The Viall Files - E848 Ask Nick - My BF Is Back On Dating Apps

Episode Date: December 2, 2024

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition!  Our first caller was blocked by her brother’s pregnant ex, but wants to get back in contact. Our second caller’s boyfriend wants to go back on dating apps to sell insurance. And, our third caller regrets breaking up with her stoner boyfriend. “Maybe you are going after people that aren’t good partners for you.” Listen to Humble Brag with Cynthia Bailey and Crystal Kung Minkoff every Monday starting October 21st! Available wherever you get your podcasts and YouTube:  https://www.youtube.com/@humblebragpod https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/humble-brag-with-crystal-and-cynthia/id1774286896 https://open.spotify.com/show/4NWA8LBk15l2u5tNQqDcOO?si=c03a23d537f94735 Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice, send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: FirstLeaf - Make every cozy night in special with wines from Firstleaf that you know you’ll love. Go to https://www.TryFirstleaf.com/viall to sign up and you’ll get your first SIX handpicked bottles for just $44.95. Article - Article is offering our listeners $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more. To claim, visit https://www.article.com/viall and the discount will be automatically applied at checkout. BetterHelp - Find comfort this December, with BetterHelp. Visit https://www.BetterHelp.com/viall  today to get 10% off your first month. Skylight Frame - As a special limited-time offer for our listeners, get $20 off your purchase of a Skylight Frame when you go to https://www.SkylightFrame.com/FILES OUAI - Go to https://www.TheOUAI.com for 20% off sitewide from November 26 to December 2 when you enter promo code VIALLFILES. Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @justinkaphillips @dereklanerussell

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and the discount will be automatically applied at checkout. That's artikl.com slash V-I-A-L-L for $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more. How's it going? Hi, I'm good. How are you? Good. What's your name? My name is Fiona.

I'm 27 years old and my brother's pregnant ex-girlfriend blocked me and my whole family. Okay. Blocked you or blocked your brother too? Oh, blocked him too. Okay, and they're not together? They are not together, no. They were barely together. They were together for two months, very brief. And they just happened to get pregnant or she got pregnant? Well, that is according to her, it is his. According to us, the chances are it is not.

So your brother doesn't believe it's his? No. Well, so the story goes, they were together for two months. For context, my brother was a virgin before he met her. So he waited a long time, he's 24 years old, and basically wanted to wait until he was with the right girl to like lose his virginity. So this was his first girlfriend.

They were together for two months. They hooked up a handful of times, he says about 10 times and he never climaxed with her. So she seems to be convinced that it's his. Did he wear protection? They did not wear protection. She asked him not to. So that along with the timelines are not adding up. So she reached out to him on September 20th to say, look, I'm pregnant.

It's yours. I'm keeping it. That's that. He freaked out, was very shocked, was just confused about the whole thing. She said she was six weeks pregnant, which would have made her like, we looked up this because we had no idea how they calculate how long people are pregnant. But according to all of our research,

if you're six weeks pregnant on September 20th, it would make your last period. August 9th is essentially how the six weeks comes. It's calculated from the first day of your last period. Again, what we read and the last time they hooked up was July 28th. So the timelines aren't adding up. There's rumors that she had hooked up with other people. So we're not sure what to believe. Okay. Well, just know she could also be lying about the six weeks.

Very much. Yeah. Oh, what a pickle. Yeah. Let's hope. Yeah. That this ends up being nothing more than a real tough lesson is why your brother should wear protection and practice safe sex and enforce that boundary even when his potential partner asks him not to. Because, you know, even men have the right to enforce boundaries in bed.

So let's hope that. Boy, what a tough, tough situation. Why it's tough is because obviously the emotional distress your brother must be feeling is like, I'm assuming your brother wants to know if he is in fact a father. Yeah, pretty much. One way or the other, right? It's just like, hey, just like whatever you guys believe.

Yes. He was very much willing to be involved in the beginning. Obviously we weren't originally blocked by her. She was very much much willing to be involved in the beginning. Obviously, we weren't originally blocked by her. She was very much wanting him to be involved. So, when did the blocking happen? So, right when we first found out, we didn't really talk to her for about a weekend. We were all just like trying to wrap our heads around it, trying to come together, figure out what we're going to do. But once he had had a couple days to process, he was like, okay, I want to be involved with as much as I can. I want to get on the same page. Like, we're going to be in

this together. So I'd love to, you know, have some sort of friendship with her going forward. So he met up with her after a few days, everything went well. They cried together, they talked about how stressed they were, they came together as a unit and everything seemed good. So all of that was pretty much secured until the following day when she reached out to him again and basically asked him to come over. He said, I just got home from work. I'm talking with my parents. My parents are emotional. So we're just talking things out. And she said, Well, you're not being here for me and your baby. So come over immediately.

He panicked naturally didn't want to be that guy wanted to just do whatever he could. So he went over there and she sort of threw a tantrum, cried, freaked out. She was, told him she wished she never involved him. She was throwing out insane accusations, like first said he was being a deadbeat dad, even though we just found out. She accused him and I of sleeping together, me and my brother. She said rude things about me posting sexy pictures on Instagram. She threatened to kill herself, threatened to smoke cigarettes. So she had a big, essentially, mental break of sorts. And then following that day, blocked us and said, I wish I never told you. Wow. So let's go back to the, uh, the, the, uh, I guess evidence.

So your brother last had sex with her when? July 28th. And then at what date she said she was what? She said on September 20th that she was six weeks pregnant. That would put her at what? Early August? Yes. Well, July 28th and early August are just a few days apart.

Yeah. It's not super off. Yeah. In fact, it's kind of pretty on. Yeah, it's not super off. Yeah. In fact, it's kind of pretty on. It's close. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. And your brother is convinced he didn't climax like at all? Yeah, very much. So yeah. I gotta say, pretty impressed for a virgin. I know. Well, he, the only reason I know this is because the whole time they were even together, he was coming to me like, ask your friends,

like is this normal, have they ever experienced this? And, Is what normal? Like not being able to finish, essentially. So he was having, it was an issue in their relationship that he couldn't climax. Performance anxiety. Yeah, that's kind of what I told him.

I mean, obviously I don't know for sure, but. Okay, I don't know. I mean, I don't know what to do. I know. obviously I don't know for sure, but. Damn, okay. I don't know, I mean, I don't know what to do. I know. Because I don't know what is, all he is at this point is the alleged father. Yeah. I don't know what rights he has. Basically none.

We reached out to a lawyer and we asked them the same question and it was essentially nothing. Like if she doesn't wanna do a paternity test, then we don't have any rights until the baby's born and we can confirm that it's his. But when the baby is born, what rights would he have? Not 100% sure because we're not there yet. But if we are able to confirm that it's his, then we could obviously go to court for some sort of custody.

How long ago does she block him? That was about a month ago, I want to say, three weeks. A month ago. Okay. A month ago. Well, and since then, what attempts has your brother made if any to reconnect? Nothing, really. We tried in the beginning and obviously we're blocked. So there's not much. Do you even know if she's still pregnant? Right. Yeah. Well, we, yeah, we don't, she very well might not be still pregnant. We

don't know. Unfortunately, I think it's this kind of a wait and see thing. Yeah. Well, we don't, she very well might not be still pregnant. We don't know. Unfortunately, I think it's this kind of a wait and see thing. Yeah. Which is not, you know, not a great plan, but we all know that obviously women can still get pregnant if a man didn't actually climax. They had unprotected sex. It only takes one. And while he may not have climaxed, it's definitely possible. Yeah. That she's pregnant. When you said you heard rumors that she had been hooking up with other people.

It was sort of a thing in their relationship. There was one time where she got a couple texts from somebody else, and then the timelines are just not adding up. So she seems very sure, but we're sort of wondering if since they were broken up, if there was someone else or not. What do you guys know about her support system, her family, her friends? It's not great from what we know. I mean her parents according to her are supportive, but from what... Do you know if they come from money? They don't. I think maybe the fact that she blocked you a

month ago, blocked you guys a month ago and you haven't heard anything is maybe a good sign. Right. That's true. You're describing a an unhinged person. She I mean she accused you guys of incest. That's pretty crazy. And then for her to block you, it's not crazy to block someone and not hear from them, right? So she went from being completely crazy to almost not. Right, yeah. And the only thing that maybe, yeah, she could have easily lost it in a miscarriage. Right.

She may have chosen not to keep it. And the fact that she hasn't reached out at all tells me I think that's a good sign for your brother right yeah because like you don't go from hey I'm pregnant you're the father let's get together cry about it the next day accusing him of being a deadbeat dad accusing him of not doing enough then like I wish I would have never included you because why because he wasn wasn't, that doesn't really add up. Then she blocks, blocking everyone is almost like kind of to me in this situation wishing that like

she really wants no one to like pay attention to what she's doing. Right. You know? Which like what is she hiding kind of thing, right? Maybe hiding something, you know? And maybe the hiding is this like the embarrassment of, you know, something, it seems like something's changed.

I don't know, this is all speculation. And obviously if I'm your brother, it'd be very difficult to just let it go and ignore it. I think all you guys can do, specifically your brother, is just say, hey listen, this is not ideal. Your brother knows what he'd be willing to do if he was given the opportunity to be by her side.

He would be there, which is good because that would be a responsibility he should fulfill. He needs to respect her boundary, I guess, at this point. You know, obviously, you know, being a new dad, you know, there were certainly enjoyable moments as a new dad while Nellie was pregnant. Most of that enjoyment came from me supporting my partner, right? But, you know, obviously it was very cool to feel River kick and things like that, but there's not a ton of excitement for the dad

while mom's pregnant, so to speak, right? So it's not to say that he wouldn't be missing out, but I think he doesn't have to, you know, make himself feel worse by saying, oh, well, I can't be there, and you know, I'm really missing out. It's like, I don't know, well, I can't be there. You know, I'm really missing out. It's like, I don't know, objectively, I don't know how much he is missing out.

