The Viall Files - E84 Ask Nick - Warning Signs

Episode Date: January 27, 2020

It’s time for another episode of Ask Nick! We talk to someone whose friend may be getting groomed, someone whose friend professed his love, a woman whose boyfriend HATES New York, and a young caller who had feelings for her "friend." Remember, there’s no consolation prize for being friends with a guy you have a crush on. Send your sex and dating questions to [e-mail]. THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS: ZOLA: http://zola.com/viall MODERN FERTILITY: http://modernfertility.com/viall/ BUTCHERBOX: http://butcherbox.com/viall LUMINESS: http://trysilk.com/viall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

what is going on everybody happy monday to you all hope your sunday scaries weren't so bad and if again if uh if it's not, well, thanks for finally getting to us. You know, I'm sure your lives are busy. We appreciate you taking the time. Rochelle, you have an update. Do you not? Yes. I know you people like to hear sometimes

some follow-ups to some of our callers. Yeah, and if you are someone who has called in in the past, please email me. Let us know. Rochelle's a big fan of these follow-ups to some of our callers. Yeah, and if you are someone who has called in in the past, please email me. Let us know everything. Michelle's a big fan of these follow-ups. I mean, I'm not saying I'm not. You don't lie awake at night wondering what happened? No.

Okay, so do you guys remember, this is one of our craziest callers, we had the doctor who was dating someone and all of a sudden she started getting weird instagram messages from someone i remember her yeah oh rather cute lady not rather she was very beautiful beautiful what are you why are you wasting your time exactly you're a doctor but anyways yeah i said this last episode but sometimes you get these emails

thinking like and she couldn't figure out we just assumed it was like the the x you assumed it was the x that's i thought it was some mentally ill like turns out the mystery is solved it was the x of the guy how'd she find out it was indeed she tracked the ip address so she didn't just let it go, move on with her life. She's those doctor brains. She tracked the IP address to a specific building in San Francisco that he confirmed she worked at.

Okay, she's a nurse. Okay. And she works in administration. So she's wondering like, The ex is a nurse? The ex is a nurse. So interesting pattern. Healthcare community.

Yeah. So the caller is concerned. She's thinking like she needs to let someone know this person is obviously mentally unstable. She's concerned that, you know, she has access to all of this stuff. So, she talked to the guy and he says, no, no, no, no. We don't want to report it. We don't want to, like, get involved. And he also was acting like it wasn't a big deal at first when she told him about it so she's still talking to this guy so she's still

talking to him i feel like i don't totally i remember what you told her didn't we tell her to move on from this guy yeah you said that like it's it didn't start until he you started seeing him so he's the common denominator get rid of him yeah so she's still hanging out with him yeah because and she was she was she seemed like she was pretending she didn't like him that much she was pretending she didn't like him that much exactly so she's still yeah she should wear this shirt i'm wearing well i mean i don't know if it's one of the yeah i don't know if it's that i don't respect myself situation yeah what situation is it i don't know i mean it's drama and it's kind of fairly toxic but it doesn't seem like it's

not like a situation where he's you know the I don't respect myself situation is the he's not giving you anything. Yeah. But always, you know, he's breadcrumbing you. Breadcrumbing. You know, just kind of leaving little breadcrumbs to keep you around, but never really giving anything you want, but you keep chasing him. I don't get that in this situation, but this seems like a toxic situation in which she's having more fun with it than i think she's putting on you mean tracking the ip i guess yeah she's you know she's uh she's playing investigator so to speak yeah no she should just get hunt to kill her and call it a day exactly exactly

um so i thought that was kind of fun you know what sometimes we like to just stay we live in our drama too much why do we do that it's boredom have you ever stalked someone no I said that very hesitantly

well I wouldn't call it that but like all my friends did he's still alive I'm guilty I think this is common Like, well, I wouldn't call it that, but like all my friends did. He's still alive. I'm guilty. I think this is common. I can get down rabbit holes online of like looking into who someone is dating now. And then suddenly you're on their second cousin's like newborn Instagram page.

And you're like, why am I here? How did I get here? You've gone that far. Instagram page and you're like, why am I here? Really? How did I get here? You've gone that far. I mean. Is this guys that you're thinking about dating or guys you've gone on a date with or exes?

Exes, yeah. But like, I just think it's a bad habit of like. Yeah. And then you just say, okay, this, I'm not doing this anymore. When was the last time you've done that? It's been a while. Yeah. Yeah.

I saw. Yeah. What? I saw. Yeah. And is it, why? Well, you know, I thought you said something interesting last time of like, when you got cheated on, you had the thoughts of, why are they better than me? Sure, yeah. And I think like, I can fall into that sometimes too. Like, why is this person good enough?

And so you try to figure it out. But there's not a. That's, yeah. It's not really... There's nothing to really be gathered about yourself by looking at someone else's... Exactly. And the truth is what they are is different most of the time. Yeah.

You know? Also, like, think about when we stop liking someone and then start dating someone else. And what do we normally do? We end up kind of dating different versions of the same person right so all that person is is probably a different version of you yeah and they're just not annoyed with them yet so if you're looking for reasons of what things they might you know get annoyed with and i love it when people well, I can't believe he's hanging out with so-and-so. I'll be like, they do this and they told me they hate this.

Who cares? Yeah. Yeah, it's like we go on looking for something to make us upset. Like you say, if you go on looking for that, you're gonna find it. And eventually you get tired of making yourself feel bad. You'll always find what you're trying to find.

If you're looking to get mad, it's a great place to go is the internet. And make sure to check us out tomorrow. We have a special guest for our Bachelor Recap, Rob Mills. This is so fun. Mr. ABC Executive of Chart. He's in charge of alternative programming,

I think is his official title. Basically, he's in charge of The Bachelor. How did you get him? Well I have a relationship with Rob from having been The Bachelor and been on the TV and he was kind enough to join us. What's so great about Rob is he is as much of a fan of the show

as he is kind of in charge of it all. That's so cool. He'll help us break down an amazing episode. It's perfect um it is an amazing episode you guys are gonna enjoy it tonight so um rob joins us and on wednesday megan king edmunds joins us uh who is so kind enough to join us uh she's been in the news a lot obviously she's going through a lot right now with her divorce and she's been obviously very open and and transparent with

things going on she's obviously on real housewives former real house former real housewives and uh we had a fun conversation about just obviously what's next for her uh moving on what her dating life is you know hopefully going to look like and um really enjoyed talking to her so come back on wednesday and it will be a ton of fun changing the game when it comes to marriage zola i i mean i listen i wasn't sure if i wanted to get married anymore but now that i know zola's gonna make it easier sign me up i'm ready i'm ready to go women of the world rejoice just uh just just so you know zola has changed my perspective for the better when it comes to marriage because at least they'll make it easy on me at least the planning just makes it

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Just go to butcherbox.com slash V-I-A-L-L or use promo code V-I-A-L-L at checkout. That's ButcherBox.com slash V-I-A-L-L or use promo code V-I-A-L-L at checkout. Question time with Nick. Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. All right. all right how's it going hi i'm tiffany i'm 22 years old hi tiff 22 yeah um so i wanted to talk about my friend today because i think i just need advice on how to friend today because I think I just need advice on how to handle questions she asked me I guess okay so she has these two guys that she's been talking to they're both quite older than her she's 22 also um and these guys are 34 and 36 and she's never really done anything before not like she's never been in a relationship she's never really done anything sexually or whatever um she's a virgin yeah okay um why is she hanging out with 30 okay go ahead she's not really hanging out with 30, okay, go ahead. She's not really hanging out with them. It's all over text.

