The Viall Files - E826 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend’s Addicted To Fast Food

Episode Date: October 21, 2024

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! We start off the episode with a deep dive into cuffing season. Then we get to our callers…  Our first caller has found her person, but might not be ready yet. Our second caller’s ex boyfriend won’t stop reaching out. And, our third caller’s boyfriend doesn’t take care of himself.  “Neither of you were actually interested in being platonic friends.” Listen to Humble Brag with Cynthia Bailey and Crystal Kung Minkoff every Monday starting October 21st! Available wherever you get your podcasts and YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@humblebragpod https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/humble-brag-with-crystal-and-cynthia/id1774286896 https://open.spotify.com/show/4NWA8LBk15l2u5tNQqDcOO?si=c03a23d537f94735 Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice, send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: BetterHelp - Visit https://betterhelp.com/viall today to get 10% off your first month. Mack Weldon - Go to https://mackweldon.com/gifting and get 25% off your first order of $125 or more. FirstLeaf - Go to https://tryfirstleaf.com/viall to sign up and you’ll get your first SIX handpicked bottles for just $44.95. DraftKings - Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app and use code VIALL. That’s code VIALL for new customers to get $200 in bonus bets when you bet just five bucks. Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @justinkaphillips@dereklanerussell @kymccarthy23@allisonklemes

Hey moms, looking for some lighthearted guidance on this crazy journey we call parenting? Join me, Sabrina Kohlberg. And me, Andi Mitchell, for Pop Culture Moms. Where each week we talk about what we're watching. And examine our favorite pop culture moms up close to try to pick up some parenting hacks along the way. Come laugh, learn, and grow with us as we look for the best tips. And maybe a few what not to do's from our favorite fictional moms. From Good Morning America and ABC Audio,

pop culture moms, find it wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, I'm Crystal. Hi, I'm Cynthia. And we are so excited because our first episode of our podcast is out now. Check us out on YouTube or wherever you listen to your podcast. What's going on everybody? Welcome back to another electric episode of the Vi-Fi's Ask Nick edition.

I am your host, Nick. Join, wow, actually there's a lot of you here. Lay is back on Asnik. On Asnik. I'm back. All right. And guess what? It's cuffing season. It is cuffing season.

Not to be confused with cucking season as Sierra thought. What's cucking season? Justin said to me. We don't wanna explain that one. That feels like a bad word. It is a bad word. There's a filter that's happening here. Well, it's not kink shame potentially

for those into those sort of things. I wasn't shaming, I was just saying it was a bad word for my mouth to say. Not me looking up cucking. For you, it's a bad word. Well, I'm just saying, you said it was a bad word. Okay, sure, I need to specify. If someone is into it, they might take offense

and I just, you know, we don't want to. Shame, I agree, I'm not shaming. But it is cucking season. Which is? What do you think it is cuffing season. Which is. What do you think it is? Like shopping or something? Probably something to do with shopping. Cuffing?

Explain why you think. How did you get there? I thought you were gonna go criminal route. I think everything is an excuse for us to spend money. That's what I think. You know what, you're not wrong then. You know what, you're not wrong. You're kinda meta.

Yeah, actually. It got us there. So I think whatever this is, I probably have to buy something. It's part of it. Whatever this is, it sounds expensive. Wait, so my question is, when did you meet Natalie? September.

Okay. So kind of cuffing season-ish. But I didn't commit to her until July. What's about meeting people? Well, no, that actually makes sense because people don't commit to her until July. Eh. Well, it's about meeting people. Well, no, that actually makes sense because people don't commit during cuffing season. What do they do? That's right.

They... What is cuffing season? They cuff. Cuffing season is the time of year when single people look for short-term romantic partners, usually from October to Valentine's Day. And in my head, it's always, you end cuffing season before January 1st, because your resolution is like bettering yourself.

I don't think this is happening. When did this start? It definitely happens. I don't know when it started. When do you think it definitely happens? I've never met anyone. How many relationships? I'm just saying, I've never in my life,

I've heard of cuffing season, I never really knew what it was, thank you for clarifying it, but like it's not the first time I've heard the word, season and I really knew what it was. Thank you for clarifying it, but this is not the first time I've heard the word. But what it's never happened to me is I've never in any social interaction been like, well, it's cuffing season. I think I'm gonna pick a guy or pick a girl.

Or like- It's unspoken. A dating- Oh, I see. But we're all convinced it's happening. I guess my point is, is that- I have math for you. What I've learned,

let me finish before you get your math. Have have a statistic what I've learned from doing this show is people are really struggling finding love or Finding partnership birth rates are literally going down people are meeting each other less and less less and less people are getting married every person who Calls an atheletic is like completely exhausted and frustrated with the day anything right now We can go into all the reasons why. I just don't think people, I don't think there's abundance of connections going on that people could be that, that the average person, I'm not talking about West Wilson,

Mr. Six Foot Famous Person living in New York. Yeah, some people, the fuck boys, they're out there and they have options. But the average person struggling to find connection, I don't think they're like, honestly, what was that, a short period of time nowadays five months fuck five months is an eternity for people real fast though with that logic though we've had an influx of asmic emails now which is

cuffing season so with that theory it's like people are dating now and doing the cuffing season so it's like that's why we have more people to talk to I understand the premise of summers's over, time's slowing down, holidays are upon us. It's cold. I think the urgency of relationship is increasing even more than it is but I don't think it's actually happening. Well listen, a dating.com study found that user activity increased by 30% from November to February compared to the rest of the year.

So if cuffing season is the idea that people are a little bit more desperate than they already are, then sure, because that's what I'm hearing. It's not the actual practice of people actually bringing home strangers for Christmas. I think what cuffing season is, is that you just want somebody to cuddle with

in the colder months and to bring home to your family during the holidays. And then not to be in the cold. Work out with Jessica. This is a theory, but in practice, all it really is is more people on the apps and maybe more hookups and more bad decisions. More people at home. Cause they're not, more people at home,

cause it's cold out there, not going out. So it's like you want someone to come to you. More Netflix and chills, more STDs being transmitted, whatever. I'm just saying, I don't think what is actually happening is people are actually getting together for short-term relationships. I wonder if it's like, you know how you say as a parent,

like dads and like moms have to feel the baby's warmth on their chest? Skin is good. What if it's like, I don't know, I'm not a scientist, but. Or a parent. Or a parent. But what if it's like. I feel like someone who's read an article on. a scientist, but- Or a parent. Or a parent. But what if it's like- I feel like someone who's read an article on it.

And I'm just, I'm theoryizing- Science is skin to skin. Theoryizing, you're good. I'm thinking, my brain's thinking. What if it's like, it's colder, and just us as innate beings of animals and monkeys, whatever our distant ancestors are, we just have to be physically next to someone.

Like we have to be- When to someone. Like, we have to be... When we evolved from being a monkey. Well, we are. We are distantly related to monkeys. But... Yes, evolution. But like, what if we need to be near someone for warmth during cold? So it is maybe biological that cuffing season exists. Okay, I see how you got there. Just a theory.

I think less things are happening on the weekend where you're outside at a pool party, you can casually meet somebody and, you know, haveing whereas like now you got to commit because you're not going to be out at the bar every night like you would rather be on a dating app and be like you want to come over and watch a movie and see what happens. I think we want to have a partner during the holiday. Yeah, it makes sense. A holiday. You want to feel loved during the loving days.

What are your thoughts on holidays? Huh? Holidays. So it's like someone that you date just for the holidays because you need to bring someone back for the holiday. So like for Christmas. I think it's a product of cuffing season. I think you have relationship problems if you do that.

I would agree too. I think that's kind of a bit of a- Immature maybe. Or maybe like pressure at home. You can't be alone. That screams can't be alone. I get anxiety bringing people I'm not like super close with when I like to bring them into my family family life

Like my mom was always like, oh bring your friends from college to Thanksgiving and I was just like No, you're happily married in a secure relationship. We're talking about people who are like Emma Roberts wishes They had a relationship anxious to bring someone home and like they're to bring home, essentially strangers, to their family because they just, you know, they wish they had someone. But what if it's like keeping up with the Jones? Everybody's married but you, so you have to bring someone to not be shamed upon. Well, then your family sucks, but.

Yeah. Yeah. So you don't like it. You don't like cuffing season. I think it's made up. I don't, whatever, sure. Cuffing season is the increased demand in people going on dating apps.

Yeah. Agreed. Case closed. Okay. But cuffing season made it, it reads as if like something happens and if all that happens is people are just like, are more desperate.

I think it's a phenomenon. Like it just happens. Cuffing season. I guess we know what it is. It's the name. Cuffing, like, it actually, it implies that things are happening. People are actually getting together. And I feel like that's,

I think it's just more like, you just have more matches on a dating app you're not talking to. I also wonder if like, cuffing season was a lot more prevalent before social media and dating apps and all of that, where it's like, okay, like, now that things

are gonna slow down, people are gonna go home for the holidays, it'd be nice to have you to hang out with versus like now, you can sweat the date. Or if nothing else, the seasons of getting together and it's like, there are a lot of families out there, the few times you get together with mom, dad, siblings is during the holidays and that's when people do bring their significant others

and if you are someone who's been single with a desire to be in a relationship, it can be like an unfriendly reminder that the sibling you kind of get irritated with who's happily like married and in love and you're not. And so like, I think this season shines more of a mirror on people's relationships and themselves and helps them reflect more.

When it's summertime, it's kind of like yellow. You know, like, you know, there's less opportunity. You're hanging with your other single friends and you're not hanging out with your siblings. And you know, I think it's a lot of that. It's more aesthetic to be single during the summer than in the winter. Well, and there's also so much cute stuff

that they do in fall that's like perfect for couples. It's like pumpkin patches. Pumpkin patches. Get a cider and watch the leaves change. Apple picking. We should rename it shame season. Mises. Pumpkin patches. Get a hot cider and watch the leaves change. Apple picking. It's cute. So we should rename it shame season. Shame season.

You know? The shame season. Because that's why the increase is happening because people are just ashamed with themselves for not being in relationships. Or if my theory is right, we're biologically just linking up. Well, your theory would just prove the reason people want companionship and love. Yeah. But why it's higher during the winter. But even think about like if it's over Valentine's Day,

like you've literally covered every holiday that's so much more enjoyable when you're in a couple. And then once you get past Valentine's Day, it's St. Patrick's Day, Fourth of July, party, party, party holiday, but everything leading up to that New Year's Eve, you want to kiss someone at midnight, probably would be better.

You see what I'm saying? Then I'm like, all of a sudden. It's like more fun and convenient to have someone in these months. During that period. Anyways, I think the moral of the story is, if you're someone who's like, hey, it's cuffing season, buyer beware.

This is a friendly reminder that there's a difference between being alone and being lonely. You're not alone. So don't bring home strangers just because you feel lonely. Capitalism. Do you think there's validity to thinking that like

if somebody's reaching out to you in the off months, that they're actually looking for a relationship as opposed to a situationship in the cuffing season months? Again, I don't think, no, I mean, no, I think, that's my point is I think people want relationships and connections and maybe they don't, their subconscious brain makes them reach out a little bit more and like, no, I think that's my point is I think people want relationships and connections and maybe they don't their subconscious brain makes them reach out a little bit more. And like, no, I don't think it's just like, I think it's, you know, for

yourself. Like if, if you're getting excited about cuffing season, maybe slow down. It's October 1st and you were reached out to by someone 17 days late already. Yeah. Question before we get to our callers. Uh, what were people saying about our OnlyFans caller? How was their reaction? I can tell you that a lot of my friends loved it.

