The Viall Files - E819 Ask Nick - He Has A Restraining Order

Episode Date: October 7, 2024

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! We start off the episode with the age old question: do filters affect your chances on dating apps? Then we get to our callers…  Our first caller is dating someone famous while living at home. Our second caller just found out her boyfriend has a restraining order against him. And, our third caller asks for advice on dating with a disability.   “That should tell you something, he doesn't deserve the benefit of the doubt.”  Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice, send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Helix Sleep - Helix is offering up to 20% off all mattress orders! Go to https://helixsleep.com/viall  Shipstation - Go to https://shipstation.com and use code VIALLFILES to sign up for your FREE 60-day trial. BetterHelp - Visit https://BetterHelp.com/VIALL today to get 10% off your first month. OUAI - Go to https://theouai.com and use promo code VIALLFILES for 15% off any product. Vessi - Find your perfect fit at https://vessi.com/VIALL and get an automatic 15% off your first order at checkout.  Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @justinkaphillips @dereklanerussell @kymccarthy23 @allisonklemes  

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Welcome back to another episode of the Bot Files at Snick Edition. What's going on? Not much, but there is an interesting study that I found. And basically, it looked at how facial filters on dating apps affect your likability or your success on the app. I thought it'd be interesting to run through the conclusions that came out of it and see what you think.

What time you want. So basically, the researchers recruited 218 participants from a university in Colombia. The study was designed to stimulate a mobile dating app environment where participants make rapid judgments about unfamiliar faces. The study used 72 different faces, including 36 male and 36 female, each presented in three versions. So we have unfiltered, subtly filtered and exaggeratedly filtered.

Yeah. Filtered. Can I see these photos? They didn't release it because this is like a close study. Didn't give us examples of what? No, no, but they told us what each one meant. So like for a subtle filter, it made small difficult to detect changes to the face,

such as smoothing the skin or enhancing features slightly. Obviously the unfiltered has no filters. And then the exaggerated filters made the face look more artificial, such as enlarging the eyes or altering facial symmetry in a noticeable way. And then basically these participants ranked faces based on both likeability and trustworthiness. So, at the end of it, researchers found that the subtly filtered photos were ranked more likeable than the default photos.

Meanwhile, the heavily filtered photos were ranked less likeable than the default. I can tell you why. I'll tell you what they think after, but tell me why. Why the subtly, to do it so honestly understand, the subtly filtered performed the best essentially? Yes. Okay. Because subtly filtered, I'm thinking this person gives a shit about how they look. They take care of themselves.

They are, they're invested in their appearance, but not to the degree of misrepresenting themselves. Like they're confident in how they look, but like all of us, you us, I think I'm a decent looking guy, but I put effort and energy into my appearance to make sure that's always the case. I give a shit. As opposed to heavily filtered, you're thinking, whoa, who is this person? Is this real?

I mean, I wanna know what you look like, not like who you wish you looked like. As opposed to no filters at all, you're just like, come on, you didn't try? No, that's my take. Yeah, okay, well well so basically they said as expected yes you did as expected attractive faces were rated as more trustworthy and were liked more than unattractive faces and then neutral faces fell in between the findings support the beautiful is good stereotype where attractive people are often perceived more positively across

various traits including trustworthiness and then another is crazy and then another significant finding was that the subtle photo filters generally increased how much participants liked a face, while exaggerated filters reduced its likeability. And then basically on average, there was a clear correlation between likeability, trustworthiness, and attractiveness. So like they were saying that your success on a dating app is based on whether we trust the image we're seeing less about than like the attractiveness of it. So if like we see someone pretty and that looks like a like a natural pretty we trust that they're actually looking that way versus like someone that you can tell like there's a little bit extra like face tune in there. We automatically

are like they're pretty but if I don't like if that doesn't look real they might be like totally different in person. The face up filter. Yeah. The one where it's like everybody looks exactly the same because they all put on this. Yeah. The one where it's like everybody looks exactly the same because they all put on this like supermodel filter. But it's like, yeah, like what's why? Why do your eyes look kind of weird though? Like there's just something about it where it's like, yeah, no, I don't trust that.

And also I'm like filtering your photos. I feel like that's the most embarrassing thing that could happen is like you show up somewhere and you don't look like that photo. Back in my dating days, I was very self-conscious about looking like my photos. Because I just felt like you meet a lot of people and you're just like, the fuck? Yup. Nothing like that. So then I thought to myself, well, maybe we're all just delusional.

Maybe we all just pick the photos that we want to look like. I was like, well, maybe I'm doing this too without even realizing. So a couple of times I've been like, do I look like this person? They're like, yeah. I'm like, well, maybe I'm doing this too, without even realizing. So a couple of times I've been like, do I look like this person? They're like, yeah, I'm like, great. They would look at me like, what? It's a picture of you. I'm like, I'm just making sure.

Who is that? Yeah. Yeah. Because some people, you're just like, the fuck? Yeah. I'll never forget a buddy of mine. He's no longer needing this person. He used to be my roommate.

He was dating this girl, didn't care for her much. Okay. And then they moved in with each other. And then I went over to his house once. And it was already weird that she had pictures of herself all over. That was kind of weird. Self-love. But whatever.

Yeah, we've all known that. Me and my buddies were there. We were there for a Madden tournament. Somebody there to play video games, lose their energy. I was thinking and I wasn't going to say it. So, you know, you can judge us like you want. I'm about to judge this person. But there are pictures of her all over the room.

And we were in me. My my buddy were just like, are you seeing what I'm seeing? Because like she looked great in every photo in the house. And I'm like, wait, that's all the turp. But it was like hand selected, heavily curated photos. And then we kind of looking, they were like kind of all the same pose. You know, she like knew her angle.

She knew this one thing, but it looked nothing fucking like her, like at all. And it was just like mind blowing. And it wasn't heavily filtered. It was just highly curated. It was just like a very specific angle where the light was shining. And it was just all over the apartment,

this one pose that she had. And it was just like, and it was a picture of a girl that looked nothing like her. I just will never forget that. And it was like this, it felt like we were in the Twilight Zone. I think we all do that though. Like we all looks, Max. We all have our side.

With our clothes and whatnot. You know, for sure. I'm still figuring out mine. But there's degrees, you know? Yeah. But that's why I would add. Cause I, you know, just, you know, I'm as vain as anyone else.

I have a light side of the moon, a dark side of the moon based off of what I think, right? And so I'm trying to capture that. And that's part of the reason why I would ask people if I looked like my picture that I put on the dating app, because again, I just was like, well, maybe I'm just like her and I don't see it. Interesting study.

What's the takeaway, Justin? The takeaway is just to not filter your photos, right? No, I think the takeaway is to do what I did. Right. No, I mean, I think there's a little bit of a... I think the takeaway is you got to make sure... You know, fight against your own insecurities and your own vanity to be confident in who you are

and put yourself out there. Do you want to post flattering pictures of yourself? Of course. Dress up, get advice from your friends, do you look good, but make sure it looks like you because nothing will perform worse than misrepresenting yourself. You can never make up for that. You just can't. Maybe mix it around. Do like a couple, not heavily filtered, but like overly flattering photos and then like normal photos.

It's like people lying on their edge by a year or two on the dating app. Yeah, that is weird. I'd always be like, oh, well, no. Can't trust you. We can never be together. Because it was so easy, it was so easy. To me, it's just like, you shouldn't be that easy to lie to strangers.

Well, it's kind of what I don't like about dating apps. I've never been on one, but I'm like, I would just feel like it's like emphasizing your best qualities of who you think you are to portray to somebody, but I'm like, that may not be reality. Like if I'm like, what are my favorite things, my interests, where I'm like, oh, are to portray to somebody, but that may not be reality. Like if I'm like, what are my favorite things,

my interests, where I'm like, oh, I do like to read, but I could be like, oh, I like sports, just because I wanna get a guy that likes sports, but I don't, you know what I mean? It's as easy to lure somebody in with false pretenses of who you are, where I'm like, just be yourself. People say they like to laugh.

Sure, I guess, duh. Yeah. When someone says they like to laugh, you, I guess. Duh. Yeah. When someone says they like to laugh, you're thinking of someone who's just like walking around. Everything is laughing. I never laugh. I laugh all the time.