She met, so she actually knows them both from in person, but she's never, since they've been talking, she's never been with them in person, if that makes sense. Sure. I mean, it doesn't make sense why, but I understand what you're saying. It's because she, one of them was her athletic trainer in college so she was his athlete are you like referring the other one was her manager at the place she worked um i think for me the age difference isn't the biggest thing it's more the way they talk to her it's like the

language they use is very kind of disrespectful, I think, and very forward. They'll say things like, because she's tried to make it clear that she hasn't really done anything before. And they'll say things like, I wouldn't be able to stick to your boundaries if I was with you because I wouldn't be able to keep my hands off of you and things like that. So she's saying, hey, listen, I'm a virgin. Okay, she sent me this text. Hey, look, this is what this one guy said.

Hey, look, I'm sorry. I just know that I'm the kind of person that would violate those boundaries the second we got together. I wouldn't be intentionally trying to hurt your feelings. It's just the way I am. But hey, you got my number. I've always had the same one.

Definitely wouldn't mind hanging out with you. Okay, obviously, certainly reading this, we all agree it sounds a little creepy. What did she say to him? Was she saying, I like, you know what I'm saying? In fairness, there's only like this one part here. Like, I mean, people had, you know, sexed all the time. And I'm saying, is she saying to him, I like you, but I don't want to, like what's prompting

him to say these things i guess i'm curious no like i think so i feel like she's always kind of had lower self-esteem when it comes to guys and i think the fact that there are older guys that are showing interest in her um i remember i think she likes that yeah my question is like why are you calling in the sense of like what is she doing and what is she asking you? And what is her goal out of this? So at first I was kind of pushing her to try to hang out with these guys in person because I thought if she did it in person, she would realize she wasn't super into them or whatever because I feel like it can be different in person but she's told me that she wants to have sex with them and I think that's where just because of the things they've said like if she decides she wants to stop or something I'm just a little worried that

maybe they wouldn't respect that yeah I mean I totally get your concern and I I think that's great as a friend you know I'm a little to say, take an out of context text and just completely accuse these guys as maybe predators of some sort. I mean, I agree that text sounds creepy, but there's just a lot of information we don't have that could just be dirty talk or sexting or whatever. I don't know if I could handle myself around you. It might be his way of saying, I find you really hot. And when it comes down to it, he might be the nicest and most respectful guy.

I don't know. You know what I'm saying? I don't know him. Yeah, I don't know them either, but I have seen like longer conversations between them and none of it, even when it's not in the more sexual context is, it's usually kind of like, oh, you're just scared to have sex. Like once we start, you'll be fine. Like they're trying to convince her to have sex.

Yeah. Yeah. That's weird. Yeah. trying to convince her to have sex yeah yeah that's weird yeah and what's it called when the men than older men to get women there's like a word for what they do to like get them ready when they grooming yeah yeah there's like a grooming thing i'm looking it up because i don't know the signs i do find that weird and don't like in my experience if i've gone out with a girl who's younger than me,

I'm literally the opposite. I feel like I'm the one who's just like, I don't know. Like I just, and they seem to be more the pursuers in that instance. And I'm not saying one's right or wrong, but because the age factor that he had, they do just age alone.

They have more experience and there's certainly a power dynamic there. And the fact that that seems uncomfortable, that they seem to be exercising that power to like two different people but that's also like interesting the fact that there's these two different guys and so why is she you know what's going on there you know why is it all of a sudden these two guys that she knows i mean you know it's? She is an adult and she's like, let's, let's not act like she's being kidnapped or anything.

Like she's pursuing these guys and yeah, what they're saying seems a bit creepy, but like, why is she reaching out to these guys? You know, like why is, you know, you're talking to her and she's sharing these texts with you.

She's looping you in and she's telling you, you know what I'm saying? Like, there's just a lot. I don't know. I mean, I don't know i mean i don't um she actually didn't tell me about any of them until like a few months after she'd been talking to them and i kind of had to yank it out of her because i could tell something was going on um and i'm the only person she talks to which is why i guess i feel some pressure to like

say the right thing. What is she saying to you? Like you two are talking and she's saying, Hey, I'm talking to these guys. I like them. I'm thinking about losing my virginity with one or both of them. Is that how it's going?

Or she make, or are you getting the sense that she's feeling pressured by them or, you know, or does she, does she, let me ask you this this her being a virgin do you get the sense that she's tired of being a virgin she just wants to lose it to somebody or like you know what i'm saying what what's going on here and that's what i really don't know like all of her close

friends aren't virgins and so i don't know if that's part of it i really don't know i've never heard her talk about wanting to have sex until she was telling me about these guys. So I really don't know. Does she keep this a secret from other people? Like, are you the only person who knows, do you think? Yeah, she hasn't told, like, anyone else. I mean, here's the thing.

There's just a lot of information we don't have about these guys you know um I think what well here's what you consider I think it's important as a friend to you know try to get her to open up to you about her sexuality and what she wants and don't make her you know like listen I think it's really cool that you're a virgin and if you want to lose it that's great but make sure that you are comfortable and make sure that you really want. And don't let anyone convince you to do it before you're ready. I would really bring that point. Try to make her feel very empowered about her virginity and try to make her feel very

confident about it. Okay, here's another text. Just please promise me that you're not sharing any of this information with anyone. I could be in deep trouble. See, that's like I just looked up grooming that he's talking to her. So one of the key tenants is that it's secrecy and they bind you secrecy. Also establishing trust. They all establish trust because they worked with her.

So, I mean, I think you she should trust her gut that something's amiss. Yeah, I mean, I'm not familiar with this grooming thing. And that does sound weird. I mean, it's weird to say, like, for example, because this doesn't sound like sexting or anything. You know, like if I'm dating anyone, right? And let's say there's some sexting going on. And I hope that we're not sharing it with, you know,

there's just like, I've dated people where, you know, there's been some sexing and it's kind of like, hey, you're not like, you don't share this, right? You know, there's that. But this whole like, I would, I've never said to anyone

I would be in big trouble for, you know, that's weird. That's a red flag. I'm just not familiar with this grooming idea. Yeah, it's a thing. I think, I just think for you as as a friend what you can do is empower her uh make her feel like just you really got to make her feel like uh confident in her the fact that she's still a virgin and then if she wants to lose it that's great that she but just make sure that

she's ready and and maybe i don't, read her in on this grooming concept. I think this could be going on here. I just think she's so lucky to have you as a friend and someone who cares and that she felt she could trust you to tell you you're being a really good friend. And I think that's awesome. These texts are the guys coming from both these guys. It seems so random that if this is what's going on this grooming thing that she's found it's not random because they find there's like a type of

person who can fall victim to this so to me i don't think it's that weird because if she's probably the perfect type of victim for this and that's why this has happened like a lot of times people who have bad experiences it's not like an isolated experience because she hasn't had any experience i know i know i know but i'm saying i don't think it's that weird because they can probably tell exactly the right person well and so about that one text that you just read um i asked her what he what she thought he meant about like not being able to tell anyone, and she said she thought it was because he was her manager,

but he's also mentioned how he had a girlfriend who tries to come back in sometimes. And so I don't know if maybe there is actually a friend. He's not our manager anymore, right? No. It doesn't make sense that he'd get in trouble. They're two adults. That doesn't make sense.

