The Viall Files - E830 Ask Nick - Am I The Crazy Ex?

Episode Date: October 28, 2024

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! We start off the episode getting rid of the Sunday scaries and learning about “cobwebbing”. Then we get to our callers…  Our first caller is wasting her last year of college on a situationship. Our second caller is worried she’s becoming the crazy ex. And, our third caller’s boyfriend likes his stuffed animal sloths more than her.  “I have been sending him text messages non-stop.” Listen to Humble Brag with Cynthia Bailey and Crystal Kung Minkoff every Monday starting October 21st! Available wherever you get your podcasts and YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@humblebragpod  https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/humble-brag-with-crystal-and-cynthia/id1774286896 https://open.spotify.com/show/4NWA8LBk15l2u5tNQqDcOO?si=c03a23d537f94735 Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice, send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: BetterHelp - Visit https://betterhelp.com/viall today to get 10% off your first month. Helix Sleep - Helix is offering up to 20% off all mattress orders! Go to https://helixsleep.com/viall  Caraway - Visit https://carawayhome.com/viall10 to see all of our favorite products AND take an additional 10% off your next purchase. Jack Black - This holiday season, if you want simple, effective products that help you look your best, you need Jack Black. Head to https://getjackblack.com/viall and use code VIALL for 10% off your order. Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall @justinkaphillips @dereklanerussell @kymccarthy23 @allisonklemes  

What's going on everybody. Welcome back to another exciting episode of the Vile Files. What should I, exciting? Should maybe come up with a new word for ask Nick. Maybe it's like- It's Halloween week, so it's spooky. Spooky. Spooky season. Spooky episode.

Dramatic possibly, it's Ask Nick, so- Scary. Switching. Scary. Sunday scaries are over, it's Monday. Sunday scaries do exist. Well, I was just more talking about the content of our episode.

This one's gonna be scary. Because- Because it's Halloween. People's stories are scary and it's just like, oh, how are these type of people in the world scary? Yeah. Okay. Well, they will say a lot of exes,

a lot of bad partners are wearing costumes. This episode is a horror show. No, I'm just kidding. I'm scared. Do you feel Sunday scaries? You know, I thought about that not too long ago. Recently I have. Yeah? I'm really excited when I get done with an interview.

Yeah, because it feels like you've accomplished something. Yeah, because you just never really know with any one interview, like how it's gonna go, like how people are gonna answer questions, things like that. Like Joan, for example, episode that came out last week, Joan had done a handful of interviews. We like to do exclusives and things like that,

but we had the opportunity to interview Joan. We haven't interviewed a Golden Bachelor or Bachelorette yet before. And she was incredible. Nellie and I did a good job. But part of an interview is just a guest's willingness to be open and vulnerable and share. And that got done. And I just felt like going in, it was like, let's see where this goes. I hope this turns into something that people get excited about. I want to listen to. And then when you get done, you're like, let's see where this goes. I hope this turns into something that people get excited about, I wanna listen to. And then when you get done, you're like, that was awesome. I always think we do a good job, but yeah, there's pressure going into the interview.

I have the interview scaries. Interview scaries. Interview scaries. I can imagine, I actually was curious to know if you ever got like anxious or nervous before doing interviews. And the only other time I was ever nervous during an interview was the first time I interviewed Gypsy, I think. Really?

The pressure was on. It was such a moment. Part of it was just like, is she gonna show up? Will she have to go back to prison? Well, that's where my anxiety comes in, is like, are they gonna show up? Are they gonna find parking? Are they gonna get up here?

Yeah, stuff like that. And then she was there, it was just kinda like, I think I was nervous by the moment. Wasn't so much her. But other than that, no. That's good. I also like, I appreciate the reputation we have for the type of interviews we put out.

So there's pressure there. So anyways, anyways. Anyways, what are we talking about? Speaking of scaries and spooky season, Halloween is my favorite holiday and- It's not mine. Really? Why is it always ladies? I love it because it's opportunity to wear a costume.

Usually, at least for me, that means an opportunity to wear like a onesie of some sort and just be comfortable. So your favorite holiday is solely based off of your ability to wear. To dress up as something and put an effort. I want you to know that whenever you want, you can wear a costume every day here.

Okay, all right, you're gonna regret that. Literally, whatever you want. I'm just wondering why a holiday, I get when you're a kid, fine, you get candy. You can buy yourself candy whenever you want. You're an adult. Halloween often falls on a weekday. You're working.

Yeah. It's Thursday this year. Fourth of July, off, parties, vibes, rock and roll, having fun. Halloween parties, I mean, I guess from a costume standpoint, I don't know, it's about the costume. I think it's also the season that it's in.

Christmas, oh my God. Christmas is my favorite. You get off of work, there's a whole vibe, there's music, I mean. Halloween makes sense, it makes sense culturally that like the costumes of it all and the idea of playing a character, because people are used to suppression

and like having to fit certain molds, like women, like queer people, that's why they turn to Halloween. This is gonna sound crazy, but I- It does seem like women, a lot of women love Halloween. And queer people, like it's a big thing for like the gay community. Because it's just fun to like dress up. Straight white male, it's just my privilege that-

Well, not privilege, I'm just saying like it makes sense, people love it because it's like you get to play dress up. Straight white male. It's just my privilege that- Well, not privilege. I'm just saying like it makes sense. People love it because it's like, you get to play into like- That makes sense. Something other than like the norm. Also to me, I feel like I love Thursday. I love fall and I love Halloween.

You love Thursday? Thursday is the right one. To me, those three things are the same. And what do you love about Thursday so much? The anticipation for Friday? The same reason I get Sunday Scaries on Saturday. Thursday nights, Thursday nights are a good day. Do you feel me?

Yeah, cause you're like Friday, it's like, I have to go to work, but like, Friday's fun. But it's like Friday, exactly. It's Friday the weekend to you? It's the end of the week, but it's still so far away from like Monday. You still might go out because heck, it's Friday, you know? Exactly.

Thursday's a good night. It's like the same reason I get Sunday Scaries on Saturday night. You're a day early. I'm like the same reason I get Sunday Scaries on Saturday night. Your day or anything. I'm like ready. What are the Thursday feelings? Like Thursday optimism? Oh my God, we're almost at the weekend,

but we're not there yet, so I don't have to stress about the next week yet. Thursday thankfuls. That's what it is. The Thursday hopefuls? Yeah, it's just, it's a great day. And then, and then to me, fall. I love the fall too. And Halloween are the same because it's like,

it's not the holidays yet. It's not Christmas and New Year's. And then it's like, it's not the holidays yet. It's not Christmas and New Year's. And then it's like, oh, well now we have to wait a whole new year to have more holidays. It's like, oh, we're almost there. So it's like the anticipation and the excitement of the holidays without being in the holidays and being like, oh, fuck, these are almost over.

She likes chocolate. And I like candy. That was a long story short. And pumpkins. Anyways. Speaking of spooky. Speaking of spooky, cobwebbing is a new hottest dating trend.

Cobwebbing is generally understood to mean the cleaning away of connections between you and past love partners, old flames, or even current attractions, which are no longer good for you, explains Heather Garbitt, a love and relationship coach. Oh, okay. past love partners, old flames, or even current attractions which are no longer good for you, explains Heather Garbitt, a love and relationship coach, who I guess came up with this. When she says these may be interfering with your current relationship or the search for

a new love, essentially cobwebbing is the concept of metaphorically clearing away the cobwebs that are cluttering your brain specifically when it comes to your romantic past. Okay, sure. Yeah, I guess. Like if you're hanging out with the fuckboys, situationships of any kind, maybe you're on the apps, you have multiple matches that you keep kind of going back to for validation. I think it's a better name for them because like,

I could pull holes in the cobwebbing. What are your holes? I mean, quite honestly, when Natalie and I were not boyfriend and girlfriend, and we were doing our kind of, we were dating other people. And I think, Especially for me, I kept very much missing Natalie when I was around other women. That was a very new feeling for me, for someone who had been single for a really long time. Someone who never really got into a very serious committed relationship and was casually dating and things like that. Missing someone when I was with someone else wasn't something I had experienced in a while.

It was something that I thought about and considered. Especially, I had a lot of mental hurdles to get over in terms of committing to a relationship with Natalie. That was something that stood out to me. So you could argue that me not clearing that out and having something to compare it to. Someone I was, you know, it wasn't like, oh, it wasn't like someone, I wasn't comparing it to past girlfriends

who were a distant memory. I was comparing it to people I was actively hanging out with and spending time with. And I enjoyed my time with Natalie much more than I had admitted to myself or acknowledged. Or when I was talking to these people I was dating about, other people I was dating and maybe downplaying it and kind of things like that.

And there was a time where Nellie and I had attempted to stop talking and we did stop talking. And I was like, oh, I was kind of dating someone that was a bit younger than me and I don't know if it was the right fit. But when I was saying that, I didn't believe it. I felt like I was lying to myself and ultimately I, I guess, to people I was talking to, but I didn't really know it was a lie

until I kinda said it out loud type of thing, right? You bring up a good point, because it's almost like cobwebbing could actually be something that's beneficial, because it's the same way that you clear out your closet. That's what I'm saying, I don't like the name, because why do we hang on to these people? Because cobwebbing is not even the definition

I talked about, it's more like clearing out your closet, right, what's the analogy for like- Spring cleaning. Well yeah, right, and like there's a lot of things in our clause that we hang on to that we tell ourselves we're gonna use in the future we never really use, right? So we hang on to people, why do we hang on to people? Not necessarily because we think we're gonna use them

in the future, but deep down I think it's like just in case we need that validation, in case we get lonely, in case we get bored, in case something happens. It's a letting go of the past, even though it's a security net of having someone to spend time with or to just to validate us, to keep us preoccupied, and freeing up our emotional space to let in things new.

