Yeah, how long did you guys date in the first place? So it's kind of an interesting story. Officially, we only dated for a summer. So it was only three months. But we did know of each other for probably about a year before that.

I actually was in a relationship at the time that we met. And then that relationship fell apart. And me and my ex-boyfriend before him broke up I took a few months to heal and then he slid into the DMs and then we just kind of went from there But he he pursued me heavily for a few weeks or so And then we just kind of didn't leave each other's side after that and then a few weeks later He asked me to be his girlfriend and then yeah It was great until it wasn't. And that only lasted about three months.

So for three months, you guys had, you were hot and heavy. You were by each other's side, spending most of the days of the week together. Sleeping over at each other's houses often. Absolutely. So like a lot of playing house. And then are you saying kind of like out of nowhere, one day is like, I can't be with you anymore. It felt that way.

I think my gut, I'm really, I, I don't know. I think a lot of women are like this as well, but I'm very intuitive. So I think even when you're in a relationship and you think like on the outside, everything's going well, you know, internally, like your gut will just kind of tell you that maybe something's wrong. And that's what I meant in the beginning when I said, like I did have like these sort of moments of clarity where I was like, maybe something's off, I don't know. There was no reason for me to really think that, but I do remember we went on a date and my gut was just like screaming at me,

like, you know, something's wrong. And so I just turned to him and asked him like, I feel like something's wrong. I feel like maybe you're gonna break up with me or something and I don't know why. And I do have a history of like abandonment issues. And so I kind of attributed it to that at the moment because he also said, there's no way I would leave you. Like there's no way.

So, and then he broke up with me, like maybe five days later. So I was right. And then, so what did he say five days later? So yeah, he basically, he was just kind of off that day. I don't know, like a little bit more down and gloomy than usual. And I don't know, like he just seemed really sad and gloomy than usual. And I don't know,

like he just seemed really sad. I don't know. And then we had like a conversation and I thought it was me. Like I thought it was my fault. Like something was, it was something I was doing. And so the kind of fixer in me, the kind of, you know, person that tries to heal things and fix things came out and I was like, I want to figure this out. If it's me, like tell me, I'm not sure what's what's going on." And I think I was definitely emotional at the time because I was so confused. And so we got into not an argument, but a heated conversation about what is going on. And then he just told me, he's like, I just don't think I can do this. And I don't think that I can give you what

you deserve, basically. And that was how it ended. And that's what he said that day. Have you been dating since? I have been dating since, yes. It took me a while. Honestly, probably like eight or nine months of just like really trying to heal and like move forward and kind of work through like, like I said, my own sort of like abandonment issues that I have before even meeting him. I just took a lot of time to myself to be single.

And then I tried to kind of put myself back out there. I started with the apps. I'm still trying, but mostly through just like mutual friends and meeting people out and about if I'm able to. But yes, I have dated and I've come close to maybe having another relationship during this time as well. But unfortunately that didn't work out.

We just figured off. We were better off as friends. So I have been dating but not successfully. Okay. Are you like stalking your ex? Like I know, I mean, I follow a lot of people, but you know, a lot of people I've, oh my God, I still follow this person.

I don't know how active he is on social, but like it's one thing to still follow him. How often are you engaging and what about following him is keeping you invested? Absolutely, good question. So I kind of lucked out in a way, he's not very active on social media. He doesn't post

really at all. And so I don't have to like see a lot of posts. I think maybe if I was seeing a lot of his activity, it would have made it even harder for me and I maybe would have even been like forced at that point just to like unfollow him. But the fact that he's so silent makes it easy to forget that I kind of am sometimes. I don't look at his profile because there's really nothing to look at that's even new. In the beginning I may have checked in on him like when it was fresh off the breakup but after like maybe like a week or so I was just like I'm not going to check in on this and he also wasn't posting a lot so again it made it easier. And then there was one day where he had posted that he moved and he's really big into skiing.

And so he posted a picture of him and another girl and it was months later. So it's totally normal if he was dating or someone new or something else was going on, but that kind of struck a chord with me and I muted his story so I don't have to see them. I think in a way I'm kind of avoiding it, seeing any of this stuff like that's new. So I don't try to check in, I think in a way I'm kind of avoiding it, seeing any of the stuff that's new.

So I don't try to check in, I try to avoid it as much as possible, but the hard part is that he checks my stuff, and every time I post a story on my story, he checks it. So I'm like, there's that little bit of connection that's complicated. That last part, that's why you don't wanna unfollow him. I think so.

I'm pretty confident, yeah. Yeah. Because you notice it. In fact, now I would go so far as to say that whether you even realize it or not, you post just to see if he's gonna look. More often than I'd want to admit, I've done something like that months after.

I would argue that you've probably posted for him, specifically. I don't know if I post for him necessarily, but I do wonder if he sees it, and I think sometimes that could be a motivator for certain things. It's like, yeah, you take a selfie, you look good, you post it, you're like,

if he looks at it, I want him to know I look good. It's like, there's been way too many times in the past two years that you have considered what he will think when you post anything long after you guys ended the relationship. I also just want you to kind of consider it. I know you know this, but I think you have to acknowledge it kind of out loud that, listen, like you only dated for a few months and this is, you know, you've been kind of stuck for almost two years. And that's, I mean, even if you were in a seven year relationship,

two years would be too long to get over someone. Certainly when you're in a longer relationship, it is harder, right? It's just so much more of your life is centered around this person that is no longer a part of your life. And there's just so many scenarios that you have to experience for the first time without the person used to always experience stuff with.

And so the longer you've dated them, the more challenging it can be. In your case, you only dated for a summer. And I don't doubt that you dated, you did a lot and you probably experienced a lot of things in this short period of time, but you still being invested is a problem that you definitely need to figure out. Yeah, I know. I definitely agree. And I want to get to that point. And what's so weird for me is I've never been like this. This isn't in my nature. Normally if a relationship ends or something, I'm really good at keeping distance. I'm really good at like hitting the unfollow button

usually quickly. I think, I don't know why this short relationship affected me more than even my long-term ones. I don't know if it was the person. I don't know if it's because we didn't get to explore all of the things that I kind of pictured in my head that weren't real. But I think for whatever reason,

whatever brain chemistry I have, that just kind of did something a little different. And I do think that I agree, most of the relationship, it was short. And also maybe I just fantasized a lot more about the future and that's kind of what is hard to let go of is what could have been. But at the same time, the relationship that we had

was so short that I don't even think I really knew who he was. And so it makes it hard, yeah, but I do need to absolutely let go. Well, yeah, I mean, like you, you know, you're, seem like self aware enough, you know, you're saying the right things, but now you have to listen to yourself to what you're for what you're saying. What sounds like to me that you're having a hard time getting over is like, this three months was very much a whirlwind, a bit of a fantasy. It was very much a honeymoon phase.

He did a good enough job to present to someone who was enjoying this relationship as much as you were. Right? Eventually your intuition kicked in and you sense something in him or some kind of distance that maybe he didn't even sense himself, I don't know. Or maybe he was just giving you bullshit when he said, no, I'll never do that.

Because you probably caught him off guard and then he got to thinking, but your asking him was probably that gave him the green light that since she sees it coming, then maybe it's as better I do it now. But this relationship gave you too much hope, right? So now you are stuck in this kind of fantasy of what this relationship could have been.

To offer you some grace, you know, if anyone's listening and being like, what's wrong with this chick? She only dated him for three months. And I'm like, God, two years, get over it. You know, I'm sure some people, you know, will say that. You know, a lot of times when people are having a hard time getting over someone, I'll just tell them,

I'll remind them that they are conveniently only thinking about all the good while inconveniently ignoring what they didn't get in the relationship or things that were a problem and the red flags, et cetera, et cetera. But in your case, it was like a three months world win that for the most part was like really great. You guys were in the honeymoon phase. And so you have nothing really to go off in terms of like, oh, well, he was actually kind

of a dick when I did this and yada, yada. And maybe there were a couple of red flags that you can glean on, but you have the challenge of it being almost too good. And so now you're stuck fantasizing about the potential of a relationship that never really had the potential that you hoped it would. But to do this, there's no process. You know what I'm saying? Like when you say things like,

well, I know I need to get there and I'm hoping to get there, that's you basically kind of stubbornly refusing to just accept where you need to be. Because, you know, I don't know, like, you can call me, right? We can talk. You can, let's say, you call next week. You can go to therapy, you know. You can talk to friends. You know, you know what I'm saying? Like, I'm not, like, I don't think I'm really offering you any wisdom that you don't already know. But for whatever reason, you find comfort

in this whole thing that you're doing. Just staying close to him. For whatever reason, it's something to do, or it's exciting, it's not boring. I don't know what emotions it elicits from you. Some of those emotions might not all be positive, but they are emotions and they are stimulating you and you kind of get a reaction out of it. And that's the part you're kind of addicted to and that's the part that gets you stuck. And I think you ruminating

it on even more kind of keeps you stuck. You can over-therapize. Like anything, you can over-medicate, you can talk something into the ground. You know, like you can over-therapize. Like anything, you know, you can over-medicate. You can talk something into the ground, you know? Like you could get a bunch of different therapists and work through this issue. And if you stubborn, like, I don't know, I still haven't followed them. I'm like, all right, well, take your money again.

