The Viall Files - E905 Ask Nick - Hope is Not Your Friend

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Starting point is 00:00:30 Okay, you guys. For everyone who wants to know, are you DTF? Down to farm, that is? That's right. Farmer wants a wife is back on Fox with four hot new farmers looking for the love of their lives. But are these ladies ready to take on the farm life? And you know dating one woman has its challenges, but juggling five,

Starting point is 00:00:50 these farmers are going to have their hands full. Don't miss the all new season of Farmer Wants a? Good, my name's Ryan. I'm 24 years old and my boyfriend can't do the dishes. Say more, elaborate. Little context, we've been dating for a little over a year. We did like move in very quickly. I would say like within a couple months, it was just like, we were like, we were like, we were like,

Starting point is 00:01:23 we were like, we were like, we were like, we were like, we were like, we were like, we were like, we've been dating for a little over a year. We did move in very quickly. I would say within a couple months, it was just the most practical thing at the time. So from jump, I'm a homemaker, I cook, I clean, that's just who I am and you're in the honeymoon phase, you want to be sweet and do all those things. Now it's been a year and a. And he has not ever touched a dish. He only takes the trash out if I ask. He is, I want to also say like kind in a thousand other ways. But like for some reason, things can never be 50 50. And I've asked plenty of times for, you know, a little bit of help and whatnot,

Starting point is 00:02:07 and don't get any. So in addition to not doing dishes, he doesn't do anything other than maybe take the garbage out when you ask? Like, yeah, like any household responsibility, whether it is paying utilities, taking the trash out, he doesn't pay the bills? He feeds the dogs. We share the finances. We're very intertwined in a team when it comes to those things. But even just the simple task of like, hey, the Wi-Fi is due and like hopping on there doing it. That is something that falls on my plate. Or if like we just moved recently, you know, trying to communicate with landlords, things like that. Like those are all responsibilities that I take care of. Is that a engagement ring on your finger?

Starting point is 00:02:50 You engage? No, it's not. No, no. I just want to make sure. It's just decoration. Okay. Gotcha. Do you want, you want to marry this guy?

Starting point is 00:03:00 Yeah, I would. And like I said, in every other aspect of our life, like we You would? Or you want to? I want to. Okay. You're like, I would. I mean that with my heart. You know, well, why? Why would you want to marry him? He is truly like such a kind human being. We are such a good team together

Starting point is 00:03:26 on every other aspect of life. Another little background is we both work at the same company kind of on different sides of it, but like we do that very well together. We live together well. Our families blend together well. He's kind to his nieces and nephews. And you know, like he goes out of his way

Starting point is 00:03:44 to be just a good person he really is so I don't know why this simple task of just like being a team in the house is so hard. That's a great question I don't know why either and if you would have said hey like my why am I why does my boyfriend not want to do dishes and then I was like well what does he do? And he's like well you, he doesn't do dishes, but he always cleans the bathrooms, he empties out the garbage, he mows the lawn, he just doesn't wanna do dishes.

Starting point is 00:04:12 And I would probably be like, okay, well, now he doesn't do dishes and I don't do laundry. And we've been able to find the things that we like or dislike or hate. And thankfully for us, there's a lot of compatibility in the things that we can make up for each other. But you say a lot of generally nice things about your boyfriend and he's a good person

Starting point is 00:04:36 and he's nice to his nieces. And you work well together at your job, which is like, that's your job, kind of to work well together. And it doesn't sound like you guys actually work together, together, you know, but you're also being paid for this. It's like your job where- Yeah, and I think like communication,

Starting point is 00:04:57 like we do very well on too. He's very much the kind of person that if we have an issue, I can feel comfortable comfortable bringing it up. We sit, we chat about it, none of those things. But then when it comes to this, it feels like it's in one ear and out the other because there's no action to follow, if that makes sense. Yeah, it makes sense.

Starting point is 00:05:17 But I guess my question to you is, what do you think, you know your boyfriend, I don't, right? I don't know this man, never met him, don't know what he looks like, don't know his name, know nothing about him other than what you've told me. And so you're this man. Never met him, don't know what he looks like, don't know his name, know nothing about him other than what you've told me. And so you're the one who believes in him, you know him. So why do you think, despite him being this great,

Starting point is 00:05:33 wonderful person that you want to marry, why do you think he comes across like such an ass when it relates to this particular topic? Because what you're telling me is that despite, you know, all these things that you do around the house, that not only is he not willing to help, he doesn't really pay attention to what you do. Maybe he thanks you, I don't know,

Starting point is 00:05:57 but he, it's like, it'd be one thing. You know, it would be, I think it would already be bad enough if you were doing everything and he just kind of like took it for granted, didn't thank you and just kind of like enjoyed the benefits of everything you do around the house and never really acknowledging it.

Starting point is 00:06:16 But you're like, hey, I want, I need help. You're begging, you're begging this man, it sounds like. And you're nodding, yes, you know? And like, he doesn't give a shit. So like, does he not, so what else does he not give a shit about? Like, you know what I'm saying? Like, we have to, I'm not saying he is horrible.

Starting point is 00:06:34 I'm not saying you should break up with him, but like you've heard me talk about the three B's, yeah? That's the broom and the. The budget, right? And so the broom, this is all under the broom. He's a zero contributor, as far as in terms of what you're saying on one of the B's. There's three pillars that in relationships, people have to have some kind of understanding. Doesn't necessarily have to be fair or equal, but there needs to be an understanding. You need to be on the same page, you know, somehow. Doesn't matter what, everyone's different, relationships are different, we're not here to tell people how it should be, but you need to

Starting point is 00:07:12 feel on the same page with your partner and you are in left fucking field and he's not even, he's not even there. He's not even showing up and you're begging and you're asking and he's like, he's not giving a shit. Why do you think that is? To be quite frank, I think that his mom has always done everything for him. I actually had a conversation with his older sister about this. Truly I was like at my breaking point came to his older sister and was like, here's where we're at. Like, do you have any insight? And she was like, growing up, he never had to, like my mom did everything for us.

Starting point is 00:07:50 Like she does the dishes, she handles things and she, we live in the same town as his parents now and they, she still does the same thing, you know, like if there's something that maybe I can't handle that day and he thinks he doesn't have time for like his mom will just drop everything and go do it. And so I think it's just he's never had to lift a finger. And so here I am like I truly have begged and pleaded in every way I can I've been angry. I've been sad, like everything and it just feels like it's in one ear and out the other. I mean, like this, we've had 100 conversations about it. And I kind of get the same response every time that it's, okay, I'm so sorry that you feel that way.

Starting point is 00:08:31 I will do better. I will be better. I like, I will. And then a week, two weeks goes by, I'm still kind of handling everything. And I've tried to give him plenty of like opportunities, you know, like leave the dishes a little extra long and see if anything changes and it just doesn't.

Starting point is 00:08:49 And I think it's just cause he's never had to before. Okay, fair enough. You're probably right, but how are you going to change it? I don't know. I have no idea. Despite what you want, do you think it's realistic to pursue a lifetime with this person if you can't get through to him?

Starting point is 00:09:09 No, that's my fear is, you know, I would like to be a mom someday and like having the responsibility of that on top of handling everything else scares the shit out of me. Yeah, I mean, you already have a kid. No, I would like to someday. I'm telling you, I'm telling you. That wasn't a question. Yeah, no, I have a child.

Starting point is 00:09:28 I'm saying you have a child. He lives at home with you. Yeah, yeah. And if you're right, you've replaced his mom. But yeah, you're right. If you guys have a kid together, I wouldn't expect that to change anything. Yeah, no, I think it'd just make it worse.

Starting point is 00:09:44 When we had River, my mother-in-law, have a kid together, I wouldn't expect that to change anything. Yeah, no, I think it'd just make it worse. When we had River, my mother-in-law, you know, granted, she's, it's been a while since she kids of her own River was her first grandchild. And I didn't think much of it. But like in the first week of her, like of River's existence, and she was staying with us, she was like, I've never, I've never, you know, I'm not here and I'm not saying this to pat myself on the back, but she's like, I've never seen a man so involved with like helping out with the baby. And I'm only saying that not to pat myself on the back.

Starting point is 00:10:14 I'm just saying like, there's a lot of guys out there who don't help, that don't participate. And for whatever the reason, whether it's some sort of like misogyny, sexism, or maybe their mom just always took care of them, it's not the norm, right? Or certainly it's not something that you can just expect. And so the fact that you are dating someone right now who is showing you these clear signs of just like

Starting point is 00:10:35 this incapability of doing his part in the relationship. And like that's his part, you know? Like him being so bad at this is him choosing not to participate in an aspect of your relationship. I doubt that you like doing dishes and laundry and all this and paying bills. Like it's not like, oh, this is fun. I enjoy doing it. You're an adult. You know, it needs to get done. You have familiar with, you know, taking care of yourself and not having mommy or daddy doing it. In part, like, you know, so like, have you ever considered not paying his side of things? I mean, I don't know how that affects you with rent or things like that. Yeah. Yeah. Obviously we, you know, he's pretty good about like, you know,

Starting point is 00:11:24 he demos me his half and whatever, like everything is split very 50 50. It's just the act of like hopping on and doing it. But I have told him like, you know, Hey, babe, can you run down and get this title thing figured out for, you know, my truck or whatever the case is. And I've straight up just said, no, I work and I don't have time. Like, and I have told him, and sometimes it feels like he's just adding more onto my plate, you know, of even the smallest, he can ask me, you know,

Starting point is 00:11:53 where's the forks at? And my knee jerk reaction at this point is just to be like, I don't know, you fucking find them yourself kind of thing because it's just festered so long that the simple tasks, I'm just like, if you did the dishes, maybe you would know, you know, that kind of thing because it's just festered so long that the simple tasks, I'm just like, if you did the dishes, maybe you would know, you know, does he do it or does he reach out to mom? Uh, when you tell him no, I would say, so he does. Jesus.

Starting point is 00:12:14 Pretty 50 50. So half the time you say no to him, he'll reach out to his mom. Yes. How old is your boyfriend? 26. I mean, you know, like I don't, you know, what, what's your breaking point? I don't know. I think that's what I'm having a hard time with.

Starting point is 00:12:30 Um, like I said, he is such a good person in so many other ways. So I haven't wanted to ultimate him, him up until this point, because I just think it seems dirty to me. I don't know. So I, I'm just having a hard time deciding like, when do I draw the line, you know? What seems, I mean, the difference between an ultimatum of I need you to propose to me,

Starting point is 00:12:55 or we need to move in together, you know, versus a quote unquote ultimatum about him participating in your relationship. Yeah. And I will say I have told him like, this is not a situation that I'm comfortable like continuing forward with in the future. I will not marry someone that can't help. How long have you been dating for?

