The Viall Files - E87 Ask Nick - Stuff That Makes Us Feel Bad with Maria Viall

Episode Date: February 3, 2020

Nick’s sister, Board Certified Holistic Nutritionist Maria Viall, joins us to help answer listener questions. But first, she shares some wisdom on why we eat things that make us feel bad. Then we talk to someone afraid her boyfriend isn’t over his ex wife, a woman who had a crazy hookup with her uber driver, and someone whose husband never goes down on her. “Did you rate him five stars?” Be sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode! THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS: THIRDLOVE: https://www.thirdlove.com/viall LIQUID IV: https://liquid-iv.com CODE: VIALL SHIPSTATION: https://www.shipstation.com; click the microphone; code VIALL HELLOFRESH: https://www.hellofresh.com/viall10 See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hello everybody, welcome to another episode of Vile Files. Happy Monday to those of you tuning in on time. Joined here by my producer, Rochelle. Hello. I'm Nick. Joined here by my producer, Rochelle. Hello. I'm Nick.

And once again, my sister Maria in studio, joining us for another segment of Ask Nick and sharing some of her wellness and holistic eating expertise. Did I say it right? I don't know. She knows how to talk about food. I was gonna say, I feel like you're overcomplicating it.

What's the simple version? Just, yeah, health and wellness. Health and wellness. Nutrition and how it can make you feel better. You don't need to throw in all the fancy stuff. We were roundtabling before we started recording and thinking about, what are some things people might be interested in talking about when it comes to health and wellness and food?

And Rochelle brought up the shame around food or how we eat and what we eat and feeling bad about sometimes eating it. Would I say that right, Rochelle? Well, I was saying I eat food that I know makes me not feel good. And I'm like, okay, I don't have a doctor's diagnosis, but I know it doesn't make me feel good, but then I still keep eating it.

Yeah. And I think that's incredibly common. Yeah. I think anytime we're doing something that we know we're not going to feel good or somebody has told us that it's not good for us and we do it, there's this like shame, right? Because you want to do,

you think like, why am I doing this? I know I'm going to feel like crap, but we do you do it anyways and like arguably we do that in relationships too right you kind of very true dating the same person you're like why did i do that again like i know that this is gonna end this way yeah um our patch kids oh that's his analogy he was i have this dating advice i give with sour patch Patch Kids. Don't you love Sour Patch Kids? I do. Is that, you know, how do Sour Patch Kids work, right? We eat them. Our mouths will salivate even when we think about them.

And we'll go to the movies and say, oh, should I get a sweet? And I'll get Sour Patch Kids. And then we eat a lot until we feel bad. And then like two weeks later, we'll go to the movies again. Yeah. And then you'll think about, should I eat Sour Patch Kids? I know eat a lot till we feel bad and then like two weeks later we'll go to the movies again. Yeah. And then you'll think about, should I eat Sour Patch Kids? I know I'm gonna feel bad.

Like, fuck it, I'm gonna do it anyways and I get that instant gratification and when we literally date people, we'll try to like, and then we have this, we know that with food we can't survive off of Sour Patch Kids.

Right. We can't nourish our wellness or health with Sour Patch Kids but people we date can be similar in terms of like we expect them to like nourish our emotional feelings and needs. And yet they actually are very much like Sour Patch Kids where it's instant gratification, feels good in the moment, but then they're really good to actually make us feeling terrible.

Yeah. That bad at ourselves. They are toxic. Well, I also think it's like, why are you surprised at the same result? You know, like it's like you're constantly surprised, like, oh God, like, but you're doing the same thing, you know. So I think with food, like it, this comes up a lot with my clients and the people I work with. I dress it a lot too, in the programs that I offer, because for me to sit here and just tell people or explain to people like what they should or shouldn't do, Like there's a hundred gazillion thousand diet books out there

that like all have shown. Yeah, it's scientific. They've all shown success to people, right? But there's a reason why they keep coming out with more. It's because it's not as easy as just like someone, having someone tell you. Like it's, there's so much emotion that comes to food there's like so much emotion there's willpower there's old story patterns there's how you were

raised i mean we were talking about how coming from a big family like we inhale food like it's i don't even think we taste it like you inhale it get there with our meals and go yeah exactly it's like a cobra yeah and and to change that to some degree it takes some sense of awareness so like when i'm working with people and this comes up you know part of it is you know people are like i don't have enough willpower so it's like oh i just don't have enough willpower you know or i emotionally eat when i'm upset and really what it comes down to is you really have a lack of trust around food. Yes. Like you actually don't trust yourself around food. It's not a lack of willpower because I tell people if you didn't have willpower, you would smack the person in front of you at the grocery store who was like,

let me go run back and get some lemons. Right. Like you have willpower. You exude it all the time throughout the day. So you can't tell me that with food, you don't have willpower. It's just more so you don't trust your decision around it. And so when you make a decision that in your mind, you don't think you should be, it's like the trust is gone and you just kind of go balls to the wall into it and then you feel shame about it. Yeah. So it's a matter of more so establishing your trust in your decisions. Like if you're able to, and this takes work, right? So if you're able to, and by no means am I like a psychologist or therapist in this, but, you know, this comes up time and time again.

Like someone saying, oh, you know, like, oh, I was doing so well. And then I went to, you know know this family gathering and my grandma's like you know rice pudding or whatever it is like came out and I just like ate a ton of it and then like I just kept going yeah right because you told yourself that for some reason you built this up that rice pudding is bad right and so now I've decided to have the rice pudding so it's like all of my inhibition is out the window and I no longer trust myself. So I'm just going to like keep going for it. And I'm going to make that bad feeling. I'm going to like lean into that bad feeling because there's comfort in the discomfort. There is comfort in feeling

uncomfortable around food. What is what does that mean? So, you know, say Sour Patch Kids, you know, you're going to feel like crap. Yeah. But you you know you're going to feel like crap. Yeah. But you know you're going to feel like crap. Like, you know it's going to taste good and it's going to feel like crap. So you're going to kind of, you feel comfortable with that bad feeling. Yeah. So this is like, you know, when you know somebody who kind of dates the same person, they have the same thing or, you know, not to bring up like abusive relationships and people are

like, well, why wouldn't you leave? It's like, because I know I'm uncomfortable in this situation, but that gives me comfort. Why does feeling that way give us comfort? Because you know the results. You know. So it's scarier for you to, like, give me an example. Yeah, give me an example of a situation or a food you would emotionally eat.

OK, so what I love to do is if I've had a bad day, I get takeout from like, I have a Thai place, I get pad see you and I know it's going to be delicious. And it's going to make me feel really full. And I watch like my favorite show while I eat it. Okay. And that's going to make me feel better. And you feel and you feel bad. Like after you eat it, you physically don't feel well? Yeah. Okay. So what if, let's take the same scenario. You get home from work, you're hungry, and you're like, you know what? Instead of doing that takeout, I'm going to maybe go for a walk outside, come home, and make some food. What about that scenario doesn't sound fun? I don't know if I'll get full enough.

Right. So there's some discomfort'll get full enough. Right. So there's some discomfort with it. Yeah. Right. So you're like, I don't know if it'll satisfy me. Totally. And it might not make you feel bad. You also don't know that too, right?

It actually, you might actually feel really good. But because you don't know that outcome, it makes you uncomfortable. Okay. So you're uncomfortable with the fact that like making a different decision might result in you being hungry yeah might result in you not feeling satisfied well you were talking about rochelle you're like i like to do this yeah it makes me feel so much better if i'm feeling like stressed or something yeah in the moment yeah it does because so there's comfort knowing like you know full well so i tell this to people all the time,

like you know when you're going for it, right? Like you get the efforts, right? You get the fuck it. You're like, fuck it. And you know the outcome, but you turn that part off in the moment. I was talking with a friend who had a toxic relationship with a guy.