Let's keep talking about it. You know, at some point you're just gonna have to do it. You know, like we could just pick up the phone now. And I would go so far as to do it. You know, like we could just pick up the phone now and I would go so far as to lock him. Yeah. Because unfollowing him actually doesn't do the thing that you need to be done. Because you can unfollow him and you can still notice he looks at your stories. The fact that he looks at every story keeps you hoping and wondering. And it's like why is he looking at my story? Is he missing me? Is he wondering? Is he regretting what we had?

You know, like, is he doubting himself? Like, he must really think that he doesn't deserve me, but like the only way he can still be close to me is to view my stories and things like that. And he has the opportunity, you have, the way you're playing it now is like, you have it in your head that somehow, like, he is suffering and he is, he just can't possibly, you know, be in this healthy

relationship with me. And so you're able to continue to still fantasize about it and live in this, you know, kind of delusion about what this relationship was. You just have to do it, you know, does that make sense? Oh, no, that makes perfect sense. I think that there's something between like, and it's not like a good dynamic, it's some sort of dynamic that we still like have after this all, or we've already broken up, it's already fallen apart. Like, I don't know, I know that I'll always care about him, he'll probably always care about me to some extent,

but we just need to like leave it there and- You won't always care about him. And you have no idea how he cares about you. How old are you again? I'm 27. 27, all right. Obviously still very young. You're not like that, you know, you're not like, you know, 19 anymore. Yeah, you're old enough to kind of stop this is what I'm kind of, you know, I'm saying. You're past the point of doing kind of silly things and allowing yourself to stay stuck and invest in

people that you have no business being invested in. You know, when we're 19 and 20, you know, we can cut ourselves a little bit of slack because we just, you know, we're so young. At 27 years of age, I think you gotta start acknowledging the emotional energy that you're investing in this guy. And not even in this guy, it's kind of fantasy.

And so when you say things like, oh, I'll always care about him, he'll always care about me, that's you living in that delusion. No, that's you fantasizing about the relationship. You gotta stop speaking and thinking in those terms. You dated this guy for three months, two years ago. He really shouldn't be a thought in your mind.

He shouldn't cross your mind at all. It should be closer to be like, oh yeah, I've been like, I did it for three months. I was kind of crazy. But it's two years ago. Think of all the crazy things that have happened in this world. I don't know what's happening in your life, but probably a lot. And yet every day when you wake up, you're investing this great deal amount of emotional energy thinking about him and wondering about him and what is he doing and is he gonna look at my story and you know and who knows I don't know what else you're thinking about but you really gotta stop that you know you got to when he pops your head you have to be like wait can't nope I'm just stop so

it was just such a shock of how quick it all happened that maybe my brain just like tried to let go and like doses. And like, eventually I got to a point where it was like, there's just yeah, this one last thing that like, I can't seem to let go of because once I let it go, it just feels completely final. Like the other is no hope. There is nothing that could potentially happen. And not that I was thinking that it would but subconsciously, I think like the wound that it created, maybe it was just like craving, I subconsciously I think like the wound that it created maybe it was just like craving, I don't know,

like maybe some sort of hope that like, yeah, it could be healed, it could be fixed, but it just, again, it never will. So I do think that for my sake and for his, because he is checking my stuff, not just unfollowing is gonna be best, but trying to just block and rip that band-aid off is definitely gonna be the best way to move forward.

And you're right, there's just nothing that could be done about it trying to just block and rip that banding off is definitely gonna be the best way to move forward, and you're right, there's just nothing that could be done about it other than finally deciding to do it, and then just kind of moving on from there, because I think you're right, after that, I probably wouldn't even think about it anymore, and it'd be a lot easier to get over. Yeah, I mean, listen, if you've been thinking about it

this much, it's gonna be a process, but you have to challenge yourself not to think about it. You know? And I mean, if he's looking at your story every day, if you block him, you know, there's a good chance he might reach out and ask why. What would you say to him? Let's say, I mean like,

Oh no. Why did you, you know, block him right now? Should I while we're on here? Can I do that? Yeah. It won't ruin the call. No. Okay, let's do it.

Okay, fine. Yeah, and I don't want him to reach out so blocking your it is probably best does he have your number I actually don't know if he does he might okay I did it we're done congratulations are you gonna keep it unblocked oh yeah absolutely it I mean I think I just needed like someone to hold my hand. Why did a little bit? So thank you. Okay, we're in a hole. Yeah, no, I hope that it's on to bigger and better things and you know, there's someone out there, you know, for everyone and I don't need to keep looking back into the past. So that was definitely helpful. And yeah, I'm glad I followed him and finally blocked him. There you go. Well, I'm glad you did that. Just know, like, listen, it will pop in your mind.

You just have to challenge yourself and say, I gotta let this go. I don't know this person. It was over long ago, but it is definitely time to move on. And if he does find a way to reach out and he's like, Hey, like, I noticed you blocked me and yada yada, like, probably should just ignore it. Yeah, I don't want to give him like, it doesn't matter, dude, it's not your problem. That he's watched your stories for

two years. He shouldn't notice. If he does, yeah, he shouldn't reach out. I would just ignore it, you know, if he finds a way to reach out. I think it'd be weird for him to definitely reach out at this point. I mean, the motivation for me to unfollow him was never to have him like reach back out. It was always meant to just be like, okay, this is final.

You know, this is done. I don't need to keep like looking back. And definitely now that I talk more about it and talk it out, it had a lot more to do with my own personal wounds that just needs some healing. And I have been in a process of healing all of those things. And that's why it's just taken a while, but now hopefully it'll make that even this,

this will make that process much more, I don't know, I can like actually move forward in more purposeful. So it'll be good for both of us and I'm happy that I finally did it and I don't think that he'll reach out. I mean he had it, he hasn't. Well now you've given him a reason to so, you know. Oh no. Yeah. You just have to have the strength to ignore him.

Again, the only reason he reaches out now is because he'll notice you block him, right? It won't be to check in on you and it won't be to consider your feelings. It'll be concern over why you block them. You know, did I do something wrong? Did I say something? I don't know. I mean, it would be weird because it has been two years, but if he does, it will be because you blocked him and him getting in his head as to why. But it won't be for you. That'll be for him. And don't let your ego convince yourself that like, oh, like he cares.

Oh, that's hard. Yeah. Yeah. Listen, in the future, next time you get excited about someone, just know that you got to slow down a little bit. You know, don't make the same mistake you did with this guy, which is to jump in to a whirlwind romance. Like, you can't cheat it as you've learned, you know, you can't cheat getting to know someone. Like, Yeah, you can cram it all in. You can hang out every day. You can certainly learn a lot about someone in a short period of time by how much time you spend with them. But some things you can't cheat. Sometimes you just have to get to know them, be with them over a period of time. Certain things

will just have to happen. Stresses will have to be entered into both of your lives, into the relationship. You'll have to see how they react to those types of stresses and things like that before, again, you really get to know someone. So, you know, in the meantime, if you really like someone and get excited about them, you know, even though your instincts are to let's spend another night together, even though you've already slept over each other's houses

twice, like maybe they're having that willpower to say, like, let's just slow down a little bit. I mean, slow down doesn't mean stop. Slow down doesn't mean, you know, really necessarily doing anything other than this acknowledging that like, this is early and it's new and we should like take our time. You can be intentional and take your time at the same time.

You know, like slowing down isn't an excuse for like a guy to text you once a week or to not really check in. It's just to not do the whole house play, you know, not sleeping over at each other's houses five out of, you know, seven nights a week. You know, you don't need to be talking about your future together that early on. You know, there can be an acknowledgement, like, I really like you and I really, you know, I'm really, I see potential in this. Like, you're the first person I've met in a while where I can see myself like dating, you know, like'm really, I see potential in this. Like you're the first person I've met in a while where I could see myself like dating,

you know, like I see a future with you and that those are all okay things to say, but I wouldn't go much further than that. And the first six, 12 months talking about your future, you know, the moment you guys start like, you've been dating someone for less than a year and you start talking about like wedding plans and just know you're, you start talking about like wedding plans, you just know you're talking about you're planning a wedding with a you know someone that is a little bit more than a stranger than someone you really know. It could all work out you know. My parents got married in less than 12 months but like different times you know. Definitely and I'm I think yeah I need

to let that relationship develop and not think about all the things that haven't happened or could happen or will happen and get excited in that way. And just kind of let the relationship unfold how it should and definitely be more intentional as well, for sure. I'll do that, for sure, yeah. Okay. Thank you. All right, well, good luck out there.

Keep us posted on how your daily life's been going, but I'm glad you were finally able to block the guy. Yeah, and if he reaches out, I'll just say that, you know. I would ignore him. Nick Vi will tell me that I can't. Don't say that. And this was a problem. And if you retrograde, and you know,

I wish you well. Or just ignore him. I honestly would just ignore him. I will for sure. Thank you so much, I appreciate it. All right, take care. Get back out there. I will, thank you so much.

