The Viall Files - E813 Ask Nick - Cheated on While Pregnant

Episode Date: September 23, 2024

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! We start off the episode with another reading of Nick’s Grandparent’s physical love letters. Then we get to our callers…  Our first caller was cheated on while carrying their child, and her husband is blaming her weight gain. Our second caller’s friend told her things about the man she’s talking to, but is afraid to confront him. And, our third caller is dating in her 30’s but still fears rejection. “He seems to be honest about everything else, unless he’s not” Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice, send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Altoids - Find Altoids In The Check-Out Aisle! Grab Your Tin Today!  Article - Article is offering our listeners $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more. To claim, visit https://www.Article.com/viall and the discount will be automatically applied at checkout. Ibotta - Right now, Ibotta is offering our listeners $5 just for trying Ibotta by using the code VIALL when you register. Just go to the App Store or Google Play store and download the FREE Ibotta app to start earning cash back!  Vuori - Vuori is an investment in your happiness. For our listeners, they are offering 20% off your FIRST purchase. Get yourself some of the most comfortable and versatile clothing on the planet at https://www.vuori.com/VIALL  Skims- Shop the SKIMS Soft Lounge Collection at https://www.SKIMS.com. Now available in sizes XXS - 4X. Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @Loganury @justinkaphillips @dereklanerussell @kymccarthy23 @allisonklemes

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$50 off your first purchase of $100 or more article.com slash B I a L L. What's going on everybody? Welcome back to another electric episode of the Volf House Ask Nick edition. I'm your host, Nick, joined by my lovely wife, Natalie Joy. We are still at the lake. I'm still wearing the same clothes as is Natalie. Here's the thing at the lake, you just, you don't need to change. You don't need to change.

You don't need to shower. You don't need to put on deodorant. You don't need to brush your teeth. You don't need to put on makeup. You don't need to take care of yourself at all. You don't need to do- Well, no. You take care of yourself.

Just you worry less about the materialistic items of life. You disconnect. Oh, we're on the different pages then. Oh my God. Sorry, I thought we were like united not taking care of ourselves. We're not taking care of ourselves. I just thought that's what happened at the lake.

I haven't been, you have been? Oh my God. Oh my God. I mean a little. I took a dip in the lake and swam. That's taking care of myself. I paddle boarded. Okay, I'll work on it.

Okay, I wasn't trying to come at you. No. Last week we read my grandparents' love letters to one another, starting with my grandfather Roli's letter to Teresa, and we are here to read you Teresa's response. Before we get to Teresa's response, I wanted to share a story with my audience.

I'm curious what you think about this. Is it about me? It's about us. Oh. Nali, I don't know when we're launching this merch. Maybe we will launch it by now. It's a long time coming, butellie, I don't know when we're launching this merch. Maybe we'll launch it by now. It's a long time coming, but Nellie has some merch. Nellie was familiar with this phrase.

I often say, do you wanna be right or do you wanna be happy? And the other week, I had to remind myself, there was a moment where I had to be like, I had to take my own advice, and I had to be like, Nick, do you wanna be right or do you wanna be happy? Now, I wanna emphasize this story, babe. Not that I was right, but that I felt right.

Because you may have felt right as well. Are we like exposing an argument we had or something? Halloween, decorations. Oh, yeah. So we are now up at the lake. It is early September. We are in LA at this time, and we are experiencing a bit of a heat wave. It is early September. We are doing LA at this time. We are experiencing a bit of a heat wave.

It is early September. We are doing a lot of in and out traveling. We won't be sitting around home all that much in this period of time. But for whatever reason, Natalie said, let's get the Halloween decorations out of storage. And I don't know why I felt like I needed to be, to make my wife smile this moment,

but I did agree to say, well, let's do it this weekend. I did say that. I actually said that. I don't know why I said that. I did though. That's what you say with everyone. I'm like, oh, let's do this. You're like, let's do it on the weekend.

No, but this felt like more of a, let's do it. I feel like most of the time I say, let's do it later, maybe the weekend, but I definitely, I will acknowledge a very clear and, let's do it this weekend. It was like you were happy to do it this weekend. I really put on a happy face. Well, the weekend rolled around

and I certainly didn't remember to remind Natalie that I promised to do this and saying, let's go into the storage and get the Halloween dust. You didn't need to. I didn't, well, on Saturday I didn't, but on Sunday, Natalieellie reminded me. Now Sunday was the kickoff of NFL Sunday. I just wanna put that out there.

I also wanna put it out there that Nellie is and has and often is incredibly supportive of my love for the NFL and very much allows me to watch a lot of football, a lot. She's very generous with the amount of time of football that she does allow me to watch a lot of football, a lot. She's very generous with the amount of time of football that she does allow me to watch. Because it was Thursday night, Friday night, Saturday. Oh, Sunday, fourth day. Saturday, there was, Saturday was off.

Was it? Saturday, it didn't feel like it was off because the whole day I was refreshing Twitter to see if Jordan Love was out for the season. Right, right, right, yes. So that fair and much felt. Right, right, right. Yes. So that fair much fell. Okay, okay.

Anyways, it's like two in the afternoon and Natalie does remember that I agreed to do this to which I was like, really? You really wanna do this? It was like 105 degrees out. We're gonna not be around most of the month. And I'm hitting Natalie with some logic. I'm like, do you really wanna do this?

It makes no sense. But now it reminded me that I promised. most of the month and I'm hitting Natalie with some logic. I'm like, do you really wanna do this? It makes no sense. But now it reminded me that I promised. And it felt like, and this is where I felt like I was right, it felt like you understood my logic and it's like you agreed that practically speaking it didn't make sense, but I promised and therefore I couldn't back out.

Natalie. Yeah. Natalie. Yeah, absolutely. You need to hold on to your word. Your word is your bond. And so when you make a promise, you have to hold on to that. And so Natalie gave me the fine, fine. We don't have to go. I don't want to go. Fuck Halloween, fuck Thanksgiving, fuck fall.

So Natalie definitely bowed out. She, and I was like. The last thing on earth I wanna do is go get the decorations. And then I thought to myself, what am I doing? Like this is. You had that thought. It's not about being right.

I really like this is, this won't take more than an hour. We're actually in between games. And I was like, I know Nellie knows that this is not practical, but I promise, I need to own my promise. So I went and start the car, turn on the AC, and insisted, I had to insist. Yeah, because I had put my foot down and I was like, I don't want to do this anymore.

You know when you like, you want to do something so bad and then your partner is like, I don't wanna do this anymore. I had to beg her to go. You know when you wanna do something so bad and then your partner is like, or like a sister or like literally any relationship in your life, they're like, yeah, no, I don't wanna, like I have no interest in doing that, like absolutely not. And you're like, come on, but it would be, and you have to like try to convince them and then you finally go together and like the energy's off

and you're like, oh, wish I would've just gone by myself. It's like when I go to Target, you know? Like I really, like I want to spend more time with you. I'm like, let's go to Target together. And you're like, oh, wish I would have just gone by myself. It's like when I go to Target, you know, like I really like, I like want, I wanna spend more time with you. I'm like, let's go to Target together. And you're like, no, I've said enough. Well, that was another thing. Natalie likes to do things as a fam.

Sue me. No, no. But I just knew it was more about like that. And so I was like, wanting to be right and not wanting to be happy. And that different version of me would have been like, no, this is ridiculous. This makes no sense to do this. Why are we doing this right now?

And I would have stuck to my guns of being right and being like, there's makes no practical sense for us to do this in this moment. And it wasn't about being right. It was about being happy. In a very different path if that would have been the choices you decided to make. And I chose to be happy. Thank God you did. And then we opened up the box and I chose to be happy. Thank God you did. Yeah, yeah. And then we opened up the box and I had six pumpkins. We went there and there was nothing fucking there.

And it was funny, because both of us were right and both of us were wrong in that moment. I was wrong in the sense that like, there was literally one thing to do and it literally took us 15 minutes to go and do it and I could have just shut the fuck up and done it. And the box is labeled Halloween. Nick could have just like done it himself.

Yeah, it was a nothing fucking burger. Natalie was wrong because it was like, really you can fucking dump this on your way home at any fucking moment. We needed to like make this a whole thing. I thought we had more, I could have sworn we had more than that. But neither of us said fucking shit to each other about being wrong or right.

But then we got home and I was like, I think I might go to Home Goods and see if they have any fall decor. And Nick was like, great, yeah, go, you should go. That'd be awesome. Anyway, I love you. All right, I know I mentioned that we are going to read my grandmother's letter to my grandpa. Last week we read my grandpa's first letter he ever wrote to my grandmother when they first started dating. We have so many more letters. In 1946, we're going to read Naly and I my grandmother's letter that she responded to my grandfather in just a bit. But before we do, we have a very special guest. Logan Urie returned to the show if you don't know who logan yuri is she is someone who is another dating guru out there.

I've actually learned a lot from logan she you know when i talk about not pet peeves and non negotiables i got this from logan yuri she's a really she's one kind of art articulated that way so she has some great insight. She works for Hinge and exciting news Hinge has a really cool new feature I really think will help you be more successful with online dating. So let's get to Logan and hear a little bit about it. We are excited for our next guest. She has been on the show before a while back. I actually talked about her in my book because I learned a little bit more. She really brought me on to the whole pet peeves and non-negotiables. Welcome back, Logan, Yeri, to talk about a new and exciting feature on Hinge. Yay, thanks for having me.

I mean, I won't take credit for you being married now that we're talking again, but I won't not take credit. Sure, I mean, yeah. Yeah, okay, so Hinge is releasing a new feature called Your Turn Limits, and what we found is that when daters are talking to more than eight people at the same time, it can be really hard to turn that into a date.

And so with this new limit, once you've reached eight conversations, you either have to respond to one of them or close out one of them before you can get a new match. So it's really about helping people focus on the matches right in front of them. Yeah, I love to hear that, Logan. I always talk a lot to my audience about dating apps.

Obviously, I've always been a huge advocate of them. But like Hinge seems to have discovered, you really have to limit your options, because sometimes an abundance of choice can really feel discouraging. It almost is analysis by paralysis. There's always this perception of abundance. I think sometimes it's great if we can self-place

but it's great to have an app who is assisting us to make sure that we don't get overwhelmed by the number of matches and really help, you know, be intentional with our dating. It seems like that's the goal with this new great feature from Hinge. Yeah, you nailed it. That's exactly what we're going for. We really want to help people be intentional and we want people to spend as little time on the app as possible and actually get onto a date. And so when we interviewed our users, we found that for 44% of them, the biggest thing causing burnout, the biggest thing causing stress is a lack of responsiveness, just not hearing back from the person that you've matched with. And so this is

our ambitious new feature that should help you with communication, should help you focus, and should really leave fewer people in limbo. That's amazing. Does Hinge have any stats on the increased success of daters when they limit their number of matches or anything like that?

Yeah, we actually saw some really great stuff in our tests. So kind of similar to you, I've always been thinking about how people should limit the matches. And in my dating coaching, I say, you should only talk to a few people at the same time. But now we've actually seen the results that when hinge forces people to do that, it has really good results. And so for example, we saw a 20% increase in responsiveness. So that's a huge factor in reducing burnout. And almost half of users said that it helped them focus on quality over quantity,

which is exactly the point of what we're doing. That's great. What is in your experience, what's the best number of matches you should have going at any one time? It's interesting. So at Hinge, right now we have eight as the limit for your turn limits, but we did do some research with users and a majority said that it's ideal to have five or fewer conversations at the same time. So I'd say somewhere between five to eight is really the sweet spot. But for some daters, it's probably one at a time. It's just let me look at who's in front of me, see if I'm interested.

If so, let's go on a date. If not, let's end it and move on. And so I think that this era of lots of matches and juggling a lot of different conversations at the same time is over. And now we're really in the your turn limits era. Now, is this a feature you can turn on and off and adjust for your preferences or is it a one size fits all?