It's a lot of details, but then we're sitting down for coffee. She's like, well, I think i'm just gonna grab a movie with him tomorrow i'm like why you know you've done all these other things to try to push him away now you're doing this and she's just like i just yeah fuck it you know because she knows she knows in the moment while going up to the movie leading the movie being in the movie she knows in that moment she'll feel good and then she knows when she leaves she'll feel bad yeah and have a lot of confusion but she's just probably dismissing all of that like i'll worry about that then it's satisfying to avoid right so at some point yeah you going and getting that food yeah and sitting and watching a show is filling a void

of comfort satisfaction feeling like there's enough oh no feeling no we all have it you know and some people do it with food some people do with relationships most people do it with food food is or both at the same time less messy less feelings right but at the toxic boy and get sour patch but it's arguably like more damaging to you right because like exactly you emotionally are beating yourself up because you feel shame. Like, why did I do it again? And then you're physically overcoming it. So the other thing with that,

and I try to make this really clear with people is sometimes we can make ourself feel physically sick from food because we've decided it makes us feel sick. Okay. And it doesn't actually make you feel sick. It's a head thing. It's total.

So the fact that like your mind and body, your mind and your gut are so connected. So this makes a big difference in terms of like, when I'm working with somebody who legitimately has some like physical condition that's affecting them. And it's like how you think affects your digestion and your digestion affects your brain.

Like it all goes into one. So think about when you get like really good news or bad news, like you could lose your appetite. You could like feel sick to your stomach. And so if you go into eating food thinking like this is bad for me, I'm going to feel sick and you haven't even taken a bite. Yeah. There's no way that takeout is going to all of a sudden you're going to be like, oh my

God, I actually feel phenomenal. Like that surprised me. And so I see this with people and this can actually get to the point where we get a little too obsessed with healthy eating, where you eat something where you've like vowed that you wouldn't have or you had too much. And then we start being like, well, I'm not going to feel good. This is going to make me feel bad. Yes. And so how you think before you eat has a bigger impact, I think, on how that food breaks

down in your body than the food itself. Wow. So if you're stressed out and you're about to like dig into some, like, let's not always make it bad food because it's not necessarily always like, you know, bad food. But let's say you're like, I'm not doing gluten, right? Like I'm not doing gluten.

And you have like this lovely loaf of sourdough toast with butter. And you're like, this is going to make me feel bloated and sick. I just know it. Or if you're like, oh, this isn't pasture raised eggs. Like these are going to be,

these are so toxic. Right. And you go into eating that with that stress, you're telling you're sending signals to your body that something's happening, something that you're consuming. There's stress somewhere. And what your body does in a state of stress, regardless if it's real or perceived, is it shuts down like digestion shuts down because you're in a state of survival. So like if you were being attacked by a tiger your body's

going to be like we're not going to digest this food we're going to send blood to her extremity so she can run the hell away from this tiger like we're not going to break down the sourdough bread or we're not going to break down the takeout right and so your digestion stops and food sits in your stomach and it ferments and you feel bloated and you feel gassy and you feel like crap yeah even though you're sitting on the couch watching net, like you're for sure not being chased by a tiger. So when we have those thoughts before we even eat food, we don't even give our body a chance to even potentially see if what you're eating, in fact, does make you feel like crap.

So I don't, trying to kind of step back from this. Like for sure, don't eat food that you know makes you feel bad. Yeah. Like or do it and then just know you're going to feel like crap. So there's. Or I guess what you're saying is just don't sit there and judge yourself and get worked up and anxiety about it. Just choose to cheat and go for it. Right.

And just take a breath. Enjoy the moment. Yeah. i'll give an example so i always tell my clients like pick your poison choose to do it or don't do it and then get over it yeah like don't choose to not do it like don't say i'm not gonna get takeout and then sit there and be like oh and i do it when i do it when i do it and then eat a salad and then go get takeout anyway. So we do that sometimes. But choose to do it or don't. Yeah, exactly. Like I had this client who was like, well, I have this client who was like, I know, I know dark chocolate is good for me, but I don't really like dark chocolate.

And I was like, okay, well, what do you like? She's like, I like milk chocolate. And I'm like, well, yeah. So you probably eat a whole bar of dark chocolate because it's good for you and then like go get M&M's because it's not satisfying you so do it or don't do it and then get over it and then I so I had this client come back and she's like I took your advice I went to this party had a they had cake because my whole thing is like decide what's really worth it right like don't eat taco dip if you can get taco dip and it's really doesn't look that good like don't like it's not worth it but if you're gonna do it go for

it so she's like i had a piece of cake i ate it slowly it felt really good and then i went back and had another piece of cake like why did i do that like oh why did i do that like i had the cake i should have just been happy with it and i'm like when did this happen she's like two weeks ago like you realize that you worrying about's like two weeks ago like you realize that you worrying about that for two weeks is worse than if you would have ate the entire cake yeah because now everything you've eaten since that two week you've like just had the stress because you had a second piece of cake so shame around food is so real and and sometimes it's just a matter of like providing some idea of like knowing that you're

not always going to choose great and nobody has a perfect day shit i do this for a living i never have a perfect day because perfect is so exactly there's no perfect you know there's things that you you should have an idea of like some guidelines yeah and and really people end up getting lost in the details of the perfection and get caught up on not having like a spirulina beverage or uh you know well you know like that for some reason that equates health yeah it can help you get there yeah but you not having it isn't going to make that day right you know continue to perpetuate yeah poor habits and I think maybe I'll just if I'm feeling that urge maybe I'll just make a different decision just to see what happens yeah and sometimes I

so the other suggestion is to do like a small detour right so that's like a really well groomed path for you like so once you make that decision you're like tunnel vision into the takeout yeah versus if you're like you know what when I think I'm going to make that decision I'm going to like maybe I'll go for like maybe I'll take a different way home yeah and like I still might come home and do the takeout and like go all in but it's a little bit of a detour and if you do that enough of times your detour becomes so much further away from the takeout yeah that it takes a lot more convincing to end up doing the takeout you're like actually no i like took a different way home and then i decided to take a walk and

then i had a glass of water yeah you know so it's like don't expect overnight. Yeah. I gotta take a break. I need it off my screen. No more poison pizza. Yeah. Yeah. But it's true. It's like taking these little detours. So if you know that you have like a weakness, take three breaths before you decide to like

eat the entire bag of chips. Yeah. Literally. And that sounds weird. You're still eating the entire bag of chips, but you're taking a pause between that moment that might allow you an opportunity to choose differently. That's great stuff.

Thanks. Well, I think people are really enjoying these little tips and tricks from you. Well, I think it can be daunting. Change is, I mean, change in anything is daunting, but when it comes to food, it's so personal. I mean, it's so personal. There's some satisfaction to it. There's shame. I mean, it's like the ultimate baggage.

Dating and food. I know. How do we do it? Well, you can find Maria at MariaVile.com. If you're looking for more information from Maria about healthy eating, she has programs that you can get from her, and she also does some one-on-one stuff as well. Also check out natural habits on Instagram. And Maria has a series of videos that we put out that obviously include some tips and tricks around essential oils, but more important, more in addition to that rather, other healthy wellness eating tips and tricks about cravings and sugar or other diets that we put in there as well so also have another great episode for you lined up so stick with us

and coming up next some callers some questions marie and i help save the world thanks for listening don't forget to send your questions at ask asknickatcastmedia.com. Rate us five stars on iTunes if you so desire. We appreciate you listening. Also, Maria, as you know, is our co-founder with Natural Habits. She is doing a series of wellness tips and tips and tricks for healthy lifestyles on our Instagram at naturalhabits. wellness tips and tips and tricks for healthy lifestyles on our Instagram at naturalhabits. And check us out at NHOils.com for all your essential oil needs.

When Maria's here, we will do 30% off. Code Maria. Keep it real simple. Code Maria. 30% off. NHOils.com. And stick with us for some great calls. Thanks for listening.