Starting point is 00:13:19 I just won't do it. Uh, probably about a year and a half. When's your lease up? Uh, we just do it. Probably about a year and a half. When's your lease up? We just started it, so it won't be up again until next February. Next February. Okay. Are you talking about engagement at all or not?

Starting point is 00:13:35 We've talked about it. Yeah, we talked about it. In what context? Are you still talking about it? I guess my question is, is like, you have this, you have this issue right now when it comes to his lack of participation and helping you out. Sometimes people will identify this problem and say, all right, well, this is a huge problem.

Starting point is 00:13:52 I can't marry someone who would be like this. I hope that you won't continue to stay like this. We need to have this change. And then I guess once this change, I can reevaluate our potential in terms of spending a life together. Yeah. That doesn't usually happen though. What usually happens is like, oh, I got this problem,

Starting point is 00:14:10 but I also, I have my own personal timeline when I decided I wanna get engaged or married and yada, yada, yada, and I'm getting older, and you know, especially from the point of view of a woman, I understand that you guys have a biological clock you have to consider and things like that. And sometimes or oftentimes, they will like, you know, acknowledge that there's a problem, but also simultaneously pursue the thing that they want, which, you know, might be a proposal

Starting point is 00:14:35 and things like that, while just telling themselves like, well, yeah, that's a problem, but we'll just keep working on it. And you know, I love the man. He's a good guy. He's nice. He's nice he's nice to his nieces so like we can still move forward a la move in together sign a lease get engaged yada yada and you'll just hope that this problem changes and I'm I'm curious what is more accurate as it relates to you in terms of how you

Starting point is 00:14:59 are going about moving your relationship forward? I've definitely, I guess I don't know if I've voiced this to him, but you know, my own personal thoughts have slowed down a lot on my engagement timeline, you know, solely for these reasons. I'm a pretty self-aware person, I think, and so I, yeah, I've kind of halted my brain on moving forward with a engagement. Like I truly think if he asked me to tomorrow, I would probably say no. Just because there's not been any actions to follow up his words.

Starting point is 00:15:33 Okay, that's good to know. Yeah, I hope so. I don't want to marry someone that can't help. So I just don't like, is this something that he will grow out of? Or is this just who he is? Well, it's who he is today. And I don't think he will grow out of? Or is this just who he is? Well it's who he is today, and I don't think he'll grow out of it.

Starting point is 00:15:49 He's certainly capable of deciding to change because he realizes he does not want to be known as some kind of man-child mama's boy who like honestly the more people find out about this, it's kind of, I don't know, if I were him, I'd be embarrassed. It doesn't embarrass him. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:16:09 He seems to be okay with it. Clearly not gonna change for you. And you know, his mom seems to be willing to do enough and you know, you're already starting to do at least some of the things that I would suggest you do, which is like certainly stop doing him any favors. Stop playing the role of stop doing him any favors. Stop playing the role of his mom in any capacity.

Starting point is 00:16:28 As far as the things that just need to get done because you wanna live in a clean house and bills need to get paid. And just because he's kind of a lazy, sloppy person, you don't want to have to live in that environment even though you agreed to live with them. I would say, you just resign your new lease. Listen, it doesn't sound like you have any real intentions

Starting point is 00:16:51 of wanting to break up with them and I'm guessing that's not really on your decision tree at the moment. So let's assume you continue to stay with this guy. If your lease is up in February and it hasn't gotten better, then you actually should not continue to live together. That would be a bare minimum. If you really wanted to rattle him, I would kick him out.

Starting point is 00:17:15 I would replace him and find a roommate. I mean, my point is, is like, you are gonna have to do something drastic, it sounds like, because reason and asking and pleading and even begging hasn't changed anything. All he does is say sorry and he'll try better, but I'm assuming at this point, it must feel insulting for him to keep apologizing

Starting point is 00:17:44 and saying he's sorry and feeling bad while simultaneously not doing anything. It's not that hard to do a dish. It's just not that hard. And he doesn't have to do a dish. You know, I'm guessing if all he did was find two or three things that he took ownership of and helped around the house and went out of his way to say, how can I help? I mean, it would change everything drastically and that is truly bare minimum shit, you know? And he's not even willing to do bare minimum shit. I had a conversation with him and it was probably the most productive a conversation has felt. And like, I'm just such at my breaking point that I will take

Starting point is 00:18:25 anything, any effort. And we came up with a big three, which was, I don't expect you to do the deep cleans. I honestly find those days to be very enjoyable. I put my headphones in I get down and dirty, you know, and his big three could be helping with the dishes, taking the trash out and just general, pick up your clothes off the floor kind of thing. That conversation was probably two or three weeks ago, and I felt like it was a very tangible, that was three things he could check off,

Starting point is 00:18:58 and it still hasn't gotten any better. Yeah. Again, you're still trying to parent him. That's what a parent would do with a child, right? And the only thing that's different between you and the parent is like, you can't punish him. Like, you can't tell him to go in the corners in his room or whatever. But you got to stop being his mom, and you're still being his mom. And, you know, it shouldn't be that hard to ask your partner to do some basic shit.

Starting point is 00:19:21 And I get it. He's a nice guy. He's nice to his niece. But like, there's no, I've never heard a therapist or a relationship expert say, you know, just make sure they're nice to their nieces. You know, like obviously if he was a dick to his nieces, fine, but like, you know, some uncles aren't as like, you know, they're just like, yeah, I got nieces, they're nice, I wish them well on their birthday.

Starting point is 00:19:43 I don't think I'm ever gonna win uncle of the year. I've never been like Mr. like, you know, take my nieces to a place, you know, I don't know, I just, I haven't, you know. I think I'm nice, but I'm not like Mr. outgoing uncle, you know? But I tell you what, when it comes to my house, I participate, I'm a partner.

Starting point is 00:20:05 We do things together. Sometimes we do them literally together. Sometimes we divide and conquer, but we raise our daughter together. We take care of our house together. We both feel like we do our part because we both do our part. And that is such a big deal. Yeah. When it comes to a marriage or living, as you now know, living together,

Starting point is 00:20:31 it's been magnified that much more. You can date a mama's boy or someone whose parents do everything for him and just be boyfriend and girlfriend with each other and get away with it. But I mean, this is a big deal, you know? And like, I guess my advice is you're gonna have to do something drastic, most likely.

Starting point is 00:20:51 Okay. You might have to break up with them. You might have to tell them that like, you're not changing and I don't wanna live like this and I love you and I don't wanna break up with you. I need you to move out. Yeah. I mean, honestly, if I were you, I would maybe tease, you know, I don't know.

Starting point is 00:21:07 You need to be at least somewhat serious, you know? But do you have someone who could replace him? A friend. Like another man? No, like a girlfriend or a roommate. Uh, yeah. Okay, because like, yeah, you need, I think if I were you, I mean that the, the, the, the path of least resistance

Starting point is 00:21:29 is to semi-seriously tell him that you want him to move out. And I, and this person that you're thinking of, or maybe people, are you in a position to maybe go to them and say, would you be open to this if it came to that? Like, is that something you'd want to do without them, you know, getting their hopes up in case, you know, boyfriend changes his ways? Are you willing to do that?

Starting point is 00:21:56 I don't want to, I really don't, but yeah. Yeah, of course you don't want to. You want him to help out. Yeah, you know, we know that you don't want to, obviously, right, you want him to help out, you want him know that you don't want to, obviously, right? You want him to help out, you want him to participate, but he's not going to, he hasn't, he's shown you an unwillingness to change.

Starting point is 00:22:10 So that's kind of what I'm saying. You're past the hope point, right? You've tried the hope, you've tried the communication, you've tried the asking, you've talked to his sister, you've done that, like hope hasn't worked. You don't wanna break up, his sister, you know, you've done that. Like, hope hasn't worked, you know? Yeah. You don't wanna break up. Yeah, you're right.

Starting point is 00:22:27 But he doesn't give a shit, or he doesn't care, you know? He doesn't care. His actions say, I don't need to change because at the end of the day, she'll end up doing it anyways. Yes. And I would rather have her nag at me than do dishes. Yes, you're totally right.

Starting point is 00:22:47 And when you say like it is almost just a slap in the face at this point, if he doesn't do it, because it's almost embarrassing for me at this point that like I have a boyfriend to I'm begging and pleading for help. And no matter what I say or do, he knows that I'm begging and pleading for help. And no matter what I say or do, he knows that I'm not going to go anywhere. And yeah, I think you're right that it does need to be

Starting point is 00:23:10 something drastic. I don't want to break up and I don't want to move out. But like, what other option do I have, you know, because clearly his words don't have any value at this point and neither do mine. Yeah. So and I'm sorry you're going through this, but it's not gonna get any better. He's not gonna grow out of it. And if you have kids with this man, it will only get worse. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:23:32 And I've talked to a lot of women who feel very stuck in marriages with deadbeat partners who just like, don't care enough to help. Yeah, yeah. I don't, I've really struggled with like, where care enough to help. Yeah, yeah. I don't, I've really struggled with like where to go from here. But I, and I've wanted to avoid any breakup ultimatum talks of any kind, but I think it's at the point

Starting point is 00:23:56 where that's kind of just what I have to do. I mean like the fact that he can't take out the garbage. Yeah. Like he will watch it be full and even, you know, he can't even lean into toxic masculinity to be like, I should take all the garbage on the guy, you know? Like he'll just sit there and watch it pile on and pile on and just wait for his girlfriend slash maid

Starting point is 00:24:23 to do it for him. Yeah. And it just, yeah, like I said, I told him we had a conversation about this literally last night. And I told him that, you know, I just straight up don't believe him anymore, that his words at this point hold no value to me when he says that he'll do something different

Starting point is 00:24:42 because they haven't changed in the last four months. So why would it change now kind of thing? And that I just don't trust what he says anymore. And it has started to fester into every other aspect of our relationship, like things that we, we never had a problem with our sex life before. And now all the, like, why would I want to sleep with you when I'm tired? And the last thing I want to do is like touch your penis. I can't, I can't do it. I'm tired. And that's the thing.