All right. Have a good day. Have a good day. Thank you, bye bye. This show is brought to you by BetterHelp. BetterHelp, we talk about them almost every week. Listen, there are a lot of bad therapists out there and it can be very, very, very discouraging in figuring out how to find a new therapist

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I always tell Nick that when River's crying, she's trying to tell us something, and that's the case with most babies. They express it through cries, and so we've turned to huggies for our daughter River. I always tell Nick that when River's crying, she's trying to tell us something, and that's the case with most babies. They express it through cries, and so we've turned to Huggies. The new Huggies Skin Essentials are here. A brand new dermatologist approved line of diapers, wipes, and pull-ups training pants

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Pull Up Skin Essentials has your big kid covered too with a training pant that is ultra soft and breathable to help protect sensitive skin through potty training. Learn more at Huggies.com. Once again, head to Huggies.com to learn more. How's it going? Hi, I'm Ashley, I'm 31, and it's having sex on the first date ruining my chance at marriage. Ruining? Absolutely not. I had sex on the first date ruining my chance at marriage.

Ruining? Absolutely not. I had sex on the first date with my wife, so, you know, clearly. However, I will say, it makes it more difficult. Huh, why difficult? If you have sex on the first date, you're having sex with a stranger, you would agree? You know, I don't care how long the first date is,

I don't care how great it goes, I don't care how many hours you talked for into the night and compared notes and did the whole like, a thousand questions to fall in love and yada, yada, yada. I don't care if you get through all that and then have the sex. You don't really know who this person is, right? You don't have an emotional connection. Right.

Like I've said before, you know, and so it just complicates things. Also, as we talked about before, men typically respond differently to sex than women do, you know, not always, but like, and you know, you get what I'm saying. Yeah, post-nut clarity. Yeah, there's a post-nut clarity, you know, and then I feel like, you know, like the post-nut clarity. Yeah, there's a post-nut clarity, you know? And then I feel like, you know, like the post-nut clarity seems to be like a common, like a saying, if you will. But like, I think we should start calling, you know,

I don't know, what would women call, it's almost like the post-nut fog. Because like, don't they say like, typically women will have like a bonding emotion to sex like when women have sex or orgasm there are literal chemicals released in your body that make you feel connected to your partner. Sure but most likely on the first date you're not having an orgasm. There's that too.

I don't know if you need an orgasm. I don't know. Not a woman but like I don't know. Yeah maybe that's an orgasm thing but I don't know if you need an orgasm. I don't know, I'm not a woman, but like I don't know. Yeah, maybe that's an orgasm thing, but I don't know what it is. How do you usually feel after sex? And if you're not orgasming, why are you even bothering? Right, right. No, that's a good question. I know at like my big old age at 31, I'm like, I feel like I'm nervous that they're not gonna like me or something, or there's a chance of them saying no

for a second date, but then I guess that proves that that's really all they were looking for. I don't know. Yeah, but you have to tackle that insecurity that you're feeling on that first date that is causing you to need this person's validation, so much so that you're willing to have sex with them and hopes for a second date.

I mean, it's a very vulnerable thing for you to admit. Yeah, that's true. Is that the only reason you're doing it? I mean, no judgment at all, but do you think it's mostly that rather than like, I really just wanna have sex with this guy tonight? How much is it this burning desire to sleep with this person? That's a good question.

Probably 75% chance I wanna sleep with this person, 25% maybe also in the back of my head. Then we can keep things going. Okay. But what's that, that 75% that wants to have sex, like, you know, you could probably just wait. Or is that because, are you thinking, well, what if they don't wanna go on a date with me

and then I won't get to have sex with them? Yeah. I mean, okay, if you wanna like, enough. Have you ever gone on a date? Genuine question here, gone on a date. Yeah. Had sex and thought to yourself, thank God I had that sex.

What am I asking myself? No. Right? Probably never. Especially- No, I never have. Okay. That's telling.

Yeah, that is telling. I guess, yeah, I'm just scared that if I say no, then they'll say no in the future. I kind of grew up as a chubby kid, and I just like, oh my god, a guy that likes me is like, oh my god, so exciting, you know? I hear you, I get it, very vulnerable. Well, you look great, if it's okay for me to say.

Thank you. But I think you can- You say that to everyone, Nick. No, I'm just kidding. I really don't. No, you don't, yeah. That being said, like listen, like obviously that's some unresolved trauma

or just some, maybe not unresolved, but trauma that you're still kind of dealing with, right? There's that inner child in you, right? That feels like you're not liked or loved or accepted for who you are or you know Not the beauty queen or whatever whatever it is so Definitely, you know because it's a bit destructive of you to are you having protected sex Yeah, always

No No. Okay. No judgment. I just want you to be... No, you just knew it right away. That's so funny. You were like, no. So we thought about wearing a condom. Yeah, we definitely talked about it. I mean, listen, again, I just, I want you to make healthy choices, you know? And I think if you meet the right person and you have sex on their first date, you know, you guys will figure it out.

I don't think it's stopping you from getting married. I think you have a hard time really being yourself while when sex is on the table for the first date. Because then they expect it for the next date or because you're just like opening. Well, it's more about you being your, it's just you're worrying too much about like, should I sleep?

Imagine going on a date knowing that sex is off the table. Just like the emotional, like, mental kind of weight off your shoulders. Yeah. You know, that's just a benefit. I know, I never thought of that. I've said this before, but you've probably already listened to this episode, but, and this't listened to this episode, but this is like

a scientific fact. But men don't fall in love via sex. It may surprise you to hear that. They fall in love from missing people. I said this, maybe this episode didn't hear. But men can have sex with people they don't like. And hate even. They don't need to like you to have sex with people they don't like, and hate even. They don't need to like you to have sex with you.

Most women are different that way. You need to at least respect the person you're having sex with. You know? Men unfortunately, we don't. Yeah. Do you believe in like, where they put you in that, where a guy will like put you in a box of like,

you're just a hookup, you're maybe a hookup, like a girlfriend type of thing. Not really, no, I'm not a, like Tink's box theory. Yeah, that's what I was thinking, yeah. No, I think that theory has its flaws. I think it's less complicated in a way. I don't think men see someone out of the bar and immediately go, I would only fuck her.

I'd only have sex with her. Like, oh, but I want her to be my girlfriend so I won't sleep with her on the first night. And then she's girlfriend material. Like, I don't think they do that, right? It's two options. Would I have sex with her or would I not have sex with her? Yeah.

They don't think past that. That's it. Got it. It's A or B. Yeah, I don't think past that. That's it. It's A or B. Yeah, I don't think it's that complicated. I do think, however, that when it comes to sex and when it comes to men, they do put you in a box after they have sex with you.

And I call that the movie theory, which is men think of sex like a movie. Most movies you watch, right? You're like, oh, that was good. Don't need to see it again. It's good. I enjoyed the movie. Good.

That's how most men think about sex with strangers. You know? Like, oh, it was good. Yeah. I enjoyed that. It was fine. And now I know the end of the movie. You know?

I don't need to watch it again. It was good. I mean, it wasn't great. You know? Then there's some movies out there that for whatever reason, it really strikes a chord with you and it becomes your rewatchable. And every time it's on TV, you watch it over and over and over again

because it just kind of makes you feel good. And in those cases, like if, you know, and again, like as you know, sex the first time with people is often awkward. You just usually know orgasm, yada yada, but every once in a while you strike gold and you have amazing sex with someone, right? And so if a guy has amazing sex with someone

and he's just like, that just sex blew my mind, he will come back for more, for sure. But it will be because of the sex, right? And sometimes in those instances, two people can get to know each other because they're just like, they just keep coming back for the sex. You know, you can't just have sex, you know?

And obviously they must like something about you and enjoy your company. And so they keep coming around, you keep hooking up and all of a sudden, I feel like I'm gonna know this person. I'm developing some rapport. And then that's how those can turn into relationships. But the key there- Yeah, this is my last boyfriend but the key there is my last

boyfriend the key there is like you two people have to be super into the sex that the sex is what keeps them coming back because most of the men you hooked up with they were just like yeah it was good yeah it's fine and again this is not something that your ego needs to be like well I should be like not you can't blow everyone's mind every day you know know, you're just it's it's not it's not a you thing. Right. And then like, you know, the other movie, you know, it's just like there's some movies you never finish, you know, you're just like, this is terrible. Right. And then you're just like, I fuck this. And you're like, you make excuses to get out.

So I think that's more accurately how men view sex in hookup culture. Never heard of the movie theory, I like it. Thank you. I think in your case, you should really take sex off the table early in dating. Yeah. Because you're way too in your head about it. It's not coming from a place of confidence,

it's coming from a place of insecurity. And I'm guessing that 75-25 is, you know, not as accurate as you wanna believe. Especially since you can answer I'm guessing that 75 25 is, you know, not as accurate as you wanna believe. Especially since you can answer that you literally have never had sex with someone on the first date and thought to yourself, that was, I needed that. Thank God we did that. I could not have lived without it.

Never. If I second guess it, I'm sure I can. Yeah, but you get what I'm saying? Like it's not really doing anything for you, and a big drive of your decision to do that. I mean, even if it was like 1% of that, I hate that for you. Sex is an incredible, amazing thing with the right people.

Because yeah, I'm not gonna go, you can sleep with one person or anything, but it's just more like, it's just, if you've listened to the show before, I just go on and on again. The problem with dating culture today is that we've, we've introduced hookup culture to it. And I think, I think hookup culture has its place, right?

