The Viall Files - E838 Ask Nick - My Best Friend Is A Klepto… HELP

Episode Date: November 11, 2024

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! This week, we get straight into our callers. Our first caller wants to tell her mom she doesn’t want her staying with her after she has a baby. Our second caller is having trust issues with her best friend and is wondering if she can repair the friendship. And, our third caller’s friend stole from her and isn’t sure how to handle the situation.  “I don’t want to pry, but I don’t want you to lie to me.” Listen to Humble Brag with Cynthia Bailey and Crystal Kung Minkoff every Monday starting October 21st! Available wherever you get your podcasts and YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@humblebragpod https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/humble-brag-with-crystal-and-cynthia/id1774286896 https://open.spotify.com/show/4NWA8LBk15l2u5tNQqDcOO?si=c03a23d537f94735 Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice, send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: BetterHelp - Visit https://betterhelp.com/viall today to get 10% off your first month. Vessi - Discover more at https://vessi.com/viall and enjoy 15% off your first purchase at checkout. Lume - Use code VIALL for 15% off your first purchase at https://lumedeodorant.com  Caraway - The holidays are closer than ever, so get their gift (or yours) in time! Visit https://carawayhome.com/viall10 to take advantage of this limited-time offer for up to 20% off your next purchase. Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @justinkaphillips @dereklanerussell @kymccarthy23 @allisonklemes

Hey moms, looking for some lighthearted guidance on this crazy journey we call parenting? Join me, Sabrina Kohlberg. And me, Andi Mitchell, for Pop Culture Moms. Where each week we talk about what we're watching. And examine our favorite pop culture moms up close to try to pick up some parenting hacks along the way. Come laugh, learn, and grow with us as we look for the best tips. And maybe a few what not to do's from our favorite fictional moms. From Good Morning America and ABC Audio,

pop culture moms, find it wherever you get your podcasts. You're crazy. You're crazy. How's it going? Hi, I'm Alex. I'm 29 and I am struggling with how to tell my mom that I don't want her staying with me after my baby is born. Okay. Is this your first child?

Yes. It is. Okay. Is your mom staying with you now? No. So she lives about like 10 hours drive away. Okay. Is your mom staying with you now? No. So she lives about like 10 hours drive away. Okay. But she plans to, so she says like as soon as I go into labor, like drive up or hop on a plane,

whatever is quicker. And she wants to stay for like two weeks. What's your relationship with your mom? It's good. Like I love her. She's always like very supportive or pretty close, but she has been like very emotional I feel my whole pregnancy so far like emotional that she's not here like upset when I if I do anything kind of like special with my dad or my husband's parents I think she just wants to be like included but it's like a lot. So what I'm hearing is you empathize with mom

wanting to feel included, but it sounds like mom's making this a little too much about her rather than being a part of it. Yeah, from my perspective. Yeah, okay, well, your perspective does matter, obviously, in this situation. Well, how far along are you? She'll be here in about six weeks.

Okay, well, congrats, that's exciting. Thank you. Aside from your personal feelings about your mom and this situation, if I may offer some just input as being a recent dad, Nally's mom, and again, every parent-child relationship's different, Nally's mom is very easy to be around, I will say that. She's very good about not making things about her.

So that is a very important detail. She stayed with us for six weeks, and I gotta say, life-saving on our end. You know, like Nally and I, again, we're in a very fortunate position, so living in LA, a lot of people were just like, are you gonna get a nanny, are you gonna get a night nurse? I know that's not even an option.

A lot of people, I mean, I didn't even know what a night nurse was until I moved to LA. We didn't wanna do any of that. We wanted to be really active parents. We wanted to really embrace the whole experience, especially with our first child, waking up, feeding River, Natalie breastfed, all those things. And so in the middle of the night,

I'd wake up, Natalie would wake up, but her mom was there to take River at like five, six in the night, you know, I'd wake up, Nellie would wake up, but her mom was there to take River at like five, six in the morning and we got to sleep in, and oh my God, that was just like a fucking game changer. So I just wanna put that out there. Not sure, and if mom's not willing to help and do some of those things,

and if she just wants to be involved, then it's kind of useless, but like if I just yeah free child support is a really great bonus so if you have other options great but I do want to mention that I mean I'm open to like hearing that it might be okay I'm just like really nervous for like like I want like this is my first kid like I want to be the one like doing all the things. And my husband only gets two weeks vacation right when she's born. So like, I just don't want her kind of hovering, like telling me, oh, this is how you need a breastfeed. Like, oh, this is the right thing. Like we're both very like our way type of thing.

Like very, yeah, I hear you. I guess it just really comes down to what is your comfort level to have this, I guess maybe tough conversation with mom. Cause again, that's where Nally and I were very fortunate. Nally's mom, we didn't have to have any of these conversations. Both of our parents were very lucky.

My parents have a lot of kids and they have a handful of grandchildren. This was Nellie's mom's first grandkid. And even then, her mom was like, she was not there to give her input unless we asked. I mean, we're very lucky that way. I know a lot of people who do not have parents like that. And we're very lucky that both sides of our parents are very much like, they respect boundaries without us even having to enforce them. Not every parent's like that.

If your mom's not like that, you're just gonna have to have that conversation where you're like, mom, I just need to be very honest with you. This is our experience and we really, this is what we want for us, you know? Like, and that's the thing is like the problem right now with your mom, it doesn't sound like she's asking. Sounds like she's just like, I'm going to be there, you know, and off the bat, that's just

like a slight like violation of your boundary, your space. I understand she's grandma, but like there was, you know, she needs to ask. He needs to be like, hey, what do you guys want to do? What's your plan? What do you guys want? How can I help? What can I, you know. We were lucky enough to have Nellie's mom have that type of energy, so she made it very easy for us not to have to worry about her feelings. And that's, it sounds like where you're struggling is you know your mom and you know her sensitivity, and right now you have to deal with your mom

making her feelings more important than quite frankly, yours or your husband's. Yeah, no. I mean, I'm like open to having the conversation with her. I just kind of like, I don't know when, I don't know if, because I feel like there's two, like you said, there's like two types of people who want to help when the baby comes, like people who want to help with your other tasks and people who want to help and like sit there and hold the baby. But it's like, I'm fine with her helping us with our dogs, with the laundry, with whatever,

but I don't necessarily want her being like, oh, let me take your baby so you can go do that. Does that make sense? Sure, but I think there's a middle ground. Don't get me wrong, we didn't have Nally's mom stay with us for six weeks so she could be Cinderella and do our chores. That's definitely not why we had her.

She definitely helped. But I think it was just more like you. Nellie and I very much were like, we were gonna embrace this experience and we're gonna wake up and we're gonna be parents. But again, between like 5 a.m. and 7 a.m., like her mom was willing to wake up and that was her time and we got, those two hours of sleeping in was like,

it honestly saved us, our mental health, our sanity. It was nice, I mean, to be clear. It's one thing to wake up in the middle of the night, is like, you're gonna wake up every two or three hours early on and if you still have to get up at six a.m., that's tough. But when you have to get up a couple of hours during the day and you get to sleep into like seven or eight sometimes because someone else is holding the baby for a couple of hours, pretty great.

You know, I don't know if I'm going to feel like that. I don't know. Yeah. I mean, I feel like I'm going to be very like, like, this is my baby. I don't know. I already feel like I hear you. I listen. I could not have very like, this is my baby. I don't know. I already feel like that. I hear ya. Listen, Allie could not have been more connected to River and more, you know what I'm saying? She was as hands-on as anyone could be.

And everyone's birthing story is different. So I don't know what your experience is gonna be like. We had a very seamless experience, a really great experience in terms of limited complications, River, in terms of breastfeeding, was like very, we had very limited issues. And it was still nice, I guess, to just have that little bit of help.

So yeah, my two cents. And again, I completely get where you're coming from and I don't wanna doubt your ability to do what you want to do. I just, as a new parent of Reece and experience, it was nice. Again, I don't know how Nellie and I could have been more involved and more just like you.

I wanna take care of, and anytime we get, even now, and when River wakes up for a nap, Nellie and I are sometimes racing to the bedroom to see who gets to like take River out of the crib. We're like, we're very excited, involved, happy parents, you know, like we're, we are very hands on, but it's been nice to have a little bit of help for that one or two times a day where you're like,

you know what, honestly, I need to rest my, I need to rest my eyes. I need a moment, you know. I honestly, I need to rest my eyes. I need a moment, you know? I'm open to that consideration. Do you think you have any advice if I do wanna go ahead and tell her I don't really want her? I would be okay with her coming later on. It's just those first two weeks.

I mean, listen, I don't know the relationship you have with your mom. You know what I'm saying? You're talking to someone who would have no problem going to my parents or quite frankly, Nally's mom and say, hey listen, granted when it comes to Nally's mom, Nally checks in with me, but Nally is obviously in charge of that relationship,

you know, type of thing. And Nally's mom has never put us in a position where I'd have to like say, you know, like almost kind of like, hey, I'm gonna say something type of thing. And like almost like have a confrontational moment. We've never been put in that position, but you are talking to someone

who doesn't have a problem doing that. You know what I'm saying? Like I wouldn't have a problem going to my parents. And ultimately like what you need to do is just like sit mom down and say, hey mom, I'm very excited. You're very excited. I'm just gonna make, you know, let's say your husband's name and say, hey mom, I'm very excited, you're very excited, I'm just gonna make you know, let's say your husband's name is Ben, you know, Ben and I, we're just, this is what

we want, like this is our plan, these are our goals when we have our child, this is what we want to do. We'd love you around, but like I need to make sure that you're there to allow us to do what we want as new parents, and if you're willing to respect those boundaries, but we just don't really wanna be like fighting with you or like competing with you, but who gets like baby time? If you're willing to be around to help when we need help and kind of get the crumbs, so to speak. Like then, yeah.

