The Viall Files - E875 Going Deeper - Our Miscarriage Story

Episode Date: January 29, 2025

Welcome back to The Viall Files: Going Deeper with Natalie Joy and Nick Viall.    In this deeply personal episode, Natalie opens up about her miscarriage with her and Nick’s second child. Through vulnerability and honesty, she offers her raw and powerful experience in hopes of making others feel less alone.    *The contents of this episode contain details of miscarriage which can be triggering for some people. Listen to Humble Brag with Cynthia Bailey and Crystal Kung Minkoff! Listen on Apple: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/humble-brag-with-crystal-and-cynthia/id1774286896 Watch on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@humblebragpod   Listen To Disrespectfully now! Listen on Apple: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/disrespectfully/id1516710301 Watch on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCCh8MqSsiGkfJcWhkan0D0w Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  To Order Nick’s Book Go To: http://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice on Office Hours send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line! To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles  Thank You to Our Sponsors: Mack Weldon - Go to https://www.MackWeldon.com and use code VIALL to get 25% off your first order of $125 or more. Sunday For Dogs - Get 40% off a two week trial of Sundays. Go to https://www.sundaysfordogs.com/viall or use code VIALL at checkout. Pretty Litter - Pretty Litter helps your house smell fresh and clean. Go to https://www.PrettyLitter.com/viall to save twenty percent on your FIRST order and get a free cat toy. Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @nnataliejjoy  

There's a lot of decisions you have to make when you have a baby, and the one that I feel the most comfortable and safe making is using huggies for our daughter River. I always tell Nick that when River's crying, she's trying to tell us something, and that's the case with most babies. They express it through cries, and so we've turned to huggies. The new huggies skin essentials are here. A brand new dermatologist approved line of diapers, wipes, and pull-ups training pants that are all designed with baby sensitive skin in mind.

Their wipes are so thick and pH balanced to help maintain healthy skin. Their wipes have zero harsh ingredients for a great gentle clean. The Skin Essential Diapers features the Skin Protect Liner which is what helps take care of the ick and stick that can cause rash. They have this liner built in their diapers. The whole diaper helps protect against the top two causes of rash by managing moisture and running mess. The liner gives you the barrier to help absorb moisture and lock away running mess from baby skin. Pull Up Skin Essentials has your big kid covered too with a training pant that is ultra soft

and breathable to help protect sensitive skin through potty training. Learn more at Huggies.com. Once again, head to Huggies.com to learn more. Well I guess just thanks for tuning in. I'm sure you got some glimpse based off the title about what this episode is going to be about. And, um... I miscarried our second child, um, and it was extremely hard. It's still extremely hard.

Obviously this is just like not easy to talk about. Um, I don't know the right way to talk about it. What we're about to play obviously is very personal and very raw and very descriptive. And so, you know, just a heads up there, you know, in case, you know, whoever you're listening to this with, or maybe it's not your cup of tea, but we just wanted to give you a heads up, uh, that, uh, the

content going forward is, um, very detailed and very personal. It can be so hard for the special guy in your life, especially when shopping for that guy on Valentine's day. So why not gift him the gift? He'll really appreciate a wardrobe upgrade. You know, it's something he won't normally do for himself. And honestly, let's be real here,

this is really a gift for you, because aren't we tired of having your man just walk out in public and some of the just unfortunate stuff he's been putting on his body. That's where the good people at Mack Weldon come in. Their products are the perfect balance of function and fashion, so you don't have to compromise comfort or style.

Super easy to find everything all in one place online at mackweldon.com. Their options are limitless whether you are looking for their anti-odor tees. Love their anti-odor tees. They fit great. They hold their fit and I work out on them all the time and they really don't because they don't like I don't know I don't know what the technology is but they really stink less than most t-shirts. So if the guy in your life is a little sweaty, little stinky, you gotta check out their anti-odor tees or their machine washable sweaters.

