The Viall Files - E809 Ask Nick - Are My Standards Too High?

Episode Date: September 16, 2024

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! We start off the episode reading physical love letters between Nick’s Grandparents. Then we get to our callers…  Our first caller was talking to a guy who moved across the country, after TWO dates. Our second caller showed up to her boyfriend’s house after partying, and now he's blaming her for their relationship ending. And, our third caller isn't attracted to the guys that hit on her… should she give them a chance?   “You know more about who he was, not who he is.” Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice, send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Audible - Listen to Drop Dead at https://www.Audible.com/dropdead  Altoids - Find Altoids In The Check-Out Aisle! Grab Your Tin Today!  BetterHelp - Visit https://BetterHelp.com/VIALL today to get 10% off your first month. Helix Sleep - Helix is offering up to 25% off all mattress orders AND two free pillows for our listeners! Go to https://www.HelixSleep.com/Viall  Wayfair - Every style. Every home. Pick your all-star lineup of tailgating essentials at https://www.Wayfair.com or get the Wayfair mobile app. Caraway - This deal is exclusive to our listeners! Visit https://www.Carawayhome.com/viall10 to see all of our favorite products AND take an additional 10% off your next purchase. Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @justinkaphillips @dereklanerussell @kymccarthy23 @allisonklemes

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you have to think about. When it comes to needing confidence and security to show up as your original self Altoids has you covered they're not just men's they're curiously strong mints find Altoids in the checkout aisles grab your tin today You're crazy. What's going on everybody? Welcome back to another exciting episode of the Vile Files Asthnik edition and I might be waking up my daughter. I can't really tell. Well we are up at the lake. And so Natalie graciously offered to join us

for an Asthmatic intro. Justin says his thanks, sends his thanks. And since we're up at the lake, I think not too long ago, we told a lovely story. I think it was lovely. Of these letters that my grandparents wrote to each other. And we're gonna read the first two. We found the first two.

We found the first one my grandfather ever wrote to my grandmother and her response the next day because they're postmarked. Oh anyways Ask Nick is being really a show, a series about love and connections. It's always nice to go back to see how love happened in 1945 postmarked January 4th, 1945. Anyways, we have it all. Before we get to these letters, we do have a great, we lined up for you. Excited for you guys to listen.

Hold on to your butts, as I always say. You say that? You always say that? You always say hold on to your butts every Ask Nick episode? Every, well, because it's Ask Nick. Justin Long gave us that title. Did he? Well, you know, if you don't enunciate, Ask Nick sounds a lot's Ask Nick. Justin Lung gave us that title. Did he? Well, you know, if you don't enunciate,

Ask Nick sounds a lot like Ask Nick. Oh, hold on to your butts. Hold on to your butts. Wow, okay. I just made that up. I thought Justin Lung. Well, I do, I have said hold on to your butts because it's a phrase from Jurassic Park that Samuel Jackson's character has.

Okay, well, thank God we've got a Hugh on Ask Nick or else we'd be lost. Anyways, all right, an Ask Nick season. That one was definitely Ask, there was no K on that. I did that on purpose. Oh, okay, okay. Ask Nick. Letters from 1946.

1945. A Vilephiles origin story. Without these letters, the show doesn't exist. That's very true. This is. Then now he's gonna read because we all know I can't. I'm gonna read Roland's to Terry, his grandfather to his grandmother.

And then I think you should read grandmother to grandfather. I try but I just think for everyone's sake. Well, well, you know, Derek will do his magic and we'll speed it up. Put this in X times two if you want to get through it. Okay. January 4th, 1945, a Friday night. Derek, if you're listening, can you give the audience, you can even keep this in there.

Give them a little... Sad music. Not sad. Not sad. Happy. It's happy. It's inqu music. Not sad. Not sad, happy. It's happy, it's inquisitive. It's, yeah, give us a 1940s, like set the scene.

Oh, a 1945, yeah, set the scene. Yeah, so, all right, and take it away, Terry. January 4th, 1945, Friday night. Hello, Terry. I didn't hardly expect to be writing to you quite so soon, but I'm afraid I have you on my mind when I came home I told my father that I had gotten along without girls for two years and I could do it for another two years man was

focused starting his life Now he claims I'm in love already. What do you think about it? Here's hoping you made it home all right. I almost- Because like, if not, I guess I'll have to move on. I guess. Here's hoping. I almost made you miss your train again.

Uh-oh. I don't see why I didn't. I wouldn't have been so lonesome last night. I took my father to Clintonville last night to get his train and on the way back it was so foggy I had to drive 15 miles per hour all the way. You couldn't see a foot in front of the car, couldn't even see the snow land on the side of the road. Don't forget that lock of hair you were going to send me. Okay. And especially that is the next thing. That's a transition. That is a transition. He wants

the lock of hair and the picture. You don't have to tell me every time you have a date though. Uh oh. All right. First he wants hair, now he's getting a little jealous. He's getting a little jealous. I'm afraid I'm getting too jealous, honey. I hate to think of someone else kissing those lovely lips. Right now, I am battling with myself for a cigarette. Is that what he said? That is what he says. This man died of emphysema. Just for you, I won't smoke one.

I've got to cut down on my smoking sometimes. I finally got my hair washed last night. Interesting. You'd never know. What you'd find in the hair. It turns out though, I have twice as much hair and it's just as yellow as can be. You'd blonde hair, I take it?

Yeah, I guess. All right. and it's just as yellow as can be. You had blonde hair, I take it? Yeah, I guess. All right. I've got a good question for you to answer. How am I going to wait until next summer to see you again? That is a long time. I did get- Well, it is January, so it's not as if it's the end of summer.

Summer is just five months away. I did get to like you a lot in the short time of knowing you, Terry. I was gone a long time, but it didn't seem like that was the reason. It's time to go to bed and dream. So I must say good night. All my love, Rowley. Rowley. What a lovely letter. Keep in mind, this is a man who came back from the Pacific in World War II. He came back from the Pacific and fell in love and wrote her some letters.

Anyways, that was Rowley's letter to Teresa. And I think next week we will read Teresa's response to Rowley. I will give you a hint. She says, PS be good, please dot dot dot. PSS don't forget honey this, dot, dot, dot. PSS, don't forget, honey, this letter is sealed with a kiss. PSSS, please send me a picture of yourself soon, Terry. She's asking for nids already.

Terry, you dog. You dog. It's so romantic though. Like it's just, they're in the beginning stages of falling in love. My mom has them all in her dresser right here. So next week we'll read her response. And maybe, I don't know, maybe if you guys really enjoy it,

we'll continue to do them or we won't. I was just gonna say, we also don't care if the people like it or not because I feel like we should share. Period. Because I think they will grow to love it. Quick, two things you love most about me. About you?

Oh my gosh, where do I even begin? I just want to. You want me to be serious or you want me to be jokey? However you want. I remember when we were at that concert and that guy asked us what. Oh my gosh. That's what I'm thinking of right now.

We were at this concert and this nice fellow came up to us and said out of nowhere, it was quite literally out of the blue. And said, she tried to ask Nick me. He tried to ask Nick us. He did. He tried to ask Nick us. And he said, what is one thing that you hate about Nick that you also love? And I was like, Oh, just trying to have a good time here. And then he grabs my shoulders and looks me in the eye and goes, this will be hard. Yeah. And then comes back to me. He did.

It was bizarre. This was in public. It was, yeah, it was quite interesting. So I wasn't prepared for that and I'm actually not prepared for this either. But two things that I love about you, you are an incredible father and an even better partner, which I can't even.

How could I even be a better partner than a father? Exactly, that's why I'm like mind blown every day, but then like, it turns out you are, shocker. You too are an incredible mother and an even better partner. That actually doesn't work that way. You can't use the same compliment. Really? Yeah.

We couldn't travel without you. Because I pack everyone's bags. Yeah. Okay. I know it's more specific. Yours is more general, like overarching, you're a great dad. Yeah.

I was trying to get more specific. Oh, okay, okay. Yeah, please get more specific. Do you feel like what are some things that you definitely would forget in packing? Everything, toothbrush. Everything. Yeah.

Okay. Although your heart is more in it now. When Nellie first started packing for us, there was definitely a lot, like, I got like two pairs of jeans and one and a half shirts. He would be sassy with me. So I'd be like, okay, fine. Enjoy this sweater in Hawaii.

That's all I packed. It felt like that. Well, that's sometimes how it was intended. Meanwhile, she had an extra outfit choice for each day. For myself, yes. No, but even you not packing well is a net positive for me. Well, yeah. I also-

Now your heart's in it. I also, you, the way you pack- Also, she offered, I never asked her to. Well, the way that you pack a suitcase just gives me such severe anxiety that I must take it out and roll it. That's how things in a suitcase go. All right, well, we got some great calls

lined up for you today. I hope the letters brought out loving your heart because it brought out loving ours. Send in your questions at asknickatthevilefiles.com for all your Ask Nick questions. We love you, we support you. Tell your friends, tell your friends. Let's get to our callers.

Was your time with Nick? Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going? Good, how are you? Good, what's your name? My name is Lydia, I'm 23 years old and a guy moved across the country for me after two dates. Did you ask them to? No, I didn't ask them to.

That sounds wild. I'm curious as to what your magic recipe is, but offer us a little context into what makes you say that a man moved across country for you after two dates. I will say we have known each other previously. It's kind of like a young love story. We went to a camp together, multiple summers when we were both a lot younger, like teenagers, and definitely had that camp crush thing going on. However, it didn't really last. You know, I left for college, life going on. However, it didn't really last. I left for college, life moved on,

and we randomly rekindled when my work sent myself to his city. And me and him have actually kept an okay touch. Like I said, it was such a young love thing that when we quote unquote ended, there was no like actual bad blood. We would catch up every now and again, wish each other happy birthday. Well, that's okay.

Cause you weren't, you weren't exes. Exactly. Um, so when my work blew me out to the city for a project, I obviously let him know I was coming, we spent pretty much that whole time together and it went really well. I mean, I've always thought he was a great guy. We have similar values, which is a big thing for me. And we just had like, honestly, pretty good time together to where he then requested to come see me next.

