The Viall Files - E851 Ask Nick - Homewrecking For The Holidays

Episode Date: December 9, 2024

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition!  Our first caller wants to end an emotional affair with a friend now that he’s in a relationship. Our second caller wants to get over the insecurities she has with her husband. And, our third caller thinks she might have made a mistake getting back together with her boyfriend.  “It’s disingenuous that we can pretend to just be friends with people that we have feelings for.” Listen to Humble Brag with Cynthia Bailey and Crystal Kung Minkoff every Monday starting October 21st! Available wherever you get your podcasts and YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@humblebragpod https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/humble-brag-with-crystal-and-cynthia/id1774286896 https://open.spotify.com/show/4NWA8LBk15l2u5tNQqDcOO?si=c03a23d537f94735 Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice, send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Article - Article is offering our listeners $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more. To claim, visit https://www.article.com/viall and the discount will be automatically applied at checkout. BetterHelp - Find comfort this December, with BetterHelp. Visit https://www.BetterHelp.com/viall   today to get 10% off your first month. Helix Sleep - Helix is offering 20% off + 2 FREE pillows for all mattress orders! Go to https://helixsleep.com/viall  Jack Black - This holiday season, if you want simple, effective products that help you look your best, you need Jack Black. Head to https://getjackblack.com/viall and use code VIALL for 10% off your order. StoryWorth - Help your family members share and capture their stories this holiday season with StoryWorth. Go to https://storyworth.com/viall today and save $10 on your first purchase! Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @justinkaphillips @dereklanerussell

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Listen now wherever you get your podcasts. You're crazy. How's it going? My name is Megan and I am 36 and I need to end my emotional affair. What do you mean by emotional affair? I have developed a close relationship with a friend that initially started as a working relationship, so a professional relationship, and then over time we just became closer and closer and have definitely

bordered past the friendship level. And he is in a long term committed relationship. Okay, you are in your relationship statuses. I am single. Okay. Okay. So this started started, you work with this person? I worked with him in a certain capacity. We no longer work together professionally. Gotcha. Does that have anything to do with the relationship

or is that just? Nope, it was a transactional thing. Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. So the work part of it was done and then we still maintained a friendship. Okay. And I guess what part are you struggling with? The actual letting go of the situation. You know, all of my friends or people that I talked to about this situation are like,

he's treating you very disrespectfully. He's not being respectful to his relationship. Just end it, walk away. situation or like, he's treating you very disrespectfully. He's not being respectful to his relationship. Just end it, walk away. But I still want to have him in my life in some type of capacity. And I've tried to do that. But different things keep happening.

Different situations keep happening where, you know, people get upset or a situation goes a little too far. And it's not serving me anymore, but I can't seem to be like, bye, I'm never going to speak to you again. Do you have feelings for this individual? Oh, yes, 100%. Well, that's the why. Yeah. Well, and I know that he has feelings for me as well, but obviously he is in a relationship, so he...

Is he married? No. He just has a girlfriend? Yes. Okay. I mean, still, like... And I've said that to him too. I'm like, if you wanted to, you would, And he hasn't, so he doesn't want to.

And I have come to terms with that to an extent, but I still want him in my life as my friend, but our relationship is not platonic. Yeah, that's the thing, you don't, right? And so he's not your friend. Nally, my wife is my best friend, obviously, of course, right, but like that is not the core of our relationship. Right, it's disingenuous for ourselves to pretend

that we can be just friends with people that we have elevated feelings for that go beyond a friendship, right. I understand, you know, listen, you like this person, there are moments it sounds like he's added value to your life, you know, in the short term, but obviously given how he's handling this, you've recognized that it's, you know,

it's causing you more frustration, disappointment, it's questioning your own, I'm guessing, integrity and character as you kind of entertain certain things that he's doing, knowing that it's affecting your conscience. But that being said, yeah, I get the desire. I guess the point is you have to recognize that you walking away from this situation that you know isn't right or healthy for you

big picture-wise, that you know isn't right or healthy for you big picture wise, that you're going to be sad about it, that you will miss aspects of the relationship you have with him, you know, just like any breakup, you know, to a certain extent. Yeah, you know, and it definitely feels like a breakup to me. Yeah, yeah, and I think because of the emotional aspect of it. Exactly. And I think that's okay for you to acknowledge and mourn to a certain degree, because that's better off than trying to do these mental gymnastics in your head about like, well, I really like him,

and if I could just figure out a way to have him in my life in a way that doesn't make me question if I'm doing the right thing or not, it doesn't make me question whether he's doing the right thing or not, and then somehow we can magically figure out how to do that, then we can be friends. And I, like, it's just not possible. You know?

And like, you're- Yeah, I mean, that's what I've been trying to do, is take sort of a step back and be like, okay, we're not gonna speak every day as we have. I'm not gonna see you multiple times a week. I'm gonna try and make this more of a friendship that's like we talk on a regular cadence and I've been trying to like get through that.

I hear you on that, but let me ask you this. How would it make you feel if you knew at the end of the day like he was using you to fill in the gaps he's missing in his relationship. Oh, I 100% think that he is doing that. Okay. And it doesn't make me feel great. And the thing is too, is that he knows how I feel about him. And I think he's taking advantage of the situation

because who wouldn't want somebody in their life that's, you know, building them up and providing them emotional support and, you know, somebody to spend time with when their significant other is out of town or whatever it may be. I'm providing a lot to him and me saying that I'm hurting from this situation, but then not receiving hurting from this situation, but then not receiving any type of like support back to be like, I understand, you know, why you're hurting and where you're coming from, let me put some boundaries in place and help you disengage from that. He doesn't do any of that. And I, it just feels very disrespectful to me. And so it's like, for me to try and walk away, I want some type of like acknowledgement from him to be like, to understand why I'm doing what I'm doing.

Like that he's gonna be missing something. Like right now it feels like he's like, okay, you're making this decision to take a step back from me. How would that actually make you feel better? So if what I'm hearing from you is like, if I'm hearing you right, you wanna take a step back, put distance in this relationship, and you wanna hear him acknowledge

that it'll be difficult and sad for him to do. And let's assume, okay, but let's assume, okay, like you reach out to him and you're like, hey, we need to cut ties, I can't do this. And you get exactly the words that you reach out to him. You're like, hey, we need to cut ties I can't do this and you get exactly the words that you want to hear from him And then after he says the words that you want to hear you never hear from him again How will that make you feel better that this time our friendship our you know relationship meant something to him? I guess what I'm trying to say is like, I find that words in these situations are fairly meaningless

and actions go a long way. And if I'm willing to bet that if this were true and he didn't reach out again, those meanings of those words would fade away quickly and then his ease of letting you go would hurt. Yeah, well that too, that's what I'm afraid of is that, yeah, he'll just be like, okay, bye, see you later. Because he still has everything and I'm left still alone.

And so it's like, yeah, I think maybe it is more my ego. But one, I don't know anything about your circle of influence, but I'm willing to guess you're not alone. And you may at times feel lonely, especially when it comes to maybe male companionship. But I think it's very important that, especially in these times, that we are mindful of our rhetoric to ourselves

of being alone versus, you know what? Sometimes I feel a little lonely, you know? But you're not alone. You've already mentioned you have friends, and things like that. But I would argue that at times, he makes you feel even lonelier than you are, especially when he is disconnecting from you

and spending quality time with his actual partner. I just think, I really don't think him saying anything is gonna really do it. It's gonna be short term gratification. Your ego's telling you you need to hear this acknowledgement, but in my experience, it's really not gonna do anything for you. If this person is serious about how he really feels

about you, if this person really is interested in prioritizing you, then you walking away, setting and then enforcing that boundary of, hey, I'm not gonna sit there and pretend that we can be platonic friends. I feel like we have a connection worth exploring. I do not want to explore it while you're in a committed relationship.

If you feel the same way about me, let me know, but you need to be single to do that. And if not, then I really just, I can't have you in my life and that it will be the only way you will actually find out about how he really feels about you and his willingness to prioritize you. I agree. And the thing is, is that I have, and we have tried that a couple of times. Well, I love to say when it comes to boundaries,

I like to invoke Yoda. Do or do not, there is no try. You don't try to enforce a boundary, you know, you just do it. Enforcing a boundary is not a mutual effort. You know, you can't say we tried. That's something you do. And he either respects your boundary Forcing a boundary is not a mutual effort. You can't say we tried. That's something you do.

And he either respects your boundary or he doesn't respect your boundary. And then he has boundaries, I'm sure, whatever those are, what they may or may not make sense to you or anyone else, but he has his, and then you can choose to respect or not respect his boundaries. Boundaries are not something you do mutually

unless maybe from two parents to a child type of thing. That's the only time those boundaries are mutual, you know, type of thing. But in a couple, you each have your own individual boundary and it's up to you, the individual, to enforce it. I don't know how to communicate that to him besides being like, don't speak to me again, because it just feels so harsh to me

because of the depth of our relationship. Just being like, I'm never gonna speak to you again, just seems extremely harsh to me and not, doesn't give any meaning to the relationship that we had. Why does this relationship need to have meaning if you're not gonna ultimately get what you want from it? It doesn't have meaning then what's the point? I mean, I don't know. I mean, what do you mean by meaning? I guess like I guess what is like my

The point I don't know what the point of this relationship is if he chooses to stay in his relationship But I would hope that the point for you would be you would learn something from it. And that learning from it might be to be careful about developing a friendship with a man in a committed relationship, knowing that, quite honestly, especially in adult life, most men aren't developing friendships

while they're in relationships, unless they're looking for something that they're not getting out of their relationship. But you know full well through this experience, them doing that doesn't necessarily mean they're going to leave that relationship. It just it might mean that you needed to learn this lesson. I mean honestly that's that's all our experiences in life are, meaning like, you know, like we always want this grand meaning. The only time, it means something if you're willing to learn something.

That's about it, you know? And some things happen just because life's unfair. Yeah, exactly. Well, I was gonna say two things that I mean. I think that he's opened me up to a lot of things about myself. And so I do thank him for teaching me those things. So I do appreciate that and I do acknowledge that. But I will say on the flip side too,

kind of what you were saying is that I seem to get myself in these types of situations a lot, meaning having relationships with men that are either in relationships or married or whatever you have it. But that seems to be my kind of cycle and I don't like it. I would never want to be with somebody that cheats on me. So why am I willing to be the person that's, you know's engaging in that activity. I ultimately want a partner and I want somebody

to live my life with, but I seem to be gravitating towards these unavailable men. Yeah, I mean, why do you think that is? I don't know. Well, if you can notice a pet, it's definitely probably- Maybe because it makes me feel more desirable, yeah. It could be that. It could be that. Exciting. Could be that, and maybe can notice a pet, it's definitely probably. It makes me feel more desirable. It could be that.

It could be that. And maybe it's just like, maybe it's not even like a nefarious in the sense that maybe part of it is like, maybe it's easier for you to be yourself around people that like when you first meet them, you kind of told yourself like this is not a dating partner. And so you're like, this is just a guy who's off the market. So I just can be friendly. And then you're disarming and he's disarming. And then you're maybe good at building rapport and maybe these connections are happening, I guess in good faith, so to speak. But partly is you're able to be yourself

and you're not like worried about, you know, are they gonna like you or not and things like that. And then you just kind of find yourself developing these connections with these men and you know, it's a safe space and then yeah, maybe there's a part of it in your subconscious who likes the attention and things like that. It might be a combination of things,

but if you can notice a pattern, then again, you know exceptions to every rule, but I think when it comes to straight again, you know exceptions to every rule, but I think when it comes to straight men, certainly above the age of 25, if they're in a committed relationship, they're not making women friends for the sake of needing more friends.

