The Viall Files - E822 Ask Nick - My Broke, Boring Boyfriend

Episode Date: October 14, 2024

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! We start off the episode with a deep dive into new dating trends. Then we get to our callers…  Our first caller’s husband wants her to quit her adult job. Our second caller is struggling to date as a digital nomad. And, our third caller’s boyfriend doesn’t make enough money to have fun.  “Pandora’s box opened, and I love it.” Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice, send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Wayfair - Head to Wayfair dot com right now to get your home holiday ready. That’s https://wayfair.com  Helix Sleep - Helix is offering up to 20% off all mattress orders! Go to https://helixsleep.com/viall  EveryPlate - Join EveryPlate today and pay only $2.99 per meal, PLUS get 50% off your first box, for all box sizes! Get this amazing deal by going to https://everyplate.com/podcast  and entering code viall299  Vessi - Find your perfect fit at https://vessi.com/VIALL and get an automatic 15% off your first order at checkout. Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @justinkaphillips @dereklanerussell @kymccarthy23 @allisonklemes

It's time for the ultimate back to school shopping spree at the Outlets at Traverse Mountain. We've got everything your kids need from trendy clothes to cool shoes to awesome backpacks and cozy jackets. Plus, take an additional 25% off the outlet price at participating stores. Also, spend 300 or more in same day purchases and get a free Adidas backpack. Send your kids back to school looking sharp without breaking the bank. At amazing outlet prices, visit OutletsAtTraversmountain.com for all the sales. Outlets at Travers Mountain. I-15 exit 284, flea high.

You're crazy. What's going on everybody? Welcome back to another exciting episode of the Vilephiles Ask Nick edition. I am your host Nick. Sweet boy Justin is also here. Yes, I'm joining. Yeah, he's joining. Anyways, we have an exciting week lined up for you.

Gypsy Rose returned to the Vilephiles. Her new fiance, Ken, is with us. It should be exciting. Ken is with us. It should be exciting. She is very pregnant. We haven't spoken with Gypsy since. We interviewed her in January. It is now October.

Hasn't even been a year. It hasn't been a year. Liyod has changed for Gypsy. We're really excited to catch up with her. She will be here in studio with us and that will be dropping this Wednesday. So get excited for that. We are super excited to catch up with Gypsy

and get to know her new fiance, Ken. Also joining us, Hannah from Love is Blind will be joining us on Tuesday for Reality Recap. Crystal and Cynthia will be joining us on Thursday for Reality Recap to make a huge announcement. We're super excited to be the ones making it with them. Get excited for that. Also, Charles, your favorite Golden bachelor of all time is going to finally

join us internet depending, and that will be Thursday as well. So excited for this week. And we got some great calls lined up for you, but before we do, Justin's been scanning the internet, he's got some dating terms that he has to review with us. Psychology today, basically five new dating trends of 2025. And I want to preface that my understanding of these dating trends are not trends that people are actively following. They're anticipating 2025. We're not even in it.

Yeah. Well, and it's patterns that people are falling into. So patterns that people are dating are matching, essentially. So basically, the first one is smutton. Do you want to guess what it is before? Well, sounds a lot like smitten. Yeah, a little bit. But smutton would be one is smutton. Do you wanna guess what it is before? Whoa, sounds a lot like smitten. Yeah, a little bit. But smutton would be referring to smut.

So basically this trend doesn't necessarily have to do with smut, but it can depending. Like porn? No, like storylines. So like characters and like the romantic, romanticizing aspect of it from a fan side. Okay. So basically, but it can depending on

what you read and watch. Respondent to that fantasize about the storylines of romantic TV shows, movies, or books becoming realities for them. So many focus on shows like Bridgerton, Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Amelie, Emily in Paris. Such shows are getting attention not just on TV, not just on streaming services, but also on social media. So people are seeing them in almost two different ways. It's an idealized version of a relationship, focuses on healthy aspects of fiction rather than the toxic. So basically what they're saying, if we use the Bridgerton example, is someone might be

dating like a royalty looking figure. So someone that looks like they could be a prince or like their aesthetic is being the prince. You date them because you're turned on by the idea and the storyline of being like the princess versus Emily in Paris. You might date someone that has- And how is that healthy compared to what were they doing before? It's a pattern that people are falling into. So it's more of like they choose this kind of aesthetic because they want the positive side of it.

So take away the toxic of the storyline. So Emily in Paris as an example, you're gonna date someone that has this French, fashionable aesthetic because you saw that in the show and you liked the show. Granted, there might be some negative toxic dating aspects in the show, you disregard that for the positive aesthetic essentially.

Okay. Yeah. Next one is yap trapping. So, people who talk about themselves excessively without asking you any personal questions. Imagine being on a date with someone who yaps and yaps and yaps in a self-centered way without making much effort to keep the conversation more balanced. It could make you feel a little or a lot trapped, hence yap trapping.

Don't necessarily write off a yap trapper after just one encounter if people pass for the first meeting. Sometimes people yap trap because they are nervous or terrified of quiet in a conversation unless they do something so unpleasant that give you an ick. So basically the next one is you get trapped by someone that's a talker. How are you trapped? They're just saying like you keep dating the person.

So you're dating, similar to the Monica and Steven of Love is Blind. You're dating someone that won't stop talking but you just get trapped in it and you just keep doing it. Third one, sticking. Emphasize on the ick and sticking. Another trend is overlooking the initial ick, especially when it's something fairly superficial,

like a certain look or an idiosyncrasy that doesn't have anything to do with being a good partner. This has given rise to the term sticking, sticking around despite finding an ick. People can really grow in love, self-awareness is the key of dating success, as gut feelings can be driven by a ridiculous ick or just a reaction, it can only be excuses to not get close or be vulnerable. Okay. So instead of the gap trapping, you're sticking it out essentially.

And then this one's an interesting one, freak matching. There's sort of an opposite situation where some characteristics or interests that may be considered weird by others may be a point of attraction. In freak matching, you connect with someone because you have a shared quirk, eccentricity, or weirdness. Part of an overall trend, people being more authentic, no longer trying to hide their freakazoidness. It comes from being authentic,

shifting towards this desire to be ourselves, letting people know who I am. So it's like you're intentionally dating someone that's your opposite or someone that's weird, or like you feel comfortable with that person because you feel like you can also indulge in your weird side. Why do we need these terms? That's why I preface that person because you feel like you can also indulge in your weird side. Why do we need these terms?

That's why I preface that this is not necessarily like saying that people are following this trend. It's more that they're putting names to like things that people are doing. So like a pattern. Behaviors they're noticing. Like a pattern that they're noticing that a lot of people are dating someone

outside of their normal pool because they feel comfortable indulging in like their weird side, quote unquote. Okay. Cause like sticking sounds like actually dating intent. Again, we've all talked about icks, but to me, icks are just really pet peeves. Exactly. Sticking is probably the most normal one I would say out of these.

Gotcha. The last one that they have in here is grim keeping. A related trend is bonding over your darker sides. They've connected with others over shared dislikes, grim keeping, which means bonding over being grim. People can resonate more with negativity. It's when both of you hate something. Example of two people having the same big pet peeves about how others load dishwashers.

So it's like you bond over hating something. So these are the five patterns that they're noticing psychology today going into the future. This is interesting that this is from psychology today. And that's why it was like, it's less of like, usually we hear the trends of people doing it because other people are doing it. Like it's a fun trend to do this, but this is more just like the pattern. For me, the smut in one is interesting where it's like you're dating someone

based off of their aesthetic because you like romanticize a fictional like storyline or character. I wonder how much of that is actually going on. Well, I feel like really into Bridgerton. Yeah, it's just Bridgerton experiences. There's people that play into it. But are you like, so you're deliberately swiping on someone who you kind of feel can play the role

of say, likes tea. Well, it's less about playing the- Older fashion sense or something? Essentially that's part of it, but I think it's less about them playing the role, but more about you finding satisfaction that you're living that role. Yeah, so you feel like you're part of that experience because you have a positive association.

I feel like I've spent a lot of my time recently trying to understand what the root causes of an ick. I know we like to joke about icks. And now I've discovered that icks are centered around effort. Like not being good at the effort you're putting in. Crank me if I'm wrong, ladies. But yeah, I think it are centered around effort. Like not being good at the effort you're putting in. Crank me if I'm wrong, ladies. But yeah, I think it's centered around, women don't find effort attractive.

They don't want you to have to try. That's why I said it's like you not being good at the effort you're putting in. Yeah, there's nothing worse than a guy trying to be good at something and not like, if he's supposed to effortlessly jump the fence. You have to be very good the fence, you have to be very good. Like, you know, professional athlete who exerts a lot of effort in a game

that might be hot, you know, but it's even hotter if it looks effortless. Yeah. Like me going on the bachelor multiple times, despite finishing second for exact say twice, like part of me, I remember when I got so much criticism, like of going on, there was a part of me who felt defensive, right? And it it was just like wait, but like technically I'm beating, you know 23 other guys twice, you know, even though I finished second twice, you know, but it wasn't about that It was that I gave the appearance of trying so hard Yes to find love and not getting it and not getting it right and that effort I put into finding love quite Honestly, I think was an ick

for a lot of the women watching. It's the same thing if you trip and fall as a man. I mean, I might be wrong, but that's an ick for a lot of people. But it's again, I feel like it's centered around effort. And I got this epiphany, I think when I was watching Love is Blind, I think it's because women wanna feel like

you didn't have to try, you picked them and you didn't have to try to get a bunch of other women because I think women wanna feel like you didn't have to try, like you picked them and you didn't have to try to get a bunch of other women. Cause I think women wanna feel special because you picked them. I feel like women wanna be picked. I think anybody does. More than some of the men, I don't, I think men don't care about being,

I think men want it, not as much. Maybe. Because men don't get the ick like that. No, I don't think so, yeah. And I think it's truly centered around effort. The less effort you have to put out in doing anything is more attractive, I think't think so. Yeah, and I think it's truly centered around effort the less effort you have to put out And doing anything is more attractive I think to women and the more you seem like you're trying to do anything is less attractive to women Yeah

Well, and I just had an epiphany because it I mean by conventional standards on the male side They're attracted to women having more effort in their looks right? So like having the makeup on having the hair done Well, I don't think it's so what's about the effort So like having the makeup on, having the hair done. Well, I don't think it's so much about the effort, but knowing that they put the effort in. Or like having them cook for you. Sure, I mean, I think it's just- I know it's a different level,

but it's like the opposite of it. I will say this, men don't mind effort, that's for sure. And sometimes appreciate the effort. Women want the effort when it comes to thinking about them and being thoughtful. That effort, it seems to be okay. And they almost even appreciate it and prefer it when you put effort into making them a priority. That's the only effort I think women are into.

But physical effort to try to obtain anything for a man, I think women generally find it unattractive. Yeah, maybe. Well, I mean, now we have sticking, so maybe there's gonna be less icky and more sticky maybe I don't know Let me know in the comments if you think you agree with my take on effort There was a woman who's using chat GPT to like train herself to deal with the fuck boy She was asking like chat gtb to talk to her like a disinterested man. Yes

Yeah, and then she kept she just kept doubling down more Yeah, and but the point is she was doing this to like train herself because she's so used to dealing with these quote unquote uninterested men and fuck boys. But isn't it fun, like I don't know who this person is, what they look like, what their qualifications are, but like again, we can all find people who are interested in us, but they're not interested in them.

And like, isn't it interesting that the type of men that I think a lot of women are interested to are the men, again, who give the least amount of flux and show the most amount of indifference. And why is that? Not successful most of the time. And then if you do try and you do it poorly, ick, immediately, I think I nailed it.

I think I truly understand the ick. I'm sure there's a reason behind it though, but yeah. Yeah, I don't know. Psychology today, get on it. Let us know. Anyways, we've got some great calls lined up for you and again, some great guests this week. Thank you for choosing our show. Support our show, follow us, subscribe to our show,

tell your friends about our show, all that fun stuff. Let's get to our calls, but before we do, don't forget to send in your questions at asknickofthevilefiles.com for all of your Ask Nick questions, texting office hours, all of the above. Be sure to tune in all week, including Wednesday, for our Going Deeper episode with Gypsy Rose

and her fiance, Ken. Let's get to our callers. Question time with Nick. Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going? Hi Nick, my name is Megan, I'm 30, and my husband wants me to quit OnlyFans. Okay, when you say quit OnlyFans, like as a user or as a creator?

As a creator. Okay, what are you doing on OnlyFans? I'm basically doing everything you can think of on OnlyFans. Okay, everything? Oh, yeah, like everything. Are you having sex with other men? No, no, no, no, only with him on there. So he's a part of it in a way. Okay. Well, so that's not everything I could think of I guess that's fair. I'm a mostly a solo creator

I haven't ever like brought anyone else into it other than him. Gotcha. All right How long you've been on OnlyFans as a creator? March will be two years. Okay, were you a creator before he was in the picture? No, no, I wasn't I actually even before I started like doing it more regularly, I did it a little when I was pregnant because you know people are kind of into that. But I never did anything with it and then after we had kids and everything he's like you we just need more money blah blah blah blah and we don't have you know child care or anything and he's like you should just do OnlyFans like why not you know you look great you look hot and he's like I'm into it and then flash forward two years later he's not so into it anymore. How much money we make in

every month? I average about fifteen to twenty five thousand a month. Okay some real money. So real money and he makes about five thousand himself. Okay. Walk me through kind of what conversations you guys had about this. You obviously have reluctance on quitting. Is it for financial purposes or is it for you enjoy being an OnlyFans creator and what you get out of it personally, whether it's confidence or excitement or all of the above? What's your biggest reluctance? It's both of it. It's all of it.

I mean, I've been someone who's been whistled out on the sidewalk since I was a kid. So doing OnlyFans and becoming a TikTok creator and all of that, it's kind of empowered me more as a woman because I'm like, why am I trying to hide the fact that I'm an attractive female? I was always like, oh, I need to be smart. I modeled for a little while.

And I was like, no, I mean, I used my brain and I had a pretty successful real estate career before kids. But once I honed into that natural sensuality that I have and all of that, it's hard to kind of close that door. It's like Pandora's box got opened and I love it. I love everything about it. You know, I don't necessarily want to do the full porn aspect of it forever because I do have kids, you know, I don't want them to see that. But like, I don't have a problem with nudity. I don't have a problem with flirting. I don't have a problem with any of that. And I really enjoy it. And then if that were just the case, you know, whatever, but also it's extremely liberative and it's much less stressful and much easier on me mentally,

financially, all of that. It's, you know, the reason why we have what we have is because of me. Okay. And what are your, what's your husband's biggest arguments or frustrations? He thinks I didn't put enough into my real estate career. So he wants me to, you know, put more in, put more time in while I'm already the breadwinner. I'm the one who keeps the house. I'm the one who manages the bills. I'm the one who takes care of the kids. Like I do pretty much everything. So I don't really have time on my plate to do that. Also, I did get a little too close to a fan a year ago, and I can understand why that upset him, but he was more upset before that all happened than anything. I

think it's just like an insecurity of him. Walk me through what you mean by all of that. You're throwing a lot at us right now. I'm sorry. No, no, no, I appreciate you sharing. I know my life is a lot and it feels good to like talk to about it, because it's not something I can really talk to people about. No, I hear you, and I appreciate your willingness to share, but when you say you got close to a fan, it seems like partly with some creators, there's the, and you let me know how it works, but there's, especially in the adult section,

in which you kind of operate with holding fans. You post your content, whatever that is, and then a way to get people to, you know, donate more is to quote unquote engage with them. I mean, that's the case on all platforms, but I guess with OnlyFans, it's the engagement can vary. So are you openly like flirting with these men online? Yes, I am openly flirting with these men online. Um, however, when I started it, I was in a bad place in my marriage. I had just had two kids and I was pretty

invisible to my husband. So at this point, it doesn't affect me. If that makes sense, I have the ability to kind of like, it's, it's work. It's not like I'm sitting there drawing connections and I'm like, oh my God, I just want to be with this person. Even though I respect that there were some great people

in my profile and I've helped some people with their own marriage issues and things like that. When I originally started, I was really vulnerable and my husband said I wasn't attractive because I, you know, gained too much weight during pregnancy and all of this. And here we go with all these men paying to see me naked. And one of them got close to me

and I let my walls down with him and my husband ended up finding out about that. So that added to his insecurity and trust issues, which I understand from his perspective. The way you talk about it, you make it seem like this is a him problem. The reason this is an issue. It feels like a him problem.

But it also sounds like you maybe emotionally cheated on him? Oh no, I had a full affair. You had a full affair? I had a full affair. I did not have sex, but I had like a full emotional affair. Okay. But- And like some physicality in it as well. You talk about it as if like that it's his fault for being upset about that.

No, I don't think it's his fault for being upset about that? No, I don't think it's his fault for being upset about that. However, we did about a year of therapy about it and he finally recognized that, although I take full accountability, I should not have done that within our marriage. It was his fault that it happened from how he was treating me. Our therapist said it's not,

affairs don't happen in a vacuum. I hear, sure, but you still made the choice. I still made the choice and I take full accountability that I shouldn't have done that. Like I said, that was over a year ago and nothing has happened. So definitely like his fault for making you feel a certain way. What you do with those feelings, like, you know, is on you. I just think it's I think it's dangerous rhetoric to in your own head.