So that's in her head why he said that, but I don't think that's what it is. Well, to kind of to Rochelle's point, I think you should say, hey, listen, I don't know, but it doesn't make sense that he like he would be in trouble and not that you should go tell anyone because that's between you and him but does it doesn't that concern you let's look like you know let's you say to her like let's look at the possibilities well you don't work for him anymore so he that that that wouldn't get him in trouble so what is he why is this why is he keeping this a secret? Either A, he's not telling you something or B, it's just a manipulation tactic on his part.

Either way that this sounds not right. So you're kind of breaking that down. And just encourage her, like you're saying, like try finding someone who isn't in like a different power dynamic than you. Maybe try dating someone your own age for a while like just encourage her like show her all these things that maybe aren't adding up on paper and like do it with love like yeah but again that's the thing is like you know this

the age for like like you just because she's a virgin doesn't mean she has to like date another 22 year old or 23 year old but what i I think the important part is, is that she should just feel again, I can't relate because I wasn't at 22 a virgin and I lost my virgin at 17. And it was kind of at a time around my life where I was like, am I ready? I don't know. I didn't feel pressure to lose my virginity. And I don't know if she is feeling pressure, right? To like, oh, my friends aren't virgins and I just want to get it over with. And if she is feeling pressure, all my friends aren't virgins and I just want to get it over with. And if she is feeling pressure, then she could be at risk of putting herself in a, a situation that might not be the healthiest to that point because she's

just wants to get it over with. So to that point, make her don't make her feel like this. Like, Hey, I don't think it's a big, I think it's cool that you are a virgin kind of thing, you know?

So I want to know if this might change anything. Cause I always forget but when they were drunk one night like separately um one of the guys messaged her and said that he loved her and so she said it back and i think that's part of why she might be a little more like wanting to have sex with him more because she thinks that those feelings are there i mean i don't know if that's the case then she maybe has some maturing to do because like again this isn't even just one guy there's two different guys and just because some guy says i love you doesn't mean she has to say it back

you know and just yeah you know and again i can appreciate why it might feel good on her part and she's getting attention i understand that but why why is she i mean first and foremost why is she like why these two guys you know what's going on there that she's you know it's not even as it's not even if they were telling the story like hey she's dating this one guy and she says she's in love and i have my concerns they're just like from what i'm understanding these two guys there's some similarities with their age and there's similarities in the fact they both could be you argued they have a power dynamic over her yeah and they both seem to be doing these these things um uh you know so like what's going on there that she's doing that you know um and i

don't have that answer but like just make her feel like you know that she doesn't have to feel pressure that's all and like just get herself in in a situation where she's feels more in control. Ask her, you know, ask her, do you feel like you're in control of these situations? That'd be a question I'd curious if she asks, because I want you to feel like you should be in control. Yeah. And, you know, well, and these, when any time you're afraid that your friend's in a toxic situation, the only thing you really can do is just show them as much love

and support as you can and make them feel empowered because in these situations, they feel a little like they don't have power, they don't have control. She's probably spending all her time trying to figure out these guys. What do they mean by this? What are they saying? If they are being manipulated. Yeah. So make her, so make her you know you gotta but try to do it without pushing her away don't make her feel judged don't make her feel stupid don't make

her feel you know what i'm saying these are all like and it was a fine line because it can be tough but i just want i think that's where i've been struggling is that because i'm the only person she talks to. I don't know how much to push back on her about these guys because I don't want her to feel like she can't talk to me about it anymore, that I'm judging her, I guess. My biggest concern is why are these secrets? Because the men want them to be.

I honestly think you need to tell someone. I think you should tell like her parents or something but that's just my opinion i i don't know i just am worried for her but yeah i mean i i don't know i mean she i just i again this is new to me and i'm confused but she is a she is an adult and she is she doesn't work for these people at any point she could just stop talking to them i understand they've asked her not to i understand they've said these things but you know what i'm saying i don't like there's nothing really stopping it down like there's just control things that people can do sure but at the risk of her going behind her friends back i mean

yeah you know i don't want to give you advice all of a sudden threaten this friendship if your friend's not in danger but i think you just just talk to her voice your concern i i would what i think you should do is say hey listen like this i don't know why you're making this a secret this shouldn't be and if it and if she says well they've asked me not to then then that's another again an opportunity for you to say well they shouldn't be asking you not to and it should concern you that they are asking you to keep a secret because you're doing nothing wrong you know talking to another adult about a potential dating situation shouldn't be remain a secret and there's a difference between like not you know putting your relationship life on blast on social media versus like, why do you have to keep this a secret? And if you do, then there's something wrong.

And if there's something wrong, then she should walk away. You know, like you kind of almost have to reverse engineer it and kind of saying, you know what I'm saying? Like try to set some clarity around it. Because that to me is the biggest red flag. This shouldn't be a secret. It shouldn't be taboo. It shouldn't be taboo. It shouldn't be wrong. And if it is, then there's something,

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Get smoother, fuller, and more natural-looking foundation coverage. Visit trisilk.com slash V-I-A-L-L today. Can I ask, how would you open that conversation, I guess? Because we've already had so many conversations about it, so I don't know how to just—I'm not a super direct person, so i don't know how to just open that does she i'm curious she's sharing these texts with you yes obviously right how do you have what she she shared these texts with you yeah right and why she just yeah i mean i'm curious as to why though she must she's confused she must have some questions if she's asking you it's she doesn't really ask me questions she just like when she sends me those texts it's not she's not reading it in a weird way she's happy about them she thinks they're like good does she

is like oh he so he is into me does she not get attention i think she thinks she doesn't we tell her all the time like how pretty she is and how guys like her and she says that we just say that because we're her friends so i think maybe in her head she thinks she doesn't yeah yeah i mean again it's one of those tough situations just gotta try to be as loving as possible and try to just keep doing that and make her feel comfortable and and again it's that fine line because you know if she sends you these texts be like hey listen you just come in like listen i don't know this guy or whatever but this not i'm i'm concerned because it shouldn't be a secret kind of thing. Yeah, I think that's a good angle. You know, but also, like, I just don't get, like, what does she want?

