The Viall Files - E805 Ask Nick - Divorcing With A Newborn

Episode Date: September 9, 2024

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! We start off the episode exploring the black cat/golden retriever relationship theory. Then we get to our callers…  Our first caller just gave birth and found out her husband is cheating on her. Our second caller hooked up with a guy who had a disease. And, our third caller’s husband doesn’t think texting other women is cheating.   “I could feel his demeanor change, I remember feeling scared.” Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice, send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Altoids - Find Altoids In The Check-Out Aisle! Grab Your Tin Today!  BetterHelp - Visit https://BetterHelp.com/VIALL today to get 10% off your first month. Huggies - Learn More At https://www.Huggies.com  Helix Sleep - Helix is offering up to 25% off all mattress orders AND two free pillows for our listeners! Go to https://www.HelixSleep.com/Viall  Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @justinkaphillips @dereklanerussell @kymccarthy23 @allisonklemes

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What's going on everybody. Welcome back to a new and exciting episode of the Vox House Ask Nick edition. I am your host, Nick joined joined by sweet boy, Justin, as usual, and Sierra, it just happened, she's just here. Welcome. I don't know why, fuck it. They can't get rid of me. She's literally just like, okay, I guess we'll. Roll into the next one.

Sure. We are excited to be with you, we really are. We have a great, great, great, great, great week lined up for you. We got some great calls, excited to get to do those momentarily. Plus we have Jonathan from The Bachelorette with us tomorrow. And the Secret Lives of Mormon Wives.

That's a special episode of Going Deeper this Wednesday with all of the ladies from The Secret Wives of Mormon Lives. We have them all. It's out now. We will be covering it, recapping episodes one and two tomorrow. Then we have a good GD episode with all the ladies. It's an ensemble cast. Of course Whitney won't be there

because Whitney didn't want to come. It's so Whitney over. I deserve it. You know what I'm saying? If you watch, you'll know what I'm saying. It's a good, it's out. It came out on Friday. It's on Hulu, check it out.

So you got Lives of the Mormon Wives. But they, we got the whole cast with us. We had Taylor, Frankie, Paul with us last week. She is the star. Yeah She's a star. She's one it's just you know, anyways, uh, she obviously has a very Wild past troubled past if you will she has been arrested for some very not great things But we had a very intense conversation very meaningful conversation and we talked about that past and her path forward. And I thought it was very open and honest, and I really enjoyed it.

I hope you enjoy listening to it. I feel like you've been living on a rock, if you haven't heard about it, Taylor-Frankie Paul, Mormon, soft swinging. It's a good episode for our Ask Nick listeners. It is. To get into the nitty gritty and like the advice. Yes, yes, yes.

So anyways, great week. And then we have obviously reality recap, again on Thursday, the more great guests coming your way. We're excited that a lot of you loved our football segment with Peter Schrager, my friend. Will we be dabbling in a little NFL football this season? Don't know how the Packers did on Friday because that game is tomorrow.

We're recording this early, but I hope they won. I hope you enjoyed opening weekend of the NFL. I know I did. Anyways, Justin has a game. Not a game, but I wanted to introduce you to the Black Cat and Golden Retriever dating theory. I'm a Black Cat. Oh, so you know of it.

No. Okay. I'm just not a Golden Retriever. Okay, so remember- Have you met me? Well, you don't know. We'll go through the specifications and explain what it is. I'm just not a golden retriever. Okay, so remember. Have you met me? Well, you don't know. We'll go through the specifications and explain what it is.

I'm a pussy. What? Well, you might be that, but you might not be a black cat. Okay, well basically. I won special forces. You can't call me a pussy. Exactly. You said it first though.

No. I don't give a fuck. I've been called worse. Okay, so basically there is this theory that in every successful relationship, there's a black cat and the golden retriever. And the black cat, and so- And now he's my golden retriever.

So here you go. So the black cat golden retriever theory derives from stereotypes associated with each pet. Which one are you? The golden retriever represents a bubbly, energetic, and loyal partner while the black cat embodies a more reserved, independent, enigmatic demeanor. What does enigmatic mean?

Enigma. Don't guess. I'm not, I'm looking at it. You're like, hmm. Enigmatic. It means difficult to interpret or understand, mysterious. A mysterious demeanor, okay. I've been called mysterious a few times.

So this theory in general is like opposites attract is what it's trying to say. So the qualities of a black cat, you enjoy your alone time, you hate small talk, you have niche interests, you're hard to get at first, you remain calm and collected. And then the qualities of a golden retriever,

you thrive in social settings. I mean, I can if I want to, but Natalie's definitely more that person. Okay. You're warm and affectionate. No, that's not me. You live for spontaneous adventures. That's kind of you though.

Oh, I mean, yeah, sure. I mean, I can. It's more than that, I don't like to plan. Okay, you don't like to plan. Oh no. So, okay, you need to be challenged. But I definitely, like, when Nali's like, let's paint today!

I'm like, no, my God. No. You need to be challenged. Yes. And you're the ultimate cheerleader. This is a cat or the golden retriever? Golden retriever. Golden retriever needs to be challenged?

Yeah. Ultimate cheerleader. Something to get that energy out. Well, I mean, Nali's definitely more the golden retriever. Golden retriever. Golden retriever needs to be challenged. Yeah. Ultimate cheerleader. Something to get that energy out. Well, I mean, definitely, now there's definitely more of the golden retriever. She's got some black cat in her. I think it's kind of interchangeable, depending upon. I think so too.

Because. Settings. Is Connor maybe the golden retriever? Connor's the golden retriever for sure, but like, I feel like in certain social settings, or like when I need to be on, I'm very golden retriever-esque. I can be a golden retriever. It's like I can be, but- Just sucks the fucking life out of me.

Thank you. God, that was exhausting. I literally just go home and crawl into bed. Hi, Brene for a year. Yes. But I can do it. Yeah, that's me too, black cat. Yeah, I don't like to be touched.

I'm like when I want to be pet is when I'll curl up next to you, but for the most part, don't fucking touch me. Like don't tell me what to do. Don't put me on a leash. Does that make us the pussycat dolls? Fuck yes. Sign me up.

Well, okay. So celebrity examples, Rihanna and A$AP Rocky. Who do you think's the black cat? Who do you think's the golden retriever? Rihanna and A$AP Rocky. Rihanna's the cat. Yep. Zendaya and Tom Holland.

Please, come on. Yeah. Zendaya's the cat. Yep. Zendaya and Tom Holland. Please, come on. Yeah. Zendaya's the cat. Yeah. Meghan Markle and Prince Harry. Meghan cat. Nick Viall and Natalie Viall. Nick's the cat.

Okay. So there you go. Is it most men or the golden retrievers? No. No. No. Well, okay. I was like, both of you are black cats.

Heidi Montauk and Spencer Pratt. I feel like Heidi Montauk would be golden retriever Isn't this more like introvert and extrovert a little bit? I think it's more vibes too because you can be extroverted and still be like get off me. Yeah Well, I mean you can also be an ambient ever. That's true. There's a spectrum So then what's the ambiver of a black cat and a golden retriever? I'm a black retriever A golden cat. I'm gonna call it black labs.

Whatever. I'm a hybrid. I can't be put in a box. Do we think this is like an unnecessary label? Or do you think it's fun and cute? It's fun and cute. I think it's cute too, cause it's like, again, cats have war moments.

Dogs sometimes like to lie by themselves and just take a nap somewhere. So I'm like, I think it's a little bit nicer than just like introvert versus extrovert. I do think for compatibility purposes, you need a healthy combination of a ton of similarities and like interests. Like you have to like to do the same things. Yeah.

You have to like to eat the same food. You have to like to watch the same stuff. You like to have to eat the same food. You have to like to watch the same stuff. You like to have to do the same things. Cause like if every day is a negotiation of who has to make the sacrifice today, that's fucking exhausting. At the same time, it's also, I think important for, there'd be a healthy like, yeah, you play a role

and I play a role and like some differences and you know, you counteract with each other. I think you can't be dating you. I've also realized, my other people I hate the most, and I'm really honest with myself, I'm like, remind me of me. Wow. They do say that.

We're our own biggest enemy, right? Yeah, or they say like- It's not, I mean, I think sometimes, as I get older, I see bad habits in people that really annoy me, and then I'll be like, I guess I've been capable of doing that. You know, so submit a little more self-awareness. And I think I've gotten better at some of those bad habits. And I think I'm just more critical and harsher to those, you know, because I discussed myself.

But yeah. Can you give us a little like, rar? Rar. Pretty good. Pretty good. Pretty good. Before we get to our callers, don't forget to write in those questions at asknicathevalfiles.com. Please send in those updates as well. Can we get a couple on here soon?

Come on, guys. Mediations. I know there's a couple out there that just needs someone like me to help out. Okay. I have a good track record. I'm just saying. I know I'm not a professional, but I am right often in the history of the show. Is this contribute, do you want us to contribute?

No, sorry, let's get to our colors. Was your time with Nick? Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going? Good, how are you? I'm alright, what's your name? Emma. Hi Emma, how can I help? I have an eight month old child and my husband's leaving me.

Okay. Do you know why he's leaving you? Well, I caught him lying and cheating. Okay. And he got really angry. So the first part was that I caught him lying about money. He was hiding lots of debt from me. Oh boy.

How old are you by the way? 32. Okay. So you caught him lying, cheating, lying about money. And when you say cheating, you mean like cheating, cheating or like cheating on his taxes? No, cheating. He was seeing escorts.

Oh, okay. So this is a lot. This is... Yeah, so... So this is a lot, this is. Yeah, so. So maybe another way of putting it is you found out your husband is not the person you thought he was. Times a lot. Exactly.

Yeah? Yeah. I'd love for you, starting this moment right now, is to start changing your narrative in your head. Because saying your husband's leaving you is a lot different than you saying, I've just found out, I know they both suck, don't get me wrong.

It's different than saying, I've realized my husband is not who he was and now I need to do something about that. Yeah. Yeah. I wouldn't have stayed anyways, you know? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I would have maybe tried to work on the depth part, but the escorts is like a whole other ball game,

like I could never. And as hard as it is, and he gets no credit for this to be clear, but he did you a favor by responding the way he did, which is to get defensive and quote unquote leave you. I would have hated almost for you for him to, um, I'm so sorry, you know, I mean, I, you know, who am I to say? I don't know. But like that would, that would have made your, that, that would have made your decision even harder.

Oh yeah. Especially with a young baby, like, and I've always dreamed of having this family, you know, so it's just, I would have had a really hard time leaving, you're absolutely right, it would have been really difficult. Yeah, I mean, your instinct would be to do, I need to do whatever I have to, to protect this family and my child.

Yeah. And if they're, you know, we got to start looking for silver linings for you, right? Because you're in a tough spot. And right now I can only assume that it feels, the world feels pretty tough right now. It doesn't, you don't probably don't see a lot of light right now.

But there is always light in dark situations. And this is, this isn't meant to make you feel better, but the silver lining is too, is that yeah, like he is already giving you a path forward. You're only 32, you'll look fantastic. You have a beautiful child, right? We don't regret the child, correct? No, absolutely not.