This is a feature that we're launching to all hinge users because it's really one of those things where the more people use it, the more it benefits everyone because it benefits the people with a lot of matches because it helps them focus, it helps them get clarity, it helps them go on more dates, and it helps the people who weren't receiving as many messages, because now they're not waiting in limbo. They either know you're interested and you responded,

or you're not interested and you closed out of the message. That's really great. It's nice to see Hinge really kind of help daters out, because again, it's, you know, sometimes as I always talk about like tools are only as good as how you use them appropriately and I think sometimes as great as dating apps can be, I think you had a lot of people going on using these great tools kind of in a very unproductive way. So it's really exciting to see Hinge kind of identify problems that people are having even on their app

and help those daters be more successful in their pursuit of love. Yeah, that's exactly how I feel. We're constantly doing research to see how we could be more helpful. We identified this big problem of burnout from a lack of responsiveness and this is really there to tackle it.

And it reminds me of the story that happened to me a few months ago where I was at a party and this girl learned that I work at Hinge and she held up her phone and she was like, where's my husband? Where's my husband? Where is he? And I was like, okay, okay, let's open your phone. Let's open Hinge. And I went through and she had so many matches that she hadn't responded to. And I was like, maybe he's in here. Maybe your husband is hiding in plain sight, but you just keep getting more and more matches instead of actually communicating with people that you're matching with in the first place.

And so I really think that this is gonna help nudge people in the right direction of focusing on what's in front of them, making a decision and then moving on. Absolutely. What is the reluctance in terms of why are so many people willing to match, but unwilling to kind of make that first move

or initiate the conversation? And in addition to that that do you have any kind of good intros or you know first messages or just kind of just ideas of how someone can initiate that conversation because I assume for some people it's just plain old-fashioned fear of making the first move. Yes so why do people match with people and then not want to communicate with them? Well, what we found in our research is that when people have used your turn limits,

about half of them say that it makes them more thoughtful about who they match with in the first place. So what that suggests is that when people know there's going to be a limit, they're more thoughtful and intentional from the beginning about who they match with. And so that's something that we're really excited about. And then in terms of opening lines, I always think that the best opening lines are really leaning into something from somebody's profile, but there is a caveat there. If somebody has a picture of themselves skiing and it says,

guess where I took this? Probably a million people are gonna say to them, Lake Tahoe or wherever it is. So that's very basic. Why don't you respond with the third thing that comes to your mind? That will help you be funnier, more original, and it's less likely that they've heard that before. And so another trick there is that you can scroll down on the profile and respond to something at the bottom,

because a lot of people respond to things at the top of a profile. And so if it's at the bottom because a lot of people respond to things at the top of a profile. And so if it's at the bottom, it's more likely to be original and something that somebody hasn't heard before. So the best opening lines are specific, funny, and lead to a conversation by asking a question. That's awesome.

I know another question I always get all the time on the apps is, how do you stand out? And now with people using this great new feature, I imagine more of the people on the apps is, you know, how do you stand out? And now with people using this great new feature, I imagine more of the people on the app will be more intentional, be more selective, highlighting the importance of standing out even more. When it comes to your bio, pictures you choose, can you just remind us of some of those best practices?

Yes, let me give you the top tips. So pictures matter a lot. I wish I could say that photos and prompts matter the same, but really people are looking at your photos first and then if they're interested, they're going to read the prompts. So let's talk about photos. The first photo should be a clear headshot of you. No sunglasses, no filters, just we're here to see what you look like. Show us what you look like. Then in your photos, you should have an example of you doing something you love like running or cooking, playing Scrabble, whatever that is.

You should have a full body shot. And you should have a picture of you with friends and family that helps us see that you have an active social life, that you have friends and family. And then for the prompts, you really want to stand out by making sure that your answers are not cliches. So some of the biggest cliches are things like, I'm overly competitive about everything. Okay, well, that's lame.

We've heard that a million times before. Recently, we've been hearing a lot about this, unusual skills, getting my hoodie back. So anything that's been written about on Reddit as a cliche, avoid that. But really use your prompts to show us who you are, what you want, and what dating you would look like. That's awesome.

And then as far as, is this feature easy to find in the app? How do you activate it, turn it on, and how do you get the most out of it? Yeah, it's happening automatically. And the best way to get the most out of your turn limits is to really just embrace it as an opportunity to get clarity and to focus. And if you're somebody who's struggling

with conversations, my top tips are to not be a ZQ. A ZQ is a zero question. Somebody who just responds but doesn't ask questions. That's really hard to keep the conversation going. My second tip is to respond quickly. We know that when you respond to your match within 24 hours, you are 72% more likely to actually wind up on a date with them. And the third tip is get to the date faster. People chat for weeks before asking each other out, just get on a date as quickly as possible. We found that after three days of chatting, that's really the sweet spot for being ready to move to a date.

Yeah. And credit me for a moment, because I haven't been on Hinge personally, but Hinge has a video chat feature, yes? We used to have a video chat feature. We don't have that any longer, but it's so easy to say to someone, hey, I'm more of a FaceTime person. Do you want to FaceTime tonight? And so I think that's totally become a normal part of dating

since the pandemic when it was the only way to date. And so I really recommend that people do a phone call or a video date, especially for people who don't have a lot of time. And for people who maybe aren't comfortable with giving out their phone number to strangers, I always recommend just creating an email address, getting a Zoom account,

and having like your Zoom dating account. You don't have to give away any personal information that is important to you. And you can very much qualify people that you're interested in, but you know, want to talk to them, hear're interested in, but you know, wanna talk to them, hear about their body language, you know, kind of get insight to their kind of humor

and things like that, which, like you said, is very difficult to do via text in an app. So couldn't agree more, get to that video chat, get to that date as fast as possible, and increase your chances of finding love. This is exciting, Logan, I'm really happy to hear these changes on Hinge. I love to see the way that Hinge is making it

more intentional and easier for people to find love. That's a really exciting feature and really appreciate you taking the time to tell us about it. Yeah, thanks so much, Nick, and good luck to all of your listeners with their dating lives. I appreciate it. All right, take care.

We'll talk soon. Yeah, have a good one. Bye. All right, bye-bye. All right, let's read Terry's response. All right, take it away, honey. I don't know, do we really think I should be doing this? You opened it and you're like,

ah yeah, I'm confident. It's addressed to Mr. Roland Parker. She has girl penmanship, which is hard to read. Actually, it's quite actually, it's very pretty, very small, not like the girlies of when I went to elementary school, it's more bubble letters. She has the very tiny handwriting. when I went to elementary school. More bubble letters. She has the very tiny handwriting.

She's not in elementary school here though. She's like a grown woman. Roly. Arrived home from work today. It was more than glad to find your affectionate letter waiting for me. It made me feel good to think I'm still on your mind. But please don't spend your sleeping time thinking of me. Oh my god, generous. This is a good time to tell you I'm pregnant.

This is a good chance to catch up on your health since being away in such a savage country. I don't want to prevent you from anything you should do. It's sweet of your dad to say such remarks as he had, but I'm afraid I couldn't answer it, Rolly. We haven't known each other that long to answer a question on that. She put on the brakes. We are both young and maybe foolish.

And still our feelings might not turn out to be just a fatuation. You see, I've never been in love. I really couldn't answer that question correctly. Maybe someday we both can. Mother and dad, mother and dad, thought there must have been someone quite important to have kept me another day. So I explained everything to them, which I hope you wouldn't mind. They hadn't seemed to have minded after I was finishing talking about my wonderful affair. We really don't know how much I have enjoyed meeting your family and being with you that day. So is... I don't know.

Something about Jeff and Helen coming along. Can't understand the first word. I hope for the best. Tell her I'm wishing her the best of luck and don't forget to take Baldi's place as a good daddy. Okay, which I am sure you will. Really, I'm afraid I can't be able to send that lock of hair for at least a week. Could these snapshots, which I enclosed, are about the best I could find for the time being?

Seeing you wanted them so bad, I sent two. They may not satisfy your taste, but they'll have to do for the time being. Honey, so you really think you'll be jealous of me if I go on a date? Well, if I did, it wouldn't have any kind of lips meeting mine. And as far as I'm concerned, there can't be any for a long while, honey.

Thank you for not having that cigarette. I'm glad to know how well you're trying. Give my best regards to your family and take care of yourself. So long telling me to get another letter and place right after. By the way, keep yourself in at the restaurant and say hello to my cousins. I almost forgot to answer your question. Formally, Rolly, I almost forgot to answer your question. Formally, Roly, I've been thinking of the same question, but couldn't answer it right. I'm afraid we just have to wait and let time take its course.

What a tease. So I think Terry was living in Chicago and her cousins lived up here in Wisconsin, and that's how they met. Wow, that was a roller coaster. I really hope all of you were hanging on with us. I think we made it work. Anyways, what a cute story. That is a roller coaster. I really hope all of you were hanging on with us. I think we made it work. Anyways, what a cute story.

That is a cute story. What do you feel like you are taking away from reading the first two letters from your grandparent? They were kind of sassy. Do you think they ever imagined their grandchildren reading this on a podcast? No. Okay. And do you think they would be okay with it?

You think it would be a violation of their privacy? I'm trying to imagine if like, we wrote letters to each other and then Rivers kids like had like a show like The View. And we're like, found these letters. My dad and my grandpa and my, you think it'd be cute? Yeah. Okay, period. I hope you thought it was cute.

Anyway, do you wanna be ready? Do you wanna be happy sending your questions at asknick at the'd be cute. Yeah. You think it'd be cute? Yeah. Okay. Period. I hope you thought it was cute. Anyway, do you want to be ready? Do you want to be happy sending your questions at asknick at TheViolafiles.com? Let's get to our callers. Question time with Nick.

Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going? Hey, it's good. I'm Brittany. I'm 28 and my boyfriend of five years cheated on me and is no longer attracted to me because of my weight gain. Okay. Well, I'm sorry that happened. Two separate things. Yes. I mean, we can get into the whole if your boyfriend, why your boyfriend is or isn't attracted to you and if that's, you know, because you gained weight, that is something we can talk about if you want. But he cheated on you and he did not cheat on you because of how much

you weigh or don't weigh, to be clear. Yeah, that's personally my thoughts as well. I think that especially given the history because there's so it's kind of multi layered. So I don't know if you want me to give you the background of the relationship and then kind of leading up to it. But yeah, when this most recent event, when we were discussing it after I had found some incriminating things on his phone, eventually in the conversation, he said,

well, I'm no longer attracted to you anymore. And I think we both know why obviously you've gained weight and I've been dancing around it for months and pretty much stated that as his reason why he cheated on me, obviously I think in my head, I know that that's not the only reason it's not just because of that. Um, no, I mean, she did because he's a dick or doesn't care. I mean, we can go on and on and on. Listen, had your boyfriend came to you and said, Hey, can we just have a tough

conversation? You know, I'm less attracted to you because of this. I mean, that's still a choice, but you date for five years, we change, we change our appearances, we change our attitudes, we change our appearances, we change our attitudes, we change our behaviors, we change our preferences, and people can fall in and out of love with us. But he could have had a tough conversation with you and addressed how he felt about his attraction. You could have responded how you wanted to respond, whether that was to say, that's rude

and uncalled for, and I don't accept that type of criticism. You could say, hey, listen, I have and I agree but you know here's why and I you know but couples can be critical and supportive at the same time. Has your weight come up in the past? So it, he's never directly said weight. Can I pause for a second? How do you feel about yourself and your weight? Do you think that? Because it really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks if you are in fact very happy and comfortable with who you are. No, so I, it's definitely like a sore spot for me. It's something that I'm actively working on. And I think that's actually the part that was the most frustrating was the timing of it because he knows that I'm working on it.

And it is something that I am kind of insecure about in a way I guess is the best way, and most honest way to put it. But I mean, I've lost 20 pounds in the last three months. So it's not like I'm not doing anything about it. Well, to be clear, your boyfriend's behavior has nothing really to do with your weight. Yeah.

And it's a shitty, it's shitty what he did, but you unfortunately, I mean, it took you five years to find out, but you did find out that like, this is not an unconditional love situation. There's not a person who's there to stand by your side through thick and thin. And it's not the first time it's happened. So that is also another part of it.