And I'm not trying to sound like I'm judging. I'm just like, ultimately, I'm assuming you're calling in not only advice with this only fan situation but with the I mean I'm assuming you want to make your marriage work yes is that a goal yeah that would be the plan okay with that goal in mind I'm just trying to figure out how I might be able to help be helpful in that regard if your goal is to be happy with your husband, then I think you sound, the way you just talked about this affair, you sound defensive and very careful in your language as to not make yourself feel bad about your own decisions.

That sounds kind of accurate. Okay. And you're entitled to do whatever you want, but that rhetoric is going to, it's gonna play out in your life. What I'm hearing is, I take accountability, but I take accountability, but I take accountability, but what I'm hearing is I'm willing to acknowledge that sure, I played a role in this,

but at the end of the day, he's the one who drove me to my decision of having an affair with another man. I don't think even your therapist would agree with that. I don't doubt that you heard it that way. Fair enough. The way you're describing it does sound like how I'm coming off. It's not my intention. Okay. But I can see why you think that. I don't care what I think or even what the listeners think. I just care what actually you think. And I think sometimes when it comes to the show I

think where I really... if you ever listen to the show and people are always like, oh my God, you read the me or whatever, it's because I'm trying to listen for what people are trying to say versus what they're actually saying. Yeah, fair, which is what I need. If you wanna continue OnlyFans, obviously you're an adult person,

you have the right to do what the fuck you want regardless of your marriage, you can do that, right? But you're trying to have your cake and eat it too. You're trying to split the difference, so to speak. You're trying to figure out a path forward to continue to be a creator, one, because you enjoy doing it. It gives you personal satisfaction. It gives you a sense of accomplishment. You take pride in it. Two, you make a ton of money from it. One, that money that both you and your family need and it takes stress off the table. But it is causing issues in your marriage

and justifiable issues. And again, this is not to let your husband off the hook for making you feel unattractive, for saying things that you might find hurtful. That is on him and he needs to do something about that. But just because he did that, isn't it a get out of jail free card? And it kind of feels like you're using that

as an excuse to keep doing it. It almost sounds like you're partly glad he found out and you're partly glad he did that because it gives you ammunition and fights like these to say, but you did this. Yeah, I definitely was relieved when he found out. I could have not told him because the way he found out, it was an anonymous tip on Instagram.

He had a feeling because he knew the person's name and that's because he found out that person was local. And at first I was kind of like creeped out that someone was local because that's like your biggest nightmare on OnlyFans. You're like, oh shit, someone's gonna like stalk me and come to my house or something. So I told him about that. So when he did find out, I had a choice to make because he just said that

we were talking and that's the message that he got. I chose to completely come clean and tell him everything. It was my guilty conscious because I'm not that person. Like this is probably the only quote mistake, unquote, that I've intentionally made in my life was doing that. Why do you say quote unquote? There you go again with the not fully actually taking accountability. Your accountability comes with a lot of like disqualifiers. Did you make a mistake? Yes or no? No. You don't think you made a mistake? I don't think it was a mistake, no. Why?

Because it taught me a lot about myself. If that wouldn't have happened, I would not have been able to be in the marriage I am now, which is a good one. It's like we needed to hit rock bottom to move forward. Okay, fair enough. I think maybe this is a difference of opinion between you and I. I think we can learn from our mistakes, but doesn't mean they're not mistakes. That's fair. I guess I have trouble using the mistake word because I think of a mistake as like a mis-bill but I did this intentionally. In a way, I feel like it's a cop-out saying

it was a mistake because I knew what I was doing when I did it. Does that make sense? I mean, yeah, it's honest of you, but like, did you feel guilt in the moment? The way you're speaking, I get why your husband wants you off OnlyFans. I mean, to be totally honest, after talking to you.

You should or shouldn't be on it, that's entirely your prerogative, and you have the right to decide for yourself. Right. But, you know, what are your expectations of your husband in this marriage? Like, what do you think he's entitled to? What do you mean by entitled to?

What does he get out of this marriage? Is your husband entitled to trust and security? I mean, are you guys in a monogamous relationship? Are you guys in an open relationship? We're in a monogamous relationship. Okay, and is he entitled to that? Do you think, or do you think he deserves that? A hesitant yes.

Okay, do you wanna be in a monogamous relationship? I don't think so, I don't know that I do. Okay. And I think that's the problem is, like I said, something was unlocked in me. I'm kind of in a rock and a hard place because obviously my husband didn't have the same experience because he's not in the same realm.

I want to be with my husband and I don't necessarily want to touch other men. Like I can get over that, but the flirting, I enjoy it. And it's hard to walk away from something like that. But it's, I feel like it takes a different type of brain to do it the way that I do. Cause it doesn't affect me like it would affect most people, you know? It's like, it makes my marriage better. For you. In my opinion, for both of us. I'm nicer. I'm happier. I'm all of those things. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's a cop out. That's a cop out.

I don't doubt that you as a happier person means that whoever you're in a relationship with is gonna get more out of being in a relationship with you. Of course, you can say that about anyone. But you're deciding for your husband what's better for him. You're justifying anything across the board, any type of behavior, as long as it makes you happy,

as something that ultimately is good for him because happy you means happy him. You know, it's really fucked up when you put it that way. I just like, listen, your arguments- No, you're right, you're right. Your arguments in a vacuum make sense. And I can get why you can convince yourself of this logic at times,

but from an outsider point of view and from a 30,000 foot view looking down on your marriage and not knowing much about you or him or your expectations, your approach comes across is just kind of incredibly selfish. about the selfishness of it because you know listen we're all entitled I guess at times to be selfish and for what I'm hearing from you is this like maybe you didn't get to be selfish in ways you wanted to in the past and this is you again like fair enough but like you still decided to be in a marriage right and so and and like the the I don't know it's not the definition of a marriage but part of a definite is about sacrifice like I was there's no if you're not willing to make huge sacrifices uh you shouldn't be married. I'd say that to anyone. I don't know if a successful marriage that works without sacrifices being made on both sides.

More importantly, like I don't, listen, we all love validation. Every single one of us loves to be validated. I think there's healthy validation. I think there's unhealthy validation. And I think the fact that you love this validation from strange men in a sexual type of way, it makes a lot of sense. I just don't know how sustainable this is. I get it. Like, I totally get where you're coming from.

But how is your husband supposed to be okay from never being enough? I get there, he said some things that were probably very hurtful. And it sounds like he said some things that you haven't even fully let go. And that's a cost that he has to face. But kind of to your point, it's like if I'm using your logic, he's just like, well, it's not a mistake because ultimately that woke her up and she reacted and maybe not reacted in a way I wanted her to react, but at least she reacted.

He did get a reaction from you. Right. I guess it's like when you're someone like me who has hundreds of thousands of men on the internet telling you how beautiful you are all the time and all of that, and then you have a husband who has looked at you and called you fat, unattractive and uninteresting, that's hard. I hear you that.

Is he still talking to you that way? No, he's not still talking to me that way, but even before all of our drama and everything, we've had a very unequal sex drive. I'm not like a freak by any means, but he's good with like once every 10 days or so. And that's not where I'm at. And I usually have to be the initiator. And so that are you with us. Okay. That is a thing. And you guys can work on that thing. I just don't know if working on that thing. I just, again, I feel like if that was worked on, the other thing would be a moot point. Like I wouldn't feel the need to get validation from other people if

he would just validate me. That's fair to a certain extent. Does he have the opportunity to? I mean, he's also right now it's feels a little unfair because it's like him, him, he's competing with the entire internet. He's not though, because I'm not interested in any of them. Honestly, You're interested in their validation. Yeah, in a way I am. They bring value to your life. I mean, you've been very clear about that in our conversation, that they give you value. So he is competing with them.

Whether you see it that way or not, I bet he does. You're probably right. You know? But the thing is like, I could be sent 400 compliments from one person and it would like fill my cup a drop. But if he would just look at me and be like, oh my God, you're the sexiest woman in the universe. I would be gallons overflowing. Have you had these conversations with him? For years through therapy, through all of this. And it feels like he does it for a little while.

And then he just, you know, gets distracted. He has ADHD and that usually comes to the blame is, oh, it's out of sight, out of mind, you know? So if I'm not thinking about sex, I just like, it just doesn't happen. And I'm like, well, you know, you remember to work out, you remember to eat, you remember to do all these things. Why can't you remember to want to be with me? Yeah, I don't know if that's apples to apples,

but how are you initiating sex with him? I sometimes I'm flirting with him. Sometimes I just grab him and make out with him, sometimes I literally just like stick my hand down his pants. I do all of the things to initiate. And most of the time now, if I initiate, like we still had sex, but for many years, he would still be like, no,

like I just don't want it right now. I'm just not horny, which sucks. This may sound surprising to you or any of the women listening. I know how men can be very grabby, very aggressive at times, you know. I do that because that's how he's asked me to pursue him by the way. Yes, oh interesting. Yeah. Because I mean if if if Natalie were to grab my crotch randomly I wouldn't find that arousing. I don't find that arousing either, but that's what he said he liked. I don't know, I don't think he knows what he likes, if I'm being honest.

Have you tried walking around seductively in the house? Men like to be teased. I'm the same way, I like to be teased. And so he's like, oh no, I only do direct. I don't do anything but direct, that's just how my brain works. So if I'm walking around, I'm cooking dinner, and I just subtly flash him, he'll just be like brain works. So like if I'm walking around, I'm cooking dinner and I just like subtly flash him,

he'll just be like, okay, like it has no effect on him, which is a huge blow to my confidence. I hear you. Listen, I'm not a sex expert or a therapist, so I can only speak from my POV and obviously you, me and your husband are, I guess different. I think my point still stands

that there's a lot going on here. You and your husband clearly aren't on the same page. No, we're not. We're on the same page with everything except for this topic. That's a big topic. And the fact that you were unfaithful and you seem to have a hard time owning that, I think is a problem for you. Yeah, I think you're right. So I think you could do a better job of owning your mistake. To be clear, I'm speaking a lot more candidly with you. My language around it with him is very different. I appreciate your candidness and I don't doubt that. But that's the problem. My problem is, I'm not talking about what you're saying to him. I just that your problem is that I'm getting a sense of what you truly believe versus what you're telling me.

What I'm hearing is that you truly don't believe that you did something wrong. And at the end of the day, or you don't wanna believe it, but you have internally been able to find the silver lining in your actions. And as a result of finding the silver lining, you have glorified your actions and diminished the wrong that you did. Your husband, he knows you better than anyone. Whether he's good at reading people or not,

he's gonna pick up on cues. It could just be a general sense. I'm sure you say things or act in a way that honestly makes him question whether you really regret what happened. No, he believes me that I regret it. And he has fully forgiven me at this point, and it took a long time for him to get there.

But he has. I don't doubt it, but I'm guessing. I guess, yeah, I never like. You're kind of implying that you have told him what he needs to hear. A little bit because I had. You don't think he's telling you the same thing? No, I don't.

I don't think he is. And I think because I want to feel the way that I'm telling him that I do about it, but I haven't taken the time to actually heal on my own. From it is the biggest issue. I was so focused on how he felt that like me doing that and me being in that environment obviously hurt that I got to that point and I didn't spend any time thinking about myself. I just spent the time thinking about my marriage

and how to fix it. So I guess that wound is just still open for me. What's the wound? Getting to a point that I would even do that because if you asked me five years ago, if that's something I would ever do, it would be like, it would be an absolute hard no. Like there's no way. But the fact that I was so beaten down in my marriage that there was even a door for someone to get through, it sucks. Like it sucks that that's the position I was in. I get it. But it's, you're putting it all on him. And I just think- I guess it's hard for me not to. You know?

He could be a shitty husband and it's still like- I guess it's hard for me not to. You know, like- He could be a shitty husband and it's still like- He was such a shitty husband at the time. But it was your choice to- I had two kids back to back and he basically left me on my own, called me worthless. Don't doubt it, but it was still your choice to do what you did.

And I only say that because like, listen, if you want to dump all your mistakes onto other people, you can do that, but you will never actually grow. You're right. And this is probably the only mistake that I haven't taken full accountability for. But look, I just called it a mistake, so I'm growing a little bit, right?

Yeah. That's how I feel. And I'm stressing you out, I can't tell. No, it's, I'm trying to be helpful. I just don't know how helpful I'll be. You are being helpful, because you're giving me an ability to actually be true and talk through this

instead of just trying to say the right thing. What I'm hearing, if I were to sum up what I'm hearing from you is that you really want to keep doing this OnlyFan things and that ultimately more than anything that's the only thing you're actually really certain about. Yeah. Even more so than whether you want to be married to this man and you are trying to justify any way possible your logic and how you can do that. And you don't even want to consider the possibility that you being on OnlyFans is a mistake for you and your marriage. And so every argument or discussion around this topic, you are protecting your actions on OnlyFans more than anything.

That is to me, that sounds where your priorities lie. I would agree with that. And that's not necessarily because of validation, that's financial. That's why I'm protecting it so much. I don't actually believe you there. I mean, obviously the financial aspect is there. But you've spoken about the personal aspect way more than you have the financial aspect.

I guess because it feels lame to be money motivated. Whatever, you have a family, you know? But that's kind of my point. See, I it feels lame to be money motivated. Whatever, you have a family, you know, but that's kind of my point. See, I'm kind of, you seem very good at crafting the narrative that you want in your head to explain your actions in kind of anything. I can only imagine what you're able to do

with this ability, kind of with any disagreement you have with anything, either internally with yourself, a conflict that you might have, or with your husband or people in general is that, I mean, this is a common thing for people, you know, like, but you get locked into an outcome that you want. And then you try to reverse engineer it and justify it through your actions. But you're, and you pretend, whether it's with conflict with yourself or conflict with your husband

or conflict with family and friends, you pretend to be open to hearing people out and you pretend to be open to having a discussion about whether you should or shouldn't do something, yada, yada, yada, but in reality, you're not. You're not open. You've already decided what you want and then you come up with arguments to back what you want. I think you're right. I

don't want to be that way but I think you're right. No, yeah, none of us want to have bad habits we have. Just know you're not alone in this. I think most people do that. You seem to do it very well. What I'm hearing more than anything is that I don't know how married you want to be with this person. I like the idea of it. I think back to you know you said oh the person five years ago blah blah blah maybe you're just not that person anymore. I don't know. Oh I'm not. Maybe you're still competing with the person who said I'm never gonna get divorced you know because I know everyone who gets... Oh funny story this is my second marriage. Okay, well, what about this marriage are you fighting so hard to keep?

Is it for the kids or what, you know? Yeah. Sometimes I can tell if I'm giving you the answer to the test and you're just saying yes or is that really it? It's me not being emotional. Okay, well you can be emotional, it's just us right now. It's just us and you know everyone else

listening to my shit. Well they don't know who you are. What's emotional about this? I signed up for the nuclear family. I put my husband through school and I worked my ass off and barely got appreciation for it. And I was told things would be a certain way, which was that once he was out of school, he would be the breadwinner. He, you know, everything with the kids would be 50-50. And that's just like not at all the life I have. And I do love him. It's just so hard when your life, what you expect it to be and what it actually is are just

so different. Yeah, I'm sorry. Where did he go to school for nursing? Is he a nurse yet? Yeah, yeah. Like he graduated five years ago. Okay. Well, but he doesn't want to be he wants to own his own business. Well, I mean, I was gonna say nurses generally don't own his own business. Well, I mean, I was going to say nurses generally don't get rich. Yeah. Well, I mean, there's, there's ways that... I mean, you could go back. Yeah, he could be a nurse pressure. Everything you say about me, about, you know, like talking someone into the life that I think

it whatever, he's great at that too. Like he definitely sold it to me to be more than it is. You know, I didn't do my own research, but his income, I expected to be triple what it is, by the way he talked about it. So I felt a little like the rug was pulled under me when he started getting his like actual paychecks, you know? And although I think he would be an excellent entrepreneur, he's just not the most organized person. And I feel like a lot of it's gonna fall on me

because that's what happens is he gets an idea and then it all falls on me. I don't really have the bandwidth to do that anymore and have more things fall on me. And so it's just, it's frustrating when you put someone through school and then you have all these student loans and like, yeah, I don't even want to do it anymore. So it's like the life that I thought this like 50 50 parenthood, this like you work more, I work less, I finally get a break, all of that, you know, having him be supportive through pregnancy and postpartum, which he was not like I didn't get any of

that when I made the mistake that I made when I had the affair, I think I was more vindictive you know, having him be supportive through pregnancy and postpartum, which he was not, like I didn't get any of that. When I made the mistake that I made when I had the affair, I think I was more vindictive than I realized when I did it. It was like I was starved for the attention and whatnot. And I was like, Oh my God, somebody finally appreciates me for all I bring into something. Yeah. And I didn't feel appreciated. And so I guess all that built up hurt is why it's hard for me to actually say like I shouldn't have done it.

That makes more sense. So like you, you clearly, whether it was the reason or not, you obviously felt a certain way when this happened about your husband and your marriage. I'm going to be honest, I thought if he was going to find out that he would just be like, Oh, I don't care. I genuinely thought he wouldn't care when he found out. And so when he did care, I was shocked. That makes sense. And that's kind of how I think I justified it to myself in the moment. I was like, he's not gonna care. He wants nothing to do with me. He'll be happy that someone else is dealing with me

and he doesn't have to. And then you spent all this time apologizing to him for your actions while you never felt like he was addressing the role he played. Yeah, I think a lot of that happened in the beginning because he was pretty toxic for a while. He said some awful things saying, I don't deserve to be the mother of my children,

like some really, really fucked up things. And I just sat there and took it because I knew it was emotionally motivated. I think I convinced myself that it was okay for him to act that way because I was so hurt and I hurt him so badly that I did forgive him for all of that, but you can't forget like those wounds, they're deep. You know, when people say things

like that to you. I actually, um, two months ago asked him for a divorce. He was mad at first and then the next day he, um, he was taking accountability because he had never taken accountability for his role before the affair. Cause our therapist kept saying like, look, we need to work on how we got there before we necessarily work on everything that happened because of it, we need to work on, you know, why did your marriage get so bad? And why did you get to this point?