Starting point is 00:25:09 Yeah. Resentment has already, you know, kind of seeped into the relationship. Yeah. And the bummer part is, is that he seems to be more likely to just start resenting you than change. Because, you know, the reality is, if your sister is right it is very hard

Starting point is 00:25:27 to change your ways after being catered to for your entire life and yeah he doesn't clearly doesn't want to change so now you're just going to come across as a nag and he's going to resent you and yeah you know like at this point is he even if he's he is he. And you know, like at this point, is he even, is he doing it because he wants to participate in the relationship or is he doing it just because he just wants you to shut up and have you touch his dick? Yeah, and he's mentioned, you know,

Starting point is 00:25:56 in the same way that I feel like I'm not being listened to or anything like that, he does feel like I just nag him all the time and that I'm so hyper focused on it and he feels insecure because we don't have sex as much as we used to, you know, and I, and I've told him like, yeah, I'm probably not a joy to be around. I'm probably a bitch half the time, but like, I don't know what you would want me to do any differently. Until things get better, I am going to continue to be frustrated and it's going to just get worse.

Starting point is 00:26:32 And what's he say? He agrees. He's never told me that what I'm saying is wrong. That's the hard part is he doesn't ever disagree with me on anything. It's very annoying. And I told him I almost feel like crazy at this point that my expectations are so far out there and unobtainable that I literally think I'm going insane because I must just be such a crazy, clean freak, girlfriend, whatever. And I know I'm not, but I told him that you make me feel that way.

Starting point is 00:27:05 And he's like, well, that's not my intention. And, you know, I never want to make you feel like you're crazy and your expectations aren't too far out there and it is doable and I will do better. And it, yeah, those words are just so nice to hear, but they don't mean shit anymore. Like, when are you doing the laundry and doing, when you're doing all these things, what's he doing? Sitting on the couch.

Starting point is 00:27:28 Watching you? Yeah, watching me on his phone, whatever. And have you said anything in that moment being like, can you help? Yeah, and usually if I say something, he will like, I'm like, hey, trying to clean things up around here. Do you think you could maybe do the dishes?

Starting point is 00:27:49 And, you know, I roll and he'll go up and do it. And that's great and all. And yeah, that took it off my plate today. But what happens next week and like constantly having to ask for help gets very, very exhausting. Like he's never anytime I ask, he will do it, but I don't want to have to ask anymore. Well, okay. Let me ask you this. What if you only had two choices?

Starting point is 00:28:14 You could obviously leave the relationship or you could marry him. He will be the nice, loving, caring, good uncle that he is. But when it comes to helping you around the house or being a parent, you will almost always have to ask. But if you ask, he will generally mostly do it. Which one would you choose? That sounds like a miserable life. I would probably opt to break up. If I knew that that was what my future was going to be, I would opt to break up.

Starting point is 00:28:51 Even if he, what if he jumped right up and said, sure, no problem. And you asked, still seems frustrating. Still seems like I'm his mom. And maybe that's unrealistic. I don't know, but I'm sure mom. And maybe that's unrealistic, I don't know, but that seems, I'm sure not. It's not unrealistic. I don't think Natalie has to ask you to do the dishes.

Starting point is 00:29:13 No, but she definitely has to. We ask each other to do things from time to time, for sure. She definitely asks me every day for some kind of help, but I'm also often doing things on my own. Yeah. And I think there's blue and pink jobs of how silly that sounds, but if I'm gonna clean and do the laundry and whatever, that's fine, but go change the oil in my car. If that's what it is, or hang the shelf, or do the things that if it is or hang the shelf or do the things that if you want to be a man do the things that a man does but the problem is

Starting point is 00:29:50 is that I am independent and I handle my own shit and you know I've told him I was like if you don't want to clean and you don't want to do that that's fine but when it comes to mowing the lawn and changing the oil in our cars and things like that. You guys have a lawn? You guys live in a house? Yes. Who's mowing the lawn and changing the oil in our cars and things like that. You guys have a lawn? You guys live in a house? Yes. Who's mowing the lawn? At our last rental, our landlord mowed it for us. And at this one, there's someone else that now mows it as well, which is good. I guess that takes something off of it, but just in the concept of life, like to me,

Starting point is 00:30:25 like if I'm gonna do everything else, those are some other things that you could do or like clean the garage. Maybe that's your job, but at this point, they're all my jobs. I mean, you're in a, yeah. You're gonna have to do something drastic. I agree.

Starting point is 00:30:41 And you'll have to figure out what that, what's, what are you comfortable with? But yeah, you have to figure out what that what's what are you comfortable with? But yeah, you have to consider the fact that you guys aren't as compatible as you wish. Yeah. Okay. You know, I'll tell you an anecdotal story. When I was on the Batch threat, it really irritated me. When granted, it's about Sherrell and there's a lot of group dates and interrupting and things like that. And when the lead's on a date, all the people sitting around the house will have the man chats, the girl chats, and the producers will ask them questions. And a common question was always, so do you think Joe is going to come back today or something?

Starting point is 00:31:18 Do you think Joe's going to get a rose or do you think he's going to get sent home or whatever? And we'd all, you know, and it always would annoy me when my peers would be like, oh yeah, Joe's such a good dude, man. Of course he's gonna come back. And I'm like, who gives a fuck if he's a good dude? Like, this isn't the good dude competition. This is like, who has a better connection?

Starting point is 00:31:39 Who's more compatible? Who does she like the most? It's not about being a good guy. You know, like, I'm glad he's a good guy. And I'm glad that Joe, whoever she was, was a good guy. You know what I'm saying? But like, when it comes to relationships, if all you can say about why you two are together

Starting point is 00:31:58 or why you two work and why you love him or choose him above anyone else in this world. If he's like, because he's a good guy and he's nice to his nieces, like maybe he's not your guy. You seem like a bit type A, you like things done a certain way, that's fine, but you are dating the literal opposite of you.

Starting point is 00:32:27 Like, you know, it's like, huh. Yeah. You know, so to him, maybe you are just a nag. I don't know, maybe to him, he needs someone who's a little more chill. Maybe he needs someone who's a little more comfortable letting some clothes pile up for a day or two, because eventually he'll get to it.

Starting point is 00:32:42 Maybe he needs someone who's like, I'm just never gonna, I'm just never gonna like think to do this shit. But like, if you ask me, I guess I'll get up because. Whatever, but like you don't want that. It's not, it's frustrating for you. You resent that, that person. Something's got to give, right? And the big question is, can you, can he, can both of you a little bit,

Starting point is 00:33:05 or do you just guys decide that despite both being good people, maybe you're not each other's person? I feared that that's what you were gonna say. Well, I mean, I'm just throwing out options, you know. I'm just, I'm only saying what I'm saying based on what I'm getting from you. Yeah, I don't think you're totally wrong. And I do think that he thinks I'm a saying what I'm saying based on what I'm getting from you. Yeah, I don't think you're totally wrong. I do think that he thinks I'm a clean freak.

Starting point is 00:33:28 I promise, I like a clean home, I do, but I'm not. I have three dogs, they sleep in our bed, they sit on our couch, they drink out of our toilet. There are dishes in the sink sometimes, and that's cool. I'm not a freak by any means, I know I'm not, but sometimes it, like he makes me feel like I am. I mean, listen, you don't have to sell me. You know, like Nellie and I, you know, we're busy people.

Starting point is 00:33:54 We, you know, we're not big, like, we don't grocery shop for the week, you know, we're surrounded by grocery stores. Most nights when I come home from work, I call her up and be like, what do you, you know, what should I pick up for dinner? And I'll stop at a grocery store, I'll get the ingredients for whatever I'm gonna make.

Starting point is 00:34:08 I cook dinner and I don't know, I usually clean the kitchen. She's usually giving River a bath. She's usually the one doing all the laundry. She's usually the one, I don't know, I have vacuumed, I don't know, no times in 2025, and it's not true, and once or twice, but you know what I'm saying?

Starting point is 00:34:27 Like we just, it fits. But like, it sounds like the idea that he would call you up and say, hey babe, what can I pick us up for dinner? Does that ever happen? Like. It's true, okay. So I told you we've been dating for a year and a half-ish.

Starting point is 00:34:42 Valentine's Day was, what, a month ago? The first time he ever cooked me dinner in our entire relationship was this Valentine's Day. I mean, I'm not even talking about cooking. I'm talking about, does he even get, offer to like get the groceries or stop at the store or run an errand for you? No.

Starting point is 00:34:59 That's crazy. No. That's crazy. Yeah. Was it good? Was he a good cook? It was fine. It was steak. Yeah. And if that's what, and I crazy. Yeah, was it good? Was he a good cook? It was fine. It was steak Yeah, and if that's what and I've told him there's nights that I work late later

Starting point is 00:35:11 Once a week if he cooked you a nice steak, I'm sure you'd really appreciate that. Yeah, I would love that Yeah, I there's nights that I work late and whatever and I've told him, you know If I work from 8 in the morning until 9 o'clock at night and I've told him, you know, if I worked from eight in the morning until nine o'clock at night, it'd be really nice to come home and it could truly at this point, if it was Kraft Mac and Cheese sitting there reading for me, like I would be over the moon at this point

Starting point is 00:35:34 because like it's just one thing to take off my plate. You have to remind yourself that you're not happy. That's a weird thing to say, but you're pretending this is, you're not happy. I know it's a weird thing to say, but you're pretending this is, you're not happy, you're miserable, you're at the point of resentment. So, and I only say that because it's just like, you have to make a decision,

Starting point is 00:35:54 because this, you're not happy, right? So why are you continuing a life that makes you so unhappy? Something needs to change. You need to drastically change something or shake it up or something. You need to try to get through this person. And that's the thing though, and your predicament is that people almost never change for anyone else. And when they do, it's always very temporary, right? So even if you broke up with him or made him kicked out, whatever changes he would make in the short term would be almost impossible to trust.

Starting point is 00:36:29 Because it would be doing it just because you scared the shit out of him, he's trying to get back together with you or yada yada yada. And so your predicament is to, how will you ever trust that after 26 years of being taught how to do one thing, how can you trust that he is actually committed to wanting to change? I honestly fear that it's a compatibility issue

Starting point is 00:36:51 because it's just more likely that you're better off finding someone you're a little bit more compatible with. And then maybe that's it. I think maybe the most realistic, drastic thing you can do is to sit him down and say, I don't know if we're compatible. You know, cause right now, you're nagging him about chores. You're like, you're not doing enough, do more. You're just yada, yada, you're telling him to do stuff.

