The Viall Files - E91 Ask Nick - The Proposal Breakup

Episode Date: February 10, 2020

It’s another episode of Ask Nick where listeners call in to get advice! We talk to a woman who was broken up with because she is “wife material,” a woman who is dating a divorced father of three, a man in his forties who can’t find a date, and someone whose boyfriend is working extra shifts instead of spending time with her. You’re never too old to try something new! Send your sex and dating questions to [e-mail]. THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS: BEST FIENDS: https://download.bestfiends.com ARTICLE: https://www.article.com/viall BUTCHERBOX: http://butcherbox.com/viall CODE: VIALL FIGS: https://www.wearfigs.com CODE: VIALL See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

what is going on everybody happy monday the start of another week here we are or tuesday or wednesday or whenever you're getting to. I hope you're getting to us on a Monday because we just, you just got to keep up with us. Oh yeah, you're going to get behind quick. You're going to get behind and you can't get behind listening to my voice. Wow.

Joined by my wonderful and charming as ever producer, Rochelle. That's so nice. I'm just making it up. No, she's very wonderful, very charming. How are you, Rochelle? That's so nice. I'm just making a note. She's very wonderful, very charming. How are you, Rochelle? I'm good. I just got back from my college friend's wedding.

I was going to ask you about that. How was that? It was good. I tried to make something happen. There weren't any single people there, but there was a caterer that caught my eye. Okay. Yeah.

You know what? You work with what you have. You got to pivot. If you're an artist, you know, you got to work with the materials that it's in front of you. Yeah. So caterer, handsome, describe him. Oh, yeah.

Very. Actually, he was just there. Pretty much there. He had a penis. Yeah, exactly. So I did kind of what our guest today today was talking about where i just was like asking about the wedding cake and then i you know just open end you know yeah open end question non-threatening yeah and uh nothing happened turned out we had very different political views

why did you guys start talking about politics it was a long night you were in texas know your audience rachel i know awesome um how did that we were at the taco truck i ordered a democrat the taco was named the democrat it turned into a whole thing was it going well before that yeah also i have no game so there was no way to close it and i i understand that we are we are in a obviously a hot climate when it comes to politics but for the life of me i do do i don't understand especially when it comes to early in to dating or potentially a hookup situation, why we have to go that deep, people. You wouldn't care what anyone thought?

Listen, we don't talk about politics here. My general thought on politics is I think we all need to be more open-minded. Yeah. We all need to be more open-minded. Yeah. You have two sides of a coin, both think they're absolutely right and they both think the other side is stupid and wrong. And I don't understand.

The truth is we're all dumb and we're all wrong about things and we all have our points of view, a lot of which is, again, there is a time and a place for that. Certainly not at a taco stand where you're all horned up i don't oh man i mean also the what people should do is the goal is to try to learn a little bit from them have them learn a little bit from you and hopefully you both leave satisfied sexually and maybe a little bit enlightened from the other side.

So you think we really could have come together? Should have. Same time, same time, same time. I know, what a shame. It was super fun. It was fun to see all my old friends. I commend you for going for it

and trying to get laid. Even with the caterer, we could have made a great story. Do you get laid a lot at weddings? Well, I just remembered. No. Oh, one time. Just happened to be shared on national television.

I really don't. You don't? Really? That might've been the only time. Seriously? If I'm being, yeah, I don't, I don't, I never always been this way. I don't go to bars or weddings

with the notion of hooking up. Okay. It's nice to be open-minded to it. I don't like forcing it. I am way more comfortable with going home alone or not having hooked up. If I, if I don't immediately go for it, if I'm,

if I'm not drawn to something, if I am great, but yeah, I don't determine whether that was a successful event for me, whether I get action. I still think it's great that you win for it, but you still had fun. I had so much fun.

You had so much fun, right? So much fun, yeah. We applaud you for sharing your dating stories for our audience. One day they'll be aware. Everyone really likes to hear about your dating adventures. I think it makes people feel better. And that's why we're here.

So yeah, we have a great episode. Oh yeah. Some great questions, great callers, really enjoying people sharing their stories. I know everyone's really enjoying listening to people share their stories. And as always guys, thanks so much for listening. We have a great week lined up for you.

We have Lauren Lapkus helping us break down tonight's episode of The Bachelor. She's so funny. I'm so excited. And then, on Wednesday, we have none other than the pilot.

What? We have Pilot Pete. Pilot Pete flies in. It's gonna be a really fun episode. It's gonna be different than all the other Pilot Pete interviews you've heard. I can say that with confidence. We're gonna get to know the real Pilot Pete.