But I think hookup culture needs to be separated from dating culture. And I don't really, and I think that's probably honestly more easy to say rather than to execute on. Yeah. But if you were to try to execute on. Yeah. But if you were to try to execute, you know, and I write in my book too,

when I talk about hookup culture, right? Is that, and I say this to anyone, you know, men or women, and then I will say this to you. If you are going to participate in hookup culture, then the only reason you should have sex with someone is because you wanna get laid, because you wanna have sex. The thought of what will to get late because you want to have sex. The thought of what will this person think of me afterwards, I don't give a fuck, should be your answer. I do not care. If you care, if you ask yourself, well, what will this person think after

we have sex, immediately your answer should be, I should not have sex. If you ask yourself, I actually don't give a fuck what they think about me. They're kind of annoying a little bit, but like, I don't know, he looks like he has a big dick. I'm kind of curious. Then have a ball. You know? But you need to detach yourself. And I don't even know if it's like for some people, that's not even possible.

But you really shouldn't care about their opinion of you. And I think if most people, and I think I'm quite, I mean, I think of a lot of women ask themselves that question, I think they would opt, and I think of a lot of women ask themselves that question, I think they would opt to not have the sex. Because I think there's, for whatever reason, this misconception, you know, I think maybe the misconception comes from guys are, you know, more sexual, they kind of lead with their eyes,

you know, half the men out there talk about their physical touch being their love language and things like that, and you're just like, well, the only way I can get him to like me is I fuck him, you know, because all he does is talk about sex. But from an emotional standpoint, the way men really connect and they feel safe around,

you know, people that they're dating is not through sex. You know, sex is an outlet. It's a release. It's something to get off their chest, so to speak. You know, it's, they don't, you speak. It's not like an emotional thing. There might be like a lovemaking later on in the relationship, but sex and dating early on with men, they disconnect, yeah, they disconnect rather.

And honestly, the post-not-clarity is probably not even accurate is, I think they're easy to, it's because post-not-clarity, clarity, I think they're easy even it's it's because posting that clarity, you know it Clarity I think clarity is an inaccurate word there. I don't think men are seeing it clearly either I think there's almost like men almost have like oh my god get away from me kind of vibe You know after they have sex. I'm sure you felt that before. Yeah, it's not a you thing. It's just like a an uncomfortable You know, I think someone articulated a thing,

I think there is some science behind it, but I think men almost feel a little bit insecure afterwards. And if they're in an unfamiliar place with an unfamiliar person, there isn't a bonding desire. There's almost a desire to like, job done, now leave, because there's this vulnerability that they feel after they've probably said a bunch of weird shit during sex, and they'll be like,

oh my God, I cannot believe I said that to you. You know, it's a little bit, right? And I think that clarity for men is more like, oh my God, fuck, did I do anything weird? Probably, and they wanna get the fuck out. And then you see it as rejection because it's like, why are you being fucking weird all of a sudden? You know, and again, you don't know this person,

so you make it all about you, you know, and you assume all the reasons of why they're being weird is solely because of you, or maybe they're just weird, or maybe they don't know, you know, again, or maybe they feel uncomfortable the fact that they had sex with a stranger. 15 minutes earlier, they're just like, oh my God, I would literally do anything for her.

She looks so good naked. Like, this person's so hot. I cannot believe she's in my bed. To like, holy shit, did we wear a condom? Did we not wear a condom? Like, do I have an STD? Men get insecure too. And then they go down that rabbit hole.

And most of the weirdness that comes from men after sex it almost has nothing to do with the person they had sex with, it all comes from them. That makes me feel a lot better, to be honest. Well, I'm glad I helped. But yeah, it really has nothing to do with you. If I were you, I would try to stop the sex early on. Yeah, just keep it as like a goal,

not with sex on the first date. I mean, if I were you, I would have it be a non-negotiable. Yeah, that's what I'm more meant than I'm. I mean, I would take it off the table mentally to yourself. I don't think you need me some proclamation. Yeah. Like I get almost now,

you almost feel like today in 2024, you almost have to be like, hey, just so you know, there's no sex today, as if like everyone's just expecting to fuck on the first date. Right. But I think that's crazy. You don't need to do that. You don't need to, just so you know, just take it off the table in your head.

And if a date has a really great, just know going home with something. And then make it easier on yourself. Don't put yourself in vulnerable situations. You're also a human. So you go back to their place place you invite them back to your place You know it's like all of them few drinks will stay late And then things look good and the next thing you know I'm like oh fuck I did it again So help yourself out you know like and again if you do do it just at least be realistic with yourself

That this is not about getting them to like you this is in fact I don't care about what they think about me, how they view me afterwards is really none of my business. I don't really care. I really just wanna get laid tonight. Yeah. You know? Yeah, or if I like them.

Well, if- Serious. Well, again, if you like them as a person with the hopes of getting to know them, I mean, if you really wanna have sex, sure, but again, just know that it might complicate it. Just know that they're going to experience after sex this feeling of satisfaction

in feeling like they got to know you. In reality, they didn't. And I don't know how to say this other than, and maybe these men are just deficiently made or were crude or whatever, but like, like you know the unknown of what it's like to have sex with someone is a very powerful tool I guess it's it's a very powerful aphrodisiac for men the unknown of sex is like with someone and once you remove that you you know you no longer have that in your arsenal type of thing.

You're making it harder on you. For you to have risk-free sex, and when I say risk-free, I don't mean like safe sex, like maybe you can get pregnant or maybe you can get STD, but risk-free sex in the fact that you are free from worrying about them changing how they feel about you after sex, the only way to do that is to know that to have built some kind of emotional connection with them, that they have come accustomed to receiving some kind of emotional support from you that they need.

Some kind of comfort, some kind of quality, some other love language other than physical touch. They go to you for a bad day or they like talking to you, like spending time with you, you laugh, you have things in common. I don't know, all those things that go into compatibility and rapport. Yeah, that shit doesn't happen in the first place.

Exactly, he needs to learn something about you and be like, oh, that's kind of annoying, but like, I don't know, he needs to learn something about you and you know be like kind of like, oh, that's kind of annoying But like I don't know she's great. She does this thing is kind of annoying, but I don't care She's great, you know, like and I can list all the great things about her You know, and she's this and she's that and I miss her when I'm not with her and yada yada yada Like that's when you know, you got him Right and you can accomplish all that without sex. You do not need the sex. I just really want to enforce that.

Sex is useless when it comes to getting a guy to like you and commit to you. In fact, it's more than useless. It is often counterproductive. Yeah. And like you said, it's an aphrodisiac to not have sex with them. Yeah. For them to wonder what it's like to have sex with you.

Right. Yeah. And having all that stuff too. Yeah, and I'm a firm believer that you can explore your physical chemistry with someone without having sex. You can get a pretty good read. That's true, that's true. Whatever it is, like have some fun, you can flirt, you can be frisky, you could be adventurous,

you could do a lot of things sexually without having sex. And that can build over time. And you can keep it exciting. Don't do the thing before I let you go. Don't do the, I wait, I make, like all of a sudden you like, okay, I'm no longer gonna have sex on the first date. And then put some of your artificial timeline. Like don't tell yourself, well, I'll make him wait six days.

And certainly don't tell them that. Because then when you tell a guy, well, I don't have sex for three months, you might as well have sex on the first date. Because all you've done is given a guy the goal. And the goal is to have sex. The goal isn't to get to know you. It's like, I don't know.

I don't sleep with people I don't have a connection with and that I don't really know. And when do I have sex with someone? I don't know, when I feel comfortable and when there's a connection, you know? Sometimes that's fairly quickly, sometimes it takes a while, you know? And like, don't feel like you need to explain yourself,

make them ask, make them pull it out of you. Your energy is like, it's kinda like, oh no, I just kinda chill. No, you know, like if you're on a first date, oh I had a really good time, do you wanna go back to my place? Be like, you don't have to sell, no, I don't have sex on the first date or whatever, I'm not like that, you don't have to say stuff like that.

Be more vague, be more mysterious. Be like, no, I honestly had a really great time tonight, but I think I'm just gonna call it a night, but I would love to see you again, you know, if you if in fact you do. You know. Okay. Never feel like you have to explain yourself to a guy, especially if they don't ask. Yeah, then they really don't care. And part of that is like it's very, you know, very confident people, very kind of, you know, can make you feel like you're doing something wrong or make you feel you know there's people you've met people

who know how to make feel other people feel stupid you know yeah for sure I think the the fuck boys out there are very good of you know like oh why like why just cuz yeah like it feels stupid kind of for like not having sex with them and like you have to explain why and then they're like stupid. Yeah, just be like, I don't know, I just, I don't want to. Well, um, yeah, that's stupid, but yeah. Yeah, I don't want to. Really great answer. Yeah. You're still a stranger? I don't know, you know, I'm not sold yet. You know, say that. I mean, fuck with them. You know how to fuck with guys, you know, just have, have fun with it. You don't have to be that serious about it.

I just want you to leave this conversation knowing that you've looked at sex in the wrong way when it comes to dating, so to speak. Prioritize. You prioritize sex in the wrong way. Think about it, right? Sex should always be done for you, right? Right.