You are feeling some kind of need and void. And the thing is, is that what, yeah, like we said earlier, I acknowledge that I'm doing that. But I also feel like I am getting some from him, you know, fulfillment from him, but less and less as more time goes on and more of these issues, you know, arise between us. So that's why I'm at that point where I think I need to make a change and I think I need to cut myself off from him to to no longer give him that support and no longer give him you know more of me than what he's giving to

me. I just don't know how to be like bye. I was not in my nature to just cut people off like that. Well, maybe that's part of your problem. Probably. Maybe you're too accessible to people who shouldn't have access to you. Are you saying you have a hard time cutting people off like that tells me that generally

you're probably very bad at setting boundaries or, excuse me, enforcing boundaries. You're probably pretty good at setting them, but it's the forcing and follow through that you struggle with. Yeah, well, and with him, it's like, we've never set those boundaries, or the ones that we did set, we've broken all of them.

So, you know, it's just- And what boundaries like what? Just, you know, we had this rule early on that we wouldn't be, like, he wouldn't be allowed into my home alone. Like, we were like, we're not going to be alone in the same space together. And, you know, he's come to my place several times. We've never been physical.

It's purely emotional, but you know. So I think your boundaries, yeah, I think your boundaries need to be more, I guess, broad. I think your boundaries that you're setting right now, like you're not allowed to come into my apartment, are silly, and you guys are setting them just so you can break them. And I think that's creating the excitement type of thing. You get what I'm saying?

Like, I think the boundary creating the excitement type of thing. You get what I'm saying? Yeah, no definitely. I think the boundary you should be setting is, if I have to set a boundary about not letting a guy into my apartment, then maybe that boundary should really be, maybe we shouldn't be these types of friends. You know what I'm saying? If you need to set that boundary, there's probably a bigger boundary

you need to be setting with this guy. Mm-hmm, exactly. Well, and it's just, I don't know how to set that boundary and commit to it when it's, I like him as a person and I do get, you know, something. This is gonna sound, this is gonna sound, I'm gonna make a tough love statement here. I think in order for you to- Give it to me, Nick. It comes from self-respect, your ability to set the boundary. I mean, I blatantly, yeah. I blatantly know he's disrespecting me and he's getting so much more out of it than I am.

I know that, I know all these things, but I'm still not willing to take that step of cutting him off. Well, because you lack self-respect, I guess, in a way. If you know he's not respecting you and you're generally okay with that, then that means you lack the self-respect that you need to enforce the boundary, you know?

But what would that, yeah, I mean, it just shows self-respect. Because I guess his approval of you is more important than your approval of yourself. And his attention is more important than you feeling good about your decisions. And then, you know, we're not even discussing the obvious. Like even if you get what you want with this guy,

you're gonna have to grapple with the fact that this guy is very easily doing things to his current girlfriend you wouldn't want to be done to you. And if he can do it with you, he's gonna be able to do it. Like two years from now, you know, let's say you guys get in a relationship, at some point in your relationship with this guy, there's gonna be a disconnect.

You are not gonna be able to fill a certain need that he might not be getting from this relationship. Every relationship goes to their peaks and valleys, there's connecting, there's disconnecting, and when you're disconnected from this man, just like he seems to be disconnected from his girlfriend, he's going to seek that connection elsewhere because it's gonna feel easier and new and exciting.

And you are green lighting this behavior. Right, you lose them how you get them. Yeah, so I mean, you're kinda giving me the, and again, I'm saying this with love, but your childlike self, and it's kind of childish to be like, I just can't do it. It's like you can, you're choosing not to, and you're not giving yourself enough of credit

that you have the agency and the power and the control to make this difficult decision and to follow through. And for you to say things like, I can't do it, I know I should, but I just can't, is childish. I'm guessing the person you want to be. And sometimes we just have to make difficult decisions that sting a little bit in the short run might make us, you know, and that's what I mean. Like you need to acknowledge the sadness, you know,

you need to acknowledge it's gonna feel like a breakup. And I think that's the part that you're not doing yet. You're still trying to, you know, you called with like, oh, how can I be friends with this guy? I mean, that, you know, you were kind of hoping that you and I could just sit there and be like, all right, well, here's how can I be friends with this guy? I mean that, you know, you were kind of hoping that you and I could just sit there and be like, all right, well, here's how you can be friends. You can't be friends with this guy, you know, and you're still trying to figure

that out and you're trying to like do this equation in your head that's unsolvable and you're just not accepting the reality of the situation. And then what, and you just have to be more honest with yourself about how your choices are affecting your happiness and your, you know, your character, you know, and you just have to follow through and you have to be willing to be sad. And you have to be willing to feel even maybe a little bit of heartbreak and disappointment over like losing what he has brought to your life that you enjoy. And then you're gonna have to learn from it, you know? But yeah, like you've noticed this pattern of you getting closer and closer with men who aren't available. And yeah, there seems to be some reason why. Are you in therapy? I am. Have you talked about this pattern? You have. So what does your therapist say? Well, not specifically about this pattern with your, you have, so what does your therapist say?

Well, not specifically about the pattern, more about the situation with this guy. If I were you, I would be more interested in the pattern than this situation, because this situation is easily replicable, and it's really not about this guy, it's about this pattern that you, in fact, have noticed, and for you to notice it means it definitely exists.

Most people can't be self-aware to notice patterns. And you have to make sure that your therapist isn't just having fun gossiping with you about this guy. I would want, you know, I want you to like look at why you're making the choices that you're making and what is the reason for you to continue this pattern? Like what is it that you are missing? What void are you seemingly trying to fill

as a result of this type of behavior that you're doing? Yeah, I think a lot of it has to do with validation. Like I'm seeking validation from other people because I do think all these wonderful things about myself, I'm successful, I'm attractive, I'm funny, I do think all these wonderful things about myself. I'm successful. I'm attractive. I'm funny. I'm all of these things, but I need other people specific, like mostly men to, to, you know,

reflect that back to me. Sure. We all do. And so I think. What about single men? It's not as fun. Yeah, I hear you. I hear you.

I don't know. I think it is. Yeah, it's a validation thing, but I mean, this has been the cycle of my whole kind of like romantic relationships since I was in high school. So it's always been like this. Were you popular in high school? I had several groups of friends, but I wouldn't say I was popular, no. I got in disagreements with the popular girls

because I liked their boyfriends. Okay, did you, yeah, did you, okay, well maybe it comes from something like that. Well, that's kind of where I was going. It's just like, I think sometimes how we are in high school really can stick with us unless we break a pattern. Mm-hmm, I guess I just don't know how to break the pattern besides just being like, they're unavailable,

so I'm not even gonna engage with them in conversation. I think it's easier for you to do what you do if your subconscious brain almost sees the pop, as these men's partners, as the popular girls in high school. Mm-hmm. And I think you in high school felt less guilty about what you were doing

because it was kind of like, you know, hey, it's high school, all fair in love and war. If he likes you today, he might like me tomorrow. And you know, you getting that validation from these guys who are hanging out with the popular girls, you know, made you feel a certain way outside of just like the guy likes you. It was like a status symbol.

It was like, I can compete too. I don't need, you know, it's like popularity. And then maybe it comes from something like that. But like, you know, these are the type of questions I'd love for you to be discussing in therapy. Because again, even if you do finally break it off with this guy, if you don't break the pattern in this need for this type of validation,

you're just gonna find it with someone else again. And how old are you? 36. 36. Still relatively young, but like, do you want to keep doing this type of cycle with these types of guys for that much longer? You know, I'm. No, I don't. And that's why I'm trying to make this change with this particular situation.

It's just, I guess I don't know how to enforce the boundary because it's like I said, we tried this two times, or I've tried this two times with him to break it off. You gotta stop with the language of. Both times he's come back to me. Okay, good for him. Yeah, I don't, you, again, your idea of setting a boundary is asking him

to respect your boundary, and then when he doesn't respect your boundary, you make it seem like you have no choice in the matter. Yeah, I willingly accept him back because I miss him. Yeah, I understand that, and again, if you were to enforce this boundary, you would have every right to grieve the same way you would a romantic relationship, because you have feelings invoice this boundary, you would have every right to grieve the same way you would a romantic relationship because you have feelings for this guy

and that's understandable. But there's two outcomes you want, right? The best outcome right now is to be with this guy romantically and for you two to explore a relationship further while he ends his relationship with a girlfriend and sees where things can go. That's your first choice. Your second choice, much further down in terms of what you'd prefer,

which would be to just relieve yourself of this toxic relationship with this man because he's in a relationship and for you to move on. Those are your top two choices, neither of which will be accomplished by you doing what you're doing, which is to act like you're a victim of the circumstance and give him all the power and let him choose

for the both of you what you guys decide to do and just once in a while complain. You complaining hasn't gotten you anywhere. You actually need to do something and he will respect you a hell of a lot more if you show him that you're willing to enforce a boundary. You enforce a boundary right now, he's like, all right, cool, I'm just going to like, I'll just stop. I won't text her for a couple days.

She'll miss me. I'll show up and we'll do it all over again. It's like, and I don't even think he's doing it consciously, but like, he knows he knows. I think he is. Well, even so, that should piss you off even more. I mean, again, this comes down to a level of self-respect that you are not giving yourself. She make you mad. It's starting to. No, I mean, I feel a deep level of disrespect and sadness about the situation. You are disrespecting yourself way more than he is. I agree. I agree. I need to, uh, make myself a priority and not necessarily care as much about how it's going to affect his life.

Cause that's what I think about. Yeah. That's understandable. You care about them. That's sad, but you gotta let go of that narrative. This man has all the options. He could be with his girlfriend, he could be with you. He's going to choose what deep down he wants for himself.

What you're gonna put a stop to is him feeling like he doesn't have to choose, that he can have both. And let's not feel sorry for the guy who is trying to have his cake and eat it too, so to speak. You know what I'm saying? Let's not feel sorry for the guy who's greedy to have his cake and eat it too, so to speak. You know what I'm saying? Let's not feel sorry for the guy who's greedy. Because that's what he is. You are pitting someone who's being greedy.

I completely agree with you. And every time that I've brought that up to him, he gets very upset because he's totally deep down knows it's true. Yeah, but also like stop arguing with this man It's pointless He wants to argue with you. It's an opportunity to change your mind get in your head, you know play on your feelings for him Words in these situations are just that's all they are. They're just fucking words you guys I care and I don't

They're just fucking words. You guys just, I care and I don't care. Does he wanna be with you or not? Does he want to stop emotionally cheating on his girlfriend for you, you know, or not? Do you wanna date a weak man? Because this guy sounds pretty fucking weak, you know? Like, I don't know. It's just.

Yeah. And that's the thing is that I want to get that understanding from him, what he wants, but I to get that understanding from him what he wants but I have to take his actions as what he wants. Obviously he wants to stay with his girlfriend because it's been a year now and he's still with his girlfriend. So he's made his decision. How long is this?

How long have you been in your mind? This has been, you said it's been going on for a year. How much of this year have you guys been teetering on him emotionally cheating on his girlfriend? What do you mean teetering on it? Well, I mean, you make the whole time? I got the impression at first it started very innocent and you guys were just totally friends and then maybe a couple months in,

you're like, oh wait, I like this guy or vice versa. Or you mean pretty early on you had feelings? Pretty early on I had feelings and pretty early on we started flirting with each other and our communication has always been very constant. If you were her, how would this whole situation feel if you had a mirror into your relationship? Oh, extremely shitty.