What, that he's cheated on you. Okay. Yeah. Uh, why were you willing to forgive him in the first time? So honestly, a big piece of it was I was pregnant. When he cheated on you when you were pregnant. Do you have a child together? We do. We do. He's two. Well, I'm glad you have a beautiful child. He is very beautiful. Yeah. And a little bias. He's great. But yes. And then we have a

house together. We have a dog. Do you actually have the houses in both your names? Mm-hmm. It is. Okay. Did you both put the same amount down? No, he put more down than I did, but we both pay equal on the mortgage payments. Okay. Not ideal, but not the end of the world. Did you stay with him mostly because you were pregnant and didn't know what to do, so you just chose to forgive him? I'm not going to say like it was solely because I was pregnant. It was definitely a big part of it. I think I was hopeful that maybe things would change

and that he would change. As far as change happening, did you count on mostly hope as opposed to like, did he do anything afterwards? Was he accountable? Did he try to address the issues? Did he once again blame you like he's doing this time? He definitely blamed me for like a decent bit of it, but not as much. This time is definitely more blaming me, but previously, no.

He took more, a little bit more accountability and he did go to therapy. And so that was, and I was already in therapy. He went to therapy, we went to couples therapy a couple of times. So there were things that we were doing to actively kind of work on the issue. So I would say it was a little more than just blind hope.

But it sounds like he still blamed you. Yeah, oh yeah. No, there was definitely still pieces of that in there. It's a special kind of shitty to cheat on your pregnant partner and then to even kind of blame them. It would have been pretty bad regardless, but it would have been better if it had been like,

listen, I don't know what to say, I'm a piece of shit. I can't believe I did this, seeing your most vulnerable position. As someone who like just recently experienced my partner being pregnant, like I just, you know, his time and attention should have been going towards whatever it is you needed to help support you, sacrificing your body to grow his child,

yeah, your child too, but you know what I'm saying. And like that didn't happen. No. Listen, you're in a tough situation, you know, I don't think you need me to point all the reasons why it's tough. Life is just really about how you choose to look at any one situation. And so you have the ability to see this as a second chance at doing the healthiest thing for you and your child before you got married to this guy, before you invested any more time. So instead of seeing this as beating yourself up emotionally

for giving me another shot, telling yourself you're stupid, thinking to yourself, I can't believe this is happening to me, oh, what a shitty situation. But you could do that, you could definitely give yourself a hard time, you can sit in your pain, you can feel sorry for yourself, it would be very easy for you to do

and very understandable for you to do it. So you're not gonna get any judgment, but it isn't gonna do you any good. And this is an opportunity. And thank God in a way that what he's done is even worse than the time before, which is to, you know, like pointing out your weight gain in a time where you're actually investing

and making positive changes in your life. You're currently on a path of losing weight and instead he's making you feel like it's not enough. This is a shitty person. Yeah. And I think it's important context to, to add. So I had a, um, I had a hysterectomy back about a year and a half ago. I'm sorry.

Like that's really when the weight gain started was after that. So I had a really tough pregnancy. It was sick throughout the entire pregnancy. Um, had like nurses coming to the house. It was a whole thing. So he's like a really bad person. And that department. Yeah.

What do you mean that department? I don't, I, I don't think he's malicious. Like I don't think it's coming from like ill will that he's absolutely trying to do it. I'm not saying he's a monster. He's just a dick. He's just at best, he's an absolutely incredible self centered asshole. Yes. Who truly at the end of the day only cares about himself and sees

you is something he was only in his life to serve his needs. That's best case and that's not great. No, no it's not. When you called in what were you hoping for? What were you what kind of answer like what could I help you out with? I mean I don't know I don't want to like you know I could sit here and point out that he's a dick and I don't know. But like, what are you considering staying with him? Are you on the fence of what you should do as far as this relationship goes? So right now where I'm at is I'm trying to work through it. And I'm trying to almost, I'm obviously having a hard time, I think, with some of the comments that he made and how he made them, when he made them, the whole trust thing in general. But I think it's just trying to move past it. I did make it clear that if something were to happen

again that I would be done and would be done for good, we could figure out how to co-parent, but I would be putting kind of myself first, cause that's not what I want my son to have to look at as a relationship where that's what he would think a marriage is supposed to be. And like that's, I don't want him to ever think that this is the standard of what it should be because it's not.

So yeah, I guess that's kind of where I'm at. I'm trying to figure out how I can work through it. I agree with that statement, but that statement is suggesting that you're really only considering how this is gonna affect your son, which is, you know, I guess admirable as a mom, but have you thought about how this is affecting you? How old are you again? I'm 28. Pretty young.

Yeah, I think we're kind of in a little bit of a I think I'm in a more vulnerable spot because like, yes, financially, we split everything with the house. But because of like my health issues and everything, like I'm on his health insurance. It's just a lot more cost effective than like where we live. It's also extremely expensive. And all of my family is kind of in this area as well. But I think that is also kind of a harder point that if I leave, I do need help with our son sometimes because my health issues can cause me to kind of be down for a little bit.

He still is going to be his dad. So there is that. How is your support system outside of your boyfriend? So I'm really close with my mom, but she knows he's cheated on me before. She doesn't know about the recent situation and I've just tried to protect him. Stop protecting him. I know. You're not doing yourself any good. I mean, listen, you're in a tough spot. There's no denying that.

Your health issues that you have, how that affects you, I empathize with that. But you protecting him isn't doing any good. It's okay to ask for help. What about your friends? I mean, again, the cost of your health insurance, I'm not in a position to tell you that's no big deal, obviously, do you work?

I do, yeah, I work full-time. Okay, so you do have health insurance available to you if you want? I do, it's not the best health insurance and it's pretty costly, but I could do it. I mean, do you have you actually crunch the numbers? Oh yes, no I have, it's tight. It's like, I wanna save forever.

What's the difference in cost? Like what is your out of pocket expense? What's the difference? Like you're paying X now, right? But if you were to get on your own insurance and still like have to, you know, go to the doctor or whatever, whatever your healthcare costs, how much could you, how much more would you expect

to pay ballpark? So I would have to pay ballpark like monthly payment wise at least six or 700 more a month at minimum. And then the deductible is also a lot higher at my work as well. So that's, I think it's almost, it's $2,000 more for the deductible. So I mean, it's a big chunk. It's a decent chunk. It's definitely not nothing, but just to throw out scenarios. It's like we pick a life early, you know, in our early 20s sometimes. And I think our, you know, depending on where we are raised or where we live, there's a

lot of parts of our world that it's just like, you know, once you graduate college, you pick a partner, you have some kids and like, that's just going to be your life forever. Because here you are painting this picture, which is grim. There's no doubt. And I, and I empathize with why you feel stuck. And I'm not in a position to tell you that an extra say, let's call it $15,000 is, is a not, is a large sum of money. It's re you know, it's a real, it's a real dollar amount, right? That being said, just to throw out alternatives, you know, let's say you broke up with your boyfriend, let's say you broke up with your boyfriend.

Let's say that you had to share custody with your child. Not ideal, we don't love, because I'm sure anytime away from your son, how is he as a father? Do you feel like he's a pretty good dad? He's, yes, he's a very good dad. Okay, that's great. We love that, right?

Yep. Despite him being a shitty partner, solid dad. We love that because, hey, at least your kid has a somewhat, I don't know, maybe decent dad. Maybe not the best role model for him dating, but he's got you on how to treat women. Hopefully, but anyways, that's not a perfect situation,

but we love that your boyfriend is still a good dad. So you'll have some type of shared custody. In that time off from your kid, you can go on. So you'll have some type of shared custody. In that time off from your kid, you can go on trips, you can invest yourself, you can also get a part-time job, or you know, you can do something fun. Maybe bartend, you're only 28. Wait tables, interact with people. Kind of fun, you make some cash. I bet over the course of year, you can make 15, 20 grand. And now listen, you know, some people might be listening to me like, what, your solution is to tell her to get a job?

I mean, yeah, I mean, potentially. And that job could be something that could open more doors. You can meet friends, you can get some independence. And if I were you in your position, I would rather like reinvent myself and get a job that maybe I never, three years ago, never thought I'd have to bartend again or wait tables again or maybe it's not that. But that that makes you more independent. Now you're free. It's like if the option is to get a part time job to cover the increased cost of your, you know, and again, maybe that's not even a solution because of your health conditions.

I don't know. I'm just kind of brainstorming here, but I bet there's a solution of how you could find this extra money. Right now you are painting this picture of considering staying in this very shitty situation with someone who doesn't treat you with respect, makes you feel shitty about yourself, destroys your confidence, your sense of self worth. These sound like very terrible things. And yet we're so willing to put up with them and accept them and make excuses for them,

you know, be a martyr. It's just like, oh, well, you know, I'm gonna do it for my kid. I don't know, that all sounds more terrible than just like a couple extra hours of work a week. There's also maybe solutions of working from home. You know, there's, you know, and in 2024, there's a lot of online businesses you can create.

I don't know, like, I bet you, if your life was depending on it, you could figure it out. Yeah, no, definitely. I mean, I could, it wouldn't be comfortable and it would definitely be, I would say, harder on me. With the health issues, I just don't know when it's going to, obviously when that part is going to happen.

Maybe other people can help you out, I don't know. If nothing else, love for you to consider all your other options. As long as you consider those options while you eliminate the whole judgment of like never thought I'd have to be in this position again or something like that, the self judgment of feeling like you're going backwards and not forward with your life. You never see the stock market,

it's only ever gone up over time, you know, but it often goes down, you know, so it's like over the, you know, you followed over 50 years, you know, it goes like this, slanted up, but with a bunch of like up and down, you know, and that's life, you know, life's full of up and downs, you know, it might be a bad analogy. A lot of people's lives actually get worse, you know, we're not, I always say, we're not entitled to a good life. And our choices matter. And we act like we're entitled to a good life.

But if you choose to stay in the situation, I don't see how your life gets better over the long term. Because he's not gonna magically change who he is as a person. And how he treats you and how he respects you. You were willing to give him another shot. He has proven to not have deserved that opportunity. Yeah.

And at this point, like it's one thing for him to fuck up and say, I'm so sorry. I know I'm a mess. I got problems. I needed to address them. And even then that could just be excuses. But at least that would be him acknowledging that he fucked up. No, what he is doing is blaming you. And that's a whole nother level of being an asshole. Yeah, and it's definitely, I think, good to hear it from somebody else's perspective that's kind of outside of the situation. Because when I'm thinking about it, I'm like,

oh, okay, well, I start the self-sabotage part. And that's, I need to work on that on my own. That's something that I know that I acknowledge I need to work on. But yeah, when you put it out front and center like that, it definitely kind of paints out. Also, you have to be aware of the fact that like your willingness to consider staying

in this situation is solely based off the fact that like you are familiar with it. As crazy as that sounds, you know how to do this and anything new is scary, right? The unknown is scary. So that's why I'm guessing when I say, you know, I pitch other solutions, like maybe getting a job or whatever, like I imagine there's a lot of like, Oh God, really? That's the best you got, that's your solution, that's what you're pitching me? A fucking job? You know what I'm saying?

And then you start thinking about all the things of why that could go wrong or why that's not a good idea. So I hear you on that. But from an outsider looking in, even though you're comfortable with your current situation, your current situation fucking sucks and it's not gonna get better, I wouldn't guess. And hoping it gets better would be kind

of crazy at this point. And you're only 28. Is there a light at the end of the tunnel with the health issues that you've been dealing with? Unknown, to be honest. So part of it is I'm probably going to have to go back into surgery for them to remove my last ovary. So, when they did the hysterectomy, they took out everything minus one ovary. And it looks like they have to go back in and take that other one. So that's upcoming. That's probably happening within the next 2 months.