And I was just kind of like, why not? See where this goes. I was definitely willing for him to come see me. Like I said, I had a good time. Once he came to see me, we had spent a couple days together where I live. And he one night just told me like, I've been really thinking about it. And I really think I should move to you. At that I kind of of freaked out. It just was a lot for me. And I told him I didn't think it was a good idea and I would prefer to at least have more months of going back and forth and getting to know each other.

To be clear, and I think you were very clear, but just to be extra clear, this wasn't like you had two dates and on the second date he's like, I've been really thinking about moving here for a while now. And this is just another reason. And like you weren't the reason, but like maybe the right. That's not it. This is he presented it as I'm moving for us. Yes. However, he had mentioned like me and my buddy have been like wanting to move for a bit now, but I truly believe that had me and him not reconnected, like he still wouldn't have moved at this point. Like, I feel like that's kind of something he threw in to soften the blow because he knew it would freak me out. So I guess he's very adventurous. He was willing to take the job. Stuff like that is not a big deal to him. But after he communicated this, you quickly said to him,

not in love with this idea as it relates to you two. And you would be more comfortable with like him not moving for you. Yes. What did he say to that? At that point, he understood my concern. It's like, I understand, we can just see. And then about a week later he's like, okay, me and my friend have picked out a date.

So he almost kind of acknowledged what I had said at first and then sort of went around that later. Okay, I don't necessarily have a problem with that yet, but so he's already there, he's moved. Yes, he's here. Okay I don't necessarily have a problem with that yet but so he's already there he's he's moved. Yes he's here. Okay yeah and what has your relationship if any has what has it been are you guys even hanging out are you communicating are you are you playing house what what does this look like for you two? Yeah so he he's moved here and also on, and maybe this was my mistake,

but after that second weekend together, he asked if I wanted to be his girlfriend. And in my mind, I'm like, why not? I'm not really talking to anyone else. I would happily, exclusively continue to get to know you. So I committed to that. Whereas I think in his mind, becoming boyfriend and girlfriend

meant a lot more of like merging our lives together. So since he's moved here, we don't live together or anything. He moved somewhere else pretty close to me though. Since he's been here, it's been a lot of him like wanting to get in on a lot of aspects of my life. He's very sociable. Like I'm the more like black cat of the pair and he's way more like, likeable and outgoing. And so he's already got jumped into my church. He's like friends now with a lot of my friends and so he's definitely like trying to emerge lives where I still feel like I'm even I'm just struggling to catch up like I feel like even after those first two weekends I knew I wanted to continue getting to know him but I didn't really know much more beyond that

whereas he is just definitely more infatuated, definitely more of the romantic. And so all of this is kind of just making me question if we're compatible because I kind of think I have built up almost a resentment to him for like kind of going against what I said I was comfortable with. And then now I feel like I'm paying the price for it because I just can't get my feelings to that level. Okay. All right. Well, how much of your concerns and anxiety and feelings on this topic have you continued to communicate to him? Or did you kind of shut down after you communicated your initial feelings and he seemingly ignored them.

I think in the last couple days I've communicated a lot. I think at first I kind of shut down. I kind of tried to just like mentally get to his level and I couldn't and I think that caused me to weirdly pull back from him and then that kind of caused him to be like... I wouldn't say that's weirdly, you don't have much of a rapport with this guy. I know you have a bit of a history, but that history is more based off of nostalgia and history rather than knowing who he is today as a man. So the fact that he reacted that way,

I'm kind of just taking everything in right now and I think there's a path of, there could be people listening being like, girl, leave his ass, that's crazy, that's possessive, that's controlling. I don't know, maybe it's all those things. Or maybe to your point, he's just more adventurous, more outgoing, more personable,

more just kind of like what the fuck, and we'll figure it out together. You know what I'm saying? But this really comes down to your ability to communicate your feelings and boundaries and expectations and his willingness, despite his enthusiasm, despite his intensity, despite his adventurous spirit, if it's just those things,

is his willingness to acknowledge your feelings and how you feel about the situation and to be willing to go at your pace Regardless of his decision to move like the you know, you don't own this city, right? Like, you know, wherever you are, it's it's not your city, right? So he has every right to move there and maybe again, he's this ultra how old is he? Okay, so he's relatively young, especially for 2024 standards, right? So maybe he's just in this more selfish, adventurous,

he has his buddies like, let's get the fuck out of here, and you're just a reason. You know what I'm saying? So we just have to figure it out, right? So I'm curious, when you did communicate recently, what did you communicate and how did he respond? I essentially said, this has all been moving very fast for me.

And I feel like I'm like more of a slow burn. Like I feel like I'm friends with people for a while before I even really considered dating them sometimes. And so I basically told him like, I wanna like get to know you. I feel like he thinks that we know each other so well, but I'm like, you're literally remembering when we were 16, like so much has changed.

Like I want to build a genuine connection with you, but it cannot continue to be at this pace. I don't want to necessarily merge lives. Like I'd rather just like almost like start over in a way, like go on dates and like almost like the courtship aspect of this has been like not there because it's just been a whirlwind of like moving and Just jumping into my life and it's like

And I kind of don't feel that how did he respond? He said he had to think about that. We just have very different views on dating. From his perspective, he's all about hanging out in groups and doing fun stuff together, and then kind of from there getting to know each other, whereas I'm very much more about the one-on-one, like let's not merge lives kind of thing first.

Totally, I think everyone listening empathizes and either they relate to you or you sound like a normal person. When he says, I need to think about it, what exactly does he mean? Yeah, I think a big. What I heard is you communicating how you feel. And I hope and assume that this is more along

the non-negotiable department. Like here you are saying this is what I need to enter into a serious and exclusive relationship and this is my comfort level of like intimacy and opening up and like, those are fairly serious things and I'm just really curious what he's thinking about. Like, I mean, if he's thinking about, oh, maybe I'm not compatible with her

and I need to think about if this is the type of girl I wanna get to know, that's fair, right? And if he wants to like think about whether he wants to pursue you, that makes sense, but I don't get the impression. Or maybe he doesn't even know what he means he needs to think about it, and maybe it's just like a power play,

but I am curious if you know. I think I do. So also a big theme throughout this relationship has been he's a lot more affectionate and a lot more affirming with his words. Like he'll be the one to be like, I miss you. And honestly, because I feel like this has all been a whirlwind

and there's been a huge lack of one-on-one time and connection and Like really getting to know each other like I just can't get myself to like match that like I'm naturally not even good at like giving Boyfriends like compliments much less one that like I feel like is just intruding on my life without really that I feel like is just intruding on my life without really taking that one-on-one time with me. And he's brought this up a lot. He thinks he's the main one trying. He thinks he's the main one putting himself out there.

Which one could argue? I mean, he is the one moving, not that I asked him to, but I think he thinks that me asking to pull back is like, I don't know, pulling back even more from him feeling like, Well, listen, that's the thing. You know, as someone who listens to a lot of people talk about relationships, I'm, I'm, I pay attention to dating culture, even though I'm no longer single and things like that.

And as a new dad, I'm always like thinking about this shit and like people truly are like more lonely than ever before. People are having a harder and harder time finding relationships and connections. So overall, I'm guessing my viewpoint on defining relationships, hookup culture, dating culture have evolved as society has changed. And so you calling in, I really am looking for ways dating culture have evolved as like society has changed.

And so you calling in like I really am looking for ways that we can like say, hey, maybe this is just an enthusiastic young man who like at his core, like again, all the things that you liked and learn about him know about him are great. But like he just kind of goes about falling in love a little differently. And I could see myself in him I'm sure I also can see myself in you like I guess it just depends on the situation But how again how he handled this how he handled this will tell us Mostly what we need to know about his emotional maturity level, right?

So he could be a really well intentioned guy, you know, you know It sounds like you are familiar with his upbringing, his family, and so well, there's no guarantees, but like you have a pretty good guess of maybe some of his core principles. You can make maybe more assumptions about him than you would say a stranger, right? And so, but to your point, you don't really know him. You want to get to know him. These are all very reasonable things.

He's excited about you And again, we have to figure out because listen to move just for you is intense. It's a little aggressive It's a little weird, right? But as you're telling like a story and I'm thinking about what advice I might tell you and things like that I'm thinking, you know, listen so much to better depends on the outcome, you know in terms of how we perceive things, right? I always joke like the difference between a guy being like really charismatic and charming and a guy being creepy is the difference like how tall is he, you know, or how his delivery or whether how much you like or enjoy being hidden about. If you don't enjoy it, it's probably creepy and unwanted.

If you do enjoy it, like, you know, if the right guy says something to you, you can, he can say anything, you know, you're just excited he's talking to you, right? It's just a matter of perception. And so, you know, you could tell the story of like, yeah, we went on a second date and he moved out for me, like two years from now, you guys are in a great relationship, it's healthier than ever, you're thinking about engagement. Like that sounds like a crazy cool story, right?

Or for everyone listening right now, we're like, I don't know, kind of weird. I think you should run, you know? Like it could go either way, right? And so, so much of it is just like figuring out his emotional maturity level because he can be intense, right? There is a world where his contrast

in terms of his personality to yours could be a great thing, right? Like we don't want wanna find people just like us that would know the fuck out of us. We don't like ourselves that much, honestly, when we break it down. When we look in the mirror and really look inside, it's like, oh my God, it's you again.

You know what I'm saying? But you do wanna have, to your point, you wanna be compatible, you wanna have like interests. It's something I have learned in my life is how much I just appreciate that Nally and I like watching the same shit, like eating the same foods. We have a general similarity in how we like to spend our alone time and quiet time. There's a million things that are different about Nally and versus me. And you know what I'm saying?

But at the same time, yeah, I like that Natalie has a different personality, interacts with people a lot differently than I do. You know what I'm saying? Sometimes I feel like she can pick up some of my weaknesses and vice versa, right? So ideally you wanna find both, right? So there's a world where his outgoingness, his extroverted personality, I honestly like,

I will use, I use Natalie. Like, you know, like it's, she's more outgoing, she's more personal, she's more likable. And honestly, I use Natalie. She's more outgoing, she's more personal, she's more likable. I go to a crowd and I just like, I don't wanna fucking talk to anyone. So I'll be like, hey, but I wanna network. Sometimes I wanna meet people, right?

And sometimes I don't know what to fucking say. I clam up, my anxiety, whatever. And so like, yeah, Natalie is this like, I'm like, hey, Natalie, let's go talk to this. And I'm basically telling Natalie to go like, introduce herself because she's, you know, Mrs. Personality, right? And so maybe that could be you guys.