So I know this is easier said than done, but like, I think maybe he just tells himself, listen, I don't know what she is. There's a good chance I'm not the father. There's a good chance she's no longer pregnant. But if I'm wrong and she is pregnant and I end up being the father, once she has this baby, you guys will

figure it out. You'll find out. You'll know. Right? You might all be blocked. Is there an account private? Yeah, it is. Okay. And do you guys have any mutuals? Yeah, we like went to elementary school together so they have like lots of mutual friends. Yeah, and you could probably create an account pretending to be someone else. Exactly. You could pretend to be a hot guy or whatever who follows her. And then she approves. You can, you know, I don't know, you could honestly like, Yeah.

you could just to figure it out. So my point is you'll find out if she is in fact pregnant, you know, sooner than later, because she's posting her life and then clearly nothing shows up. She's probably not pregnant. Obviously, if her body changes, you'll know that she is. And then when she has the baby, if she has the baby, you know, there's a good chance that this child will strongly resemble the father.

I think a lot of first-borns tend to look like dad for biological purposes, it seems like, but who knows? If there is some resemblance, then you guys will be more motivated to you know exercise whatever rights that you have to take a paternity test so that your brother could be a father to his child but other than that I guess this is kind of wait and see. Yeah at this point there's not much we can do obviously we feel like yeah if she's blocked us we don't want to like do anything extreme to reach out we're just sort of figuring out how to mentally process.

Your brother's 24? Yeah. Listen, obviously not an ideal situation, but there's definitely a possibility for a silver lining. Yeah. If your brother kind of approaches the next nine months as I might be a father, and if he takes that seriously, there's a good chance that he's going to hopefully make healthy decisions that he's investing in himself.

And it's just like, hey, I might be a father in nine months. Like what would someone do if they're gonna be a father nine months? Maybe he will set himself up for the future, whatever it is, right? He can just like kind of stay focused at work, make sure that he's making healthy decisions for himself. And yeah, I don't know.

Maybe he doesn't need a date all that much in the next nine months. He's only 24. Yeah. You know, cause that's kind of a weird conversation. Hey, by the way, third date, I may or may not be a father. I don't know.

It's a crazy story. Certainly comes, you know, for the next nine months, at least he's got some baggage and that baggage is I might be a father. Right. But like I said, I might be a father. Right. But like I said, if she's still not pregnant, and I wouldn't be shocked if that's the case. You will find out sooner than later.

Yeah, she's not a big poster. So I don't know if we'll see anything beforehand, but you never know. Are you guys like in the same town? Like you guys, you do have some mutual friends? Yes. Yeah. And have you talked to these mutual friends? Um, I haven't, like, I don't live in the town where they live. They live in like the town we grew up in.

Um, but from what I have heard, he hasn't heard much from anyone. Um, I don't, they don't have like close mutual friends, but they have friends that like run in the same circles. So no one's told him anything, but they have friends that like run in the same circles. So no one's told him anything, but it's very possible they're keeping it a secret for her from her as well. So my gut tells me she's not pregnant anymore. Yeah, I could very well see that considering how hard she was on him in the beginning to

just block and ghost essentially seems very odd. And how did your brother say he reacted in real time to this episode? Um, from the way he told it to me was that he was trying to calm her down, that he was trying to, I mean, they ended up at the end of that night, sort of calmed down, so it seems like he stayed there until she was in a better headspace. He like drove her somewhere, dropped her off. Everything seemed like it had sort of patched up at the end of the night. And then he was shocked to get the, I wish I never involved you, I'm blocking you message. I think there's like a 80% chance either isn't pregnant or he's not the father.

Yeah, that's what we're thinking as well. And we like going back to earlier, like she doesn't have as strong of a support system as he does, like he has a good job, a well-paying job, good parents that we have, we're well off enough, like good support system emotionally. So that's what I'm saying. It's just like assuming your brother didn't say or do anything that made her not want your brother around or exactly.

Then she would have eventually calm down and and probably thought, why, why am I throwing away this help? Exactly. You know, something's not ending up there. You know, I don't know. Other than that, I think just be there for your brother. I think it's kind of like we've done everything we can at this point. You guys even reached out to a lawyer, you know, maybe try to check in, you know, I think

maybe he could talk to whatever mutual friends you have and just say, Hey, like, you know, if she, have you heard anything like this? Like that means that like she either, she hasn't told anyone about this. So like she's pregnant and no one knows I don't know right I think from what I know she's pregnant and her close friends know but I don't know if she's like going around like bragging around town especially what do you mean by that you what do you so what have you heard um well from what my brother told me he was saying things like oh well my best friend told her this, like

her best friend also has a child. So was giving her advice. She had told my brother to reach out to this friend, you know, to get advice on being a new father. This is before he got blocked. Yeah. So it seems like her like best friend who also has a kid is aware, but yeah, considering the circumstances where. Yeah, I don't doubt that she took a pregnancy test and found out she was pregnant. Yes, yeah. But other than that, you're not aware of any other conversations with any people in her community

that verifies that she's still pregnant? Correct. Yeah. I find that hard to believe. Yeah. Keep us posted, please. Of course I will. Yeah. And I think you guys can just keep an eye on her, so to speak, from afar.

Yeah, that's a good idea. We should be paying attention. If your brother has access to her friends or these people, like, yeah, I mean, if I'm, if nothing else, your brother should reach out to this friend or these people. Like, yeah, I mean, if nothing else, your brother should reach out to this friend and be like, hey, last time I heard from her, she told me I was the father, then blocked me, and then said she wished she didn't include me.

So to be honest, like, I was surprised to find out that I was the father because I never climaxed. I know it's still possible she could have gotten pregnant, but like, I just wanna know if I'm gonna be a dad in eight months. And like, have you heard anything? Did she change her mind? Did something happen? Did she lose the baby? Like someone's got to know something. Right, yeah. You know? And if no one knows anything, then... That's even weirder, yeah. Well, it just means either she decided not to keep it or lost

the baby and decided to stop telling people, You know, maybe she might have freaked out and said, I can't do this. What am I doing? We're not together. Ah, da, da, you know. And maybe some, you know, maybe she decided not to keep it and then decided, you know what? I'm not gonna tell a lot of people about this

because if, you know, if she decided not to keep it, I imagine it would be a very emotional and challenging experience for her. And maybe she doesn't wanna talk about it. Maybe she's not comfortable with that, you know, which would be completely understandable. But if she is pregnant, you know, someone and she's already told the best friend, it seems like someone would know. Your brother afraid to have sex again? Yeah, very much. Yes, very much. So why did she ask him not to wear a condom? That is what she told him she wanted.

That's how she likes it, apparently. She assured him that if something were to happen, she would get an abortion. Obviously, he absolutely should have set that boundary and should never have been doing that. But I understand like, even if it's for a friend, but... That's also just like, your brother needs to understand that like that's a promise someone might not be able to keep. Exactly, yeah. Yeah, how do you know until you're in this situation?

She has the right to change her mind. She has the right to not, to have a very different, that's something you say in the heat of the moment just to get what you want, but you're not right. Because you're thinking it will never happen. You know? Also, by the way, that shouldn't like put your brother at ease. It's like, oh, well, you'll get an abortion as if like,

exactly, whatever you think about abortion, like, it's a very emotional. It's, it's, it's not a nothing thing. Exactly. It wouldn't until you're in the moment, how you would actually feel about it. I don't know a lot of people who have had had them. But the people I do know who have had had them, but the people I do know who have had them, it was an emotional time for them. It was a challenge. It was a lot. So next time, your brother should, maybe this is a lesson for him to have empathy around

that. And if someone in the future says, well, I'll just have an abortion, that shouldn't put his mind at ease. We all know condoms aren't super fun, but this is a lot less fun. Getting pregnant with a complete stranger. Also, there's STDs out there. Please just keep us posted, really. Sorry, I couldn't be more help other than,

just my honest, my real advice is just to just be there for your brother. Yeah. You know, he needs to be able to live his life. The worst thing is he's just like for the next eight months, he's like in this emotional purgatory wondering if he's going to be a dad. So he needs to let it go. And honestly, like you should you should almost be like, listen, I will I will do some digging.

I will keep an eye on her. Go live your life. Yeah, okay. You know, what a doozy. It's stressful. That incest comment is. It's crazy, yeah. It's absolutely insane.

Yeah, my gut tells me he's not gonna be the father. Well, thank you for the call. Please, please, please keep us posted. Yes, thank you. Yes, I will, I promise. All right, all right, take care. All right, bye. All right, bye bye.

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the discount will be automatically applied at checkout. That's article.com slash viall for $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more. How's it going? Hi, I'm Holly, age 36. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. How can we help Holly? I have been dating a guy for four months and he wants to go back on the dating apps to sell insurance. Right.

When did he approach you with his proposition? He told me about going back on the apps about a month ago. How did he have that conversation with you? Yeah, that's kind of exactly how it went. We had kind of hit that like three months honeymoon phase is over kind of mark. Like what are we doing here? And that was when he approached me with an incentive that he got from his boss to if he sells a certain number of insurance policies, as he's an insurance salesman, that she would

offer a bonus and in order to network he wanted to go back on the dating apps to meet girls to sell them insurance policies. What kind of insurance does he sell? He's a property and casualty agent and life and health as well so it's personal auto and life and health is what he's selling. And is that the only way to sell insurance? Evidently so. Evidently there is no other way to make commission through insurance except to- I mean, obviously this is ridiculous.

So why are you even entertaining? Yeah, that's my question is why am I even entertaining this? The gaslighting here- No, but I'm asking you. Yeah, I'm asking you. The gaslighting here is unreal. I know I'm being gaslit for sure. Okay.