Can we cuss on here? Yeah, you can. No, she could be devastated. Okay, so then does that not make you see him differently knowing that he, that's one thing for you, it's easier for you to put it on his mind because you don't know her, you have no loyalty to her, you're disrespecting yourself by doing this,

but he is disrespecting himself and her and he's doing it with a clear conscience. And how does that not change how you see this man? No, it definitely has. I mean, I was very, you know, I didn't see it for a very long time. I, you know, put him on this pedestal of being this great stand-up,

fantastic guy that I was trying to win over. And so I was giving him access to me to try and show him, hey, choose me, I'm the better fit for you. It's only been the past couple of months, and yes, I realize that that's still a long time is a couple of months, but it's only been the past couple of months. And yes, I realize that that's still a long time as a couple of months, but it's only been the past couple of months that I've really come to see his true character and how he lies and how he withholds communication from me, because he knows that that's my biggest thing is that I like to talk through things and I like to,

you know, be upfront with communication. And so him taking that away from, from me, he knows that that's going to drive me But I like to talk through things and I like to be upfront with communication. And so him taking that away from me, he knows that that's going to drive me insane and try and reach back out to him. So it's only been more recently that I've realized all of these things that have been going on and wanting to not be in this same cycle, not wanting to feel this bad about myself. And it's providing me more heartache than happiness at this point. And I've come to realize that. And so that's why I want to make this change. And actually, I don't know if I

want to, or it's more like I need to. I hope that you want to. Yeah. And again, you can still be sad about what you're losing and still want to make the right choice. I mean. Yeah. No, it's gonna make me cry to say that I won't have him in my life.

So it's really hard to think about. But it's really not him that you're losing. It's also really hard to be in this spot. Isis is not that great. You know. You're crying over a person you've built up in your head. It's very true. There's a part of you that might be sad missing the game, the challenge, the excitement, the up and down.

It's a chapter in your life you're gonna have to close. And these are all things you can acknowledge, but like you're just giving this man way too much credit. You're clearly not giving yourself enough, you know? Yeah, no. And it should start pissing you off. I mean, you know, again, you're young,

but you're, you know, not that young. You're not, you're too old to be doing this shit, you know? I agree with you. Especially for a guy who, like, again, it's just, you know, you're crying over someone who would do this to you. And he's gotten a lot of my tears over the past year, and I don't want to give him anymore.

So stop, stop glorifying this relationship. Yeah. I guess I just, I think you're trying to compete with, uh, the girls you went to high school with still potentially. I like, I want to, yeah, I want to be the chosen one. That's always been my thing. Like I want to be the one picked. Yeah. And that's why you're capable of doing what you're doing is because you're not

seeing it as like a low character choice or the fact that he is doing this shitty thing to his girlfriend. You're seeing it as if he picks me, then it was all worthwhile. Then it, then I did the right thing, you know, and you're making it all about you being picked. Yeah. Because I, in other situations, like, yeah, with single men or with available men,

I'm not picked. So either way, I'm not picked. What do you mean you're not picked? Yeah, like I don't go on a lot of dates. I don't, I haven't had like a long-term relationship. And it's because, don't I don't connect with people often and when I do I get really excited about it and the most people that I connect with are unavailable people and so again part of

it I think that you're connecting with unavailable people because you feel a comfortable without the pressure like we talked about and you're clouded by the excitement of what if if if you can you know and it feels safe and you feel less rejected by subconsciously entertaining unavailable men and then when you do go on the dating apps or go out with available men and you know it doesn't go your way you feel more rejected i'm, because you get in your head about like, well, they won't even pick me when they're, if they don't have a girlfriend. I mean, like you said, you're an attractive person,

you have a lot going for you. If you really wanted a boyfriend tomorrow, if you're life-dependent on it, I'm confident you could have one. But the men you're going after, I'm willing to bet that the if you're life dependent on it, I'm confident you could have one. But the men you're going after, I'm willing to bet that the reasons you're dating aren't for love, they're not for stability or making a romantic connection.

I think a lot of it is based off of being validated. And so my guess is you're going after a lot of the fuckboys and you're going after a lot of the men who your subconscious brain is seeing an opportunity and that opportunity is to feel validated. You're not going after men who might be able to you know share and develop something and you know you're just there's this obviously this intense need of validation and if I were you you know therapy you're just, there's this, obviously this intense need of validation. And if I were you, you know,

therapy we know is expensive, I would be more intentional about what you are talking about in therapy. Because like talking about individual situations is nice, but you know, working with a therapist that hopefully can understand, you know, like child, like past traumas or the reasons why we do things and try to look into what's causing these repetitive

behaviors is a bar is a far better use of your time. Because otherwise you're just paying a therapist to talk with about your relationship problems when you exhaust your friends. Yes, and they're exhausted. So, yeah, but you know, you gotta, you're clearly, you know, you're very capable of making the right decisions. You're not as helpless as you're acting. And you need to just hold yourself to a higher standard.

And this will change when you really want it to change. Right. And that's only when the change can happen is when I'm truly ready. And it's, I keep trying, you know, inching towards that point and I just need to, you know, actually take that step and, you know, be good with that. It's just, I don't know how to do that. I just, do I call him up and be like, hi, I'm not talking to you again,

please don't contact me, goodbye? I'm willing to bet you've had plenty of these types of conversations. If I were you, I would block him right now and I would delete his number and I wouldn't tell him, he'll know exactly why you're being blocked even though he acts confused or even if he tries to act like a victim, he knows.

That's what I would do. And if he goes out of his way to track you down to get a hold of you without being able to text you, then you calmly say, you know the answer, it's not even fair for you to even make me answer this question, and it's even shittier of you to make me feel like I am doing something wrong. If you really wanna be in my life,

you know exactly what you need to do. And if you don't, then keep doing what you're doing. But I've wasted enough of my energy and time this past year and I'm done. And it is that simple. You have to tell yourself it is that simple because it is. I know that the feelings that you're gonna feel following that will be difficult

and you'll have to process them and you'll have to work through them and you will be there's no way to do this without being sad and that is something you're just gonna have to accept and when you called in you were hoping to figure out a solution without being sad and that's not possible and you're gonna have to accept that yeah unfortunately I'm already sad you know so that's it that's good news actually. Because the truth is you kind of know the truth, right?

You know, and you're just not, you're not really accepting it, you're kind of accepting it, and you called in with a little bit of, you know, delusional hope, and you know, you calling in with the question of how can I be friends with this guy, is you not actually accepting

the reality of their situation. Yeah, I mean we both brush it under the rug. We both know that our relationship is more than a friendship, but neither of us are doing anything about it. And we just kind of talk along. I think you need to stop using we and us language with this guy.

You're not in a relationship. You don't have one. You're two individuals making choices, and you got to stop that language. There is no you two. Yeah, yeah. You're not in this together. That's very true.

You know? Definitely not. He blames me for everything that's gone wrong. So that's a very terrible feeling. Yeah, but like. Because she's complicit. You know better. And so like you got to,

you have to figure out a way to stop being a victim because you're not in this situation. And when people- Right, I'm letting it happen. Yeah, I mean, because you know it's crazy for him to say, and you would rather allow him to make you feel this way than just say, to see it for what it is. Cruel, self-centered, selfish,

and instead you're just not seeing it that way. Right. I understand that, yeah, a great technique is blocking him and not giving him access to me, but it feels harsh. I haven't done that with anybody in my life. It feels very rude to me. Your dating choices have gotten to where you are today,

so maybe you need to start making different choices. And maybe you need to be a little bit more harsh. Why can't it be easier? You gotta, you gotta, well, because life, because doing the right thing is often hard, and to get things, anything worthwhile in my life didn't come easily, anything, whether it was love or work or, you know,

the things that we appreciate the most are often the most difficult things to get, which is kinda, that logic also got you into this mess because you have almost subconsciously justified this type of behavior from the two of you is, you know, well, your effort is, it must be meaningful because I've had to work this hard for it. But that being said, this is more about you doing

the right thing and it shouldn't be this toxic, that's for sure. Yeah, no, I agree. I know it needs to happen and I have to actually do it and stick to it. I just, yeah, I just worry about, yeah, him actually reaching out and then me caving. And I have to be ready to not cave.

Do you, like, you have to respect yourself. It really comes down to that. It really just does. Yeah, because I don't wanna be treated this way. I wouldn't wanna treat people this way myself. So I have to. Well, you are allowing both to happen right now and you have for the past year.

Exactly. And that should trigger you in a way. You're gonna have to figure something out to motivate yourself. And I think you need to start being a little bit more honest and harsh with yourself. Yeah, no, I, I, I understand. And yeah, I think that this, this heartache, this anxiousness, this stress,

everything from this is, you know, a lot worse than being on the other side and being sad for a bit and sticking up for myself. So it's just something that I need to do and I've struggled to actually do it because I don't wanna lose him. I mean, again, I would change that language. Yeah, you do. Him is who he is today.

And him is a guy who has been able and willing to make his emotional mistress, you, feel shitty about herself when all she's trying to do is just find happiness and love. And he knows that he's doing it while simultaneously lying and deceiving his current partner. This is the person you are having a hard time letting go. Yeah.

And you are not. When you put it that way letting go. Yeah. And you are not. When you put it that way. Yeah. Yeah. So you should want to lose that. Like instead of talking about him in generalizations, you should talk about the behaviors he's demonstrating. I want to lose this type of behavior in my life.

I want to lose this type of behavior in my life. That type of behavior in my life. I don't wanna lose him. behavior in my life, that type of behavior in my life. I don't wanna lose him. It's such a, like, him. Yeah, it's what even, yeah, what even is that. Yeah, him is his actions he's bringing into this relationship.

You know what I mean. Mm-hmm, completely. You gotta toughen up here, you know? You can do this, you know, type of stuff. Stop with the I can't, stop with I don't know how, you're not a 16 year old girl anymore. Stop acting like the girl that, I mean, it's coming from that place.

I mean, again, not a therapist, but I think it's a pretty educated guess. Yeah, I will definitely look to explore that more in therapy for sure. Because yeah, we've been definitely been focused on this situation and what I can do and coming to that conclusion that I need to. What are they saying? Just out of curiosity.

We made a list of things that I can do to begin to distance myself. And I did several of those last week. What was on that list? It was to delete our text messages. Because I was holding on to it, I think sort of as like evidence or as way to, you know, hold on to the good things that he said to me. Tons of pictures, I moved them to my laptop, off my phone. Delete them. Mute. I can't.

You can. I don't, yeah. Yeah, but, and then I muted him on Instagram. I mean, if you get what you want, I muted him on Instagram. Mute him from seeing my stuff. If you get what you want, and that is him committing or trying it out, you don't even wanna remember this part

of this relationship. Why are you not? Yeah, I mean, I wouldn't allow any of this if I was in a relationship with him. I wouldn't allow it. So why am I allowing it? But that's what I'm saying. It's like, you're like, I'm saying delete those pictures

off your laptop. You're like, oh, I can't be. And the reason you can't must be in the back of your mind, you are wondering, well, if I get what I want eventually, I'm gonna want these pictures to look at. I'm gonna want to be able to memorialize the beginning of our relationship. But I'm telling you, if you get what you want,

you're not gonna wanna memorialize the time that you're gonna, because right now, it's very easy for you, even though it's, I mean, as difficult as it is, it's very easy for you to acknowledge his behavior. But if you get what you want, you're gonna wanna forget how he actually handled himself, how he treated you, how he treated his girlfriend, more importantly, you're not gonna wanna forget how he actually handled himself, how he treated you, how he treated his girlfriend,

more importantly, you're not gonna wanna memorialize that anyways, you know? Yeah, that's true. Be like, hey, remember the time you took this picture and you had a girlfriend? Like, what are you hanging? So what do you, you know, again, you got us, you know, you're not a victim and the more you keep saying,

I can't or it's too hard the the you're just making it harder on yourself mm-hmm you want to keep doing this shit you know like come on no I don't I don't like I said I want yeah I want a partner and I want somebody I can build my life with and this is not that and this is and this is not opening me up to that type of situation. So. Make different choices. You gotta start being the big girl that you are.