And he finally kind of took accountability for all of that. And I put my wedding ring back on like two weeks ago. And I feel like there's still a lot that hasn't changed. And that's hard for me. Cause I don't- Miracles don't happen overnight, you know, like- I know they don't happen overnight. two weeks ago. And I feel like there's still a lot that hasn't changed. And that's hard for me. Miracles don't happen overnight. I know they don't happen overnight. It's just, it's a delicate balance of giving someone the time and space to change while also caring about your own mental health and caring about where you are in a relationship with someone and what you need. And when you're pouring from an empty

cup for years, it's hard to give more, but I do see the potential. I'm just scared because I don't know if he will choose to make those, make more changes because he's made a lot of changes. That'll be enough. Like, I don't know if I'm too damaged in our marriage to forgive him. I've always been a cut and run type of person. I'm not someone who like knows how to forgive and grow within a relationship. I don't know where to go from there. Well, you can work on your end of that. That issue will, whether it's this marriage that you're in or your next relationship you enter into, this issue that you're identifying isn't going to leave, you're not going to leave behind with your husband if you leave him.

I don't know what other problems you will have in your next relationship if you have one, but there will be problems, you know? Right. And to be clear, I just, so I just want to make sure I understand, these very hurtful things your husband said, were they mostly said after he found out

you were cheating on him or have they been? No. No. Okay. Some were and those are a lot of the ones that I legitimately forgot because I was just not even listening because he was just word vomiting. Sure. But no, the other things he like I said I don't feel like you want to talk to me you know it doesn't feel like you're listening when you come home from work and he would say well because you have nothing interesting to say and that's why I'm not listening to you. And there's nothing interesting about you.

Like go get a hobby. And then I'm like, okay, well, my hobby is baking. Well, I don't like baking. So essentially I learned by go get a hobby, he meant come watch me play video games or come work out with me because those are the things that I want to do. And that's what I want to talk about or go golfing, but not like go find something that fulfills you on your own and I'll be interested So why do you why do you want to make this marriage work? I guess to keep my family together

Well, if that's the only reason potential, you know Well, the first part is understandable Yeah, but that's not a reason right Because you guys you guys just need love, you know Like the things that you're- And I do love him and I think that's the hardest part is I do love him so I keep allowing things like this to happen and to be like treated badly and

like I don't know there's just there's something about him. I don't doubt there's something- I've experienced many men in the world verbally and you know like I get bored so easily by people and I'm not bored by him. That's a you problem. You know we're just dealing with a lot of different things here. You know you're bored. It's a mess. My brain's a mess. But listen the OnlyFans is a very you know everything we just talked about very relatable. Very you know the OnlyFans not relatable very unique you know, the only fans not relatable, very unique, you know, fascinating.

Right, right. And I think that's the issue because I guess my brain kind of justifies the flirting and whatnot because it's a career. It's not necessarily like I just seek it out, you know, I just go out there and I'm like, oh, like, let me just go flirt with this random dude at a bar. Like I've never done that in my life. Unfortunately though, you did though, and you crossed business with pleasure. I did, no, but what I'm saying is it's gonna sound like a justification. I met that person through OnlyFans. I did not like go to a bar and decide like tonight I'm gonna hook up with someone. As far as he's concerned with what you do, it'd be worse.

I mean if ultimately you're trying, forgetting about the fact that you and your husband clearly have a lot of things to work on. Right. Forgetting about the fact that you and your husband clearly have a lot of things to work on. He doesn't make you feel appreciated, how he speaks to you, questionable at best. Doesn't sound like, well not questionable, terrible, but I don't know how consistent this is. Sounds like he's definitely said some very hurtful things. No, he's not doing that anymore. I wouldn't put up with that anymore.

I told him that's it, you don't speak to me that way. So I guess, what are we currently working with? What is your current situation now? I mean, a couple weeks ago, you asked for a divorce, so clearly it's me that way. So I guess what are we currently working with? Like what is your current situation now? I mean, a couple of weeks ago, you asked for a divorce. So clearly it's not that great. Oddly, I feel like it's the best we've been in years because we were like fight everyday type of people. What does that look like?

Like you don't put the dishes in the sink. You know, there was a big blow up, but like we've only fought once in the past two months. Okay, and what is the best relationship in years look like? Not fighting, getting along, laughing together. All right. That's good. Are you having sex? Yeah. Do you feel appreciated? Yeah. Okay so what's working? I'm scared to believe that he's actually going to continue to be this person. Oh that's reasonable. Have you had conversations about this?

Have you talked with a couples therapy about this? Like, you know, you have. And what do they say? I am not someone who holds back. He's heard everything I have to say 150 times. And that's why I asked for divorce. You're saying that lately it's been generally good. Not only good, but it's the best it's ever been

for the past couple of months. So if this were sustainable, it sounds like despite all, you'd be happy, right? But you don't think it's sustainable. It hasn't been sustainable in the past. Have you talked with your husband and or a couple's therapist along with your husband being there about your concerns about this being sustainable? No, we haven't done therapy since I asked for divorce. Okay.

And he no longer wants to use our therapist that we were using because he, um, thought he leaned too much to my side and he didn't like that. Okay. And he no longer wants to use our therapist that we were using because he, um, thought he leaned too much to my side and he didn't like that. Okay. Well, and what did you think? I think talking to you and reflecting on myself that he and I are a lot more like than I realized, and I've put a lot more blame on him without taking as much accountability as I need to. I can see why that would be frustrating with him for that therapist.

I do know once my husband makes a decision, that decision's final, he's done with that therapist. I just don't start over. There's a lot of therapists out there, yeah. I'm doing everything I've talked to you about today, plus more with a new therapist, it's a lot to do. I mean, why do you see it like that? I don't know, I guess it's easier to lean

on the old therapist because they, he's been through it every that? I don't know, I guess it's easier to like lean on the old therapist because they under, he's been through it every step of the way for us where a new therapist hasn't. Maybe need a fresh set of ears, I don't know. I was gonna say maybe that's a good thing. Maybe a new therapist would be good because we are different people and we are in a different place than we were

when we originally started therapy. Talking to you now, it wouldn't surprise me that your therapist did slightly side with you because you like your therapist. Well, he liked him too at the time. But you know, there's a lot of the like little things that obviously aren't, they're trivial to bring up in a conversation like you and I are having now, but like the therapist would know about, which was like, he would just lie to me all the time about stupid shit.

Like say he was different places than he was and Say he would do things that he wouldn't that he didn't do and that really caused a lot of trust issues for me because even though He wasn't necessarily lying about being with women He was constantly lying about everything else that you know fractured my side of the relationship where I'm like I can't trust you either because I can't yeah I can't literally trust you to say you're going to the store because you might be doing something else. What does he say? He, um, he's taken some accountability, but it's like, he can't, he grew up with really

narcissistic parents and it's like, he can't not lie. Like that's his own demon too. You think your husband's incapable of not lying? Not anymore, but for a while I did think that. Is this a matter of what you think or what is true? For a while I did think that. Is this a matter of what you think or what is true? For a while it was true. And he even expressed that it was true. And he said, it was easier to lie to you

because I knew that in that moment, if I would lie to you and tell you what you wanna hear, then we wouldn't be fighting. And he said that he also recognized that that caused a deeper issue because I would think that things were good when they weren't. And then I would find out that he's lying about something

and it would spiral out of control, you know, where he could have just not lied about something small. Yeah, I can see why that would be frustrating. Well, one final thought, I was gonna say like, liking your therapist doesn't necessarily mean you have a good one. And you don't get anything out of couples therapy by feeling like your therapist is siding with you and you don't get anything out of couples therapy by feeling like your therapist is siding with you. And you don't get anything out of couples therapy by feeling like you have an ally

in the room with you to put your partner in their place. You know, you're so right. And I think that's what I needed at the time, is I wanted to feel justified and vindicated. He's doing a lot better now, but he had a big habit of basically making it like I was always the problem and he was Mr. Perfect. So I think I did want that from a therapist is like someone to be like, look, you're fucking up bro, do better.

And that's not necessarily healthy for a marriage. That's just more like tip for tatty. Well, I mean, again, a good couple of therapists would point out both sides. Right. Maybe I wasn't ready to hear the side that I was doing wrong. To simplify, you and your husband need to obviously continue to work on your relationship if you want to make it work. When it comes to the OnlyFans stuff, I don't know how

realistic it is or sustainable, but if it were to be either of those things, you both would need some clear and healthy boundaries that you two are aligned with, as untraditional as they might be. And you two have to have a clear discussion with that. Flirting, what does that mean? What is flirting to the both of you? What rules, what boundaries exist when it comes to flirting? How transparent do either of you need to be when it comes to the flirting?

Does he get to do any version of what you're doing because you're doing it or do you get to say, well, it's my job so it's not apples to apples? I don't have the answers here. I mean, I told him he could, but he just has no desire to, he said. And why did you say he could do that? I guess because I'm of the belief that if someone really wants to be with you,

they're gonna come home to you. If someone distracts or it's human nature, you're gonna be attracted to someone that you run into. If you flirt with them and then just get that out of your system, I'm not saying he could just go sleep around by any means. You're coming home to me at the end of the day and that's what really matters.

I guess it's a different perspective that I guess this business has kind of changed in my head after having so many clients that are married, but they're happily married, but they're just missing a little bit and that's why they're talking to me. I mean, I would be willing to bet if you talk to all of their wives, you might get a different POV, but that's just- Oh, 100%. You're not wrong. I don't think I think like normal people. Well, it's not about what you think. It's just that you have, by're saying you being involved in the MySpace, the OnlyFans world. The OnlyFans world has changed your perspective on things

and you have engaged with a bunch of unhappily married men. And like you, I'm guessing these men have undersold the issues in their relationships or downplayed their excitement of talking to you or whatever. They've justified the fact that they're lying to their wives about spending money on you and going, whatever. I'm sure there's a spectrum of the type of men and the type of relationships they're in or not in.

But I'm guessing you have chosen to believe all the fairy tale and all the bullshit that is sent your way to make you feel better about your choices. I mean, I bet you feel a lot better hearing from a guy who says, you know what, this has really helped me in my marriage and my marriage is generally happy, but really this has given me blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then you can feel better about what you're doing as opposed to what if the truth was

that's all bullshit. Their marriage is only together because he's lying to her and she has no idea that she's on it or maybe he's lying the fact that he was on it, you have no idea. And you are getting validation and encouragement through people you have no idea, who are incentivized to have their own bullshit.

This sounds really kind of shallow, but I'm the most confident and everything that I've ever been in my life. And I don't feel like my husband appreciates that. And I guess like I've never felt good about myself and I do now. And so it's hard. I don't know, it's just, it's hard.

I guess the what ifs pop in your head. Like, what if there's someone else who will appreciate you in this world, but I know the grass isn't always greener on the other side. Yeah, it's apples and oranges. I mean, listen, every relationship has an issue of those highs and lows.

Every married couple kind of just, you know, you get used to each other. You take off your top, you know, your husband looks less than the guy who's just like, please show me your tits, you know, who felt like he hasn't seen a pair of tits in forever. I don't know, or to him it's something different. It's apples and oranges and you're measuring,

that's what I'm saying. It's just like your husband is competing against the internet, this unlimited source. It's just not realistic or fair. Am I glad that you're getting validation, however you're getting it? Sure. Am I glad that you can speak from a place of like,

I've never felt more confident? Yeah, I mean, I'm glad you feel that way. I wanna be clear, that's not from the validation. That's like my own work I've done with therapy and other things. That's not because I get validation. That's like internal. Okay, well that's good to hear, but how true do you think that is?

Really true. So like honestly true. Like if I, if I don't check comments or check messages for days, I'm not affected. Like I'm still happy with who I am. And I don't like, I don't open my Tik Tok or my, um, only fans or anything for a dopamine hit anymore. I did that kind of in the beginning, but now I'm like, oh, it's just work. Like it doesn't affect me. I am happy with who I am as a person. All right. Yeah.

I mean, listen, I, uh, I just want my husband to like want me more, you know, at the end of the day. And that's after we got into a fight this weekend, that's literally what I texted him. I was like, can you just like have sex with me more? Like make me feel more desired by you? Cause I really feel like it's weird because it's almost like we have gender reverse roles where like usually it's the man who's like,

oh, like I feel like my wife never wants me and my wife never wants to have sex. And it's like the opposite in my relationship. I think it'd be a surprise. I think most married couples when they get into thirties or forties or whatever, I think it's, I don't think it's all one-sided. I think there are a lot of women who feel unseen and unheard and want to have more sex

with their partners. I think, you know, I think there's a lot, you know, and vice versa, you know, it just kind of depends. I want to feel desired and he tells me I'm desired, but his actions don't back it up. And that's what's so hard for me. All right. So like, doesn't make me feel desired. Let's just wrap up to kind of address to what you really originally called is like,

how is your, your, your husband wants you on only fans. Well, how serious is about this request? How have you guys, I mean, let's just be practical about it. Like, have you guys discussed as a married couple with a couple of kids, how you would afford or pay for you getting off only fans? He just expects me to completely relaunch my real estate business from the ground up and start making double than I ever did when I was working my ass off. Okay.

But that's why it's like not realistic to me. Cause I'm like, I have two kids now and he wants me to jump into that. I don't know. I just, I guess he's saying like, he just, I believe in you. I know you can do it. I know you can do it. And it's like, well, we're in a different market now. I have two kids to take care of

and like I've never done that before. So how could I just turn around and start from the ground up after taking a break from it for two years and do that? Like that's not practical. It's not realistic. Well, you're gonna have to figure, you guys are gonna have to figure that out.

But it does sound like there's more healing that needs to be done. Especially since right now you guys are generally good, as you say, I would encourage you to get into couples therapy right now. Because at least that's something to work with. I don't know what to tell you about the OnlyFans thing. I mean, the money of it all makes it hard to get away from

because not only you, but he is relying on this money. Our whole family is and it's like, it's gotten to a point where it's like, I feel guilty doing it because I know how much he hates it. So I'm putting less into it, which in turn I'm making less money, which in turn makes it harder to get out of it

because we have debts to pay off and things like that before I could logistically get out of it. This is just a viral. This is just viral. This is a wild idea. Okay. So just take it with a grain of salt. Okay. What if you guys went in business together on OnlyFans

and what if he were the person who was actually responding and engaging with these guys? Yeah, I made him a list of things he could say sexually to me because he's so bad at that stuff. I don't think he could handle it very well. Everyone has strengths in their marriages. I'm the communicator for people. He would just be like, this is fucking dumb. I'm not doing this anymore. He's got about the patience of it. What if you hired someone to do it? I'm going to abstain from that because some people do that and I don't want to you know talk shit on other creators for that I just feel like it's a little disingenuous I mean it's it's

it's only fans you know I don't I think these I think it's safe to say these men you're engaging with are living a fantasy I mean if I'm honest I don't chat with them anymore someone else does it for me. So I haven't done that in a while. All right, I'm just trying to find ways to, you know, cause I can't help but wonder if your husband's biggest issue with being on OnlyFans was the fact that it caused you to cheat on him. And the fact that you are-

And that's what I would think, but however he started having issues before I was cheating on him. Or maybe he suspected that you might be cheating on him. Or maybe he felt your distance, you know, or maybe he started asking him. Or maybe he suspected that you might be cheating on him or maybe he felt your distance. Or maybe he started asking him, where is this leading to? I think the reality of the situation is, after we had kids, we both went in different directions.

He decided he wanted more of a traditional wife, stay at home with the kids, home school, bake sourdough bread, not have a life. And I'm like, wow, I have so much potential of earning income. And I was the breadwinner coming into the relationship. So it's kind of like, he wants me to fall into a role that I was never meant to fall into. I don't know if it was meant to be, but where I would agree with you is that we live in a different time. It's 2024, right?

Gender roles have drastically shifted. The earning potential of women has drastically gone up. How much men make versus women has drastically changed over the years. Men aren't always by default the breadwinners of the family. There are still a lot of men out there who like the idea of being the breadwinner and having a more traditional family unit and a stay at home wife and a wife that plays the role of a mom in a more traditional setting. If you have that expectation as a man, you need to do your part and your part might be making some fucking money and that might sound shallow and that might sound whatever the fuck but like you know. I agree with you and it's something I can't say. Yes you can. Because I'm not allowed to like question his masculinity I feel I'm

like you want me to be the woman who's just being at home then fucking pay the bills yeah I'm uh it's like I joke with Nat I mean that we we we work together it's great and it's a slightly it's apples and oranges our lives compared to others and I joke with I love that Nellie and I are in both ways, ambitious people. And I like that I'm ambitious. So I like that she has her own ambitions as well. And I'm joking when I say this,

but sometimes she has ambitions for like getting a really nice purse or a bag or a certain house. And sometimes it's easier for me to joke with her, like, great, if you want that bag, well then we need to work really hard, or whatever. You know, type of thing. And so every once in a while, like having big goals,

whether it's a material item like a bag or whatever, like, it's easier for me to say, well, great, if we want this, then we need to step up and work hard, type of thing. But that's kind of my point, it's just like your husband, like if your husband wants certain things, he needs to do his part. What I'm hearing, at least what you're hearing is

he wants a stay at home wife and a wife is also the breadwinner. And that's how do you do that? Which one is it? I don't think the fact that I make a certain level of money or I find, you know, I've reached a certain level of success in my career allows me to be more massage andistic or traditional or whatever. Right. But it does give me the space to have a conversation about having our family play into

certain traditional roles if we want to because we can afford it, you know, type of thing. Yeah. Sometimes I feel like maybe it's like an inner wound that he has where like he feels unequal because he's never made more than me. And I think like he needs to heal that on his own, but he's kind of like leaning on me to heal it for him and I'm not really capable of that. That might be true. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, he came in, he wasn't, he literally was not working when we got together because I started paying for school and was like, no, just focus on school. It's not like I've changed, you know, I've always made more money than him. It's not like I just suddenly started doing that. Yeah, I know.