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Best value, delicious choice. Mm-mm-mm. Question time with Vic. Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. how's it going hi uh i'm nicole and i'm 25 hi nicole 25 how can we help all right so i sent a long email but i'll just give you guys the gist. I just started, or it's been a couple months now, seeing this person that I met on the dating app. And basically, everything's super great, except for the problem of he is still legally married. And he's separated. So he's not living with his wife. But legally speaking speaking he's a married man and uh that's what i'm seeking advice on what i mean what's what specifically though i mean because

in theory if he's separated uh and there's you know you're comfortable with the clear lines that have been drawn in his past relationship and it's just a legal issue uh what is the issue is it the idea that bothers you uh what's going on so yeah the idea of it and also basically my what my friends are concerned about is that they think that he's probably not emotionally ready to be having a relationship based on the fact that his 10-year relationship ended less than a year ago. Okay. How well do your friends know this guy? I mean, they don't, but I talk to them. I tell them things. Okay. Well, then what are your concerns that you're projecting to them and then they're telling

you were concerned? Because your friend's opinions, know offense to your friends like they're not they're in no place to to uh have an opinion about how emotionally he's ready about a relationship they know nothing about yeah so what is he doing that makes you think he's not over him over her um he doesn't specifically say anything to me but I'm concerned about like he's definitely like seems sad and he'll say vague things like about being upset about the holidays because of his his family is different now and like he was sad about the holidays as a existence and it just feels like he's like in an emotional state where he's not happy. And I'm concerned that it's like things like that,

that I'll send screenshots of that kind of text to my friends and they'll be like, Oh yeah, he's totally not. Does he have kids? No, he has pets though. Wait,

hold on. I do have a, I do. Do they, do you, do they share the pets yeah yeah okay so he still has a tie to his ex he's still like courted in a way and so yeah that's going to add some i mean he's not totally over it like do you know the details of how it ended? No, only vaguely that he kind of said, like, they had been having serious issues for, like, a year before they actually ended.

And he said, like, he was miserable and that, you know, it was, like, had been coming for, like, a year. But I don't know the details of, like, what exactly the issues were. Was it mutual? Or did he prompt it mutual or did he prompt it or did she prompt it or it sounded like from the way he described it that they were just really fighting and he was the one who said i'm gonna move out and she agreed how long you been hanging out with this guy since like october since october okay so it's been a few months now uh and then and where are you guys like has he is he pursuing something more serious with you for example is he are you guys just hanging out and he's just like hey I like you let's and you're feeling the pressure of him moving forward

and you're just like I don't know if you're ready or you know you know I'm saying what's what's going on there yeah so I guess like that's kind of the other thing is that we haven't had a conversation about that. Like we've been hanging out like a couple of times a week and we talk every day, but we haven't had a conversation about like being girlfriend and boyfriend or anything. But I mean, the way he treats me and talks to me is like, I feel like he treats me like his girlfriend. He just like hasn't said it.

We haven't talked about it. So I guess that's the other thing that, you know know my friends are concerned about and i'm concerned about too that i'm like well it's been like several months and we haven't said anything about our relationship status and i feel like the married thing is kind of why i'm afraid to ask because it's like can he have a wife and a girlfriend like i don't know if that's something he's comfortable with or i'm comfortable with it sounds to me like you're you're stressing out about these kind of labels and concepts and you know things that you kind of envisioned for yourself it doesn't sound like it would when i listen i mean i don't know what maria thinks but in the details it doesn't sound

like there's a lot of potential issues here. I mean, this is a situation, and it's a situation that it's good that you're mindful of the fact that, hey, he was married for 10 years, and it didn't work out, and there's a grieving process. But if he's open and ready to date, that's great. But the fact that you're mindful of it means that, like, hey, you might take things slow, and that's okay, that You don't necessarily need to define the relationship. Listen, you can be mindful of the fact that because he's been married for 10 years, he's only used to kind of being in a relationship. So this kind of monogamous mentality, which is really great,

but him treating you like a girlfriend, it's kind of like all he really knows, which is a good thing. It's good that he seems to want that. No, that's totally my concern, too, that I'm like, I don't know if he's treating of like all he really knows which is a good thing it's good that he seems to like want that that's totally my concern too that i'm like i don't know if he's treating me like a girlfriend because he you know considers us to be at that point or to be getting there soon or because he was married for so long that that's just how he knows that you know he likes me and that's just like how he treats women and it doesn't have anything to do with like where he sees this going so what do you want out of this? Yeah. I was going to say like,

like no offense to like what he, why he's doing what he's doing. Like, do you want this to turn into a relationship? Yeah. Ideally I would. I really like him. And what do you like about him?

We have a lot in common. Like what? We like the same types of food.'re both in similar careers um okay how do you how does he make you feel how does he make you feel he makes me feel happy and i think that one of the things about him is i've never had a man be as nice to me as he is before okay which is nice we've like nice he's nice really really a nice person, and he goes out of his way to be thoughtful. And I've never had somebody that would do things like that before. You feel like he's attentive to your needs?

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You know what I will say? It's going to make your life so much better. You know what I will say is I like being around people who are in good moods. And from what I hear from the women community, if a bra is uncomfortable, it can be annoying. It really can dig into your ribs. Yeah. And so in that sense, I do love a perfect bra. So the great thing about Third Love,

you probably already know this, but they have half cups. So if you're not feeling it out, if you're feeling out too much, just get that half cup. Try it out. Yeah. They have a fit finder quiz and it's actually kind of fun to take. And then by the end, you will find your perfect bra. My favorite Third Love bra is the 24-7 Classic T-shirt bra. It's their number one selling bra, and it goes great under everything. It's super comfortable, and it doesn't make lines in your T-shirt like some other bras do. We don't want to have kind of a match for their love lives, and we don't, I'm assuming, want it with our bras either.

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for 15% off today. I love mine. What else do you like about them? I mean, if this is your guy, you should be able to keep talking. Yeah. I feel like we just get along I mean, if this is your God, you should be able to keep talking. Yeah. I feel like we just get along well.

We have a good connection. And he's someone that it just comes easy with when I'm talking to him and I'm hanging out with him. I feel like I can be myself and I just feel happy and relaxed when I'm with him and like I can talk to him about my job and about my life and that he like really cares and cares about me and getting to know me and uh is there is the fear that I guess I'm trying to understand is the fear that he's not quite over this you want to move forward and if you kind of continue down this path and there's no there isn't any clarity at some point you're going to get like duped and it's going to be like actually i was never over her and this isn't actually something serious is that that is exactly what i'm afraid of happening is he in any way aware of your concerns no why not because i'm afraid to

talk to him about it why Why? Because you're afraid. Because I'm afraid that the answer is not going to be what I want to hear. Well, that doesn't solve your... And I'm afraid that he's going to... He's going to confirm my fears if I talk to him about it. That's what I'm afraid of. He's going to confirm his fears now or later. That might, but yeah.

I mean, one way or another, you're going to find out. Yeah. It just might be... Yeah. It just might be, would you rather find out now or find out when he realizes much later after you've invested even more of your time and energy? If that's the case.

We're not saying this is the case. Yeah, I'm just saying in theory. This idea, like the point is, I think our point is, this is not a relationship you're not ready to define the relationship with him because you're not in a position right now where you feel comfortable uh voicing your concerns you haven't talked with him about uh how he's feeling you haven't checked in with his emotions you haven't talked about you you know you're you're not you're

not in a position to define the relationship because you can't, this is not a, you're not there yet. You don't feel comfortable asking him how he feels and checking in and asking questions where you might be afraid of the answer. That's a relationship to be able to face that. And you're not there yet. And until you are, you're not ready to define it, you know? Like, why would you you if you asked him if you got off the phone with us and call him up and said hey do you want to be my girlfriend and he said yes immediately would you be okay with that knowing that you don't feel comfortable um sharing your sharing your feelings and your concerns and frustrations knowing that you might not be okay

with the answer and the answer is probably not yes or no the answer somewhere in the middle is you know what from time to time i feel sad sad. Sometimes I feel sad that my marriage didn't work out. I never imagined I'd get divorced. Sometimes I'll be honest, sometimes I miss her, but then I realize it's not her I miss, it's that we did X, Y, and Z. But you got to be able to talk about it with this guy, especially if he's a guy that you think you can date. And you can have that conversation without it being i need to know where this is going it could simply just say hey you know i know that this you're going through a tough time or this has been a tough time and and he's obviously shared with you he's going through a tough time right so i mean he didn't