Starting point is 00:37:16 When you come to him and present to him, I've been thinking, I'm worried, I don't think we're compatible. And as sad as that makes me feel, I'm just wondering if maybe we're not each other's person. And that will, Teal, hear that differently. Because that's you kind of giving up. That's you not trying anymore.

Starting point is 00:37:36 That's you kind of admitting defeat. And that's him maybe having to hear something that he doesn't want to hear. Because you nagging at this point, he just, he's just like, oh,, oh god, I'm sorry. And that's the thing, when he apologizes, you can say, listen, that's the thing, you can stop apologizing to me.

Starting point is 00:37:52 As I realize that I can't change you, and honestly, I don't wanna change you because you would just resent me, and this is who you wanna be, and I'm just, I'm who I am, right? I'm never gonna be okay with being your mom or allowing this house to like just be filthy and messy and I don't wanna wait around for things to get done.

Starting point is 00:38:12 And I also don't wanna nag you and I'm just wondering if maybe like, you know, I love you and I don't wanna break up with you. I'm so sad, you might maybe cry, I don't know, but like we don't get along on a very important aspect of relationships and Yeah, see if that affects it that affects him, you know And don't say things like you're not gonna find anyone like me or anyone think you know, you have to almost

Starting point is 00:38:37 It's true. Like this isn't again, you know, you kind of have to acknowledge the truth, which is We're not on the same page, I don't want to live like this, I don't think we're compatible, I don't have a choice. Because like that way, when you deliver it that way, he can't necessarily plead with you to reconsider anything or give him another chance. It's not about giving him a chance, it's about you recognizing and accepting something you didn't want to believe, which is like, I don't know, maybe we're not compatible. And that way you can be like, I don't know,

Starting point is 00:39:05 just like, I'm not even saying or doing this to get you to change, because I don't want you to change for me, you know? Because then I'm just an egg. So what I want is a man who wants to be my partner in all aspects of a relationship, and living together and having a family like requires two people to want to help,

Starting point is 00:39:23 and I want someone who does. Yeah, that's something I've definitely never tried before. I think I'm stubborn and yeah, maybe part of the reason I like won't ultimate them or anything like that is just because I won't have to admit defeat and that we're not compatible. I have not wanted to admit that up until this point.

Starting point is 00:39:46 And that's probably the one conversation that we've never had in regards to this. No, it might be worth having. So. Yeah, I think you're right. These are prime years you're giving up. I really appreciate it. Yeah, and I know I'm young and I,

Starting point is 00:40:01 there's plenty of time to break up and get back together with someone else and do, you know, date other people. Like I'm not stressed about that. Like I'm only 24 and I've always told him that I don't need you. I'm more than capable of doing everything by myself clearly, but I want you. And like even that doesn't hit. So it's like, yeah, I think I just need to like pitchforks down and admit that we're not compatible.

Starting point is 00:40:29 Well, listen, I don't see him making any decisions. So it's all gonna have to come from you. So you will decide when you're actually truly fed up. And then that's when you will actually do something about it, whatever it is you do. But as long as you recognize that he's not changing and no, you know, it's not about asking things a different way or a better way or communicating things. He just, this is who you're in a relationship with and he really has to want to care.

Starting point is 00:41:00 He doesn't believe you're going to do anything about it. Yeah, I think you're totally right. And I, yeah, I really appreciate the honesty. I knew that was exactly what I was going to get calling you. And that's kind of, you know, I talked to my friends and they can all agree that he's a great guy. He's a great guy. He's a great guy. And I appreciate the insight from one,

Starting point is 00:41:18 a man who helps around the house and, you know, is a partner to his wife. And I appreciate just someone being like so blunt and honest with me. All right, well, why I'm here. Good luck, keep us posted. I'd love to know what you decide to do. But yeah, it's a tough situation

Starting point is 00:41:36 because I empathize with your plight. Because all jokes aside, it's not easy to consider leaving a relationship where you love a lot of the things they bring to the table. But same thing, if he was, let's say, helpful, but let's say he was terrible with money, terrible credit, gambling problems, I mean, that would be, despite him being a good guy, that would be a serious red flag and concern and something that would ultimately be something

Starting point is 00:42:03 that you would have to take on that responsibility if you married that person. And I think the broom type element of a relationship is easy to overlook, you know, because it's like not that hard to sleep a floor or empty a dishwasher or wash a dish, but like it is magnified tenfold when you guys start having a family. You know, as you get older, you have more responsibility, both probably at work and at home. More and more people rely on you. As you get older, you'll not only be a parent to your children, but you'll start taking on more kind of nurturing roles when it comes to your parents and things like that. And you're sure going to want a partner who's there to help, you know, help with all aspects of being a team.

Starting point is 00:42:45 I mean, my favorite thing about being married is I really feel like I have a partner, that I have a teammate in life, and that we get things done together, and that whatever emotional problem or tangible work, I have a partner, and you don't have a partner, you have a boyfriend. Yeah, I do, and yeah and you don't have a partner. You have a boyfriend. Yeah, I do.

Starting point is 00:43:05 And I, yeah, I'm just tired, honestly. I'm just exhausted. I work full time and come home and handle everything at home and everything in our social life and all those things. And yeah, I'm just at this point, just exhausted and there's, I'm having a very hard time seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. Well, that, that's, that should tell you something. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:43:28 If nothing else, it tells you that everything you've done so far is not enough and that you need to take more drastic measures and talking about it isn't gonna do anything. Yeah. And I'll leave you with this, just remember, stop acting like his mom, stop assuming the role of his mom. Anything feels like, you know, short of like you're getting it done because not getting it done would affect you, stop doing anything that he is capable of doing on his own.

Starting point is 00:43:55 Okay. I think that's a great place to start. And yeah, I think I'll know my breaking point when I get there. All right. Well, good luck. Thank you very much. I really appreciate it. I do just want to say that I listen to every single episode of Ask Nick, all the episodes, reality recap, and I just really, I love listening and it's great. Me and my best friend, Sierra, we work together and so we have you in our headphones together at the same time, all the time and we're totally obsessed. That means a lot.

Starting point is 00:44:26 I love to hear it. Please tell all your friends and thank you for, thanks for calling in, thanks for listening. Okay, thank you so much. Take care, all right, bye bye. Bye. Your time is expensive and valuable people and when you are at work, there's so many just like

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Starting point is 00:48:47 How's it going? Hi, I'm Rose. I'm 29. How can we help, Rose? Or how can I help? I need to know if I am dikmatized by the last guy I've been talking with. Okay. Well, what do you think? I'm leading to yes. Tell me more about this guy and what, so this is like a situationship, I'm guessing? We met at a party and we hooked up the first night and we started hanging out or we started talking a lot and then we hang out a couple times and then now it's kind of like faded out

Starting point is 00:49:20 and I feel like maybe I was into it more than he was, but he kind of just like ghosted me. But I thought that this was gonna be someone that maybe I could like see myself like getting more involved with. Okay. And as of late, it was kind of just like plateaued. What was the last thing you heard from him?

Starting point is 00:49:37 So we were kind of in this conversation where he's a really crappy texter. Like he takes like a day or two to respond to my texts. And our texts are more lengthy and in depth. So I always thought that that was okay. But the one day he had kind of said to me, oh, sorry that I suck at texting. I'm not interested in keeping you waiting, blah, blah, blah.

Starting point is 00:50:01 I was like, okay, that was kind of out of nowhere. But I wasn't sure where he was coming from for that. And we decided that he wasn't ready or in a position in his life to kind of progress things. But I was willing to more so like take a step back and meet him where he was at. And so I had sent him a text message a week later saying I was good to keep things more casual. And he wrote back being like, Okay, can I get back to you? And I was good to keep things more casual. And he wrote back being like, okay, can I get back to you? And I was like, yeah, sure. And then that was three weeks ago

Starting point is 00:50:31 and he's just not ever gotten back to me. Gotcha. What is different about this particular guy? And like, and what, I don't mean the guy himself. I mean this situation. Like, is this the first time you've had like a, you hooked up with a guy himself, I mean this situation. Is this the first time you've had, you hooked up with a guy on the first night?

Starting point is 00:50:48 No. I think what really stuck to me was, he treated me with a lot of respect. Okay. Compared to what? And that was kind of more. What specifically? So you know what I'm saying?

Starting point is 00:51:01 You met him at a party, you guys hooked up that night, you've done that before, okay, but what following that hookup felt differently specifically? I think like he was doing more gentlemen like things for me. Okay, like opening the door or hanging dinner or something? Yeah, opening up the door, wiping the snow off, you know, putting on my jacket for me, that type of stuff.

Starting point is 00:51:27 And then I also noticed that even though he sucked at texting back in a decent timeframe, he was also not on his phone with me. And a lot of people, we know a lot of the same people and they were always like, oh, he's great. He's such a good, like good for you type of thing. So kind of like reassured, like, okay, like this is, this is a good one. I'm going after four. It wasn't someone that was like I had typically gone for in my past. So it was like new, but yeah. So I'm, I, I'm just kind of like stumped thinking like, you know, he kind of just, I mean, he kind of told me he didn't want to progress things and when we had got together one night after

Starting point is 00:52:12 he had sent that text message, we talked about it in person. And he had kind of said that he was so busy with work that he didn't have the capacity or he didn't want to feel more weight on him like in the girlfriend style but he's like your wife material if you want a boyfriend you totally deserve it you should go after it but like I can't do that now. And then he also told me to protect myself which I know I was thinking I was like oh gosh I was like if I write into Nick and I tell this, and he's gonna be like, if someone tells you to protect yourself against them,

Starting point is 00:52:48 then like, you'd be a fool not to believe them type of thing, right? Is that what he meant? Protect himself against him, from him? Like, I protect myself against him, yeah. I don't know, that's what he said, so. Yeah, I mean, so like, why are you having such a hard time getting over this guy?

Starting point is 00:53:04 I don't know. Because your friend said he's a good guy and he no get a couple of things for you How many times you guys hook up? Wow before this whole like situation happened. We had gone on three dates Did you hook up all time all three times? Yeah And I thought it was like fireworks That's why I thought of my dick for times. I thought it was like great. That's what I thought of my dictatized because I thought it was like great. You thought the sex was great? Yeah. Well, I mean, listen, like I guess

Starting point is 00:53:28 what can I help you with? It's like, he's not even talking to you, right? So like, what were you hoping to get out of this call? And like, you know, how did you feel starting the call and how are you hoping to feel by the time the call was ending? I don't know. I feel like I need someone to like tell me,

Starting point is 00:53:44 which like my friends have been telling me, but I need someone to tell me, be like, get over it type of thing. Or, or like, just because this is like one of the first guys to treat me like with respect, is that why I am like hesitant to like keep walking away type of thing. Well, I mean, he, he basically has told you to stop

Starting point is 00:54:04 and he hasn't told you to stop and he hasn't called you at all. So it's borderlining on being creepy by suggesting that you're not gonna give up on him. Like you're just nothing. Well, no, it's not that I'm not gonna give up on him. I mean, I haven't reached out. No, I get that.