A lot of people were listening. And thought that it was a great call. A lot of people think she's lying and that- Lying about what? I knew people, like, do they like fake call her or something? I think there was just so many twists and turns of her story that people were like, this person's just making all these details up.

I didn't feel that way. I didn't, I mean, I was in the room. I didn't think so. I think I think people downplay that some people's lives, unfortunately, are are chaotic. Also, our calls are anonymous. I don't think that that would have been an elaborate. That's true. And I don't know what to talk to me.

It was giving. So it was giving Shonda Rhimes like you. We have some pretty basic callers, too. It's like a free cameo. Like you. We have some pretty basic callers too. It's like a free cameo. You don't even need to say you're an OnlyFans to get on the show. That's our first time. We've had someone do that. Yeah. Anyways, I was curious if people. People are listening for sure. I imagine some people might think it's me.

There is time to get to our callers. Don't forget to send your questions at ask Nick at the file files dot com. Regardless, if you are an OnlyFans only fans or not. We will read your emails and hopefully we'll be able to answer your problems and questions when they arise. Until then I hope you enjoy these next callers. We'll also be back tomorrow with some great episodes. Just so you know Joan Vasos our golden Bachelorette is with us for a really awesome episode of Going Deeper. You will cry. You will be emotional.

And we really went deep with Joan. We really got to know this wonderful lady. And if you are interested in Joan in the Golden Bachelorette, you will definitely not want to miss this episode that much. I promise you. We also, again, just have some great guests lined up. We got Marissa from Love is Blind with us tomorrow. Anyways, let's get to our callers.

Was your time with Nick? Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going? Hi, good Nick. How are you? Good. What's your name? My name is Lily. I'm 28 and I'm calling because I'm wondering if I found my person or if I'm just not ready yet. You're wondering if you found my person or if I'm just not ready yet. You're wondering if you found your person? Mm-hmm.

What do you mean by you're wondering if you found your person but you're not ready yet? Well, so basically I got out of something a little bit serious back in April. I actually proposed to my fiance in the summer of last year, my ex-fiance now, and I- You proposed? Broke up with him in April. You proposed? Yes, I did. Okay, well, I'm just curious. Are you just a strong progressive lady

who wanted to do something new, or you're like, the motherfucker's not gonna ask me, so I might as well. No, I don't, no, honestly, he kept making jokes like, when are you gonna propose to me? And I took him seriously. Eventually, I was like, he's never gonna propose, so I might as well.

So, needless to say, I think I wore the pants in that relationship. Did he say yes? But he did. Yes. Yeah. And then what happened? Yeah, without a doubt. And then we moved in together a week later.

I think there was a little bit of pressure from my family to make something official before moving in with my first partner because I've had serious relationships before, but I do come from my traditional Christian family. And I think that they just really wanted us to get married. They were like, go to the courthouse and get married before you move in.

And we had already signed the lease. And I was like, nope, I will propose to him since he keeps making jokes about it. And yeah, needless to say, he was actually really excited about that because I kind of was the one to make those kinds of decisions with us. And why we broke up?

We broke up because of probably the same similar reason. At the end of the day, I just didn't feel like I could rely on him. And I felt like I was making a lot of the decisions for us. He didn't really step up when I needed him to. And as much as I expressed those things to him, he was always. Gotcha.

Did you break up with him? Yeah. Okay. And then when did you meet the new guy? About a month later, so at the end of May. And we, I broke up with my ex-fiance at the end of April. To be fair, it was months in the making and I was in therapy during that time.

So I think I was checked out for several months before that happened. The breakup was months in the making, not the new guy? Correct. Okay. Correct. Did we know the new guy before? No, he didn't. He was brand new. Met on a dating app. Okay. And so you're thinking he might be the one? I'm thinking he might be the one because he checks a lot of boxes that my ex, Beyonce, did not. Ah, red flag. I mean, he might be the guy, but your logic is flawed. Yeah. Yeah. I can see why, that's why I'm calling you.

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, like my first girlfriend, we dated off and on for seven years. I had a hard time getting over her. Finally met someone, there was a bit of an overlap. You know, like I met her and then broke up with her and then had a new girlfriend the next day. So I guess that's kind of where I'm asking

because I feel like maybe I rushed into it. Even though he's great and checks all these boxes, did I need to give myself more time in order to get through the breakup and be single for a while? Or, or, or, or, or, you could just stop asking yourself or talking with him about the future and you could stop asking yourself whether he's the one

or feeling some sort of pressure from either yourself or him or your family or whoever about whether he is the one. Couldn't he just be someone you're really enjoying today? Knowing that he is someone who has a lot of potential, but we all know how unreliable potential can be. And you need to spend the better. How long are you dating your ex-fiance for? It was about two years in total. About two years, okay. Not terribly long time. Nevertheless, I'm willing to bet you learned things about him in the last six months of your relationship

that you didn't know in the first six months of your relationship. Yeah, absolutely. So, you know, there's that. Where is this pressure coming from? It might be a little bit of myself because I committed to him early August. And maybe that's when I started to think like,

oh my gosh, I already have a boyfriend again. But I think that also stems from the fact that my family told me that they are not over my ex yet. Good for them. So what, is you having a boyfriend and you being like rebellious or something? Well, they might think that. What do you think?

But I've sat down with both of my parents and explained exactly why I left my ex and exactly why I'm pursuing this new person. How does this new person feel about you? I mean, he treats me really well. Okay. Yeah, he does. So he asks you to be his girlfriend?

Yes. How long again? About three months. So now it's been a total of four months that we've been dating and we've been official for about one to two months. Seems like a totally reasonable time one. Yeah, he went with my pace, which I appreciated. Are you guys playing house?

Like, are you? No. That's one thing I don't want to do because I know that I did that with my ex. So what's the big problem? What's the problem? I guess I'm just having, I'm trying to figure out if I'm like self-sabotaging or if I'm actually.

Are you like thinking about breaking up with this guy? Well, maybe we've had some like disconnects and I'm wondering and like every thing that comes up, is that a red flag or is that just me being like, holy shit, I have to commit to someone again and like work through all these things because I've always been the relationship girl. So.

What are the disconnects? The disconnects only happen when there's alcohol involved and he's has a harder time kind of self-regulating his emotions and he's an avoidant person. So he's walked away from me. He's left me on the street. He's told me to leave his house.

He's left my house. And these things only happen when there's alcohol. And then after he takes accountability and says, this is a problem and I need to figure out how to fix this and I don't wanna treat you like that. All right, so your boyfriend has a drinking problem. Just maybe to some extent, like doesn't know. Well, I feel comfortable in saying he has a drinking problem

based off what you're telling me. He's obviously not a professional and I'm not calling him an alcoholic, but he's a problem when he's drinking. So he has a drinking problem, right? Yeah. You know? That's what you're saying.

And that's just kind of alarming behavior. You're not saying one time he got drunk and left me. And I would be like, that's a big red flag, that's kind of an asshole. They're in a short period of time, multiple occasions, where his behavior is drastically different from when he's sober. It's weird, drinking is such a big part of our culture.

We're always so reluctant to say someone has a drinking problem, or if they're an alcoholic. Part of that is because, you're right, we're not professionals, and we shouldn't be diagnosing people. But I think we can all as common sense human beings recognize if someone is a problem when they're drinking and we're so like reluctant to call it out.

Anyway, so yeah, I think that's a big problem. That that's, you know, it hasn't been a good pattern, I guess, but he notices it and acknowledges that he acts different when he's had too much to drink. You know, he's not mean to me. He's not rude. He's just lightly less aware of the way that he's coming across. What do you mean he's not mean to you or rude?

I mean, he doesn't say anything mean. He is still, he just is avoidant. So he just walks away. And to some extent, when I've, you know, He doesn't a little bit more than walk away, he abandons you or kicks you out. Yeah. Exactly. And then he feels really bad about it. And I know that that's just something that I'm like, this can't be a pattern. And I've told him that. What is he willing to do about it? Yeah. So he's, he let me know that it's okay for me to like kind of step in if I feel like we've have had too much to drink. Yeah, exactly.

I said, I don't want to do that, but I just think that I, I said, if you're okay with it, I can help you to know when to cut it off because he doesn't drink a lot. So I think when he does certain type of alcohol that he's drinking? It's shots. Okay, there you go. Exactly. Stop taking shots. Yeah.

One of my best friends, I've told this story before, you know, I've never blacked out. I'm not a big drinker. I certainly, there's a handful of times in my life I've been what I consider very drunk, and I vividly remember everything about those moments. The world spins, I throw up, I get sick, and that's about it.

One of my close friends, his body seems to be, you know, a bottomless tank, but at some point the lights go out, he blacks out, and he becomes a different person. Definitely didn't think he was an alcoholic or anything like that, and it was only when he would binge drink and when we would go out to the bars

and things like that, you know. But obviously it was a problem. And his, not wife, but then girlfriend at the time was just like, you can't act this way. So he stopped taking shots of whiskey and he would go out, he would never have shots. And that pretty much solved the problem, you know, because he just-

That's an easy fix. So if he's not a big drinker, and this only happens when he's ripping shots, like that doesn't mean he's a bad guy. It just means that like alcohol affects him worse than others. And so if he can't, if his body can't control how he responds in alcohol, like I was able to, like I was still, you know, granted I was relatively speaking, still in control, where my friend literally put himself and others in sometimes incredibly dangerous situations that he didn't even realize he was doing, because he was like completely blacked out.

And so he was able to put those boundaries, if you wanna just use the language that we use all the time, and rules in place so that he set boundaries for when he was in control. Your boyfriend seems to be in control when he's not drinking or doing shots. So if he can't do that, if he can't commit to not binge drinking, specifically taking shots, that's a problem. And then that might lead into other problems. If he's serious about his behavior, if you truly recognize his behavior He this is a somewhat easy fix because it doesn't you know

You're not you're not describing someone who's like hey, he kind of drinks every day a little bit And I'm not sure if he's an alcoholic but like well he does I don't know your boyfriend sounds he's pretty reliant on alcohol, but I'm not hearing that from you I'm hearing once in a while. He drinks, but when he does he can get pretty fucked up when he gets fucked up He's kind of weird. Yeah, basically. So from where I stand, it's a manageable problem, but you should be able to see a change relatively quickly. It's a simple ask, it's an easy ask,

and it's an ask that he should be willing to do if he's very serious about being sorry about how he's treated you while he's on alcohol. Yeah, absolutely. I think that's a good point, that it's just something that I need to enforce as my own, you know, my own ask. I want to ask him to do this so that he is better for me and for us so that these, the disconnects don't happen when we aren't drinking.

So how can we make that happen? Um, because when I drink, I drink to have fun. I don't drink to start shit. I just want to have a good time with my friends or Well, I mean my boyfriend. Do you think he drinks to start shit? No, I just think that once he passes a point. Yeah, he has a harder time with triggers or with knowing when to Well, yeah, yeah back to my point It's just that when he binge drinks and he gets a certain level of drunk then his inhibitions Is that what it's called inhib Inhibition, whatever, like get drastically decreased.

And yes, he's far less in control of himself while drinking than you are or others. You are capable of drinking and it doesn't seem to, you can get drunk or at least seemingly, I don't know, maybe your friends would think differently, but you know, there aren't people coming to you being like you're kind of an asshole when you're drunk. Exactly.

