The Viall Files - E859 Ask Nick - Is He Hot or Just 6’3’’

Episode Date: December 23, 2024

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition!  Our first caller isn’t sure if she’s dating her dream man or an F-boy. Our second caller’s family cut her off and she isn���t sure what to do. And, our third caller’s engaged friend keeps breadcrumbing her.  “Your dream man is not going to be someone you think is too good for you.” Listen to Humble Brag with Cynthia Bailey and Crystal Kung Minkoff every Monday starting October 21st! Available wherever you get your podcasts and YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@humblebragpod https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/humble-brag-with-crystal-and-cynthia/id1774286896 https://open.spotify.com/show/4NWA8LBk15l2u5tNQqDcOO?si=c03a23d537f94735 Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice, send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Quince - Go to https://quince.com/viall for 365-day returns, plus free shipping on your order! MasterClass - MasterClass always has great offers during the holidays, sometimes up to as much as 50% off. Head over to https://masterclass.com/NICK for the current offer. Huggies - Learn more at https://www.Huggies.com  Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @justinkaphillips @dereklanerussell

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See store for details. Ends December 31st, 24. Exams available at the independent Doctors of optometry at or next to Pearl Vision how's it going good my name is Jane I'm 29 years old and I'm wondering if I'm dating an F boy or my dream man. Okay. And when you say dating, what do you mean? Okay. That's a good question.

Dating as in like we've gone on a couple dates, but it's weird because we've been chatting since like January of this year, but we only just barely met like last week, actually. Okay. So I know we're not like official, but that's where we're at. Have you hooked up? Well, so that was part of my question. So we went on it one day and it was like perfect, wonderful. He said he's ready to like settle down.

perfect, wonderful. He said he's ready to settle down. And then the second day he was trying to, we started kissing and he was trying to lead it to more things, but I just kind of freaked out because I have had a crush on him for so long and I didn't want it to just be a hookup thing. Okay. So what do you mean you freaked out? Can I give a little bit of context? Yeah. Okay. So we met on an LDS dating app. And so I know you're like familiar with like Christian culture and like strict beliefs and backgrounds and stuff. Correct. Yeah. And for

those who, for the people don't know, you mean like Mormon, the Mormon. Latter-day Saints. Yeah, Latter-day Saints for LDS. Yeah. Yeah. So we met Ana in LDS dating app in January and he just is like super successful world traveler, like attractive, out of my league. And I just barely started dating in January. I'm 29. Um, I had lost like a hundred pounds last year.

So there's a lot going into this, like as far as like insecurities and just like not being used to like that type of attention, especially from someone like that. And so anyway, we went on like our first date, we had tried to meet up a bunch of times. He like followed me on Instagram in January and he would chime in

every once in a while commenting on stories and stuff. And honestly, I turned my Instagram into a game with my friends where we would try to see when he would respond or what I could post to make him respond and stuff. And then he set up a date for in September when he finally like moved to Utah because he wasn't living here. And then I canceled on him like 20 minutes before because I had a family emergency. So I was expecting to like never hear from him again. But then he kept following up trying to schedule things and I just like I've never been pursued like that either. I feel like it's hard to find someone who's willing to just keep following up, keep following up.

So I thought that he was in it for a relationship or something like that. So we have our date. I was so nervous. I thought he was going to hate me or think I was catfishing him or something because he's seriously so attractive, so successful, all the things, all the checkboxes. But it was just like, so natural. The moment I saw him, it sounds so cheesy, but I just was just super stoked because felt like we had a connection. He drops me off and he texts me within like five minutes of me walking in the door, which also like I didn't even have time to like wonder if he was interested.

I was just super stoked again. The next day he asked me to do something, but I didn't even have time to like wonder if he was interested. I was just super stoked again. The next day he asked me to do something, but I didn't want to like come off as desperate. I think I've been playing too many games maybe. So I was like, I'm busy tonight. So then he asked me out for Sunday, which was the next night and he had just bought a house. So he's like, do you want to come see my new house? And so I was like, sure. So I go to his house and he gives me the house tour and then started kissing and then like escalating things.

And then I just being the awkward person that I am, I just was like not, I don't know, like I couldn't like get into it because I just like felt so insecure and it just like felt like a dream and it was just so much buildup and all this stuff. And so he just kept making so many comments about like, you're obviously not attracted to me.

And I was like, no, I am. And I was like, you must not like the way I kiss or something because you keep making these comments about how I'm not attracted to you. And then he was pointing to- Wait, wait, wait, who's making comments? Wait, wait, wait, who's speaking comments? Wait, wait, wait, wait. Who's speaking to who here?

Okay, so he was telling me, he was like, you're not into this. And he was like, you're not into me, you're not attracted to me, saying things like that. Did he say why he felt that way? Because I wasn't like physically- Because you didn't wanna hook up. Yeah, and I didn't, I asked him, I was like,

do you want me to like moan your name or something? Like, what are you expecting from me right now? And I was telling him like, I need like an emotional connection before I'm ready to like, I don't know, like it just felt like a lot for like the second time I ever met him. Did you say that to him? Hey, I'm just like, you know, I don't, I need an felt like a lot for the second time. Did you say that to him? Hey, I'm just like, I need an emotional connection

before I get physical with someone. You did say that. Yeah, I said that like three times. Three times? What was his response to all three times? He just would be like, cause I would say, I just need an emotional connection, blah, blah, blah, then he would kiss me again,

and then he would be like, you're obviously not attracted to me. And then this is when I said like, well, maybe you're not attracted to me. Maybe you don't like the way I kiss or like the way I do things. And then he said like, no, obviously, I think you're so hot.

I'm attracted to you. I'm this. And then he, this is like where it's TMI, but he like kept pointing to his boner. And it's like, obviously, like I'm attracted to you. This is a he this is like where it's TMI but he like kept pointing to his boner and it's like obviously like I'm attracted to you this is a good sign this is weird I don't know anyway. How old is he? He is um 39. Okay I would have believed you've you know with the way you're describing it I thought you're gonna say 25. Yeah. Have you heard from him since? So he told me to text him when I got home. And so I did.

And I was like, made it home. I like sent him a list because I'm a weird person, but I was like, one, made it home safe to your new home is like so lovely. And then three, I was like, I had a really great time with you contrary to what you think. And then he responded and he was like, thanks so much for coming. Great to see you. And then he said, if you say so with like a winky face or something. And so I just said like, ha ha, I don't know. That was it. And then the next day he didn't text me. Then the day after that,

he went to the next day he had like posted on his Instagram story that he was having this like big house party. He's pretty much like the great Gatsby in our city. I feel like that's why I'm so intimidated by him. And I'm like, I don't even know if much like the great Gatsby in our city. I feel like that's why I'm so intimidated by him. And I'm like, I don't even know if I like him or if it's just like, I just am so flattered by like the attention he has given me like since January. And, um, so he posted about this big party that he's having. And then the next day he messaged me on Instagram, which was weird because

for like so long we had just been communicating on Instagram. But then like when he took me out, we started texting, right? And then so he messaged me on Instagram, like the Tuesday after and was like, Hey, how are you? And then he sent me like a screenshot of the invite to his party. And then he said, come to my party, Miley face. And so I, being the toxic human that I am, said I have plans Friday, I don't think I'll be able to come, but like I'm doing well, how are you?

So we chatted for a second. And then he said, okay, well come if you can. And so anyway, my friend and I ended up going and there were a ton of people. And he had- You ended up going? Yes. What was your excuse to him? I didn't tell him that I was going.

I just showed up. But, cause I knew there were gonna be so many people. Okay, did he not notice that you were there? He, so he ended up seeing me and he came up to me like when he saw me, he looked really excited. And so I was like, okay, this is great. Like he's not ghosting me after this past Sunday. And so he looks excited.

He comes up to me and gives me a hug and says, thank you so much for coming. But at the same time, like this whole thing has felt like a movie, surreal. Then at the same time, this like super beautiful woman comes up to him, grabs his arm, pulls him away, and then they were chatting for like two or three minutes. And so my friend and I like kind of stood

in that same area, but like moved a little bit because I was like, maybe he'll come back and say something but then he never did, but then we just left. So I was there for maybe 12 minutes. And then since then, haven't heard from him. You haven't heard from him since? No, nope. When was the party?

Oh, it was this past Friday. So you showed up at his party for 12 minutes, he said hi, some other woman pulled him away. You left abruptly and you never heard from him again? Yeah, yep. Okay. Okay, so like half of my friends think like he's just obviously a player. He's older and like whatever they felt like his when he was like,

you're not attracted to me. You're not attracted to me. It was like maybe manipulative or something. But then the other half of my friends are like, you tried to play at pool for so long and you like maybe bruised his ego and then you showed up to his party, you didn't tell him you were coming. And I have never like, I just have such a fear of rejection, which I know is common for everyone,

but I have never, well, since January, I have like messaged him first once ever. And then like since last Sunday, I haven't like reached out to him because I don't know, like I just, it just feels stupid that he would be interested and maybe you will agree with me, but I'm just curious to know. What do you mean stupid that he would be interested? I don't know. I just, I think I have just like, well, I know I have like a lot of insecurities about

like my physical appearance and things like that. And ever like, he just not that everyone's as important as the way they look, but he's super attractive and like successful, like, I don't know, and just like all those things. So it's just like, why would he What did you mention? You said earlier, he's checking all the boxes. How many, how many boxes are on this list? Because you've only said hot and successful multiple times. That's true. Well, so when we went on our first date,

he had sounded like he was kind of had like the same values as far as like looking for a family, like getting ready to settle down. And then like we share the same religion. So like all those kinds of check boxes and he's like super fun, like travels all the time, does like interesting things. And then like also the fact that like for so long he had been pursuing me, but I do realize I sounded shallow as freak.