Because the way that he explains it, he like makes it sound so believable that like he knows that people have done this before and he knows it works. And his reference is his boss. His boss is the one who gave the staff this idea because that is what she did. And that's how she got

started and now she owns her own office. So she said that. Well, let's assume that's all true. She's a woman and men are more gullible than women. And so it is more believable that a woman would go on dating apps and have some kind of success, maybe selling insurance. How attractive is this boss? Yeah, I mean, maybe selling insurance. How attractive is his boss? Yeah, I mean, she's pretty, yeah. She is? Okay, yeah.

So it's still unbelievable, but like even if that is believable, he's not her. And I think most of them would find it really creepy to be sold in anything on a dating app. But regardless of what his boss suggested, like you're not required to say yes to this. So back to my original question, why are you even entertaining this?

Like why are you entertaining something crazy? If you know you're being gas lit, then you're kind of not being gas lit. You know? It's like, why are you entertaining it? I think a lot of it is that like, okay, I'm in my mid thirties now, right? So like the clock is ticking, finding people is really hard.

And this has been like the first potential suitor and I'm gonna be real like years, right? And up until a month ago, when we had this conversation, it seemed like everything was going really well. And even since, since we've had this conversation, nothing has really changed, except now he's back on the dating apps. So he is on the dating apps.

Uh-huh, he matched with my roommate a couple of days ago. Gotcha. Well, you have to acknowledge that when you say nothing's changed, part of the reason why nothing's changed is because you've gone along with this. Right. Yeah, I'm allowing it. So listen, like I get it.

I understand you're in a dating slump. I understand, you know, being a 38 year old woman, you have things that consider that men don't in terms of their biological clock. Nevertheless, you're not gonna get to where you wanna go by accepting less than you know you deserve. You're not gonna get people to respect your boundaries by not enforcing your boundaries.

If you're not comfortable with your boyfriend being on dating apps, for whatever reason, you have a right to say so. Three months isn't a great deal of time. And I understand that you had a nice little honeymoon phase, but maybe you need to readjust the type of men you're investing in. You can clearly get a boyfriend. So you not getting a boyfriend

is a choice that you're making, which is fine. You have higher standards, you're not gonna date boyfriend is a choice that you're making, which is fine. You have higher standards, you're not going to date anyone. I understand that, but you're not single because no one will date you. Do you believe that? I know it's true. I don't know if you believe that, but now I'm not saying you can get anyone you want because no one can, but you know what I'm saying?

So you're not going to get to where you wanna go by accepting this type of behavior and then making concessions. You barely know anything about this guy. So whatever you know about this guy is either based off of his, you know, physical appearance, how he is in bed, and what he has decided to show you.

And two of those things is physical appearance and how he is in bed. I'm assuming you guys are sleeping together. Correct, yeah. Yeah, so obviously those are, you know, you have eyes so you can see how he looks and, you know, you can decide pretty quickly if you enjoy being intimate with someone.

Sounds like I'm guessing you do enjoy it. Right. Right. Which can be very, uh, especially to women, just from a biological standpoint, from what, you know, I'm not a doctor, but from what I understand is that like sex can be very confusing for both parties, but especially women because, you know, chemically it affects women generally different than, than men. And so it can make you emotionally attached to people that quite frankly, you know, nothing about. You know, and since you're emotionally connected to this person via sex, it's harder for you to enforce your boundaries.

Nevertheless, you still have to learn to do that because like the fact that he's been on the dating apps for a month and you can say nothing's really changed is kind of nuts. When I say like nothing has changed is kind of nuts. When I say like nothing has changed, I mean like the day to day. Right. So like we still. That's what I mean. Yeah. But, but you're going along with it. You know what I'm saying?

You are, you are choosing to allow this to happen. You know, but like you're not willing to say no, because you're not willing to lose him. Yeah. And the fact that he is setting this press, I mean, this is a crazy thing. He's getting away with if I'm him, I think I can get away with pretty much anything at this point. Yeah. Right.

Cause I'm allowing it. Correct. Yeah. Again, I understand. Um, you haven't liked someone in a while and I understand your 38, but that's still not a reason to allow this type of behavior or to make these types of choices for yourself. You know,

I think what makes it confusing for me is that like, when we discussed this a couple of days ago, because like I said, he popped up as a match for my roommate. Um, and she was like, Hey, let me just like, what do you think I should do? Should I like swipe back? Should I like, like his photo just to kind of get, get it started. Um, she was like, let's just kind of mess with them and see if he doesn't recognize me, right. And if we can get him to meet up, but he recognized her immediately.

And like, literally as she was telling me this, like I was walking off the door to go see him. Um, and he brought it up like pretty much immediately with me like arriving to see him. And the way he explains it like makes me just frankly like so confused because he was like I hate that this is called a dating app because that's not what I'm using it for. He's like, I don't, yeah. It's just, and again, like you shouldn't be entertaining this. You are.

It's just like, listen, it is called a dating app. One it's just creepy. It's creepy to be on there soliciting his business when women are, or people are going on there with the expectations of meeting people serious about dating. So he is matching with people under false pretenses or lying to you. One of the two, both are weird. Um, there are other ways for him to network. He's not in the friend one, right?

What is, what does his dating bio say? Friends. Like it can tell you like what you're looking for. Um, it says friends. Okay. Yeah. That doesn't mean anything. That just means he's a little smart.. Um, it says friends. Okay. Yeah. That doesn't mean anything. That just means he's a little smart.

He made his clever. What are the pictures on his account? You know, what's funny is there pictures that like of us together, the where I'm cropped out. You're cropped out. Listen, I get my point, Stans. Like you can't, you, you know, you're trying to reason with insanity, you know,

and you're not going to get what you want from this guy by debating or discussing this. Cause even if he is being legit with you, it's still crazy behavior and you don't have to put up with it. And you are, I think that's like what I needed is like reality tech and some like tough love that like, no, you're not crazy for thinking that this is crazy. Because like I said, the way that he explains it to me, it's like, it's so unbelievable that it sounds believable. This is not the type of behavior someone who's seriously excited about a future with someone would do because they would understand and empathize

with your position position the emotional distress that'd be putting you through. And he is either not giving a shit about how this is affecting you, what he's asking you to accept or put up with. I don't care what you guys have said to each other in terms of I feel like I've known you forever, but you guys do not have the type of rapport

to give him that type of trust. And he's asking you to trust something that's truly unbelievable. And this is not going to make or break his, his, his business. There's plenty of ways to network. Oh, and then that's what he posted me is like, what else should I try? Like what else do it? He says he's done that, but it can't be linked to his, his boss's business. That has to be just him.

Like he had an excuse for that when I asked him, what about LinkedIn or what about Reddit? And he was like, well, it can't be tied to my boss's business. It has to be just me. What does that mean? I don't know. I don't know either.

It doesn't matter. I don't know what that means. Again, I don't think you should reason with this guy. I think you should be like, listen, I want you should be like, listen, like, I don't, I want you to be successful, but if you're asking me to be okay with you're on dating apps, then I don't wanna be in a relationship. That's it, it's that simple. I really don't care what the reason is.

There's other ways to do your job. You can say what you want about me, but like I'm just not comfortable with my boyfriend being on dating apps. Like you're mat, you're literally matching with my friends. My friends see you on there. Like you're literally matching with my friends. My friends see you on there. Like I'm just not doing this,

but you have to be willing to walk away. Yeah, and that's like probably what would happen because I don't think that he would stop, which is like, that's like the hard part about it is like, I feel like it's like high risk. Like why, what is so different about this guy that, you know, when you say he's the first person I like and so long Yeah, what makes them so what makes them? What would you like about him?

Right like up until a few months ago. It's like the trajectory was really good like it was heading towards What was good though, but that's what I'm saying what you said? Oh, well part of the problem is is the first person I've liked in a really long time. And again, I'm just looking at you. I don't have to know anything to know that, like if you, this is not about you can't find a boyfriend. Maybe you are going after people who aren't good partners for you.

Maybe you're picky in areas that you could be less picky and maybe you're not picky enough in areas that you could be less picky and maybe you're not picky enough in areas where you should be more picky. Maybe you're chasing a spark that, you know, 22-year-old you is looking for, but maybe 38-year-old you who again is, you know, cognizant of her age and has certain goals, like maybe you're chasing the wrong thing. Maybe you haven't adjusted how you're pursuing men since you've been 21. I don't know. But I think those are better questions to ask yourself and I think that's a better place

to spend your energy than trying to debate with this guy about why he should be on a dating app while he's calling you his girlfriend. So that's the thing is like it was never, there was never a label, right? It was. Whatever. I don't get it. was never a label, right? It was. I don't care, whatever. I don't care. You get some analytics, but you get my point, right? Like, you know, you're investing in this guy

and the fact that you don't have a label is even more of a red flag, crazy behavior. But my point stands is you are allowing this to go on because you're unwilling to set a boundary and you're unwilling to enforce it more specifically because enforcing it means you'd probably have to walk away and you don't seem to be willing to do that. The fact that you're not willing to do that tells me a lot about your dating decisions. No, I think you're right. I think that that's fair to say. Maybe I'm

pursuing those that shouldn't be pursued, that aren't available. So what did you like about this guy? I felt like he was interested in me, which I haven't felt in a while. So that made me feel special. You haven't found anyone interested in you, period? Not like I'm mutually, I guess. Okay, so that's the big thing.

And I think it's important. So you're saying you haven't felt someone who you were interested in also is interested in you. Right. But there have been other men interested in you, correct? Not to the extent of this one. Like this one, it was like, we're talking every day, we're like going on trips together, we're spending weekends together. Like, he'd like, But why are you talking every day and taking trips with someone you've only known for a couple months? And why is that your barometer? I guess that was how I felt like he was interested in me because he was really like pursuing me.