I'm a tough laugh. I was I wasn't so tough. But I'm a tough laugh too. I'm a tough laugh. I'm sorry. You know, I guess. But I wouldn't be like, that's a characteristic of mine. I wouldn't feel like I laugh a lot.

Okay. Like, what do you care about? Like I like to feel like I laugh a lot. Okay. Like what do you care about? Like I like to travel. How much though? Once a year, twice a year, or do you like the idea of traveling? That's what I'm saying. It's so, it's so. Vague. Yeah.

Or just like, as I said, putting forward the best idea of yourself, but maybe not who you are. Well, obviously I'm like not post your trauma either, but I'm just kind of like post what you look like, how you are and just present yourself as who you are authentically and somebody will respond to that. But like if you're misleading people with overly filtered photos

or trying to make yourself sound like the most engaging version of yourself and then being like, why do none of these things work out? It's because that's not who you are. Yeah, gotcha. Is that a lot? Yeah. Welcome to Ask Nick by the way. Oh, gotcha. Is that a lot? No. Welcome to Ask Nick, by the way.

Oh, thank you. You know, he or she was just here in studio when we were recording this intro. Stick around. Here I am. Anyways, we've got some callers lined up for you as well. As a hell of a week, we got Joey and Kelsey, you know, your favorite bachelor,

also on Dancing with the Stars, his wonderful fiance, him and her join us on reality recap tomorrow. Monica from Love is Blind is with us as well. We'll be talking a little Salt Lake City. We will be talking a little Orange County. It's a jam packed episode. And later that week, we got Charles from the Golden Bachelorette. And your favorite Golden Bachelor, right? Charles your favorite golden bachelor right Charles is

everyone's favorite Charles is with us on Thursday we got a couple exciting going deepers lined up for you the rest of this month as well so be sure to check that out before we get to our college don't forget sending your questions at ask Nick at the Vile Viles dot com that's ask Nick not ask Nick ask Nick at the Vile Viles dot com let's get to our questions. Was your dog with Nick? Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going?

Going good. My name is Alex. I'm 24 and I am living at home with my parents while dating someone kind of famous. Okay. I'm curious what you think kind of famous is. Obviously we do not want to mention this person's name or give that much context.

But what are we talking, like D, C, B? What are we, are we, is this, is athlete? Not an athlete. Not an athlete, okay. Not an athlete, actor, musician an athlete, actor, musician. Actor, musician, okay. He is, I'd say like D-list, maybe C, probably more like D-list.

Working actor. Working actor, working musician, has a decent following on social. Okay, all right. Yeah. So, other than like, obviously, this is kind of like a fun little headline and good for you for, you know,

dating someone kind of famous, kind of of fun what's your big hangup like what what you know what actually can I help you out with are you feeling self-conscious I'm guessing about the fact that you're living from home how old is he let's start with that you're gonna have to give us that he's a bit older he's like 37 which is new for me to date someone 15 years older than me. But you know, that part's fine. And he knows. So we don't, we're good there.

We have no. Yeah. You know, okay. No. Totally fine with that. And he knows that he knows my age and he knows I live at home. We actually have roached that topic, which is different from what I wrote in originally. But.

What was your original question? I'm curious. It was that I was just nervous to say that because it is a little bit embarrassing in the moment to be out in the, it's difficult to be out in the dating world. Wait, you were embarrassed that you were living at home, not being 24, right?

Yeah, no, 24 is great. Living at home is interesting trying to date Anybody let alone someone that's like established and stuff Have you always lived at home or have you moved back home after moving out? I've moved back home from college. So I've been out for like just about two years now I did some traveling went backpacking for a while and then I got a job back home but it's just not paying the bills. Gotcha. So which is a problem that I need to solve on my own. I can like definitely fix a lot of this

by getting a different job which I'm working on but nothing is clicked yet so it's really uh it's difficult to navigate the dating world with mom and dad kind of breathing down my neck all the time. Are they actually breathing down your neck? Are you joking? How involved or active in your life are they? Have they kind of resumed parents kind of like

when you were a teenager living at home? Or have they been like, oh, you're an adult now? I'd say it's a mixture. I mean, I have a really lovely relationship with my parents. I enjoy telling them everything. I like that I'm really, really close with them. But when it comes to boys, if I'm in a relationship, I tell them everything that's going on, which I think now I'm reverting back to maybe sneaking around and not giving them

all the details because if I'm out with a guy... What do you mean by sneaking around? Like, what do you... Like literally sneaking around. If I'm hanging out with this one person or in it was, I've been going on dates, dating people in the dating scene, but I'm keeping it a secret because like, if I'm out at a boy's house after midnight, it just feels weird to be able to, I can't tell them that. Like, well, they're thinking, I know, um, not if I have a cover story.

Don't you think that's a little ridiculous? Yes, it is ridiculous, but I feel the judgment from them. So it's, I've found that it's easier for me to just kind of not say stuff. And when, okay, so when you say you feel the judgment from them, what do you mean by that? The most recent example I can think of was like two or three weeks ago. And I work in the music industry. So sometimes I'm like working late nights during the week, which is normal. And this one particular time, the guy I'm talking to right now was at the place

that I work. I've already met all these friends a few times and so I got off my shift around 11, they were leaving at the same time and I went out to grab a drink with them after I got off of work. And so I was out until probably 12 30 went home and this was a Monday, but that's kind of normal for my line of work right now. I just happened to go out afterwards for a second. And my dad, the next morning was like, where'd you go last night? Why'd you get home so late? I was like, I went out to get a drink with my friends after work.

And he just goes, okay. And like rolled his eyes and walked away. It's just like the, I just feel judgment and an intensity behind some of the stuff, even though I'm 24 and they were doing the same stuff when they were 24 years old too, but they just weren't same stuff when they were 24 years old too. But they just weren't living at home. Well, this is a you problem. I know.

So, it's good that you know that. I'm sure there might be an element of a projection of the fact that I'm guessing your first option isn't to live with your parents, right? And there's probably some self judgment going on there. Normal, obviously. Parents are gonna parent, I guess. As you're telling the story about your dad,

again, I'm just a new dad here, and I'm envisioning my sarcastic, nosy ass when I wanna be, right? And if I imagine my daughter has a job, graduated from college, comes home on a Monday, it's just really easy to make snap judgments and questions like that as a parent. And so, and I get how you might feel judged there, but I'm also guessing knowing nothing, you know, from the brief, brief description, you've talked about your relationship with your

parents. If your parents were really concerned about your actions and behavior, I'm guessing they would probably talk to you and sit you down and then like, hey, like we have some concerns. I think these reactions in the morning, again, is it judgy? For sure, who gives a fuck? You know, you are talking to someone who, you know, I've thought about why ASNIC exists or why I have a knack for talking about boundaries

is because like, I've always just been really good at enforcing mine, about boundaries is because I've always just been really good at enforcing mine, you know? Because I've always been good at not letting other people's opinions of me or disappointment of me honestly just really bother me. I'm not perfect on that, but I've been generally good at that. And again, this is you just understanding

your relationship with your parents and then kind of understanding your relationship with your parents and then kind of understanding your relationship with yourself in terms of where you're at in your life. You overall have a good relationship with mom and dad, you know. And I guess the question is, you got to ask yourself, I think this has way more to do with your job and where you're at in your life. 24, very weird time, at least it was for me. I always say how like your 20s are you generally trying to live

up to the expectations you set for yourself when you were a teenager. And that's kind of stupid when you think about it because you were a teenager and you've changed and your interests and desires you know might be similar but you've evolved as a person and yet you know you had hopes and dreams for yourself and when you 18, you fantasized with yourself or with your friends or talked about what you want for yourself. And I am guessing at 24, while I'm sure you're doing very well,

you didn't fantasize about living with mom and dad. And there might have been a car in the picture that you're not driving or something. And it's as easy to like judge yourself and think I should be further along than I am at 24 because when you were 18, 24 seems so long from now and it seems so much older and you felt like you're going to be so much more accomplished and now you're living with mom and dad. And so it's just very easy to fuck with yourself about that, right?

