The Viall Files - E816 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend Keeps Me Private

Episode Date: September 30, 2024

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! We start off the episode with a deep analysis of “dating emojis.” Then we get to our callers…  Our first caller has complicated feelings about calling off an engagement to her DJ boyfriend. Our second caller hates her boyfriend's new friends. And, our third caller’s boyfriend won’t post her on any social media platforms.   “You're in a relationship with a guy who’s unable to make you comfortable and secure.” Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice, send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Altoids - Find Altoids In The Check-Out Aisle! Grab Your Tin Today!  BetterHelp - Visit https://BetterHelp.com/VIALL today to get 10% off your first month. Grammarly- Download Grammarly for FREE at https://grammarly.com/PODCAST  Hinge - Get on Hinge today to start turning good convos into great dates! Life360 - Family proof your family with Life360’s Tile Trackers. Visit https://tile.com today and use code VIALL to get 15% off. Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @justinkaphillips @dereklanerussell @kymccarthy23 @allisonklemes

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Grab your tin today. What's going on everybody? Welcome back to another exciting episode of the Vile Files Ask Nick edition. I'm your host Nick, joined by sweet boy Justin. And boy, do we have an exciting week for you. We got some great callers for you as well. We got Gina from Real Housewives of OC with us tomorrow for Reality Recap. We have country star Nate Smith with us on Thursday and so much more stuff to get into. Plus maybe we'll even have different guests and more guests as well.

Who knows? It's too early to tell. We move fast here at The Vowel Files. Anyways, what do we get into before we get to our calls, Justin? Well, so I have a question for you first. What's the most used emoji on your phone? It's either like the fist pump or like I do like the hand flip guy. Okay. And like a little sass, thumbs up maybe.

I mean, I guess I could just look and tell you. Tell me what the most used one is. So the first one that shows up. I think the one that shows up first is the most recent. Yeah. I just responded to Nellie with 100 because I was just agreeing with her on something. What's your most flirtiest emoji that's in the recent used? I mean, the red heart I use a lot.

Okay. Hands and face. Okay. I use is the flirty, sexing emoji. The flirty, sexing emoji is the most popular emoji that people use. I mean, the red heart, I use it a lot. Hands and face. I always used to use the smirk a lot. You know, like the smirk, right? Oh, and then I use the, if I'm being ignored. Like the emphasize. The up arrow.

I'm like, hey, motherfucker, I sent this. I use that a lot. Okay. So you use emojis. Well, I was asking because there was an article published that basically dissected dating emojis. So the most popular emojis that people use while flirting, texting, sexting, whatever it may be and like what they mean, like symbolism-wise. So I thought we'd go through 10 of them just to kind of test what you think it is and then what it's claimed to be.

Like via dating. Via dating. Like if I were to send it someone in a dating situation on a dating app, you're telling me what this article says, I should know what it means to people receiving it. Yeah, so I'm gonna ask you what you think and then I'm gonna compare it to what the article says. Okay. The first one, the iconic wink emoji.

Oh, I mean, it's playful. Okay. It means like we're on the same page. Okay. Like, ha ha, it's like inside joke. I would agree, I would agree. Well, so this says, sprinkling a winky emoji here and there is guaranteed to signal to your crush that you're flirting hard. For example, so this says, sprinkling a winky emoji here and there is guaranteed to signal to your crush

that you're flirting hard. For example, regular sentence like, what are you doing? I'm going to bed. Can't wait to see you. Are instantly transformed into something serious, flirting once the emoji is placed into it. Why would you include a wink

if it was like, I can't wait to see you wink? It's like- Because it's flirty instead of like, I just can't wait to see you. I feel like I can't wait to see you is a pretty direct. I think so too, but it adds like the flirtatious like fun nature of it. Next one, heart emojis.

Oh, I heart emojis, different than a heart emoji. Sorry, yeah, I heart emojis, two I hearts. Means I think you're beautiful. Like stunning, hot, gorge. Yeah, valid. Yeah, so this says, the hard eyes may border on the side of being slightly too much or too played out,

but no one is really using this emoji with full sincerity. This love-struck little guy always feels a little tug-in-cheek, which makes it a perfect option for conveying, OMG, you're so hot and I've got such a crush on you, without actually saying it. What is this article, how does it feel about emojis in general?

It says that they're playful. Like people should be using them to spice up the conversation and convey tone. People have a lot of different and strong opinions about emojis. Yes, because they also are misleading a lot of the time. But I understand why people use them because again, like context is often lost via text. You know where I struggle with? Not to like veer from the topic. Yeah.

Exclamation points. Like when someone emphasizes your message. Well, some feedback I get from time to time is that I can come across as either intimidating or curt. And so I can be sensitive to that feedback. And then when I'm texting someone, most people I text, I text people I know. I sometimes will add extra like exclamation point to like show enthusiasm

But then I feel like I'm sound like a 16 year old girl. Like why am I excited about every sentence? Why not? Why not be excited? No, I mean, it's fine. I've been I've been I've been struggling with this plight for a long time now Okay, you're afraid that someone's gonna see you as a 16 year old girl Well, it's just like the emoji. This is like I should can I just end a sentence with a period? That's true. I mean, I have heard a lot of people, you know when you do the colon and then the parentheses? So not an emoji, but like the old-fashioned

like text version of like a smiley face. So a lot of people say the same thing that a lot of people have anxiety of ending a message on a period, so they throw in the colon parentheses, that's similar. Gotcha. Anyways, the next one, this is an interesting one as well that kind of has no clarity, but the ghost emoji. Never used it. Never used it either. But in the next one, this is an interesting one as well that kind of has no clarity, but the ghost emoji.

Never used it. Never used it either. But in the dating context, what would you think that would mean? He ghosted me. Valid, which I would think too. This claims that if used correctly, he definitely has a flirty side.

If used correctly? What man knows how to do that? Some, I don't know. Okay, anyways. If a man is using a ghost emoji, I'm sure they have a purpose for the emoji, right? But, so it says he's got his wink on, tongue in a waggle, think of him as a more playful,

slightly more mysterious wink emoji option. So like the ghost is the mysterious wink. Okay. Yeah, I wouldn't use it, but next one is the eye emoji. So the eye is looking to the side. That's just more like, can you believe it? Oh my, oh shot, oh, tea maybe even like, tea, tea's just more like, can you believe it? Oh my Oh shot. Oh, T maybe even like T T surprise.

Yeah. You believe that you're on it. So this claims no one knows exactly what the emoji means, but there's an underlying sexual energy to it. Sexual. Yeah. Like, so when you look at something like, like T or like if they say, like I'm excited to see you, you like put the emojis.

I just didn't realize there'd be sexual. This is all sexual No, they're not all sexual. Okay, just dating in general next one the purple devilish smiley face Run through me all the devilish faces for me Okay, cuz I honestly feel like there's more than because the smile is like I guess you know I feel like that means you want to fuck your bad intentions, you know bad good, you know, certainly So there's a smiley face and then upside down devil face. So like a sad face I feel like that means you wanna fuck. And you have bad intentions. You know, bad but good, you know, certainly. So there's a smiley face and then upside down devil face.

So like a sad face. Oh. So it's just- What would that be for? I think the- Like a mad devil. Yeah, the mad devil versus like the sexy devil. I mean, the sexy devil I feel like is like,

you're expressing some freak. Yes, 100%. So this says, nothing says I'm flirting with you more than a little bit of this mischievous emoji. Even if you're not saying anything outwardly sexual, tacking one of these bad boys is sure to send the message that you're in a naughty mood. Next one, the blushy kissy face. You're flattered. Okay. I'm assuming you would send that as a response to someone who made you feel a certain way and you want to reciprocate that feeling. Do you think it's like a serious reciprocation

or is it more like demure? It's an emoji, there's nothing serious about an emoji. Valid, valid. Well this claims, this one claims that this blushy kissy face emoji is lower stakes than your classic kissy face with a heart. She's casual, she's cool. Yeah, it's like do you like me or do you love me? Maybe?

Yeah, there you go. Step one, not step two. Okay, next one. So the pleading I'm begging for you emoji. So the watery eyes emoji. How many watery eyes emojis are there? I think there's a couple. There's one that's crying. There's one that has teardrops. Yeah, I don't know if I'd ever have a place to use this because I feel like this is not the like this isn't the cry Emoji that you're like sad. No, this isn't happy sad. Yeah. Okay. I feel like there's a happy sad one There is a happy sense a sad sad and I also feel like in a sad sad situation You definitely shouldn't send a fucking emoji. No, no, no, no, it's like, oh, sorry your dad died emoji Yeah, that would be pretty toned up because this-sad. Well, so this compares this emoji.

So this is the, you said sad-sad, but this is saying that it's similar to the I'm baby memes. So playing into the I'm innocent, that I can be taken care of, it's a subtle way of flirting. So like when people say like, I'm just a girl. That's flirting? Yeah, so this is like the demure,

like I'm cutesy, I'm shy. Next one, the smirk. Yeah, sass,ass sass in general just a little bit of sass a little attitude a little like I'm sorry, you know or like you know or like clever means clever clever Yeah, so it says the smirking face emoji is the way to go if you're trying to see how mischievous the other person is maybe use whenever there's a feeling of friendly competition involved or when you're daring someone to do something. So like, I dare you to send a nude. Smirk emoji.

