The Viall Files - E81 Ask Nick - Obsessed with his Ex

Episode Date: January 20, 2020

On today’s episode of Ask Nick, we talk to someone who has been cheated on 20 times, someone who can’t stop obsessing over her boyfriend’s exes, a woman whose boyfriend read through her ENTIRE phone, and a woman who got broken up on her birthday. Stop gambling on a bad bet…leave the casino! Send your sex and dating questions to [e-mail]. Leave a review for your chance to win free merch! THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS: BEST FIENDS: https://download.bestfiends.com ARTICLE: https://www.article.com/nick ROOT INSURANCE: https://www.joinroot.com/ ROTHY’S: https://rothys.com/viall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

what is up everybody happy monday y'all thanks for tuning in giggling is my producer we're showing you have to apologize for giggling i I'm a giggle monster. It makes someone laugh. How are you doing, Rachelle? I'm great. This might be my favorite Ask Nick episode yet. Really? Yeah, I just found everyone was like super vulnerable, super like just open and I thought it was really good advice. Thanks. I wasn't too tough? I don't think you're too tough. Like i'm someone who needs someone to be tough with me and just be like stop doing that you know there's a few of those yeah this episode

anything new with your life anything you need to stop doing how's your 2020 going so far good like i'm just focusing on like feeling good about myself and hoping that will draw someone towards me. You know what I mean? I'm not focused outside, but so far so good. What about you? It's fine. I don't know. What do you mean?

It's fine, yeah, so far so good. Are you feeling optimistic? I'm not feeling anything. Nick. What? Optimistic about what? Your future. Sure. I'm not feeling anything Nick what optimistic about what your future sure

oh no I don't know yeah I've been lazy at home recently really that's okay yeah

I I get do you ever do that I'm not a I'm not a particularly tidy person okay and I like to have a clean place yeah but like sometimes I get do you ever do that I'm not a I'm not a particularly tidy person okay

and I like to have a clean place yeah but like sometimes in some days I'll just get in this rut where like for like a week

I live in a mess really like I won't fold my laundry and it's just like over there like there's no filth right like yeah

there's no like you think you're like going through like a minor depression maybe maybe I tell you like we said this last week it's Yeah. There's no like. You think you're like going through like a minor depression? Maybe. Maybe. I tell you, we said this last week. It's really taken me a while.

To get back in. To get the wheels turning in 2020. I can feel that. Like I get home and it's like eh. Yeah. I don't know. We'll turn the ship around. Watch a documentary about murder and depression and CTE.

The Eric Hernandez documentary. Sad. That's so good. Very sad. Good and sad and tragic. Yeah. I was really, I mean, there was so much to unpack there. But even when they talk about the sexuality.

I know. They talk about the offensive lineman who was there talking about how he was gay and how he would do to mask these things. And it's just like you really hear, it's really heavy. Very heavy. It's really well done. Maybe that's not what I should be watching right now.

Yeah, when you're feeling down. I'm not really feeling down. I'm just feeling a little. Yeah. Not, you know, I don't know. Anyways. Hey'm not really feeling down. I'm just feeling a little. Yeah. Not, you know. Anyways. Hey, have you made a vision board yet? Should we have a vision board party?

Come on. Maybe you should do it. We could share it on Instagram. I've got vision boards in my head. But you know what's really gotten me in a good mood when I am down? Best fiends. Best fiends. I knew you were going to say best fiends.

I know. That's what I was playing while I was watching the Aaron Hernandez documentary. Damn cute characters. So freaking adorable. They always have a new theme for a new holiday. I'll tell you what though, but I love those brain exercises. That much I am sure of. Yeah, you're playing

a game to relax, but you also know that you're, you know. Anyways, engage your brain with fun puzzles and collect tons of cute characters trust me with over 100 million downloads this five-star rated mobile puzzle game is a must play download best fiends free on the apple app store or google play that is best friends without the R, best fiends. We love it. It is amazing. Article. What can we say about article that we haven't already other than it is fantastic furniture, modern, stylish, array of choices.

Yes. Fun and easy, convenient order. And if by some miracle you don't like what you have, they make the return simple. So easy. Easy. So this, if you're watching on YouTube, this is the couch I got. This Tansofit.

It is so sexy. So comfortable. It looks so good. I'm trying to convince my parents to get it too. It's really nice. Very contemporary. Yeah. But it also fits with my vibe.

I have never not had someone compliment my article. Shut up. Really? And I never. That's incredible. Look at that. What a cool modern blue couch you have. I guess everyone's complimented me too now that I'm thinking about it.

Wow, you guys. And totally reasonably priced. Yep. Anyways, article is offering our listeners $50 off their first purchase of $100 or more. Visit article.com slash nick, N-I-C-K, and the discount will be automatically applied at checkout. That's article.com slash N-I-C-K to get $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more. So yeah, we think, well, Rochelle thinks this is the best episode of Ask Nick of all time.

I don't know if you guys will agree but I hope so. I like it. And for those of you who are interested in our bachelor recaps, come back tomorrow

for a fun and entertaining recap with my friend, very talented, funny comedian, Betsy Sedaro. Yeah. Up and comer in Hollywood. You're not going to want

to miss it. Yeah. And then on Wednesday, we have the wonderful historical ladies from Women on Top. Yeah. Tamin and Roxy. Yeah. Former Pretty Little Liars character. Yeah. Anyways,

thanks for listening. Don't forget to send in your questions at asknickatcastmedia.com don't forget to send us in your five star reviews tell you what we are going to what select

what ten winners and give them free merch I did not know about this yeah I'm deciding it right now we're doing it t-shirts

sweatshirts, phone cases. Wow. So sending you reviews, and let's see, in two weeks, we'll select 10 winners. Nice. So get on it, people. Enjoy these questions. Questions. Question time with Nick. questions. All right.

How's it going? Hi, I'm Samantha. I'm 31 years old and I, uh, have been seeing this guy for three and a half years and I have caught him cheating on me probably about 20 times. Samantha, what the fuck?

I know. But the thing is, whenever I try and end it, he fights for me back and says I'm the only person he wants. So I'm just trying to figure out why he won't just let me go. He wants to sleep with 20 women at once. That's fine with me, but I don't want to see him. Why are you acting like a victim i mean what i'm doing yeah i mean you're yes you're you're being cheated on so that sucks and i mean the first time you were definitely the victim and uh

in a sense but then then you forgave him and then and then he and then he cheated again and then and then you were kind of less of a victim because you know you forgave him the first time and he showed you a pattern and then you forgive him again and then he cheated again and then and then at that point it's just kind of on you you know i know and i feel that too especially because like in the last month it's been really bad um so there's it kind came in stages. For the first year and a half, we were pretty good. Then things got really rough. I knew he was cheating on me, but I couldn't quite pinpoint it. I didn't have any proof.

Then things got really bad with us. I ended up taking off to Oregon for a while. Then he came clean himself. This is the very first time he came clean. He's like, okay, I slept with all these women. They're my exes, people from Tinder, et cetera. Oh, so it wasn't like you caught him 20 times. You caught, he came clean and said, I've done this about 20 times. Well, the first time he came clean. So he, he told me, and so then I broke up with him for about a month and a half. And, um, then he, then he fought for

me back. He was like, I'll do anything to have you again, I made a huge mistake, you're everything I've ever wanted, etc, etc, etc. And then I was like, Okay, let's do this again. So I actually moved back home. And we got back together, and then things were okay for a while. And then fast forward a year up into a couple weeks, about a month ago, and I find out that he did it again. This time I found out, I reached out to a girl I thought it was. And she told me, she's like, yep, we've slept together twice. And then there's, there's other things too. Oh, I talked to another girl and she also slept with him. And then that's when he told me, he's like, yeah, I lost count at 20.

What? Yeah. And I know you're right. It sounds so crazy thinking about it. A part of it is like, it's like routine. Like it's like, it's like this cycle. Like it's just familiar. I don't know. Why do you, what made you want to get back together the first time you decided to forgive him? He's my first love.

I mean, I get that. I also met him in a really, really interesting time. We met through theater. We're both actors. And I met him the same week my father passed away, very unexpectedly. So I think combining trauma with meeting a man, he's wrapped up with a whole bunch of stuff. So it's really hard to like let it go, especially considering he was my first love.