He's so sweet. Yeah. And that's not to say that, yeah, difficult, difficult that this, you know, this man is in your life for the next 17 and a half years. So what do, what can I help you out with? So I'm just confused about his reactions and why he did this. It's very confusing to me to see him so angry when he's the one who's done something wrong. And then, like he's continuing to be mean to me. It hasn't stopped. Like he's continually texting me how horrible I am,

how like controlling I am. And- Sounds like unfortunately you married a bad guy. So like it's obvious, you know, listen, I don't, I doubt you were perfect in this relationship. No one is, right? And I don't care how controlling you were. I don't care how demanding you were. It doesn't justify his actions, right? It doesn't explain his actions. He could have easily, you know, had your husband showed up and said, hey, I'm not happy. I want a divorce.

You know, I guess on some level, and he was like, you're too controlling. And whether you agreed or disagreed or, you know, whether it really would matter, I guess on some level you could be like, oh, I guess my husband divorced me because I'm so controlling. That's possible. Like, but that's not, that's not why he cheated. He cheated because he chose to take out his frustrations of his marriage or however you were in the marriage. You know, and he used to, and he did it in this very toxic and destructive way.

And instead of dealing with his actions, he would rather just put it all on you. Much easier for him to say it's your fault than to look in the mirror and say, I'm kind of a piece of shit. Yeah. You know, this is a man who is sleeping with escorts, lying about money while his eight month old son is at home.

That's kind of, he's a piece of shit, you know? And he doesn't want to acknowledge him being a piece of shit. Hurt people hurt people, you know what I'm saying? So that's the why. He wants, you know, he feels ashamed, he feels, you know, he's something going on in his life and it's easy for him to make you feel bad

about his actions rather than take accountability and responsibility for his. Much easier to say it's your fault rather than look in the mirror and be like, I'm a bad father, I'm not a man, you know, I'm weak. Because those are the truth. He's a weak person. We all have moments of weaknesses, right?

Being the difference between someone who has a moment of weakness, and a moment of weakness, maybe a year. You could be going through a rut where for like six months, you're just not your best way. You make a bunch of bad decisions. You cheat or whatever, you steal.

But some people still know what they're doing is fucked up, you know, and then at some point it comes to a head, right? And some people will take accountability, at least. He's not, right? He's not even there. So he's... There's nowhere I'm worse. So that's the why in terms of the why is he doing this. That's, you know, it's some version of that, right? It's some version of it's easier for him to blame you than take accountability for who he is as a person.

Hey, let me ask you this. I remember when I got engaged the first time and found out my, you know, that Beyonce was cheating on me. And there's definitely that, I can't believe this happened to me feeling, right? Which is a fraction of what you're going through right now. So I know and empathize with the fact that a lot of thoughts are like,

I can't believe this is happening to me, right? And that in itself is just a shocker. But that's not what I'm asking you. What I'm asking you is, when you look at your husband, how much of it is surprise for you to learn about these things? You look back in your relationship and who he is, were there signs, signals, or is this a total shocker? Does that make sense? He would lie about some things, like small things. He would have a joint and I would say like, please don't smoke a joint before you drive the car with the baby type things.

And he would hide it and I would smell it. And I would say, okay, I'm going to drive. You just had a joint. Um, and then he would get upset about that. So there's like a smaller. Yeah, that's weird. Yeah, I agree. So it was like a lack of boundaries and

understanding and respect for what I wanted. And I mean, it was unsafe for the baby. So unsafe for all of us. So I just didn't agree with things that he would hide things, but this was like a whole, like a much bigger scale of that. So I guess, yes, I did have some hints and clues along the way, but I never

expected this. I mean, I I guess, yes, I did have some hints and clues along the way, but I never expected this. How long you been together? Five years. When did you find this out? In May. In May? Well, I found out about the debt in May. I found out about the cheating in July.

When in July? Like beginning of July. What have you done since then? Seen a therapist. That's good. I mean I have a lawyer. We're dealing with mediation in October. So that's coming up. What do you mean mediation? So for the house that we're selling and for the baby for custody. But you do have a lawyer Yes Good good because I wanted to make sure that whatever you like, you know There's a time for grief and there's a time for healing but right now It's time for you to take care of yourself and your kid

Yeah, and I want you to and and I say this with all the empathy in the world But like there's a part of you need to just kind of step up right now, let that give you strength. You have something to fight for here, and that is the safety and security of you and your child. And you can feel sorry for yourself because you have a lot of reasons to, you know, you're down bad, but right now I want you to really focus

on getting through this more than you focus on why this happened to you. It did and it sucks and it is unfortunately a part of life. And I think part of being an adult, I think growing older, is just knowing that like I don't care who you are. Adversity and shitty things happen to all of us. And it doesn't matter about your privilege or your financial situation or where you come from. Life has, people, we're all flawed and we all desire human connection

and shit like this unfortunately happens all the time. That is not, I am not saying that to make you cynical and feel like you can't find this from someone else. And you very much can still have a family that you want. I just want you to know that and believe that. Again, you're only 32. What does your therapist say? I'm curious.

Well, with regards to the money, they call it financial abuse. He coerced me into paying off debt. So that's part of it too. Well, I mean you are married though, so I guess isn't it like you're debt his debt at this point right now? So I mean I'm in Canada, so there's if you're married less than five years, there are some options to do unequalization. So it's like instead of it being equalization of debt, it can be unequal.

Oh, okay. Interesting. Yeah. So in that case, it seemed like he did steal some money from you. Yeah. That sucks. But that's just more like, that's just accepting what happened, I guess.

Yeah. How are you, I mean, accepting what happened, I guess. Yeah. How are you, I mean, how are you right now? Like how is your overall mental health? I'm doing better. I was very, very down a few weeks ago. I've seen my doctor, I've gone on anxiety medication. That's definitely helping. But yeah, I felt like a bear was chasing me for a Again, in Canada, it's 18 months of maternity leave.

So I have a long time, which is also a good thing. I have time to process everything. How's your support system? Good. So I'm currently living with my dad, which has been great. He's a great person. I'm a great person. I'm a great person.

I'm a great person. I'm a great person. I'm a great person. I'm a great person. I'm a great person. I'm a great person. I'm a great person. I'm a great person. I'm your support system? In the office. Good. So I'm currently living with my dad, which has been great. He's so supportive.

My friends are also amazing. So they've been around to help out with taking care of the baby and just getting me out of the house. Just what I've been learning from my therapist. Okay. So you're talking about my. How is your therapist helping you move forward? I mean, my question to her was how do I prevent this from happening again?

Because obviously when I started waiting again, if I, am I going to see these red flags in someone from the beginning? Am I going to see, they lie to me about little things that there could potentially be bigger things that they're lying to me about. So yeah, that's something I would learn from this. What did your therapist say? She said like, it's so hard to see things in people that you're dating, like when they're hiding things from you, like there's no way you could know this. There's some truth to that. My advice to you is again, they're, they're, they're appearing,

but like now's not the time to worry about that. Like we got, we got more immediate problems and things to get over. And yes, you're absolutely going to date again and you will find Yes, you're absolutely gonna date again and you will find love and you will find the family. But like, let's get divorced first. Let's just set that fear aside for now. Knowing that there are, you know, it is difficult, yes. And your therapist is right. I mean, there's no way to really know.

But sure, there are things you could probably do and implement to protect yourself or at least reduce the possibility. You know, you get involved with someone who, you know, disappoints you the way you do. But the reality is, is like, it's not like you married a sociopath. I don't know, maybe your husband's a sociopath. You know, people change. Maybe he just changed in a way that's not the person you fell in love with, right? If you were to give him the benefit of the doubt, like, what do you think he's talking about when it comes to controlling and things like that? So with the debt, he's referring, like, I wanted to be financially stable with the baby and with our family and to be able to go on vacations and to do fun things.

Like, that was my goal in life. And he just doesn't care about being in debt. He wants to spend how he wants to spend. And he says that if I was more accepting of him as a person and just allowed him to be who he was, then he wouldn't have to lie to me. But I know that that's just like- Delusion, crazy. Delusion, yeah. So this has nothing to do with you being controlling. Actually, I would call him more controlling, right? He is demanding that you accept all his flaws,

regardless of what those flaws are and how they affect you and your family. And because you're not willing to do that, he thinks that makes you controlling. And that's crazy. Now let me ask you this. How quickly into your relationship did he start making demands like that? I don't know. He used to have a lot of people And that's crazy. Now let me ask you this, how quickly into your relationship

did he start making demands like that? I don't know. He used to have these angry outbursts every once in a while, but I really didn't see demands like that until we started living together. How easy is a father? I mean, he loves his kid, from what I see.

How involved he is. They spend a few hours together a day right now. He's just started asking for overnights with the baby. So if that'll happen in a month or so, he'll start getting them once a week or so. But I have noticed when he takes him, he plays with him, but like he's not attentive to like nap times or eating schedules or stuff like that.

So he's not, I mean, right now it's just like sitting on the ground and playing with him for like four hours. So it sounds like he's just. So he's not, I mean, right now it's just like sitting on the ground and playing with him for like four hours. Yeah. So it sounds like he's just like, he's, I mean, sure he loves his kid, but he's a, your husband's a very self-centered person. And it sounds like your husband is justifying

his self-centeredness because I don't know, I don't know what trauma he has, probably a lot, unresolved, but like however he's been victimized in the past is now justifying his behavior for him to be the self-centered person that he has become. Obviously we get off the phone, it's not going to change your reality. But I guess I just, I hope that I can leave you with at least a little optimism. And how could I help with that? If at all.

On a day to day basis nowadays, are you able to be optimistic about your future? Or are you still having a hard time with that? Depends on the day. Like today is a pretty good day. I definitely have my moments where I just feel like, I guess it depends on what we talk about with the lawyer, honestly, what comes up that week. And some days I think like, oh, I'm gonna lose

half the time I have with my child going forward and that's horrible to think about. Is that true or is that a fear? It's a potential if we end up with half, like 50-50 custody. What are you fighting for? Yeah. How does that work in Canada? The legal system sees equal parenting rights here.

So the mother usually ends up with a little bit more when they're younger, but as you get older, usually ends up being 50-50 as long as both parents want that. Do you think he does? I'm not sure. I hope for my kid's sake, but he wants to spend time with him. To a certain degree. Yeah. You know, I want more influence from me for sure.

Yeah. This is a tough situation, but. Yeah, I would say on a day to day, I would say it's really depressing to think about the future. But then like today I'm like, okay, well, I'm gonna find a place, we'll get settled. Maybe I'll have a date of myself here and there where I get to relax because he'll have the baby. I haven't had that in what a year now. So there's a little bit of optimism there, but yeah, it's very depressing to think about not having him every time he leaves the house with the baby. I feel very sad. It's horrible to watch my kid's face walking out the door because he looks confused and sad.

Just try not, you know, your baby's only eight months old. And I'm not saying you don't know your child best. I have a seventh month old. And when I walk out the door, you know, I know I'm coming home type of thing. But my guess is you're probably projecting a little bit of your sadness about the situation.