And you can really learn to appreciate what he brings to the table. But only if right now you find out that he has the emotional maturity to recognize that like, well, this is his way, you have your way. And if he is interested in getting to know you, he needs to either a first decide whether like, listen, does he want to bother with someone who like. Is differently in the ways he's discovering.

Like I said, he has every right at this point to be like, let me think about it. I don't know if I want to date you fair enough. Uh, or, you know, he's like, listen, I really like you and like, yeah, I wish you were more excited, but I get it. I will, listen, he needs to recognize his decision to move to your city is intense. You know what I'm saying? Like, the delusion makes you nervous.

If you can, the intensity can be really attractive as long as someone is aware of how it can come across. I'm just rambling at this point. I don't think you answered me as to why he's thinking about it. Yeah, I think there's been a lot of, like I mentioned, kind of with him and I's dynamic already of him feeling like he's being more complementary, being more affectionate, et cetera. We've had a lot of hard conversations about that as well. I think he's thinking about it just because I think there's been

a lot of over-analyzing our relationship already to where I think, yeah, he's just deciding if I'm even the right person for him, I think. That's fair and honestly Yeah, that's a green flag for me. Honestly from him. Listen, I think there's some immaturity there You know him you're kind of vouching for him. I don't nothing about this guy, but like I have been impulsive I have been intense, you know, I think I got it more out of my system in my earlier 20s But you know, I also I also think people are getting into their first relationships later in life.

Do you know his relationship history? Yeah, and that's another thing. I've been in pretty much maybe one other relationship, maybe, and he's been in relationships since he was 12. So I think he's a lot more accustomed to this process than me. Yeah. But again, that's another thing he needs to recognize. Yeah. You know, like it's one of those things where, you know,

I guess in every relationship there's a balance between challenging your partner and being there for your partner. You know, here you, you're, especially in moments of discomfort, right? So here you are expressing discomfort. I'm uncomfortable with our pace, right? Like, I don't know if you're watching this season of the Bachelorette, but like when this guy is like, sad was this like jump and she was like nervous. Like there was a difference between being like, hey, you know, like you being supportive, empathetic and like motivation versus

like we're jumping today and you're gonna thank me later. Like, whoa, cool. You know what I'm saying? So like right now to me, I don't know. Like I think it would be more important for him to just acknowledge his intensity and validate your discomfort without,

even just from his sake, if I'm just his buddy, it's just like, dude, you're just, you might be coming across a little intense, you know? Yeah, 100%. You moved across the country for her. That's like, that's a lot for anything. What he needs to do to make you feel more comfortable, like if all he said to you was like, hey, listen,

like I'm not gonna pretend I don't like you, I really like you, do you wanna be my girlfriend? Great, amazing, and like listen, I wanna hang out with you, but just know that like, I'm't like you, I really like you, do you wanna be my girlfriend? Great, amazing. And like, listen, I wanna hang out with you. But just know that like, I'm an adventurous guy, I hope if it's like me moving here is throwing for you a loop, you owe me nothing. You know, like our relationship and like how fast this move forward

isn't dictated by the fact that I moved here for you. The only thing that makes you uncomfortable with him moving to your city, I'm guessing, and correct me if I'm wrong, is the like uncommunicated expectation of this like, I moved here for us. And you're thinking like, I didn't ask you to. And you're in the back of your mind always wondering when is the like bill coming due, as opposed to like, let's, you know, you meet someone in your town, you meet them at a bar,

you exchange numbers, you know, a couple days, you text for a while, maybe you go on a date, and I'm not saying this is the pace people should be going at, but then three weeks later, you text again when you're bored or something, and here he's just like, I moved for you. And so if he were to just say that to you, you'd probably feel I'm guessing a lot better

by saying, I didn't do this for you, I did this, you definitely were a big reason, I'm not gonna put it in there, that's not the case, but I wanna move and I'm guessing a lot better by saying I didn't do this for you. I did this, you know, you you definitely were a big reason I'm not gonna put in there. That's not the case But like I want to move and I'm adventurous and blah blah blah, but I don't know if that's the case That's another issue. I feel like that hasn't really been acknowledged It's more like he just picked up and moved and has expected this relationship to just like continue on as if nothing happened Can I so while you're talking right now, I'm selfishly like, I wish he was here.

And since he's so intense and enthusiastic, and since he fucking moved across the country to do this, you think he'd want some feedback. Because almost, if I'm answering again through the lens of I wish these crazy kids could figure this out because people have a hard enough time meeting people and it does, to me, I would be like, why are you fucking up this part of the relationship?

This is all meaningless. This is all kind of like nothing. Like the question, why are you, chill out. Just calm the fuck down. As someone who has been too intense at times, or just, listen, we've all been intense. I don't know what the reason is. I don't know what is the past trauma or whatever.

Maybe it's just used to relationships. But clearly, he feels the need to solidify a relationship. And he likes just being in relationships. And there's a part of him that's just doing it because he likes the tradition and the routine. It's like why I like waking up and having a cup of coffee. It's more about the routine of the coffee. There's a little bit of that when it comes to being in a relationship and you're just like I want to I want to be

with you, right? I want to get to know you. I can kind of I guess end off with this question. I feel like a huge part of like the stumbling block for me has been we hung out twice and I enjoyed my time but still wasn't totally sure how I felt about him fully, wasn't totally sure I really liked this guy. Do you think that if I truly did like him enough, I would be responding to him moving differently? No, no. As you've pointed out,

you know more about who he was than who he is. And what you've learned about who he is early on, you liked, it was nice, first couple of nice dates, great, interesting getting to know more. And then he did all this, right? Said he wanted to move, ignored the fact that you didn't want to, did it anyways, fine, you don't own this city.

But then like, again, he is just like playing house with you and you're trying to say, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. And he is just like, I don't know if I want say, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. And he is just like, I don't know if I want to, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. And like that is you, like keep in mind, this is information. You are learning about him. Again, still, it's so new, it's so little

that like most of the, you're still making assumptions. Like what we're learning about him isn't great so far. Doesn't mean, if nothing else, it just shows that maybe he's a little emotionally immature. He likes the idea of relationships more than relationships itself. He wouldn't be alone in that. I really think, you know, I talk all the time about like I really didn't know who I was until I was like 28 and I think most if I had to like you know summarize as why is I think like I focus so much on trying to like find what my parents had

and find a wife and have kids and blah, blah, blah. It was more about that than who it was with. He just needs to grow up a little bit, right? So no, I don't think if you liked him more, and you're the lady in this equation, but I just feel like any guy, I don't care how much you like him, when a guy gets a little intense and a little possessive,

or at least gives the illusion of that, it can be a little icky at times and put up some red, you know, right? Yeah, for sure. And he's giving a little bit of that, and you just have to find out, but how long is he thinking about this, by the way? How long has he thought about moving?

No, no, no, when he was like, I need to think about this. Oh, sorry. When was this? How long ago? He said that he'll get back to me in a few days. Okay. I don't think this is your guy. I mean, that sounds stupid, and it sounds a little, honestly, very, I don't know. Maybe it's just how people date.

I hear this more and more where people are like, I'll get back to you. And people literally like wait a couple days. I don't know, what is he getting? Like what is he thinking about? I don't know. Like what is he thinking about on his own that he wouldn't better off learning

from just having a conversation with you? Because at any point if either of you decide, like I don't know, I don't think this is any point if you either of you decide like I don't know I don't think this is going anywhere you obviously can end it right but for two people who don't know much about each other I don't know what you're considering about one another on your own you know I would think there would be this be a call be like hey listen while I'm considering I do have like three or four questions knowing I would still do that but like yeah you guys should when it comes to you two and figuring out

if there is a future or what to do about a future, I think you guys should, that's a two person conversation. It seems like, short of you just like internally deciding, I don't know, I'm not into this person and it's not worth it or whatever the reason why. As of this moment, what are you deciding on? I think I'm deciding whether or not I wanna stay with him too.

I think just kind of like what you said, it will come down to is able to scale back to the level I wanted without holding it against me or not. Also just like, I don't know, like it's a very spontaneous decision to move across the country. And also he doesn't, he didn't get a job either. So he's looking for one here. I just think that's not a smart decision. I think that's a dumb decision. I think if any of my friends came to

me and said, Hey, I'm moving for a guy that I've hung out with twice, that isn't fully sure how they feel about me. Also, I don't even have a job there yet. Like I would think that was dumb. I would tell them not to do it. So it's like, do I want to be with someone that makes that decision? I think the answer to that question has a lot more to do with other variables. Like I said, I don't want to poo-poo people who are adventurous, who bet on themselves. Being 26 is the time in your life to move across the country with a buddy because you can and even if it's like If a girl is the catalyst like I think honestly nothing sound cheesy

But like I think the war world needs a little bit more of that Yeah, that being said again, it just all matters in terms of like how he goes about this Right now the more information I learn about him the more I'm thinking like he's probably not your guy. He's a little impulsive, doesn't have the self-awareness to recognize that like how it might come across. Like I wish I was like this guy's like older brother, mentor, friend, whatever, guardian angel, because I'd wanna say, hey man, like,

cause to me, at the risk of sounding condescending, this sounds stupid. Like, what I mean of sounding condescending, this sounds stupid. What I mean by that is that this call started with what seemed like a really cute story about two people who knew each other as teenagers, and it was a few misconnections. You cross paths as an adult, there's a mutual attraction there,

there's an interest there, and what a great story. And then it's just like, you know, like chapter three, he's an interest there, and like what a great story. And then it's just like you know, like chapter three he's actually weird and there's this dark thing, you know, whatever. But again, being, I've been the overzealous, you know, person and so the big question is, is he having a moment of immaturity? Does he need to learn a little bit? Does someone need to say to him, hey man, like chill the fuck out man, Like I'm glad you moved, this is great, but like this, if anyone, like you said, like this can come across as just very aggressive.

And like you're the guy in this situation and call it what you want, double standards or not. Like you need to be a little bit more mindful of like your aggression and your relationship with this woman, you know? And play it cool a little bit, man. Like also like it's totally normal for her to like, want to slow down.