Yeah, okay. How pushy do you think your mom's gonna be on this? I'm just very nervous because she's been so emotional. Every little thing, she cries or she storms out or like, I like I told her, I've had to tell her several times that I don't want her in the room when I'm giving birth. And she like cries. So I'm just like, I don't wanna hurt her feelings

and like I get that it is her grandchild too. But I'm just like. Yeah, you're in a tough spot. I mean, your mom is making this about you. Like it's not cool, like it's not fair. You shouldn't have to worry as a pregnant person. You should not have to be stressed at all about other people's feelings,

especially as it relates to how much attention or how much they're being made to be a priority in this birth. I think maybe you play that angle. I don't know. You know your mom, so it's tough for me to, other than pointing out the obvious, but maybe you could say, mom,

like I'm spending way too much time, mom, worrying about your feelings right now, and it's stressing me out. I wanna care about your feelings, you're my mom, I wanna see you happy, but like I have six weeks left here, it's really important that I'm not stressed out, and I am, so I really need you to just be on board with what I want for my child and our child,

and we want you to be a part of it. But like, you're not the main character here, mom. You know, I don't know. Your mom's giving, can you have that conversation with your mom? Not without there being a lot of tears and emotions. What's your partner's relationship with your mom? It's good.

She really loves him. But I wouldn't say they've spent a ton of time together, just because we've never lived in the same town. Would he be comfortable having this conversation with her? Probably not. I mean, listen, I am going to keep it real with you. Again, I want to recognize that me and Nellie are very lucky when it comes to our parents and what their roles are.

Now that you are having a child, you just have a tough choice to make. Unfortunately for you, your mom is making it about her. Now that you have a kid, you're gonna have to be willing to disappoint mom and not let it bother you. If your mom is going to make you choose between her feelings or your partner's feelings

or your child's feelings, personally I feel like you should be picking not mom. And it's up to mom to make the adjustment. And because you're six months pregnant, I don't want you stressed, I don't want you crying, I don't want you emotional, I don't want you worrying about this. And I kinda honestly feel like this might be a moment for your partner to step up as awkward as it might be to

Say hey listen Betty your stress and Alex out and like I know you I know you're excited I know this is a very exciting time for you It's exciting time for all of us But like you really need to start respecting Alex's wishes here and stop making her feel guilty for Doing what she wants. This is her pregnancy, this is our moment, and we love you, but you need to stop this. And you think that's appropriate,

like him to say that to my mom? Yeah. I mean, respectful. Like, you know, your mom, and then we've talked, you know, if you listen to the show, we talk about this a lot, you know, when we have people call in with issues with their parents. Like, it then we've talked, you know, if you listen to the show, we talk about this a lot, you know, when we have people call in with issues with their parents.

Like, it's parents really struggle, some more than others, with like understanding the new boundaries of their parent-child relationship, because your mom is quite frankly used to getting her way with you. How old are you again? You're 29? 29.

Okay, I mean, right now you are very accommodating to mom. You're afraid to disappoint mom, and mom knows that, and that's mom's greatest weapon towards you. And I don't know if you're, I don't think your mom's being manipulative in a conscious way, but I think she is used to knowing, I think subconsciously she knows that she can guilt you into getting her way.

For sure. And that's not going to stop until you guys Put your foot down. I feel like She's gonna come when the baby's born no matter what and since she doesn't live close She's obviously feels like she's gonna stay here You think I should like definitely bring this up before that or just at some point be like once she's here Hey, we don't want you to stay. I think you are entitled to ask for whatever you want.

This is your first child, this is your baby, this is you and your partner's first experience. I'm sorry that you even have to worry about this, to be honest, it sucks, unfortunately you do, but I think it really comes down to your willingness not to give a fuck about mom's feelings. That's what it comes down to. And your mom's gonna be okay.

Granted, my family dynamic's a little bit different. My brother just had his first child. He lives in San Diego, my parents live in Wisconsin, but they were, him and his partner were like, we just, we're going to do this. They didn't invite my parents, you know, to be there in the room. It wasn't, you know, my parents were okay with that, but they just weren't invited. You know?

Yeah. And that's how it is for my husband's side, just because they already have like six grandkids, so they also kind of don't really care. Yeah. But it's, it's still not your mom's first kid and it's not your mom's moment. This is not about her, you know? And mom needs to recognize that she is acting like the main character in a situation

where she simply is not. And she should not be adding stress to her daughter's life because she's more worried about being in the room. Yeah, do you think it would be appropriate or a good idea or an option to have this conversation with her? I'm very close with her best friend. Her daughter was my best friend. So like we've been close since forever.

If I like were to tell her about it and then have her try to talk with my mom about it, or do you think it would be better just coming from me or my husband? You know your mom best, so that's hard for me to ask. I think you need to get better at confronting mom in general, and that seems to be an issue for you. And until you do, your problems with mom won't go away.

That being said, I don't want you stressed about this. So if it will stress you, maybe now is not the time, six weeks left in your pregnancy, to have this big moment with mom. You can always, mom's not going anywhere. You can worry about changing that dynamic later, type of thing. You made a little, you made a face when I said,

mom's not going anywhere, there's something you're not sharing. No, I think, no, I mean, she's not leaving my life or anything, but I just feel like I don't, I feel like she's gonna be depressed, like, seriously, no, I mean, she's not leaving my life or anything, but I just feel like I don't, I feel like she's gonna be depressed, like, seriously, like, clinically, like, if I do this.

I think your mom's gotten really good at making you feel very guilty about disappointing her. That's what I think. Yeah, for sure. Your mom, I mean, again, I am not a therapist, I am not an expert in depression, but you don't get clinically depressed for not getting your way, I don't think I think

Bigger things at play here than just like throwing a temper tantrum. This is a temper tantrum There's an adult temper tantrum that your mom's throwing and she can because again, she's used to getting her way She knows it bothers you she is assuming you'll come around So you're clearly very uncomfortable with disappointing your mom. Yeah, why? So you're clearly very uncomfortable with disappointing your mom. Yeah. Why? Not that I'm not, not like for, I guess, disappointing her, but just like, I don't want her to be upset and sad. Like, because just like emotionally, I feel like she's just been so sad.

And like, I don't want her to like, she says things like I'll never like some, I feel like I'll never be good enough for you, like, for this situation or whatever. And does that feel like a reasonable thing for her to say? No. There you go. Adults can throw temper tantrums. They do it all the time, especially with their kids.

And I know it feels harsh to say, but you, this is, again, this is that challenge of being the adult, which you are, in this adult relationship you would ideally have with your mom, but you don't have an adult relationship with your mom. You still have this very child adult relationship with your mom. It's mostly your mom's fault because your mom, how many siblings do you have?

Just one sister. Okay, so your mom has had the benefit of probably not kind of letting that go. I'm the second oldest of 11. When I turned 18, my parents were like, well, good luck, man, I hope we didn't fuck you up. We don't have time to like helicopter parent you anymore. And so I was lucky that way.

I feel like my sister also is very, she does not care. She's always been like, I'm gonna do what I want, whatever, so I've been kind of the one that she can, I had the traditional wedding, I have this traditional college boyfriend, married house, baby, so I feel like she can kind of, like, But do you hear yourself talking though? Your sister's like, I don't give a fuck and mom was like, right?

Well, she doesn't give a fuck but like your sister did what she had to do and you need to look at your sister as the blueprint The only reason your mom continues to do it with you is because again you show a willingness to respond Your sister doesn't respond and it's your mom doesn't do that anymore You know what I'm saying? It's not a coincidence your mom guilts you like this and doesn't guilt your sister. Your mom's not going to your sister and being like, I'm not good enough for you, right? No, no, I don't think so.

You would think if anyone, she'd be saying that to you would be your sister because you seem to be way more considered and empathetic to your mom's needs than your sister does. Yeah. And yet why is your mom saying it to you? Well, it doesn't make sense. And? Exactly. So you know what I'm saying though?

But like, the more we talk, the more this really comes down to you not being afraid of disappointing mom and not letting her guilt and her temper tantrums, you know, you're legitimately worried about your mom slipping into some sort of depression. And that's not fair to you, and that sucks. It's ridiculous that you are, and I'm not saying that to make you feel ridiculous,

but I empathize with you. But it's not normal, and it's something you have to work through. What I don't want is you stressed over this for the last six weeks. Yeah. I do think it may not be something that you're used to, it might not be the dynamic that your partner and your mom have right now, but if you're asking me, do I think it may not be something that you're used to, it might not be the dynamics that your partner

and your mom have right now, but if you're asking me, do I think it's appropriate? Hell yeah, I think it's appropriate for your partner to step in and have your back and have you unload some of your worries and stresses onto him, because he's not pregnant and he can deal with that while he just says to you, I want you worrying about nothing about just chilling out,

not giving a fuck. I know that's easier said than done with mom, but you really have to go there. Your mom's not going anywhere. But again, she does it because she can. Your mom does it because she knows it bothers you so much that you're willing to call me and ask for advice and it's really bothering you.

