The Viall Files - E834 Ask Nick - I Blocked My Best Friend

Episode Date: November 4, 2024

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! This week, we get straight into our callers. Our first caller’s husband cheated on her five years ago, but she forgave him. Our second caller’s girlfriend’s sister hates her. And, our third caller blocked her best friend because they wanted her to pay for their car repair.  “I’m looking for redirection, I want to forgive.” Listen to Humble Brag with Cynthia Bailey and Crystal Kung Minkoff every Monday starting October 21st! Available wherever you get your podcasts and YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@humblebragpod  https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/humble-brag-with-crystal-and-cynthia/id1774286896 https://open.spotify.com/show/4NWA8LBk15l2u5tNQqDcOO?si=c03a23d537f94735 Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice, send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: ShipStation - Go to https://shipstation.com and use code VIALLFILES to sign up for your FREE 60-day trial. Quince - Upgrade your wardrobe with pieces made to last with Quince. Go to https://quince.com/viall for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Helix Sleep - Helix is offering 25% off sitewide and 2 free dream pillows with any mattress purchase! Go to https://helixsleep.com/viall  Goodwipes - If you want to upgrade your restroom ritual, you can grab Goodwipes at Target, Walmart, Kroger, and most local grocery stores! Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall @justinkaphillips @dereklanerussell @kymccarthy23 @allisonklemes  

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pop culture moms, find it wherever you get your podcasts. You're crazy. What's going on everybody? Welcome back to the podcast. I'm your host, Matt. And I'm your host, Matt. And I'm your host, Matt. And I'm your host, Matt. And I'm your host, Matt. And I'm your host, Matt. And I'm your host, Matt. And I'm your host, Matt. And I'm your host, Matt. What's going on everybody?

Welcome back to another exciting episode of the Vilefiles Ask Nick edition. Well, we are super excited to get to our calls because they are wild, outrageous, and fascinating. But before we do, don't forget to send in your questions to asknick at the Vile Files dot com. It's time for caller number one. Question time with Nick. Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going? I'm good. How are you? Good. What's your name? My name is Anna and I'm 35 years old.

How can we help Anna? Well, so my husband cheated on me while I was pregnant about five years ago. And while I chose to forgive him, I'm having a hard time moving on. Okay, is there any context you want to provide regarding the affair? I know it was five years ago, but whatever you want to do, but like give me the cliff notes of the affair, so to speak, and then what happened, I guess, you know, what led to your decision to ultimately forgive him and try to work through this betrayal? All I know is it was an emotional affair. I have never gotten the full outline.

Why not? No, I mean, I know what he tells me, which he says that it was just emotional, that wasn't physical. And I mean, we've done endless marriage counseling, endless. Like we're therapy king and queens over here. And it was emotional. In therapy, he confirmed it was emotional you know in therapy he

confirmed it was emotional so I only have that and I only have the evidence that I have I don't have you know like video of it obviously I just have text messages and that kind of stuff so it was five years, but the problem was I was newly pregnant when it started. And I did not handle pregnancy well at all. I was a troll. And so, yeah, it kind of just, obviously he fell into it. It lasted a really long time, you know, just lie after lie after lie. How'd you find out?

So, you know, I'm on an iMacbook and he obviously had his phone, iPhone connected to the MacBook. Gotcha. So the classic, you were on the iPad type of thing. Yeah, yeah, okay. Exactly. All right. And then also at the time he was on my phone plan. So with that, you get the records. Okay. So. And when you say you were pregnant, you were a troll.

What do you mean by that? I mean, I just, I wasn't good pregnant either, pregnancies. I just, I, my emotions, my hormones. I mean, I know it happens to every pregnant person, but I just like completely was not myself. Are you like suggesting like you were just kind of mean to him?

Are you saying that? Oh, yeah. Not mean, I'm not a mean person, but like, you know, you just, you don't have patience, you're not sleeping. You were more reactive than you feel like you normally are and he got the brunt of it kind of thing? Exactly. Gotcha, okay.

Gotcha, okay. Totally. So you found out through the MAC, right? And then you said it was going on for a while. What do you, like, did it continue? Like how long into your pregnancy did you find this out? Pretty soon. I would say maybe like three months in, I found out.

You confronted him, yes? And then you confronted them, yes. And then I confronted them. When people say peaks and valleys, like this was more like outer space in the Earth's core. Like it was, you know, earth shattering. But yeah, I confronted them. We immediately went to therapy and it was the classic game of, you know, don't worry, it's over. I've stopped communication. And then, you know, I would just keep finding things.

When you said you kept finding things, does that mean like you just- Because that communication wasn't over. Oh, I see. So after you caught him, he still kept talking to this person. Yeah. It went on for probably about, well basically the entire pregnancy and then maybe a year. She was about a year. Oh okay and then yeah and then we obviously

worked through that and then um. But the whole, your whole pregnancy he claimed to be done with it and you kept finding out that he wasn't? Yeah. Okay. And then what was he? It was wrong. Yeah. It was wrong. And then I guess every time you,

I guess, found out he was lying, what happened? Yeah, it was terrible. It was like a wild storm. You know, like I would go for the jugular, obviously. Well, I don't care how you handled it right now. I mean, within reason. You said both times, you have two kids?

I do. Did this happen the first or the second pregnancy? The first. The first, okay. And then the second pregnancy, as far as you know. Yeah. So anyways, flash forward to now, you know, five years ago, we have a great marriage. I mean, like, we have a beautiful property.

You know, he has his own business. He keeps us afloat. I stay at home with the kids. It was a great second pregnancy. You're obviously getting emotional. Why is, I mean, without the obvious question, but this was five years ago. So, and you're speaking about this,

it's quite honestly, it was like maybe five months ago. Why is this so triggering for you? Well, I guess just like when you live in a toxic relationship, your children pick that up, you know? And so I'm just like trying to figure out what way to go. Because like when we fight now, like I have this like sense of like power feeling where I feel like I'm owed like every fight he should have to bow down to me. Yeah. And I know that's not okay. And I mean, like honestly, Nick, we've gone through so much counseling and your advice is substantially better

than all of our therapists. Well, it's generous of you to say. You've had multiple therapists? Yes. Just out of curiosity, and this is not to shirk my ego, but I'm genuinely curious. What is something that you heard from our show that you found very helpful

that you wish you would have heard in therapy or something you've heard in therapy that you found to be almost unhelpful? You know what I'm saying? I am curious. I just think you're your complete outlook on like you see bullshit as bullshit and you know, just kind of how to redirect. And in my case, I think I just need a little redirection. Like you are able to kind of redirect people to, you know, from self-sabotaging. Sure. You know, and kind of re, you're just, you're very real.

Okay, well, I appreciate you saying. I'm just getting the sense from you, if the conversation were to stop right now and I had to make a guess about why you're feeling the way you're feeling, it comes down to deep down you're still not sure if you know the entire truth. Yes and she has a few months ago she reached back out and she's blocked on his phone but again I was on the Macbook and I I don't know why or how but blocked. Yes. This can still come through. Yeah. So I saw the message of her you know reaching back out. What did she say? She just

like made a joke she must have seen us driving or something. And she was kind of just like, oh, I bet that co-pilot isn't as much fun. How did you address it with your husband? Honestly, I knew she was blocked. This is also the thing is like we have full communication trust. Like we have each other's passwords. You know, we both aren't active on social media.

We're just so open now. Like, it's not an issue now that I don't trust. So when she messaged again, I asked permission to respond off of his phone. And I just like I responded to her. And that was kind of that. What'd you say? You know, that your message got through, that you're blocked on all platforms. Um, I said, does your partner cause she also has children. So I just said, does your partner know that you're still reaching out? You need therapy and you need therapy for your kids.

Okay. Did she respond? No. Right. I. Gotcha. What does your husband say to this? you need therapy and you need therapy for your kids. Okay, did she respond? No, I just walked there. What did your husband say to this? How did he react to her reaching out? Oh, he let me do my thing, like he was totally fine with it. No, no, no, I know that, but I'm curious, how did he, if I'm you, I would be curious

about his body language. At this point, so many years later, assuming there's been healing, assuming that there is genuine regret for his actions, assuming there's some clarity in terms of why he did what he did when he did it, I would hope to see frustration on his end, anger almost. I would hope that he would almost be triggered by this and then I would hope that he would be ultra empathetic to you and check in with you and make sure, hey, how are you doing? Are you okay with this?

Very, very attentive to your emotional needs and feelings and a kind of self-awareness of what this, of her reaching out could do. And did you feel taken care of by him in this moment emotionally when she reached out? You know, yes, I did. Okay, all right, that's a good sign. Totally, but one of our issues is when there's a dust-up

in the home, we're very big on, you know, if our child does happen to hear or see an argument, we like to show the resolution side of it so that they know how to resolve. But again, our arguments now are not just surface level arguments. They're like, like I said, there's peaks and valleys. These are outer space to Earth's core. But this is happening right now when you guys fight. There's some big blow ups.

Totally. And are the big blow ups coming from both parties or are they coming from you? I want to say both parties, but I feel like I'm probably the root of it. Where do you, just if you had to guess, where do you think that's coming from? Honestly, just what happened. When we fight, I feel like I'm owed this. I'm owed the win.

Sure, well, I'm like, that's human. What are you guys fighting about? The everyday stuff, like the everyday stuff. The who does more. I'm a mom at home, he's out in the work industry. Our therapist would always say, we're shooting at the same net. It doesn't matter how many goals each party scores so that kind of stuff and then obviously I'm still hung up so I

escalated and I guess I'm just like worried that like what we've salvaged like if I'll blow that up well it's not. I'm a mom and I'm a mess. Yeah. Listen, I guess everything you're feeling is normal. So there's that, right? I mean, yeah. So right now, like I'm struggling to understand where you're coming from and just bear with me just because maybe I'm just not hearing is just like, you keep reiterating how healthy

your relationship is. Yes, kind of. But your everything, your body language and obviously your state of mind right now is suggesting that it's not as healthy as you want to believe it is. Totally. So basically I just, I'm, you know, I need a guy's perspective of like, if I can't move past the past. Which part are you having the hardest time moving past from? What's your confidence level that you know

the whole truth of what happened? Oh, I am not confident. But I feel like more of what is hard to move past. Like a woman never forgets how their partner treated them during pregnancy and into postpartum. Like you just never forget that. Yeah. And I guess on some level you feel like

you haven't gotten what you deserved in terms of... Yeah, just- I don't wanna say compensation because I don't feel like that's even what you deserved in terms of, I don't wanna say compensation, because I don't feel like that's even what you're looking for, but like true regret on his part? Maybe. Like why does he, like if he were on this call today, what do you think he would say to me asking,

how could you possibly keep this going throughout the pregnancy after you got caught? Why did you need to do that? I think he would probably just try to justify it still. He would? Yeah, I do. What is your understanding through therapy in terms of why he did what he did?