He's super successful and attractive, but. So, I mean, listen, mean listen, to answer your question, are you dating a fuck boy or your dream man? It doesn't sound like you're dating anymore, so there's that. Yes. And yeah, it definitely sounds like a fuck boy. Every fuck boy eventually becomes somebody's dream man.

The way you're going about it is more about like trapping a fuck boy though, rather than meeting your dream man. So I think both in terms of the feedback you're getting from friends, I think both can be true. The great Gatsby of it all, the comment about his boner, the fact that you had to say three times you're looking for a mutual connection and you seem to keep insistently

trying to hook up with you, inviting him to your house on the second date. These all give fuckboy energy. Then again, he's not going to stop being a fuckboy until he meets someone who makes it worth his while. Until he meets his equal, so to speak. You don't see yourself as his equal, which is a problem for you. Your dream man is not gonna be someone

that you think internally, he's too good for me. That's not your dream man. That's a good lay, it's a good story. You know what I'm saying? Like it's a good time. That's not your dream man. You won't feel good about that. They won't feel good about that.

No one wants to be with someone who thinks they're not good enough for them. And eventually, as exciting as it is, to be with someone that you fantasize about being with and never imagine you could be with, if you still continue to feel that way, you're gonna feel less than in the relationship that you're in.

And that's not why we're in relationship is to constantly feel like, oh my God, is this person gonna leave me? Why are they dating me? Like you don't date people to constantly question yourself and to instigate your insecurities, you know? So a lot of that feedback is more based off around, like I think it's, you know, like I imagine

when this first started, it was a very very exciting you had a crush on this guy got to talk to with your friends and he pursued you and yada yada yada but at some point you got to stop being you know using your language to describe yourself this kind of toxic insecure person and you either have to say there's a reason why this person reached out to me you mentioned you lost a hundred pounds you know so I'm guessing your insecurities come from, you know, some body image issues, but you did lose 100 pounds. I'm assuming you feel good about that. You look great to me, you know, like, so at what point did you give yourself the credit for all the work you did to get in the shape that you wanted to be?

Or are you still looking in the mirror and seeing the girl, the woman who hasn't lost the 100 pounds? Yeah, no, I definitely still see myself as the way I was before, like 100%. Okay. Maybe not 100% because at least I can like get on the dating apps and meet people and stuff. But every time like I start going out with the same person several times or

whatever, I just get in my head and I'm just like, what, like, that's what I'm saying, like I hate to sound like such a shallow person, but I feel like so much of my life, I was just always so concerned about like, is someone judging me? Is someone this, you know? And so like, we're all judging. I just can't like fathom. Yeah. You can't fathom. Yeah.

You can't fathom what? I don't know, just like why someone who like just a year ago would be, I don't know. There's so many like mental things that go on with it. Cause it's like, why would someone be interested in me where it's just like so new maybe? I don't know. I don't know.

I mean, I'm not sure. What do you mean? Why would someone be interested? What do you mean? Finish the thought. I don't know. I mean, I'm not sure why what do you mean? Why would someone be interested? What do you mean finish the thought like I feel a little confident Okay, I feel confident in like the other areas of my life like my career who I am as a friend and family member okay, and so like I know I have those things going for me, but when I'm Dating someone who like I'm attracted to I just don't get why they Would be attracted to me and I think that kind of manifested last Sunday. Is this guy on Instagram?

Yes, but he's private But you're gonna send me a send Justin some pictures of this guy. I want to see this guy looks like the grid. This is the guy you're losing your marbles over. He's attractive. I mean, he's fine looking. How tall is he? He's six, three. You see, there's another image.

He's definitely. Yeah. Like not hot. He's fine. He looks like a guy. I mean he's fine. I'm not I'm not trying to talk shit about this guy. He looks like a guy. He looks like a guy. Okay. And if he wasn't 6'3", you know. Fair it sounds like, you know, the whole like, you know, he's an entertain, you know, like the gets, you know, like, listen, he's probably, he's, I'm, he sounds like he varies charismatic and charming

and yada, yada, yada. Sounds like he lives or projects at least a fun and exciting life that obviously makes him attractive. This guy's worked very hard on how people see him for sure. So I get the appeal. I'm not trying to talk shit, but like, listen, yeah. I mean, also at the same time, this type of person should not be making,

you should not be like going around thinking to yourself, I can't believe this guy's into me. That's crazy. And I'd love for you to work on that. You know? Well, what's the point of working so hard on yourself? I mean, what did it take for you to lose 100 pounds? I imagine a lot of work and dedication and. Yeah, yes. Lots of that. Have you struggled with your weight or like what was the reasoning for what you

want? Like 100 pounds is a lot of weight. What made you want to do that? Yeah. Well, I mean, I always said I've always had, I'm not like making excuses or anything, but like I've had like PCOS and like thyroid issues. So I like found like a good. It's an excuse, it's a valid reason. I'm a self-deprecating human if you can't tell. I don't know if you're self-deprecating. I think you're highly critical of yourself and you are uncomfortable with giving yourself credit. That's not the same as being self-deprecating. Okay. Yeah. You're definitely

selling yourself short. So you have a thyroid issue and you're still able to, and then you just out of curiosity, have you lost 100 pounds in a way that you feel like, did you, and then you just had a curiosity. Have you lost a hundred pounds in a way that you feel like, is it, did you go about it in a healthy way? Yeah, well actually, no, I said yes, but no, I had to enter therapy because it got to a point where it was pretty extreme where I'd go like, I'm just oversharing everything right now, but I'd go like days without eating. Cause once it, so once it like started impacting, like how tired I was all the

time and like passing out and stuff. Then when you, when you were like, when you were, were you eating healthy or where did you have unhealthy eating habits or was it just as a result of the thyroid conditioning you have that you struggled with your weight? So it was like thyroid and PCOS. So it just was basically like, it's polycystic ovarian syndrome.

So it just, it's pretty common in women. It makes it like one of the side effects is like, it's very hard to stay at a healthy weight. Like you basically have to just eat fruits and vegetables like one of the side effects is like, it's very hard to stay at a healthy weight. Like you basically have to just eat fruits and vegetables to just like stay, like you're not supposed to eat any carbs. Like if you do, then you gain weight.

And so that's just kind of what happened to me. And then in addition to the thyroid issues, so yeah. Well, I'm sorry you have to deal with that. I'm obviously probably not fun. Do you feel like you've addressed some of these issues in therapy? Are you back to having more healthy habits? Yeah, it's taking time, but I'm not a healthy weight right now.

Not too light or too heavy. So right now things are good in that area. You look great to me, not that my opinion really matters, but I think you're a very beautiful person. My guess is some of the reason you're having a hard time seeing the person you are now in the mirror is because probably of all the way you've gone about getting to where you are.

And it doesn't feel like a permanent solution. It feels like a temporary solution. So it feels a bit fraudulent, I'm guessing internally, in terms of how you are showing yourself to be. I'm guessing you might have concerns about gaining some of that weight back, given the conditions you have to deal with. and given how your approach to lose some of this weight has been by your own admission, have been unhealthy. I'm guessing that's where some of that comes from. Yeah. That'd be fair.

Do you feel like therapy's been beneficial in this area? Yeah, definitely. Yes, for sure. Do you feel like you have these health conditions under control now? Mm-hmm, yeah. Okay. Yeah, I feel like, for sure. Do you feel like you have these health conditions under control now? Mm-hmm, yeah. Okay. Yeah, I feel like it's been long enough.

Like it's been like a year of like maintaining. And so like, I can, I don't know. I have enough like control issues that I don't think I'll let it slip up again, but. But as of now, so as today stands, you feel like you have some fairly healthy eating habits. Okay, that's good. All right.

Well, so yeah, I mean, listen, I think emotionally you're very vulnerable. Mentally, you're very vulnerable right now. And so I think you need to protect that and you need to protect yourself from being triggered, giving your vulnerability. Right. You got to protect yourself from the people who make you feel less than part of that responsibility is yours. You know, like it's like, that's not this guy's fault for the way

you see yourself around him. Per se, but you, you, you have to challenge yourself to work on your internal dialogue. What do you want with this guy? I don't know. And I listen to your podcast all the time. I always joke that I should have been a missionary or something with the amount of people I've gotten to in on this podcast.

I don't know. Point of me saying that is you talk about ego and stuff. And I don't know him well enough to know if I like him. I love that honesty. That's good honesty. That's, that's probably the truth. Right? Yeah.

And that's what I was trying to tell him. Like when things were happening that day, I was like, I said to him, like several times, I was like, I only met you twice. I, I, I'm just not like, I'm just, I have no judgment toward anyone who is like that, but I just, I'm just not that girl. I can't be like, I just, I'm too shy, I'm too, like, I need like that trust and foundation before, like, too much can happen physically.