Starting point is 00:54:22 But like mentally you're still talking like there's something to hold on to. Yeah. I, I get that. But like mentally you're still talking. Like there's something to hold on to. Yeah. I think I was just hopeful that like, if I were to like see him out and about that like maybe like we could rekindle. Because, I mean, I don't doubt that if you met him out and about at the right time and the right day

Starting point is 00:54:40 of the week that it could lead to you guys rekindling. I don't think that's gonna be in the way that you hope. It might mean just sex. Even the good guys are still guys. And guys, well I mean guys, how old is he? In his early 30s I think. Guys in their early 30s, 20s, whatever, they'll often say yes to sex if sex says on the table. You know?

Starting point is 00:55:05 And it's a lot easier for men to disconnect from sex and not feel any type of emotions connected to sex. And they can still be generally a good guy and it's like the difference between him and he's a little more thoughtful and a little more considerate than maybe the average fuck boy. And I'm sure he is a good guy

Starting point is 00:55:23 and maybe he'll be a great guy to the person he really wants to be in a relationship with, but he's giving you all the signs he doesn't wanna be in a relationship with you. And he thought sex was pretty good with you, enough to wanna do it again, and then as soon as you started elevating how you felt about him,

Starting point is 00:55:42 he immediately started distancing himself from you. Which means that all he really wanted from you was sex. And he thought you were nice, nice enough, a cool enough hang, but ultimately, hearing how you felt about him made it very clear to him how he felt about you or didn't feel about you. Right, yeah. So you believe in the whole, like,

Starting point is 00:56:04 if he wanted to, he would type of thing. Like if a guy is interested in you, it doesn't matter how busy they are in their schedule. Like this particular scenario, 100%. Yes. He is not too busy for work and he is not, it might be true that right now, if given the choice, having a girlfriend is not on his top priority list but what is true that as he's met the right person he would absolutely be in a relationship with her assuming that eventually he wants to settle down and have kids so yeah this guy would if he wanted to. Yeah when we had a kind of conversation about that he said he didn't see kind of kids in his future he didn't want kids and he didn't even know

Starting point is 00:56:45 what he wanted in his future in terms of a wife and a family and type of stuff. Yeah, well there you go. So he's not even someone who's sure what he wants. And despite him being a nice guy, what do you want? Do you wanna have kids or settle down, get married? What are your relationship goals? Yeah, I would like my family, like a family and kids.

Starting point is 00:57:05 So him telling you, I mean, again, like maybe it's a lie, but it's also probably true. I mean, it's probably true that right now he is unsure about what he wants for himself as it relates to a family. And you're not even like listening to that. You're just like, oh, he opened the door for me. I know. It's like, it's sad.

Starting point is 00:57:25 I've, I've, I mean, him, I think he's healed some wounds that like, I didn't realize were still there. So it's served its purpose in the end, but. What wounds did he heal? Well, just like in terms of that, like I was going for guys that like really treated me like shit, so it's like, why was I going for these guys and giving guys time?

Starting point is 00:57:46 How quickly are you usually hooking up with the people you're going on dates with? I'm not really dating, to be honest. And if I hook up with guys, it was more traveling. It wasn't really from where I live. And that was just more like, you just hooked up and you just kinda moved on? Guys would I travel with yes or I would still,

Starting point is 00:58:09 I still talk to them, but it's more like friends. But it's pretty cash, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So what about men that you've dated? I would say I haven't really dated a lot. I dated in high school, which counts in a way, and then I had one relationship, but. Okay, well these men that you refer to,

Starting point is 00:58:26 these other bad men that you usually go after, what, who are these men and where do they fit in? I think they were just from like my like university days that like I would meet guys like at bars type of thing. I mean, you're 29, what have you been doing for the past five years? Traveling, not really dating. You haven't dated at all, you just, you've have you been doing for the past five years? Traveling. Not really dating. You haven't dated at all?

Starting point is 00:58:47 You've been just traveling and having the occasional like travel hookup buddy? Yes, I mean I dated someone and we broke up like three or four years ago, but yeah that's it. Okay. Well I don't know, maybe you just need more practice dating. Maybe you just haven't gotten out there enough. Maybe most of your adult life, as you've just described, was college, whatever, you know,

Starting point is 00:59:08 you did your thing in college. But post-college, you've been traveling, which is cool and exciting, and doing a lot of independent things, which is cool and exciting. And you've had some fun, casual sex, which can be cool and exciting. And you've been able to disconnect from that sex

Starting point is 00:59:21 in a way that a lot of men are able to do. And that's truly, again, like I always say, if you're gonna, I don't, man, woman, whatever, you wanna participate in a culture that a lot of men are able to do. And that's truly like, you know, again, like I always say, if you're gonna, I don't, man, woman, whatever, you wanna participate in a culture, great, go nuts. Like sex positivity, have your fun, but be honest with yourself about your ability or inability to disconnect emotionally from sex because that's all it is going to be

Starting point is 00:59:41 if you don't have emotional connection. And it takes months at a minimum to you don't have emotional connection and it takes months at a minimum to have any type of emotional connection with someone. So yeah, maybe you need to kind of get out. And so I don't know, what I'm hearing is you met this guy, kind of went on a couple dates, you hadn't really ever done that much in your adult life. And it felt right, it felt good. It felt like it, like you said, like it should.

Starting point is 01:00:05 But you didn't really have much to go on. And so maybe you need to get out there and experience more dates and some bad dates and some good dates and you need to meet other nice people who aren't your people so that nice doesn't become your only barometer. And it's also just as a note, I think people need to start separating hookup culture and dating culture. And the problem with dating culture is that people don't know the difference between hookup culture and dating culture.

Starting point is 01:00:33 And dating culture is a lot more difficult when it starts with sex. It just is. It doesn't make it impossible. It just makes it more difficult. It makes it more complicated. And so, maybe when you are dating, you focus on dating and you hold out the sex. And if when you're traveling and you're doing your thing and it's just like, hey, I wanna have a good time with a sexy man in a cool place and not gonna fall in love because they live across the world,

Starting point is 01:01:03 then do your thing. But when you're going on dates with people who live in your area and you're going on a date with thinking, I don't know, who knows what could happen, but maybe I'll like this guy, and maybe if I like this guy, maybe we could be something. And I like what I know so far, which is very little, mostly based off their bio or whatever,

Starting point is 01:01:20 or maybe you met them in person and you thought they made a good impression. Like if that's the type of date you're going on, maybe despite how great the date is or how much chemistry there you might feel, maybe you hold off and build that anticipation while you two get to know each other, you know? Yeah. So. I'm finding it hard to even like meet people. The apps suck. I mean, I went back on Hinge and there's one guy I'm talking to and I'm not sure like how that would like work out, but I'm not really meeting people

Starting point is 01:01:51 out in like real life. So I don't know where I'm supposed to meet someone that like I would potentially see as a partner or someone that I would wanna date with. I mean, how hard are you trying? I don't know. Cause you make it seem like when you've traveled, you know,

Starting point is 01:02:07 you've had the occasional fun hookup. Yeah. And how are you meeting them? Like at the bar. Okay. Or like on like an adventure type of thing, like excursion. Okay.

Starting point is 01:02:17 I mean, listen, like I think sometimes we have unrealistic expectations and I get it, you know, very easy to become impatient with our love lives and dating lives, but it doesn't sound like you actually have a hard time meeting people. It sounds like maybe you're not meeting. You haven't found your person as a 29 year old. It sounds like maybe overall that there's a general frustration or a little bit of an anxiety about like, when am I going to meet that person?

Starting point is 01:02:42 At the same time, you've also have to recognize the lifestyle you've been living, as one of more independence and adventure, which I think you will be very great, older you will be very grateful for younger you for having that fun. But also, you have to recognize that you've made those choices and own those choices and maybe that like you were making different decisions

Starting point is 01:03:02 as a 24 year old woman than maybe say someone who was like dead set on like finding a husband and being a mom, you know? Neither writer is wrong, you know? But now that you're 29, maybe you're a little more intentional about dating. You know, maybe you like wanna, you know, maybe like the travel hookups have just like,

Starting point is 01:03:18 you know, it was fun, but like, I don't, you know, how many more of those can I do? So maybe you just need to like have a little patience. Put yourself out there, try new things, go on dates with people that you're not obsessed with before you even get to know them. Try it out, you're gonna have to be patient, but don't waste your time on people who make it very clear

Starting point is 01:03:37 that they're not interested in moving forward. Right. Yeah, I wasn't, before that guy had even said that he didn't have the time for me, I was like, whoa, I didn't, before that guy had even said that he wasn't, like, he didn't have the time for me, I was like, whoa, I didn't even know that that's like, yeah, I thought some of the things that we had talked about, he could lead into a potential partner, but I didn't even like decide in my head

Starting point is 01:03:56 if I had had feelings for him, or he was someone that I saw myself dating, like, it kind of like we got in this conversation, and then like, that's when like a real, what are we type of conversation was had, and I was like, that was kind of like we got in this conversation and then like that's when like a real what are we type of conversation was had and I was like that was kind of premature like we were just hanging out and seeing how it was going and then now it's like okay no never mind. Well because you had sex most likely. Yeah. I mean sex for men is yeah I mean it that it keeps them interested. And not sex, but the thought of having sex. But once men have sex with people they barely know,

Starting point is 01:04:30 whether they realize it or not, like it just kind of takes, they better just be obsessed with having sex with you. And even then, when you start pulling out like, hey, what are we? And what are we, you know, I like you. And he's just like on the fence about it. And if he's already had sex with you a couple times,

Starting point is 01:04:45 he's just gonna be like, I'm good. I doubt he's thinking consciously, I know what it's like to have sex with her and I don't care anymore and I'm good. He just like, he just doesn't think he likes you enough. You know, he's not that curious about you anymore. You know, you need curiosity to stay interested. You know, he did things that were new for you, right?