My understanding is that obviously there was needs that weren't being met on both parts. We were kind of, I mean, we've been together for so long, like we're going on 10 years. So it was kind of just like one of those lapsed in judgments and I was- Yeah, I don't know, but I don't buy that though. Like a lapse in judgment is like, hey, I did a work trip.

Things got a little out of hand, we got drunk, we went to a strip joint, and I'm really sorry, I'm disgusted with my behavior, but I got a hand job from a stripper. That's a moment of weakness. That is like, hey, everyone's human, and I'm not saying that's normal behavior, and I'm not saying that happened,

if anyone listening, people need to forgive, but I am saying that sure, it's just like, all right, I guess, things got out of hand, alcohol was listening, people need to forgive. But like I am saying that like, sure, it's just like, all right, I guess, like I guess things are out of hand. Alcohol was involved, people were doing drugs. But this is a behavior that even after he got caught, even after seeing the pain in your eyes and your body and saying, my wife is pregnant,

like that he got the wake up call and still did it. You know what I'm saying? And so in that moment, he didn't give a fuck about your emotional wellbeing or your relationship. And then you are grappled with the pain of knowing that like, ultimately he didn't give a fuck. He didn't care. You know, he didn't care about you, the baby, or, I mean, just even the

child, I mean, God, the selfishness that comes from his actions while you're pregnant is pregnant is second to none. And I think you need to understand why he did what he did. Not, and I don't buy, like, let's, yes, everyone's human. You guys were together for 10 years. I understand, like, you know, as humans, just because you've been together for 10 years, you don't, like, you may be married to this guy. You find other men attractive, I'm sure you looked, I'm sure you've thought, I'm sure you've

fantasized, I'm sure he does too, everyone's human, you know, like, so, but that's not an excuse to cheat. Even if you were like, yeah, I didn't sleep with him for like six months, again, I can understand why he's not getting his needs met, but there's other ways of addressing your needs not getting met that don't require what he did. And then again, like his emotional needs, like I know, I understand you called yourself a troll while pregnant, but at the same time, you're referring to physical needs.

So back to why you're having a hard time fully believing the story, if his argument is my needs weren't being met, and you're aware that his sexual needs weren't being met, then his story isn't adding up so to speak but more importantly I want to understand why he did what he did in terms of why he chose to in that moment not consider your needs his child's needs why he still needed to reach out to this person like what in his life was he having a hard

time dealing with what about his past was he having a hard time dealing with? What about his past, his childhood made it possible for him to act out in a way that anyone listening would be like, what a piece of shit? Yeah, I completely agree with you. I think for him, and obviously I'm not trying to defend him. He has tried to take ownership, not the way that I needed it, but essentially because of who the affair was with, I mean, she worked with the company. So the reason why it lasted so long is that like, they were always having to be together.

Christmas parties, like they were always having to be together. Christmas parties, like they were. I thought you said he owns his own business now. Yes. So he left that company? Now, yes, now. So he left, he left that. So like all the steps it feels like have been taken, but I still don't feel that way, you know?

But for him, like he had a great upbringing, like we both did. He has a mom and dad who love him. Our two kids are very different. And one of them, the one that was through it all with me, she, you can already tell she's a very anxious child. Like she, you know, they say that they don't remember, but their nervous system does.

Yeah. So. I mean, your child, your first child was born in trauma. Yeah, exactly. And the difference between my two children is like astronomical. The second one wasn't born in trauma and, you know, she's so cool, calm and collected.

Well, I do think, listen, I imagine you probably have some resentment and anger towards your husband as a result of your daughter. I do think that being said, you guys can deal with that. Yeah, I'm just kind of looking for some redirection. I want to forgive. Because now we have something so good established. It's just the like, the unknown.

And then of course, you know, her still trying to reach out isn't sweet. But again, like I was satisfied with how that was handled. I don't know what it's like to be in your shoes. So bear with me when I say this, but if I were in your shoes, I guess it would just be like, I would need, I just think from time, like, like I'm curious from time to time does he ever just like out of

nowhere look you in the eyes or whatever and just say I'm really sorry I hurt you that way. I know you, you know it's like I just feel like from time to time being someone in your shoes you almost you need that. Yeah you know no I can't say that that happened. We also now, like where we are now, we're just, we live this crazy, we have young kids. You know, we chose to co-sleep. So I, you know, he's sleeping with the oldest

right now in the same room. I'm with the youngest. So we just don't have, like, we're trying to rebuild the glue okay and we just don't have like um a lot of time i guess does he need to go sleep every night no okay so like maybe they're just like you just have to be intentional and deliberate with when you know as you know you you have to schedule intimacy sometimes when it comes to having kids, which seems clunky and unromantic, but it's not. It's just one

of those things where like, I think when we're young and single and naive and we, you know, our life's in front of us and we have nothing but hopes and dreams, we want, you know, we want the storybook and we want to always have the romance be easy and effortless and not have to try and like this that's just not reality you know so part of it is just being you know intentional with that type of stuff but I think the general problem you guys are having is very typical in a relationship that you know is trying to survive infidelity and and that is as you know the pain never really goes away I would be it's's probably safe to say at some level,

there's something that happens every day where you're reminded of what happens. I'm guessing you've gotten much better at letting it come and quickly move on through your body, so to speak. I'm sure in the past, you would dwell on it a lot longer. You would hang onto it. It would fester, you would react, yada, longer. You would hang onto it. It would fester. You would react, yada, yada.

You've gotten much, much better at that. I'm sure you have your bad days. But the point is it doesn't really go anywhere. On the flip side for him, I don't know how much he thinks about it, but I can safely assume that he wants to forget it happened. He wants to not be reminded of how much of a piece of shit he was.

I don't know what regrets that he has or when he looks at your daughter's anxiousness of what guilt he feels, but I'm hoping a little bit, but I don't, and not because I want him to feel that guilt throughout, but like he did some shit and I can understand why he wants to pretend it didn't happen. 100%.

And you both, I think, have to find that common ground versus you recognizing that you can't wake up every day and expect a new apology because you want to be sorry, so to speak, but at the same time, every once in a while, he needs to acknowledge that while you've been willing to forgive him and let go and process all this, he needs to acknowledge it, it happened.

He can't erase the past and he needs to be empathetic to the fact that like it's still a very sensitive and triggering event for you and an acknowledgement to that from time to time I'm guessing would go a long way. And I think if I'm you communicating just like things he can do which may not feel fair to him but I don't give a fuck about what feels fair to him at this point and that is and then what I mean by that is just like for example I don't expect hopefully just gonna reach out again but I'm guessing listen when you were pregnant and he was

doing this safe to assume you felt very untaken care of you felt very alone you felt very unsafe you felt very like de care of. You felt very alone, you felt very unsafe, you felt very like deprioritized, but more specifically untaken care of in a time where more than any time in your life, why do you want a fucking partner by your side? It's when you're fucking pregnant, when your body is like betraying you

and from inside out you don't feel like yourself, you don't know what's going on and you wanted an emotional rock, and he was the opposite of that. Completely opposite, yeah. And I'm guessing when you fight this reaction of him needing to concede comes from this place of almost him trying to forget it happened.

I feel like you've nailed it. I'm not expecting a an apology every day. I mean, gosh, this has been four years ago. But you're right, something hasn't been done yet that is allowing me to be free of it. I'm really sorry for crying. Why are you sorry? I'm sorry you're feeling this way.

You don't need to apologize for crying. I'm going to ask you a question and my question isn't to imply that you made the wrong decision or you should have did while I'm asking you why you didn't do it. I want to be clear about that. And I think I know the answer, but why didn't he reach out to her when she reached out to say stop it? I don't want to hear from you. This is inappropriate.

Please leave me and my family alone I regret what happened. It was a huge mistake Never reach out to me again You know I should give him a little bit of credit in the sense that he has done those things back then He did allow me a few times to message her on His devices so that it wasn't coming from me, it was coming from him.

And we would sit down together and come up with something that we were both comfortable saying, not trying to be comfortable for him but you know we just we did it together and I think that was his way of you know contributing to the solution so when she reached out this time I just reacted like react messaged him or messaged her you know obviously he had no problem with it but you know that was kind of the end of the conversation you know you're right like there was no follow-up like you know a week or two later to see how that would make me feel because we're well into our you know our new life yeah but I think that's again not a therapist here so but I what I'm

hearing right now is you guys are both, in your own way, trying to just be like, we have a new life that's so in the past, and it's almost like we shouldn't be bringing it up. And I get that logic, right? And I think a lot of times when people deal with infidelity, hopefully through couples therapy and marriage therapy, there's a clear, almost line drawn in terms of like now that we are addressing it, now

that we're working on the problems, now that we are really addressing the whys in terms of how this happened, we're gonna both give each other the benefit of the doubt now that we're choosing to work through this and then kind of almost being like relationship A, everything that led up to the infidelity, that was relationship A. That was in the past and we're starting almost a new relationship in terms of like the new approaches, new tools and yada yada yada, which makes a lot of sense. But again, in reality, the person who was cheated on, they don't forget about that shit, right? And so I think there's a little bit of common sense

put in there, and I think what you guys are trying to do is like he's just trying to pretend it never really happened and he wants to make sure that you guys are healthy. You know, you're both telling yourself the same narrative, which is like we're good now, we're healthy, we're better than we've ever been, we had a second child, we're not supposed to be dealing with this shit right now. And I think that's just a bit unrealistic. I think you both have to

acknowledge that like while you're happy, assuming this is true, that you worked through this, you're still together, you're grateful you have a second child, you both wish it didn't happen, but it did happen. And I both, you both need to give each other the grace that at whatever time you're triggered by what happened in the past, there needs to be a safe space to bring it up, especially in your case, without him getting defensive or frustrated.