We're gonna get to know really Pete. What makes Pete tick? Why is he making the decisions that he's making? Or not making the decisions. What's his motivation? It's gonna be a lot of fun, so make sure you tune in on Wednesday. Anything else, Rochelleelle before we hop in to ask

nick no but uh you're welcome this is gonna be a great week on the vile files yeah so uh stick with us as always we do appreciate you listening we know we have a lot of choices i feel like i'm a stewardess i know you can fly with anyone glad you picked us uh i'm always in the background but it's just i just got the cheapest flight, man. I'm like, thanks. But yes, we do appreciate you guys listening. Don't forget to send your questions, obviously. Ask Nick at Cast Media. We love to hear from you 10%ers out there.

Tell your guy friends. We're going to help them, too. Anything else for show? No. Let's get to it. Best Fiends. Best Fiends. Best Fiends. Favorite game on our phone.

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Are you guys texting? We're friends. I know you're friends, but. She actually texted me a few minutes ago. What'd she say? I haven't read it yet. I think she invited me to some. I miss her.

She's in love. I know she's in love and people, you know, fall off the face of the planet when they're in love but i know it's a real dick move but hey i'm fine with it i'm fine with it i'm fine because i have my couch everything's fine all right yeah i pulled it up this is the beautiful couch i own the sven charm tan sofa and it is i get compliments every time someone walks in the door it's fantastic article has a ton of different options to decorate your entire home. It's modern.

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To claim, visit article.com slash Nick and the discount will be automatically applied at checkout. That's article.com slash N-I-C-K to get $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more. Question time with Nick. Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going? Good. How are you guys?

I'm Samya and I'm 26. Samya? Great name. Thank you. I don't think I've met people with the name. Pretty unique. How can we help, Samya? I think I have a pretty short story background into this question.

But like I said, I'm 26. I recently moved to Chicago like 16 months ago. I'm an attorney, so I'm pretty busy. But I try to make time to date. time to date. And at this age, I feel like most of the times the best potential boyfriend, so to speak, come from mutual friends or sort of recommendations. And so a friend of mine who's a financial advisor recommended that I go out with this guy who was an accountant. He's 31 from LA. So also I'm from California originally. I'm from the Bay area. So, uh, thought that that would be a connection. So I went out with them and we had a great first date three hours long at the star on a Tuesday night. And, uh, we started hanging out. This was April of 20 last year, 2019 went on a couple more dates. Everything seemed fine. And then I started noticing issues with his communication and sort of just canceling stuff last minute and sort of being forgetful and things of that nature. So I sort of identified that as a potential issue and decided to stop talking to him.

So I did. And then a couple months went by where no one really communicated. And then at the beginning of the fall, about September of last year, he reached back out and was just like, hey, how's everything going? Sort of typical. And then we went out in September, went out in October. And then I was like, oh, well, maybe he's sort of identified why I stopped talking to him and addressed it. Maybe that was too optimistic on my part, but, uh, started hanging out a lot more. December was a fun month. We did a lot of stuff together. I was in LA for New Year's this past year. So hung out with him there. Um, and the last time we hung out in LA, uh, he mentioned kind of pulled me aside and was like, look, really like you. I think you're great. We have really fun dates. I like hanging out with you. Uh, and you're not we have really fun dates i like hanging out with you uh and you're not only

girlfriend material your wife material and so i don't want to kind of ruin that and i'm just not in a place at work and what have you to be you know giving you everything that you quote unquote deserve or need right now sorry he said okay hold on wait what i'm what's that he said your girlfriend and wife material and i, but then he said, but I'm not in a place to give you what you deserve? Like he wants to circle back. Yeah, I'm kind of not in a place to provide that time and effort, kind of. He didn't say those words, but that was what I was understanding.

It's like a proposal breakup. A proposal breakup. Yeah, I guess he tried to phrase it in like, you know, I want to continue hanging out, but like without the pressure of it leaning, you know, going in the direction of like trying to get into a relationship. And he brought this up. It's not like you were trying to define the relationship and then this was kind of his way of navigating out.

He kind of preemptively did this? He preemptively did. Guys love to cover their bases what did you say yeah um it was funny because i actually kind of expected it given like the whole year experience with him i guess and so um i thanked him for being transparent because most people i feel like this day and age will just like stop talking to you or ghost you or whatever. So I appreciated him saying something about it. Uh, and so then I explained to him like, okay, well I can, I kind of explained it in like three buckets. It's like, you know, you're talking to someone, you're trying to pursue them. It's like both ways.