Starting point is 01:05:04 You had dated, it sounds like by your own admission, you've dated these shitty men or whatever, or also maybe you just weren't dating all that much. You were traveling and being misindependent, which is great, and now you've decided, all right, I wanna date more intentionally now for the sake of maybe finding a person, right? So you meet this guy, he's pretty nice,

Starting point is 01:05:25 it's a little different, he's opening doors, and for you, that sparked your curiosity. And that was enough for you to say, ooh, I'd like to learn more, you know? And I think women, when it comes to sex, typically, not always, will be bonded to the people they have sex with for no other reason than that they had sex.

Starting point is 01:05:43 And you will feel a pull and connection to this person you had sex with without even being able to explain it. Where men on the other side are like, yeah, I don't know, I kinda need you to give me 30 minutes. I don't honestly even want you around me right now. Because their body chemistry is telling them a different thing, you know?

Starting point is 01:06:00 And there was nothing that made him curious about you to want to learn more. Yeah. And that's again, that's not a reflection on you or not to make you feel bad. You know, it's just like that's human. I don't know. There's a lot of people who are not interested

Starting point is 01:06:14 in getting to know me more and vice versa. Like, and they might've thought I was a nice guy. They might've even thought I was attractive. I don't know, but maybe my quirky, aloof, kind of very unique personality wasn't the right fit for them, you know? And I wasn't their, but maybe my quirky, aloof, kind of very unique personality wasn't the right fit for them. You know? And I wasn't their cup of tea.

Starting point is 01:06:29 I was fine, I was nice, I was a cool hang, you know? Maybe they even enjoyed some of my bed scales, but like at the other day, maybe I just wasn't their guy. You know, like it's not, you know, you're not for everyone. You're not supposed to be. And not everyone's for you, you know? That's where you have to get your ego out of all this, but. Yeah, that's what my thought was kind of coming into play was that like my ego was like,

Starting point is 01:06:48 oh, I can't believe it type of thing. And like the rejection kind of like, sure. A little bit of that. Yeah, there's a little bit of that. There's probably a little bit of like you having sex with this guy or a few times and that that that made you feel connected to him more than it made him feel connected to you. He also again did some things that were new to you and you enjoyed the newness and it intrigued you and he didn't get the same feeling and again you're also looking for maybe a boyfriend. He's also not looking for a girlfriend. There was a lot of things that played into why this didn't work out. You know what you need to have happen is have it not like just fuck you up or have you just like, you know, become obsessed in a way with this guy and just chalk it up to be like, yeah, you know,

Starting point is 01:07:30 just not my guy as opposed to like not listening to him and accepting his answer and just taking it for what it is, is like, I don't know, he's just not that into you. Yeah. when I wrote in to speak with you, it was like the first week after we had just stopped talking. So and then like, I've been processing it the last couple weeks. I'm like, okay, I think I'm good with like where I'm at with it. But I just wanted more of that like validation and like reassurance from you because all like everything that you're saying I've already like process in my head and I'm in therapy. And we about this like with my therapist and about okay like this is someone who's been showing new things for me but okay now it's my turn to kind of write on paper what I do want from a partner and what are things that I'll be looking for in non-negotiables and that type of stuff. So if anything he showed me some qualities that I will now demand type of thing in my next anything, he showed me some qualities that I will now demand type of thing in my next partner. Or just, you know, look for, you know. Look for, yeah, sorry, well, yeah.

Starting point is 01:08:33 Not demand, he must open my door, but like things that I won't like settle for type of without. Yeah, and just remember when it comes to you dating, it's a lot easier to make clear decisions when sex isn't involved, at least before you really know who they are. And again, I'm not here to tell you who you shouldn't

Starting point is 01:08:52 have sex with or how fast you should have sex. I just want you and anyone listening just to be honest, just respect what sex is and be honest with yourself about what you want to get out of that relationship or that interaction and just be honest with yourself about what you want to get out of that relationship or that interaction and just be honest with yourself about how sex is going to change that dynamic because it always does. And then, you know, just make a decision.

Starting point is 01:09:14 Right. But yeah, I get the impression from you that hookup culture and dating culture, there's really been no difference for you, right? And a lot of what you've done in your 20s is more participate in hookup culture, which again, older you is gonna be very difference for you, right? And a lot of what you've done in your 20s is more participate in hookup culture, which again, older you is gonna be very appreciative of that, right?

Starting point is 01:09:30 I'm very grateful, you know, for all the wondering when am I gonna meet my person? And if you would have told 25 year old me that I wasn't gonna meet my person until I was 40, I would have panicked, you know? But now that I'm in the position that I'm in, I am not like wishing I was out at the clubs. I'm not wondering what I gave up.

Starting point is 01:09:48 I had a lot of fun. I got to do all the things I wanted to do. I have no regrets. I still am in a relationship where I do a lot of cool and exciting things. So be glad that you've lived this life, be thankful for it. And now that you are, it almost sounds like you're in a transitional period from dating more for fun and excitement and for sex. And now you're, you know, you're getting older, you're approaching

Starting point is 01:10:10 30 and now you want to make some changes in your life. So I think maybe slow down a little bit, take it easy on yourself, be a little patient and just be mindful of your choices. Yeah. I think you're right. Cause I think I spent the majority of like my 20s traveling and working and working to travel and then taking like five, six weeks off to go do that so then I wouldn't have time to date so that like I'm in a spot in my life where I feel like I have my ducks in a row. I'm ready to kind of take that like next chapter of life with someone else. Like it is like discouraging when someone who I thought like maybe could have been

Starting point is 01:10:58 someone cool today didn't feel the same. Like that's where like the ego and like the rejections like god damn like okay. Well welcome to the club you know it's part of life. Club's just life. Say love you. There you go. Alright well hopefully this was helpful. I think you you know you need to let this it's getting weird for you to like keep talking about him and not accepting it. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:11:23 So you know. I was in the accepting part of it. I just wanted to chat with you. All right. Well, go forth and prosper and just be patient. Your podcast is great. I appreciate it. Your podcast is great. I'm listening to it.

Starting point is 01:11:36 Thank you very much. I appreciate it and good luck with love. Take it easy on yourself. It sounds like you're doing just fine. This guy fucked you up a little bit. Yeah, yeah. I'm good though. I got my girls, if anything.

Starting point is 01:11:47 Well, then that's great. But also, you have to be willing to get hurt to find love. Yuck. You'll live, it's fine. Honestly, it can be fun. What's the point of life without feeling? I don't know. I'm being serious though.

Starting point is 01:12:03 Pain is a part of life. And I'm not saying though. Like pain is a part of life. And I'm not saying like go seek out pain, but like when you look back, I don't know, you're 29 years old. Think about your, I imagine some of your most memorable experiences the past nine years were included adversity of some kind. And some of your best moments reflecting back

Starting point is 01:12:22 is how you overcame that adversity. And those become memorable stories. They become things that we connect with. And some of your best moments reflecting back is how you overcame that adversity. And those become memorable stories, they become things that we connect with, but you have to go through the fire to be able to reflect back and think about how you got through the fire, right? So like, I'm not saying going out there

Starting point is 01:12:38 and fuck yourself up and go put yourself in situations that will hurt you, but don't avoid living your life, knowing that that might cause you some pain by putting yourself out there and being vulnerable because that is life. Yeah, that's something that my therapist and I are talking about right now

Starting point is 01:12:57 is that the famous quote of, would you rather love and lost or just not kind of love at all? And I feel like I've always led towards that rather just never known what it was. So then I'm not missing it after it's like been lost, you know? Yeah, that's wrong answer. Well, it's a protective factor. No, I get it. But you know how to take risks.

Starting point is 01:13:21 You travel like you worked to travel. You tell me, did you not face any adversity over the past nine years? Oh, I have, yeah. Do you regret everything you got to do? No. Would you change anything? No, I mean, yeah, I'm sure you made some, but overall, would you, so then you're-

Starting point is 01:13:40 It's always made me wiser. I feel like I'm wiser. You're contradicting yourself by saying that you would rather not know. You know, that's fine. Listen, that's not you're only 29. But like some of that is perspective and maturity. And, you know, like, hopefully, like, I don't know, I hope most 29 year olds think they have more maturing.

Starting point is 01:13:59 I hope I have more maturing to do, you know? And part of becoming more mature is not having that like too afraid to live your life mentality. So, all right? Go live your life, go make some bad decisions, have some fun, you know, you'll be okay. Okay. All right, take care. Thanks so much.

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Starting point is 01:16:59 How's it going? It's going good Nick thank you. My name is Macy I'm 25 and I am struggling setting boundaries with my mom. Say more So as far as I know no one's ever set boundaries with her before and over the past year She has been inserting her opinion in my life and a lot of places where I feel like it is Harming me and when I've tried to say to her, hey, respectfully, like, this is not behavior I want in my life. This is not good for me. Can you please not talk about this situation? She completely disregards what I'm saying, or at least it comes off that way. And I've recognized a pattern of her defending her actions and not taking accountability

Starting point is 01:17:40 when she hurts me or oversteps. And so I'm not sure how to have that conversation and say, mom, I am setting boundaries with you without her going to that defense and actually listening to what I need from her. Mom, I don't know if the second part is possible, but what are some of the boundaries you're trying to set with her? Okay, so to give a little bit of background,

Starting point is 01:17:59 I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year, and this is the first healthy relationship I've ever been in. He is so sweet, so amazing, so loving. He has his downfalls like all of us do. And she's only met him twice and immediate. Well, he has anxiety, I have anxiety. And so he's not always his best self around people

Starting point is 01:18:19 when he's nervous. Hence my parents, the two times he met them. So he doesn't make a great first impression. Sounds like maybe. Yeah. Yeah. If you're not super open to a lot of things, which I don't feel like my mom intends to be, but she likes to act like she's really big on mental health.

Starting point is 01:18:36 But when I say, Oh, I have anxiety, it's why I don't understand you have a great life. So she doesn't tend to get mental health, doesn't have a why. And I'm a therapist, so that's very frustrating. But so basically she judges my boyfriend a lot and then talks really negatively about him to me. And when I try to explain like, hey, this is why this happens, she just creates another reason, doesn't listen,

Starting point is 01:18:59 and then continues to dislike him and hasn't really given him a chance to prove himself to her's he's done for. So setting that's hard. And then anytime I just explain how I feel about situations, she says, you're young, I have more life experience than you and just disregard the next thing that comes out of my mouth. So what's your goal with your mom?