Because it shows you're like enjoying it. Like you know it was a naughty question. So is it better to go smirk or devil smirk? Is there a devil smirk? I think there's a devil smirk. There's only two devil emojis. Oh, okay. Would you go devil nude or would you go...

This is more a question for the ladies. Right. Ladies don't ask for nudes, do they? I don't know. That's a good question. Yeah, maybe not. They'd find someone, sure. Yeah. I do think the devil emoji you use, like, after witching hours.

Like, if the sun is up, don't throw the devil, use a smirk. Okay. Next one, the stars. Fuck if I know. So this one says this baby adds a little mystique to literally anything you want to say these stars don't mean anything in particular But they add a little sparkle and a little of who is she to the otherwise run-of-the-mill combo My two cents the fact that they even say that really means nothing means you probably shouldn't use it I mean I use this one not for dating though. It's cute. Like just got back from the grocery store, stars.

I guess for more me, I'm speaking on me. You have a certain aesthetic. I can see why, but I guess if this is a note for the boys. For the boys. Texting the ladies. I don't know if you ever really need a sparkle. Yeah, I would say that this one's a little more feminine maybe.

Yeah, I would say if I received this emoji from a lady, I would take it as artsy. Artsy. Demure. Demure, cutesy. Cutesy. I agree. Yeah, colorful.

Okay, final one for today, but a very obvious one, I think. The peach booty. You might see that ass. Okay. All right. What would you think any other interpretation may be? I don't think there is one. Okay, valid. Well, this one claims,

whether you're talking about your own body or your crushes, the peach emoji is a playful way to bring up bodies and sex without being creepy. It will essentially take your flirting to the next level. Just remember to assess whether it seems appropriate to take things to the next level, of course. I don't think using an emoji ever eliminates your chances of being creepy. You don't think so? No. So you think it makes you more creepy?

No, I just think you have to read the situation for what it is and you have to ask yourself, is this person going to want me to ask or say or do the very thing that I'm thinking of doing it? And I don't think an emoji is going to improve your chances. Okay. It can hurt your chances. Like short of, again, I think from a tone standpoint, in terms of making sure this an emoji is gonna improve your chances. It can hurt your chances. Like short of, again, I think from a tone standpoint, in terms of making sure this person knows

that you're being playful or sexual or just excited, it's supposed to look like a curt message. I think it adds color there, but I don't think it's creep protection. Okay, valid. Do you think using emojis while dating makes you seem less mature? Potentially. Okay. Let. Do you think using emojis while dating makes you seem less mature? Potentially.

Okay. Let me ask you. Do you think there's an age limit to emojis? I don't, but I think the meaning behind emojis change. Like, instead of sending a heart emoji, a red heart emoji, someone older might send like the three and the greater than sign. I do like the pink double heart for some reason. That one's cutesy and demure. Yeah, I haven't used it in a while, but it's nice. It's a nice alt.

You should spice up your text by just, there's like a text to speech function where you just text in a word and then it gives you an emoji and just send whatever it is. The last word of any sentence you send, just send an emoji. Should try that. Is that how I can communicate with you guys? Yeah, just in emojis.

Well, let us know what you think of emojis in the comments. Do you use them? Do you like them? Have you had a bad experience with them? Should you be using them? What do you have to say? Also sending your questions at asknick at the vilefiles.com for all things Ask Nick, texting office hours, you know the drill.

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let's get to our callers. How's it going? I'm Madison. I'm 26 and I called off my engagement about a month ago and I'm just wondering if I made the right call. Why did you call it off? There was a variety of reasons, but the main one was there was kind of a big blow up that was one of several, but it just kind of felt like the last straw. And then I kind of was able to like take a step back and Realized that I was giving a lot more than I was receiving and it just didn't feel right anymore And then why you second-guessing yourself because I do

Love him a lot and I really did think that we are going to spend the rest of our lives together He's like obviously now in panic mode trying to improve trying to do all these things I asked for that he didn't do before How long you guys together for two and a half years? Okay, so like give me I guess give me specifics here like how unappreciated did you feel? What are you trying to get him to work on I? Was kind of the breadwinner in the relationship. He's freelance, so he didn't really make very much money. I would pay for us to go out. I pretty much paid for most of our expenses.

That seems more like a pet peeve. Is that okay? You didn't like that. I hear you on that. Okay, but what else? He definitely had a really bad temper. There was a time where he, Tom Schwartz style, threw a drink at me. There was a time a couple months ago where he like fired a TV remote at the wall. And I said like, if you ever do anything violent like that ever again, I'm out. So he's reactive.

Yes, definitely. And then the final straw is it had been my birthday a few days prior. And I had like this giant, this is kind of silly, but I had this giant slab cake and I was like trying to cut a piece off of it and accidentally dropped it onto the floor. And he accused me of like being manipulative and like trying to make him feel sad for me because I had a bad birthday. And that was kind of what escalated the like final argument. And that felt like delusional to you I'm guessing? Yeah, absolutely. Because why would I drop my own birthday cake on the ground on purpose? I mean that's the thing is he would have to think you're in a

manipulative part like where did that come from? Well that's kind of what I said and I now he has said like obviously I don't think that you're gonna feel a little like that But that was kind of what set it off for me was if you think I'm capable of that then why are you with me? Good question So if I'm hearing you right Engagement or not you had a long-term boyfriend. Yeah, and I'm hearing that your your relationship Like many before you had its pros and its cons. But after you got engaged, obviously that makes things more real, and you started paying

attention to the cons a little bit more maybe than in the past, and the cons started adding up, and you decided that this wasn't for you. And I'm guessing you tried to communicate your frustrations while you're in the relationship, nothing really changed and then you broke up with him and now he's actually trying to do the things that he always said he would but never did when you were together? Yeah, exactly. Okay. Well, if that is the case then you know what you're feeling now, I don't know if it's regret as much as just the hope that he actually might change. And the fear of missing out on the best version of him

if he were to change. Yeah, for sure. And then also just like having had like a whole life plan and we also are like really, really part of the same social circles and have all the same friends. We go out together pretty frequently so it feels like letting go of like a whole life. Well I've been in your shoes before. I've broken up with people where we shared best friends. That definitely makes it harder. The advantage you have in this scenario because what I'm

hearing is you still feel for the guy if you thought he would change you you would give him another shot but you as someone who listens to the show you don't want to rely on hope you don't want to make the mistakes of many before you so what's stopping you from holding your ground and saying no like if you want to change go ahead and change I feel like like he like all of the friends that I'm talking about going out and whatnot. I am a lot closer to all of those people. He doesn't really have anyone who he talks to besides me. So I also kind of feel like I'm like abandoning him with like no one.

He doesn't like talk to his parents. He doesn't really have deep conversations with his friends. Like, I genuinely feel like I don't know if he will recover if I just like leave him. He will. I hear you but it's not your problem and that's not how he'll change. I was, you know, it's funny. I don't know if I'm going to articulate this well but you know as I often do, I was thinking about life or relationships in general. One of my biggest weaknesses as a partner. Listen, I have plenty of flaws and I have plenty of like annoying habits and I'm not, I'm pref in this

because the next thing is one of those things like I'm saying I'm a, you know, it's just like, but I'm an annoying person, I have a tough personality. There's a lot of things if you're gonna, you know, Natalie has to put up with. One thing that I've realized is that I in the past and all my relationships have made the mistake of assuming that A, my partner would put in as much

as I would be willing to put in. And two, if I were to simplify it as not saying no enough in relationships and saying, and yeah, just putting my foot down. And I always would make excuses for certain types of behavior. And the reality is, is that people in or out of relationships, they don't change.

And again, I think I said this last week, people don't give you 20 if you accept 10. Yeah. You know, you have to be willing to say no, you have to be willing to say no. You have to be willing to enforce a boundary. People have to believe that you will let them go. People have to believe that you won't put up with certain types of behaviors.

And you've been dating this guy for two and a half years. You might have made threats. You might have said, I won't do this. But at the end of the day, he never really believed you. He didn't take you that seriously. And for the first time ever, you finally said no. You know, it'd be ideal if you don't have to break up with the guy to do that.

Unfortunately, that's just how people are. And if you're someone who's used to like always giving your partner the better, and I didn't really articulate myself well, but I think as someone who's like, I always wanted to trust my partner, I've always wanted to support my partner, I've always wanted to be their rock,

I've always wanted to be their cheerleader, and that's true. But as a result of always wanting to be those things, I think in the past, I have allowed the people I'm in relationships with to take that for granted, or take advantage of that. And I wouldn't wanna put my foot down, and I wouldn't want to say that's fuck, no, I'm not okay with it. I always wanted to want to be understanding.

I didn't want to be the jealous person. I didn't want to be the controlling one. So I'd always accept certain things that even if I was controlling or not, I'm like, no, why am I putting up with this? But I did. And as a result of me putting up with it, they continued to do it. And I think that's just something I had to learn to say no. I needed to have the same expectations

of the people I'm dating as I had for myself. And if they weren't willing to do it, I had to say no. And I had to show them I was serious. And that has nothing to do with like, well, I just wanted to do that out of love for me. Like, I don't, it doesn't work that way. And I guess I'm saying all this because all you're doing is the same thing you did in a relationship

is you're feeling sorry for him and you're making him the victim. He's an adult man, he'll be fine. Nothing's stopping him from opening up to people. If he doesn't wanna open up, he doesn't wanna open up. If you're the only person he wants to open up to, that's a choice he is making. He'll find someone else to open up with.