You're an adult woman, you know? And you gotta stop acting like the 16 year old. You know, it's time to graduate, so to speak. Yeah. And again, you have a lot going for you. Like, you know, and you're gonna have to get past this need for early on validation and excitement and like the intangible,

and maybe the men you start going out with, maybe you need to get comfortable with being a little bored in their early dates. And you have to start like trying to identify characteristics, you know, like having more, I think you should focus more on compatibility rather than chemistry. You know, I think you should focus more on compatibility rather than chemistry. I think you should stop looking for men

who help you see different sides of you that you didn't see before. Again, I think you're probably giving him way too much credit in that department as well. You know? It's like you got a compliment from a man that you liked and you turned it into him making you realize that you could see yourself in ways

you couldn't see yourself before. Maybe you should, you know, get rid of this guy and start practicing on valuing yourself in ways that you haven't been willing to value yourself without you hearing it from a man. Yeah, I mean, yeah, I do believe those things about myself, but I need to believe it regardless of hearing it back from someone else. Because it's like, I do believe it, but I believe it more if somebody else is... Sure. And listen, we all love to be complimented.

We all need certain levels of validation, but you're old enough to start asking yourself, is this validation healthy validation or is it toxic validation? Is it coming from a place that's going to serve me long term or is this a short term fix? Sugar and vegetables will both satisfy a craving in the short term. One of them will make you feel shitty long term and the other one will make you feel good long term.

And you know, sometimes vegetables are pretty fucking boring to eat. You know, I don't, you know, like, but you're an adult and you know that like, you can't just binge on sugar all day long. And if you want to feel a certain way or look a certain way, you're gonna have to make some tough choices

when it comes to your diet. And the same thing when it comes to your romantic life. But you're, you're keep, you keep acting like you don't know how to not eat sugar and say no and like, you know, it's just like, I don't know what to do and it's like, you know, you do. Yeah, and I think the only thing is, yeah, when I do go out with available people, yeah, I am bored.

I don't feel as strong of a connection with them and I, you know, give it two, three dates typically and I feel like that's, you know, good to get an outstanding at somebody. Stop looking for excitement on the first few dates. What has that gotten you? Nowhere. You're a prioritizing chemistry. There's a whole chapter in my book saying that that talks about the difference between chemistry and compatibility and how chemistry is very difficult to trust.

Chemistry is easily faked. Most fuckboys are naturally charismatic. You can feel chemistry with people who have, you know, you had a very similar, you worked with this guy. So there was some sort of, you know, working relationship that made you guys feel connected in a way that maybe you wouldn't feel connected if you didn't.

Like I said, people who go on The Bachelor have a very intense mutual experience that connects them and makes it easier to feel a certain level of chemistry that you might not feel with someone who didn't share that experience. But that doesn't mean the two people are meant to be in a romantic relationship. And so chemistry that you feel very early on

is often manufactured and fake or very just hard to trust its authenticity. Compatibility on the other hand, very early on, you can figure out what you have in common, what you enjoy doing, what you enjoy talking about. You don't have to have, it's not like you have to find the like, a cool image of you, but you should have things that you, you know, can talk about and share and that can grow and you need, I, if I were you, I would start

focusing on that and I would see chemistry early on in the first couple days as a red flag, because it is for you, it is, you know, and I would see boredom as a green flag for you. Yeah, I think I definitely need to focus more on the compatibility front. Yeah, and so when you feel boredom early on, you should challenge yourself to keep going because you're gonna have to fight through that. You know, you're just going to.

And you're gonna have to try to develop a connection over time, which clearly you're just going to. And you're gonna have to try to develop a connection over time, which clearly you're capable of doing, but you're gonna have to do it without the pot at the end of the rainbow, which is the validation, the hope of this validation from this person, you know, you're, you know, you feel like you need it from. Yeah, it's definitely giving too much power away

and I need to be able to give that validation to myself. You can do this. Are you gonna block them? Why don't you just do it right now? Maybe in a day. Why? Oh, I can't. You'll never be ready.

You'll never be ready. Tomorrow, it will be, you'll feel just- So the only thing that I'm thinking and you're gonna be like, this is ridiculous. I already know it. But we work out the same place I have put in my notice, but it's still the end of the month so I could potentially see him in the coming Days and so if I block him and then see him Then that's well, that's so awkward

No, you're not a victim first of all again. It's only awkward. You're not a victim, first of all, again. It's only awkward if you make it awkward. It should be empowering if I were you. I would want to, if I were you, I'd block them. I'd pat myself from the back. I'd call all my girls who supported that decision. I'd say, I'd finally block them. And I hope that they would gas you up.

And I would look in the mirror and compliment yourself for finally standing up for yourself and stop putting up with this shitty behavior. And if you were to run into them, then I would feel good about it and say to them, you know what happened and stop, you know, I'm over this and I would walk away, I wouldn't engage in conversation with them.

You know, I don't know where you live or what the climate is. If you really need to work out, you could do some laps around the block or whatever, do some lunges in your house or apartment. You do not need to go to this gym. Like you're, you know, so again, you blocking him and going to this gym, is this you tricking yourself

or again, finding an excuse or a loophole to not enforce the boundary, which is you blocking him. I agree. All right, should I get it out and block? I think you should. Let's block him and then delete his number. That's so scary. Don't screenshot, it's not scary. You're not 16 anymore.

Don't screenshot yet. You know where my brain went. Yeah. Well, I mean, again, like, at some point, you just have to be fed up with yourself. Mm-hmm. Yeah. 40's gonna come real fast.

Yeah. Which will be fine when you hit it, but like. Yeah. If you turn 40 and you're doing this shit, it's gonna be a real tough birthday. Yeah. Did you turn 40, you're doing this shit. It's going to be a real tough birthday. Yeah. Did you block them? OK, blocking. All right. Delete his number now.

Like block him on Instagram, block him on Snapchat, block him on whatever the fuck. I luckily only have Instagram. So let's go ahead and do that. You got your phone in front of you. Go ahead. Block. Let's go ahead and do that. You got your phone in front of you. Go ahead, block. No. I mean.

Ah! I don't know why this is so stressful to me. Well, because you're actually doing something you're not used to doing, you know? But you gotta change your attitude. Your attitude is so victim mindset. Like, be proud of yourself. You just did something that you really struggled doing,

like pat yourself on the back, like have a sense of accomplishment and pride in yourself. Like, yeah, you know? Yeah, I think I tend to think about the what I'm losing as opposed to what I'm gaining. And I need to focus on what I'm gaining. Set an appointment with your therapist and talk about why you are like the patterns you know. And yeah I will. Um like you don't need don't you like just cut to the fat you know. You don't need a slow burn respecting yourself. Definitely doing the slow burn situation. Yeah. Need to take more action. Well, keep us posted how this is going. Cry to your friends, but try to pat yourself on the back. Try to feel a sense of pride.

Because until you're able to do that, if you're just gonna go into this victim mindset of I'm so sad, I don't know if I can do this, I'm heartbroken, yeah, I mean, you're gonna make yourself vulnerable for when he eventually,, inevitably bangs down your door, so to speak. And just keep in mind that like, he needs to come correct. Him saying, I'm sad and I can't do this. No. If he doesn't show up at your door and then like I ended it, even then I would make, I would proceed with caution. Right, agreed.

All right. All right, thanks Nick. You're welcome, I'm proud of you. Now follow through. This is your life, you know? I mean, I'm serious. Yes, well yeah, I don't want this to be my life, so I need to actually follow through with that.

I don't want this. Yeah. You can and you're capable. Exactly. All right. Take care. Yes, exactly. All right.

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free dream pillows. For all mattress orders go to helixsleep.com slash viall. That's helixsleep.com slash vi all with helix better sleep starts now How's it going Hi, my name is Sylvia I'm 43 years old and I wanted to ask how I can get over my Insecurities or jealousy with my husband what so I mean, what are your insecurities that are causing your jealousy? That's like the main issue is there's not really anything that it's just, it's me. I'm insecure, I'm jealous of other women, of how they look. I'm afraid like when I stop myself when we're going to go places, because I'm constantly thinking like,

who's going to be there? What are they gonna be wearing? Are they gonna be attractive women? Is he gonna think about them later? It's just my mind does not stop. Well, I've always thought that the reason we get jealous is because we have some kind of insecurity, right? And our insecurities can come from two different places when we're in a relationship.

They can come from the behavior of our partners. They're doing something. Maybe they're very flirtatious. Maybe they're do things that don't make much sense. They show up late or whatever. Or our insecurities can come from past trauma, like childhood trauma, past relationships, things like that. So do you think it's more your husband's doing things that you were like, you've just kind of accepted but deep down don't feel right that are causing you to be jealous? Or have you had shit happen to you in the past that you haven't really processed or worked through

or gotten over that's causing you to react the way you're acting with your husband? So I would say it's probably a combination of both. Like when I was a teenager, my first boyfriend, you know, there was a lot of jealousy on both parts. Then my first marriage, when I was in my 20s, you know, he would tell me things like, oh, men think like this and men think like that. And he would kind of put things in my mind about how men think when they look at other women or how men ask or what

men are thinking in terms of like, if a friend of mine came over, you know, he would make comments about them, right? So now, now fast forwarding to my husband, he doesn't really so in the beginning, I was, I was extremely jealous and I would make it known. But I, you know, as I got older, I suppressed it a lot. I don't, I don't say anything to him. Like, I never express jealousy. Like he'll be like, oh, you know, I want to go, I want to go over here and even go inside me. I'm like, I don't want him to go because I'm afraid he'd meet somebody or I'm afraid. So what is he doing? Give me an example of something he's doing that's bothering you. Well he won't do it. So for example like he'll be like oh I want to go to a car show and then he'll be like do you want to come and he'll always invite me and I'll be like

uh no that's okay but you can go like just like that you can go and then the time will come or the day will come and I'll be like are you gonna go to go to the car shop? I'll be like, nah, I've changed my mind. So he doesn't do anything. I'll be honest with you, he's a good guy. And he does know about my insecurities because we've been together for like 15 years now. So in the beginning, I was very mature about everything. But now, he knows that I'm way more laid back.

I don't say anything, but it's like in here. So for example, I'll just give you a recent example. We went to a Halloween event and we went with two other people that I don't know and they were friends of a friend. And in my mind, I'm thinking like, does he find this woman attractive? What is he thinking? This is he thinking? Like, this is all in my mind. When we jumped in the car to head back home, we just start talking, because it was an hour drive home. And we just start talking, we're just, you know,

talking shit. And then I'm like, what did you think of the girls that were there? And I named them by their names. And he was like, I mean, they were attractive. And so that right away started making me feel some type of way. And then I'm like, well Well, what did you find attractive about them? Like just just like talking though, you know

He wasn't picking up because I'm really good at kind of like I want to say manipulating But I guess it was manipulating the situation to make him feel like it was okay to talk to me about this And so then he's like, um, oh well to be honest, she had a nice butt. So then that was a stab in my heart. Okay, it was literally a sad and I'm like, Oh, we, you know, he, he chat, let, laughed a little bit. And then onto the next subject. When we got home, he was like, my favorite part of tonight was in the car back home with you all the talking that we did. It was just like, it was my favorite part of the night. And I'm like, Oh, you know, whatever, nothing. But like, then it just kind of like stood in my head. Then I'm obsessing about this girl. I'm looking her up. I'm, you know, trying to see like, what does she look

like? Like, it's just so unhealthy. But he has no idea because I don't act like that in front of him. I'm very nonchalant about it. You know, I don't want him to feel like he's doing anything wrong because he's not, it doesn't go anywhere. It doesn't really do anything. This is me. This is my internal whatever. And let me tell you this, I've tried to listen to podcasts, I've tried meditation, I've tried everything. This particular part of me doesn't grow. Like I can't evolve. I can't grow from just being the 16-year-old me with this insecurity. He'll sometimes say things to me that I feel like he's trying to make me feel better.

But in turn, I switch around in my head. He'll be like, you're always the most beautiful girl in the room, and things like that, Jose know what I'm saying? And then I'll start thinking like, oh, so he is looking at other women and he is judging, you know, like it's just so bad. And I just hate, I hate it, I hate it.