I guess I just find it hard to believe that you're not known. Like there's no way no men are interested in you. I think it's more the men that you're interested in aren't interested in you, which is I feel like a common thing for most people out there. But I am curious about the type of men you're interested in aren't interested in you, which is I feel like a common thing for most people out there. But I am curious about the type of men you're interested in. What's your type? Tall, dark, and handsome. Okay.

I mean, I know you're saying you're like, I find it really hard to believe that you haven't found a boyfriend, but like, yeah, no, I haven't. I've been trying to find somebody for, I feel like years at this point, someone who, like I said where it's like a real mutual connection which I haven't been able to

find up until right now and I hear you when it's like it's not this guy he wouldn't be on the dating apps if he was interested in pursuing just you before this guy like this like how often you talking with men before you go on a date like are you having a problem matching with people or is it like, at what point do things seem to like not go your way? Usually after the first date, like honestly, that's been the trajectory with probably the last like five or six where, you know, like I, we meet up on a first date and I feel like it's cool.

It's great. Like I'd love to see you again. And I get hit with a, I don't feel a romantic connection. I feel like it's cool, it's great. Like I'd love to see you again and I get hit with a, I don't feel a romantic connection, I don't feel a spark. And there's been a lot of first dates recently. Okay, all right. Are you hooking up with any of these guys on a first date? No.

Okay, and how many of the first dates have you gone on recently where you feel like you want to go on a second date? I mean, most of the time it's most of them, where I would like to see them again, but then they don't feel the same way. Until this one, where he was really pursuing me. The fact that you're telling me that most of the first dates you go on,

you're interested in a second date, tells me that you are not on first dates focusing on getting to know these people and you are the energy you're most likely putting out is hope is trying to get these people to like you. And if that's the case, then you're probably a not being yourself and be, you know, kind of giving a bit of a needy desperate vibe. And I get it. Like, you know, if you get rejected, it can get in your head, your ego kind of, a bit of a needy, desperate vibe. And I get it, like, you know, if you get rejected,

it can get in your head, your ego kind of, ugh, you know? But I guess my point is, there's not that many great guys out there that if you were really focused on asking yourself, am I interested in this person? Am I learning about this person on a first date? Are you spending a lot of time asking them questions and seeing if they answer or are

you doing most of the talking on first dates? Most of the men that I've went out with recently have said that like, I'm really good at making them feel comfortable. So I guess to answer your question is like, yeah, it's like I'm attracting men who are typically a little bit more shy and reserved and need some help getting out of their shell. And like, I'm good at making them feel like that's not that's that's not your job on a first date you know and I don't know if men are looking to feel comfortable on a first date I think men I think men want to feel excited just like women want to feel know, I think men like a challenge, you know, I think they

want, I think men want to wonder if you like them. And then the first date, you're, you're making it very clear how you feel about them without even getting to know them. And there's a little bit of like not, not being enough of a challenge. Right. Like maybe that's why like I could potentially be falling into a friend zone, right? It's because I'm looking a little bit too eager. Yeah. And again, it's not your job to make men feel comfortable on the first date.

I mean, you don't want to make them uncomfortable. It's not like, I'm not saying go show up and tease them or be rude or, I don't know. But it's not your job to make sure that they're okay. You're dating adult men. They should be able to handle themselves. I guess that's my point. It's your job to learn as much as you can

and decide after the date how you feel. Stop trying to get a second date before the first date ends. Go on a first date, be present, find out what do you wanna learn, ask more questions. Your job is to learn about them. It is an interview, you're interviewing them. And if they wanna get to know you, they'll ask you questions. Your job is to learn about them. It is an interview. You're interviewing them. And if they want to get to know you, they'll ask you questions.

You know, you don't have to be a mute. You can make small talk, but when it comes to like, you know, getting to know them, you should try to get to know them. But I think you should keep your cards closer to the vest in terms of making it clear how you feel about them, especially on their first date. Partly right now, you've been unlucky on first dates that you're just trying to get a second date. You don't even care with who.

You know? What's that energy? I think it's like, you know, when like we're talking on the apps and the conversation is flowing really well and it seems like there's potential and that like, oh, we're going to meet face to face and it's going to go really well, right? Because that's like how it is in conversation over text. It's going really well. And then we meet face to face and then, and then it doesn't go well, right? It doesn't go the way that I thought that it would. Well, first of all, you shouldn't go into a first date with much expectations, right?

So you're, you're, you're talking to strangers online via text. And then at some point you agree to a first date, you don't know these people. So the fact that you're going in with an expectation of how you think it's going to go is a bit silly, right? You should just go in like, basically the mindset is he's done enough to get me to agree to go out with him and meet him in person. That's it.

You know, that's not even an expectation. That's just like a fact. And then you're like, all right, I'm going to go on this dates. Well, you know, we've had some small talk on text, who knows? Obviously I'm interested in his pictures, but I guess let's see how tonight goes. Let's see. It's kind of like, is the attitude you should have.

And you should be easy to get to know. So if he wants to get to know you, you should be willing to answer his questions, within reason. And you should come asking him questions. You mentioned you do what so-and-so for work. What made you get into that? Oh, do you like it?

Do you think you'll stay in it for a while? What else do you do? And you figure out if you have some common ground. What TV shows? What are you into? I don't know. The fact that you have a common theme of men saying you make them feel safe and secure is like, I'm guessing pretty early on,

you weirdly let them know that you're kind of like, into them, you know? And that puts them in a position of power and control. And now they have to no longer be nervous about, does this girl like me? And there's a benefit to those kind of nerves that you have. It keeps you on your toes a little bit. People like a challenge and you're not presenting enough of a challenge. And ask your friends, but do your pictures you have in your dating app accurately portray what you look like in person? Yeah.

Ask your friends and verify that. I'm not saying they don't, but just make sure. There are some of just me, there are some with friends, there are some, there's full body photos, right? So like you do get like an accurate depiction of what I look like. Great, and as long as you think it's updated and accurate, you know, it's just like, you don't wanna, the only other argument, you know, the only other possibility is like,

you have three or five pictures that don't really, and then they meet you in person, and they're like, yeah, you don't look like your photos, which for anyone would be like, wait, what else are you hiding? So assuming that's not the case, then there's a reason why you're striking out on the first date, and I think it a lot has to do with the energy you're bringing on the date

and the need for validation. The number one reason that you said why you like this guy so much is just because of how he feels about you, not how he treated you. And him liking you made you feel good. Which is a human thing, but it shouldn't be enough to- Make you stay.

Or commit. I think you're right on all fronts that yes, on the first date, in the situation with this guy where it's like I'm making it too easy, where it's like they know that they've already locked me in because I'm giving that vibe off, right? That I already like you, so they don't really have to do any work anymore,

which is exactly what he's doing. And most people are just kind of like, oh, well, why do you like me so much? That's kind of weird. It's like, it's, it seems that, you know, but I do think people, like people sense people's energy and you clearly give a, you're giving off a bit of a, a need for validation. No, I've heard, I agree with that. I do. It's like, I, I, I really want to find my person, right?

So it's like, I don't know, maybe I'm making that like too clear in the very beginning that, yeah, if I'm interested in you, like I don't, I think it's like I don't want you to wonder, right? I want you to know like where I'm at and how I'm feeling and if I like the vibe and I want to continue to get to know you, I like, I guess I don't have a problem with like expressing that so that way

you don't have a question of where I'm at. Yeah, and that's great, and I want you to maintain that, but you are expressing that without any information. You're not learning enough about these guys for you to be expressing that. Right, because it is just a first date, right? And again, you should wait till the date's over before you evaluate it, within reason.

But right now, since you are someone who is, sounds like, on every first date you have, before the first date ends, you let them know that you want a second date, and it's, I'm guessing, much earlier than that, you give off the energy that you're all in, you need to stop that. You know?

It's more of a chase, right? Yeah, I mean, if you were someone who, like, typically doesn't do that and then you know You got swept off your feet on a first date and you you know, you showed a little enthusiasm fine But these men shouldn't have the opportunity to reject you while you're on the first date Yeah, I mean, I haven't looked at it like this before. I would love for them to wonder How you feel about them? Right and and that alone Will make you more attractive than,

think about, they mean just the way you answer your question. And, you know, for the same reason why you have gotten into this rut is that like you haven't gotten the validation you needed and now you're focused on getting validation and it's made you like a bunch of men that you might not otherwise like. I'm liking them just because they like, I feel like they like me. Yeah, now you don't want a guy to like you

just because you don't like them, but you need to take some of your power back and you're clearly giving way too much too early on on first dates. When was the last time you took a break from dating? It's probably been a while. Okay, take a break. I think you need to take a break.

Even if it's for a couple weeks, maybe a month, right? Like, first of all, you need to figure out this guy, but I hope you take my take a break. Even if it's for a couple of weeks, maybe a month, right? Like, first of all, you need to like figure out this guy, but I think, I hope you take my advice and just say, I'm just, I'm not okay with this. So either you figure out another way to meet your number or like, I honestly just, I don't think we should hang out anymore. And that was kind of like the last conversation

was a little bit of me like putting my foot down when we spoke a couple of days ago, Because like I said, he brought it up that my roommate had like matched with him. I told him that like, I wish you could understand like how this looks to me that like people don't go on a dating app to network their business, they go on looking to fuck around and find out or it's like, Hey, I'm looking for something serious, but not looking to rush into anything. They don't go into it with, I'm trying to sell business, right? They go into it looking for a partner, whatever that may mean to you.

They're looking for something romantic or something physical. And I was like, I wish you could just see how this looks to me and how like stupid and foolish I look that like you tell me that you want to just be friends and then you hop right back on a dating app. Like I wish you could see how stupid that makes me and like how disrespectful it is to me honestly. And his response to that was that he's being very selfish and he's tried to express that to me.