have any fear of sharing with you i'm sad because this is different than when i was with her and you know what i mean so for you to say hey sad because this is different than when I was with her. And you know what I mean? So for you to say, hey, I know this is a tough time, but or this is a tough time. There's no buts about it. And just say, I it's important for me to for you to know where I'm coming from. And there is an aspect that I'm a bit hesitant because I know this is a tough time and I'm hesitant to continue or move forward not knowing if you're ready for it. I mean, that's like just a conversation or ready to date. You don't even have to say ready for a relationship. That's just a conversation saying what you're hesitant of. That's not saying, hey, decide if I'm your next forever, right? Yeah. And I think, again, I don't think you are ready to define a relationship yet,

but I think you need to be able to have a conversation with them and say, Hey, listen, you don't have to define the relationship to say, I like you. And I just want you to know, I like spending time with you. And I want you to know that if I'm here, if you want to talk about things and I won't judge you, like I make him feel safe to let him know that maybe sometimes he misses being married, you know, without you judging him or you getting defensive about his feelings towards you. Right? Because these are natural feelings he might be having. But if you make him, whether indirectly or you give the impression by not communicating with him that he's not allowed to have these feelings, then he's not going to use, you're not going to be the person he turns to to express his feelings. It's going to be someone else.

I mean, I, I try and I try to like open up to him about like when I have a bad day and like talk to him about that stuff to try to like. Yeah. But you're being kind of passive aggressive there. You're like, Hey, I've had a bad day. How was yours? Yeah. I want you to open up.

He still might not be able to say, he not, he might not be able to be more direct about it. Yeah. But like like a nice non-threatening he doesn't owe you anything there's no right or wrong answer you're just there for him to talk to you without judgment you know that you understand you you've never been married but like i can only imagine what it might be like i just want you to know that like i like you and i want to keep getting to know you and i understand that like this might be a process for you because

you're still not even like legally divorced yet so that's something you're going to have to ask yourself. Are you okay with that? Are you okay with taking it slower because of this? Just because he's not over it yet. Totally. Yeah. He might not be a hundred percent over it. That doesn't mean you can't hang out with him. It doesn't mean you can't date him. I mean, I remember this is different. Like my first girlfriend, I did it off and on for seven years, right? We had a bunch of breakups. We got back together. It was one of those first love relationships. And I finally realized that I ended the relationship. I met someone else and then like, I kind of had to meet a new girl to get over the last relationship in a

sense. And then I did it for her for a year and a half. And then we broke up. And I'll be honest, there were lots of times after I broke up with the second girl that I thought to myself I didn't fully get over that first relationship until that second relationship ended I don't know how to explain it but it yeah I did it for her for so long and I was so used to it that like from time to time she popped in my head and it doesn't mean i wasn't in love with the second girl it doesn't it doesn't take anything away it's just that i did it for so long you know and it's my first girlfriend that like it was just impossible for me to think of her from time to time and i wanted to not feel guilty about that and i still loved the second girl you know what i'm saying so some people especially in new relationships are like well if you ever

think about her that means you don't love me enough or whatever be the person if you want if you think if you see a real future with this guy be the person that he can really open up to and trust to and talk about and you help him get over it from time to time you know because expecting him to get over it and telling me he needs to get over it and having your friends be like well he's not over it yet so i don't know if it's safe for you to go there. You know, I don't think that's going to help any situation. I mean, they just don't want me to get hurt. Yeah. Yeah, but I agree with that.

But now you're guessing his feelings without talking to him about his feelings. Because you're afraid of the answer. Also, I'm going to just say this for you. So, yes, be there for him. Let him feel safe to talk to you about it. Let him be open. It sounds like he's pretty open. I mean, the fact that he told you he was sad over the holidays.

let him be open it sounds like he's pretty open i mean the fact that he told you he sat over the holidays but at the same time you have to feel just as comfortable sharing with him your concerns concerns and if you're scared to share your concerns because you think that's going to be a deal breaker then this is then then even if this continues on and you guys are together for four or five years you're establishing a dynamic where you are a sounding board for him but you know you're not going to share how you feel because you're afraid it might rock the boat like you would you want to be in a relationship where you can have the tough conversations and you feel safe sharing that knowing that you guys both might feel uncomfortable talking about it but it's not like it's going to end things because you brought up a concern, right?

Right. Yeah. You definitely need to, I couldn't agree with Maria more. You need to be able to ask questions that you're afraid of the answer of. In fact, every time you're afraid of the answer, you should insist on yourself to ask that question. When you are afraid of an answer, that is a question you absolutely have to ask yeah it's a question that you the answer is is probably fairly important in how you move forward and and not asking it is only delaying it it's not gonna right it's not gonna make it go away because eventually one way or the other you'll get that answer it's just gonna be on

his time not yours yeah that's kind of what I was hoping would happen sooner. Well, I mean, you're just waiting around for him. Yeah, you're waiting for him this time. If you're just going to sit around and wait for him, you know, he's going to take his time. And it's not an epilogue on him. You're literally giving him permission to say, well, I'm just going to use this girl. And he's not thinking I'm using this girl, but you're there. And then he just might realize that all you were was a rebound, you know, but he's just processing so much right now. He's not being forced to face that, right?

So be there for him. And yeah, but you have to hold them accountable because he can't use you and you can't just be a rebound. So it's this balance act, balancing act of addressing the questions and just being given, like, let him know that it's okay to disappoint you. But at least you're getting clarity. Don't avoid clarity just because it's scary. Yeah. And Nicole, with that, like, know that when you ask the questions, you might get answers

you don't want to hear. Right. And so I think having a little bit of time before asking the questions and just being like, I might hear something that I don't want to hear. I might hear something that's going to end things or might wreck the boat. Or I'm going to ask questions that really take us to the next level. I'm going to ask questions that the answer is going to give me some clarity in how I feel and how he feels.

And it brings us into a better position relationship wise right so there's it's both both things can happen but neither will happen if you just hold those questions tight hoping that he's going to act in a different way bring it up himself you know because yeah like you want him immediately it's like in your perfect world you want him to immediately... He's not going to do it. It's like in your perfect world, you want him to A, reach out to you and define the relationship and then just stop looking sad. Yeah. You know? It's not going to happen.

It's not going to happen. Most likely what's going to happen, even if you bring up some of these tough questions is, from what you're describing, I don't suspect you're going to get an answer you don't want. It's going to be somewhere in the middle. He might express to you, if you allow him to feel safe that he still has sadness and misses being married. And that might be tough for you to hear, but it might not have anything to do with how he feels about you. It's just that he might have met a great girl sooner than he expected while going through this

divorce, right? Right. So don't make him feel unsafe to be able to express that if you want to have that type of relationship with him, right? And if you do get an answer you don't make him feel unsafe to be able to express that if you want to have that type of relationship with him right and if you do get an answer you don't want if he just if you force the issue then you have to be okay to walk away but like maria said neither will happen if you just pretend you know what you want right now is not realistic yeah it's like your your gas tank is slowly going down avoiding the gas station is not going to make you not run out of gas right like you can't just avoid you know you have to i don't know if there's gonna be gas there yeah you're like you know what i'm you know what i'm pretty sure i'll be fine i'll just wait to the next exit like you you you have a feeling something there is a concern you address it and perhaps you

just don't know maybe that will be something you bringing it up to him might be something that he's like wow you know what I never felt safe to have these conversations in my last relationship I really appreciate the fact that this is even considered right so you just don't know but the less that you let somebody else steer the boat in terms of needing validation on where it's going and you just simply ask the tough questions um the better you're going to feel and if it is something serious the better your relationship will be long term yeah well hopefully that was helpful friends are nice but like you need to talk to him more yeah stop you know going to your friends and giving those opinions, you know. Yeah.

And just establish a relationship with the guy, this guy that's about communication and worrying and worry about defining it a little bit later. You know, you get to know him, you know. Yeah. All right. No, that's fair. I appreciate your guys' advice. All right.