Yeah. You know, when she emailed me, I kind of pictured like someone who was like a mess, but she's, you can't see her, but she's gorgeous. Very put together. You know, just a normal girl. I mean, every, every, yeah, you don't, you don't have to either a look like a mess or or be a mess in every other aspect of your life to to do this but i at the same time i actually i'm just curious like what what makes you like even if the first like when you got back together with him when you're he's like and he fought for you you were just like i mean listen i do believe trust

is a choice and good for you for hey if you're going to do this you got to let it go but were you able to let it go did it affect other parts of your relationship i mean at what point do you say i don't deserve i don't want a relationship right i don't trust someone yeah um it did it was really hard um at first we kind of went through like a honeymoon phase again, like a quick one, like maybe two weeks. And then we got to, this is a terrible relationship. I know it is. But that he was, yeah. And then I would try and like tell him how I was having trust issues. And this is going to be really hard for me. And I'm going to need a lot of patience. And he would get angry when I asked for those things. He would get so pissed. He did it just, he did it this morning, if I'm going to be completely honest, because I'm trying to work through it again where I'm like, I, we have, our trust is broken. You're still together? You're like, you're... For now, but the thing is, and I feel like I'm like, what's that saying? The boy who cried wolf. We are together, but I think i'm at wit's end i'm just trying to find a way to like officially i would hope you

were i would hope you were at wit's end the line you're like well i'm trying he won't let me go like you're not a prisoner i mean i think i know you need to you need to take some ownership here uh and and stop acting like the victim. I mean, listen, what's happened to you sucks, but you're not powerless here. You're acting powerless. You're just giving them all the power, and it's just like you can choose to be faithful to me or you can choose to sleep with other people. I hope that if you do cheat on me, then you'll have the courtesy to break up

with me. Like, this is your lot. I mean, I think that's how crazy it sounds. Because you're just like, well, just if you want to sleep with other people, fine. But can you please break up with me? Because just let me go. Like, you're literally acting as if you have zero power here and that you're kidnapped in this emotional relationship. I've never thought about it that way. You're right. Yeah, you're right. I mean, you're pleading with him till i break up with it's like why like you know you know when her father died so suddenly it's such a lack of control and then here she is acting again as if she has no control i wonder if there's some i don't know yeah i mean i i'm not a psychologist and I don't, but yeah,

sure. Yeah. That you can make some, uh, comparisons and, and I, you know, even you've taken a stab at trying to understand your reasoning and,

and, and comparing it and attaching it to loss your father. And I don't, I can't only, I can only imagine how difficult that was for you. But, uh, again,

in my unprofessional opinion i do sometimes we do use trauma in our lives to make excuses for our own actions you know it's just like there might be some psychological reason why you're doing this but also just might be a crutch you know it's just like maybe you're just simply afraid to be single again and afraid to find listen i the your first love is a is a an important and traumatic event in anyone's life because you it's your first love and there's always this real fear of being able to replicate those feelings again um and there is no guarantee how quickly that will happen, but it's never going to happen if you don't, if you don't allow yourself to be. And so I,

I appreciate there's real fear there, but you know, comparing, you know, understanding why you're making the decisions and tying it back to the loss of your father, it doesn't necessarily solve your problem. I mean,

even if that is the reason it's just like, okay, fine, maybe it is. But at this point you've got to stop using it as an excuse to why you are accepting this kind of treatment for yourself. I know. I don't know what you're getting out of it at this point. Nothing.

And that's why I think I'm like, I feel, I really do feel like I'm at the end. This has got to be the end of it, you know? Well, again, even the way you're talking right now, it's like you just, you know, there's a lack of confidence on your part. It sounds like the dynamic of the relationship you have, it's obviously clearly very toxic in the sense that, like, he feels justified.

Like, he has this, you know, you are in a way being manipulated instead of, he's showing anger towards you you know and flipping flipping fault it's like as if he's he's he's almost acting like the victim and somehow of yeah absolutely it's like oh well i apologize what do you want me to do you know uh but in some cases you've taken them back, right? Like, and interestingly enough, if someone messes up in any relationship, right? And they do apologize. In theory, there's just like, well, I apologize, right?

And so like, hey, if you're going to forgive me, then you need to forgive me. And there is some truth to that to a certain extent, right? Like, hey, I mean, if you don't want to forgive me, don't forgive me. me and oh crazy and there is some truth to that to a certain certain extent right like hey i mean if you don't want to forgive me don't forgive me but if you are going to forgive me you can't keep bringing it up right and there's some truth to that but in this case you you don't trust him there's so much damage and in this relationship so like but he there's you guys you two have gotten into this pattern of how you know communication and this relationship, it's all very broken. So you've got to stop trying to figure out anything.

Just end it. It's real simple. I mean, you will. It sounds so simple and simple. When you talk about it like that, it is. It's so black and white. It doesn't feel simple. You don't know.

You have created such a web of excuses for yourself and for him. And you've been with him for a long, you know, it's three and a half years. You don't really remember what it's like to be without him and be single. You've given up a lot for him. You've moved for him. There's all these things internally that you're thinking about of when you do break up with them, there's going to probably be moments of feeling foolish and regret and feel like you wasted all this time, but you can't think of it that way. And you have to learn from it and you have to really be like, all right, well, did you waste some time?

Maybe. You can learn from it. But all you're doing every day that you're with him, you're just wasting more and more time. It's never going to get better. You're just going to – it's like you've lost $1,000 gambling, right? Now, do you want to lose $10,000 or you just want to lose $1,000? You're not going to ever get back to even. You're certainly not going to make money at this table.

So do you want to cut your losses now or do you want to get more in debt? And that's really the choice that you're at right now. But you keep thinking, well, this one's it. We'll get our money back here. That's never going to happen. And that is my mentality, right? Maybe this time it'll change. Maybe this time it'll be different.

Maybe this time we'll fix things. It's only your fault at this point. So you're at the blackjack table. Everyone's telling you to get out. You don't even have money to bet. You just keep borrowing it from the casino at this really high interest rate. And everyone's telling you

and you just refuse to get up. And it's as simple as this giving, getting up and leaving. There's no question for both of you as far because like I said, this is my first longest relationship by a long shot by years. And the big thing that I have a trouble and I think this is a normal problem, I think is that like it's less it's how do you just stop talking to somebody that you've spoken to pretty much 24 refuse. That's the thing. It's like, is it gonna be hard? Sure difficult and you're going to feel like you refuse that's the thing it's like it's is it gonna be hard sure but you're like choosing like uh the fear of temporary loneliness over just like you know potential long-term happiness it's like well i don't want

to be lonely this weekend so i'll just keep putting up with this you know i mean you're only you just need to lead. Don't let them come home. It's that simple. And you know, it's going to be hard. You're going to miss them. And you're going to, there'll be days, even though he's done all these things to you and he's hurt your feelings and he's broken your heart.

There'll be days that you're like, oh God, we had so much fun doing this. And I kind of wish he were here. And that's normal. But that doesn't change how he treated you and it doesn't mean like plenty of guys who will go to the movies with you or or or take some class that you enjoyed or cook with you or all these just create new memories with someone else you know like you're you're refusing to do that by making all these excuses and you know you are making excuses and you're just finding all these reasons to be comfortable in your dissatisfaction and you're just too comfortable with this toxic relationship.

Yeah. And it's not romantic. Like we want to romanticize. Oh, he fought for me to get me back. Like it's actually not. And then like what you're probably really good at doing is making the smallest of efforts on his part, like some sort of like Nobel Prize winning event. Oh, my God, you showed up on time. You're such a sweetheart.