And I think more than anything, you should give yourself a little bit of grace in that department. I turned 25, I lost my, I mean, worst birthday of my life. A few years later, I broke up with my girlfriend who I lived with, didn't want to keep living there, so I moved in with my grandma because she had a condo in the city. And I was like, fuck it, I'll just stay at your house. And I've helped, I certainly felt a certain way about that. I was 29, 28, 29, something like that. I was like, oh my God, I'm going backwards. But honestly, it was one of the best times of my life. I've never gotten closer with a grandparent than in that time,

at just time I cherish. So you're not not gonna regret these moments that you have with your parents in this little extra time. You don't sound like a loser in the sense that like, you don't, the fact that you don't like living with your parents means you're not a loser, you know? Like, right? Some people are like, oh, this is kinda nice. I don't mind this.

I mean, there's, I understand if for any, all people listening that various cultures have different, and not everyone who lives with their parents is a loser, but a lot of people are. But is any of this helpful? Yeah, I mean, I think- Trying to offer some perspective. Yeah, I mean, I agree with everything that you said because I don't find it shameful or anything that I live with my parents. And I know it a lot of that is It's my problem like I've been at my job for a year now And so I'm starting to kind of look elsewhere to see if I can find

Something that would be able I would be able to afford to move in with roommates or by myself is the city I'm in is expensive, and I just can't do it right now It's just yeah,, it is 100% it's a me problem. And I knew that you were going to say that when I was calling in, but I just get frustrated with the impending questions and the tracking of my location. And I just feel even if I even if I'm literally just with my girlfriends or with my guy friends, having a good time or sitting at their house, I'm getting messages of like, what are you doing?

When are you coming home? Like, who were you with? And it's like, I told you before I left. I'm with my two best girlfriends. So there you go. I mean, again, part of it is also now like advancing your relationship with your parents, right? And I think as adults, we have to coach our parents up

for the relationship that we wanna have as adults with our parents. Like it's a little unfair, I think, as young adults or as kids to expect our parents to go from, and I say this as a new dad, like one thing you do when you have a kid is you immediately feel guilty about your relationship with your parents, I think, a little bit.

Because the way you love your kid, you realize I probably have never fully appreciated how much my parents loved me as a kid. And I think you just have that feeling when you're a parent. And so I just think it's a little unfair for us kids to have our parents raise us a certain way, be in charge, give us life.

And for much of our early life, we are useless and completely helpless and it requires our parents to take care of us. And then at 18, when we're adults, we have the right to have a new relationship with our parents to take care of us. And then at 18, when we're adults, we have the right to have a new relationship with our parents, right? And we have the right to, you know, make our own choices and decisions. And it's not that easy for parents to just snap into this new role, right, as parents, right? So I think it's on us as kids to train our parents to tie up the relationship that we want,

which is again, comes down to communicating expectations, setting enforcing boundaries with their parents, right? So your parents have certain rights because they're allowing you to live there. And I think it's very common for parents who kids have live at home being like, our home, our rules, so to speak, within certain limits. I think it's more than like acceptable for your parents to like ask you know, our home, our rules, so to speak, within certain limits, I think it's more than like acceptable

for your parents to like ask you to let them know where you're gonna be and when you might be home. Sure, when mom and dad start asking a couple times or being, you know, who you're with, less of their business, you know? And again, you can set these rules with them and you can have a negotiation with your parents. I don't think your parents gonna kick you out

because you're like, mom, dad, come on. I've asked you, to be honest, I get it mom, I understand, but it does get a little annoying. Or just choose to not respond to them. You can choose to ignore them. You have the right to do that. And when your parents say, why don't you text us back the next day?

It's be like, I was busy with my friends, mom, and I was in a safe location. You let your parents follow your location. So that's, again, something you can choose to stop doing if you want. But you can give them that just from a safety standpoint. But honestly, you living at home has not much to do with that because as soon as you move out,

I don't share my location with my parents. Nellie shares it with her mom though, so everyone's different, that's a choice. The location thing is like when I was in college and then when I traveled, it was all the same stuff, but I wasn't in their house. So obviously living in their house is a different situation.

I do feel like we've all reverted back to when I was 16, 17, 18 years old in high school with more freedom. But that's my biggest takeaway for you is you need to stop the whole like lying and storytelling and sneaking in like that's that's silly and again you're- I'm not sneaking in. Whatever but like you stop playing the role of being a teenager because that makes it easier for your parents to see you as that teenager and not as the adult who has different rights than they did when they were 16.

And if you want your parents to treat you like an adult, act like an adult, you know? And an adult doesn't sneak around their parents. They're, an adult, you know, is less, you know, no one wants to disappoint your parents, but your parents also have to be a certain level of reasonable, you know? Your parents can feel disappointed

or they can judge you all you want, but as long as you're not doing anything inappropriate, there's no reason for you to feel judged. Yeah. If I did a certain thing where my parents rolled their eyes, as long as I was happy with my decision, my take it would be is they're just misinformed. But it's really, I don't really, you know, I don't care enough to inform them. So it's like I was just, as long as

I'm comfortable with my decisions, it's like, you know, I have the benefit of having a good relationship with my parents. I know that's not the case with everyone, but it sounds like you do as well. And so I just have the benefit of knowing my parents love me. And I know my parents will always accept me. And so like whether my parents agree with every decision, just maybe give a lot less fucks because I know they love me. You know what I'm saying?

I knew how they felt about me and I know their feelings will never change. And that was a certain level of freedom that I'm lucky enough to have had with my parent. But it sounds like you have a similar relationship. So I think it's foolish for you to play the role of the teenager when you should be playing the role of the adult.

No, I agree. I don't think I'm playing the role of a teen as the teenager per se. But you get what I'm saying. The sneaking around to a certain degree. I totally do. I'm not really actually sneaking around. It's really just like, if I'm dating somebody,

they expect to meet them, even if I've been on two dates with the person. So I refer to like, just not saying I'm dating, so I don't have to do that. But that's sneaking around. Again, that's, but you gotta hear me out here. That's your parent, your parents rule, like when you were a teenager and dating

and you got to a certain age where your parents, you know, allowed you to a date or go to a dance or something you know what I'm saying and your parents had certain rules you probably have some kind of curfew blah blah blah blah blah right your parents again there's a little bit of a gray area because you live at home but for the most part your parents don't get to set rules with you your parents can set boundaries with you now just like you can set boundaries with them right like when you when you're a kid, your parents have rules and you don't like, you know, to a certain degree you don't have much of a choice. You have

to listen to your parents. As adults, it's just boundaries. It's like, hey, this is what I want and expect from you. Your parents can set boundaries with you because you live at home. You live at home and like you can choose to respect them or not and that can be a conversation with your parents but you do not have to introduce your parents after to any guy after two dates, that's your choice. If you want to go nuts, if you don't, you don't have to, you're an adult.

And you can say, hey mom, dad, I hear you but like honestly, dating for me, just so you know, I move a lot slower, you know, and I don't know if that's true or not, but like you could just say like, I wanna date people just to get to know people's personalities and like, I'm not gonna introduce you to every guy

I've gone on two dates with, it's just not. But when I'm actually excited or interested in someone, just trust my judgment that I'm gonna introduce you to someone when I'm ready, you know? And that's the conversation you should be having with mom and dad, and they should respect that. But you know what I'm saying? It's about changing your rules, and that's what I'm saying.

You have the right to say, well, mom and dad don't get to have the same expectations they had of you when you were 17, but you are allowing them to have those expectations, so it's on you. Because mom and dad are never gonna change. They're never gonna change. You know what I'm saying?