And then my other issue is I have an immune deficiency issue. So I'm waiting for infusions to start, which I'll have to do for the rest of my life. But that is still getting kind of pushed through insurance. So unfortunately, it's not like a quick fix and solve where I can say like, oh yeah, this is the end. No, I'm sorry. You're in a tough situation

and life currently has dealt you a shitty hand. I mean, there's no way around that. But I still think you have an opportunity to still make a better situation for you and your kid. And that means the short term could be a little tougher than you anticipate. But the idea of you staying in this and saying, this is the best I can do and acting like you don't have options, it's very easy do. And acting like you don't have options. It's very easy for us to act like we don't have options because the other options aren't great options,

but they still might be better than your current situation. And I think that's really my overall take rather than maybe just throwing out a bunch of other, I just want you to consider other solutions. I would love for you to just say, all right, this is my problem. I need to figure out how to get out of this. And I'll just keep coming up with different ideas

until I come up with a solution. But you need also, you need to reach out to your support system. You need to tell your mom, you need to tell your friends. You can't do this on your own. So if you do have a good support system, they need to rally behind you and pick you up

and be there for you. And in this time where you really need some help, maybe someone offers you some help, whether maybe it's a little financial help or, or whatever. And in the future, you can bust your ass to work to pay them back or pay it forward or whatever it is, but stop doing this on your own. Let the people who do love you and appreciate you and care about you help you. It's not him. What's your motivation for protecting him?

I think it's cause I just don't want other people to see him necessarily in a negative light. Why? Cause I love him, I think. And- What do you love about him? He's a great, great father to our son. That's awesome.

He's not a good partner to you. And we do have, like, it hasn't all been bad, obviously. There's been a lot of good times and we don't really argue a ton. Like, we do talk, we are able to talk through a lot of things. It's not a toxic situation where, I mean, not saying that our current situation isn't toxic, because it is, but.

When was the last time you remember being happy with your relationship? Like happy, like the relationship him brought you happiness and you felt grateful to be in that relationship. Having nothing to do with your son, having nothing to do with being a parent or remembering, you know, the honeymoon phase. But when was the last time you looked in, you know, you just looked at him or just thought, I'm so grateful to have this relationship. A couple of months at least, minimum. I mean, a couple of months ain't bad. Earlier this year in 2024, there was a time

where you were like, this is amazing. He's everything I wanted him to be. I would say so, yeah. He made you feel good about yourself? Not in the sense of necessarily the weight piece and not saying that he outwardly was saying, you know, wasn't saying anything. I wasn't being like rude, but I felt we were a lot closer. We, you know, did more activities, I think together, like as an end of individual couple versus, um, just kind of being parents to our son. And so I w I would say earlier, definitely like earlier this year.

So not, not like two years, three years that it's been more recent. Okay. I mean, yeah, it's just, it's, it's hard for me to picture how this, I just, I don't, I mean, a guy who cheats on his pregnant partner and then blames her and then does it again when she's dealing with some incredibly serious health conditions that play a role into her body changing. And then to throw it in her face is the reason why you cheat again. Again, like the cheating is this like least of the problems.

His response to him doing it is cruel. It's cruel, it's cruel. I don't know how else to look at it. Cheating, there's a million reasons why people do it and like it could be very self-centered and cheating is cruel, but you can convince know, there's a million reasons why people do it and like it could be very self-centered and you know, cheating is cruel But you can convince me that there's reasons that like it's that people aren't doing it to be cruel There's a you know, but like how he's handling this is cruel. It's mean. I don't know. Let's look at it

so this is really hard for me to Connect the dots with someone who when he's not busy being cruel to you is someone that brings you joy and happiness and brings you something worth fighting for. No, and that makes sense. And I think, you know, to a degree, I know I have rose colored glasses because it's comfortable. I've been with him so long. He's the father of my kid. And I think you're right. It's so comfortable for me to say because I'm used to this. Does your mom and our friends live by you or around you? Yes, my mom lives near me. She is 30 minutes out. His mom is also out and I'm actually also very,

very close to his mom. Who does mom? Does she know? She does. She knows everything. She found out. What did she say? Did she know she does she knows everything she found out what does she say did she find out what he said to you she has heard from Mark I kind of have in a nonchalant way have said similar things obviously with it being his mom I I try not to I I don't want to again, kind of paint him any light.

But no, I mean, she's offered for me to come and stay with her on multiple occasions and that I could, me and my son couldn't stay with her for as long as we needed. Okay, well, again, that's something, but I think you should go to your mom's, going to to his moms gives him a little bit more control in the situation. You gotta make some moves. Even if you wanna figure out how to salvage this relationship, which I think you know

how I feel about it, but again, all I know about your relationship is what I've learned in the past half hour of talking. But even if you wanna fight for this relationship, you need to make some moves here. You need to make some very difficult decisions. You need to stop being so passive. You need to start standing up for yourself. And I almost feel bad saying this because you're in a tough spot,

but he needs to take you seriously. And he is not communicating to you in a way that demonstrates as someone who's taking you seriously No, not at all. I would love for you to kick him out, but you know, it's his house, too So he probably works really You wouldn't he's also an attorney. Oh That's that's another layer kind of attorney not he's not a divorce attorney, but he probably works a few He knows a lot. Yeah, But you're not married, correct?

No, we're not. Okay, have you spoken with any family lawyers when it comes to custody? I have not because I have not, I've started to look at people, but I'm trying to find somebody that isn't going to have any sort of bias to him because unfortunately he is fairly well known.

Is he successful? Yes. Why aren't you guys married? We got pregnant right outside of like he had just graduated law school. So he's a fairly new attorney. Our son's gonna be three, so about four years. So that happened fairly quickly and then just all the health issues.

You can't possibly be the most popular lawyer in town. I mean, some of the guys are not like him. He works for one of the best attorneys in town and even his previous attorney was the biggest attorney in town. So it's just finding a lawyer that I think would also be good enough to make sure that I don't get screwed, which I don't think he would screw me, I would, I hope he's not that. But you don't know for sure.

But I don't know for sure. What does his mom say about him? I don't, like, I'm just so. She doesn't understand why he is the way that he is towards me. I mean, she always says that I do pretty much everything for our son and our little family. And she's like, I can't make any excuses for him. So I mean, she's there for more of a comfort and for help, but that's pretty much her stance.

And she's a very, very positive person. So she like, she barely says anything negative about anybody. So for her to say that. I don't know what the laws are, you know, like if you were to take your son and go to mom's, like I don't even know what that looks like. Is that legal?

I don't know honestly how that works. It is. I mean, if he wanted to see him, I would still have to let him see him. But technically, since we're not married and we're in the South, so mother's rights definitely are higher. Okay. But he's a good dad. So I don't want to take... Listen, I know this is not about like you don't use your kid as leverage. This is about like, listen, you're cruel to me, I can't be in the same house with you anymore,

certainly right now. It breaks my heart, nothing would make me happier for you to not be cruel to me and for you to be faithful, but you're not to me anymore. So like, you know, and just be like, let me know when you wanna see our son, but I would, yeah. Really, knowing he's a lawyer, like,

understand your rights, do your homework, don't be hasty, but you need to start making decisions, I guess, you know, whatever those decisions are. You can't just sit around and hope for him to change because that's not happening. After you found out that he was cheating on you again, like, where are you now? When did you find this out and where, like where did you guys leave things? As of this moment, what is your understanding of your relationship? As of right now, my understanding is that

we are working on it. Marriage is like off the table. We're not obviously going to try to get engaged or anything. Right now we're trying to see if we can work through our particular relationship issues and if we can kind of get aligned, but if we can't, then we will separate. But this happened a couple of weeks ago.

So it's fresh, it's very fresh. And how are you guys working on things? So we're going to go back to couples therapy. We're just waiting for our appointment to kind of go back in. I think we have our next appointment, I want to say two weeks from now. And then we're trying to do more things together as a couple versus just parents and trying to be more intentional with our time together so those are things that we are trying to do but it's still very early and everything is still very fresh and my walls are definitely still very much up and trying to move past it the best that I can. But obviously it's kind of hard to get that out

from the back of your head once it's been said. I mean, it's the can of worms. It's like a whenever you can't really get the toothpaste back in the toothpaste tube after it's been put out. Yeah, listen, you're in a tough situation. I'm glad you're gonna go back to a couples therapy. It's definitely something. Two a tough situation. I'm, I'm glad you're going to go back to a couple's therapy. It's definitely something to session. They ain't going to do it.

No, no, it has to be a, what's what stopped you from what, why'd you guys stop couples therapy last time? Honestly, it was really like my surgery. Um, and just kind of having, having our son, I mean, we really should have kept up with it, but the health issues really just got to a peak. And I was down pretty bad and couldn't do much. I feel like I'm letting you down here. I mean, there's not much I can...

You're in a tough situation. I guess I want you to leave with the... As shitty as your situation is, don't let yourself believe that you have no options because you do. You have a good relationship with his mom, that's something. You have your mom. I'm assuming you have other friends.

You're not utilizing your support system right now. Your health struggles suck, but you're working through it. There's a world where you can find whatever extra money you need to get on your own insurance if it came to that, not ideal. But I just don't want you to feel like you have no other options. And it's worth trying out other solutions to these problems that you continue to have with your relationship. And you're only 28.

That's the big thing. Yeah. And it's very easy in your position to act like you don't have options give up on trying something new Just accept that this is the the life that I have to put up with but you just you don't That's a good way to look at it because I think that's how I I've been looking at it It's I I don't see a way out like I don't know how I can sustain Being out of this relationship and still maybe having things that I do or being a single mom or being able to support myself

with my son. And I think I just haven't really been thinking that there's a way out. And I think I just, like you said, I kind of need to shift my mindset and obviously start looking and making plans for a way out if I if I need it and how I can get there and a set kind of a set plan because I don't have that right now at all. Yeah. Because I really I don't think I've even though I've said it like

I'm I'm going to leave. Yeah you just kind of sit down. Yeah. But you have to, yeah. And I think that's the biggest thing is saying leaving is an option. And forget about saying that out loud as a threat. You kind of just, you need to believe that to yourself that like leaving is an option. And at this point, it might be a good option.

It will be difficult, no doubt. It will have its short-term challenges and hurdles. In the short run, may not feel like the better of the two options, but it's definitely a potential good option. I'm only 28. I got a lot of life in front of me. This is not the environment I want to raise my son around. Thankfully, he is a good dad, but he's a bad partner and I deserve better and I can find better and I deserve better and you need to repeat that over and over to yourself because like yeah make him if he wants to be a bad partner make him you may not get spousal support but you can get child support if he wants custody of his

kids well that will give you free time. You know, he's gonna have to find support for that. You got some, I mean, it sucks that he's a lawyer, but you can still, he's not the only lawyer in town. No, no, he's not. And there, I mean, we live in a very saturated attorney spot. So there's a lot I just have to find. And if he really works for the best lawyer, the best lawyer has a lot of enemies. Yeah, that's a good point too have to find. And if he really works for the best lawyer, the best lawyer has a lot of enemies.

Yeah, that's a that's a good point, too. I think about that. So do your homework. But you it's really comes down to step one for you is getting yourself to believe that leaving him is at least an option. No, I think that's a good, a good step. And something that, like I said, I've said, but I don't think I've fully processed it in my own mind.

Well, you have to start believing like, you know, like, yeah, six months from now leaving him probably sounds shitty. It was like, oh man. But three years from now, boy, who knows what your life could be without him. It's kind of whatever you want it to be. Yeah.

Without the anxiety of my partner's being honest with me, if my partner's being faithful to me, is my partner gonna make me feel like a shitty person? And despite how hard I'm working on myself, gonna make me feel like I'm not good enough or not doing enough and just is gonna be a cruel person? It's emotional torture. Yeah, no it is.

I mean, I think of one of your episodes when you're talking about Harry Jowsey being an emotional terrorist. Well, there are people out there like that. But no, I think that's a good plan. I think I just haven't wanted to believe that there was a way out. But I think I just have to make there be a way out. Go find movies that are empowering, that it's about people overcoming

terrible, difficult situations. You need to get some motivation. You've been dealt a very shitty hand, there's no doubt, but there are people have gotten through difficult times, people more difficult times. There, you know, you can be more resilient than you are showing yourself to be in this moment.