And again, sure, if you start bringing this up every day and he's constantly having to address it, I could appreciate why he's like, again, I have, oh my God, like, do you wanna forgive me or not? But I'm not hearing that from you. I'm hearing almost a reluctance to even go there ever because you're not sure it's a safe space to say,

I'm still struggling with what happened five years ago. Totally, absolutely. And I think too, like, you know, because we have done so much therapy, marriage counseling, you know, and every time our marriage counselor is always just like, you know, she's very encouraging of what's in the past is in the past in order to move on.

You have to leave it there. And, you know, that concept just doesn't work for my brain. That makes sense. Yeah, I don't know if it works for anyone's brain. I think that's a concept that's like, in theory helps you get to the frame of mind, but like, yeah. So yeah, so I mean, that's kind of been his tool.

I mean, that's all he's really learned through that is, that is a chapter closed. You know, we have the foundation, the tools to rewrite new chapters. And so he kind of is in that mind frame, you know, where we just we never go back like the cobweb the corner we don't look would he be surprised about like does he know you're calling in no he knows I have a therapy session which I consider this kind of like therapy I appreciate it um does he know but yeah I guess does he know how much you're struggling right now with this? He knows that I'm struggling, which is kind of life in general right now. Like, our new baby is very needy. I also have always extended breast beds, so she's very attached to me at all the time. So he just knows that I'm struggling in general.

Does he know that you don't fully believe his truth? Oh yeah, oh yeah. Okay, and what does he say to that? I mean, in the past, he, you know, we would kind of just go through the texts and situations together. And he would kind of just try to his best to explain, you know, what happened. So in his mind, I think that, you know, he's in his mind, I think he thinks he's been very honest. So that's kind of what he pushes is that he's not hiding anything.

And when you say you're not sure, I'm assuming you think there might be physical cheating as well. Totally. Yeah. Yeah. Do you assume he had sex with her? You know, I don't know that he would have had that opportunity, would have presented itself, but I'm definitely thinking that they like made out or, you know, at least just kissed. And what is your understanding? How deep did the emotional

intimacy go? Was there sexting? Was there talk about? Yeah, there was really inappropriate conversations. Like, you know, she would be not even working on a day and then she would go get him lunch and then they would go, you know, somewhere private and have lunch together. And so how do you know he wouldn't have the opportunity to physically cheat? When you're kind of on job sites, I mean, I guess it's not impossible, no. Okay. Yeah. I'm not trying to plant seeds of doubting or anything.

It's okay. Oh yeah, she's gonna go down tonight. No. Okay. Yeah. I'm not trying to plant seeds of doubt in your head. It's okay. Oh yeah, shit's gonna go down tonight. No, I mean listen, at this point, I do think you kinda have to let that part go. Totally, yeah. Whether that's deciding that more happened and you're just gonna let it go, knowing it's just like, what's the fucking difference?

Like, I would have forgiven him anyways. The pain, like I don't know how much more I could have hurt. You do have to just let that part go. And I don't mean like let the pain go, but just like what's the fucking difference? Like he cheated on me. Like the devil's isn't in the details.

I think sometimes when it comes to that, I think we like to torture ourselves and we, you know, we tell ourselves we need to know everything because I don't know, like we want to see what we're capable of. I don't know. I don't know why we do it. So I do think when it comes to that, you have to at your best just be like, yeah, he did it and it doesn't do you any good. I can't help but wonder her message,

the way, you know, her message, if I'm in your position, I could see why that would, for someone who didn't fully believe the story, I can see why that message might trigger those fears. I'm not, like that took, you know, listen, it sounds like maybe this person that needs, like you said, needs some help, but the level of, I don't know,

the level of whatever the fuck it was that had it in her to send that message that she did. Four years later. She has kids now. She has a partner now. Yeah. So that's just kind of crazy on her part. I guess my only advice I could offer you at this point is like I think he you need to find a way to say I'm still it's not I'm not just struggling it's not just the baby and yes me just having a baby yes me being postpartum I'm sure is playing a role in why I'm so emotional but at times I still struggle with this obviously it

was very triggering for to bring up I need, I need a safe space for you, for me to be able to say I am struggling with this without necessarily him feeling like he needs to get defensive, but he needs to be able to talk. You need to be able to talk with him through this and he needs to be able to listen and say, you know, hear you out. And if it requires a like, you know, him listening to say, I know you don't need me to say this, I know, hear you out. And if it requires a like, you know, him listening to say, I know you don't need me to say this. I know I've said this, but as always, like, I am so sorry. And there isn't a day that goes by

that I wish I could take it back. And I see how it's affected our family. And just allow you to vent and allow you to get it out there and allow you to just communicate. I feel like that would go further than it's going now, you know, because right now you have it inside you, you're all emotional, you get in a fight, you get triggered. It's like, you don't feel like you're allowed to bring it up

because you feel like, oh, we've agreed it's in the past. It's obviously still inside you. And that's where that kind of subconscious brain sounds like it's like demands almost him to just concede whatever fight, you know? So rather than that, I'd rather have to say, hey, listen, just, you know, like, I feel this, you know? And I want you to hear it because like right now,

I'm angry, I'm angry and I'm feeling triggered. And right now you might be right about whatever we're fighting about, but I'm just so fucking angry that I want, I need you to be wrong, you know? In a weird way. I mean, that is exactly it. Like he definitely doesn't like to take it out even if it, you know it would support the situation.

And I'm the kind of person, I don't need him to take the L for very long. I'm very aware of my right and wrong. You have decided to accept his betrayal. You wish you could forget his betrayal, but unfortunately, no one's invented that yet. So he needs to acknowledge that while you've accepted that, you'll never be able to forgive that,

and you'll always work on that, and you have worked on not letting it ruminate and things like that. But he needs to then, while you're not expecting him to apologize every day or every week or at all, but he needs to acknowledge that while you have to live with this truth, he has to live with the fact that for the rest of your relationship, it may come up at times where he finds it to be unfair or inconvenient, but it's also unfair to you that you have to live with this for the rest of your life.

And it never really goes away. No, it doesn't. I mean, you have a beautiful wife who just had a baby, and when you're pregnant, yeah, you can just kinda, you'll just never forget. Yeah. And that's something he needs to accept and acknowledge and almost say, I understand and if I were you,

it would be the same, you know? And I think hearing that from him, I would hope would go a long way, but he needs to, I think he needs to like, I think you both need to, maybe through couples therapy, kind of address the elephant in the room where it's just like, I feel like I think you both need to maybe through couples therapy kind of address the elephant in the room where it's just like, I feel like I am not allowed to express the pain I still sometimes feel

because it was five years ago and it almost feels like I have to suppress this pain that well again, I acknowledge that we've worked through it, but it never goes away. And certainly having a new kid and her reaching out has brought, and that's another thing you guys need to acknowledge. There may be periods in which you are fine,

where you go through seasons of things are pretty good, but things might trigger you. Whether it's her reaching out, you guys having another kid, I don't know, you just maybe emotionally just not being your best self stresses about the relationship, and he needs to be able to offer you that grace and say, you know what, that makes sense.

And I wish it didn't, I wish we could all make this go away, but I understand why it doesn't. And just, at least now he can get the heads up of what you're upset about. And so now you, you know, give him the opportunity to address what's actually you're angry about. You're not angry why he's not closing the cabinets

or forgetting to do something you've asked him for the 10th time. Yeah, it's annoying, but that's not why you're losing your shit. You're losing your shit because you still feel the pain and you're reacting to that pain and he is coming across as almost dismissive because he's not really addressing your pain.

No, I completely agree with you. You know, it definitely is worth a conversation. I just, we have had these conversations before, but again, you know, our outlook has always been like what's behind us is behind us. And so you, you know, acknowledging that that doesn't have to be the case is helpful. Yeah, I think there's a difference between moving forward but you still are allowed the grace to have it come up and you are still allowed to be triggered by this and when you are triggered, you still need a partner. Totally. I mean, he's your husband, you know what I'm saying? And your husband, I'm assuming, is there to help and each other deal with whatever triggers or emotional stresses you're facing.

And this is something you're facing. He caused it. And while I understand that you have to, on some level, focus on moving forward, within reason, you need to be allowed to have a moment or be triggered and work through that trigger not alone. It's just like, hey, he doesn't get to be like, hey, I'm here to help with anything that you're going through except for the thing that I caused because honestly, I'd like to just pretend it didn't happen and I've already said I'm sorry. So it's just not really fair to me

for you to bring it up anytime you're triggered. Like, I don't, that doesn't seem realistic or or fair. You've honestly you've honestly nailed it. Like that's you know that's exactly what our what's happening in our conflict. Like I mean you know it's um yeah. So I think maybe the conversation with him is one it starts with saying listen obviously you know I'm emotional right now I'm sure the postpartum's playing a role. And I do not, I don't wanna be reacting the way I'm reacting to you. I don't like how I'm acting to you.

That's not the type of wife I wanna be, you know, et cetera, et cetera. It's not that type of energy I want in our relationship. And I am sorry I'm reacting the way I'm acting. I've been thinking about why, and I think just sometimes, I know we talk about moving forward, I know we're about putting the past in the past,

but as you know, and I'm sure you can imagine, her reaching out was really triggering for me. That wasn't easy, it brought up a lot of skeletons. And if I'm being totally honest, sometimes it happens. Maybe it's something you say, maybe it's a feeling I'm feeling, maybe something I observed that brings up something in the past.

It doesn't always need to be her reaching out. And I don't need you to apologize every day. I know you're sorry. But when I am triggered, I don't feel like I can really address it with you because I feel bad about bringing it up as if like, you know, I'm trying to throw it in your face. And I really wish we could have a safe space so that when I do get triggered by this, that I can still talk through it with you.

Because I know you're sorry, but to be honest, every once in a while, I still have to live with this pain. And I guess whether it's fair or not, I just still need to know that you feel the regret from this happening. I just wanna be able to, I need my husband to be there for me

when I'm triggered about this, even though you were the cause of it. Totally, and for our daughter too, I mean, you know, it's very easy to see her behavioral issues, you know? Yeah, but you just have to be careful about not like blaming him for that. No, I know. Even though it's his fault. She's very, very sweet, but she definitely is very anxious and it's gonna be something that we do have to address for sure. Yeah, you'll have to address it,

you'll have to challenge her too, you know, like, you know, again, I'm not here to tell you out of parent, but yeah. But yes, it's, you've addressed it at a young age, there's things you can do, and not to, you know, your second child, you know, might incur something that causes them to be anxious in the future, you know, who knows? We can't predict life, shit happens, unfortunately, and all we can do is our best to like move on

and recover from it. But I think it's the whole moving on part versus the recovery part that is you guys are having a hard time figuring out what's right and what's wrong. Because I think there is a moving forward and a moving on, but you have to be realistic, both of you in terms of just like, hey, I'm a human being and I don't forget. And every once in a while while I wish I could forget this ever happened, I am reminded and triggered sometimes. And when that happens, I need to be able to talk with you about it without feeling like I have to protect you. Exactly what's happening. Well, I will definitely have that conversation.