And in doing so, though, sometimes you could stumble upon like an old shirt that you're like, whoa, why don't I ever wear this anymore? And in your case, it was like, I keep thinking about Natalie. I mean, these terms are kind of like, it's like, I think I'm in a cobweb today. I guess. But sure, pop off.

I hope that when people read stuff like this, they don't like take it at face, you gotta think about what they're trying to apply. I think it just wants you to have like an aha moment. Like the cobweb isn't serious, but I read that and I was like, oh, okay. Yeah. I do stand by Thursday, fall, the number seven and purple all being the same thing. We would like to hear from you. So please email us at asknickofthevilefiles.com for all your Ask Nick questions, texting office hours, you know the drill. Don't forget about Vile Files Plus where you're getting all your Ask Nick questions, texting office hours, you know the drill. Don't forget about VyloFiles Plus where you're getting all your

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Do so today. Also, you get your pop extra roundup every week. On Friday we drop a pop culture episode where we talk about topics we didn't get to during the week on Reality Recap. Plus our Vanderpump recaps. We are wrapping up season four. We're recapping the reunion right now.

It's lots of fun. We talk about all things under the sun. We'll talk about obviously about Vanderpump and then we just get into these random tangents. It's a lot of fun. Get to know the household a little bit better through Vile Files Plus. So check it out if you haven't already. Be sure to do so. You are missing out if you haven't.

Also, we have a great week lined up for you. Jaleel White is with us on Wednesday for Going Deeper. You might know him as Steve Urkel or Stefan. I was a huge fan of Jaleel White when I was a kid. I'm sure many of you are as well. This is definitely a nostalgic episode. He has a lot to share about his life and lessons learned and all that fun stuff. So if you have been wondering what Jaleel White has been up to, please check us out on going deeper. It's going to be a really fun, nostalgic episode. You will not want to miss it. Plus we got some amazing episodes of Reality Recap. Up this week we got Chandler Kinning from Dancing with the Stars and Pretty Little Liars is

with us tomorrow on Reality Recap. We got Nina Parker. You probably know her from E News. She loves talking pop culture. She's also deep into Love Recap. We got Nina Parker, you probably know her from E! News. She loves talking pop culture. She's also deep into Love is Blind. We have the finale that dropped last Wednesday. We'll be getting into more of that conversation with Nina. She has some really great funny takes. She's a real delight.

We're excited to have her. And then on Thursday, hang on to your butts because Shannon Badour is with us and we are very excited to have Shannon. Yeah, we are very excited to have Shannon. Yeah, we are just excited to have Shannon. I think it's gonna be hot, heavy, and wild. She joins us on Reality Recap, so be sure to tune in for that. Who knows what else we're gonna bring you this week? We don't even know sometimes. Things might change. They move faster at the Vile Files. Until then, let's get to our

exciting callers. What's your time with me? Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going? Good. How are you? Good. What's your name? I'm Kate.

I'm 21 years old and am I wasting my last year of college on my situationship? Yes. All right. Good call. All right. Bye. I'm joking, but I mean, you say you listen to this show before, yeah? I ship. Yes, all right, good call. All right, bye. I'm joking, but I mean, you say you listen to this show before, yeah? I do, yes. How do I feel about situation ships?

Well, okay. Let's start here. Why isn't it a relationship? Everything so far has seemed like it's going to be set up for us to date. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait. We use it, you, okay. I want you to not sugar coat things.

You know who you're talking to here? Ain't your girls. Okay. You know what I'm saying? I'll go, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, you would like it to be a relationship. For sure. Okay. And how long you been hanging out with this guy? This time. Overall, when did it first become a situation? Well, three years ago. Three years ago. Okay. Three years ago, but we've dated other people. That's better than not, but you always go back to him.

How long have you wanted him to be your boyfriend? I mean, well, that's hard to say because we've had on and off periods. There were time periods up to almost a year where we were not talking at all. I understand, but has there ever been a point where you called him your boyfriend? No.

Was there ever a point where you wouldn't have said yes to him being your boyfriend if you would ask? No, I think I always would have said yes. Okay, and then the time in which you weren't speaking, that was because why? We were both dating other people. Okay. But why did you stop speaking? Because you met someone else or?

No, I pretty much had said like, I've had enough of the weird in between, not knowing what's going on. And then the first time it was because he like picked a fight and then kind of like turned things on me because I think he didn't want to commit which like classic and then I found out he was talking to other people so that was like three years ago. What prompted you guys to start talking again? We both were involved in the same student organization so I've seen him around. Yeah but how do you go from seeing him around to you're back into a situation? Like, how did that start?

Okay, this I sent him a TikTok because I figured he was single and I sent him a TikTok. So we started talking again from that, like a month and a half ago. And then TikTok was like, what, like, what was it about? It was like a golf dad with his daughter. And I was like, this kind of reminds me of you. I feel like this is what you you're gonna be like. When he's a dad? When he's a dad, yes. So just to just to recap. Yeah. The guy who you had met in the past but you wanted a date but didn't want to date you and then you had to find out that he was

talking to other people because he didn't have the guts to tell you and then you frustratingly stopped conversation with him, rightfully so, and went on your merry way. You let enough time pass where you were on TikTok and then you decided to send him a TikTok that he could, if he wanted to, tell himself, boy, that she has never stopped thinking about me. Can you put it like that?

That sounds terrible, but yes. How else could I put it? How would you put it with the girls? Yeah, no, I mean, you're right. I think this time around has felt a lot more boyfriendy. Like he's never done the things that he's doing now. So I don't know whether to trust if he's changed or if this is just like round three and he's maybe-

Let's walk through what he's doing. What is he doing? Well, in the past, I think that was a lot more of just like round three and he's maybe. Let's walk through what he's doing. What is he doing? Well, in the past, I think that was a lot more of just like a physical relationship, like definitely based on attraction and we didn't necessarily get to know one another in the ways that are important. So you were only hooking up in the past.

We had gone on like maybe a couple of dates. But it was mostly just hooking up. Mostly just sex. Okay, and then now. This has been like dinners and going out and meeting my friends. I've met his He lives in a different city. How long has this been going on for a month and a half month and a half what? Conversations if any have you guys had about the two of you and its future? So a few weeks ago, I pretty much was like, I think we need to set some expectations because I don't want to get stuck in the rut of the relationship

we had before is not the type of relationship that I want now. What do you say? He said he wanted more time to think about what answer he was going to give me. Okay. How old is he? He's 24. And then how long ago was that? That was three weeks ago.

And then last week I asked him again, have you thought about expectations or anything that I've said to that point? What were the expectations you tried to set with him? Well, I wanted expectations of like, are we talking to other people? Like obviously we're in different cities. So I was like, is there a certain amount of like calls or like, is there a certain amount of time that can go by before we see one another? Like I wanted some solid answers

of like how we're gonna go forward with this. And I wasn't asking like, am I your girlfriend? Why not? Well, I felt like it was too soon. Are you having sex with him? Yeah. I mean, he has no problem asking to have sex with you. I don't know.

I mean, I don't. Listen, I'm giving you a hard time and I know, I mean, you're 21. So, unfortunately for you, you don't know what the world was like before people got to know each other a little bit. At 21, I'm guessing most 21 year olds with hookup culture, it's been normalized that it's okay to not know someone at all and have sex with them,

but it's fucking crazy to be hanging out with someone for a couple months, have sex with them, but it's fucking crazy to be hanging out with someone for a couple of months, have sex with them, have them meet all your people. And it's crazy to ask for some sort of commitment. It's not though. Yeah. You know, how would you ask for that? Like, how do you work?

I don't know. I just feel like I'm actually in the middle of you have it read chapter two. Like there's a whole situate, like you just need to read the whole situationship chat. I think it's chapter two. Well, it's chapter three maybe, but. I don't know, it was written for you. Yeah, when fuck boys become situationships, and can you transform a situationship into a relationship?

Because there's only one, you ask, cause how do I do this? There's only one way to do this, and that is to confidently express to him exactly what you want, and what it will take for him to have you in his life and be willing to walk away when he says no. You're completely right.

You're completely right. I'm not arguing with you. I think it's just like the deep rooted so many times of going back, like accepting that I'm probably gonna have to take the risk of losing all of it. What are you losing? I wanna point out before we get in,

going any further, you are only 21, you know? Yeah. And I don't know what your relationship goals are for yourself or if marriage or kids are even on your radar, but you are only 21. They are. They are, okay. And you know, but like you are only 21 and you are allowed like every other 21 year old

to be selfish and and live your life for yourself right now if that's what you choose to do and maybe not having a boyfriend period is like the move you can make. Also just recognize that even though you are interested if you were to answer that question today like when do you hope to have kids or get married? Hopefully married in the next five years. Okay all right so it's not like you're just like you need to have in the next five years. Okay, all right. So it's not like you're just like, you need to have it in the next couple of years.

You have a general long-term goal of five years and that, and just a heads up, that will probably change. But yeah, so it's a very normal goal because you're thinking I'm 21, okay, I'm in my mid to late 20s, I'm gonna be ready to settle down. So it's very normal kind of timeline that you have in your head.

Five years, you know, it'll happen fast on some levels, but it's a long time from now. And I don't know if a 24 year old dude, I wouldn't want to make sure that he's also interested in that. I mean again, like it's just the question is, is like how much time do you have to waste? You know, as 21 you definitely have more time to waste than someone who's, well I mean literally we just got talking to a 31 year old who just got divorced and, you know, she's out there dating again. And, you know, we gave her advice. We acknowledged that when she was 21, she could date the persons that she was dating

and kind of ignore some of the pet peeves that she was seeing. Because like, you know, like, whatever, she's only 21. But she met this guy and he showed her some stuff and it was like, hey, maybe move on. You are young, so you can be a little bit more flexible with people you give a chance to. Back to what you were saying in terms of being afraid to lose everything. When you say that, and again,

not to minimize your experience or downplay being 21, but you are talking about someone who's about to lose a marriage and access to their kids, I'm about to lose everything, you know, like I'm hearing you, you might once again, cut off communication with a fuck boy who almost will certainly re-engage with you. If you once again are willing to have sex without expectations, because that's what he wants.