Like, why is she trying to, either they do like her or they don't. She needs to know that if she wants to hang out with seemingly older guys, that she needs to act more mature in that sense. And so it's one of those things, too. It's just like you don't get to – she's – it's just – that's where I'm uncomfortable because what – you're painting a picture of a girl who is maybe a little not as mature emotionally as maybe some of her peers. And that's fine.

And that person shouldn't be hanging out with older guys because it must be very confusing. And to Rochelle's point, maybe these guys are good at targeting people like your friends who are not able to do that. Because there might be 23, 24-year-old women who are very mature and I've been- Had three boyfriends. And some guy says that shit

and they're like, that's fucking weird, dude. And they're not afraid to that's fucking weird. Yeah. And they don't, and they're, and they're not afraid to call the guy out. Exactly. So you're in this tough spot of doing that. So you just have to try to make her see this. and,

and part of it is just don't make her feel judged. I don't know. That's, that's all I can say is it's tried to try to make her, you know, mention it, suggest it without making her feel, you know've been there. You relate. Even if maybe you didn't relate, be like, I had this situation once where I felt like this guy did this to me and I realized and I wonder if that might be going on. You're clearly a babe. Who wouldn't want? Of course he likes you. Who wouldn't like you? But, you know, I'm like, why is it a secret? Yeah. You know, don't get yourself in a situation where other people, you know, kind of like that.

I mean, it's a tough situation. Yeah. Yeah. Thanks for being a good friend. Shower her with love and support. Try not to make her feel judged and just keep giving her examples and help her ask the right questions to these guys. Yeah. And reach out if you need more support, you know, moving forward.

Okay. Thank you. Yeah. All right. Well, best of luck. Thanks for calling. I've learned something about this grooming thing. Yeah.

It's creepy. All right. Thank you. All right. Take care right take care bye bye how's it going good how are you good what's your name i am abigail and i am 28 hi abigail 28 how can we help okay so i sent in a novel so i'm just going to give like the high point thank you and rochelle will make sure that you uh if you leave anything out if i'm missing anything rochelle rochelle will uh let us know yeah okay so um i grew up in a really bad home situation and um didn't have a lot of support just because I was always super quiet about it, like never told anybody, was always like kind of forced or scared into not saying anything.

And in high school, I did have one really close guy friend who didn't know like everything that was going on, but knew enough where like, it was just a really safe, he was a really safe place for me, like a really comfortable person, um, for me to talk to. And he helped me through a lot of stuff. We never dated, um, never like hooked up or anything like that. Um, there was always, I feel like he had feelings for me, but I had dated his friend. Um, there was always, I feel like he had feelings for me, but I had dated his friend. Um, so I knew I was off limits and like grew up in a really small community and things like that. So it just would have been weird if we had dated.

So, um, if I fast forward to college, like we went to different colleges. Um, I met my now husband freshman year. And there was a little period though, where we were both single and kind of separated from high school. So in the midst of college, actually before I met my husband, I got in a really bad, like abusive relationship. And there was one night we had made plans to, um, meet up the next day in our hometown. And we did. Um, but the night before, um, I had been assaulted by this person. Um, so basically I'm really looking forward to this trip home because I'm like, okay, I'm going to see like my best friend, like everything's going to be fine. He's going to like continue to be my safe place.

And that day that we met up, he basically professed his love for me, which was really like not received well by me at all. I said a lot of things that i regretted um and basically was just in this place of like can i be anything that isn't sexual like to anyone for once like can i just have someone that's just just safe yeah so really really big fight like said things that i regret left him on the side of the road. Like we were on our way to breakfast. Like it was just bad. Like get away. But you were in a terrible place. Yeah. Really bad place. Absolutely. So we eventually like kind of acted like it never happened. Um, I went on dating my now husband, um, and he and I stayed like

kind of superficially close. Um, I went to a couple of date parties, um, at his university, like we kept up over breaks and then he started dating somebody. Um, and it was great. Like we hung out as couples and everything, um, and just really normal, but like never really brought up what had happened between us. So I started going through therapy recently, not recently, for a couple of years. And he's come up a lot, like as somebody who I think I feel a lot of guilt for the way that I've handled things. And then also just somebody that I've kind of realized, like, I don't want to have this superficial relationship with him. I don't have any relationship with any of my family. And he's kind of like the closest thing to me that I can still kind of hold on to from like

childhood, high school. But you're married, right? Yes. Yeah. Yes. So I I did I brought it up with my husband and I was like I think I'm gonna call you know so and so and you know basically kind of let him know basically what was going on when we were friends and apologize for that really bad conversation. So I did. And it was a really good conversation. We talked for like four hours. And I think just getting all of that out in the open. And we had decided in that conversation that like once a month or whenever we can, like just call each other on our lunch break and kind of like catch up and decide to be more active friends, if that makes sense. So we did that a few times and everything was going great. It was good to catch up and I was really enjoying like hearing more about his

marriage and, you know, he was asking me about having kids and stuff like that. Yeah. He's married now. Yes. Until a few weeks ago um he texted me at like 2 a.m on a saturday night three times in a row saying i want to see you oh it makes me so mad um and i woke up like Sunday morning and I looked at my phone and I just instantly knew that our friendship was over um I I just had this feeling in my gut and then like sure as shit like his wife saw it um and we had to have this like conversation and it turns out we kind of like decompressed that next monday during our lunch break and he was like well she's always like had an issue with you anyway um which was news to me i mean i had absolutely no idea um that she even knew that she had liked me at one point like Like, I feel like we were so,

I never told anybody about that. Um, so yeah, so that's where we're at. My, my thing is I'm kind of, I feel like I know the answer to this dilemma in my mind. It's like, you just don't mess with somebody else's marriage. And I said, like, if I've lost with her, then I've lost with you. with somebody else's marriage. And I said, like, if I've lost with her, then I've lost with you. Like, I'm not going to fight for something that like, isn't mine. Like, it's not my marriage. It's not like, if she's not okay with me, I'm not going to, first of all, go behind her back and talk to you. Um, and I've kind of gotten to the point where like, I just don't think we can be friends like at all. Like, I just don't think we can be friends like at all like i just don't think there's a world now that i don't know yeah i mean is that your overall question whether or

do i agree with the fact that i don't you don't think you guys can be friends anymore or or not i guess i'm just wondering if there's a different angle I could be looking at it like and I've I think I'm just surprised that the extent to which this has affected me um just like when it comes to resilience and like brushing things off and dealing with things like I can deal with pretty much anything at this point but this is but this has really gotten to me. I mean, listen, it's hard for me to relate in any way of some of the things that you shared. I mean, I didn't have a troubled childhood like you have, and I wasn't assaulted in any way,

and I still have great relationships with my parents, and I have 10 siblings, and I have friends. And those are all important to me. I still have great relationships with my parents and I have, I mean, should I have 10 siblings and I have friends. So, and those are all important to me. So the only thing I can relate in the sense is that when you express the fact that what he was to you as a connection to this childhood and like, do you seem like the one good bright spot of, of your past? I can try to appreciate that because of how important it is to me, right? And so, I can totally get why you are trying to hang on to that friendship. But unfortunately, yeah,

you're probably right is that it still doesn't change the fact that he has these feelings for you. And it sucks that he is married now. And it sucks that his wife has to deal with this. And then he probably wasn't totally honest with her about his feelings for you. He was probably trying to mask that. And, you know, he I'm sure he has his version, right? His story about this girl he was in love with, who he tried to be friends with and couldn't. And then shot his shot and got tragically shut down. And then you call up apologizing for it. And he probably accepted it for what it was at the time is, hey, I'm sorry for how I treated you, but we can't help who we love sometimes and how we have feelings for and, and he gets drunk and you know what I'm saying?