Yeah, I mean, it's kind of nice that you guys book so quickly. You know, you do catch it in the raw sometimes. We do our best. Yeah. You guys are awesome. Well, listen, I would love to talk to you both if he was ever down. You know, he is, he, I have to give credit where credit is due.

And I mean, he's put himself through lots of therapy and I don't know that he would ever be, I don't know that he would be opposed, but also I don't know he would be for it. So it might be worth a shot. Yeah, I don't know. If I'm him, I want to do whatever I can to move forward. And this is in an effort to move forward.

Again, as I always say, lead with love. You're not trying to come at him. You're not trying to attack him. This is, like, you don't wanna feel this way. You don't wanna keep fighting with him. You guys are in agreement on that. So this is all in an effort to, like, continue to work on the both of you.

But, like, there is an elephant in the room that clearly you guys feel like you shouldn't be bringing up because at some point in the past there was a promise that we're moving forward and that's just how we operate. And you're not dealing in reality when it comes to that stuff. Yeah, no, I knew you would have a good outlook on it.

You've been listening for a long time, so this is very surreal for me, so I appreciate it. Well, I appreciate listening. Again, I'd be interested in getting his POV. I'll let you know, I'll be in touch with him. But maybe, listen, hopefully it's not necessary. Hopefully you sit him down, you have this conversation, hopefully he's generally receptive to it.

He should be able to understand that her reaching out, if nothing else, was a very triggering event for you. And this happened when? Like while you're still pregnant? No, no, this was just like, gosh, a few months ago. How old is your youngest? A year. Okay, so but, within a year of you having your second child being postpartum,

she reached out. Very triggering. This is all centered around your first pregnancy. He needs to be able to acknowledge that. And honestly, I wish he was a little more proactive with like saying, hey, are you okay? You know, and he would go a long way for him to be able to like get, get past his shame for doing what he did and be willing to check in with you more often. Totally.

You know. I'm sure when she reached out, I mean, he just wanted to quickly get that gone. So he kind of left me. Well, that's the thing where you guys, I think there needs to be a slight adjustment here. Again, I'm kind of repeating myself. Oh, it's okay.

But like there is a difference between moving on and then being delusional and trying to push and suppress things that have happened and emotions that are coming up. I understand why he wished it could go away, but the simple fact that he was kind of like, oh, wait, wait, no, go away, but the simple fact that he was kind of like, oh, wait, wait, no, go, go, go away,

suggests that he knows that it's still potentially an issue. Otherwise, why would you wish something could go away? I would, I would really like to have happened, has him say, all right, like, let's just talk about it. First of all, are you okay? That must have been really hard, babe. I am really sorry that happened. You know, I'm really sorry she did that. Obviously

you know I had nothing to do. I hope you believe that I have nothing to do with that. Is there any question? Again, he needs to be every bit of the person he wasn't when he did this shit. And that, if nothing else, will continue to show you. And that's what you want to see, right? Through his empathy of checking in with you, through his like being willing to say, hey babe, are you okay? Is there something you wanna talk about? Is this triggering for you?

I know we put them in the past, but do you wanna work through something? That will show, I'm assuming for you, that would show you that his commitment to the relationship, he's still invested, he's still sorry, you know what I'm saying saying like he's I want to still see that shame I don't want him to let go of that shame I want him to like be reminded of like what what?

Everything you fuckers had to work through to get to the point now because the moment he completely Let's go the shame. I guess in some ways you're gonna be worried that this could happen again go with the shame, I guess in some ways you're gonna be worried that this could happen again. I'm not a big on like shaming for teaching, especially when it comes to kids, but like shame can be a useful tool for ourselves at least, you know, and I think a healthy amount of shame and disappointment in his part that he maintains the rest of your lives in relationship, I don't think is a terrible thing. And I, and that's a level of security that you have that like he needs to He it's shit It should not be so easy for him when you get triggered for him to brush it away and hope that it's already been handled

And he needs to acknowledge that for the rest of your relationship Every once in a while. He's gonna have to deal with his choices back then I agree. Yeah. I totally agree. And at that point, if you guys can create that safe space, then it's on you to be reasonable with your anger and how you express that anger. And when he is willing to create that space and talk, then you need to take advantage of that safe space and not be so reactive and so demanding of him conceding fights that have nothing to do with this.

Hopefully, you nailed it, for sure. Alright, well please keep us posted. I will. Alright, we're dying to know. But there's a path forward here, and if he doesn't do what you hope, then say, I need him to do this. It's cheaper than therapy.

We don't even charge. I know, I was just gonna say, where can I send you your fee? Yeah, no, it's free. All right, well, sorry you're going through this. Congratulations on your family. I know this sucks, but listen, you're not alone. And you're not alone.

Totally. Well, I really appreciate it. You guys, administrative, great, this, great, everything great. All right, well thank you for your time. Thank you. All right, bye bye. ShipStation, a lot has changed over the last year, and if you have a growing e-commerce

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that are made to last with Quinn's. Go to quints.com slash V-I-A-L-L for free shipping. On your order in 365 day returns, that's quints, Q-U-I-N-C-E.com slash V-I-A-L-L to get free shipping in 365 day returns, quints.com slash V-I-A-L-L. How's it going? Hi, my name is Monica. I'm 34 years old and I wanna know how to handle

my girlfriend's sister who hates me. Okay, do you know why she hates you? There are things that she has talked about and pointed to, but overall, I'm not really sure. Okay, and how are you made aware of this? Through her directly or through your girlfriend? All of it's through my girlfriend. All of it is her complaining and crying to my girlfriend

and then my girlfriend tells me about it. We have not directly interacted at all. Gotcha. And is your girlfriend, is she coming to you with this information as, hey, this sucks that my sister hates you and we need to figure out how to get her to not hate you? Or is she just kind of like,

I guess my sister hates you, I don't really know why, but like, I don't. So is it bothering you or is it affecting your relationship? It is affecting our relationship. She really is super close with her sister. It's like her baby sister. And she wants us to all get along and do fun things together and go on trips together. So the fact that her sister keeps complaining about how awful I am and all these different

things is really like upsetting for her and wants me to you know maybe censor myself or kind of adjust how I'm working with her. And what does she hate about you? Well like the most recent thing was that I said that her mom's dog sucks. Did you? And yeah the dog does suck because and the whole family complains about how the dog stuff all the time.

It's just like a running thing that he's a puppy. He's not trained. He doesn't get enough exercise. So when everybody complains that he's the worst, it's fine. But when I said it, she said it was a personal attack on her and she was crying about it for four days Okay, what else and then? After that there was a point where her mom was saying how the dog is the worst So this is the owner of the dog was saying oh my dog is the worst and I said, oh well

You know don't tell so and so. And she went around and told my girlfriend's sister I said that. And so then that caused another shit storm for like a week of her crying that I'm making fun of her behind her back and everything. I also I taught the child, my girlfriend has a four year old daughter, I taught her the word lesbian. That was a whole shit storm. She didn't like that I did that.

She didn't like the reasons I wanted to teach her the word lesbian. To be clear, that was her sister, not your partner. She didn't care. How did your partner feel about it? My partner thinks that her daughter should be allowed to say the word lesbian since she is a lesbian. Gotcha.

And did your partner have a child like the old fashioned way or through surrogacy? Like did she come out of the closet that she used to date? Like I guess what's her backstory in terms of her sexuality? Is that playing a role? She kissed a few boys in high school but other than that she's been super gay. Yeah, she's a firm donor. She's been married to a woman in the past. Oh, okay.

So that, okay. I mean, other than just ignorance ignorance or her to society to hate you But like why do you think the whole lesbian conversation is a problem for her sister? She said it was because She doesn't want the child to be saying that at the playground and then other people Hear her and they don't want their kids playing with her. I said, well, if that's the case, then that's too bad for those kids that they don't get to play with our daughter. And like, why would we want people like that over our house? And she said that that

was basically me saying that we don't want her over at our house, which is a thing I never said and I never would say that. But again, that was like another personal attack on her. It also suggests that her sister has a problem with the word lesbian and somehow thinks it's a dirty word, which is like literally who I am. Would be like, I don't know. Okay, what else. What else?

What else? She has, I mean, most of the family thinks that she is just jealous of me. My girlfriend and I just bought a house together and moved in together in the past couple of weeks. She takes care of her daughter during the day. so she's used to kind of being the one to help out with the daughter instead of me. Um, they used to live together. So she's used to having my girlfriend to herself all of the time. And so I think probably that's part of it, but I don't know. I think it's weird that she wants to be in my position if

that's where it's coming from. I mean, who knows? You know what I'm saying? Who knows why people do and think what they say or the sense of entitlement. You just said one thing. The dog thing is an opportunity for you. The lesbian comment, that just seems like pure ignorance on her part. I can completely appreciate why you find that to be offensive or frustrating and hypocritical on her.

And I think you have every reason to push back on that and set a clear boundary. But I also think quite honestly, that should come from your partner, not you. You know what I'm saying? Your partner is also a lesbian along with you. And this is definitely, do you wanna be right or do you wanna be happy situation as it relates to you?

The dog comment, I think is an opportunity for you where you fucked up. If just an objective person in terms of, it reminded me of a time, I have a lot of siblings as you know, right? And there was a time with one of my siblings' partners. Now, I have some of my siblings, I love all my siblings, I would do anything for them. I like some more than others, you know? I'm closer with some than others. And you know, I'm joking when I say that, but like, we're all very different. Some of us,

it's easy to get along. Some of us, it's just like we're oil and vinegar, but we love each other and we're family and yada yada. And some of my siblings, like myself, have big personalities and can cause drama in the family or rub some of us the wrong way. They are imperfect people, right? And inside our family dynamic, we talk our shit, we complain, we vent to our parents,

and it's all like fair game, because we're family. You know what I'm saying? And then there was one time where I was hanging out with one of my siblings and their partner, and their partner was talking some shit, honestly, about some of my other siblings. And quite honestly, everything they were saying about my siblings wasn't totally even wrong. But I was like, you don't get to talk shit

about my siblings to me. You just don't. And I was just like, especially because some of the shit they were talking, I honestly felt like they were also guilty of and lacked the self-awareness to see it. But it wasn't really about that. It was more like, you don't get to fucking talk shit about my siblings to me just because you're dating my other sibling. You just don't get to fucking do that. I found that to be disrespectful. I found it to be triggering, yada yada.