Oh, definitely. And it's probably not your eight month old. He's probably not all that confused. I think he sees my face sad when he's sad, you know? I think that's what's happening. So I need to try to be more happy for him or at least put a smile on when he's walking out the door. Yeah. Because yeah, he's only eight months old. I don't know how much he's processing about all this. And listen, again, since we're in the business of really trying to scrape and claw for any silver lining,

I'm kind of glad this happened to your kid when it was eight months and not eight years. He won't remember this, he won't know anything different. This will be his normal. And hell, you might have a really great stepdad in place by the time he's even old enough to remember. It's true. But you have a beautiful child.

And I think more than anything, we got to focus on that. And that is a great and wonderful thing that you have. You've replaced men before, you can do it again. That's true. You know? That's true. Almost the paradox that you're dealing with. And if you were 32, you called in and you found out your boyfriend was cheating on you

and having debt and cheating with escorts, you would be heartbroken and probably just as sad to a certain degree. But this whole like, I can't believe this happened to me and I have to get divorced and I have an eight month old baby, all the reasons why everyone listening, including myself have a ton of empathy for you. On the flip side, again, you do have a beautiful child.

And so part of what's making this whole situation worse for you and which feels so heavy is quote unquote the situation you're in, right? But the best thing about your situation is the fact that you do have a child. And that's almost what makes it harder. So instead of trying to make a bad situation worse by constantly saying, you know,

like when you're at your worst and you're having a bad day, and when we have bad days, we make it worse by like ruminating and saying, I can't believe this happened to me. I can't believe I'm in this position. You really gotta try to look at your son and just have that gratitude.

Because if you had a choice, you know, if a genie came out of a bottle before you had your son and said, all right, I'm gonna make you a deal. You You're going to have a child. You're going to have a son and you're going to love this kid. It's going to be your whole life. But here's how it's going to happen. You would still say yes. That's true. 100% would. And I think that's, you got to really focus on that. You know, you would, you would choose this situation for yourself. It was, if it was the only way for you to have your son. And the reality is, it is in fact the only way

that you were gonna have your son, because it happened. So rather than feeling sorry for yourself that it did happen, stop asking yourself why, and just look at your son and then have that gratitude for the fact that any moment you get to hold him and have him, it's the best thing that's ever happened to you. So you really gotta try to focus on that when you have your tough moments.

He really is such a joy. Like, I am very, very lucky. You are. I want you to hang on to that gratitude. Because like I said, like, there's a lot of 32 year olds out there who have been cheated on a lot. And most people listening to your story right now

have just more empathy for you because you're married with a kid, but you wouldn't trade that just to be someone's ex-girlfriend. So minus the societal standards and expectations of feeling like, oh, I'm a divorced woman with an eight month old kid, whatever. Who gives a fuck? You know, that's

just a matter of perspective. What you are is a hot 32 year old with the love of your life what happens to be your son. And no one can ever take that away from you. Thank you. Do you feel good about your lawyer? Yeah, she's great. Awesome. Awesome. How are your friends? How's your friend other than your dad? What's your support system look like? Well, my best friend is also a family lawyer, which is really helpful. So that's been good.

And I have, like, I just have a really good group of girlfriends that are around me. Most of my girlfriends are amazing. They're very supportive. They've been inviting me out to pool parties and getting me out of the house. They love my kid. That's awesome. Which is really nice. So you got some good stuff going for you here.

You got your job, you got some nice maternity leave. You like your job? Oh yeah, my work's been really supportive too. I haven't told many, but I told my boss and I called HR today, honestly, to set up, I just, I'm buying a place, a condo. So I just need a letter to say I'm going back to work in May. And yeah, my boss is just super supportive. They said, I need anything, just let them know.

You said your husband's still sending you mean texts. Yeah. Can we block them? So no, because of the parenting and the legal stuff, I can't, but they have an app here for co-parenting and it's like legally, can't, but they have an app here for co-parenting and it's like legally the court can have access to all the messages.

So he will be on that soon and hopefully he'll stop sending me nasty messages. Why not now? The court says haven't made him do it yet kind of thing. We sent a letter last week, so hopefully he'll get on that. Sweet. Okay.

I'm really sorry you're going through this. Thanks. Yeah, me too. It's a, it feels like a nightmare, but I know I'm so glad it happened now and not 10 years from now or 30 years from now. I couldn't imagine finding out that you've been doing this a whole marriage and then my whole life's gone. You know, that's still. Yeah, there's, I don't know if this is annoying, but yeah, there's right now, the best advice I can give you. I don't know what it's like to be in your situation, but I do know

it's like to feel like my world's falling apart. And I know what it's like to feel like I cannot believe this is happening to me. And I guess if you're feeling those feelings, it doesn't really matter what it is that's happening, because when you feel that, it's all relative in a matter of perspective. The best advice I can give you is to obsessively focus on whatever positives you have in your life. You're only human to have those thoughts of like, this feels like a nightmare,

and I can't believe this is happening to me. But when those thoughts pop in, you have to, you know, through your, you know, the work with your therapist and support from your friends and just, you know, some tough love from yourself is to like not allow those thoughts to ruminate and manifest and to quickly say, this isn't a nightmare. It sucks. Unfortunately, this happens to a lot of people.

I am one of those people, but I'm gonna get through it. I will get through it. We, my son, will get through it. I'm fortunate to have my father, my friend, the job that I have. I'm only 32. I look great. I have a lot going for me.

This is not what I wanted for myself, but I will get through this. And that's what I want you to obsess over as much as you can and try to limit how much you obsess over the fact that this is a nightmare and I can't believe this happened to me and the self-pity and the wishing it I wish I could take this all away. You can't, you know, but you time will heal. You will move on. You will move forward. Deal with your shit right now.

You have a good lawyer. You know, right now you're in a battle and use that again to stay out of the sad, sad state of mind. You know, it looks like you're fighting for you and your, your son right now and use that as motivation. Yeah. And this try to limit how, how often you stay in the self pity and the, and the feeling sorry for yourself, which again, you have more than a right to do. It's just not gonna do anything for you and just try to, you know,

focus your energy on the more productive things and anytime you feel really stuck just go look at your son, hold your son, be there with your son and just remind yourself is like this is how he was brought into your life and you can't change that. And I think it's a really good exercise to say if I was presented with this option, I would say yes to this option 100 out of 100 times if it was my only option. And the reality is it is,

this was your only option for you to have your son. Yeah, right, it's pretty perfect. And then when you start dating, give us a call. We'll talk through with it then, you know, and obviously talk with your therapist, but you through with it then, you know, and obviously talk with your therapist. But you'll take it slow, you know. Right now, I hope you just go around and fuck around and have some fun. I don't mean to maybe actually fuck around, but whatever you want to do, you know, but have some fun.

Yeah, I imagine maybe in the new year, I'll get onto the apps or whatever. I haven't done that in so long. It's gonna be strange. Don't set weird deadlines for yourself. It's almost like pressure in the new year. I'm going to do this. Yeah. It's just strange. I'm living with my dad.

I feel like that's so weird. You talking to other guys than you're. I don't know. When I was 28 and I got engaged and then found out she hated me. Uh, I moved in with my grandma, which I'll be honest, they didn't love that at the time. I was like, I'm like, when I thought I was starting my family and doing all the things, I'm really doing it.

And then quickly found out this is not what's happening. And then what it was even worse, I had to move in with grandma. But now, now I'm very grateful for those, that time I had with my grandma. And you will be very grateful this time you have with your dad. I promise you that.

I know that, yeah. He's like, old already, loving the time with his grandson. He's the best, yeah. This will be a time you cherish. I promise you, it will be. You can't see it right now, but it will be. You just gotta stay strong. And challenge yourself to find

your strength. You're allowed to have your weak moments but don't let yourself sit in it and challenge yourself to be strong because you are and have that resilience. Right now you got to focus on your emotional resiliency and this is an opportunity for you to do that and when you do, when you rise of this occasion, this will leave a scar, for sure. You're not going to forget that this happened. You will heal, but it'll leave a scar. But that scar will make you tougher in the future. And continue on with therapy so that the therapy will help you it just be a scar and not a wound that constantly gets

open. And therapy will help you be emotionally resilient but not, you know, carry that baggage forward in your next relationship and that will be an ongoing thing that you'll always have to work through. She told me I'll likely be a little bit more like too alert in the next relationship. Yeah a little bit sure at first. Something we'll work on. Yeah but you'll work on it that's what I'm saying and you will be stronger for it. Yeah, just teach me boundaries, that's for sure. So much of your happiness in the next six to 12 months has to do with your willingness to adjust your point of view on the situation you're going through.

And it's your decision to either embrace the fact that you have a lot more quality time with your dad and your son has more quality time with his grandfather, and embrace the fact that you have a lot more quality time with your dad and your son has more quality time with his grandfather and embrace the fact that you're very fortunate to have the friends that you have with the professions that they have and the support that you have or you can obsessively think about I can't believe I married this piece of shit asshole and I can't believe this happened to me and I can't believe I'm a single mom who has an eight-month-old and those are two different choices and it is a choice Yeah, and your ability to focus on the former

It will make all the difference in how you get through this because it's always gonna be difficult But it could you you can make it easier on yourself By focusing on those on those things you have that you you have the right to be grateful for Yeah, and I am grateful for them. I mean we're never gonna get this much time with my dad again. So you're right. It is really important that I focus on that. In 10 years from now, I don't know where you'll be, but he'll be far less of your life

and he'll just be someone you have to deal with. But you'll be so thankful you don't. You'll be so thankful he's not your husband. You'll be so thankful that you just, you won't care that you're single. Like, you probably won't be single but like even if you are whatever you have your I'll be in a good financial place I won't be living in debt the rest of my life with a guy who treats me horribly so yeah you're right right probably

before you found out this out I'm guessing you were pretty miserable for the last while yes honestly the day I gave birth was the best day of my life. He was so supportive and it was great. There are definitely moments where he had anger leading up to us having a baby and like throughout our whole relationship he had, he struggled with emotional regulation. But I thought it was getting better and then after the baby it's just, I mean, especially after I found out the things he was hiding. Yeah, you're thinking it got better,

maybe being him getting it out of his system in very toxic ways. I think it was convenient for him. I think I had a good chunk of money going into our relationship. And then when he needed to support me on maternity leave, it was not convenient anymore. Yeah. I think that's what happened. Sounds like you married a loser. Yeah, seems like that. So you know again when you get back out there give us a call but like we'll just try to figure out how you can try to avoid the losers.

Maybe you got some fix-em energy in you, we all do a little bit. Maybe your success has allowed you to look the other way and accept certain people's failures that maybe you shouldn't need to accept. And maybe it's just about finding your equal rather than just finding somebody at all. Yeah, and like just looking for someone where I don't have to like beg them to love me, you know?

Yeah. Like it needs to be, like I don't need to be like looking for someone to give me attention. Like they need to want to give me attention. Yeah, and you'll definitely find that. I don't know when, you'll probably have to be a lot more patient than you want to be looking for someone to give me attention, like they need to want to give me attention. Yeah, and you'll definitely find that. I don't know when, you'll probably have to be a lot more patient than you wanna be, but you will definitely find it.