And so it just kind of unfortunately sounds like a, a bummer situation. Right. And you tried your best to make it work, even though deep down it never really had a shot, you know, and giving your situation, I understand what your motivation.

I mean, if it was someone else, let's say you called up and told me the story and you were like yeah you know he's just a guy i've been friends with and you know i've had a good childhood and i have all these things i would just be like hey you gotta let this shit go yeah you know but for you i listen i i literally can't relate to this this desire of wanting to hang on to him for that um and but unfortunately yes i it it seems like you have exhausted all your options and the reality is he is not your friend i mean he cares

about you as a friend does and he obviously loves you and and you are married to someone else and he's married and more importantly, forgetting about his marriage because that's not your responsibility. You don't want, you don't think of him that way. And unfortunately, that's how he thinks of you. And so you just kind of have to accept that and hopefully what you have in your life now and your husband, your marriage,

and it will be enough. And I understand that that's sad that you'll have to say goodbye to that. But just, I mean, if there's a silver lining, he does love you, this guy cares about you. And while you may not be able to have him in your life and have him in a way that you hope to have him as a friend, like this is, it's, you know, there's nothing, it's just a, it's kind of a, one of those kind of beautiful, sad love stories that just didn't work out, but he still cares about you. He really wants the best for you. He's having a hard time expressing it.

I feel bad for him because I'm sure he loves his life, but he just never really, you know, he cares about you and, and unfortunately you don't feel the same way. And sometimes that happens and but yeah and i'm kind of to this place where and i was talking to my i was talking to my husband about this and he feels like it's just kind of the fact that regardless even if even if he hadn't like texted me or something almost that there was no way i ever could have been in his life again just because i was like a reminder of something that didn't yeah like happen for him or even for her like i think her knowing that i was the girl that

like he wanted but didn't get yeah yeah that's the thing too it's just like that's and that's the thing too it's it's entirely possible because he had these feelings for you certainly at one point and didn't get you and and again he could easily be very much in love with his life wife but then like they have a bad month they get in a fight and then it's so easy to like you know reminisce about you and maybe because seemingly most time you seemingly you guys most times are friends you become these you know friends what do their friends do they they vent to each other and sometimes they share their frustrations about their relationship seeming you know and if it's the opposite sex and oh you're so understanding

you know unfortunately like you know in any relationship it's so much easier to get mad at your spouse you see them all the time you get sick of them they like, you know, in any relationship, it's so much easier to get mad at your spouse. You see them all the time. You get sick of them. They get annoying. They're literally actually the one person you won't get advice. I mean, 10 other people could give you the same advice and it sounds great. And your husband says, like, you're a fucking idiot.

You know what I'm saying? And so because deep down he has these feelings, it's just you're not his platonic friend. He'll never actually see you that way. And it's just, yeah, I think you just have to try to say goodbye to that. And then I'm sorry because I know that's going to feel like a loss on your part, and it's not going to be easy. But again, maybe there's a silver lining of saying you're at least being the strong one here in the sense that, you know, it's for your marriage and you know that he wishes he could have you in his life. But like you said, you just can't allow that for his sake and for his marriage's sake. And so maybe there's a fact that you are the strong one in this relationship that might be empowering.

I don't know. I'm spitballing here. relationship that, that might be empowering. I don't know. I'm spitballing here, but, um, So, so Mike, what do you don't think, cause I've gone back trying to like, what, what could I have done to make this better? And I keep going back to the point of like, could I have maybe if she knew more about me and knew like, cause like I said, I've not many people in my life no you did nothing wrong like you can't i'm wondering if i should have asked though if i should have asked for permission like said hey is it okay if i like talk to your i mean that feels weird to me but i don't think so

no ultimately you're not it's it's not your marriage to protect i mean you didn't have malicious intentions from what i'm hearing it'd'd be one thing if you deep down wanted to fuck him and you just lied to yourself. You know what I'm saying? You made them believe that your intentions were different than they are. Then that's not okay. But you didn't have these feelings for him. And you were hoping and maybe you were lying to yourself deep down, always knowing you felt that way.

But fine, whatever. That's still not your responsibility. I think you just need to accept that, you know, and I don't think you should feel any guilt. You've done nothing wrong. You tried everything, literally everything. You even went back and apologized and good for you for doing that. And that was probably a really healthy thing that you did, but you've kind of exhausted every avenue of salvaging this platonic friendship. And unfortunately, that's not what it is. And now the tough part for you

is just kind of accepting that and moving forward and certainly always show him love in an appropriate way, but not in a way that shows, like not with any kind of friendship or consistency. He's not a confidant. I don't think you should trust him with any information. I don't think you should allow yourself to be a person he confides in, certainly about his relationship, because now you know, like now you've really accepted the reality and there's no going back. So I don't think you've done anything wrong.

Going forward, I think you should just let it go because if you were to say, continue to try to be that person, now you know that his wife's not uncomfortable with it. Now you know how he really, you've accepted that. So now going forward, now it's on you to do the right thing. And I am sorry that you are gonna lose a friend

and he's probably someone who's special to you and that sucks I just want to applaud you for your resilience and coming through and you have a beautiful family now and just good for you that's tough

you certainly don't feel any guilt and you don't have any responsibility to do anything that you have and you know what good for you it sounds like you have an understanding husband who's been willing to talk through with this, with you. Not every husband might, might do that.

They might get immediately jealous and frustrated. So it sounds like that's, that's great. And, and keep, you know, protect that. And that's,

that's great. And, and maybe just thank your husband for being patient and understanding, assuming that he is, you know, that you know, protect that. And that's, that's great. And, and maybe just thank your husband for being patient and understanding, assuming that he is, you know, that you're, uh, Yeah, no, he just, I think it's just being secure. Yeah, totally. You know what I mean? I think, I think it's just like, I don't know. I think it's just a matter of like knowing how much, I don't know. I think I'm just clearly very fiercely protective

of what we have anyway. That's awesome. And he knows that and he's secure here in that. And that's really special. A lot of people don't have that. I guarantee there's a lot of people listening who are like, oh God, I wish I had a husband to talk to. Like I could trust to talk about these things.