Really nice and helpful. Thanks, Nicole. Best of luck. Take care. Okay. All right. Thank guys' advice. You're really nice and helpful. Thanks, Nicole. Best of luck. Take care. Okay. All right. Thank you, guys. You're welcome. I do that with the doctor sometimes. I'll just not go. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. I don't want to find out. Well, yeah. Actually, that was

a better analogy. That's what I do with the scale. I just don't get on it. Avoiding it isn't going to prevent it from happening, right? I don't look at my bank account. Yeah, no. Right. Yeah. I do that with a lot of things. Most people do. If I'm worried about gonna prevent it from happening right but i don't look at my bank account yeah no right yeah i do that with a lot of things i'll be like most people do if i'm worried about something my my go-to is to avoid finding out yes but what you do is you avoid and then you obsess about it yes you avoid it and then you're like oh my god but what if and then you call me up and you're like well what if

what if it's what about this and what about this and what about this it's like well why don't you pile it up and why don't you just find out like i'm pretty sure you don't have ebola right like it's like why don't you just find out if but i might yeah well or you could just i don't know i don't have a sinus infection my mentality is if i go to the doctor and take the test then it somehow in my mind increases the likelihood that i'll get be positive for like eb Ebola or something. Right. But then what happens when you go and you actually just get a clear answer, you can then make a plan, right?

If something is up, then you can at least address it. If nothing's up, then you can breathe easily. Sitting in perpetual purgatory while avoiding an outcome is the absolute worst place to be in life. And then checking in with a bunch of people who have no oh asking like ability to give you as seven or eight people their opinion it's like that's enough to drive you nuts and that's the thing to that analogy me calling up friends and asking them their medical advice who have no medical knowledge is literally the same about asking friends about a guy's marriage

totally um for 10 years they know what's going on might as well be doing it because they did some guy once like it's like because my kid had a cold one so let me give you my medical opinion on why and people will give it to you because everyone loves to be an expert like oh you're asking oh well i would love to tell you what i think yeah i've one time had to take a cough drop so i clearly know everything about infectious diseases. How's it going? Good. Thanks. Thanks for having me on. My name is Heidi and I'm 29 years old. Hi, Heidi, 29. How can we help? Well, a couple of weekends ago, I was out with my friends and like all great nights do, they ended with an Uber ride home, except this time it was a little different because the driver

was pretty attractive. And I'll spare you the details unless you want them. I want some details. Well, we flirted. I was putting out the vibe and he was giving it back. Just out of curiosity, when did you know he was hot? Like, did you look at his profile or when you got in the Uber? Once I got in the Uber. Yeah.

the uber um once i got in the uber okay yeah so once we got back um home my friends jumped out and i hesitated for just a split second i was kind of curious to see what would happen and that was just enough time for him to turn around and say not you kind of like like you're not getting out of this car so um i was gonna say say, it might be a little creepy. I think it's hot. Yeah. Well, is that the fine line between creepy and hot or, or, or,

you know, whether you are into it or not. I can turn creepy real quick. Real quick. It usually doesn't go the other way around. It's usually not, he's creepy. You were,

you didn't just get into the super by yourself. It was you and two friends. Yeah. Yeah. It was my, yeah, it was my friends. And I would just like to be clear that like it was

completely consensual yeah yeah we're like do you know you that netflix series you it's creepy but also kind of hot yeah well he's hot and then you know anyways so anyways so he says not he kidnaps you um you're you stayed as uber yep so my friends got out of the car. I shut the door instead and we ended up hooking up right there in his car. Oh. Hot. Did you give him five stars?

Yeah. Did you give him five stars? Yeah. Did you have to rate him twice? Please tell me right after you're done you're like, you know what,

I was going to give you four on your driving performance but not even five. Unfortunately, I wasn't the one who ordered the Uber, but we did joke about that. I was like, I'll have to tell my friend to give you a tip. Yeah, nicely done. A tip, oh my God. All right, so you hook up in the car.

So we didn't exchange numbers or anything. I think we both understood that it was a one-time thing but i was curious about the guy so the next day i looked him up on facebook and i discovered that he's actually engaged all right so i just want time out for a second i want to time out for a second before we get to the engaged part because obviously it sounds like that's the meat of the story but when you say it sounds like we we we both thought this would be a one-time thing clearly you didn't think that in the moment because you immediately, well, what I'm saying is like,

oh, we hooked up in the Uber. I left, I didn't get his number, but then I looked him up on Facebook. Well, you're curious. I know, but why didn't, like, I want to ask this question because I think, the reason I'm asking this question,

it's kind of a question and an answer is that I think a lot of women, if they hook up with a guy in a one-night-stand situation, are afraid to ask for his number and be like, well, I just want to, let's just call it what it is and leave. But you really want his number, but you're afraid he won't give it to you. Yeah, like if he would have said, hey, can I have your number? Would you have given it to him? If he had asked, I would have given it to him.

But since he didn't, I was understanding that that's what it was, and I was also okay with that, because he was a little bit younger than me, so, and a different city. How do you know, based on how he looks? Facebook. What? She just looked him up on Facebook. No, but she's saying that in the moment, she didn't ask because he's a little younger.

How do you know? You don't know his age. Oh, because, well, I was putting the vibes out there. I asked him if he had a girlfriend. I asked how old he was and okay so you got you were saying about being younger you were like you were assessing it out on the ride home okay so you look him up on facebook he's engaged yes he's engaged and it looks like they've been together for quite a while okay um i was obviously very surprised and i was shocked at how quickly and easily he lied about having a girlfriend because he lied about having a girlfriend right away, even when there was nothing at stake. Like there were no expectations that something was going to happen. So I thought that that was odd.

And then I also just feel pretty gross. I'm sorry, what was that? When she was flirting with him in the Uber ride, she was just like, hey, who are you? What do you do? Blah, blah, blah. And he offered up. Yeah, but he may have been like, I have three chicks in my car and one of them's pretty cute. Like, I don't know where this is going to go.

So I'm just going to say, I mean, what's the harm? Why didn't he just say silent about it? Well, that's definitely what he did. Well, because, well, because he likes to have sex with some of his clients. He has sex with his Uber driver, his Uber customers. This isn't the first time he's done this, but anyway, let's go. Okay. So like, obviously in addition to being surprised that he was engaged,

I just feel really gross and weird about the whole thing. Cause I would never knowingly be a part of someone cheating on their fiance. Yeah. You weren't part of it. You really weren't part of it. I'm okay with. So what's your question? So my question is um

like i i don't want to tell the girl i have no desire to reach out to her but a very small part of me wonders if she deserves to know so my question is should i or should i not tell her that her fiance cheated on her that's a great question it is a great question i love this call this is my ultimate i'd be curious a. A couple things. I'd be curious. Me and Maria are in agreement in the fact that you weren't part of anything. You did nothing wrong. You, how would you have known?

Right. What you had is a great fun night. You had sex with your Uber driver. That's exciting. When you die someday, that will be a moment you look back and go, good for me. I mean,

I was, I'm yeah, it's a great story. Yeah. I'm a little jealous you know hopefully you have protection if not hopefully you didn't catch anything but like other than that sounds like you had a really good time uh maybe he's like peter and has condoms in his console i mean probably i mean uber drivers have mints and water like i would imagine that i would imagine this

yeah i would imagine there's some there's some pre-planning. I'm not going to expect you to answer that. Anyways, but... No, it was safe. I'll say it. All right, good for you. Good for you. Good for you. I think you should do what you want. I don't think there's a right or wrong answer.

It's not your responsibility to tell this girl. Okay. If you... Listen, there's something to be said by... She probably would want to know, right? And if you want to tell her, I don you're it's bad for you to do that i don't think to say well it's none of my business i mean technically it's none of your i think you kind of have this freedom right now kind of do what like i said like do what you want like yeah maybe you don't want to insert yourself

into something you know nothing about and that's totally understandable but i gotta say from her point of view i mean there's a good chance well like i i would i'd feel safe saying this isn't his first time doing this uh maybe not in the uber car but i'm saying he's a cheater for sure cheated he's a cheater and there's a good chance he's been dating this girl for a long time and like it's his high school college sweetheart and he's just kind of going through the motions and he's one of those like shitty guys who like thinks it's like, well, this is my wife. And but I'm going to fuck around and I'm not going to be man enough to break up with her. Well, I want to like soil my oats. So I'll just like keep her around and eventually I'll marry her.