Like she already committed to being your girlfriend compared to like, I don't know how many other people out there, you got way more than most people in 2024 would even like offer at this point after two dates. And so you got that. So why don't you just chill the fuck out and maybe like back off, hang out with your buddy, maybe not just in, you know, like you're kind of

suffocating her entire world and space. So like chill out, play a little bit harder to get. You know, honestly, I would probably tell them like make her wonder, get to know this person. Like, and be open to the possibility, both of you, that you like, you might like grow to realize that well great, you're not each other's persons, but you have to learn and get to know each other

and you can still enjoy each other along the way, but what you're trying to do is just be husband and wife because you had two good dates, and that's weird. Yeah, and I think a lot of this for him has been romanticized because obviously, we had first met a long time ago but according to him like he's really thought about me a lot in between and so I think it's a bit of like an infatuation situation of like maybe so no listen I yeah as

someone who completely empathizes with your situation and your point of view and how it comes across while simultaneously trying to empathize with him and recognizing that I've been him before. And a lot of this can be solved with communication. First, you just have to decide whether, how interested are you? And are you able to say, hey listen, again,

agree to disagree, we clearly have our differences. I told you I was a little uncomfortable with you moving out. I don't know why this is coming to any big shock to you, but I do like you. Like, and how, you have to be able to thread the needle. The difficult position you're in in communicating with him is that, as you know, men can be sensitive, just if not more sensitive than women in communication.

They're very fragile at times. I think sometimes women can forget that and be rather direct and call them names or call them weird or say that's weird or like, ew, gross, things like that. And men can get very self-conscious and very defensive in those moments. So you have to be able to communicate to him something

like, again, lead with love. I really like you. I do. I'm like, honestly, like I wouldn't have agreed to be your girlfriend if I didn't like you. So like I do, but like I told you before, like I wasn't comfortable with you moving out here, but I don't own this city. Like I love that you're, I also love that you're adventurous, but like we are clearly not on the same page here, but like, I do really like you and it seems silly that we would stop getting to know each other

just because I'm not ready to meet your level yet. But like that's for you to decide. And it's a little bit playing that game of like saying you like him, communicating a willingness to work on things while simultaneously acting like, listen, well, if we decide not, I don't like, it's like, I wanna do this deal,

but if we don't do this deal, I'll be okay. But I'd like to do the deal. But if you give me a bad deal, I won't take the deal. And I'll live. And like, you know, it's playing that game a little bit. So I don't know. Only if you want to. Maybe you're just like over it already.

Yeah. I'm kinda over just all the whirlwind things that have gone into this, but like I've said, and like you said, like I do see some potential. Like I think we could balance each other out really well. And if we could get to the point where we just are literally dating, like going on dates, getting to know each other, not assuming we know each other in like a non-pressured environment,

like I could do that. So yeah. Yeah. I think if I were you, my advice is you have nothing to lose to try to communicate this one more time if nothing if for no other reason it's good practice to have these conversations If if I had to guess what the outcome would be if I'm just being realistic despite my hope that you crazy kids can figure this out and fall in love is that like I Eventually grew up and realized that maybe I was just acting a little bit too immature and that like I was justifying my intensity because I was being so romantic and things like that maybe I was just acting a little bit too immature and that I was justifying my intensity because I was being so romantic

and things like that. And it was like, I didn't figure that overnight. And quite honestly, it took me a few years. And it took some tough lessons in between to learn that. And I think you might have to reject him and he might have to be rejected a few more times and he will have to like look in the mirror and realize that like despite him being Casanova

and willing to move for a girl and willing to do this, that like he might need to like tweak some things and mature a little bit and he's not a finished product is my guess. Yeah and I know you've mentioned like love martyrs before. Like I feel like he plays off, like he's such a love martyr, like moving across the country and like fighting for this. And like, I don't know, that's honestly,

that's not ever what I wanted. I just wanted to get to know the guy and like have fun and like not overanalyze this. You're thinking it's 2024. My FaceTime works, it's fine. Yeah. It's pretty normalized. No, I mean, I laugh because I still remember

I'm aging myself, but I remember meeting a girl who lived in a different city. And this was 2012, 13 or something. FaceTime was a thing. Had it been out for at least a year, maybe even two. We had had it for a while, but no one fucking used it. It was like the biggest social ick. You just did not FaceTime people.

And I had talked to this girl who lived in a different city multiple times a week. We had this great little long distance love affair and we never fucking FaceTime. And one time I did she's like What are you doing? You and now it's like it's the most normal thing It's just like it's crazy when you think about anyways It is normal now and you're thinking we could just do this over face time and we could probably figure out a lot of our

like likes and interests and dislikes and You don't need to move I can get on a plane, you know, but I digress. Give it one more shot. You have nothing to lose, but don't be a dick when you communicate your frustrations and when you criticize him, criticize him is it's like he's fragile and like a child, you're trying not to hurt his feelings.

Anyways, I hope this was helpful. Yeah, it was. Big takeaway is your feelings are more than valid. It has nothing to do with how much you like him or not. His response to all of this is a part of you getting to know him and you have to account for that. So you're learning more things about what you don't like than what you used to like. That matters.

But like, this is all silly in the grand scheme of things. But my guess is despite how much he communicated, it's gonna take him a few years to realize his immaturity. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. And like you said, I'll try to have one more conversation with him and see what he says. And if not, this might just not be worth it for me. Yeah, totally. And I think you just say that, listen, I really like you. I'd love to figure this out.

We clearly have some differences in how we get to know each other, but like, I kind of need this from you. But like, if you don't want to, you know, if you don't, if you don't want to work it out, then maybe we should just move on. But this also seems kind of silly because there clearly is a lot of good here. So I hope that's cool with you. And we'll see what he says. Well, we'd love an update. We'd love to know what you decide.

Yeah, I'll definitely give you an update as soon as we talk. So, and as soon as he figures out what he wants to do. Regardless of what you guys decide, I would love to check in with this guy. as soon as we talk, so, and as soon as he figures out what he wants to do. So. Regardless of what you guys decide, I would love to check in with this guy. And maybe I can see if he would go on. Maybe I could save him a good like five years of struggles

if he's willing to get some tough feedback. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I'll ask him. He might be honestly open to that, so. I'll let you know. Let us see. He sounds like he has a lot of potential and he needs to chill out a little bit. Yeah.

It's a good way to put it. All right. Well, let us know. I will. Thank you so much. Thanks for the call. All right. Talk to you later.

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Great. I'm Alicia, 29. How can I help? I blacked out and ruined my relationship. Okay. What did you do while you were blacked out? Okay. So I lost the phone and keys and wallet, purse, everything. So I walked over to his apartment because he's my neighbor looking for help and ended up just being completely sloppy and belligerent and embarrassed myself. Okay, how long have you been dating for? Three months originally, took summertime off and four months the second round. So this

all happened after you knew each other for seven eight months? Yeah I mean at that point it was a year, yeah. Okay So other than being a sloppy drunk, what did you do while you blacked out? Well, from what I was told, um, I think I was just like disrespecting boundaries. Like I was aggressive, not like physically or anything like that, but I think I was just like very hyper, um, very annoying. Yeah, exactly. I think I kept trying to kiss him. Um, and it was in front of his. I think I kept trying to kiss him

and it was in front of his, I think he had a friend or two over. So that was embarrassing. I think there was one point in the night when I went to go get changed. And this is all what I'm told. I just want to preface this. Everyone I've told this to is completely shocked

because I am very, I'm not aggressive. I am not intrusive at all. So, and then another time. Again, to be clear, you didn't like force yourself on him or physically assault him. You tried to kiss your boyfriend, whatever, but it sounds like he were really fucking annoying. Yeah.

And aggressive. Well, he said that I would, he said that if I did what you did, I would be in jail. So that makes me think that I was probably kind of aggressive and like not, I mean, I wasn't- What does he mean by that? Like, I think I just kept like going in for the kiss or like trying to cuddle or something like that.

Okay, great. Well, you're not him and it's different and whatever. And like, I'm not, but like- Well, okay. But then he did say, he wasn't giving a ton of details. I was trying to force it out because I was having a panic attack the next morning.

And he said that I came out, I think I either was like scantily clad or missing articles of clothing kind of thing. Like, so what? Are they friends? I guess here's what I'm trying to figure out, right? You know, because like, what did you do? You know, versus like,

were you just kind of fucking annoying and sure maybe it embarrassed him a little bit. But like that in itself isn't like, like that didn't ruin your relationship. Like is it an excuse for him to break up with you? Maybe, I don't know. Had he been on the fence about you before? Possibly, but like if everything else was great,

in a year into your relationship, you had this out of pocket night at you before, possibly, but like, if everything else was great, in a year into your relationship, you had this out of pocket night where you clearly drank too much, behaved in a way that you certainly have to like apologize for, of course, but really there were no real victims and he was just really annoyed by your behavior

and embarrassed by your behavior. Yeah, and that's kind of the question. And the more I hear it, it feels like it's, you know, like you didn't, what? Well, okay, to be fair, I think he basically said this was like the third strike because there was another night, we were out at the bars, and I was super touchy-feely.

My love language is physical touch. I think I drank too much, and I was super touchy feeling. My love language is physical touch. I think I drank too much and I was, I think, embarrassing him again by like going and kissing, holding his hand, all that stuff. That a few months later, I had called him multiple times when I was drunk, like eight times in a row. No, I think I texted like eight times and I called a couple of times after a night out. And so he said this is the final strike, but it was like so alarming and so freaky that I called a couple times after a night out. And so he said this was the final strike that it was like so alarming and so freaky that I showed up.

So how many times, okay, so this is a little bit more, this is more context. Listen, like you are talking to someone who, I'm willing to say this is a me problem, but like I get really turned off by really drunk people in general, and in a dating situation, it's a huge turn off for me. Yeah. Right?

Is he a big drinker? Yeah. He is. Yeah. I don't know. Maybe, I guess I haven't pulled a lot of my heavy drinker buddies, but maybe just drunk chicks in general are annoying. I don't know. Yeah, I think that might be it.

I don't know. Yeah. But certainly women have had to deal with plenty of drunk obnoxious men. So I guess, and that's my question, it's just like, if every once in a while you get a little annoying, but like that's all you are is a little annoying

and you chalk it up to too much alcohol, but ultimately it doesn't seem like you have a consumption problem. Maybe like you're just a bit of a lightweight who doesn't respond well to alcohol. And as a result, like pick your spots, you know, when it comes to drinking heavy. Yeah, I don't know.