You know, like my buddy got tired of hearing there aren't people coming to you being like you're kind of an asshole when you're drunk. Exactly. My buddy got tired of hearing how much he was an asshole while drunk. My buddy got tired of having to apologize to people for when he was drunk. And so it took him a lot longer than it should have, but it was his now wife who he changed for and stop. If I were him, it really isn't for you. It's just like your body doesn't handle alcohol well. Okay, great, so what? Like he shouldn't. No one's saying don't drink, no one's saying don't have a glass of wine at dinner,

no one's saying don't have a couple cocktails out at the bar, no one's saying don't get a little buzzed. But you know, that's why shots are so dangerous because you know, not that you need like a fucking class on how alcohol affects your body, but like it takes more time to drink a beer or wine or even a cocktail and shots, it takes a second, you know? And obviously you're ripping six, you know, three shots in the matter of 15 minutes and then it's like taking too many edibles and then, you know, it's like I don't feel it yet. So let's take one more and then, you know, not even it's later.

You're just like what is wrong with Chad? You know, like same yet. So let's take one more. And then, you know, not even it's later. You're just like, what is wrong with Chad? You know, like same thing. So, yeah, I'm going to stop taking shots. Yeah, I mean, that is that is the easy fix. I think that he's just also way more outgoing. And I didn't have this problem with my ex, which I don't think is the bad thing. My friend was also outgoing. Maybe the difference he was at my friend

who I'm talking to, probably more of a people player than me. I had no problem being like, I don't do shots. And my friend would never turn down a shot because he always wanted to be part of the group. But he needs to get over that. He needs to grow up. Then it's just like, this is a guy

who has a hard time saying no to people, is a hard time disappointing people. Well, a lot of people are like that, but in a committed relationship, you need to get better at that. Because as you get older, you have less friends because you have actually less, you don't have less friends in reality.

You seem like you have less friends because what you actually have is less acquaintances. And then you focus on your people who are actual friends. And then, you know, if you ever were to settle down and have kids with your, you sort of family, and you know, it's like, you need to be with someone you know, can prioritize you and your family and not like have a hard time saying no to strangers,

which a lot of people do. So, you know, this could be a good test for you. Yeah. Early in this relationship. Yeah, absolutely. And well, and I just to add in, I personally don't want kids and luckily he is on the same page as that.

But these times, I think a lot of these times that it is happening, he actually is drinking completely alone and that's when it happens. So it's actually like, it's happened both ways. Okay. I'm hearing two different things from you. I'm hearing he doesn't drink a lot of alcohol and then I'm hearing he drinks alone and anyone who drinks alone. When he watches football, what is it about football? Nothing. I watch football. I don't drink alone. Okay, fair enough.

I don't know, yeah, that's weird. Especially, is he drinking alone? What is he drinking? Yeah, like Sunday football. I mean, have a beer with lunch. And again, if he has four or five beers watching football and gets a little buzz, no problem. But if he's getting fucked up to the point where his behavior drastically changes, problem.

Yeah. Yeah. I think it's worth the conversation like you've suggested. Let me be clear. I don't think I think it's more than worth the conversation. I think you need to come in pretty aggressive in a way. I can do that. You know, it's like I want to talk, but listen, I's it can we we agree that like I really don't appreciate how you

treat me when you're drunk. I'm assuming to say I don't either. There's an easy fix here. I need you need to stop binge drinking and like you should be able to know that you know. One don't take shots you know. Yeah. But I'm guessing he's not taking shots when he's watching football by himself. Most likely that's just a lot of beer. And he turned into that person after a lot of beers? I mean, the one time I'm thinking of it's when I went over to his house after he watched football a day and took a nap and woke up and was ready to go again. And I was like, all right. And we had some sort of argument over that.

When you say ready to go again, what do you mean? You wanted to crack open another beer? Like you're ready to go. Yeah, ready to drink again because to crack open on the radio? You ready to go? Yeah. Ready to drink again. Cause he took a power nap and I was coming over for the rest of the day. So he was. What started the fight? Funny you asked, I don't feel the need to go

through anyone's phone, but his phone was sitting there and I picked it up and I was like, Oh, you sent me this reel on Instagram. And he had actually sent it to like 40 other people. And when I looked at who he sent it to, he had sent it to like Tinder girls that he had met right before me and so I thought that that might be an issue because I just kind of gave him some shit for it and just sat there and was like why are you sending a reel that you sent to me to women that you met on Tinder whether you met them

in person or not why are you are you even reaching out to them? What was the real? And he felt defensive. It was actually like a self-help podcast. It was something that was like, I just thought they could hear something that would help them. I'm like, well, who are you to tell everybody how they should be dealing with life right now?

Because that's not your girlfriend, and that's not your girlfriend, but I am. So that was just a weird... I agree with you in principle, but you were definitely wrong. Oh, absolutely. Because it's, you know, I could see a world, like he shouldn't, should he have done that? No, you had the right to be upset,

but like I could see a world where he just was like, ah, you know, I don't think he's doing, doesn't mean he's doing anything wrong. No, and I didn't think so either. I think I just gave him some shit for it. and he got a bit offended that I gave him shit for it and that's when he told me to leave. So it's just like things like that where as soon as I, you know, if I push him a little too far, whether that's me like kind of messing around with him, then before you know it,

he's like, okay, can't be around you anymore. Is this always alcohol related? Always. It has never happened when he's been sober So if your confidence level is a ten that if you went through his phone and ask him those same questions while he was sober He would have been you want to handle it much differently. I actually think so. Yeah Yeah, chill out on the expectations you have for yourself when it comes to like what you want to do. I just have a curiosity, why don't you want to have kids? I only ask because more and more people we talk to like don't, and I'm just like wondering why like

half of the 20 year old somethings I'm talking to these days don't want to have kids. I think for the most part, what I've realized is I don't ever want to have to give up my freedom. Okay, that's fair. I grew up sheltered and I just always wanted to have my own freedom. So I don't picture that necessarily is like, once you have kids, your life is over. I think that that's when a lot of people's lives start.

But just personally, I have never, I've never, I've been like that since I was a teenager, so I've not really. Be open to the possibility of having a lot of different lives. I have. That has nothing to do with kids, but just in general. And don't let your life as a teenager dictate the rest of your life, whether that includes kids or not.

And yeah, be open to new ideas dripping into your life. Anyway, but regardless, but also if you want freedom, if independence and freedom is something that you feel like you haven't had and that you're pining for, maybe, but subsequently you've also been a relationship girlie most of your life, you haven't been all that independent ever. When was the last time you were single? Well, besides the month that I was single, it would have been probably six months from the last relationship to the one before that.

Sometimes it's a year and none of them have been super long-term. So I think part of me is trying to find my person and just be ready. But the other part of me is like, well, I'm not on a biological time clock. I don't need to settle down in order to have kids. So I've always just let myself be a little bit picky

and have the freedom to decide who I want to spend my time with and who I don't want to. Do you think you're that picky? Well, I think I've gotten more picky if you look at my track record. I would imagine so, most of us do. I'm not saying you are or aren't, I'm just thinking out loud.

Cause like we'll talk to people who will call in and be like, I can't get a boyfriend. And like you, they seem like wonderful looking people or it's just like, I'm, if you really wanted a boyfriend, you could get a boyfriend. And then here you are, kind of like, I've only been, I'm 28 years old, and if you add up all the times I've been single in my 20s,

it's maybe a year and a half out of the seven years I've been 20. And it's just like, well, I honestly agree with your way more than other people's way. I think as a society, we we become so non-committal and dating apps have made it seem like there's all these options that no one's actually just getting into a relationship and just trying it out

and getting to know people and then breaking up when it doesn't work out like you have. I honestly think that's a better approach because at least you're trying with people. But listen, you're giving off a hint of uncertainty about whether you should be in a relationship period. And I think you should listen to yourself

because it seems to be coming out in ways. But that being said, use this opportunity to, again, like no one's perfect, he's not perfect. You've been dating this guy for four months now, you're starting to see some flaws, not the end of the world, you know, and it seems to be isolated to drinking. But yeah, so you got to, you just have to address it head on and you got to see if he's willing to make some immediate changes because

he's, he should be able to, right? As far as the watching football is like, listen, man, I don't know. I'm not, I don't want to be your mom. I don't want to have to watch football with you just to make sure, but like, do you not think you're capable of knowing your limits and stop drinking so that you don't turn in this person? Because like, we just have to figure that out. Yeah, we've had that conversation once to some extent, some of that. What does that mean, some extent? With me basically confronting him saying, I want you to know your limits because when I drink,

I do know mine and I don't want you to make a fool of yourself or treat me poorly because you didn't know your limits. And this was a sober conversation, of course, because I knew that that needed to happen sober and so he took it very well and took accountability. So I see the second conversation just kind of me re-expressing this and I'm like, I know what I need to say instead of like this just coming up because we just had a fight last night. Yeah, before you were just like, hey, this is a problem.

I'd like you to figure out how to make some changes. And he was like, cool, yes, but it never went past, how he was going to make those changes and how you would, how if at all, you could hold him accountable. And then as many people before him, he just like, he agreed with you but didn't make any changes.

And then, you know, so it's still a problem. The next conversation is like, what are you gonna do about it? You know, this isn't a process. I don't think you need to go to like some sort of therapy or like AA meeting. So what I need you to do is not get this drunk. And if it's that hard for you,

then maybe you do have a problem. It's that simple. I don't think it's, you're not calling him the world's greatest drunk, but if you can't, on your own, control how drunk you get to the point where it changes your behavior, you have a problem. It's that simple.

Yeah, it's a very simple answer. And for him, it sounds like the solution is simple because I'm giving him the benefit out, he's not addicted to drinking. Yeah, I think it's just the fact that when my friends, we, that's a lot of what we do besides, you know, when we go out, we're going out to hang out, we're going out to drink.

And none of my friends get to that point, so. Yeah, I mean, but that's, yeah, but it's not that hard. It's just like, I know I can't have more than five drinks in a night. You know, maybe that's it. I don't, I don't, that's not me, but I'm just saying, but he's not trying. He's not trying. It's not that hard. Yeah. And maybe I'm the first person that's brought it up like that. I have no idea if he's had this conversation before or if anyone has even confronted him about it. His friends that I've met love to drink. So I've seen them also go overboard a little bit.

So maybe that's just what he's been surrounded by and nobody's really sat him down and been like, hey, this is not really normal to change your behavior when you're drinking. I mean, what's the harshest thing you said to him about your drinking? Have you been like, you're an asshole when you drink or? No, I just said, I don't like the way you treat me

when you're drinking and that you're pushing me away. If you tell me to leave, I just said I don't like the way you treat me when you're drinking and that you're pushing me away. If you tell me to leave, I won't face you. And that's kind of been my mentality. It's like I chased you the first time and I drove around. And then the next time I kind of pushed a little bit. And then the next time I was like, nope, okay, I'm leaving. There's no reason to sit here. And I think that each time he saw it as a loss for himself, and that's kind of hit him with each time it's happened, he's realized more like, shit, I did that again, and I don't want to do that. And he acknowledges it after the fact.

When was the last time he did this? Probably a couple of weeks ago at this point, maybe like three weeks ago. How have things been since? Things have been good since. I mean, like I said, it's not really an issue. I think that he's a passionate person and I'm a passionate person.

And that's what I've wanted someone that kind of could meet me in the middle with like how much we care about things. But I didn't realize that there was a downside to that as well, which there is with me too. I also get a little bit too passionate. And when I am drinking, it's the same thing. But I'm not pushing anyone away.

I'm actually like, hey, let's talk about this because this is actually interesting or important to me. So I think it's just different levels. What, you get drunk and talk politics? No, hell no. I don't talk politics ever. Yeah, I mean, listen, when you called in, what was the one thing you were hoping to get help with?