Always, even in a relationship. You should never have sex when you don't wanna have sex. Yeah, for sure. So, you know, ask yourself that question. Do I really wanna have sex with this person? And why am I considering it? And as soon as it's just like, well, maybe he'll like me more or something,

immediately it's like, that's an alarm bell that needs to go off in your head. Okay, that's exactly what the alarm bells were, so. All right. Was this helpful? All right. Yes, this was definitely helpful. Okay.

Well, good luck out there. Thank you. You have a lot to offer people. You're only 31. You're not old at all. But just help yourself out by, you know, allowing yourself to get to know people and stop kind of treating yourself the way you have been feeling like you need this validation from men, you know?

And are you in therapy? Yeah. Okay. Do I talk about it in therapy? Do you not? Do you not talk about your, you don't talk about your childhood traumas and things like that in therapy? What do you talk about?

No, I don't know. Like what's been going on in the week. Yeah, she's not that amazing, but maybe you need a therapist. I feel like I do that a lot. Recently, I'm trying to tell people to get new therapists, but I know you can have listens to your recent episodes and you're like, yeah, you need a therapist. Did you agree or disagree? I agreed. Yeah, you know, therapy, you know, your therapist is only good as all you, you know, what you're willing to work with him on, you know, so like if you keep it surface level, it's going to be surface level.

But you know, have you mentioned to your therapist before this topic? Yeah. Yeah, but to be honest, I don't know if I was as vulnerable as I was with you. Well, we appreciate your vulnerability, but... I don't know. Yeah. Your next therapy session, I would just say, hey, listen, if I've never talked to you about this, but I struggled with my weight as a child.

I think that still affects me to this day. I see it affecting my dating life and how I, you know, I feel like I need men's validation in ways that I don't necessarily want to or I actually need. But you know, I feel like it might stem from my insecurities from my childhood. And I would love to explore that with you. I think the childhood traumas that we bring into our adulthood never really go away. We always cut, it's more of a maintenance thing. You'll have to keep working on it. Right, right.

And work on that confidence. It's those internal thoughts that get you down. Yeah, I was trying to hide it from her, but really I have to talk about it with her. Well, and I just hate for you that the first, anytime you're on a date with someone and there's an awkward moment or you're just, you know, they're a bad communicator,

you immediately wonder if it's you. And you immediately wonder if they're attracted to you, if they're physically attracted to you or how, you know, and that's where your head goes. And you're discounting all the other amazing things you bring to a potential partner in a relationship. We all want people to think that we're physically attractive. You know, you're an attractive person, you know?

And so you just have to accept the fact that like, some people are gonna be super hot for me and other people, I'm not their type, it's fine. And you have to like, accept that so that next time it happens and some guys being whatever he's being, that you accept the possibility, I don't know, maybe he's not attracted to me,

I don't fucking know. But having sex with him isn't gonna change that. Yeah, no kidding. And if he's just like, you know, if he's thinking to himself, and again, maybe this is a men problem and I don't know, I sometimes maybe take for granted that maybe a lot of people don't realize this,

but again, a guy can be like, oh yeah, I thought she was pretty cute, but I don't know, if she maybe take for granted that maybe a lot of people don't realize this, but again, a guy can be like, oh yeah, I thought she was pretty cute, but like, I don't know, if she's willing to take off her shirt, I'll definitely say yes, you know? Yeah, right. You know what I'm saying? So. Yeah, exactly.

And I feel like women are. They're not gonna turn that down. Yeah. And I think women, you know, like you're just like, if a guy you rolled up on a day and you thought, I don't know, it's not really my cup of tea. And then he was like, but I'll take off my shirt. You'd be like, Oh my God, no, please don't do that. You know what I'm saying? And you're probably thinking there's no way if I asked to take off my shirt that he would, you know what I'm

saying? Like we're not, we think very differently. Yeah, we're not the same. But when you're, you know, for whatever reason, I think obviously we only know what we can relate to, right? So I think we often make mistake both men and women of what would we do in this situation, which can serve us well often, but like in some cases, especially when it comes to sex, I think we respond very differently.

Yeah, for sure. All right. All right. Okay. Well this is a better therapy talk than I've had I guess in a year. Well I'm glad I could be helpful. I really appreciate you you you call it in but uh and keep us posted on how things are going but uh try it out see how you feel. When you're on these dates check in with yourself. You know what I'm saying? Like ask yourself how you're feeling about it, you know? Do I like these guys? Do you like them?

Yeah, what do I think? You know, first date, you should not worry about them liking you, especially on a first date. Have you read this book, Don't Touch Your Happy Birthday? No, but I've definitely been. I feel like you should. Thinking about buying it. I think you should.

I think I should too. I think you should. There's a lot of stuff in there that I think might help you. But a first- Well, every time you mention like, oh, this isn't my book, I'm like, oh, damn. Hey, listen, I'm not a big reader, so I'm not one to talk. But I think it's also an audio if you want to listen in the car, if you listen to podcasts. But it talks a lot about this stuff.

On first dates, who gives a fuck about this stuff, you know, on first dates, like who gives a fuck about what they think about you? I know your ego does, but it's a first date, and you need to figure out on a first date what you need to know about them. A first date for you is figuring out if you wanna go on a second date, if they have potential.

And their job is to also figure out if they wanna go on a second date with you, but potential. And their job is to also figure out if they wanna go on a second date with you, but that should be none of your concern. Now I know in practice that's an impossibility, you're a human being, you're gonna care, but you have to get closer to that realization than you're at now. You're not even asking your, you, I'm willing to bet,

aren't even considering how you feel about them. You are 100% invested in making sure that they are obsessed with you or like you or love you or want to go on a second date with you. In fact, most, I'm guessing most of the time you're on a second date. You just care. You want, I'm guessing most of the time we got our first date, you just care about getting to that second date. Yeah, for sure.

And unless the guy is so icky and so like, ugh, you're just like, you know what I'm saying? And then that's something you really need to dig deep in therapy. For sure. Because I think, you know, I think you're obviously a smart person. All the stuff I'm saying to you makes sense,

but you will forget it, it'll go out the door, and this will be something that you'll have to keep reminding yourself. You know what I'm saying? This will be an exercise you'll have to keep reminding yourself. You know what I'm saying? This will be an exercise you'll have to get better at. These are muscles you'll have to strengthen, you know, and things like that. So take it easy on yourself.

This is not something you learn overnight. Because your instincts, you know, are still there. And your instincts are a little bit off and you need to recalibrate your instincts. Yeah, now my instincts need to be, do I actually like it? Yeah, and it's okay to say, I don't know yet. And then a second date's okay. Third stranger, yeah.

Third date, I don't know yet, we'll see, we'll see. And feel free to bring that energy to the date. I don't know yet, we'll see. Keep them on their toes. And honestly, the more you get closer to the energy, you will notice a difference. you will notice a difference. You will notice a difference in how men act on dates. Right now, you on dates and all the powers

on the other side of the table. Doesn't even matter who they are with you. Yeah, for sure. And I want you to take some of that power back. I want you to feel like you're in the driver's seat. For sure. And that takes practice. Definitely.

They could be in finance or selling beer. I would see the exact same way. But I should be the same way anyway, but. It's okay, listen, we've been there, but check out the book. I think it might help. But also talk to your therapist about this stuff. Work through it.

Cause it's easy for me to say, but you still have to work through it a little bit. For sure. Okay. For sure. You have to start with that. Well, good luck. Thanks for the call.

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Again, that it's Gooder.com G O O D R.com slash VyL and use code VyL for free shipping. How's it going? Hi, I'm Sam. I'm 24 and my boyfriend of four years will not propose to me. Okay, I hear that little southern twang in your voice. Yeah. So I can only presume that you're from

the southern states originally. Yes, yes. 24's, you know, 25 for me was the year that I, you know, I decided when I was like 19 that I needed to have it all figured out. You'd have a wife, you'd have my kids, you'd have the job, you'd have the BMW. It was always a BMW in my head.

Which is funny because I've never had a BMW. I just decided to get a Audi's instead. Anyways, tell me more about your relationship. Well, I am 24, so yes, that is still young, but my boyfriend actually turns 30 this year. Okay. So I'm feeling like it's time and all of our friends are getting engaged

and having babies, and it's been kind of just running joke for a long time, like when are you guys getting engaged? And I'm like, that's a good question, and I joke with them, but it's not funny anymore I'm not laughing. Okay tell me about your relationship with your boyfriend like tell me about all the things that you love about your boyfriend and tell me why you think you guys are ready to get married and just a little heads up I don't want to hear my friends are getting married my friends friends are having kids, it's time,

we've been dating for four years, I'm tired of waiting, I wanna hear about the relationship. Okay, well, when we met, I was just, like I'm kind of an introvert and I'm kind of really shy. So when I first met him, it was really easy to like open up and be myself around him and be comfortable around him so he makes me comfortable he makes me laugh every single day he makes me really happy and he calms like all my nerves and stuff and I'm happy to come home to him after work and we just moved in together like

a year ago we have a dog together and we rarely ever fight which is nice so I feel like we just fight about like the normal things couples fight with, like can you please do the laundry, stuff like that. So I feel like we're like- How often do you fight about doing the laundry? Probably more than we should, but it's just like if he's home and I'm working all day, I'm like,

hey, do the laundry, and he'll do it for like a few weeks and then it's the same thing. Okay, well, I mean, like fighting all the laundry isn't the end all be all. But as my therapist, Arlene, always reminds me, it's the three B's. It's one of the three B's that are often most affects relationships, the broom, the bed,

and budget. And laundry would be under the broom department. But what seems small, as you know, if you marry this guy, or regardless of you guys being married, you guys live together, and laundry shows up every day. And it seems small, but it is something that for whatever reason,

you guys are not on the same page about. Yes. Now I'm not saying that you need to blow up your relationship because you guys fight over laundry. But you know, if you find yourself fighting over the same thing over and over and over and over and over and over and over, you know, about who should do what when,

you know, that's something you guys need to figure out. You know, it won't resolve itself. And those things can snowball and turn into other things. You know, it's like more like, is it just more like, I hate fucking doing laundry. I mean, I'm terrible at it, right? And maybe that's it. Maybe your boyfriend's is like,

but it comes to the broom type of stuff. You guys live together. I mean, you mentioned laundry, but who does what for the house? Do you guys kinda have your responsibilities? Is it one-sided? Do you feel like it's pretty even? I feel like it's pretty one-sided, for the most part.