He loves the sex without expectations. And all I'm hearing from you, because there haven't been any real conversations up until recently when you kind of checked in with him, but his willingness to hang out with your friends and his willingness to do whatever more he's doing that feels like boyfriend and girlfriend stuff to you that makes you question whether he's quote unquote changed,

that's not information that tells me he's changed. Hey, he might've changed, but that's information that that just tells me he is willing to do that now. I don't know why he's willing to do that now. And I don't know why he wasn't willing to do that in the past, but there are plenty of guys and plenty of fuck boys out there who will take you on a date or take you to a movie who will introduce you to their friends and meet yours and still not want to be your boyfriend. I know that like, I think it's more specific to like him as a person. I think

I've been a little naive maybe in this and thinking that like, well, there's like a reason we haven't fully lost touch in the last three years. Let me clearly enjoy your company. Sure. Yeah. I mean, as you should, but I'm not necessarily like, I think a lot of people get stuck in situationships and then they're in this cycle. Like I'm never going to find anyone outside of this. I'm going to be alone, but I think I just. What, and what are you, what are you like compared to the person you think. The things this way. I think I just like, I don't know what it is about him that like, I haven't been

able to get him specifically like out of my mind. Well, how is that different than what you just described? Cause I still think if it ends tomorrow, like I'm not worried about finding another fuck boy, like you said, that can take me on a date. That's not really like my concern. I think I just, for whatever reason, was so emotionally connected to this certain guy.

And do you think it has maybe anything to do with the fact that like you said, you maybe just kind of like him a little bit more than other men you've met and then coupled with the fact that, like you said, you maybe just kind of like him a little bit more than other men you've met, and then coupled with the fact that he also wasn't willing to give you what you want and play kind of hard, you know, he's a challenge. Do you think it maybe has anything to do with the fact that you haven't gotten him yet? Maybe, maybe, yeah.

Maybe, it's possible. So you think I should end it, or you think I should just try and give him like an ultimatum? No, I think you need to amp up what you are doing. So read chapter two very thoroughly. I'm serious. I mean, but if you want honest feedback, there's a very specific feedback regarding situationships.

And like everyone thinks their situationship is different, it's not. Maybe that's rule number one for you. Because you, to me, sound like every other person calling in about a situationship. Because it's like, how you sound is like you think your situation's different. You know, like that's how every other person in a situationship sounds. You're looking for the reason to justify your behavior. Because deep down, you know, your behavior hasn't gotten you anywhere. And you have a fear of investing more time with this guy.

And let's go back to your original question. Am I wasting my last year of college on my situationship? You'll never get this year back. Even if you go back to school and get your doctorate or your master's, you're getting your bachelor's, yeah? Right, yep. You'll never get that back. This is a unique time of your life. This is a unique experience.

And you, as someone who did invest a lot of that time of his life on one person, he has no clue what they're doing with their life today, I would just be careful who you invest that time in. And if you meet a guy who's worthy of your time and shows up in ways that you know that most 24-year-old guys don't, and he is communicating effectively, and he's not, I mean, three weeks,

I need more time to think about that, it's been three weeks. He's not, I mean, three weeks, I need more time to think about that. It's been three weeks. He's not thinking about it. You mean, it's not like he's, he's waiting for you to bring it up again. I bet the amount of conversations he said with anyone about your request are zero. Yeah, honestly.

So, you know, he still doesn't wanna have expectations from you. A relationship is about a willingness to have someone else have expectations from you. A relationship is about a willingness to have someone else have expectations of you. Someone, obviously, I mean, you're an adult, so you can decide whether you can have your parents have expectations of you, right? Like, that's a choice you're making.

You don't have to listen to your parents, but there's still a connection some people have with their parents where they feel slightly obligated to listen to mom and dad. You have your teachers, they have expectations of you. I don't know, you have a job maybe, you have a boss, they might have, you have to listen to them. And a lot of people at your age and your position,

including your fuck boy, they're not interested in having anyone else being able to say, I want you to do this, I expect you to do this, and whatever that is. That's a relationship. And that might be a very stripped down, unromantic way of describing one, but at its bones, that is what a relationship is.

And for all the people like you, who have become so accustomed to accepting situationships as a acceptable relationship status, I think it's really important people like you understand what it is that you're not getting from this guy. And I'm guessing you want a guy, you know, who is willing to make you a priority and prioritize your needs and your feelings sometimes above his or be proactive in his consideration for your feelings. Anticipate how you might feel about a given situation. Go out of his you might feel about a given situation.

Go out of his way to think about things that make you happy or sad and not do the things that make you sad. Right now, he's not thinking about any of this stuff. And if he does, it's for a short term thing for him. Yeah, I know that. Oh, damn Nick, yeah. Yeah, I think you're pretty accurate on that one.

So, not to sound like the old fucking guy here, but like I'm meanin' it when I say, like you'll never have this year back. You'll never be able to replicate. Like where do you live? Do you live with mom and dad? Do you live with parents? Do you live in an apartment?

Do you live on campus? No, I have a house. Are you going to like a four year university? Yeah, I am. We have a house off campus. So yeah, like you're on a college university campus. Again, you will never get this year of your life back. And I wouldn't waste any time of it worrying about a fucking boy.

Yeah, you're right. I mean, that's my big brother best friend advice. And if I had no time with you, I would just emphasize that point over and over. What's your major? I'm doing business. All right. Well, if you're going to take risks, take risks on yourself. Don't take risks on fuckboys. Take risks for yourself that are going to enhance your future and life experiences.

No, definitely. Chances are this guy will be waiting. You can send a TikTok to this guy when you graduate. So having like, if you can have that mindset, that'd be like, kind of like, what the fuck am I doing? I'm doing the same thing I did as a sophomore in college and now I'm in my last year of college. I shouldn't be wasting this very special year of my life. It is, you can't, like again, to give you more wisdom,

like after this year, honestly, it's kind of all the same. On some level, I'll never forget graduating and getting my first job. My first job was an auditor. I remember working my first week and it was the Friday and I'm like, this is the rest of my fucking life. I graduated in May and usually you have some sort of summer break and granted, I always have a job in summer

and I make money. But it wasn't like this is my job. And granted, I've had other jobs in my life, it wasn't the rest of my life. Your life will canon change and you'll find different ways to reinvent yourself. But honestly, this is your last year of even pretending to be a kid, to be young.

And the rest of your life, you have no more excuses. You're just an adult. And now you're like, you're still in college and there's a level of freedom that you have and that you just can't replicate. You just can't replicate it anymore. And I wouldn't waste it on fuckboys next year after you graduate, fine.

But you can't replicate this. I would protect that if I were you. That being said, if you wanna practice on this guy, knowing that, you know, holy shit, I hope that you get off the phone and you go, holy shit, what the fuck was I doing? I need to preserve this last year of college and make it as special as it can be.

Who knows? It might be a horrible year. I don't know what life has in store for you or what problems you might have to overcome, but if life doesn't deal some shitty situations your way, then don't bring him in unnecessarily. And this guy, for you, is a shitty situation. Other than the occasional good sex and a good time, he has only

created frustrating moments for you. He has gotten your mind and stuck in places where it could be thinking about your future, your plans, going out with the girls, trips, whatever. Who knows, you know? So I'd love for you to get off the call with me and be like, holy shit, what was I doing? But like, then use it to practice what you would do with this guy if you didn't give a fuck,

because you should not give a fuck. And that's how you get a guy like him to commit to you is by making him realize that you don't give a fuck whether he wants to be with you or not. But right, like the TikTok you sent, this guy is in complete control of this situation, you know? Yeah, no, I agree. Let me get back to you.

It's been three weeks. Again, he won't get back to you for six months. I mean, until you bring it up again, he's not going to. Because why? Because he doesn't anticipate you actually doing anything about it. And the only thing you can do is for you to say what you did before and be like,

I don't wanna do this anymore, let's stop talking. And you know what he's gonna say is, you know, okay, finally, you're right. For at least at first, because he doesn't think you're going anywhere. You can go date someone else and then six months, you'll send to you a TikTok and he's been able to catch up with you. And you know, he's like, yeah, she's still good at sex. Great. He doesn't care. I guess is the short answer. You haven't given him a reason to care. You have given him no reason to think that he can't have you when he wants you. And the only way to get someone like him

to change his behavior is to make him realize you're no longer available when he does want you. And you hit, you so that's the only way to do it. When was the last time you heard from him? Oh, this morning. Okay, so you talk every day? We talk every day all day. All right, start just being

distant with him. Okay. I'm reluctant to tell you to play games here because like you need to do this for fun. Yeah. You can't be committed to the outcome and to be totally honest with you, I don't, I think you are too committed to the outcome so it might be a little dangerous for you to play this game but. I mean I think you're right like as you're talking about just making the most out of the rest of the year, like we have a girls trip coming up. Like, I don't know if I necessarily want to be worried about this guy that doesn't necessarily care about me as much as I care about him. I mean, listen, and if you are truly in control of your emotions, you know, I don't know how

like, how hard do you care about this guy? I really, I really care about him. You care about him. All right. So then maybe you shouldn't be having sex with him because I'm guessing when you do, you care more, not less. Right. Well, let's just say, just for argument's sake,

you were like, all right, whoa, shit, Nick, you're right. Oh my God, what am I doing? It's my last year of college. I shouldn't be wasting it on guys, right? So then you think to yourself, oh, okay, well, honestly, I'm just not gonna have a boy. If a guy comes my way that I fall in love with and wants to give me everything I want in a boyfriend,

then sure, I'll consider it. But I'm not gonna be looking for a boyfriend this year. But hey, listen, I like the company of men from time to time. I don't mind the occasional hookup. I'm a young adult, you know, and I wanna have the occasional hookup. Oh, here's this guy who I like having sex with.