And this is a perfect example of it, of he's about him. He's about his health and his business right now. And getting back on these apps, knowing that where I'm at is a risk he's willing to take. Because he knows you've put up with it already. Yeah, just stop putting up with this. So instead of saying, well, I wish you could see my point of view, you don't know. Just be like, the fact that wish you could see my point of view, you don't know.

It's be like the fact that you can't see my point of view tells me everything I need to know about how serious you are about this or me. And it's a bummer because I was definitely really excited about you. But like, I don't know, I'm just not into this. I'm 38 years old. I don't have fucking time to waste on this type of on these games. So like, you know, it's been fun. And you gotta talk like that. You gotta talk like this is stupid and it's beneath you.

Like the, I wish you could see my side is you pleading with him and begging him. That's, you know, that's you saying you're, that's, it gives child. And I don't mean that like, I'm trying not to be mean. It's like a parent-child relationship please mom please dad can you understand please let please you know you're begging and he has all the power and so the reason why he's willing to

take that risk is because he feels very much in control of this relationship right that I'm not going to walk away and all he has to do is and the only thing he has to do is kind of put up with having to have these conversations on a somewhat regular basis. So stop begging, stop asking and just tell him exactly how you feel and what you're not or what you are willing to put up with and then follow through. And then assuming you actually walk away and I would strongly, I just don't think regardless of can you really trust that he's off these apps?

I don't fucking know. I just, the fact that he is so willing to ask you to do this tells me everything you need to know about this guy. And the fact that you liked him mostly solely based off of the affection he showed you means that maybe he's just the type of guy who's really, that's what works for him. He's good at the love bombing aspect, but it's just like he comes out of the gates fast, he gets you locked in with a lot of affection,

and then two or three months later, he starts pulling out these weird behaviors. I'd be willing to bet a large sum of money that if you ran into ex-girlfriends of his, they would have a similar story to tell about how he came out of the gates early, strong, hot and heavy, and then once things got a little comfortable, he started pulling some shit. Yeah, I would be curious. Well, no, I mean, I don't want you to be curious. I don't want you. Just assume that's the case. I don't need you tracking down his exes. But let's assume that you move on for this guy.

The fact that you haven't taken a break in a while as I think you need to take a break. And I think you need to focus on yourself a little bit, whatever that means to you, hang out with the girls, take a vacation, get into investing yourself a little bit, focus on you a little bit, at least take a couple weeks off,

delete the apps for a while, maybe a month or two, get back out there with a better game plan of how you wanna approach first dates. Because right now you're just kind of spiraling. You're just, use a sports analogy, when someone's in a slump, especially a baseball, sometimes the manager just has them sit a few games.

Just reset, you know, get out of your head. Because right now you're just fucking, you're taking on water, so to speak. And you're way too reactive on dates. You're reacting to the situation. You're not in control of the situation. And that's just because you just, you're probably just, you're feeling a little too rejected,

a little too often. And right now you're just trying to avoid the rejection. You're not trying to get the rejection. You're not trying to get to know these guys. I think like too like breeding too much into situations because like when I say like the day to day hasn't really changed like he still hits me up every day. He still wants to see me every weekend. We're still like planning trips together. So it's like I mean if I were you I wouldn't reach out to him. No I

don't reach out it's him coming to me. Great all right well next time he reaches out just say hey listen I'm not okay with this. So I've thought a lot about this I'm not here to discuss this or debate this but if you want to keep seeing me and you want to take this seriously I need you get it off to dating apps. If that's not something you're willing to do, then this is goodbye. That's it. And just like be firm with that because that's the hard part. It is, but again, you are 38, right? And if you know you stop using your

biological clock as an excuse if you're gonna be willing to waste your energy and time on men who clearly are showing you that they're not taking you seriously. You're using that as an excuse to put up with these guys and in fact what they are is showing you that they're wasting your time. So you're better off being open and available and single to meet someone who's willing to respect you and prioritize

you than to continue to invest in people who have already shown you that they're not. I just feel like, it's like what's hard for me is that besides the being on the dating apps, like it seemed like that's what he was doing. He was investing and pursuing and like. Yeah, but it's early though. It's like, again, people like some people just love to come

on hot and heavy. Some people start out strong. There's a lot of people out there, specifically guys who they like having girlfriends, right? They don't like being boyfriends, but they like having girlfriends. And then they want to have the security and consistency and comfort of having a girlfriend. So they, and they know what women like you like. They want to, they want that excitement,

the trips, the consistency of him reaching out. These, like you said, like some of these are like green flags, right? But again, once they feel like you're getting comfortable and enjoying the things that they're providing, that's when they start pulling out this weird behavior. Or they start like, you know, seeing what they can get away with. And the truth is like this type of behavior, he doesn't know you much either. So like, he shouldn't be liking you this strongly this

early because he doesn't get to know you. When people say, Oh, I really like you, it should make sense. It's like what my therapist says. She's like, you have to really think about like, if you allowing him access to you is hurting you or helping you in the long run. Right, yeah, clearly hurting you. I think what's hard for me to forget is that, yeah, he's on the apps, because he tells me that it's to solicit

and to make friends and he doesn't know how else to do that. Again, let's just assume he's telling the truth. Yeah. It's still, it's not something you need to put up with. Right. It's not something you have to accept. I'm just not interested, like I just, I'm not interested in that.

I need to have some self-respect and some value for myself that like to know that that's not acceptable if I'm somebody. Yeah, and like, and you don't need to even say that to him. I mean, you can say that to yourself, but like you just be like, this is stupid. I don't even know why I entertain this. And I don't. I don't know why I'm entertaining this. Yeah. So if he reaches out, don't answer and text him. You don't need to talk to him. Whatever you need to do to feel the most confident in order to enforce this boundary, do that.

Which would probably not corresponding with them not talking to them. Yeah. Like take the power back that like you don't get to. Well, I mean, if you have to go some so be it. But I think you standing up for yourself and you communicating that you're going to enforce this boundary is something you need to start practicing. Yeah. No, I agree. But you can do it over text. You don't have to see him again, right? You definitely do not have to see him again. I just like really have to

remember that like he's spoken his piece. This is his truth. He's on the dating apps. I mean, that's what I have to remember. I like, I really cannot think about, you know, the how it's been the last three months and the things that we have planned for the future. That is null and void when you tell me that you wanna just be friends and then hop right back on a dating app. Yes, and then I want you to take a break

from dating for a while. Build up some of that self-confidence, hang out with your girls, surround yourself with people who make you feel good about yourself. I'm being serious. Because right now now you're spending way too much energy on dating and you're going out with these people who are strangers and via the rejection you're feeling on first dates, it's making you feel less and less confident, you know? And that's part of the reason why you're allowing this type of behavior to go on. No, I think you're right. This is like what I needed to hear. I needed a little reality check and some tough love.

Well, so I'm here. Please keep us posted on what ends up happening. But you are very much in control of your dating life and you are acting like you're not and it's up to you to change it. So your love life is not the lost cause that you make it out to be. Well, thank you. And when you're ready to get back out there, take it slow. Yeah. And remember that a first date is about getting to know them and seeing if you're willing to waste more time to give them another opportunity to get to know you a little bit more and then stop asking for the second date on the first date.

Let them wonder how they feel, how you feel about them. Leave a little mystery. Yeah. Okay. All right. Well, thank you, Nick. Good luck out there. Thank you.

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I'm Michelle, I'm 34 and I broke up with my stoner boyfriend but now I'm wondering if I should have just gotten past that. Let's find out. When you say you're stoner boyfriend, how much is you smoking weed? Assuming he was transparent with me about it. When we first met, he like had like a vape pen, you know, and he had like a job where he could do it at work

and still like do his job. So to my knowledge, he was doing it like every day on his lunch break, I assume like in the morning when he woke up and then every day after work. Talk consistently. Did he go around life looking like he was always fucked up? No, he, I wouldn't have known really, unless he told me. Oh, okay. Well, that matters. Why does he smoke weed? Oh, okay. Well, that matters. Why does he smoke weed? I can't speak for him exactly, but from what he told me, like he's had, he's had like depression, anxiety, like trauma. He was like an ex military person. Like I think he's tried antidepressants.

He's tried other things to help with his depression and like those didn't work. He didn't like the side effects. And this was like the thing that he found that helped him deal with life and his depression is what he told me. So he said he was just bored. I think so, yeah, I mean, I guess I believed him, but. Now him saying part of it is he's just bored is a pretty honest answer. Yeah, and so like on our like third date,

he told me and I was like, okay, that's not really what I'm into. And I'm not sure if this is gonna work out. Why aren't you into it? And there's no wrong answer, I'm just honestly just asking questions. And what do you mean by not into it? Because I've dated people that this,

they've done it frequently before. And I think just having a partner who's a little buzzed all the time, not fully present bugs me. Do you feel like he's not fully present? I think so, I just like, I don't know, I wanted him to not be altered all the time and just be sober.

Because you felt like he was altered or based off the principle of it? It's like you just knew he was doing it and that just bothered you. Yeah, I think, yeah, just knowing he was doing it. But like you said, you might not have, you know, not that it would be okay that he would hide it from you, but if you had never known, you might not know.

Yeah, so he told me he was tapering it off. He quit for like two months because he said, I want you to know that it doesn't change my personality. I want you to see me like sober. So he did quit for two months, like cold turkey. So I got to see him without it, but then he slowly started doing it more and more again. So he did quit for two months, like cold turkey. So I got to see him without it. But then he slowly started doing it more and more again.