Me doing it. You doing it, okay. But he does, yes. But he does, like, I do credit him on like, hey, can you please just go do this? And then he'll do it, so. But in a perfect world, you would love a little bit more reciprocity and a little bit more collaboration

and you both being involved when it comes up keeping up the household, yeah? Yeah, I mean, it would be nice like after, cause he travels for work. So sometimes he's home all week. So it would be nice to like come home to a clean house. And we've talked about that before and he gets better at it and then just falls off and then we have the same conversation

and then he gets better, so. Okay, but you feel like there's a genuine effort into considering your feelings, yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, all right. What else about your relationship that makes you wanna get married to him? Well, our families are very close,

so I get along with his family, he gets along with my family, we go do things all the time. We share some of the same interests, and if I have something that I want him to do, he'll do it, and I try to do things that he likes to do, so I feel like we very, like we compromise on things we wanna do.

What do you enjoy doing together? We like to just hang out with our friends, we like to go like out with our friends, and we like to be home with our dog and stuff like that. We like to go hang out with our friends. We like to go like out with our friends and we like to be home with our dog and stuff like that. We like to go on hikes because we live in a very like nature state. So we like to go on hikes and stuff like that. Okay, but you genuinely feel like

you guys have fun together, yeah? Yeah, oh yeah, we have lots of fun together. Other than him not proposing to you, what are some things you would love for him to change? Like, do you have a list of like, I wish he did that, I mean, you got laundry for sure. So helping out around the house a little bit more, being a little bit more proactive.

You would love that. Anything else? So we were like medium distance for a while, for like three years. So like we saw each other on the weekends and stuff. So, and he's a big like video game player. So at first that like kind of bothered me and sometimes now even I'm like, hey, can you stop playing the video game and hang out with me?

But I mean, it's not as big of an issue now since we live together because sometimes I'm like, please go play video games. Let me watch my shows. But for the most part, when you ask him to cut it out, well, Does he listen or at least respond in kind? Yeah, for the most part. It kind of depends on if all of his friends are on, like if his friends are on, because you know, they're all like busy with their wives and their kids. So sometimes they only get that one little time

to play video games. I get it, you know, again, you're not his mom. I mean, you're not his boss. But like, you know, if you're, do you feel like he hears you for the most part? You know, he might say, hey, baby, you know, the guys are out, I'm gonna play, or is it more like, or do you feel like he ignores you?

No, for the most part, I feel like he listens to me, but sometimes it's like embarrassing to have to ask him to hang out with me, you know? Tell me more about that, what do you think about that? So, like, if he's, because he plays his video games a lot, like he plays them a lot. And for the most part, I like to just be able to do my own thing, but when I want to hang out with him, like, I don't want to, like, it's always me being like, hey, can we go

do something or can we hang out? Always. Always you? Yeah. Yeah. How do you feel about that? What if that doesn't get better? Well, see, I just keep hoping that it does.

Like, maybe in his older age, it'll get better. Well, if you've listened to this show, you always hear me say like, hope is not something you want in a relationship. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And hope isn't really something to bank on. You can hope all you want, but I would count on things not getting better usually.

Right, and then a lot of my other concern is like I feel like which I'm just assuming but I feel like most people like have our same issues so I don't want to just like count on someone else like always wanting to hang out with me and stuff like that you know yeah? Well, yeah. I mean, I don't think I'd break up with the guy or anything like that. Right. Right. Right. Uh, what do you guys do to like stay connected?

Well, we try to at least plan like at least one weekend, cause we're always super busy too, so we like to plan at least like one weekend a month to go do something or to at least like, if we're not going to go do something and then we have like a show that we like to watch together so we plan like a weekend to just stay at home, watch our show, stuff like that. So I'm assuming you've asked him, like what does he say about why he hasn't proposed yet?

We kind of don't really have the conversation. It's always like me kind of joking, kind of mostly not, but saying like, hey, like, are we getting married? Do you want to propose? And he's like, well, yeah, I'm like, well, when? And he said, he just jokes around. And he's like, well, could be 10 days could be 10 years, you know, it's never really like, he always says he's gonna marry, but I'm just, I don't want it to be 10 years, you know? Well, yeah, I mean, that's the thing. It's like, it's fine to

joke. I mean, it's a fine line, too, because you don't want to be the person who, you know? Well, yeah, I mean, that's the thing. It's like, it's fine to joke. I mean, it's a fine line too, because you don't wanna be the person who's constantly, when are you gonna marry me? When are you gonna marry me? And as a guy, it's kinda like, I don't like, like when you stop asking, you know? Like, it can get a little frustrating if you're really pressuring them.

Like I definitely, we, you know, I've been around people where I have to tell like my girlfriends, friends that are women, like, you need to stop bringing it up. You bring it up all the time. You're not helping your cause. The last thing you want is to wear this guy down so he proposes to you just to shut you up.

I know. And then you have a three year engagement or four year engagement or whatever. And it's kind of like, it's not really an engagement. It was just a ring did like by some time. You know, exactly. Yeah. You don't want that.

And that's like my whole issue, because when I talked to like my friends or anyone about it, it's like, well, and ultimately them and I'm like, no, cause I feel like that's forcing him like either marry me or we're going to break up, but like like I would like to know if he's gonna commit at some point. Yeah that's reasonable but I think that's also reasonable to ask it's you know it's reasonable to say hey babe I know like obviously I've joked with you and honestly I've probably been a little too passive aggressive and maybe that's been frustrating but at the same time like I

just I want to get on the same page with you. I'm not asking for a date. I'm not asking, I'm not giving you an ultimatum, but like, and maybe you are kinda half joking, but I'm not down for waiting 10 years. I'm not down for waiting five years. I want us to be ready, and that's fine if you're not ready yet, but like, what can we do as a couple

to get to the place where we are ready? And in the back of your mind, do you have any idea of when you think we will be ready? Because I'd like to know. Yeah. And that's a reasonable question. Yeah, and I think another big thing for him is I don't know who he's talked to

about rings or ring shopping, but for some reason he thinks I want this like super expensive ring and for some reason he thinks that he has to pay like all cash or I Like I don't know what he thinks but he just thinks is gonna break the bank and I'm like Like I don't need something crazy and I told him and like I've told him I don't need anything crazy And there's like payment plan or something. You don't have to pay $20,000 straight up. Two different conversations.

He doesn't think he has to pay all cash. He wants to pay all cash because generally as a guy, I've never met a guy who thinks like buying a ring is a great investment. I mean, I guess it's an investment in your love and it's an investment in this person, but it's not right. Like practically speaking, if he, he's thinking this is, it's not a practical investment, right? You're not going to sell it, right? Hopefully not. Right. Right. So it's not like you're going to ROI on your ring. It's just a material item. Whatever amount of money he thinks he

needs to spend on it, financing it is only gonna make it more expensive. And he knows that, which is why he wants to pay cash. Him paying cash is him saying, I can afford this. Because if you buy something for $10,000 cash, it's $10,000. If you buy something for $10,000, you put $1,000 down and you pay it over the course of three years, it costed him a lot more than $10,000. If you buy something for $10,000, you put $1,000 down and you pay it over the course of three years, it costed him a lot more than $10,000. Especially now with interest rates. So he wants to pay cash. He doesn't think he needs to. Now, as far as how much he needs to spend,

different conversation. I don't know what his expectations are. It also just might be an excuse to buy himself some more time. Yeah, and that's what I feel like. Okay, well, you need to communicate more with your fiance. The man you, I don't wanna say desperately, but are very impatiently waiting for him to propose. And for the person who's eager to marry this guy, I think you need to get a

little bit more comfortable having tougher conversations with him. Right. Yeah and that was my whole issue just like not knowing like how to have the conversation with him without it because I don't want it to like sound so serious to where I'm like okay this is an ultimatum like I need to know. Well it can be. But I also don't want it to be like a joke either like, hey. Well, like you can be serious without giving someone an ultimatum. Mm hmm. Does this mean something to you? Yeah.

Yeah. Does it matters to you? So you definitely should stop joking about it. Yeah. Maybe I want to talk. You know, just want to talk. Mm hmm. Yeah.