I think it's just like, am I nitpicking or am I, do I just sit back and enjoy the ride? No, no, just like in general on like, am I trying to, I guess, yeah, maybe am I trying to find something wrong or am I like, I do put expectations. I do put these high hopes on things, but I also am trying to like stop the overthinking and just stop being so anxious about where this is going to go. And I do just want to stop the overthinking and just stop being so anxious about where this is going to go. And I do just want to enjoy the ride.

So this is where I'm trying to go. So that's good self-awareness. Yeah. His drinking sounds like a problem. That's not nitpicking. And again, I think there's a difference between getting to know someone and believing what they say and believing their actions is a way to understand who they are and their character and not what they said they were,

not who they said they were in the first couple of weeks of dating and just believe what you see and hear versus setting unreasonable expectations with yourself or each other and timelines about the future and plans. And when people date early on and get excited, they they do that and then you know then it kind of and there's a difference between the two so yeah you know you going through his phone you know that looks like you're looking for a problem but again there is a problem

right and so that's maybe where you have to like just focus on the actual problem address the actual problem it's almost as if like, maybe because drinking is such a sensitive topic, type of thing, where it's just like, well, it's a lot easier to be like, why did you send this to this girl? It's a lot easier to calm out about how they interact with other women or whatever.

And so maybe that action is you self-sabotaging or trying to poke holes in our otherwise decent relationship. But instead of doing that, just address the problems. Yeah, I can do that. I can focus less on making something come up and focus more on what's actually happening in front of me. But take the pressure off. You don't owe this guy or this relationship anything.

Okay. And don't over promise. And if he checks in with, how are we? I was like, well, we're still gonna know each other. It's like people have this thing where it's just like once you ask to your boyfriend and girlfriend, it's just like, once you ask to be boyfriend and girlfriend, it's just like you can't acknowledge

that you still have a lot to learn. Boyfriend and girlfriend is just like an actual relationship status that's not like, well, we're committed but not boyfriend and girlfriend. It's just like, that's actual, that's a security that you have. Because boyfriend and girlfriend means that you can not only like assume that they are

Faithful, but you could technically call them a cheater if they weren't I know it wants to be labeled as a cheater So was this helpful? Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, I think it's just something I have been like I said overthinking and trying to figure out how to go about it Is it my place to say this? Is it not my place? Like how much am I supposed to put on myself? And where am I allowed to step in? And I feel like I've gotten a lot of clarity on that. Yeah, there's a difference between problems showing up at your doorstep

and going out and looking for them. The drinking is something that's showing up at your front door. You're not looking for it. You were not even expecting it. You going through his phone is you looking for a problem. And I've never met someone who's gone through someone's phone and haven't found something to be mad at,

whether they were meant, you know what I'm saying? And this would be a perfect example. It's just like, kind of weird that he did that, but like, there's nothing, you know, he didn't send anything inappropriate. He didn't continue the conversation. There was no other evidence that there was a, it was just like, he felt inspired and felt like inspiring other people and you were you

know it's still relatively new in your relationship so it's like he still feels like he can be friends with the opposite sex and it's not that weird and he's not doing anything wrong so why couldn't he do this but yet here you are going through his phone and being like why the fuck did you do this and I would I wouldn't you know if I saw that too I'd be like, why'd you do that? But you're looking for the problem. Yeah, exactly. I like focus on what's at your door

rather than what's down the street and not even worry. Yeah, you're not gonna show up to his work and shadow him for the day to see how he behaves himself. No. That'd be super, that's like going through someone's phone. You're looking for problems. But if he were to introduce you to a coworker and invite you to a work event or something

and you showed up and then he acted a certain way, then you could address a problem. Yeah, I like that mentality. So chill out overall in general. Enjoy this new relationship. You owe it nothing, you owe him nothing. Just get to know him and at any point you can break up. And even if you break up with him,

you can still tell mom and dad and the rest of the family that doesn't mean they're right about the ex, you know? Yeah, thanks for throwing that in there. I appreciate that. They still love you. They want what's best for you. You just have to get good at ignoring them. And when they open their mouths,

be like, you didn't have to date him. And no one's denying he might make a great son-in-law, but I didn't wanna marry that person. So thank you for coming to my TED Talk. Yeah, exactly. Parents will care as much as you allow them. I care, yeah. You gotta push back, push back.

They know that you care how much they care. Just repeat after me. My parents love me unconditionally. You want your parents to like you unconditionally and that is a job for your dog. I'm being serious though. That's true. That's true. But seriously, love,

unconditional love is different than unconditional like. And I honestly, it took me getting a dog to learn that because my mom loves me. Unconditionally, I don't have a question in my heart about that. Sometimes she thinks I'm an asshole. You know what I'm saying? And that's OK. Sometimes I can rub her the wrong way. Sometimes, you know, I can annoy her or anyone else. Like, you know, I'm not a perfect person.

And my mom has the right to get upset with me and be mad at me and be disappointed with me and I never question her love for me and you want your parents to unconditionally like you and like your decisions and agree with you and like that's just a little silly get over that they love you and even when they're upset with you and disappoint you they still love you and that's all you need it's all that matters so remind yourself I don't need my parents to unconditionally like me. I can do that. Okay. That'll be my new mantra. Yeah. You should say this on one time. That'd be great. I love that. I don't need you to, I got my dog for that. It'd be great. No,

that's perfect. I'll give it a try. All right. Was this helpful? Yeah, absolutely. All right. Yeah. Well, keep us posted. I posted. I would love an update about this relationship status, one way or the other. Either did we resolve the drinking issue? Did we decide to break up and just be an independent queen for a while? 50-50, you know, who knows? I mean, listen, also just remember, yeah,

like it's good that you acknowledge, you like a lot about him that your boyfriend didn't have. And there are more than two people in this world than your ex and this guy, so just remember that. But, you know, it is a reminder that you were right in leaving him, right? Because clearly this new boyfriend is presenting things you thought you desired and wish you had,

and he reaffirmed the fact that it is qualities that you really want in a relationship and you enjoy having. Absolutely. This still doesn't mean he's your guy. And that you have to figure out these other aspects of him that allow, can he be a good partner longterm to you? Yeah, I think that's my main goal

and this is figuring that out. I don't wanna waste anyone's time, but I do wanna be a little bit softer as well and make sure I give people the time of day to prove their best side along with their worst. Well, you can be soft, but when it comes to this problem, this problem is an opportunity to see how he responds to a challenge.

And I think you can be pretty firm with your expectations about how he treats you drinking. And if he wants your help, your help can be like, well, listen, just don't get that drunk. And if he's like, well, it's not that simple. Well, then if it's not that simple, then maybe we should look into maybe why it's not that simple. But like, stop doing shots, maybe stop drinking cocktails. Maybe if you're going to watch

football at home by yourself, maybe let's not have more than five beers, you know, or six beers. Like how many beers are you having? It's a lot of fucking beer. I can't even get drunk off a beer unless I'm slamming fucking beers. I don't remember the last time I got buzzed off a beer. It's like, fuck, man. So there are some obvious questions you can ask without being his mom. Yeah. All right, trust your gut. More than anything, I think you have good instincts. You just have to get good at confidently following them.

Yeah, I can agree with that. Okay, all right, good luck. Keep us posted. All right, thank you, I will. All right, bye-bye. Bye. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. BetterHelp is an online counseling platform

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I'm 33 and my ex won't stop reaching out to me. Okay. How long you been broken up from your ex? It's been a full year actually. Okay. And I'm assuming you've asked them to stop? Yeah. So we actually were trying to still be friendly the first few months that we had broken up,

but it was just too hard and a lot of weird conversations kind of went down. So in the new year, we decided no contact was going to be the best option if we ever wanted to just kind of move forward, you know, and eventually perhaps in the future, try and be friends. But then just basically every month, But then just basically every month something would pop up and it's just been now quite a while. And there was an incident over the last weekend where I actually saw him at a mutual friend's birthday. And so the friend he was with just reached out that same night asking that I have a conversation with him. And as recently as last night, I actually received an email from my ex. Okay what did the email say? So when we broke up he kind of started being a

little distant and cold and shut down and at first I was thinking oh maybe maybe you know he's traveling a lot for work he's super stressed out maybe I'm traveling you know to visit my friends and family too much and we just need to reconnect but it got to the point where I had to finally say something like, Hey, are we okay? Because he was just so shut down and distant. Why'd you guys break up? That's the thing. So there was this guy that he was hanging out with, it was apparently just a friend. And I had learned after the breakup shortly after that they had been kind

of hooking up. And he reassured me that he had never cheated on me. And that wasn't the reason of the breakup. But basically, all this time later, he still thinks that I'm upset over the fact that he started hanging out with this new guy right away. And that was kind of the body of the email. Most of it was about how that wasn't the case. You know, the reason really wasn't clear. Like, I think he was interested in this other guy. So he cut things off with me super quickly in order that he could say he wasn't clear. I think he was interested in this other guy, so he cut things off with me super quickly

in order that he could say he wasn't technically cheating. But he thinks that that's the reason why I was kind of upset and wanted to do the no contact thing. But for me, it was more of like the way he handled the breakup, the months of being distant and cold. And I know that you said in the past, how you leave a job matters, how you end a relationship matters. So for me, that was kind of what was more hurtful.

Like, yeah, you know, we're adults. If you want to move on to somebody new, then fill your boots. So it's just kind of funny that now he still thinks after all this time that I'm upset at the fact that he started kind of seeing somebody new pretty quickly afterwards. And he's still to this day, you know, as of recently as this email trying to clear his name of that. So to be clear, he ended the relationship, right? Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. So.

And how did you feel about that at first? I thought this was something we could work on. And I said during that conversation as well, like, Hey, you know, I always come from a place of working through things, you know, relationships have ups and downs, but you kind of seem like you're done. And he looked me in the eye and said, yeah, I'm done.

I said, I'm not gonna sit here and beg for someone to be with me, so I'm gonna go. And we actually hadn't seen each other in person for a full year until last weekend. So I kind of had like a weird reaction when I saw him at the friend's birthday party, like just a wave of anxiety kind of flooded over me. My hands were vibrating.

I felt like I was gonna vomit. So I didn't really say anything to anybody. I just grabbed my stuff and walked out quietly. People asked me like, hey, where'd you go? I was just like, oh, I had a work thing come up. I'll see you guys later. So I think I was hoping that he didn't see me, but obviously he did because he's been reaching out

through his friend on Saturday night and then through his email last night. And how many times has he reached out between now and then? So since the breakup. It's been like an ongoing thing. Yeah, since the breakup. So we decided no contact in January, like early January after New Year's.

There was like a weird thing that probably all listeners to your show should know. If you're in a group chat on Instagram, even if you you have that person blocked they can still send you messages on Instagram if you're in a group chat So a weird thing kind of happened in February We're good to know Communicating back and forth through this group chat on Instagram and then I said, okay enough's enough You're the admin of this group chat. You have to remove me because this isn't healthy for either of us So that was February. My birthday was in June.

I went away for the weekend with two of my close friends and when I came back, my security guard downstairs was like, hey, somebody just dropped this off for you. And it was a birthday gift and a card with no name. I was like, Oh God, what the hell is this? I opened it up, whatever, obviously knew it was from him. So I was like, do I just ignore it? Do I say thank you? The only way that he had basically been able to contact me up until then was through LinkedIn. He actually sent me a LinkedIn message like a few weeks before that I had ignored, just trying to check in, but I didn't reply. So I went to LinkedIn, I just said, hey, thanks for the gift. You really shouldn't have hope you're well.