This is a tough one. I don't know how helpful I was, but. You were helpful because you, the main thing I'm taking away, I'm sure the people probably listening absolutely hate me, but I do have some growing on my own to do and some accountability that I need to do and I'm learning that.

If you wanna make your marriage work, like everyone else who wants to make their marriage work that are having issues, you and your husband are gonna have to make some tough choices and some tough compromises. And I think I need to be more honest about how I feel about the flirting and whatnot and I just kind of need to lay it on the table

because I feel like I hide it. Yes. Like I don't want it and I just need to like grow a pair and be like look like this is where I'm at and I'm struggling. I've been you know pushing that part of me aside and I don't know how to always do that. Yeah and again you don't have to you can be honest and direct with your husband without being emasculating. You can't help how he receives it but there's a difference between you saying,

stop being a loser, be a man, and start providing for this family. I thought I would never say that. I'm not saying you would. That would be emasculating, that would be unfair, but you could say, hey babe, taking aside what I get out of it as a person, but if we were just talking straight financial here,

we can't afford right now me getting off of OnlyFans. And I disagree with you about the solution being I need to make up the difference from a real estate career. One, I'm not as interested in it. So like I need you to have a better idea because I'm down, I recognize me being an only fans is maybe not sustainable for our marriage, despite it offering us financial stability that we crave. That being said, we still need to solve that problem and we need to solve it together.

I don't have a solution, but I do know the solution isn't me getting into real estate and making up the difference. Yeah, the kind of solution that I proposed, and it's hard because I feel like it's a good solution and I don't know that he fully agrees, but it's like with everything else going on in marriage, we just kind of tabled it, was that after I hit my two-year mark,

because you need two years of the same type of industry to purchase an investment property. So after I hit my like full two years that I would just scale it back and get rid of anything that's super sexual and just turn it into more like triants and stripping and things like that. And focusing more on YouTube, TikTok income and not necessarily just focusing on the OnlyFans income. And he seemed receptive of it, but I brought that up four months ago and it's never really

been talked about again. So I feel like I just have this looming, like when's the bomb gonna go off? When's he just gonna be like, no, like it's me or OnlyFans. Yeah, I don't know. But listen, to make this marriage work, you're gonna have to make these decisions together.

And right now you're not. You're making them as individuals, you're competing. No, I feel like I'm literally two different people. I feel like I'm the wife and then I'm also this like separate entity that's a completely different person. You guys need to get together. Thankfully, it seems like things are going decently right now in the relationship.

You guys need to both recognize that despite what's going on right now, which is good, it seems like part of what's going good is that you've chosen to both ignore what's bad about this relationship for the time being, but you've sensed that these things that you're ignoring aren't going away. One of them is the fact that you're just on OnlyFans.

The other thing that you guys are ignoring is like your doubt about how he's going to treat you going forward, you know, your lack of compatibility in the bedroom, all these things, you're just both right now, you're doing what I think a lot of couples do when you're in this period of ups and downs, is it's like both of you just kind of want to be happy right now so you're choosing to be happy and ignoring the problems that you know aren't going away but you both know they're gonna come up sooner or later. So

you guys can still choose to be happy like you are right now but still acknowledge that you have things to work on. So take advantage of the happiness that allow it to stop being, you know, because right now, how productive is couples therapy when you walk in hating each other? It wasn't, and that's what was going on. Take advantage of the fact that you're at least more on the same page right now. You're slightly more aligned in the past. It's certainly going to bring up some issues, but like you need to work through those issues and then kind of go from there. But I think you guys need to make these decisions together as a couple, not as individuals. And you guys need to figure out some way to get on the same page. You're right. I really need to, because we are, we're acting like separate entities.

We're acting like ships in the wind and we're not acting like a couple. And I guess that's my defense mechanism is I just, I've always had to handle everything on my own. So I'm scared to like lean and make decisions together. Okay. Well, it's good acknowledgement, but that's the, although that's the point of being married. I guess it is, you know, and I guess because all of the things that I was promised didn't happen, I'm like afraid to lean on him because I was told

that my life would look different than it is. And that's healing I have to do on my own. We all have some healing to do. Sorry, I wasn't more helpful. I don't know. You really were. Honestly, I know, even if you don't feel like you were just being in a space where I could actually say what I'm really feeling instead of what I feel like I should say because of embarrassment, honestly, like my real feelings feel embarrassing to me

because I want I want to feel more guilty and all of this than I do. And so I haven't been open and honest about how I feel with anyone, including myself. So being able to do that actually is a huge thing for me. Yeah, but talking through it, I don't think it's a matter of you feeling less guilt. It's just like you said, I mean, I just think there's still a lot of pain and hurt

behind the whole affair in general that was never fully addressed. And instead of resenting him, you just don't feel guilty. Yeah, I think you're right. I think I've just covered pain with pain. And I'm like, well, you know, he hurt me, so I'm just gonna not feel bad about hurting him. But I do feel bad.

I really do. I don't wanna be that person. Well, that's good. Yeah. Listen, I- I'm not a sociopath, I swear. I never thought you were. I don't think sociopaths call it on this show.

Listen, you've made some choices that have worked out in some ways that have caused problems in others and now you're just kind of a little stuck. That's all. Yeah, it looks like I fucked around and found out, right? Well, yeah, nothing that communication won't help solve some problems. No, you're right.

I think we should do couples therapy and I also think I should do individual therapy. Yeah, yeah. You seem like you could benefit from both. Yay. I mean, I don't know, I'm in both. I think everyone can benefit from therapy. I don't think that was an assault. But you are trying to work through a lot of heavy stuff on your own.

That's true. I am. And you're- And so instead of working through any of it, I'm working through none of it and I'm just holding onto it. Yeah, you're just kind of making excuses or justifying or you're doing all these things that everyone does to kind of work through them on your own. And if you can't be honest with even yourself, let alone your friends or your therapist, it's never gonna get worked out. You're right. Does your husband know you're calling in?

No, mainly because I found out about this at 10 p.m. last night. Okay. How do you think he'll feel about it? So originally I wasn't going to tell him. And now I feel like I'm going to tell him. And I'm really not sure how he'll feel because I don't know that I want him to necessarily hear it. He knows that I started listening to your podcast, especially the Ask Nick section, like right when we were in the thick of it of like, he just found out about the affair, our marriage is in the worst place possible. And it really, really helped me a lot listening to other people. So I think he'll appreciate that. But I don't know, I, he tends to like to be more

private. So the fact that, you know, I came on a podcast to talk about our marriage, I don't know. He tends to like to be more private. So the fact that I came on a podcast to talk about our marriage, I don't think he's going to love. I mean, his wife's not only fans. I mean, I don't think he's that private. I thought it's like a double life because my very close friends know, but no one else knows. They just think I'm the trad wife. And then I have this whole secret life behind me.

Try to have less secrets. That's also a battle. It's hard being two different people. Try not being. I think I'm afraid because I'm a lot, like I'm not ashamed to do the OnlyFans stuff and he is. Like my friends know, his friends don't. But I guess also from a man's perspective, like, you know, you have an attractive wife who they find out that there's a way to see them naked that would probably be frustrating as a man. Depends on the guy, but yeah, you just, you have to get on the same page with your husband. you just, you have to get on the same page with your husband.

We do, we have to get on the same page and I hope we can. I really do. I just, I'm afraid that either one of us is going to make too much compromise and regret it because there, we're really on opposite spectrums of where we're at with this. You guys just have to, you know, I don't know, divorce is an option? It is, and I've been there before, but that didn't involve children. No, but kids aren't. I'm not afraid to get divorced, I'm not.

What I'm more afraid of is giving up on someone who has the potential to be a lasting great partner. Well, listen, you guys just need to get on the same page. Do you wanna make marriage work? You guys need to both get the buy-in and start there. It's almost like I feel like we should just start over and read date and all of that because we're so different now.

I mean, and Italy, we're almost five years married now. Well, do you, it's just like, do you want to stay married? It just comes down to that. I do, I do want to stay married. And does he? He absolutely wants to stay married to a point where. Are you both willing to do that at all healthy costs? And I would, and I don't, you know, I like that you added the healthy cost

and because I have always had a dirty habit of sacrificing everything I want to make someone else happy. And that's something with the, like I said, I'm very happy with who I am now. That's because I've set more boundaries with everyone in my life. And I I'm afraid of going back to the people pleaser because it's like the first thing I wanna do is just be like, okay, I'll do nothing. Like I'll just make him happy.

And then I don't wanna end up presenting him or myself for that. Cause I very much in the past would have just been like, yes, I'll quit everything. Like, yes, I just want you to be happy. Don't worry about it. That's the thing. I mean, I guess it needs to be mutual.

The compromise needs to come from both ends and it needs to feel without keeping score because it's not ever going to always be equal, but you both need to feel like you're both making sacrifices on a regular basis to make this relationship work. And for the most part, it shouldn't feel like big sacrifices, but like in general, you both need to do what you need to do to make this relationship work. It needs to make you feel more validated and seen. You need to maybe adjust what your expectations of that are.

He is entitled and allowed to have a certain kind of sex drive without the fear of his wife going around and flirting with other men and cheating on them both physically or emotionally. That's not fair either. He needs to, you know what I'm saying? That's not sustainable. You're like a lot of, well this is my sex drive. It's like, and I feel like as women, you, I think women, you know, it's just like

because men stereotypically are usually one way, it's just like for the women who do have a higher sex drive, I feel like they're more entitled to expect their partners to meet their sex drive. Yeah, I mean when you say sex drive, I would say more than the actual physicality of sex, it's an intimacy drive that I'm missing, more than anything. Fair enough, but anyways. No, like it's not necessarily the act of actual sex, it's intimacy around it that I feel like

is extremely lacking because I agree with you, your sex drive is your sex drive and I don't wanna put anyone in a position to be having sex when they don't want it, you know? Male or female, it's not right. But yeah, anyways, but yeah, you just both have to compromise. Yeah, there's, I'd like to feel more, like, wanted and valued intimately, I guess.

You know, whether that's massages or more hugs or just genuinely like listening to me when I talk. You know, those things are intimacy, not necessarily just like the act of sex. Well, good luck. Thanks. Keeva's posted for sure. We'd love an update. If he ever wants to call in together, you know, do a mediation. Oh, God, that's going to be bad.

I don't think I would. I don't think he would feel like I'm only taking your side. That's for sure. That's true. He wouldn't feel that way. I guarantee it. He would be like, oh yeah, see, you're crazy. I don't think you're crazy either. I don't think you're crazy. I think you have valid concerns too. I think he probably has some valid concerns. You know, they're just like very. I wouldn't say it's a no, it's a maybe.

I think it's a maybe. But either way. He wanted to do like a weekend therapy retreat. So I don't know that he'd be opposed to it. We would love an update if you're able to give one. Don't read the comments. Yes, people are gonna project and judge. You're not doing this.

Oh yeah, nobody ever, once you say I cheated, nobody ever, you're just done to them. There's no, that's just how people are. So yeah, I'm not gonna read the comments. All right, well thank you for sharing your story. It's certainly an interesting one. And hopefully I was at least somewhat helpful. You were. Thank you so much. All right. Keep doing what you're doing. All right. I appreciate you. Take care.

Bye. All right. Bye-bye. Do you have Wayfair in your life? Well, if you don't, you do. You need it. We have our entire office was decorated and furnished by our good friends at Wayfair. Wayfair is an online retailer that sells a variety of home goods, including furniture, decor, lighting, and kitchenware. Wayfair is the place to shop for all things home this holiday season from sofas to spatulas and everything you need from holiday hosting

like festive cookware, cozy bedding, and holiday decor galore. Nellie just got a bunch of Christmas decorations from Wayfair and you can too. The holidays can be stressful, but Wayfair makes it easier to get your home holiday ready so you can make your home way more you at a price that works for you and they aren't kidding about that Wayfair has incredible pricing for everything you need for your home. There's something for every style and every home no matter

what your space or budget is Wayfair is your one-stop holiday shop for everything you need to do and everything on your holiday list for extra seating for the whole family to bedding sets for your guests from kitchen brands you love and tabletop decor for every holiday that you want to celebrate free and easy shipping even on the big stuff they'll even help you set it up endless selection everything from holiday decor to our area rugs cookware bedding and living room updates. Wayfair is your one-stop holiday shop for everything on your to-do list this season. Head to Wayfair.com right now to get your home holiday ready.

That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R.com. Wayfair. Every style, every home. Helix! We've talked a lot about Helix and we'll keep talking about it till every person is sleeping on a Helix mattress because it is truly, it might save the world. We live in our contentious world, but Helix is making everyone get better sleep, more relaxed, comfier in their home. When Nellie and I sleep on our Helix mattress, it's like sleeping on heaven every night. We love it. We're obsessed with it.

We rave about it every day. We really do. Our mattress is the Moonlight mattress. We've been sleeping on it for four years now and it's never been better and you can be sleeping on the best mattress made by mankind And just a matter of days because elix always have an inventory of some of the most unique mattresses out there They have mattresses for every kind of sleeper 20 unique mattresses It doesn't matter if you're a side sleeper back sleeper tall sleeper big sleeper slow sleeper hot sleeper kid sleeper It doesn't matter

They got something for everyone and all you have to do is go to heelsleep.com and answer a couple questions about how you sleep, some of your preferences and they will give you a mattress that is right for you. And then you get to try it for 100 nights, sleep on it for 100 nights sleep trial. Do whatever you want and you can send it back if you're not completely obsessed with it. Plus all of their mattresses come with a 10 to 15 year warranty depending on the mattress. Their award-winning Lux and Ultra Premium collections are also amazing and plus they have the Helix Kids for all the kiddos out there. If you don't want to take our word for it,

no worries. They were awarded the number one mattress by GQ and Wired Magazine and also recommended by multiple leading chiropractors and doctors of sleep medicine as the go-to solution for improving your sleep. So upgrade your mattress today with Helix. Helix is offering up to 20% off all mattress orders. Just go to helixsleep.com slash viall. It is helixsleep.com slash viall. With Helix, better sleep starts now. How's it going? Hi, I'm Erin. I'm 22 and I'm wondering how to date as a digital nomad. What's a digital nomad? When you work from home and you be bop around and can't stay in one place.

All right, can't or you just don't prefer to or? I don't prefer to. Okay. Yeah, I don't prefer one place. All right, you're only 22, so there's that. What do you want out of dating right now? It's really hard to say. Ideally, I do want a partner.

I want a long-term relationship. I do a lot of fun camping, hiking, mountaineering. And I always do it alone and I really want someone to share experiences with. Yeah, I think that's kind of what it's boiled down to. That's what I found out. Okay. What is dating like for you now? I've kind of been through it with really terrible, terrible guys. And I think that I have a really hard time, honestly, dating in general. I try to meet people. I go to farmers markets alone. I go to the dog park.

I go for runs. I go work in cafes. But I hate dating apps is what it's boiled down to. I feel like I moved out when I was 18. I moved to Montana and dating apps and that was my first adult experience. and I feel like they kind of ruined them for me being on them so young and not really knowing what I was looking for and when I go on dating apps now I was reading your book and it's just for an ego boost and I recognize that and I'm not interested in it anymore. Okay well maybe you just need better boundaries for yourself when you go on them. Listen as far as dating apps go,

I think they can be very successful. I think they have a lot of flaws, and I think the biggest flaw is whether true or not, I think there's a perception that there's a lot of user error, so to speak. And I think a lot of people have a perception that dating apps are dummy proof, or like they kind of do all the work for you. And their user error comes from most apps don't limit

your options or choices or things like that. They obviously don't limit how much time you're on them or why you're on them, you know, in terms of whether it's for validation or for human connection. That being said, like they can work and they have worked for people, so I think if you can recognize that a lot of your bad experiences when it comes to dating apps are a result of you being young and foolish in how you approach dating apps in the past, it might be worth revisiting your approach on dating apps

with a lot more rigid and healthier boundaries. That is just a separate aside. Other than dating apps, forgetting about you being a digital nomad, why do you think you have a bad picker? I think I'm really, really picky when it comes to it. I know. And yet you've picked a lot of shitty men, as you say.