He likes having sex with me, so could you hit him up two months from now? Be like, hey, you down? But I don't think you should do that because it sounds like you're too emotionally invested. I don't think I should do that either. I think that would not be, I think that would make me go back

on any progress I would make. Okay, great. Well then, good, I'm glad you know yourself there. But yeah, you just have to figure out what it is you want for yourself, in terms of relationships. And you can always be open to meeting the right person, regardless of your age or where you're at in life.

Like there are people who met their life partners in, right, at 21 in the last year of college. There's just a difference between being open to it and looking for it. You've met a guy that you care about, and you're just listening to your body and you know how you feel about him and you would be willing to work on something with him

because to you, he's different than most of the guys for whatever reason, whether that's competition or not but you just feel something different from him. You would like to explore a relationship with him. You've put it out there, he doesn't want to so you just need to move on. If I were you, I would get off the phone and maybe ignore him the rest of the day. If he follows up with like, hey, are you ignoring me or

something up or like kind of like checks in and acknowledges you're not responding, wait a period of time and just say, hey, really sorry I haven't gone back to you, just really busy. Very vague, very cryptic, right? And then short of it being like an emergency, like you just don't, that's it, sorry, really busy, can we talk tomorrow? Make them follow up with you tomorrow. And at that point you could say, hey, sorry, I just been really busy,

but oh, by the way, I know I brought up you three weeks ago, but honestly, like clearly, you're not interested, no surprise, I mean, you haven't gotten back to me, but I just realized, I was like, I don't know what I'm doing, it's just like, it's my interested, no surprise. I mean, you haven't gotten back to me, but I just realized, I was like, I don't know what I'm doing. It's just like, it's my last year of college. I have a lot of other things I need to prioritize, and you know I think you're great, and you're wonderful,

but I just don't have time for this right now. So I'm sorry if I wasted your time, and I wouldn't bring up boyfriend and girlfriend anymore, other than the fact that you mentioned to him that like, he hasn't gotten back to you. So like, you're assuming you two are on the same page now, but this is you deciding for yourself that this is the year that you'll never get back

and you really wanna prioritize it and you just don't have time for situations. Yeah, yeah, I'm like taking notes. That sounds so good. And then I wouldn't say anything else, but you have to believe this. time for situations. Yeah, yeah, I'm like taking notes. That sounds so good. And then I wouldn't say anything else. But you have to believe this. This can't be a game.

This can't be a bluff. This isn't a game of chicken. And you have to be prepared for him not to care. In your mind, you are gonna be hoping that he panics, that he cares, that he's like tries to convince you to change your mind. You have to anticipate him being like, oh, okay, well, great, yeah.

I mean, maybe we could, I hope we can still be friends. You're just like, well, listen, I'm not trying to be rude or anything, but I just don't know if you and I are meant to be friends. So I don't know if I really have time. If he asks more questions, then you can give him an answer, but you don't wanna get into it with him. You don't wanna have some big discussion. You don't want to have some big discussion.

You don't want to have to explain yourself. It's just more like, listen, obviously you know I care about you, and you are someone who's always been special to me, and it's not something you want for yourself right now. And I just don't want to, again, be in a situation with you. You're not interested in a relationship.

That's totally okay. And honestly, I'm not really either, and I'm realizing I won't get this year back, so I don't wanna do the whole back and forth, and I like you, it's not easy for me to just fuck around with you and not care, so I just think it's best that maybe we don't. Maybe in the future, circle back with me in a year, and you gotta be very emotionless, and very business transactional, maybe we don't. Maybe in the future, like circle back with me in a year and you gotta be very like emotionless

and like very business transactional. Very like, I don't care. You speak to him like, duh, duh. Like you anticipate him not giving a fuck. You're doing him a favor. You're anticipating him being like, you're doing this for the both of you. Like, oh my God, this is so obvious.

Like I'm honestly sorry about that TikTok. I don't, I wasn't trying to like, but like I need to do this for me. And then if he's like, oh, were you ignoring me yesterday? Like, no, sorry. I was just like, I was just really busy. I just like, honestly, again, I'm just really realizing that like, this is not, I don't know, you know, I'm not- This just doesn't make sense for me. Yeah, it just doesn't make sense, you know? And I don't want to explain or convince you or ask you again. If you wanted something more with me, then you would have made it clear, but you don't.

That's totally okay. I really don't have time for that anyways. That makes sense. Okay, okay, I'm gonna, I promise I'm gonna do that. As soon as this is over. Well, as soon as it's over, just do nothing. Just ignore him. You just do nothing, yeah.

Okay, I actually feel pretty good about that. Okay. I appreciate you being so blunt with me because I think I probably needed to hear it. No problem. That's why I'm here. But yeah, all jokes aside, this is your last year of doing this.

Yes, you can go to bars. Yes, you can have fun. Yes, you can travel. But like, there's something unique about this experience and the permission you have to be in college and just embrace the lifestyle that is this very unique experience that you'll to be in college and just embrace the lifestyle that is this very unique experience that you'll never be able to replicate

without honestly judging yourself, you know? Right, no, that completely makes sense. I'd rather make the most out of my last year. Yeah, if someone is gonna get you to give this year up, they better be- Worth it. Worth it, and it better be very clear, and they better be begging you for it.

Agreed. Okay. Okay. All right. Thank you so much, Nick. No problem. 20 years from now, you'll be thanking me. If you follow my advice, this will be an important conversation. I wish I had this conversation when I was 21. More importantly, someone probably had it with me and I just didn't listen. That's the hard part for you. Yeah. And read chapter two over and over and over and over again.

Okay. I'm going to have some notes on it. You know, because you did say something early in the conversation where you're like, I set expectations. I tried to set it. You don't try, but you can try to set expectations, but you don't try to enforce boundaries. You just do them or you don't do them. You know, it's very Yoda do or do not. There is no try. Star Wars. It's probably too over. Yeah. It's not. You either set it's probably too over for you. Yeah. You either set the boundary or you don't set the boundary. You can't try to set a boundary.

Because again, boundaries are usually something you enforce for yourself. Like if you don't enforce it, you just decided not to. Because you decided that in not enforcing it was easier. Enforcing a boundary is removing someone's access to you in some capacity and no one likes that. And usually, again, and that's why it's difficult because to do that, you also have to not give them access,

access that you're enjoying. You enjoy giving them access to you. And that's where it's difficult. But you're thinking, setting boundaries is, oh, I can't have set a boundary because he didn't agree to it. People don't agree to your boundaries ever. They reluctantly accept them

because they know you're serious about them. And they have decided that respecting your boundaries is still better than not having you at all. And you have never made him make that choice yet. Well, you have, and then you sent them a TikTok. Well, yeah. Whatever, it's fine. Again, this is the time of your life to do shit like this.

But it's just as long as you understand what you did. No, that completely makes sense. You're right. I just, yeah, you're right. All right. Well, good luck. A version of what I'm telling you is in the book. You know, it's like, I basically like read out

like what you should do. And it's just like, when your situation calls you, tell them you have a date or whatever. You don't need to do that, but you get the premise of making myself unavailable yeah change the dynamic of your relationship and just not give a fuck okay okay okay thank you so much nick i really appreciate it no problem keep us posted we'd like to know how you wrap things up with this guy okay Okay, will do, will do. All right.

Thank you all. All right, take care, bye bye. Okay, bye. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. BetterHelp is an online counseling platform that offers therapy services through phone, video, live chat, and online messaging. BetterHelp's goal is to make therapy

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Michaela. I'm 28 and I'm worried that I am becoming a crazy ex. How's it going? Hi, good. How are you? Good. What's your name? Michaela. I'm 28 and I'm worried that I am becoming a crazy ex. Okay. What are you doing that's making you think that you're the crazy ex? I have been texting him nonstop. Like, it's like 10 paragraphs, 10 texts in a row constantly. I could be reaching out about logistical stuff,

like we live together, and then it'll turn into me getting emotional. I've called him before. I haven't done anything like stalking or anything like that, but- You still live together? No, we don't. Okay.

I'm gonna say you're living together and texting him? Boy, it's crazy. Okay. How long you've been broken up? About two months. Okay, did he break up with you, I'm guessing? Yes. Okay, how did, I mean that probably wasn't easy. Did it come as a shock to you? How long were you dating for?

We were dating for, well we dated for two months, like over two and a half years ago, and then we got back together, and this time around it was two years. Oh, okay, and then for two months, like over two and a half years ago. And then we got back together and this time around it was two years. Oh, okay. And then you moved in. How long did you guys live together? 11 months, just shy of a year. Okay.

Why do you say it like that? You're- I wish we survived the year, but it is what it is. Why? I don't know. I guess it's just, well, maybe it wouldn't have been good anyway, cause it could have ended at any point, but- Well, it's good that you are saying these things out loud because I think when it comes to breakups we can get stuck ruminating and obsessing

over details like making it to a year, which are just a waste of our emotional energy but they're very common. And I think you know, you don't need me saying this, it's not normal behavior to send common. You know, and I think you know, you don't need me saying this, it's not normal behavior to send paragraphs and a bunch of texts to someone who doesn't want to have you in their life anymore. Right, so you know that, right? So we just need to figure out how to get you to not do that or is there anything else you're doing other than aggressive texting him that you are a bit alarmed by? I mean, I was on his Amazon account just because I was logged in already. And I found myself kind of like looking at his purchases. Like I would get alerts and things

like that. And I was ordering my stuff on there. But he said it was cool to stay logged in. But then he did ask me to log out. So I did. So no more access to that, which is good. Okay. Slightly stocky stuff, but whatever. No, whatever. Is that it? Yeah. Okay. That's pretty much it.