Well, was I right? I don't know, but it was just how I felt. And maybe it's me being the older brother and your situations are entirely different, I understand. But I was just like, you know, I had dealt with too many of my siblings breaking up with people, getting, you know, moving on with other people.

It's just like, you're not married, you're not even in this family yet, so to speak, you don't get to talk shit on my siblings, right? So when you brought up the dog, it reminded me of that moment where it's just like, I get everyone else is talking shit about the dog, but I can see why her sister is using this as an opportunity to be mad at you.

And I don't even think you did anything wrong. You know what I'm saying? This is more like, you're gonna have to figure out, even though her sister is giving you, especially the comments about lesbian and you introducing that word to your child. Sounds like you guys are co-parenting. She's completely wrong there, right?

And I understand why in your mind you're thinking, if she's like, I can point out why the dog is a piece of shit because everyone else is. And you're right, you can. But this is like, do you wanna be right or do you wanna be happy, right? And so you're gonna have to figure out those things that don't need to be said by you,

that you just bite your tongue and pick your battles so that when she does something, like you have a right to be really mad and offended by, then you can choose to pick your battles. But don't give her the ammunition, I guess, to shit on you for saying things that don't need to be said. No, I mean, another layer of it is that she's also complained about the tone of my voice and the look on my face

when I'm in the room with her. Yeah. Some of it, it's just like things that I, I feel like I can't predict what she's going to get upset about. No, but I guess my question- I am like a little bit of a blunt person, so I can like be careful about, you know, but there's also like, if I have a look on my face, I don't know. I get what you're saying and I can appreciate your frustrations and I'm just getting the sense from

you that again, you also, you have a strong personality and you're confident in who you are, which I love, I respect, I think it's great, I think you should own that. I think sometimes that can get in the way of family dynamics because you want to be who you are and you should be able to. But when it comes to like siblings, siblings have the almost green light. Her sister has the benefit of knowing that no matter what, she'll always be my sister.

And I don't, she does. And that's exactly how she's acting. And she's gonna play that card forever, right? And so that's where you could just do yourself a favor and bite your tongue when you've, you know, at times in situations where you don't need to be right. But I'm just afraid that that's not going to be enough, that she's just still going to like nitpick and twist things and- Maybe so. But listen, I will say, you know, at the end of the day, this comes down to your partner

and how she wants to address this. Because if her sister wants to never give you the benefit out, she won't. And there's nothing you can do about it, really. And it's gonna have to come down to your partner saying, stop it, this is who I'm with, this is who I love. You don't have to like her. You just have to respect her,

because I want you to respect me. And I don't wanna choose between the two of you, but if you make me choose I'm gonna choose my partner You know that's ultimately what I would say and if I were in your partner's shoes and she's gonna at some point you to do That I'm just saying as far as your concern Control what you can control and make it easier for your partner to do that. So that when she does do that, she's not being like, well, what about the comb and about the dog and maybe bring up things where you're just feel like you're being yourself. But like other people might find you to be abrasive or, you know, or, or maybe

other people might accuse you of speaking on things that they don't think you have the right to speak on as it relates to their inner workings of their family. And I think when it comes to that, you should try to bite your tongue and you should just be your partner's partner. And I understand, I think a lot of it comes from, listen, when we are dating someone serious, we want to immerse ourselves in their family.

We want to have them be our family, want them to accept us, we want to accept them. And I think sometimes, for example, my sibling's partner, I think it was all well intentioned. They talked like they were already in our family. And I was just like, you're not. So you don't get to talk your shit. I felt a certain way about it.

I'm not even saying I was right. I just felt a certain way. And it made me have an opinion about my sibling's partner. So I know this feedback doesn't probably sound fair or what you want to do, but it's just like you're going to have to control what you can control because you're not going to hopefully, you're not going to win even if you get your way if it comes down to you asking your partner to alienate her sister. You're not because your sister doesn't want to.

And even if your sister makes you choose, you're going to end up losing because her sister doesn't need to always be connected the way you always need to be connected to your partner. Again, she'll always be her sister and she'll always have that. You have to fight against that. And to fight against that is to really figure out what battles you need to fight and where you can just choose to be happy and you don't need to be right. Yeah. And one other question I had too is because we have a full family trip coming up. We leave in a few days for Disney World. So this is my girlfriend, her sister, their entire family, and their daughter. And I am worried that, like, I'm going to say

something and her sister is going to get set off and, like, finally confront me in person in Disney. Because I've been avoiding her for the past, like, month. I haven't been around. I've been like, when I am around, I don't speak in front of her. I've just been totally keeping my distance and isolating myself, and now we're gonna be in Disney World for eight days altogether. But what conversations do you have had

with your partner about this? I mean, I was like, oh, if she says something, can we just walk away? And my girlfriend just is, you know, I like hoping that that doesn't come to that. And she wants us to have a sit down talk before we leave and just try to like hash things out. But anything I suggest of bringing up,

she says sounds like a confrontation. I'm getting the impression that your girlfriend's very adverse to conflict. Yes, very much so. And I'm guessing you're not. No, I don't really mind. And I'm guessing when it comes to your relationship, when it doesn't include people in her family,

she probably loves the fact that you are the confrontational one, because you can probably fight her battles from time to time. But in this particular situation, you're just gonna need her to step up. And that's, I think, a fair expectation you need to have with her. She'll be like, well, what happens?

But I guess you need to check in with your sister to figure out what bothers her, because again, this is her family. And so in terms of this whole talk that your girlfriend wants you to have, you guys need to figure out the two of you. It's just like, for example, the comment about the word lesbian. How does your girlfriend feel about that? I mean, she was, she said that all the things I said were things she was thinking.

I just said it faster than she got, than she did. But then when she talked to her sister about it after, like I read some of the text messages and she was really downplaying it. Like, oh, that's not something I stay much in front of her or you know She has a book that mentions lesbian But we barely read it and it was kind of like like I feel like she caters to her sister a lot

Did you ask your girlfriend? It's just like why are you why are you coming across as if you are? Almost embarrassed like like that that language is suggesting that she shouldn't be saying this word in front of her daughter. And it's like, that is her right. Yeah, I mean, I think she just doesn't want there to be issues. She doesn't want there to be confrontations or arguments or people's feelings getting hurt.

She just wants everything to be okay. Well, she is gonna have to at some point set some boundaries with her sister. I mean, if she is that much of a pushover, it's gonna be a problem. I don't, I guess I don't know. Cause you can't fight her battles for her in this particular situation,

even though you do outside of the family. Cause you will always then be the bad guy. And your girlfriend can't play the, I just want everyone to get along when it's her sister who's stirring up the drama. I do feel like there are probably things you can do to avoid the drama, but you can only do so much, right? And your sister at some point needs to stand up

to her younger sister, is it? Younger sister, yeah, like baby sister by 10 years. Yeah, and just say, stop it. As far as the confrontation goes, yeah, because that's the thing, it's just like if you guys have this sit down, you need to understand what is important to your girlfriend in terms of what battles you two should be fighting

together with her sister. And everything else, you could just be like, you know, I am sorry I said or did that I certainly didn't mean to offend obviously I love your sister and so I hope that you can learn to accept me and I'm sorry if I says you know you you are gonna have to swallow your pride I guess what I'm trying to say is yeah like if your girlfriend is unwilling to set a boundary or communicate expectation with her younger sister,

then you have no hope of winning any confrontation with her sister. I don't see how. Right. Because in her sister's mind, she will always be like, if my sister had a problem, she'd tell me. If my sister's not telling me, so the problem's you. Right.

And I mean, my girlfriend does like to her sister and to her other family members who have like, they have another sister who's gotten involved and gets upset. So to them, she's really like stood up for me and said, like Monica has done nothing wrong and everything's okay. On that part, you know, she's not in the wrong here. She hasn't said anything to offend you.

She hasn't been malicious. But then behind the scenes, it's a little bit more like saying that I should censor myself more, or maybe I should say this, or I shouldn't say that, or I should do that. But she has been good about to them, to the outside, of standing up for me and having my back. So at least I know that, you know,

she's put her foot down with that. I think you and your girlfriend need to be more on the same page in terms of what is said to your sister. And you need to be a united front. And that message needs to be consistent because your girlfriend is the glue here. She just is. I don't know all the details,

but like I think you and your girlfriend need to get on the same page in terms of how we feel about that whole conversation about you introducing the word lesbian to her daughter. Are you guys aligned? Are you not aligned? You have the right to be offended by this. You have a right to say,

you're suggesting that I somehow be ashamed of the word that describes our sexual identity, and I'm just not, and I don't know why you're suggesting I should be. But again, if your girlfriend's not gonna be aligned with you on that, then you're just gonna look like the bad guy. As far as the dog comments,

as far as about other random comments, her sister thinks you shouldn't be making, I would just be like, listen, I hear you, I apologize. Just play the victim. Just be like, I really wanna be close with you and your family, and if I rub you the wrong way, I hear you and I don't wanna do that, and I will try not to.

But when it comes to introducing the word lesbian, we're not on the same page. I'm sorry you feel the way you do. You have the right to your opinion, but we're just not aligned, and that's okay. I just think you need to try your best to not win with her sister, and not be right with her sister,

and not get her sister to concede anything other than accepting you and backing the fuck off. Okay, all right, that'll be hard. I know, no, this isn't easy. Those are all the things I wanna do. I know, but it really't easy. Those are all the things I wanna do. I know, but like it really comes, it comes down to your girlfriend. I don't know how you get through this

unless your girlfriend is willing to confront her sister. Because what I'm ultimately hearing is your girlfriend wants a relationship with her sister and she wants everything to be fine with the two of you, but her sister has a very strong opinion about you, and your girlfriend is either unwilling or unable to communicate to her sister how she really feels about how her sister is acting, and is unwilling to set a very rigid boundary about what she expects of her sister. I mean, it's kind of crazy. The picture you're painting is that we have this whole family trip, and everyone's afraid of the little girl's sister, the youngest baby in the family. Like, who is this person?