And then he started hiding it from me, which was like the main reason why we broke up. How long were you dating for? Like seven or eight months, like long enough for it to feel like pretty serious. And like, I could have seen a future with this person. What did you like about him? He was really kind. He was really patient. He was really outdoorsy

We would go camping and like snowboarding was a really good dog dad to my dog. It's just like a good human Do you miss him? Yeah, I mean especially it's a little bleak out here in the dating world and I don't know. I'm just like what if every other person I date is like not as good of a human as he is But doesn't smoke weed, you know Like yeah, good question. Yeah, the hiding it from me thing was like the what ended our relationship But I'm like, well if I hadn't told him it bugged me so much He wouldn't have been hiding it and then we well, it doesn't make it okay that you hit it But like when you say hit it how much was like was he just kind of trying to avoid doing it or frown to you?

Or was he flat out just lying to you? He would just avoid doing it around me. Okay, not quite the same then. Yeah, but... He was lying. I told him like, I'm okay with you doing it on the weekends, like if you could just not do it every day, like all day during work week. For sure. Like I could try to get over it and...

But he was doing it while I was at work because I worked late shifts and he was just doing it all day, which was not like the compromise that we agreed on. I smoke weed. I think people know that I've been trying to cut back drastically. I'm currently on a no weed, weed weekdays. Um, I am allowing myself to do on the weekend. I am not someone who's ever like abused substance and I like to be in control, but the reality is, is that I know, and I didn't start until I was an adult,

but I do suffer from anxiety. It's been a challenge. Again, I don't love that I'm on it, and I'm sure I would be willing to bet that he probably doesn't like that he's reliant on it either, I'm guessing. Right? Do you think that's fair?

It never seemed to bother him after I broke up with him over it. Now he's saying that he realizes he has a dependency on it and he's like trying to just quit because he, you know, it like he was happy with me and he wishes he hadn't let this like ruin our relationship. I don't know. At the time it seemed like he didn't care like that he was doing it all the time. So. And by the way, do you drink alcohol? Yes, how much? that oh my god, we thought about it all the time because I mean I

Didn't drink every day, but maybe like four or five times a week four or five times a week I damn well like a beer You know like once he started the whole like not smoking during the week, just on the weekends thing, I just started drinking on the weekends because I felt like that was like a fair compromise. So I've been drinking less, but we would fight about it a lot. It'd be like, well, what's the difference

between me smoking and you drinking? But I just, I didn't want to drink every day. Yeah, someone like me, I think there's a huge difference. And I think alcohol, I mean, it's not even a debate, the stats on how damaging alcohol can be. But yeah, there's a bit of hypocrisy coming from your end, a tad. I know.

But we also recognize that we have a culture, I am not super comfortable acknowledging my weed smoking because I know people listening, there's some opinions about it. And regardless of the facts about alcohol versus weed, is that we have a culture that not only accepts alcohol, but embraces alcohol. In fact, we have a culture that almost like,

if you don't drink alcohol, period, a lot of people find you weird. They're like, oh, you don't drink at all? Yuck, right? And then, but for people who might smoke weed, there's like this judgment of like, oh, you don't drink at all? Yuck, right? And then, but for people who might smoke weed, there's like this judgment of like, oh, you're some sort of drug. And I get it, like for most of my life,

I mean, honestly, it's still federally illegal to smoke marijuana. So like the facts are, is that you are ending a relationship with someone that you think is a good guy, that you have a good connection with, that someone you enjoy spending time with, mostly based off of what society has told you to feel about weed versus

alcohol. And when you put it like that, that seems a little silly. But I feel like if he did smoke or like did drink every day on his lunch break and then drank as soon as he got home and then drank before he went to bed, I think that would bug me too. Maybe so. Yeah, I don't doubt that. But like also his behavior might change too. And like you said is you wouldn't even notice. And also Natalie fucking hates that I smoke weed, hates. And at first she didn't. To be clear, if I took Edible she'd be fine with it. But that's me trying to cut down.

That's me being like, you know what? I'd rather just see if I could like taper down here. I don't want to be using it every day. I don't want to become reliant on it. I need to hold myself a little bit more accountable. That's a choice I'm making. My wife is challenging me to take better care of myself. You know? And so I think a couple can do that, right?

I think there's a difference between arguing over semantics about weed versus alcohol. And there's a difference between helping each other be the healthiest best versions of themselves versus telling him what they can't do or making your partner feel like they have to covertly use something that quite frankly might help them out. Yeah I guess I just like wish I could have been in his brain because I know something like he said it you know because he has such a tolerance to it like it's not like he's like blasted

You know, he's not like super high out of his mind. You're getting mad for all the long reasons from her Yeah, and listen, I I want to be clear that I'm not criticizing your You know not loving that he's so reliant on it But ending a relationship versus like being willing to work with him on this, especially he hasn't demonstrated any destructive behavior or he has, you know, you could almost argue that he's sadly a better version of himself, you know, maybe he's a little more calm,

maybe he's a lot less anxious. I am better in social settings when I'm a little, when I have my friend, you know, with me, right? When I don't, I can be more introverted. I can be, you know, a little socially awkward. It helps. It helps me. For the same reason why people drink when they're out, you know? He seems also willing to work with you. It's not like he's just like, listen, I don't, you're crazy. I'm right. You're wrong. I'm not going to stop. You can't tell me what he's not doing. That he has tried to show you he quit for two months. He got back on it.

But yeah, he's having a hard time letting it go. But I think you're going to get a lot further with him. Just, you know, reminding him of, of the fact that you would like to see him control it a little better than he has be willing to not be so black and white about it, especially since you drink on a pretty regular basis. Yeah, I just lost my shit whenever he was like lying about it because I was like, you know, it felt like we were working on it together until he just was like, I

guess in his brain, well she's still gonna be bothered by it so I'm just gonna do it and not tell her. Yeah, I mean, again, I don't, in this particular argument, I'm not defending it. It's not okay for him to do that. He also partly is like, I'm an adult, I don't need her permission to smoke weed, and it obviously bothers her.

So it's not healthy behavior. I'm not saying it's right that he was doing that. I think you were both making mistakes from where I stand. But you did end up breaking up with him for it. Yeah, because I was being paranoid and he was like at my house, like watching my dog until I got off work. And I like looked on my Rover camera

and he was on my porch doing it with my dog. And then he lied. I like asked him about it later and he lied about it. Oh, so he did lie. Yeah, and Okay. Brushed his teeth and washed his face so I wouldn't smell it on him and like and it was my weed too that he was He like smoked and then he like put it back in the bottom of the thing and so I wouldn't know

That he had done that so that was when I lost my shit about it I was like, okay Well, this you know isn't gonna get any better if you're just lying about it now. Relationships are hard, as I'm sure you know. And to make a relationship work over the course of time, it's really important you find someone that you respect as a person, that treats you well, that you have a lot of, you know, that you like their character, you have a lot in common, you enjoy each other's company, and nitpicking some small, slightly unhealthy habits might not be the hill to die on.

I think you have the right to say, hey listen, you obviously know I don't love the weed smoking. I would love for you to try to work on your reliance and have some kind of boundaries. But ultimately, you're an adult man, I'm not gonna tell you when you can and cannot smoke. Now keep in mind, like if he's smoking grass and it's smoke, you have the right to be like, that's just kind of like gross and you smell. And those are other things you can work through as a couple

to find that balance. You're right, it is tough out there to find good people. And it sounds like maybe you found one. And I would be willing to bet that his, his, his nasty little habit, you know, helps them out, you know, especially as a, a veteran might have some PTSD suffers from anxiety, you know, again, if he was medicating, you wouldn't have a problem with that. Yeah.

Where I'm at now is he is like begging me to work it out and he's not like calling and texting me as much because I told him to stop but like if tomorrow if I called him and I was like hey I've been thinking about it and I want to try to work it out like he would which is what's like so confusing. What's confusing? He likes you. But we like we fought about it so much. We're still gonna fight about it all the time. If you don't let it go for sure sure, yes. If you're not willing to change, then you shouldn't get it back together.

You need to let some of this go. You need to recognize a little bit of your hypocrisy. I'm not telling you to completely get over it, and I'm not saying that you have to not challenge him to, again, be a healthier version of himself, but I think you can do that without being a nag or someone who's like spying on him or like trying to catch him in the act you know or letting it like get to you over the principle of it because you see him smoking on your you know web whatever like let the man

live a little bit but yeah you can challenge him to reduce how much he is doing it and try to find the middle ground here. Because as someone who like, like him, developed a bit of a reliance, like, you know, I'm sure he wants to be a healthy version too. And I'm sure he can recognize it's like, you know, maybe I do do it too much. And I think he can do that. But yeah, if you're not going to change, you're not going to change your point of view at all. And you're going to like dig your heels in the ground and just say, Hey, it's the principle of it. It just bothers me and I don't know why. And there's nothing I can do about it. So I need you to change. And yeah, don't get back together.

I mean, he, he did change how much he was doing it, but he still thinks there's like nothing wrong with doing it like every night. I mean, I don't, I mean, like, listen, like marijuana does affect your brain. There's, there are side effects to it. There's nothing wrong with doing it every night. I mean, I don't. I mean, listen, marijuana does affect your brain. There are side effects to it. There's side effects to any type of medication. Give us, turn on the TV. Yeah. Hey, take this drug for this benefit

and then give us 30 seconds to list the nasty side effects you might experience. We're just gonna say it real fast, you kind of ignore it, but yes, there are consequences to everything. But yeah, I don't, I mean, it might make him sleep better. It might make him like, I don't know. Like the fact that you can say, I wouldn't, I might not even know he was doing it

if he didn't tell me. I think it's something you should think about. I know. What are you giving up? I mean, like you like this guy. You like the person he is. You miss him when you're not with him. I know, but I don't know.