I know, yeah. So you can't be that picky. Absolutely dogshit, man. But I think I kind of get wrapped up in what this might look like, and I seriously loosely dated someone on and off for about two years, and it ultimately ended when I moved out of

the state and reading through your book, I kept asking myself, why did I stay? What was this doing for me? And it was doing absolutely nothing. He was so mentally abusive, such an asshole. And I stayed because I think I see the good in him. I was like, oh, he's a great person. I want to be with him. And I think that I mentally have a lot of hope in other people and think like, oh yeah, he's different than the rest. Like it'll be different this time. And every time it kind of ends the same way. And this last relationship that I was in, when I moved down here, it ended with

the, I don't think I'm emotionally available right now, and it kind of gutted me a lot more than I'd like to admit. And- How long were you dating him for? Yeah, we talked in Montana. That's where we met when we were both 19. Went off our separate ways and we've had mutual friends. We've known each other the last three years. And then we started, I told him I was moving back in July.

And then we started seriously talking more. And then started hanging out in early August when I got down here. And we spent a lot of time together, talked a lot. And ultimately, yeah, I don't think he's blaming it. But he did say like, I'm not healed from past things. And I knew his ex and I knew about it. And I knew she was kind of mean. So I believe it. And I believe him. And I don't think he's off sleeping with other people or that doesn't matter That's just your ego. Yeah, so I don't know but I think the last three years Which I feel like were kind of my prime adulting and kind of on my own

Figuring out my life has been ruined by shitty man ruined ruined and to where my expectations are not The bars low Nick. I don't know why, shitty man. Ruined? Ruined and to where my expectations are not. The bar's low, Nick. Well, I don't doubt it, but like, what do you mean ruined? Like I feel like I have like an anxious attachment issues. Like I am afraid I'm going to get hurt all the time. I don't enjoy starting anything now because I feel like I work myself up to see the outcome as yeah, this is not going to work out because it hasn't in the past.

Okay. You're going to hate advice, or not even advice. Oh man. It's also gonna probably come across a slightly condescending. I'm hearing a little bit of like, you're 22. I'm the problem. No, it's just that, like, I think a lot of this is youth and inexperience.

And while you are 22, I appreciate that you are as old as you've ever been. You've never been as old as you've ever been. You've never been as old as you are today. So for you, you have nothing to compare it to other than the fact that when you were 16, you were a lot younger than you are today. You've never been 22, you never imagined being 22.

And when you did imagine being 22, it felt like a lot older. So I hear you on all that. But you're only 22, you're four years in to your adult life of which don't know when you're going to leave this earth, but let's assume that you're an average person. And so let's assume you make it to at least 75-ish,

give or take, you know? And you are talking to me as if you are 60% done with your adult life, and you have all these regrets, and you've really wasted your time on these shitty men, and you just wanna make the most of your final years on this earth. That's kind of how you're talking. Which I get, and I've been you before,

and so I'm not trying to diminish how you feel. And I don't know, you know, my greatest challenge as a father will be trying to teach perspective to my kids because it's hard to have perspective without having lived experiences. And so your experiences now that you're going through right now

is unsatisfying as this answer is going to be, will benefit you in the future. When? I don't know. You'll appreciate it more in the future. You're having a hard time appreciating it now because as a 22 year old, you're just kind of getting tired and annoyed with what feels like your entire adult life and the outcomes that have presented themselves.

So my biggest takeaway for you, if nothing else, if we had 30 seconds left to speak, I would just tell you, ease up a little bit, enjoy the life that you've built for yourself. As a digital nomad, if I knew nothing else about you, I would know that you are embracing your independence and you are able to live for yourself. Because to be someone who's a digital nomad and goes from city to city and takes advantage of the fact that they can work from home and they can work anywhere in the world

and you are in fact doing that, tells me you are capable of living for yourself. And at 22, that's a great time to do exactly what you're doing. And quite honestly, you know, there's an argument to be made that maybe now's not the time for your dating life to be your number one priority.

It's like, do I appreciate you read my book? Thank you, I really do. But part of me thinks maybe you shouldn't read my book. I think I was just pretty dumb bad one night. No, I know. Listen, my book is definitely for 22 year olds, but I'm just saying there's a time and a place right now to get stressed about your dating life. And if you can read my book, you know, page through it from time to time for a healthy reminder about certain aspects of your dating life pop off. But if you're reading my book is like, oh my god, it's just like my dating life is an absolute dog shit. So fuck it. I'm just going to give this former bachelor podcaster a try because nothing else has worked. Then maybe, you know what I'm

saying? Like, I just think you have a doomsday approach to your love life. When in fact, I'm thinking you got no problems. Yeah. I mean, I like to think that I do. I mean. Isn't that funny with the way you said it? You'd like to think that you do. As if like you feel left out if you don't have problems. I understand what you're saying. I think you can do both, right?

It's not mutually exclusive. You can recognize that overall, you actually have a pretty, I mean, I know nothing about your life. So I don't wanna call it great. But like things could be worse. Things could be worse. And the fact that you are able to live for yourself

and be an independent person at 22 years old and see the world, it's like my parents went to Mexico for the first time in their life at like 70. I don't think my dad's ever been to New York, you know? Yeah, I feel like I'm kind of down about myself and dating and like why am I not seeing results? And then I do have a moment where I'm kind of down about myself and dating and like, why am I not seeing results? And then I do have a moment where I'm like, you know what, like, holy fuck, I'm only 22. I've done this. I've done that. I've seen this. I've experienced all this. But I'm just, yeah,

coming to the point where I want that with somebody else. But when someone asks, how long do you plan on staying? I don't know. Like right now I'm here until next summer and then after that I don't know where I'll go. But I mean, staying here, staying with someone is not off the table. But I think that kind of turns away a lot of people. Sure, but not the wrong people. Because like, for me about my being the older person,

telling you to chill out and live your life and enjoy the age that you're at, if you called in and you're like, let's say you were in your mid-40s, I wouldn't have just given you this whole life lesson about being 22, right? And your situation be slightly different. The obvious solution to your problem is

you need to find someone of similar interests, right? So your answer to your question, you need to filter out all the people who have no interest in ever leaving the current city you live in. Like those aren't the people you should be dating. No. You can fuck them, you know, have a good night,

go bowling with them, you know, enjoy them, get to know them, but like you would be doing yourself a disservice to fall for a guy who is very clear about his long-term plans, about where he wants to live or his lack of traveling. Yeah. And are you pursuing these men? No, I actually

have not knock on wood been pursuing anyone in the last weeks or so. Weeks, but in general. I haven't dated anyone down here except for the guy that I just ended things with. Okay. And then let's talk about the guy you just ended seeing things with. How were you guys compatible? We were kind of on the same wavelength of didn't go to college, would rather kind of immerse ourselves in a career, but we're passionate about. I spend my summer back in Alaska. He spends his in Canada. He lives down here in the off season. I am living down here and I kind of expressed to him like, yeah, like I would stick around. Like if you wanted to stay, if you wanted to winter down here, I would stay with you. I don't mind it here.

And we talked seriously about a lot of relationship stuff. And we've both kind of been through it with partners. And we related a lot. And he kind of expressed some really deep feelings to me. And then a week or so later is when he kind of added things. And I feel like I haven't grieved that portion yet. And what are you feeling from it? I'm feeling like absolutely betrayed too, lied too. Why do you feel betrayed? He, I mean, we talked about like he's a pilot, so he's going to be somewhere else for the winter.

He talked about me going there. No problem. I work from home. And then we talked about a bunch of plans we had. We're going to go backpack this. We're going to go hike this. Let's go fishing this river. And then he kind of had a realization that he hasn't healed from past stuff

and didn't want to start anything. And I told him, I don't mind waiting. I have a lot of stuff I want to work on, but I won't wait around for you. And I'm not going to beg to be with you. And he kind of took it as like, yeah, like, and this is kind of the end right now. So why do you feel lied to and betrayed?

I don't know. He expressed that he was falling in love with me and like that we were going to get back together after we met when we were so young and we both kind of went our own ways and then reconnected. And yeah, I tried to not like reread like all our texts where he kind of expressed feelings to me, he expressed how different this feels than past relationships. And I agreed, but I just feel like I don't think it was malicious in any way. I think he's generally hurt and I agreed, but I just feel like, I don't think it was malicious in any way. I think he's genuinely hurt and I believe him and we have a lot of mutual friends

and we still talk here and there. You keep saying, like, I know you're not alone in this, so I'm not trying to pick on you because a lot of people do what you're doing, but you keep saying things like, well, I believe him. Like, we're talking about his feelings and plans. And as a digital nomad, you of all people should know that plans change.

And I get that it's hurtful to have someone say, I'm falling in love with you. And then what feels like not too long later, they opt out, but falling in love and being in love are also two different things that ever watched The Bachelor, but in all seriousness, but feelings also change too. And you also said, well, we actually sat down and opened up with each other and he shared things that maybe he hasn't really shared in the seriousness, but feelings also change too. And you also said, well, we actually sat down

and opened up with each other and he shared things that maybe he hasn't really shared in the past, but it also sounds like some sort of therapeutic session. Maybe it was for him. Maybe you really let him get some things out, but allowing him to get those things out probably maybe opened up something inside him. He had to maybe reevaluate things.

Maybe he's just scared. I don't know the reason, but if you were to rewind any further, you're living in this place, you're a digital nomad, you started dating this guy, you were just like, well, I would stay if you would stay. Something about that, I don't know how to articulate it, it just feels like you're not setting yourself up for success.

And yeah, and I 100% believe you. I think there's a lot of stuff that I need to work on personally, but I don't stuff that I need to work on personally, but I don't think that I ever will. I don't have anything against therapy. I think it's, I have a lot of people who go, but I have a really hard time opening up and kind of digging deeper, I guess.

And I think that's affecting relationships in a sense. And that's why I prefer like the short term, like the city's not working out. Let me go somewhere new and try again. And you're saying that's why you would never do therapy? No, I think that I think I need to get over my fear of therapy. Oh, this is a start.

Yeah, I know, it is. General advice, as a 22 year old digital nomad, I would say congratulations on deciding to live for yourself. I'm also picking up on the fact that part of your reason for being a digital nomad might be an outlet of some kind for some reason, I don't know. Again, you just seemingly kind of running away from problems,

finding new things to get excited about. So maybe there's something rooted in there. I don't know where it's coming from, but probably coming from something. But not to put a negative spin on you being a digital nomad. I just think like you're kind of a digital nomad that's actually looking for a long-term stability. And I think if you wanna be a digital nomad,

you need to embrace the lifestyle that is being a digital nomad. And I think you can date as a digital nomad, but as always for all of us, you need to know what your expectations of yourself are, what healthy boundaries you think you need to know what your expectations of yourself are, what healthy boundaries you think you need to successfully date. You can be open to meeting someone that has long-term potential, but you need to recognize as a digital nomad, that's going to create potential

complications. You're describing a situation where as a digital nomad, you're living in an unfamiliar scenario. You met someone you have a slight history with, but he's also not a digital nomad, but he's a pilot, so he's kind of here and there. A somewhat similar lifestyle to you. Then you guys bonded over some kind of shared past trauma or whatever. You started liking him, probably over bonding

over this kind of shared trauma. You felt a little safer, you felt a little more secure. And despite being a digital nomad, you tried to then commit to some sort of stability and then wanted him to also commit to that as well. That was always gonna be a long shot. And he maybe wasn't ready for that and he wasn't sure how to handle that.

And then he wasn't sure what expectations you might have of him. And then you probably projected some issues that you're working through and then maybe he did panic. I don't know. But it made a lot of sense why he chose not to take you up on this offer. And then you get rejected and then you see it as rejection and you see it as something's wrong with you. You see it as deceit. You see it as him being dishonest. You are making yourself feel better by checking in with friends to make sure that he's actually not dating anyone else.

And it's like, you're trying to make sure that he's still unhappy and still hasn't figured his shit out because that's the only thing that's protecting you from not going down a real bad rabbit hole because he was quote unquote honest with you. And I just feel like that's a poor way of looking at it. He doesn't know what he wants, is probably the safest guess. And you probably again helped him work through some feelings

and he expressed some feelings. I'm sure there were some truths to those feelings. He doesn't know what to do with those feelings. And you don't like how he handled his feelings he didn't know what to do with. You didn't get the answer you want and now you're upset about it. Yeah I think yeah that's a very nice way to sum it up. So I don't think the question is how do I date as a

digital nomad? I mean your question is like do I really want to be a digital nomad? Yeah it's what it kind of boils down to. Yeah I don't think that I would settle down in one place I don't know where I would but I feel like if it was with the right person I would. It's a lot. I don't know where I would, but I feel like if it was with the right person, I would. It's a lot of pressure. What does that even mean? You know, people, with the right person, I would change my entire life for this person.

I wouldn't mind hanging out in one spot for someone. Yeah, but I think maybe that's kind of your problem. I don't think it should be for someone. And it's never, someone's never gonna be able to live up to that. Right now, for whatever reason, you've embraced this digital nomad. It sounds like maybe there's some past trauma

that's causing that, and you have found a very kind of exciting and cool way to deal with that. And then you're hoping a person is gonna be the reason you give that up. That's too much pressure on this person. And I don't think this person, whoever they are, is capable of being that person. You need to figure out what it is that's driving you from bouncing from place to

place. And then you on your own need to outgrow or work through this need to jump from city to city. Yeah. And a person can't be the reason you stick around. It needs to be because you feel content and you feel settled with who you are as a person. But while you are a digital nom feel settled with who you are as a person. But while you are a digital nomad, I think you need to embrace being a digital nomad. I think you need to embrace the lifestyle and then have some realistic and healthy boundaries

to how to make that work. Yeah. You hate my answer. No, I mean, my sister-in-law tells me something like that about every day. You're only 22, you're kind of the issue. But I think it's really hard for me to like that about every day, like, you're only 22 year kind of issue. But I think it's really hard for me to admit that I need to change and do something about it. And so I don't think you need to do some drastic changes.

I think it's just how you see yourself and your choices. And I think some of the things that you want are kind of contradicting each other a little bit. And I think part of the reason there's the contradiction is because some of your choices are rooted in maybe some past trauma you've avoided addressing. So sure, yeah, you're part of the problem we all are when it comes to our problems. Generally, we're the reason behind it.

It's generally not someone else's fault. And listen, whether you wanna address all this now or not is entirely up to you. You are young. My point is, and maybe your sister's point is, is just pick one. Either be happy and 22 and embrace your nomad life or deal with your shit. Yeah.

And I can already tell you right now, I'm not gonna deal with my shit, so I'm probably. Why can you so confidently and proudly say you aren't gonna deal with your shit? I think it's just a lot of avoidance. Like I don't wanna dive deep, or I don't wanna get into my feelings and everything, but I do want someone

and I do have to do something about that. Yeah, because like this relationship with this guy that you're so upset about was destined to fail. Yeah. I mean, whatever you're avoiding was gonna come up in your relationship. You have no idea how you would have handled, you know. Your feelings could have changed in six weeks.

So at least you avoiding things, the digital nomad lifestyle actually works for that. So it's like, if you were saying, Nick, you know what? Fuck it, I'm not ready to deal with my shit. I know I have to deal with my shit. I'm just not ready. But you know what, Nick? I really, honestly, it is fun going from city to city.

I do like the lifestyle. I know part of it is me just kind of avoiding some shit, but at the same time, I really do like it. I'm not really looking to settle down. I'm only 22. YOLO, I still have, there's a lot of other countries and places I have yet to visit. I would say, listen, go nuts.

Like, you're fine. Yeah, fuck it, yeah, you're 22. You're wasting energy reading books and calling into a podcast and pining over the one who got away. And it's just, well, then fucking do some about it. And my book is great for dating. It's not great for people who can kind of openly admit

that they know they're avoiding addressing some deep rooted trauma from their past and it is causing them to make certain decisions in their adult life and fuck it, they're just not. Yeah, you're not certified for that, that's totally fair. Yeah, so it's kind of, you know, whatever you want, you can have. Yeah.

You know, you wanna talk about some of your past trauma? You know. Yeah, how far back do you wanna go? You just sample something. I mean, I'm not gonna be able to address it all, you know? But like, what do you think, if you had to guess, where do you think some of your issues are rooted in? I think my mom's probably gonna hate me for this,

but sleeping with guys way too soon, I think is a big issue that I have. And where do you think that comes from, if you had to guess? Like validation and like needing to know like, oh, do they like me? Okay, sure, very common. Do you think that comes from? If you had to guess. Like validation and like needing to know like, oh, do they like me? Okay, sure. Very common.

Do you have some daddy issues? No, I don't. You don't? Okay. No, I don't. No. Where do you think this need of validation from men comes from?

I don't know. Like I think I just like to feel kind of seen appreciated. Was there a point in your childhood that you felt unseen? Did you have like a glow up? Yeah, I did actually. I was severely bullied in like middle school and finally did something about that in eighth grade.

High school I kind of kept to myself. And then I graduated and I didn't go to college like everyone else. And I went off and I worked seasonally, traveled, started doing a bunch of cool shit, mountain stuff. And then, yeah, I feel like that was a big pivot. I think I struggled a lot of confidence issues from being bullied and feeling like a target. And I didn't really date anyone in high school at all. And then when I moved to Montana, that was like my college experience. And probably wasn't the healthiest to be dating in a ski town. Everyone kind of knows your business. And like you said, it was kind of like college. So, you know, whatever. Yeah. And it was. That was my college.

So maybe it is just that. That would be a good enough reason to like, you know, if feel like you're just severely bullied, you didn't get any attention from boys back in the day. Yeah. You had a bit of a glow up and here you are here you are, getting a lot of attention from men, but for whatever reason not feeling it's enough. I'm sure there's more to it, but it's not that hard, it's not that scary to talk about. Yeah, and I think I kinda just need to get over that.