And then that kind of opened up a whole can of worms. He was saying like, hey, let's get coffee, let's catch up. I was just like, no, you know, I'm not ready for us to, you know, have that friendship or that friendly relationship yet, it's too soon. You know, maybe in the future. And then he says to me, no, I'm not asking you to be your friend, I just want to meet up with you because it's killing me not knowing what's going on in

your life. And I know that I'm the one that did this, but I want to see you. And I just said, hey, respect that. Thank you for being honest, but I'm just not ready. So he says to me, okay, I get it. No worries. I'm going to leave you alone. And not a week later goes by, he sends me a video.

He's at a concert of Ben Platt, who we loved watching, you know, his music and his career grow together and would send songs and stuff back and forth when we were together. Sends me a video of him at a Ben Platt concert. So I just said, absolutely not. I didn't reply to it at all. And I just blocked him from LinkedIn. So that was June. Then in August, he wrote me on Facebook Messenger through a message request. So I didn't

see it right away because it was in that weird other folder. And he says, Hey, is this blocking thing working for you? Because it's not working for me. And so I again, didn't open it didn't reply. Two days later, I get another message saying, Okay, I take the hint, I'm going to leave you alone now. I promise that was in August. And then September rolls around, it was our kind of like the one year since we had broken up, I'm thinking, okay, you know, whatever, I'm moving on. And then ran into him at the birthday party last weekend. Okay.

Thank you for all that context. How did you feel when you broke up? Like, were you heartbroken? Were you like, eh, you know, he did this, but honestly, maybe we're not a good match. Like, just how was your heart following the breakup? It was honestly shattered. Like this was, yeah, for me, it was end game.

Like I was putting everything I could into this relationship to have a life with someone, to grow old together, to just share an amazing life. Like you had a really great relationship. And so for the ending to be so kind of blunt and really without any real cause, like he really couldn't even give me a real reason. He just said he had to find himself. He's lost, you know, sure. Yeah. Yeah. All the bullshit. Yeah, exactly. So, um, and when I said to him, like, you know, I, I always

come from a place of trying to work through the hard times, but it seems like you're just done and he couldn't even look me in the eye. We were sitting at his dining room table. He still had his laptop open. Like he was staring at his laptop. So I was just like, I just felt so disrespected. And for, you know, the three years that we were together, I was just like, this is, this is crazy. This is how it's ending. So yeah, I was shattered for a while. It took me, you know, I went through the angry phase and then I went through the sad phase and I kind of went through just like trying to rebuild myself. So I feel like I'm finally at a point now where I'm, I'm

through the trees and I'm on the other side of it. But just with this kind of like visceral reaction that I had last weekend from seeing him in person, and now, like these intense messages and emails coming through, I'm just at a point where do I keep ignoring it and doing the no contact thing so he gets the point that I'm not interested, or do I craft a reply or a meetup to just be like, hey, like stop. Okay.

Well, I definitely don't think you should meet up with him, that's for sure. In terms of, so up in this point, you kind of described the fact that you knew yourself and you kind of described that the fact that you you know You knew yourself and you kind of trusted your body and your instincts knowing that you weren't ready to be his friend Which I commend but my question to you is is there still a part of you that has always hoped that you would get back together It's like you've known enough not to take the crumbs But have you been still hopeful that he would show up and say, I'm so sorry. What the fuck was I doing? Would you take me back?

Let's get married. I want to be, I want to spend the rest of your, my life with you. Have you been holding out for that a little bit or no? Have you just, have you moved on regardless of, of that? Yeah, I always kind of knew that that would be a potential possibility because we did take a break early on in the relationship. The first year we took about four months off where all that kind of was said.

And when we got back together was great for another few more years. So I think this kind of being the second time around where he was the one both times who initiated the breakup that I've kind of like, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me, and if I were to go back a third time, I'd be absolutely insane.

Yeah. All right. Couple things here too. There's like, in my head, how I'm hearing you, there's like two different boxes of topics. There's the immediate question, which is how do you handle

him re-emailing and reaching out? So like I said, in my opinion, I don't think you should, you shouldn't meet him in person. To me, this is all about him still having access to you that he wants because he still in some way, shape or form still feels like he has some sort of control or power over, you know, between the two of you, which is common for people who end relationships

and then the conversations, find those relationships, talk about the possibility of future and still being friends and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know, the conversation of, well, maybe we can still be friends, regardless of how you've handled it since then, because obviously your energy hasn't been like, let's be friends. But the fact that you presented it as an option, he's really, he took that to heart. I'm not saying it's a conscious thing or he knows he's manipulating you or he's doing this on purpose, but there's clearly a confidence level he has and power he feels like he invokes in this relationship by his behavior, right? And it seems like you've stopped short of saying, please don't ever reach out to me.

I really just want to move on. Don't make to me. I really just wanna move on. Don't make this weird. I've moved on and I wish you all the best, but please don't reach out to me. And you haven't fully done that, right? Yeah. Okay. And so my guess he's taken the blocking

is some kind of almost game in a way, where it's just like, it's almost like he's been flattered by you blocking him. Which makes sense, you know, even if he listens to this podcast, he'd be flattered because I always tell people don't block people to play games, block people because, you know, you need to like distance yourself and like you need to move on. So he sees you blocking him as like not like him being inappropriate or being weird, or you not even liking him. He just sees it as he has a hard time seeing me and hearing from me. And honestly, that kind of, he gets off on that, right?

Which doesn't make him a monster, it's just like he has an ego like all of us. Like a lot of people who don't wanna be with someone, but don't want them to get over them, you know? Type of thing. And we all like options. So like, you know, from what you told me, it sure seems like he broke up with you,

because whether he was doing something with this guy or not, he wanted to play the field, he wanted to have some fun, he wanted to live the single life, he wasn't ready to commit and settle down, and he was hoping to have some freedom and have his cake in it too, and then if he wanted to maybe settle down, come back and see you.

And if you want to feel good about it, to a certain extent, which is a little bit dangerous, in some ways, you might be end game from him. He's just not ready to be end game right now. Right. I'm not saying that to give you false hope. So as far as your immediate question, what you should do, it seems like some communication is needed because of what I just said, because he kind of thinks this is a game where you could just say, you could reply the email. I would keep it real short and then say, hey, I appreciate the message, but I just don't want you in my life.

And I've really moved on from us, period. I forgot how I say it in my book, but I talk a little bit about friends, being friends after relationships. And I hope this helps you. Because when he broke up with you, he wanted immediately after, you know, while your heart shattered and you're having conversations about being friends, he wants to be friends

because again, he wants to maintain that access to you and you want to remain friends because you want to hold onto the hope that eventually he'll come around. But neither of you actually were interested in being platonic friends. And nor should you, because regardless of the fact that you didn't end up with this guy, I'm assuming like most people in relationships, you wanna leave this relationship with at least some positive and fond memories, you know? You spent three years with this guy,

you had some great times, you wanna move on with your life, eventually meet someone else, and still be grateful for that time that you had, right? And to do that, you have to respect the fact that he wasn't just your friend, this was a special person, this was someone that you loved and you cared for, you cared about. And to just be friends would be disrespectful

to the memory of that relationship. That's how I feel about it, right? Like, you're not supposed to be friends, you're not supposed to be friends. You're not meant to be friends. To be just friends, if you could just go from a serious relationship to just friends, then you were never in that serious of a relationship. Your reaction to him at this party made sense,

because you loved him, you cared about him, and you never really fully processed, it sounds like in my mind, you haven't fully moved on from him, and that's why you had the reaction that you did. And so that's kind of second part of what I wanna talk to you about is, I think you still need to acknowledge that,

and then if you want to, if you decide, and it seems like you do, I think you start, you need to actually get over this guy and get over this relationship, and you need to decide for yourself that it's time to move on. For sure, yeah. So yeah, I mean, I think in a way,

emailing him back could almost be like that kind of ceremony for you to just actually say it and stand by it and say, you know, and be respectful, no animosity, and you can even acknowledge to him. Like, you know, take your ego out of it. You could, you know, I wouldn't have a problem of you when you write this email acknowledging to him,

listen, it was hard to see you. I care about you. I've always cared about you. I never, you know, you were this person for me. You were, right? But I've realized that you're not anymore. We want different things. I didn't appreciate, you know, how things ended

if I'm being totally honest. And I've just moved on. But like it was hard to see you because I realized I haven't processed these emotions. I know we have mutual friends. Obviously I'm not asking you to do, you know, stop being friends. I'm just asking you to respect me and my boundaries.

And if you ever cared about me, please just stop sending me this stuff. I'm not blocking you to play games. I'm blocking you to move on with my life. And the fact that you don't, you know, that you still reach out to me just like is disrespectful. And I want you to care about me as the person that you don't, you know, that you still reach out to me just like is disrespectful. And I want you to care about me as the person that you know, you once loved in some version of that.

So you just, you got to be short, stern and direct and you can be vulnerable. There's nothing wrong with admitting that you cared about him and he broke your heart, you know, like there's no ego in it. And honestly, I think that will help you move on because I think you've tried to almost, you know, like when people break up with us,

we wanna act like we're fine and we don't wanna give them the benefit of the doubt that they hurt us and blah, blah, blah. Like that's all ego, you know? He should know how he made you feel. If you want him to know, but just be careful about him using that to kind of get back, you know,

oh, I'm so sorry and blah, blah, blah, you know. Because you're not fully over it, there's still things that in your mind he could say to make you feel better and that's dangerous territory. Yeah. Yeah. You know, um, so is this, has this been helpful? Yeah, no, this is honestly exactly kind of what I was, I was hoping to get out of, um, our chat today, just because I think when anything would pop up over the course of the last year, it would just bring on a lot of anxiety and instead of like, you know, so I like it when you put it like crafted something like this to kind of put more of a boundary or to see where I'm coming from. I've just more of more or less kind of avoided it. And I think like

energetically it's kind of all coming to a head and I think this whole situation It's like now is the time to maybe open that hatch one more time. Just to say like, you know enough's enough You know, we're both moving on. Let's Just part ways. Don't don't speak for him because you don't know, you know, I think he's doing some game playing I don't know what's going on in his life. He might be confused and Him email like, you know, it's obviously toxic behavior that he's been portraying over the past year, you know?

Just be careful speaking for him because speaking, saying, you know, when you write that email, make sure there's no we and us in that email. Okay. It's me, it's you, you're two separate, you're no longer connected, you're not friends, you're not boyfriend, you know, you're two separate, you're no longer connected, you're not friends, you're not boyfriend, you're not in each other's life.

So don't use that kind of subconscious language of like, we had something good or us, I don't want him to think, it's like, I feel this way, you did this, I want this, you should do that, it should be that stuff. And just express how you wanna feel and what you want and then state your expectations of him, of how we should go forward as it relates to you

because of the boundaries you're gonna communicate in an email. Is this absolutely what you wanna do? But keep it pretty short. And if you want to express a feeling, express it because you wanna get it out, not because you expect a certain type of response, because the best response from him is no response at all.

He should not respond to this email. He should just move on. Yeah, for sure. And I think that's what happens and why I just ignore most of them, because I find when I do reply, it ends up opening a bigger can of worms where he kind of, like you said, realizes this is a way that he can access me and then kind of runs runs with it until I end up locking him on LinkedIn or Facebook Messenger, WhatsApp, Instagram, his friend's Instagram, like whatever the venue he's used over the past 12 months. So I worry about opening up

that can of worms. But I think, like I said, it's kind of all come to a head where that next level conversation kind of has to happen. You just gotta have that, that's on your part, that's willpower on your end. You could write in that email, please don't respond to this, this is my last message to you. I won't reply to any further messages, but I did want to acknowledge your message. This isn't coming from a malicious place, but I really just want to move forward

and move past this because I'm just all about going forward with my life, not going backwards. As far as mutual friends that you have, give them the benefit of the doubt that up until this point, you and him, maybe at different times, express the possibility that you guys could remain friends and there might be a future.