And so that's really, that's, you know, it sounds like you've overcome a lot to have this relationship. Not a lot of people who have gone through what you've gone through and and been able to have a very healthy communication with their husband or wife so you know there's that's yeah that's therapy man that's and good for you for doing that and sharing that so um don't don't feel any guilt about this you've done it's not your job you can't marriages are hard enough you're doing enough to protect yours you don't need to protect his that is on him and yeah he needs to accept that and move on yeah so i shouldn't write her an

apology no no no definitely not nope okay that's that's their journey you've done nothing wrong i know you have nothing to be sorry for. Yep. Okay. Yeah. Well, thank you. No problem. Thank you. Yeah.

All right. Take care. All right. Have a good one, y'all. Yeah, you too. Bye-bye. Bye. This might sound cheesy, but it reminds me of Love Actually. I love the movie Love Actually, where the friend's in love with Keira Knightley, and

then he comes and he says to me, you're perfect. Yeah. Like his last thing, and then he goes away. Which, I'll be honest, in the movie, it's like it's like oh it's so sweet but kind of a dick fucking move that's a terrible fucking friend he wanted to tell i get it i understand the romance the movie but when you break it down i fuck you dude he couldn't help it he loved her yeah well still not okay how's it going hi hi what's your name my name's erin how old are you erin i'm 23 years old erin 23 how can we help so i sent you guys a email. And so my situation is this, that I have been dating somebody who is not from where I'm from. He's, I'm from a major city and he's from the middle of the country, really

small town farmer type of background, like family wise. And so he moved here and originally he, he came here for work. It was a better opportunity for him but he hates it like to the extreme the the noise bothers him the people everything about it is not for him and so we hit it off really well really quickly and now it looks like we can't be together because he's just so unhappy here that it's going to be very hard for him to be with anyone here and even today there's like an update from the email i sent you which was that i told him that he should go home because it's obvious that he's so unhappy here that it's not worth it now when you said that to him did you really mean that or were you almost like a reverse psychology

you should go then no i meant it of like you're not happy okay you got to do what's going to make you happy and that like it hurts to say that but i mean i have gone on so many dates in my life so many and i have never clicked with anyone so it was really shocking to meet somebody that you click with and then the reason why you can't really be together is just because she's miserable here and you lost you wrote the email, she lost her virginity to him. Okay. Yeah. Just another layer. Another layer. How long has he lived there? A couple months. Okay. Like five, four. Not a long time. Not a long time. Not a long time.

She's an extrovert. He's an introvert. She said he likes to be very quiet, play video games, and be in the woods by himself. Yeah. Okay. I don't want you to feel bad. It might have been a little preemptive of you to tell him he should move. He's only been there for a few months. It takes people.

I don't care if you go from one major city to another. Every city is different um every situation is different it takes people sometimes a good long time to acclimate i'm not saying he's gonna eventually love living there but yeah you know obviously you really like him you've you lost virginia with this guy you've are emotionally invested uh you've expressed that you feel like you've dated a ton and haven't connected he's the first person you connected with so you have a lot invested and you really like them and you're really bummed out that right now it seems like something so simple is is not allowing you to move uh to move forward but um i will i wonder if but I wonder if sometime, I wonder if

indirectly you're kind of adding to this pressure that he has? Because again, it's been less than six months from living there. I mean, how does he, how can you, how many friends does he have there other than you? He does have some family, but this family is moving soon. And so that's definitely going to make it harder. Sure.

But, and how old is he? 24. Okay. You know, young man in a new city, take some time, you know?

I mean, if I were his friend and he came to me and said regardless of you let's say you didn't exist in his life and he's like oh i'm just really not liking it i'd be like give it a year at least you've actually given that advice to a lot of people haven't you yeah it's just like you know what even if you are miserable for a little bit that's fine live in a city you're miserable for it's a good learning experience like this is nothing wrong take some risk you know it's not going to be necessarily easy especially if he's like thinking of just moving back to where he's from and he may end up doing that like some people aren't meant for a big city

and there's nothing wrong with that some people want that but there's a difference between that and and the first time in your life you take a real big risk and you change your whole world and environment, you're not going to fall in love with it immediately. It's just going to be hard. It's going to be difficult and you're going to get sad and you're going to get lonely and you're going to oh, who are these weird people? Why is it

like this? And why do people talk like this? And why do people like... It's an adjustment, you know? So I don't think you should be telling him to move right now i mean he also has said like many times he wants to go home and i get that was like yeah i'm sure he has i i don't doubt it but you know the holidays just happened unfortunately listen you're also probably not the person who should tell him to stay because you're like, you're totally biased, you know? Yeah.

So, you know, I mean, you can tell him to stay, but like, again, if I were his friend or an older brother or a co-worker, I would just say you owe it to yourself.

You have nothing to lose by sticking it out and making this work. Because if the worst thing that happens is you last six more months and you still don't like it, you can still always go back. And even if you don't love this city, you're going to have experiences that you'll remember. And even if they're experiences that he doesn't necessarily have the best time, they're still going to be life experiences. And there's nothing negative about that. So that's just like life advice I'd give this totally strange guy.

As far as you're concerned, I mean, you know, I'm sorry. That sucks, you know. You love a guy. He's excited about him. You lost your virginity to him. You're going to have, have you know this guy will always be in your life in a as a memory of nothing else you lost your virginity to him that's special you know and and that's if it if he does move back if it doesn't work out

even though you feel like you've gone on a million dates and he's the first person and you might have to go on a million more to find another person you're still only 23 you know this is the time of your life that that you're gonna you're gonna be glad at some point in your life whenever you meet your guy and when even if it's him you're going to be glad at some point that you win on all those dates you are you're going to be glad that you have these stories to tell You're going to be glad that you have these stories to tell. You're going to be glad that you have these memories of bad dates and weird dudes and all these stories you got to have with your friends. You're going to be happy you have them, and they're going to be fun.

And then when you, like, are older and someone says, tell me about a time in your life when this happened, you're going to have things to say, you know? And so, you know, it's just you're not feeling that right now because you're gonna have things to say you know and so you know it's just you're not feeling that right now because you're sad and bummed and i get why i think part of the worry is that he's been in really bad moods within the last couple like within the last since basically christmas it seemed like something switched of him being really unhappy to be here

to a different level to where he doesn't really want to do anything anymore because he's so unhappy he's in a rut I mean again minus you know I'm not having access to him and he's not even asking for our advice but um you could pull away a little bit and say hey listen you know how I feel about you I really like you I want you but but and the reason why I said move is because I do, I care about you so much. I just want you to be happy, even if it's not with me kind of thing. But, you know, you could even say, hey, advice I got from someone else, like just, why don't you just, just stick it out? And I'm around if you want to hang out, you know, but like, let's try to do some things, you know, here's what you don't want to do, right? If you do hang out you know but like let's try to do some things you know here's what you don't want

to do right if you do hang out with him and he's grumpy and in a bad mood don't keep pointing out that he's in a bad mood you know if it's going to make you frustrated and i get why it would it's like oh dude you're like really just get the fuck you know fucking get out of it you know that's only gonna make it worse so just kind of he needs a support system and he's probably just feeling lonely and discouraged you know um how's his job going for him is he like the actual job they're and i've heard stories i mean they're like mean to him like i've never seen anything like it it's given like where I'm from, like a really bad reputation because devil wears product. They're what's the industry that he's working in.