Oh, my God. Thank you for not flirting with the waitress. You are a dream man. Oh, no. You know, like he you're just like grasping at straws for any like not shitty performance in his part you know like but this is on you at this point like he's he sucks you know he doesn't respect you he doesn't love you he only love this is not you right this is not about this is not how he treats you isn't it isn't a reflection of you it's just him this is how he is this is who he is as a

person unfortunately he'll probably do this to his next girlfriend not your problem but this is It isn't a reflection of you. It's just him. This is how he is. This is who he is as a person. Unfortunately, he'll probably do this to his next girlfriend, not your problem. But this is not like a measurement of who you are as a person, but you've turned it into this. It's gotten so bad that maybe you need to talk to someone, a friend or a therapist or whatever, because you are down a rabbit hole of these. It should be very easy. And I know I'm simplifying it for you. or whatever like because you're you are down a rabbit hole of of these you know like it should be very easy and i know i'm trying to i'm simplifying it for you and you're like oh it sounds easy and i unfortunately don't believe that you're gonna hang up the phone and break

up with them you don't no i don't oh i hope you i hope i'm wrong but my guess is you'll probably hang out with them thank you for being so vulnerable and open. I know that's a hard thing to admit and talk about. But you need to be tough on yourself now. Now it's time for tough love for Samantha and really tell your friends to be tough on you. No more excuses

for yourself. You got to look yourself in the mirror and really go for it. Or else you're going to have to wear that I don't respect myself shirt. Yeah, we'll send you a t-shirt so i don't respect myself you're a prime candidate uh it's just you know quick plug for uh shop vile files.com but uh yeah you know you uh you gotta be tough on yourself. No one else. All right? All right. Best of luck.

Thank you so much. Prove me wrong. Prove me wrong. I will. All right. Thank you. Thank you. Bye. Bye.

That was a tough one. Yeah. I don't... That was probably my most heartbreaking call yet. Really? Yeah. We've had a lot of them, but. Why? I just feel.

Have you ever done that? Yeah, not the same, but like, you know what my therapist said to me yesterday? She's like, you're addicted to feeling bad. You're just so used to feeling bad. You keep getting those situations. Definitely people are comfortable with pain. Yeah. They love to hurt so much.

You get familiar with it, for sure. And we've all been there. I've been there for, you know, especially in breakups. You know, people when they break up, they wallow in their own pity. And again, there's that part of a breakup where you can't have the relationship, you can't have the person, but you can have the memory of them. Yes. So I guess I'll take that, you know, because I'm not ready really to let them go, you know?

You're just so comfortable. Yeah. You just have to say goodbye. They're just a fucking person. Exactly. And eventually you just won't care about them. Exactly. You can't see it because they've consumed your life so much.

Yeah. But eventually you'll just move on um i women do that more than men though yeah don't you think is that safe to say i mean i we love the idea of like him fighting for me back you know what i mean like that whole some men have done that don't get me wrong i mean men have been cheated on too and then they'll put up a lot too for the sake of love but i've i've heard more stories where it's like he's cheated on me 10 times what i don't yes and he's not fighting for you right i'm saying that he's not fighting for you he's just he's just keeping you around because you know you're comfortable and you're safe uh he is not fighting for you at all.

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How's it going? Good. How are you? Good. What's your name? My name's Nora. How old are you, Nora? I'm 23. How can we help Nora, 23? So I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for five and a half years.

Starting six months into our relationship, I got pretty bad jealousy of his ex-girlfriend. It was mostly connected to sex. girlfriends and it was mostly like connected to sex and um and then that kind of like the the sexual jealousy sort of dissipated after about like two and a half years of our relationship and then it became this kind of crazy like like, curiosity. So it's less of, like, a pronounced painful sexual jealousy and more of a, just, like, a weird need to know what he was like in previous relationships. And I guess, like like the problem,

the biggest problem with it is, I mean, it kind of like causes me some shame. And then, um, I also bring it up to him and it's like stuff that I think he would just prefer to leave in the past. And, um,

I mean, it was five years ago. Yeah. So I guess how old is your boyfriend? He's 28. Okay. And how many other boyfriends have you had? I had one boyfriend in high school.

And now what? You're five years later, you're still obsessing over some girl he dated before this crush? I know. When you were literally a child um i it's not even like it's just it's not an obsession anymore it's like i'm curious about what um what he was like in other have you asked him oh yeah yeah i mean i also like what why does it matter i mean listen i understand that there's to some extent you want to learn a bit about what your your partner was like before you existed i mean hey as a kid sometimes it's always fun to hear stories about what your parents were like before you existed. I mean, hey, as a kid, sometimes it's always fun to hear stories

about what your parents were like when they were younger. But, you know, people change. Every relationship is different. You were both, even he was young then. I mean, especially when you're younger, your maturity and the maturing that happens each year of your life is drastic. You know, it's not uncommon for people to be completely different people from 16 to 18, from 18 to 20. You're literally figuring yourself out.

Even in your 20s nowadays, people are maturing slower. Even in your 20s nowadays, people are maturing slower. They're taking more time to kind of figure things out and to decide, you know, what kind of life they want, who they want to be, what their interests are, what they want to do for a career. And so, I mean, so there wasn't much to your boyfriend back then. You know, there's only hints. How many girls did he date? Like, it can't be that many i mean he did work at a bakery on an island even if it was like 12 i mean i i'm not saying that's he was a horny adolescent i mean he was like you know what are you what are you trying to figure out are you like jealous that he had a past but you never got to like be with other people do you

think um like i i've sort of gone through a lot of i don't know possible um like issues in my head and that's come up and i'm like do you but i don't i don't see a solution there. Cause it's not like I, I see, like, I think the idea of kind of, I don't know, taking a hiatus on my relationship, just like banging someone like sounds appealing. It does. Are you, is that what she's saying? No, it doesn't. No, it doesn't. It doesn't.

Okay. Yeah. You could just be single. You don't. Okay. Yeah. You could just be single. You don't have to bang anyone. Yeah. There's that option. You could just be a single. You know, you could just take a break.

I'm not saying that's what you need to do, but just because, you know, you don't have to break up with someone to have sex with someone else. You could just end the relationship. Oh, no, no, no, no. Yeah. up with someone to have sex with someone else you could just end the relationship oh no no no yeah i just what she was asking about like yeah do you i don't know let me ask you this are you so when you are thinking about this and are you are you stalking other people on social media are you looking up his ex-girlfriends are you um like what is you sometimes it's almost like a weird like like kick that i have you know well we're all just like do it and i'm like why am i doing this and but then i'll do it

again she may not even remember his name you know like if this is a a girl he dated five years ago and i'm like, let's, let's say she was the same age as him. I mean, she was 20 now she's 28. And if she was, she might've been a couple of years younger.

Who knows, you know, she, she, she isn't, he's not a thought in her life. I can almost guarantee you that. I mean,

you're, I, you know, there, there's something that's going on with you that you're just trying to figure out and maybe to rochelle's point it's just like you've been dating this guy literally your whole adult life and even a little bit before that um there's there's something to be said about growing up and figuring things out on your own and you've

figured things out while having this boyfriend and i'm sure he's a great guy and and you know and i'm sure maybe he's oh you know i don't know if he's been understanding of of that you are a few years younger than him and it's not so much you're only what you're only five years younger than him but you're you met him so young so that you know it's not the same as like a 28 year old woman dating a 40 year old guy who's like you know because they're both kind of adults and you know but you've you've never your whole life your whole adult life you've been hanging out with this guy and there's something you're you're trying to figure out and maybe it's not so much trying to figure him out but trying to figure yourself out you know, you don't know.

So you don't know what you like on your own, you know, he's probably introduced you to so many things. And so like so many things that you guys do as a couple, you know, it's as a result of you guys being a couple, you know, let me ask you this in terms of your,

like how much time do you guys spend together versus you just spending with your friends um well i mean we live together now you live together now see yeah so you don't have a lot of independence how long have you lived together with them for uh since september so not too. And before you moved in together, how much were you pretty much living together, but just like not officially? Like sort of, yeah. Yeah, I mean...

I mean, I was in university, so I spent more time with my friends than I do now. And what about now, even though you live with them? Working and... Sorry? And what about now that you live with them? Are you still hanging out with friends or is it pretty much just you and him? Yeah, I hang out a lot with my family, a lot with him.

Okay. Yeah, mostly just at home. I mean, I guess, because it doesn't make too sense why what you're trying to figure out about him. So there's something else you're trying that there's something else going on with you that you're unsettled with. I don't know what that is. But yeah, the fact that you're trying to figure out who he was five years ago or longer when he was 20. I don't I don't know what that is. And it can't be these girls, you know, like, they, again, don't remember him.

They're different people. I mean, you know, you've asked him what he was like. You know, he was a kid is what he was. You know, so were you. Yeah. I mean, much, I don't, you know, so there's something else that you're unsettled about. Yeah. So there's something else that you're unsettled about.