Absolutely a must have, especially if you and him hate doing laundry because no one likes to let dry sweaters, like yuck. My personal favorite is their warm knit flannel engineered with Thermolite technology. This soft, lightweight flannel is designed to trap heat while wicking away moisture. We love a wick away. So upgrade the men in your life's wardrobe today. Do yourself a favor and let him finally look good for you. Give the perfect gift for him from Mack Weldon. Go to

MackWeldon.com. Use code V-I-A-L-L. Get 25% off your first order of $125 or more. That's M-A-C-K-W-E-L-D-O-N dot com. All you dog people out there, if you are looking for the world's greatest dog food to keep your furry friends healthy and living longer, you gotta check out Sundays for Dogs. Sundays for Dogs was created by Dr. Tori Waxman, a practicing veterinarian who tests and formulates every version of each recipe.

Sundays contains 90% meat, 10% superfoods, and zero synthetic nutrients and artificial ingredients. Dog parents report noticeable healthier improvements in their pups, including softer fur, fresher breath, and better poops, and more energy after switching to Sundaes. Sundaes for dogs is a healthy dog food that's easy to store and serve. Unlike other fresh dog food, Sundaes does not require refrigeration or preparation because of their air drying process. You just pour and serve. Unlike other fresh dog food, Sundays does not require refrigeration or preparation because of their air drying process. You just pour and serve. When you start a Sunday subscription, you'll automatically get 20% off

and free shipping on every reorder. Cancel or pause your subscription anytime with their 100% satisfaction guarantee. Every order ships right to your door, so you'll never have to worry about running out of dog food again. The new year is not only the perfect time for us humans to make healthy changes,

but for your pup as well. Get 40% off a two week trial of Sundays, go to sundaysfordogs.com slash V-I-A-L-L or use code VIALL at checkout. This time of year, every cat is an indoor cat. The weather has changed and it's freezing outside. With weather like this, you've most likely become an indoor human as well.

One thing you don't want to be worried about as a cat owner is the litter box stinking up the place while you're stuck inside. What's the best solution? Switching to Pretty Litter. Pretty Litter's non-clumping formula traps odor and moisture. It's ultra absorbent, it's lightweight, low dust, and one six pound bag works wonders for up to a month. And Pretty Litter gives peace of mind. It changes color to indicate early signs of potential illnesses in your cat, like urinary tract infections, kidney issues, and more. Since pretty litter ships free right to your door, you'll never run out, never have to worry about huge kitty litter bags taking up space. And the best part is you won't have to go out in the cold and lug around huge tubs from

a store to your car and then to your house. Indoor cats and indoor humans agree. Pretty litter helps your house smell fresh and clean. Go to prettylitter.com slash viall to save 20% on your first order and get a free cat toy. That's prettylitter.com slash viall to save 20% on your first order and get a free cat toy. Prettylitter.com slash viall. Terms and conditions apply. See site for details. There's a lot of decisions you have to make when you have a baby and the one that I feel the most comfortable and safe making is using huggies for our daughter River. I always tell Nick that when River's crying, she's trying to tell us something, and that's the case with most babies. They express it through cries, and so we've turned to huggies.

The new huggies skin essentials are here. A brand new dermatologist approved line of diapers, wipes, and pull-ups training pants that are all designed with baby sensitive skin in mind. Their wipes are so thick and pH balanced to help maintain healthy skin. Their wipes have zero harsh ingredients for a great gentle clean. The Skin Essential Diapers features a Skin Protect Liner, which is what helps take care of the ick and stick that can cause rash. They have this liner built in their diapers.

The whole diaper helps protect against the top two causes of rash by managing moisture and running mess. The liner gives you the barrier to help absorb moisture and lock away running mess from baby skin. Pull Up Skin Essentials has your big kid covered too with a training pant that is ultra soft and breathable to help protect sensitive skin through potty training. Learn more at Huggies.com. Once again, head to Huggies.com to learn more.

This is definitely going to be a different episode. We've never done anything with just Natalie and I in the room. But since this is a show that I think more and more we've made into a family show and it's become a place for us to open up and share a little bit about our life when we feel comfortable doing that. It's also a little bit of therapy for us.