Most men don't go and open up with a bunch of people. They find one or two people. And when they don't have girlfriends, they find other people. He will be fine. You know what I'm saying? He'll live. He'll live.

Yeah. And you have the opportunity, the fact that you do share mutual friends, if he really wants to change, he needs to change not having you. He needs to change knowing that changing isn't a guarantee to get you back. And if he really wants to change, he needs to change not having you. He needs to change knowing that changing isn't a guarantee to get you back. And if he really wants to change, good news is you'll have a front row seat to that change if he in fact changes. Because he obviously won't be too far, he's got friends. But like, if he really needs

to open up to someone, you know what he can do? He can get a therapist. True. Or he can talk to a friend. Stop making excuses for him. That's what you're doing. And that's what you've done in the past. And instead of now second guessing yourself, because listen, it wasn't easy to break up.

You didn't break up with him because you didn't love him anymore. You broke up with him because he was demonstrating behaviors that you weren't okay with putting up with. And you made the very difficult choice to end a relationship knowing that he's given me no reason to think that this is gonna change and I'm not gonna marry a guy who's doing X,

Y, and Z because it's not gonna get better, it's gonna get worse. No, for sure. I have one question with something you said though. Do you, because I know you talk about the bed, the broom, whatever. Do you think lack of financial stability is a pet peeve or a non-negotiable?

Well, that depends, right? The way you described it sounds like a pet peeve. It sounds like, I don't really wanna be taken care of. I want someone who, like if I question you, is it always gonna be this way? Well, now that I- How old is he? No, no, for him.

38. Okay, and what are his career future plans? Um... If any. Like how specific do I get here? He's a DJ, so he like would like to have a more steady income through that. Okay, but is he ever gonna give up on being the DJ if he doesn't become the next Diplo?

I highly doubt it at this point. To answer your question, it sounds like more of a non-negotiable. I mean, if you're someone who, it's like, again, I don't know what gender roles and things like that, who should pay for what, you know, it sounds like you're not comfortable with always being the breadwinner.

Well, I think I more so just want someone that would like meet me in the middle a little more. Sure, no, that's fair. But you know, someone who wants, being a DJ, being an artist, right? Being an artist and becoming, and being financially secure is a dream. Most people don't accomplish that dream.

And good on him for pursuing his dreams, but there is a cost to that. And that cost until he becomes an ex-Diplo is that he might struggle financially. And he is still, at 38 years old, good on him for betting on his dreams, but it's by definition, it's selfish of him. You know, I mean it is.

It's not the end of the world, you know. Most people do what he's doing when they're in their early 20s, and then they decide they want to settle down and they give up on those dreams if they don't happen. I'm not, listen, you're talking to a guy that had a very selfish 30s. I bet on myself, I, you know, I prioritized myself because in my 20s I didn't. Like you prioritized relationships in your 20s? Is that what you're saying? Yeah. And so in my 30s, I prioritized me. I took more risks.

I did not, in my 20s, if it was a dream of mine versus protecting a relationship I had, I always protected the relationship. Those relationships didn't work out. So I was single in my 30s and as a single person, I just realized that I just made a lot of sacrifices for relationships that didn't work out. I didn't necessarily regret it, I was gonna I challenged myself not

to do that anymore and then a bunch of opportunities came up like moving or going on a show or yada yada yada then moving out to LA. It wasn't like I had any one person to be like it was just I was very focused on what I needed you know and I was taking risks that didn't make it easy to date, didn't put me in a position to settle down. It was just a lot about me. And being a DJ requires a lot, he has to make a lot of decisions that are focused on him. For him to become a successful DJ, he has to prioritize him.

He does. In your case, the fact that he's 38 years old, he's been doing this for a while now, to me that should, and if he doesn't want to give that up, fine. You know, hey, listen, no one wants to make anyone give up on their dream. The fact of the matter is for him to continue to pursue this dream requires some selfishness on his part. And the fact that now, if you, again, do you want to have a family?

Do you want to settle down? Like what are your hopes and dreams for yourself in the future? I think that's another thing I came to terms with with like this most recent birthday is that I think I would like to have children at some point, yeah. Yeah, and what about him? Where is he at with that? This is another thing he's not 100% sure either way. Well, mostly because he's so focused on being a DJ.

He doesn't have the bandwidth to think about kids. Holy shit, if I gotta call to perform, I gotta get on a plane, or he's gotta be available. So it's really just more about a lifestyle choice. Right now, his priority is him and his career. Which, quite honestly, probably a catalyst for a lot of the problems you have is because he hasn't made it yet

in his pursuit of his dream. Yeah, no, that makes sense for sure. How long you been dating? Two and a half years? Two and a half years, yeah. Okay. Well, there's no right or wrong, but minus that. Listen, if you called me up and said, hey listen, I have a conundrum. I have this amazing

boyfriend. He's truly fucking amazing. He's great, but there's this one thing I'm really struggling with. He's poor as fuck. I pay for everything. It's not something I imagined for myself. I really want to have kids. He's not sure if he's does because he's pursuing this dream as a DJ. But everything else, Nick, he is a fucking king. He is respectful. He is slow to react. He communicates. We talk. He's just goddamn wonderful. Even then, I would still say, hey, listen, you might have found a wonderful guy who's just not wonderful for you because you want different things. You're at two different stages of your life. And that is a reality.

I know you've talked about, I don't know how exactly you word it, but something along the lines of like, does this person make you feel loved kind of thing? This is probably like the first relationship I've ever been in and I've had a couple long-term relationships before this where like love languages or whatever you want to call it like genuinely do line up and I actually do feel loved by this person which is also why it's hard. That is hard. It definitely makes it harder for you. You have options here. Option one is for you to take a back seat, you have mutual friends and you have a front row seat to seeing if he changes, right?

But not as your girlfriend. He has to want to do it on his own. Yeah. Option two, I mean, there's, I mean, no matter what option one you need to do some version of. Option two, you also need to sit down with them and be honest with them about in addition to your bad behavior, which again I would need to see change, I'm just not sure if we're compatible anymore. I don't want you to give up on your

hopes and dreams. I don't want to ask you necessarily to do that, but like I'm also just not down for supporting this dream when I have dreams of my own. And right now, so far, I feel like your dreams have always been a priority in our relationship over ours or mine. You know, I want to have kids, I want to settle down. You don't even know if you do and like, you know, what, you know, and you're going to have to ask the tough question. I love that you want to do this and I never want you to stop doing it. But when does it stop being your job and start being a hobby?

Yeah. If it doesn't break for you, where you can not only support us, but our family, and be a contributor in this relationship financially, I'm just not down to be the sole provider of our family while you constantly chase a dream. And listen, we all have dreams, but sometimes we have to be adults, and we have to to be realistic and sometimes we have to know when to pivot. Yeah. And if you,

even if you wanted to ignore the bad behavior and give him another chance, you need to have that conversation with him. Yeah. So I guess another question, I know like you are anti staying friends with exes, but like how much do you think I can keep him in my life while not being his girlfriend? Well, if you actually want, well, realistically, you have to set some very clear boundaries. You can be civil, you can be kind when you see him, but you do have to go out of your way to not see him. You do have to go out of your way to not be involved in his life. You're gonna have to ask some friends to set some boundaries because you won't be able to get over it.

You can't say, all right, well, I'm not gonna date you, go change, and you just put yourself on the sideline. It just makes it very impossible to do. Yeah, we're going to a concert tonight that we already had tickets for, so I'm like. Like, whatever, that's fine, go and have fun. It's just one night. Fuck him for all I care. I don it, so I'm like. Like whatever, that's fine, go and have fun. It's just one night. Fuck him for all I care.

I don't, you know. But the end of the day, at the end of the day, eventually you're gonna have to make some tough decisions if you actually wanna move on. Because it's gonna be emotionally torture for yourself to live in this purgatory of hoping he changed, not being his girlfriend, but like, because you're still emotionally attached to him,

you still care about him. I think you should have that conversation with him about like, and you gotta find a way to keep it real without being a dick. But don't belittle his dream. Listen, you're like, I love that you do it. I'm attracted that you do it. I think it was, oh, I always loved saying I'm being a DJ. It's hot, your job is hot.

But at the end of the day, you know, did you have other dreams? What were some of your dreams? I guess at one point I played in bands and stuff and had hoped, you know, to make it big or whatever, but I just know that's not realistic. So you wanted to be in a band, you wanted to be a musician,

you wanted to be a rock star too. And you know what, you can compliment and say, like you had more guts than I did, and you've really pursued this dream, but again, it's a fair question. I wanna have a family. I do wanna to settle down. I do want to have kids. I know that with a certainty. I don't know when, but I want that. You're 38 years old. Listen, it's not about emasculating. You've been cool. You've paid for everything. That's another thing. But I want

someone who participates with me in all aspects of our relationship, including financially. Your dream in pursuing this career has caused you to not participate in our relationship financially. And I was okay with it for a period of time, but like I'm not okay with it forever. And again, it's a fair, when does this dream stop being your job and start being a hobby that you do on the side,

and then you go get a real fucking job. Yeah, I also like, when we got together, I wasn't sure if I wanted kids, so I feel, I don't know, like selfish isn't the right word, but I feel kind of guilty putting my foot down and saying like, well, I changed my mind now, I for sure want kids. Did you really change your mind?