He works in like a hospital. And so it's a lot of people in the medical field that are maybe not that happy that they chose that field. And they're just like really nasty. Is he doing residency? Yeah. He can't leave then. Can you, can you leave residency? No, not, not residency? Yeah. He can't leave then, can you? Can you leave residency?

No, not residency, sorry. Like a tech. Oh. Is it like a surgical tech or a medical tech? Like ultrasound. Or, sorry, x-ray. Okay. So, in theory, he could get a job at a different hospital?

in theory he could get a job at a different hospital I've spoken to him about this because I do know people at another major hospital that is good and he doesn't want to do it because he's just like it's still this area and it's still like going to be the same thing

I mean I tried and even like if I wasn't with him and I were to end it hypothetically I would say like I still want you to be happy here if I wasn't with him and I were to end it hypothetically, I would say, I still want you to be happy here. I want you to help you. So I'm not going to hold back. But the reality is maybe a big city is not for him. You can't necessarily change that. I don't think he really knows that answer because now he's combining a new city

that's not necessarily his speed with a work environment that's toxic and he's just not having fun there's no way he would like it you know i but there's he he is not he's not getting an objective picture of of what this experience could be for him, you know? So minus your relationship with him, again, I would just, as a friend, encourage him, just like, just say, listen, what's the worst thing? You know, you don't, you know you don't like these people and how they treat you that regardless, regardless if you were back at your hometown or you stayed here, that environment wouldn't be something you'd want to stick in.

We can, we agree on that. You'd be like, yeah yeah so like what's the worst thing that could happen if you just give it one more shot and maybe you it might grow on you and maybe not but um especially if the reason he moved out here is because there's better opportunities and he came out you know is he really willing to quit this easily in less than a year on something that you know like if it if he gives another job and it still doesn't work out he can always move then so like the the downside of staying is there's not much and there's a big upside of maybe he just there's been a lot of people in his situation that have stuck it out and been really glad that they did. You know, a lot of people who,

you know, as a 24-year-old man, young man, he's going to move back and it's kind of like, well, he can always go home and play video games and stay inside. Yeah. You know, so try if you can to be more of a friend than a girlfriend to him right now and try to take the pressure off.

When you get frustrated at him, try not to express that to him right now. Express it to your friends or give us a call or something. Because don't make him feel pressure about it or guilt. Does that make sense you know because he's lacking some friends here and he's lacking a support system and i can only assume that when he's getting support from you he's worried if it's even objective you know he needs to stick it out for at least a year so tell him that you know just say hey listen i know i told you to move but like

i just you just you never know so just try what's the worst thing that can happen in a year you move back yeah that's all okay and you'll have good experience and if nothing else he needs you know from a resume standpoint he doesn't want to quit something in six months, but if he does decide to say, you should say, Hey, make the, make the most of it. You know,

don't, don't poo poo. You know, don't be like, Oh, I'm going to stay, but it's going to suck. You know,

positive mental attitude. You know, you create, make the most of it. I understand. All right. Thanks for calling. Yeah.

I really appreciate this. All right. We for calling. Yeah, I really appreciate this. All right. Well, take care. Thank you. Bye-bye. Bye. How's it going? I'm good.

I'm Shannon. Hi, Shannon. I'm 24. Hi, Shannon, 24. How can we help? Well, actually, this past weekend, I sort of lost one of my guy friends. We have been very distant for the past month.

He hasn't really been. He usually, like, texts me or whatever and calls me or whatever, because we live 45 minutes away. And so I don't really see him that much except in the summer um but anyway he would he's just been really distant with me and so finally like I I've been expressing my concerns about it I've literally blatantly asked him okay is our friendship still in a priority? And I don't know. These are just one of the times where I was just like, all right, do you still care about me or whatever? That's not what I actually said.

But anyway, he replied back and was just like, I'm with my girlfriend. Is this an emergency? And frankly, it really hurts. And part of the reason why I decided it was best if I am not friends with him again is because I did like him like last year. And I think I still did a little bit into the summer. And I knew that if I was friends with him, well, for one, it would affect my emotional health because of that. And two, I knew I would think of the girl and be like, okay, what does she have that I don't you know and i if anything i just want advice on how to deal with a problem like this because i'm i'm to the point where i

feel like i'm too afraid to have a guy friend now well my you don't you never did you know you liked him that's fine and then you kept trying to you know come up with all these scenarios and and then tell yourself well i used to like them but now i don't now we're friends you know but the truth is you just liked them the whole time you know um so you know it's you just need to be careful in the future not to do this again and what i mean by again is not to convince yourself that you're just friends with a guy you ultimately like, right? And so if you meet a guy and you enjoy his company, you need to be honest with yourself and vulnerable with yourself to admit, do I like him or not? Right? Because what people do, you know, guys do it too, is that it's easier and safer to just

act like a friend with someone that you have an attraction to a physical attraction to and you don't really have to risk anything because we're just gonna hang out we're just gonna be friends you know and then then you kind of tell yourself you're just friends and then maybe you have this kind of period where you admit yourself you like them but that you know so you have to not do that again, you know, because there's no risk in being friends with a guy if you are, in fact, just friends, you know. And you will know when that's true because you really would like the idea of you guys dating. You'd be like, oh, God, no, please. I hope they don't like me because I'll feel real awkward.

You know, that's when you know that you are just friends with them because you're really hoping they'd never be like, I love you. And you're like, what? No. Because you are just friends. It would be the same thing as you are attracted to men. You're not attracted to women, right? I mean, it's fine if you are. So imagine one of your female friends would say, I love you.

You'd be like, I thought we were just friends. I'm not attracted to you that way. You should think of it the same way. A guy friend, even though if you're attracted to guys, if he's just a friend, it's just that, a platonic friend that's like a brother. So just you got to be careful, be honest with yourself and not convince yourself you're just friends just because it's easier to accept and you're just afraid of being vulnerable and you're afraid of admitting to yourself that you like someone that might not like you back you know that's scary it's scary to even do it to yourself you know it's scary to admit to someone that you like them and then get rejected but even to yourself to say i really like them but i don't think they're gonna like me you know we do that a lot sometimes so yeah i'm gonna be honest he already knows that i

liked him i guess i still do but um i was wondering that myself um so i guess that's also why i feel weird about it so why do you feel weird what do you mean by weird by weird um i mean i know it's doable but i think it's just what's doable to have a to have a friend that's a guy who's dating someone. Yeah, but it's doable, but this is not him. It's not doable with him because you don't want him to be your friend. So what you need to do is stop pretending and telling yourself and convince yourself that you can be his friend. It is totally okay with admitting yourself that you like him.