And in the meantime, have some fun, have some meaningless sex, and don't combine hookup culture with dating culture. Separate the two, but you are allowed to fuck around and find out for a little bit, but be safe out there. I just want you right now to be not worried about dating. Put that off to the side because dating is kind of worrying about other people. I want you to focus solely on yourself and your son and what you need and do whatever

the fuck that you want right now. You deserve to do. If you think something might make you happy, go and do it. Give yourself permission to do whatever the hell you want. Take advantage of the free time that you have when your piece of shit husband is watching your son. But embrace, challenge yourself to have a good time. Yeah, that's great. I should for sure. I'll do my nails. I'll get my hair done. All of it. Do it all.

Yeah. Okay. I'm really sorry. Thanks. But you're going to be fine. You're going to be okay. You're going to be better for it. Yeah. Okay. I'm really sorry. Thanks. But you're gonna be fine. You're gonna be okay. You're gonna be better for it. Keep us posted. We're here for you.

When you get back out there, I'd love to talk with you again, but you're gonna be okay. It's not as dark as it probably feels. Thank you. All right, go hug your son. Give him a big kiss. Okay, I will.

You're implying upstairs. All right, take care. Thanks, you too. Bye. Bye-bye. You're implying upstairs. All right, take care. You too, bye. This show is sponsored by Better Help! Hey people, therapy is important. Protect your mental health. Invest in your

mental health. We know that you're going to the gym, you're spending money there, you're shopping, buying another navy t-shirt! My point is, is that you're spending money on things that are a little wasteful. When you could be maybe investing in your mental health, we all know that therapy can be certainly expensive. We understand that, but let's just take a step back and look at what else we're spending

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has your big kid covered too with a training pant that is ultra soft and breathable to help protect sensitive skin through potty training. Learn more at Huggies.com. Once again, head to Huggies.com to learn more. How's it going? It's going okay. My name is Elizabeth and I'm 38 years old. How can we help Elizabeth? A guy broke up with me because he has herpes. He has herpes? Yes. Explain to me what you mean by that.

Well, I mean, I know what you mean by he has herpes and I know what you mean by he broke up with you, but like, spoiler alert, he's going to have herpes forever now. My instinct is he didn't break up with you because he has herpes Okay, let me tell you the story. Okay. All right, so I met this guy through my friend She knows him through work. He lives two hours away and we started following each other on Instagram and He sent me a voice note right away. Loved it. It was very, very cute. Smitten right away.

We started talking through Instagram, sending each other voice notes, things like that. And about a week in, he told me, he asked me about deal breakers. And I said like marriage and kids, somebody that didn't want that. And he was like, well, I don't want kids. So, you know, maybe I'm not a good candidate for you.

We actually stopped talking for a few days. I went out there dating and it wasn't great out there. I kept thinking about him and the connection that we had just felt so strong. I circled back and I was like, you know what, maybe kids isn't a deal breaker for me, not wanting kids. I'm older, I'm 38, I don't know. He was like, you know what, maybe kids isn't a deal breaker for me. Like not wanting kids. You know, I'm older, I'm 38, I don't know.

So he was like, that's amazing, I'm so happy. Like, let's meet in person. We talked for about a month on, like through Instagram, texting, like voice messages. Like, I felt like we really got to know each other. I really liked this guy. But to be clear, you hadn't met him in person. I had not met him in person yet, but my friend knew him. She sort of met him. I know you this guy. But to be clear, you hadn't met him in person. I had not met him in person yet, but my friend knew him.

She sort of met him. I know you know this. I don't need to say it, I suppose. But I do think, again, the things that we say out loud, even if it's almost hyperbolic in a way, when you say, I really liked him, you never met him. That's right. You know? I was very invested though. Okay, well that's more honest.

But I think that is more honest with yourself. I'm invested. Yes. As opposed to already telling yourself you like someone you don't know. You know. Yeah. And again, it's maybe a semantic game or whatever,

but again, it's important to check ourselves at times. But anyway, so you had never met him but you were Already invested in this guy Dated anybody in three and a half years like since my ex and haven't really been interested in anybody Like I've sort of dated but it falls flat. It's rough out there. I don't know. I was just really excited about this guy There's just something about him. And so we met in person and it was amazing. Like he came to see me and we had like an all day date, eight hours long.

He was here the whole day. We walked around, we went to a brewery, we talked about so many things. Like he asked a lot of questions, like a lot of like get to know you questions and deep questions that I really appreciated. And he really made me feel like he was very interested in getting to know me. He didn't ask just surface level questions. It was like, he would ask, what's the worst year of your life? What's the best year of your life thus

far? And things like that. And the chemistry like very, very strong also. So it felt like a mental connection and like a chemistry connection. It just felt so good. And he came back to my house and before that, he did mention that he has a high sex drive. So that was interesting to me. So we sort of talked about sex a little bit in that way. And then he came back to my house and we were kind of hot and heavy on the couch and like making out and stuff. And it was just really nice. And he he left. And then I drove up to go see him the following weekend and we had another like all day date and we went to the beach and

we sort of were chatting about like what we want. So I was like thinking like this is a good looking guy. He's 35. He, you know, he's got a lot going for him. It's not hard for him to get dates. I was trying to like figure out if he was a fuck boy or not. And so I told him, you know, like, I'm not interested in having sex with somebody that's having sex with other people, which I was really proud of myself for having this conversation. And I think it's because I listen to you all the time. So I was like trying to set boundaries.

We love. So I was proud of myself. I said, you know, I'm not willing to have sex with somebody that's having sex with other people. And, you know, I wasn't sure what he was looking for, but I'm not looking to just hook up. And he agreed. He was like, I don't, I'm cool with that. I don't need to be like having sex with a bunch of people. He's like, I'm busy with work. I can't talk to multiple women. So he asked me if I was dating anybody. I said, no. I asked him if he was dating anybody. He said, no. I asked him if he was dating anybody. He said, no. So we like basically sort of decided like,

we were gonna see where this goes like exclusively. So we go back to his place and again, the chemistry is strong. Now I'm feeling very safe. Like we're on the same page and everything. So I felt safe. We ended up having sex with a condom and it was good, it was nice. We continued on, we had dinner, we were like walking back from dinner.

He like stopped me on the sidewalk and was like, I really like you and I'm like, I like you too. It's like all the things were amazing. And then I left and the next day he tells me, can I send you a voice note? So he sends me a three minute long voice note telling me that he has herpes. The day after he slept with you?

Yes. Okay. So after we had sex, he tells me that he has herpes. So I'm like, okay. But she must have given you a pet in your stomach, I'm assuming. A little. But I really liked this guy. And again, I'm very invested.

So, I'm like. So wait, what else? Was he like, hey, by the way, I need to tell you something, I have herpes, and that's it? We were texting, and somehow our conversation got onto STDs. I'm in healthcare and I think that's how it started.

And then he was like, can I send you this voice note? And so he sent, it was like a three minute long voice note about, he was very thorough. He explained it. He was like, listen, I just, I need to tell you something. This is my diagnosis. And he's like, I haven't had an outbreak in like a year And a half and and it was like very thorough like it made me and he was like I'm not worried about yesterday

Like not having an outbreak What did he tell you before you had sex so that's what I was thinking But I didn't say it that day, you know he sends me the voice note and he's like, think about what you really want. He's like, I like I understand if you don't want to date me anymore. And I'm like, no, I'm thinking I'm like, no, this is like he's being really honest. I appreciate this honesty. I appreciate the thoroughness being in health care.

I'm like, I don't know. Like, I sort of like just know a lot, I guess. So and then we ended up having a conversation on the phone and I, and my, my first reaction was like, I'm not worried about yesterday either. It's okay. You know, we can continue to like have like, I'm okay. Like let's continue to have sex, get to know each other, everything like that. So one of the important things that I thought

that he said was his ex-girlfriend, who he had only been with for four months, they broke up six months prior. He told me that she said the same thing, that just like me, she said she's okay with it, but that she would shower after they had sex and that she asked him a lot of questions. And I remember thinking that woman. Don't a lot of questions. And I remember thinking in that moment.

Don't a lot of women clean up after sex? Well, I think that he took it. I assumed that he took that. I don't think you can wash off herpes. Yeah, no, I don't think you can. Anyway, he was obviously self-conscious. Yes, yes. And so he felt like those actions were towards his diagnosis. And he said that

he eventually felt like she just wasn't comfortable with his diagnosis and they broke up. And I remember thinking in that moment, I don't ever want him to feel that way around me. I don't want to ever make him feel that way. So I went home and actually listened. I, you have like two episodes on herpes and I listened to both of them and it like made me feel more comfortable. I'm like, okay. And he like texted me,

he's like, thank you for not being judgmental. And I'm like, no, I never wanna make you feel that way. Anyway, okay. So we're all cool. Everything's great. I started doing more research and I start wondering, why didn't he tell me before we had sex? Like, he really should have told me.

And it sort of started to bother me. So he came to see me. We immediately, as soon as he got here, we went to dinner, we went out, we had a fun time. Again, he likes, we, chemistry, everything's all strong, great. He's like, I really like you. So we go back to my house, we have sex. And this is the moment that I decide to bring up,

why didn't you tell me before the first time that we had sex. After you had sex again or before or during, after? Yeah, after. So this is how I remember the conversation, that I said, Hey, just curious. Why didn't you tell me before we had sex the first time that you have herpes? He said, you know, it's just really hard to tell somebody that you see a future with this diagnosis. And I was like, okay, I can see

that. And apparently, I don't remember this. I learned this later, I guess at that moment I said, well, that wasn't nice. I don't even remember saying that. But I guess I said, well, that wasn't nice, like nice of you. It was, I mean, listen, like, I mean, his answer was, I was afraid of your reaction. It's difficult to tell people this diagnosis.

Of course, of course it is. Doesn't mean he shouldn't have still done it. You know? And it was right in the wheelhouse of I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to be met. Oh, it was just the worst. Yes. And I empathize with his concern

and I empathize with his fears, you know? But it doesn't address why he didn't tell you, you know? Yeah, so I sort of was like, I could feel his demeanor completely change. It was very different when we had that conversation. And I just remember feeling scared. I just want this conversation to be over. I'm okay, it's fine.

I don't know, I think it has to do with maybe just my past and just like with my ex, it was hard to have sensitive conversations with him because he always made me feel like I did something wrong or brought it up at a wrong time. Or I was just like, I think I was scared that he was gonna like back off or back away from me because of this conversation.

And I like, I didn't want that to happen. So I think I remember feeling in the moment, I just wanted to be like, it's okay and move on. And so, and we sort of did. When you say I was scared, you were scared to upset him more? Yes. Okay. All right.

I think, yeah. So I just like did really- Not like you were scared for your wellbeing. I just wanna make that clear. I was more scared about, not necessarily my wellbeing, but I was more scared about, not necessarily my wellbeing, but I was more scared about him pulling away, I think. If I like delved too deep, whatever, into this topic.

But you must recognize, right, maybe not in the moment, but now, very valid to be worried that you might, someone you like might pull away. But given what the topic is and what we're talking about if this is someone that you in fact saw a future with and see potential with and wanted to get to know it's still a conversation that needs to be had and you need to know that he can have it. Yes and that is exactly how I was thinking that's what that was my intention going into the conversation was hey like I'm not

terribly upset about you necessarily not telling me. And like you said, like I can empathize with maybe why you didn't. I just want to have that conversation. You weren't like, how dare you, how could you, this is so fucked up. And you could have done that. Could have. Yeah, it didn't. But that's how he received it, right?