Like it's so hard, you know, they're, you know, I'm guessing they see you as, you know, their little girl. So it's harder for them. You gotta show them that you're the woman that you are. You know, the adult person. Yeah, I've definitely tried to set some boundaries, but my mom is usually on my side about stuff like this she wants me to have freedom and like

And a dad's gonna be it's it's dad dad's like well I'm your dad you live here, and I'm like you're right. I do sure anything but your dad's testing you you know what I'm saying, he's testing you because Of course your dad's gonna say that you gotta say it. You know there's'm saying? He's testing you. Because of course your dad's gonna say that, but you gotta say it. There's a certain level of like, until you, it tells, again, if you listen to this show, I was using this analogy for a different situation in dating, but if you give someone 10,

or what was it, if you give someone 10, if you accept 10, they're not gonna give you 20 or something. So it's the same thing where like your dad's not going to give up a certain level of influence and power he has over you until you push back, you know what I'm saying? And like, and I'm not saying this has to be a fight, this can be a fun relationship between, you know, daughter or father, he might respect you for it,

you know what I'm saying? But you're gonna have to show him why you are capable of making decisions for yourself and that he's done a good job of raising you and now you're gonna take what you've learned from him and make your own decisions and he's not always gonna be obsessed with all of them and that's okay. But you have to show him, it's on you to show him if you want him to change It's he's never gonna change the relationship. He doesn't want to yeah I'll keep on trying you can do it

But like you just have to you have to care like you have to see it for what it is Yeah, you have a good relationship with your parents. They're gonna push you they're gonna push your boundaries They're gonna your dad and that's the advantage your dad has over you. And that's why you say, I'm gonna try with a little bit of a defeatist attitude because your dad is very comfortable with enforcing his boundaries with you. That's been his whole relationship with you because they used to just be rules and he still sees them as rules. And so it's very easy for him to enforce that boundary. And it's very difficult because you saw those things that you had to do but you don't have to do them anymore so it's a little like dipping your toe in the water but you have to use your common sense and know that you're a 24 year old adult and you do not need their permission to do certain

things and to be honest the only weapon he has in his arsenal is a little bit of a huffing and puffing and a little bit of a judgment that's all he's got you know he's not gonna kick you out it's. That's all he's got. You know, he's not gonna kick you out. It's all that's all he's got. It's not much, you know, and you just have to, you got it, you got it, you got to get through that threshold. To be completely honest, I'm so scared that like, let's say, because I would not ever do this because I would be scared that this would actually happen, but let's say I do revoke the location privileges or like I do spend the night at somebody's house. I would be absolutely pressurized

that I would be thrown out of the house. Are you being serious? I'm being so serious just because he is so, we're both kind of hotheaded because we've had these conversations and we've gotten into arguments about it. And I've also talked to my mom about it and I try to be calm but he's just so like straight arrow just like the same way he has been.

And he's a great dad. I'm sure he is. But I would be nervous. Like legitimately nervous. Okay well I would still for as your friend I would still encourage you to be willing to test that and if that were if you were to do that and your dad does a thing that you'd be nervous about, it would be super important for you to just remain calm

and say some version of like, okay, kind of be prepared for it. If your dad goes to the whole exercise of losing his shit for a little bit and threatens to kick you out, it's gonna be a temper tantrum and mom is gonna eventually calm him down. But in the moment, you don't react you don't you just you you pack you you pack your bags, but okay

Well, you know, obviously I'm gonna have some time to figure it out But I'm gonna go stay at Becky's house for now or your boyfriend's house or whatever and you just call, you know You just say okay you that's all you say and I that will be very powerful and he will not be expecting that. What he'll be expecting you is to either fight back or beg for his forgiveness. And you're going to do the thing he would never expect, which is just calmly say, Okay, well, I mean, I don't agree with you. I'm sorry you feel this way, but I am going to respect. You know, okay, okay, you have the right to do that. But I also have the right as an adult to like over at someone's house, I'm 24 years old.

And he'll calm down and mom will do her thing. Yeah, no, that's good. I like that, I'll listen back to that one. I mean, again, this is really just about changing your relationship with your parents. I strongly feel it is our jobs as our kids to do that because I can tell you as a new parent, I won't. I'll do my best, but I'm gonna be her dad

as long as she lets me be her dad. And when she insists on me, I'll always be her dad, but being more of a friend and a mentor and someone who's there for her when she needs, then I'll have to respect that. But I doubt very much I'm gonna give that up if I don't have to. Yeah, no, that makes sense.

I get it. All right, well, I will say, dating someone 15 years older than you, he will be very excited when you move out with your parents. And the fact that he's pretty chill about, you know, is a green flag. Because it would, if he was shady, I think it would bother him more.

Yeah, I haven't dated anyone that has a problem with the fact that I live with my parents, which is good. That's good. If I did, I wouldn't date them, though. Well, good to hear. Yeah. All right. Well, hopefully this was helpful.

It was. No, I appreciate it. I need to keep having those conversations. I would love an update because I think this is like, if you're willing, this is the start of your journey with your parents and changing your relationship. And it is going to come with a couple of awkward or difficult conversations. And the key of all of it is your ability to remain calm and be in control and understand,

see the forest through the trees and anticipate your dad's reaction. If you can anticipate someone's reaction, then you're in control of that situation. It's like in chess or in sports. If you know the play they're going to run, you have the advantage. So anticipate his reaction, know what you're going to do. Don't act surprised when he does a thing you anticipate him to do and don't emotionally react because that's what he's expecting. When you don't do something

they're expecting, you gain that power. Yeah. I like it. All right. Good luck. I like it. All you gain that power. Yeah, I like it. All right, good luck. I like it. All right, take care. Thank you, appreciate it. Bye-bye. You too.

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BetterHelp. Overcome your fears with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash viall today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P dot com slash viall. How's it going? Hi, my name is Dana and I want to know if I should keep dating a guy after I found out he has a restraining order against him. Okay.

Well, offer some more context because I'm guessing you know that the obvious answer for me and everyone else listening is kind of like, no, run, you know, like so. Um, why are you considering it? Why, you know what I'm saying? Because this comes down to the fact that you're asking tells us that you, you realize this is maybe not, like we said, like what you would just maybe advise a friend, your instincts, but you want to look past this. You wanna look past it. So why convince me that you should, so to speak,

or let's walk through it. Because you get what I'm saying? Yeah, no, that's totally fair. So, and honestly, if I was being asked the same question by my friend, I'd be like, why, why are you even asking? So I met him like three weeks ago and the first date was great, great connection. He's really engaging. He's funny. He's smart. You know, he has a good job. Like he has all these things. And like, it was probably the first date I've had in a long time where it felt like a real

connection. And then after, within those three weeks, I started kind of feeling like, okay, I can see him around my friends. I can see us doing things together. I can see us like building our lives together in a way that I haven't felt with previous dates. So there's that. And so everything was going really, really well up until he dropped this news

on me, he didn't have the restraining order when we first started dating. Um, it happened after those three weeks. So he got served it with within those three weeks. Oh my God. So. Yeah. So herein lies the bigger issue for me. Um, cause he got served with it.

This is worse, right? Yeah. That's worse than five years ago. Yes and yes. No, yes. Oh no. Tell me no. Well, because who was it first of all, and why did this person feel they need to do that?

Right. So it was the last girl he was dating before me. In our state, it's really easy to get a restraining order. So you just, you basically file it online, you do a thing with the judge over the phone and you can get a restraining order. And it can be just based off of texts you receive. Well, we learned this just this past week

recording on our Rally Recap episode with Emily Baker when we were talking about the Devon restraining order, we learned that kind of like you just said, there's a difference between what is it a preliminary restraining order or a... so yeah, you can get one real quick. Temporary. A temporary restraining order. Thank you.

So is this a temporary restraining order or is this, have they gone to court and filed the actual restraining order? Well, I don't know fully. All he's told me is that it's a restraining order and that he did get served it by the sheriff's department. And the way that it works here is you can just, you can do the hearing over the phone. And then if you want to go to court to fight it, then you can do that. So as of right now, as far as he knows, and I know he has a restraining order, like a full on one. And then if he wants to get rid of it,

he can go to court and fight it then. Okay, I'm assuming he's- So I don't know if it's temporary or not. Okay, well you should do your homework. Yeah. I guess that'd be my first bit of advice. But I still, you don't seem to agree with me, but I feel like the fact that this is current and ongoing

makes it messier and worse of a situation. If this was a few years ago, you know, he's potentially out of the mess, more mature, yada yada. But what is his explanation, you know, in terms of how this all happened? Yeah, I'd love to hear that. So what he's saying is it was basically based off of just a couple of Teddy texts he sent. He said, you know, and the vibe I get off of him, I couldn't even imagine him saying

anything threatening or dangerous because that's just not like, funny enough, I've been in worse situations. So I can, I feel like I can kind of recognize when somebody is that way and he doesn't seem like that. And basically it was the last girl he was dating, their breakup or when they ended things, it got kind of messy between both of them. So there's a lot of back and forth texting. And then I guess maybe a couple of weeks

after they had stopped talking officially, he had sent her some petty texts and he did offer to show me petty. Yeah. Yeah. You should know what those texts are. You know, like a sarcastic, like hope you're doing well kind of thing or hope you're doing well with that other guy kind of stuff. It's kind of how he said it to me. But you need to offer you need to see him you do you think so? There's he offered to have me look at them. Okay. Well you should have said yes. I was scared Well that should tell you something You know this guy doesn't like this is nothing against him. He doesn't deserve the benefit of the doubt

You've been dating him for less than a month You know nothing about this guy the fact that you have been in some worse situations dating. Yeah. And like trust your instincts. I'm not going to tell you not to do that. Right. Uh, and so you probably have, you know, you have more experience in that than I, so I'll, you know, I'm not going to tell you to get not trust your instincts.