I just, I didn't like the idea that seemed like he needed to be high to enjoy spending time with me. Like, it felt like he was a little grumpy. I mean, I don't know. Without it, you know. Sometimes I honestly feel like I have a broken brain. I'm very, very, very, very, very, very good at some things

and very, very, very, very, very, very bad at other things. And when the things I'm very bad at, it does feel like sometimes weed helps me be a little better at those things, especially in social situations. There's also a negative to it and it can be both. Again, it's a little, a little things, especially in social situations. There's also a negative to it, and it can be both. Again, it's a little out of sight out of mind. I wanna say the point again,

but if he was medicating every day and he just had to take one pill, but that one pill helped him in very similar ways that we does, would you want him to not take that pill? Because out of your own insecurities of him being able to enjoy you? And yeah, I mean, I imagine he would be grumpy if he's like, feels like he does benefit

from the effects of marijuana and then he can't enjoy those benefits and he might feel, it has not been fun for me for no weed weekdays, I'll be honest. Like the first couple days last week were not fun. I mean, I felt like I was going to explode. Yeah, I don't know, we would like go on a hike and he would usually had a summit joint and he was like grumpy

that he wasn't having a summit joint. We would go paddle boarding and he was like grumpy that he wanted to smoke a joint. Those are good times to have weed, I will say. Part of it is like, you know, no one wants to be mothered in a relationship. I know, yeah. What I think your guys' problem, both of you, is you haven't been able to strike that balance and it's become too competitive. And I don't think you approached this

with more of a team thing and are like, hey, listen, do you, you're an adult man, but you weren't challenging him to be a healthier version of himself. You were like, you were based off of mostly principles and society's point of view on weed, you decided that it bothered you and you decided to put your foot down and that felt to him, I'm guessing a little petty. And I would be grumpy too, if I was not able to enjoy what I wanted to enjoy because my girlfriend

has a particular point of view, mostly based off of office society, while we get done from the paddleboard and she cracks open a beer. Yeah. And I mean, I wasn't drinking as much. I was aware of the hypocrisy and I drink. You get my point.

Yeah. I think you've gotten in your head a little bit about what you think it means and yada, yada, yada. What I'm hearing is two good people met each other and you guys really like a very much, and again, are you talking pet peeves, non-negotiables, which I often do? You are making a big deal over what is a pet peeve,

but a non-negotiable would be like how he treats you, how he treats others, the type of person he is. It's like, yeah, you know, I would love my boy for not to smoke weed, but he is a great guy. He's enjoyable. I'll be like, I find him attractive. He's good around my family. He's good with your dog. Yada, yada. Like he's a good person and he likes me and I like him. And those are some good non-negotiables to have it just seemed like He wasn't trying other ways to like I was aware. He had mental health issues He was open about that, but like like what other way I mean, he's fine. Is he maybe he's not in therapy I'm in therapy. I'm therapy the fuck up. I still like we

Well, like he wasn't like sleeping enough he wasn't like eating healthy He wasn't like he's never tried to go to therapy or talk about his feelings or try to cope. Try to- And you can still do that, you can still challenge him to do that, but I don't know if it's like, I need you to go to therapy so you can stop smoking weed.

Maybe if you backed off on the weed stuff, you would get a little further with how he, granted, that being being said I will say no weed weekdays as I'm eating a lot less cereal at night. I would always like find a pint of Ben and Jerry's in the trash can and I was like some of these smoked here. Yeah so that's a valid that is a valid gripe that you can have you know again you can find the middle ground. Like Natalie very much does not like my weed smoking.

She is very much on a regular basis has challenged me to reduce it. I am not worried about my wife leaving me. I tried for months to like just deal with it, but I don't know, I just. Yeah, because you're very much set in your ways. You're having a hard time letting it go. But the main reason I ended it was,

I was being a little crazy. I like stalked his location and found my friends. And I was like, he went to a dispensary, that motherfucker. And like, he was like hiding it from me towards the end. But I understand why. Because you're checking his location. I know.

Because he was, I don't know, I felt in my gut like he was hiding it from me. You're both being wrong here, I guess is what I'm saying. I think you both could be handling this situation better, but from what I'm hearing, it seems like, yeah, you're maybe letting a good thing go. I promise you that if you don't get back together with this guy, you move on, you're starting someone else and your new boyfriend or guy you're hanging out with demonstrates like

some fuck boy behavior or doesn't treat you well or you know, it's kind of a dick to your friends, whatever you will wish that you were dating the weed smoker. I know. And like a lot of my friends, husbands do it a lot. And one of my friends is even like, yeah, I think he's like a better dad Sometimes because he's a little more patient and well like in a better mood and a lot of my friends It doesn't bother them that their husbands do it and I don't know why I couldn't get past it and like I tried for like Seven months and I just are you in therapy? No

Hi, why do you want him to go therapy? It's tough to challenge someone to go to therapy if you're not in therapy. Yeah, because he like has had like suicidal ideations and stuff before. Like I know he really needed it more than like I have. But I get it. But my point still stands that you don't need to have suicidal ideations to prioritize your mental health. And the fact that you can acknowledge that you can't get over this, even though you realize that maybe you should, is maybe something you could work on through therapy. Maybe there's a reason why you're having a hard time letting this go. Maybe there's a reason why you're so principled about something that, quite honestly, is more

of a pet peeve than a non-negotiable. Maybe your mental health challenges aren't as pronounced as his and aren't as severe as his, like having suicidal ideations, but our mental health affects all of us. It affects our interpersonal relationships. So stalking his location to spy on him is like a thing. It's like

something you shouldn't be doing, you know, and that might be something you could work on, you know, with a therapist. I was being crazy at the end and I wasn't trusting him and I thought he was hiding it, which is why I like was, yeah, spot like watching his location and why I saw him on my rover cam doing it because I was spiraling. I know, I mean, I know I had my problems in that relationship too, but. Yeah, you're right. I, I could go into my next relationship and yeah, the guy could be treat me way worse and not smoke a ton of weed and I will regret it. I just go back to if he was medicated up, you wouldn't be doing this.

And all the things that bother you about weed, you shouldn't, in theory, bother you about taking medicine. If him being medicated changes his mood or behavior in any way, then he is somewhat reliant on that, right? And then there, you know, cause you said earlier, it's this way, I feel like maybe he can't enjoy my presence without weed.

Okay, well, what if the same was true about medication? You know, for people who severely suffer with ADHD and have to medicate for that, I mean, yeah, they're probably a lot less enjoyable off their medication, especially once they become reliant on it. Are you gonna sit there and like make it about you in that moment and be like, well, you wouldn't enjoy me without your medication and therefore I feel less important?

You know, like, you wouldn't enjoy me without your medication and therefore I feel less important, you know, like you wouldn't. So you have a stigma in your head about a thing, which I get it, a lot of people do, you're not the only one, but when you're objective about it and realize that like, you know, weed is a form of medication, it's just a more less commercialized version and certainly less socially acceptable. You know, one could argue it's less destructive than some of the more socially acceptable means out there. This is definitely a pet peeve versus a non-negotiable situation and you need to reprioritize. Yeah.

And I've heard other people that you've talked to talk about like the lack of motivation that their partners have. And I think that was another thing that really bothered me was like, he hated his job, but he wouldn't apply for a better job. And he seemed like it was affecting his general life, just because he didn't seem super motivated and just kind of complacent. And that's fair. But, you know, we've been talking for 30 minutes, you know, so clearly, that's not why he broke up with them, though, is kind of complacent. And that's fair, but we've been talking for, I don't know, 30 minutes, so clearly that's not why you broke up with him though, is kind of my point. Yeah.

You have a right to be bothered by that, but you're also, imagine where he might be with that if you were channeling your energy to support him and motivate him and suggest ideas in which he could, but right now you're just fucking hounding him about weed and he's spending most of his energy while he's with you fighting you about weed. That energy could be maybe channeled

into more productive outlets, I don't know. I think it's just the fact that my experience with weed is so different than his. I respond to alcohol different than my friends. I'm a very casual drinker. I don't drink all that much. I have one drink that's pretty, I like to enjoy the taste of alcohol from time to time,

but I don't drink in any type of consumption. I don't remember the last time I was buzzed off alcohol. I just, I couldn't understand what was going on in his brain because when I have smoked, I'm very foggy, I'm very foggy and you're not him. You're not, you have to give a different body. Some people can be around dogs and be great. Some people are allergic.

Some people can eat peanuts and some people die from them. You don't have to understand why, you know, you just have to accept that it's something he does. You don't even have to like it. You just have to allow him. that it's something he does, you don't even have to like it. You just have to allow him, you maybe just have to accept that it is something he does and find the middle ground to have him challenge himself to maybe not be so reliant

on it, but like stop short of policing him, which you are. I tried to just not let it bother me and I never could get it to not bother me. I get it, yeah, but. And I get it. Yeah. But therapy, that's a you problem. You know what I'm saying? But, and that's why I say therapy because like when we get mentally stuck, that's an opportunity for, for therapy to have its benefits and we all get mentally

stuck from time to time, you're mentally stuck on this, you don't even have a logical reason as to why it just does. And that's a very human feeling that you're feeling, but that kind of my point so we can continue to go back and forth you're clearly mentally stuck on this I'm not gonna be able to convince you to just be okay with it that's not what I'm trying to do yeah I'm just trying to point out the hypocrisy and again I don't really care if you don't want to be with the guy you know but it sure sounds like it's I hate that you, you can acknowledge it's tough out there to date and that you found a guy that you care about and cares about you and you miss him, you

know, and he treats you well. And the one thing that bothers you is his weed. And like the second thing that kind of bothers is his motivation. But like, you know, and that's a real thing. That's a real thing. But you're not talking about that too much. Yeah. I mean, the other stuff I could have looked past that like he hated his job and he

wasn't super motivated, but for whatever reason, just the. I would have, I would have bothered me more than the weed. Yeah. And I don't know, but I just think it affected his whole lifestyle. And I don't know, but also like the smell and the, yeah, his beard smelling like. That's valid, but again, like he could, he could take edibles, he can get a pen, you know, like, again, he can definitely cut back.