Yeah. I mean, I can only guess here, but maybe it is that you're just, maybe you don't have your own independence. And again, I'm just saying that. Have you ever stalked a person you're dating's exes? No. No? I really haven't. Wow.

You never have? I just don't see the point. I really haven't. I'm trying to think. I mean, social media, it's different now. But I mean, Facebook and MySpace and Instagram were all there. And even now, it's like when Vanessa and I were dating, she had exes. I don't know.

You had exes. Okay. Sure. Congratulations. I hope you did. I don't know. You had exes. Okay. Yeah. I don't. Sure. Congratulations. I hope you did. You know, like I don't, I don't, I don't get the point. Yeah. You're with me now.

And that's all that really matters. Because again, like past relationships. Yeah. Certainly they, they can help mold who you're dating now. They certainly can have an impact, but every relationship's different. You know, people come from toxic relationships, people come from healthy relationships, but how you act, how you two act together is going to play a much bigger role on how he is on a day-to-day basis, et cetera, et cetera. I mean, are you happy with the relationship or,

I mean, you know what I'm saying? Like you you are so you're seemingly happy so what are you trying to figure out i mean you know if i were miserable to answer your question if you know let's say i was in love and we're fighting all the time and i feel like oh we live together and but we're just maybe then yeah but you know i would just if i were you i would block them they won't ever notice and then it just keeps you from from that tick gets you out of that habit of looking maybe you have to force yourself to stop i mean i guess but i'm much more curious as to the why yeah but i don't have an answer for other than you listen you were a you were a teenager when you met him you're a young adult now you've you don't have a lot of your own personal identity and i think maybe that's why you're my and i'm just

guessing here you're you're you're you're you're kind of what was he like what was she like you're you're curious about all these strangers you know um i think you need to focus more about yourself i think that like maybe it's i don't know because i'm like so close to him um there's sort of like a like a my curiosity is almost like vicarious like living or something i mean and that would only, that would make sense. Not that I necessarily want to have those experiences, but just like, I'm curious about them, I guess. Yeah.

I mean, listen, I, I, I, it's hard not to come across other than like condescending and whatever, but you, you just, you don't have a lot of experience and you don't know what you don't know so that makes sense why you're curious about things and there's nothing to do with him being a good guy or a bad guy or a good boyfriend or bad boyfriend and you probably are overall pretty happy but you also don't know anything else you don't know what it's like to be single you don't know what it's like to be independent you don't certainly don't know what it's like to date really anyone else and they're you're you're

probably struggling with well i'm happy he's nice but i also like i'm curious you know and that's normal you should be curious you should be and your challenge is going to be trying to uh figure that out. You know, I mean, you guys live together, so you must be talking about things like maybe engagement and marriage. And I'm not trying to discourage you away from that, but my only advice to you is, you know, there is time and make sure you don't rush into things.

And there's something to be said about figuring yourself out. Yeah, live your life. Live your life. You don't want to be married and feel like, I didn't get to do this. And I don't feel like I know who I am. And all these. And you should feel that way. And he, I would hope, and he was still pretty young when he met you.

But I would hope that he would say, hey, listen, I need you to go do these things. Because you need to figure out who you are as a person you can't just be his his girlfriend or his fiancee or wife and you're two people can be so in love and have a notebook story but you need to have your own identity and i feel like you're struggling with your identity as an individual is why you seem to be so curious about all these strangers i mean that's'm just good just guessing i like that i uh but that's the only thing i can only make sense because it's you know cute love story whatever you're young you were literally a teenager and all you've known is this guy

you know and it's uh it is a bit you know and i apologize childish what you're doing right now you know because it makes no sense and i think you know, and I apologize, childish what you're doing right now, you know, because it makes no sense. And I think you know that, right? It makes no sense. She knows that. Yeah. So you know that. And again, I'm not saying break up with the guy, but what I would encourage you to do is try to do things for yourself. I would try to get a little separation from him, not necessarily time that you spend with each other, but do things on your own. You know, invest more time with your friends. Get a hobby that's only for yourself.

You know, really challenge yourself to do that. You can still hang out with them. You guys can still be close. That's a healthy thing to do, but you haven't been able to do that. I think it's important for you to do that, especially before you move any, before you two as a couple advance any further. And that next step for you guys is seemingly like engagement or kids or whatever. I would, you know, don't be afraid. Are you afraid to be

more independent? Does that scare you? There's a thought of that was what i'm saying it sounds scary um no i mean i don't i haven't like ever i don't know i haven't ever felt like super i don't know like i don't feel any like need to like get married anytime soon or have kids anytime soon i just mean more like do anything what if he broke up with you tomorrow? What would you do? Out of nowhere. I mean, that would be like pretty rough. Yeah, that's okay.

Of course it would. It should be. He's your first love. I'm just saying like, you know, I'm not trying to scare you, but I just think you should, it happens to people and you will survive if it were. But I'm just think you should it happens to people and it you will survive if

it were i'm not and i'm not but i'm just saying you need to like yeah this guy is all you've known i mean you're 23 years old and for a quarter of you for a quarter of your life you've been with this guy and you're not even that old that's that's wild right so i just think i would want you to i don't know you but you have some things that create your own identity you know of things that you are for yourself and um yeah i don't know but because yeah i can't explain the rest but you need to stop doing it but there's no and there's some insecurities that you have i, usually the things that we do when we're jealous, things that we do out of character always stem from some sort of insecurity or jealousy, right? So you're insecure about something and I don't know what that is, but my guess is something inside of you is bothering you and this is a reaction to that.

Yeah. But you're very adorable and you're very endearing and I really appreciate you sharing because it's very relatable, you know, the jealousy. Yeah. I mean, people get jealous all the time, but it's always coming from a place of insecurity. Yeah. So are you insecure? And it doesn't sound like he's doing anything to make you insecure because that can happen. Think people can do things or there can just be something internally that we haven't tried quite figured out that are that it's making us insecure and we're projecting that into the relationship and so it sounds like more the latter but you just have to figure out what that is yeah i definitely think it comes from me not from him um yeah my guess is it's simply just

a lack of experience in life on your part and And you're so, like you said, you're living vicariously. You are 23 years old. People should be living vicariously through you. You know, like, you know. I mean, I like my life. I'm not, I'm not. Yeah, but you don't, you also have, you live, you've created a bit of a bubble. And I'm sure you are very happy. I'm happy, but you also are limited to what you know.

I've always been genuinely happy with my life. But as I've taken risks as I've gotten older, I've thought to myself, huh, I never thought I would enjoy this. This is pretty wild, you know? I went 28 years without ever putting crushed red pepper flakes on my pizza. And I thought I was fine. I thought I was totally fine. And then I did. And I was just like, so mad. I went so long without putting crushed red pepper flakes on my pizza and hot sauce on my pizza. Sometimes you just don't know. This is a real thing. Now I'm hungry. Yes yes just don't be afraid to take risk is all i'm

saying don't be afraid to try something i would challenge you to get out of your comfort zone and just try things out you may not learn to like it you know there's nothing you don't you can be happy generally happy and you can still take risks that's what what it's, you know, that's about being a young adult is to try things out. And he should support you in that, right? Even if it's as a couple, but you guys should take risks. You should work on getting out of your comfort zone. Couples, being in a relationship is great. Sometimes being in a relationship will tend us to, you know, live in our own little bubbles, get very comfortable, have our routines, and not kind of expand our own comfort zone. So if you want to be in a relationship with an early adult, that's fine. But you need to, my advice would be to challenge yourself to try to expand that

comfort zone, even if you are seemingly happy. Because as you, to your own admission, you're doing things that are kind of weird, and you can't really pinpoint why. And, you know, that's a good place to start. I mean, it makes me, like, feel embarrassed. No, no. No, no, when I do those things. Oh, yeah, you know it's not right, yeah. Yeah, you know it's not okay.

It's not a crime. It's not the end of the world. Many, many people. Yeah. Yeah. You's not a crime. It's not the end of the world. Many, many people. Yeah. Yeah. You're just, you're curious. I mean, what you're doing is you're looking and you're curious and you're, like you said,

living vicariously. Social media makes it too easy. So you are curious about something, you know? So you got to figure out what that is. And looking at strangers who you're ex-dated is like an outlet, but it's not what that is. So start fucking doing things and start getting out there and living your lives and taking risks. And whether it is an individual or with your boyfriend, I think that's what you need to start doing.