Every once in a while when we deal with something traumatic or personal we will sometimes talk about whether we should or shouldn't share it, but, um, you know, this was a situation that obviously really impacted us, still impacts us. And it's also a topic that I think, uh, depending, uh, who you are and whether you've experienced it. I think everyone knows someone who has experienced it. You know, it certainly changes or affects your perspective once it happens to you, like obviously most things, but yeah. Yeah, I don't feel like there's like no right way to start it or get into it, but I feel like it's I think it's also just like and I'm still feeling everything but...

I just think it's also like... I've been like putting on this front, you know, I've been like trying to be a good mom to River and like come and do my job whether it's on the podcast or on social media for the past week and currently as I sit here today I'm actively miscarrying our second child and it has been the biggest heartbreak I think of my life. I've never experienced something where I feel so empty inside and I just... And yeah, I guess like Nick said, it's one of those things that like I've heard of. So many of my friends, you my friends have sadly been through it.

My sister has had 12 miscarriages and it's like, you feel sad and you wanna be there for these people, but you don't really know the loss that they feel until you go through it yourself. until you go through it yourself. Obviously, Nellie has a very unique perspective since she was the one carrying the baby. And as a father, I think it's a little different. But I think, like I said earlier, I think we all know someone or many people who have

experienced a miscarriage. And I think it's really, and I think if you've ever heard someone you care about, you mentioned that they've had a miscarriage. I think the vast majority of people know to at least, obviously express their condolences, show their empathy for the sad experience that these people are having. But at least for me, it always felt like

there was a bit of a disconnect between what I was trying to empathize to and the sadness I felt from the people sharing that they had this experience. Because, you know, obviously like depending on when you miscarriage and things like that, yeah, I mean, especially for everyone involved except for the mother, even as a father, connecting with your unborn child is a process. And I think especially I think Nellie's desire, and correct me if I'm wrong, to share with this is just to express what it feels like, especially for all, all the women out there and all the moms and all the women who desire to be a mom, especially those who have had a challenge conceiving. It really felt like it may be just because we're going through it right now. It just,

for me, it really, you know, there's various stages of my life, I think every experience you have, until you experience something, it's harder to empathize. And once you can, you sometimes feel a bit of guilt for not empathizing the way you feel like you should have now that it's happened to you. And so I think maybe that's just kind of our hope for this episode is to just, you know, hopefully allow people like Natalie to feel seen that have gone through this experience

because it's incredibly traumatic for even the dads, but especially the moms. Yeah, you really feel alone because there's always like this, you know, I'm sorry for your loss and but like, hey, what do you want to do this weekend? You know, like it's, there's a, there's definitely a disconnect. It's going to take a long time to heal from this, but it is raw and we're feeling it right now. And I think that's why I wanted to do this now because I wanna show people and I wanna give the mothers who have felt this same feeling like, yeah, you're not alone because it does feel, I mean, like my body feels so empty and like, And like...

I just also don't want to forget this baby, you know? I don't want time to go on and for this baby to have just been like a blip in our lives, you know? It's like, I want River to be able to watch this back and see her parents' love for her sibling that like could have been here. I just feel dead inside and it sucks because I have to be so alive for River, you know? I have to be silly and goofy and funny and play with her and then I have this like overwhelming guilt that like when I'm with you I can't also do that you know like I'm sad that like the only version of me you get right now is this like broken person and I'm sorry for that. It's okay. I'm just so tired know, I'm just exhausted of this like, performing, you know,

of this like putting on a brave face and putting on a happy face. It's just like, it gets so tiring. And it's also just like a really confusing state. I think for anyone who's gone through this, you question everything, you know, you. I look at myself and I'm like, I just had a successful, non-complicated pregnancy and birth and I'm 26 years old and like why? Why me? Like why did this happen to me? You know I think that's also one of the harder parts because you know I want you to be able to feel how you feel. But it does, it hurts to know that, you know, the pressure, and I assume this guilt that I think women who miscarriage put on

themselves and the responsibility of... It just breaks my heart because obviously, I assume you know that's not really the case, but I understand why it's hard not to do that. Even myself, I mean, there were fires in LA, air quality, like what if we should we have left town, stuff like that. And that's just me getting in my head about is there anything I could have done differently or we could have done differently. So I can't even imagine what you're going through. But say we're lucky to have doctors who, I guess from a scientific standpoint, explain that this is sadly common.