It's not that scary to talk about. Yeah, that's okay. I mean, again, you're only 22. I don't think you need a guy in your life as much as you have convinced yourself of that. No. Want and need are different. Like, I know you recognize that,

but like your actions are acting like you need someone sooner than later. Yeah, and I really don't. Yeah. I mean, yes, I would prefer to do all these things with someone, but that's also a lot to ask someone to. But you'll have plenty of time to do that. Yeah.

And that's the, you know, that's the part of that you'll just have to. Accept. Accept, yes. Yeah. And you, you know, you should know that to a certain degree. Yeah. Find the companionship and the friends that you're making. Maybe just focus on making friends right now rather than meeting men.

Yeah. As someone who got bullied in middle school, maybe instead of staying for one of the guys, maybe it's because you found a good group of friends worth sticking around for. Yeah, and I did do that when I was living in Alaska. I had a really great group of girlfriends, but I also felt like I needed to kind of get out of Alaska and kind of like figure out my life.

And then I've been down here for about two months now and nothing's figured out. I think you need to chill out on your expectations of figuring out life. I don't think you move to a new city and in two months figure out your life. Usually it takes you in any city you move into, it takes you kind of a year to even have it feel like your home. It's like you moved to a new city to figure out your life. You got to figure out the city before you can figure out this life. Yeah. Before you can figure out life, you got to figure out your life, you gotta figure out the city before you can figure out this life. Before you can figure out life, you gotta figure out yourself.

So you got a lot of figuring out to do before you can figure out your life. But the good news is you're only 22. So there's no real need to figure out your life and what is that even? So maybe just change your narrative in your head. It's totally fine that you moved to a new city. Hey, I needed something new.

I just got bored of this, whatever. I didn't wanna settle down in Alaska. That seems reasonable. It's pretty foreign earth, I don't know. So here you are in this new city. Hey, I needed something new. You know, I just got bored of this, whatever. I didn't want to settle down in Alaska. That seems reasonable. It's pretty far north. I don't know. So here you are in this new city. You're looking for new adventures and new some new people. I think it's just like long term and versus short term goal setting is maybe even part of your problem. Yeah, I could see that. Other than knowing that someday you want to settle down. That's a good general goal. Someday is in fact someday. and someday isn't today or tomorrow.

And there are no deadlines for someday, but it's still a good general goal to have, because you can still be working on yourself as a person. You could still work on yourself as a potential partner. You can do this out of committed relationships, you know, just interacting with men in general. You get good at setting healthy boundaries for yourself, you know, just interacting with men in general. You get good at setting healthy boundaries for yourself. You know, as someone who maybe is, has a hard time setting healthy boundaries with herself and then enforcing those boundaries with the people you're dating.

As a single person, you could practice that. Yeah. And knowing that you want to be in a long term relationship, you could help set yourself up for success. Yeah. I think that's what I was down to. Yeah. A lot of your disappointment, I think that's what I was down to. Yeah, a lot of your disappointment, I think as a young adult has been, and again, you're among friends

because I did this and I think a lot of people, I think we've all done this at 18, 19, 20, 21, is that you just, you tried to grow up too fast. You tried to play house. You tried to find the love of your life when you're 18, 19, 20 years old. And while that may be worked when you're 18, 19, 20 years old. And while that may be worked 30, 40 years ago, it generally doesn't work now for what we also expect for ourselves as individuals. You have individual goals, you have things that you want to do. And maybe you're just right now at a place where your individual needs are more prioritized and rightfully so than your relationship needs with someone. And maybe just accepting that is all you really need to do right now.

Yeah, I think that the last two weeks or so I've kind of had that in my mind. Like, you know what? I'm gonna work on myself. I've been running a lot, working on doing stuff alone. Cause obviously I don't know many people here. So I'm trying to immerse myself and being okay with being alone. Not completely like I don't sit at people here. So I'm trying to immerse myself in being okay with being alone.

Not completely, like I don't sit at home and not talk for days, but I think I need to get better about doing stuff alone and kind of accepting that. This is the lifestyle that I chose and I need to learn to work with it. To a certain extent. Yeah. When you do feel alone, I think the biggest thing is

you don't need one guy to be the solution to that problem. And I think right now in the back of your mind, I think it has been fixated on a life partner or a guy of some kind. Again, it can be friends, it can be acquaintances, it can just be people. And I think maybe just changing your focus on connecting with people right now and having valuable relationships with friends of some kind and de-prioritizing a man could go a long way for you right now. Yeah, I agree with you on that. I'd be willing to bet the person you're really upset over right now made a healthy decision

even it felt like that way and you were probably projecting things and the pressure he felt probably was valid. I'm not saying that you should calm up and be like I'm sorry I put so much pressure on you blah blah blah blah blah. I'm just saying I don't think it's coming from nowhere. Yeah and I don't think and yeah no it was not malicious like he wasted my time on purpose. I don't think he wasted your time at all. You're right Nick I don't think he wasted my time at all. I learned a lot from it. Yes I was disappointed in outcome, but it also has kind of put me in his position and I'm like, well, shit, maybe I also have some things I need to work on. Well, partly like, yeah, you didn't give it the solution that you wanted, but what you wanted was solving a short-term need. Yeah.

And you have some long-term problems. We all do. Yeah. And you convinced yourself that if you could get this short-term need settled, that it would fix all your long-term problems. And that's never the case. It's not the case. Yeah. So you can still be sad and upset about it, but this whole narrative of like trusting him, like that's all your ego. Yeah. That is you just again, over prioritizing the need of a guy in your life. And I think a lot of this is just your perspective needs to be slightly adjusted. Yeah. They need to set more realistic expectations. Yeah.

When you start measuring things in weeks or months, you know, that's a, that should be a signal that you're being unfair to yourself. Yeah. And that's also a little bit of your youth as well. Yeah. I think I compare myself to a lot of people. Who are you comparing yourself to? Peers who are in long-term relationships.

I mean these last few weeks where I've kind of realized I'm trying to like go out and meet people in public. I don't think I'm not approachable. I think I'm friendly. But it's so basic to say I want to meet someone in an unorganic way. But if I were you, I'd be open to all ways of meeting people and stop measuring your success on a, what seems to be like a daily basis. It just takes time to get comfortable in a new city. Use being in a city to take risks you wouldn't normally take, you know, give yourself permission to be adventurous.

Long time ago, I went, I moved from a city of Milwaukee where I grew up to a city of Chicago where I didn't know a lot of people. And in the first couple of weeks of living in that city, I gave myself permission to walk into a bar by myself and sit down at a bar and order a beer just to see what would happen. And I would never have done that in Milwaukee

because I would have judged myself and been like, what loser shows up to a bar by themselves. And when I was in Chicago, I gave myself that permission to do that because I was like I don't know anyone. And as soon as someone was like, oh what's a cute guy like you doing by themselves at a bar? I'm like I just moved here, I don't know anyone.

And I was like oh my god, a little bit of your friend. But I'm just saying, so now as a new person in this new city, you can give yourself permission to be adventurous, to try new things, to get yourself out of your comfort zone. Stop judging the outcome of all these interactions. It's just like, you're just trying some shit out, you know? Play around a little bit. You're not doing it to necessarily meet someone,

you're just doing it to be more adventurous, you're just doing it to get out there, you're challenging yourself to get out of your comfort zone, you're embracing the single life, you're embracing your independence. Own these decisions that you're making. And listen, if by owning these decisions that you're making you realize this isn't the life that you actually want,

then that's fine, at least you got somewhere. At least I got, yeah. But live the life of a digital nomad, fully own it, and then you'll get a better read on if this is the lifestyle that you actually want as opposed to are you using this lifestyle to run away from problems that you're unwilling to address. The answer is probably somewhere in the middle. Is this helpful at all? Yeah, I mean I think that I have a really tight, hard time accepting hearing this shit from people that I like no offense like care about and know, but I think that I have a really tight, hard time accepting hearing this shit from people that I like, no offense, like care about and know.

But I think hearing it from an outside perspective where you really don't know too much has been helpful. That's why I'm here. No offense taken, by the way. Yeah, yeah. All good. But yeah, I think it has been helpful. Hopefully that I'm not the only one.

But yeah, I think that this was- What do you mean, hopefully you're not the only one? What do you mean? Like I hope I'm not the only one. Be like a literal hopeless romantic. Like I want this, but I'm not really ready for this. Be a hopeless romantic. Have some fun with it, but just be realistic.

You know, that's part of it. It's part of growing up. When you were 17, you could be a hopeless romantic because it was like, I'm only 17. What am I fucking gonna do with this delusion? You're an adult now, and you can actually, you have the agency and the freedom to act on your delusion. Part of being an adult is to check your delusion

a little bit and realize that like, yeah, it's fun to fantasize and it's fun to throw out these ideas in my head, but I also just have to make some tough choices. I have to work on my shit. I have to hold myself accountable. I have to be realistic. I have to be patient. You can have everything you want, I promise. You just, part of it is just patience and realizing that like, you know, the rom-com story that you want to be a part of, well, you know, maybe you fall in love

at 29 years old. And when you're 29, you won't give a shit that you're 29 because when you're 35, you'll wish you're 29 again and all that fun stuff. But I get right now, you're just like 29, you know, like, yeah, like, holy fuck, that sounds like it sucks. It doesn't though. It's only sucks if you tell yourself it sucks. 35 year old you is going to be annoyed with 22 year old you. Yeah, I 100% believe that. But and 35 year old you are going to be annoyed with 22 year old you. I promise. Yeah, I 100% believe that, but. And 35 year old you are gonna be like, you should have just fucked around and had some more fun. I don't mean, like listen, also, if you wanna fuck men,

have some, fuck men. But again, you just need to do it with more honesty with yourself, better boundaries, more realistic with why. If you read the book, right, if you're gonna pitch this in a hookup call through, do it because you wanna fuck for no other reason. And then know, and just be honest with yourself

about your intentions and don't ask, you're not doing it to get a second date. It's very tricky to do emotionally, but you at least have to be honest with yourself about doing it. But you're not getting the most out of this experience. It's like for me, like I went to college and then I wasted my entire freshman year

being obsessed over this, a know, a girlfriend, right? And like, listen, my life turned out just fine, but I didn't embrace college quite the way I should've. Yeah, and I feel like I could be unfortunately 29 and be like, fuck, like I wish I was 22 again and doing all this. Yeah, as opposed to being like, you are doing cool shit and that you're not enjoying as much,

you're not getting out, you're not getting as much out of it as you could be if you were just owning the life that you chose. And understand that with every choice that you make, sacrifices are required, you have to make some compromises, and again, that's part of growing up. I will say, life gets easier the more you can mature while you still have your youth,

because a lot of, what is know, what is their maturity? It's kind of making stupid fucking choices and then acting like we don't know why this happened. Yeah. The consequences of your actions. And that just gets really frustrating, right? And that's where immaturity comes from. And so all of this is coming from a frustration that you're experiencing some

of the choices that you're making. You would just be happier if you were a little bit more honest, more mature, and a little less delusional with your choices. Yeah, yeah, no, I think that's pretty valid. Overall, take away, you're doing, just take it a little easy on yourself. Yeah, I think I need to take a step back

and reevaluate what I want out of life and what I want being 22 and having all this freedom and independence and stop comparing, stop worrying. And yeah, I'm just really young. And final thought, because since you wrote the book, when and if you are pursuing a long-term relationship, stop mixing hookup culture with dating culture. Yeah, I actually, I had graduated from hookup culture when I was about 21. I was in a few situationships and recognized that, got out of that. But hookup culture, I was about 21. I was in a few situationships and recognized that, got out

of that. But hookup culture, I think is not for me because do you get emotionally invested? But I don't know, I might make a comeback. It really just comes down to your expectations of it and how realistic you are. And you just have to get good at saying, all right, well, I like this guy. So now I have to change my approach. Yeah. And then if you do hook up with someone and you feel kind of emotionally connected to them, maybe take a step back and ask yourself, is it just because I just fucked them? Yeah.

Ask yourself what you like about them. What are things that you're compatible about? And just be honest. And you can check in with yourself. You just have to get good at that practice. Most people don't actually do it. Most people are just like, I feel this and therefore it's true. Yeah, but it's really not. All right, well good luck out there. All right. Thanks. All right, take care.

Take care. All right, bye bye. Bye. Hey, all you busy people out there operating on a budget. Well, that's basically all of us. Well, if you haven't checked out EveryPlate, you need to check it out because EveryPlate is helping you have delicious meals that are affordable, easy to make, and ready

to go delivered right to your door. Stop wasting time making a shopping list, going to the grocery store, picking out ingredients when you can have great tasting meals ready to be made, delivered right to your door, as low as $2.99 per meal. That is great. Give your budget a break this fall with affordable recipes from America's Best Value Meal Kit. Dolls in flavorful variety with every place rotating menu of 26 weekly recipes that you can count on to be delicious. Focus on making fall plans, not planning meals. Who wants to do that? Who wants to lug groceries to and from your apartment, especially all you people living in the city? People in New York, on you don't want to like lug groceries on the subway no just have every

plate deliver tasty meals right to your door that is super affordable and most importantly delicious with affordable dinners from just 2.99 dollars per serving on your first box every plate helps you save money for fall family fun so if you are looking to have more variety in your life stop wasting time going to the grocery store and just maybe spend a little less money on the food that you're eating, you got to check out EveryPlay. Join EveryPlay today and pay only $2.99 per meal. Plus get 50% off your first box. For all box sizes, get this amazing deal by going to everyplay.com slash podcast and enter code V-I-A-L-L 2-9-9. That's code V-I-A-L-L 2-9-9 at everyplay.com slash podcast.

Again, go to everyplay.com slash podcast and enter code V-I-A-L-L 2-9-9 to get your every plate today for just $2.99 per meal plus 50% off your first box. Vessi, we talked a lot about them already because they are amazing sneakers that look cool, stylish, fun, and most importantly, keep your feet warm, dry, and comfortable.

Vessi is a footwear company that makes waterproof, breathable shoes. And when I say waterproof, I mean 100% completely waterproof. As autumn breeze new life into the city, Vessi ensures that you are ready for every autumn adventure. With waterproof innovation, you'll strive confidently through rain-soaked streets, embrace

spontaneous city monuments, and complete comfort. Whether you are exploring urban highways or enjoying the season's vibrant energy, Vessi has you covered. For all of your fall surprise, Vessi is happy to present their new Tidal Sneaker. This is a fully waterproof, lightweight, and breathable design for all- day comfort and traction in any weather. It's sleek design and easy slip-on fit to make it perfect for tackling autumn's unpredictable conditions with style. Vessi has some great styles that are completely waterproof, look great, and are wonderfully comfortable.

So, check out Vessi today for their amazing selection so that you can enjoy all the seasons that you want to enjoy wherever you want to enjoy them in. Step into the season with Vessi's Tidal Sneaker engineered for maximum comfort and urban exploration with 100% waterproof DymaTex technology and durable construction. They're ready for whatever autumn throws your way. Discover more at Vessi.com slash V-I-A-L and enjoy 15% off your first purchase at checkout. How's it going? Hi Nick, I'm Sam. I'm 25 years old and my boyfriend is majorly broke

and it is limiting the fun things we can do together. Okay, how old's your boyfriend? He is 31. Bummer. It was a bit easier if he was like 24. I'm like, oh, come on, he's only 24. Yeah. What does your boyfriend do for work? So he is a teacher. Nope. Okay. Noble profession. Yeah. Yeah. Unfortunately he never got his college degree. And so

that really affects the salary that he gets. So that's kind of like the major factor and why he is broke, but he does gigs on the side. So like through the school, he'll coach various different sports, or he's also a musician, so he gigs on the side, but nothing really adds up to something super substantial. Okay. And what do you do? I mean, I don't need your exact job or anything like that,

but you're earning more than him, I'm guessing? Yeah, so I work in an engineering discipline. I mean, I don't make a ton of money, but it's a definite difference in terms of like, Well, also you're only 25, he's 31, and in six years, I'm guessing you'll be making more. Likely, yeah. Yeah.

There's your short-term problem, which is you'd like to do more fun and exciting things, maybe take some trips. And then there's a long-term problem, which is if this problem doesn't go away, not only will you not be able to take the trips that you want right now, you'll have other limitations in terms of what you too can do as a couple around money. Yes, exactly. And as unsexy as this is, this is a potentially non-negotiable, this isn't like a pet

peeve. I think when it comes to conversations around money, no one wants to sound shallow. No one wants to be like, well, my partner doesn't make enough. Especially, I'm guessing as a woman, you don't wanna like playing in traditional gender roles. You don't wanna like sound like a gold digger, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

But the reality is, is like money is a real thing. The bed, the room, the budget type of thing. This is a budget conversation. It causes a shit ton of stress on all couples if there's a lack of compatibility in the space. And you guys have a lack of compatibility in the space. And that's something you guys have to address. Honestly, how much have you guys addressed it with each other? I mean, we've had conversations here and there about it. The conversations usually just end because there's really nothing that we can do about it. I guess it's like,

that's not true. It goes towards like me ending up like paying for like more than 50% of a lot of things we do. But I will say like we do 50-50 on a lot of that and he does a good job at you know making sure like even something that like I really appreciated from him is that even when maybe this might even be bad, but when he can't even afford it, he'll take me out or get me something and show me love in that way. So it's not that like the craziest thing is like, it's we're so compatible in every single other aspect. Like that saying that's like, doesn't matter what we're doing, as long as we're together, we're happy. Like that is us to like, doesn't matter what we're doing as long as we're together we're happy.