Because right now you're entertaining yourself by like just being curious because, you know, other than that, I have my happy, pretty ordinary routine life and that's fine. I'm not trying to shit on it, but clearly you are more curious about the world around you than you i think you want to admit to yourself yeah so take some risks you know yeah they don't have to be crazy things you don't have to change your life but a little every day challenge yourself to do something that makes you a little nervous a little out of character something new they can still be safe you know but take some risks yeah try that out try new things think of something you've always want to do it sounds crazy your initial thought was there's no way i can do that i can't do that that sounds nuts and then do it

yeah all right thanks so much for calling in thank you all right best of luck all right take care take care how's it going good how are you good what's your name i'm gina 31 hi gina 31 how can we help um so i originally reached out to you guys because I'm having trouble with learning how to heal and accept a breakup. I started dating one of my better guy friends nine months ago, almost 10 months ago. And it was completely unexpected. Our dates were, you know, I wouldn't even consider them dates. We went to lunch and had a good time. We went out to get wine for his birthday and everything just kind of like very naturally happened. Sure.

It was probably the easiest, most natural relationship I've ever been in. You know, for the first time I had felt like I was in love with my best friend. And I, you know, I do have a past. I'm felt like I was in love with my best friend. And, um, I, you know, I do have a past. I'm 31. I'm divorced.

I have a son. Okay. And that was all kind of aware, but never really spoken about. Um, I asked him in the beginning, I said, Hey, you know,

it's obvious to have a son, you know, should we talk about this? And, you know, he's like, I don't know if you notice this little guy, but he's mine. Because we were dating as if this other half of my life didn't exist.

And I was like, I can't really move forward unless we like sit down and talk about it. Okay. And this was maybe six or seven weeks in updating. And he's like, you know, I know you're best older i'm six years older than him and he's like i know you have a path you're six years older than him okay yes all right and he's like you know he's like i'd prove he's like i know you have more experience than me it's like i prefer just to not know about it what okay that he said this that's fine for me that's the easy way out because i don't like okay i'm not really super big on communicating either.

Like it's something that's very hard for me. Nick. Go ahead. Go ahead. I'm trying. I'm trying. No, you're doing great. You're doing great.

And then, so everything's been great. Thanksgiving rolls around. And of course, I take up a Blackiday deal and i get a new phone the store never took my old phone so i kept my old phone in my purse okay um one night it falls out into his car i didn't know he finds it and spends nine hours reading through the past two years of my life whoa everything that had happened in my marriage, the divorce, the people I had relationships with before him.

That's all. Oh my God. Oh, okay. Nine hours. Oh my God. That's truly a nightmare. Your entire life?

I don't mean to laugh. You're telling me my whole life. He, he took my story and read it. He never gave me the opportunity to tell him. Weird. And we had our big fight. We went away to Big Red for the weekend. He said he wanted to work on things. And then two weeks later of working on things, he leaves my bed at four in the morning, goes to work, comes back to my house and breaks up with me and says he can't get over what he read.

Okay. And so I'm struggling. I don't know how to accept the fact that he now has completely cut me out of his life, blocked me from everything, blocked my number. I still have his stuff. I don't know what to do

with it because I can't be in contact with him. Sure. I don't. Listen, I don't mean to be cold. I empathize. I've been there. I know how you're feeling. Rochelle knows how you're feeling. Everyone listening knows how you're feeling. It's the worst. But now it's, again, now it's some time for

tough love. There's some things that even when you're talking, I think you have some revisionist history going on here i think you're not paying attention uh to some things that you should be paying attention to for example you have a son and as you said he reminded him and he kind of wanted to just you know whatever it's just i don't want to deal with the fact that like you had a relationship and you gave birth to someone he wanted to like almost pretend that like your son showed up at a door stop and you were just kind of being this nice person and this caregiver that you know listen if you're going to date you know whether you're a man or a woman if you're going to date someone

several years younger than you that's fine right but you should be cognizant and aware of how what their maturity level is and if it is in line with you and for him to say that is a very immature thing to say and instead of saying oh well i like you that's kind of that's a concern you just decided to be like okay well let's just not talk about it you know that's not. So that's a problem. That's a problem in the relationship. And so you decided to just ignore that problem. You say he was your best friend and nothing happened. Again, the revisionist history of you guys were never probably best friends. He was a guy that you probably thought was good looking,

and he thought you were good looking. You enjoyed each other's company, and it it started slow and it started as friends. But neither of you probably were just friends. And it just kind of started that way. And now you kind of enjoy the story telling yourself like, well, it was easier. No, wow. It was really nice because we were friends. They started as friends.

Sure. But there was a attraction. Yeah, we've been friends for about three years. Three years. I don't doubt that. I'm just saying this idea like, you know, it wasn't, there was, he didn't just become attractive to you,

I'm guessing, you know, like you didn't wake up and be like, oh, I didn't realize I like you. That's my guess. I just think if you really are honest with yourself and you go back, you just kind of, and maybe you were, you know, you probably had a lot going on you know a divorce and whatever and maybe you just had other things going on but he wasn't just some asexual person to you right um and so you're a little hurt uh but also like again you're also ignoring the fact that like what he also did was incredibly

immature to go through your phone. Yeah. That, you know, and you, and again, you are, you are, and I get it. You are, you are getting defensive about what he read as opposed to being, that's not okay. What you did. It's a violation of my trust. It's a violation, you know like uh it shows again it's another sign that you

are not mature enough to be in a relationship with me um you are a single mom and there's a level of protection you need to have with your son that you know if you're going to bring a i'm not trying to tell you how to parent but yeah this guy is a he not, you can't be raising two boys, you know? Oh my God, that's good. You know, and you can't be lecturing him on like what's okay and what's not okay. And he has some growing up to do, this guy, you know? And that's fine. A lot of 24, 25-year-old men do, you know, these days. But you're, and maybe you found some comfort in that. Maybe

you found comfort in being the mature one in the relationship. I don't know why you got divorced. I don't know how, what the power dynamic of your past relationship was. Did you, like, did you feel like you had a little bit less control in that relationship? Oh, yeah. I felt like I didn't have control at all, really. Yeah, that would make sense. So now you have all the control because you're six years old and this kind of boy. Oh. You know?

And so my guess is in this new relationship, there was probably a lot of times where you were kind of explaining things to him. You know? Yeah. Oh, I knew what that was like. You know, I did this and I did that. And most of the time he's like, yeah, you're right. You know? Yeah. No, I knew what that was like. You know, I did this and I did that. And he listened. And most of the time he's like, yeah, you're right.

And you had all this power and you had all this control. And that probably felt really good. You know? It all makes sense. Like, I think also, too, like, I believe so many things that he said. Like, about seven months in, you know, he started wanting to be a, be a part of my life and my son's life. And so I told him, you know, one day a week, why don't we just start seeing, like feeling out what that dynamic is? Because also too, I felt like at that point, our relationship was kind of at a plateau because you know, this side of me, but you don't know this whole other, this whole other path.

Yeah. I just. And so then was he spending a day with your son and you or did that never happen oh no we spent time together okay yeah i mean yeah we started doing like just you know dinners and just kind of because you know um since i've been friends with him for so long like my son knows who he is but he just doesn't know him sure in that context you know i just you know i called him my special friend you need a special friend you know you need a guy in your life that a respects uh who you are and makes you feel like you have some power but also someone you don't need to also babysit and coach up you know there's a lot of single moms out there there's a lot of guys who will date single moms

but you need someone who like, you know, maybe says, you know, like someone who is mature enough to say, hey, like what makes you comfortable? How can I slowly, like I like you and I want to spend more time with you. So what is, you know, what do you want to do? And, you know, not you constantly being like, well, we can, you know, constantly giving all these different things, you know, someone who takes a little bit of control we can, you know, constantly giving all these different things. You know, someone who takes a little bit of control but like wants you to have some power too.