Maybe he will or maybe not. But she actually might marry this guy. And eventually what will happen, they'll get divorced. So you literally might be saving this girl from a divorce by kind of anonymously just like, you know, I would, would you, I'm round table here. Would you,

would you create an anonymous account and just say, you don't know me, I'm not going to give you my name, but this is what happened. I, or would you, I honestly think first you have to, like you said,

you feel gross and yucky about this. And so you feel you wouldn't be a part of it if you knowingly, if you knew he was in this already. So what are you hoping to get out of telling her? I'm hoping to get nothing out of it. I don't want to tell her. Okay. I'm wondering if I have an obligation to. You don't.

You definitely don't have an obligation to. You don't. You definitely don't have an obligation to. But if you did, it's kind of like you kind of would be doing... I do think you'd be doing a good thing. I don't want to guilt you into telling her, but put yourself in her shoes, I guess.

How do we know it's not open? I guess I would... Because if I don't... i find that people in open relationships are not liars in fact they're quite the opposite they're they're very honest like i'm engaging they're open relations they're very progressive she tells her with her information there's a chance he could come get mad at her right so could you and not is there a way well he doesn't she didn't order the uber so on facebook somebody who also has a facebook profile he's gonna get mad is that correct like on facebook

his engagement is to someone who also has a facebook profile yes okay yeah i mean i bet there's a way that you could i mean i guess you could create a fake profile but if you feel the need like you as a as a i'm going to say as a woman that you feel like you would want to know and and it's your responsibility to just like let her know who she's engaged to i'm sure there's a way you could do it anonymously and you could just say hey let you know this is what happened right you could keep it really short but i think you just have to decide, yeah, there's not a right. It's not for you to write his wrong. Yeah. It's definitely not your responsibility. And if you say, you know what, I just, I don't want to deal with this. I think you don't have to feel any guilt or shame. Like you didn't

do anything wrong. You didn't know. And to Maria's point, don't tell her because you feel like somehow it's going to redeem the fact you had sex with a guy who was engaged yeah you did nothing wrong no you didn't like but if you feel like listen if it were if you're like sitting there and saying if it were me i'd want to know and i need to tell her because of that then you know be at peace with letting her know but listen there was show's point do it as safe as possible because you know you don't know this guy there could be some consequences i would check with your friend who ordered the uber and ask if she's comfortable with it right right i mean listen realistically i don't really think he's gonna like somehow harm you or your friend but right i think ask your friend her opinion right the one who ordered the

uber i mean chances are this isn't the first time i don't know how long ago this was he's done a few ubers he probably couldn't nail it down well again you don't also need to come with like your book of facts like you can just say i mean if it was the only time he's had sex with the girl he might remember well no but what i'm saying though is like you're saying like ask her friend who ordered the uber like she doesn't even need to get involved like if you decide you're gonna tell her you can create a fake account be like hey by hey, by the way, your fiance was my Uber driver. We hooked up. And that's it.

And that's what she can then figure it out. Because I guarantee she's not all of a sudden like, he did what? Like if he is that quick as an engaged man to hook up with an Uber customer. This is not his first time. There's probably some suspicion. And the fact that she's going to probably come back with questions and it's not your responsibility to prove that it happened. All you're doing is letting her know this happened and then she can take that information and do what she wants.

I mean, yes, you're a pretty girl. But to Maria's point, that's the thing. This wasn't like you guys – it's not like he went to a Vegas bachelor party and met you with another bachelorette and like this weekend of passion that finally culminated in you guys hooking up. This was like a five minute Uber ride.

Can I say how long was this Uber ride? He turned around and was like, hey, do you wanna fuck? And he was like, sure. So yes, to Maria's point, there is no way this is his first time and there's a good chance she probably is suspicious yeah she might have already caught him the whole reason he's uber driving yeah you know

like it's a way for him to be like hey sorry I'm on the clock I mean listen so I like be safe and like to Rochelle's point I don't think there's a ton of risk here I hope I'm not saying this and then like you die or something but like you're not gonna die safety first you brought it up Rochelle I'm just saying be safe I'm saying he's gonna be mad at you yes but like ask your friend permission if it's okay to do that because technically

he has her information did you exchange names um yes but he doesn't know my last name okay he might have seen you creeping on his Facebook. You know how it pops up, people you may know? If you look at someone's Facebook, that's something to be... What you could easily do...

Create an anonymous Facebook just for safety and just say, well, that's that one detail of I hooked up with your fiance. He was my Uber driver. You don't even... She knows he's an Uber driver. I don't even think you have to say Uber driver.'t even think you have to say uber driver you don't but if you want her to believe you but that's not up to her that's true that is so not up to her and so the whole you could just say i had sex with your fiance hey by the way i had sex with your fiance i did not know he was engaged i thought

it was i thought i would tell you because i would want to know end of story you don't even need a name girl you need just that letter because he can be like wait what and that's enough because otherwise it's like oh and it's an uber driver are you an uber driver when was she picked up like i don't believe you blah blah blah and like that's not why you're telling her you're telling her this happened in whatever format plant that seed that's all you're doing yeah it could have happened at a gas station in the checkout aisle. I mean, you know, those details don't matter.

The matter is that it happened. I agree. And so now you take away the whole risk of the Uber driver revenge. Yeah. It just happens. You know what? I agree. You're absolutely right. And again, if you don't want to do it, don't do it.

Okay. You think that's okay? It's totally okay. It is not your responsibility to write the con. The only reason you would do it is if you sit there and go, if it were me, I would want to know. So I'm going to kind of pay it forward. And that's why I'm doing it.

And do not tell her to somehow make yourself to like, I'm going to do this because I'm going to take my bad action and make it a good one. You didn't do anything wrong. No. You had fun. You only know this because you went snooping on Facebook. Yeah. You know what I mean?

If you were like, oh, this happened and you shared the story and everyone's like, oh my God, that's so amazing. That's so crazy. Like blah, blah, blah. And you'd be like, yeah, that's right. And you're like, hmm. Yeah. You're like, I don't want to look them up.

Yeah. Okay. Yep. That makes sense. And then you just have to be okay with it. Like I have a feeling part of you is still like there, you feel a little bit of like regret because if you would have known it, you wouldn't have done it.

But you made a decision without the knowledge, you know, now everything about your story is great. You're like, you know, night of passion. It's a great story to tell. You had safe sex.

This is all great things, you know, just don't, don't lose that and don't lose that excitement. Cause it sounds like you did, you did everything right. You know, you allowed't lose that and don't lose that excitement because it sounds like you did everything right. You know, you allowed yourself to take a risk, have some fun. You did it safely. You know, not that a condom is the –

Well, it's not here to give you sex. This is a part of life and you had some fun. Don't sit there and judge yourself for taking a little bit of risk and living life. Hey, put it this way. if this was 20 years ago there was not facebook you would not have found any of this information out and so i'm not saying ignorance is bliss and we should just like avoid the information that we come across but it's again yeah i mean it's not up to you to right his wrong and if you decide to do it great i wouldn't go into detail all you decide to do it, great. I wouldn't go into detail. All you want to do is tell her that it happened and then she can take that information

and do with it what she wants. So it's just, I think, important to understand why you would bring it up. Just start taking this better. You know, now they probably screen there. Yeah. All right. Well, thank you guys.