I hate feeling like that. I mean, why are you, why are you, like, I mean, I think you can throw up when you realize it. I don't know. You must get some kind of excitement from it. I get hurt from it. I feel like jabs in my heart and my stomach. Are you guys like, I mean, you said you were together

for 15 years, like maybe, are you guys just, are you bored? No, no, no, no, I'm not, I'm not. I mean, there's nothing like, no, I'm not bored. It's not, because this has been going on since the beginning. I just have changed how I am, how I process that and how I deal with it. Before I used to just be like, Oh, oh, you were looking at her. I saw you looking at her and oh, I saw your eyes turn that way or whatever the case may be. I would confront him. Now I just kind

of be like, I mean, there's going to be attractive people where we go. Like, I can't like help that. You know, we live in a big city. Like, there's gonna be attractive people where we go, like, I can't help that. We live in a big city, like, there's nothing I can do. So I have to come. We all like to be chosen and picked. In fact, I talk to a lot of women, for example, who struggle with chasing men for the sake of validation in order to feel chosen and picked. You just have to change your perspective, I guess.

I mean, one, it sounds like maybe there's some stuff going on inside of you that you haven't worked through. I don't know if you've talked to a therapist about this type of behavior that you've dealt with, but that would be a good place to start. And I would definitely look into that. If you can say, hey, I've always struggled with this, I've always felt this way,

I've kind of always internalized these feelings and gone down these mental rabbit holes, and there is a reason why, and we're not gonna be able to address it on this way, I've kind of always internalized these feelings and gone down these mental rabbit holes. And like there is a reason why, and you know, we're not gonna be able to address it on this call, but I would definitely explore that with a therapist. That being said, you know, like there is an element of like you just have to change your perspective

in a sense that like every day your husband's choosing you. When he chooses not to go to these events, maybe it's, again, he's choosing you. When he's saying, oh, you're the prettiest girl in the room, yeah, maybe he is looking, but he is choosing you. Every day he wakes up and he has the option to look at other women or be with other women, but still, every day comes back and chooses you. I would feel good about your husband

continuing to choose you every day, because honestly, that's what it comes down to in terms of making relationships work. and chooses you. I would feel good about your husband continuing to choose you every day because honestly that's what it comes down to in terms of making relationships work. You're seeing it as, I don't know, something else other than being chosen. But, you know, even- I mean, that's a different perspective

that I've never thought about, but. Yeah, I mean, your big problem is like you're just choosing it to see it in a negative way. Why you're choosing it to see it in a negative way is something I would explore with a therapist if I were you. Because there seems to definitely be a reason why. Obviously we're just not gonna be able to unpack that in a call like this,

but it probably has something to do with your past. Some kind of past trauma with a boyfriend or a parent, I don't know. But it's usually one of those things. But yeah, if you're really tired of it, I would invest in exploring that, you know, because eventually it is gonna cause a rift in your relationship.

Yeah, and not to mention the fact that he's younger than me doesn't help. How much younger? He's six years younger. Okay, you've been together for 15 years. Yeah. Well, you don't look your age, so there you go. You look great. Thank you. Thank you. I appreciate that.

But it's just, I don't know. I hear you talking to other people and I'm like, Oh my God, that's great. Oh my God. That's something I would have said to my friends. And then I'm like, maybe he can. But I know it's like more in here like more in my head than anything but like I also I want to know like what he's thinking and you know it hurts and I don't I don't I don't but but but I do because because I'll be like you like you clearly like torturing yourself you know I've always the brain prefers pain to boredom, and you are getting stimulation off of this. It's preoccupying your mind.

Maybe it's distracting. Maybe you've gotten used to doing this to distract you from other things, but like you were in a way getting off on this, and you are choosing to do nothing about it. If you can point out that this has been a pattern for a long time, and you've done nothing about it, then that's a choice that you're making.

But the reason why I feel like I don't do anything about it is because I feel like I still wonder, and I still wanna know. So even though I didn't do anything about it, I still like, kind of, like I said, I suppress my feelings and just kind of, okay, whatever it is, this is how I feel, and that is what it is.

But like, for example, like I won't bring, you know, people to my house, like females, I won't bring female friends over when he's around. And, and sometimes he'll be like, Oh, your friends coming great, I'm going to leave, I'm going to go to my cousin's house, or I'm going to go, you know, over here. And I just, I don't know if he does it because he senses how I am, or if it's just because he thinks this as an opportunity to get the hell out and go hang out with his cousin and his friends. But I don't know. And I've talked to therapists, actually. I have. I've seen several. And I don't know why, but that's... No, that's what I'm going to say. It's like, I don't know why, but I don't ever bring this up. This is not something that I, it's like I'm ashamed.

I'm embarrassed. I don't, I don't want to talk about it with, you know, somebody and, and yeah, I don't know, like, like, I mean, you know, it's really up to you how much energy and time you want to keep putting into this. Yeah. You're right. You know, also like a therapist, you know, that's why you pay them money to not judge

you, you know, to listen and work through your problems. It's like you can recognize it's a problem. You say you don't want to do it, but it's just like you do it anyways and you don't do anything to change it, you know, but like you're demonstrating behaviors that are just like aren't normal or healthy and it's obviously coming from a place and you have, you should want to do something about it. Yeah. So asking him is not like, I shouldn't be asking him, right? I shouldn't be like, so what did you think of that?

I mean, I don't know. It's different for every couple. Other couples are more secure and feel confident in their relationship and it can be fun. Some couples enjoy talking about what they find attractive in other people and don't feel threatened and can have fun doing that, but it doesn't seem like you can. So if it's triggering for you, it makes you stalk random strangers because he acknowledged some girl has a nice ass.

Again, especially because you asked him to and fucking egged it out of him. But like, you know. I did, but I was like, yeah. Are you checking out other men, which there's no wrong answer, but like, are you projecting your, like how you look at other men

and fantasize about other men into your partner? Or are you doing that? And then assuming he's doing the same thing as you type of thing? I mean, you may be right. I mean, I don't sit there and be like, oh my God, this guy's so fine, but you know. Exactly.

Like you can look at a guy and be like, oh, it's an attractive man. Oh, he's hot, whatever. But like, you don't, what do you, you don't. But that's where I feel like it's different because men are wired differently. So men might. Yeah, I mean, sure, they are wired differently,

but both men and women cheat, sometimes for different reasons, but the stats are pretty clear that it's pretty even. One doesn't cheat more than other. Human beings can be human beings, and human beings can often do shitty things for different reasons. So him being a guy doesn't make him more or less capable

of cheating than the fact that you're a woman Right. Yeah, so I don't think like You know, it's like you have to recognize that like yeah, it's like you choose him So you can look at a guy and be like, oh, he's attractive and and still be like, yeah But you know, there are other people in this world and people are attractive, you know And sometimes it's fun to just acknowledge the obvious and then know that you're securing your relationship that you don't have to be threatened by like walking outside of your house. Right. No, and like, like we used to have, we used to have fun when we were when we were a little younger, we used to play those little games like, oh, you know, drive down, make sure drive and be like, Oh, look at that, whatever. But then like, I don't know if it was maybe too much for me or I don't know. But and I've been really good about everything.

But I think this last, like this Halloween thing that happened kind of brought everything back up. And then and then we were throwing a party and I was like, Oh, you know, or during a party and then I started to over it, like, what are these bitches going to be wearing? And like, I just start like over thinking it. And then I'm just like, you know what it is, it's out of my hands. It's a Halloween party. They can wear whatever the fuck they want. I don't know, you know, what else to do or, you know, and everything was fine. Like nothing. Are you and your husband connecting? You know, like, are you bonding? Are you like having setting? Like, what are you guys doing to stay connected and to reinforce the love and affection that is or isn't in your relationship?

Yeah. I think we have a good relationship. We do things probably that may seem boring to other people. We watch Love Island or we'll watch like shows together and that's great. But are you connecting when you do those things? Like are when you're are, you know, when you're being intimate, are you setting aside time to connect and be intentional about connecting, caressing each other, talking intimately about things like, you know, watching TV together is nice, but it's not really connecting. No, well, I feel like, I mean, that's true. But, you know, we do, we do. We talk a lot. I think we're now, now we are more connected than we've ever been, as far as like in our relationship. We're, I think at our peak right now, we've been really good. We, you know, we do fight and back or whatever like everybody but nothing crazy like I would consider

to be my... I think I'm a lucky person. I know that it's rough out there. So I feel like I'm a lucky girl to have him and I feel like we do have a great relationship. There's no complaints. Intimately, nothing. We make sure that we make time for each other, we go out on dates, we, you know, no. We, that is true. Like, I can't complain about that. It's just, like I said, it's just like it's in my head. Like I'm ruining it for us. He doesn't even know it because I don't bring it to him. I don't like tell him.

Maybe you should, I don't know. Like, you need to talk about it with someone other than me. And I would. Right. I mean to talk about it with someone other than me. And I would... Right. I mean, the short and obvious answer is, if I were you, I would look into a therapist to talk about why you do and feel the way you do and why you look to create unnecessary drama

in your relationship, because that's what you're doing. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. And if you can acknowledge it, then you can change it. Yeah, I know this is an issue for me. But as you've stated, you've known it's an issue for a long time, and you've done nothing about it. No, I've never done it, and even, and I don't know why, like maybe during therapy,

I just, I don't know why I never brought it up. I just, I feel embarrassed. Well, who cares? It doesn't matter. At this point, forget about it. Water under the bridge, wasted money. But if I were you, I would get a therapist, I'd walk into that meeting and say, this is why I'm here. I've been struggling with this specific problem.

I'd like to understand why. I'd like to work on my own insecurities and find out why I, in some level, create unnecessary drama in my life or why I tend to self-sabotage, but I'm constantly feeling jealous and I'm looking to, I'm starting fights in a way. It doesn't turn into a fight mostly because it seems like your husband doesn't engage in it

and at least you know enough not to go there, but in your mind, you're fighting. You shouldn't be stalking random women's Instagram the way you are for the reasons that you are. And that's creating drama in your mind. It was one person. Doesn't matter. One too many.

But I'm sure you could give me other examples of things that you have done that I would be like, why are you doing that? So that's really the point. So that's what I would do. And I wouldn't just that I would be like, why are you doing that, right? So that's really the point. So that's what I would do. And I wouldn't just walk in and be like, hey, so I just thought I'd jump into therapy for fun or because or whatever,

and just someone to shoot the shit with. But like, which should be fine too, but like you have a very specific reason and something you wanna work on. And if I were you, that's what I would do. Because you've tried to do it on your own, you can't you haven't you know and that's okay because if you don't change it eventually you know it will start causing problems yeah no I will it has before in the past but I just I know it's not anyone's fault

really but his I try to just you know I hope that was a little bit helpful, but I think this is a matter of perspective. I think you have to challenge yourself to not go down those rabbit holes. You have to, you know, with or without a therapist, you could, if you can acknowledge that you should know better then you can choose not to do the things. You can choose to not look up this person.

You can say, hey, like you cannot give in to your intrusive thoughts or your weak feelings, you know. You can. You can choose. And then you can talk to a therapist to figure out why you have these feelings in the first place or why it's so hard for you to follow through. Yeah, I will. Okay. Well, keep us posted, letting us know how it goes. I'd be curious what you learn. Thank you so much. All right, take care.

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How's it going? Great. My name is Hannah. I am 24 and I'm not sure if I made a mistake getting back together with my boyfriend. Okay. It's usually not great that you're wondering. I mean, I would agree with that.