You don't have to turn in a fight. You're just like, Hey, I just want to like check in where we're at. Mm hmm. Yeah. You know, they're turning a fight. You're just like, hey, I just want to like check in where we're at. Yeah. So then what happens when he turns it into a joke? And he's, cause I feel like I've maybe tried to be like, like, when is it like, is it going to soon? Like, or like, do you have any intention? Then that's when he's like the, Oh, it could be 10 years.

Like it's going to happen. I just I just don't know when, you know? Yeah, I'm trying to think, you know, like, thankfully with Nellie and I, it just kinda happened somewhat organically. But like, it's not to say that she didn't like, jokingly like, mention when she was ready and things like that. Obviously our situation is a little different.

But yeah, I mean, listen, you just gotta, it is a fine line between, I think you can have a conversation and just check in and you're asking for some clarity because he has joked and said 10 years. And it's just like, I just wanna make sure you're, I think you're joking, but I honestly don't know if you are.

Right. And I really have no idea. And I'm pretty sure it's not gonna be in 10 days. Right. You know? And I really have no idea. And I'm pretty sure it's not gonna be in 10 days. Right. You know? Does he have any idea of what kind of ring you want? Yeah, oh, yeah. He does?

Yeah, for sure. Yeah. Oh, okay. And how much, and why do you think he thinks it costs more than it should? I don't know, just because we've never really like went like ring shopping or anything. So he just knows like the general idea and like, like Pinterest pictures

and stuff, but we haven't actually like, actually looked at the prices and stuff. So I just don't think he's taking the time to look into it. So he has no idea how much he would need to save. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. So it's clearly like not on his radar. I know. Do you have any idea why? No, I have no idea

why because I like, why don't you like, I feel like the most like the most part I'm like, well, why haven't we and there's really no answer. Well, I don't know. That's not you don't know you haven't asked. I know. But he had I mean, I feel like if there was a reason we wouldn't be together, or like he'd tell me like, hey, stop doing this, you know? My guess is, and I know nothing about your relationship other than what you've told me, and I know nothing about him other than what you told me,

my guess is, is that he's comfortable with your current situation. He lives with you. He has everything in a relationship that he's comfortable with your current situation. He lives with you. He has everything in a relationship that he would get otherwise. That is the downside of kind of our modern society is that you really have to wanna marry someone to get married these days

because all the other benefits that came with marriage don't seem to really matter anymore. Marriage in itself is a very kind of outdated tradition in a way, one could argue, other than like your own kind of personal, I don't know how religious you are, things like that. Obviously it matters in those spaces, but from a practical standpoint,

your relationship doesn't change all that much when you get married. Other than the fact that he is now kind of on the hook. What if he said, yeah, I'd marry you tomorrow if you signed a prenup, how would you feel about that? I would be fine with that. Okay, all right. Because there's, yeah, there's really.

Does he have any idea about that? I mean. I don't know. What do you mean? Does he have an idea that you'd be willing to do that? Yeah, I think we had that conversation way back when we first started dating, like it was kind of like a joke, but like we've had that conversation

and it was like, yeah, I mean, there's really no issue. But yeah, I mean, that's just my guess, is that like there's just no incentive for him to do it. He's very comfortable with his current situation. Mm-hmm. You know? And I get that, but like what am I supposed to do about that, nothing?

Just, or like. No, no, not nothing. I don't know. You need to talk to him, is what you need. And you need to stop, you need to stop sitting around and hoping that one day he wakes up and says, I need to marry this girl tomorrow. I'm gonna go by the ring.

And if, you know, that's a plan, but that's not a very good plan. And that plan could take much longer than you're wanting to wait, you know? So step one is being willing to have a conversation with him that doesn't include you making a bunch of jokes and being kind of passive aggressive, but you just say, hey babe, can we sit down and talk?

Obviously I've mentioned this before, but I really wanna settle down and marry you soon, sooner than later. I know you've joked about it, but I'd love to have some ideas a couple of What our plans for the future are, you know, do you want to have kids someday? Kids aren't really on our radar right now, but I mean it's not completely out of the question So sorry, you're iffy iffy if you even want to have kids. Yeah, okay

You could kind of use you could have used that it's only that because you know It was part of planning one's life, so to speak. Right. But why do you want to get married? It's really just like the commitment. Like I want his commitment to me. You want to be stuck with you? Yeah.

But he tells me like we don't need a whole wedding or like a ring for him to be committed to me. Well, that's technically true. But I a ring for him to be committed to me. Which is not fair. Well, that's technically true. It's technically true. A wedding these days, the difference between your situation now and your situation after getting married is that to break up requires lawyers.

Right. This is more expensive for the both of you. I'm not trying to convince you not to get married, but I'm just saying you have to really wanna get married. And he has to really to get married, but I'm just saying you have to really want to get married and he has to really want to get married too. And you need to, again, communicate with him that despite your current situation being nice and lovely, that you want a little bit more.

You want more of a commitment. And you're willing to wait a little bit, but you need to, you're not okay with the both of you, just this being your life. And you need to make that clear. And so it's like, you're kind of like setting the table for a potential ultimatum down the line, because the way for him to do this,

he has to, you have to create some kind of urgency. And that's where ultimatums, that's where ultimatums, that's where ultimatums, why can't I say the word ultimatum? Ultimatums, ultimatums. That's where ultimatums, that's where ultimatums, why can't I say the word ultimatum? Ultimatums, ultimatums. That's where ultimatums come from, is creating urgency. It's just like, hey, this person's getting real comfortable,

there's no urgency, they might wait forever, so I need to make them choose. And you don't wanna do that, right? Obviously, but like you do, you want some you want some clarity and you want to set some kind of expectations around some kind of timeline that you can hold them accountable. Because yeah, you're only 24 now, but you know, 27. And you know, this could easily, easily,

cause you are only 24, you are really young, right? And because he's 30, he looks at you and think, I waited till I'm 30 and I've 30 and I'm fine, I'm good. Right, right. So it's gonna fall on deaf ears for you to say to him, I'm like, I'm not getting any younger type of thing. So it's just about you wanting to take the next step with him. Right, yeah.

And that next step is that more of a commitment in a relationship. You're just to have to talk to him about it and maybe talk more about what your future looks like together. I'd be really curious. I'm guessing you guys aren't in any type of couples therapy. Yeah. No. I would be curious what he would say to that. Like if you would just say, babe, I was thinking love you and just, you know, really like I love you. And overall, I just want you to know, I'm like, I'm so grateful to have you, I'm happy. I love our relationship.

But I was thinking, I was wondering if you would go to couples therapy with me. Now, before you say no, and before you say, why would we go to couples therapy? There's nothing wrong with our relationship. I just want to go to couples therapy with you because like I love our relationship. I wanna protect our relationship. I just want to go to couples therapy with you because I love our relationship, I wanna protect our relationship.

I've heard that couples therapy is great in more preventative ways. I always wanna find more ways to connect with you and to be on the same page with you. And I think it'd just be a way for us to continue to bond together. And it's just really important to me. To me, it's a commitment to our relationship

that we're both willing to check in from time to time and grow our connection. And it's something I'd really like to do. Well, I've actually had that conversation with him before and it was just more of a like, if things were to, and I know it's better as a preventative thing, but I was like, if things were to go like, bad, like would you ever be willing to do that?

And it was a no. Which that was a couple years ago also. So a couple years ago, you presented a scenario that doesn't even exist. And your scenario was, if we fell at hard times, would you be willing to go to couples therapy to fix it? And he was like, absolutely not. Yeah, just because he's more traditional

and it's like we don't need other people to help us. We'll be able to get through it ourselves. How does he know that? You presented a scenario where it's not, what if you said it's not possible? What if you said in this scenario, this made up scenario? No, listen, that's a challenge. So right now you want to get married to someone

that has no interest in seeking out help if help is needed for the sake of your relationship. Right, yeah. That's a little concerning. I know. I know, but maybe I'm just hoping that it never comes to that. And if it does, then he would change his mind because he loves me. I hope. I Hope, I hope.

I hope. I know, it's full of I hope. Yeah, you hope too much with this guy. I know. I mean, I would take advantage of the fact that you're only 24. And I don't wanna like start creating any doubt. It sounds like you're generally really happy with this guy,

but he says some things that cause me concern for your future. Yeah. And more than anything, I think he is really used to being comfortable with telling you no and expecting you to accept his answer without any conflict or discussion. Yeah. And I think that's a problem or discussion. Yeah.

And I think that's a problem for you. Yeah. He is not afraid to tell you no. He's not, that's for sure. And I think it's, you know, and just, you know, like I want to be clear, like, obviously I think as human beings and an individual, we always have the right to set boundaries

and say, I'm not comfortable with that, no. Right. That's not what I'm saying, but it's very easy for him to not want to do something and to say, I don't feel like doing it. And maybe that's a better way of saying it. He's very comfortable with telling you, I don't feel like doing that,

and expecting you to accept his answer. Which I feel like is an accurate statement. And he is not worried about disappointing you. He is not worried about, well, what will she think or feel about me or what will she do if I don't do the thing that she needs me to do? And that's probably not gonna get better. It's probably only gonna get worse

because he's just getting more comfortable with that. Well, the good news is, is that forgetting about the fact that you've already dated for four years, because like, who gives a shit that you dated for a year when you were 20 or 21 or 22, you know what I'm saying? Like, right. You were those four years ago, you're different people and things like that. So I would get out of your like the fact you've already been dating for four years. I know it feels like a long time, but am I making sense? Yeah, yeah you are.