I want you to be able to say that out loud without feeling like you're apologizing at the same time. You know what I'm saying? Do you get what I'm saying though? Yeah, because I'm like. I want you to say that proudly. It's like, hey, listen, I'm not here to judge anyone else who makes different choices for themselves

or their sex life, but I am someone who really wants and needs an emotional connection before I get intimate with anyone. And that's just what I prefer. I prefer that because that allows me to not have partners that ultimately I realize I don't even like them as people. I get in my head after I emotionally connect with men that I don't even know after I hook up with them.

It's created a lot of unnecessarily emotional distress for me. I've learned as a younger person. And so I've just decided for myself that like, at 29 years old, like that's what I need. Other people might be different, but that's what I need. And I'm glad that I feel that way because it's what's best for me.

And it's helped me reduce a lot of emotional anguish and confusion in my dating life. And I want you to say it like that, confidently, knowing that you're making the right decision for yourself, proud almost even. Like when I say it, the way I'm saying it, I'm almost saying it so proudly that you're also saying, well, I'm not trying to judge other people

if they choose differently from me. You know, like I am someone throughout my life have been accused of being cocky, right? And I've always been like, it wasn't that I was being cocky and confident, you know? But I do think, you know, I'm sure at times I have, you know, come across or been cocky in areas where I could have like maybe been a little bit more humble.

But that being said, I do think a lot of people, they just see it as cocky because they don't have the same values as you and they might even admire the same values as you and maybe they're just too weak to have the same, make the same choices. Or just, it's just your confidence in yourself, they see it as cocky because they don't have the same confidence, right?

And so here you are like, well, you know, it's just like, well, I just, you know what I'm saying? Like I want you to be so confident in your choice to want an emotional connection that the people who are out there participating in hookup culture, I want them to almost feel judged by your confidence. Does that make sense? Yeah.

Because it's like, you know, I want you to feel like you have to be like, listen, I'm not judging you if you don't wanna make the same choices. This is for me and I'm so confident in my choices. Because, you know, what's, my point is, is like there are people out there who may want to have, like you, you have a problem with rejection

as you have acknowledged, right? And so there's a lot of people out there hooking up with men or hooking up with people that they ultimately may not wanna hook up with in that moment because they just want them to be, they wanna be liked, they wanna be accepted. They're worried that if they don't put out, they're gonna get rejected or, you know, they'll move on.

They don't wanna get rejected, so they hook up with the person, even though deep down it's not what they really want kind of thing. Right. And that's caused them emotional anguish and sadness and rejection in the long run. You know, and so, but they can't get to that point where they're confident in their choice. So they keep hooking up with these people that deep down, they don't really

want to hook up with because they still haven't been able to find that confidence in that decision to want an established emotional connection. The good news is is you have like you at least have been able to identify what you want and what you need and you've you are able to communicate that. I want you to go to a step further and be confident in that choice. And so when you say it, I don't want you to sound like you're apologizing. Do you get what I'm saying though? You probably don't even realize,

like when you listen to this episode back, you'll get what I'm saying. It's almost as if, you know, it's just like, well, you know, I just, I want an emotional connection. And it's not like, you know, it's like you're trying to explain yourself rather than just stating a fact. And the fact is, this is what you need.

Yeah. You know, you have every right to feel that way. And you're not proud because you're better than someone else. It's like me saying, you know, I've never been a sucker for peer pressure for taking shots. Yeah. I didn't, I don't feel better than someone who is.

I'm just, I'm more proud of the fact that I'm not gonna feel like shit till next day. No, totally. Yeah. Yeah. So I want you to I'm more proud of the fact that I'm not gonna feel like shit the next day. No, totally, yeah. Yeah, so I want you to be cognizant of the people you're investing in and spending time with and how they're making you feel. Okay. And I think when you feel excited about something,

I think you should take a step back and ask yourself, is the excitement around does he like me and would he reject me, you know, type of thing? Or is it excitement about, you know, the possibility of meeting, of connecting with someone and getting to know someone and things like that, you know? Yeah, totally. What are you gonna do with this guys?

What do you think? What do you think? Should I, cause I'm like, I mean, I have like the one friend group who's like, no, he just like, I don't know, it just feels weird that someone would like talk to me for 11 months. And maybe that's just not how I am. Okay, so like, let's be clear, like guys,

especially like this guy loves a challenge, loves a chase, loves an adventure, loves someone who plays hard to get, right? He is probably used to a lot of people who don't play hard to get, where his appearance as the great Gatsby, as you say, and his exciting life, as you say, or just the fact that he is 6'3", has got him a lot of easy lays. You know, it just has.

And so for a guy who's probably used to getting a lot of easy lays, loves it when it's not easy, loves a challenge. And you, with your game playing, have provided that challenge. Listen, we all play games, but you have to also be in control. And it's like you're playing games,

but you're not in control. It's almost as if you kind of guessed right, you know, accidentally. you're not in control. It's almost as if you kind of guessed right accidentally, but you're still constantly fixated on how he feels about you. And when you're doing that, you're definitely not in control. And you're so close because you have,

in this conversation, you have said things like, I don't even know if I like him. Healthy admission, you know, that's the truth. The truth is, I don't, you know, I really know this guy. I've been talking to him sporadically for a year, but it's really just all about game playing and chasing and back and forth. And like, I don't, I know. I know what this guy has shown people.

I know the percept, I know his reputation, you know, I know how he looks, I know his job, but I don't really know him, you know, or anything about him. I don't know how he treats women behind closed doors. I don't even know what he thinks of women, you know, yada yada, I don't know, you know, you don't really know anything. Other than the fact that he grew up

in the same religion that you grew up in. You don't even know how devout his life is or just what beliefs he has that may or may not differ from his religion. Or you know nothing about this guy. But instead of acknowledging yourself, I don't know anything about this guy and just being like, yeah, he's tall, he's cute, he's rich, whatever, he's got some money and those are all, and you say it like the way you told me, yeah, he's tall, he's cute, he's rich, whatever, he's got some money. And those are all, and you say it, the way you told me this story, it's just like,

he has everything, he's my dream guy, he's hot and he's successful, and you were talking to me as if, I don't know, you met Jesus. Fair. Like if this man rejects you, you will never have another chance at something so incredible again and then like, you know, three minutes later after you kept talking, you're like, I don't even know if I like him.

But you were so caught up in the fantasy of, you were caught up in the pursuit of this guy, you know, the fantasy of, you know, listen, it's fun to have a, like, it, like, it is very exciting to have a crush on someone and to be able to date your crush. That's exciting. But you have to be able to quickly adapt, so to speak. You have to quickly, you know, act like you belong because then it is, because it goes from exciting to like making you feel in, you know, act like you belong. Because then it goes from exciting to like making you feel small. It's okay to acknowledge the fun you're having

chasing your crush, but if you can't get on their level in your mind, then they're always gonna make you feel small and less than. And that's not the type of feeling you're trying to create for a relationship, or at all. As far as this guy, I think probably not your guy, definitely probably a fuck boy. And not to take anything away,

I'm sure he thinks you're beautiful, obviously. He clearly thinks you're hot. No guy is going to pay that much attention to a girl if he doesn't think she's hot. And so it's pretty simple, most guys who thinks a girl's hot, that he definitely would wanna have sex with her. And so, you know, he is definitely interested

in having sex with you, he's made that very clear. He definitely would like to see you naked. How he feels about you after that, he doesn't even know the answer, you know? Not even thinking like that, he's just more like, he's not even thinking, he's not even saying, I just wanna see you're naked, that's just how his brain works.

But I do think you being unavailable has kept him interested for sure. But I don't feel like you're capable of being yourself around this guy. Yeah, that's fair. Per example of when my friends were like, you're just, like you played the game too long. Cause I do realize that he's probably used to like women

doing whatever he wants or whatever. I mean, I even saw that like at his party, like they're clamoring for his attention, you know, like whatever, but I just feel like you'd find this funny about the height comment, but he was telling me how he was like six, three from a young age and I've always been attracted to tall guys, obviously,

but I was like, oh, did that make life hard for you or whatever? And he was just so shook by that. Because he's like, no, my height has made things great for me. So that just goes into it. He's had one of the greatest privileges of mankind. I'm being serious.

And the fact that he's been tall his whole life means that he's always been confident. People have always treated him a little differently. His peers, he's always felt superior. He has more confidence than he deserves to have, I guarantee it, right? Which means deep down, this man has some insecurities. And a lot of these insecurities, I'm guessing,

are rooted from probably the fact that like, you know, that's why he throws all these parties. You know, it's for validations to keep himself feeling special. Yeah. I'm sure he's a swell, fine guy, whatever. Listen, what do I think you should do with this guy? I think honestly, you should mentally move on.

I'm sure he will reach out again. If he says, hey, would you like to go on? Just stop playing games with him. That's my advice with this guy. If he says, hey, would you like to go on, just stop playing games with him. That's my advice with this guy. If he asks you out, just be like, hey, I think it's a huge red flag. You gotta tell this guy multiple times that you're looking for an emotional connection

and he kept trying to hook up with you. That tells me, one, he's not necessarily all that listenin' and respecting you, and two, it really tells me he really just wants to see you naked. Okay. And I will say, I don't know how far he wanted to take things. I don't know.