I mean, like, you, now that you, no, I mean, that's a very normal thing to get older and wanna sell down and have, you don't need to apologize for that. Yeah. You didn't say, I never wanna have kids, it's an absolute guarantee, where do I sign? I'll never take it back.

Did you say that to him? One point I think I was quite sure that I didn't want to have children. Okay, but even still, I don't, that's not something you need to apologize for. Because even if you didn't want to have kids, like he's, you still need a partner who contributes. And this relationship has been very much you supporting his dreams. You've been his support. You've been his emotional rock.

You've been his therapist. You've been all these things for him. He's taking it for granted. And that's probably why he's panicking now because you have done a lot of those things for him. And now he doesn't have it anymore. The financial support, the emotional support. But it's not, you're not his mom. You're not his parent, you're not his therapist. You're not his piggy bank.

He needs to grow up a little bit, to be honest. Yeah. Yeah, well, when I was breaking up with him, he did say something along the lines of like, I think I just like needed to be nurtured and you did that for me and blah, blah, blah. There's a lot of truth to that. Yeah.

But he doesn't know how to do it on his own and that's what he needs to figure out. And he can't do that with you as his girlfriend. You don't even have to get into the weeds about him being a DJ. You can say, listen, I want a partner who meets me in the middle with almost everything in our relationship,

including financially. And I'm just not okay with being the one who financially supports this relationship. And I don't want to tell you what to do, but like, you're not in a position to do that right now. And sometimes we all have to make tough choices. And I feel like I've made a lot of tough choices for the sake of our relationship. And you have it. And I'm just not okay with doing that anymore. relationship and you have it and I'm just not okay with doing that anymore. So it sounds like you made the right choice to end this relationship. Yeah, I mean without question. You were just putting up a lot of things you weren't okay with. Now the fact

that he makes you feel loved you still care about him like maybe there is a path forward but I think this path forward requires some independence on his part and for you to be willing to let him go, you need to date other people. You need to see what else is out there. You need to take advantage of the fact that you chose to be single. You can't get afraid that he's gonna get mad.

No, he's not gonna not take you back because you dated someone else. It's just he won't. And any person who does that, honestly, it's a red flag. He knows he fucked up, and you're single. So dating other people isn't gonna make him, it's gonna only make you more attractive.

Yeah, I just, I don't know. But you don't need to do it to, you don't tell him, it's none of his business. If he wants to find out, you're not doing it to make him jealous. You're doing it because you need to see what else is out there feel free to get laid too he'll still take you back he will I'm out of questions at this time do you have any more advice for my situation?

My advice is to stand your ground. You need to look in the mirror and be honest with yourself about just ways in which you haven't had your back and ways in which you have not prioritized your own needs for the sake of this relationship and you have justified ignoring your needs for this relationship and you need to stand by your decision,

know that you trusted your gut. It was a hard decision. It was an imperfect decision but it was a necessary one and he has every opportunity to do what he needs to do to really change and he could definitely get you back if he wants to but that's entirely up to him and now you need to let him go and see if he can figure it out as an adult man but you can't sit around and wait for it, you need to live your life as if this is it and let the chips fall where they may. I also just want to say while I'm here,

Ask Nick has changed my life. You made me look at things differently and feel empowered to choose myself. Well, I really appreciate you saying that. Now this is the most pivotal time of your life to actually show that you mean what you said because this is the most pivotal time of your life to actually show that you mean what you said. Because this is the moment, if you, you know, all these episodes you listen to,

it's not easy, you're right, it's hard. It's hard to do this, right? It's hard, because your heart, you don't want this, but you know it's what's best for you. What you want is for him to be someone he hasn't shown you he's capable of being and you need to stop dating his potential and you need to start accepting who he is. You have given him the playbook, you've given him the cheat sheet, you've given

him the answers to the test. But you can't take the test for him. Go to the concert, you'll probably talk about things, have fun, but if you say, if you talk about you two, you need to be very honest about what you want and need. And you say, listen, but I'm not taking you back because you won't change in this relationship. And I don't know if I will take you back. And quite honestly, it might be a while before I really believe that you change, but I don't, you can't change for me, I need you to change for you.

I hope he's open to therapy, you know, because if he's a reactive person, he's not going to learn the tools on his own. He can't cold turkey how to go from being a reactive asshole to a emotionally regulated person without some help. Yeah, no No for sure He seems to think he's on like a probationary period right now just like no he believes he Especially you're gonna he absolutely expecting you to take him back at some point. Yeah, so you need to Stand your ground a little bit better. All right, it's hard I know get out there start dating

Okay, I will. All right, call back if you need a pep talk. Well, we'll add an update anyway, so. I will update you on my new single life. All right, well, let's have fun, but you need to set some hard boundaries with yourself about what access you're willing to give to this guy. Yeah. And that is up to you to enforce those boundaries. Yeah. And that

sometimes might mean not going out with the friends. You might have to selflessly let him go party with the friends and you go be alone. Maybe go on a date. You know, you'll be fine. They won't go anywhere. You'll still find ways to keep your connections but you have to, you know, can't make excuses. Oh, well, it's not fair that he gets, you know, so I'm just gonna go because I don't, it's not, you know, that's what you, in a position, in your position, you would convince yourself that it's not fair that he gets to hang out with the friends

that you're actually closest to. So I'm gonna go out because it's not fair. And what you're really doing is you're going to see him. Yeah. So don't lie to yourself, hold yourself accountable, set those boundaries, enforce those boundaries, and you'll get through it. All right. Thank you. You made the right decision. Thank you for saying that. It's definitely, well I mean I wouldn't have written it if I

thought 100% that I made the right call I I guess, but. Yeah, you just say, listen, balls in your court, man, but I'm not taking you back unless I see this change, no, without me in your life. And I'm not waiting around, just so you know. Yeah, I guess maybe tonight we'll have this conversation. I'm not your therapist, I'm not your parent, like you need to grow up. And that's another thing I learned. Everyone knows me as Mr. Tough Love. I'm not usually tough, I'm not your parent. You need to grow up. And that's another thing I learned.

Everyone knows me as Mr. Tough Love. I'm not usually tough love in my relationships. You're not? At all, no. And no. At all. And I've had partners take that for granted. And there have been times where finally I had enough

and finally I put my foot down and you know what happened? They fucking responded. Because people are human. Again, I don't think you realize how much weight you've carried in this relationship. And he is just, again, he's only a human. You've accepted 10 while you've asked for 20. Yeah.

You finally said no, actually it cost 20. And he's just waiting for you to still accept 10. Yeah, yeah, definitely. He definitely does not think it's like over, over. I don't think. Not that it is over, over, but like that it could be over, over again. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

It should, it is, you need to start telling yourself it is. Okay. Because just so you know, the chances of him changing are slim to none. You need to be honest with yourself about that. And it's possible, but has he jumped into therapy? Probably not. You know, has he considered, you know, maybe being more realistic about his dreams?

Probably not. He was like, oh I'm gonna set up this, like he also does writing. He's been like going to set up a writing platform thing for like two weeks and hasn't. I'm sure he talks a lot about what he's going to do he hasn't done shit yet so yeah and that's how most people are. Again until he actually believes you're gone is that's when he'll actually consider doing something about it or not until then he's just gonna talk about doing things and he's talking about it hoping that's enough to convince you because up until this point it has been enough. Yeah, yeah for sure. It's over. As far as you're concerned, it's over. Okay. Because this is who this is who he is, you know, who he can be, who he might be, who he's going to be unknown,

and at this point it's just a dream. Yeah, yes. My friends have said I don't think he's capable of being the person that you're asking him to be. I don't. It's hard to accept that. And I'm willing to bet that I don't doubt he's made you feel loved. I think you have accepted a certain level of love that has been good enough for you but I think you should expect more love for yourself. Yeah okay yeah. I hear you. For sure you're probably right there. I have a dad situation similar to Natalie's, so. It makes sense. Probably, yeah. Some similar issues. Are you in therapy? I used to be, I haven't gone at all in this relationship,

which I know is silly, but. Well, now, you know. Now might be a good time to jump back in. Yes, I should probably get on that, you're right. All right, he'll be okay. Don't convince yourself he can't be okay without you. Okay. And that's also your ego. Like you do not need a 48 year old baby of a husband.

True. So, all right. All right. All right, keep us posted, okay? Okay, I will. I will keep you updated. All right, take care. All right, bye-bye. Bye, thank you for everything.

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That's Grammarly.com slash podcast. How's it going? I'm doing okay. What's your name? My name is Annie and I'm 26. How can we help Annie? So I don't approve of my boyfriend's friends. Okay.

How long has this guy been your boyfriend? Like almost 10 years now. Oh, almost 10 years. Have you hated him the whole time? No, these are friends that he's made in the past like six months. Okay. What is the biggest red flag?

Why do we not like these guys? So these are coworkers of his and I don't really like them because they are like grad school students still and we're both 26. So we're a little bit past college partying at this point, but he's been kind of looped in with like going out every, you know, every weekend.

Like it's only like one night every weekend, but still it's like at least till like 4 a.m. every night and like I'm not included in it. Okay, how long, is this a new job? Yeah. What kind of job? College athletics. College athletics, okay.