When did you break up and when did you get back together? So we broke up about a year and a half ago. So we had been dating for about a year and a half at that point. We broke up for about six months and then I moved. Yeah. And then we got back together. So it's been about a year now that we've been together again. And have you been feeling this doubt for the better part of a year

or has that crept up recently? I would say that when we first got back together, I was honestly not a hundred percent sure, but I think a lot of what I had been asking for when, which led to the breakup I was seeing. So logically it almost made sense because like I saw that he was putting in the work, like he was never willing to go to therapy before, but as soon as we broke up, it was like he started going to therapy, he started really connecting with his friends

and doing things that I had like asked for and he was really attentive and cared so much about me. And so I saw like all of that there. And then, but I kind of had like a, I'm not really sure if this is the right thing, but I felt like almost like I would lose him if I didn't get back together because he had been putting in so much of the work over those six months to get into a place where like I trusted him again and then the last year collectively

I think that some of that effort has worn off which I mean I know that that can happen in a relationship, but the biggest thing is that I moved across the country to move in with him. Um, and like, this is the third big move that I've made in the last three years. So you got back together and then moved across the country for him. A year later. Yeah. So a lot of effort there.

And when we were moving, when I was moving across the country, he did not help with that move at all. I paid for everything. I did the move myself. I did it with me and a friend and moved everything into the apartment, found the apartment, helped with all of it. And the effort was not there as much as I would have liked to see. Do you live by yourself or with him? I live with him. So now we moved in together. When you moved across the country, you immediately moved in with them? Correct.

Yep. And you found the apartment? I found the apartment. We live with another couple and I found them as well. So it's been a lot of effort on my side over the last few years. You guys live with another couple? Correct. What's that like? That's unique.

It's honestly been, yeah, I know. I mean, we're young and we're in a really big city, so it's expensive, but they're incredible and I love them. And it's honestly been really nice to see another couple that's like our age and almost like we've been together around the same time as well. So it's kind of like a direct comparison if you will. So seeing how they like interact versus like how we do is like definitely been, been interesting.

Okay. So I guess at the end of the day, why are you feeling this doubt about your relationship or specifically your boyfriend? When we first broke up, like I guess a little bit more context there, I was like, he's a year and a half younger than me, we met in college and we were doing long distance and every two to three weeks I was driving like 17 hours to go see him back when he was finishing up college and I or I'd be flying and I put in a lot of work there and I kind of understood it then because he was finishing up school.

And then he just like wasn't really super appreciative. He didn't care as much. And then I think that now like, it's been kind of that same energy. And I just feel like maybe I was mistaken to get back with him because like, maybe he hadn't been, hadn't changed enough upon like getting back together or like during that time we were separated. Yeah. I mean, no one changes that much in that short period of time. So there is just that kind of rule of thumb.

Silver lining, I mean, I guess you could look at it as, your boyfriend's still relatively young and you never wanna have to like break up with someone to get them to like respond, but not everyone responds the way you want them to when you decide to leave. And then, you're right, sometimes you get back together,

things will fade. I think the big, that always happens, right? Like whether you break up or not, but like there are, again, periods of connecting with your partner. Sometimes there are periods of feeling disconnected. The big question is, you know, if you start feeling disconnected with your boyfriend again,

and you bring up, hey, just feeling a little disconnected and whatever the reasons, is he,, is he more willing to listen and respond rather than you having to threaten to break up again? But that being said, my question to you right now is, is your doubts more about him doing or not doing things you want, or is it generally how you feel about him? Or are you starting to question,

it's like, I don't know, I'm 24. Is this really my guy? Is this really my future? You know, like, and you're just telling yourself it's more, you know, like you're kind of making excuses and putting on him or as opposed to, if you're more honest with yourself, is this like, I don't know, do I really love this guy

the way, you know, or maybe you want to, you know what I'm saying? Like we're deep down, what do you think is driving this doubt? I think that a lot of it is that, like I think that, you know, him being someone who comes from like a very like stable family and I don't come from a stable of a family

and him like having all these things, like boxes that he kind of checks, but also like not really seeing him like love me the way that I feel like I need to be loved as much like I've had those conversations like when I put in a ton of effort, he's not putting in that as well. So I'm almost feeling like for someone who checks all these boxes as a person, like I think I should be feeling more or like getting more. And I also like, I guess I'm just like, feeling, okay, if this is the best that I can do, I'm not as happy as I wish that I could be. And you

know, I feel so loved and cared about from like my friends and they've like, you know, helped me move across the country. And they have been by my side when things get hard a lot of the time. And he has other priorities. He focuses on work so much. He does all these things that yes, are good and great, but I'm almost like I've explained to him so many times at the end of the day, I'm the one that is going to be there for you when you succeed. So I'd love if you were there for me when I'm struggling or when I'm trying to do these things for our relationship. I'm moving our relationship forward and I almost just feel like he's not seeing this as an investment the same way that he sees like his work as an investment or like going to the gym as an investment, you know, like it's not the same.

And I think I do try really hard to like be a good girlfriend. And I put in a lot of work to our relationship that I feel like he doesn't like appreciate. But just because it's like there and it kind of is working for him, he doesn't feel like he needs to put in that effort. Um, because it's just kind of working as is. So I think that I just like, feel like I'm not getting, what do you think, what are the things that you're doing that you feel like he's not appreciating? I mean, for one, I mean, moving across the country, putting in all of that work and him not being anywhere and just kind of showing

up at his new apartment with everything moved in. Did you express that frustration? Oh, absolutely. And what was his response? I mean, I told him like, well, during the move, like the actual move while I was moving that like I was really disappointed that he couldn't prioritize like coming and helping me at least a little bit. And there was ways that even with him not physically being there, that he could have helped,

like knowing that I hadn't like eaten all day or like knowing that I hadn't, you know, like that I was struggling with like, you know, finding a good gas station or something, like he could have helped in other ways. And then the other thing is during that whole move, he asked me for another favor on top of that. So it's like almost like not really empathizing with the

whole how much work I've put into that. And in that particular situation, did you express your expectations explicitly or did you hope that he would meet your expectations without communicating them? See, I think that looking back on it, I think I could have done a better job of saying, hey, if you could show up for me in this way, like I'd really appreciate it. But at the same time, like there was, and I don't think I held that against, I still don't think I hold that necessarily against him. But I do think that like during the move, there were certain things that I was like, hey, like we're trying, I'm trying to, I found a place. Here's the like all of the details. I need you to send me this for like the security deposit, for example." And like he couldn't just like send that I was trying to get everything

lined up for him. And it was like, I need to go talk to like my mom or I need to go and like do this thing. And it was very like reading or like not being super helpful or supportive. And it just felt like a lot of resistance, which I do think in general, it's like if I do set expectations with him, I'm almost like always a little bit disappointed. So I think I just like try to take things on myself. But I think in this move, like not all of it I can say is like his fault, but the way that he's responded to it since,

it just like maybe wasn't like what I was looking for either. Gotcha. Okay. Question, what are your relationship and life goals, life goals, including potential career goals and things like that. And what are his relationship and life goals that you're aware of? As of today, you know, I'm curious.

I'm curious about, and the way I'm, the reason why I'm asking this question is I'm curious if you guys are in the same stage of life. I would say that we're pretty in similar stages of life. The only like, so, so yeah, we both are like starting our career. I have like two jobs. I work as like a wedding photographer and I also work like a full nine to five. So pretty busy like throughout the week and as a T.

Um, but I would say that like, I care a lot more about building relationships and friendships and more working to live rather than living. I'm not trying to just have a job and have that be my whole life. I think that he's more willing to put in that now. Then looking for the future, I feel like I'm very kind of... I don't know if I want children and he does want to have children, but I think I could be convinced.

But I just think that if I'm with a partner who I have to be the project manager for or almost be more of the mom and make sure that things are lined up, I just feel really uneasy about bringing a child into the world. And I think that that's something that stresses me out, getting into three years in a relationship with someone I know it's not that long. And I also know that I'm only 24. But at the same time, it's like if you're in a serious relationship, and they're interested in having children, like someday, that might be the case. So I kind of like look at him and I'm like, okay, are you stepping

up for me in the way that like I would potentially need if I brought a child into this world? So I do think that there's a huge difference there. But I think it's also just like, you know, I didn't have like the super stable family growing up. So I think that I'm a little bit more hesitant for the whole kid situation. How much does he still rely on mom and dad? Honestly, like he comes from an extremely wealthy family. And I had, I was like, grew up in poverty.

So he still relies on them for a lot of things just because they will give it to him. And he like calls his dad all the time for like advice on work or to like calls his dad all the time for like advice on work or to like get his like resume checked or to like for a job interview for connections and he's they his parents still pay for his groceries. And that's like something that like he's like, well, if they're gonna do it, like might as well take advantage of it. And I have always been so independent that I think it like there's nothing I guess wrong with it, but it definitely is like a, it's a little bit tough for me to like not be independent in some ways like that.

You're 24, he's a year and a half younger than you, so he's like 22 and a half, right? That's super young for a guy these days. In general, men are maturing slower than women. Men have always matured slower than women. And I just think in 2024, we're expecting a lot less, I think of young adults in general and specifically men. So, and there's exceptions to every role and maybe your boyfriend's one of them. That being said, it's just like, if you're gonna date a younger man as a 24 year old woman,

I think you need to be willing to be very good at stating your expectations rather than hoping they meet your expectations. And I think we all, it's like, listen, and we all want to, we don't wanna be the nag, and we don't have to wanna tell people we wanna do things, and we want them to want to do things for us. Are you his first girlfriend, first serious girlfriend?

So there's a little bit of learning here on his end if, you know, it's his first type of thing. So there is that. Now that doesn't mean you need to do that, so to speak, but you know, you gotta kind of ask yourself kind of what you want now and where you want to go, so to speak. A lot of the things that you're expressing, I think it just are kind of normal Feelings, but you know, I mean do you love them kind of thing and in your heart? Do you feel like you really care about this man and love them or are you comfortable with them? I mean there also must be a draw of him coming from a rich family. There's that I mean, I don't know No, I mean, he's I think that he, if you look at him on paper and in general,

like you're like, wow, like what a cool guy. And I do think that I like, I mean, I know that I love him for, you know, being with him for three years and all these things we've done a lot together. I will say though, that like, there's so much that I feel like we, not even like butt heads on. And I get like, I do completely,

listening to your show all the time, like I know that I'm like, okay, okay next gonna say that like he's he's 23 he's younger than you like he's not mature like I get all of that but it's like he he has shown efforts like in spurts where it's like okay yeah he he's saying what I like I'm setting expectations he's doing those things for a few months right he kind of falls back into this like almost being lazy with it or thinking that I'm just going to still be there. And I get that but it's almost like, I don't know if I truly feel super like love like sure I might say that I love him but it's like I don't feel loved because I have to keep nagging. And I do think that it's like after three years like some of the foundation of like, hey, this is I get that like setting expectations is so important. But like, I do think I am someone who over communicates rather than under communicates. And I do think that it's like a situation where, like, I do love him, I do see that like, there's so many, yeah, it's obviously having like, like a rich family, having that stability is something that I never had. And I think in some ways, because I have had no relationship models, it's like, is this normal that, you know, it's so hard for us to have a conversation without it like becoming an argument. Like

he literally said recently that, like, he doesn't really see the point of having a conversation if it's if we're not like arguing about something. I'm like, what does that even mean? So it's tough to like talk about things that I care about or that I'm passionate about, because he's like, it'll cut the conversation almost and just like, you know, talk about work or things that he's interested in. So it's like, sort of like, are these things normal or am I just being kind of in my head about like, okay, why did maybe I don't know

what a healthy relationship looks like. And maybe it's like, because of how I grew up that I don't think that this is how it should feel. What are you arguing about? Well, for example, there was a conversation around parental leave, which I think that, I'd be interested to hear your take on too, but like it came up that, you know, father should,

I asked him basically like, how long do you think that men should go on parental leave? And he said, well, my dad only took three weeks. And I said, well, I think that like, at least like, you know, a few months or until like your wife is in a better position to like, when she doesn't need you anymore or when she's feeling comfortable, then you can go. Especially if you're in a financial position to do that, I think that you should be able

to prioritize how your wife is or literally the mother of your child is feeling. He was just arguing for the sake of arguing and I was like hey like you know that I'm kind of like on the fence about having children and this is one of those conversations that we've had. Back up for a second. What do you mean by you think he was arguing for the sake of arguing? Why do you say that? He does that like he does that like a lot where like I'll say hey like I didn't think that this joke that you made about like women or something was that funny? And like, can you explain specifically to this, specifically this argument?