You know what I'm saying? And your mom senses that. As your mom, she knows you as well as anyone and she feels that power she has over you and that's why she does it. Yeah, I think she also knows that it's a little bit ridiculous because she'll say something like,

oh, I just need to go get a therapist. I know it's too much, whatever. And I'm like, yeah, yeah. Do you say that to her? Or do you just say it on your breath? I've said this more recently, but it is on you to create the relationship you want with your mom in adulthood.

Your mom is never, just like your sister did. Your sister said, this is the relationship I want with mom and she did it and now mom has no choice but to respect your sister's boundaries. You aren't comfortable with enforcing your boundaries with your mom and therefore that's why mom hasn't adjusted her interactions with you. Yes, I hear you.

You know. Ah! Mm-hmm. But I empathize with why it bothers you so much and like obviously you care about your mom and love her and that's great, you just have to get a little bit better at disappointing mom. Yeah, she's gonna be coming out here in a couple weeks

just to help me get the nursery ready and stuff like that. You think I should just talk with her then or call her before then? Well, how would you say it? I feel like I would try first, maybe just asking her what's her plan, like what are you thinking? Now you sound like the girl who's like, so what are we?

This is your baby, this is your pregnancy. That's the problem is like you have to stop asking mom what she's okay with and hope that you guys are aligned. You need to start telling mom what you're okay with and expecting her to get on board. I think when mom comes, just enjoy mom, do the whole nursery thing, have her have a blast. I wouldn't bring this up before you get into the nursery,

I would do it after you get into the nursery and just have a good weekend or whatever. And then whenever you bring it up, be like, hey mom, can we talk about just like when the baby arrives and this what me and Ben's expectations are, and what we want. I know you're disappointed in wanting to be in the room. If I change my mind, I'll let you know,

but this is something that Ben and I have decided as a couple that we wanna do for us. And I'm sorry it's disappointing you, but I really need you, and I love you, and it really bothers me when you're sad. I need you to not make me feel guilty about doing what we want as a couple. Because it's stressing me out, mom,

and I don't think you want to stress me out. And I think you need to play that card with mom. I'm hoping mom's big enough to, you know, if you were to let her mom, you're stressing me out that she would recognize that's the last thing she'd want to do to her first grandchild. And I think you need to, someone needs to call out mom on her behavior, stressing you out. And I think that would be maybe something your partner could do. Or you, I'm fine with either, but someone needs

to. And I'm going to give mom the benefit of the doubt that she is too far gone into her feelings to recognize that, but she is smart enough to know that stress of any kind is the number one thing you don't want mom to experience and that she's causing you stress because you're so worried about not disappointing her and mom's so willing to let everyone know

when she's disappointed. And I really think your partner, if that was happening at our house and you were okay with, like if now it was like, I need my mom to stop, I would jump at the opportunity. And I would be respectful,

but I would be like, hey, you need to stop. I think my husband would be very worried about like burning a bridge or something. Well, your husband's probably following your lead when it comes to the relationship you have with your mom. And you've painted this picture where we can't disappoint mom or mom's going to cut us off. Like that's kind of how you talk. She's definitely not.

Yeah. So like stop. I mean, she's like so like obsessed with wanting a grandkid and yeah, yeah. I guess sometimes I just feel like maybe she's more like excited for the baby. Because your mom has the benefit of not being pregnant, not having to worry about all the things you have to worry about that comes with it. She just gets to be a grandma. So don't compare your experience to your mom's or anything like that. You know, I just.

And maybe it comes down to also me just feeling like, well, I'm your kid and like, this is my kid. So like. It's true. It is. Yeah. You're not good at standing up to mom. Clearly. And I think you're questioning some very understandable and normal boundaries you would like to set. And you're not confident in these boundaries because of your relationship with your mom. But I think all the things that you want for yourself as it relates to your pregnancy and how you and your partner want to experience that pregnancy and delivery and the days and weeks that

follow, whatever you want to do is totally cool and you should do, you know? And everyone else in your circle and your family, they all need to, what they should be doing is, how can we be a part of this experience for you? What can we do? How do you want us to engage? Of course everyone wants to meet the baby.

Your mom's not the only one. She doesn't get like, she's not more special because it's her first grandchild and the other family. You know, it's like, and I hope that your mom knows that. She feels very, I feel like she's very jealous with anything. You're doing this for your dad, you're doing this with the other, the in-laws.

What about me? Mm-hmm, it's something like. I'm willing to bet that you consider your mom's feelings more than any of these other people she keeps comparing herself to. For sure. And I think someone needs to let her know that and check her.

I'm like, mom, we consider your feelings more than anyone else, and whether you think that's true or not, that's a fact. And so much so that it's stressing us out. And do you really wanna be stressing us out out? Like that seems unfair mom. I need you to trust us that we are considering your feelings and stop guilting us for doing what we want to do with our child because no one else is. You guys hold all the power and you're not taking advantage of it. What bridge is he gonna

burn? He is the father of her first grandchild. He's got way more rights than she does. And she needs to be reminded of that. His feelings are more important than your mom's. What he wants is more important than your mom's. What you want is more important than your mom's. Like your mom should just be a grateful bystander who's there to help when you need. And if that's at five in the morning so you guys can sleep in, then great. Mom

should be super grateful for that. But mom shouldn't...and you should set that boundary with your mom too. Like mom, I'm not going to be a perfect parent. We're going to learn along the way. But when I want your input, I'll ask for your input. And I don't want to hear your input. I do not want your opinions about how we're raising our daughter. I do want your help but I will ask for that help. But like yeah again we're lucky that we didn't have to have that conversation but I would be willing to have it and it's an important conversation to have if you're not lucky enough to have parents who are willing to respect those boundaries without the conversation and it won't change until

you do. I definitely want to have the conversation. I it won't change until you do. I definitely wanna have the conversation. I just, I guess I'm just not sure. Still, if I wanna say, I guess, we just don't want you here at all, or let's kind of see how it goes. Well, the bummer for you is, it's like you just don't have faith that mom's gonna behave herself.

I'm guessing if you had the confidence that your mom would act like Natalie's mom or my parents, then you would let your mom, but you know your mom and you know how she's gonna be, and you don't wanna be stressed out when your baby arrives, I'm guessing, worrying about mom's feelings constantly. And that's the big, what I'm hearing from you

is that's the bigger reason why you don't want her there. You know? Because I know you haven't had your first child yet, but I think you get what I'm saying when I say that as much as involved parents as you want to be, someone there to like give you five minutes to close your eyes, and even if that's all you need, it will be a huge fucking help. And right now you unfortunately are feeling like you have to decide between that help that would be so beneficial or mom's constant feelings. And you're just like I don't know her feelings are just such a pain in the ass that I'll just

do something and it sucks that you're in this position but again it's not it's just not gonna change until and I think you say mom you do you go get therapy you need to tell her I mean she's open to it but like this is ridiculous mom and I someone needs to point out to her right away that her behavior is stressing you out. Because I don't think mom wants to do that, right? She doesn't. No, I mean, and she said it before too.

Like, you know, I kind of blew up at her once already. Like I told her, I feel like you're making my pregnancy about you. And she's like, I would never want to do that. I don't want to stress you out. But she is. But you are mom. I know.

But you are. So stop it. I mean, that's what I'm saying. Like your I don't wanna stress you out. But you are a mom. I know. But you are. I know. So stop it. I mean, that's what I'm saying. Like your mom isn't a child. And while your mom, you know, your mom is going through it right now, and it sounds like your parents are divorced, right? And so your mom, okay, but like, again, she is.

She is making literally your pregnancy about her divorce. I mean, she is. She's still competing with attention from your dad and if her divorce was difficult I empathize with her but like she's got a deal and it sounds like you give her way more attention than you give your dad because maybe your dad doesn't need as much. I don't know what you know but I think mom needs to start hearing some hard truths and she needs to like face some reality and even that means some tough love.

Yeah, I did have a conversation with her already because she wanted two weeks at Christmas too. And I said, I told her, like dad can get a week and you can get a week. Like that's only fair and she threw a fit. And I was like, well, you did that to yourself when you got a divorce, like you have to split the time. Oh, did she leave him or something?

Well, no, just, I mean, yeah, she did, but it was fine. They were never really happy together, so I was. I mean, but do yourself a favor and don't say it like that, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because she's just gonna find that triggering. And the point is, is you don't need to point out the obvious things.

Like, mom, don't make me explain to you why I'm going to give my dad and you equal time with their grandchild. Again, your mom reacting the way she did is ridiculous. Your problem is you respond to her ridiculousness. So she's gonna be like this works? What does your husband think about all this? My husband thinks that she's a lot and so having her here would be also a lot. Like he likes her. It's just like when she's here she's very involved and let me do this and let me do it. Like, what are we doing?