That being said, it wouldn't, I don't know, I'm making this up or or this stat up, because I don't know if it's actually true, but I don't think it would be that shocking to find out that a lot of people who have restraining orders against them make great first impressions. Every situation is different. We now know of a guy, Devin, who had a restraining order against him. There's some pretty alleged aggressive stuff in that,

and this guy won the bachelorette. So I think some people are better at masking it than others. That being said, listen, it is very easy, it sounds like, to get a restraining order put against you and breakups can be messy and pettiness goes both ways and maybe she was as petty as well. I don't know, but I would wanna see those messages. You can't be afraid of the truth in this situation. If you're afraid of the truth, then you aren't in a position to date this guy.

You aren't set up for success. You need to, you know, you need to have, you know, if you're gonna take a risk like this, and it's a risk, and maybe it's unfair to him. I mean, the most pragmatic thing to do and I think you know this would be to tell him to clean up his mess and to follow up with you once he does. That's what you should do.

Right, so that's what I did. Oh, okay. I ended up, yeah, so, but I ended up telling him, because we had a big conversation about it and he told me all this over the phone. So I told him, give me a know, because we had a big conversation about it. And I, he told me all this over the phone. So I told him, give me a day, let me think about it. Because that's just a lot of information to take in.

And I have had a friend who had something that was filed against him and the girl came out later and admitted she was lying about it at all. So it's like, I know that things like that can happen. But it's also a small percentage, like, you know, I would think. And so I did tell him that when we talked face to face about it, I was like, hey, you know, I think that you should handle this first

and get this under control before we really start something because I don't want this to be in the back of your mind. I also don't want to be a point of contact for it. Cause he was kind of asking me questions like, you know, what do you think I should do? And I was like, I don't think I should answer that. Yeah, you shouldn't be giving him advice or anything like that.

Another thing you want to consider too, is that, you know, regardless of whether it was justified or not by this person who filed it. Let's give them the benefit of the doubt in that regardless of what happened, he's not a bad guy and he's not dangerous, but maybe he did say something that was off-putting to her

and she has the right to feel a certain way about it, but it was an honest, you know what I'm saying? Like maybe she's slightly overreacting, but maybe she's not completely overreacting. You know, maybe it's that. So let's assume that, right? This is a vulnerable situation for him, right? Bringing up herpes, right?

I think when it comes to herpes, why it's such a interesting dating conversation and with STDs is that it's something that's not curable that you have to live with if you contract it. But it's not the dating death sentence that a lot of people feel it is if they were to contract it. It's shockingly more common than people realize, which is also why people should practice more safe sex than they do, but I digress.

But my point is, if someone were to be diagnosed with that, it can be a very scary feeling, right? And so you immediately have a fear of being undateable, you know? So he is going to immediately, and you know, you're a very beautiful woman, and I'm sure you will have a lot of guys that you can date, but I'm just saying to this guy, immediately, you're that much more of a catch. You're that much more desirable because he doesn't like, you know'm saying like he's just like it well listen He's like who cares if I marry her whatever you know this this restraint I won't maybe she's the last person I'll ever have to confess this to you know So there's a little bit of that and I'm not saying that that he's you know and this isn't gonna be some sort of

Machiavellian or malicious thing. I'm just saying he potentially, even if he's a solid guy and this restraining order is overblown or just, he's not dangerous, it wouldn't blow my mind if three or four months from now after he has passed this, that wears off and then he has to see you for who you really are to him. And you know what I'm saying? And so there is that risk of him

seeing you through rose-colored glasses in a way he might not if he wasn't currently dealing with this. Right. And that's a part of my concern is because with some of the stuff I've been through in the past, I try to be understanding of people's situations. I try to, because anything can happen to you at any time, right? Like, like, like what you're talking about with STDs, you know, something can happen to you and you have to be upfront about that. And it's going to affect how you do other things in your life. And so I try to be understanding about that. And that's, I think that's why I'm trying to go into this with an open mind, just because

I did get such a good vibe from him to begin with and how he's handled it afterwards too. You know, he's not trying to overly impress me and like brush it under the rug or anything. He's being very, we've kind of taken a little bit of a step back, you know, so like, I don't feel like he's trying to take advantage of me in that way, but I am worried that he's gonna, I guess, yeah, this is gonna be at the forefront of his mind, and our relationship's gonna be on the back burner. And then, like you're saying, later on, it's gonna be like, oh, I don't really like you for you, you were just patient enough to deal with me

while I was going through this, thanks, but I'm out. And then. Yeah, and it won't be like that, he will just slow play it, but if that were, you know what I'm saying? So it sounds to me like you're doing the right thing. I'm assuming he's going to fight this, right? I'm assuming, you know, because if he wins, I'm assuming it wouldn't be on his record,

if that's, I don't know. Anyways. Exactly, yeah. You should see the messages. Yeah, and it's not necessarily that I'm super scared. I think I also was trying to, I was trying to go into it with a, well, if I'm gonna trust him, I should trust him.

I don't need to see them to trust him. And if, I think you should limit your conversations with him, but I think if you do continue to talk to him in any capacity, I think it should be communicated and understood between the two of you that neither of you deserve the benefit of the doubt from each other about trust. Why should you guys trust each other?

I'm not saying you should assume the other person is a lying piece of shit, but you should proceed cautiously. As the Russians used to say, trust but verify, so to speak, early in dating. And so even if this is just bad luck for him, if he's really a decent guy, and if he really didn't do anything wrong, then it won't matter that you don't give him

him the benefit of the doubt, because he will prove to you that he is a decent guy. If you do ask to see these messages, they will turn out to be something that you also agree with him, which is like, she's overreacting if it's based off of that, right? You know what I'm saying?

So like, and he shouldn't be offended by that because if he was in your position, he would absolutely want and should do the same thing, which is to look because every once in a while, small percentage too, that like, you know, there are crazy, scary, narcissistic, sociopathic people out there and we never think we're gonna run into them and when we do, they present as normal,

especially very early on and I'm not saying he is or you should assume he is, but like, you guys both should be allowed to verify what you're learning about each other and you shouldn't just not have to look. And especially when something like this presents itself. He doesn't deserve the benefit of the doubt. Is it fair to him?

No, but life's not fair. And if I were a good guy, well, I like to think I am, but if I were in his shoes, it wouldn't offend me. I'd want you to see, I'd want you to know that I'm a good guy, you know what I'm saying? It wouldn't bother me that you'd want you to see, I'd want you to know that I'm a good guy. You know what I'm saying? It wouldn't bother me that you looked, or you'd wanna see.

I'd be like, why should she trust me? She doesn't know me. So I guess that's a good thing he offered, but I mean, I'm not gonna give him like full, I'm not saying that's like the saving grace here, but I do think that's what's been hard for me is because he has been so open about it. He has wanted me to see them, to talk to me about it.