Like that is us to a T, everything about it. It's just this one place where it's like, we don't get to do a lot of things. We're usually at home or- So the problem with what you just said is that you are, what you're saying is not exactly true or realistic. You are kind of, you're just kind of weighing it disproportionately, this one thing.

This one thing is kind of a big thing and this one thing is something that I'm guessing comes up on a somewhat regular basis. That you feel, you and or him are constantly faced with compromises, choices and stresses that you would rather not have to make on a regular basis. And, right? So, and I think, and I, and I, and I, and I, and that's, that's a challenge, right?

Because I don't doubt that everything you're saying is true in the fact that you get along great, you respect him as a man, you, you like his character, you enjoy his company. He makes you laugh, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, the sex is great, yada, yada, yada, those are all nice things. But here, so let me ask you this, as far as your relationship with him is, what are your long-term goals and plans for him, this relationship and yourself?

So I mean, long-term, we want to be together. As like a married couple? We both are on the fence about marriage in general. Okay. I don't know if that's something that I want for myself, but- What about kids? I don't think so.

Okay, well that makes it a little easier for you, but so you're saying right now long-term, the goal is to be with him in some sort of exclusive cohabitation that may or may not include marriage. Okay. And on some ways that makes it a little easier, not having kids really allows you guys the freedom, if you choose, to keep things more separately and more independent. And despite being in a relationship, you can have a little bit more of your life and you can have a little bit more of his without more overlap because you don't have to,

you know, you don't have to raise kids together. So that's a benefit. That being said, I mean, it's, you just have to, like, I guess it just comes down to then, okay, so you wanna sit together. What do you wanna do for yourself? Like what kind of lifestyle do you wanna have with your partner?

Let's take him out of the picture. You're fantasizing about what you want for yourself long-term in a relationship. What does that life look like? What's your dream scenario? So yeah, I think that's where I kind of doubt myself is that I love to travel. Like it's one of my favorite things to do.

It's also his favorite thing to do. And I think when we first started going out, it was something we did all the time because he at that time was making more money with a different job. And I had a little more disposable income. So that's something that we did a lot. But when I think about the future, I don't really see myself stopping that. But with that said, I'm a very independent person.

And for the past year or so, this problem has kind of come up in our relationship. And I'm a very independent person. And for the past like year or so, this problem has kind of come up in our relationship. And I, I'm told I've gone on solo trips, like I travel alone, I love it. I don't mind it at all. But eventually, I do want to travel with him. And I see that kind of affect him too. You know, I'm going on these big solo adventures, having so much fun gone for a couple weeks at a time. And he's not there. And I'm sad. And that makes him sad. sad because obviously he wants to be there with me. So I don't really know where to go with that because obviously I'd want him to be there all the time. I don't want to travel with him as much as I can but I acknowledge that that's not as realistic and is that even realistic with

a lot of other people? So is it a matter of being okay with having that side of my life separate or just wanting to combine that part of my life with a relationship? What do you think? I mean, what do you think ultimately is sustainable? I guess I don't know. I guess the latter. I mean, ideally mending those two parts of my life.

I would think so, right? I mean, it's, you know, cause you, not that it's not, and it's not that untraditional, especially in 2024, but right now you see for yourself a slightly untraditional adult life, which is you'd like a life partner, but that life partner doesn't necessarily include

like any type of traditional thing like marriage. It certainly doesn't include kids right now. And as a result, you, you know, I'm assuming you want to take advantage of the freedoms that some of these desires that you have want. I mean, for people who want to have marriage and kids, you know, like, yeah, there's a, I love being a husband and a father. There comes without a lot of sacrifices, you know, all of a sudden now when we now get invited to something, it's like, well, do we have a babysitter? You know, and I'm guessing you want to take advantage of the fact that you never have to ask for a babysitter.

Now what's the point of having freedom if you can't do anything with that freedom, right? So I'm assuming that quite honestly, like it really is a big deal for you to have a partner that not only wants, but it is capable of living the life that you want to work to carve out for yourself. So I guess what I'm saying is, as your friend, I wanna give you permission to be okay

with wanting certain things that I'm guessing right now you feel guilty about saying you want for yourself because you're not sure if your boyfriend can do it. And so I feel like you are suppressing slightly what you know deep down you want for yourself long term out of guilt. Yeah, I think you got that one. So that's not going to solve your problem, guilt. So you have a couple choices.

One, I just think you need to be honest with yourself first that you, this is not of a want, this is a need. You're willing to be patient, it sounds like, with this need, which is why you're still in this relationship. Like, you don't need this problem to be solved tomorrow or even a year from now. But I'm guessing you would like to know that if you stay in this relationship, by the time you're 30, you can live the life

that you've earned for yourself. And you would like to have someone you can share the life that you've earned for yourself and you would like to have someone you can share that with. And the problem I'm guessing you're facing right now is that you actually said it earlier, which I don't agree with, which is what choice do we have? There's nothing we can do about it. And that I don't agree with. But your problem is that that's either what your boyfriend thinks

and you have chosen to agree with him, or what's what you both actually think? Yes, I think that second part where you said is very accurate. I think something that I've struggled at least with him, it's like, I think he's very comfortable in the amount of money that he makes and his career path so far.

He loves being a teacher and I love that. I think he's meant to be a teacher, he's so good at it. But since he didn't have a degree and, you know, having some resolve, like there are opportunities for him to, you know, almost like better himself in a way that's like, you know, going out and getting after it. But I think there's a layer of that that's, you know, almost accepting his fate. Like he didn't come from a lot of money. So I don't think he just knows anything. He doesn't know any better. He doesn't know a different lifestyle or what it could be. So I think I've heard that from him

and I've kind of also internalized him and been like, oh, this is our reality. This is what's happening. There's nothing we can do about it. That makes sense. But yeah, I mean, it's, and so now another question is, what's your comfort level of,

I mean, this is an art, you know, because you just said, listen, I love all that. There's so much I love about this guy. Like about this guy, it's great. It's just this one thing, which I've said, listen, it is, it's not a small thing. It's a big thing, but there are a couple of different solutions to this big thing. Right now, one of the solutions that we just kind of are talking about it, which is like, he, he could figure out how not to accept this reality

and he can make moves, he can make decisions. They might be tough moves, they might be tough decisions, they might require some sacrifice. It might feel like, you know, in the short term, like a step back rather than a step forward, but there are things he can do, right? He could go back to school, get a master's, get a bartending job, yada yada, make some cash on the side, you know, he could, you know, and so he could be an administrator. If he wants a teacher, he can quit teaching altogether. He can go back to school. He is only 31.

It's pretty stinking young. So he has a lot of choices, whether he feels like it or not. Option two is for you to truly, fully embrace this kind of modern woman that you are and say, I'm just gonna make enough money for me and whoever my partner is so that we can do whatever the fuck I wanna do, which quite honestly is like,

this is kind of a weird territory, but I think that's most, more men are more comfortable with that logic. I didn't really know who my life partner was gonna be, well hell, a few years back. But whether I was 19 or 35 as a single man, I never really cared about what my partner did for work or how much money they made because in my mind, I was just going to take care of that end. I was always attracted to professional working women. I've always been attracted to strong personalities.

I find it sexy when women do work, and I think it's sexy that Nellie is a surgical technologist who's still passionate about her job and even works when she doesn't need to. And I love that I work with my wife and I think it's really cool. And she's crushing life. And I mean, you know.

But you know what I'm saying? It just was, I decided that if I have certain ambitions, I'm like, I'm, I'm, I'm grateful that I found someone who was also ambitious, but I was going to just do that end on, you know, so I wasn't going to worry about that. But you know, it's the, despite it being 2024 and despite a lot of gender norms, you know, we're, we're breaking those kinds of glass ceilings, so to speak, it still feels like there's still an element, I don't know where it comes from, or if it's more influenced by men or by women,

but it's kind of like, and it might be both, right? It's like, you could be the person, it's like, yeah, actually, Nick, I am okay with that, but my partner, he's both poor and doesn't wanna have his partner make more than him. And it's like, what am I supposed to do with that? And there's probably a lot of men like that out there. In fact, I think we just got done talking to someone

who might be married to a guy like that. But you get what I'm saying now? That is a choice, but it is a choice that's not typical. But I am curious before we get into what your partner's thoughts and feelings or society's thoughts and feelings, I am curious about you and have you even considered that as a possible solution?

You know, I mean, I've thought about that and only since being in this relationship, I've never really considered that before. And I think mostly because like I never pictured myself making enough money to do that. And at least like where my career path is right now, like it's a possibility, definitely. And I'm not opposed to that either,

because as long as we're both doing what we're passionate about and doing what makes us happy, I feel like that will satisfy me. I just don't know if I ever will be in a spot where I could fully cover a whole nother person. Well, I'm not expecting, if you're not having kids, or I could fully cover a whole other person. Because at least his conscience. If you're not having kids,

I'm not expecting him to do nothing. But as a teacher who maybe had some part-time gigs, maybe he can contribute an extra 50K to the budget. And so maybe you're making enough to pay for the mortgage and the bills, and that 50K is your travel fund. I don't know. I'm just saying, like a dual income with no kids, regardless of what that dual income is,

you can still like do some shit. Can you fly first class wherever you go and stay in the most expensive hotels? Probably not. If that's something you wanna do, then you know, you might have to alter your plans. But you're still relatively, you're still young. And I will say this as someone who like,

you probably have no idea how much more money you can make. You're only 25, you know? So it's all probably cool right now, you know? And you'll get better at dreaming bigger as you get older, if you're not already, but. Yeah, so I mean, I don't know how helpful this is for you right now, but I think this is like a combination of one. I think you and your partner might need to have some more slightly honest and realistic

conversations about your dynamic or what you both want in your relationship. Because kids are not, money is always going to be a major sticking point in relationships. Whether that's fair or unsexy, it just is. And maybe less of a case for two people who have no plans on having kids, but it's still, you know, there are other reasons you might need money and traveling is definitely one of them, right? Freedom, you know, and you want that, right? And so you guys just have to figure out how you guys as a couple plan on getting that

over the next five to ten years. And you are going to need to feel like he is contributing and willing to do something because him saying, well, you know, what can I do? I'm a teacher. It's such a, I mean, I don't know, it's just a defeatist attitude. And you have an ambitious mindset, right? Someone who ambitiously likes to travel and you're willing to put your you know time where your desires are is an ambitious person someone you know everyone said you know i know everyone but a lot of people say they like things and want things but definitely aren't willing to do what it takes to get those things it kind of sounds like your boyfriend and you're the person who seems like, well, I want things and I'm also willing to do the things

that it takes to get those things. Is that fair? Yeah, that's a fair assumption. That's your biggest disconnect. And that speaks to an incompatibility in your relationship, which unfortunately is much bigger of an issue than you've been telling yourself. Yeah, I think that highlights,

like I think my thought process even was, you know, going back to college degree thing and like doing gigs on the side. I think a lot of the times I'm the one kind of pushing him being like, Oh, have you followed up with the advisor about going back to school or, you know, have you reached back out to that wedding venue who wants to book you for a gig? Like, I think I'm the one pushing for that. Whereas he's more comfortable in the state that he's in. And I think, yeah, the way you highlighted the ambition, I think really points to that. And let me ask you a question.

I don't want you to answer it away. I want you to think about it for at least a few seconds. Do you find his lack of ambition unattractive? I guess to a point. So more than you'd want to. His lack of ambition, yeah. But that's in terms of professionally, because I'd say his ambition and other parts of his life are very different.

Like what? And stronger. Music, he loves music, all of his passions that he does. But not so much to play at a wedding. Yeah. Yeah, I guess it's, But not so much to play at a wedding. Yeah, I guess I want to see it a certain way. Well, that's fair too. I mean, again, if you want an adult relationship, you need two people who want to be adults. And part of being an adult is work of some kind, right? It's having to do things when you don't always want to do them. It's having to get out of your comfort zone from time to time, whatever that is. On some level,

I'm hearing a little bit of like a general frustration is your boyfriend has a little bit too much boy energy than you wish he had. Yeah, yeah, I think that's true. Which is tough, you know, because unfortunately I don't think society in general is asking men to grow up any faster than they are. He's not like, he's not going to get it from his family. Uh, it doesn't sound like, so it's kind of, are you willing to have these type of conversations with them? Yeah.

I mean, I'm definitely willing and I think he is, we're very communicative. Like he's always willing to listen to, you know, how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking and like me to him as well. I think this conversation in particular has been put off because of the fear of the outcome. Sure, it's tough fun, right?

Cause now you're dealing with these kind of like unspoken things, like your boyfriend feeling emasculated somehow by this conversation. You don't want to know. You want to be careful not to. It's like you feel like you have to tiptoe around certain issues.

But on some level, he's got to man up. Maybe man up is the wrong word in 2024. But he's got to man up. Maybe man up's the wrong word in 2024, but he's got to adult up. He's got to say what you want about gender roles. But I haven't met a lot of relationships where the women in a heterosexual relationship feel like they are generally asking more of themselves than they are of their male partners.

And I just find that generally leads to a lot of resentment and frustration in the long term. So you need to figure out a way to communicate with your partner about some expectations you have of him that he can appreciate rather than find it as criticism and find ways to challenge him and hope that he likes to be challenged. Because if not, if he's not ever willing to grow out of the more boyish type of behavior, which he might not be, something's gonna, you know what I'm saying, something's gonna have to motivate him to do it.

It's generally not, you know, could be the loss of you. Maybe that could be it, I don't know. You know what I'm saying? But he's gonna need something at 31 years old to have him change his POV about his expectations of himself. But you are resistant to rattling the cage, you know, because, well, most of it's pretty good. But comfort is the enemy of change, you know. So you're gonna have to shake some things up somehow. And it might be through just some tough conversation, but you're gonna have to find the words to say,

our current trajectory isn't cutting it for me. I would be fine with paying for everything, but I want a lot for us. And you should be able to say what your long-term dreams are. If it's not, you know, maybe it's a big house. You know, even if it's materialistic, you know, like as a couple, you know, whether you want kids or not or marriage,

you guys want something, you know, like you two, what's the point of being an exclusive, committed relationship long term if you two aren't aligned, if you don't have some sort of common goal? I think that like a cheat code of having kids is just like, well, for better or worse, that is your common goal. It unites two people to be like, oh my God, this thing will die without us.

So let's get our shit together. And if it honestly, you know, kids can cause a lot of problems in marriages, but it's also a lot in a lot of cases, like the great uniter, because you are kind of forced to like let go of some bullshit because like this thing needs you. So you guys have to find whatever it is, if it's not going to be a marriage, if it's not going to be a kid. And I'm not trying to sell you on anything, I'm just saying like, what is your common thing that you guys are working together every day as a couple? Because you need something. Yeah, that's a good point,

because I mean, even right now, like, we don't live together, we live like an hour and a half away from each other. And like we've talked about, you know, moving in with each other, but we don't have that solid date or exactly where we go, mostly because like, kind of going back to his job, since he doesn't have his degree, it really limits the places that he can work. So he has this job and you can't

really work anywhere else until he does get that degree. So it really limits where we can go. But he still has options. You know, I don't think he might not see it this way. He can go back to school, he can get his degree. Doesn't have to be Harvard. It could be fucking night school. Like, it could be. So my question, like, how do you, how do I inspire him to, to want to do that for himself? Like, like forgetting about me, like, I see that it hurts him.

Like he doesn't have this thing and what hurts him. I don't know what to do. Like, like the fact that he never went to college, like it's kind of a pain point for him. And then at a point in his life, like when he first, yeah life. I don't know how to shake him and tell him that. But listen, if he truly was bothered by this and if it was really a pain point, and we have to be careful in relationships that it's not really your pain point that you're projecting onto him and he's generally okay with it, but if it really is his pain point and it bothers him, listen, I get it. At 31 you kind of feel like,

oh, it's too late, it's too late, but if he had a partner like he has in you, someone was like, hey, listen, it's not too late, I think you should do this, I got your back, and he could do it, right? And maybe he just needs a little bit of that kick in the pants to say, I support you. A lot of people go back to school, you should do this,

I think this is the best decision for you and for us. If it was really a pain point, then he should, he's running out of excuses, because he would have a cheerleader in you. It would be, I would be a little more empathetic if he called in, whatever, maybe you were his sister, I don't know, or just someone, maybe. Maybe it was just by himself. He's just like, ah, it's too late for me.

It's like, it's really, you know. And he doesn't really have a support system to do it, but you could be a support system. I mean, doesn't really have a support system to do it. But you could be a support system. I mean, you'd certainly be more than willing to do that. So, you know, he's, so then if you haven't supported him going back to school, have you? I mean, has that been a conversation?

Yeah, so we've had conversations about that. It's kind of been an ongoing conversation for like three months. Okay. And it kind of goes back to, I followed up with him and you know encouraged him, you're not going to do this alone, like I'll be here, your roommates, your family, everyone will be here for you. But it goes back to like, he has so many doubts about himself. It's like this lack of confidence where he doesn't think he can do it.