Yeah, I couldn't imagine. I couldn't imagine. Like I said, we're very lucky to it's the opposite for us. And I don't think she would be like bad to have. It's just like you said, like managing her feelings while she's here. While we have a brand new baby, I think that might be the biggest thing. And the energy, you do not want that energy in the house. You know, that energy you have in a house where someone's just moping around and they're being passive aggressive,

it's fine, it's fine, it's fine. The last thing you need is your mom walking around all day, huffing and puffing and saying how it's fine when it's not fine. Yeah. And you know your mom. And so you're worried about that energy and that's fair. You gotta point this out to mom.

Yeah. She's gonna be fine. And you have all the power here. Mom's not gonna slip into a deep dark depression. She's about to have her first grandchild. Yeah. So tell her when it gets closer. Tell her when you're comfortable.

And if you're not, I mean, why is your husband really afraid to say something to her? He is very just like, he wants to keep our personal business personal. He wouldn't say anything. He doesn't air out any grievances between anyone besides us. What do you mean besides us? Like we'll have disagreements and whatnot together. But if that goes beyond us, like he's not okay with that.

I feel like it's hard for him to do like confrontation. Someone's got to, I don't know. This problem doesn't go away until someone puts their foot down with mom. Yeah, it'll end up being me, I know, which is fine. Yeah, but only if you can get to the point when it sounds like you're a bit away from that where you can do it without it really affecting you. Yeah.

I was going to say it certainly will, but I feel like, as you said, like I should set up the boundaries now, at least because what happens like in a year when she's one and my mom wants to take her for two weeks and Go on a vacation with the baby and I need to be able to tell her no Really? I mean the fact that your mom you're not gonna want that's And if are you really would you have a hard time that's it no no no I'm just saying like if there's if something else comes up where you know, I'm going to a wedding in May or whatever. And she's like, let the baby

come stay with me. I'm probably not comfortable with that. Yeah. And you shouldn't just tell her. Yeah. And that should be easy for you. Yeah, it's not. But we'll work on it. That's why your mom's so okay with asking for the ridiculous. And she knows that it's not, but I'll work on it. That's why your mom's so okay with asking for the ridiculous. And she knows that it, like, I feel like she knows those emotions and stuff are ridiculous, but. But you respond to them, so. Yeah. The blueprints there, I mean, your sister,

everything you said about her, like, it's, are you in therapy? Is it relates to your mom? No, I probably should be. Because, yeah, there's something going on that, you No, I probably should be. Yeah, there's something going on that, you know, I don't know what it is. Maybe you're, when did your parents get divorced?

I was 16. Okay, I don't know. Maybe that affected you in a way, or maybe you were just worried about picking sides and disappointing mom and dad. I don't know, but, your fear of disappointing your mom seems slightly unhealthy. You know, I'm not trying to come down on you,

but like, as a 29-year-old woman, you should not be this afraid to set some very reasonable boundaries with mom. And your mom seems way too comfortable asking for unrealistic things. And it seems very clear that she's able to do that because you've, she just knows you won't push back and that she, she sees in you the disappointment that you have with disappointing her.

And that is why she does what she does. It's, it's no different than when your daughter gets older. If you and your husband allow your daughter or your child to do what they want, you're going to be dealing with someone at a certain age who's going to act out and is going to be spoiled and is going to throw temper tantrums when they don't get their way. Your mom is just an adult version of that right now. Yeah, I feel like she's very loving. I'm sure she is.

Yeah, I'm sure she's great. Yeah. I'm sure she'll be a great grandparent and everything. Yeah, I'm sure she will. But she is always going to ask for more from you in any situation she wants more. And that's usually gonna come in the form of time and attention or time with her grandchild.

And she will throw a fit every time she doesn't get her way and that will be an emotional burden on you until you're able to confront mom without it really affecting you all that much. And it sounds like maybe you could talk with someone and work on why you feel the way you do when it comes to your relationship with mom. And there clearly is some kind of mental hurdle

that you have or some like subconscious fear. Not that I feel like she cut us off, and like it sounds bad, but I just like, I don't want anything to happen to her. Like she gets too upset, I don't know. I hear you. Your mom has done a number on you. Dramatic, she's a little dramatic I guess.

You're not alone. I'm guessing there's a lot of people listening right now when they do listen to it. I recognize that I've been very lucky, and Natalie's been very lucky when it comes to that. And I know most parents, not even some, most are probably similar to yours, and they are to mine and Natalie's,

but it's up to you. This ain't changing unless you do something about it. Yeah. Because mom's not. I like it. Yeah, mom, how old she is now, she might get into therapy, but she probably won't get into therapy until you insist she gets into therapy.

Or something is gonna have to feel like quote unquote rock bottom. But I don't think, not that I know anything about your mom, but I'm gonna go ahead and think, guess that mom is not gonna be so self-centered that she is going to create some sort of mental health crisis on her end as a result of her not getting her way. I don't think your mom would be that selfish.

I don't think she would either, but I do get, every couple comments sometimes I'm like, it just makes me nervous. Well, she says it cause you react. Yeah, true. She doesn't say it to your sister. Well, or she does and she just rolls off, she doesn't really care.

And as your mom's stealing your sister's life, as much as your sister allows it. And when you disappoint your mom, you just follow up, be like, mom, sorry if I disappointed, I love you. I'm always here. I'll always be here. I'm always there for you.

I'm sorry this is upsetting you. I still love you. When you're ready to talk, I'm here, but this is how it's going to be. And you have to really, you gotta assume the role almost as a parent here when it comes to your mom. Like good practice for you.

Yeah. Well, maybe I'll tell her, hey, I'm gonna get into therapy like you should do. Sure, but you don't, you shouldn't have to do it just to get your mom into it. Sounds like maybe you could benefit from it. There is something going on with you and mom. I don't know what it is. So yeah, I hope this was helpful. I don't know. But I would love for your

husband to maybe also be willing to. I think you two as a team, as a couple, need to sit down and say, hey, we have a problem. Problems mom. We love mom, but she is causing stress. That's, neither of us want this stress. So as a couple what should we do about it? Should you talk to her? Should he talk to her? I don't know. You guys just to be a team, decide together, remind each other this is your experience. That all that really matters is what you want and need and what he wants to need and what your child needs. That's all that matters.

And everything else is irrelevant and insignificant. And you are gonna make sure that all the grandparents and the siblings and whoever wants to share in your experience will be able to share in that experience. But when you guys are ready and you shouldn't have to worry about when that time is, you will be ready when you're ready and none, you know, and you guys need to remind each other of that

so that you can have each other's backs when other people don't wanna respect that boundary and you can support each other when one of you needs to enforce that boundary with someone, you know, because you're gonna have each other's backs. So if one of you, whoever it is, decides to confront mom, the other person is saying, we're doing the right thing, we have each other's backs. So if one of you, whoever it is, decides to confront mom, the other person's saying, we're doing the right thing, we have each other's backs,

we're here to support each other, what do you need? If it's your husband who confronts mom, then you're just like, just you know, you're doing this for me, thank you, I have your back, I'm giving you kind of permission, because it is your mom. And if it's you, then your husband's there to have your back saying, your mom will always love you she's not going anywhere your mom

you know just kind of all the things I'm saying to reinforce that it's gonna be okay you guys need to really be there for each other and support each other because all this other thing all these other things can be daunting I think that's a really good way to approach it with him too because I know that's like all he wants is like to support me and I know he would if it ever came down to like in the moment something was happening I know that's like all he wants is like to support me. And I know he would, if it ever came down to like in the moment, something was happening, I know he would say something, but I'm not so sure about ahead of time.

But, and I do feel like I, I should have the conversation with her. What if you, you know, I wrote her a letter, you know, and just like, mom, this is how I'm feeling. I, I, because you are, you are six weeks out from having a baby. You know, like everyone in the world, even like 18 year old boys know that pregnant women shouldn't be stressed out. You know what I'm saying?

Everyone knows pregnant women shouldn't be stressed out. And your mom must know that on some level, this is causing you stress. She's certainly not thinking about it right now. She is so caught up into being the victim in this whole little story right now, I'm gonna give her the benefit of the doubt it hasn't crossed her mind, but someone, I think at a minimum, someone needs to point out that her putting her needs as a first-time grandma ahead of even you as a first time mom is causing you stress.

And whether or not she wants to do that, she is in fact doing that. And someone needs to point that out. I honestly think your husband would be the perfect person. It's his kid, he's as involved as you are, and it's kind of a moment for, be like, hey, you know, and you doing it, it's only gonna cause you more stress. You shouldn't have to fight with your mom right now.

I'll do it. Give me one. Well, I was gonna say maybe I'll, maybe help my sister talk with her and just say that part. And then I'll have the, I definitely wanna have a conversation with her in general, but just to say like, you are, just so you know,

like even though you don't want to be stressing her out you are not kind of you are she you know you are and if mom if you could stop if you're if I'm your sister point out mom if you could just stop reacting to being disappointed every time you do. You're gonna get more time. But right now, Alex is so worried about you doing what you do that you're stressing her out. And like, if you're gonna make Alex choose between being stressed and you being around,

she's gonna choose not being stressed. And doesn't that suck that you're putting her in that position? So, stop making her feel bad for giving her dad time to her grandchild. Equal time, mind you, mom. Not even less probably. Yeah. Stop feeling bad that like Ben and Alex have decided for themselves that they

want to be a couple when their baby is born. Stop making Alex feel bad for whatever it is she wants. It's her goddamn pregnancy. Yeah. You know? And yeah, maybe your sister is a good one to do that. If, if. She'd feel very comfortable.