And I do know that a lot of people would just try to hide it and lie about it. You also should ask more questions about the messy breakup. Yeah. Because like, you know, I'll say this, over the years, I've, you know, I've become friends with men and women, right? And I've become friends with men and women right and I've become friendly with men that I had heard from maybe their dating past that their ex-girlfriends accused them of maybe being slightly problematic and

it was kind of unclear what the accusations were and so I kind of chalked it up to immature people you know young people just kind of both being messy, right? Because a lot of times when we're in our early 20s and we don't know how to be in love, it can get kind of messy. And since there wasn't any real specific kind of claims or anything, it was just more, but there was a suggestion that they were a little too, that they were toxic, I don't know. But the people, I was getting to know them and I was like, I don't know, man, they seem all right to me. I don't really get that sense. Only to find out as they got into other relationships

that they had a side to them. And that side was, you ever see Seinfeld, the Bad Breaker Upper episode? Well, there's a Seinfeld episode. You should watch it. It's funny. But a land's day in the sky where they call him the Bad Breaker Upper. Relatively nice guy, but if he gets broken up with,

he just throws insults or whatever. And it's like a comedy, but it's just like, some people just have a side when they don't get their way and when they go through a breakup or whatever, and they can be really, there could be a side there that is like, holy shit, man, like Jesus. And if that's the case, he doesn't see it. You know what I'm saying?

And like the people I know, and again, it's not like the people I'm talking about, I'm not in a position to say whether they were abusive or anything, but it seemed clear that the kind of cryptic accusations from the past and what I learned about the person, there were more parallel, it made more sense to me, right? And there was a side to this person

that was a little aggressive and a little toxic where you thought, you know, I don't know, there's a scary side there. And I don't know, maybe, does it go to a darker place? You get what I'm saying? And I just think, and so if nothing else, again, he doesn't deserve the benefit of the doubt, you need to ask more questions about the breakup. From his point of view, how did it get messy? What was said that he

might have regretted? What did you say to her that might have been cruel? Because it probably wasn't just some text messages. Maybe that's why he's so willing to show you the text messages, because maybe the text messages on their own don't look like much, but from her point of view, it's everything leading up to that. Maybe she set a boundary with him that was like a result of some things he said to her in the fight that were pretty like aggressive or off-putting, and she's like, never speak to me again or else,

and then he did, and she was like, all right, I'm gonna file this fucking restraining order and maybe that conversation with her would shed a light that he's clearly not gonna share with you. I don't know, but it's possible. And like you said, do some people make false claims? Absolutely, but it's definitely a really small percentage especially relative to the people who file valid claims.

Right, and I think that's what's bothering me is because I don't have enough data to know. Like, you know what I mean? If I had been dating for a year or two even, and at least had some more time with him to really fully understand more about his character, then, you know, I might, and he said, oh yeah, like, you know, within the first month of us dating,

actually this had happened, but I got it taken care of. I'd have more data to fall back on, but, you know, with what he has told me, I me I'm you know I've even said this to him you know that if I was her friend I probably would have told her to do the same thing or I could understand because they had only known each other for like two months and then it got so messy. So I you know I told him from a female's perspective that you know I could see why maybe she went down that road even if it was just that, you know, I could see why maybe she went down that road, even if it was just petty texts in your eyes,

I could see where she was coming from. So like- That's the thing, right? Because short of her being completely psychotic and nutso, there was a reason she did this. And even if it was a slight overreaction on her part, there was most likely a reason. And even if she's a total overreaction on her part, there was most likely a reason. And even if she's a total psycho,

then there's a, well, why were you dating someone who was an absolute nightmare? And then, you know, that might be slightly unfair because it is so new and we all have been duped by people. But my guess is most likely there is a reason. And doesn't mean that he's a bad guy, but he should, if nothing else, be able to talk through and acknowledge a role he played

and something to take away from it. I think there's something to learn about him that he probably doesn't want you to know, or maybe is unwilling to learn about himself. Yeah, and if not that, I also, I think one of my other concerns, because the restraining order itself like I think deep Down I know is probably enough to just say okay

Let's at least take a break and then handle that and let's talk later I think the bigger concern for me too is that it was so recent So that tells me that because the last Texas Center would have been maybe a couple days before our first date So that tells me that I don't know of his head and correct me if I'm wrong. That's kind of what I want to ask you to is that tells me that he hasn't fully healed from that and. I don't want to be a placeholder, like while he's still figuring out if he's over her or not, you know?

Yeah, I mean, you know, healed might be a strong word because he's only, like I said, it's only been two months and if he needs to heal from this, then yikes. I mean, the restraining order, that's, you know, that's I'm sure traumatic for him and that might fuck with him. So there is that too. Like, I mean, yeah, and it might be unfair,

but like he's gonna probably have to deal with this, but how old are you again? 32. Okay, well you're young. Might not feel like that for you, I don't know. 32 is definitely not the time to start like dating potentially dangerous, scary men. Yeah.

Just because you had a nice little connection the first couple of months. And I'm not saying he is, but I don't think we're at the point where we're like, you know what, fuck it. I really need a guy. Right. That's fair. If nothing else, I think we're on the same page that you really need to pull back here, create some space, let them figure it out. Doesn't mean you can't keep tabs. Doesn't mean you have

to completely cut them off. But if you're going to have them in your life in any degree, you need to take him up on the offer of learning more about the situation and ask him questions. And even if it feels a little interrogating, if he really wants you to give him a shot, he owes you as much. And it might not be fair. Sometimes we just have to deal with our shit

and he needs to deal with this. But there's most likely a reason why she did it. And even if that doesn't mean he's scary, I'm willing to bet there's a good chance that it's not just about the text messages that he sent, and he's selling it as show, and he's willing to, and I would ask more questions about the actual breakup, and the entire fight from the moment they broke,

did she break up with him? No, he ended up breaking up with her, but it was because she was seeing another guy, so at the same time. So she seeing another guy. So at the same time. So she chose another guy? Yeah. So she was probably, you know, cause it's 2024, she was dating but not exclusive.

They weren't boyfriend and girlfriend. He liked her a little bit more than she liked him. He was ready to be in a relationship. She wasn't. He chose another guy and he feels a certain way about it. Right. Gotcha. Yeah, that's pretty much the gist.

I mean, the reality is, is like, there's a good chance, is that like, to me that tells me he's probably, there's a, again, might be unfair, definitely a possessive quality he might have. Yeah. You know, because, like, let's just play this out. What's the most likely explodation, right? Like we just talked about. He got a little,

he liked her, she wanted a date. Again, maybe she's a bad communicator. Maybe his point of view is that like she told me I was the only one or maybe I'm guessing she probably just kept it vague. And he made assumptions about where they were. And then when he found out what the reality was he was offended because he made assumptions that were inaccurate and he blamed her for his assumptions. We do that a lot when we make assumptions and we feel like asses we we want to blame someone who we tell ourselves made it okay to assume and so it wouldn't shock me if that was where it all started. And think about from her point of view, it's like I had the right to date multiple people,

I'm dating multiple people, and here this guy is kinda talking to me like he has some type of ownership over me or that I owed him in some type, and he's really pushing back in an aggressive way for a guy who was never my boyfriend. And he probably gave a little bit of that energy. And then I'm guessing that last text message

he's so willing to show you, which is probably nothing, sent her over the edge. And it wouldn't shock me if she asked him to not ever reach out to her and then he did. Right, and that's kind of what I thought about seeing them too is I don't know, but you guys could have all said phone conversations, in-person conversations that are the ones that actually made her feel that way. And then this, like you said, is the final,

final tipping point. So I don't know, I think with talking with you, it's helped reaffirm a lot of what my gut was telling me. But my brain was trying to say, okay, well, you know, you had a really good connection. You're trying to be patient. You're trying to be understanding. And I was trying to give him the benefit, the doubt, but I think it is good to hear that I don't necessarily owe him that. Not even necessarily.

You absolutely do not. Okay. Okay. Yeah. But your instinct will want to, because you know, as a human being, we want to be courteous with people we like, we want to show our willingness to be graceful and considerate and loving and endearing.

And so your instinct will be to do that and you have to fight that instinct because this isn't a normal situation. And the more I talk it through with you, the more I would just, I would proceed with caution. If you are going to consider it, if you're not capable of asking him direct questions that feel a little bit uncomfortable

and a little violating of his privacy, then you're not ready, you're not in a position to date this guy, would be my one bit of tough love for you. Yeah, and that's fair. And I think that has absolutely been a part of it is I haven't wanted to be invasive, you know, because I already felt like he was dealing with a lot, so I didn't want to push that further

or reopen that wound. And he has the right to not want to deal with that, because again, you guys have only been dating for three weeks, it would be more than right to say, hey listen, I really like you, but I have to deal with this shit, and I don't want this to get messy with you, so like, can I deal with this shit? And like't want this to get messy with you. So like, can I deal

with this shit? And like, at the right time, I'll be ready to answer all your questions if you're ready to give me another shot. I'll totally understand if you don't want to, but like, I just gotta deal with it." And he would have the right to say that and that would be a normal response. You know, you have to take care of yourself and protect yourself in this situation. You don't know him at all and you don't owe him anything. situation, you don't know him at all and you don't owe him anything. Mm hmm. Yeah.