And so I know it's not super great options right now, but I just need you to stop acting as if you have no options. No, that's helpful. And that's why I wrote in because I knew I would, I kind of needed probably it more stern talking to to an outside source, but I also do need to talk to my support circle because I haven't. You need to do that.

That's step one. Pick up the phone, you get on the phone with me, tell your mom, this is what I'm dealing with. I need your help. I don't know what to do. I just really need your support right now. I need you to be there for me. I'm scared, I'm worried,

but like I really need to figure this out and be strong, you know? Show that strength. Stop protecting him. Start protecting yourself and your son. He's fine. He's a lawyer, he's got friends. He's got all the protection he needs. He doesn't need your protection.

Stop protecting him. No, you're right. You're right. I definitely need to do that. And I sound down and I'm just processing everything. So I really appreciate your help and kind of talking through it because laying it out in the way that you did,

it makes a lot of sense. Okay. And I wasn't necessarily going there. All right. Well, keep us posted. I will. All right. I will keep you guys posted.

Okay. I'll talk to you later. Bye. Bye-bye. Stand those sunscreen snacks for the kids. I will keep you guys posted. Okay, I'll talk to you later. Bye. Bye bye. Sandal sunscreen snacks for the kids. What do these have in common? You're probably buying a ton again this summer, but don't stress about the cost. I bought it to get cash back on all your purchases when you stock up on all the summer essentials.

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Why? Because I found out from a mutual friend and she doesn't want him to. What did he do? When he was on vacation, he went home with another girl. Okay, who is this mutual friend? So it's one of my roommate's friends. And she told my roommate all of this.

How close are you with the roommate? And it's one of his like, how close am I with my roommate? Pretty close, we like do a lot together. Okay, well how reasonable are these people? You believe the rumors, like are you on the fence or you don't know what to believe? Like how do you-

No, I believe it. You believe it, all right. There's also kind of like a back story with him and the mutual friend. They previously hooked up and I tried to just like ignore. He also doesn't know that I know that. So that was already kind of off putting at the beginning. Sure, but that's at this point

kind of neither here nor there. And why do you bring that up only because like, do you think that makes this friend less believable? No, I just think that I almost wonder if she's telling me these things just to, because she wants something with him. So hold on, so just to make clear, the mutual friend is not the roommate?

No. So just to clarify. Yes. This is your boyfriend or some guy you're hooking up with? Some guy I was just hooking up with basically. Okay. And when you say you're just like, what's your commitment level? We had like talked about it previously.

We said that before the trip, he said that like he wasn't talking to anybody else, but we weren't like exclusive. So, but throughout the whole trip, he was very like communicating a lot and like telling me what he was doing and almost making it seem like he was invested and like exclusive, but not acting like it.

How often is he communicating with you at this point? At this point, it's kind of more, like I've kind of backed off a little just because I don't wanna continue something if I like can't tell him what I know like that just seems wrong me knowing something that he doesn't have any idea about so just to clarify what what can I help you with and what are you trying to figure out how to like bring it up because I think that I should bring it up because I do actually see something with him right

now I just am kind of like you still still do? Waiting. Yeah, he just. Why? Like, because our conversations have been like really good and I feel like I can talk to him about anything. He's just like the first guy that I've had a connection with in a while and it just seems so like natural and easy with him. This is just the only thing that is. It's the big only thing. How long you been hanging out with this guy?

Yeah, like two months. Two months, okay. You're hooking up? Yeah. And to be clear, what ex, you know, been hanging out with this guy? Yeah, like two months. Two months, okay. You're hooking up? Yeah. And to be clear, what actual expectations have you guys set with each other in terms of commitment level?

It's one thing to, you can call each other boyfriend and girlfriend, you can do the thing that I still don't understand where people say, well, we're not boyfriend and girlfriend, but we are exclusive, but it's still at least some type of expectation setting you know, expectation setting. Then there's the whole like, you know, I just want to make sure, you know,

we're not boyfriend and girlfriend, we're not committed, but if we're sleeping together, I need you to be honest with me, if you're hooking up with other people for safe sex purposes. Like what if any expectations or communications have you guys communicated with each other in terms of what you owe each other during this courtship?

Yeah, right now it's just been, we aren't exclusive, but we're like honest with each other, kind of the last thing that you said. Okay, except that you're not, right? Yeah. To be clear, okay. And despite you being aware that he's not being honest with you,

that doesn't change how you feel about him in terms of the potential? Yeah. Yeah. Like obviously he, the thing is he's based on everything that's happened. He seems to like be honest about everything else, but obviously now I'm like, is he, but I mean, if I were, if, you know, the way you're sounding, yeah, just want to repeat it back. How old are you again? Yeah, 22. 22, okay.

The way you're, it would be like if, you know, let's say if anyone you were dating said, you're on your second date, you know, and you're like, I really like you and you guys talk about your potential and you're like, oh my God, same. And I feel that way too. And boy, there's a lot here.

And they're just like, yeah. And I also like trust is a big issue for me. I really want to be, I want to have trust in my relationship, but just, you know, like there's two things that just won't be honest with you about. How would you feel about that? I wouldn't like it. Like that's my problem.

Like I know it's wrong. That is what's going on to be clear. Yes, yeah. I just, there's something in me. Like I always want to like see the best or like try to understand where they Yes, yeah. I just, there's something in me, like I always wanna like see the best or like try to understand where they're coming from, like why he wouldn't tell me. But like, I don't know, I'm just trying to like see the best

and I feel like I don't wanna like cut something off if like it's going good, but it's obviously not with something big like this happening. Yeah, I mean, we wanna see the good in people, I get that, right? But I don't think this is we want to see the good in people, I get that, right? But I don't think this is you wanting to see the good in him. You see the good in him. This is you trying to ignore the things that you also see

in him that aren't great because you like a lot of the other things about him. Then you want to cherry pick what you're learning about him as a potential want to cherry pick what you're learning about him as a potential partner and you are setting yourself up for great disappointment. Yeah, that's true. Because like option one, obviously, option one is to simply just move on, right? He's not your boyfriend. You don't really owe him a conversation. You could respect the wishes of the person who told you.

I'm not saying you should or you have to, but that's an option. And you could just simply move on and say, hey, listen, if you ever were to reach out, be like, I just felt like we just had, we're on two different pages or whatever. And, you know, I'm going to move on. And you could just, you know, knowing that you believe these rumors, you can move on with the knowledge of, trust is really important to me and I've been super honest with him, I've given no reason not to be honest with me.

And yet, even though I've given him no reason not to be honest with me, and that's the way you need to look at it, right? Cause you're looking at it all wrong, right? Here you are, dating a guy, you're hooking up with him, you're not in an exclusive committed relationship. I'm gonna assume based off our short time talking that you're a relatively calm person. You seem gentle, understanding, things like that,

not reactive. If that is truly who you are, you have given this guy every opportunity in a situation where he's not going to be able to do anything that he wants to do. understanding, things like that, not reactive. If that is truly who you are, you have given this guy every opportunity in a situation where he doesn't even need to lie to be honest with you, right?

Doesn't need to. He can easily just be like, hey, I just wanna be transparent with you. I know, and I don't wanna hurt your feelings, but since we are hooking up and we've told each other, we will be honest about what we're doing outside of us hanging out, this happened. And I just want to be honest with you.

I know it's really hard, but it's hard for me to say, and I'm not saying to be cruel or hurtful, but I just want to be honest with you. You know, he didn't do that, right? Yeah. And so what I'm saying is like, that's without him, like he has every right to tell you the truth and you don't even have a right to get mad.

You're not boyfriend and girlfriend. Yeah. But he's still choosing not to tell you, which means that if you were boyfriend and girlfriend, he would definitely not tell you. Now the question is would he have done it, who knows, but like, what did we learn about this rumor? He's not making you a priority.

He's not considering your feelings in the moment. He's not honest with you after the fact. Doesn't mean he's a bad guy, but how old is he? He's 24. He's 24, all right. So still young, right? It's just not giving, it's not giving boyfriend, you know? Now that being said, you like the guy

and maybe it's your ego or whatever. You wanna give him the benefit of the doubt, you wanna understand, you wanna have the conversation. So now you're gonna have to make a choice. And that choice is, is to respect the wishes the person who told you or not, you know, and confront him, tell him you know, like just so you know, if you confront him,

it's gonna get back to the person who told you. Even if you don't say the name, if you're like, I can't say, you him, it's gonna get back to the person who told you. Even if you don't say the name, if you're like, I can't say, you know, it's gonna get back. So if you do decide to confront him, you need to do so with that knowledge. Now, if I were in your position, this is what I would do. I probably wouldn't do what I should do,

which is to simply move on, right? My ego would want answers, right? So I would go to the person who told me the rumor and say, listen, I'm really sorry, but I need to address this to him. I can't just, what would you do if you were me? You know, like, I really like this guy. He's not being honest with me. I can't not talk to him about it. I'm not going to bring your name up, but I'm going to tell him I found this out. I hope you understand. Don't ask for their permission. Don't ask them not to be mad.

Just say, I hope you understand. And kind of like, what would you do if I'm in my shoes? And then I would confront them. But I would let that person, I would least let that person know and give them the heads up that you're gonna confront them. Okay. That's what I do.

And as far as you talking with him, I mean, I would have low expectations. Yeah. That is something to consider though, if you confront him, what friendships, if any, and with who, are you risking potential conflict and drama with if you confront him?

Like what are you potentially sacrificing? For me, it would be with my roommate. My roommate and I are like pretty close. We do a lot together. So like that would be cool because she was told by this person. So I don't, I don't know if I want. So your roommate has asked you not to tell? Yeah. She, well at first she was saying like the person that told her was like, that heard directly from him was like, oh, like gonna tell him like I don't think she should and I was like no like I won't so I just automatically did that like in the heat of the moment because I just like I didn't want to upset anybody and then I've been

thinking about it more and I was like I don't know what I would do but like the girl who told her doesn't want me to know and my roommate was like I don't I just wouldn't because like I don't want their friendship to be ruined. Like the guy and his friend. And I was like, okay. Well, I mean, I'm less concerned about his friendships and more concerned about yours. Yeah, I think my roommate would just be,

I feel like she would do the same thing if she was in my position, but- You should talk to her first. And you should say, sit her down and say, I know I told you I wouldn't, but I've been really struggling. This is really eating me alive. It's bothering me.

I like this guy. I thought he was being honest with me. He's clearly not. I really need to confront him. But obviously I told you I wouldn't and I'm not trying, I don't wanna cause stress on you, but I really need to tell him. And again, I hope you understand,

but I just wanted to be upfront with you because I don't wanna cause stress on you, but I really need to tell him. And again, I hope you understand, but I just wanted to be upfront with you because I don't wanna cause drama in your life. It's just like, it's a very shitty thing for quite honestly your roommate and her friend to tell you this information with the expectation that you're not supposed to do anything with it. And they also don't get to claim

that they wanna stay out of the drama, because they didn't. Now, hopefully they didn't do it for the drama, hopefully they did it to do the right thing, which is to tell you, knowing that you were being wronged in the situation. But if that is the case, they need to follow through with that and allow you to stand up for yourself,

because that's the right thing to do. If this is about the right thing to do, then they should be okay with thing to do. If this is about the right thing to do, then they should be okay with you telling him. If this is about the drama, then they also don't get to say, well, I don't wanna be involved in the drama. They wanted to be involved with it up into the point where they could get caught for being dramatic.

True, yeah. Because otherwise they could just shut the fuck up and not tell you. So they don't really have an argument to stand on. Either they wanted to do the right thing and the right thing would allow you to defend yourself or they wanted to be dramatic and therefore they can't at any point claim that this drama has gone too far. Yeah, true.

But I'm guessing your roommate will, it won't be hard for her to empathize with your position. And I think you just say that. I know I said I would, but I'm really having a hard, I don't know how I don't confront him. I don't wanna involve anyone who doesn't need to be involved but I need to confront him and tell him I know. I'm not gonna say who I found out from, but I'm guessing he'll be able to figure out who did. But I wanted to just be honest with you

because this is just eating me alive and I imagine you would understand, I hope you understand where I'm coming from. Yeah, I just, in my past, I've always had like a hard time standing up for myself. So I felt like this was something that like, if I know I should just do it, like to say it, but I also just don't know if it's even worth it,

like at the end of the day. Well, that's a fair question. To be clear, the best example of you standing up for yourself would be to simply acknowledge what he did, accept what he did, and then stand up for yourself by not continuing to give him more opportunities to disappoint you, not giving him the benefit of the doubt. Again, like it's not black or white, right?