And there's some balance there. You've gone from one extreme to another. And I think, you know, you should probably spend more time thinking about that and less time trying to understand why this guy cut you out of his life. And I get why you are, because you're dealing with that and you feel like ghosted and it's abrupt. And now you're going through these kind of very natural breakup thoughts of, I have his stuff and I want closure

and I need to understand why. But the why is he's immature. He did an immature thing. He got way too much information, completely out of context. He has no possibility. It He got way too much information, completely out of context. He has no possibility. It all got very real for him.

He isn't ready to be a father figure to your son. And I think you need to really focus on that. That should be a very comforting realization to you, right? Like you are trying to make something work that's not there, you know? And I think, you know, especially thinking about it now, you know, it's better finding out now rather than, you know, a couple of years down the road before things got like overly serious and he was super involved in my son's life. But I also feel like, yeah, there's shit he read that, you know,

obviously he's not going to be happy with, right? Like I had physical relations before him and I went through a whole other life, yeah there's shit he read that you know obviously he's not going to be happy with right like i had physical relations before him and i went through a whole other life but like i'm struggling with the fact that he has yet to even apologize for invading my privacy at the level that he did again because he's immature i know that because he did an immature thing and he shouldn't have done that and all he is thinking about is you know his story his pain

what he read like he's just processing that so like you don't need an apology you're probably not going to get one at least not anytime soon it doesn't really also matter doesn't matter

again like you're not supposed to read these things. Like, oversharing is not necessarily a good thing. We all have, unless you're someone who's just kind of into that thing or whatever, but, like, there's one thing of recognizing your ex had a past relationship and you did some stuff, but, like, you know, just an extreme example. You know, if you dated someone who had an ex-boyfriend for two years and maybe that couple, maybe your current boyfriend, for

all the people listening, had a girlfriend and they dated and they made a sex tape, right? Couples do that sometimes. Yeah. Do you want to watch that sex tape? No. But you know they had sex. You know, you're not supposed to fucking see that shit. Like you're not.

And so he's reading these texts, which like quite honestly might be as graphic and descriptive as as kind of seeing a sex tape you're he's living he was yeah he was living this relationship completely out of context not knowing what mood either of you were in or whatever and then when you're reading texts regardless you are you're putting your own emotions in it and your own thoughts and feelings and it's only gets escalated as he reads i mean it's nuts but you know uh what he how he read it so there's no going back from that and there's no going back and again you don't need you don't need the closure you think you do i think you really need to focus on you what you got is a lot of you you're acting like you have no answers. You've got a ton of answers. Yes. You know?

You just don't want to pay attention to things that are really important right now. You know, on a macro level. Yeah, no, I get it. Of course. Your trust was violated, and I understand that, and that sucks. But what you got is answers, and you need to focus on the positive, not the negative. And moving forward, if you're dating someone and they have no interest in getting to know you on a deeper level, maybe you realize then that you can't, you know, get there. Don't you think, Nick?

Yeah. I mean, you've got to pay attention. And then maybe that was just like the first red flag that I missed was the fact that he didn't want to talk about it. Yeah, definitely. And that's okay. That's okay. I mean, listen, you gotta, again, I don't know what it's like to get divorced and do that with someone I'm a parent with.

I'm sure that's really hard. I'm sure there's a lot of people listening who can relate. And it makes sense. Good for you for dating a younger guy and having some fun. But that doesn't mean he is your future and he doesn't mean he's going to be a stepfather to your son. And I'm sure there are a lot of moments that felt really good and he probably compensated for things you didn't have in your past relationship. But that doesn't mean you can't find it with someone else. Someone else. I think the lesson here is you need to start paying attention to those things. You need to start focusing on what you want and you need to stop ignoring the red flag, so to speak.

If you need to like have that things, okay, as a single mother who wants to find love and be in a relationship, but someone who like accepts the life I have, I need to have certain non-negotiables. You know, I need to meet a guy who like, you know, okay, I'm a single mom. And then at an appropriate time makes me feel comfortable with the fact that I'm a single mom. Stop trying to make him feel comfortable with the fact that you have a son.

Yeah. And I think that's like so much of what I'm still learning because like my divorce came from, I've only been with the person i was married to i started you know he's my high school sweetheart we started dating when i was 14 14 i was 29 like this is like my first boyfriend so you just got to figure things out you're young you're beautiful give yourself gorgeous you know you have and you know i'm sure you maybe maybe you want more kids but like the pressure of like you know your your clock ticking that some women feel as they hit 30 or whatever. Like, the good news is you have a son.

And if you want more kids, you know, you can certainly have them. But now, like, at least you have your loving son. Focus on him and spend time with him. It will come. You've got to – right now you seem to be putting a lot of pressure on making up for lost time and that's not gonna that's only gonna create uh situations for yourself where you're gonna make more mistakes and you're gonna get yourself in situations i think you really need to take a step back and take a breath yeah um really like you know getting off dating apps for a while i think you really need to take a moment

to heal and i don't mean i don't mean for the boy that's not me i'm not into that yeah whatever i'm just i think you need to take a moment to heal from your divorce not this other guy i think you're probably still dealing with a lot and it takes some time just to slow your roll and just take it easy on yourself and and get get good at paying attention to what people are saying. Don't ignore things. If you admit that you're not good at communicating, that should be a focus of yours to get better at. And if you are in a relationship like your marriage where you feel like you're not being heard or you don't have power, get good at saying, no, I'm not okay with that. And then if you're in a relationship where you have too much power you know recognize that like

this is there's this it's not even so the world is your oyster girl and this guy he ain't it he ain't it this is a you got a lot of there's a lot of positives we gain from what happened even though it hurts you got a lot of answers like you said that you would

eventually figure it out but much later after he got to know your son and the breakup would have been that much harder. He just, you were dating a very immature guy. And part of which is just because he's younger. You know, he's not there. And he wasn't ready for it. And in a weird way, I'm glad he picked up the phone because he got you some answers that you were prepared to ignore.

Prepared to ignore, yes. But also a part of me feels like, if you're so curious, just ask me and I will tell you. Again, you're trying to understand someone who's immature. You're saying, why don't you do

a mature thing? Answer is, who's he's mature immature so yeah you you're saying why don't you do a mature thing answer is yeah because i'm not mature his brain's still developing 24 yeah it's all mush up there right now you have the choice to accept that reality or continue to do what you're doing and what you're doing is literally asking in different ways to yourself why don't you do the mature thing why don't you do the mature thing? Why don't you do the mature thing? Because you're thinking of all these mature things he could have, should have done. And the answer to all these questions is, I wasn't mature. So stop, you know, and then the answer to that question is, well, then he wasn't the person I hoped he was and that I thought he was, or I thought he could be. And you've got to accept that. And then you have to

move on and don't feel bad or don't feel foolish and don't feel it just accept it and forgive yourself and move on yeah yeah i'm like he like he's like is almost making me feel guilty for the life i had before him just based on the things he said i didn't do anything another immature act you know so again stop you're gonna ask all your why don't you do this why don't you do that you know you got to accept that now it's, it's on you to accept that reality. Let it go. Let it go. Let it go.

You really do. So you're ruminating right now. Stop doing that. When you have these thoughts, you've got to stop. Stop. That's the answer. The answer to all these questions is he was just too immature. And you've got to just let it go. Throw his stuff out. Yeah, immature and and you gotta just let it go throw his stuff yeah throw stuff out just let it go he doesn't want it you know yeah i mean i can't

really throw it out yeah you can yeah you can uh it's some stuff that his grandmother gave him that you know is dying and i just can't there's always something there. If he really wants it back, he'll kind of wear it. Yeah, you can throw it out. Ken, he doesn't want it. He left. He blocked you. I'm sorry, but you can throw it out.

You can throw it out. Yeah. You should cut him out. Stop making excuses. Don't. All right. You can do it. Thank you so much for calling.

Grandma's dying anyways, you know so much for calling grandma's dying anyways grandma's dying anyways oh god I'm just saying you know I'm sorry for grandma you can throw it out throw it out or like you know here he lives put it in a box and ship it to him

like you're you're hanging on to it because you want to and you're hoping he finds a way back in that's on you at this point all right yeah all right i'll do that oh yeah i'll do that today all right do it today do it right now i'll do it today lots of love too you're gonna be fine you're gonna be fine all right thank you i appreciate it all right take care bye all. You know what I was thinking? Is that past the last caller would have loved to find his phone and be able to read his entire life. That would have been her dream.