I guess I'm, you know, I don't know how it is for you and imagine it's still raw. I mean, that part helps a little bit just because it is, you know, I'm definitely someone who is easy to second guess myself, but yeah. I think it's the only thing that like, you have to hold on to to be able to heal, you know is to like have Like the doctors assuring you of like this baby wasn't gonna live regardless

Like our doctor being able to say like there was it was unviable. It wasn't going to live outside of your body and it's like it gives you some hope of like, okay, well, at least like, I don't know, it just, if you focus on the scientific part, I think that's what like gets you through it, which is incredibly hard to do because as the mom, you feel everything, you know, from the second that it was a positive pregnancy test. Like I felt that baby inside of me and up until I lost it, like it's, it's, it's so real and it like.

I think it's been harder for me now that we have River. You know, like when we first found out that you were pregnant with River, there's definitely like, you know, being someone who always wanted to be a dad but had never been a dad, we all, we've joked plenty about my initial reaction. But like until you had, you know, when I got back from Special Force, you know, when I got back from Special Forces, I got my phone back and there was a

message waiting for me from you that was River's heartbeat. And that was definitely the first moment I felt connected to River. And then throughout the pregnancy, you get more and more connected. And I've talked about this, but now that River's with us and we've gotten to know her, I think about the moment I found out you were pregnant with River all the time. And I think about that moment where I heard River's first heartbeat. And I think about all the doctor visits we had with River. And so every time I look at River, River's been, even for me, been in our life since the moment I opened that drawer and saw the positive pregnancy test. So now, knowing what that's like, it made it this that much more difficult,

just because I remember where we were with River when we found out you were pregnant this time. And obviously we've talked about this, but a lot of you heard our end of the year episode where we talked about how great of a year we had and our excitement for this year. And a vast majority of that excitement was us knowing Nellie was pregnant. it was us knowing we, you know, Nellie was pregnant. So yeah, it's just, it's a shitty experience. And I don't know if you want to talk about, you know, what happened and how it all started and what that was like. Yeah, I mean, I was spot bleeding for a while,

which I didn't do with River. So I definitely was freaked out at the first sign of blood and immediately reached out to my sister who had 12 miscarriages and one daughter. And she was like, this is normal. Like everything is fine. I'm Googling all this stuff and it definitely, I think I read something like 20 or 30% of pregnancies can have spot bleeding and things like that. So then, we try not to worry. I think I knew from the jump,

but I didn't want to accept that. And then it just got heavier and heavier. I'm just so thankful that we were home and not traveling and not in a hotel or on an airplane, but we got home and I went to go pee. And it was like I gave birth, you know, it was like, it was like I did, you know, essentially. And I was screaming and crying and Nick ran into the bathroom. And, you know, you just like think like, how are you supposed to stand up and like flush this baby down the toilet? Like, how do you do that? How do you just?

I, I, we had been talking to my mom and I remember, you know, a miscarriage my mom had and my mom knew, like Natalie was experiencing these symptoms and TMI, but my mom said Nellie might want to, when she goes to the bathroom, pee in a cup. At that point, I didn't relay that message to Nellie because I just wanted to stay positive. But I remember, I don't know how old I was,

I was, I don't know, maybe middle school or something. But my mom experienced that same thing. And I don't know the details of what happened, but she miscarried and knew a toilet and was unable to retrieve anything for lack of a better way of saying it. And so Natalie, obviously, like she called for me and she, at this point, I'm just trying to, you really don't know what to say or do. So I didn't, I don't think I said anything

other than I didn't think I just held you. And then you mentioned, you looked at me and I remember you, I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I don't wanna flush the toilet. And then I think I just got you out. Well, you went into the shower. We went in the shower for a while. Me, you and River.