And it's going towards something or both people have an understanding that this isn't going towards something, but they like hanging out with each other. Or the third thing is like, we just stopped talking because what's the point. And so I was, I basically turned it back on him and I was just like, so what should I like, what should prevent me from just going to the third option, which is to just stop talking to you. Cause like, what's the point. Um, and his response was sort of like, well, I don't want you to do that. Like, I really, truly like hanging out with you and, uh, but I don't want you to wait, you know, and, and in your head things that like, oh, we can be friends for like six months or a year and then we can go into that first bucket.

Uh, yeah. If that makes sense. When did this conversation happen? Eh, this was the day, two days after new year's. Yeah. So it's been a couple of weeks. What's been a few weeks. Where are we at now? Oh, the other thing. Right. So the other thing I told him was, okay, well, I think I've done my part in terms of cultivating a friendship in terms of like being the person to plan stuff and, you know, show the effort. Um, and you know show the effort um and so after that conversation i i have a hard time like stopping myself from texting people i like it's a problem that i have and so yeah i mean you're not alone

yeah believe this contact kind of tried to ignore him um and then he reached out maybe i don't know maybe like like January 7th or so. Like, oh, the other thing, sorry, he works in Chicago. He's just from LA, but he goes back and forth constantly. So he reached back out and was just like, hey, like, what are you up to? Let's hang out. And so like we hung out again. And then I kind of felt like I was getting back into what I was doing before.

And like, I just don't want to do that. And so I don't know if there's a way to not do that without completely cutting him off entirely. It's a weird thing. Probably not. Just because we weren't friends to start. Yeah. What do you want out of this? Like if you, would you like him to be your boyfriend?

Would you want him to want to be your boyfriend? Yes. Yes. If I'm being honest with myself. Good. Good being honest with yourself. That's what we're here for. Yeah, I mean, everything else is just kind of a, it's kind of game playing, you know?

Yeah. He's just a, just a guy who, what it sounds like is, and I guess in some ways I feel like maybe I could relate to him. And I, you know, he's 31. You know, sometimes guys, he's just, maybe it's just people. We don't really know what we want.

We don't know what we don't want. We get very unsure of ourselves in terms of, you know committing and it's not even yeah you know i don't doubt that maybe he envisions he wants to commit and settle down someday but there's something that's holding him back and it's not a you thing most likely it's just uh nothing really is i mean i wouldn't spend a lot of energy negotiating with him um because um anytime you're showing anytime you negotiate you're showing a willing to compromise on the things that you want right because at the end of the day it's really simple you you want to date him you don't really want to be his friend certainly you enjoy hanging out with him

and so um it's kind of like this uh well like i mean i enjoy hanging out with you so when you make yourself available i'm going to hang out with you because well i like that you know and so he's covering his bases by you know trying to be up front and saying he's not in this position. I think you just try to simplify it and just say that the other day, I do like you and I have no problem saying that. And I do respect the fact that you have been up front with me that you don't want to commit, but let's be real, that ultimately, and I get it, and I'm not mad, and I'm not even being jealous, but let's be real.

You just want to keep your options open to sleep with other women. And that's, you know what? He's a double A. I get it, you know? And I, but at the same time,

I do like you and, um, I'm not trying to be your friend and I'm also not stupid and I'm a realist and I don't want to be the jealous girl. So, and I feel like if you really simplify like that, usually will, when you call a guy out like that and be super fucking chill about it, that nothing will throw us off more than you not caring that we are sleeping with other women, you know, in a sense. But like, you're just like, I don't, I don't want that, you know?

And then you really show that you have that strength to say no to them is probably your best bet to make him really figure out, is he just a nice girl to hang out with, or am I potentially losing something really special? But right now, while he is doing what he's doing, I mean, yeah, he's being upfront. It's not a crime, but he is almost what he's doing, I mean, yeah, he's being upfront. It's not a crime, but he is, he's almost hurting himself too,

by not being forced to make a decision, you know? Right. You know, and, you know, the back and forth probably has another person. And he also liked being friends with too,

from time to time. And again, like it's just a guy, you know, and he's, he's not a liar, you know, he's, he's just, he, you know, and he's not a liar. You know, he's just,

he hasn't been, he gets in these habits probably and it's probably easy for, you know, if he, especially the fact that he brought this up to you, it shows that he's

comfortable with communicating with these, in these situations. He's probably had this conversation with someone before. And, yeah. in these situations. He's probably had this conversation with someone before. And yeah, so every time you hang out with him is only going to hurt what you want. I mean, that's pretty clear.