I just mean like you asked him a question about parental leave, right? And it sounds like that created some kind of disconnect between the two of you. Like, and you mentioned like, was he joking? Like, I guess I want to stay on. I think that, yeah, I think that he was, he was like, he wasn't joking in that situation. I think he was genuinely just being like, well, I don't really see the point of maybe doing the whole like longer parental leave. Like maybe he didn't understand his role.

So I was like, hey, like let's have a conversation about it. Right. Like I was kind of like, hey, like, yeah. I mean, I'm nitpicking here, I guess, but yeah, I feel like you both played a role in that disconnect, right? Like, so, you know, I get why you asked your boyfriend that makes sense.

You know, it's like, here's my boyfriend. You've been dating for three and a half years. You guys know you're young, but you know, I'm sure for you 24 feels old because you've never been 24 before, you know, and relatively speaking, right? You know, you ask him a question, what he thinks about a topic that he quite honestly doesn't even probably even have that strong of opinion.

His answer was to give you what he knows best, you know, kind of his role model, his hero is his dad. So his answer makes a lot of sense. I don't know, my dad did this, you know, my dad's a pretty good dad. I feel like I had a good childhood, so that's what I would do. You know, my dad did this. My dad's a pretty good dad. I feel like I had a good childhood, so that's what I would do.

Times have changed. I also think honestly, questions like those in the position that you two are in are honestly, they're only gonna create fights. You guys aren't family planning. You don't even know if you wanna have kids. No, I understand to a certain level these are types of questions that maybe you wanna ask

to see what kind of partner they are. And then everyone's situate, you don't know what position you guys will be in. I run a company. I don't get vacation days or parental leave or things like that of a lot of people. No, I pride myself on being a very attentive husband and father, but I didn you know, I didn't like leave,

I didn't like leave work for a month. I did a lot of work leading up to try to like, give a leave myself and taking time off. I also have, you know, I can come and go, I guess on some level when I please, but like I was able to still get work done and still be there for my wife and baby early on. But it's not, I, you know.

So everyone's situation's different. I think what you're looking for is the reassurance that like you will have a partner that will sit down with you at whatever time you guys need to sit down and figure out what you two need for whatever those needs are. And that you feel

comfortable and safe to say, hey, I need this right now. And then you're, I'm guessing, looking for you know, a response. It's like at the end of the day, babe, I want to do what you need me to do. You guys are getting into like a debate. And honestly, when I was 22, 23, 24, I got into a lot of those types of fights with my girlfriends at those times. And, you know, but part of it honestly is you guys, you know, not to sound, like you guys are, it's part of growing up, you know,

you guys are figuring things out. You're still at a relatively young age. Sometimes you kind of have to have, sometimes these arguments and discussions are kind of normal, you know, to a certain extent. No, and that's so true. Like I like completely hear you on that. And I think that that's like something that I've been really working on or just like trying to facilitate more

of those conversations because you're so right. Like if I'm just like asking him a question that he has no idea about the same thing. If you ask me a question about like sports, I don't have a good answer for it's like, I'm not going to sound great. And I'm going to be honestly listening to him to like hear his perspective, maybe because I could learn something. And that's kind of like, maybe how I felt like that conversation could have gone. But I mean, other things like, like if I am bringing up, like, I don't know if you remember like the whole Gabby Petito situation, she like passed away.

Like her, her like husband murdered her basically. And this was something that was happening during the pandemic. And I remember talking to him about this. And it was something that I was really interested in. And I was like, hey, there are so many things that could have been changed in this process. And I think it's so important to pay attention to current events and these things that happen to women.

Because you could prevent it. If you saw any of these things that happened, and he's like, you should really not be reading into those things. You shouldn't be paying attention to those things. Like that all that stuff is like scary and messing with your head. And I'm like, hey, like I think it's important

to care about women, especially someone who's like passed away. And so like that is something that like things that I really do care about or things that I'm like, hey, like let's have a conversation about this because I'm feeling it. He likes to shut those down. And I think that that's like maybe where that like, oh, arguing for the sake of arguing that feeling came

from, you're right that maybe it wasn't that. But I definitely think that there is that energy a lot when we were having these conversations rather than like, you know, just just like listening to for the sake of listening. Yeah. In that Gabby story, I guess if you could remember, like what what kind of response were you hoping for? Like what would have been the I think, I think that it was more like what what kind of response were you hoping for like what would have been the pricing? I think that it was more like to listen and to hear and be like, oh my gosh

Like that's that's like that that is terrible or oh my gosh, like that's yeah, that is crazy Wow I feel like there is like a lot of like kind of having a conversation about like these different parts that could have you know Gone better for her being like, oh, yeah, like wow, like we should be more aware of those things I do think it sounds like maybe I don't think you're deliberately trying to test him, but it does seem like sometimes you create up conversations that like, it sounds like he maybe not know what to say, or what type of what you're looking for. And then he doesn't give you the response that you want, then you react to that. and then he's kind of trying to shut down the conversation.

He's like, what are we even talking about here? And I feel, again, when I was your age, I did have a lot of those debates and conversations. So I think part of it is, you know, one, I think it's somewhat normal. I think you guys are both kind of learning, you know, it's your early and dating. You're trying to get to,

this is kind of how you guys get to know each other, but your thoughts and feelings are gonna evolve. I'm not sure exactly. Yeah, I could see, I could see if I were to be able to like watch this conversation again, where I could see a world where I was like, hey, I could see maybe you shouldn't have said it that way.

And then maybe I could have a note for him or whatever and things like that. My guess is you both are both playing a role into these kind of arguments that really don't impact you guys all that much, it sounds like, directly. No, I like hear what you're saying. And I definitely think that you're probably right about like the testing.

Cause I do think that there're probably right about like the testing because I do I do think that there is like a lot of like me not maybe feeling as like Appreciated on the day-to-day or just like in general maybe not feeling as loved and so maybe it is kind of like me being like Hey, like in this conversation something that I care about like this is me showing you that I care about something like how are you? Responding because I'm the day-to-day. It's like maybe I don't feel as cared about or like I've heard however, I do think that like you you're, you're, you're right, and that I probably am like testing things more than I should. And I guess like, Mike, I guess maybe a question to you

is like, if you were to go back to when you were 24, and having these conversations with like, your partners, how would you facilitate those conversations? Or really like, not like testing, but like, how do you, how do you know? And how do you know if it's not like not like testing but like how do you how do you know and how do you know if it's not just like we're so different that maybe this like won't work or if it's like you know or maybe maybe we do care about each other but how do we like cut the bullshit kind of and get to to what really matters um and to connect because that's really i think what i'm looking for is like the connection right what does i mean that's the thing you got

to ask yourself what does really matter to you? You know, Nali and I, like we don't, we care about what's in front of us. We care about our daughter, we care about our connection, we care about our families. Neither of us are very political. She can do what she wants type of thing, you know? And I think we're pretty aligned as well,

but at the same time, I just like, I just know as a young man, I cared about a lot of things that I, I don't give a fuck about now. It's like I have an opinion, and I think there's a difference, I think you realize this as you get older, there's a difference between having an opinion

about something and caring about something. I can have an opinion about anything. And I'm pretty good at having a strong opinion. And I can give a pretty hot take about opinion about anything. And I'm pretty good at having a strong opinion. And I can give a pretty like hot take about kind of anything. But caring, keeping it with me, hanging onto it, needing to be right, wanting to have an argument with people,

making sure people hear my point of view. I mean like 95% of the things I quote unquote cared about or more accurately wasted my energy on because I wanted to be right or I felt like I needed to be heard. And I just, I don't give a fuck anymore because it really doesn't show up at my front door. And I don't mean to sound like selfish, but yeah, you get older, you care about your family, you care about what's really your day-to-day problems, your immediate concerns. Part of you kind of, as two, I say single,

but you two only really have yourselves to care about. And so when you're young, you can have the benefit and the time to care about other things that really don't impact your life all that much. So I think part of it, what sounds like a lot what you are feeling and going through with your boyfriend is generally normal. I don't really have an answer for you

whether it sounds like this is your guy or not. I will say in general, I think men, as you know, are not as good as multitasking as women. True. And I think, you know, even though society definitely accepts, and quite honestly, there are gonna be more and more women in the workforce than men just because women are being college educated at a much faster pace than men these days. That being said, I still think there's a natural need for men to figure their shit out

before they can really be focused on their relationships and things like that. I've always had the intent of being a great partner, but I think I am capable of being a much better partner now because I am not trying to figure out what I should be doing with my life. And now my, I mean, I spend a lot of my energy and time focused on work, but the motivation is for my family. And so even me going to work and working has a purpose

that I didn't have. When I was younger, my purpose was like, I was trying to make my dreams come true and I didn't even know what my dreams were. And I was trying to make a certain amount of money because I thought I should, but I didn't really have a purpose or a focus or a goal. And that felt very unsettling for me.

And so a lot of my energy went towards that. I always wanted to have a girlfriend. I often did have a girlfriend in my twenties, but you know, and quite honestly, sometimes I felt like I spent too much energy focused on relationships where I maybe could have spent more energy focused on my career. And I think it is harder for people your guys' age

to try to do both, honestly, especially this day and age. 30 years ago, you two would already be engaged or married and you guys would kind of figure your shit out, right? But now we don't expect that of our 20-year-olds these days. Our 20-year-olds, we're telling them, all right, now that you graduated from college, now is your kind of time to travel and be selfish, try a couple different jobs, maybe in a couple different careers.

And when you're 30, hopefully you have yourself figured out whether it's your career or what you want to do with your family. And I think that's kind of the generalized societal expectation that we have. And so, and him coming from a wealthy, accomplished family, he probably has a little bit more pressure to do that as well. You know, so there's that he's, you know, facing and dealing with. Maybe the answer to your question is to maybe you don't need to figure it out right now. You don't know if you want to have kids. So like your biological clock maybe isn't as ticking as loud as maybe other women your age who are 100% certain.

You know, at the same time, you know, I think your big concern is like, you don't wanna, like you want a boyfriend, you don't want a boy who's a friend kind of thing. You know? You know, but. Or just a roommate or just a, yeah. And on one end, you have to recognize that your boyfriend, it's his first relationship,

and there is some training. On the flip side, you don't wanna be his mom. So, you know, there's no clear answer for you. You know, sorry, I don't need you being all that helpful. No, not at all. Yeah. I mean, I think that that is helpful. And I mean, I think that it's positive that I mean I think that it's I think it's positive that like

We've been able to manage to make it back for like three years and whatever blah blah And I think that we like still have some of that like fight in us I mean, I know that I I do but I think that like this moving across the country and doing all these things for someone It's like kind of like it does does feel like big things, right? And I just almost feel like for the big, like for the things that we have done together, and yes, we're still young, but it feels very like, significant, it just feels like this should be someone

that I am like willing to go to the end with, and it's almost like those conflicting feelings of like, we're doing all these big things, but I'm almost feeling like, whoa. I, you know, and I think you could find those moments where you could challenge him in a way that doesn't feel emasculating or condescending. You know, but like the move is a perfect example.

Like either you, what you could have done is one, upfront been like, hey, I really need your help here. I'm moving for you, quite honestly, across the country. So as you started looking, you could say, hey, I want you to be more involved in this. Can we do this together? So that could have been something you guys could have done together, shared that experience.