Like, why do they have so much power over everyone else? That seems kind of crazy to me. Yeah, I would agree. It is kind of crazy. Yeah. I think you need to have more expectations of your girlfriend. Yeah.

Because it almost sounds like your girlfriend is conveniently allowing you two to hate each other because she doesn't want to be a part of it. And she needs to pick a side. And I don't mean a side like cutting her sister off, but like she needs to say, hey listen, stop this. You don't have to love her, you don't even have to like her. You have to be respectful around her

because I love her, she's my partner, I'm creating a future with her. And quite honestly, sister, sometimes your words and actions kinda give like you don't accept my choices in life. You don't accept who I am as a person, you don't accept who I love. And that's offensive to me and I need you to stop and I need you to stop blaming my girlfriend, you,

for the issues you might have with me because that's how it's sounding. It sounds like she's projecting whatever frustration she has about her sister's choices and is blaming you for it. Yeah, yeah, I think she probably is and, you know, wants to, like just, like you said, maybe finds me kind of abrasive

and doesn't like that things are changing and is just like freaking out about it. Maybe so. But when it comes to that stuff, I think that stuff is normal doesn't like that things are changing and it's just like freaking out about it. Yeah. But when it comes to that stuff, I think that stuff is normal and as much empathy and grace and understanding that you can offer, even at the risk of feeling like her younger sister isn't okay with who you are, I think that's okay.

Set aside the ignorant statement about lesbian. But in terms of your personality, I think you have to allow her sister to not like you. Yeah, and that's fine, you know? It goes both ways. I'm okay with that. No, I know. But she, unfortunately, as far as the family, she kind of, she gets to, in a way, win.

And I'm sure for you that feels annoying and unfair. And it is, it is annoying and it is sure for you that feels annoying and unfair and it is it is annoying and it is unfair but that's family sometimes. Family is annoying and unfair mostly. Again, there's a difference between unconditional love and unconditional like. We unconditionally hopefully love our family but we definitely don't like them and we have to learn to coexist with them because they're family and we don't get to choose our family's personalities and things like that. We choose our friends. Family it's like I don't I to choose our family's personalities and things like that. We choose our friends.

Family, it's like, I definitely wouldn't hang out with you if you weren't my sibling. So, all right, was this helpful at all? I don't know, or annoying? Yeah, no, totally. I mean, I definitely am gonna talk to my girlfriend about, you know, like, I mean, I can definitely make an effort to not be as myself around her,

not be quite so like as big of a personality around her because it clearly offends her in some way. And then also, you know, about what my partner needs to say to her and like really stick up for me that like this isn't okay if she has a problem with me, she needs to kind of keep it to herself and yeah. Yeah, your biggest challenge is, you know, I'm guessing there's an element that you feel

a little unsafe in your own relationship because you know how much your girlfriend's relationship with her sister matters to you and you know how much her sister doesn't like you. And I can't help but wonder if that makes you feel a little less secure than you would like to feel in this relationship knowing how much it matters to her. I mean, mostly my feelings are just really hurt

about the whole thing. Like I don't really have a lot of immediate family myself. So I'm just like hurt that I'm not being welcomed into her family as much. Sure, but like that shouldn't, like one sibling's bad attitude shouldn't impact everyone else. And you should still be felt well, you know what I'm saying?

Cause that's not what you're, you're not like, hey listen, my girlfriend's got this one annoying sister that for whatever reason she doesn't like me and we've gotten into it, but everyone else is great. And I feel completely welcomed by everyone else. And while she acts out, like, you know, I guess it's kind of annoying. But for whatever reason, the picture you're painting is like this sibling has a lot of influence I feel completely welcomed by everyone else. And while she acts out, I guess it's kind of annoying.

But for whatever reason, the picture you're painting is like this sibling has a lot of influence and power over everyone else. And it is dictating how you feel welcomed overall by everyone else. Yeah, I mean, I think if she gets upset or if she offends other people in the family, everybody else seems to just let it blow over

and it's fine right after. And there doesn't need to be any apologies or anything like that. And then I come in, she upsets me, and I'm expecting some kind of apology or something, some kind of accountability. And that's obviously not gonna happen. Yeah, that's not gonna happen.

So that's where you can help yourself. You don't need to be right. You don't need to get the last word in, which I'm guessing might be a challenge for you at times. And I think that's where you need to focus on. If you really wanna be a part of this family, there's a part of you that kinda needs to accept how they treat their sister.

And I don't agree with it, like you don't agree with it, but this is the family and this is how they've chosen to handle her sister and you're not gonna come into this family and change that. And that's where you need to maybe have a slice of humble pie. You know, I get it, I get where you're coming from. You're probably walking into this family

and being like, this is fucking crazy. Why do they all treat this person this way? What is going on? You have to let that part of your opinion go. And your only focus should be your connection with your girlfriend and her ability to stick up for you when appropriate. But she, she doesn't need to pick a fight with her sister just so you feel defended. I mean, you're really going to have to pick your battles.

And I use that because again, I think that one comment about the word lesbian is a battle, I would assume your girlfriend would want to fight with her sister in terms of like hey But again, that's her battle to fight not yours, right? So when she says something offensive to the both of you, then you need to go to your girlfriend say hey listen I'm gonna stay out of it But like I'm assuming we're aligned here and I need you to I need you to communicate that to your sister so that I don't Have to and if you really want that to your sister so that I don't have to. And if you really want us to continue to get along, then don't give your sister reasons to think I'm the bad guy in situations that we are aligned.

Right. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I mean, I think, I mean, my girlfriend's really, you know, she's super great about like having open communication with me and listening to me so I think she'll be open to what I have to say and I can you know eat humble pie like you said I guess I suppose I can do that and you know apologize to her I've been saying that I refuse to apologize to her but I mean I guess I can. I just feel like I haven't done anything wrong. It's guess it's not about being right. It's not about right or wrong. I'm going to say this, and I'm not meaning to condescend because you acknowledge that you don't have like a, your family, you know, you've been wanting to immerse yourself in this family

because your extended family is limited, yeah? Yeah, right. So maybe the reason why your approach is because maybe, like I have a lot of experience with annoying siblings. I have a large family and we're all very close and I'm saying this out of jest, but it's true. And the way you're describing her family

and how they handle the sister makes a lot of sense to me. They're just like, whatever, I don't know. I don't know why she's the way she is, she just is. And it's just us, it's easier for us to roll our eyes and just let her throw her temper tantrum than fight with her about it because she is who she is. And she's just always going to be our sibling. And then I go, whatever. And again, they can, they, you know, some, there's sometimes with siblings, they don't talk to her for a period of time, you know, well, I'm always going to love them. And they're always going to be welcomed in my life. And I'm always going to be there for them. And I find them to be sometimes

annoying as fuck. And so it is easier for me to just let them do their thing because I don't need to be right with my siblings. I don't give a fuck what they do. It's their life. They can choose whatever they want, but it is my job as their brother that I'll always love them and always accept them for who they are. Right? And you're sitting here being like, why are you guys allowing this crazy fucking behavior? And the answer is, because it's their sister. And at the end of the day, they're just gonna choose happiness, they're gonna choose love,

and they're just gonna let her figure her shit out. And that's where you need it. If you wanna be a part of this family, you need to think like this family as it relates to her sister, which is, I don't know why she does what she does, but she does. And like, whatever.

But she's gonna be family. We're never not gonna invite her on this trip. I think everyone might be in agreement that it might be easier to not have that, bring that entry on the trip, but hey, she's part of the family and we deal with it. Does that make sense? Yeah, definitely makes sense.

I'm following you. And I think that like, you're right, that I need to just kind of suck it up and just roll with the punches a little bit better here. Yeah you're having a hard time knowing you're right and needing to be validated for that and if I'm guessing if you can learn to let that shit go then we'll go a long way with this dynamic but your girlfriend does need to step up on topics that you guys are aligned with.

Okay yeah I think so. A little bit. I mean, she's been good, but she could take another step or two up. I mean, you've made enough of comments that tells me that there's a lot here that you can control. The I refuse to apologize to your sister

is such an, that is energy you are wasting for no fucking reason, other than your ego. Who gives a shit if you apologize to this person? Who cares? Honestly, who cares? Just let her be happy. Who gives a fuck? You know what I'm saying?

It just doesn't matter. Right, yeah. I mean, and I do, like, I just want to be happy with my girlfriend. Everything else in our life is so amazing right now. Like, we keep saying we're in a golden age. Like, our jobs are going well. Our like, we've been parenting together

a week and a half now, going great. We're in like the honeymoon phase. It's amazing. It's like this one thing that we argue about. So swallow your pride, swallow, yeah. And just when it comes to her sister, just extend out of branches. That's what you need to do. You need to, you just have to comes to her sister just extend all of branches That's what you need to do. You need to you you just have to yeah not be right. Okay, I can handle that I think I might take me a day to prep but I can do that again

This is like a crash course and like trying to be a part of a larger extended family and that is they're fucking annoying and you know, but I'm joking, but it does matter, because there is a benefit to having that unconditional love. And unconditional love, again, is very different than, I think we often confuse unconditional like and unconditional love. And this family has unconditional love for her sister that you don't have, and you don't even like her.

And it's just annoying to you. So you have to learn how to unconditionally love this girl because your partner does. Right. And treat her as such. Okay. All right, good luck. Keep us posted.

I'd love to know how the trip goes. I'll let you know how Disney goes. Fingers crossed there's nothing to report. All right, lead with love, sell your pride and just say, listen, I love your sister, I just, I really, all I really want is to get along with you and listen, I'm okay if we don't always see eye to eye,

but I wanna respect you, I hope you respect me, and whatever I can do to keep the peace, let me know. And that's generally the message and the only thing you should say over and over and over to her sister, some version of that. Don't get into the weeds with any type of argument with her sister. Let your girlfriend do that. Right. Okay. That won't go anywhere. No. Absolutely not. All right. All right. Thank you so much. I really appreciate your

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I'm trying to figure out if I should pay for my friend's car repair. I can go into the story if you want. Yeah. Who's the friend? Okay. So it's my best friend. It's someone that I spend a lot of time with and just to be upfront, their pronouns are they and them.

So I will refer to them as they and them. Okay. So they're my best friends. We've been friends for about four years, but we're really good friends. We spend multiple times a week together and they know like most things about me. How long you been best friends with this person? Like four years.