And just left the toilet where it was. And then after we got out, when Nellie was in the living room, I went back into the bathroom. And yeah, I mean, I just stuck my hand in the toilet and was able, and I didn't know what, I didn't know, because Nellie said she felt it. And it was really just, again, TMI, all you could see was blood. But I just remember that it was very traumatic for me. I just remember it being a traumatic moment for my mom and that's why she told me to bring her cup because she didn't want Natalie to potentially experience that feeling as well. But thankfully, and I was a bit surprised, but I was able to

retrieve the baby and everything that came with it. And it was definitely, that part was, I hope no one ever has to experience that. At the same time I hope that if you do experience a similar situation that you do retrieve the baby because you know we were able to set it aside so that we couldn't you know mourn the loss and and we want to bury our baby in a place that we can always connect with. So I don't know what we would have done if I wasn't able to retrieve it or we were forced to flush the toilet without getting the baby out. Yeah, I mean, as traumatic as it was, I hope the moms never have to do that themselves. And I hope that all the dads out there are willing to do that. are willing to do that. Because I'm very grateful. I mean, we could have, this could have happened on the flight home. You know, we landed in LA and it happened later that night. Yeah,

it could have happened, you know, yeah, when we weren't home. So thankfully we were, but, and that was very surreal. That was like, definitely the hardest night of my life. Just experiencing that is like something I wouldn't wish upon anyone. And unfortunately, I know a lot of women do experience it and I just like feel for these people so much because it's such a... it's like I was so mad at my body for letting it go, you know? I was like, why couldn't you just hold on to it? Why did you have to let it go? And I was so mad at my body and I was so mad at myself.

And then I reached out to my doctor and I had experienced all this heartbreak and I was so sad. And then she kind of gave me a little bit of hope of just like, there's a lot of reasons that, you know, it might not have been, you know, I didn't give her the exact description of what Nick was able to save but she was like come in Monday and we'll check everything out so all of Sunday I kind of had this like hope again you know which was extra dangerous I feel like just because it was like my heart

was already broken just for on Monday to go in and like be rebroken, you know, when the doctor confirmed that I had miscarried. Um, I just feel really grateful to have you because it was... It was the worst thing I've ever been through, but you made it as easy as it could have been to go through and you did everything right, which I feel like is impossible to do in those situations, and yet you managed. And you still continue. I'm still bleeding every time I go to the restroom. I'm reminded of what has happened. I don't think I'll ever be able to go into our bathroom and not feel that feeling.

I think in the end, I said, obviously this is still very raw for us. And more specifically her, um, we had just started thinking about, you know, my friends and people I know who have experienced something similar and when they told me and again like many times it was like a text, I'm so sorry, or even in person, I'm so sorry. But again, this is not to make anyone who's been in that position that I'm describing and feel like they didn't empathize well enough. But I just started to sobbing probably because I was a little out of it,

but like all the emotions kind of, it's a challenge trying to be there for you. And also just trying to make sure that we don't lose ourself and our sadness, but also allow us to feel these feelings. You know, and you know, we are grateful for our doctor who mentioned, you know, if that's something we want to try for again,

I learned the word rainbow baby. Am I right, Rainbow Baby, are the babies you have right after a miscarriage? Yeah. I didn't know that phrase existed. Our doctor was telling us that she is sad as this moment is that something that she feels very grateful to be able to do in her profession is to you know help women deliver what she referred to

as rainbow babies and yeah it's you know you know that my least if you guys listen my least favorite phrase in the world is, everything happens for a reason. In moments like these, it's, you know, because I'm definitely someone, it's just like, we make choices and we have to live with our choices, but this is not one, this is, this experience has nothing to do with a choice that we made other than the decision of growing our family.