And I also don't even know what answers I would think are acceptable. You know what I mean? Like if I'm asking him about his breakup and all that, I mean, I think we naturally are going to go towards, well, they did this and this is how I feel about, uh, how they treated me in the relationship. Sure. Because. And I don't know if there's any. Well, sure. and his explanation will be

from his point of view, from his feelings and things like that, and your instinct will be to empathize with him. You need to ask him these direct questions from the PO as her friend. Yeah, that's fair. And that's the mindset you should have. You're her girl, and she asked you to talk to him,

and because she's got her blind spots on, so she asked as a friend to her to talk to him to get a read on if he's for real or not. And that's the mindset you need to have. And those are the instincts you need to activate. That's a good point, yeah. I will try to do that. I think I need to go at it from a different

perspective or just pull back a lot more, if not completely, and just follow my instincts. Okay. All right. Well, keep us posted what you decide to do and how it plays out. I will. Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. We appreciate it. Good luck. Thanks. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. It is incredibly hard to find the right hair care products for your hair. Everyone's hair is different and I have sworn by Way for a really long time.

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My name is Elle. Hi Elle, how old are you? I am 52. And how can we help? I'm trying to get back into the dating scene and have a disability that I have been dealing with. And I have a disability that I have been dealing with. And, um, after being married for a while, it's kind of an interesting way to get back in when you have a new body.

Okay. So what is your disability? So I went through sepsis, um, in 2007, which is like a blood poisoning for those that don't know. And it takes over your system. And so I lost part of both legs and part of both hands because of that. you know, blood poisoning for those that don't know. And it takes over your system. And so I lost part of both legs and part of both hands because of that.

And so, yeah. You lost both hands and both feet? Yeah, both kind of mid calf on both sides. Okay. And then part of both of my hands, yes. Okay, well, I'm sorry you experienced that. That must've been very difficult. Well, thank you.

Yeah, it's tough. And that happened when you were married? Yeah, I was married, very active, still active, but, you know, life was just, you know, fine. How did it affect your marriage? Yeah, so we were only married for six months also, when this happened. Okay. So, you know, we had to learn a lot really quick about what support really means and how to communicate. What I had to learn though, and this is something which is part of this whole discussion, I believe, is how to be vulnerable and ask for help.

Sure, yeah. Because you don't wanna be seen as either weak or that now your partner's become a caretaker versus a partner, there's a whole host of things. But because I knew him and it was a familiar situation, it was an easier transition. But yeah, I mean, he was actually really, really supportive and really good as far as that goes.

You know, we, I think, split for a lot of different reasons. But one thing I have learned about myself through this is the vulnerability of this, probably could have impacted my relationship because insecurities go through the roof. But that's just one little tiny piece, but yeah. Question, and I appreciate you or your willingness to answer if you are,

but there seems to be a lot of advancements when it comes to technology, when it comes to people who have lost limbs. Absolutely. Have you been able to take advantage of that and kind of like, what are you working with? I guess is my question. Yeah, what am I working with?

So yeah, so I should really get prosthetics. You know, I have several sets actually. I can stay really active. So the legs aren't so much the issue, it's my hands because I have prosthetics. They are really pretty. I can paint my nails, I can wear jewelry, that kind of thing.

So they look fine, they're just not very functional. The ones that are functional would mean I would have to lose more of what I have. But they have to cut off some of your hand to get the more? Yeah, it's a whole thing. I mean, that's like a whole other podcast. Are you even considering that? Is that something that's in the back of your mind or is it just like a crazy option that

you're like, you know it exists, but it's never been something you've really looked into? Yeah, it's so interesting because I was actually up for a hand transplant at one point. Okay. So that, yeah, so that was a big discussion and everything. I turned it down for a lot of reasons, but because it was still fairly new and everything. But also it is so weird to someone who has their hands,

you would think, you know, if you have the option to get something or to do something else, why wouldn't you? Yeah, I don't know. I do not. I don't presume to know what it's like. You learn to deal without it. And so they're all they can almost be like a hindrance. For sure. Yeah. To me in some ways. That makes sense. Anyway, let's get into the dating of it all. Yeah.

So what are your biggest hangups? Like, what can I help you with? So biggest hangups are, yeah. So some, a few things are, you know, the way now most of the time to date, as we all know, is through these dating apps. And so presenting myself on, I have tried numerous things. Okay. So I have tried photos where I show my disability and see what kind of you know hits like get off of that. I've tried photos without showing it and then just like showing up which I don't think is the best way to go. However, usually if I get someone in person it's way better than trying to explain it on paper because I don't look like what it sounds like. I hear what you're saying. Yeah, yeah. Do you see what I'm saying? Yeah, so I've tried that and then I explain why I didn't tell them and we've had that conversation. So what ends up happening is I have a great rapport,

we'll have a date and maybe a great date, but I can't get to that third or fourth date because I'm sure this is, you know, it's a fear or it's something that comes up. We don't discuss it I mean they'll they'll maybe have a question or sue but I think it just you know so so my question really to you is from a guy's point of view because guys are so much more physical or appearance looking and all of that is You know, how how do I show up and present myself without misleading?

Well, I think there's a couple things you wanna consider. Well, I'm not gonna sit there and pretend that your disability doesn't have an impact on your dating life, all right? Sure. At the same time, if you listen to this show at all, there's a lot of people out there who have all their limbs and have a hard time getting to a third or fourth date.

So there is that. And it wouldn't surprise me if you, you know, it makes sense that you always assume it's your disability, but it might not be, right? So I think one, as I'm sure you have many times before this, you've had to accept the cards you've been dealt, you know, and kind of deal with it, right? And so I don't think it does you any good

to assume that it's with it, right? And so I don't think it does you any good to assume that it's always that, right? I think if you can't get to a third or fourth date, you're better off just assuming that this wasn't my person. And also you have to fight against the desire just to get to a third date because then you stop learning

about whether you even like these people. You're so worried about them accepting you that you're not spending any time. Getting to know these people, you're just hoping that they accept you, you know, and then that's, that makes you vulnerable long-term. Right. Exactly. So, which gets to the authenticity of it all, because you don't want to be in that cycle of getting them just to like me

and then I don't even understand what I want. And you know, it's like sometimes I just want to have the choice to judge them before they judge me. You can do that. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. That's a mindset, right? And I honestly would like before you even said that, what I was going to say is you got to figure out how to go on these dates with a sense of confidence and pickiness

and kind of like, I don't know, I'm gonna like this guy. Right now you're going into, God, how do I tell him? It's all about your disability. To answer your immediate question, I don't know. I don't know the best way. I don't know if there is a best way. I don't think there is any good way, right? Because we know that if you, you know,

on the dating apps, if you're showing pictures, you're just, I don't know. Let's just talk in reality rather than what's the best way. If you're showing photos of your disability on dating apps, you're gonna get less matches. But quite honestly, less matches on a dating app might be a good thing. Because I think a big problem with dating apps, it's gonna get less matches. But quite honestly, less matches on a dating app might be a good thing. Because I think a big problem with dating apps,

it's the assumption of abundance, it's, you know, and things like that. We get overwhelmed with our choices. I don't think this is a filter that you want, but it is a filter that you have in terms of judging men who might not just be interested in getting to know someone with a disability. Now, that being said, the reality is,

we know that can also be discouraging, right? It's one thing to accept that, like, regardless if we have a disability or not, we are not everyone's cup of tea, you know what I'm saying? Like, there's a million reasons why someone might not wanna date us. And rejection's never easy and never fun.

You know, it's one thing to acknowledge that we have to accept rejection, it's another thing to, like to not let it get to us. Right, so can I, and I just wanna say this too, in most every aspect of my life, I don't lead with my disability. Yeah, that makes sense. I don't talk about it that much, you know what I mean? Like, that's not how I see myself,

but it's so different now that it's made me focus on it when it comes to this particular part of my life. What age of men are you dating? Probably 40s to mid 50s. Okay. So you're getting young. Well, I mean, you know.