At the end of the day, I guess my point is, is like, I appreciate the punchy headline, but you should not allow yourself to think that this is all because of this one night. Or even three nights, and that you need to live with this like, huge, what did I do? This, like I had every, I found my person, and if I could just go take this one night back,

my life would all be different. Like I hope you're not going there. Yeah, I guess I'm just trying to get out of the shame spiral because I'm mortified and really humiliated that I showed up at someone's home. Like that feels like a violation. No, no, fine, be mortified. Like, listen, I haven't in the past year,

three different times acted in a way while drunk You got mortified. Like listen, I haven't in the past year, three different times, acted in a way while drunk that I had to be like, sorry I was a little annoying. And texting a guy like eight times is a little extreme. You know, you're right, your boyfriend or your ex, whatever, think about it. You get a drunk guy sends you like 10 fucking unsolicited texts, you're like,

this guy's fucking weird and intense and I don't, like you know, you get a drunk guy, sends you like 10 fucking unsolicited texts, you're like, this guy's fucking weird and intense. And I'm like, you know, you would, you may have some strong opinions. So listen, I guess my point is, is like, okay, if you are, if this is truly, this behavior, you don't like being judged for this behavior, do something about it. I've had friends who had to give up drinking whiskey

because of how they get drunk drinking whiskey. Or I've had friends who had just been like, I can drink, but now I have to not do shots because I get drunk drinking whiskey. Or I've had friends who had just been like, I can drink, but I have to not do shots because I get drunk too fast. I don't know, don't drink on an empty stomach. Or if you're gonna get loose tonight, have some friends, I don't know, make it impossible for you to reach out

or go over to your boyfriend's house. I don't know, have some guard rails in place. But this doesn't sound like a serious problem. your boyfriend's house. I don't know, have some guard rails in place, you know, these, but this doesn't sound like a serious problem. It sounds like kind of a thing that you do that's a little annoying and you haven't really put up any safeguards to prevent yourself from doing this from time to time. I guess also, yeah, there were definitely red flags prior to this. Like, I'm curious your take on this. If you were to go on like a vacation, he would not text me for like two or three days,

which I tried to be calm about. But then when he would return, he would then tell me like, oh yeah, we were with these girls every night, but like, don't worry, they weren't that hot. So you don't have anything to worry about. Or like, oh yeah, they weren't hot. So I just went home instead of going out to the bars. Like little things like that that just

lay in his feet without. Yeah, and then I think- Also by the way, like any guy who says to you, strike two or strike three, like you're not, what, like he's not your, you're not a coach, he's not a coach, he's not your boss, you're not trying out for his team. You know, like it's a relationship.

But like, and he can be turned off, he has every right to do, but just the way he talks, You're not trying out for his team. It's a relationship. And he can be turned off. He has every right to do, but just the way he talks, it's just how he talks. I find that to be a little entitled. A hundred percent. But it does track with his, yeah, no. If you're in a committed relationship, in fact, when he travels,

he should almost over-, not under communicate. I don't know what your comfort level is with his behavior, but in an exclusive relationship, you have the right to say, I'm not comfortable with you going out and hanging out with a bunch of women. Again, I don't know if he's there for work, and if women, you know, he can socialize,

and he can still be, you know, but like even saying things like that, at best case him saying that is him enjoying getting you jealous if for no other reason that he likes to get you jealous. What is that? Like that's a bit of a control, you know? Like when you-

I don't even think it's that, I think it's just ignorance. I don't even think it's real life. I don't know, I think you maybe are giving a little bit too much credit. Or not enough, maybe. Yeah, I don't think he's think you maybe are giving a little bit too much credit. Or not enough. Yeah, I don't think he's that, is he stupid? No, no. Okay, then maybe he realizes that, I don't know, that's a dick thing to say to someone

you're in a relationship with. Yeah, there were a lot of those throughout the relationship. I think that maybe- Maybe he doesn't realize he's a dick. I don't know, I guess that's possible. Yeah, so maybe this was just looking for a wild is he? 31 okay, so it's not that young, you know He could still be immature but like yeah, you know

Probably looking for a way out. I've just been beating myself up. So that's why I and I'm just mortified. So, and I felt like a, like violator or like a, you know, I felt super inappropriate and just really, really bad about it. Two things can be true at the same time. You can, again, have been annoying and made a mistake and he had the right to be annoyed and he had the right to be frustrated at you.

Yeah. But the more we learned about him, it doesn't sound like you're losing the greatest guy in the world. Yeah. It sounds like there were some red flags here of things that you kind of just chose to accept or ignore or not trust your instincts or gut on.

So maybe do more of that. That kind of leads me to my other question. I have a super anxious attachment style, so I never know if it's gut or it's just my anxious attachment style, like looking for something to be nervous and freaked out about. Is there a way to decipher that or distinguish which is? I don't pretend to be an expert when it comes to attachment style disorder, attachment style disorders. I think most people, without knowing

anything about anxious, so maybe I'm totally fucking wrong, but I'd be willing to guess that what you do is you talk yourself out of trusting your gut and then you accept a lot of shitty behavior because you keep saying, well, I'm anxious attachment. So to me, I'd be willing to guess that you have green lighted some bad behavior and you have used your anxious attachment as an excuse as to why you shouldn't trust your own gut.

Yeah, that's pretty accurate. And sometimes I feel like when people know their attachment styles, that is all that really happens. It's like an over diagnosis of yourself. And then, you know, again again, maybe you are anxious attachment. That doesn't mean that you don't have the ability to trust your instincts or your gut ever. Again, not a therapist, not an expert.

I'm basing this guess off the fact that most people would recognize that when their boyfriend goes out of town and disappears for any lengthy period of time, that's a red flag. And two, I think it's a weird thing to say to your partner, even in a joking way, implying that they should be lucky

that you didn't flirt with, or that someone wasn't hot enough for them to make you feel insecure about yourself. Yeah, yeah. I think partners should go out of their way to make their partners feel secure. Like, I'm unaware of any partner I've ever dated their attachment style.

I don't know, I've never literally thought about Natalie's. I'm aware of Natalie's trauma and triggers and things like that, but I'm unaware of her attachment style. I only say that because like, I've never needed to think about her attachment style to always like go out of my way to make her feel secure when I wasn't with her or I was out in an environment

that you know, might have other women around and things like that. And that's just a choice people can make in relationships whether they wanna make their partners feel secure or jealous. Okay. And both men and women do it. And I think you have enough common sense and intelligence regardless of your attachment style to know

the difference between if someone is making you feel secure and what a secure feeling is, and if someone's trying to make you jealous. Regardless of your attachment style, I think you can still say, I want a partner that when they do go out, wants to talk to me. When they do travel, wants to communicate with me. They don't have to be obsessed with me, but I want them to stay connected with me, but like I want them to stay connected to me and I want them to want to do that, you know? So you can say that you want that and then you can ask yourself, is my partner doing that? And when they don't do that, you can have a problem with it.

Okay. Regardless of your attachment style. That's it. I never know if it's overreacting or if it makes me look jealous and insecure or if it's rational and warranted. I think that's where I get nervous. Well, again, in the heat of the moment, we all can overreact. But again, I don't think you're giving yourself enough credit. I think you can take a breath. You can calm down whenever that is, the sooner the better for anyone. And then you can ask yourself, like, And then you can ask yourself, like, what would I do? You know, the easiest way to like try to be rational is to truly honestly ask yourself

and put yourself in their shoes. How would I feel? What would I do? And not try to be right, just honestly ask yourself. And if you're like, well, I would want them to know that like they have nothing to worry about. I'd want to reach out to them. I would tell them I missed them. I would want them to know that they have nothing to worry about. I'd want to reach out to them. I would tell them I missed them.

I would check in. I would like someone to do that for me. Is he doing that? Yes or no? You know what I'm saying? You can literally just do the... You don't have to get in your head and ask yourself, am I okay to wonder if he should be talking to me?

It's just like, of course you are. Okay. Yeah. And you know that. Because you just like, of course you are. Okay. And you know that because you're like, right? It's not, that's not weird. What would, what's the crazy version of that? I mean, the crazy version would be like, yeah, just accusing him of doing something just because he like,

didn't call you for an hour or something. Okay. You know, crazy is like. Texting eight times. like, texting eight times. Yeah. Texting eight times or demanding that he checks in every half hour on the hour or whatever, you know, like just unreasonable expectations. But there's a middle ground between not reaching out to you for six hours. And I think he said, he said something like two days versus like, you know, the other at opposite end of the spectrum. Okay. All right. Yeah.

Are you in therapy? Yes. Yeah, I just started. Great. Are you talking with your therapist about your lack of trust in your instincts? Yes. Because rather than talk about your attachment style, which, go nuts if you're a therapist. I mean, I don't-

No, no, I haven't even given a name or anything. I see a lot of people go online and diagnose themselves by a bunch of shit they see on the internet, or even get diagnosed by the therapist. I was actually talking to Natalie about this. I get an opportunity to talk to you for 20, 30, 40 minutes, and you tell me what you're struggling with, I tell you my opinion.

I see a lot of people, and I like to think my advice is solid, I think a lot of people will listen to my advice and they'll say, hey, that resonates with me. And whether it's good advice or not, they seem to think it in that moment. And then we do our follow-up calls. And I will say, and I think this is the case for everyone, regardless of what they're, if they're talking to me or actual therapists, is I see a lot of people implement really good advice in a very poor way. You know what I'm saying? Like you can receive good advice, you can hear it,

and then try to execute on that advice and like do a really bad job of implementing it. You know? And I see a lot of people like go online, get advice from a therapist, read about or self diagnose. You know, again, using the attachment style as an example, like you'll understand your nervous attachment, you'll read something, and again, I don't even know if this is a nervous attachment like condition, but like as a nervous attachment, like you

constantly second-guess yourself or something. Yeah. I know, maybe that's a bullet point. And so now you know your anxious attachment, and so you give yourself permission to constantly second-guess yourself. Why? Because you find out, you found out you're an anxious attachment. And so you give yourself permission to constantly second guess yourself. Why? Because you found out you're an anxious attachment. And now you've told yourself that you can't ever trust your gut

because you're an anxious attachment. So what did that information do you? It made you less confident in who you are. It just gave you more permission to like lean into your disorder disorder if you will. So trust your instincts. I'm guessing you have some good ones and if nothing else bounce them off some friends and not friends who are currently struggling in relationships maybe friends who had struggled in the past and maybe they've

they don't have to be in relationships, they just have had to have struggled and currently are walking a very like self-fulfilling life and maybe that's a good person to bounce an idea off of in terms of trusting your gut or not. Okay, perfect. But I still think you're better than you realize. Yeah, okay, thank you. He's like your ex boyfriend now. Yeah.

Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There's no, there's no going back. He said he had seen too much. Yeah. I think, uh, I think you found out earlier that this guy's a little, um, controlling. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's in self center. Yeah. I think self center is there. Okay. Awesome. Thank you so much. All right. Well, I think self-centered is fair. Okay. Awesome, thank you so much. All right, well good luck out there. Thank you, bye. All right, take care, bye-bye.

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Hi, Nick. I'm Evy. I'm 40 years old. I have found myself ignoring the guys that are really into me and kind of fleeing the second that they show strong interest. I originally dialed or called in because I have been finding myself in a sort of routine pattern. Since my last serious relationship, I find myself spending a lot of time and energy on situationships. I know very early on that the guys are not looking for a girlfriend and I kind of

just let that go in one ear and out the other. And so there was a number of years that I kind of spent doing that and it was a result of some trauma I kind of went through with my last relationship that I think it was easier for me to kind of just focus on these not so serious guys. And I feel like I've been able to kind of break the pattern of the situationships. And I had a most recent example that kind of just triggered me to the point where I was like, all right, I need to write in and see what's going on because therapy and all the conversations with my friends are just not resonating. So I can share with you a little bit more, I guess, about what happened most recently

and kind of how I landed on that decision. But that's kind of where I've been at. Tell us about this most recent situation. Yeah, so this guy and I have known each other since high school. And he was sort of one of the popular guys who's on the football team. I was very quiet in high school and shy and just didn't really come out of my shell until

I left for college. And, you know, I thought he was cute then, etc. But we never really crossed paths or anything. Years later, we matched on a dating app and we kind of connected. And I was I just at that point, I wasn't really attracted to him. He had lost all his hair and I just wasn't as like into him anymore. So I kind of ignored it. But then I would say for like the last five or six years,

he's been sliding into my DMS and we'll just like send me fire emojis and we have to get togethers and all this stuff. And I just kind of had blown it off. He's still in my hometown. And so are a couple of my best friends and they're always like, just give him a chance like you don't know like maybe you'll feel something blah blah blah. After so many years of disappointed dating I was like okay fine like let me just give it a chance and so we went out he met up with us when I was in my hometown about a month ago and immediately he was just like very forward with how he felt about me and was like, oh my God, you look so good, blah, blah, blah.

And my visceral reaction was ill, you know? Like I just didn't like that attention. It made me uncomfortable. So to be clear, you weren't that physically attracted to him? No, I wasn't. When a man's very forward and a woman doesn't find him very attractive, it's... Yeah, exactly. Whereas when I'm really attracted to them, if they come on that strong,

it's obviously hot and I'm really into it and I can't wait to see them. But I just wasn't, I wasn't feeling that vibe. Anyway, so he was really insistent on coming up to visit me. I live a couple of hours away from him. So he came up a few weeks ago and we went on our first date. And as I'm like walking up to the date, he's just like cheesing. He's just like, oh my God, like so excited for me to be there, which was sweet in some ways, but I still was so unsure about how I felt that it felt like we were on different pages to start.

I could already find myself clocking like the ills and the icks. And once I start getting the icks going going it's really hard for me to stop that snowball effect. So we're on the date. The date was fine but I think his love language is physical touch and so he was handsy and just like grabbing my leg and my arm and my whatever just being very complimentary and I kind of found myself like tensing up and then after the date I dropped him off because I drove to the date, which he also gave me a lot of shit about like, why do you drive to the date? And I talked to some of my guy friends afterwards. And they were like,

I think to him that just like gave him the sign that you weren't looking to spend that much time with him and that you were just kind of getting in and getting out as fast as you could, which I think subconsciously I was already going in with like a preconceived, you know, idea of how I was going to feel anyway. a preconceived, you know, idea of how I was going to feel. Anyway, so then after the date, we did kiss and the kiss was nice.

I mean, I didn't really feel like, oh my God, like I can't wait to kiss him again. He was like very like, I don't want to say aggressive, but the kiss had like a little like he like bit my lip a little bit and I was like, oh my gosh. But then my friend was like, well, to think about it, he's been like holding this end for years. So maybe he was really excited about it. Question just to try to, I mean, I am curious about the situationships and stuff.

Did he do anything that was charming and great and wonderful or caring or amazing? Or you're thinking, well, I no, no, just a really amazing guy that I just need to convince to get like in a slightly better shape and go see like a hair specialist. Guessing the answers, no? He's not unkind, like he is really-

No, no, no, I understand that. So I haven't really heard about all the fuck boys and the situation chips or whatever, right? But my guess is it's some version of like, you know, you going after a lot of unavailable men, you know, guys who say I'm not looking for a relationship right now, you're physically attracted to them. Like obviously, like you wanna be validated

by people you find physically attracted to. Then the other end of the spectrum, then you're like, you get screwed over by these guys, they fuck you over, you're like, oh my God, like maybe I need to give like these other guys a shot, right, so like, you know, there's some familiarity, someone wants they fuck you over, like, oh my God, maybe I need to give these other guys a shot, right? So there's some familiarity, someone wants to set you up, meanwhile you're not physically attracted to him, you don't really find him that charismatic or charming,

there's familiarity there, that's literally it. You were set up by some friends, he flatters you with thinking that he can't believe he's on a date with you, okay, I guess that's nice, but at the same time, there's a middle ground between having the self-awareness, the appropriate boundaries, not giving the fuckboys more of your time and attention than they deserve,

and then going on the other side of giving guys that you aren't remotely attracted to at all a chance just because the other one's fucked you over. You know what I'm saying? There's a middle ground here. So like, you don't have to convince yourself to give guys that you're not remotely attracted to a chance.

As a four year old woman, if you wanna date men around your age, you might have to date some guys who have less hair. There is that, but there's plenty of bald, good looking men who know how to style themselves with less hair, who still look naked, you know what I'm saying? And he had a hot body. Like I was, there was some part of him

that I was attracted to, but I think the memories of him as being kind of like this like douchey high school guy that I heard the last 20 years remember him as. Well, that wasn't, listen, if you were like, listen, I got set up by this guy, you know, we went on two or three dates, and I had the best fucking time we laughed he he we had conversations quite honestly, I haven't had a really long time with a guy and He's really smooth. Honestly, like I was shocked by just how fucking smooth he is and he's a great kisser and blah blah blah blah

But honestly, I'm just like not that physically attracted to him I might say like the that physically attracted to him. I might say like the other shit hasn't worked out for you. You seem to really like this guy. There seems to be a lot of good things he's bringing to the table, but that's not what I'm hearing. I'm hearing like he's kind of dorky and charming

and a little creepy, gave me a bunch of X, he's losing his hair. He definitely flattered my ego by making it, making me feel like he couldn't believe he was on a date with me, but sure to that. Right,. And but there's been a whole lot of that the last few years. And, you know, it's I'm meeting people through the apps, which, as you know, can be a crapshoot. You look great. You're an attractive person, right? So I would imagine you I would imagine you do very well in the apps, right? But your problem is, is you're gonna attract the fuckboys.

Right, you're gonna attract the guys who are very used to getting away with a lot of bad behavior. And your dilemma is, is that you like the fuckboys because well, they're the hot ones, right? It'd be a lot easier for you to just probably get good at better setting boundaries with yourself, get good at enforcing those boundaries with other people, not wasting your time on people who tell you

and show you who they are early on, and shift through and identify the fuckboys much sooner than you usually do. Yeah. Then for you to like be a martyr and come out with a bunch of people, you're not that into. Right, and I don't know if this is helpful background,

but like 10 years ago with my last relationship, it resulted in my dad essentially disowning me because of he just didn't approve of the relationship. Okay, that's an aggressive, are you still disowned by your father? Well, both of my parents have since passed away. So- Did you reconcile? We did. And it took me some time to reconcile and to forgive him. My parents left the Middle East

and I was raised Catholic and there was always as I know you were too. Quite a culture shift. Yeah, massive. And it was just like, you will marry a Christian man. Like there's no ifs, ands or buts. And I fell in love with a Muslim man. And so after that whole issue happened and we broke up, it almost felt like, well, a, I realized in recent therapy work how traumatizing that event was. And also, um, I think maybe it was a defense mechanism to spend so much time on situations ships, knowing I wouldn't have to bring any of those people home.

And so I spent a lot of time just like wasting my energy there and being like, well, I just know whoever I bring, they're gonna say no to. And even though my dad has passed, I feel like there's still that element of like, well, is he gonna approve of this that I need to work on and just not care and kind of do what is right for me? I think where I get stuck is like, well, how much control do I have over this?

Like I know that when I get the ick, the ick snowballs. And I've read recently that the ick is actually a self-defense mechanism too. And like if- Where'd you read that from? Some psychology today article. Like, I don't know if it's true, but once I get the ick- Yeah, I don't know. I don't, I mean, who knows? I'm getting a nice psychologist.

I just, I think it, icks are just pet, again, I don't know how they define icks, but. Yeah, so anyway, I'm just trying to sort out like, you know, when I'm starting to feel those icks, is it on me to just kind of work through them when the guy is seemingly good otherwise on paper. If we're just using the example of this guy, he didn't seem that great on paper,

was kind of my point, just to be clear. He was fine. He was fine, he was a totally, you're like, yeah, he was fine, he was fine. You weren't offended by the fact that your friend set you up, but like you weren't into him, that's fine. And he didn't bring anything extra to the table. He didn't make up for the fact that you didn't find up. But like you weren't into him, that's fine. He didn't bring anything extra to the table.

He didn't make up for the fact that you didn't find him to be one of the hotter guys that you've been on a date with. You're open to getting to know people, but like he was totally fine, that's fine. Back to your like, do you think that's why you got into situationships, or do you think that was a very believable explanation from an expert who, you know,

I guess once you identify the problem, can you do something about the problem? Right. You know your father has passed away. I don't know. I also wonder if that's just like, it's a really, that's a better explanation than believing you're going after men who aren't into you.