Okay, is there any chance of romance in either direction that you may or may not be aware of? No. Okay, all right. How much money are we talking about? $800. Okay. And then why does this person need money in the first place?

Well, so you could say it's my family's fault their car is damaged. So it was about a month ago, I was moving into my new apartment and my stepdad who was driving the moving vehicle accidentally hit their car. The damage is very minor. It's like an inch or so on the driver's side door.

It's simply cosmetic. You could say it was my stepdad's fault, but I also had a friend that was verbally directing the van. Like, go ahead, keep moving. And he, you could say it was his fault too. But when it happened, my friend, I could tell they were pretty upset, even though the damage was pretty minor. So I told them, hey, we'll take it to the shop. We'll get it repaired. I'll take care of it. Thinking because it was such a small dent, it wouldn't be a very high bill. So we took it to a company and

we got a quote and they said it was $800. And to me, that was kind of a lot of money. That was a high quote. I don't know if it matters, but I'm a teacher. I live paycheck to paycheck. So to me, that was almost a whole paycheck. It was something that I had to budget for. So we took it to a few other places to see if that quote was reasonable and other places it was a higher quote than that. So we were gonna take it to the original place to backtrack it.

First we went to the place, the repair guy said he could try to buff it out at first and my friend said that they weren't comfortable with that. So that was a little bit startling to me and it was a little bit upsetting. Why weren't they comfortable with it? Like, what kind of car is it? It's bright green.

If that matters, that's why. Is it new? That's part of, no, it's 2017. It's just like a regular car. Okay, it's not like a. There's nothing special about it. And they're not like a car person? No, no, no, no.

All right. But they're very particular about their car. Like my dog isn't allowed in their car. But they're very particular about their car. Like my dog isn't allowed in their car. Like they're very particular about their car, which is I knew that I had a time. So that's why I was like, knew that I, it was not to get it paid for. Who was driving when this happened, by the way? So their car was parked on the street and my stepdad was driving the truck, the moving truck that hit their car. Okay. And then someone else was directing your dad and they both, I guess, screwed up. Yeah.

And then scratched your friend's car? Yeah. The front bumper? Yeah. But no structural damage? Front door. Front door. Front door.

Okay. No structural damage, not at all. It's a little over an inch long. How long ago did this happen? Like the beginning of September. What conversations? But it's still going on because it still hasn't been fixed yet.

It's ongoing. And by ongoing, it sounds like this is like continue to escalate and is creating tension between you and your friend. Yeah, and now we haven't spoken in weeks and I've blocked that on all social media because to me, it's less about the money right now and more about the fact of how they've reacted to the situation.

Not only do I think it's a little bit ridiculous that they're making me pay this, I wouldn't say making, but they're asking me to pay this money without trying cheaper ways first. I have a friend that said I could order this like paint marker that matches like the make and model of a car and we asked if we could try that first. Does your friend have car insurance? Yes, but my stepdad like wasn't insured when he was driving the moving vehicle

so I didn't wanna go through insurance. I don't know if that makes sense or not but I just, I don't know, I didn't wanna go through insurance. I still could I guess, I don't know if it's too late. I get what you're saying, I don't know if that makes sense or not, but I just, I don't know. I didn't want to go through insurance. I still could, I guess. I don't know if it's too late. I get what you're saying. I don't know if it's too late. Well, first of all, I get technically it's not your choice.

It's your friend's choice. Right. You're not calling the cops. Correct. So I don't really think maybe talk to a lawyer. I, so I'm not a lawyer and I'm not giving legal advice here, but that only matters in a particular state that like, for example, California requires you to have car insurance.

Other states are different. If you guys lived in California and you're, I'm pretty sure that, you know, if your friend call and file the claim now, granted, your friend could be like, well, I don't want to file a claim because that might raise my insurance and yada yada. They may ask who is involved in your car insurance. Their car insurance company might then try to go after, I suppose, your dad or the other people involved.

And if it was, if they had insurance, they would try to recoup. But like we're talking and I understand $800 is a lot of money for a car insurance company. I don't know how much money it is. And that is why people have insurance. You know, also your friend could just be like, I have a scratch on my door and I don't know how it happened. I'm not trying to suggest that they lie to their car insurance company, but I don't know if the devil is in the details here.

We're talking about a scratch. And I agree from everything you're telling me, it sounds like your friend's being pretty ridiculous. I mean, it seems insane to me that a friend would ask you to give up an entire paycheck for something that ultimately doesn't affect their ability to get from point A to point B. I'm not expecting them to be happy about their scratch, but as you've pointed out, you're trying to find solutions.

They seem to be completely unwilling to hear any of those solutions out. What they want is like, they want their card to be what it was before this accident happened, which hey listen I get it, but they're not willing to really do anything. And where does your, where do the people actually involved in this come into play in terms of like actually being the ones who compensate your friend? Because like that would be reasonable for your dad and that other person to maybe say, hey sorry how much was? Well, we'll pay you. I don't know why you're involved.

Yeah, no, totally. I agree with that. I felt like I should cover the bill. First, I didn't think it was going to be that much money. I was thinking it was going to be like $300, $400. Not even though that would be half your paycheck. Right, right, right. It's still a lot.

My stepdad did give me $200. I owe my mom and stepdad money for a vacation I took, so I don't fully feel comfortable asking them for all of it. But you're not asking for it, they did it. I don't understand. I know, no, I know, I know. Up front I said because everyone was helping me move

and it was like a 90 degree day in August that I was gonna cover it because I felt bad. So I did offer to pay it again before I knew what the quote was. So I felt like it was my responsibility to pay it. That makes sense. So to me, it's like, yes, my question is, should I pay it? But also it's like,

what do I do about this friendship? Because either way, I'm annoyed. I pay it and I lose all this money or like, either way, in my opinion, the friendships kind of over with. I really don't like how they've handled this. Also, the car is supposed to take three days to get done. And to me, this is ridiculous. They're expecting me to transport them to work or pay for their Ubers the days that they don't have transportation. Not only do I have to pay you a hundred dollars, but I have to pay a couple more hundred dollars in Uber fares for their transportation to and from work.

How big is this scrap? What are we talking here? Is this like an inch? Is it like the whole door? What are we talking here? I can like send you picture. Oh, please. Yes. Yes. Yes. Send it to Justin. I think you're going to laugh. Your friends being ridiculous. I mean, I don't, send this to Justin. I think you're gonna laugh. Your friend's being ridiculous. I mean, I don't know what else to say. Okay, so is this enough to end the friendship over?

To me, it's not. I mean, I don't know, well, how have you respond? So what I'm hearing from you is you do not like how your friend has handled this disconnect between the two of you. My question to you is how have you handled your friend's action? Like how is your response to your disappointment

to your friend? What have you communicated to your friend as it relates to, because you're talking about, you've blocked this person and you're just like, I'm ready to be completely fucking done. And I don't know if you need to choose that. You know, I guess they could choose that. If I were you, I would say something like,

listen, I'm in a tough position here. I'm really sorry about this. And you know, as you know, I'm trying to find solutions. I can't afford this. I'm a teacher. This is an entire paycheck. Even if I could afford to fix it, your expectations of me, you know, if you really want this, then file an entire paycheck. Even if I could afford to fix it, your expectations of me,

if you really want this, then file an insurance claim. Do you think this person would go so far as to throw your family under the bus? No, I don't think that. That's the thing. It's like, do I just simply not pay it and just not say anything? I didn't block their phone number. I only

blocked them on all social medias. We only talked on Snapchat really so they probably think they're blocked totally but they're not. So to me I was just gonna wait and see if they called me. Well how about how do you think they took you blocking them? I can't imagine well. Terribly, not well at all. Like they were very, I was very much their main source of social life. Okay. So I don't think they took it well at all.

Why did you block them? Because it was also kind of hard for me. I felt like, like this is someone, it was kind of felt like, you know, like a breakup, you know? It was like, I was upset with this person for making me do something that I thought was crazy to ask of your best friend So I was really let down and I didn't want to see anything about theirs anymore I didn't want to see things they were doing. I didn't want to say something. I would regret I just didn't want to have access to them anymore. It wasn't necessarily like an F-U.

It was just kind of, I wanted, I didn't want any access. But you didn't communicate that to them, I'm guessing. You just blocked them. Correct. And then also did you express in detail why you didn't agree with their ask? No, and we didn't even have like a fight per se. They just said like my car appointment is for the end of October. I will need this, this, and that. It'll be $800 and this is what I expect. And I just... They said that this is what I

expect? And they said I will be sending you my Uber receipts for related expenses. Okay. Do you think this person would sue you? Yeah. I mean, not that. No, no, I truly don't. I don't, I don't think that. I mean, if they, yeah, for a lot of reasons. I mean, we're talking small claims here.

I think there's mistakes on both sides. Let's focus. I mean, I don't really know or care about your friend. I mean, whatever, but you do. So, and I care about you and you're calling in for advice. Your friend has every reason to be upset with you for blocking them without communicating why you're blocking them.

And who knows what your friend is thinking and feeling in terms of why you're blocking them. And they would be entitled to be thinking whatever, because you chose not to communicate why. And so now it's up to them to fill in whatever gaps you didn't express to them. And that is on you. If you don't not to communicate why. And so now it's up to them to fill in whatever gaps you didn't express to them, and that is on you. If you don't wanna communicate-

So you think I shouldn't have blocked them? You think that was wrong? I think it was a bit preemptive. Okay. I mean, I think it seems a bit drastic from what I'm hearing to cut off your best friend for a disagreement. This is a disagreement.

This is not even that big of a disagreement. I mean, I understand money's involved so things can be more sensitive, but this is nothing to throw a friendship over. And I understand you are frustrated with how they handled it, but in all relationships, friendships, romantic relationships, family dynamics, we're often disappointed at how people handle disappointment. And we have to have conversations about what we're disappointed about. To me, it was a bit premature of you to just be like, all right, well I don't know, I'm really annoyed by my friend and I'm really upset by how they're handling this. Block. I'm done. That seemed hasty from where I stand. Before you got to that

point, I would have wanted you to say, hey listen, like can we talk? Because one, maybe you don't realize is I can't afford this. This is an entire paycheck for me. And if we're just doing some basic math, your expectations of me covering your Ubers and whatever we're talking, I don't know, two paychecks, a month's paycheck, do you expect me to give up a month's of my salary for like, well, I know you're annoyed and I would be annoyed too, but this is a small scratch on your car an old car I'm guessing their car like isn't immaculate so many so many other things wrong with it right so that that

that in itself is is truly insane for it to not even you know but but you have to express that in a in a in a mature. And don't use words like insane. You could say it just doesn't make sense to me why you want me, your best friend, to be out a month's salary to fix a scratch when your car has a bunch of other scratches on it. Like why would you want me to do that? Do you understand the impact that would have on my life?