College football. How long has he had this job for? Um, like for the past year. I'm assuming that part of it, I'm guessing he's saying in his defense, like this is kind of networking and him getting in good with the boys, so to speak, and it's not just him having fun, or is it just more about him having fun?

Like, what has been his, have you communicated your frustrations? Is this really his friends, or is it just him choosing to participate in what they're doing? Because like, he doesn't need to hang out till four in the morning to be these people's friends. I think that it's not really like networking as much as it's just kind of like his friends now, because technically his friends like work for a different sport now that he's like with football

and they're still with like the basketball team. So it's not really networking anymore. But we moved to the city for this job and we didn't know anyone when we came. So they were kind of like his first like friend group here. So I think that's why he like spends so much time with them. We both have really demanding jobs. And so we don't really have a lot of free time to like go out and meet new people outside of our jobs. I understand just like the convenience

of having these like built-in like friend coworkers for him. And I have expressed like my concern and he's just kind of like, these are my friends and like, it's not like all I do is party with them. Like they are good people. So I get it, but there's kind of something else that like led me to writing in, I guess. Yeah, go ahead. This past Friday, he, I've already like talked about like, I don't really approve of these

friends. Like I don't really know if they're the best influences on him because he has changed since meeting them a bit. He used to not really be a partier. So I've expressed these concerns and he was like, okay, I will try to spend more time with you. But he was like, but it's one of their friend's birthdays next week and I already told them I would go out with them. I was like, all right, that's fine. Totally fine. Friday night, he's getting ready to go out with them. And I was like, oh, are you coming home tonight or are you staying at one of their places? Because when I travel for work, he just stays at their house. And when I'm home, he usually will come home if he goes out with them. And so I was just

trying to get a feel for what he was going to do. And he was like, no, I'll come home tonight. And I was like, okay. So I go to bed, it's 1130. And And I guess at like 3 a.m., he texted me and said like, hey, I'm staying at so-and-so's house, but I'll be home in the morning. So like, okay. We're like a 10 minute Uber from like downtown. So it'd be super easy for him to come home, but what else, it's fine.

And so then the next morning I woke up and noticed that he wasn't in bed because I didn't see his text. So I grabbed my phone, saw his text, and then we shared each other's location. And I just looked at it to see like, oh, maybe he's coming home. He had to be at work in an hour and a half. So I was like, maybe he's on his way home. When I looked at his location, it wasn't the friend's house that he said he was going to

be at. It was on the total opposite side of town. And I'd never seen... I don't know that location. So obviously, I spiraled. When he came home, I asked him, I was like, where were you? He knows you share the location. Please, I'm just going to ask you one more time. Don't lie to me.

Where were you? He just stared at me. And so I, of course, screenshotted his location and just showed it to him. And then I like, of course, like screenshotted like his location and just like showed it to him. And then just kind of left my phone on the table for him to decide if he wanted to finally tell me the truth and whose place that was. And he just kind of looked at it for a while. Then he said like, yeah, like I was actually at my other friend's apartment. I was like, why did you lie to me three times if you were just at another friend's house or why didn't you just text me and say like, I'm gonna be at this guy's house instead?

Like, that's really weird. But I mean, I chose to believe him. When did this happen again? Um, like literally two days ago. Okay, so I know you said you chose to believe him, but we don't believe him, right? No, I honestly, like I do. I've never had a reason to to think otherwise before I hear you there

But this is a reason yeah What does your gut tell you I mean you know listen? I it's a you're in a tough situation And I know what it's like to be in a long-term relationship And want to choose to believe your partner and want to trust and all those things it's when you're telling your story, I often talk about the time I got engaged well before I was ever on the show

and she cheated on me. It's one of those things where people always say, it's not your fault when you get cheated on, because it's not. I don't know if your boyfriend cheated on you. I'm not saying that for sure. But it is not your fault. But there are things you can learn, right?

And one of the things I remember, if I'm gonna saying that for sure, but it is not your fault. But there are things you can learn, right? And one of the things I remember, you know, is like if I'm gonna take anything away, because I just always remember her, she was always out, and she was out till like four or five in the morning. And you know, I wanted to be the trusting boyfriend who thought to myself, just because she's out super late doesn't mean she's doing anything wrong. But you know, you always hear,

it's just like nothing good happens after, like in a committed relationship, your boyfriend, regardless of his friends, love to party, doesn't need to be out till two, three, four in the morning. He just doesn't. It is not our pre-requisite to be these guys' friends. You know what I'm saying?

And if it is, then that would be weird. You know what I'm saying? He can still go out with his friends, he can still party, you seem like a reasonable person, there's no problem like having his her boyfriend go out and hang out with his friends without you always having to be there. But now it's come to the point where he's not inviting you, you're feeling excluded, and in addition to that he is weirdly bizarrely hanging out at really late in the morning, you know? And then on top of that, now you've caught him in a lie.

People don't lie for no reason. And you've been dating this guy for 10 years, unless, you know, short of you not realizing that your boyfriend can't help but lie. Just he's a serial liar. You know, it just lies his poor out, and I'm guessing that's not it, right? He doesn't lie for the sake of lying,

so he lied for a reason, three times, actually. And now he's banking on the fact, it doesn't add up, the math's not mathin'. Yeah. It's fascinating that this guy knows, how long you've been following each other on your phones, like your locations? Oh, I mean, since college, we did long distance for like four years, we've always had each other on your phones, like your locations? Oh, I mean, like since college, we did long distance for like four years.

Like we've always had each other's locations. When was the last time you just kind of casually mentioned to him that you looked at his location? I don't really mention it to him, but like, he, like I said, like he works like really long hours. So sometimes I just like look at his location to see like, if he's on his way home from work yet. Does he know that?

I guess the reason why I'm asking is because it is surprising that he does, you do share locations. And so it's sloppy is what I'm saying, right? And I'm curious as to why he was sloppy. Was he sloppy because he just kind of took, you guys have been following each other's locations for so long, he just kind of assumed you wouldn't look or, you know, you'd be dating for so long. He clearly is very comfortable in this relationship.

Since you found out, have you just kind of let it go? I mean, yeah. So the next day I was like, we just kind of checked in. We were like, you know, like, how are you feeling about everything? Like, I mean, because obviously, like, we had, you know, more conversations after that and smooth things over. But then yesterday I was like checking in with him and I was like, honestly, like, that still feels a little weird to me.

I was like, I think I can let it go. If you just like give me proof that that's like actually where your other friend lives. If he's like sent to you that like his address, like in the past. Do you have screenshots of his location? Do you know exactly where this is? Can you, you know what I'm saying?

Yeah, yeah. So I mean, he did show it to me and like that is where his friend lives. Okay, yeah. Doesn't mean he didn't take a girl home there. Yeah, I don't know. It's so hard, but. It's just why is he lying about that?

It just makes no sense. Why did he lie? Did he say why he lied three times? He said like, he knew that I'd probably already be mad about him staying at his friend's house and he just like didn't think about it. I mean, I'm also kind of giving him the benefit of the doubt that like he was drunk and like it was 4 a.m.

and like he had already texted me saying he was not coming home. So then he didn't really feel the need to follow up more about it. I don't know. All right, so let me ask you this. Have there been other little weird things? No, mm-mm.

Like, honestly, no. That's why I'm having such a hard time with it, because I'm like, everything else, I feel like I trust him. This is like the one, like this is literally the only time that I've ever felt otherwise. All right, this isn't about you not liking his friends. You saying, I don't like my boyfriend's friends is letting your boyfriend off the hook

and you're putting the blame on his friends, these new guys and not your boyfriend. These are just random guys who are 26 and like to party in the city. They have every right to do that. There's nothing wrong with them. They're not the ones making him stay out. Even if they're encouraging him to stay out,

they're like, oh man, come on, one more. That's not their fault. They're just being guys, you know what I'm saying? But it's easier for you to say, I don't like your friends. The truth is, is I don't like how you're acting around these new people, you know? And it's not even their fault. Like they're bringing something out of him.

So if I were in your position, here's, I would just, you need to be completely honest with him. And honest with your feelings. So if I were in your position, here's, I would just, you need to be completely honest with him, and honest with your feelings, whatever those feelings are, whatever your gut is telling you, you need to express that to him, and you shouldn't apologize for what your gut is telling you. He's the one who chose to A, stay out well past

when any guy in a committed relationship should be staying out at the bars. Two, he didn't tell you where he was, right? And then three, he lied about it three times. So regardless of whether he's telling you the truth or not, you have every justifiable reason right now to doubt him and to trust him. It doesn't matter that even if he didn't like bring a girl

home, he lied. And so already, like, you know what I'm saying? That trust has been broken. For sure. And so you have the right to point that out to him. Let's say if I were you, and it's still eating away at you, right? And I'm guessing you feel a little bit like that,

where you would say, hey listen, the other day really rattled me, and if I'm being totally honest with me, I'm just, I don't know why you lied to me. People don't lie for no reason. You did prove to that he lives there, but like I have my doubts and it's hard you know and I hate that I feel that way but like if you were in my shoes you'd be questioning the same thing. Also like why are you like you don't need to be sitting out to four in the morning. Like if you want to go hang out with your friends, hang out

with your friends but like you don't need to be doing that. Yeah, for sure. Like, there's no reason you can't come home earlier. I don't wanna be dating someone who, if you need to be partying to four in the morning, then maybe you don't want a girlfriend. Yeah. Like, I don't know. You've been dating this guy for 10 years, right?