All right. Take care. Thanks for calling in. All right calling you too bye bye yeah i mean people it's other than the uber you know do i tell her when people find out they hooked up with someone in a relationship or witnessed it like if you see it happen with somebody else and you you kind of know you kind of have to know what you're why are you telling them what your intentions are you know because you can't right or wrong so to speak no um hopefully you're not doing it to get back at anyone if your motivation uh for telling um

someone is because you want to make the other person hurt i don't think that's good you're only telling someone because like she said you're giving that person the opportunity to make a decision because for me i always say like when it comes to cheating you know like what you're doing like listen cheating is not okay you know and people can say i would never cheat and for the most part you can hold yourself accountable but sometimes we are human we make mistakes but the big problem with cheating is people then more often not don't admit to the cheating yeah and don't give the person they cheated on the opportunity to forgive them or not. Right. Well, yeah. And I also think that there's this like assumption of, you know, she kind of said it like I would

want to know. Right. Like, so we assume everybody sees and perceives the situation the same way. Like, I'd want to know if someone's cheating. I guarantee there are a lot of people out there who wouldn't want to know. Like, they're like, because then i have the information or maybe they probably already know they know but they don't want to have proof because like in their mind it's like they're kind of okay with it if they don't know the specifics so for you just

for any of us to be like well it's my responsibility to like enlighten them it's not her responsibility at all but i do think because he chose to involve her, she has the option if she wants to exercise it to get it off her chest and tell her, tell her because she would want to know. But it is not, it is not someone's responsibility to air someone's dirty laundry for them because they feel like, yeah.

You know what I mean? They feel like they're protecting or they're giving someone information that they're not already privy to like i just you know i think that we hold that especially as women it's like well this scumbag did that like i'd want to know if my boyfriend was doing that or my fiancee was doing that and it's like you don't know she may not want to know sure but she might not get it right but because she was involved i think she has a right to exercise the option if she just wants to do it absolutely and and if she's like well i knew or we're open relationship or i didn't want to know then well you know now you know it's kind of hard right it's like you can never unknow something you find out yeah so

it's like hey also with our last caller we talked about like just because you think you don't want to know doesn't mean you don't really. Totally. Totally. So that's why. Ignorance isn't always bliss. I guess the. Ignorance is bliss.

Ignorance. Well, ignorance is bliss until it slams you in the face. So you're like, well, if I only knew two weeks ago. Yeah. Before we got married. Before we got married. I was just going to say, I think, like, the moral of the story is if you have a really great hookup and you're cool with it being a hookup, do not look for that. Do not investigate.

Do not investigate because you're going to find reasons to either make it more or less than what it was. Good story, though. Yeah, great story. Holy cow. How's it going?

Good, thanks. I'm Joy. I'm 27. Hi, Joy, 27. How can we help? Hey, so I wanted to get your advice about something. My husband and I have been married for five years, and we've been together for about seven. As I said in the email, neither of us were virgins, but we decided that we were going to abstain until we got married because we both come from religious backgrounds. And, um, it was just

something that we felt kind of convicted on. We both had been really burnt in the past, whatever. Uh, we did mess around and, uh, he never went down on me. I went down on him. Um, and I just didn't really think anything of it, but we've been married for five years now, um, and counting and he has not ever gone down on me. And it's been the source of lots of like arguments. Um, I feel really frustrated by it because I've had that before and I enjoy it. Um, and it just doesn't seem to be a priority for him. And I don't really know how to handle this now because I've done it. Like there was a, probably a two year period where I actually like told him, like, if you're not going to give it to me, I'm not going to give it to you. And so I didn't go down on him.

And it was, what was his response? Well, he, at the time he was like, know oh please babe are you serious like it really helps with my stress and all this and i was at the time i was hit for sure yeah yeah and i was like i would like to be not stressed as well yeah i'm just gonna say it his his stress trumps yours or well i'm just gonna say it i don't know how people answer this question i was just gonna say like you want a brother or sister response to this no just kidding no but i mean i'm married so i can give some advice and you're a guy so you can no i'm aware you're capable of giving you guys i don't know if i want to hear it but uh anyways so he uh i'm sorry i did not think about that when i chose it he was uh he needs to

grow up he was uh so you you cut it off and he just pouted like a little baby but was it but he pouted but he didn't even consider reciprocity no i mean okay so he told me that he was like i'm gonna get um like a flavored lube like something that i that will help and i was like okay and also like i i know i keep myself clean down there i was gonna say like not to get tmi obviously yeah i love the fact first of all that you are so like you're calling about this like that's a pretty brave thing to just be like hey look no this is wonderful i just don't know what to do i don't know what to do because i have girlfriends that are like i mean i could honestly talk about whatever so we were separated for just

like a little bit like a month anyways the point is that I have half my friends that I trust asking him about this, other females. And they're like, why don't you know, why are you still with him? And then the other half are just like, I don't know. You could just refuse to go down on him. But like, I like going down on him. Like, I like him to feel good. And I want to like, you know, continue to explore in our

intimacy and stuff like that. And I also don't want to be like, well, for the rest of my life, I'm just never going to have this again. And I have to be fine with it. I have a couple of questions. So I may have missed it before the whole cutting off and whatever, before you guys got married, did he go down on you then no okay so it's kind of never been established in the relationship and you guys were uh but you

guys had hooked up with other people before you you met yeah yeah like we had both had other boyfriends and girlfriends you know like whatever and we both and he's told me that he's gone down on his like he went down on his ex and stuff because i flat out asked him like just are you scared because you've never done it and you're afraid of messing up like i don't what do you want to do and he was just like it's just the you know the smell and i'm just i don't know and i'm insecure i don't know. I mean, I said I'll be drunk. The smell, I mean, I don't understand. Not to make you self-conscious, but you said you're cleansing.

I mean, women's bodies are all different, but are you smelling any? Is that a real complaint of his or is he just throwing it out there because it's a stereotype that the of a smell because in my experience there's not a lot of odor well and not just that but it's not like he i highly doubt his crop is like a treat all the time right like i'm just saying though it's not like it's like well that's what i'm saying you know like i know some people

struggle with you know there's ph you know and but the most part, if you are hygienic, there shouldn't be like a strong odor or taste here. So I do. Well, I've even gone. Go ahead. I was just going to say, like, I've even gone to my gynecologist, like, you know, at a normal appointment. And I'm like, hey, like, can I ask you something? This is kind of strange, but like, is there anything unusual going on? Because I don't know.

He's made you self-conscious. Right, right, right, right. No, yeah, I'm curious. And then he or she was like, no. Yeah, yeah. And truly, it's like I will be in the shower, and I get out of the shower, and I'm like, okay, this would be a great time to have a learning session. Here's the thing.

Yeah. So it sounds like he is, you know, in terms of his excuses, they're all stereotypes, right? That's not an actual, there's no taste. He's just saying it. I'm comfortable saying that he isn't interested in getting you off or in your needs. And like, even if, even if, let's say for argument's sake, that your situation wasn't as pleasant as someone else, let's say just for argument's sake, you're, you're his wife. And like, he should want to get you off.

And unless it was some sort of tragic thing, just suck it up and literally, and just like, literally. tragic thing just suck it up and literally and just like literally and and and and uh like just if like as a married couple any couple like sometimes in the bedroom your only focus should be the other person you know like you said you enjoy getting him off it enjoys you enjoy it makes you and you get enjoyment out of seeing him getting enjoyment unfortunately he doesn't feel the same way he gets enjoyment

from getting off and long as low he's a little bit of a selfish lover he's more than a little bit he's an incredibly selfish lover well I think

your question is yeah go ahead well the only thing I'm thinking of is if there was like sexual abuse that could be a thing too but that's like

a far off well it might not be but i think it's a fair it's a fair thing to assess sometimes stuff happens right so i guess because your question is do i accept this to bring up you're saying do i accept this or do i not accept that this is going to be the way our interaction is right so i guess i would say it sounds like it's enough of an issue that you called in and you've talked to your friends and your friends have talked to him. Like this is obviously it's not just kind of like maybe I'll live without it. Like you clearly don't want to.

And I don't think even if you if we said, you know, just put up with it, you're going to be OK with it. It's going to continue to just bug the crap out of you. And you're going to be pissed about it because you're not being selfish that way. So and if he's still not pushing then i honestly this is a weird thing to say but i'd be like we need to go talk to someone yeah like you need to go see like a sex therapist or something or even just a therapist and so if it rochelle's concern of it there is a sexual abuse thing like you can at least get to an understanding or when you bring up i think we should go see

somebody about this that's enough of a trigger to be like i don't really want to fucking see anyone so yeah let's go you know like i just think you need to acknowledge that it's important for you and there's more behind it than just the fact that he's just like not into it or afraid or yeah so there's more to it yeah you got to bring yeah make make sure he understands kind of just echoing maria said that it's a serious issue this is not about like well i won't suck your dick if you don't know like yeah be like this really bothers me um it bothers me that you're don't make me feel like you're interested in my sexual needs it smells bad and you you've made me self-conscious about my hygiene.