Obviously. Yeah. So I sort of looking back on it, I sort of wish that I would have just been like, hey, like what's coming up for you and ask him more questions. But I just kind of like, oh, okay, whatever. Let's just move on. So we sort of did. And, you know, we had sex again in the morning.

We had a great day the next day. I sort of thought everything was fine. We had sex again in the morning. We had a great day the next day. I sort of thought everything was fine. We talked more about more in-depth issues. He's really like, he seems intuitive and empathetic and it just, it felt like it was progressing still and it just felt good. You know, I continued to like him and invest in him. And I was going out of town the following weekend, so we weren't going to see each other.

I started to notice a subtle pull away, pulling back while I was gone. And I kept thinking like, is this really happening? Or is this like my past trauma or my insecurities? Because it was subtle. It would be like I would like send him a picture and before he'd be like, oh my God, you're so hot. Then now I'll send him a picture and he's like, oh yeah, pink is nice.

I'm like, okay. I noticed that I was reaching out to him. He would respond and everything and I don't know, it was just subtle. But anyway, we planned on me coming to see him when I got back into town. And the night before he like, we made all these plans, dinner and everything like that. And the night before he sent me a message that said, something along the lines of like,

you shouldn't come tomorrow. I've been thinking that, you know, what did he say? Something about like, since I saw you last, I've been trying to work it out on my own, but I think that our values and what we value most don't align. And he's like, it's not a, you're not a bad person. It's not bad on you. I just don't think that we align. And he's like, I've been trying to let it go, but I can't. So I just, I don't't think that we align. And he's like, I've been trying to let it go, but I can't. So I just, I don't think that you should come. And I was like gutted.

I'm like, oh my gosh, like this sucks. And he said, I'm happy to chat with you on the phone. So we chatted on the phone. We had a conversation. He basically said it was because of this conversation of me saying, why didn't you tell me? And he's like, I felt, and he said, and you said it wasn't nice.

And I was like, oh my God, I didn't even know that I said that, I'm so sorry. But it wasn't nice. So like, you don't have to apologize for something that's true that he took offense to. You know, I mean, the reality is, is this is a guy who has, yeah, yeah. I feel bad for him too.

I feel bad for the fact that obviously, to be diagnosed with herpes is difficult for anyone, I'm assuming, who's been diagnosed with it, given the fact that it is permanent and it has such a stigma, and people are so misinformed about herpes. Yes. You know, people walk around with cold sores all day long and talk about cold sores as if they don't have herpes.

Yes. You know, anyway, but the reality is, is he hasn't dealt with it fully. And he's still out there, all day long and talk about cold sores as if they don't have herpes. Yes. Anyway, but the reality is is he hasn't dealt with it fully and he's still out there behaving in a way that is dangerous for other people. Yeah. And then the reality is, is he didn't offer you the opportunity to consent to what you should have had

the opportunity to consent to. Yeah, yeah, you consented to having sex with him, but you were misinformed. Yes. And I understand he feels bad. And I just, I consent to. Yeah, yeah, you consented to having sex with him, but you were misinformed. Yes. And I just, I felt horrible. And I understand he feels bad? Well, he felt horrible. And then you called him out for it,

and his guilt of his decision, he couldn't handle it. And he didn't like the way you made him feel for his actions. You know, and that's why he did what he did. And he spun it as values and things like that. So this is all to say is like, he might be a nice guy, and it sounds like this might have been a person you could have had some chemistry with.

But even if you were to reach back out to him today and say, hey listen, can we talk, and try to spin it or talk about it in a way that makes him, I guess, calm down a little bit, the reality is, is he has not dealt with this fully and completely. And he needs to. And he has a bit of a journey, you know? And so like, you can enter in a relationship with someone while they're dealing with something, it's possible, you know? But the question is, is like, you have to ask yourself, as nice as this time was with him, there were some very serious red flags here

and doesn't make him a bad guy or a bad partner, but unfortunately he hasn't fully dealt with this. He's out there, he's clearly sexually active. And I'm glad he's wearing a condom and maybe he's taking medication to all help. He's not, okay, so he's not doing everything he can do to protect the people he's having sex with. And that's a choice he's making. And he doesn't wanna feel judged by his choices.

And you did, you made him feel bad. And he didn't like that you judged him. That's where I was having a hard time. This just happened two weeks ago. But you are having a hard time. You're convincing yourself, how can I put this? Like I was talking, you seem to be informed about herpes. You still took a risk.

I'm guessing you haven't been tested for it. No. Not to scare you or anything, but like you could. You could have it. You could have just not had a reaction yet. Could be dormant in your body. You're probably fine. You know what I'm saying?

But you have accepted that you're, you know what I'm saying? You're okay with it. Mentally, you're not worried. You're what I'm saying? But you have accepted that you're, you know what I'm saying, you're okay with it. Mentally, you're not worried, you're fine, you're just like, I'm good, right? So the fact that you're good and you know that, you feel guilty knowing that he's not. And you're being kind of emotionally good and emotionally regulated,

and you're having this conflict with someone you know is not emotionally good, and you have empathy for them because they have this diagnosis, you know it is hard for him to tell you. So you have empathy for the difficultness that it is for him to tell you. None of that takes away from the fact that he didn't do what he should have done.

Now, you're willing to offer him grace and you're not losing your shit on him. You're just like, hey, listen, let's talk about it. It's the same thing, you're in a relationship. You catch your partner in a lie. You don't like being lied to, it definitely violates your trust, but you've decided, hey listen, that fucking sucks,

and maybe now we have some trust issues, but I'm willing to work through this with you. But you still have a right to tell your partner, hey you shouldn't have lied to me. This affected me, this affected us. And let's say your partner feels really bad about lying. It's like, I already, I feel bad, why you making, it's like, well, your guilt doesn't absolve what you did

and it doesn't absolve my right to address my frustrations. And it doesn't absolve my right to communicate to you how I feel about this situation. And that's what he's trying to do, right? And because you are ultimately emotionally okay about all of this, but you just wanna talk and he's not, you feel that guilt. But you shouldn't.

You're not doing anything wrong. Thank you. That's, I guess that was like my question. And your guilt. But you're- Did I do something wrong? No, you didn't, but in a step further, is your guilt is not allowing you to, you know,

and I think this, take herpes out of the equation. I think this feeling that you're feeling right now is very relatable for a lot of, it's like, that's where, you know, that's where, you know, the gaslighting things come into play, right? Because you have something happen, there's a conflict in a relationship, you feel a little bit wronged,

ultimately you're okay, but you wanna address it. But the person who wronged you feels so ashamed and so bad or whatever, and they don't wanna talk about it, then they say, they victimize themselves, right? And they, how could you make me feel this way? And I can't believe you're putting me in the shoes and yada yada, but like, they're putting you in a vulnerable situation.

But in his mind, he's like, whatever you're dealing with right now, isn't as bad as the fact that I'm the one with herpes. You know? And that's how he's saying this, right? And so you're like, yeah, you mean, you have herpes, I don't have herpes. I'm glad I don't have herpes, you mean, you have herpes, I don't have herpes,

I'm glad I don't have herpes, and it sucks that you have herpes. So yeah, you're the victim here, I'm not. And you're basically both kind of agreeing that all of a sudden you don't have a voice, all of a sudden, because it doesn't add up. Like I'm not allowed to talk to him and have a conversation about something

that's affecting my health too. Correct. You know? Or even if like you didn't have sex, you know, let's say he was like, hey, I need to tell you something. So let's say you did it the right way, right? Let's say he was like, hey, I need to tell you something. I have herpes, you know, I hope I want to get to know you

and I hope you're still willing to be intimate with me. We can be safe. There's things we can do to make sure that, you know, yada yada. That would've been great. And let's say you were like, thank you for telling me, but I do have a few more questions. And he was like, well, no, I don't wanna talk about it.

I don't wanna answer these questions. Like, what is that? It's like, yeah, but if you wanna have sex with me, I have the right to ask more questions. And he's like, well, I'm not comfortable with it. It's just like, who's, it's like, all right, fine. But then we can't do this. But he's not giving space for you

to address your concerns. And his guilt is trumping your rights. I think that's the best way to say it. His shame is trumping your rights. Just like in the moment when he said, you made me feel judged, you made me feel dirty. That's what he said to me. And I was like, oh my God.

No, but he didn't. He feels judged. He can feel judged without you being the one to have done that. And also like, yeah, you did judge him for what he didn't do, which is to inform you at the appropriate time. Yes. Yeah. And it was wrong. And he knows it was wrong. And he would rather give himself credit for

telling you at all, rather than to acknowledge he didn't do it in totally the right way, or at all. And just like, I don't know, just him telling me that like his ex with the showers and then he said she would ask a lot of questions and it's like. She has the right to ask questions. Yeah, is she not allowed to, yeah, are we not allowed, like to your point. Is she not allowed to shower? So what, maybe she's just a really hygienic person

and his trauma and his unresolved issues and he's projecting that onto her and it's like what, to make him feel comfortable? She's like not allowed to shower for a couple hours so he doesn't take it, it's like because of him. Yeah, that's a good point. And I don't know, maybe as it's like because of him like and I don't know maybe she was showering because of that I don't know but also again you can't wash off herpes so it's like

I can't I don't think so not a doctor here just want to put out that disclaimer yeah but you you shouldn't he hasn't, yeah, but you shouldn't. He hasn't figured his shit out. He has some unresolved issues, but he needs to deal with it. And until he deals with it, unfortunately, he's gonna keep running into this problem, just like he did with his ex-girlfriend, just like he did with you.

And I was more than willing to just be like, let's work through this, let's talk, like I'm- He doesn't wanna deal, he doesn't wanna deal with it. And you're not his therapist, and you're not his therapist and you're not his mom, you're barely his friend. And it's like, do you wanna enter in this relationship where step one is to kinda convince him to get some kind of therapy that he needs

so that he can work through this, knowing still well that there seems to be this kind of barrier or boundary that he has that you can only talk about this at my comfort level because I'm the one with Herbie's, and therefore he has the right to kind of tell you when and when you can't talk about it, but at the same time he has an expectation of you being in a relationship with him and accepting him

and potentially being intimate with him. It's a very good point. He said that he's had it for five years, and he was so thorough in the way he was telling me. But again, like you said to your point, it was on his terms when he told me how he told me. And then his bandwidth to continue to discuss it, all on his terms.

I just, I couldn't help but- So the fact that he has had it for five years should tell you that A, he hasn't dealt with it yet. And it doesn't matter if he's had it for five years should tell you yes That a he hasn't dealt with it yet and it doesn't matter if he's had for five or fifty He still clearly hasn't dealt with it But the fact that he's already had it for five years and hasn't dealt with it is a signal to you that if you were to Say reach back out to him and say you know what now that I under like let's say you talked to me right now And now you have a better understanding of his POV after talking with me So and let's say you were you decided to be the good Samaritan

or the fixer or whatever and thought, well, now that I better understand him, I can empathize, I'm gonna reach back out to him and say, hey, listen, I'm sorry to make you feel this way, but I really feel like maybe you haven't dealt with it and maybe he was receptive to even that feedback to a certain degree of just know that he hasn't dealt with it yet.