Right, exactly. I do think there is that element of just like wanting what I can't have, and it comes from just wanting to feel loved. Because let me ask you this, I'm curious. I'm guessing with the more pragmatic, emotionally mature version of you, after some of these fuckboys left your life,

you realized that you were glad that they did. But when they were leaving you, and you were a little down bad about it, would you have been willing to call any of these men your boyfriend if they were willing? Yes. Okay, so then I don't know how much this is a defense mechanism because of some past trauma

with your dad because you would have dated them. Yeah, but I knew that they wouldn't, right? Because they were so clear up front, I don't want a girlfriend. I just broke up with someone. I just want to have fun. Like those people- Well, I don't know what internal conversations

did you have with yourself, you know, when they said that, where you, did you truly believe them? And did you not try to be their girlfriend? Or did you try to constantly prove to them how great you two could be, and then occasionally check in, asking them if they would want to be interested in reconsidering and being an exclusive

relationship. Yeah, there was some of that with some of them. Okay. Yeah, there was definitely some of that. Yeah. I mean, I don't think it's like a black and white answer. I'm just, I'm trying to be like introspective and understand how I can maybe shift my approach moving forward.

I'm not doing the stuff I was doing five years ago, which was just like wasting months or even a year on a situationship and getting physical with them and then feeling like devastated when it didn't work out, when it was very obvious from the get-go that it wouldn't. Yeah, I mean, listen, I'm sure there's a lot of truth. And again, maybe I'm not expert here, so take what I say is the greatest of all, but I'm sure there's a lot of truth. And again, maybe I'm not expert here, so take what I say, I think we're gonna solve.

But I'm sure there's some truth to the subconscious. I'm a big believer in the subconscious mind and acknowledge that past traumas play a part of our life. But I also think a good old fashioned, needing the validation and having an ego and wanting to, you know, find a partner that you think is hot as fuck and you're proud that they're your man and has, you know, charisma and charm and you feel like there are other ladies in the room that

are kind of like envious of your partner. I think that's a very relatable and normal feeling. And I think, you know, you've had a hard time finding, you know, it could just be a little bit of that, you know, not necessarily you're only going after fuck boys because of some past trauma of your father who's since passed and you are, you could be in a healthy relationship if you really wanted to, but you're only going after unavailable men.

Yeah. I don't know. Maybe. Yeah. What feels more believable to you? I think, especially since I shared my upbringing and how I was really quiet and shy, very demure, very mindful, and didn't get that attention growing up. You know, there is that, I think, innate desire inside that, like,

I can get the hottest guy today. My guess is, if I were to, like, channel my therapist, Arlene, again, not a therapist, take what I say with a grain of salt, but I think every time you meet a hottie, 15-year-old you pops out. The high school quarterback, I mean, God, that's honestly probably the only reason you said yes to him because like 15 year old you would have been geeking out. Yes. Exactly.

And I think when you're on dates with other men, you do find attractive. That validation of Kevin believes that this hottie likes you. That little girl comes out and that's the person you're validating. To me, that sounds way more logical than the other stuff. Then the other stuff. No, that makes sense. And I'm not saying the other stuff isn't valid and maybe there's aren't hints of that there and things like that too, but.

Right. Then I'm not trying to have some sort of debate with whoever gave you that advice or wherever you read it. It's more like. I think it actually came up with it on my own and just kind of make go Make sense of why you know it's been this way for me, but it's just more like what do we do with this information? Maybe it's some past you know abandonment issues You know like it sounds to me that you do want to have a relationship you seem like you're actively pursuing one again Maybe that's with unavailable men, but I think it's not their unavailable

that you're finding attractive, it's their face. Yeah, and the charisma and how they make you feel. And how they are in bed and how they make you feel in the moment and the intensity and excitement that is centered around hanging out with some of these guys. Well, and there's that butterfly feeling that everyone talks about. So for you, the problem, and if I that butterfly feeling that everyone talks about.

So for you, the problem, and if I were to guess here, your challenge of landing one of these men has more to do with the fact that you haven't been able to wrangle 15-year-old you from coming out every time you hang out with one of these men. And instead of being the confident, beautiful woman that you are, that many men, like this last guy you went on a date with, like can't believe you're on a date with, when you meet a guy

that you feel like you need their validation, you turn into the ugly duckling. And the insecure little girl who needs validation and it's like not that attractive. 100%. So you need, how do we figure that out? I don't know, but you just read me like a book. Do you work on that with your therapist?

Yeah, I actually just switched therapists. I have been seeing one for 10 years and just felt like time for a new one. Was it because you like listened to the episode a couple of weeks ago, was it? I was listening to that one recently, but I switched before that episode. With your new therapist, again, check in with him,

get their opinion, but this would seem like maybe something you could work on. Yeah, no, absolutely. You know, fight against that little girl coming out when you're on these dates. Yeah, no, that's really helpful, and I haven't really had that frame of mind when I've been thinking about it.

So it helps us to chat it out. Couple just again, just real basic stuff I could pass along to you is when you're on these dates, like for you knowing this, just knowing this and recognizing this and saying out loud to yourself and owning it. Anytime you match with a guy in the app and you can say to you I find him very attractive Immediately you need to recognize your vulnerability. Yeah

Yeah, I recognize your recognizing your vulnerability doesn't mean you psych yourself out, you know, like oh my god No, I'm not gonna be a normal on this guy. It's just like alright. I think he's hot. Alright calm down Literally tell yourself to calm down. I'm like, he's hot, we're getting married. Yeah, he's hot, but like, I've met a lot of hot assholes before. I need to get to know him. And so before I start planning my future with him

and start telling myself, I need this guy to like me, I need to see potentially in him, a lot of guys I've met before who I now can't stand and find unattractive by what I've learned by them. And I just need to see that potential in him. We always like to see everyone's good potential when we don't know them. But I think it's also fair and like maybe like a safeguard to see their bad potential too and just be open to finding out which one's more true.

And so maybe to help not get yourself psyched out is to simply recognize that, you know, you need to learn about their potential, both good and bad, and be open to both being true, even though they're hot. Right. And just having that conversation out loud with yourself might go a long way to like helping you like have this come up in real time.

And that might calm you down on a date. It might just be like, you know, instead you're going into dates hoping these guys like you. Right. It's all you care about. You go into these first dates with these men that you find very physically attracted to not even thinking about getting to know them or learning about them your only objective is that they leave and want a second date with you that's all your head is at and so how could you not psych yourself out so when that's your

only objective what do you do with that would like I don't know walk in a room where people say, impress me. But that's the energy you're bringing to the table. No wonder, I'm sure at times you've acted insecure or neurotic or weird or I'm sure how many times have you left these dates and thought to yourself, who the fuck was that? What did I just do?

Who was that? Who was that person? Have you ever felt that way after a date? Yeah, like when I've felt the energy be me way more attracted than they are or just like, wow, this guy's really hot and it doesn't feel like it's going well other than the fact that he's hot. Yeah, yeah, definitely. Yeah, that's probably because you go in there putting all this pressure on yourself that you have to like impress the room. Right. Right.

You know, as opposed to going into a date, being like, all right, he's hot. Cool. Met a hot guy before. Neat. I'm hot too. Let's see if I like them. I don't know if I like them. You seem, you know, there's you, you, you're 40 years old. You've must men met a lot of annoying, douchey, awkward, good-looking men.

Absolutely, yes. So I think it's the ones that are calm, cool, collected, and like just having fun. Have you met enough of calm, cool, collected guys on the app only to meet them in person and realize was your friend texting me before? Because who is this guy? You've never met him. Yeah, no, for sure.

All right, so why can't you go into a date and just acknowledge that even though he's hot, he could be one of these many men before that have proved to me to be like someone I'm not interested in? Absolutely. As opposed to convincing yourself that this guy could be the one, and if he is, I need him to be obsessed with me. Right, and he obviously is not the one if I'm having to convince anyone to be obsessed with me. I think that's a power thing. Sure, but that's more logical you know,

but your ego. You know what I'm saying? This is about you checking your ego, right? This is about you. This is about you just figuring out how to like have a conversation with yourself that you can go into first dates like yourself and call. Yeah. And you can be the person on a conversation with yourself that you can go into first dates like yourself and call. Yeah. And you can be the person on a date with someone you recognize is very physically attractive, the same way you'd go on a date with someone that you don't find very attractive. And how can you be that person? Yeah. Incredibly confident on those dates.

Yeah. And to do that is just recognizing that you've met a lot of weird, awkward, inappropriate, obnoxious, good-looking men. Yes, that's very true. And then consider the possibility that they might be one of those guys as well. And also recognize that the odds are, since it's like, you know, really good versus the feel of annoying characteristics, the chances of him being great is slim to none. So you're psyching yourself out with a bunch of men that you would eventually be annoyed with but you don't even give them an opportunity to annoy you because like you

can't even be yourself on a first date because 15 year old you comes out. Yeah I think it's also about not letting the ego be so bruised that it impacts my confidence over time. Like when it doesn't, when they're, you know, it's like instead of being like, oh my God, but he was so hot. I wish you would have texted me just recognizing not my guy. And that's all you're thinking about. You are obsessing over these guys's look. And if you are saying if you can go on a first date and then think to yourself, I didn't really have that much fun,

I don't think he was that interested in me. Seemed kind of annoying actually, it was a little bit rude, but my God, he was so hot, I hope he texts me. Then, you know, that's where you gotta, you know, be a little self-aware here, you know, and recognize at this stage in your life, you should be able to at least have learned

from your own mistakes. One would hope, yeah. You can. I mean, I think that I am definitely more self-aware. I think it's... I haven't had a crush on someone in a really long time. I've just found myself not attracted to a lot of people. And I don't know if that's just the pool is getting smaller. No, I think you're just gonna be out of hot. Listen, I just think there's more people out there you're not physically attracted to than you are, and as should be the case.

Yeah. It's just like. Right. I think, again, I think social media, I do think social media has warped our entitlement to what we think we deserve in the looks department. Yes, I agree. And the apps can be really tough too, because it's all based on looks department. Yes, I agree. And the apps can be really tough too,

because it's all based on looks and- Totally. I think you could be patient for someone you find physically attractive. And that can be a spectrum, but I don't think you have to start going on dates of men that you have to like get over, that you don't find them physically attractive.