Not the end of the world, but obviously like definitely, he's definitely showing some friends. I mean, like she keeps asking me, why did you guys break up? It's kind of complicated, but we fought a lot. Like looking back, we fought an abnormal amount and an issue that was prevalent was his sister was our landlord and she promised to extend our lease for six more months while we kind of got on our feet a little better and she went back on it and that really stressed me

out and I didn't know how to handle it. He didn't know how to handle my stress and it was just, there were other factors but that was kind of what ultimately led to it. So you, I'm hearing from you is that you acknowledge that while there's disappointment in the breakup that you don't think he was quite honestly like that incorrect for making, you almost understand why he got to the decision

that he did. I do. Okay. All right. So what's causing you to send these messages? Honestly, I know I'm 28, but it was my first relationship. Okay. Like I've dated here and there, but that was my first relationship. He's also the first person I slept with. I don't know if that has anything to do with it, but some friends have been saying that maybe that could be the fact that this is your first major heartbreak

is definitely adds some context. And it does give you a little bit of leeway to be a little crazy, for sure. Okay. You definitely need to stop, but like it definitely makes it a lot more understandable, because the first one's hard to get over, because the first one, you've get over because the first one you've never

you've never gotten over something like this before so there's not like a mental playbook or even the confidence that you will you will so just know that you will from someone who's done it before you just have to acknowledge that i will get over this even though and that's where maybe 28 year like you know right now you have two different people inside of you, so to speak, right? There's, you know, you're a 28 year old adult woman who despite not having a ton of exes, you know how to be an adult. You have expectations for yourself, you're,

I'm gonna give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you are, you're just contributing society and like, you're just generally a good person and you know how to be a mature 28 year old adult. And then you have this side of you that's never, you know, that's very inexperienced when it comes to relationships and how to handle your emotions and that.

So there's kind of this youthful immature part of you inside of this mature part of you. But the mature part of you knows it's like crazy to send these messages and things like that. And so the mature part of you can also recognize that while I know I don't know what it's like to get over someone and 19 year old me would be freaking out, 28 year old me can tell, you know, 19 year old me some version of like, I know, I don't know how we're going to get over this, but we're going to get over this, you know, because I just will, you know,

because I've talked to, you know, you've talked to other people who have had experience and then you can use your wisdom and maturity to help you understand what you can't grasp on your own because you lack the experience. I like that, yeah, absolutely. So anytime you have a thought or a fear of not getting over this, you just have to remind yourself that you will. And you don't know when,

and you know it will be hard, but you will get over it. And just knowing that is a big step in the healing process. So there's that. Yeah. Write a letter, you know, part of this is like, you have emotions that you need to get out. Yes. So write it down, just don't write it in a text.

Also a lot easier to write it in a, you know, texting with your thumbs. Oh my God, forever. Packs, my God. I know I shouldn't send it to an app, but it's wait, like I just keep, I don't know. Like I, I've stopped for a few days, but that's not really. What has it gotten you? It's gotten me more confusion because he'll accidentally like give in and like a little bit after the breakup,

he wanted to get back together and then he went back on it. And we had a three hour phone call like two weeks ago, which helped clarify things. But at the end of the day, I feel like it was kind of useless and a waste of time. Have you hooked up since? No. Okay.

You say that like you're sad. I know that it's not, it would be too confusing because he's 30, but it's also his first relationship too. Okay, yeah. Listen, I'm glad you acknowledge that too. He's figuring this out, you're figuring this out. It's not confusing, I'll clear that up for you. Let's start there.

Because he's not an ass, like right? We're agreeing that he's not a monster, he's not an asshole, he's not an evil person. You might be upset with him, you might have some frustrations about him. So his reasons for quote unquote giving in or doing things that you find confusing is because like when you're responding the way you are and communicating the way you are, he didn't want to see you hurting or sad or, you know, he's also confused too. So like he's also figuring this out and he's trying to set some healthy boundaries with you and he's trying to like distance himself, but you're hurting, you're expressing yourself. He doesn't want that to happen.

He's trying to say something that sounds nice, but doesn't lead you on and that seems impossible. So he doesn't even know how to respond to you. That's good insight. and that seems impossible. So he doesn't even know how to respond to you. And when he does, you're taking it, however, you're hopeful right now. You're heartbroken, you have a lot of hope and fears and you're reading into things. You're reading into things and he doesn't even know what the fuck he's saying

because he's just like, I don't know what to say to someone who's like, he's sending me all these messages. I'm like, holy shit. And he's just giving you the benefit of the doubt because he understands you're upset. I didn't think about it that way, but yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, it just, ultimately this takes time. How do we get you to stop sending the messages? Well, I've stopped for a few days, which I know sounds minimal, but it's the best I've done in like a few weeks. So I'm going no contact for now. Just, I have a bit of a confusing thing that I don't know if I should reach out about.

We adopted two cats together in hindsight. I think we moved a little fast, but we adopted two cats together. I have the two cats. I'm currently between jobs and he offered to pay half of it sounds, it sounds so silly, but half of the cat expenses. How much are the cat expenses? Like 200 a month, so it'd be like 100.

Can you afford to cover it on your end? Probably. Okay, so just do that. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, listen, I mean, this is like a mini divorce. You guys share custody of cats, but their good news is, I know a lot of people might disagree,

they're not human beings. And someone should just decide to get, who gets him in the divorce. It sounds like you get them into the divorce. Nice that he offered to pay, but like, you don't want that. Part of you wants that because listen, you love that he offered, it keeps him connected. You're kind of hoping that he wants to pay, but you don't want that. Part of you wants that because listen, you love that he offered, it keeps him connected, you're kind of hoping that he wants to fight with you

over the cats because it's like, then he gives a reason to hang out. But the mature part of you that you're having a hard time listening to understands, that it's not sustainable for you guys to share custody over cats. And it's not reasonable for have him to continue send you a hundred bucks a month for the cat expenses. He just wants, you know, again, he feels

bad by breaking up with you. He's probably also confused if he's making the right decision and he's offering this gesture to pay that you should just graciously thank him and say, you know, honestly, I appreciate the offer, but I do have it. And I'm going to assume that you should just graciously thank him and say, you know, honestly, I appreciate the offer, but I do have it. And I'm gonna assume that you'll get another job and until then you'll figure out how to take care of your cats appropriately. Maybe they skip on a grooming session, you know?

Maybe you let that litter box fill up a little bit more than you otherwise would. Yeah, it sounded silly saying out loud, but like I just had to get on it. I mean, that's like, I just want you to know these are very normal things in a breakup. People are always looking for reasons not to move on, whether it's cats or a hoodie,

or the stuff that their place that you need to get back. And so you schedule another time to go see them. And then what you ultimately hope is another conversation that you need to get back and so you schedule another time to go see them and then what you ultimately you hope is another conversation because you just finally figured out how to say the thing that you've been trying to say for so long that you couldn't fully articulate but now you know how to articulate it blah blah blah blah blah yes yeah that's all bullshit and it's never in the history of relationships ever got someone back together. True.

If you guys get back together, it will be because you guys put a pause on this, you have some distance and then one of you reaches back out and hopes that the distance, you know, like it's like, and that's usually, you know, and just so you know, if he comes back in six months and says, hey, I miss you, I want you back. I don't doubt that he misses you.

I don't doubt that he wants you back. Just know that right now, listen, and this is gonna sound harsh, but it's not meant to be harsh, but it's just black and white, right? Because you have acknowledged that you guys weren't getting along, you were fighting quite a bit,

you weren't getting through it, you know? And so he's thinking, I don't know, I don't think I should fight this much in a relationship with someone, you know, and so he made a decision to break up. If he calls back in six months or reaches out to you in six months, and I guess what I'm saying, on some level, he thinks he can do better. It's not better than you per se, but it's better than what he had with you. And he's probably right, right? Because you guys couldn't figure out. Did you guys do couples therapy or anything like that?

No, we should have. I wish we did. We would kind of talk about it and say that we should do it, but we never actually followed through. Okay, well, at least that's something. But like, okay, so like let's table that for a side. But like, cause there are some of you

could have done that you didn't do, but listen, also maybe like, maybe they're just not each other's person, you know, and it is the first relationship and you know, so, but that is an option. But I guess what I'm saying is he is, if he comes back and that means that he tried to do better and just didn't have enough of patience, because the reality is it took him

how long to find his first girlfriend, 29 years, it is a good chance it might take him, you know, a little bit more time to find his next girlfriend. Maybe not 29 years, it is a good chance it might take him, you know, a little bit more time to find his next girlfriend. Maybe not 29 years, but it's certainly not going to be, you know, it might not be a month from now. But just, you know how like, I'm going to make a weird analogy just came out of my head, but you know, like every vampire movie where like once the vampire like becomes a vampire

and they get a taste of the blood, they have that they crave the blood. You both now have a taste of the blood, they crave the blood, right? You both now have a taste of the relationship, you know? Before, it was easier to never have a boyfriend because you were like, I've never had a boyfriend, I don't know how great it is. And this downsides of having a relationship, but now you guys know there's benefits of having companionship and the regular sex

and the person to reach out to when you had a bad day. And there are gonna be things he misses about that come a month or two from now. You'll both, you'll both start forgetting about all the things that annoyed each other about each other. And you'll start missing the things that you can't find in anyone else. And so if he comes back, just know there's a part of him

that like, it's not that he really wants you back, he just really misses all the good things about what he had with you. And he would rather just, and he's gonna hope that all the problems you had go away. So it's not really about regret. It's just about not having the patience to see his decision through. I will say the caveat of the fact that like,

if, if he does reach back out, if you're still interested in a couple months, so let's say six months go by, you know, you've event, you've, you do the work, you've healed for the most part, you know, every once in a while he pops in your head, you miss him, but like you've, you may not be fully healed, but you, you're for the most part, you're doing okay, you've moved on. And then out of nowhere, he reaches out to you and it feels really good to hear from a guy to know he misses you, to know he's been thinking about you. And he's like, Hey, listen, can you want to get together for a

cup of coffee? You get together for a cup of coffee. He's like, hey, I've been thinking about, I don't know, we had something good, didn't we? Should we maybe give it a shot? And you're thinking, oh fuck, yes, oh my God, I'm so happy he's saying this. What's gonna be different is the question you both need to ask each other. Why will it be different?