And I feel like that's the advice I get from my friends and family too. So it makes sense. To me this is an opportunity for you to really see is this the guy for me? You are only 24. And maybe it is. Maybe the answer is absolutely yes. But if it's not, I'm guessing you'd rather be 25 than 35 when you find that out. And I'm guessing you would rather find out that he's not your guy at 24 or 25 than to find out at 30 and then have to get divorced, right? Yeah?

Do you agree there? So the good news is you're not engaged, you're not married. And I think you still have some questions. I think there are some questions you don't have answers to that I, if I were you, I'd want answers to. Yeah. And I think, so what do you ask,

your big question is, what do I do? I think you start, we willing to communicate your expectations of what you want in this relationship. Yeah. And if he keeps saying no, you need to find a way to say, listen, like I'm not trying to give you an ultimatum, right? I'm not saying I need to get married in six months.

In fact, you know, maybe I won't be married, but what I want from you is I want us to, I want to feel like you're always willing to work on our relationship. And even if you don't agree that there's a problem, I want you to be willing to work on our relationship. And even if you don't agree that there's a problem, I want you to be willing to do whatever it takes to make our connection stronger. Yeah.

Because I don't know what the future is gonna hold between us. I don't know what challenges and adversity we're gonna face. So I don't know what help we'll need. And to say that we will get through it together, how can we possibly say that? How do we know what we're gonna deal with? Even relationship experts get therapy. Yeah. You know, so like, you know, just because you're,

I don't know, you're more traditional, you know, well, are you, you know, what does that mean? Does that mean he expects to marry you and that you to be your traditional subservient, but they're like, well, you can't divorce me because you're my wife you know because you swore an oath to God and I don't know maybe does he believe that I don't know do you know you know okay so when he throws out traditional in your face just be like what does that even mean right yeah I'm not as traditional as you pretend to be and maybe a point know. It's very pick and choose-y traditional. You're selectively traditional.

So if you're not comfortable with therapy, just admit that. Yeah, exactly. But like don't take no for an answer if you don't wanna take it for an answer. Don't concede so easily about things that are really important to you. But you gotta figure out what those things are first.

Yeah. What hills are you willing to die on? I would get rid of the hope. You know, I would write down if I were you, all the things that you hope would change in this relationship, right? And I don't figure out how many of those things are, right? And then when you get that list, maybe it's three,

maybe it's 20, I don't know. But you need to then ask yourself, instead of hoping, what do I need to do to figure out how to make this happen in my relationship? Or am I willing to accept that I'll never have that? Yeah, that makes sense, yeah. And that's way more effective and realistic than hoping.

If you continue with this relationship hoping for things, you should just assume it's not gonna happen. Because's not going to magically wake up one day and go, you know what, therapy sounds like a great idea. You know, if he's set in his ways and comfortable with disappointing you and comfortable with not doing things he doesn't want to do, he's only going to get more comfortable with that. You need to show him someone who's willing to set some boundaries, who's willing to say, well, I'm not gonna accept that as an answer because this is really important to me,

so I need this from you. And you need to start seeing if he's willing to do those things. And if he's not, then you need to start asking yourself, is this the guy I really wanna marry? I know I've been dating him for four years, I know I've invested a lot of my life in him. I know that right now all my friends are getting married

and having kids and I feel like a bit of an outsider, but is that a reason to get engaged and marry someone? Absolutely not. Because I am only 24, you're incredibly young. You could leave this guy, be sad for six months, still only be 24, 25, be single for a year and a half, and then all of a sudden you meet the rest, the love of your life at 27, which I know may feel

older than you wanna believe, but you've got your whole life in front of you with someone who might be willing to do couples therapy with you, who isn't gonna make you wait this long. Don't you feel kinda silly till some of the you know, you have, don't you feel kind of silly till some of the questions I'm asking that you don't have answers to

for someone you've been dating for four years? Yeah. That should tell you something. Yep. You know? Yeah. And again, I'm not saying this guy isn't your guy. I think you don't really know yet

because I think you've been kind of afraid of asking the tough questions for fear of him saying no. And I'm a big believer, like I think we should always realize that we can leave a relationship until you are married and even if you are married, because right now you mentally are married. Mentally, you're not even considering the possibility of you guys ever breaking up.

It's off the table for you. Why? You're not married? I don't know just because I I do feel like 24 and I know that's young but I do feel like I am ready so I don't doubt you're ready. Listen I felt like I was I felt like I was ready for marriage a long time before I got married. Right. You know I was single most of my 30s. The whole time I was like, I'm ready to get married if I meet the right person, you know.

So you being ready to get married doesn't mean you should get married. Yeah, that's very true. You need to get married to the right person because again, you know, you have, I'm sure there's a big part of you that has very traditional, right? I think you have a lot of traditional qualities,

I'm guessing, right? I'm guessing if you get married, you wanna get married to that person and stay married for the rest of your life, if you can help it, yeah? Right. Marriage is a very long time. Yeah.

Very long time. It's much longer than four years, right? And you need to be able to, and things don't get easier, they generally get harder when it comes to community. If you don't have the framework down now. You know, it's like you can't teach an old dog new tricks, so to speak, right?

So like, you're hoping that this old dog, you know, he's not old, but like, will learn new tricks as you just date longer, as he gets older, you know? Not a good plan. I would love for you to say to yourself over and over, until he's my husband, there's a chance he might not be. And that's okay. Because I deserve to get married to someone

who really wants to get married to me. And maybe he is. Because again, it sounds like you're generally happy with this relationship and there's a lot of good stuff and he seems like a swell guy. happy with this relationship and there's a lot of good stuff and he seems like a swell guy. But I don't want you to become a statistic and not asking the right questions and not being willing to like figure out what's important to you and stop hoping for things to change. Continue to do the things that you're doing, you're really setting yourself up to become a

statistic someday. Because eventually your current situation, however it really setting yourself up to become a statistic someday. Yeah. Because eventually, your current situation, however it is, even if there was a ring on your finger, if things never changed, do you think you would get more frustrated or less frustrated with the relationship? Well, probably more. Yeah, I think I just need to be able

to have those tough conversations. Yeah, first, the tough conversations with yourself and that tough conversation is acknowledging that he might not be my guy. Right. And you're only saying that because you're just not married yet. So you shouldn't be committing yourself and your soul and your heart to him long-term and forever when he hasn't, he doesn't, he's undeserving of this. Yeah.

And I would be certain that he's willing to do the work before you get into something that requires a lot of it. Yeah, yeah, definitely. Because marriage requires a lot of work. Even for the happiest of couples, even for the ones that have a lot in common and there's no video games and that, it takes a lot of work.

There's stress throughout every corner. Is this helpful? Did I put you in a bad mood? Yes, yes, I just, yeah, it's helpful knowing that, like just having your point of view and knowing that I need to have those conversations and be serious and like. So yeah, so next steps for you

is one, having that conversation with yourself. I would make a literal list of all the things that you hope change in this relationship and then figure out which things you're okay with never changing. Yeah. There may be some of those things you're like, you know, listen, I don't know,

he's never gonna do this, it's fine. I can live with this, no big deal. Maybe there's something in that list that you learn to accept. And that's part of marriage, it's part of a relationship. Learn to accept things you don't like about your partner that will never change, you put up with it. But there's other things, I'm guessing,

that are on this list that you are, if you're really honest with yourself, you're just like, if I never get this in a relationship, I'm gonna be miserable, and I'm tired of waiting, and I'm tired of putting up with this, and I'm tired of always just being told no for this, and I want more. And you need to figure out which of those things

you're hoping change that you aren't okay with accepting that he's willing to work on with you. And then you need to figure out how to present that to him. I really need this in our relationship. I really want that. I'm not okay with waiting till 10 years. And you just need to be comfortable with having, and especially if you're okay with taking his no for therapy off the table

or taking his no for therapy, then you really need to be good at bringing up tough conversations. Yeah. And, hey, I really want to talk about this with you. And fine, we're not going to do it with a therapist, but I still want to do it with you. Yeah. And you need to be willing to get into it with them.

Mm-hmm. Cause yeah. Yeah, definitely. All right. Yeah. All right. Good luck. Hopefully this was helpful.

Yeah, it was very helpful. Thank you so much. Keep us updated. We'd love an update on what, how you approach this, but. Yeah, I will for sure. You're, you're super young. Yes. And if you wanna get married at 25, that's amazing,

and I hope that happens for you. But it's also okay if it doesn't. That's the only thing I want you to be okay with is just saying it's okay if it doesn't happen when I want it to happen. Yes, and I definitely need to get better at that. Yeah, because I promise you will be. And the last thing you want is to marry the wrong person. Yeah. And he might be a good guy,

swell guy, but like he's he's giving off some red flags in terms of husband material. Right. Yeah. You know, husband material requires the willingness to work on things, even if that makes us a little uncomfortable. Mm-hmm. Yep. All right. Hey, yeah. Good luck. Yeah, thank you so much. All right, my pleasure. Bye.

Thanks for listening. Don't forget to send in those questions at asknickofthevilefiles.com for all things Ask Nick and texting office hours. We'll see you tomorrow. Bye.