It's not binary. It's not like, oh, now he's a horrible person. It's just like he's clearly not making you a priority. And the problem you're in is because you don't have a boyfriend and girlfriend label. Your expectations are cloudy at best with each other. So I can almost tell you what he's gonna say. He'll get defensive.

I didn't wanna tell you because you were upset, but we're not boyfriend and girlfriend anyways. And it's just like you want me to tell you everyone I'm hooking up with, that seems almost like really? I don't ask you, that's what he'll say. Some version of that, right? So it's kind of a waste of your energy

in that regard. But if you wanna just fight with the guy, if it will make you feel, you confronting him, it really is just about satisfying your ego. I don't think it's really about standing up for yourself. Standing up for yourself would be to stop taking his calls, stop responding him, to him, if you, again, this is a little dramatic

and unnecessary, but if you want to let him know you know if he ever asks, you could do that. You'd be like, listen, you clearly haven't been upfront and honest with me. I thought you were, I just don't wanna see you again. You know? Yeah, true. And then that way way you're not,

because you could just, it's about that. It's not about labels, it's not about expectations. Like you just weren't upfront with me. And I expected more of you. Yeah, that's fair. If he follows up and he's like, well, we were gonna be like, listen, I know we weren't boyfriend and girlfriend,

but like you still weren't upfront with me. And I just don't wanna play those games. That would be very empowering and that would be you standing up for yourself. You confronting him would be a little bit more needing that satisfaction of yelling at him and telling him off. And that's kind of your ego.

And then, you know, and again, knowing that like he's got a bunch of things he could say to make you feel more frustrated and upset. I have low expectations of how he'll respond. Yeah, I think I do too. I think he is the type of person that has to get like the last word in too. So I feel like he would just get very defensive with it. Then again, as far as, as far as future opportunities with this guy, you telling

him off, you confronting him, none of these will actually do anything. You disappearing on him. Well first, you'll find out how much does this guy even give a shit. Because if you pull away and he doesn't chase, that's information. Yeah, that's true. That's him being like, eh, all right, well, on to the next.

Now your ego will be very hurt by that. And that's why people have such a hard time doing the actual, the only thing that really works, especially when it comes to men and trying to get their attention, is that we have to do it knowing that, you know, there is a chance we won't get the response that we want, that there's a chance they won't care

as much as we hope they do. And that's very hurtful on our egos. And so instead of waiting it out, we then go after them and we call them out. And then, you know how they see that? They don't see that as like you care. Well, they don't see that as like they did something wrong. It's just a sign to them that you care,

that you're invested. That gives them the power in a way. It's very powerful to disappear, and I'm not promoting ghosting, but it's very powerful to be unavailable to people, to hang out with people on your schedule, on your time, to only give them answers when you're ready. And a lot of people don't do that.

Yeah, I definitely also struggle with that. The way to do it is to one, I say this a lot of people don't do that. Yeah, I definitely also struggle with that. The way to do it is to one, I say this a lot, just use the information that you have. Stop with the narratives of we've had so much fun, oh, I haven't liked a guy this long in a while, or the sex is good or whatever, stop with that. That doesn't do you any good by singing his praises, reviewing all the things that you like

that you're gonna have a hard time giving up if you decide to move on from someone who hasn't been honest with you. You know? What you need to do is acknowledge what he did, ask yourself if this is what you want in a relationship, you can acknowledge the things that you like and say, well, that's good. And I want those things with someone else. But I don't think I should have to accept dishonesty just to have those other things I do like. And if you were

to make excuses for him or find reasons to forgive him for doing this, that's what you're doing. You are telling yourself that being made a priority or having someone honest with you is not a non-negotiable. It's just a preference that you have. Yeah, I didn't think of it like that. And you will show that, that's what you will be communicating to him with your actions if you go into that conversation

hoping that he can come up with an excuse that you can accept. Yeah. And that's kind of what you want to do. Yeah, I feel like before that's what I wanted to do, but now it makes sense. Okay. We feel good about this then. Yeah. Do you think we're not going to reach out now? Yeah, no, I just, I think I was already kind of disinterested, but I thought that like standing up for myself, the best would be like confronting him, but it makes sense that that's just not.

I think that, yeah, I mean, there's oftentimes doing that. Like if you were in a relationship with this guy, different story. Yeah. But since you're not, he has too many opportunities to kind of like turn around on you and kind of make you feel icky and weird. And I think the most powerful and empowering thing you can do is just simply stop reaching out to him and kind of make you feel icky and weird and I think the most powerful

and empowering thing you can do is just simply stop reaching out to him and kind of move on and see what he does. And quite honestly, you shouldn't say to yourself, let me see what he does, because that's your ego saying, well, let's see what he does, let's see if we're special. What I'd love for you to just simply say, you know, it's a huge bummer, I really liked this guy, you know, had some potential, but like what a dick move. And I just don't want, I don't wanna, I really liked this guy. It had some potential, but what a dick move.

And I just don't want, I don't wanna, I'm too young, I got too much life ahead of me, why would I waste my precious time investing in someone who already is doing this shit? Yeah. Don't reach out. If he does reach out, if he does come around and say, well, hey, I haven't heard from you in a while,

that's when you can, and maybe you let your roommate know. It's like, listen, I'm just not gonna hang out with him anymore because you don't want me to, I wanna respect you, your wishes. I'm having a hard time with this. Part of me honestly wants to tell him, but I'm not going to, I'm honestly just gonna like move on because like I don't want to preach the way he treated me.

But if he does ask why I moved on, like I'm not gonna lie. Like I don't wanna make up a story as to why I'm moving on. And I do have the right to move on. They can't ask you to stay in this thing just so he doesn't be revealed, you know what I'm saying? But you can say, I'm not gonna make up a story. So I hope you understand that.

I'll probably just let him know that, listen, I just heard you hooked up with someone else and I just don't wanna mess with you. You know? He's being a fuck boy. He's trying to have his cake and eat it too. I really would love for you and everyone listening, especially the ladies, but even the men,

when people show you who they are, just, especially, you know, and I'm not talking about like you know listen in your relationship people can make mistakes I'm not I'm not saying you know oh your boyfriend or girlfriend fucks up one's break up but this is not your boyfriend you've only been hanging out for two months and the fact that he has every opportunity to be honest to you and is still choosing to be dishonest with you says a lot about what he thinks of this potential relationship. It's not that important to him.

Yeah. So, sorry for the bad news. That's okay. I kind of needed it. All right, good. Okay, was this helpful? Yes, definitely. Great.

Yeah, so go onward in the dating world. You'll be fine. And like, listen, if someone doesn't wanna commit to a relationship, that's fine. But don't do the whole like, well, what, don't try to negotiate, well, it really is your boundaries, but don't try to negotiate a label. That's what it is.

I feel like that's very common, right? People are very resistant to boyfriend and girlfriend labels. So they're like, all right, well, okay, you don't wanna be my boyfriend. Are you willing to not hang out with anyone else? And you're like, oh, sure, you know, we can be exclusive. Like, I don't know why, you know, it's like this weird kind of negotiate.

It's just like, you know, first of all, being boyfriend and girlfriend is not that serious. You can break up. But like, so do you say, fine, if you're not ready to be my boyfriend, then I guess you're just not ready for a relationship. The only thing that works is the one thing all of y'all aren't willing to do.

And I say all of y'all is anyone who's willing to like, it's the people who really like someone and the person they like, it doesn't wanna be in a relationship. You guys just have to stop being afraid of that person not saying yes to you. When you're in these situations and you're trying to define a relationship,

you need to communicate to the guys you're hanging out with that your non-negotiables and the things that are important to you to have in a relationship are more important than them liking you. You know? Yeah. Because what's the point of having a boundary if the first time you like a guy,

you're willing to say, well, if you like me, I won't enforce this boundary. And that is what you and so many people do. And if all you said was, is well, okay, well, if you don't wanna respect my boundary, and that boundary again could be just not wanting to have sex without being committed to a relationship or not wanting to continue to act like a boyfriend and girlfriend

if they don't want to be your boyfriend or girlfriend. That's a boundary too, you know? And it doesn't do any good by saying, well, you act like my boyfriend. For the life of me, I do not understand why so many people out there will defend their actions to keep hanging out with someone who doesn't want to be in a committed relationship with them by claiming that they act like a boyfriend or girlfriend. defend their actions to keep hanging out with someone who doesn't wanna be in a committed relationship with them

by claiming that they act like a boyfriend or girlfriend. And I don't understand that because like what, I don't even A, know what that means. A lot of people go to movies together, a lot of people have dinner together, a lot of people play house together. People like to have companionship. You know, all of that is just companionship

without expectations. And who wouldn't want to have companionship without expectations if someone was to say, I'll hang out with whenever you want and I won't expect anything from you. Who's gonna say no to that? True. And so many people in your shoes

ultimately say that to people through their actions. And when they start negotiating their own boundaries, you can't do that. So you have to go in very confident with what do you want. When you start hanging out with someone and you start liking them, what do you want from them? And don't be afraid to say it. It is totally normal for you to want to be in a committed relationship. It is totally normal for you to go on a handful of dates like the person, especially if they think it's normal to expect you to take your clothes

off and have sex with them, that it's normal for you to ask them to be a boyfriend or girlfriend. I know it's 2024 and people might disagree because it's like, holy shit, boyfriend and girlfriend, but it is. And you have to believe that. And when you believe that, then you will say it with confidence.

And you will say it like, listen, this is what I want. If you don't wanna give it, that's totally fine, but I do. So my answer to anything else that you want is, I need this, this is what, you know, whatever it is they're asking, you need to ask yourself, what do you need in return? Yeah. And you need to know what your non-negotiables are.

And those should be, again, non-negotiable, which means you don't negotiate them. And you have to find out which of your boundaries are in fact non-negotiables. And you need to treat them as such. Okay. And you just decide what those are. Okay. Doesn't mean every guy is going to be obsessed with you, but you'll get information faster

and you will find out much sooner which guys are actually are serious about you. You'll waste less time. Now the flip side, the downside of that is your ego will be very disappointed because this will eliminate the opportunity for guys like him and other similar guys from flattering you with compliments and telling you the things that you want to hear or like to hear for the sake of, you know, hooking up or getting your pants or having you just hang out with them. So your ego will have less opportunities of feeling special from people who really don't care if you are in fact special, but they will tell you you are. That is a downside of that. But you will be protecting your heart because you won't be putting yourself in situations where it's very easy to be lied to and feel let on and things like that. Okay. All right. Yeah. Well, good luck out there.

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If you haven't yet, be sure to let them know that we sent you after you place your order, select podcast in the survey and select our show in the drop down menu that follows. How's it going? Good. My name is Mel. I'm 33 and I can't get past my fear of rejection. Okay. Where, how long have you past my fear of rejection. Okay, where how long have you

had this fear of rejection? I would say it's always been kind of ingrained as like a teen and whatnot, had a lot of social anxiety and fear of rejection and judgment. Did some work, went to counseling, kind of tried to push myself but the last relationship I was in I would say kind of increased that fear. We were together for about two years. This was about three years ago now, but he was visiting home and friends. We were living together at the time.

He left the city to go visit Prince and family. And we got into a bit of an argument when he was supposed to come home. And then he kind of just broke up with me over the phone and never came home. So he ghosted me for three or four days during that time I moved out. I could get barely any like conversation from him and then he came back like a month later but didn't really tell me. So I obviously caught wind. He's being super wishy washy about the whole thing said he wanted

to meet but didn't want to meet. Gave me an hour of his time because he already had plans to hang out with a friend. We got together. Obviously we had like some conversation. He said he was confused and really know where his head was at. Couldn't really give me an idea of why he just decided to break up with me over the phone. It felt very kind of out of nowhere. Was his name Devin?