Go for you, pop off, queer. There's a lot of positives there, you know. Yeah. Yeah. Well, and I have a very young spirit, so I don't see myself that way. Are you looking for a lifelong companionship or are you looking to get laid? Yes.

Which one? I am looking for, I'm looking for, I'm looking for companionship. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. Which, you know. I mean, listen, I guess what I was gonna say is like, you know, you're still young, right?

You know, I guess as we get older, you know, because everyone always, you know, when I was 30 and single, everyone's just like, everything's about looks, dick, and what, as if I was not supposed to give a shit. But yeah, listen, eventually as we get older, companionship and who we want to spend our time with and enjoying the people we do spend our time with

becomes a lot more important than just physical appearance, but we still wanna be attracted to the people we date. How long you been dating for? Like how recent is this new kind of journey for you? Yeah, so, oh, it's been about five years. Oh, okay, so you've been dating for a while. Yeah.

I mean, in five years, what has worked better for you? What is honestly, I still misleading, so it's not my ideal, but what has really worked is just to show up. Yeah, I think that's fine. Not to talk about it beforehand and not to show pictures or anything, just to show up and just explain.

And for the men- You know, what's going on. And for the men that you did that, did they act misled? Did you ever get a second date? Yes. Okay, you got second dates. They did they act misled? Did you ever get a second date? Yes. Okay. You got in second. They did not seem misled.

Um, so yeah, I mean, that's the thing. It's like, I feel like before this happened and prior to being married, that like the dating was a lot easier. And I had a whole, I, you know, like the algorithm worked for me, you know, like what I was interested in, what I liked, what they, you know, it all came back and forth and it was working. Now I feel like I've got this really screwed up algorithm of like what I'm interested in and what I like is not coming back.

And I don't know if it's the way I'm showing up. I don't know if it's my disability. I don't know what. And then the guys that are interested, I'm not interested at all. Welcome to dating. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, exactly.

So that's it. That is my point though. So like, here you are, you omitted that a bit of information that like there are people that you could date and feel confident in, and that you feel like want to date you, but you're not interested in.

And that's something everyone experiences regardless of their disability. So that is something the fact that you kind of left it out early on tells me that you are over weighting your disability as it relates to the difficulties that you're experiencing in dating. Maybe. But from a guy's perspective, because you're right I'm well aware I'm not bothered by it at all it's just life. When we see someone with a disability or perspective, because you're right, I'm well aware, I'm not bothered by it at all, it's just life. When we see someone with a disability or a challenge that we're not used to, we can take a pause and think differently. But would you rather see photos up front or would you rather know up front? I'm a judgey person.

Yeah. You know? know up front, would you rather be surprised? I'm a judgy person. Yeah, I mean most guys are. And so that's, or it isn't guys, people in general. Yeah, so I'm just kind of figuring this out. Listen, yeah. You've been doing this for five years. I think you should continue to do what you think works best for you. I don't think you're committing any type of crime at all

by slightly misleading these guys. You're doing it for a valid reason. It makes sense why you're doing it. You have a little bit of data to do that. And again, it's not that misleading. We are all, in some degree, misleading people on dating apps with the pictures we post and the things we say.

We don't list the fact that, to be honest, I'm a little obnoxious. I got a slightly bad temper, I'm pretty forgetful. People aren't doing that on dating apps, so I think you're okay in the morality department by not showing your hands and feet or wearing your prosthetics or that appear to be your own. I think you're fine, I think you're fine. And then I would challenge you to get out of your head,

because the more I talk to you, the more you just sound like everyone else dating, which is we meet someone we like, and then we start focusing on the things we're insecure about ourselves, and the things we're worried that people won't accept us. And again, that's something everyone deals with and regardless of their disability, regardless if they have a disability, might be their personality, it might just be their face, you know, they wish they had a better one. For men, it might be their receding hairline. For others, it might be an STD they have to disclose. I don't know, like, or just,

it could be a million things, right? So you are among friends. You're not as alone as you might feel in the dating department. And so you just have to remember that, and then you have to, like everyone else, figure out how you can be more yourself when you're on a date with someone you're excited about. And the way to do that is to just be present with yourself, go into it, acknowledge your

excitement and then be the self- software person that you are and say, despite my excitement, I still have to get to know this person. They can still be an asshole. I can still learn to not like them. I have to get to know this person. It's not my concern. I should stop worrying about date three. I just want to focus on getting to know this person. And you can also play a little bit of a gamesmanship. You can hide your excitement. You can stop, you know, you can not ask for little bit of a gamesmanship. You can hide your excitement. You can stop, you know, you can not ask for the second date on the first date

because you're so worried, you know, you're gonna stop trying to close the deal. You can be a little cagey. You can be a little mysterious. You can play the game, you know, and that just takes- I might have, I might do that too much actually because I'm assuming sometimes that they don't want one so I play that game real well. So well there you go. So again you're old enough you've

been around the block, you're self-aware, you know yourself better than you did when you were 19 so like learn you know like just learn. But I think the biggest takeaway is you're one keep doing what you're doing. I'm not in a position to give you advice on what you should be doing. You have five years of experience of doing something, do what works. I'm just giving you the green light that we all mislead people a little bit when it comes to dating apps,

so I think you're fine in the morality department. And then going forward, stop making your disability as big of a deal as you seem to be because it also seems like the more I talk to you, a lot of your issues are common regardless of your disability. That's not to deny that obviously I'm sure it has and will impact,

and some men just aren't gonna be into it. Sure. Well, I also wanna thank your discussion with Lewis Howell for me guys had that big discussion on vulnerability and stuff, that was amazing. So that was really eye opening there as well. I appreciate you saying that. Yeah, I mean, it could be scary to be vulnerable, but the more we are, the more we realize people will accept us. And the more you

are, the more people will feel safe to share theirs, you know. But, you know, disability or not, everyone's got something. Everyone's got something they're afraid people won't accept about them. And often, you know, they're right. You're right that some people won't accept you for your disability. Right? Yeah. And everyone has this insecurity that is valid, that some people will judge them for it. You know, that's why it's an insecurity.

You know, there are a lot of men out there who are certain height or have a, who don't have enough hair that they know that like, well, I lost my hair. There goes 20% of my hair. I don't know. Yeah, that's so true. Sometimes though, in the disability area, some people don't feel like they can be very vulnerable with the disability because then that's a turn off too if it's too soon in the relationship. I don't know. Sure, but just like anything else, you're dating.

It's early on. You've been dating for a month or two. You're an early dating boyfriend and girlfriend and you're mutually excited. There's a lot of times where people in relationships be like, I can't believe I got someone like you. You're like, I feel like you're too hot for me. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Right, right.

You say that enough, the other person's kinda like, am I? You know, like we either wanna date our equals, or we all wanna feel lucky to be having landed this person. But that person you wanna feel lucky about also wants to feel lucky about you, so be careful to not diminish your value in a relationship because that person's gonna be like, well, yeah, I don't know, I'm kind of a loser.

Maybe we shouldn't date. But like, well, yeah, I don't know, I'm kind of a loser. Maybe we shouldn't do it. But yeah, sometimes projecting too much of our insecurities in our relationships will make us less attractive to the people who otherwise really like us. Yeah, absolutely, absolutely. And it can be draining sometimes. So there is a balance between sharing your insecurities and projecting some confidence.

And again, it's striking that balance. Everyone's different. You know, you'll get more comfortable. That comes through conversation and communication, but yeah. Yeah, that's perfect. All right. Okay.

Well, thanks for the call. Well, thank you very much. Yeah, likewise. Yeah, and congrats on the Bloomberg. Oh, thank you. Article. Yeah. Nice to write up.

Very cool. Me and Chappell Ronan. Yeah. Yeah. All right, I'll talk to you later. Okay, thank you. All right. Bye bye. Bye. Thanks for listening. We'll see you tomorrow. We got Joey and Kelsey. We got Charles on Thursday on reality recap. It's going to be fun sending those questions at asknicathevalfiles.com. We'll see you tomorrow. Bye. you