So it's like, I don't know how to push him without hurting his feelings. Why, I mean, what does he think he can't do? It's like, he dropped out of school because he couldn't really afford it. And then now it's been so long that he hasn't been in school that he's like, I don't even know what school would look like. I haven't, you know, took a class in 10 years,

which is the oxymoron of it, that he's a teacher, you know, and is encouraging his students to do further education and everything. It's like a lack of confidence in himself, which I don't know exactly where that comes from. Maybe it's not a lack of confidence. Maybe it's a lack of work ethic. Yeah. comes around. Maybe it's not a lack of confidence, maybe it's a lack of work ethic. And maybe his lack of confidence is him knowing deep down he lacks the work ethic required to do what is asked of him. You said a few moments ago, he dropped out of school because he kind of couldn't afford it.

I would love to know what kind of meant. And I'd be curious, because there's a lot of people who bust their fucking ass. Like when I met Natalie, she was finishing up school for surgical tech, which required her to A, go to school, do her residency, and then she was also paying for school, so she was bartending. So some of those nights, it would be like, go to school, have a snack, bartend all fucking night to like three, four in the morning, sleep for an hour

and a half, wake up, go to the hospital at 6 a.m., work a 12 hour shift. Doesn't sound fun, not super sustainable, but when you're, you know, when you're young and you can do that shit. And we all, a lot of us hard workers have stories like that, you know, where like I could tell you a bunch of different shitty jobs I had, working long hours for bad pay, but people make sacrifices and put in the time and grind and work hard so they can't afford to fulfill their dreams. And then there are some people who are kind of like,

I don't know, I can't afford it because I don't really wanna work that hard for it. And it's like, yeah, I guess I could get another job, but like, why can't I really then, then I can't do what I want to do. And I really value what I want to do. And then if you have a conversation like that, then you have to be more realistic about compatibility,

about like, I'm straight, you strike me as someone who has a better work ethic than their partner. Yeah. I feel like I'm realizing that too. But at least like what he's told me about, you know, going to school, because this is way before I met him. He went to school for like two years, I think it was right before he got his associate's degree and he was paying for it himself. It was a community college and he had this opportunity to go teach English as a second language and,

And he had this opportunity to go teach English as a second language in a different country. And my brother did that. At least what he told me in his thought process. Was it South Korea? He was a Spanish teacher now and that's... No, no. It was Peru. Okay. Anyway, so he was a Spanish teacher.

Okay, so he did that. Yeah, yeah. So he got this opportunity to go to South America to do this and His thought process and how he's explained to me was like I was gonna learn so much more down teaching kids and in Peru rather than being stuck in this classroom getting this degree and so he decided to do that even though he had done like nearly two years of schooling and ever since, at least I've known him, and I think this has been a thought process of his for a long time,

but he's kind of in the mindset of like, fuck university, fuck like higher education. I can, in quotations, I can do what all these other teachers that I'm working with are doing. I didn't get a degree. Like, why do I need a degree to do this? I'm just as good as a teacher. I think that's where like his mindset is right now. And while I agree to that to a point, you know, I mean, kind of. Well, then he's like, he's not learning,

you know what I'm saying? Because I would say, well, not, cause like when you were just telling that story, I thought this was like him five years ago, and that's why he chose to drop out of school and then go and teach these kids in Peru. And yeah, a lot of people before him, in their 20s, made choices like he did, which is like, well,

you know, like a lot of bartenders, it's like a notorious, right? Bartenders who like get into bartending early on, right? And they're 18, 19, 20, 22 in their early 20s and they get the right bartending job and they're making fucking bank. And then all of a sudden they go to college, they're making bank, they get their first job

and they're like, well, I should probably quit bartending because I don't wanna work, you know, like I just described, you're like, I can't work till four and then wake up at seven and teach or whatever it is. A lot of people will be like, well, I can make more money now. I'm making six figures bartending and I'm supposed to make what, $50,000 doing whatever the fuck I went to school for?

Right. But then you realize, well, five years can go by fast and in five years, if you would have stuck with that job or maybe done both, you're going to make more money. You kind of have to... And part of being an adult is recognizing the value of access. And that's part of what college is, is to limiting people's access. Because they could be like, well, did you get a degree?

No, college is a way of limiting people's access. That's all it really is. That's why it's based on like privileges and things like that. It costs a lot of money, you know. And then in certain places you'd be like, oh, you didn't go to college, we can't hire you. And you know, it's all bullshit.

Is it bullshit? Of course, but it's still reality. It's still like part of living in society and dealing with certain things. Your boyfriend sounds like he's just really good at making excuses as to why he doesn't have to do things he doesn't want to do. That he's very good at it. And it sounds very convincing. But I'm get what I'm hearing is the reality is, is that, you know, he's not good at getting out of his comfort zone he has a hard time motivating himself and he's way too comfortable with being comfortable and as long as you make it comfortable for him he's not going to change. All of that seems valid I think it's interesting

because that's not a side of him and maybe this is just how dating is but that's not a side of him that I saw when we first started dating. It was all adventure getting out of comfort zones. We were doing long distance. It was also exciting. Different kinds of comfort zones you know. His comfort zone it sounds like where challenges is work and the grind of things. Short-term comfort sounds a lot easier. You just have to close your eyes and jump sometimes. But following through, showing up every day, continuing to wake up early, working two jobs for an extended period of time,

feeling like you're going a little bit backwards and having to deal with that whole ego of it all, those are far more challenging for people to do. So yeah, I think you're kind of comparing apples and oranges to doing some things that are new to him versus this. Does he live with his parents? No, no, he has a roommate. Okay. Which, yeah, I mean, he's, I think something else it's like, because he doesn't make a lot of money means he doesn't have a lot of savings either. And I at least we both came from families that, you know, we didn't have a lot of money growing up.

So I think a lot of my ambition comes from, you know, not wanting to live that lifestyle forever. So like I fear a lot for like retirement and having enough money saved up for when I'm older and that's just not reality. That's not something he can think about right now logistically. If there's things he has to pay off right now that he can't think about the future too far in advance. What are you thinking about now? How is this helpful, if at all? Like What is your takeaway? I'm curious. So I think my takeaways changed since I've joined.

I think you've shaped my perspective in the way that a lot of the times I would take what he would say as factual, all of it, instead of kind of challenging him and questioning the ambition part of it and lack of choice. Because the original reason I called in, I was gonna tell you about this trip that my friend had invited us, or invited me to Cuba at the beginning of next year. And I was gonna get your take on,

like since I've been going on these trips and I've been doing a lot of these things alone, even the last one I went on, I could feel a little bit, not quite a resentment, but a little bit of disconnect when I would go. I think just because he was feeling like he wasn't there with me and he was maybe a little bit sad that, you know, we're on different time zones. We're disconnected at that point. And now I have this another opportunity to go.

And I think I'm just scared of him resenting me for kind of jumping on all of these. But maybe I'm worrying too much about how he feels about it rather than how I feel about it. I'm worried you're gonna resent him in the future. Yeah, I think that could be a possibility. I'm not worried about him resenting you. I mean, I know it's always possible.

I'm worried about him making you feel bad for living the life that you wanna live because he isn't motivated enough to want to do anything about it. Because when you talk to me, all I hear are problems with solutions. And your boyfriend talks like there are none. And that's your biggest problem.

That's exactly it. Like if I were talking to him as a pal or a mentor or an older brother, quite honestly I'd been like, dude, you need to like grow up a little bit here. You need to expect more of yourself. You got this great girlfriend who's pretty ambitious. She's got a lot going for her and like say what you want. It doesn't matter how much she tells you she loves you now. And I don't care how great it is.

You're going to lose her because you're just just you're not doing enough to keep her around. You know, you're not doing your end. You're giving lose her, you know, and you just make excuses for what you're not capable of doing. And, you know, there may be some truth to what you're saying, but no one's gonna give a shit, even not her eventually. Eventually, if you keep telling yourself, you can't, you can't, you can't, then other people will stop believing in you as well. And you're gonna stop believing in them. Right now, you're still in love and young

and you see his potential and you wanna believe in him and you wanna be there by his side, but eventually, if he's not willing to do anything about it and kind of like not be the guy who's 31 and comfortable having a roommate and plays video games, and you know, it's just like he has time to play video games, so he has time to get a fucking job, you know? Or a second job.

And is that, you know, I don't know. I have 10 brothers and sisters, right? And when I was in high school, I wanted to go to college. I wanted to buy certain things. And you know what, some of my friends, they had parents who had more money than them and less kids. And so when I was working fucking construction jobs

and shoveling shit and mixing concrete, my friends were fucking around and having fun. And was I jealous? Of course I was. Did I want to do what they were doing? Sure. Like I just made fucking tough choices. And your boyfriend needs to fucking grow up a little bit

and make some tough choices and make some sacrifices. And he doesn't get to feel bad or wish he was on a trip with you because he needs to do something about it. He can go back to school, he can change his career. Those are two options, and he's just full of excuses. That's my tough love for him. I'm trying to tiptoe around it with you

because I don't want to shit on your boyfriend. No. No, I thought dating someone older would alleviate me of these kind of issues. But I guess that's not the case. Yeah, it's all relative too, you know? But the fact that he is older and he's still doing this shit is more of a red flag,

because it's less, it just means it's less likely that anything's gonna change. Because at 31, it's harder to change, you know? Because he feels old as fuck, probably. He's not, but you are in a bit of a pickle, because unfortunately, it seems like the only solution is for you to play the role of motivator and tough guy. You asked earlier, how can I motivate,

you can't motivate him, unfortunately. He's gotta find the motivated in himself. You can encourage him and you can be honest with him from what you need from him to be a partner and then he's gonna have to take a long look in the mirror and either ask himself, is he willing to rise to the challenge? Does he wanna be someone who's worthy of you?

Or not? And he doesn't get to just be enough. He doesn't get to just have you love him for you. Yeah, because I think right now it works, like what we've been doing. Yeah, but part of why it works is because you don't even live in the same city.

So your expectations of each other are limited because you don't see him as often, he's not living in the same city. It's a very casual, it's very like you guys have a boyfriend, he has a girlfriend, you have some regular sex, you have this regular companionship, he's there, it's nice, it's comfortable. But what you have, there's

no growth here. You have no vision of growth, you've kind of pointed it out, you know, moving in, what is that? You don't even know if you can afford what you want, so that's immediately a problem. And so as soon as you start advancing this relationship outside of what it is now, which is you guys living in separate cities and seeing each other intermittently, you're gonna start having bigger problems. That's honestly like a reason why I haven't even told him,

but like I'm not running to move in with him either. I think because of this, you know, I want him to be more financially stable before we can sign a lease together or something, you know, it worries me that it will end up being me. And I can do that for a little bit, but that can't be forever. So correct. Correct. Yeah. I want you to get more comfortable with expressing what you want from him. And then when he gives you the excuses, I want you more comfortable saying those are

excuses. Those aren't solutions, and I'm interested in solutions. So let's talk about what our options are, because I need you to start thinking about your options, and you can't just keep coming up with reasons not to do something. And I need you to point that out to him. You're so right.

I swear every time, I defend him. I always defend him and what he says and just take it like how it is. And I think you're right. I need to start questioning that and pushing back. Because listen, it sucks because it sounds like he's a pretty good guy, but you have needs and you have long-term needs and desires and they're not shallow and they're not superficial and you have a right to want those things and not feel bad about it.

And it's just the reality is, say what you want about gender roles or society or blah, blah, blah, it is just unattractive for men to be lazy and unambitious. I think it's unattractive for anyone, but I think it's more unattractive for men. And that should bother him. And if he's worried about his masculinity, then he should do something about it.

He doesn't, you know, a pity party about his girlfriend emasculating him is maybe the most emasculating thing a guy could do, in my opinion. But that's on him, that's up to him. Yeah, yeah, totally. All right. Well, I'll definitely bring it up.

I think I have to. You do have to,. Yeah, yeah, totally. All right. Well, I'll definitely bring it up. I think I have to. You do have to because again, what feels not like a big problem now and you're asking yourself if you're being slightly superficial is really big picture. Like the fact that like despite how great he is

and how the relationship is overall, your relationship is only great right now because of the limits you guys have put on it. And as soon as you start expecting more, which you're gonna want to, because what, I mean you're only 25, you're gonna expect more of yourself and therefore expect more of him and your relationship, and when you start expecting more,

he's not gonna be able to deliver and you're going to feel more and more of a disconnect and it's going to feel and some of these other incompatibilities which might exist that you're not just really addressing are going to come up. Yeah I see that like even you know since we don't live near each other you know within like an hour and a half But we live in this like cocoon for the weekends. That's all good and fun and awesome. And then we kind of go back to our respective places. When we're together, it's fine because we're in the moment. It's for the weekend. We're not working. But it's kind of like when I have most of the anxieties is when I'm back home and I'm starting to think about all these things again.

You're stressed about it because in the back of your mind you're thinking well this is fun now but in four or five years this is going to be lame. Yeah it's not sustainable. And he is going about his life that where he is he's acting like he's comfortable with this life for the next 50 years and you're like I'm comfortable with it because I'm 25. Yeah I mean like I think about where I would be at 31 like his age and I don't think I'd want to be doing what he's doing. I think I'd be wanting more. And you would do something about it. Yeah. My last thing is lead with love. I mean obviously encourage him, support him, motivate him but you do have to challenge him in

holding them accountable. At some point you have to find how you can offer him tough love and how he responds to that tough love is his problem. Yeah, I think sometimes I dance around it a lot. I am almost a little too sensitive because I'm so fearful of how he's gonna take it. At some point, honestly, to be honest, if it's gonna help you,

at some point he needs to take it honest, if it's gonna help you, at some point, he needs to take it poorly, because again, like I said earlier, he needs, he's gonna need, like this isn't a guy who's gonna drastically change overnight, you know? He's not gonna, like one conversation isn't gonna turn him into Mr. Work Ethic. So chances are, he's gonna probably need some kind of wake up call, and the most likely one

is you leaving him. But, you know, I'm just saying, just saying he needs a kind of a metaphorical kick in the pants. So your best case is to make him, to hold a hard line, lead with love but saying this is what I want for myself and do not let him make you feel bad for wanting more. And then that happens, that's where you draw the line and say I'm not gonna let you make me full mad for wanting more and I'm sorry this is

upsetting you, but I think you need to take a look in the mirror about what you expect of yourself. Because I expect a lot of me and I think you're capable of so much more than you think you're capable of, but I want to see it in you. Yeah, I think you got it. Alright, you need to grow up a little bit. Yeah, no, I agree. I just wish you could have done that before we got together. Yeah, that's where, you know, he can do it now though.

Yeah. I'd be willing to bet if your boyfriend has said, if you got off the phone with me, he's like called you up and he was like, hey, babe, you know what, fuck it. I decided to go back to school, blah, blah, blah. I've already looked into this. By the way, I'm gonna need a part-time job. So I started looking at some part-time jobs back to school blah blah blah. I've already looked into this by the way I'm gonna need a part-time job So I started looking some part-time jobs and blah blah blah you would be so fucking turned on

I'm guessing you would be like, holy fucking shit. Yes. This is awesome. My man's making moves It's doing some shit is you know, like that's all you want You just want to know that he's capable of fucking trying right now. He's just like mr. Like excuses It's you know, it's getting loser. Um, you know, and defense your boyfriend. Unfortunately, I think there's a lot of young men who give loser out there. I don't know why it is, you know, someone failed them along the way, but here we are. But I don't think you are wrong for wanting this and I think it is nothing to do with wishing he did something different in The past this is all like this all can change, you know, I'm saying this is this is doable

It's just a matter of whether he wants to do it But as a young 31 year old man, he still has the his options are limitless in Terms of what he could have for his life. My life couldn't be more different than it was when I was 31. I didn't even see this life for myself when I was 31. So, you know, I'm literally living proof that like he has no valid excuse as to what he thinks he's capable of or what he thinks his life could be. He doesn't even know. But what he needs to do is be willing to try. And he's gotta be willing to work. And when I made tough choices in my life, when I was considered leaving a job

that I thought could be my career for a TV show, I said, well, I'm gonna bet on myself. And that's been my motivation. It's just like, when I'm stuck between tough choices, it's like, I'm gonna bet on myself because I'm capable of doing what I know needs to be done. He doesn't have that. He needs to find that bet on himself mentality.

Right now, he's the last person he would bet on. Yeah, that's accurate. It's, yeah, he needs to believe in himself a little bit more, definitely. But you can encourage him, but he's gotta find that from within. And you do need it, you know, so challenge and encourage.

All right. Well, thank you so much. I really appreciate it. Take care. I appreciate it. Appreciate you sharing, not easy to do. Keep us posted. I think this is very relatable for a lot of people

in your position. Yeah, yeah, especially if you like nowadays when women, I feel like are feeling more empowered and taking control and doing what they want. Yeah, unfortunately, it's just like we just, you know, it's like women got more empowered, got more control. And then instead of men just kind of keep doing what they're doing, they decided to be like, I guess I could be a loser now. I don't know.

I don't, I don't know what happened. But you're not alone, unfortunately. No, I mean, to know that I'm not even alone on this, and that this is something that can get better, also gives me a little bit of hope, but not to latch onto too much, I think. Yeah. All right. Well, take care. I appreciate your call.

All right. All right. Great. Well, thanks, Nick. Yep. Bye-bye. All right. Bye. Thanks for listening. Great. Well, thanks, Nick. Yep. Bye bye. All right. Bye. Thanks for listening. Don't forget to send in those questions at asknick at thevalphiles.com. Be sure to tune in tomorrow.

We have Hannah from Love is Blind, Gypsy Rose on Going Deeper this week, and Charles on Reality Recap on Thursday. Plus recapping all your favorite shows. We'll see you then, bye.