If he didn't think he had to hide it from you, then he could just smoke, go wash up, wash his beard, wash his face, do take some mouthwash, do all the things he needs to do to have, not be a fucking sneaky, stinky ashtray. And you would just have to like, you know, let it the fuck go and not be the person who's hovering over me. Did you smoke again? Smell it again. That was me. I didn't like myself at the end there because I knew I was policing him and drive him in, you know, not letting him just do him like

do something he enjoyed. But well Well again, it's a balance. If he enjoyed getting hammered every night and where he was an asshole, that wouldn't be an excuse. It doesn't seem to change all his behavior. You could argue it seems like it improves his behavior. It doesn't cause him to treat you poorly. If anything, you're worried that it's the reason why he's so great. I know.

Yeah, that bugs me a little too. You may not like it, but this is him trying to adjust, address his mental health challenges. And certainly he needs to do more. He definitely should be in therapy if he's having these types of thoughts for sure. And he definitely needs to try to limit how much he's on it. And if he is gonna do it, he needs to, you know, find a way to not eat a pint of Ben and Jerry's every time he does, because like, sugar is also very, very terrible for us, right?

It's one of the worst things for us. I guess now that I've actually done the breakup, like should I just let him find somebody who it doesn't bother them and they won't fight about it every weekend. And that's for you to decide. You know, I don't, if I were you, I think you know where I stand. I think you're potentially letting a good thing going for, for all the wrong reasons.

And I think you're potentially losing something over what, what is ultimately a pet peeve of yours. I don't want to convince you to date the guy. over what is ultimately a pet peeve of yours. I don't want to convince you to date the guy. And if you refuse to do anything about your inability to get over this and your mental hurdle over this problem, then yeah, maybe you shouldn't. You want him to work on things, you want to address things,

like why don't you address things? You would rather have him find another girl because you don't want to work on you. I don't know, we just, we fought about it so much and I mean, neither of us were happy because. Well, you wouldn't let it go. I know. Yeah, listen, like it's just,

it's much harder for him to let it go because it does sound like it has some benefits for him. And you didn't want to let it go because you just didn't want to let it go. Now he's saying like, like, I want to work things out. Like I'll quit completely if you want, but that's silly. Yeah. Cause ultimately I think he would resent me for it. And then he, you know, he may correct. Yes. Have more. That's not the solution. Yeah. Yeah. You're right. If you're not willing to let it go, then you shouldn't be with him. But I think you would be hurting yourself.

And again, if you want him to be willing to be willing to work on himself and find areas in which he can make improvements in his life, you need to be willing to do the same. And what I'm hearing from you is you want him to change, but you're not willing to. I changed a little bit. Like I was okay with him doing it like all weekend, most of the time, like, which I, I just thought I'm talking about. I'm talking about the, this clear stubbornness that you have. Yeah.

Being able to get, you know, over this, whatever it is that bugs you so much about it. That's the thing. Cause you can't even like name it. You can acknowledge the hypocrisy, but it just bugs you. It just does, for whatever reason, it just does. And you can't get out of your own way. And that's a you problem that you probably, if I were you, would wanna address.

Why am I so set in my ways? Why am I willing to make something that's ultimately a pet beave, a non-negotiable when it shouldn't be? Like, why am I unwilling to like find a common ground with my boyfriend on this topic? I live in Colorado so I'm pretty sure that most guys that live here that I'm going to date probably also enjoy it. Yeah. Maybe not to that level but it's always gonna be a thing as long as I live in

Colorado. I don't know. It's America and it's only become it's only gonna become legal. It's soon going to be federally legal. It'll soon be as socially acceptable as alcohol. Yeah, I should get some therapy. And I mean, I haven't talked to him in a little while, because I told him to give me space to think about it. But he definitely, if I called him right after this and told him I wanted to work it out, he would. But I haven't done the work on myself. I don't know if we could work it out. I don't either. But what if you just call him up and say, hey, listen, I want to be honest. I miss you. But I'm really, I don't know why I have a hard time letting it go, but I am. And I, but I also recognize it's probably, I haven't been fair to you, but

what I've been asking you to do it does bother me you do that I do think I have a right to ask you to limit how much you do but like I need to work on that but like I don't know the solution but you know yeah I guess I'd love to try to figure this out but like you are gonna have to ease up you're gonna have to get over it you're gonna have to accept him for who he is I want to be clear I'm not expecting you to just you know, just like if you know, if someone was drinking With excess and changing his behavior to me It's just more about like how do they treat you and you have the right to be worried about his health as someone who cares About him for sure and we doesn't it has its side effects. It's not without its risks

He did say like it his lungs felt better the two weeks like months that he quit smoking and like running was easier. This is not about you being right or wrong. It's about you having a you being better at empathizing with his point of view and vice versa and you being a little bit more open-minded than you are and be willing to you know work with your partner on finding common ground and not be so set in your ways and not be so principled over things that ultimately aren't, you know, like harming you. It's like you're just fighting battles that aren't getting you anywhere. Yeah, I think I was just being like stubborn and... Yes.

You're definitely stubborn. Yeah, here we are. That's okay. Well, some, some of you could definitely work on with a therapist for sure. He said I can like drug test him if I want, which is crazy. And I would not do that. That's crazy. Of course. But he's like, that's how it matters is how much this guy cares about you and what he was willing to do for you. I just got off the phone with a woman who started dating a guy and three months in,

he said he's going back on the dating apps to sell women insurance and he's not willing to get off the dating apps for her. Oh. Yeah, he's willing to accept the consequences if she continues to not be okay with her essential boyfriend being on dating apps to sell insurance, which sounds fucking crazy. I just want to point out the type of men out there. Just saying. Just saying.

And again, you have the right to be annoyed and by his weed smoking, you have the right to wanna have him reduce it and be reliant on it, but I think it's safe to say this helps him be a better person in a lot of ways. And he's willing to give that up for you. He's willing to give up something that makes him happier and more calm just to be with you. I don't think you should make him do it, but like I think it just goes to how much this guy, that matters. Like you want a lot, you know, fuck man, I talk to a lot of women when push comes to shove, they have a baby or whatever,

and like their men don't step up. This guy will step up. I don't know how long, like he would actually be willing to quit or like change. Well, I don't want you to make him quit. I want you to get over your mental hurdle, and then I want you two to work together on a compromise that you both can live with.

Natalie's compromise was just the smoking, it's gross, you smell, it's disgusting, it's a bad habit. She was fine with me taking edibles. I am currently trying to drastically reduce how much I take it and rely on it and exercise at night more, eat healthier. I'm trying to do all those things, right? But you know, and maybe one day I'll totally quit, but she is willing to, you know, she's not saying quit totally for me. She understands that in a lot of ways it helps me, and I don't wanna medicate with a pill.

That's just a personal choice I'm making. Yeah, he's now, since we had the breakup, he is working out more and eating healthier and trying to find other ways to that breakup pot, you know, yeah I don't know. I just wish he had tried a little harder. What do you mean? quit for two months But then he like I just don't think it's not registering. It's just not registering with you. I know I know You're you're incredibly stubborn

And a bit setting your ways and closed-minded. You're just not seeing it logically. I mean, imagine if someone was like, yeah, I just, I got this guy, he suffers from depression and anxiety and he was taking medicine that really helped him out. His doctor prescribed it for him. And I just wanted to see how much he liked me. So I asked him to quit. And he did for two months. That would be like an insane thing for someone to do for someone. And he did it for you. And you want him to what? Try harder? Again, I'm being a little hard on you because I'm not getting through to the... You're still stuck on what you want him to do and you're very much not willing to do your part. And for that reason, maybe you two aren't a match, but I think your biggest problem

is you, not him. Well, shit. Yeah, and like I said earlier, maybe I'm not the right girl for him because I am being stubborn. That's your conclusion? Wouldn't you rather figure your shit out? Yeah, but I mean, there's probably a girl out there that it doesn't bother them at all. And I don't know.

So? I mean, I do want to work on why did I let this thing end an otherwise good relationship. That's why I'm calling you guys. And, sure. Yeah, and I appreciate the call. I just wish you were actually willing to do it. Cause right now, it's like you're trying to, I don't know, like you're still trying to figure out

how you can get him to stop smoking. You're just not seeing the big picture. Yeah. And also like you're not a love martyr, you know, oh, maybe he'd be better off with some other girl. It's like, all right. Honestly, maybe he would, but I don't think that's gonna make you feel any better.

And it's not gonna help your love life out. And I'm here to help you. You call in, I don't even know this guy, you know? I wanna see you happy. And I think you're making decisions in your life that it's stopping you from being happy and I think that's a great reason to get into therapy and maybe this guy isn't your guy, that's fine, but right now you are making choices that are negatively affecting you. A lot of my friends have told me that too, they don't agree with the

decision I made because they did like him. If you to get into therapy I think you should say you go in there were the very specific like I Am very set in my ways. I have a hard time letting things go and I'm incredibly stubborn You clearly have a lot of great qualities that he likes in you and cares about you and he wants to be with you So you obviously have a lot of good things going for you, too But I want to see you not self-sabotage. I suppose obviously have a lot of good things going for you too, but I want to see you not self-sabotage, I suppose. Yeah. No, that's a good way to put it.

Yep. I feel like that's what I'm doing. Well, I hope you, I hope you look into that. Yep. I need some therapy. Maybe I need to smoke a little more. I don't know. Give him a call.

Yeah. Okay. Well, a call. Yeah. Okay. Well, please keep us posted. I would love to know what you two love for a few months. Well, thank you. Thanks for the tough love. I'm here for, you know, but just remember,

I don't think you're fully appreciating what this guy was willing to do for you. Well, thank you. All right, take care, keep us posted. Okay. All right, bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

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