So for you to expect that he was gonna deal with it because of you or anytime soon is an uphill battle. Like, that would be a lot of hope without any real evidence. I was never gonna reach out to him, but the want of him to like circle back was so strong. It's dissipating now, and especially talking to you about it,

but oh man. It's like you in his mind in his mind you made him feel like he has herpes and obviously he does but like he wants to surround himself with people who like you know kind of be like you know what everyone has herpes we don't even have to talk about it it's no big deal I don't want you to feel that way yada yada which is a normal thing for him to feel but like it about it. It's no big deal. I don't want you to feel that way, yada yada. Which is a normal thing for him to feel, but it's a step too far. It's unrealistic.

And his need to feel like he doesn't have herpes, again, kind of violates your rights. And there's a huge disconnect there for him. I just, I guess, yeah. I guess that was my main thing is did I do, because you go back and you're like, what if I just didn't have that conversation or what if I said it in a different way?

Okay, fine, let's play that out. Had you not had that conversation, one, it would still, it would be something that would continue to bother you that you'd have to keep suppressing. So there's that, then that's not good. Two, you wouldn't be addressing the fact that this man feels entitled to set some boundaries

that violate your rights. And he doesn't see it that way. this man feels entitled to set some boundaries that violate your rights and he doesn't see it that way. And that would go beyond the herpes diagnosis. You know what the other thing is, looking back on it, is if he's feeling a certain way about a conversation that we had, he took two weeks to tell me about it. And in that two weeks time, he decided he didn't wanna see me anymore. And without even like talking to me about it and in that two weeks time he decided he didn't want to see me anymore and without even like talking to me about it first he just

like decided already that he didn't want to see me I made him feel judged he doesn't want to see me anymore I really like thinking about it and reflecting I I want to be with somebody that can talk to me about stuff like if something is coming up for you in a conversation that we had, I want a person to be able to talk to me about it. But he doesn't want to, that's what I'm saying. So you need to get over the guilt of what happened

and you need to accept that what you learned is this is a man who despite a lot of great things you learned about him in a nice time, is that he is not boyfriend material for you. Me. Yeah, and that's a bummer, because I get it. You haven't been excited about something. It's a bummer.

Yeah, and I understand. It's bleak out there. I know. I think like going forward, I don't know, like is there a better way to bring up sensitive topics, like stuff around sex? No, I mean listen, this is his sensitive topic, but also keep in mind, there's something

you have to also acknowledge too, is that whatever he did in the early stages of dating that you enjoyed and liked, or whatever genuinely things he did or his behaviors, you have to account for the fact that he knew all along that he had this diagnosis. And he knew all along that while he didn't tell you when he should, that he was eventually

probably gonna tell you. And so he, like all of us, we all over, you know, we all like, whether it's herpes or not, we all come into meeting people that we're excited about with secrets. And by secrets, maybe it's the same for some people, maybe you've slept with six people, and by your standards, that's five too many. And maybe you're judging yourself

as like a dirty promiscuous person, right? And that's your secret. Now for a lot of people, they're like, five, holy shit, I've done that on a weekend. But the point is, is like, you know, you don't come into a first date, you know, spilling out all the things that you're insecure about or all the things about yourself that you're afraid

that these people won't accept you for, but eventually you're gonna have to do that. But he has this very big thing, right, that he knows. And so my point is, is like all the things that you liked might have just all been a misrepresentation and he was always on his best behavior and he was always gonna be this great guy because he knows he's gotta drop this bomb eventually.

And he really wants to make it very difficult for you to judge him once he does tell you. Well that makes it scarier going forward now. Listen, take it slower. You must know as a 38-year-old woman that having sex with strangers is a risk. Yes. And having sex with someone you've been on five dates with is still having sex with a stranger.

Yeah. You know? And we all take risks, but we have to take, you know, you know, wearing condom, step one, safe sex, right? Listen, when I was a single man, there are a couple times when I, you know, dating situation that there are a couple women who's like, I don't have sex with anyone unless I see an STD test. I was like, I respect that. But like that's an aggressive stance.

They were willing to have that stance, you know? And that stopped him from having a lot of sex. It's an uncomfortable thing to point out to someone. But that's, you know, but they certainly were. And yes, my point is, is it scary out there? Is dating difficult? But there are things we can do to protect ourselves and there's things we can do to make it easier

for ourselves. The difficulty is, is holding ourselves accountable to enforce our boundaries when it comes to dating. And when you get into the heat of a moment, you don't say things like, well, I just haven't been this excited in three years, so I'm gonna ignore this boundary because I wanna get laid tonight.

Or I don't like the way I condom feels, so I'm just gonna cross my fingers and hope that we're, you know, people do the little thing like, are you good? I'm good, I know I'm good. Are you good? Like neither of you know that you're good. You just, you know. Like have I'm good. Yeah. You good? Like neither of you know that you're good. You just

that's true. You know like have you experienced symptoms in the past three days? No, me neither. Like that doesn't mean anything. Great. No it doesn't. You're very right. But we all do that, right? You know and so if we just hold ourselves a little bit more accountable and we're willing to you know have the awkward conversation. I'm not saying you have to ask for STD tests, but like honestly, like if you want to participate in hookup culture with strangers, I would. Yeah. I wonder if like we had sex too soon?

What you need to do in this situation is stop going back and replaying what you think you could have done differently. Because I get it, you liked this guy, you're disappointed, you wish you probably could have kept hanging out with him. But I think you learned some very important information about this guy that instead of second guessing your actions, you just need to accept his. Okay, yeah, I think I'm starting to get there, for sure.

I think I'm, like I said, when it first happened, I was like, oh my god. Because his failure to tell you the right way was the first strike. And then the second strike was after he did tell you, he was resistant to any feedback or disappointment or criticism from your end about how he told you, strike two, because how he told you was fucked up.

You know, even though you were willing to get over it, I mean it was really fucked up, you were being very gracious, but it's also like really fucked up for someone to emotionally cheat. Some people can get over that, you know. Some people can get over physically cheating. It's emotionally, it's fucked up for your partner,

I don't know, it's a million, I don't know. Send a nude or whatever in your relationship and like maybe you'd be willing to get over that and chalk it up to a moment of weakness, but like that person still needs to acknowledge that they're wrong and then give that person, you, the space to vent and express their frustrations and have a difficult conversation.

You know, I don't know if you've been loving watching Love Island USA, but all I like, and you know, I really feel for Guy Noize going through, but everyone was frustrated with Aaron versus Kailer because not only did he do the thing at Casa Mamor and kind of like go behind Kailer's back, but after the fact, it was more the fact that he wasn't even willing to have a conversation

with Kailer about it. He was like, I told you, whatever, let's just forget about it, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. That's exactly what this guy is doing. And that's not okay. And it's how he is handling it is the problem. But the problem, you have to accept his actions and know that this is probably gonna be a lot deeper

than just this one thing. And he feels entitled to dictate what is talked about at his comfort level. And because he feels bad about his diagnosis and he feels bad for himself, he's using that as a trump card to dictate what's being discussed in this relationship. And that's not okay and that's unhealthy. Yeah, I just, I, yeah, everything you're saying, yes, very, very valid.

And it's helpful to talk it out for sure. It's hard, like it's hard to, like 38, I thought that I would be married by now. Like, I just feel like I've always struggled in relationships and like, I don't know, it's tough. It's a hard pill to swallow that I'm like this age and like still single and still like struggling out there. I don't know. I think I'm getting better.

I don't know what your perception of my life or my relationship is, but you know, and I understand that I am a man and I do not have to deal with my biological clock, but you know, I didn't meet my person until I was 40. Well, actually I met her when I was, I guess 38, but whatever, but you know, my point is, it's like, you know, it'll happen when it happens, you know?

I know. I think I like, I get really excited. I get that, and we all do, but you're not helping yourself out and you're making a difficult situation even worse by being resistant to move on from men who make it very obvious that they're not right for you. And then you're cherry picking certain behaviors

that you enjoyed. But there's some pretty big red flags here with this guy. As well as intentioned as he might be, and as down bad as he might actually be, that doesn't, you know. I think going forward, I just. I'm being ridiculous here. This is a really ridiculous comparison,

but let's say he would've murdered some guy, someone. He could be, and his defense was like, but I got herpes. No. And maybe in his world, it was like, this person made me feel judged and it was really a fucked up situation. I didn't mean it, but it's like, yeah, it's,

I know it's crazy, and maybe it's a bad example, but like he is kind of justifying all of his behaviors and his actions around the fact that it's unfair that he got diagnosed with this disease. And now it's- I think that it's the nail on the head. Yeah, and he's acting way too entitled because of his own pity for himself. Because the reality is millions and millions of people

live with herpes, right? Yeah. And no one likes it, but you can live with it. People are becoming more informed, like yourself. It's not something you wanna hear from someone you're willing to date, but nowadays, hell, you know, I think most people out there would be like,

I'll take herpes if I can get a gentleman and I can get someone who can sit and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, we'll deal with that, right? Yes, 100% yes. So, we'll deal with that, right? 100%, yes. 100%, yes. So, but he doesn't feel, you know, but like he, again, he is justifying all his bad behavior around this diagnosis and it's not okay and maybe there's a path

for him and it was gonna require some real work on his part, but he hasn't done that work yet. And I don't think you should sit around and wait for him to do the work. No, I'm not. So instead of making yourself feel bad and questioning your actions, you just, again, have to accept his.

Okay, yeah. I just, I don't know. What do you mean? Any tips on a 38-year-old dating? I don't, well, yeah, stop doing this. Finding my person. Stop doing this. Stop wasting even more energy on people who have already made it clear

that they're not your person. Stop cherry picking behaviors that you like. Try dating different types of men. My short answer in general is try to consider saying yes to men that you'd otherwise say no to. And I'm not talking about like lower your standards about how they treat you, how they act, but maybe expand your preferences

in terms of how they look or a certain job they have or type of thing. Because especially if you're meeting people on dating apps. Also, I don't know if you're doing this, but just make sure, do not talk about your challenges in dating on dates. Okay. That's a good tip.

Yeah, I get the impression that on the first date, you bring up how hard it is out there. No, I did it not with this guy at least. Well, you should never do it, ever. Okay, yeah, we more talked about just getting to know each other questions. And if your date date does that's not a green light you'd be like oh my god well you said it let's talk about how difficult it is. You'd be like yeah no it is but like listen you know this I get you yeah let's let's not give the

impression let's give the impression that you being single is your choice which it is by the way. Yeah well well, yeah. I, I, after the last relationship, that one was pretty tough because it was a toxic relationship for three years that I shouldn't have even gone on a third date with this man. And I spent three years with him. It's like, I know that dating is hard. I know it feels like there's not a lot of good options out there, but like for all the people out there who are single, you need to own you being single and you just start acting like you're being single is your choice because it is your choice. Because listen, you, if you wanted to,

if your life depended on having a boyfriend by tomorrow, I bet you could get one, you know? But you don't just want anyone, right? You want someone who's- No. But it's still your choice. And owning that will, you know, take your power back. It'll make you come across and owning that will you know take your power back It'll it'll come and make you come across as more confident

You know you show up on a date and you act like the only reason you're single is because you can't find a guy Then obviously you're a victim of your circumstance and that's just not attractive Yeah, I think I'm getting better because I've struggled in relationships like my whole since I was younger and because I've struggled in relationships like my whole since I was younger. And since this last one, I think I've learned a lot. I learned a lot listening to your show, too. So I appreciate it. I appreciate all your advice. Keep your head high.