So, update your mutual friends on your new expectations on where you stand. Listen, this other mutual friend that talked to you, it's just like, it's nothing against him, I just wanna move on. I never really process it. I kind of always hold it held under the hope, I really wanna be done with this relationship.

And honestly, him reaching out, whether it's directly or indirectly through you, it just kind of, it fucks with me. I don't want to do it anymore. I really don't want to be with him. I don't want to get back together. You be friends with them all you want, but like I just, I'm very confident

with how I feel about that. So like, please don't allow yourself to be, play middle man between us anymore. You's kind of some version of that. But at this point your friends might not know, they're playing middle man because they just think you guys are being dramatic because it's just like, oh they talked about being friends, and are they friends, are they not friends?

So just be kind of be clear with your expectations with everyone. And just don't get it. Don't get into the drama. Because yeah, he absolutely, even if you ask him not to respond, he's going to respond. He is very used to not respecting your boundaries and getting away with it. And he kind of sees it as fun drama and not actually

disrespecting your boundary. All right. Yep. That makes sense. All right. Yeah, no, this was super helpful, thank you. All right, man, well good luck. Keep us posted.

I'd love to know how he handles this. But, you know, other than that, my only advice to you is just like, police your thoughts as I always say. I think you could do yourself good by in the next month when he pops in your head, just remind yourself that you're moving on, you've moved on, you really, there's no future there. Yeah, for sure. And honestly, and not to contradict myself,

but like that's just helping you get over him. Things can change fast. Two years could go by, all of a sudden you guys cross paths and maybe he is a different person and maybe you guys revisit a relationship, but like right now you're still mentally still in that relationship that ended. And you need to mentally move on so that even if there's a future for you guys

There needs to be some kind of like clean break and gap and there needs to be a reconnecting and there's this isn't reconnecting This is just a continuation of the drama that never really stopped. Yeah, exactly Cool. Awesome. All right, buddy, I appreciate the call. Yeah, thanks so much. All right, take care. All right, take care. Bye-bye. Bye.

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see dkng.co.c.o. 168 hours after issuance for additional terms and responsible gambling resources. See dkng.co. slash bball. How's it going? Hi, my name is Tara. I'm 27 years old and the guy I'm dating doesn't take care of himself. Okay. How long have you been dating for? I've only been seeing him for about two months. And what is our relationship status? Good question. We haven't quite defined it yet but we have had a conversation that he's not on the

apps and we're not sleeping with other people but boyfriend and girlfriend haven't really been said and I'm okay with that as of right now. And what do you mean by he doesn't take care of himself? I guess I'll start from the beginning. We met on a dating app and our first date was great. We talked the entire night, had really good chemistry, really good banter. That first month, obsessed is a strong word, but I felt really hard and fast and so I had high hopes for this guy. And then probably the last month, I kind of came back down to earth and started noticing little, I guess,

lifestyle incompatibilities, if you want to call them, for starters. So he has a really great job and he's really good at it and puts a lot of effort into it. So that was a turn on from the beginning. But this job makes him busy. And as a result, he I don't want to give it away per se, but he works with a lot of kind of high status people. It's a stressful role. And he makes good money. A financial planner, like a lawyer, like,

Yeah, kind of in that realm. But because he's working with a lot of international clients, sometimes he doesn't start the work day until like 10 a.m., 12 p.m. I'm waking up at 8 a.m. texting him, it's do not disturb until 11 a.m. This man sleeps until the last second. He doesn't get up, isn't productive, doesn't go to the gym. When no exaggeration, when I say probably eats fast food five to seven days a week. Doesn't cook at home, doesn't even think I know how to cook at home,

doesn't have the supplies at home. How old is he? So that's the thing. He's 25 and it is the first time that I've ever dated down. And it's not that much younger but I'm 27 but no offense I feel like men mature a lot lower than women. None taken. Also like it's even worse these days so I think you know when I was 25, Jesus Christ, a long time ago I think expectations of men were different than they are now, unfortunately. 25 sounds pretty young for this type of job. That's interesting.

Yeah, I know. He's only been doing it a year. I think what he was in previously. Is he really smart? Or did he go to a big school? Or did he just fall into this? How did he get this type of job where he's dealing with international wealthy people?

That's a great question and one that I never really have asked him because he kind of came from doing something totally different So that'd probably be good to learn about him, but he was admirable What do you mean by admirable? Just like attractive. It was cool. He's so young and he's doing something You know, that's really it's not an easy thing to get into. So what have you said to him, if anything, about his habits? It was funny, we were on a date the other day talking about celebrity crushes,

and I showed him my guy, and he was like, "'Oh, that makes sense, you like the meatheads.'" And mind you, the guy I'm seeing, he's like six-three facial hair, great face card. There's just not, he's a skinny dude, and obviously I'm seeing, he's like six, three, facial hair, great face card. There's just not, he's a skinny dude. And like, obviously I'm attracted to him or I wouldn't be dating him. But I'm like, you could be a 10 out of 10

if you just hit a bicep curl once in a while. Well, so you see his potential. I mean, so the question, he's only 25. So, I mean, he wouldn't be the only 25 year old who's just like, you know, has bad eating habits. Like I've always been a pretty healthy guy. I've always certainly been active. I played sports in high school.

I ran track in college, so running was used, I was used to it. When I was around 24, 25, I had this accounting job and are you familiar with Culivers? Yeah, ice cream. Yeah, I ate Culivers for lunch every day for a month. Damn. And then I'll never forget, because I've always been a healthy person,

you do your blood work, you're really healthy. And I worked at a company that was just me and a bunch of old people. So they brought in health specialists to take your cholesterol, and it was a health and wellness fair. And they're like, your cholesterol is weirdly high.

And it was just like- Unexpected. I was like what? So anyways, my know, I was just like. Unexpected, whoa. I was like, what, so anyways, my point is, is that like the fact that he's 25, is as far as the problem that you have, is at least a good sign that like, he's just, he's taking advantage of the fact that like, he's never had to worry about his weight,

he probably has a very high metabolism, he just never developed good eating habits, like he's not a cook, whatever, and so he's a busy guy. So that's the thing. Now I did, so we talked about kind of what I like, buff dudes, but then we brought up the eating thing and I kind of opened up to him. So I'm in healthcare and I actually work specifically with gut health and all these things. So it for sure bothers me. And you could say I'm like crunchy in some regard, like I have the kombucha, I have the fermented foods,

but I also indulge all the cheeseburger. But I brought it up to him. I'm like, you know, a lot of illnesses and stuff, you don't have symptoms. And then all of a sudden, boom, you're sick. And I've had two immediate family members in the past year who have had cancer or a cancer scare because of diet and lifestyle. I mean he pretty much responded with well I feel

good now so I don't really see a problem with it. So I don't think it's going anywhere anytime soon and my question is not even just with him but with anyone like what are the things that I should be okay with? Because I find myself getting annoyed about it and I don't want to be his mom. I don't want to cook for him I don't want to be naggy. I mean we can get into a larger broader discussion, but as far as this Particular issue with this guy. I think this is the result of dating a 25 year old. Yeah, I guess so, you know But then it's that complicated. So the fact that you are looking for some maturity, like what are your relationship goals?

Are you looking to just fuck around and have fun? Are we looking for potentially our life partner in the future? No, I mean I'm definitely at that point to look for something more serious. All right, you know, listen, you said yes to a 25 year old because you really liked his face, you loved that he was six three and you liked his job.

That's why you're dating him and you were just like, fuck it, he's 25, but either way, I like his face, you loved that he was 6'3", and you liked his job. That's why you're dating him, and you were just like, fuck it, he's 25, but either way, I like his face. But these are the consequences for, you know, being a little superficial. I'm superficial too, so no judgment. I'm joking. You get what I'm saying. But here's the thing.

So he is probably has, I guess, the things that matter that have been missing in quite literally everyone else I've ever dated. He is an excellent communicator. Anything that happens, I'm aware of it. He's just giving me updates. That's great.

Yeah. I mean, he has potential. He's complimentary. We like a lot of the same, doing the same things, but it's just like, would I be pretentious or vain to end a relationship on these seemingly minor things because it's bugging me. I guess and yes and no. Listen if you're just like oh you you eat fast food yuck, gross, I'm gonna break up with you on its face yeah I guess it seems a bit short-sighted and and superficial I

guess. But this isn't about he turns me off because he has fast food. It's just like you would be breaking up with him because he's clearly still, he's an immature 25 year old. Or he's just a 25 year old. Because his response to your very valid concerns, and listen, this is your background. You have some knowledge in it. Part of being in a relationship is to learn and benefit

from what your partner can bring to the table that you don't. Some bigger picture. He was completely dismissive of very concerning logical requests. You didn't get, my sister's a holistic nutritionist and she's fucking hardcore. She brings Tupperware, a fucking flax seed

that her whole family fucking eats while we're all eating normal people food. She doesn't just occasionally have a cheeseburger. To me, she's hardcore, but whatever. It's her life, she can do that, right? You're not even trying to be hardcore. You're just like, listen, you should just be aware of this and just try to incorporate some healthy habits

so that long term, I'm not saying don't eat at McDonald's or Chick-fil-A anymore, but maybe let's adjust a little bit. And that would be a normal response. And I'm guessing if he won, listened to you and said, you know what, that's really interesting, thank you for sharing. And even if he disingenuously said he would try, but really didn't, that would be better than

what he gave you. What he gave you is like, well it's not really affecting me right now so I don't see the problem. It's like what the fuck, are you stupid? That's exactly what I wanted to say. Which would have been valid because like, especially in our 20s and our early 20s, people mature, you go from a teenager in your 20s, right?

You literally, 17 and 20 years old is only three years apart numerically. One's an adult, one's a minor. One's in their 20s, one's a teenager. And there's often a huge discrepancy of maturity between 18 and 29 year olds. I mean, you could meet the most mature 18 year old and an absolute fucking child at 29.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah. You were valid to have that response, like you fucking stupid, because he gave, I'm an 18 year old boy in that moment. And you didn't sign up to date an 18 year old boy, you reluctantly agreed to date a 25 year old man. Yeah, and I guess, him aside. That's why you would be breaking up,

given this topic, assuming his behavior is considered, stays the same. He completely dismisses your guidance and knowledge on this particular topic and absolutely does nothing to even pretend to change. And then you wouldn't be breaking up for that. You'd be breaking up for the fact that like, you start paying more attention to other behaviors. And you start seeing that 18 year old boy and other aspects of his life.

And you just come to the reality that while he's pretty, he's tall, and he's like a genuinely a good guy, that like his timeline and yours are very different. Yeah. I think- So that's why you'd be breaking up. Yeah, and I think that's the hard part about wearing I'm at is I'm like do I give it more time? Do I try to bring it up up in another way?

I don't want to hurt his feelings and be like hit the gym and stop going to McDonald's like that sounds rude Well, maybe doesn't need to hit the gym yet. You know what I'm saying? Like yeah that would be a listen You want him to pump iron and get more muscles is Superficial he doesn't need to be right. He superficial. He doesn't need to have muscles to be healthy. And he could just be an active guy who walks a lot. And as a 25-year-old man, he's probably active enough where he doesn't need to run to be a healthy person. Eating fast food every fucking day can drastically affect his health.

And rear its ugly head in his 30s or early 40s, which comes faster than you think. I don't know, I have a hard time because I don't want to be fast forward, married 20 years down the line and still be fucking nagging him about stuff. I don't have it in me. Fine, I hear that.