I didn't really feel, he never like said that there were big problems or he was upset or what was going on with that. Anyway, so we had the conversation. He wanted to think about it over the weekend. We ended up having sex. I went home. The weekend comes, doesn't call me, doesn't text me. I text him. He says that he hasn't thought about it, but he would have sex again. So that was quite hurtful. Obviously I said that was his answer and he didn't want to be together anymore. Wait, you're like, you asked for like an update and he's like, well I don't really have an answer but do you want to have sex? Yeah, yeah. And we had been living together for almost a year at this point. So there is like a complete 180 in his behavior. How old is he? He was three years

older than me at the time. So 35, I think. So when you say you can't get over your fear of rejection, like how do you think that's affecting you today? What do you mean by that? Yeah, I think I've always had this fear, I think just develop because of the social anxiety. And then when I do get rejected, it kind of feeds that fear a bit where I'm like, see, see, it does hurt. It does hurt. You are going to get rejected kind of thing. So, um, and I think this, well, acknowledging that rejection hurts is not a bad thing per se. No. I mean, rejection does hurt, it sucks. You know, no one likes it, even if you're used to it.

You know, it sucks. You know, so just acknowledging that being rejected sucks and it's hurtful and it's upsetting, you can do that without, but like, well, you said something else, but like, it's just more like, do you assume you're always like always gonna get rejected? Almost, yeah, almost.

And I think now with dating, I just pull back a lot sooner than I would to avoid the rejection piece, which is frustrating. And then I can't figure out if it's like anxiety or I'm not feeling it or what it is at that point. You said you, you worked on it in the past. What does that mean? Yeah, I definitely have.

Like I've gone to counseling and done all those things. Um, I did counseling after that breakup, just cause it was a bit of a, or a wind and didn't really understand what exactly happened, but, um but I haven't been back to counseling in a couple years. Because I do know at the end of the day, I just have to keep pushing through that fear. But it's not easy. Maybe not to have you relive it, but what does your gut tell you why he broke up with you?

Like if you had to guess without sparing your feelings. I obviously he fell out of love, but it was so complicated because he, like I said, stayed in a different city, didn't come home, you know, started posting another girl, obviously, a week later after we had sex. So it's hard not to think maybe there was another relationship or he just wasn't happy, sold his house within the month of us breaking up. So he just did not communicate his feelings at all. And I think looking back, that's a huge red flag. He could not express himself.

And I didn't realize he was that unhappy. Was that a norm in the relationship? Not expressing himself. Oh, the way, what the behavior describing is alarming, I guess, but it's, but like, did it drastically change? Or was he always kind of a guy who wasn't great with communicating his feelings, wasn't really good communicating at all,

but generally was there and available and around, and you just took that as good enough. Yeah, I think I took it as good enough. I think he didn't communicate his feelings very well. I would communicate to him, he seemed like he would listen and like be open, but I mean I would have, try to have those conversations like is there anything you're upset with? Like do you want to move back to your hometown? Like where, Where's your head at? And it was always like, oh, we'll come up. It's not important right now. I don't have any negative feelings about the

situation. So it's not something we need to really talk about. And I'd be like, okay. I just trusted that he would come to me when he needed to to have those conversations, but he didn't. Well, I mean, I will say, you know, just a guess out here, like that's how your fear of rejection could be affecting you in relationships. Yeah, now for sure. I wouldn't like a hundred percent put it on him, but now it's just kind of like-

No, but to be clear that you said you've had this fear of rejection prior to him, yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you've been avoidant, and I don't know if it's a tattoo, but when you've been in these situations, it sounds like, let me know if I'm not getting this right, but in this relationship, even when things weren't bad,

there were situations where you felt like you were trying to communicate with him. You were trying to understand him, be on the same page, whatever it was. You felt the need to say, hey, can we talk? Or you had questions to ask and he never really gave you anything. And you just accepted that instead of,

I'm guessing in the moment your instincts told you, kind of a lame answer, but I guess. But you avoid pushing back because, you know, it's like, maybe I don't want the truth. I don't know, maybe that was a reason. Yeah. But like, you know, but that's also human nature. Again, no one, that's a pretty common thing.

Yeah, no, that makes sense. I mean, I guess how much of a fear of rejection do you have compared to the average person? I would say a little bit more than above average. It definitely stops me from pursuing relationships. I haven't had a lot of serious relationships in my life, I think, because of that fear. What has rejection done to you? I think I just get very sad and then I I kind of I guess let me rephrase.

How has being rejected altered your life that you haven't been able to recover from? Yeah, I guess it's not like I've moved on for sure. Very on doing what I'm supposed to be doing. Yeah, I mean, listen, I don't know how to get you over your fear of rejection per se. Yeah. I don't like rejection. I you over your fear of rejection, per se. I don't like rejection. I have a lot of experience with it, both like at work and in life.

I don't like it. But for me, I've always just kind of like, won't kill you. And yeah, I guess it's just never stopped me from going after what I want. Yeah. I don't know how to relay that on to you. Yeah. No, I think it's one of those things that you just have to keep pushing forward and like, I guess, challenging the fear, as they say.

How long ago this relationship been? Three years ago. Three years ago. Okay. And so since then, you've just been kind of what? I've like dated a little bit. Is it something you still think about, this relationship ending? It's like, I don't think about him. Like I know I'm done with that,

but it's that feeling of being like so easily thrown away that sticks with me. Well, there's two ways to answer that question. One, you don't know how easy it was or wasn't for him. Yeah. Two, but that's really kind of less important because like it doesn't really matter. I mean it really at that point it's really just your ego like you were hard to get over. I mean I guess like does that do anything for you today? If you like if you found out that in

truth this was a very painful decision with him. He didn't know how to handle it. Maybe he made every poor decision and his actions came across as insincere, but the truth was it was the most miserable time of his life breaking up with you. Would that do anything for you today? Probably not.

Okay, yeah. The sad truth is it is like, yeah, people move on from other people all the time. Feelings do change. Totally, yeah. The sad truth is, it is like, yeah, people move on from other people all the time. Feelings do change. Totally, yeah. And that can be scary. And if you have your heart broken, you know, like it sucks knowing, you know, it's like, man, I could, I can get into another relationship,

invest in somebody for three or four years, and then find out once again that they're not my person. That sucks. Yeah. And I know that feeling. And I've gone through those thought processes in the past. It really just is changing your perspective, I guess. Yeah, yeah. How old are you again?

33. 33, you look great, you're young. What do you want for yourself? I would love to have a family and kids and that lifetime partner so Well, it feels like the clock's ticking. I Understand, you know, I don't but you're still pretty young Yeah, not dating anyone isn't getting you what you want. Yeah, that's true, you know, but that's you know

That's why I asked and so like I guess I'm just trying to I'm just spitballing with you here But because what you when I said, what do you want, you didn't say to never be hurt ever again. Right. Yeah, that wasn't your answer. It was, I would like, I would love to have a family. Well, there's a couple of different ways, you know, a few different ways you can have a family.

I'm guessing that having a family is around kids, right? You know? Yeah. And listen, obviously when you think about having a family, you think about the possibility of having kids with someone that you can grow old with and raise together, but like you can't predict the future. Yeah.

You know? I think that's a bit of that anxiety control thing where I just can't, I just wanna know, you know? What has control gotten you to this point? Uh, nowhere. Yeah, I just have to let go. When you're out there, when you're living your life and you're just actively avoiding dating,

what are you thinking about when you're doing that? What do you mean? What's going through your mind when you are not putting yourself out there? I don't know. I just think it's just easier to avoid and easier to continue on with what you know is comfortable and like, Which is what, what is comfortable for you?

Not putting myself out there. But what you want isn't to grow old alone, right? Yeah, I know. I think that the fear of not having a family is stronger than the fear of rejection. Well, that's good. I think it's just sometimes I just keep putting it off. It's just easier, but I just keep getting older.

So I think it's something that I just have to keep pushing myself to do. But is it really easier? Hmm. I don't know. Did you go to therapy after this last guy? Yeah. Yeah.

And what did, what did you get from that? In all honesty, my therapist was a bit, she wasn't the greatest. And it's like, I think for me, it was just, I needed time to heal during that time. And I wasn't ready for the healing So I think now that that's kind of done. I'm over him But now I have this like anxiety around rejection I think it's probably time to go back to therapy and just kind of work through that piece Yeah, versus focusing on the relationship aspect. Yeah, it just sounds like this last relationship fucked you up a little bit.

Yeah. What I want to say is that you need to get over it. Yeah, oh, for sure, for sure. That's not very sensitive of me. No, and it's something I tell myself all the time. It's just like, for some reason, it's like the brain just keeps going back to the hurt instead of the healing part.

Why do you think that is? I don't know, to be honest. I mean, it could be just what you're comfortable with. Yeah. When you think about that situation, and it sounds like you do from time to time, what comes to mind? Just a lot of anger. About what? I think, and sadness, just how I was treated. And I think because I was so invested in trying to make it work, I wasn't able to because I was so invested in trying to make it work, I wasn't able to stand up for myself and recognize the gas lighting or the stonewalling and just the disrespect. I think that piece, I hold onto a little bit. I wish I stood up for myself a little bit more.

Well, you won't have another opportunity to stand up for yourself unless you get in the game. Yeah. Yeah. That's a good point. And I think, you know, it's great that you recognized some past behaviors that you put up within the past, but I think if I feel like instead of acknowledging what happened and then trying to learn from that, it almost sounds like you're just, I don't know, either using is it as a way to make you feel worse about the situation or criticize yourself emotionally. Yeah, I think it kind of gives me an excuse, I think, to maybe avoid dating.

I don't know, I don't know. Something I definitely have to look at. I mean, I always thought like, as soon as I meet someone, those feelings of the past relationship would go away. Like I just feel like I could move on, but it's hard. The dating world is not great either. So I think that kind of also is a little bit of a challenge. Yeah, no, it's not.

It's not great out there, but I don't think we're doing anything to help ourselves in dating. Yeah. I talked to a lot of people like you and it just like, sometimes I don't think we're doing anything to help ourselves in dating. Yeah. You know, I talked to a lot of people like you and it just like sometimes I'm like, have you ever listened to an episode or like what? It says, you know, I'm joking, but like we just hang on to when people disappoint us a little, you know, we seem so resistant to learning from situations

that affected us and and and using them to help us in future situations. But it sounds like you haven't like what I'm worried for you is you haven't really fully dealt with it and even if you met a guy you're gonna bring in all that baggage in your next relationship as opposed to just saying this happened to me and it sucked, but it did. And then try to be, what did I learn from it? Part of it is this like acknowledging that it hurt you, acknowledging that it wasn't okay

that you were treated that way without judging yourself for it happening. And I think that's what we do sometimes is like, well, this happened to me. And then your ego's like, you're stupid and why this happened to you and how could this happen to me? How did I let this happen to me? And then you start asking yourself all these questions.

You start thinking to yourself, well, I need to answer these questions. And the only person I get answers from is this person. And this person isn't available and doesn't wanna give me the time and acts inconvenience to giving answers. And when I do try to talk to them, they don't really say anything.

But the truth is like, they don't really have any answers for you. The answer is, he broke up with you because he just didn't appreciate you anymore. And when he stopped appreciating you, I don't know when he fell out of love with you, I don't know who God only knows what was going on in his life.

But like he just, his feelings changed. And yes, that is scary to know that people's feelings can change. But you even pointed out that there were behaviors in the relationship you chose to ignore and look the other way and didn't trust your instincts or your gut. Yeah.

You know, and if nothing else, dating right now, maybe when you start dating, you don't put more on your plate than you can handle. Maybe dating at first is just to get out there, just to get comfortable with it. Honestly, think of it as practice. You still might meet the love of your life, but if you go in thinking,

I'm really just looking for opportunities to read people, trust, get asking questions, things like that. Just learn about people without putting the pressure on, I need to find someone before I'm 35 because my biological clock is ticking. Yeah. You know, that's a bit daunting when you frame it like that. Yeah.