Yeah. And then your sister could be like, do not call Alex. And cause that's what mom's gonna want to do. Why did you have your sister tell me? And your sister needs to be like, don't fucking do it mom. I mean, if your sister wants to be the bad guy here, let her be the bad guy. Eventually, yes, you need to face mom,

but maybe now is not the time because of the time you're in, but let your sister be the bad guy. But you have to at least give yourself permission not to care. You can't be calling up your sister, be like, is mom okay? How did she act? Is she gonna be okay?

Your mom's going to be fine. Okay. And if your sister doesn't want to do it, send me mom's number. I'll give her a call. I'll just send her. All right. I really want you to enjoy this. This should be a really beautiful and exciting time for you. This is not shit you should be stressed or worried about. No, I'm very excited. I'm like, I've always wanted to be a mom. All right. And if that being said, if we can fix this and whoever, whether it's mom or someone

else, if you can get those couple hours of sleeping in, I tell you, it was such a game changer to be able to sleep in for a couple hours. Yeah. It was really nice. Well, congratulations. Go enjoy these last six weeks. I look forward to the day that you can adjust your relationship with your mom. You and your husband have all the power, are in total control. And it just comes down to you guys recognizing that

and taking advantage of that. Mom has no power or control over your pregnancy, your child or your relationship unless you allow her to have it. Right. Okay, well keep us posted. If you need another pep talk, I'm happy to help. You should be thinking about your nursery or whatever, anything, anything but this.

You should not be worried about this. This is, this is, it shouldn't. And you are, and that sucks. And someone needs to point that out to mom. I do think your sister is probably a good person to do this. All right. Good luck. Thank you. All right, take care. All right. Good luck. Thank you.

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$99 at Vessi.com. Don't wait, grab yours before they're gone. How's it going? Good, how are you? Good, what's your name? My name is Alexis. I'm 32 years old. How can we help Alexis? So I'm having trust issues with my best friend and I'm wondering if I can repair our friendship. How long you guys been best friends?

Over 20 years now. 20 years. Okay. Why do you have trust issues? It's a long story, but she's been this last year hiding some things from me and it's become more obvious lately. What do you think she's hiding? She's been seeing this guy for about six months and called things off in August, but I have suspicions that they're seeing each other again, but she's actively hiding it from me. Why do you think she's hiding it? I honestly don't know. Do you not like him?

I've never voiced anything in any way about him because I've never met him personally. So any concerns I've expressed, I've tried to do so delicately, but she can be kind of defensive. How old are you again? 32. Okay. You don't trust her.

Does that have, does this all start with this guy or are there several other instances where you realize she might not be that upfront with you? I would say more so this year. I think it started with this situation because we've always been super transparent with each other and we've both been in toxic relationships in the past. So we've helped each other work through those things

and really seen all sides and we've never, to my knowledge, hidden anything from each other. And so why are you worried that this is gonna ruin your friendship? I think for me, I have trust issues from some of the things I've been through that I've really tried to work through in therapy. And for me, it's the lying and hiding. So somebody actively taking extra steps to continue a narrative that's untrue, that's the lying and hiding. So somebody like actively taking extra steps to like continue a narrative that's untrue, that's what really hurts me. Okay.

All right. Well, thank you for the information. I'm going to say some things. Feel free to interrupt if it's not resonating with you. Yeah. Couple of things that you said that I feel like I have a different POV than you might have, right? You mentioned this person is someone you've been best friends for 20 years. You're 32 years old. I feel like I have a different POV than you might have. Right?

You mentioned this person is some of you have been best friends for 20 years. You're 32 years old. You've known her since you were 12 years old. So this is essentially like a sibling to you. Yeah, we call each other family. There you go. And I think that's important to remember.

Because like, you know, I always say, it's like you don't pick your family, you pick your friends, so to speak. Right? Now she is a friend, you picked her. But for 20 years, so much of your friendship is based off this history. You know what I'm saying? You've been in each other's lives. But your friendship, when you guys were 14, that has really no bearing on your friendship

today. You know what I'm saying? But like, I guess my point is, is like, like siblings, I'm always gonna love my siblings. I'll always be there for them. I may not be as close with some of them at times. We might go through periods of like disconnect or fighting or just we might lose touch for a period of time. They might change a little bit. They might get into things, hobbies,

or they might make friends where we lose a little bit of touch, whatever, you know what I'm saying? But we'll always be family, and we'll always find our way back to each other. And I think a friend that you've had for over 20 years, I think you have to, like, be a little bit more realistic with your overall expectations of this friendship. This is not someone you met six months ago or 12 months ago where you like, you know,

became friends with and you were kind of inseparable, you know, for like six months and you went around telling everyone you guys are best friends and then they did some weird shit and you're thinking, wait, I mean, I know we've been inseparable for six months, but like this is kind of weird behavior and like, should I be as close with this person as I wanna be? That's not what's going on with your friend. You've known this person for almost their entire life, her entire adult life, so you give that person a little bit more grace.

You know what I'm saying? So here you are having experience, lies and deceit with other, I'm guessing, romantic partners or toxic relationships. Your friend, for whatever reason, is dating or toxic relationships. You're a friend for whatever reason is dating someone that you're not even sure why, but is like not being as forthcoming with you as you wish she was or you expect her to be.

I don't know if that's quite the same. You know what I'm saying? I guess my point is like, there have been plenty of times where I was like, I don't need to tell my sibling this. I don't owe this them this information. I don't want them to know. I don't know why I don't want them to know. I don't even feel like I need to explain myself. I just don't want

to tell them. And I feel like a friendship of 20 years, your friend is entitled to make that decision right or wrong when it comes to whether she wants you to know something or not know something. And that doesn't make her right. It doesn't mean she's maybe she's dating an asshole. Maybe you you know whatever. And that doesn't make her right. It doesn't mean maybe she's dating an asshole, maybe you, you know, whatever. But my point is, there's a reason why she's doing it. I don't know what the reason is. Definitely you wanna find out.

But having an idea of like, I don't know if I could be friends with her, you know, and that's not the same as her like lying to you per se. Am I making sense? I'm thinking this more like a sibling relationship and it's just more like her not telling you isn't necessarily the same as her lying to you. I guess, how would you perceive it if,

like I've directly asked questions, but then I know that she's coming up with stories to cover it. So maybe you say, hey listen, Becky, I love you. We've been friends our whole life. You know trust is a big deal to me. I'm just sensing there's things, you just, you don't seem to wanna tell me.

That's one of the things, it's like, you have to figure out what she's comfortable with sharing with you, and then you have to respect that boundary. Right now, you have an expectation that she owes you some information that clearly she's not comfortable for whatever reason to tell you.

But you're still, you're basically like, well we're best friends, you need to tell me everything, and she's not telling you. And now you're taking it as deceit or lies or, you know, that you can't trust her. And she's just like, I don't know. I don't want to tell her for whatever reason. And she doesn't necessarily need a reason. She can, she's allowed to not tell you. I get that. I think for me, because we talk almost daily, so it's really hard in our daily conversations for me to act like nothing's happening because I'm a pretty transparent person and I don't want to be fake or you know tiptoe around stuff. So you say, hey listen like I don't want to pry about topics that

you're not comfortable telling me, I just don't want you to lie to me and I am comfortable with respecting your privacy and your boundaries but just tell me what you want and not want to tell me. Sometimes, and it's not an excuse, but sometimes why do people often lie? I'm sure you've heard this before. I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want to upset you. And while again, that's not valid, maybe there's some element of disappointment your friend thinks you're going to have by her sharing her truth with you and she's just decided it's easier not to tell you or to like avoid the truth. So as a friend, maybe you can make her feel more comfortable with being like, listen, if there's things you don't want me to know, that's OK.

This is your life. It's your boundaries as your best friend. I'm just here to receive all the information you want to tell me. And I hope that you want to tell me everything. But I will say sometimes as friends, we paint the information you wanna tell me. And I hope that you wanna tell me everything, but I will say sometimes as friends, we paint this, you know, like couples, it's just like, we don't wanna disappoint our friends, we don't wanna disappoint our family,

don't wanna disappoint our partners, and sometimes along the way, we tell each other everything. We're best friends, we're inseparable. And now, because you have set this expectation with your friend five years ago, whenever it was, she thinks, well, I have to tell her everything. You know what I'm saying?

So as your relationship evolves, your relationship is not the same it was when you guys were 14 or 16 or 22 or 23. It's constantly changing. And friendships of 20 years, just like romantic relationships of 20 years, you guys will both change. You have to check in with each other.