Starting point is 01:19:19 My goal is to get her to be more open-minded to things that she thinks she understands but doesn't and just not be so judgmental of my decisions in my life, my choices, and not inserting her opinion every time she feels the need to and trust my judgment really. Okay. I think that's your problem. What I mean by that is, bear with me here, but you called in and your headline was, I need help setting boundaries with my mom. Then you told a little bit of your story, a little background, your boyfriend, then I asked, what is your goal with your mom?

Starting point is 01:19:57 And your goal was, I basically want my mom to change. I want my mom to see the world a little differently, I want her to be more empathetic, I want her to to change. I want my mom to see the world a little differently. I want her to be more empathetic. I want her to agree with me. I'm paraphrasing what you said. But listen, that's a very different goal than just simply setting a boundary with your mom. And that's why I think you're having such a hard time

Starting point is 01:20:20 setting a boundary with your mom because that's not really your goal. You said you're a therapist. You went to school for therapy, you're yeah right so you know that right? You don't need me telling that but obviously you're emotionally connected to the situation and so you're having a harder time to see it clearly but it's just much harder you know like I'm not saying it's impossible but that's why you're struggling because you're saying it is like oh I just want my mom to respect my boundaries and what you're really saying is I want my mom to kind of like evolve and grow

Starting point is 01:20:49 and, and maybe recognize that, you know, maybe she's older and has more lived experience than me, but I need her to recognize that maybe I know a little bit too, and I've gone to school and I studied mental health and maybe she's not always right. And I would like her to recognize that. And I would like her to give my boyfriend more of a benefit of the doubt. And I'd like, you know what I'm saying?

Starting point is 01:21:11 That's what I'm really hearing from you. Yeah, and that's very true. I have said those exact words. I need her to change in order for this relationship to get fixed. Cause we used to be very, very close. Like I told her more than most people probably think I should. And then I think that's where the disconnect is,

Starting point is 01:21:27 is now I'm completely pulling back because I just don't feel like she supports me. And so I guess maybe how can I get her to not always defend her actions, but take accountability when I say I'm hurt? I don't know if you can get her to do that. You know, that might be her journey, so to speak. I think you need to be okay with not getting

Starting point is 01:21:48 what you want from your mom for a period of time and being okay with that and allowing your mom to change on her own if she is willing, right? And I think that's the disconnect that you're having that I think a lot of people have in the kind of the parent-child relationship. You're 25 years old. You've been an adult for seven years. So seven out of your 25 years, you've been an adult. And of those 18 of those years, your mom was in charge of you.

Starting point is 01:22:18 She was your parent. She was your legal guardian. She was legally allowed to tell you what to do. You know, you kind of had to to do, you know, you had to obey her, you know, and now you're an adult, you're your own woman, you're making life for yourself. It's very challenging for parents to just change on a dime and understand the shift and the dynamic. And I'm also guessing that of those seven years of your adult life, the first couple of them were very much similar to the relationship you had when you

Starting point is 01:22:46 weren't an adult with your mom. And you know, she was the person you went to and told all these things and she was kind of your best friend. And you kind of had the best of both worlds for a period of time, maybe like when you're 18 and 19 and 20. And you're like, I'm an adult now. And now I get to talk. Now me and my mom get to be friends. And that's fun. But then then you met a guy and you fell in love and there was a little bit of conflict there. I don't know, maybe part of the way your mom feels and acts towards him is also just a response

Starting point is 01:23:13 to her losing a little bit of her daughter and that independence that you so much want from your mom, not only independence but respect. You want your mom to see you as the woman you've decided to become and you want her to recognize and acknowledge the work you've put into the person that you are today and you're not getting that from your mom right now. And I think part of what you need to do is just kind of be okay with the fact that life's changing and you and your mom are going through this

Starting point is 01:23:41 kind of shift in your relationship and you're not going to be able to kind of tell her what to do or force her to change in any short period of time and you might just have to let things play out. If you truly feel like you've met the right person, at least right now, it's a relatively new relationship, but you feel really good about it, you feel good about who you are dating. You feel good about your decisions. If you are right, your mom will come around, but right now the relationship is so new and so early and maybe he's a little introverted and a little neurotic and a little anxious so that when he's around large groups of people or new people, he doesn't give off the best first impression. I've been that guy before.

Starting point is 01:24:21 I've been your boyfriend. I have not got given the best first impression to like people's parents that I've dated. And I've always thought to myself, trust me, I'm a great guy. Like I will, I'm respectful. I'm 10 times better than any guy that you know, like what matters right or wrong, I'm as imperfect, but I always cared about being a standup guy, but like I haven't always given off that impression at times, you know, fair or not. What I'm saying is, if you're right, you know, you don't need your mom's approval, you know,

Starting point is 01:24:51 you don't need her permission, she'll come around, you know. She will eventually get to know your boyfriend, if he lasts, if this relationship lasts, she will get more opportunities to see how he makes you feel and how happy you are. He'll get the, she'll get to see, she'll come around until then. You just have to be okay with not getting mom's approval. And I think that's what you're struggling with the most is that you use, you're used to having this relationship with your mom and her being your best friend and really being connected with your mom and your mom, probably,

Starting point is 01:25:23 let me know if I'm wrong, was a driving force and you getting the validation that you wanted and to kind of check in with yourself to make sure that you're making the right decisions. And she was a good barometer for those choices. Now you feel more independent and capable of making those choices on your own. You'd still like to get mom's approval

Starting point is 01:25:42 because it's always nice to have mom's approval, but mom's a little resistant to give that approval because you don't really need her approval anymore and she's trying to fight for her supper when it comes to this relationship. Yeah, that resonates a lot. Absolutely. I guess how, because every time I say to myself, I'm going to have this conversation, whatever it looks like, whether it's mom, this is what I need from you, this is what I'm not going to hear about anymore. Like the amount of times I've said to her, I need you to be open-minded to giving him a second chance. I need you to not be so hyper critical of every move he makes. I need you to have a clean slate. She just shuts down and doesn't do it. So how do I say those things to her without,

Starting point is 01:26:27 I guess I have so much anxiety about doing it because I'm so sick of being shut down and I wanna like reiterate, this is the last time I'm having this conversation with you. Like either you hear me or you don't. And I want us to get back on track, but also I've done everything I can. Why are heels so dug in with this guy?

Starting point is 01:26:44 Like what does she have to give him another chance for? Did he like do something or is it just like she was just rubbed the wrong way? So basically what it was was I don't really know what went wrong the first time other than so I know I listen to your podcast all the time, especially the asynch like anxiety, you've experienced it. I have it when I'm anxious like my boyfriend, we don't eat. Like there's no appetite. My family's a big drinking family, so we were all drinking.

Starting point is 01:27:09 He was anxious, he didn't eat. He got a little too drunk. I don't think that's that big of a deal. We've all been there before, including my parents. Everybody was drunk, so I don't know why that was. Did he do anything when he was drunk or he was just clearly drunk? And your parents felt like it was a little disrespectful

Starting point is 01:27:24 and rude for him to get drunk around him. He threw up in the toilet. That was the catalyst. Oh, well, I mean, I'm a puker when it comes to drinking. Not a crime. So I didn't think so either. So he can't hold his liquor. He didn't mouth off or say anything rude.

Starting point is 01:27:39 You know, he just. No, no. And then she doesn't like that he cusses a lot, but I cuss a lot. She doesn't like that he cusses a lot, but I cuss a lot. She doesn't like that he smokes weed. I also use weed. Like it's not a big deal. So listen.

Starting point is 01:27:54 And my parents are big drinkers anyways. Listen, I think it just comes down to, again, I think you're being a little stubborn here in the sense that like, why do you think you need to repeat yourself with your mom and try to have that conversation for one more time? Like, why even have the conversation? Because she's been my best friend for so long, I feel like I've lost that person and I want that back.

Starting point is 01:28:19 But I also know I can't sacrifice myself and I can't have that relationship with her if I can't talk about the person that I love and that I'm with without getting criticism back. Okay, well, listen, you're gonna, that's kind of my point is this like, I think you need to accept that right now you're not gonna get everything you want in this moment. Because I don't know, I'm not aware

Starting point is 01:28:42 and I don't think I'm in a position to help you say the magic thing. You're obviously smart enough, she's your mom, she's your best friend, you know her as well as anyone, and you don't know what to say to her. And I guess, I don't know if there's anything to say. You know, she has decided for whatever reason, and I'm guessing the reason is just like, she's also going through this transitional period with you.

Starting point is 01:29:10 She's not seeing it clearly. You know, that's the thing right now, you would be better off focusing on empathizing with your mom's point of view. Just so not to agree with mom, but to understand your mom. And I might only say that because then you can either do one or two things. You can give in to your mom, which I don't think you should do. Or you can just accept that mom can't see it right now. She doesn't want to lose her baby, so to speak, and you're only 25. And right now she feels like she's not worried about your biological clock because you're only seven years removed from being an adult. And right now she just decided that you have to date the perfect person.

Starting point is 01:29:44 And honestly, that person probably doesn't even exist right now she just like decided that you have to date the perfect person. And she's down to say that person probably doesn't even exist right now. And your boyfriend has done enough to things that just like rubbed her the wrong way and she's just taking it out on him because at the end of the day. She wants her best friend back, but like that's not right. And or healthy, you know that, but like convincing, you know, explaining that to your mom. I just think is a winless battle. I think you have to show your mom that you're happy,

Starting point is 01:30:09 that you're confident in your decision. In the meantime, you don't need me to say this to you, but like you set boundaries for yourself and you enforce them with other people. And as I've always said, anytime that you have to enforce a boundary with someone else, they will always be annoyed because a boundary is limiting access

Starting point is 01:30:30 that someone used to have to you or they at least assume they would always have it. That's exactly what your mom is having a hard time doing. She assumes that she could tell you what to do, offer you advice that you would definitely take, you know, be the primary decision maker in your life. Again, seven years ago, she didn't even get to ask. She could just tell you what to do and you would have to listen to a certain point, right? And it's just drastically changed and you are fighting for your independence, you know, it happens to be with your mom. It's a pretty normal rite of passage, I think,

Starting point is 01:31:06 in a parent-child relationship, especially a relationship that was so close and so connected, you know, it's hard to see the forest through the trees so much. So I just think you might be better off taking a beat yourself and not trying to like, you're just gonna have to accept yourself that maybe right now,

Starting point is 01:31:25 your and your mom's relationship is in a bit of a transitional period. And as a result of this transitional period, it's not gonna feel like it used to. I am confident it will again someday, but that's just gonna get, your mom's gonna have to slowly come around and accept the new reality of that relationship.