But you gotta see this as an opportunity, not a bad thing. You agreed to date a 25 year old man, right? Yeah. And you already knew that there was possibly some maturity gaps in this relationship. You've only been dating this guy for two months, and in two months he has shown you

that he very much has some immaturity in him. And the big question is how much? And this is an opportunity, and in his first test he absolutely flunked, failed, terrible, right? It's not about you nagging him, it's just more like, hey, it's having a conversation about like,

listen, I really kind of hated how you respond to that. Like, you know I don't want to be your mom. I'm not telling you not to ever eat fast food. I'm just saying like, this shit does matter. And not only, like you just kind of completely dismissed me, you know, like you just didn't even acknowledge it. And quite honestly, that was a bit of a turn off because like I do want someone who's at least open to taking care of himself. I don't need you to even go to the gym. You look great, you know, but like you have some really unhealthy

habits. Right. And I'm not asking you to, you know, do anything different other than maybe limit some of these unhealthy habits, at least consider it, take a vitamin or whatever. But like you kind of sound ignorant when you act like, I'm fine now. I literally told you, it's not about how you feel in the moment. It's about what it's doing to your insides that you can't see.

Well, and that's what it comes down to too, is I even like take it deeper. I'm like, oh, now you're disrespecting like what I've worked my entire life and career for, like the knowledge I have in the field that I do. To a certain degree, he kind of did. Yeah, a little bit. You know, it's like, you know, if you were if you were like, Oh, my God, so disrespectful, you'd be taking yourself a little too

seriously. But like, yeah, it is a little, it's a little dismissive of what you do. No, I kind of just you can't say he takes your job seriously and then completely roll his eyes at some feedback. Right. Even if he didn't like the feedback. Right.

He could have said, listen, I know you're right. I know I need to make changes, but like, God, I just really like fucking Burger King. And like, someday I'll change, but listen, I'm only 25. But like, I know, I know I need to, that would have been better than his answer. Right, right. Him aside, kind of overarching,

this is like such a bigger question. Is that when you know that the person you're supposed to be with is when there's minimal things that bother you? Like with this new guy, I'm comparing him to like my ex, and it's like my ex stuck to communicating, but then he'd text me like a shirt and be like, Oh, do you like this? And, you know, appreciate my outfits and stuff had everything this guy doesn't have. How do I like mesh the two? Like

is that when I smile person? Because I know I'm not the perfect person either. I'm not giving somebody everything. There's going to be things that they don't like about me. But I feel like I want at least an equal and have honestly not met my match yet. Get my person out of your head. Yeah. You're 27 years old, just date, get to know people. It's just discouraging.

Cause it's like, is it out there or do I have too high of expectation? You know what I mean? You've been dating a guy for two months, maybe you should chill out. No, but in general, I'm thinking of, he made me reflect on all the past dudes I've been with and it's like, there's always a handful of missing things.

Give me an example. What do you mean, like a past relationship? Give me an example of a thing, yeah, not the past relationship, give me an example of something that bothered you about someone you were in a relationship with that ultimately made you move on and end the relationship that you're now questioning whether you were being

a little too picky. I guess in the past, I've never really ended serious relationships. I end a lot of early dating situations because of these things. So give me an example of that. Give me an example of that. I mean the last guy that I went out with was so weird.

He literally did not eat anything all day until 5 PM and he let himself eat from like 5 to 9 PM. Couldn't do that. Or like another- You've never heard of intermittent fasting? I want to go to brunch. Like that's weird. I don't know.

We would not be compatible. You've never heard of intermittent fasting? I want to go to brunch. That's weird. I don't know. We would not be compatible. Another guy I dated, every single night, he woke up at 3 in the morning, middle of the night, hit a joint to go back to bed. Not into that. But these are all very, I don't want to say surface level, but just lifestyle thing.

And it's like, at some point, I feel like I got to give like all my co-workers at work like I cook for my husband he doesn't know how to cook a thing is that just the world we're in because I'm like I feel like I can do all these things why can't a man do all these things I mean I mean sure I'm sure you got some shortcomings you know sure I mean so yeah some of the examples you're giving, yes, like, you know, I mean, don't get me wrong, waking up at three in the morning, this smoke a joint to go back to bed. If nothing else is, it's a, you know, he might be smoking a little bit too much week, but as someone who thinks he needs to lay off, he needs a cut back and his

weed intake, I like to think I'm a pretty decent guy and a hell of a husband and a, you know, a, like a kick-ass partner or the guy who intermittent fasts. Like, again, if that was the actual reason why you ended it, like you might be missing out on some pretty good qualities in people and you can definitely get over the intermittent fasting or the fact that he smokes a joint at three in the morning. So you can find them both weird, but but if you were literally just ending it right away because of these very specific niche things, what you are describing is that yes,

you are ending some short-term dating situations over your pet peeves. Right. And you wanna be ending those over your non-negotiables, not your pet peeves. And you're not getting to know some of these men and what those non-negotiables could or couldn't be because you're ending it over pet peeves.

Which is kind of what I suspected and why I came on here and why I'm struggling with this current guy. It's like he's got- But that being said, I do think you're valid of being fucking irritated about this thing with this guy. And I think his response was a sign of his immaturity and I think dating a 25 year old man as a 27 year old woman, you needed to be

aware of those things because there's no point in investing more in this person if they are a lot more immature than you are. If you are serious about finding someone, well he might be a good guy and he might someday make a great partner and a great husband, his timeline might be very different than yours and that is valid. I just don't know. But the solution isn't to make a decision with on the phone with me right now. Yeah. The solution is to sit down and have a conversation with this guy to continue to get to know him. You know what I'm saying? Like to keep investing in him, to learn a little bit more,

but your spider senses went off, he raised a yellow flag here, and it's upon you, it's up to you to look into this a little bit further and see if it's, you know, if there's more behind the curtain, more signs of immaturity, if there's other things that are going to pop up where you'll be like, yeah, no, he's definitely a very rich 18 year old boy in a man's body. You know, that's what you have to ask yourself because there's a lot of those out there.

Yeah. I'm glad you're saying that because that's kind of, you know, like I said, I've been collecting these little data points and it's like, it's still so early. I do feel like I, I'm interested enough to want to just know more before I put it too soon. I guess if I do end it, do you suggest approaching it from just that standpoint generally like, Hey, we're on different paths. We have different goals. Like, you know, if I got married to someone, I'd wanna have kids pretty soon, and I don't think that's even on his radar at all. So it's just like-

Well, that's more of a non-negotiable, that's valid. Yeah. And you should be having these conversations with him now. But there's nothing wrong, yes, it is not a pet peeve to wanna be with someone who takes care of themselves. If people don't take care of themselves, they're not gonna take care of you,

or the potential children that you want. a pet peeve to want to be with someone who takes care of themselves. If people don't take care of themselves, they're not going to take care of you or the potential children that you want. You know, like, but again, you it's like, is he the guy who's 25, who's just like kind of lazy and taking advantage of his youth and his high metabolism? So he's having colivars every day, like I did when I was 25, or is he really just kind of ignorant and immature and actually thinks that, you know, what he just said. Yeah, that's what I have to figure out, I guess. I feel like, listen, can I be honest?

Like your comment rubbed me the wrong way. Like, do you actually think that? Yeah. And you have to be careful not to condescend him because you are older. Immediately, you're at risk of being condescending to him. Right. So don't talk down to him. Well, that's the thing.

I feel like it's just been little comments here and there because I'm afraid to like dive too deep into it. And yeah, come off like rude and nagging and I don't want him to resent me. I don't want to resent him. So it's it's a fine line. Yes, but eating fast food every day isn't okay. I'm glad you're like kind of telling me I'm not crazy in this. If I met someone who ate fast food every day, I would, it would be a no for me. And if they gave me that answer like that, I'd been like, I would have some serious concerns. Yeah, and I don't want the chicken and rice dude either,

but just some balance would be real great. Yeah, he's not even acknowledging that you're right, even if he wants to, you know, again, it would have been totally normal for him to have been like, yeah, I know, I know, I that you're right, even if he wants to, you know, again, it would have been totally normal for him to have been like, yeah, I know, I know, I know, you're right, I know, I know I shouldn't eat like this, but like, ugh, I just want to right now, and I know I can. And that would have been much better,

because at least you know. He either said that because he just wanted to be petty and argumentative with you. Yeah. And that's immature, you know, he was just, again, he was very immature in his response. That other stuff, yeah, you should maybe. Not be so picky.

The weed guy, like, other than that, was it really because of that? That you love everything else? No, there was other things, but like the fasting guy, like I just heard that and I'm like, eh, no date number two, I'm a quick one and done-er. That was stupid. That's why I'm single, I guess. I mean mean the fact you did you have a good first date other than that. I mean, yeah, I guess so

And you simply said no to a second date because I mean Fasts there's a few other like sir. Like it's so easy. You hear one thing. I'm really hardcore about it Or do you just casually mention it? I don't even know how we got into it. But it's like you hear that and then there's just other things that you start to use to justify it. And you're like, okay, I'm good at convincing myself like he's not the one. So that's why I'm afraid, not afraid, but I don't want to let go of this one so easy

because he actually sparked my interest for the first time in like, I don't know, three years that I've really actually genuinely felt feelings towards someone. If that's the case, then you should continue to invest in this guy and find out. You should, again, he's not even if he even if he was your boyfriend now, you can always end a relationship. Hell, you can get divorced. Do you think there's things that I should be bringing up sooner in dating? Like about myself and my lifestyle? If this is actually so important to me? I think you should make a list. Seriously. About... it can be a

running list. It could be a list you take some time to put together and you should write down a list of what your pet peeves are and what your non negotiables are. And just to review your non-negotiables are things like do you want to get married? Do you want to have kids? Where do you want to live when you get married or have kids? If you're super political, what are their political beliefs? If you're super religious, what are their political beliefs? If you're super religious, what are their religious beliefs? Things that are like core to who you are as a person. Pet peeves are more just like your preferences, you know? What do you like to eat? Things like that, you know?

Now granted, as someone who's dated a vegetarian, who's a big immediate, that was difficult. Don't get me wrong. And that those are some kind of like, is that a pet peeve or is that a non-negotiable? Maybe somewhere in the middle. You know what I'm saying? And so you need to, it seems like you're not sure what those are. And it seems like you haven't written it down and take a look so that when you start dating someone,

you can literally go back and check the list. You're kind of confusing the two. What are qualities that, you know, because again, whoever you end up marrying is gonna annoy the fuck out of you. There's gonna be a million things you're gonna learn that you don't like about them. But you're gonna be in love with them.

And so you'll learn to accept that about them. Yeah, that's a good point. And I guess too, it's like, I'm not, I'm having a hard time, especially with this one. It's like, okay, what things, like if we lived together and I would be doing a lot of the cooking, would he just eat my healthy stuff? Is it just because he's alone and doesn't feel like doing it?

Same with his style, god awful. If I bought him things, would he wear them? I don't know, I think where I'm at now is what you said with the immaturity. I want somebody who just cares how they present themselves and puts their best foot forward. Take them shopping. I mean, that's a part of maturity too.

I think men, they get to a certain age. And I always liked fashion and found myself to be fashionable. And then, you know, anytime I got a girlfriend, I realized that they probably had better taste and more fashion sense than I did. And so I was like mature enough to take advice from, you know, I was just like, well, I wanna look good

for the person I'm in a relationship with. So like, if nothing else, I wanted to like look nice for her. Why doesn't I wanna look good for the person I'm in a relationship with. So if nothing else, I wanted to look nice for her. Why doesn't he wanna look nice for you? Exactly. And then it's like, I put in effort and he just doesn't even say anything. I'm like, oh, I got real cute for you. It's like so little and stupid, but it adds up.