Because it won't be unless you guys make it different. And you shouldn't, you know, it was like, well, I've grown, like really in six months? No, you haven't. We don't evolve that quickly as human beings, but you can say, well, listen, like I'm really, listen, I'm excited to hear you say this and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And I hope, you know, like, I don't know if he's gonna come back, but if he does, you just be like, we should consider couples therapy. We should, if we're gonna get back together, we need to do something different. It's our first time in a relationship. Maybe we are great together. Maybe we just don't know how to fight. Maybe we just were bad at communicating our frustrations and that caused

all the fights we were having and like maybe we need a third party person to help us through that. It may or may not fix your problems. I don't know. Like again, maybe your guys aren't just compatible, but I wouldn't get back together and hope that things will be different because they won't be. You actually have to do something different, but that's only if he does reach back out. There's also a chance that he is dating someone in two weeks and that will rattle your cage. But again, he's now used to a relationship. So it wouldn't shock me if he jumps into the next available opportunity he has. And again, that won't be something and then your ego will be hurt. You'll be upset. You'll be hurt. You'll ask, Oh my God, another thing meant anything, you know, that has nothing to do with your

relationships over right now. He is trying to move on and moving on includes dating other people. And he's going to think I got to date other, I got to date someone else to get over her. And even if it's just having the companionship. So you have to just anticipate that and not make a bad situation worse and go down, you know, send him 18 more messages about his new girlfriend that you can't fucking stand or what it means to you or what,

and accuse him of things that he's like, what the fuck? I thought we were broken up. It's a strong possibility. He's gonna have a new girlfriend in a short period of time, and it's gonna feel a certain way to you. But that's just him trying, he's just figuring it out. It's not that, you know what I'm saying?

Yes. He's just trying, and he's not assigning any meaning to what you guys had. What you had, you know what you meant to each other? I can tell you what you meant to each other. You were each other's first, and that will always be special for the both of you, and you guys taught a lot about love and relationships

and that can be special if you want it to be, but what he does from here on forward has nothing to do with the memory of your relationship. Okay, it just gets a little complicated because we met through mutual friends. Okay, and then what, and we share these mutual friends today still? Yeah, there are some of his friends that I knew before him

that I've been friends with, so it's nothing personal. And then some of my friends got to know him through me, but I don't think they're keeping a friendship. Okay, so yeah, that'll work itself out, you know? Okay. You have to like fight against figuring out ways to reach out to people he's really friends with and telling yourself, well, I'm friends with them too now. So I don't have to give, you know what I'm saying? Like people in your shoes would potentially do that.

So prioritize your friends, but these people who are more his friends, let them be his friends. Well, they, they've been my friends for a while. Like they even came to my birthday party a couple of weeks ago. Like it's nothing personal. Um, it's just like, I knew them before I even knew. So like, just kind of separate the two and just keep it, keep it friendly. Don't use them as a way to ask about him or, you know, things like that. Just, you know, and then it'll work itself out.

Okay. And I do have a question. So one of the things that like, we didn't agree about certain things, like he knows that he always wants to live five minutes from his family. I wasn't sure that I wanted to do that. He wanted kids. That's crazy, by the way.

Yeah. He wanted kids. I mean, five minutes, like not 10, What about seven? Can you leave seven minutes from his family? What if there's traffic? That was a big issue in our relationship. Like his mom would always call when we were out. And then if he didn't answer,

she'd call me just to talk to him to check in. Okay, well. I don't know. Like certain things bother me, but he said he's planted here and wants to be around his family. When we were looking to move, like I looked at 30 minutes away just cause it was cheaper,

it was more affordable, and that was like the end of the world. But maybe he could have considered like 15 minutes, but I don't know, I'm very adventurous and like I don't know that I always wanna live here. So that's like- Yeah, so sounds like, yeah, maybe he was, you know, like bit of a mama's boy on a healthy, unhealthy level.

His mom's probably the reason why he's never had a girlfriend. Yeah, I think so. Yeah, and like I just really didn't like his sister and I wasn't cool about it, which is something I should have gotten past too. But another thing is he wanted kids and I didn't. Okay. But.

That's a big deal. Now I'm unsure, but like I know that it's probably just my brain reeling because the relationship ended recently and that was like a big thing. But if in like a few months or like in a year, I know I want kids. Do you think that's something to consider reaching out to him about, or just to kind of. No, you didn't break up because you don't want to have kids. Okay. I think you, the fact that you are pretty sure you don't want to have kids and he's pretty

sure is, I think is a sign that in your first relationship, you weren't considering your non-negotiables or your pet peeves. And it's your first relationship, so you were just trying to enjoy your first relationship. But now your second relationship, where you want to live, if religion is or isn't important to you, how political you are, do you want to have kids? Like what are your core values that are really important to you? You should know what those are. And you know, you can have some, you know, you have to know how flexible you are and then how flexible they are, you know. If you are dating someone who's like, I'm not moving more than five minutes away from mom

and you're like, well, I wanna keep my options open or I have a career that might take me somewhere and I care about my career, blah, blah, blah, that's a problem for you. You're right, yeah. Love doesn't conquer all, first time dad here. But like as far as kids, and I don't know what it's like to be a woman

and you know, and I don't have to consider a lot of things you will have to consider if you have kids, but who knows what the future holds for you. So maybe as far as the kids go, you know, unless you are again, still 100% sure that you don't wanna have kids, maybe a more honest answer is like, I don't know if kids are in my future

and I wanna be honest about that, but you know, as opposed to I know if kids are in my future. And I want to be honest about that. But, you know, as opposed to I know kids aren't in my future. True. That's a huge difference. But if someone is like, I, you know, that's more of an issue for someone else. Like if your next guy you meet is like, I know I really want to have kids. I would, my advice to him is to like, maybe not hope you change your mind, but just be prepared for that person to not stop wanting to have kids.

Yeah. Yeah. I think I was just like at a point, like I've been kind of between jobs for a bit and it's, it's just been a lot. So like, I know kids are like a big fiscal responsibility. So just like, I think that kind of affected my outlook as well as like the physical component too. But yeah, yeah, it's something to figure out. Yeah. Well, listen, it's 2024 and certainly women don't need men to have kids. But as far as, you know, maybe just worry when you have stability that you're looking for, however that stability is, whether that's stability in a relationship

or your partner or whatever, or other ways, then you can think about what you want to do with that stability and if kids are in your future. Okay, I like that, I like that a lot. And then how do I know when I'm ready to move on? Like I know that I'm not right now, but like I don't know how to know. How long has it been? It's been two months since the breakup.

Okay, well you've still been sending them messages. So there's an argument to be made that you haven't really tried to move on yet. So even though it's been two months, you're not doing things to help you out. So you've kind of wasted two months on some level. A lot of people do that. So don't give yourself a hard time. But you know, you're right. If you really are committed to moving on from him and you were to,

I mean, if I were you, I would block him, remove him from social media, block his number so you can't text him. I would delete his number, you know, protect you from you. And focus on, you know, make a list of things that, you know, because this is your new first relationship. Really think about what you're, what's important to you in your life. What are your values? What are things about your relationship? I mean, the fact that, like, I would start with mom.

That's what I would start with to get over this guy. Because it sounds like that's a big, I bet if we dived more into it, you would probably tell me more stories about like how immature or how dependent he is on mom and on maybe how unhealthy that relationship is. But mom calling him obsessively on dates and not getting a hold of him and then calling you and then not being willing to move more than five minutes away from mom is intense.

And it's not normal behavior. And there's some, you know, unhealthy attachment with mom. And it sounds like a relationship relationship but you would never be number one. Yes, I literally said that before, even when I was in the relationship. Okay, well, that's how you start getting over him, right? You accept that this is who he is. It's not something that was ever gonna change. You're not gonna convince him to change.

You even tried to convince him. You've probably had plenty of fights with him about this. He chose his mom. Like if you going to lose anyone, you might as well lose to mom. Your ego's a little protected. It's another girl. His next girlfriend will also lose to mom. That can make you feel a little bit better. You start there. Then when you miss him, you focus on all the fights, what you weren't happy with. You acknowledge what you miss is not so much him, but the companionship of a boyfriend. And when you do miss him, you remind yourself of all the

times you got frustrated, starting with his relationship with his mom and his relationship with his sister. And then you will tell yourself, I'm going to get over this. I'm going to be okay. Eventually you'll start believing those things. You're not going to believe it now because it doesn't feel right or feel normal. You're still very connected to him through all these messages that you're sending him. So you stop that. You stop reaching out to him. You know, if you really commit to this, a week from now will feel like an eternity of not reaching out to him.

And now your new normal won't be communicating with him. It will be not having him in your life. When you reach out to him, he's still in your life. You're still very much invested. And you have to every day, to get over someone, every day needs to include more of your energy that you didn't commit to either thinking about him or talking to him or sending him messages because that keeps you emotionally invested in the relationship. If every day you spend a little less time thinking about him or interacting with him or his mom or whatever and you replace that with something else,

you know, more and more time will go by that if you continue that behavior for two months, you'll know. When you try moving on, you know, when you realize that it's no longer an obsession. Yeah, that's the word for it. Yeah, I appreciate this advice. It's really helpful. You don't have to be fully healed. You don't have to be totally not sad to accept a date.