Maybe I'm, I don't know. He would have had sex with you. But yes. Yes. Okay. I think it's safe to assume. I mean, what would it make you feel better if you just wanted a blowjob?

Like what, like I don't, does it really matter? I don't know. It doesn't matter, I don't know. But I think, I guess, you know, there were some, if you go out with them, you could just be honest with them. Hey, listen, man, to be honest, I've always kind of had a crush on you. I think you're an early attractive guy,

but you know, I also just kind of think you're a bit of a fuck boy. And you know, the other night when I came over, you gave me a lot of red flags because I told you I wanted a mutual connection, but you could say it gently and see how he responds to that. If he's just like, well, I'm really sorry

I made you feel that way. I see what you're saying and I'm really, thanks for letting me know. That would be a green flag. If he gets ultra defensive and then tries to somehow blame you or point out something you did wrong, run. You know, but I think more than anything, just be honest about how you feel.

And I know that's hard because that requires, you know, the possibility of rejection. Just be like, I like it. And if you like me, then let's see where it goes. But I don't know if you're actually interested in a relationship right now. I think you're interested in throwing parties and, and being the center of attention. Men like him love to get called out on his bullshit. You know, you canceling 20 minutes before the date didn't make him like you less.

It made him like you more. Not necessarily. And I don't think you should keep doing that because he didn't like you. He liked what you did, but you get what I'm saying. But you canceling him 20 minutes in advance gives him the idea that you have important things going on, that you value your time, that you don't drop anything just for him.

And he is used to people doing that for him. So when he finds people who don't, that is a signal to him that you're worth his time, that you might stand out as unique. The truth is, it's not true because you're just playing this fucking game and you're just kind of, but I'd love for you to be that person

he thinks you might be. And it really just comes from your inside. Yeah. Maybe go on a date with a couple of ugly men for a while. Really gas you up. I mean, how are we gonna get your confidence up, you know? I don't know. I'd love for you to work on that.

Okay. Do you not have people telling you you're beautiful on a regular basis? I, yeah, like, people are so nice to me, but I just can't, like, I don't know. That's why I'm therapy. Okay. Well, keep doing that.

Keep working on that. I mean, but you got, you're going to have to address that. You're gonna have to work through that. Yeah. Who are you trying to be? You know, like the most beautiful person in the world? Like, what is it? Like, when is enough going to be enough for you?

That's a good question. You know, do you object? Do you think you're ugly? Like, yeah. Like be real. You look in the mirror. Like, do you? Yeah.

I like, if you really thought you're ugly, then you wouldn't even have, you, you, you wouldn't even try to, to go after someone like him. Well, that's what I'm saying. Like I was literally, like, I was telling my friends, like, I'm doing it for the plot. Like I'm going for the plot because he's probably gonna see me and he's gonna think I was catfishing him on Instagram or something. I want you to be more confident in yourself.

I also want you to be realistic as well. You know, there's a balance between, you know, having a healthy amount of confidence, knowing your worth, you know, knowing that you're an attractive person who deserves to be with someone that you also find attractive, but it doesn't mean like, hey, I'm a queen, I'm beautiful, I deserve a guy who looks like Chris Hemsworth.

Like, I don't know, maybe not, I don't know. Right, so you gotta find the balance. Like you're treating this guy like he's Chris fucking Hemsworth, he's clearly not. He's a swell looking guy, but like he's not out of your league and if he doesn't like you, who gives a fuck? He's just one guy.

Yeah. And maybe stop going after super tall men because you are, I will say someone with a lack of confidence that you have, dating men who have been tall their whole life is probably the worst person for you to date because you are dating someone, like this guy has more confidence than he deserves

and you have less confidence than you should have. And that is not a good combination for someone like you. Yeah, I think, yeah, honestly, every guy I've ever dated has been tall. And maybe that's the problem. Honestly, I think there is a problem. But part of the part of the problem is you need to have a better idea of who you are. And you need to work on your confidence.

And it starts with the language you're using your head. You got to stop talking bad about yourself in your head. You got to stop being the butt of your own jokes with your friends. You gotta stop being self-deprecating. It's not even self-deprecating. You're just mean to yourself. Self-deprecating is like what people who like have too much confidence to start using to, you know, so that they don't sound like a cocky asshole all the time.

You know, this guy who I'm guessing walks around never pointing out his flaws because he's probably too insecure deep down to actually point them out, could probably use some self-deprecating humor, I'm guessing, with some of his, I'm sure, many bad habits. And then that would probably land a lot of it better because people would be caught off guard by a guy who's generally always portraying

this very put together, classy guy, and it's just like, oh, it would humanize a guy who's so afraid to be human around people. You're the opposite of the spectrum. You never give yourself enough credit, and you're constantly putting yourself down around people who are like, why are you doing that? You need to be that, you're gonna need to work on being

the girl or the woman who talks about herself in a much more positive way. I would love for you to ask your friends and challenge yourself to stop belittling yourself, stop being the butt of your own jokes, stop pointing out your flaws to your friends in public because you're only doing that not to be self-deprecating. You're trying to beat them to the punch. You're so insecure of what people might think about you, you would rather put it out in public

and let people know that it's, you know what I'm saying? Like, that's all the reason why, that's the only reason why you're doing it. It's a defense mechanism. Yeah. So, work on that. And start dating some guys that are 5'10", 5'11". How tall are you?

I'm 5'5". 5'10", that's plenty tall for you. Guys who are 6'3", who have been 6'3 their whole life, have way too much confidence in themselves. And like, you're not there yet. You should be. And when I say you're not there yet, I am not talking about your physical appearance. I am talking about your belief in yourself. I won't be triggered. Is this making sense though? Yeah.

You're wasting this precious time. You're 29 years old. This is a great age for you. You should be having fun and wasting your energy, spending your energy on a variety of different men and men who make you feel good about yourself. And the reason why this guy can call you sexy and beautiful and you just don't feel good about yourself is because you have told yourself over and over you don't deserve him. And deep down he probably really is a fuck boy

and your gut's telling you that and he's acting like a fuck boy and you are not willing to see that he's a fuck boy because you've told yourself, this is my dream dream man I can't believe he likes me so you're you're looking past all the obvious red flags for the plot so to speak okay you know but it's costing you it's a it's really putting you down emotionally it's really making you feel it's setting yourself up for disappointment Okay, yeah Yeah, I mean, you know, you're you're way too good-looking to feel this way about yourself

You're way too kind. Thank you. I'm no one's ever called me too kind in my life. I've never been too kind That's not mine. It's not in my nature So I just I'm just keeping it real, you know again, I'm not saying you can get any man you want. You can't, no one can. But you can get someone you deserve and makes you feel good about yourself and appreciates you and doesn't play games. And when you say, I don't really know you yet,

I feel more comfortable with someone I wanna build a connection with, they'll respect you for it. Yeah, they still may be like, oh, well, okay, well, I definitely wanna see you naked, but I get it. They're not gonna wanna make you feel bad. They're not gonna wanna ignore it.

They're not gonna point to their boner is the validation you should be thankful for receiving when you ask if you're even attracted to me. Like, come on. You know what I'm saying? Like, this isn't your guy. You know? He wanted his boner to make you feel beautiful.

I mean, come on. My sister was like, you have to specifically say that because she's like, I wanna know what he thinks about that. Cause she's like, that is weird. It's super weird. But that's what you get from a guy who's been six, three his whole life. Anyways, we gotta go.

Hopefully this was helpful. Yes. Keep investing in therapy, keep those healthy habits going, work on how you see yourself, put yourself in positions and ask yourself, why do I, like you being triggered, you feeling the spark, you feeling the excitement

are all possible triggers. They're also possible red flags of actually making you feel worse about yourself. You know, you love the validation, the chance. We all do, but like just be mindful of that and try dating men under six foot for a minute. I'm serious. I really, I think that's,

I think your future man is under six foot. He's between five, 10 and six foot. Shoot, okay. Is that so terrible? You're five, five. No, it's not so terrible. Natalie is five, I'm four inches taller than Natalie. I'm six, two.

Okay, okay. So. I think you're right. Yeah, I think it'll go a long way. But you have to stop, you also have to stop chasing men because they drive fast cars. Or they have money. Because that is, that doesn't, in the long run, that doesn't make you feel good about yourself. It makes you feel worse.

I needed this. Stop trying to be someone's arm candy and try to be someone's partner. Okay. All right? Wow, okay. Thank you. Really quick, can I just say,

very grateful for the show, the book, the team, love all of you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Thanks for advocating for the show and getting people to listen. Please follow up with us. Always. No, seriously, I'm invested in your relationship story, Thanks for advocating for the show and getting people to listen. Please follow up with us always

No, I'm serious. I'm invested in your relationship story so I I want to see you see this through and I want to see you develop a lot healthier habits because You're only 29. These are some good years. You got stop wasting him on on selling yourself short Putting yourself down and on average tall men. Okay. All right. All right, thank you so much. All right, take care.

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to 50% off at masterclass.com slash Nick. Masterclass.com slash Nick. How's it going? Hi, I'm Sam. I'm 28 and my family cut me off and I'm wondering what I should do. Why did your family cut you off? So this is my extended family. It's not my parents, just to make that very clear.