You have to check in with how you guys are the same, how you're different, how you can support each other as friends now as 32 year old women, and that might be different as 22 year old women and just have these conversations. But you, I feel like giving your friend the green light and permission to not tell you things and you're all comfortable with that and you're here when she wants to tell you things. You just know her, like you said, and you're all comfortable with that and you're here when she wants to tell you things, you just know her like you said and you just don't want to feel like you're lying to her or telling the truth. Just be like, hey listen, I am seeing someone right now. I don't really want

to open up right now and if you can show her that you're okay with that, then maybe she will be more honest with you. That makes a lot of sense. I appreciate your perspective on that. I guess my other concern is that if I do bring it up, like, I definitely want to do it in the way that you're saying. We don't live in the same city, so I don't know the best way to go about it. And I also don't know how to handle it if she continues to kind of act like it's not happening. You can distance yourself.

Well, one, I mean, I don't know, I'd FaceTime her, I'd call her up, call her or FaceTime her. I wouldn't do it over text. Yeah. And I wouldn't wait till you're in person. I don't think this needs to be that serious. If you have this conversation with your friend and she continues as a play dumb, and she doesn't do what you ask, which is to just communicate and be a friend and she doesn't give you the opportunity to show her that you're okay with whatever she is willing to share. Again if you don't want to tell me things just tell me you don't want to tell me I'll be fine I'll be okay. I just don't want to feel like you're lying to me and that you're afraid to tell me the truth or whatever the reason I just whatever the truth, and maybe that truth is, I don't wanna tell you right now. If she keeps lying, then you can pull back.

Again, she's just being your life for 20 years. Do you have siblings? Yeah, I do. All right, so if one of your siblings was doing this, you wouldn't be calling me up and being like, well, I'm deciding whether I should make him not my sibling anymore. You know what I'm saying? Like she is your family. So if she does this, you can say, well, I know you're not being upfront with me. So when you're ready to be upfront with

me, give me a call. I love you. I'm here for you, but like I'm just a little heartbroken. You just have to be just be honest. Give her the honest communication that you want from her. So just be honest with her. I feel less close with you now. I feel it's weird to talk to you every day when I know you're just not sharing stuff with me. So just be honest with her. You know, just talk. I think that's where it hurts is just I think at a certain extent, I start to take it personally because now it's been going on for about a month and a half. And so it's giving me anxiety. I'm marinating on it. So I think this is a really good approach. Yeah. You have to stop making this about

you and your feelings and what you think you're entitled to when it comes to this friend. I don't know why your friend's doing what she's doing it. She's doing it for a reason. I don't know necessarily a good reason, but there is a reason. And you guys are going through this weird period that for whatever reason, she doesn't feel like comfortable telling you. So like you just have to let her know through conversation why you're disappointed, what you would like her to do, and just give her a little bit of time to do it. You know, I don't think you have to issue threats or ultimatums. You could just be like, all right, well, again,

I just, whenever you're ready to just start telling me things, just let me know. I'm here when you're ready, essentially. Yeah. And then, you know, but then you have to stand by what you're saying. You can't say I'm here when you're ready and then feel a certain way every day she's not ready. Yeah. And may take it personally or make it about you and start

over. You know, it's just like, you know, a friend of 20 years, you guys are going to go through shit and you're not, you know, it's like best friends of 20 years, you're going to make other friends. You're going to, she's going to make other, you know, but you'll always come back to each other. That makes sense when you compare it to a sibling too, because it's like my brother and I have had those moments and you never see them differently. And I see what you're saying where we'll always be that person in each other's life,

regardless of what happens. I'm just not used to having these types of things pop up like with us or specifically in this friendship. Yeah. So just have that talk with her. It's not like she's sleeping with a married man and lying to everyone and doing low character things that you know of at least or whatever. You know, it's just like, she just, I don't know, maybe she's, who knows why she doesn't

want to tell you. But I think part of the problem is you're, you take it personally and you're angry and like now you're mad and you're, I think you're making it a slightly bigger deal than it needs to be. Yeah, I think I need to stop marinating on it. Yeah. Is this helpful? No, I appreciate that, thank you. I think it's helpful. I think I have a step forward.

I am not good with confrontations, so I just get really anxious like having these conversations. So if you have any tips on like how to, I guess, stay confident when you are having these types of conversations. I don't know if you have to tips on like how to, I guess, stay confident when you are having these types of conversations. I don't know if you have to worry about staying confident. You just have to focus on getting out what you want to out. So write it down first of all, you know.

Like I don't want to come across judgmental or upset or things along those lines like you're saying. Just be like, listen, there's an elephant in the room. I just feel like there's things you don't tell me anymore. And honestly, that is okay. If there's things you're not comfortable telling me, that's okay. It just really upsets me when I feel like you're lying to me

or not being truthful. I'd rather have you just tell me, hey, I'm not ready to share this with you right now. Because I just don't want you to feel like you're being dishonest with me. I'd rather have you just not tell me something you're not ready to tell me, hey, I'm not ready to share this with you right now. Cause I just don't want you to feel like you're being dishonest with me. I'd rather have you just not tell me something you're not ready to tell me. And just let me know that and I will respect your wishes. You know, I'm here if you need, I'm here whenever you need. I want to be your supporting friend.

But that's the thing where you have to like, find that like line, which is like being a supportive friend doesn't entitle you to be that supportive friend and you know to every time they need support yeah you know they might go to someone else for support and it doesn't make you less best friends you know what I'm saying like you that's where you're almost like this is my job and I want to do that and why like you know so yeah like try to make it less confrontational for one write down what you want to do that. And why, like, you know. No, I get what you're saying. So yeah, like try to make it less confrontational for one. Write down what you want to get out so that you are clear that you can get it out,

that you don't forget it. Don't make it that complicated, you know. And it doesn't have to be confrontational. Maybe I can just do a virtual wine night and take the edge off a little and we can have a conversation type thing. Yeah, but just, you know, do it before you guys get drunk and sensitive. But yeah, listen, lead with love, lead with your feelings. Don't, you know,

express your feelings without trying to make her feel guilty for the feelings that you have. Let her know that her feelings are okay and valid. And I think I need to express too, like, I just want you to know that you can come to me, like, I'm not here to judge you. But the important thing is letting her know, it's also okay if you don't. I just don't want you to lie to me because you're afraid that I'll be mad

if you don't wanna tell me things. But because we talk as much as we do and we're in each other's lives as much as we are, I do need you to let me know so that I'm not worried about you that you don't want to tell me something because like I kind of know what's going on in your life and then it makes me feel like you're lying to me when you pretend there's nothing going on. So like if you don't want to tell me

who you're seeing or what's going on your romantic, that's fine just tell me you're just not ready to tell me right now. That's perfect that's exactly what I needed to hear. I really appreciate this. But then it's on you to actually be okay with that. Yeah. I have to be able to stand by what I'm saying. Yeah and that will be a weird for you because you're gonna feel a certain way especially if she's like, well I don't want to tell you right now and your first instinct is to be like, well why not? Because we're always unfiltered so it's like it's this new kind of like filter essentially. Do you have any idea who this person is that she's seeing?

Yeah, and I've never met them but I know that it's due to certain Professional relationships as to why he didn't want it known in the first place, but I knew about it all along So you're saying that you already suspect that you think the reason why she's not telling you one is because he's being secretive? Yeah, he wants it to be secretive. So, I mean, so now you already know the why. But I guess this is the complicated part is she was upfront with me from the very beginning through all of that until going back, I guess, at some point. Sure.

But again, if you're accurate in your assumption, he's like, listen, maybe the reason they stopped hanging out to begin with is because he felt like too many people were finding out he got on comfy. They broke up, got back together, and they made some sort of promise to each other that they were just gonna not tell anyone and keep the pressure off,

and she is trying to respect his boundary. Yeah. And that boundary makes you feel like it's coming in conflict with your relationship. So that's where again you have to let her know, it's just like listen, whatever the reason is, just know that I'm here and if you don't wanna tell me, that's fine but.

Thank you. It sounds like this all kind of makes sense. No, I think you helped me connect some dots and to just kind of make it a little simpler than I've made it in my mind because I can make things feel debilitating even though they're not such a big deal. Yeah, don't let the, I guess the entitlement you feel

with this friend make you feel like you are owed more than you're owed or that you're, you know, also like don't let it make you feel like your friend is someone she's not that you're, you know, also like, don't let it make you feel like your friend is someone she's not. I mean, you started this call by like wondering if you can even trust her, if she's a different person. Sounds to me there's a chance she's just trying

to respect her boyfriend's boundary. And maybe it's a unhealthy boundary. Maybe he's an asshole. Maybe there's a really unhealthy reason why he's asked to keep a secret. I don't know. And either do you. But as far as your friend is concerned, it sounds like there's a really unhealthy reason why he's asked to keep a secret. I don't know and either do you. But as far as your friend is concerned, it sounds like there's a good chance she's just

trying to do right by him and that doesn't mean she's dishonest or a liar or that you can't trust her. That makes sense. Just because she's doing right by him doesn't mean she's necessarily trying to do wrong by me. Oh yeah. And let's be real here. It's just like, what's's your are you in a relationship?

Yeah. Okay either way when you guys get into your relationships you know you guys have other priorities other than each other you know and and sometimes your your each other's friendships won't always be number one and you're gonna you're both gonna have to adjust to that and the way to adjust to that while continuing to stay close is to communicate as things change. That makes a lot of sense. All right. Thank you, thanks for helping simplify it. Anytime, all right, take care.