But know that if you are not totally over it, that going on a date might make you miss him, right? Because while he might have been a mama's boy and he might've had an unhealthy relationship with his mom, you were comfortable with him. He understood you to a certain point. You felt like you could be yourself around him to a certain extent.

And when it comes to a date, I mean, hell, that's a complete stranger. And there's a chance they're gonna say or do something off-putting or weird or make you feel awkward. And then you're just like, oh, I hate this. I want to go back to feeling comfortable and normal and like not worrying about what to say or what they're going to say. And that's going to make you think that he is better than he was.

But when that happens, you remind yourself, no, wait, I'm sorry. Like, actually, if I were around him right now, his mom would be calling me. Yeah. You know, so you just remind yourself of that. Right. And so, and then the 28 year old version of you, the adult version of you can, even though you don't have a lot of experience, can recognize that it's going to take a couple, it's going to take some time. You don't have to go on a few dates. You're going to take a couple swings. You're going to have to

meet a few frogs and your next boyfriend might not show up in your life for a couple of years. But in the meantime, you can date men, you can go out with them, you can get to know them, and then what you should be focusing on going forward is meeting people, not men. People can include men, but just get to know them. And remember what you liked about him. Remember what you liked about how he made you feel. And then know that you still want that with other men.

And then think about what you didn't like, what you don't want in your next relationship. And then you just try to find that. Yeah, absolutely. You're right. Because I definitely wasn't perfect. I don't like the way I handled certain things, but definitely a good learning experience for sure.

Yeah, and use that time to focus on what you would like to change about yourself and how you handle situations. And use that energy that you're now invested in to sending them 18 messages and to thinking about your behavior. Absolutely yeah hearing that out loud I did need to be held accountable for sure and hearing that out loud definitely makes me do a double take. Well you seem like a more than reasonable person and you seem like you have a pretty good head on your shoulders despite this being your first time so just to stop doing what you know

is not okay behavior. Yes, you're right. Block is number, you can't text someone 18 times if it's blocked. And like, listen, you just have to get to that moment, that moment that when you say, should I send this? And you ignore yourself and send it anyways? You just, I don't know, you gotta figure out

how to not do that. Yeah, maybe writing it down, like you said, is a good idea, like writing a letter or- Yeah, just write it on a piece of that. Yeah, maybe writing it down like you said is a good idea. Like writing a letter or... Yeah, just write it down on a piece of paper. Yeah. Like you just said, like texting it to my Google voice number or something like that. Because all you are is just you need to get it out and just know sending it to him isn't... It is proven to have accomplished nothing other than confuse him, make him feel bad and then sometimes confuse you. Yes, exactly. But it doesn't change the problem with his mom, it doesn't change how much you guys fought, it doesn't change his uncertainty about how you guys aren't compatible.

Just makes him feel bad. Okay. All right. And it makes you feel bad too. It does, yeah. Because you know, what I'm hearing is you're sad about the breakup, you're upset maybe with him, but you understand again, like why he did what he did. And the more I hear about him, the more I'm thinking he's not your guy okay yeah all right

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My name is Casey. I'm 31 and my boyfriend likes his three stuffed animals more than he likes me. Okay. Can you elaborate? So there's a lot to it, but basically I was divorced and I was divorced a year ago and I started dating again and I was in my first relationship since the divorce, so started dating the boyfriend end of June. And as of literally like two days ago,

I ended up breaking up with him because of very interesting red flags and differences as we'll get into. So he's not, he's no longer your boyfriend? Correct. But I'm over here missing him like sad, you know, scared and I do the right thing. So that's kind of where I'm at and why I wrote in.

Okay. So other than like him being into stuffed animals, what do you mean by some of this? Why did you break up with them? So the main thing I would say is I never realized I need like someone who is ambitious and a provider, anyone I've ever dated before, or my ex-husband, they always have those qualities. And I've worked super hard to be where I'm at. I have a great career. I'm financially stable, debt-free, et cetera. There are just huge differences that I've seemed to notice

just as I started dating him longer. He kind of lacks ambition. He's not really a provider. You know, I don't need someone to make as much money as me or necessarily more money than me. I just want someone who like is ambitious and wants more for him, his future and his family. So like, there's multiple examples that kind of tie into that.

And then also like he's two years younger than me, which isn't a big deal. He's 29. I'm 31. But I feel like there's a lot of like, immaturity levels there. He does, like I said, have three stuffed animals, Foss that he loves. Foss children, a little weird, something that I couldn't get on board with. How old is he? He's 29. Okay. So other than lack of ambition, what else? Um, he's 29. Yeah. So other than lack of ambition, what else? He's a great guy.

I just feel like we're not on the same page. I've been through a lot. You know, I was married for three and a half years. My next step was starting a family. We were trying for a baby. Um, you cheated on me. Okay. Yeah. So, so cheated on me with a coworker and that's why we separating a divorce, but

you know, like I'm ready for that next step. Like I know what I want. Going through that, you know, I don't want settle. And I feel like, you know, it's my new partner. That's what I would have been doing. Essentially, it's all right. And you got divorced a year ago? I got divorced. Well, July when I started dating

the new boyfriend, it was the July of last year. I'm sorry. Oh, OK. OK the year. July of last year, I'm sorry, 2011. Oh, okay, okay, okay. Yeah, no, no. And that's when it was like finalized or that's when you left your husband? So we separated in July and then sold our home and all of that and then it was finalized in the fall.

So finalized period. Okay, okay, all right. Where are you with your, do you speak with your ex-husband at all anymore? No, we don't know. I mean, what was that process like for you? I mean, it doesn't seem you're calling about specifically, but like, granted, it's been a year and a half, but you're talking as if like, despite it, I'm assuming that was a hurtful time that you're almost like,

you don't seem like you're mourning that relationship much at all. Like you're almost like, was the infidelity almost like the nail in the coffin? But like, you're mourning that relationship much at all. Like you're almost like, was the infidelity almost like the nail in the coffin, but like, you're not giving the impression that divorce was like devastating to you. It was. Okay, what was it? It was, I just, I took the time to work on myself

and better myself and no, it was devastating. But I think what I realized is my ex-husband and I, we weren't compatible in a lot of ways. And I wasn't happy to meet my needs needs and I've learned a lot about that. Okay, well good. Yeah, and I think what it comes down to Nick is like I'm more in my old life. Like, you know, I had the house, I had like,

I had it all, like essentially like I, we were trying for, you know, going to start a family and I was gonna be a mom and all of that. So like there's times I I mourn my old life, but I don't mourn him. Well, that makes sense, okay. Well, it's, you seem like you have a very kind of healthy approach on that, and you're processing

your feelings regarding your divorce. Why can't you do that in this situation? I think because, truthfully, I'm a people pleaser. I never put myself before others, and I knew deep down in my guts that like my Relationship I just came out of wasn't it and I wanted it to be like I'm like a fixer I want to fix people like all the all the normal things, you know But I think I've never truly listened to my gut or my intuition

And this time I did and it's scary because like it sucks Like I don't want to be alone again, like I'm about to be 32 in a month Like it's not fun, you know, and but I just need to think like okay, like yes, he's a good guy Yes, he makes me happy but long term It's not it. Yeah, and I think but like I am nervous because I've never done that before I've always been the one to get broken up with or like the spouse cheating, all of that. Like, I mean, it was over, but like I've never been the one breaking up with someone.

So this is first thing for me. And I think I'm hoping I don't regret it. And I'm like, what if I made a mistake? Like, cause he is a good guy. Like I know he would care about me. I know he'd love me. I know he would be loyal to me, but I think- How do you, I mean, how do you know all those things?

Just the kind of guy he is and his character. Okay. And that's like what's hard. Fair enough. Semantics maybe I'm nitpicking, but I'm big on like the language we use when we speak to ourselves or to other people about people or our situations.

And so, you're asking me, basically this is a question about how to process this decision you made and how to feel confident in your decisions. So with that being said, you could say, if I were you, I would adjust your language about how you speak about him and who he is,

as opposed to saying, I know he would never do that. I mean, first of all, you can't predict the future, but the person you got to know, you really liked, and he seemed like he had high character, and he seemed like he would be loyal and faithful in all those things. That's better language to speak with yourself than saying, I know he's like this.

You're making your decision unnecessarily difficult when you speak as if you know that you're 100% certain about who this person is and what he is or won't do. When you might have a pretty good guess, but you've only known him for three months. More specifically, like really, this is progress, right? Like, listen, this is not even that big of a deal. It's funny because when you first called in

and you were like, hey, I got this boyfriend, you know, stuffed animals. Also, I just got out of divorce and I started this dating guy last July. I was kind of make a joke and jump in and be like, do you have any advice for all the other people who call in who have been single for, I don't know, X number of years and talk about how difficult it is to find anyone.