He didn't do that, and you didn't communicate that. So the second best option were for you to have been like, hey man, I was really bummed that we didn't do this together. And then this is where the quote unquote, like challenging him is like, you know, listen, like I love that your dad is your role model. And I think it's great that you have someone like that to go to for advice, but like, I want to see you like,

step up for us and for me and be there for yourself and take the initiative and like, you know, challenge him to grow up a little bit sometimes. You don't want to say grow up, but- Well, 100 percent. I will say adding onto the move, because there was me moving stuff into his studio apartment for me moving across the country into his studio apartment,

me finding the apartment, and then there was the second move where he did come back here. I scheduled the movers, and at that point I had that conversation with him saying like I really wish if you like that you had stepped up like this was really hard for me and he like acknowledged that I did put in a lot of work with that but then when the movers came and like I had scheduled that he decided to like halfway through that process he like was like okay I need to go to the gym and I need to like study for this like interview that he had coming up at the end of the week like it wasn't super pressing and it was only one day but again it was kind of like a I do

want to say that like I appreciate how hard working he is and I do appreciate like all of that but at the the same time, it is like that was a moment, I think, during the move where I was like, Okay, I, you didn't have to go to the gym. And also, you could have waited till like the next day to maybe prepare for this, for this interview. And I mean, he didn't get the, unfortunately, he did not get the job. And it was more of like an info session or an informational interview, rather than there was a job that he could have gotten. And so it just kind of was like, OK, this is losing a few points with me.

So that was disappointing. But I do agree that there is probably smaller things than that, like on the day to day, that it's like, hey, can you step up and do this, rather than waiting for these big things where there's very high emotions. And obviously, it's like, hey, can you like step up and do this rather than waiting for these big things where there's like very high emotions. And obviously it's like both of our first times like moving in with someone. So like, I get that it's tough to test someone

in those high stress situations, but it definitely is also like telling, I guess for me, like if something really bad were to happen in the future, I immediately go to like the big things that have we've like gone through together. And I'm like, did he step up for me? Not really. Um, and I guess it's just like, it is like setting expectations is important. Yes. But I also think like if, if it was me, I wouldn't need the expectations.

I just would want to do it. And I like wouldn't have to be asked. I know and he's not me. But that's a tough thing. Well, it's not that tough. We just have to recognize that, I would do this isn't like a measuring stick. I mean, you can, you might have different love languages, you might have different personalities, you could be more extroverted or introverted than him,

yada yada, like you're different people. You come from different family backgrounds, that's significant, especially in terms of like how you guys would handle yourself in different situations. I'm guessing you probably had to be a lot more independent a lot earlier in life than he ever had to, right? And he's a very privileged young man who like, his parents decided to,

paying for your 22 year old son's groceries is definitely a choice. And it's a choice his parents are making. And I guess if they can afford to pay for his groceries, his whole life, you know, true, but like that's a choice. It's a choice that I don't think I'll be making for my daughter. I very much am grateful of the childhood I had. And that childhood included my parents getting by. And I, at a very early age,

I understood that my parents would do their very best to get me what I needed, and they did a great job of that. But things I wanted, I had to get a job, even as an eight or nine year old, to buy whatever it was. And so I understood the value of need versus want. Wouldn't shock me if your boyfriend struggles with that because a lot of the things that he's wanted and needed, his parents have always kind of helped him out,

and he's never, you know. And that's really, that's, and maybe his parents still did a great job of teaching a work ethic in him. It sounds like he's a pretty motivated young man. It's like there's different, different, there's a lot of different good and parenting styles, but. Right. Over simplify, like he's a pretty motivated young man. It's like there's a lot of different good and parenting styles, but to oversimplify,

there's a part of me when I'm hearing you talk, I hear someone who like, quite honestly, you might be better matched with someone who is a little bit more further along in life in their maturity, specifically around relationships. That doesn't mean that you should break up with your boyfriend and go find a 30 year old man. It just means that like, you might then need to recognize that and stop trying

to have that type of relationship with the person you're with. You have to accept on some level that the person you're choosing to be in a relationship with is a little younger than you. It's his first relationship. So regardless of his age, he's inexperienced. And you have to stop trying to get him to play catch up, so to speak. And you have to accept where he is to a certain level, you know, and you're going to have to find that balance between challenging him to step up, grow up and mature versus accepting that you're dating a 22 year old man who's fresh out of college incredibly early in his, in his career, may not be entirely sure what's he, what he wants to do with

his career. And you know, that's taking a lot of his emotional energy and time. And you might have to give up a little bit of expectations, I guess, in a way. It doesn't mean you should put up with bullshit or feel disrespected, but you're gonna have to find that balance, so to speak. And the good news is, since you're not sure you wanna that balance, so to speak. And the good news is, since you're not sure you wanna have kids, like I said,

it's not like you're like, hey, I wanna have kids by the time I'm 26, which would've been a normal feeling. And I might say, hey, maybe this is not your guy. No, and that's true. There's no pressure figuring it out now. Yeah. I appreciate that. I think that it's good to take a step back and realize that it doesn't need to be figured

out right now. And while being with someone for three years and moving across the country does seem significant, it's like there's still many more years before I'd ever want to actually get married or think about having children seriously. So it doesn't really matter. and I'm also, yeah. My biggest thing for you is, is your boyfriend willing to adapt and grow as you as his partner?

Or is he constantly resistant to evolving? How set in his ways is he? Is he willing to, from time to time, for various reasons, sit down with you and decide as a couple ways you guys wanna grow as both individuals and as a couple? Does he go to you? Are you a confidant?

Or is it always his dad? Are you growing that connection? I would focus more on that rather than like giving him like that's a very like interview question. Give him a situation, ask him how you would respond. What would you do in this situation? You know? Like, oh fuck man. Yeah. No. I mean that's that's true. I mean I do think that like he respects his dad's or some other guys like opinions maybe more than mine. But I do think he comes to me with things. He might not listen to that,

but I think it's also just like- So it depends on what the topic is. Sure, yeah. I do think that there is some willingness to grow and learn, but he is very, very routine more than I am. I do think that I like accommodate that so much more than he would accommodate what I want to do.

But at the same time, I think I'm like way more confident in my like independence, but like that kind of almost like doesn't bring us together, right? Like if he's very kind of stuck in his ways and does his thing, but I'm also okay with just doing my own thing. Like it kind of separates us. So I think that like moving forward for sure,

I would love to figure out ways to like bridge that and connect more because instead of us just doing everything that he wants to do or me just doing it by myself, like I'd love for us to do things that we could compromise on and do together. So that's like- Who likes who more? Do you think he ever questions his relationship with you?

I, okay. I mean, this is, I feel this all the time and I'm very confused by it because I do think I care more. But I feel like he doesn't, I feel like he could like me. I mean, I don't know, Nick, I honestly feel like he, I don't know if he loves me as much as he could, but I also think I'm the only thing that he has to compare love to,

so I'm sure he loves me more than not, I don't know. Do you know, I mean, and- It's hard to say. I know he wants to compare love to, so I'm sure he loves me more than not, I don't know. Do you know, I mean, and- It's hard to say. I know he wants to have kids someday, but do you know, not that his answers really matters, but like, is he someone who's like, yeah, I wanna get married when I'm 30? Or is he like, trying to get married soon?

Yeah, like that's- Well, that's a long time away from him. I think he wants to be like a, right, like I think he wants to be like a younger dad, but like, by 30 or something, or like, right, like, I think he wants to be like a like a younger dad, like, by 30, or something, or like, whatever. Because our parents are older. But at the same time, like, I think that there's so much that needs to happen before then. And I keep telling him to like, the reason why he has such an a

wonderful dad is because he also has a wonderful mom that was able to do everything at home while like his dad went out to work. And like the reason why he's had like such a good childhood is because he had two great parents that were great support systems for each other and understood that balance. And I think that his dad would not have been able to go to work as much as he did if he didn't have an incredible mom holding down the house and things like that. And I'm never going to be someone who would want to be a stay at home mom all the time. But I also like have a lot of my own like business ventures

and things that I wanna do independently. So I could like do some more of that, but I definitely think it's like when you're with a man, in my opinion, you have a child, it's like that man is responsible for protecting your independence more than anyone else. And I think that's like what gives me some fear is like when I become a mother, like if I do someday, like my husband or the father of my child is like going to be the one who gets to protect my independence. And if he

can't fight for that, I get a little bit nervous. But you're so right. Like we are so young, and I don't think he's really thinking about that. But I like think about it a lot, just because like, I had to grow up very quickly. And I was very independent. And I think that it a lot just because like I had to grow up very quickly and I was very independent and I think that that like gives me fear but at the same time it's like not pressing like you said and the biological clock maybe with the right person I would want to have kids or maybe someday like with maturity he could be that person but there's also adoption and there's also other options in the future as well so. It is something you want to make sure you're aligned on.

I don't think it's that important right now, but. And what, and you have a good relationship with his parents. How close are you with his mom? His mom is tough. So we have like, we've kind of gone back and forth. I think she's like the hardest person that I've like had to like win over. But like we've gotten dinner like a couple of times

and we've talked like sometimes and I'll like send her pictures from time to time but like she definitely doesn't like treat me like a Like a like a daughter or anything, but also like I don't have a great relationship with my mom. So like the whole like Mother situation is like a little bit tough and maybe I'm it's like me not interacting with her all that well But like I get along with all of his aunts and his dad really well and his sister. So like I'm pretty, I've gone on family vacations with them at this point. So she likes me enough to allow me to go to those things. In summary, I don't know.

I'm not hearing me like, yeah, definitely break up with this guy or anything like that. Good. Yeah. I think rather than giving him situational questions that sound like almost like a test, maybe instead of asking him things that you guys could do as a couple to stay and be connected, or set goals for each other for your relationship and make sure they're reasonable.

I like that. You know, whatever those goals are, you know, as long as you guys are working towards something, you know, and again, if you're both showing a willingness to grow together, that's a good sign for this relationship, especially with you guys both being young. If you're constantly butting heads at like some core differences that you have, and neither are you willing to budge,

maybe you're not as compatible as you want to be, and maybe it's just like, you're just different people, but you won't want to check in. You being his girl, there's definitely gonna reach a point where he's gonna question if you're, if there's other fish in the sea. There's definitely a possibility. Well, I'm looking forward to that.

I'd like for him to question that because I want it to be chosen for being me, not just because I'm the only option, you know? Like I would like for him to choose me. Did you guys date in your breakup? No, I mean, no, he, no, we both, we both really did not. And he focused a lot more on like, I, yeah, that's kind of what I thought too.

I wish that he had. Well, you seem to have a generally. Like I have dated other people. Yeah, good outlook on it. I think maybe you might be overthinking a bit. It sounds like some of the relationship problems you guys have are fairly normal for the stage in life that you guys are in. If you're willing to be patient,

then this could definitely work. If your patience runs thin and he's not showing you the progress that you want to see or maybe your biological clock speeds up so to speak and you start you know having greater relationship demands and he's capable of giving you then you might have to reevaluate that but it doesn't sound like you know does that make sense i know it's a little vague no i think i think no no i think that that makes like a lot of sense and as like you say it's big But I think it's I think it is helpful just to like slow it down and I do feel like you know Life life feels like it moves quickly, right?

But it's like, you know, there's so much that can happen even just in a year And I think that like this first year of us living together like like I do want to see if we can get into a place where we're both really happy and working towards those goals. And I think that that's a good way to kind of have those conversations and set goals for each other. And by the end of this year, when our lease is up

and if we renew it or not, like that can be a good kind of benchmark to see. Or next year, if we renew the lease, like give it some time. But before we move anywhere else, like really make sure that we're in a good place and we wanna move forward together. Well, thank you for the call. No, I appreciate it.

Hopefully this was helpful. Thank you. Yeah. No, absolutely. Yeah, just- No, thank you so much. Keep checking in with each other. Try not to sweat the small stuff.

Yeah. And just know he's still evolving as a man. No, absolutely, I appreciate that. All right, sounds right. Take care. All right. Bye. Bye. From navigating headlines, fentanyl poisoning more prevalent than COVID deaths, car accidents, and even suicide. To a proven strategy for success. If you do that every day, it changes the way you go through this world. That then translates into something physical as well as something chemical in your brain.

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