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Going good. How are you? Good. What's your name? I'm Alex. I'm 30. Nice to meet you, Alex. How can we help?

So my friend, I believe stole from me and I'm not sure how to confront her. What makes you think she stole from you? What did she steal? How much was it? Oh my god. Yeah, so I, as of yesterday, I believe it's three pairs of sunglasses. So what happened was we went on a trip over the weekend. She drove to my house. I drove us in my car. The weekend was great. When we got back though, it was like a long car ride. I was like, I'm going to run inside and pee like all these things.

Like I got to run in, I'm going to come back out for my stuff. I was kind of rushing and she was like, no problem, no problem. Everything's all good. So my fiance cleaned my car the next day. When I come back in, I had three pairs of sunglasses. I don't know why I need that many, but I have three pairs in my center front console, and there was only one pair there. I texted him, like, hey, where did you put

all my extra stuff when you did my car? He was like, what are you talking about? I'm like, I had three pairs of sunglasses here. He was like, no, there was just the one. I'm like, that doesn't make sense. Did you throw it out? He was like, no. Did your friend borrow them on your trip? I said no, but then I was like, oh my God. but when we got home, like I went in to go to the bathroom, like she was

unattended. Like that had to have been what happened. And then I thought to myself, I was like, okay, that's two pairs. And then I was like, oh, you have that really cute pair in the center to like you should check and I looked and there's a third pair that's also gone. So like definitely disappointing obviously because this has been a friend of mine for a long time. Time out though. Yeah. I'll be honest. If I had three sunglasses in my car that went missing,

I would never think to like, think it's my friends who stole them. Like what even makes you think that your friend would do this? And maybe you're the most mindful person where she always knows where her stuff is, and I would say that because it's like, I don't know, I lose shit all the fucking time, and it's like God only knows where it is.

The last thing I'd do would be blame a long time friend for stealing them, rather than maybe I just kind of don't know where I put them, but you seem pretty confident that your friends stole them, and I'm just curious as to why. Yeah, so I would say I'm very observant, and these three pairs have lived in the front of my car since like August, like they have not left,

I have not taken them out. They've been living there. And then all of a sudden, they weren't. And magically, after the one time I had someone else in my car, they happened to not be there. And this friend, what I will say, we've been friends since a long, long time. We did room together in college where she had her own kind of things that she was going through. And so this is not necessarily maybe the first time things have gone missing. But again, because she was a roommate, so are we calling this stealing or is she borrowing

without permission? So I wouldn't say we hang out enough that it's like a borrow situation like we hang out Maybe once a month and we sometimes keep in touch by text It's kind of one of those like low maintenance friends where we keep in touch We sometimes hang out but like we're not on a basis where it's like, oh I'll borrow this and I'll see you next weekend Kind of a thing. I know how you think you reach out to her you say hey I think you might have accidentally took my glasses by mistake. So I did that because I was like,

I need her to know I know. I sent that text and then I didn't get a response. I sent that at like eight o'clock one night. I didn't get a response until like 11.30 the next day. And it was just like, no, like haven't seen them. Like, oh, that's the worst. And I was like, yeah, that is weird. But like the other thing I thought about too

that I noticed is the other thing that like now that I'm looking back and maybe I'm reading too much into it. When I had gotten back in my car later that day after we got back, there was a piece of like one of my like an envelope from my glove box was on the floor of my passenger seat. And like, I don't have anything in the passenger side.

So I was like, that's weird. How did that fall out? And I just like put it back in but my fiance was like she's definitely rifling through your shit like she definitely went in the front took the glasses and then I had a different like there's no way I went through your glove box yeah I also again I don't know where you live I live in Los Angeles so if I don't lock my car door like at any point some random fucking person would, you know, will go through your car.

No, yeah, I live in a nice suburban area. I would be very shocked. I live in a townhouse like right near, like there's like old people live around me. Like it would be pretty shocking for someone to go. It just is the timing. Like I know for a fact I had them. How much do these glasses cost? Are these? for someone to go. It just is the timing, like I know for a fact I had them. And then the day after.

How much do these glasses cost? Are these? Like, listen, this is no Louis Vuitton. Like, you know, at the end of the day, like- Cause I got some gooder glasses you can get for $25. Yeah, cause I'm like, listen, at the end of the day, like this is not a designer pair of sunglasses, but I just feel like it's the principle.

Like you shouldn't steal from people, let alone three pair of sunglasses but I just feel like it's the principle like you don't like you shouldn't steal from people let alone three pairs of sunglasses that like I know for a fact that keep in my car because they live there you know like then I think I feel like you've done what you can do and if you really are that confident that she did this then not a friend like so that's I guess my question is like now that I've kind of gave her the opportunity to say like, oh yeah, let me double check. Like, you know, I feel like I gave her the opportunity to like be like, yeah, let me double check, you know, feel the guilt and then be like, oh my God, yeah, they must have

fallen in here. But we didn't do that. So my, I guess I'm wondering, like, do I just, you know, I already like don't see this person on a regular basis. Do I just keep that person at an arm's length until they reach out to me? But then part of me is like, I mean, she probably won't reach out to me. Obviously, we're not that good of friends. But I will say I did post some photos recently and we commented on those like, oh my god,

so awesome. And I was like, hmm. So I'm just like, if this person texts me to hang out, like, do I, like, do I just like, let this, let this kind of go, keep her at a distance? Do I not have it? Like, is this not a friend? Like I, you know, so I guess I'm just more like, if that person does reach out, cause I'm certainly not going to make the initiative anytime soon. You seem convinced that she took these glasses, right?

Yeah. So we can only sit there. we can only trust your gut here. Yeah. If I were in your shoes, and for whatever reason that you are convinced she took them, if I were as convinced as you that someone stole from me, and then I tried to give them the benefit of doubt by texting them and being like,

hey, I think you accidentally took my glasses, and then they denied it and lied about it. And I was convinced as you are convinced that she's lying about it. I would be like, this is not a friend. You know what I'm saying? Like, why? Yeah. If you're so convinced she did this, then clearly this isn't someone you want to be

around or having your life. Right. Right. Like I don't like, I would never think someone I'm friends with would do this, but you are convinced. So I feel like the answer is kind of obvious and is kind of presents itself, whereas if you really think she did this,

she's not a friend, you know? Or someone that you honestly, at this point in your life, do you need someone who's this, I don't know yeah dramatic or problematic or shady or you know like if this person truly can steal from you and lie about it she's not your friend why would you want to hang around with someone like this at this stage in your life? Yeah you know yeah a hundred yeah no a hundred percent and so I guess you know cuz like from talking with people they're like oh my god just like get over it or whatever this or that. And so it is disappointing, just obviously, because we've been friends for probably like over

10, over 10 years. And so I will say I'm surprised because in college, when we had a few snack foods, like we've had many apart to hearts after where she acknowledged like, you know, she had her own shit going on. She wasn't a good friend to me. Like I was like, you know, she's acknowledged in the past those things and we've worked through that and she seems like she's in a really good place now, but I guess obviously not, you know, to be or maybe you have like a sticky fingers habit. I don't know, but I guess I'm just gonna... Well, it's just fucking weird. It's just weird. More than anything, it'd be weird if she did

this. It's just weird. Yeah. But I mean, listen, I looked literally everywhere. There's like my fiance, we looked through the car, we looked through the back, like literally everything. He was like, she 100% like rippled through your shit and whatever. So I guess I'll do, just keep her at an arm's length. And I guess I just wonder if she does text me again,

like, hey, do I just ignore it? Do I just, like go on busy me again like hey like do I just ignore it do I just well yeah I'm busy you know I would just ignore Yeah, and let's or confront her one two. Yeah, if you're so convinced. Why don't you just be like I know you took it It's weird. Yeah, I guess I just feel like obviously that's like uncomfortable to be like hey I know I already asked you and you said no, but I know you did anyway Well, if you're so convinced. If like ultimately, yeah, I would have to be direct. If you know she did it and you're, like the risk here is like you're wrong.

Yeah. The risk is like despite you looking and being as convinced as you are that there is something you haven't considered or thought of or something happened that you didn't think was possible, but it did and it wasn't her, you know? Yeah, I mean, that would be crazy, but hey, you know, that could be true. But if your gut is telling you that not only she, even the fact that you think it's pretty,

despite this being weird and crazy, you think she's more than capable of doing this? The person she was before, I could see the person she is now, I'm surprised that like this is something that we're like still, like we're still kind of having these. Like I am honestly surprised, but maybe that's just my own, you know,

just trying to be like giving, you know. You're not that surprised that you, I mean, you are certain she did this without any real proof. I guess, other than the fact that she was the only one by herself in my car right before everything went missing. Sure, no, yeah, but still not proof. I know, that's why it's tough.