You're making things way too complicated for yourself, and you're taking on this burden of like you don't have to i'm sure you have other friends he's a guy you liked you know and that's why you got so close with them but you're kind of being dishonest with yourself about the friendship it's not a friendship you you like them and that's okay and i'm sorry he has a girlfriend and maybe he doesn't feel the same way, but someone else will, you know? But what you don't want to do is, like, he's going to, you know, because he probably likes you as a friend, right? But he also has a girlfriend. He doesn't think of you the same way that he does his girlfriend. So he'll totally be open to the idea of you being okay and being cool with the fact that he has a girlfriend and being a friend, but on his terms, right? So then what you, like a lot of people in

your position often have a habit of doing is being like, okay, well then I, can I do this? I'll do this. And then you lie to yourself about your ability to be the type of friend that he is okay with having, even though you're not, because you like him and you want him to make you a priority. Like when you said like, is our friendship still a priority? You're not meeting friendship. You mean, am I a priority for you? The same way you would want to be, have a, you know, the same way you would want a boyfriend to make you a priority. And so you're kind of making it confusing for yourself and confusing for him. Because in fairness, like how many friends have you gone to and said, have, are, am I still a priority for you you know that should all come naturally

with friends but what are the guy you like didn't you're like you kind of use the friendship as an excuse to demand more from him you know does that make sense yeah i think you're just a little bummed and that's okay because you like okay yeah you're bummed it happens it's a grieving process when you say you lost your friend you kind of feel like you got broken up with i'm assuming when he was like hey i'm with my girlfriend are you busy right now that really probably hurt yeah and it really hurt yeah you need to stop start admitting that to yourself there's okay you. A lot of people are in your shoes. Yeah.

And you're hurt and you got your heart broken a little bit. And you didn't lose a friend. You lost a potential lover. Kind of, you know, a boy you have a crush on. Someone you have connected with. And you felt, and you, you know, half of a relationship is the emotional connection that friends have. You know? So you had half of a relationship with a guy.

You didn't have the other part and he was never your boyfriend, but there is a grieving process because you still lost that part. But don't confuse it as a platonic friendship and don't lie to yourself and stop trying to make this friendship work. You're torturing yourself.

Yeah, and don't in the future, don't invest too much of yourself into someone who doesn't like you back the same way yeah but to do that you have to admit to yourself that you like them yeah you have you stop pretending you don't you know people always have a way of admitting well i used to like them but i'm fine now i'm fine now we're just friends now well the only reason why i i have um i did think that I didn't really like him was because there have been times

where I have hung out with him and like, yeah, I'm not attracted to him. You know what I mean? But then there's times, I think I was kind of liked the idea of dating him and that was the problem, I guess. I don't know. I get, listen, this this can ball i get why it can all be very confusing and it makes sense that there are days where you do and there are

days that you don't but the point is what he clearly wasn't is a platonic friend you didn't have interest in and because you weren't sure if he reciprocated the same feelings, it is natural for you almost like internally try to convince yourself you don't. I don't know if I really like him. You do. I'm telling you that you really do. And just imagine, just imagine not to torture yourself, but imagine how it would make you feel if he called you up today and said, I love you.

Can we be together? I really want to be with you. I just want to spend all my time with you. All I want to do is make you the biggest priority ever. Imagine how good that would make you feel. Now, don't do that to torture yourself, but do that to acknowledge your feelings for him and know that you can't keep hanging out with him and these false pretenses of friendship because that's just going to be torture. And I'll say as someone in my 30s, yes, you can be friends with men

and friends with men who have wives and who have girlfriends. It's totally possible. And you can love them and they can love you. Yes, but you are very clear that they're- Yes, I'm not interested romantically in them at all. And that same is for me. And the flip side of the situation i just shared with you

the idea of him professing his love for you would almost be like oh my god please it would it would give you hives so it's it's very black and white it's one of the two yeah either it gives you butterflies or it gives you hives yeah you know and it's real simple to imagine what what your reaction would be you know there's no gray area some days you do some days you don't and i think you know and i think in your case it's just you really like them you know yeah which is why i mean such a bummer yeah i'm sorry you know i just i just don't think i can be friends with him because of that reason exactly so don't torture yourself because a lot of people in your position have this habit of we just talk to someone figuring out how i can be friends with

them and then you'll torture yourself because he'll be friends with you he will then one day you'll wake up at 2 a.m and i've had guy friends i've had guy friends have these types of women in their lives for years and there might there's a little hookup in between but they're they're only available you know when so that could happen you know and if you let it happen he'll let it happen and in some cases it's not just on him because again he's like we're friends you know so i think you should walk away this is a breakup for you you know i treat it like that you know um stop calling him your friend and you'll mourn you know you're allowed to mourn you're allowed to be sad you're allowed you're allowed to feel vulnerable and even

angry you know but some of that you know but you'll only make it worse when you pretend that he's a buddy you know there's no reason to feel foolish or you know sometimes in these cases you feel dumb and you're like oh i shouldn't have done that or what it's fine it's over now you know yeah but next time next boy you meet if the similar happens, because you're going to have a pattern, just admit to yourself you like him and see if he likes you back. And if he does, great. And if he doesn't, don't be his friend.

There's no consolation prize with being friends with guys that you have a crush on. And for some reason, we seem to do this. Well, we can be friends. It's okay. You're not going to change their mind later.'s not an in yeah men do it too yeah yeah okay so yeah i think you just need to be honest with yourself and accept it and even if it makes you a little sad in the short term you'll be better off in the long term thanks so much for calling in hopefully that was helpful you're gonna be okay i know it's just probably just dumped a lot of truth on you and you know but it's gonna be it's gonna be fine

you're not the first person to have nope have gone through this so ashley and jared yeah no ashley and jared are the exception not the rule i know i know i know but she did that okay all right take care bye all right thank you bye bye ashley and jared are so the exception i know i know i know but she did that okay thanks all right take care bye all right thank you bye bye ashley and jared are so the exception i know but that's the tactic she took become his best friend different though no it's different because jared was it's different i know i know i know i know but that's not what's going i don't think it's a good thing to do also, but she was adorable. So adorable. Yeah.

Classic, classic case. I mean, we got two calls, one on one end, one on the other. He is not your friend. And that's the thing, and I bet she's nice and always there for him. Yeah. Very accommodating.

Yeah. It's a slippery slope of him and he knows probably. Deep down, yeah. You know. Well, she told him.

She had feelings for him. Yeah. And then she's like, you know, but then I don't. Let's be friends. And then, you know,

it's, I don't really like him. I used to like him. I don't know, but I just want to be his friend. But I'm really, really hurt. But I'm really hurt

and I want to know why you're not making us a priority. Dating's hard, people. Dating, yeah. Relationships. Well, another fun episode. Another fun episode. What did we learn today? Heavy, heavy episode.

Heavy. We learned about grooming. I'm still a little creeped out from that concept. Yeah, me too. But good conversations to have. Trust your friends. Yeah. Be there for your friends. So important. Yeah.

Anything else? No. Thanks so much for everyone for again being vulnerable and opening up. Thanks for your questions. We will see you back tomorrow for another recap of The Bachelor. Mm-hmm. And then join us on Wednesday for a guest to be determined.

I don't know. All right, see you later.