I recently had a baby in January and was living with my cousin at the time. Her and I had been living together for approximately two years I recently had a baby in January and was living with my cousin at the time. Her and I had been living together for approximately two years up to me having a baby. She has a child that's two years old and was raising her alone. So basically right after I had my baby, my cousin got arrested for stealing and it was kind of the last thing out of a bunch of stuff that has happened the last few years with her. And I decided that I was moving out.

I was like going to leave the city and go be near my parents because I am a single mom. And so I told her that I told her I couldn't live with her anymore. And then she got very angry, started throwing plates and glasses while my newborn was in the next room. So I told her if she didn't stop, I was gonna call the police. This is your cousin? Yeah, my cousin. She ended up leaving and then a few weeks later I moved.

And then after moving, I didn't hear from my family a lot despite multiple efforts of trying to talk to them. So I finally talked to my aunt and she told me that nobody wanted anything to do with me because she knew that I had threatened to call the police on my cousin. And she was like, I don't care what happens. You don't call the police on family.

That was so not right. And you don't do that to your family. And I don't agree with what you did. And we don't want anything to do with you. Okay. Well, harsh, but what do you think about what she said? Do you agree with what she said? I could understand to like a certain degree, but like I would think that like if someone has a newborn in the next room and

there's someone in the house getting to a point where they're getting violent and throwing plates and clearly not okay that if you have to call the police you have to call the police I don't care who it is. Yeah I would agree and I'm guessing since your cousin left that day and emotions cooled down because it must be a little terrifying to be in a room with someone who's demonstrating violent behavior around your newborn baby. But even after things calm down, I'm guessing you don't feel like you overreacted in that moment? No, I feel like I just did what was best for me in that scenario.

For you and your child? Well, yeah, for me and my child. I didn't end up having to call the police because at that point she got in her car and left the house. And so things were like able to deescalate a little bit, and she didn't come home for several days. But at that point, like, I've never regretted saying that. When I tried reaching out to tell my family that I was moving, I even like never wanted to trash talk her because at the end of the day they're

her family too and she does live in the same city as them but I feel like that hasn't been the case vice versa and so I feel that also has a big reason to do why my family doesn't want to talk to me because I feel like she might have exaggerated or she might have been trash talking me to my family.'t want to talk to me because I feel like she might have exaggerated or she might have been trash talking me to my family. Yeah. I mean, how close are you with this extended family? I'm pretty close. I've been really close with my family the last four or five years. I wasn't always close to them, but my mom's whole side of the family has passed away. So it's just my dad's side now. So as I've become an adult, I've really focused on trying to maintain

those relationships and value those relationships because they're the only family I have other than like my direct family. And what do your parents think about this drama? My mom, the minute I called her to tell her what happened like five minutes later was like the first one who told me like, if I wanted to move closer to them, she'd help me move. She said I could stay with them while I tried to find a place. Like she was on boarded me getting out of that situation.

And it's your dad's side of the family that this is going on with, correct? Yeah. So what did your dad, my, my dad is the only member of my family that I'm not very close with. He's struggled with the substance abuse problem. So I haven't talked to my dad in several years. So it's just like his parents and like my grandparents that I've been close with and talk to.

It sounds like your dad's family is a little messy in general. Definitely a little messy, yeah. It's been a very like tumultuous like relationship with them for several years but like I said as an adult after losing my grandparents on my other side of the family I really tried to maintain a healthy relationship. Where is your dad now? Do you know? He lives in another city. I know where he is, but I don't really talk to him. And do you not talk with him more based off of the boundary you set or the boundary he set? Off the boundary I set. I haven't talked to him in a couple of years. After finding out I was

pregnant and everything, I told him that unless he were to stop drinking and stop doing drugs, I didn't want to have a relationship with him. Okay. All right. And you do know if he's stopped? The last time I heard he got arrested for dealing drugs. So no. I can't help but wonder if this desire to have a relationship, you know, with his side of the family, not only stems from the loss of the, you know, the family members you have in your mom's side of the family, but in a way to try to make up from the fact that you don't have a relationship with your father. I mean, I think that's a big part of it.

Like I think that sometimes being close to his family, like I'm able to somewhat hear how he's doing, because obviously he's still my dad and I still worry. Yeah, yeah. I think it's obviously the fact, especially now that you're our mom, it's very, you know, your priority is you and your child, above all things. So I think it's obviously, fact especially now that you're our mom It's very you know your priority is you and your child above all things So I think it's obviously seems like it makes a lot of sense you set that boundary with your dad

But is there a way to still have a relationship with him at a distance without you know? I could see why maybe like keeping this you know having this guy around you from a physical standpoint No bueno, you know not good but even if you guys were to communicate via letter or text messages or even a phone call here or there, and you can still very much disagree with how your dad is going about his life and the choices he's making, and you could still be there for him.

I'm just saying it's possible. Now at the same time, I do think it's really important that you do protect yourself and your child, so I think keeping a level of distance makes a lot of sense. And maybe I'm misspeaking, you know, because I don't know maybe much about the relationship, but is that possible, you know?

Because again, I keep hearing this like, at the end of the day, like you said, he still is your dad, you still care about him, you still worry about him. I get why you distance yourself, because you felt like you had to do that and you had no other choice, but is there more of a compromise

that would allow you to have some kind of relationship with your father, even though it's not the one you want? So like even in the past few years leading up to me getting pregnant, although I didn't see him, I tried having a relationship with him where I text with him or talk to him on the phone. And then that turned into him constantly calling me like 12 to 14 times at like three o'clock in the morning, super drunk. A few times he called me and like, he would tell me that he was going to kill himself. And yeah, tough because he was so drugged up or drunk that he was just

like not in the right mind. And so like, that was another big reason why when I got pregnant, I like cut that off because I wasn't, I had a rough pregnancy. So I wasn't in a good place mentally already. And then having to deal with that, like it was just, yeah, that makes sense. Yeah. I mean, listen, I think all I can really offer you is basically permission to accept your aunt and your cousin's choice and not let them weaponize your desire to have a connection with that side of the family so much so that you start making concessions for what's best for you and your child, right? And the good news is I'm not hearing you regretting it. You know, it's like you did the right

thing. You put your child and you first, you did what you had to do to get your cousin who was being violent, and who knows what could have happened? And there's a reason why you didn't even threaten to call the police. You reluctantly stated that you would be willing to call the police if she continued to scare you.

But more than anything, I think you just have to accept their decision. And I think you can feel sad about it and confident that you made the right decision. You know, I guess what I'm saying is if I were you, that's what I would do. I'm not saying I'm right, I'm not saying I don't know if I'm giving you the answer you wanted or hoped for.

You know, it's just like I can't give you a solution that's going to mend the fences with these people because it sounds like these people are not open to being reasonable, right? And if your aunt wants to simply side with your cousin because it's her daughter without considering, you know, what was going on and who your cousin was putting at risk, maybe your cousin is the way that she is because quite honestly, mom always made excuses for her behavior. Yeah. I mean, you're right on that front.

I think that like, it's just been like, not like the loss of my family. And like, my cousin was also like a sister to me leading up to this point. So I didn't imagine not having her or my family around for like my child. And I think it's been like less about my relationship or my family around for like my child. And I think it's been like less about my relationship with my family, but like more like I almost feel sorry. I almost feel guilty that my son doesn't have a lot of family. Let that guilt go. You will create the family that you and your child deserves. And one, like time does heal wounds. Hopefully your cousin figures her shit out,

but she was wrong. We don't even have to debate that. You're even willing to forgive her, but that was an unsafe situation she put your child in. She deserves to be held accountable for that. And as far as the future of your kid, that's a long way, you know, you will bring in people into your life.

And I commend you for wanting to have family connections, but it's gotta be the right family, you know? I would be more concerned with you around surrounding your child with healthy people, mentally healthy people, people who are good role models, you know, people who can set a good example, whether they're blood relatives or they're family through long friendships,

that they're like family. Just like your cousin was like a sister, you can have a friend that's like a sister too. You know what I'm saying? You can have healthy people in you in your child's life. And if I were you, I would more on that you know I just would your child will be super appreciative of the fact that you put him first above all things that's what your child needs is your love which you're giving it to them and you will make sure that your

child has family members and friends and other people in their lives you you will make that happen I think you would do yourself a favor by thinking about what you do have and how little it might feel. Your relationship with your mom, you know? A lot of people out there don't have that, right? I don't know how old grandma is or what her health is but let you know and does your mom, side of the family, does she have an... and is it just your mom that's left? It's just my mom. She has, like I have a great aunt, but my great aunt has dementia,

so we go and see her, but she doesn't really know who we are. And that sucks. But I just, it doesn't do you any good by kind of being sad about your extended family and the problems they have in their lives and wishing you had, you know, you turn on the TV or something and maybe you're watching where it's just like, oh, we're having the big extended family and all the cousins and all the aunts and uncles and all

the grandparents are showing up and everyone's happy and everyone's in love and everything, you know, it's like, sure, I don't know. Yeah. But like, you know, that family has problems too, you know, even in, even in the movies. I don't know if this is being helpful, but you have a beautiful child, you have your mom. We can explain your aunt, right? Your aunt is just blindly having her daughters back, the same way your aunt blindly had her daughters back her whole life, which caused your cousin

to kind of be an asshole sometimes and not ever hold herself accountable. Which is why she went to fucking jail for stealing shit. Like what the fuck is she doing? Like what is going on there? You know? But your cousin, who it sounds like the loss of that friendship, that connection with your cousin is probably what's hurting you the most. That makes a lot of sense because that was the person you're closest with. I'm guessing you'll be able to mend that fence if you want to. Yeah, she has reached out a few times. I just haven't been ready to talk to her yet.