Stop second guessing yourself. You have good instincts, you know, but also you do. But no, that's another thing. I don't listen to them. You got to listen to them right and also just you got to be willing to stand up for yourself and when trust your gut you know when you're when something feels wrong you have a right to say it and if they can't handle the conflict that doesn't mean you did

something wrong it just means you've identified maybe a weak man and I don't think man is on your list of qualities and a partner that you want yes I think that that is something I can take forward is like listening to my gut, cause it's never been wrong. And I like asking more questions and not being scared of like asking more questions or being too much. I think that I'm like, I've been afraid of like

being too much, you know? Yeah. So. You're not. Thanks. You're exactly who you need. Well, I mean, of like being too much you know. Yeah. So you're not. Thanks. You're exactly who you need. Well I mean someone could be too much but I'm guessing you're not. I mean I don't think I am but you know I think there's that fear. For some people you may be but instead of allowing that allowing you to judge yourself just accept that maybe they're just too weak to accept you or maybe they're just you know they can't handle someone like you could be

But then you know asking the questions and doing you know Listening to my gut and things like that I think instead of being scared of somebody like oh, I'm so scared that they're gonna go away So I'm just gonna like, you know dim my light or whatever, you know That can be a tool of weeding people out. Or like, okay, well this isn't my person if they're not able to handle these questions. It's the rejection part.

You feel rejected, your ego hates that. And then once you feel rejected, you kind of throw out all your standards out the door and stop asking yourself the right questions. But all you got was information. You got clarity. Yeah, that's very true. And I'm glad to have gotten it sooner rather than later, I guess.

Because if I didn't bring up the conversation, then we could have what? This could have gone on for longer and then where would I be? More invested. Maybe you would have had a reason. That's true. I mean, this is a guy who seems resistant to doing everything he can do to protect his partners and therefore, you know, and again, you know, it's at his comfort level. So if he were to successfully convince you that

everything is fine, no, I haven't given it anyone else yet. So you should be comfortable. That's what he said. Yeah, exactly. And he said that he didn't, he's like, Oh, I've've I've not used condoms with past Girlfriends and they haven't gotten it and that's great this and that that's great and good for them But like again see that that language he's using is this entitlement that he has and it's guilt and shame that he's passing on To you to accept his boundaries at his convenience in his willingness And that's a little fucked up given the context of the topic of what we're talking about. Yeah, very true. All right. I wonder if like going forward I should maybe, I don't know, I don't know if it mattered but not have sex so soon.

Definitely a solid option. Yeah, try it out. See how it goes. I will. All right. People need to start separating dating and hookup culture. They are not meant to go together. And right now we are a dating culture that has introduced hookup culture into dating culture and it's fucking everything up. Yes, I did like, it made me feel very safe to like once I had the conversation of like,

what are you looking for? And like, just let him know, like I'm not willing to have sex with somebody that's having sex with other people. And like, let's sort of get to know each other exclusively. So that felt good. Like going forward, I would like to make sure I have those conversations.

I would say I have to do that. But just, you know, if a guy agrees to that, doesn't mean like you should immediately have sex with him. And I think sometimes when we are afraid to set a boundary with someone, and that person then accepts our boundary by simply just agreeing with it, we weirdly decide that that's somehow a green light

for us to then not follow through with our own boundary. Yes, I see. So next time some guy says, oh, that's cool, well, great. Now actually make him show you he's actually cool. Yeah, yeah. And get to know each other more. Yeah. Oh man. Don't give men a goal for sex.

Be vague. You know, never give them a false timeline, or a timeline in general. Okay. They love a goal. Yes. And they love to have, and a goal to have sex, no problem. Give them the goal to get to know you

and take sex off the table. Yeah, that's what I want to do for sure. How do you give them a goal to get to know you? By, you know, because, well, you don't bring up sex, right? When they eventually do, just be like, listen, I haven't had a luck with it in the past. I'm really focused on getting to know people when it comes to dating, so like, for me,

sex is just kind of off the table right now until I really feel like I have an emotional connection with someone. I don't know when that will be. And like, listen, you can make out, you can round some bases. You're an adult woman. At this point, you should be able to go to third base

and say, I don't want to go any further, you know? And obviously these men need to respect that, but you also have to hold yourself accountable because we've all been to third base and thought, you know, home's only 90 feet away, fuck it. You know, but you need to stop doing that, right? And then you just, like, you don't give, you know, and then if they're like, well, when can we have sex?

Be like, I don't know, like, right now, I just want to get to know you, and I hope that's okay. You don't say, well, after four dates, or after a month, or whatever, it's more like, you don't say well after four dates or after a month or whatever It's more like you know when I've when I'm ready I don't know right now Let's date and I'm not saying we can't be physical and I am sexual chemistry is important to me And I want to test that with you as I feel comfortable with you

But like there's a big difference between running a couple bases and exchanging fluids. Well, good luck out there. You're gonna be fine Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. Stop wondering about this guy. I appreciate all of your advice. I appreciate you listening. I will. But let this guy go, in your head, mentally, emotionally. Say goodbye.

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I'm 33 and my husband doesn't think sexting is cheating. Oh, well, do you? For sure. Okay. Well, then I guess it is. How does this even come up? Like, I'm assuming you've caught him sexting with someone? Yes, so it wasn't my proudest moment, but we were in my car and the car play came up

with a girl's name and I decided to look through his phone that night, which I've never done before. And I found so much, like way too much that you would ever want to find in your partner's phone. And then you confronted him? I did. I waited a little bit and I just said, hey, I went through your phone and he was really upfront. He was like, okay, yeah, I messed up, but things have happened since then. And he still, like we went to the therapist and everything

and he still doesn't think it's cheating what he did. And he was sending his dick pic to everyone in her mother. So. He doesn't even believe that sending his dick pic to everyone in her mother. So, he doesn't even believe that because he even said he fucked up. Right. What does he mean by he fucked up? Yeah. He says like, he knows he wasn't faithful, but when I'm like, you cheated on me, because when we got together, I was like, I'm not going to put up with anything like that. He's like, no, I didn't cheat on you. It was just all online. And I'm like I'm not going to put up with anything like that he's like no I didn't cheat on you it was just all online and I'm like okay so here's

here's what you need to do to that's like save yourself the energy is stop trying to convince them that he cheated on you because that's just kind of like a cement you know I'm saying like you know what he did he is his arguing semantics with you he is being resistant to being labeled a cheater because he didn't have sex with somebody. Which, you don't even know if that's true because how would you know? Would he admit to it, even if, you know.

But let's assume that all he's done is just, you know, send his thing all over the place. Fine, I'd say, right, great, whatever. Like, stop trying to have that argument. You know what I'm saying? With him, you know he did. Yeah, that's true. He violated your trust, he went behind your back,

he wasn't faithful. You can call it a million different things, you know what I'm saying? The point is he was wrong. Does he think he should stop sexting? So I called him out and he was upfront, but then I went through his phone the next day and he was apologizing to the girls for deleting his Snapchat, like abruptly, like my wife found out, I'm sorry.

Like my wife found out I'm sorry and I talked to one of the girls that I found her and she Because she was like, oh, I'm so sorry. She doesn't deserve this. So they were talking for months. How do you meet these women? They Message him on social media because I'm all over his Instagram, which made me feel safe before. But they'd be like, Oh my God, your family's so cute. And then somehow he would start complaining about me. And then somehow it turned into, do you want to see my dick? Funny how that happens. More importantly, what are you, what are you going to, what are you doing about this? So I basically, I was just like, you lost my trust. I want to focus on being parents right now, because as you can see, we have a whole toddler.

And he said he wanted to build back my trust, but that has not been working out because I saw someone's name on his phone last week. And I was like, Hey, who is this? And he was like, Oh, just my friend I met last year. He was out of town last year for work. And I was like, am I supposed to feel better that you are giving your number out to girls when you're out of town for work?

He travels for work. And I was like, yes, he does. A lot. Not that frequently, but enough to make me very uncomfortable. Now he's lonely in a motel six and he's out there just sending his pina around. Yeah. What are your, are you still in couples therapy?

Yeah. What are your, are you still in couples therapy? No, because we went and she basically asked him why he was doing it. He was blaming me for it and she didn't have like a good turnaround to be like this isn't your wife's fault that you did this. If that makes sense. No it does. Trying to be like the middle person but it just... So is he still trying to blame you? Yes. And this is your fault because why?

He basically says his love language is physical touch. I try to explain that physical touch, the love language quiz doesn't say like, I like when she sucks my dick. It says like, I like when she sucks my dick. It says like, I like when they hold my hand. Yeah. Also like physical touch has nothing to do with sending it in dick pic. Yeah. Basically he just needs a lot of validation.

So yeah, he has a problem with needing validation. That's a him problem. Very easy for me to say from afar, you know, as you can tell you have a young child, but like, he's not giving you reasons to wanna stay in this relationship. How old are you? I'm 33.

You're only 33. And how long have you known about this? Since April. How has your demeanor been with, I'm getting the impression that you've been surprisingly patient and understanding and calm? Yeah, definitely. I think if we didn't have a kid, I would have went about this completely different.

But since we did, I was just like, how would you have gone about it? If you didn't have a kid, if we didn't, I would have been like, I'm out. Okay. To be 100% honest, because that was something I was very like, I'm not dealing with this in the beginning. Well listen, it's again easy for me to say, and you do have a child and that does matter. That being said, how your husband's handling this is a lot more concerning than what he did. Also keep in mind what he did is like he seems like he has a bit of a problem you

know like he's a bit of a fetish here a bit of a like an addiction almost to like sending his dick to multiple people and it's something he needs to deal with you know I guess why the reason I asked is like you know you have a young son right now so young right now, so young right now that you obviously are able to talk about this in front of him without him even having any clue what's going on. Right? Yes.

But that's something for you to also consider is that while you do have a son, like just because you guys because you have a son together doesn't mean you deserve to be someone's prisoner for the next, you know, 14 years. And people can co-parent. You can still be a mother to him. He can still be a father. He might be a bad husband, but maybe he's a decent dad. I don't know. I want you to start acting closer to how you would act if you didn't have a son. That makes sense. Because your son is still young. Being a mom shouldn't be a death sentence

to the fact that you lose all your rights for respect, for being treated and considered and loved and all those things. You didn't have to forego all of that just because you wanted to be a mom. And you can still be an amazing mom as a single mom and he can still be a decent dad. Is he a good dad, do you think, decent enough? Yeah. Doesn't even sound like he's that great of a dad. You know, is he a good dad? Do you think decent enough?

Yeah. No, doesn't even sound like he's that great of a dad. I guess what I'm saying is just like, you know, don't make a bad situation worse by deciding to put up with this forever. Are you an individual therapy? I'm not because it was the same therapist. All right, well there's other therapists out there.