There's no smoke and gun, I guess is what I'm saying. Yeah, so I guess, you know, I just ignore and if maybe she decides to turn a corner and, you know, fess up, which likely won't happen But I don't know. I think I'll do what you said Just ignore and not really, you know put like effort into the friendship quote unquote that I thought we had I guess You know, and I think I just have to like be okay with that and accept that You know, like that's obviously not a friend and I have to to stop turning it around on myself, like, because I'm like, oh my God, was I so annoying that weekend that like, and people are like, no,

like that's not a justification for stealing from someone. So I think I just have to, you know, face the hard truth and just move forward. And you don't want to confront her anymore? I feel too nervous to do that, to be honest. Why? I don't know, because I feel like I don't know. I feel like if before it was like, no, no, like I don't know because I feel like I don't know I feel like if before it was like no no like I haven't seen those like I just don't I don't know like I guess I'm afraid like to your point like if I am like I don't know if

we'd admit it but to your point without any proof it's like if I am wrong I mean but either way it's like the friendship is frayed regardless. Well, that's what I'm saying. You're willing to ghost this person and cut her off in your life. That's not any less aggressive than you would confronting her. Right. And I feel like I don't want to do that though. You know what I mean? Like, even though this is like a no brainer, like just with like the, like, you know, like

I because like I said like I I don't have Like a ton of friends like I have a few close people that I keep in touch with like so for me I'm kind of like oh man Like I already don't kind of have a lot of friends like this I thought was but now I'm like, oh my god, do I even know anybody like a lot of friends? Well, I just you know, I'm a little more like introverted and I've never really been like a type of person who's had like a big friend group. Like I've always had like a few close friends that aren't necessarily like intertwined with each other.

But that's a choice you're making. It's not like you can't make friends. Yeah. Yeah. I guess I guess the one of the few long term like friends from childhood that I have. She doesn't sound like much of a friend. I mean, no. Yeah. You're the one who's like, I don't know, we kind of hang out sometimes, you know, like,

she's a casual, she's not the person you're going to, to like really open up to. And she's someone you met a long time ago, you have history with and you've kept in touch. That's not, but again, addressing it head on is, if you think she did it, I, you know, it's an option. Yeah, cause I- And it would go something like, hey listen,

this is really awkward for me, but their only answer could be you took them because I know where they were and you were the last person in this car. And like, I don't know why you took them or why you're not telling them, but like it's pretty clear you did. So like just let me know, it's not that big of a deal

and honestly if you really like those glasses, you can keep them. I just like, it's just why don't you just tell me? Yeah, like you could go on Teemo and get a pair that match it. Yeah, so just kind of, you know, if you confront her, don't confront it like, I know what you did is if she committed a murder.

Just be like, this is silly. Yeah. Why don't you just tell me you have them? Because now it's gotten weird. It would be something like that. Yeah, it is weird now. Because it's gonna be hard. You make her feel like this is weird

and you're just like, this is super weird. I know you know this, but now that you're not telling me, it's just getting weirder. And then you pull back and then she's gonna feel real stupid For this like if you stole something from someone and then they texted you like hey have you seen this would you be like? Oh shit They know cuz like I would but that's just how my brain works

Like I don't like does she act like I don't know I'm like does she like does she know I know does she actually think? I'm like dumb and like not noticing or like I don't But you're right it is overall it is weird dumb and not noticing or I don't know. But you're right, overall it's weird. I don't know why people do what they do, and I don't know this person, you just seem so convinced that she took them. I just can't think of any other explanation. Like the timeline of it,

what I'm telling you, these in the same spot. No, I understand all that, but it's the fact that there are you, like these, like in the same spot, like in my car. No, I understand all that, but it's the fact that like, I just, there are certain, even so, there's gotta be people, well, maybe I don't know, there's gotta be people in your life that even if they were the last person in your car, you would still be like, there's no way they did that. Yes, I think if it were, and I guess like that kind of goes back to your point though, right, of like, let's take a look back and maybe figure like see who this person really is because if it was someone else

My gut would not go to like oh, they definitely took it The point is you think she's more than capable of having done this. Yeah, you know just based on some past No, I hear I mean, you know, whatever the reason is your gut is telling you she's more than capable Yeah, you know your instinct what you know about this person is it's not hard to believe that she did as weird as it is, you're just like, yeah, if anyone would do something like this, she would do something like this. Yeah, no, that makes total sense. I think I just, you know, I feel like ever I'm kind of like running it by

people and getting all these different things. So I figured I would get a different, unbiased outside opinion. I, you know, I wouldn't put him to summarize. I wouldn't be friends with people who are thought were capable of this at this point in my life. If I were you. That makes total sense.

But if you think she is someone who, you know, you have a history with and despite her having her issues that you want to be a friend to her because she's struggling with whatever she's struggling with. And while you're not going to accept certain types of behavior, you will be willing to like challenge her, address certain issues, certain behaviors, always, you know, you know, holding her accountable. Then then address it.

Yeah. Cause once I was like the two and listen, I know I shouldn't have like, why do I have like 10 pairs of sunglasses in my car? I don't know. But like once it was the two, I was like, all right. But then once I noticed like, because I was like, you know, like my gut again was like, you have that really cute cat eye pair and that other compartment in your car, you should check there. And I did and like they were gone. And I was like, okay. So once it got to there, I was leaning more towards like maybe we're just not friends and like that can be okay.

And I shouldn't like, you know, like maybe I shouldn't even worry about her reaching out to me because obviously if you're gonna do that, you don't care to reach out and hang out with me or keep in touch, you know. Has she reached out since? I'm not talking about commenting on social media. No. Okay.

Yeah. And she did say when our tech, she was like, double check but like I don't think so and then I was just like okay because I was like yeah I was literally like yeah it's so weird comma like sounds good but like she never responded after that. So if she took if you're right then chances are she won't reach out anytime soon and comments online don't count because comments online give a perception of we're okay. That's a great point. But it's not like she's calling you to get together where she has to sit across the table with you knowing she

stole your glasses and you know she stole your glasses and you're both like you know so she's gonna avoid you for a while. That's what my sister said. My sister said she will likely continue the lie and hope that it goes away quickly and will kind of avoid it until things pass over. But if I were you, I would want to just say, I know you did it. I want to and I'm just really scared to do it. Because now it's been like a couple days. What could she do? I know, nothing.

Text her. Just text her. I know what you did last summer. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I guess I'll mull it over, either just confront head on or keep the distance and, you know.

Yeah, there's no wrong answer. I mean, it would be fun for me. I would just bother me too much. Yeah. I'd want that person to know that I know. Well, that was why when I was like, I'm gonna text her, cause in my brain,

like the way my brain works, like if I took something from someone and they texted me, I'd be like, oh my God, they know. So like, that's why I was like, I'm gonna send a text like immediately. Cause if anything, whether I confront her or not,

I need her to know somehow that I know. No, but that's not what you did. She is, I know. She is gonna convince herself that you, you know, you might suspect, but she's gonna think that you don't really think it's her. Yeah.

Because she's used to getting away with shit like this. Maybe, yeah. So, I would want to make her feel like I know, and that like while you took it, you won't admit to it, like I would want, I would, I think you should have the guts to tell her why you're no longer friends. Yeah and who knows, sometimes I don't know if she listens

to you guys or not all the time, I don't know if she listens to Ask Nick, but like part of me was like, oh my God, what if she listens and then I was like, you know what? Like here's what it is. Maybe, I don't know. So I think sometimes, I don't know if she listens to Ask Nick. I don't think you're like her most played.

Like I feel like that would have come up more in our conversations, but I was like, you know what? Like, hey, it is what it is. Most of the listening. Maybe she'll hear this. I turn the glasses. You could give her a recommendation of a podcast to listen to, a specific episode.

I could, like, hey, oh my gosh, have you ever heard these Ask Nick? I think you just text her and tell her, listen. Just go to the specific episode. I could like, hey, oh my gosh, I've ever heard these asnicks. I think you just text her and tell her, listen, just go the director out. No one else could have taken them. I don't know why you did. Don't say you suspect or think to say it as a statement of fact. Okay. Speak to her as if you've seen the evidence that she has the glasses. Okay, yeah. I do need to do that instead of like, tiptoeing around it. No, yes. Because as soon as-

Because I'm too nervous. I just have to be brave. She will keep, the only chance I have of getting her to admit it is being like, I know you did this. Yeah. Yeah, like listen, we all know just, you can have, like, you know, yeah.

So if you wanna talk about why you did this, we can talk about it, but like obviously you took them, it seems odd to me. I thought we were past this kind of behavior. I'm here if you need to talk, but like, I'm only talking until you acknowledge what happened. Yeah. I feel like that's a very adult safe thing to communicate to someone you claim you were at least friendly with. Yeah. Or you've known for a long time.

Yeah. No, yeah, you're right. For sure. I'll have to muster up some courage. It won't kill you. Maybe I'll mull it over and figure out. Have your fiancé press in. You draft the text and have your fiancé press in. Yeah. Okay. Well, I will do that. I appreciate your advice and taking the time. All right. Well, thanks for the call. I appreciate it. Let us know what happens. Yeah, thank you guys so much. Whatever you find out.

I will. All right, take care. I will, thank you so much. All right, bye bye. Bye. I once accused my friend of stealing my charger and I found it five years later in my room. Really?

Yeah. I think you should put that in the episode. It was specifically the block to like my beats to charge it I have your wire at home by the way. I found it today, and my friend was you no kidding Yeah, I found it five years ago, and I texted her. I was like. I'm so sorry And I sent her a picture of the charger what she said she was like I told you from the beginning I never stole it was like not it wasn't a big deal like this like we were really close friends But I was always like you have my charger,. And then after five years I had my own charger.

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