And we have so many people call in and part of their problem when they meet someone is like, I haven't liked anyone in three or four years and now I'm dealing with this guy and he's not amazing, but, I haven't liked anyone in three or four years, and now I'm dealing with this guy and he's not amazing, but like I haven't liked anyone in three or four years. And so I'm being somewhat sarcastic, but my guess, you're not having a hard time meeting people. It doesn't seem like,

or maybe you just got lucky with this one guy. I don't know how you see it, but when I'm hearing your story, I see someone who's like, wow, I mean like, shit, you got divorced, you dealt with this very difficult situation, you finally got cheated on. You chose to deal with your problem, approach it,

work on yourself, understand your situation. Yeah, it was hurtful to be cheated on, but instead of playing the victim in your mind and kind of sulking and feeling bad for yourself and telling yourself, I can't believe this happened to me, you instead chose to do what we talk about on the show all the time is to like, just maybe now's the time to be honest with yourself

about what that relationship really was and now here you are despite, you know, having the house and having the lifestyle and a type of life that you still desire to have, you were able to see that maybe that relationship and that person, even if they chose not to do what they did, wasn't your person, you know, and maybe you weren't as compatible with them as you, you know, wished you were and that you weren't as happy, you know, you had the house, you

had the lifestyle, but the life itself wasn't what you wanted it to be, right? Yeah. You did that. And then you met a guy, you liked a lot of things about him, you decided to jump in a relationship. Some things came up you didn't like, some red flags, most specific, nothing really horrible, right? Not kind of the stuff animal things, a little weird, whatever, but you know that a non-negotiable for you is that you want you want a motivated driven

ambitious person and that's important to you and that's okay. And you know that despite also wanting other things in a partner that your husband didn't have, the things that he did have his ambition and drive and focus are things that you still want in your next relationship, right? Right. So you've only dated one guy since your husband and it's this guy, right? I mean it's only been maybe you've been on a couple of dates but for the most part you've dated one other guy, yeah? This guy? Yeah. So it's like your question was how do I know I made the right decision? Well you know more than anyone, certainly more than me, about what you think you need in a relationship.

And you are demonstrating some really healthy choices in how you've processed these relationships. So what I'm hearing is you should keep doing more of the same. And then, you know, just like you said, you don't miss your ex-husband, you miss that life. You can say, yeah, I miss my ex boyfriend's companionship. He was definitely fun. He was this, he was that.

These are all nice qualities. And honestly, he seems like a solid guy. And I don't wanna like set him up, but you know what I'm saying? Like you're not saying, you're not going on like some blog being like ladies heads up, never date this guy, he's dangerous. You know what I'm saying?

You're just like good guy, not my guy. And you're not 22 anymore. You're not in the business of like, I like him, like fuck it, let's figure it out, let's find out, let's just date for a while. You're 31, you have some urgency coming out of the divorce, you know even more what you want now, right? And so you just don't have a lot of quote unquote

time to waste on people who are good for you but not great for you. And that's, you know, you just have to believe in your decision, unless you think the decision, you know, the reasons you made the decision are flawed and I'm not hearing that. You're just- No, I just, does it make me a bad person

that like I want more for my life? Like he's made comments like I would be content living in a three bedroom apartment raising kids and you know I would be content like he makes significantly less money than me which is fine and I don't like I said like I don't need someone to like no it doesn't make you but it's not really about money it's about I I'm hearing from you that you are seeing, like his reasoning for saying I'm comfortable living in a three bedroom apartment, you know, listen, I'm guessing that if you were to see his ambition and other aspects of his life,

you would just think that it would be weird that he maybe wants to live in a three bedroom apartment and you're just wondering why that's such a unique take. But like his reasoning for doing this has more to do with the fact that he's just saying, I can't have what I really want, and I guess I'm just kind of comfortable with what I can get, and I'm not interested

in pursuing more for myself or for the person to end up with, and it's that last part that you're bothered by, that lack of ambition, that lack of setting a big goal and going for it. You know, like he's very comfortable with where he's at and where he's at is not where you want to be or where you want to go. And does that make, no, that doesn't make you a bad person.

Okay, yeah. But it does require you to have a little bit more patience than you're willing to have. But like just know whatever you're doing in terms of meeting people is, is working out more than it was working out for other people. You know, we'll see.

We'll see. I mean, like I said, like I tried, I tried and, and then like the sloths is a whole other, it's a whole other moral part. That is just weird. The what? The sloths, like Nick, he moves them around his apartment with them. They, he tucks them into bed, like sleeps with them and like moves them around his apartment with him. He tucks them in the bed, like sleeps with them and like moves them on the couch and like talks to them.

And it's just weird. Like I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it. Like that's not normal, right? Yeah, but more specifically, mine is like trying to make fun of something that we find weird, but it's more from if we're just trying to use this as like a data point to try to maybe understand who this person is,

it fits in with the narrative that you're painting or it fits in with the picture you're painting about someone who's kind of not really grown up and he has very boyish behavior and very immature behavior and no one challenged him to want more for himself and he literally has stuffed animals. And that is not giving someone with major ambition. And so that I also would probably like,

again, that's why I would question why you know this guy so much in terms of what he would never do for you or do to you or whatever. Is this that like, I don't know, his gentleness probably stems from his immaturity on some level. Yeah, thank you, that makes sense.

Yeah, I don't know if I'm, my advice to you is just trust your gut and instincts a little bit more. I mean, what you went through in that divorce to get cheated on and to say goodbye to a life that you really enjoyed and found really comfortable is not easy to do. And the fact that you for the most part seemingly have processed that,

and the way you're saying to me, all sounds like pretty healthy decision making on your part. I would do more of the same. And maybe give yourself a little bit more grace in terms of like your, like I get it, you know, biological clock, you want kids, you're in your early 30s, but that is still, you're still young. I know I'm not your gynecologist,

and I know I'm not giving you opinions on family planning here, but like generally speaking, you're a young person. And I don't think you need to be in the business of making drastic concessions about who your life partner and hopefully father to your children are because you're concerned about your biological clock or because you're 31.

I still think you can practice patience, give yourself grace to continue to work on yourself, be open to meeting people. But like, you know, you fired fast. And when it comes to dating, that's a good quality to have for the barf part. And I don't think this is a situation where you're running through a bunch of guys

and your friends are like, yeah, you're like really picky and you're always finding a reason not to like these guys. Like this isn't it. This is, you know, you're needing a motivated guy. I think that's okay. That's not a pet peeve, that's a non-negotiable. That's like a character trait about someone who like, you need to know that they have the drive to,

that somewhat matches yours. Otherwise that is gonna be a constant thing that you guys are disagreeing on and arguing with. And it will, you will have a hard time setting goals with someone who isn't in the same ballpark of your ambition. Yeah, no, that makes sense. So, I don't think you made a good decision. Okay, well, I really appreciate that, thank you.

Have you been reaching out to this boyfriend at all or are you guys still talking? No. Okay. No, I can't. I just have to be strong and I can't, I can't. Well, good. I mean, that's good.

That's you enforcing a boundary for yourself. I mean, again, you're doing, it sounds like you're doing all the right things. So just like you can say to yourself and acknowledge, I miss the life I have, but I don't miss him, your ex-husband. You can miss the companionship that you've enjoyed with this new guy for the past three months,

whatever, you know, whether it was the intimacy or just having someone to go out to dinner with, whatever it was you enjoyed, you can miss that. That's okay to miss, because I'm sure there were fun times to miss. But what you're not going to do is what you did with your ex-husband is ignore obvious red flags,

things you know that you just don't want in a long-term boyfriend. Was it something you could put up with at 22? When it was more like, ah, someday I want to get married and have kids, but I'm only 22. Now it's like, hey, listen, I don't need to marry and have kids

with the next guy I meet in a dating app, but I don't have time to waste with people who in the first five or six months make it pretty clear that we're just not as compatible as I hoped we would be. Yeah. No, that's a good point. You're right. All right.

Yeah. I like, yeah. No, thank you. I really appreciate it. All right. All right. Well, good luck out there and yeah, just keep, keep dating. I mean, like I said, you're having more success meeting people you're even interested in pursuing

than the average caller. I'm trying. We'll see. Well, keep going. It sounds like you're making a lot of healthy choices. And I think if you just insert a little bit of patience and slash a lot of patience, because I don't know what a little patience means to you,

but listen, it might be a year or two before, or more before you meet your person, and just keep trusting those instincts. I like that you're meeting people that you're willing to get to know, and I like that you're not wasting, you're not taking a year or two before you start addressing things that,

again, are for you non-negotiables. Yeah, no, definitely. And that was a non-negotiable that I didn't realize I had until I didn't have it in a partner. Correct me if I'm wrong. If this new boyfriend had whatever ambition that you wanted, that you were attracted to his ambition, and maybe he was making relatively the same as you,

or more importantly, had a career track or a plan of some kind. And again, his ambition was clear to you. The sloth thing, the stuffed puppet thing, whatever it would still be weird, but we probably wouldn't be, we would be talking about that in terms of like, that's more of a pet peeve. I mean, it, maybe it's a non-negotiable, but at first it just like is a quirky thing that he does. And I'm guessing you wouldn't break, oh, I've broken up with him, yeah?

Cause you broke up with him because of his lack of ambition, I'm hearing. Is that accurate or no? Or no? Mostly yes. Yeah. Yeah. And I don't think that stuff animals helped.

I mean, all these like pet peeves that you also noticed, but the lack of ambition and knowing that he wasn't someone who just kind of fit your mindset of the type of life that you want, that seemed like a healthy decision, you know? Well, thank you. Yeah, you're right. And, you know, the stuff that you find obnoxious or annoying or slightly weird, you know,

those are often pet peeves, and those sometimes require you to ask more questions and understand, you know, why are often pet peeves and those sometimes inquire you to ask more questions and understand, you know, why they do what they do. And if it's just like, oh, well, I guess this is like a weird bad habit that ultimately like doesn't change who they are as a person and it doesn't change how much I care about them or that the fact that I think they're just a really good person that they and they bring to the table a lot of things I want in a relationship then you can learn to accept those pet peeves. Yeah that makes sense. All right well thanks for the call. Thank you. All right take care. All right bye bye. Thanks for listening we will be back tomorrow with Ina Parker, Chandler, Kenny,

Shannon and Bador on Thursday, Jaleo White also you may know him as Steve Erkel. We got a jam pack week for you. So tune in. We'll see you tomorrow. Don't forget to send us those questions at asknick at TheValFiles.com. Bye.