Be willing to let people surprise you. I don't think there's anything wrong with going on a date with a guy because he showed you a different side that maybe wasn't leading with his looks and he made you laugh and he made you, I don't know, but it should be based around how he makes you feel.

You know? For sure. So all for that, but I'm saying when then you meet a guy who you are physically attracted to, the more you can, again, calm down, pull back, have a conversation with yourself, recognize that this is just the beginning, stop focusing on their looks, speak out loud the reality

that I'm gonna go on this date and I'm gonna get to know this guy and I'm gonna be open to the possibility of learning about something I don't like. And honestly, your dream scenario is a guy early on showing you something you don't like more of an ick so that you can kind of like

slow it down. Slow it down. And then he can feel a little insecure that, you know, whatever, but cause it's so much of, feel a little insecure, you know, whatever. But because there's so much of getting to know someone especially early on and I feel like why people have our hard and hard on time connecting is because we've gotten way too like picky early on and judgmental and there's always another person

to match with as soon as this bad date ends, et cetera, et cetera, so I do think we have to, you know, to challenge, but we're not even getting to know each other, you know? Like again, you're not gonna know these guys. You're just focusing on them liking you. 100%. And then you're matching with a bunch of men who probably aren't interested in these relationships.

A lot of them are probably telling you that. And they're just interested in having casual sex for whatever reason. Or they're married and they tell you on the. And they're just interesting in having casual sex for whatever reason. Or they're married and they tell you on the date that they're married. Yeah. And do you stay on these dates? No.

That's good. Yeah, but it's, I mean, it's definitely happened. You just kind of, the kind of people that are on the apps now is a lot different, I feel like, than it was like 10 years ago. Oh, I mean, I can only imagine. Yeah. And that part sucks.

But you can... Do you live in a decent sized city? Yeah, I'm just outside of a city. Okay. So there are other ways to meet people, for sure, in your case, than apps. But like, I'm not saying you can't... But pick... You know, you can pick and choose. I also think with apps, I think a lot... I think they can be a lot more productive if you're willing to come up

with your own boundaries and limitations to how you use the apps and hold yourself accountable to do that. Boundaries being like how- How often you're on the apps, how many people you match with conversations you're willing to have. If you're just using it as a validation tool

for like hot or not or how many people, then it becomes, you know, you shouldn't be talking with many men at once. Like how can you possibly get to know them? I think you should try to limit that and, you know, and try to get on as FaceTime or Zoom dates as fast as possible because like texting with someone is, texting with a stranger,

I think is a giant waste of your time. And I also recognize that like going on physical dates, even if you're not the one paying for them, is just like a big time commitment suck. And it can be mostly exhausting where you can learn a lot about someone in 10 to 15 minutes over a FaceTime or a Zoom and move on. But at the same time,

I don't think you should be talking to multiple people at once because like then you're just kind of dating around. Yeah, I don't have the energy for multiple people at once. I tend to just focus on one, two max at a time. And I have tried the Zooms before at first date. Not a lot of people are like open to doing it or they just find it to be weird. That's fine.

Yeah, but you could weed a lot of people out that way. I think you're in a position to have some again, it's like boundaries. Everyone finds your boundaries inconvenient to them. Everyone. Right. Because that's what about like, if they don't, that's just because they're aligned with your boundary and it really ceases to be a boundary for them. It's, you know, it's very easy for them to respect something they also need to have. Right.

Right. When you say a boundary for you is often limiting access to someone else in some way, shape or form, and that is something that people will find inconvenient or annoying or frustrating. And that's the moment that most people struggle with because to do that to enforce that boundary has to be to Disappoint the people we often don't want to disappoint and it's having the guts to still do that and to say this is actually important to me and this is not something you know and And I hope you still accept me

But the more you're willing to do that and show that like it is important to you, more people will respect that about you. And if they don't, they won't. But like for the guys who like find hopping on a quick zoom. Well, it tends to look like a red flag for me. So I'm like, okay, well. What do you mean? It looks, yeah. So that's what I'm saying.

That the scene is a red flag. It's like, yeah. It's not a, it's not a huge ask. No, I don't think so either. And it, you know, who wants to get ready for a whole day if they don't have to. Yeah, exactly. So yeah, but I just said, so, but that's, that's a good thing. If people have a hard time, uh, meeting your boundaries, chances are it's a pretty good boundary, you know, or, or, well, maybe Or maybe a good boundary is a wrong way to look at it.

Maybe it just means it's really important to you and difficult for other people to meet and that's something, let's tell you something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it's about trusting my gut a little bit more too with that stuff. Well, part of trusting your gut is be willing to respect your gut over what your ego needs.

And most of the time we don't trust our gut because it's not about not trusting our gut, it's about ignoring our gut because we want this hot person to be our person. No, it's true. You're giving me a lot to think about. It's helpful for sure. Because I do want to think about like, okay, well, what can I do to kind of at least have like a mindset shift or just be more aware of the like 15 year old me version and just chatting through that I think is.

Do you feel like you have some guidelines? From what you and I talked about? Yeah. Yeah. Well, let's just, what would they be? Well. You're on the app, you match with a hottie. Yeah. Chris Hemsworth, all right, go. What do they be? Well, you're on the app, you match with a hottie. Yeah. Chris Hemsworth.

All right, go. What do you do? You want to get on a Zoom and chit chat a little bit? That's the first thing you do? Well, on, you know, when we're like matching. No, no. What's the first thing you you match with someone? What's the first thing you do? Very first thing.

Check with myself and also remind myself that I am now vulnerable because I'm attracted to this person. There you go. All right, step one, there we go. See, that's what matters. And then run. No, step two is acknowledge that you want to get to know this person and despite them being hot,

they could be what? A douche, a mask. All of the above. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, I put them on a pedestal the second I'm attracted to them. If it's like their personality, their charismatic, they're the social butterfly, they make everyone laugh.

They're just hot, you know, I'm like, oh my God, you know? And then there's just like this huge range of, either I'm like very attracted or I'm disgusted. But I mean, again, I don't know, I haven't been in a room with you when you're on the dating app smashing with these guys. Do you think you're capable of doing that? Of checking in with myself and reminding myself how,

yeah, I think so. I think it's about being aware of it. And I don't know that I've taken a step back and said to myself, you're doing it again and you're getting all amped up and hyped up about someone that you don't even know anything about other than that he's physically good looking. There you go.

Do you have a friend that can remind you of this? Oh yeah. Okay. Many friends that will happily remind me of this. Is this new information or is this the same information given to you in a different way? I think it's the same information given in a different way.

I don't think I've ever really talked about like my youth and kind of how I felt in terms of my like attractiveness and how that might translate over to my adult dating and where I'm seeking validation for. I don't know if I've ever really heard it in those terms, but yeah, I think I've heard before what I'm attracted to tends to be physically great on paper, but generally speaking, people who are not good partners.

Yeah. Well, and I'm not asking this so that I could be like, yeah, I gave the best advice you've ever given. No. No, I want, what I don't want this to be is the same thing in a different way. And then like, you don't do anything with this information. I want to figure out what will be different

going forward for you. So if that is new, then again, find that friend. You again, you just, again, people use the word intentional all the time. This is you being intentional. Intentional is not just getting on the phone with me and talking about your problems and then for the past 40 minutes,

you've been the center of attention here. And that's great, we've been able to talk about you. And sometimes I think we like to talk about our problems with our friends because we are, in fact, the center of that attention, right? But even in therapy, people, we get addicted to therapy. Why? Because it's two people a room talking about me, you know?

And then when my therapist wants to talk about their life, I could be like, shut the fuck up, I'm paying you. No, but seriously, there is a little bit of that, you know? And so if you do have a habit of constantly getting with the girls or a couple of your guy friends or family members to talk about your dating dilemmas and problems, then everyone's giving you advice. You're always saying, I know I need to change this.

I know I do this over and over, but you never actually do, then that's something you should recognize. But again, being intentional with your dating life would be to actually do the thing that we've been talking about, which is to A, now phone the friend. Like be like, hey, listen, this is something I've been working on about myself, but I have this habit. So I want you to check in with me from time to time. And when I meet a guy I'm physically attracted to, I'm probably going to call you out and say, hey, we found one. So we're on high alert. So I need you to check in with me and

just remind me. And I'm going to try to remind myself that I am susceptible to like, like completely ignoring all the obvious red flags because I just want this hot guy to take my clothes off. And I want, I want to prove to my ego that like, I can, I can change whatever problems he has and we'll, we'll figure out, we'll just muscle through this until I can show the world that I can land this hottie. But what I'd like to do and the next time I go on a date with this guy, I'd like to focus on getting to know him because God knows I've met too many good-looking guys that just turn out to be fucking you, gross. Yeah. So together friend we're gonna do this and actually doing the thing. Well I think it's about actually doing the thing

and getting out of the spiral and the rumination of, does he like me back and just be confident in who I am and not care so much if it doesn't work out. And you seem like a highly intelligent, very capable, self-aware person that I do think. Because I think sometimes these things sound cheesy or, oh my God, really? I'm actually, you know, like, but they work.

Yeah, I know what you think. And holding yourself accountable might take phoning the friend or having the conversation with you or a conversation with yourself. But, you know, doing the same thing over and over and over. I don't think you're crazy, even though that's a definition of insanity. But it could be just plain old fashioned like talking about yourself. Fair, that's fair.

Just a thought. No, I think that's fair. I think we're all guilty of that to be clear. I'm not trying to come out, you know, but. No, for sure, for sure. You see, I guess my big takeaway is you seem more than capable of like correcting course and. And I want to.

Yeah, and I don't think you need to settle for guys that you find homely and a little obnoxious. I really appreciate that. All right. All right. Well, good luck out there. Thanks guys. I really appreciate it.

I like your boots. Thank you. All right. Well, love it update on how if you actually implement some of the stuff and, and, and if you notice a difference, but slow down, check in with yourself, you know, learn from your past experience. You have some lived experience that's, that is the benefit of getting older. It sure is.

All right. All right, guys. Thanks so much. Take care. Take care. Bye. Thanks so much. Take care. Take care. Bye. Bye. Thanks for listening. Don't forget to send in your questions at asknick of thevalphiles.com. For all things Ask Nick, texting office hours. We'll be back tomorrow for a recap. See you then. Bye.