A lot of things were said. Well, let that shit go. All you should really be caring about is your child. And you can say, listen, thank you for reaching out. I love you. I miss you. I'm not ready to talk right now. My feelings really hurt, but I do want us to be close again.

You know what I'm saying? You can say some version of that. You can let her know that you love and care about her and that you're not ready, but you still hope to like mend fences, you know? But you have to put your foot down and say, listen, like I hate that I was in that position. I didn't threaten to call the cops.

I was just as shocked that I was in a position with you that I felt like I had to be willing to even consider that. Do you, I mean, you were throwing shit, you know? We all know, including your cousin, that's crazy behavior. And if your cousin doesn't think that's crazy, then maybe your cousin shouldn't be around your kid. But your cousin, I'm guessing, isn't crazy, you know? And your aunt's is taking her side. So just ignore what aunt has to say because she's just speaking from a place of delusion. Yeah. And let your aunt's parenting styles be a lesson to you that sometimes always having

your kids back isn't having your kids back. Maybe there's a better way of saying that because you always want to have them back. But defending your kid blindly and not holding them accountable for their behavior is a recipe for disaster. No, for sure. I think that I do consider myself really lucky to have my mom and my stepdad and the great friends that I do. I have a really good support system right now,

so that's really helpful. See, you left all that part out. There's definitely a side here of you dwelling more on the negative than the positive, and that's not to take away from the fact that you have reasons to be sad about this loss, but I think you're making a bad situation worse by then going down this kind of mental rabbit hole

of my son's not gonna have any family members, making yourself feel like some sort of worse parent. Like you're doing everything you can for your kid and you should be very proud of that. And the fact that you want your child to have relationships in his life, that means it will happen. Who he has relationships with,

whether it's your cousin or your aunt, some, you know, like you have a newborn baby, five, 10 years from now, 15 years from now, when those relationships are more formative in your child's life, who knows what's gonna, who knows? Your cousin maybe have been fully healed, maybe she'll get the help that she needs,

maybe she'll figure her shit out, maybe she'll be in a much healthier place. I don't know, maybe not. But stressing about it now and making yourself feel guilty for something you have no control over, you're not helping you or your kid out. No, I agree. I think that I will respond to my cousin and just kind of say something like you

said about, um, appreciating that she's reaching out, but just saying I'm not ready to talk, but that I do miss her and love her. Yeah. So that's all I really miss you. I really love you. That was a really scary situation. And I would say something like that. That was, that was a really, that was a really scary day and everything about would say something like that. That was a really scary day.

And everything about that I kind of wish I could forget, but it's been hard to do. But I do miss you. I do want us to be close again. And maybe you saying something about that being a scary day will like, chill out, like say, hey, I was wrong. I mean, that she knows she's wrong. You know what I'm saying?

She knows she's wrong. And the fact that her mom is feeding her with like, no one should call the police on the family members and she's like, yeah, no one, you know. It's like, that's fucked up. You shouldn't have been put in that position, that period, end of story. Yeah, no, I agree.

You know, you should say something. I don't wanna have to worry about you being around my kid. That's crazy, I love you. You know, I want you to be in my kid's life. I want you to be an aunt around my kid. That's crazy. I love you. I want you to be in my kid's life. I want you to be an aunt to my kid. I want you to be a role model for my kid. Like what the fuck are you doing that for? I can't have you be in my kid's life

if you're gonna be violent around them. So you're breaking my heart. Yeah, in the beginning it was like a thing that I was just freshly postpartum and that my hormones took over. That's like what my aunt was saying, but obviously like you said, she's just blindly defending my cousin.

Again, you didn't threaten to call the cops. She put you in a position to have to consider it. Also you didn't call the cops, so there's that too. No, it would have taken a lot for me to do it. So the fact that your aunts even be like, no one drove, like, first of all, I didn't. So like, shut the fuck up. And family members make threats all the time with each other.

So like, you're telling me I can't even threaten my cousin to call the cops when they're, she was literally throwing shit. She was doing something. I was threatening something. Like honestly, I wouldn't even entertain your aunt. And I would just ignore her if she wants to keep, you know, speaking nonsense.

And as far as your cousin goes, just let her know when you're ready. Yeah, I will do that. Thank you. And just, you know, your aunt is, she's just being a bully. This is your, your, your dad's sister. Yeah. Like I don't think she's ever like, I think that she's had a lot of problems with me in general, cause she also doesn't agree with the fact that I don't talk to

my dad, they kind of also like his whole family also blindly defends him and tries to say that he's not an alcoholic or a drug addict. So there you go. I empathize with your desire to maintain a relationship with this side of the family, but now that you have a kid and you need to strongly consider, you know, is this healthy for you and your kid?

And maybe your cousin, but if your aunt is projecting, you know, like it sounds very toxic, this family, and you no longer have the emotional bandwidth to worry about mending fences with these people who have no interest in checking themselves or dealing in reality. And I would just be very careful how much energy you invest in this family

That's taking away energy that you could be investing in your son in your mom and people like that who haven't Don't have this track record. Yeah, I agree and Don't let their actions make you feel guilty about the choices. They're forcing you to make yeah, I agree I think that I just need to focus more on the positive aspects of my relationships in life. Yeah, because it sounds like you do have something, plenty actually. You have a good support system, as you said. You got friends that you love and care about and love and care about you. You got your mom, you got your stepdad, you got your son. A lot is a lot there. No, for sure. I'm really thankful for everything I do have

and that you need to focus more on them. Yeah. I mean, sounds like dad's kinda fucked you up a little bit. I understand. And then he's got this family and you're clearly trying to have these relationships. They're not making it easy for you. And it's been too draining for you.

Yeah, I think it's definitely been like draining. I've recently in the last like month and a half started therapy because I've never really done therapy before. Good for you. That's awesome. I decided that maybe it's time to. That's amazing. Work out this stuff.

What I've learned talking to you is like, you know, I've talked to a lot of people going to therapy and what I've learned talking to a lot of people who say they're in therapy is like, sometimes they don't really know why they're in therapy, other than like, you know, and honestly, when I signed up for therapy, I was like, I should, you know, I talk about therapy, I should try therapy. But if you're gonna keep going to therapy,

you should have reasons you're going in, you know? You shouldn't always go in to talk. And after talking to you, I'm hearing maybe setting healthy boundaries with family members, and more importantly, feeling good about the boundaries you're setting and not feeling shame from it, especially when you're forced to set those boundaries. You can be sad to having me put in a position to set a boundary you didn't want to set, but you shouldn't be feeling shame about it. And you're right now, you're feeling a lot of shame from having to set some of these healthy boundaries. And that's something I'd love for you to work on with your therapist.

Yeah, I'll definitely bring that up in my next session next week. Okay. Because like, there's a difference between sad and feeling shame and you're feeling way too much shame. Yeah, I think it's like shame mixed with like pressure, like I'm a single mom. So shame, shame and pressure are kind of aligned, right? You know, like when I was, when I felt shame, when I was like a of aligned, right? You know, like when I felt shame, when I was like a horny teenage boy, you know,

kissing girls and doing things that my parents told me I was going to burn in hell for, I definitely felt pressured to do the right thing and then felt shame when I gave in or you know what I'm saying, when I did the wrong thing. So pressure and shame are very much connected. You know, we feel pressured in the doing, quote unquote, the right thing

and then we feel shame when we don't do what we think or what we've been told or we internalize as what the right thing is. Yeah, no problem. You're doing the right thing, which is to set these difficult boundaries with people you would prefer to have a relationship with, but they're making it very difficult to do so.

And instead of feeling good about the boundary you set because you know it's what's best for you and your child, you know, and then also feeling sad because like, Hey, I'm sad because obviously I love these people. You're feeling instead shame, which is like, am I doing the right thing? Did I do it wrong? Should I have not said that? Should I have not threatened to call the cops? Am I the asshole kind of thing?

And you shouldn't be questioning. Am I the asshole basically for doing something that you know is deep down healthy and right. And I think that relationship with your father and the guilt that you might feel are all things that I would love for you to work on with your therapist. Because, and that's what a therapist is for, to help you work through those kind of toxic internal

thoughts that we all have. Yeah, for sure. All right. I'm really glad I started therapy and definitely. Yeah, I am too. That's amazing. And again, pat yourself on the back for that. Give yourself credit. I started therapy and definitely. Yeah, I am too. That's amazing. And again, pat yourself on the back for that. Give yourself credit.

You're making some really good decisions and I want you to feel good about those decisions instead of feeling sad about them or getting your head and questioning how good you are as a mother or what you're taking away from your son because you're unwilling to have unhealthy relationships with unhealthy people.

And like your son is gonna be grateful that you distance himself with unhealthy people. Like your son is going to be grateful that you distance himself from unhealthy people. Family may be family, but like, you know, sometimes family doesn't belong around the people that we need to protect. Yeah, for sure. Well, thank you very much. All right. Well, keep us posted.