So like, I don't know what's going, like how you guys, I mean, that is a challenge that you two, I'm sure have, or will have to face. Like, you have grown up together. Oh yeah. Right? And both of you I'm assuming will have moments of quite honestly just like kind of wishing you didn't have the responsibilities of being a boyfriend or a girlfriend. The fact that you two have been together for so long and have committed to each other as long as you have, you've both had to make some pretty big sacrifices

to maintain this relationship. You've given up a lot of the freedoms people have enjoyed in their 20s. For sure. It's fine that you guys acknowledge that. It doesn't make an excuse for him to be a fuck. And so have an open conversation about like, I wanna support you.

I want you to wanna make new friends. I want you to go out with your friends. I don't need to be by your side, but like, I have the right to expect you not to be like staying out after hours. Like, who are you talking to? And these guys he's going out with, are they in relationships or are they single?

No, yeah, they're single. They're all single. So they're all trying to hook up with girls. They're all talking, they're looking for women in groups. He is engaging with a bunch of single women. And short of him being a dick, which I'm sure he's not, going to, you know, but you know, he should be being a dick. You know what I'm saying?

Like he should be unapproachable. He's putting himself in very compromising situations and not coming home, you know? And there's a reason why. And he's not giving you the reason why. And you have the right to question that. And so if I were you, I would put my foot down with, I wouldn't ask, I wouldn't request, I would tell him I'm not okay with you doing this.

It is not your fault. He's essentially making you give him a curfew. Yeah, like I feel like a parent. And like that's the last thing I want to be in a relationship. I hear you. But at the same same time you guys are in a unique position having been together for so long, you're gonna have to set a boundary and communicate an expectation with him and that's not being a parent. Yeah. You know, it's just like I am NOT I'm not here to give you a curfew but I am NOT

comfortable with you like staying out all night with these single guys who clearly like, you know, as single guys should and would do, like want to flirt and meet women, especially when everyone's drunk and everyone like is like, should I go home or shut up? That's I don't know. I don't know what people are staying out late if it's for not to try to get some. Yeah, we also like we live in a really touristy city where like, there's a lot of people in and out of here every weekend, like bachelor at parties and that type of vibe, so I don't know.

It is not a pro, he is not behaving like a person who wants to be in a committed relationship. That's what I've said. It's that simple. Yeah. You know, and he doesn't get to defend that. I mean, he could try. What does he say when you say that?

Oh no, he's like, I know I'm not the best version of myself right now, and he gets mad at himself and almost gets mad that I keep falling up about it, but I'm like, you haven't changed your actions. We've had three to four conversations about this. You're not asking for much. You're just like, you just want him home at a reasonable time. Yeah.

You want to feel like when he goes out with his friends that he wants to come home to you. Totally. You know, that it's like, hey guys, go have your fun. I'm glad I had fun with you. I'm going to go see my girl now. You guys go have fun, meet all these women, do your thing. But like, I'm going to go where I want and need to be.

And he's not giving that to you. And he doesn't keep getting to say, oh, I know I'm not the best version of myself right now. What is that? That's just like, he's playing the victim. I think you need to be a little less understanding and a little more, this isn't okay. And if your gut is in any way questioning

what happened two nights ago, don't hide that. Okay, cool. He lied. I guess like just now, I feel like one thing I really struggle with is like being patient and like giving him the opportunity to like prove that he is without like being like a little bit like cold in the meantime, you know.

So what do you mean by prove that he is? To kind of redeem himself a bit, to show that he does value spending time with me and he wants to hang out with me over other people or things like that, to kind of, I don't know, not build the love back, but like. Well, you're talking about two different things here. Yeah.

If you guys are going through a period of being disconnected, you've been together for a long time, it would be very easy to like, you know, feel like you're growing apart and have to reconnect. That's something you guys can talk about, work on, maybe get couples therapy. I don't, or just be intentional set aside date nights. Intentional means that you both sit down and talk about where you're at in your relationship, where you'd like to be in your relationship. If where you're at is not where you'd like to be,

then you have a conversation about what you're both gonna do to do that, right? Make sure you're both on the same page of where you wanna be. You know, it might require an honest conversation. You know, maybe there's some honest conversations going on. There's also then there's the flat out like, I'm not okay or comfortable with X, Y, or Z.

Yeah. I'm not okay with you following a thousand models on Instagram who you don't know. I'm not okay with you having an OnlyFans account. I'm not okay with you emotionally cheating on me. I'm not okay with you fucking other women. Like whatever it is, I'm not okay with you staying out to three, four, five in the morning

every time you go out with these guys. I'm not okay with being excluded from these guys. Like every time? He should wanna bring you out. Yeah. I get it. I know it's like to wanna hang out with my guys and then there's always this one guy

whose girlfriend always has to fucking show up. You don't wanna be her, but there's a middle ground. There's a middle ground, you know what I'm saying? But the fact that you're never allowed there or he doesn't even wanna bring you, it's weird. Yeah. He doesn't want you. If you haven't been invited,

it's because he doesn't want you there. It is not his friends, I promise you. Yeah, I mean, I've hung out with them before, but he's just like, I know you're not gonna have a good time. And I'm like, I mean, that's not really necessarily true. Like obviously I mean I've hung out with them before, but he's just like, I know you're not gonna have a good time, and I'm like, I mean that's not really necessarily true, like obviously I like when there's like other girls around because I just don't really think that he's that cool. That's a you problem.

You can decide to not go. You can say, thanks for the offer, I'd rather, you just go out with your friends, I'd rather not go. That's, he doesn't get to say, I didn't invite you because I didn't think you'd have friends. That is a fucked up line. That's what shady people say. I don't know what your boyfriend's doing,

but I'm telling you, he is acting shady as fuck. He is doing things that many people before him have done when they were cheating on their partners. I'm not saying he's doing it, but there are a lot of red flags here. Yeah, I agree. He's not putting you in a fair position because you setting a boundary and expectation

about him not going out the way he is is not you telling him how he should love you. You know what I'm saying? That's a separate conversation of like, well, in addition to like, I'm not okay with you going out, like, can we talk about the fact that I feel a little disconnected from you? And I would like to like get back there.

If you want, do you feel that too? Yes or no? If yes, how can we work on that? You know, there are options. Yeah, and we've talked about that. I think we just, you're right. Like we need to separate those two conversations cause we don't, like we like talk about them together.

Yeah, they're not the same. Well, what, this thing where we've been talking about him going out is a bare minimum bullshit thing he's doing that if he wants to be in a relationship, he shouldn't do. And again, he'll have plenty of fun. He can hang out with his guys, he can go out. There are a lot of other women or people who wouldn't. You're not talking as a jealous or controlling partner.

You're talking as a reasonable partner. Someone who's just not comfortable with some of the behaviors that your boyfriend is doing, and he is being very inconsiderate to the situation he's putting you in, and again, all the lying and all that shit, it's shady, it's just, it's shady. And it's not because he didn't want you to be mad. If he had nothing to hide, he would have just told you.

And that's the thing when you point out to him, you say, I'm still struggling with what happened the other night because people don't lie for no reason. I don't know what you were hiding, but I know you were hiding something, otherwise you would have just told me the truth. Because like, I don't know you, but I'm guessing you don't have a track record of losing your shit

because he slept at a different friend's house. Yeah, I know guessing you don't have a track record of losing your shit because he slept at a different friend's house. Yeah, I know. It doesn't make sense. Right. It's just like, why would I have been mad about that? You've been going out to three, four, five in the morning for I don't know how many weeks,

and I haven't even got that mad about that. So why would I all of a sudden lose my shit because you slept at Mike's house and not Steve's? Yeah. I don't know what he's hiding, but he's definitely hiding something. And I think you have to talk to him as a matter of fact. Now, I think I wouldn't let it go

until you find out what it is. Yeah. That sounds good. I think I will definitely do that. I'm sorry you're going through this, it sucks, but it's not easy to do what you guys are attempting to do in 2024. It isn't. For you guys to make it work, I don't know what your hopes and dreams are as a couple, but you know, I don't know, fuck, maybe there is a break in there. Maybe you guys have to do some untraditional things in order to feel like you've lived your lives as young people

while still not going into a potential marriage with feeling like you have regrets or didn't do things. And I'm not here to tell you guys what to do, but lying about it isn't the way to do it. And he's going about it in a way that could really hurt and damage your guys' future. Like him wanting to go out with his boys and party, maybe even flirt with women, that's human.

For a guy who's like only had one girlfriend his whole life, that's a very normal thing. Totally. There's nothing to do, you have desires too. I'm sure you've checked out a lot of men, I'm sure you've been like, you know? Like you're a human being too. Yeah, so I think you guys need to do a better job

of being more honest with your guys' relationship and what you guys are trying to accomplish as a couple. Because I'm assuming you guys have talked about potentially ending up together, getting married, having kids. So maybe that's how you get them to open up. And maybe there's a hard truth that you're gonna have to accept.

And maybe that hard, you know, and again, if he did do some shit, you're gonna have to figure out whether you wanna work through it and give him grace or not. That's a different conversation, but you need to show him the path that like, listen, I don't know what you did, but before it kind of give him the whole like, like a parent, like before you answer,

just know that like, what I care more about is us being upfront and honest with each other. Yeah. Because what we're trying to accomplish as two people who have been dating for a decade isn't easy and the only way to do what we're trying to do is to be as real and as upfront about that. So like where the fuck were you and why did you lie?