This scratch has no impact on this person's life other than like the annoyance of looking at this scratch and they want you to like be out a month's salary. That just doesn't make sense. And so, but you at least need to hear your friend understand your point of view and where you're coming from and then see how they respond. If your friend responds and says, says, tough luck, it is what it is, right is right and wrong is wrong and I'm really expecting you to do this or else our friendship is over, then let them end the friendship over this. But I don't know why you're ending the friendship over a

miscommunication and you know like, you know, it just seems like it's a snowballed. Yeah, I can see why you think it would snowball. I think in my head, I was more, I was also upset about they had no reaction to it. It didn't seem like they cared. When we heard that the quote was gonna be so expensive, they didn't say anything about it. There was no sympathy.

There was, I know this isn't, this sucks, I'm sorry. It didn't feel like a best friend. It felt like a car accident I was having with a stranger. It didn't- Is your friend fully aware of your financial situation? Absolutely. And they completely tell me all the time how they don't have any debt.

They always talk to me about it. It's, yeah, they are very aware of my financial situation. But if this person really is your best friend, as you say they are, then you need to communicate all these thoughts and feelings. I mean, this is just a conversation you guys are choosing not to have that you should be having with a best friend.

If I were you, this is what I would say. I feel stuck. Okay, so should I text them? No, I mean, you should call. I should call. I mean, again, well, it depends on what your goal is. If your goal is to try to work through this issue with the least amount of resistance, that would be calling.

Texting, you're leaving open the door for them to interpret your text in the manner in which they're feeling about you, which is almost never accurate in terms of what message you're trying to convey. They're gonna read it in the emotional state of mind almost never accurate in terms of what message you're trying to convey. They're gonna read it in the emotional state of mind that they're in, not the one that you were in when you send it. And so you're hoping that they're

gonna receive it in the manner in which you sent it. If you call, then you have the benefit of them hearing your voice, your inflection, your body, you know, if they see you in person they can read your body language, etc et cetera. Like it's just more forms of communication. And again, it depends on what your goal is, right? If your goal is to salvage this friendship, then who cares, you know, you should be willing to have any form of communication that you want. That works.

Just like the last couple weeks when we haven't been talking, I've been kind of like reflecting to see like, am I missing having them in my life? Like, how am I feeling about it? And I don't feel like, like I miss them a ton. I more miss like just having someone to hang out with as often as I was hanging out with them. So I don't really know. I'm kind of feeling like, and this isn't the first time that something like this happened. Like last year, like I won't go into it, but last year when I was moving again,

something else happened and we got in a pretty big fight over that. So it's like, what's gonna happen next time I move? It's like kind of what's in my head. Maybe so. I still think, listen, it's this one man's opinion, but there's something to be said about how hasty you have reacted to the disappointment of your friend. And so

whether it's this friend or your next friend or a family member or a future partner, it sounds like you need to get a little bit better about how you communicate your frustrations. And this could be, regardless of whether this friendship is saved, I think it would do you well to kind of see this through and say what needs to be said and let your friend decide. You can still work through this issue, say what you need to say, communicate what you need to communicate.

And if you need to pull back from this friendship still, you can still do that. But yeah. Because it seems like a lot to have someone that was such a major part of my life to just end the way it did. So I do think it maybe needs some type of a next step, whether that be closure or conversation. Yeah, because like, it's like, to me, the math's not math thing for you to defer to this person is your best friend of four years, and be so willing to like, have them be

completely removed from your life. Like that. It just like a really big situation that was going on and it seemed like really, really crazy to me, the things that she was asking. So to me it was just like a lot going on and I just wanted to be done with it. That makes sense. But I understand that they are my best friend and I think it's something that.

Well, that's the part of you that I feel like you need to work on because I don't know, maybe there's some sort of avoided attachment. I don't know, I don't know. I'm not a therapist so I'm not diagnosing you here but your lack of willingness to deal with this problem is a you problem. And that's a problem that will stay with you for your next relationship, like I said, be it friendship, romantic friendship or not. And you can't avoid moments of total disconnect with some of the closest people in your life. That is inevitable with any relationship you will ever have.

And at some point, you are going to have to work through these with the people you care about and not just be willing to like remove them from your life once it runs its course. Yes, friendships come and go. Maybe this friendship has run its course. Let you decide not solely based off this interaction because that seems nuts, but like you're, you would be making this decision after like, you know what, honestly, I don't know if we'll ever be

as close because of this because, yeah, again, how your friend is handling this is suggesting they lack the empathy that you would want in a close friendship when it comes to your situation. It gives a couple of red flags about how much this person is willing to be a friend to you as opposed to their willingness to need a friendship from you. Yeah, my advice would be solely based off of you addressing the part of you that it seems so willing to avoid confrontation.

Yeah. And I feel like I would feel better if I had a conversation with them. It's probably best to do in person, I feel. Yeah. And then ask yourself, how much of you deciding that you don't really miss this person comes down to you wanting to avoid the thing I'm telling you not to avoid? Yeah, I don't want to have a conversation with them at all. Okay. So you need to work through that. So yeah, most of it. Yeah. Yeah.

So if you cared enough to call in and get my advice that tells me you care more about this friendship than you are admitting to yourself. Yeah, I definitely do care about it a lot. If I were you, I'd reach out to this person over the phone, even better would be like, reach out and be like, I miss you, I'd like to talk to you, can we get together for coffee and talk about,

you know, our disconnect? I'm sorry for blocking you. And they say, I'm sorry for blocking you. I should have explained why I did that, but honestly, I shouldn't have done that in the first place, but can we get together and talk? Ask that. If they don't say yes to your offer,

then say, well, can we get on the phone? Hopefully they say yes to both of those. If they don't say yes to either of those, then I would simply say, again, I'm sorry for blocking you. I'd like to explain myself when you are ready to talk, I'd love to get together or get on the phone, but I wouldn't offer texts. If they're like, well, just text what you have to say,

say, I would rather not, and I think this is at least a phone call conversation, but when you're ready, I'm here, you say that. You make yourself available and put the ball in their court. When they do get ahold of you, you just say, listen, again, I just wanna start by saying, I'm really sad that we're fighting. I really love you as a friend.

I miss our friendship. I shouldn't have blocked you. I think my reason for blocking with you is like, I just didn't really know how to handle this fight we're having. And I just kind of ran and hide and I'm really trying to work on that on my end. But I'm really frustrated because I feel like I'm stuck in this position because I'm trying to do the right thing. I was moving, you were willing to help. My family was willing to help. They were ultimately the ones that did this. I offered to pay for it, not realizing how much it would cost. And then everything kind of snowballed

from there. Turns out the quote was $800. You're fully aware of my financial situation. Just as a reminder, that's an entire week's paycheck for me, added on top of that your expectation of me paying for your transportation, like we're talking about a month's salary, you're expecting me to act like an insurance company. And I'm not here to tell you to file an insurance claim, but if you want, I'm not an insurance company. I don't have these types of funds. You are welcome to file an insurance claim. But like ask yourself, you know, again, financially it doesn't make sense

for this person to do that, because the rates would go up potentially over ultimately as something that's a little scratch and this car has a million scratches. I'm sorry this happened and I wish I could fix it, but you seem unwilling to like find any other solution that doesn't include me paying $800 and all of your transportation while your car gets fixed. A, I'm just gonna be transparent with you. I can't do that.

I can't. Even if I wanted to, I'm not in a position to do that. I hope that's okay with you. But in addition to that, it feels kind of almost, I don't understand why you are insisting on this since you know my financial situation and what? You're gonna make me pay all this money to fix this particular scratch while your car's still riddled with scratches? Like why would, that seems almost mean. Like do you realize how this would impact my life

if you made me do this? Yeah, that's how I've been feeling. And ask them, ask them if they've comprehended that. And hear them out. I would love to have them hear how you feel, process it and then respond. I would too, I want an answer to that, like why? But that's what friends do,

is they ask these tough questions and they express how they feel. And like get the simplest answer is they just have a completely different point of view of the situation and while they may be aware of your financial situation maybe they haven't considered it because maybe they're just in their own main character syndrome here and I don't know why they're doing what they're doing there's probably a reason and even though it doesn't make sense to us, it makes sense to them. Yeah, that's true.

And hearing your point of view might change theirs. Okay, well, I'll reach out to them. All right. And listen, if it doesn't go the way you want, at least you will know at that point you did everything you could. Right now, you're willing to give up a friendship, not having done everything you could to save it.

Yeah, I'm kind of just like taking the easy way out. Yeah, let's not do that. This shouldn't be that hard to do. I just, just the confrontation I don't love. I hear you, but life requires some kind of confrontation, especially with the people closest in our life. And a solution to run from all forms of confrontation, even with the people who are closest in our life, that's a recipe for disaster for you, especially if you wanna have relationships in your life.

Okay, thank you. All right, well, keep us posted, let us know how it goes. But yeah, just like lead with love, lead with empathy. You do not want this friendship to end and you miss this friendship, and you're hoping that you guys can figure this out. But you are simply just not in a position to meet their demands. And it seems from your standpoint, almost mean for them to expect this of you.

And you're sorry it happened. You wish it didn't, but if it really bothers them that much, you think they should file an insurance claim. Okay. Sounds good. I will give myself a week deadline. Is that good? Okay. All right. And don't sell yourself out. This shouldn't be that hard. I know you don't love confrontation, but this is about you working on that and practicing that. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. And having a wrap up and figure out what's next in the friendship. Yeah. All right. Let's just close the disconnect. That's all you're trying to do here. Okay. Work on my communication. All right. Keep us posted. All right. Thank you. Appreciate you. All right. Bye-bye. Bye. Thanks for listening. Again, don't forget to send your questions at asknick at thevilefiles.com. Be sure to join us tomorrow

for an electric episode of Reality Recap. Don't forget to join us on Wednesday for an explosive episode of Going Deeper with Ashley from Love is Blind. If you were left wanting more from the Love is Blind reunion regarding Tyler and Ashley and all the drama they've been dealing with online with his baby mama and all that crazy stuff. Be sure to tune in on Wednesday because you will be fully

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