So it's definitely been a, um, a mind fuck for me to have to lean into the, um, except that things happen this way. Um, there's also a huge part of me that feels really shitty because every time, and it's, I've had to take so many breaks off social media because it's like every time I get on, I see a friend or someone I follow or a stranger who's pregnant or announces their pregnancy. And it like makes me so mad.

And like, I'm so happy for them. And I have my beautiful baby at home and I'm so happy these people get to experience that but I'm just so mad that it's not me and then I would get like which is also just a note for anyone in general DMs of like oh I know you're pregnant you know like you've got to be pregnant and it's like every time I read one it was just like a fucking punch in the gut it's like... and it's like I feel like so guilty for feeling that way about people on social media or my friends or people that I am genuinely so happy for but it's hard in these moments to like

genuinely so happy for. But it's hard in these moments to like feel that for them when you're so broken yourself. But I am still excited about our future and I'm still Excited about this year, you know, I think we went into this year with these really exciting expectations and It's only we're only a couple weeks in but it certainly has not Started off the way we hoped but with the fires and it's just there it feels like there's just been one after the other Yeah, and obviously with the fires we've been incredibly

Lucky compared to so many other people but yeah, it's just it's been a It hasn't been the magical time that we went in this year expecting But I try to tell Natalie, you, that balance between allowing yourself to feel, but again, not make a terrible situation worse by allowing yourself to heal and move forward is definitely a tough balance to strike. And I can't imagine what I'm feeling. And then, you know, Nally, like I said, this miscarrying is not just from what I understand or I'm learning, it's not like a one day it takes time for the body to go through that. It comes with a lot of emotions, but I am still excited about what can come.

And we'll see where we're at in life at the end of this year. And I think as sad as this period is, you know, we'll see what good can come from it because I am hopeful that that will still be the case. And, you know, obviously now I still very much want to grow our family. And when that happens, that will be very much based on, you know, Natalie and her body and what she's able to do both emotionally and physically. I hope one day I can come on here and be on the other side of it.

I don't know when that day will be because I am very much in the thick of it right now and very much in the darkness of it right now and very much in the darkness of it all. But I feel like I've survived so many other things that I thought would break me and that I thought I wouldn't survive and to be on the other side of all of those. I know that I'll make it. I just can't see that side yet. And that's okay. Yeah. You will. And like you said, I mean, not to try to compare it to anything because that's

when you're, I think more than anything in kind of like you just said, I mean, I talk, we talk about this all the time. You know, dealing with tragedy is knowing that you can get through things, you know, especially for those people who deal with death, that's very definitive. For us, it's a very complicated feeling because obviously we lost this baby. As Nally described, feeling connected to that baby from that moment is not something a father gets to feel. That moment of being able to retrieve the baby was, it was traumatic and yet I'm very grateful I was able to do that because that... I was definitely able to connect there.

But we will get through it. Because we've gotten through things. And yeah, that's just, I guess, what I'm trying to say, the silver lining of just knowing you can get through stuff, even though you're not through it yet, is a much better feeling than wondering if you'll ever get through something. So I'm grateful for that. I am grateful that we have our river and we've been very blessed so far in so many ways with her health and your health.

And like you said, you know, we were very lucky to have a very seamless pregnancy. I mean, you were. And we'll see what happens in the future. But yeah, I guess maybe to sum things up, I think our hope for this is to more than anything for the women out there who have experienced something similar. And obviously we're in the middle of this and it feels very personal, but it really feels like it's not something that really gets

acknowledged all that much. And having a front row seat to how alone Natalie feels. I think we just hope that for those who have experienced it, we're with you. We know what you're feeling. We know what you're feeling. If this is not something that's... I guess I hate that I have to say this, but certainly we welcome any support you want to send our way.