You know, maybe it's just that. Telling yourself that you can't handle rejection, you're not over your past relationships, you can't date until you do. What is that doing for you? Yeah, that makes sense. And I think, I don't know, the biggest takeaway I had from this conversation is I asked, what do you want for your life? You said, I'd love to have a family and a life partner.

You didn't say, is to never be rejected again. Because if your answer was to never be rejected again, I'm like, all right, well, you're doing a good job. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. But since that isn't your goal, and your goal is to have a family, and listen, you're almost certainly gonna get your heart broken in the future.

Almost certainly. Maybe you'll get over it, maybe you'll be able to forgive, work through it, I don't know. Or maybe you'll have another crushing loss in your relationship, you know, 10 years from now. Yeah. But it's, you got to live your life. Yeah. You know, and you got to take the good with the bad. And when you're high, you've got to appreciate that high and knowing and without, without being paranoid, know that like, listen, this one, this won't last forever. And when you're low, you have to also recognize that this won't last forever. Yeah. And when you're low, you got to try to figure out what you can learn from it to help you in the future. And when you're high, you have to try to appreciate

what you have without taking it for granted. If you think you can benefit from therapy, get into therapy, you know, work through this and then like, you know, just try to get out there. Yeah. I mean, at the end of the day, I need to do some this and then like, you know, just try to get out there. Yeah. I mean, at the end of the day, I need to do some more work. Clearly I didn't think I was this caught up in it, but. What prompted you to reach out? I had heard my ex was now either married or was engaged to the same girl that he had met like right after our relationship.

So I think I just got a bit emotional. Okay, fair. What did that make you feel? How did you feel? I think at this age, you see a lot of people getting into relationships, getting married, having kids and not having that. I think just it's a shitty feeling.

Yeah, so you gotta try, you really gotta stop comparing yourself. Easier said than done. No, I know, but I'm looking at someone who's a very attractive person, has in a great age, you know, like there would be plenty of guys who'd want to date you. Not sure if you want to date those same guys. I'm confident in saying that if you wanted to have a boyfriend, you could find one. It's just how you're picking these guys, you know? How much of it is based off of validating yourself rather than finding someone who's very nurturing

or considerate or you feel like they're, you feel like you're on the same page. I feel like I understand this person, not hoping you do and assuming you, listening to your gut, you know? There's, and that's the thing. I think sometimes, listen, there's no doubt that dating world's hard out there.

You're not, you know, I wish I had answers for it. Sometimes I feel like a failure that I, you know, I'm out here for five years offering people's relationship advice and it feels like the daily landscapes only got worse. Not that it was like my job or I, you know, I don't think that highly of myself that I could make some major impact,

but dating culture has truly gotten worse and worse and worse and worse. And I don't see that highly of myself that I could make some major impact. But dating culture has truly gotten worse and worse and worse and worse. And I don't see it getting any better because our society isn't promoting values that promote healthy relationships. Because our society promotes individualism and main character and it feels good, do it. And it's all about you, you, you, you, you,

and not about partnership and sacrifice and things like that, and dating. Totally. But I don't think we should give up. But despite all the pessimism around dating, you, like every other person I talk to, there's things you can do differently. There's things you can improve.

And until you master those, there's no point in you feeling sorry for yourself about the things that you can't control. You can't control the dating landscape. You can't control how challenging it is. You can't control all the shitty options of men out there. Then that sucks.

It can be discouraging. But there are a lot of things that you aren't doing correctly, you're not trusting your gut, you're leading with your ego, and all the things you hear me talk about all the time, you know. You're not getting out there, you're spending more time thinking about him and investing your emotional and mental energy into that relationship that's three years past than just willing to invest your energy in literally anyone else at the risk that they might hurt your feelings.

Yeah, no, that's a good perspective. But what is one more person rejecting you matter? Who cares a shit? Yeah. And like, you know, you can't, you don't know anything about his relationship with, you have no idea how happy or unhappy this guy is. Yeah.

Why he's getting married or not, you know. Yeah. And maybe the answer is like, you know, he's, they're a better match, more compatible, or maybe he's just, this is just something he just did because, you know, she pressured him a little bit better than you, I don't, you know, who knows? Yeah.

And I do feel like in my heart, that's fine. Like looking back, too many red flags. I don't want to be with someone like that. It's just the way he treated me at the end, unfortunately kind of ingrained inside me a little bit. What did it ingrain? Like not, that sounds a little weird, but just. Well, I mean, it's true.

It just hurt. It definitely stuck on it. It affected you and it's three years ago and it's still. Yeah. Bucking with you. Yeah, totally. You act and talk as if how he treated you at the end of your relationship defines you as a person.

Yeah, you definitely nailed it. And I have to let that go because I think that's what it is. It's like the ego and like, well, why do you think it's said about you? That I'm just not good enough. That's how I process it and what plays in my head. Do you believe that? I shouldn't, no. Especially with that situation, like that was not fair or needed or justified at all. So no, I shouldn't. So why can't you kind of just project, even if it's just like out loud or in the mirror,

being like, no, I don't deserve to be treated that way. And this is everything about him and nothing about me. Sure, I can work on being a better partner. Sure, I'm sure I've made mistakes in this relationship. You can say all those things to yourself, right? Certainly you could have trusted your gut better and you could have not overlooked red flags. That's how you could help yourself out, but how he treated you.

Even when you say it, he treated me a certain way. The way people treat people is a reflection of who they are not of yeah who they how they you know yeah that's true I think I got some work to do do you think you can start changing your thought process yeah I think I would like to that's for sure or like all your friends married or something yeah for the most. Do you live in a big city, small city? Medium, medium city. Have you done anything? I think one, maybe like getting some new single friends

could help. Yeah, I could try. It's hard making friends when you get to a certain age, I feel like, I mean. It is, but it's not impossible. I've made a lot of friends after 33. Yeah, I do have like a couple. The way to do that is to change your habits.

Yeah. Change your interests, try new things, you know? Yeah. Join a club, join a sports thing. Just get out of your comfort zone. I started making new friends, like when I move, I'm not saying you should move either, but like switching jobs, moving, taking a risk,

you know, going on a TV show. Like I just started making, I got to, when I was, when I was your age, but literally, when I was like around your age, I broke up with my girlfriend, all my other friends got engaged to theirs. And I had thought about maybe making some moves, you know, in my life, I didn't,

cause I was comfortable with my life. I was comfortable hanging out with all my friends. And I just loved my comfortable life in Milwaukee. But then all of a sudden I was just like, I'm literally just, everyone else is getting married and I'm just like, I feel like I'm finally gonna have, I'm gonna move. And then I moved and I got a new job,

made some new friends. And then I got this opportunity to go on the bachelor. I said yes to that, right? But I just started saying yes to risks and started like, you know, taking a chance on things and started kind of yoloing it and thought to myself, like, you know, it's for the adventure. I started changing my, you know, when I was in my 20s,

I talk about this a lot, my whole life was centered around finding my life partner. I had this great example of what love was for my parents. You know, I grew up in a very large family. And so as soon as I graduated college, or before I even graduated college, I started like, it was, I needed to find a life partner and I needed to find my wife and we needed to have kids

because that meant everything about whether I was gonna be successful or a failure in life. Yeah. But finally I just kind of got over that. And I thought to myself, well, that thought process hasn't really got me anywhere, you know? Yeah, for sure. I'm gonna stop telling myself I have to find someone.

I will find someone. I don't know when. I started just telling myself that. I just... Yeah. And again, I understand that, you know, biological clock, it was easier for me to have that conversation by myself

than maybe someone like yourself. But 33 is not 47. And I know, my mom did have a baby at 47, so there's that. Again, everyone's different, but freeze your eggs too. There's things you can do. I mean, you have options, right? So it's really changing your perspective. One, stop making your whole,

your entire identity about whether you can find a husband and have kids. Maybe this is an opportunity to invest more in yourself. Be a little bit more selfish, you know? Take classes you talked about taking before. Be more adventurous, invest in friends, put yourself out there, you know? Get out of your comfort zone.

I don't know what that looks like, but just try different things. out there, you know, get out of your comfort zone. I don't know what that looks like, but just try different things. You know, you'll get used to saying yes to things that you're used to saying no things before because your priorities have changed. And your priority is more like, I just wanna be more of a adventurous risk taker right now.

I'm open to dating, I wanna date, I wanna find someone for sure, but I just don't know when that's going to happen. It's outside of my control a little bit, right? Be open to making friends. And then as you make new and single friends, hopefully they introduce you more people, more risk opportunities come up, you know, see what happens. But right now you're just kind of sitting in this pain that this guy caused you. And since you're making everything about finding this life partner or not,

you're just like, you're afraid to even try and you're putting too much pressure on yourself about this whole situation. Try to take the pressure off, I guess. Yeah, no pressure. That definitely makes sense. I think right now you're stuck in a rut. Because right now you probably, your ego probably wants to validate the fact that for the past three years, you'd be kind of feeling sorry for yourself. Yeah. So what does your ego do?

Your ego thinks of justifiable reasons of why it was okay for you to do what you did the past three years. Yeah. And so instead of finding solutions, you're actually looking for problems. Why this sucks for me, why this is unfair, or why I don't deserve this,

why I can't do this, why I can't do that. You're thinking of all the, you know, excuses. You need to start being a solution person. Problem solver. Everything is just a problem that you get to solve. How do I solve this problem? And that's, I want you to, I want you to change your mindset versus validating your choices versus solving your problems. And right, you just haven't been a problem solver lately. Okay, yeah. Try that. No, I think that's helpful, to be honest.

These are just new problems. And your problem isn't finding a husband or having kids. You know, that's just a long-term goal. Yeah. So if your problem is, well, one of your problems is, all my friends are married and have kids. Okay, how do I solve that problem? All right, well, I need to make new friends.

Well, how do I solve that problem? All right, well, I need to make new friends. Well, how do I solve that problem? All right, well, I can't keep doing the same thing over and over again. Sitting in my apartment won't do anything. Going over to my married friend's houses and talking about their lives isn't gonna solve my problem. I'm gonna have to get out of my comfort zone. I'm gonna have to do things I'm not used to doing.

I'm gonna have to put myself in slightly uncomfortable and vulnerable situations, but that's okay. And tell yourself rejection is okay. It's fine. It's it's will not kill you. It has not killed you yet. It will never kill you. You will always get over it. It's a little bit of a bruise of the ego. You know, listen, not everyone's obsessed with you. It's fine. Yeah. You're not for everyone. That's okay. You know, that's okay. Yeah. You know? That's okay. Yeah. You probably spent a lot of time trying to get people

to accept you who had no business accepting you. Yeah. But you've been doing it because you're trying to prove something to yourself maybe. For sure. I think it's just like changing the perspective and having like a different view, I think has definitely helped

and like problem solve solutions, that kind of stuff, it has been helpful. Stop accepting being stuck. That's what you have accepted that a little bit. And you have felt a little sorry for yourself. And you just say, stop it. Yeah, totally. I agree.

So jump into therapy, try it out. Make sure that you are responding to your therapist. If you've done five sessions and you're not thinking, this is good, I'm really getting some out of this. I feel better leaving therapy than I did going in to find a new therapist. Doesn't mean they're a bad therapist, maybe they're not your therapist.

But like, you should, after like five sessions, it's not gonna solve all your problems, but you should feel, you should just leave therapy being like, I'm glad I did that. I feel less anxious. I feel a little bit more free. Feel a little bit more adventurous.

I feel like a lot lighter than I did an hour ago. That should be a regular occurrence in therapy. And even if that's it, that could just be you venting and feel seen and heard. Like that doesn't mean they solved all your problems. It just, they gave you a little bit perspective or maybe got you out of a rut. Yeah, I think a little more insight is always helpful.

All right. For sure. All right. Okay, keep your head up. Hey, thank you. Okay. All right, good luck. All right, bye.

Thanks for listening guys. Don't forget to send in your questions at asknickoftheballfiles.com. For all things Ask Nick, texting office hours. We'll see you tomorrow for a reality recap. Bye!