And as a lover. And as a lover. And I want to make sure we're on the same page. And so I don't feel like sexually, intimately, we are. And so as a result, I want to go talk to someone, a therapist, because of that. Because this is important to me. And I think that's how you position it. And then kind of see what he says from there. Because there's good chance i mean we don't have the answer because there's a good

chance it could be something is he just grows up real fast when he's he could just literally be throwing a temper tantrum yeah and he could be just really fucking stubborn and selfish yeah or and hopefully this isn't the case maybe it's something as traumatic as maybe we don't know. We don't know. But right now you need to really make him understand this is very important, that this matters to you. You need to express to him how it makes you feel. You have expressed to him, does he know you've gone to the doctor and asked your gynecologist if you have hygiene issues with your vagina? Does he know that yeah um because he that was like after

he had said that about like oh well you know it's you know i'm afraid of the smell or the taste or whatever i went and i asked like you know i asked her and i asked her about like what are some really like ethical and also natural lubes blah blah blah like i did my research and i brought it back to him and i but then there was the stubbornness of me not purchasing those myself. Cause I was like, if you want to do this, like go out and buy it and show me that you'd like to make an effort. Yeah. I was just going to say you can't make all the effort. Yeah. I just don't know. And I was like, go to like a, go to Walmart. Yeah. Like there's a thing called Google. Like you can find.

And that's what I say is like, I need to, i need to i you know make it simplify it for him i need to know that you care about my sexual needs yeah i need to know that it's it's it's a priority for you it is so much more than the actual act right like this is so much more than the actual act it's the fact that the other question i was going to ask you is are you so aside from when you you know cut him off like do you find when you guys are intimate like you tend to always think of like making sure he's satisfied even if you're not like do you feel like that's a constant concern uh well more clarity like every time you have sex how many times does he get off versus you what yeah i mean is that kind of a continuous theme aside from the actual like oral part of it

um yeah i would say so i mean it's always like it's it's him like finishing when he is ready and then afterwards he's like so it's like did you like that did you come and then i'm like uh yes or no yeah do you lie to him about having an orgasm what do you lie to him about having orgasms um in the beginning of our marriage i did because it was like really it was incredibly difficult, our sex life was. It was just, he'd bang, bang, be done. Because he was in school and super stressed. And I didn't handle it in a healthy way.

And so I've been really honest about it now, probably ever since after our first year. And I was like, this is really stupid. But yeah, I definitely... How does he react to realizing he's not as good at sex as he thought he was um that was instantly what happened in my brain and i was like fuck no but how did he handle it um he was like i don't even know he was he wasn't even really upset he was just like oh okay well um like I'll try harder and I said okay and I and I apologized and I said I'll be honest with you like from now on and I'll let you know when or if I do or I don't and he was like okay I really

appreciate it and it was actually surprisingly mellow. I thought he was going to be super pissed. That's nice. But don't apologize. There's like, you know, you could say I apologize for lying to you and giving you misinformation. But listen, you're not alone here too. Like other than this, like this is a unique situation. But the problem often happens when young couples hook up is guys are stupid.

They think they're awesome and bad. And women sometimes can be, you know, especially young women can be uncomfortable, like directing, being directing and letting them know. And so like, you know, sometimes they even feel like it's dirty to have a guy doubt on me. There's all the, it's very confusing, right? And people aren't communicating at a young age about their sexual needs. And then men don't get any feedback. So they think they're awesome. It'd be great if guys all checked in, but unfortunately men don't get any feedback so they think they're awesome um it'd be great if guys all checked in but unfortunately they don't but so i want to also think women have a have an feel they have an expectation to be like the pleasing lover yeah right it's like well that was good for you

well then of course yes of course that was great for me like there's almost this like if you would like be like no that wasn't we don't want them to feel bad about their performance, right? And you, I think you're married. You can be direct. If you want to be good at pleasing me, I can show you. This is not about effort.

Well, I mean, it is about effort, but like there's like, this is not try harder. Listen, this is not about trying harder. It's work smarter, not harder, so to speak. I'll tell you what I want. Well, I was just going to say, what if you approached it in like,

I want us to have better sex as a couple and not make it be like i'm not getting enough you're doing this being like i want to have better sex as a couple i think you know we can probably learn ways to communicate better in bed and and like again i i honestly think that this probably if this is something you've been fighting up against like it's time to kind of bring in a third party that is like can help you and assist you and there's nothing wrong with that he needs to show you that he cares not to say things like well i'll try harder and thanks and that's a good place to start and it's nice that he's not getting defensive when you communicate with him so those are nice things and that's that's a good sign uh but he actually needs

to show that he's he's interested in sign uh but he actually needs to show that he's he's interested in trying because like whether it's going down or not but it sounds like he's always getting off and you're almost never getting off and he's not really caring he'll like he'll color it up to ask did you enjoy it but he's actually doesn't really care about what the answer is because if you say well i'll be honest i didn't come he's not like well what do you want me to do right like there's other things you could try to do like it's not a big if i were him and i'm not trying to like pet myself on the back i would just be like all right well what can we do to make you make sure that you're doing this and not every time you have sex it's not like you're both gonna come like that's not always gonna happen but there should be a level

playing field and he needs to show an effort and a willingness to make sure that happened, whatever that is. Yeah. And again, I'm going to guess, this is an assumption, this extends beyond the bedroom, like in some things, right? So it's like you're giving, he's taking, he's acting concerned, but nothing's changing. So I think either he has a come to jesus moment and all of a sudden he changes i highly doubt it the other thing is i i do think that there is something to be said about like hey it the the sex thing might bring it on but you guys going and seeing somebody who can help like you guys figure out a better way to balance out the give and take in the relationship all all

around it's going to make it better for you. Your husband, Maria's point has gotten really good at diffusing a situation by saying and pretending he cares, but not actually showing that he does. And he's biding a lot of time by doing that. And yeah, it's probably like apologizing for something,

you know, you're going to do again. Like, you're not really sorry, but like you feel like you need to, it seems they seem to react positively to your bullshit apology. Yeah. And you're pretending your, your, your effort. Like, you feel like you need to, it seems they seem to react positively to your bullshit apology. Yeah. And your pretend your,

your, your effort. So hopefully that helps, but you, you gotta kind of put your foot down here and really show, you know, you can't don't stop, stop accepting insincere apologies and start expecting from him to show some

actions and, and, and consider some real like professional couple therapy. Okay. All right. Cool. cool all right best of luck all right take care all right yeah you too bye i mean that was a bit weird to talk to i mean i think we screwed i mean without like no i didn't feel like it got too gross no no i'm not saying it got too gross so how is it with you and josh yeah yeah yeah just like we're gonna talk about like personal like yeah i think marriage and like and that's what's interesting with hers like with marriage it's like you kind of get into your norms you kind

of get into this thing like when you're dating someone sometimes there's a little bit difference but if she was okay with her husband not going down with her yeah then fine. Right, but she's not. She's not. Anyways. Maria, thanks so much again for joining. It's been insightful. Thanks for helping ask questions. If you are interested, again, on learning a little bit more about Maria and what she's doing

in addition to helping with natural habits, you can check her out at mariaval.com. Also, check out our Instagram at naturalhabits doing in addition to helping with natural habits you can check her out at mariaval.com also check out our instagram at natural habits uh for some wellness tips or series that we're doing on instagram tv and as a reminder nh oils.com 30 off all our essential oils maria you're really the female version of nick am i yeah we were just talking about that outside oh it seems like it to me like that spider-man thanks for listening guys we really appreciate it don't forget to send your questions at ask nick at cast me.com cast with the k and until next time thanks for listening