Yeah, totally. All right. Cool. All right, well keep us posted. I really would like to know what happened. Okay, All right. Well, keep us posted. I really would like to know what happened. Okay, I will. Thank you guys so much. All right.

All right. Take care. Bye. All right. Bye bye. Hinge. Last week I interviewed Logan Yuriy to talk about Hinge's new feature, Your Turn Limits. I think it'll change the online dating game.

So let's hear from Logan. Hinge is releasing a new feature called Your Turn Limits. And what we found is that when daters are talking to more than eight people at the same time, it can be really hard to turn that into a date. And so with this new limit, once you've reached eight conversations, you either have to respond to one of them or close out one of them before you can get a new match. Does Hinge have any stats on the increased success of daters when they limit their number of matches or anything like that? Yeah, we actually saw some really great stuff in our tests.

So kind of similar to you, I've always been thinking about how people should limit the matches and in my dating coaching, I say you should only talk to a few people at the same time but now we've actually seen the results that when Hinge forces people to do that, it has really good results And so for example, we saw a 20% increase in responsiveness So that's a huge factor in reducing burnout and almost half of users said that it helped them focus on Quality over quantity which is exactly the point of what we're doing I was at a party and this girl learned that I work at hinge and she held up her phone and she was, where's my husband? Where's my husband? Where is he? And I was like, okay, okay, let's open

your phone. Let's open Hinge. And I went through and she had so many matches that she hadn't responded to. And I was like, maybe he's in here. Maybe your husband is hiding in plain sight, but you just keep getting more and more matches instead of actually communicating with people that you're matching with in the first place. I think that this era of lots of matches and juggling a lot of different conversations at the same time is over and now we're really in the your turn limits era. Well that all sounded amazing. Get on him today to start turning good convos into great dates. Life 360 is a family connection and safety app that lets you track your family members

location in real time. And now you can connect Life 360 tiles to your account. Tiles are Bluetooth trackers with SOS buttons allowing you to always keep track of your stuff. Justin, that's something to say about Life 360. I do. Life 360 in general, love it because my parents are divorced. It's super convenient to be able to check my family, make sure they're safe all in one place.

That being said, tile, I'm also in love with. I have the slim tile in my wallet. I lose my wallet every single second it exits my backpack. I can literally check my phone, ping it, and I know exactly where it is via the sound. Super convenient. Well, help your family have a little bit less stress by easily finding your family's lost or stolen stuff. Just ring your tile when something goes missing or track down its location on the map. Have more peace of mind! The first and only tracker with an SOS button discreetly triggers an SOS alert to your Life360 circle in unsafe situations as well as anti-theft. Unlike competitors, tile won't alert thieves to its presence via

notification. Family proof your family with Life360 Tile Trackers. Visit tile.com today and use code V-I-L-L to get 15% off. That's tile.com code V-I-L-L. I love the tiles. They're great. They give you a lot of options and really help you keep in touch with your family better. How's it going? Hi, I'm Paige. I am 38 and I have a problem with my boyfriend keeping me private after two years. So your boyfriend keeps you private from the world? Pretty much. It's gotten a little bit better, but yes, after two years, I'm still pretty private. So who specifically is he keeping you private from?

I have met a few family members now, but I guess no friends have met me. You've met none of his friends? Yeah, no. How often is he hanging out with these friends you're not meeting? Anytime he goes out, I'm not invited. We do have some mutual friend groups that kind of blend.

And so those people kind of know who I am. But as far as like his friends, he's had like his whole life. Yeah. I've never met them, never been brought around. I'm sure you've been asked the obvious questions, but like, what are the chances that he has like a whole other family or life or- I don't think that he does. He's not really had a significant

dating life. He's had maybe one or two long-term relationships but he's never been married. He doesn't have any children. How often do you hang out with them? Maybe two or three times a week but we don't live in the same city. We're about probably 30 minutes from each other so with our work we don't necessarily get to spend a lot of time together. But you're still seeing each other consistently, yeah? Yes, consistently, yes. We're on the phone all the time. We're always talking all day.

And I'm assuming you've addressed this concern. What does he say? I have addressed this concern, yes. That was actually a really big problem for us. So basically, I was married while I was still married, but waiting for all the paperwork to go through. We started seeing each other, but we did keep that private because I was still legally married. So out of respect for my ex-husband and I have children, We did not come out with that until I was legally divorced. And so I thought once I was divorced and available

that our relationship could blossom and bloom and we could have a normal relationship like everybody else. But that has not been the case. And yeah, that's been over a year and a half ago. But what does he say is to why? He just says he likes to keep his life private. Like even on social media, like he has said things like, I will never post you, just so you know,

and I don't ever want you to post me. I've been asked to take down comments before. That's weird. It's weird, it's not normal. Okay, I figured not. There's a difference between not being someone who needs to obsessively promote or post their relationships online

or someone who needs to constantly be social and have everyone meet their significant other for validation. And then there's this, which seems like a weird attempt at keeping you private. The way you're describing it is a proactive attempt at keeping you a secret. Yes. And we do go out, like we go out in public, but when we go out in public,

it is very friend zone. Like I'm a very, I'm a lover girl. I, my love language is physical touch. I want to be holding hands. I want to be near each other and it's very cold and it's very dry. And it's just not like, of course we're laughing and having a good time and everything, but like, I don't feel comfortable loving on him physically in public. And he definitely does not do that with me. So that's also part of it.

That's bizarre. It's very bizarre. I just thought maybe this day and age since I've been married for so long, I'm like, is this the datings like now? Yeah, is this, what do you like about this relationship? What do you like about him? I actually, I mean, he, when we started, just during that time period where we kept everything private,

like we would go out of town and we would have so much fun just going on dates and we have the same interest and we've had so much fun just going on dates and we have the same interest and we've had a lot of fun doing things like that. He's funny, he makes he keeps me laughing all the time which I absolutely need in my life. He's very sincere especially with other people. He loves to give donations and he gives his heart to like animal rescue and all that kind of stuff and I have those same interests

and so it just really turned me on. How active is he on social media? So he was not very active. He actually was an acquaintance before we started dating and he would post things that are of interest with him in which he races motorcycles and he has a lot of motorcycles and things like that and he would post about that. But once we started like actually getting serious, the posts just stopped.

There would be some here and there, like if he would get injured, he would like update his Facebook and stuff so that like 5 million, he said so 5 million people wouldn't like reach out to him to make sure he was okay or he's posted pictures of like him and his mom at weddings and stuff like that but as far as anything else. So as of now he's not he's just he doesn't post much of anything? No not much. Okay well that's better than he posts all the time. Yeah no he doesn't post all the time. What are you trying to figure out? What can I help you out with? Are you just trying to figure out whether this is normal behavior or not? Yeah, because it's really taking a hit on like my mental health and how I view myself and my self-worth

Really? All I think about is like what is it about me that he's not willing to like shout from the rooftops? You know, like I love this girl. We have such a great relationship behind closed doors But I've had to get into therapy over it, like I actually see a therapist over it, because I'm like, what the hell is going on here? Why am I not enough? So then why are you dating him? I get he makes you laugh,

sounds like he's a pretty decent guy, understood that you at times have a lot of fun, but at the end of the day, this guy is driving, like, I mean, good on you for being in therapy, but if the, you know, and I'm sure you're getting other things out of therapy, but this guy is driving you to therapy because it's completely diminished your self-confidence

and self-worth, and it's kind of driven you to constantly question him. Like, it's creating too much doubt in yourself and in this relationship, and then that's just not sustainable. There's more people out there than this guy and your ex-husband, there's that. Yeah, yes.

And I'm not quick to just jump into something serious or anything, but my gosh, we've been doing this for a while now and I'm like- Also, it sounds like you went from your ex-husband, you haven't really even been single yet, correct? All that long? No, I really haven't. My marriage was like roommate the last two years of my marriage.

And so I was kind of like just single mom even though I was married. So that was that. And so once I moved out, I was by myself for a little while, but then I kind of started hanging out with him. So I really haven't been on my own for very long. Yeah, so I guess I only point that out because it's like, you know, there's an opportunity here for maybe you to do that.

I mean, listen, I'm not telling you to break up with this guy. I'm just saying, one, his behavior is not normal. It's odd. It doesn't sound like he is in any way willing to compromise with you at all. He has these incredibly odd and rigid boundaries around his comfort level of any type of affection to you at all, I mean that's one thing not to be like,

not to love PDA and like be all over each other, but like he won't even hold, he won't hold your hand in public. He won't put his arm around you. No. That's weird. We can go on a date and I will purposefully like not touch him just to see.

And we won't, we will be together for two hours out on a date and not one time will we ever touch. Well, what about if you grab his hand and touch him? I mean, he might hold my hand for a second but he'll pull it away. I've actually done that before, but he doesn't, he won't. Have you said, I really would like to hold hands and I'd like for you to be a little bit more affectionate?

Yes, I actually have told him, there's actual love languages that literally work. People feel loved in different ways, and I've explained all that to him. I'm like, and mine is physical touch. I feel safe whenever I'm, if I'm out in public, I'm having anxiety, like you grabbing my hand, that makes me safe, makes me feel safe. And so I've explained that so many times to him, and he's like, I'm trying, I'm out in public, I'm having anxiety, like you grabbing my hand, that makes me safe. Makes me feel safe.