Get her a different therapist. Yes, because we saw her before all of this and it worked out and I went to her individually because she helped me through a lot of resentment with him because I was six months postpartum and I lost my dad and he was making everything about him and what he needed and she did help me through that but again not a therapist but i don't think your individual therapist should also be your couples therapist that's yeah and the fact that your couples therapist was willing to be in fact

that your is a kind of a problem your therapist should know that your therapist should have been like i'm your therapist i can't be both of your therapists so like they should have recommended someone else to you be a couple's therapist. But anyways, I implore you to get into like have a, you know, get back into therapy. It'll help you deal with this. Like you're going through a lot right now. And I don't want you to feel like you're alone, you know, and I want you to be able to work through this with people, right? So looking to get into individual therapy. And as far as your husband goes, I want you to start, you know, stop asking, stop saying, well, I have a son, I have to do things differently, you know. I mean, to a certain degree, I guess, yes, right? But being a mom and having a kid together

does not mean you have to put up with disrespect and being treated poorly. It just doesn't. And you can leave this guy and you'll make it work. My guess is it seems like you know, so this happened right and immediately you're decided I just want to be a parent now I have my kids so if I were I did if I didn't have this kid I would have done things differently but I do so now I have to be more patient and more understanding and I got to make it work with my husband and your willingness to make it work with your husband I think for him has just he's for him, he's continues to take advantage of that, because he's not operating as a guy

who's worried about losing his marriage and his wife. And I think you need to start acting like, I'm going to leave you. Like, I'm not gonna put up with this, I don't deserve to be treated this way. And just because we have a kid together, the moment you're like, let's just focus on being parents, like you should get divorced.

Because you can focus on being parents and not be married. I want you to start, you know, like, what do you need from him and start being a little bit more demanding, whatever you want. There's no wrong, you know, in terms of what you, what you, what do you need to make this marriage work or how do you fix this marriage? Don't debate with him whether he cheated on you or not. Don't get into silly arguments about things you know are right. And if he's going to sit there and debate whether he can still do this and like,

he shouldn't have Snapchat on his phone. He shouldn't have any of these apps. You should have his phone password. You should have the right to be able to go through his phone whenever you want right now. It's not sustainable and it's not healthy, you know, but right now you have no trust, right? And he should be so interested in building this trust back that you should have access to all of his stuff. But without going through every little thing

that he's doing, I just want you to get this narrative out of your head that you have to operate differently now that you have a kid together. And start doing what you would do if you didn't have a kid together. You are right. Especially because one, I would never put up with this without it. And I don't want to be in a relationship where I feel like I have

to go through someone's phone. Like literally last week I was like, this girl's name popped up. Can I look at it? And he was like, no, you shouldn't have to do that. And he had deleted their entire message thread. Clearly lying to you. He's almost certainly still sending his dick pic to people when he's out of town. Now he's just better at hiding it is the only difference.

Yes. Like he learned the deleted folder on iMessage before he didn't know where that was. And now he does. Now he does. I think what you should do is go talk to a divorce lawyer. At least, I mean, I know that's might be, but like you don't have to get divorced

to talk to a divorce lawyer. But I do think you should understand your rights. I do think you should get ahead of it. I do think you should know what your options are. And I think I do think you should learn about ways to protect yourself and your son if you do decide to move forward. And I don't think you tell them that you're going to do it. I think you just go ahead and do it. Yeah, I've already been, just go ahead and do it. Yeah, I've already been, because I'm a stay at home mom right now,

and I've been like getting into content creation to get some income while I am staying home with our son. So I've already been kind of working on like a backup. Well, that's good. But also like, you know, you didn't sign a prenup, did you? No. All right, well, I didn't sign a prenup, did you? No. All right, well, I don't know what state you reside in,

but again, get ahead of it. Your husband is not an honest guy. And so for all you know, he could be getting ahead of it right now. Maybe he's, I don't know, hiding money. I don't fucking know. Who knows? I don't think right now you need to be open

to the possibility your husband is not who you thought he was. And he is capable of a lot of things he didn't realize he's capable of because he's saying things that are so out of pocket and so inappropriate and the fact that he has handled this revelation the way he has without remorse and tried to victimize himself and blame you is just a huge big red flag I'm not saying you need to leave them today, but I, as your friend, I'm saying you should understand your rights. You shouldn't wait until it's too

late. You should get ahead of it. Talk to a lawyer first, then find an individual therapist that you feel comfortable with and you feel like, you know, is someone you can work through these issues with. And then if you still want to try to save your marriage, you got to start saying to your husband, this is exactly what I need. Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. And you need to have a very short leash about his willingness to do that. But before you do that, I would have a lawyer lined up. I don't know if this is the answer you want, but your husband's giving you very little

options. And right now you are stuck. You're not a prisoner, but you're acting like a prisoner. You're acting like you have no options. And the reality is your situation fucking sucks and there's no way to sugar coat that. But it's not impossible. Other people have been through it. Other people have gotten through it.

You're young, you got a lot of life in front of you. You got your son. It's beautiful. You know, like you got a backup. You know, you got, it sucks, but you can do something about it. You're just not doing anything about it. And sitting around and hoping that your husband's going to like magically realize how big of a piece of shit he is, is not a good plan. You're right. You definitely, you deserve better. I think that's what I wanted from this call, because I've been listening to your podcast forever, and I listened to you when you say,

when he says he doesn't deserve you to listen to him, and he has said that 9,000 times in the past couple months. And every time I'm like, you're right. Yeah. But also he's kind of saying that to make you feel guilty and make him feel sorry. nine thousand times in the past couple months and every time i'm like you're right. Yeah but also he's kind of saying that to make you feel guilty and make him feel sorry your your your husband is really good at victimizing himself and then you're like well i mean you do and i'm telling you. I want you to forget about him saying, I don't deserve you. I want you to say to yourself, I don't deserve to be treated this way. It's not really, you know what I'm saying? Like when he's like something about him saying, I don't deserve you is like, again, it kind

of martyrs himself and then, you know, but like how he is treating you is what you don't deserve. Yeah. He's very good at twisting it to make it seem like he's the sad one. And maybe he is sad. I don't know. Clearly he's not a happy person. You know, like if you're a sad, pathetic person, if you're out there married with

a young kid at home and you're out there slinging your dick on Snapchat, like, yeah, I would be sad too. I'm a loser. Your husband's turned into a loser. And I hope that he's embarrassed with how he's become. I mean, it is your problem right now, but it doesn't have to be your problem. And if your husband is going to change, if he is going to wake up, it's not from how you're handling it now, because right now you're being way too understanding and you're putting up with it. And you need to say, I'm done with this shit. I'm not doing this anymore.

After you've visited a lawyer, but certainly get your lawyer's advice and listen to your lawyer when it comes to how to approach this. But you can let them know how serious you are. And if your lawyer gives you the green light to let them know that you got a lawyer, you know, but he needs to know how serious you are

and how like how willing you are to defend yourself and how, and that you are not afraid of moving on because he has taken advantage of the fact that you are a mom and a wife and 30 whatever years old and he's banking on the fact that you're too afraid to move on but you're not. Yeah. Or you shouldn't be. No. Your situation sucks but it's not impossible and you can get through it. The only thing I'm struggling with is the state we live in, we're only here for his work. So I don't have anyone here. So that's where like I'm, I feel like mentally I'm not stuck, but physically I am.

Well, yeah, that sucks. I mean, that's- Because I'm like, so I either have the option to take my son away from him, so like be near my family or- Well, again, this is where you need to talk to a lawyer to understand your rights. So like be near my family or... Well, again, this is where you need to talk to a lawyer. First of all, you need to talk to a lawyer to understand your rights and what you're legally allowed to do.

I don't, you know, because I think when it comes to certain states where like you may not, I don't know, but talk, you need to talk to a lawyer. You know, you need to understand what your options are. But if it is an option for you to take your son to go to your support system, then maybe you should consider that. And that could be a consequence of his actions.

But I wouldn't do it without talking to a lawyer first. Yeah, no, for sure. I'm going to figure out what I'm allowed to do first. Yeah. I feel like you'll feel empowered by talking to a lawyer. It might feel a little too close to home. You might be saying things like, I can't believe I'm talking to a divorce lawyer. Get that shit out of your head. You're taking control of your life. And I hope that makes you feel a little bit more empowered.

Right now you're kind of playing the role of like housewife without a paddle. I think it's time to get angry. Have you gotten angry yet? A little bit, but every, I feel just so tired because every time I do talk to him he just twists it around on me and then I'm just tired. So don't let him twist it around. Yeah again if it's if it's that far gone then yeah like you know you're not getting anywhere with your husband if that's how bad it is then you really need to talk to a lawyer and consider leaving them. Yeah because it's just exhaust at this point. Let yourself get angry. You have the right to be angry.

Okay. All right. All right. Well, keep us posted. Please let us know. I'd love an update like even in a couple weeks and I would love that update for me. I talked to a lawyer. Okay. All right. Can you do that? I can do that for sure. You can get off the phone right now and Google some.

I will. You will. You can get through this. You're going through a tough situation, but you can rise above and you can take care of yourself and your son. And so right now it feels like you probably have very little options, but you have more options than you realize. And I'd love for you to try to explore all those options. What does your family know?

My family knows everything. Okay, what do they say? They're just very angry. I feel like most of them are just like you guys can like communicate through this, but the more I tell them the more they're like done. Yeah. He's giving you no options. Cause he just keeps saying he'll, he's better, but then. Better, I don't know what does that mean? Yeah. He's not.

I've stopped, I'm wrong, I'm disgusted with my actions. I, you know, what can I do? And then you see him doing the thing, you know, he's not even, you know, what can I do? And then you see him doing the thing, you know, he's not even, you know, not on a fucking planet. All right, well, I'm sorry you're going through this. It's all right. I got this. You do have this.

It's not okay. You can say to yourself, it is not okay what happened to me. You know, stop pretending it doesn't fucking suck. It fucking sucks. And I'm not saying this to make you feel worse, but I want you to get fucking mad. I want you to be mad and you're kind of not allowing yourself to get mad is the sense I'm getting.

You're kind of pretending this is not a big deal. It's a big fucking deal. It fucking sucks. You're getting fucked over. You're being treated with disrespect. You definitely can do something about it and you will definitely be okay, but you need to start taking charge of your life and you need to start being mad and saying life and you just start being mad and saying fuck

this I don't deserve to be treated this way I won't let myself be treated this way and I'm going to start like fucking making moves and I start understanding my rights and I am not going to allow I'm not going to continue to be a victim of my husband's choices yes can you do that yep all right I'm smiling but I'm feeling angry. All right. Be angry. Give us an update in a couple of weeks. Let us know you reach out to a lawyer. I will.

All right. I'm sorry. It's all right. I know. I know you'll be. It's not all right, but you'll be all right. And then you keep repeating that because it's not. It's not stop. You're giving me a hint of like you acting like this is okay for this, it's not okay for this to happen.

This is not okay for you to accept. Stop the pattern. Take charge. Yeah. Okay? Okay. All right, we'll touch base. We'll talk to you later.

All right. All right. You know. All right, bye bye. Thank you so much. Thank you. Bye. Bye bye. Thanks for listening. Don't forget to send in those questions at ask you so much. Thank you. Bye. Bye-bye.

Thanks for listening. Don't forget to send in those questions at asknickofthevalfiles.com. We will see you back tomorrow for Sexy Medium King, Jonathan.