Can we just line these people up? You can imagine. Oh my God. Wow. This is fun. People did this? That's insane. It happens. The guy is a young man who has i can't imagine reading someone's phone

for nine hours like that's crazy i what honestly what was more crazy to me was you know can we just i don't want to know pretend that that part of your life never i mean i know he's your son but like yeah i don't really want to know anything. The history is fine. Can we just... That's insane to me. That's insane. To me, that's the big red flag.

Yeah. I mean, it's not that shocking that a guy... And it makes sense. He didn't want to know, but you really want to know. He was afraid to ask. I guess not many people get unbridled access to someone's phone for that long usually you have like one second to look but while they're in the shower it was a rabbit hole you know my guess is he's like i should i should not and then he did and then he couldn't stop just

you know he was deep but he's just not not mature you can't you can't ignore you can't ignore the reality we've all done that i mean i know i have how's it going hi i am jean-phil and my um i'm 26 years old and i live in chicago nice well how do you pronounce your name jean-phil i thought it was genevieve jean-phil jean-ph I know. It's Genevieve. I love it. It suits you. Genevieve. She's a, yes, yes. Awesome.

Great. 26 in Chicago. Wonderful. Yep. What is your question? Oh, and for the listeners, she has amazing tattoos. They're very colorful and gorgeous. Thank you.

I guess my question is going to revolve sort of around my dating history. Last year, around May, my partner of four years woke me up on my birthday and told me he was leaving me for somebody else. And then four months later, they were engaged. And so it's been like sort of a rough year but you know i feel like i've handled it with grace and moving forward at some point i want to get back into dating and know that i'm ready but i don't know how no i'm ready and i don't know how to get break down those walls okay is there any more any more detail you want to provide us he woke you up like in the middle of the night i mean in the morning right he woke you up in

the morning on your birthday yeah on your birthday yep so he's just a dick so i mean my here's my guess is you my guess is you have a lot of questions about what was going on. Did you ask these questions? Was he cheating on you? Have you thought about all this? Have you questioned? Have you had an opportunity to ask him? Yeah. I've spent the last year kind of just processing it.

But at the end of the day, I'm ready to move past it. Great. the day I'm ready to like move past it, I am sort of grateful that it happened because, you know, I learned a lot about myself, like moving forward from everything and like how I handled it. And yeah, I don't know. I think that I want to move on. I just don't know how to get past all the walls that I built up. Well, like such as what, what walls do you feel like you have up? I think like there's, like, such as? What walls do you feel like you have up? I think, like,

there's been people, you know, I've tried dating here and there, and, you know, people have shown their interest in me, but I haven't really been able to find,

like, maybe I'm just not meeting the right people, but I'm not really finding a connection. I feel like I'm sort of a robot in that I just, like, go and hang out with people, but I just am not very interested. Okay, that's fine. I mean like I'm sort of a robot in that I just like go and I hang out with people, but I just am not very interested. Okay. That's fine. I mean, how long ago did this

happen? About seven months ago. Okay. So it hasn't been that long, right? You're probably not even, you've accepted it. You've, like you said, you've learned from from it but you're probably not totally healed from that that'd be normal to not be um you know some ego it hurts that he did what he did on your birthday now he's engaged which it hurts but quite honestly i wouldn't worry about that that happened to me you know um yeah i was engaged and then there were rumors that she was cheating and then we broke up she never owned it but then she got engaged the guy she was rumored to be cheating on me with six months later she never copped up to she never copped up to cheating and then they got married and now they're divorced and they're divorced did she ever apologize to you

that doesn't bother you i mean i i didn't wow at the time at the time it bugged me but again that's a this was a person who wasn't really going to admit these things my point is as much as it sucks you know you'll probably spend time thinking about that that that's a that's kind of on them and that will flush itself out but uh i mean the answer is it's just early i mean you that i think sometimes that's a mistake that people make who go from very committed long-term relationships and you have that comfort and that routine. And even though it didn't work out, you kind of almost have some – it's a combination of unrealistic expectations of meeting someone new combined with just wanting to meet someone new because you you miss the routine of being in a relationship um in reality uh dating is hard you're not gonna most people you're gonna go on dates with you're you're not

nor should you have the connection that you want i mean if if you're a kind of a helpless romantic, and I don't know if you are, but if you know any type of person who is a romantic or wants to find love, they don't want to believe that, like, they can kind of love everyone, you know, that their standards are so low that it'd be like, yeah, whatever, as long as you like me back. And so you, it's going to take some time. and you'll go out with guys that you are attracted to and and most of them they're just it might be sometimes they might be just kind of a total asshole sometimes they might be awkward and weird sometimes these might be seemingly really nice great guys that you are physically attracted to and you're just like i don't know what it is

but i don't really feel anything there There's no chemistry or no spark. And then you'll meet guys that you get really excited about who don't like you back. You know what I'm saying? These are all potential dating possibilities. And this is what everyone goes through when they're out there dating. And that's the frustration that all people have. Every single person. These are very common. And so my biggest advice to you is to just

accept that it's going to take some time and be patient. You're 26 years old, super young, you know, there's really no immediate rush. What you don't want to do is be so anxious to find someone that you end up in directly settling for someone that you're ending up breaking up with three months, three years later, because they're not that great, but you kind of just wanted to be in a relationship. So. I kind of feel grateful when I don't feel that like immediate need to be with someone. I'm like, okay, cool. I can just like relax for a little bit and like focus on something else. That's the benefit we have, you and I, from like getting comfortable with being single.

And we're probably even, we're probably the opposite. Too, that's the benefit we have, you and I, from like getting comfortable with being single. And we're probably the opposite. Yeah, too far on the other side. People are like, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh. And on your end, I've been there before too where it's just like you're used to being in a relationship. And so this single thing is like,

ugh, fine, I'll be single. And seven months later, it feels to you, I'm guessing, like it's been a long time and you've probably been on a handful of dates. And I'm sure when you say allow, you will agree with me. But in the moment, you're just like, oh, why isn't none of this working? And you've been on what, four or five, six dates? It's not a ton. And in the first couple of dates, I'm guessing that was just kind of warming up. That was just kind of part of the healing process, you know?

Right, yeah. You know? I mean, I've spent some time in the dating pool, and I've had people who are genuinely interested, but I'm just more like, I don't know if I'm... Yeah. I don't know when I'm going to get beyond those walls. Like, at some point, hopefully, but... get beyond that those walls like at some point hopefully but i mean as far as the walls that you think that you may or may have up like you know they're you know spend some time you know not necessarily going back to to the relationship but thinking about how you feel how it makes you feel

just kind of be honest with yourself i mean i don't know if this is the case but do you feel embarrassment for some reason that he know if this is the case but do you feel embarrassment for some reason that he broke up with you on your birthday do you feel embarrassment that he's now engaged i know i did in those you know there's nothing you should feel embarrassed about embarrassed sure i mean like you feel embarrassed like you if you have an ego like you love someone you were engaged and now six months later they're engaged with someone else it's a normal feeling that that you shouldn't feel embarrassed but it's a normal feeling for your ego to feel like what did you feel embarrassed about because like you weren't someone else was seemingly good enough and you weren't good enough and like that's a normal feeling that people have

when they get broken up with even though that and again i look and now i look back and that was a i don't want to say talk it wasn't a healthy relationship and and and we weren't right for each other and we it was an immature relationship because we liked the idea of each other more than we loved each other but at the time in the moment all i felt all my ego was like what a loser you know like uh he he was better than you you know i, that's what everyone feels when they get broken up with. And so, you know, think about those things

and kind of process that, you know, because, you know, these are walls that you have up that you're saying you have up and figuring out what those are so that you aren't projecting it in the future relationship, but it's totally normal that you have them. Right. And it's kind of just admit to yourself, you know, I feel this way.

And then it kind of process it. I mean, I don't know what, when you, again, when you look at these walls, what are the some feelings that you have? I think I just, yeah, I don't, I don't know. I don't know if I'm interested in these people the same way that they're interested in me. And maybe that's why I just don't feel like sharing. I'm, I'm more of an introvert anyway.