Well, some of those are just like, he's a fucking dude. A lot of straight men have those very annoying dude habits. It seems like you're somewhere in the middle. It sounds like you are a little, you're definitely nitpicking pet peeves. It sounds like you're just a little, you have some unrealistic goals with some, and then you have some other things where,

are valid, and you just have to get better at communicating them and discussing them and find out. I mean, these questions you're asking me, ask him. Or if nothing else, just confidently say, like, listen, like, it does matter to me that I'm with someone who like cares about how they present themselves. I want to be with someone where we make each other better people. And I want to be with someone who's open to that idea. I want to learn stuff from you. I want you want to be with someone who's open to that idea.

I want to learn stuff from you. I want you to open my eyes to new and exciting things as well, and I want to help make you a better person. You can't make him a better person, but you can give, you know, people say that, so I want to meet someone who makes me a better person, and it's kind of a cop out, but what I do think that like you want to be with someone

who gives you the opportunity to be your best self. And he's not interested in getting your help to be his best self. And is it just too early for that, you think? Sure. But your conversations so far have demonstrated the possibility that he's not interested. And changing it all. That's what scares me. Exactly. So communicate that with him.

Yeah. Just be like, listen, at the end of the day, it's really not about the fast food, but like, I mean. Are you gonna be that stubborn with other things that. Yeah. Down the line. Like, I do, you know, like, listen, I don't, I didn't date you for your fashion sense, but. Well, I think that's a good way to put it too,

to have the conversation, like, what can I learn from you as well? So then he doesn't just feel like, oh, I'm the one trying to sit here and coach his life. What does he want out of a relationship? What are his long-term plans? If he's like, listen, I don't know, like I do want to have a girlfriend,

I like the consistency, but I'm not looking to get married anytime soon. I certainly can't even envision kids. Well then, and if you can in the next three to five years, then why are you wasting your time on a guy who can't? And that's a non-negotiable. Yeah, and that we haven't even really thought that far. It would be very foolish for you to stay in a relationship

with this guy if he's very clear that he has no interest in kids whatsoever, and you know you do. And it would be very foolish for you to think that you're gonna change his mind in the next three to five years. A lot to think about. Make that list of, now, pet peeves and non-negotiables, what are your immediate dating goals? foolish for you to think that you're going to change his mind in the next three to five years. A lot to think about. Make that list of not pet peeves and non-negotiables. What are your immediate dating goals?

What do you want for yourself in the next year or two? What do you want for yourself in five to 10 years? Where are you in your life? Things might change. Once you get those answers, then have a conversation with him about how compatible you guys are. Do you like doing the same things? That's kind of was my thought was like, just straight up asking him,

do you think we're compatible? Seeing what he says. No, no, no, no, don't, yeah, but before you ask, don't put the ball in his court, find out, just like what, that's like such an open-ended question. Yeah, but I'm curious to see if he sees these things that I'm seeing or if it's-

What do you guys do together right now? A lot. What are you doing now? I mean, we'll go out to dinner, these things that I'm seeing. Or if it's- What do you guys do together right now? A lot. What are you doing now? I mean, we'll go out to dinner, we'll go to the farmer's market, a festival. We'll go hiking. And so far, have you noticed that you enjoy going to the same restaurants?

Do you enjoy going to the same places? Or do you feel like one of the two is always compromising? No, I think we like doing a lot of the same stuff, to be honest. Okay, so then in that aspect, there's some compatibility. Yeah. You know, which matters. I mean, liking, you know, as someone who's dated a vegetarian and dated people who like, I literally got engaged with someone who I fucking hated everything she liked watching. I hate, we had nothing, I mean, we had so many things not in common. But we did like how we looked. And we both liked that we were Catholic, you know?

And that was very immature of me. You know, what do you have in common? What do you enjoy doing together? Is it easy to be around each other? And then what are your long-term relationship plans? It does seem like there's some compatibility in terms of you guys enjoy being around each other. It's easy to be around each other.

You like some of the same things. Yeah, I mean, if I had to make a list right now, it'd be a 50-50 split, but I feel like the positives are more heavy hitter things that matter than the negatives, at least right now, from what I know. It's just those little things that are giving me little it and making me like him a little less.

And I don't wanna go down there and have a whole. Well, then don't. Because right now, you find an it and then you decide you know who they are. Instead of deciding who you know who they are, keep getting to know him. This is just a data point. Right now, this data point,

what it did do in a conversation with me was it was an acknowledgement that you've been avoiding certain topics and conversations that you should be having with someone you've been dating for two months. Yeah, I guess I thought it was too soon to dive into that. But why would it be too soon? I mean, yeah, I don't know. You've been dating for two months. How much longer you gonna keep hanging out with a guy before you even have any idea what he wants? Like, I don't know. before you even have any idea what he wants. Like, I don't know. Yeah. Are you asking him, you're not asking him to marry him to him today.

You're not saying, hey, I wanna ring in six months and I want a wedding in a year and a half and I want kids in three. Like, you're just like, hey, what's your temperature on kids? I am getting antsy, because I can tell he's really invested and maybe likes me a little more

and it might become official. But then I guess I have to remember. Well, you can certainly slow things down by inviting some non-negotiables of yours that are important to you that might not align with his. Yeah. And that's the thing, there's a power to early in dating and it's usually, it's non-communicated.

So whether you're right or wrong, you feel like there's a chance he likes you a little bit more than you like him. That makes you feel more in control. It makes you feel like there's a chance he likes you a little bit more than you like him. That makes you feel more in control, it makes you feel more powerful, it also makes them slightly less attractive, even if you still like them. That could change tomorrow.

You could do something that rubs him the wrong way and then he pulls back, you feel that disconnect and all of a sudden you're like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, in your head and you're like, oh my God, like does he not like me? And then all of a sudden you're the one

who's like pining for his attention. Things can change very fast, especially early on. And this might be weird, but I almost wanna know things that are bothering me about him that I'm kind of sliding in there. What is he bothered by? What am I doing? Because it almost would even the playing field

and then I could feel like, oh, there's not so many things quote unquote wrong with you. What's wrong with me? Like, can we? Let him bring it up, yes. Like this whole, like, what do you, like, do you think we're compatible? What don't you like about me?

Like, that's not how you do it. I guess. Worry about yourself. What do you want to get to know about him? What are your concerns? What do you need to find out, you know? This is a guy you've only dated for two months and there's a far greater chance he's going to be a

distant memory in five years than your husband. So act accordingly and prioritize what you need to know. Stop putting the ball in his court. Stop getting him to ask you questions that you should be asking him. Communicate your needs and suppose to asking him to communicate his. You know, lead by example, you know, in areas that you are more mature. And if there are things that you know you want, then you should communicate that as opposed to seeing if he wants, you know, you know what I'm saying? You're just be more direct. It's only been two months. Yeah. No, I definitely like my anxiety can sometimes make me way too analytical about things.

I'm really good at playing devil's advocate, being both sides and then convincing myself, you know, it's just not the right thing, which as you- Yeah. You're having relationships with people by yourself in your head. That is a great way to put it. So I guess if he's not the one then moving forward, but if I say the one- and it's a great way to put it. So I guess if he's not the one then moving forward, but I say the one. I didn't say that.

If you called me up and said, Nick, I've been in this guy for two months and honestly I know I'm crazy, but like I'm absolutely in love with him. I know he's my person. He's fucking perfect. I would literally say the same thing that I just said two minutes ago

about the chances of him being your person versus a distant memory in five years would be the exact same because it's only been two months and like whatever you've learned so far you have you it's the tip of the iceberg you've learned less than 1% about this person so stop deciding like you like you know just be curious yeah yeah enjoy what you've learned. And then when things pop up that make you go, wait, what? I kind of hated that answer.

Don't come up with one question to a test and then you make it seem like you know all the other questions and all the other answers to the test based off of one or two questions. Honestly, because when you said that, I kind of just like let it go. So I didn't know what to say back, obviously. That's fine.

But now you've processed it, and now come back and be like, hey, listen, were you serious the other night? Right. And this is an opportunity not to nitpick about his eating habits, but it's about an opportunity for you to communicate what you want in a relationship. Like I know it's early, I know we're not boyfriend and girlfriend, but just in general,

I do want to invest in someone and be with someone where we help the other person be a better version of themselves. And I can't make you want to be a better person and I can't make you a better person, but you were just really dismissive of just some feedback. And I'm not trying to tell you what to eat, but honestly, you just completely dismissing it, just A, came across as a little honestly,

I mean, it was frustrating, like do you really think that or or you just like giving me a hard time but because I do want someone who takes care of themselves and I get it you're only 25 you eat whatever the fuck you want but like and I'm not trying you know but like I need I need to know that you understand that well you're fine and nothing's gonna happen like it's not healthy to eat fast food every day and like I need to know that you're fine and nothing's gonna happen, it's not healthy to eat fast food every day. And I need to know that you're kind of open to having slightly better eating habits.

And I don't wanna be a nag, but are you open to me sharing some things I know about healthy eating habits that you can incorporate into your diet? Or no, I'm not asking you to give up meat. I'm not asking you to give up meat. You know? I'm not asking you to like, you know, to meal prep every day. I'm just like, well I'm just wondering

if you actually think that like, because you feel fine today, that means that like, then this isn't negatively affecting you. Yeah, that's honestly the perfect way to put it. And I kinda just need it. And see how he responds. If he becomes ultra defensive and immature and critical, then

it's not about his eating habits. It's more like, well, what else can I talk to you about? Yeah. It's about the response and how he moves through that versus actually the topic at hand. I see what you're saying. Listen, I'm not a finished product. I'm 27. Do you think you're a finished product? Because you're acting like you think you're a finished product. That is so true. Honest to God, that is the attitude right now. Which is common for 25 year olds, but like you need to know, like it's like that's part of maturity is knowing that you're immature. Yeah, and I don't think we're there. Self-awareness is knowing that sometimes you can be crazy. It's always the people who are like, I'm not crazy.

Then I'm like, you're crazy as fuck. And the people who tell me that they're kind of crazy. I think actually you're probably not. You're probably pretty fucking normal. I'm sure you've had moments. I'm sure you've had a bad day. I'm sure you've had to apologize for overreacting. But for the most part, that's a very sane thing to say

that you can be crazy sometimes. Someone who calls himself high maintenance, I'm usually thinking they're probably a slightly less high maintenance than they think they are. When someone's like, I'm not high maintenance at all, I'm always like, okay, here we go. And that's why I'm here. I'm like, this sounds really superficial of me, but I know there's some validity to it. So, that's why I'm here trying to talk through it. And I'm glad I did. Yeah, but there's a difference between again, you know, getting 1% of information and feeling like you can answer 100% of the test as opposed to seeing is like, all right, I need to learn more. I need to, you know, open up the book, read the pages, you know. Yeah. And not be ready to end it based on that one conversation.

All right. All right. Was this helpful? Yeah, definitely helpful. I know kind of how this works. All right, keep us posted. We'd love to know if, what happens. You and me both.

We could go either way. Well yeah, but you're gonna find out and I'm asking you to share. I definitely can do that. I can do that. Well, thank you for your time and I love the fall decor. It's very cute. Well, that was all Justin.

Thank you. I approve. All right. Take care. Take care. Thank you so much. All right. Bye-bye.

Bye. Thanks for listening. Don't forget sending your questions at asknick at thefilefiles.com. We'll see you tomorrow for Marissa from Love is Blind. Also we'll be getting into Salt Lake City OC that much and so, so much more. And then we have Joan, your golden bachelorette with us for a really amazing episode of Going Deeper. You will not want to miss that. And then if we got more great stuff on Thursday,

we are just kicking ass.