We'd love to we'd love an update on how things are going with motherhood and your cousin, but I'm willing to guess if the door will always be open if you're willing to keep it open. There's a good chance you're one of the healthiest people your cousin has in her life. She's not gonna throw that away that easily. Yeah, I'll for sure keep you updated.

My son's only one day older than River, so. Oh yeah? Oh yeah, well. Kind of fun to watch. Happy early birthday. Yeah, it's coming up fast. Is he standing, what's he doing? What's. It's coming up. Is he standing? What's he doing?

What's he standing crawling? What's going on? Crawling everywhere, pulling himself up. He's trying to walk. Yeah. It's been a little chaotic. He's a grand bunches boy who likes to bump his head on things. Well, that's awesome.

Enjoy that. Like honestly, like just this energy that you're you could just enjoy your son It's just like you don't get these days back, you know, so Be present stay focused Your cousin will come around. I'm confident. I'm confident The question is is will you want them around because will they be healthy enough and safe enough for them to be around your son? All right. Thank you so much. All right, take care. Thank you.

Bye. Bye. There's a lot of decisions you have to make when you have a baby. And the one that I feel the most comfortable and safe making is using Huggies for our daughter River. The new Huggies Skin Essentials are here. A brand new dermatologist approved line of diapers, wipes, and pull-ups training pants are all designed with baby sensitive skin and mung.

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Hi, I'm Lauren. I'm 25 and my male friend who is engaged is still flirting with me. My company and his company work together, so I have to communicate with him for work, and I'm also his friend, so. Are you friends with her? No, I have no idea who she is. Okay, well. Yeah. There you go. Why don't you know who she is?

There you go. Yeah, why don't you, do you have feelings for this friend? No, yeah, yes, no? Well, I did. You did? Well, I kinda do, I should say. You do, you kinda do. And I think he kinda does too.

Oh. Okay. Well. Why do you think that? Well, there's a backstory here. Are you ready for this? All right, tell me the backstory. All right, so last summer,

I'm fresh out of a relationship that was very serious. He's fresh out of a relationship. We've known each other for about a year now. And we go out for drinks. We share a really passionate kiss. He said some pretty intimate things about me, to me, what he wants to do to me. And I was like, wait a second.

Was he drinking? There's vibes between us. Yes. Okay. And there's some alcohol involved. And he said some sexual things like, oh, you're so hot, I wanna blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, what?

Exactly. What did he say? I mean, you already know. What did he say? Say it, say it out loud, say it out loud. We wanna hear. Things he wanted to do as in like, Say, say the exact words that you remember specifically

so the audience can go, ah! Say the exact words that you remember specifically so the audience can go, ah! He said something along the lines about how his tongue works very well. And he would wanna go down on me and do that. And better than, and he was very confident too, mind you, Nick, he was like, I think I can definitely beat all the other guys

that have done that to you. Okay, and then what'd you say in response? Obviously I'm like blushing at this point, right? And I mean, a little blurry, right? Cause we were drinking, but I don't forget that feeling. I was like, wait a second. I'm like definitely down to do something. But he was saying these things,

didn't want to do anything in that moment. So I was like all right you didn't or he's like we might need to put up we didn't we didn't do anything besides kiss that was it. Why? Well we were in the middle of a street making out on the side of my car. Okay but like neither of you it was like should we go back to my place or? I kind of hinted at that and he was like no we got work tomorrow and I was like, should we go back to my place or? I kind of hinted at that. And he was like, no, we got work tomorrow. And I was like, oh, all right. I'm like, I'm assuming we're gonna put a pin in this then.

Yeah, yeah, or? Until next time. And then, but there was no next time? There was no next time. And that's where it gets really complicated and confusing because after that I texted him and I started texting him gets really complicated and confusing. Because after that, I texted him and I started texting him in a flirty way. And I was like, all right, great.

Like, this is kind of the vibe now. We're just gonna be like having fun together. And he kind of like shot it right down. And I was like, oh, all right. I guess that's not the vibe. And I guess we have to maintain our professional relationship, right? Cause we're like both working with each other

and not under the same company, both our companies work together. So I was like, okay, that's fine. Then he starts getting very flirty with me. Months go on that flirtation ship is there. It's strong. So I'm at the point of, okay, this guy is interested, but not interested enough to make a move.

And me and my friends are kind of like, all right, we're kind of getting over this, like love that he's saying flirty things all right, we're kind of getting over this. Like, love that he's saying flirty things to me, but he's not acting on it. And it's getting kind of old. And you would text me, you know, where are you at at night? And what are you doing? And like sexual innuendos.

And I'm like, all right, not sure what we're doing here with this. Couple of months later, after that kiss, I was messaging with his friend, friend invites me down to the bar with him and his friend. And his friend goes to the bathroom, he looks at me and he goes, I just wanna let you know, I'm so sorry but I've been leading you on these past

several months. And I was like, this came out of nowhere. And he goes, yeah, there's actually a girl in the picture, we just started dating. I said, okay. His friend went to the bathroom and then your friend. His friend's friend? Said, I've been leading you on.

Yes. Okay. Yes, so said that and I looked at him and I said, okay, I was like, so you're gonna tell me all this sexual tension that we have, we're just gonna throw it in the back alleyway and know that it's there and it remains there, but we're never going to act on it or do anything or try anything.

He goes, no, but he goes, I really respect and value you. And like, you're such a good friend and I just want to keep you around. That was yours. But that was your response. You weren't able to sexual tension. Yeah. Oh, Chris, I was pissed. I was livid in that moment, I was kind of just,

it felt like a slap in the face. I was like, what are we doing here? I'm like, how are you gonna leave me on for so many months? And I said this to him, I was like, how are you gonna leave me on for so many months? And then all of a sudden dropped this bomb on me. Like, where was your head at? Where were you like?

But you were more focused on preserving the sexual tension and not wasting the sexual tension than asking him why he chose to lead you on. I mean, I got to that, yeah. Fine, I guess if you got to it, but like your immediate response was more about, it was your ego. You were more worried that the sexual tension

wasn't as real to him as it was to you. And that made you feel silly and stupid. And so you were trying to protect the sexual tension, so to speak, and making sure that it was as real as you hoped it would be. And so you felt embarrassment instead of feeling anger. Like it sounds like you eventually got to anger, maybe. But I'm guessing you weren't as angry.

Well, I know you weren't as angry as you should have been because this motherfucker still felt confident enough to say that he still values you and wants to keep you around. And I'm guessing you didn't say, absolutely not. Like, wow, no. Right, you didn't. And that's the, yeah, I didn't. Yeah, you said, okay, okay, sure.

Yeah, well I was just kind of like, I'm just kind of like, what the F, like what are we doing here? Why would you kind of do this? I love the what the F part, the what are we doing here? I don't know. It's not that what are we, you know what you're doing. You thought you were flirting with someone

who was flirting back with you. You were doing the normal thing. You have no reason to question what you were doing. I don't know why there's a we in this question. There's a what the fuck were you thinking? Don't say you respect me if you were so willing to lead me on and just get off on like me if you are so willing to lead me on and just get off on like seeing if you could.

And there's the bread coming. It's like almost benefiting his ego of knowing that he has that. Yeah, but let's let's let's do anything. Let's focus less on buzzy words like bread coming and let's focus on why you let this happen. Well, I was fresh out of a relationship, mind you, when we first shared that kiss. Buzzy words like bread coming, and let's focus on why you let this happen. Well, I was fresh out of a relationship, mind you, when we first shared that kiss.

So, of course I was like, and I'll admit it, I liked the attention, right? I was hurt, my ego was bruised, and I was like, oh, there's a guy that's flirting with me. So that was nice. And did I know in the moment that I didn't need to have anything a fresh out of a breakup?

Definitely. I was totally cognizant of that. But at the same time it's nice, right? Like you're like, oh someone's interested in me. Sure. And that's where That's where things probably took a turn and that's that's probably where my boundaries dropped, right? letting him Flirt with me. Well flirting is fun I mean not shutting up into the point where you find out there was a girl involved and he was leading you on. It's all, all. Well, and that's where it gets spicy

because that next month after he was like, yeah, so I was leading you on, I just happened to meet a girl, very casually said. It's Friday night, I get a text, hey, gotta talk to you about something super serious. I'm thinking, okay, maybe it's work related. He goes, I just want to let you know that I'm getting engaged tomorrow and I don't want you to be alarmed when you see the engagement photos posted on Instagram.

And again, he pulls up and mind you, this is the girl that he had broken up with right before he kissed me that summer. Not the girl. Not the girl he said the girl he said at the bar was his ex-girlfriend of three years. Oh, okay. So he got back together. I was like, wait, so yeah, so we got back together with her. I had no idea. He's never mentioned her. He doesn't post about her on social media. So how was I supposed to know this? Until those engagement photos came out. So he sends me this long text of like,

I just want to say messaging. I just want to let you know, I value you. I appreciate you. I respect you. You're such a bad-ass. Like I still want to keep you in my life. I've talked about you in therapy. Like you're just, you know, a part of my journey,

but I'm getting back together with this girl. And we really tried working things out. So somewhere in between the kiss we shared and his engagement, he bought a ring for this girl and I had absolutely no idea. And he's still flirting with me. You're letting it months into his engagement. Yeah, but like, right. If you were her, how would you feel about you? Oh, I'd be pissed because I've been cheating on before. So why are you doing what you're doing? I still have to communicate with this guy for work. So I can't not speak to him and just cut him off.