And so I've explained that so many times to him and he's like, I'm trying, I'm trying. He's trying to hold your hand? It's not started. It's just strange. Him saying I'm trying is better than being like, no, there's that. Yeah, that is true.

But is he actually trying? So it doesn't sound like he has a second family or he's acting nefarious It just sounds like he's I don't know has a weird hang up about this stuff Yeah, it is. It's just so stupid Like I literally just met his brother six weeks ago and we've been together for over two years and his brother's live Same small town as them and it's just it's just weird stuff like that I'm like, what is it that you have to keep me private? Like, I don't understand.

Yeah, I mean, it is, it's weird. More weird than the not posting you, it's just like the fact that he's not meeting your needs. If you can say with confidence that more than anything, that physical touch is your love language and it makes you feel safe. And listen, Nellie has joked about this on the show. Like, sometimes I just need my personal space

and Nellie can just, last night she got mad at me cause I was just like, ah, you know, and like I get a little anxiety. But like that's just like a moment of like me needing like a moment, you know? But like it's my job to meet her needs and vice versa. I mean, try, I don't understand. Like he can just do it.

He can hold your hand. The only note I would give you is don't do the whole I could wait an hour, don't test him. If you want to hold his hand, hold his hand. If you want to be affectionate, be affectionate. You do need to lead by example. You know, playing the game to test him, I don't know, you're kind of wasting time.

Yeah, I did try those things. He just tends to pull away, which never did anything good for my psyche, my mental health. I was like, okay, like this is, it's just so weird. At the end of the day, and I don't know what your therapist has said about this, your relationship, if it's driving you to therapy specifically, I mean, like you're saying, that's not sustainable. Okay. Yeah, I agree. I just didn't know if this behavior was, like if this is what was happening these days,

I'm like, this is strange to me. Well, there's a lot of weird things going out there in the dating world today, and everyone's kind of weird and different, and we have this kind of me attitude in dating, and everyone's expecting other people to meet their needs, and not willing to meet other people's. But yeah, I think it's safe to say that this is extreme behavior it's

odd behavior I'm never gonna post you on my social okay if you went to his socials you would see like not nowhere am I anywhere there's nothing like on his Facebook I'm in a relationship there's absolutely nothing and he just appears single to everybody does he tell people is in a relationship? Does he even do you even know that I actually have never heard him say that and I've never actually like heard him Call me his girlfriend before when he introduced me to people so Bizarre. Yeah, that's not it. That's not okay. It's weird It's extreme to know that actually it makes me feel better because I'm like, this can't be normal.

Yeah, it's not normal. And I wonder if there's other people out there, like girls, that he's like wanting to just stay single for maybe and he's just kind of keeping me around for fun. I don't know the reason. There's probably a lot of reasons it could be, some of which don't mean that he's up to no good, but there is a reason why he's doing this,

and it's not normal. And you shouldn't have to accept it. And you just might be in a tough position where you have to say goodbye to the things you really like about him because at the end of the day, it's also driving you to go to therapy. It's making you feel less confident about yourself,

questioning your self-worth. You can outly say that you're in a relationship with a guy who's uncomfortable with making you feel safe and secure. Yeah, that is true. A good way to look at it. And while I'm sure he's nice, you don't know what else is out there. And listen, if you listen to the show,

you know that it's, you know, a lot of people would be like, oh, it's dog shit out there. I was at a wedding this weekend and I was talking to like a lot, we're a lot of young parents, you know, we're talking about parenthood and things like that yeah you know what I've learned since being a parent just how many just miserable

people there are out there listen dating sucks I've been in the dating world for a while now you know when Nellie was pregnant you know he's just people who are just like fucking just doom talk just like all oh my god get ready not sleep get ready not sleep. Get ready to not. So they always want to tell you how fucking miserable. I've enjoyed every fucking aspect of parenthood. Yeah. You know?

Now, granted, that's just me. I understand River's been exceptional. We've been very blessed to have a very easygoing child. I know it's not always the case, but people always love to tell you how miserable things are out. I don't know. You might find that you might have fun dating.

Fuck, for all I know. You know it? Yeah. You've been married, then might find that, you might have fun dating, fuck, for all I know. You know it? You've been married, then you've got this boyfriend who doesn't show you at all, like, maybe you're gonna go out there, and yeah, you'll meet some shit heads and some creepy people, but maybe you'll have fun. I don't fucking know, but the world loves to tell you

how miserable it is out there and how everything sucks, and it's just like, we could be more positive. And it's just always like, everyone likes to tell you how hard parenthood and hard, and I'm not saying it's not easy. I mean, we've had to make a lot of sacrifices, but it's amazing how people will tell you how much it sucks out there.

I didn't like, I don't know. People just project their misery onto other people. Yeah, I have twins. So I get the, oh my gosh, that must be miserable, having twins. I'm like, no, it's been such a blessing to me. Yeah, it's like, okay, sure, life's hard. I don't know, shit happens, but like, fuck.

My point is, is like, yeah, like, listen, maybe you just need to see what else is out there. If you are sincerely calling in, and I'm not saying this to make fun or be mean to you at all, but if you're sincerely calling in, genuinely wondering if his behavior is normal, then you need way more experience.

You do. And if nothing else, that is a sign that maybe you need to date other people to find out what it is and is not normal or what it is you deserve or what you don't deserve. Like you have a very limited kind of idea of what you should be putting up with. And so like you've been putting up with a lot of bullshit, it sounds like. Yeah, I have. And maybe you need to get out there and try things out. I'm not saying you should get off the phone with me

and call him up and break up with him, but I think you need to start demanding certain types of behaviors that he needs to stop trying and start doing, or it's just like, you need to move on. Yeah, because it's a lot of talk. It's a lot of, I'll do this, I'll do that, but it doesn't ever happen. I'm like. You're only 38, I'll do this, I'll do that, but it doesn't ever happen. I'm like...

You're only 38. Do you have two kids? I have three kids. You have three kids. So listen, I mean, for all you, are you done having kids for all you know? Yes, I am. I am done having kids. You're done having kids. So you don't have, you don't have a biological clock to worry about. You know what the fuck you want. Why are you putting yourself on the sidelines dating this guy who won't even, even if you don't find your mister forever until you're 50.

That means you can fuck around and do whatever you want. You don't have to have a care in the world because at the end of the day, you'll always have your children. And even if you date a couple of assholes in the meantime and whatever, like who gives a shit? You're playing house money. You know what I'm saying?

You've already done the holly. You know, like you can wait for as long as you want. You can be as picky as you want because you're not gonna have any more kids. And you can travel and you can do whatever you want and you can only answer yourself until you meet someone who's actually worthy of your time, who can meet you at your level,

whether it's because you're super compatible with them and you have similar love languages or they're just willing to meet yours, you should be really fucking picky right now because you have no reason not to be. Right. Yes, I agree. That's a good perspective. Yeah. Why are you putting up with this? Because so many people, it's like they have to deal with the fact that if you were calling in and you're just like, oh, I just want to have kids and blah, blah, blah. Like it's easy for me to be sitting here and being like, well, you know, he sucks, break up with him

and blah, blah, blah. But like, it is scary to start over and you know, and if you're a 30 year old woman, like I don't think you should put up with shitty people because you want to have kids, but yeah, you're getting to a point in your life where doctors tell you, holy shit, it's going to get harder and harder. Yeah. And have kids, but yeah, you're getting to a point in your life where doctors tell you, holy shit, it's gonna get harder and harder.

And it's, you know, but you are literally in a position to not have any of those concerns so many other people have. So go be picky, go get a variety, get out there, try it out, you know? As far as he is concerned, I would just say, listen, man, you're getting too expensive. I can't afford therapy. But like, it's not normal. I can't afford therapy.

But like, it's not normal. I'm glad he makes you laugh. You can find other people to make you laugh. But you need to stop asking him to try. You need to stop being patient. You need to stop putting up with this stuff. He's welcome to change, but you need to expect some immediate progress and change. And it's great.

If you're not comfortable with doing X, Y, or Z, I don't wanna make you do anything you're uncomfortable, but I am no longer okay with accepting this, and I need this, I want it, I deserve it, I have to have it in my relationships. I do. All right? Yeah, thank you.

Good perspective, I appreciate that. All right, well good luck. Give us posted. I would love an update from you, because I expect you to do something. Okay, absolutely. And that something needs to be, I want it to feel drastic to you.

Okay. Because I get the impression from you that you are incredibly patient and really willing to put up with a lot of shit for much longer than you should. I want you to feel like this decision and whatever you do feels out of character for you. Then I want you to challenge yourself to make big decisions and take some chances. That's good. Yeah

that's good. All right. I got divorced for a reason. I need to just go and live my life however I want. Live your life. You got those kids. Do whatever the fuck you want. You got your house money. House money. That's what you're playing with. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Okay Thank you. All right. All right. Bye. Bye Thanks for listening guys again, don't forget to send in those questions at ask nick at the file files calm for all your questions We'll see you tomorrow with Gina. Bye. and improve your bottom line. We're so serious about savings, we've made this ad 20% shorter. That means you get six seconds back. Just enough time to visit Shopify.com slash POS 20.

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