Starting point is 01:31:44 And what you have going for you is that she is your mom, and she loves you unconditionally. And the downside of that is that when people know they're not going to lose someone, it gives them permission to fight even harder and to be that much more stubborn because they're not actually afraid of losing you. So that's what makes it more irritating because there's that much more to find. But eventually, when your mom really knows that you are your own person and that a relationship with you

Starting point is 01:32:14 means having to respect your choices and bite her tongue, because if not, you will enforce a boundary and that boundary is gonna be less of you and less of a relationship with you and less quality time or access to your boyfriend because you feel, you know, and you could say, mom, listen, like, you have, you're entitled to your opinion, but I'm safe and I'm happy. And unless you don't think I'm capable of knowing that, it's none of your business how much he swears or smokes weed. And he doesn't quite honestly need you to approve of him

Starting point is 01:32:53 because I approve of him. And he treats me better than anyone I've ever had before. And I'm not asking for your approval. And part of the reason your mom keeps demanding that you take her approval is because you are still kind of asking for it and you're still seeking it. And the moment you stop seeking your mom's approval is probably the moment she'll stop trying to give it.

Starting point is 01:33:14 Does make a lot of sense. And I guess kind of in a way that doesn't make me feel better. Cause I do want her approval, but yeah, I do know I don't need it. And I don't really need anyone's because I know I'm making the right choices in my life. Is there anything I can say? Because multiple family members do this part. A lot of family members think that their opinion

Starting point is 01:33:35 can be given anywhere and then now that's fact and you better act on that or I'm gonna give you shit for it. Give me an example, what do you mean by that? Same situation or similar situation. My brother told me that he didn't like certain things I was doing as in, I don't know why they're hypercritical of words, but using specific words, like I called my dog stupid or something and he didn't like it. I don't know. But so he'll give his opinion. Like you need to not use this word or you need to not say this to mom or do this. And if I say, okay, I heard you,

Starting point is 01:34:06 but then I don't listen to him, it's, oh, so you don't care what I have to say, and you're going down a bad path, and they just think their opinion needs to be my truth. I think you just need to stop caring. I wish it was that easy. I mean, it is, it is. I mean, I get,

Starting point is 01:34:23 I know it's easier said than done, and listen, I just have a personality that, I've always been very confident in my choices. You know, I've made bad choices, I've made wrong choices, I've had to learn from some of my choices, but in general, I've always felt confident about my choices. You know, I've had to have, again, the humility to learn sometimes, but yeah,

Starting point is 01:34:44 there's something in you, right, that for whatever reason needs the approval from not only mom but other family members. And I've always been someone who is just like, you know, I love validation and I've found different ways to get it, right? But I've always been pretty confident in my choices. I think them through. I've never been that impulsive and I'm good at learning from my mistakes. So like, you know, I've always just been confident in my choices. So at times when I've done things that other people wouldn't have given me that advice, I still owned my choices. I mean, I told this story recently, but one of the few of my friends whose opinions I care about

Starting point is 01:35:26 who knew me and Natalie, and they ended up marrying us, by the way, when I was on the fence about dating someone a lot younger than me, and I was just like, and Natalie was really kind of done with the bullshit, and us just not being a boyfriend and girlfriend. I called them up, and I was like,

Starting point is 01:35:42 I'm really thinking about doing this. And they were like, we love her, we think she's great, but we don't think you should. And I took their advice, I listened to their advice, I was disappointed in their advice because their advice mattered to me. You know, it wasn't the answer I wanted to hear, I thought about it and I, mm,

Starting point is 01:35:55 and then ultimately I didn't take their advice, you know? And then in that moment I didn't take their advice, I just had to be confident in my choice. I didn't know if I was gonna be right or wrong. I made a decision based off the fact that like, listen, if it doesn't work out, it won't work out, but like, I'm gonna try this thing. And I didn't call up my friends,

Starting point is 01:36:12 and that's the difference between you and I right now. I didn't call up my friends and say, hey, listen, I disagree with you, and here's why I'm gonna make this choice, and do you agree with me now? I didn't need their approval. You know what I'm saying? I got their opinion, I asked for it,

Starting point is 01:36:27 they gave me an honest answer, it's not what I wanted, and I went a different way, and I was comfortable with that choice. You, you wanna go back to that person and say, and then convince them to agree with you so that you can feel better about that decision you're making. You get what I'm saying?

Starting point is 01:36:44 Is that sound accurate? Yeah, it's very accurate. You're hitting it all like you normally do with everybody. So, and that's a you problem, right? That's something you need to work on. And that's something you can work on. And that's something you can control because you can't control mom.

Starting point is 01:37:02 And mom's got to work on herself. And the moment you fix that, that's when your mom will come back. She will. But your brother and your family member, and especially your mom, know that you really need their approval. And that's why they're so willing to give it. And that's why it sometimes feels a little manipulative on their part. And honestly, it probably is, but you know, when we know that we can influence someone, we usually try. Yeah. That makes a lot of sense.

Starting point is 01:37:35 Cause I don't seek that much approval from my dad and I get more approval from him probably because of that. There you go. Yeah. Well, that makes sense. So yeah, I think it's not even, you got to own your choices. Setting boundaries. Yeah. Well, that makes sense. So yeah, I think it's not even, you gotta own your choices. Not even setting boundaries. Yeah. It's just not caring as much and being confident in that I know I'm doing what works for me. Yeah. Do you feel good about the man you're dating? I feel incredibly good about him. Great. Why do you need anyone else's approval? I don't. You're right. I don't. It's been hammered in me that I do my whole life and I'm realizing I don't.

Starting point is 01:38:09 Yeah. And when your brother or anyone else says this thing that, you know, just be like, listen, you take care of you. I'll take care of me. I love you. Listen, I respect your opinion, but respecting your opinion doesn't mean I'm always going to take your advice. My friends also didn't get mad at me. People also have to understand is when you ask, people should be flattered when anyone comes to them and says, hey, can I ask your opinion? Because honestly, I'm not interested in most people's opinions because I think most people are stupid.

Starting point is 01:38:40 But just because I ask your opinion doesn't mean I'm going to take your advice. It just means I respect you enough to ask. But also like there's other- Maybe that's what I need to say. Maybe. But it still comes down to you owning your choices and not needing their approval. And whatever you say, I promise you will have less of an impact than your actions. Because right now you saying it will still try to sound like you're convincing them to trust your opinions and trust your decisions for

Starting point is 01:39:09 yourself. Again, that's the thing. The more confident you are in your choices, the less people will bother you. I have always demonstrated a confidence level that, you know, my parents always been like, well, you know, listen, you're, you know, my parents have always thought of me as someone who generally makes sound decisions. They never really tried to change my mind because they're like, yeah, he seems confident, he knows what he's doing,

Starting point is 01:39:30 and you're not making crazy decisions, right? It's not like you brought home this problematic man who's just full of red flags. They're nitpicking because they can. Right. Exactly. And you get rattled every time they pick. And you being rattled is their green light to keep going.

Starting point is 01:39:51 So I guess my last question is I told my mom that I wanted her to come visit in the next week or two to have the conversation we need to have, which I thought was going to be the setting boundaries. But now I realize I just need to not seek their approval and not care and let her come around. So, what do I do about that? Well, if you still wanna be with your mom,

Starting point is 01:40:11 just be like, hey mom, you're welcome to come. When you're here, just know that like you're at my place and like you don't have to approve of him and you don't have to even like it. You have to be respectful, cause you're in my house. I like that, I like that. But maybe also don't even say anything. Maybe let your mom come, see how she acts.

Starting point is 01:40:30 If your mom acts up in a way that you find to be disrespectful to either either you or your boyfriend, I wouldn't create a scene while he's there because that just makes everyone uncomfortable. But after she leaves, you can say, hey, I really did not appreciate blah blah blah blah blah I'm not gonna invite you back anymore until I feel more respected. And what you can say to your mom if you have to say anything at

Starting point is 01:40:56 all is and here's the big difference because right now you're like mom I want to talk to you about how I want you to be around me so I can be it's just mom you're negotiating with her. Don't do that. You're like mom, this is where you set the boundary. You don't get to treat me that way. You know, like I'm an adult person, I'm happy with my choices,

Starting point is 01:41:14 I don't need you to be happy with my choices. I do miss our relationship and I miss my friend, but things have changed. I'm an adult and I no longer need your permission or approval to make decisions for myself. I'm okay with that. And I still want to be able to ask your advice, mom, because I do respect you and more than anyone, you're the person's advice I care about the most.

Starting point is 01:41:37 But I don't always have to take your advice. And when I don't take your advice, you need to be okay with that because I know I am and I'm not, I'm just not gonna hear it and if you keep acting this way around me and my boyfriend the only thing that's gonna happen is we're gonna lose our relationship and we're gonna be less close and that's up to you mom because I hate that we've gotten this far but the choice is yours and that's you setting that boundary and communicating exactly what will happen if your mom doesn't respect that boundary

Starting point is 01:42:08 and then you simply need to follow through. But there's a big difference between that and then pleading with her and saying, please do this or I need you to come around and please like him and please be nice to my boyfriend. You don't need your mom to do any of those things. Yep, you're right. Those were the words that I needed to figure out in here

Starting point is 01:42:27 because that's what I need to do. And once I say it, I have to enforce it. Okay. Well, thank you. I really appreciate it. Was it helpful? It was, it was very helpful. All right.

Starting point is 01:42:37 Well, good luck. Yeah, it's the best news, I think the big takeaway is this, is that the thing that needs to change for you to get what you want is the things that you actually can control. And that comes from inside of you. And the other stuff will all fall in line once you're able to work on that,

Starting point is 01:42:54 needing certain people in your life's approval. Just walk through your choices. Why am I making this decision? What have I, if I consider the pros and the cons, yeah, I could be wrong, but like if I'm wrong, will I still feel good about why I made this decision? You know? Yes, great. Then I don't need anyone else's approval. And you need to be good at asking people's opinions without having to take their opinion. Yep, I absolutely need to do that. And maybe that's what I'll focus on when I restart

Starting point is 01:43:23 my own therapy. There you go. All right. Well, good luck. Take care. Keep us posted how things go with mom. We'd love an update, regardless of how things progress. Thank you. I really appreciate it. All right. Take care. Thank you. Thank you guys so much. Bye-bye.

The Viall Files - E905 Ask Nick - Hope is Not Your Friend

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