Okay, well that's not what's, you're not the victim here. I mean, you're a victim a little bit by his actions, but you have allowed yourself to be the victim and you have made excuses. You've allowed his behavior and his treatment towards you, allow you to make choices that I'm guessing you wouldn't be proud of and you're making choices that you know if this other person found out about you would hurt her and you are justifying those choices based off of all the things he's doing wrong. And you are basically giving yourself a hall pass

to kind of have these low character moments just because of how he's acting. You're talking as if like you have no control over whether you guys flirt or not. It's like, oh, well, he's flirting with me and I guess we're flirting and I have to flirt back. And that's all your ego. Again, the same person who was more worried

about preserving the flirting than how this guy treated you was your first reaction. You allowed your ego to step in and dictate your actions. And you're still allowing your ego to step in and dictate your actions. And it is not giving a shit about your character or your heart, and now you are in this very toxic, very messy situation, and the truth is,

is that when he told you that he talks about you in therapy, that made you feel good. You liked it. I mean, this- You guessed it, you guessed it. And this guy knows what to say about you. You are allowing yourself to be manipulated. You're not stupid, obviously.

You're playing dumb. You're playing dumb. Yeah. I think it's like the attention factor too. Like it's nice to have that attention on you, but right, like the other side of me is like, what the fuck am I doing? Like this is ridiculous.

I mean, yeah. And how am I allowing this? So I guess my thing is like, how do I put up these boundaries? Because quite frankly, like this guy is gonna, he's not my husband, he's gonna be someone else's husband. And like, I don't want this, right?

But it's like, how do I put up those boundaries then? What do I do? Why do you say like question? I don't know. You tell me, come on. Come on. How do you think? If your life depended on it, like what would you, yeah. Like If your life depended on it,

like what would you, yeah, like if your life depended on it, how would you stop the flirting from happening? Like you said, you can't control his actions. You have no control over what he does. You have a job to do. Sounds like there's some minor inconveniences as it relates to like how you have to interact with this person.

That has nothing to do with how you two interact, communicate and whatever inappropriateness that's going on in this relationship, how do you stop that? Let him know that this is wrong, can't happen. Obviously he has a whole other relationship that he needs to focus on, a whole future that he needs to focus on.

And not productive. Okay, I mean that's the start, but I don't think you need to let him know it's wrong. You're two adults, you both know, and honestly you saying it's wrong is only gonna like, you're both gonna get off on it. You can just tell him what you are going to do or more specifically not do.

You don't need his permission, this isn't a negotiation. You could just stop. You could stop reacting. You could stop reacting. You could pull him aside and said, this has gone on long enough. You're getting engaged. Let's keep it professional. We're not friends, you know? So like act accordingly and please stop reaching out to me outside of work.

Like this has gone on long enough. And, and stop. Does he have any position of power over you as it relates to your work? No. Okay, so I don't think you need to go as far as to make any type of threats, but like, you know, if you need to go a step further,

but you should make this guy, the first time you talk with him, you should go just short from letting him know that like this is inappropriate, it needs to stop, it needs to stop immediately, and you're not interested in having a conversation about it. No. And if he doesn't respect your wishes, then you could say, hey listen, man, like I, you know, I've already asked you to stop. So one more time, I'm going to ask you one more time before I ask someone else. This is the kick in the ass I needed. Okay, well good. You know, because from where I'm sitting, you're, you're, you're, you're embarrassing yourself. He's not embarrassing you anymore. He embarrassed you once. He told you the truth. And then going forward, you allowed your ego to keep embarrassing you. And your ego will do that. Your ego will not want to feel embarrassed and not give a fuck about how you embarrass yourself for the sake of trying not to embarrass yourself.

I don't know if that even made sense, but I think you get what I'm saying. No, I gotcha. Yeah, the way you, you're not the victim here, listening to your talk, you're just like, it's like a fun gossipy story that I'm sure if you told some of your girlfriends, they'd be like, yeah, fuck that guy,

and I can't believe it, dang it. But like, come on. No, I hear you. And that's why I'm like, it's, fuck that guy. And I can't believe it. But like, come on. No, I hear you. And that's why I'm like, it's, you're right. It's like, it's gone on too long. And I'm like, all right, this like needs to be cut because it's getting long. It's getting drawn out.

It's, yeah, it's getting embarrassing. It's well past getting. It's already is. Yeah. The moment you allowed him to get his way and have you at his convenience, that was embarrassing for you. Flops for him for admitting it, but like you should have immediately cut this off. Then like you should have been appropriately mad. Like well that's fucked up. Thanks for letting me know, but

like no we don't get to be friends. Like, I'm not someone- Like I'm not hanging out. Yeah, I'm not hanging out with him outside of work. Like I'm not, I have not seen him other than work setting. So like- Yeah, you become his work wife. I would never do anything, obviously. You become, yeah, but like it's still inappropriate. You know it's wrong.

You know that she would be pissed and he gets off on it. I'm gonna bring out the scissors and cut that real fast. Yeah. Yeah. Thanks though. Just like definitely a gut punch, right? It's just like you feel stupid. Yeah.

You feel stupid. Yeah. Yeah, but like you're doing stupid things, you know, and you're smart. Yeah. I know that's like, yeah. I think that's the, that's the tough part. It was right. It's like the ego's coming into play here and if I put that aside, like, I guess that side of me is like, what the fuck are we doing here?

Like, be real. There's no, we like, yeah. He, I don't mean we, as in me and him, I said we, as in me, all the, yeah, the thought process processes going on here. Yeah, yeah, it's, yeah. Needs to wrap up. How long has this been going on? Couple months.

Yeah, we'll sort it down. Thankfully, it's only been a couple months. And get this narrative, he's not bread-crumbing you. He's just using you. Yeah, which is not a good feeling. No, but you're letting it happen. It's kind of your fault. Right.

He made it pretty clear, actually. And you were like, okay. I allowed that boundary to dig across and then for other boundaries that you cross. So yeah, makes sense. Well, you know, you're human. No problem. All right. No, I mean, that's why I'm here.

Yeah. So just put I needed a bit. All right, no, I mean, it's why I'm here. Yeah, so just put a stop to it. You don't need to like threaten him to tell his girlfriend or fiance, that's his problem. He's not gonna marry this girl, by the way. I think you should do some exploring into why you got caught up in this mess.

Because the more you talk about this, the more it's like, what the fuck were you doing? And you're way too invested in this guy. And even after I tell you to cut this off, and even if you actually listen to my advice, you're gonna have a hard time doing it, and you're gonna still be thinking about him in the relationship, because that's his human nature,

and you should ask yourself why. Well, actually, I wouldn't ask yourself why. Are you in therapy? I was just gonna say, I'm gonna tell my therapist on Friday, so. What, have you been talking to your therapist about this at all, period? I have.

I haven't really, because there's other trauma going on in life, in life. What other, what do you also got going on? Oh, you know, life, you know, the work. All right, well it's all connected. Trying to, kind work. All right. Well, it's all connected. Trying to, trying to adults. Yes.

So hot girl with stomach issues, you know, all the things. All right. Well, I got to go, but, uh, yeah, but listen, you, you have a lot going for you. You got a job, you're a beautiful person. You know, I'm glad you're in therapy, but you're in a toxic situation that you've put yourself in. You very much are a co-conspirator in this whole situation. You're doing stupid things, you're not a stupid person,

and you're wasting a lot of mental energy on people not worth your time. And I would explore that with your therapist. Yeah, sounds about right. Gotta do that. I'll get to work. Thank you for the homework. All right. Well, take care. I think it comes down to ego. So thank you. I appreciate it. I want you to address it so you don't get yourself into another one in the future.

No, I completely agree. Cause I know my value is in my worth. I know what I want and this is none of that. It's the complete opposite. So it's like, you're right. I think there is some soul searching to do here of why am I letting something like this happen when I know what's wrong. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. All right. Good luck. Cut it off. Thank you. Yeah, no, like seriously, you have inspired me. Like this is the kick in the ass I needed because like you said, like, of course all the girlies are like,

oh my god, that's horrible. But hearing you say this, a male perspective is kind of the nail in the coffin here. You are allowing him to embarrass you. Yeah, it's not a good feeling. And all around bad vibes. All right, put a stop to it. And when you do it, this is not a good negotiation.

You should do this over text, by the way. Just send a text, get it over with. 100%. And reread your text before you send it. You're not negotiating, you're not asking him, there's no we, you are done with this, you would like him to stop, period. Yeah.

All right? Yeah, I'm on it, seriously, I'm on it. All right, good luck, take care. I appreciate you guys. All right, bye-bye. Thank. All right. Yeah. I'm on it. Seriously. I'm on it. I appreciate you guys. All right. Bye bye. Thank you. Bye. Helix sleep! Wish I was in my Helix mattress right now. I tell you that right now because I am sleepy. But when I get done, whenever I get done with work, I am so excited to lay my heavy head on my Helix mattress because it is the most comfortable mattress ever made. Truly, it's the greatest invention right next to electricity. I actually would put it right before electricity because I don't need light when I'm sleeping.

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