So I think that I generally sit back and like observe everything. But then when I don't feel like any type of chemistry to jump in and like be a part of this whole dating process that I'm having with this other person, then I feel like I'm just putting up, like I just have these walls that I'm uninterested in. And I am kind of. That's fine. I mean, you don't, that's, I think it sounds like you're just, sounds like you have some heightened expectations about dating that are a little unrealistic. Dating is hard, you know, finding someone is hard you know finding someone

is hard and you're I'm guessing you're going to want to find something better for yourself than you had you know and so you should be this is a good thing that you're not like falling in love with every guy that you want to date with it's a good thing that you're at some point though I'd like to at some point

sure it's only been seven months and you only just started dating. And there's, you know, I mean, you realistically might have to go out with 30, 40 guys before you meet someone that you're like, wow, who sweeps you off your feet kind of thing. You know? Right. You know, walk into a bar and there's a bunch of guys here, you know, 40 guys here. It's like, no, not my guy. They're not here.

You know, it's a, that's totally normal. And I think you're just, you're getting a little impatient and I get it. You know, you've been, you were in a relationship for four years and like, I'm curious when you look back on the relationship, maybe you were surprised when you broke up with him on his birthday, but when you look back on the relationship maybe you were surprised when you broke up with him on his birthday but when you look back i wasn't totally surprised it was more just yeah i mean it was embarrassing because he took to social media immediately about this new girl that he was with and they went on a trip to mexico while i packed up our shared home to move out you know so it was embarrassing and and i didn't i didn't really ever

address it with any of our mutual friends because at that point i was just like i'm just gonna walk away and like yeah and wow good you know show like self-respect and grace and could not have done that in the whole graceless situation yeah i think grace is overrated in that situation but i think you should, I mean, listen, I think you, it's, you know, you did what you had to do, but I don't, don't be afraid to have at least some people in your life to talk to and say, I felt bad. I felt embarrassed. And just, I think you need to get it out a little bit. I know I did when that happened to me, but, um, and then on top of that, I think you just kind of just take some time you know there's really no

rush I think there's it's still pretty raw seven months is not a long time to deal with something like that and like you said you know my guess when you look back there are probably some problems in the relationship that you were willing to accept and ignore and now it's an opportunity to look back and think okay well actually I didn't like this I didn't that. These are things that in my next relationship, I want to make sure are better and improved upon. Again, which is only going to make finding the next person a little bit harder because you're going to be a little, hopefully a little bit more selective and a little bit more specific about what you... It's selective. Yeah. But also don't be afraid to like dive in and try it out with, you know, if you feel a little bit of an interest in someone, don't be afraid to go on a second and try it out with you know if you feel a little bit of a

interest in someone don't be afraid to go on a second or third date you're not gonna you're not gonna learn about anyone in one date you know right yeah so you're a third three or four dates doesn't mean that you have to move in with them or that you have to marry them. Just get to know people and just stop putting so much pressure on it. Quite honestly, it seems like you're doing everything right. It's a slow process of going out there and taking some shots

and taking some chances and then when it doesn't go the way you hoped, just, you know, it's like, okay, next, you know, keep going. Good for you, girl. You're handling this way better than I ever could. That's impressive. Yeah.

And you know what? And the last thing as far as the greatest thing, don't be afraid, again, to maybe, it sounds like almost you seem really chill. Were you ever mad? And by mad, I mean, like, did you ever, like, just, just did you say it or scream? Like, I feel like you just internalize a lot, and you're just like, you know, I'm really mad, but okay. I didn't really want to get mad.

I mean, I just wanted to move on, and I think, yeah, maybe I internalized it to process it, but nope, never really got mad. I just kind of was like, I'm moving on. Yeah. Maybe get mad. Maybe get mad. I think you, I think you, I think you skipped some steps. In the grieving process. Yeah. That's true.

It's okay to be mad. You don't have to be grace, gracious or graceful in this situation. Like be a little sloppy, that's gonna be fine be a little sloppy be a little pissed be a little mad um yeah you know if especially if you have mutual friends you know go out to have some drinks and out of nowhere at a bar be like guys you know what that shit was fucked up like i'm a little pissed you know what the fuck did it did any yeah it seemed bizarre that he was fucking taking trips and posts on social what the fuck and just lose your shit for like five minutes you know just get it out yeah yeah they'll be like whoa whoa where did this come from look at him fucking pissed yeah i think you

need to like let it out a little bit you know yeah on your birthday come on don't be afraid to just let it let it let it out a little bit you You're a little too polished over there. Let those tattoos come out, whatever artist. The wildness. The wildness, yeah. Show that other side. Other than that, I think you're doing just fine, and it seems like you're going about it over on the right way,

and you just need just a little bit more realistic expectations of how long this might take. And that could be a year or two or whatever. You don't necessarily want to find the next guy in a couple months. Yeah, that's fair. All right. Get mad. Thank you so much. grieve a little bit hear me fine thank you yeah that was that was fucked up that he did that for you it's totally fucked up not okay yeah yeah and he was you know he didn't care about your feelings on social media and i'm

i'm assuming you felt that way i'm giving him the middle finger for you. Fuck him. Thank you. If you feel the need, even though like to let them know that like it's not about him, but you need to yell at somebody. Go yell at somebody. Maybe I do. Yeah, maybe I need to go shoot some paintballs.

Yeah, you know that bachelor date where they were breaking things? You could do that. Go get mad. Yeah, okay. Yeah. all right well best of luck thank you all right take care bye bye not often you have to tell someone to get mad usually you're telling people you know you need to get a hold of your anger yeah i don't know. Everyone's different. But yeah, I was just like, yeah, you know, yeah, I was really fun. I was bad. I was hurt.

That shit was fucked up. I just want to move on. I just want to, you know, be okay. It's going to be okay. God. Everyone processes it differently. We do appreciate people calling in and speaking their truth. Yeah, and owning up to embarrassing stuff.

Yeah, we all do it. I mean, I've probably said this before, but that relationship was the best thing that ever happened to me. I never realized all the details of it. I really grew up a lot, and a lot of it had to do with my ego and how I process things.

And when you get cheated on, again, you feel embarrassment and people are just like oh what happened with you guys you know it just didn't work out you know it was mutual it was mutual you know relationships are hard you know yeah and you don't want to be like she was fucking another guy but the truth like sometimes it's good to get it out and say it right sometimes be like yeah wasn't that fucked up like what you feel a little bit more free just to admit that vulnerability that you were hurt or that you felt embarrassment that you were mad because at the end of the day it's like that's on him you know he's got his shit to deal with and what for whatever reason

he decided to do it under her birthday and then go on and do those things. That's him, not her. So yeah, get it out. Get it out. Well everyone, thanks for listening. As always, we appreciate you doing that and for the people who are sending in your questions and calling in, we certainly obviously appreciate doing that. Always need more questions.

Ask Nick at Cast Media, castwithak.com. Haven't heard from you 10 percenters in a minute. Yeah, come on 10 percenters. I feel like we have this obviously strong female audience. Yeah, get your guys to listen. I mean, give them a heads up. Obviously, we've said this before. We certainly always appreciate your posts and your recognition you guys give us on social media.

So, so keep that up. And like we said, obviously we have some fun merch out there. Don't forget to check us out at vile files.com. What else? Anything else for Sean? Anything you need to tell her?

We've got some fun interviews on the books. We've got some great new episodes coming up. So we will see you tomorrow. When's this episode coming out? Do we even know yet? Monday. This is Monday? Yeah. Great. Well, check us out tomorrow. Betsy Sedaro. Betsy Sedaro.

She's a hilarious comedian. An up-and-comer in the Hollywood biz. She's going to be huge. A friend. I've known her for a few years now. Huge Basher fan. So you are going to love. You're going to love it. This recap.

So check us out tomorrow. And then again on Wednesday. Yeah. For the women on top, ladies. Yes. We, you know, you're welcome. We're giving you all this great content. Someone sent a GIF of, you know, the girl getting hit with all the hot dogs.

She's like, that's how it feels lately. So many episodes. Is that a good thing? I hope so. She said it's a good thing. Someone likes a lot of hot dogs in their face. I know I like hot dogs. I like hot dogs.

And you ever have too many? No. And on that note, we'll see you tomorrow.