We don't welcome any criticisms. And if this is not something that you were interested in hearing about, that's okay. We're not interested in that feedback. But yeah, I feel lucky to do what we do here. And we want this show 99% of the time to be a place that people can come to and escape the shit that's out there in the world and all the craziness and have this be a place of fun and optimism and learn a little bit about relationships for our ethnic audience and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But we do feel grateful to be able to connect with our audience and

knowing who so much of our audience is and so many moms out there and potential moms. We felt like it was worth sharing. It's also like nothing on social media is real. You know, it's like, I feel like this is the epitome of like you don't know what people are going through behind the scenes and it's like, you know. It's like I'm just here to say like, first and foremost, like, I'm a shell of a human being, currently. I'm a shell of a human being currently I've never been more heartbroken or sad

But I know that I have a family that needs me And it's what gets me out of bed every day. And I'm grateful for that. And I love you so much. I love you too. I'm eternally grateful for you. And I wouldn't have survived. I won't survive this without you. And I just wish I could give everyone who's ever experienced this like a hug. I know it's just, it's, it's the most empty alone feeling you'll ever feel. and I'm so sorry to everyone who's experienced

it. So if you see me posting an ad, please like it. Um. Cut that out. I don't know if we should. I mean, that's the thing though. It's just, we're trying to be, you know, not to sound cliche, real raw, whatever. Some people deal with this stuff differently. Some people do deal with humor. You know, some people do.

I mean, it is at the end of the day, it's like life goes on, you know, like this world isn't stopping just because I lost my baby. You know, it's like. And I don't think we're doing this for any type of, you know, I think, yeah, it's just. I'm doing this so that I can look back and I can watch this video and I can remember the love and the feelings that I have for this baby that I lost.

It's the only reason I'm doing it. It's because I don't want to forget. I'm so scared that I'm going to forget. We'll make sure we won't. You know, I don't think I told you this, but what used to be the garage door password to my parents old house was 1215. And that was because that was going to be the birthday of that baby that my mom has carried. So like, it's been, I don't know how many years, 30 years, 30 plus years, and I still know that that baby's birthday was supposed to be 12, 15.

So we won't. Every time I went home, I went home. So, well, thanks for listening. Um, I'm sure this will be a weird transition to tomorrow. Uh, when you're listening, cause we'll, um, we recorded this much earlier than that by the way. I think that's kind of my point of saying that like life goes on because it's like, while I'm feeling these feelings and we're feeling we're in it so deep, it's like we still have to get home, make dinner, put River to bed, play with River, be parents, be spouses to each other.

You have to be a boss and a leader and me a co-worker. You know, it's like lives go on and we have a job to do and a show to put on. And so it's like, wow, laughing and joking or this and that. It's like you get home and like shit gets real. You know, it's like, I feel like the only time I'm able to feel these feelings is when River's asleep. And that's why I feel so guilty that like you're the only person that like has to deal with. I'm not dealing with anything.

I mean, I'm dealing with everything, but I'm not dealing with you. It's my job. So, this comes with the territory. I mean, I, you know, this like, this will only bring us closer. This is us being a family. And then, this is not

a fun part of it. That's why we have each other. Yeah. Bye. Bye. There's a lot of decisions you have to make when you have a baby. And the one that I feel the most comfortable and safe making is using huggies for our daughter River.

I always tell Nick that when River's crying, she's trying to tell us something, and that's the case with most babies. They express it through cries, and so we've turned to huggies. The new Huggies Skin Essentials are here. A brand new dermatologist approved line of diapers, wipes, and pull-ups training pants that are all designed with baby sensitive skin in mind. Their wipes are so thick and pH balanced to help maintain healthy skin.

Their wipes have zero harsh ingredients for a great gentle clean. The Skin Essential Diapers features the Skin Protect Liner, which is what helps take care of the ick and stick that can cause rash. They have this liner built in their diapers. The whole diaper helps protect against the top two causes of rash

by managing moisture and running mess. The liner gives you the barrier to help absorb moisture and lock away running mess from baby skin. Pull Up Skin Essentials has your big kid covered too with a training pant that is ultra soft and breathable to help protect sensitive skin through potty training. Learn more at Huggies.com. Once again, head to Huggies.com to learn more.