It's his human nature. Again, you get an inch, you take a foot. It's going to be very hard for him uh if he is getting what he wants at his convenience to ever have to decide on his own terms that he's going to have to make sacrifices um right so you know quality you know and again i don't whether you're sleeping with him or not, or just going to the movies with him, if you're going to fill the needs that he has on his convenience, there's just no incentive for him to make any sacrifices. And any relationship is, there's a sacrifice that needs to be made. You want someone to want to be, you want the person you're going to be with to want to give up things to be

with you it's kind of the whole point of the that's really the romance of it all um so yeah yeah uh and that's something when we had the conversation uh i didn't bring it up but we had we saw each other the day after that conversation because i was still in la when we got brunch and uh i did tell him during that time that like, okay, if like you want this friendship, fine, that's cool. But like sleeping together is like off the table. Don't do that with friends, you know? So like, and then what happened? No, he wasn't upset about that at all. He understood. And also Nick, you were right about, to the point about him having that conversation prior because that's something i left out as well during the conversation he has

said he told me he was just like i get it most girls when i have this conversation with them they go ahead and just like believe the situation like i can't can't do this you know he said this he said this yeah i'm like okay you've gone you've done this a number of times like why yeah is that and also another thing that kind of comes through my mind which is um did you point that out what's up did you ask him like well how many times have you had this conversation with someone um no i didn't ask that specific question i mean i just guessed it probably a handful i mean i'm not, it wouldn't surprise me. Um, Because that's a concern. That's like a red flag, right? I mean, again, good on him for being,

you know, seemingly very communicative. That's great. But just, again, seems like a totally nice guy, but he's, you know, he's been very honest, but that is a, hey, like, are you just, what's stopping you from ever really committing with any of these women? Because that's the thing. And again, in some ways I can relate. And some things I struggle with, you get in these kind of dating ruts. You get to a point in your life, you know, I don't know what his dating history is. And it's like, you don't really know why you should what what what makes this person special

versus this person special he likes you you're smart good looking and successful he's probably meeting other women are similarly nice smart you know and he's like having a nice time with all of you you know and it's just like he he enjoys your company and and but nothing's you know something he needs to figure out you know um but yes uh so he's admitting to this to be a pattern um so and yeah it's just up to you i you just need to be really realistic with yourselves with yourself that nothing you do, anything you do to give him what he wants, anything you do on his terms is not going to help you get what you want. Right. So when you do something and hang out with him as friends,

even if you're not sleeping together, are still on his terms. Because your terms are to be your boyfriend. Those are your terms. So you need to remind yourself when you do that, because we have a way of kind of re-evaluating, like forgetting what we want and kind of negotiating with ourselves and with the people who set the terms. Be like, well, I mean, I guess, yeah, I mean, I could, fine. You know what? But as long as we don't sleep together, we don't do this, then you feel like you somehow empowered this situation, but you haven't really, because he's going to, of course, he's like, sure, yeah, we'll go to the movies. And then, because ultimately, he probably really enjoys your time. You know, he enjoys your quality time. And then, you know what? We're

not sleeping together, fine. But eventually,'ll have a moment of weakness, and he knows that. He's not doing this manipulatively, and he's not thinking out loud like some villain into himself, but he just knows that, fine, I'm not going to sit there and argue with you, and I'm not going to be a jerk and be like, well, why not? I mean, he knows to say, okay, sure, fine, it's totally fine. We'll go to the movies, let's just be friends.

You know? The sex will come kind of thing we're also like you know i'm getting that from other people so not potentially yes right and so he's like getting he's getting his girlfriend through three different four different people yeah and i think uh another thing that kind of made me think okay he's definitely like we i invited him to like a friend's holiday party and we played Never Have I Ever because that's what you do at parties. And one of the questions asked was like, never have I ever gone more than a month without sex. And I obviously drank because I've gone more than a month, as did most of the women in the room and most of the men. He was actually the only one that didn't drink. He didn't drink?

No. So I was just like, oh oh well hey i didn't ask follow-up questions but i definitely noticed and everyone noticed it kind of looked at him like are you sure and he was just like well a man has needs and blah blah blah so i'm like oh okay so let me do the math here how many times okay how many girlfriends has he had that's what i like this is like in december as well so it's a very extroverted accountant yeah uh yeah the opposite of well i don't want to make generalizations but see accountants often work in female offices the accountant college yeah super yeah the accountant in my first job he got he got pretty much every girl in the whole office. He was one of the only guys. You haven't gone a month.

That's not a long period of time. If you're not in a relationship, yeah, it's not. I haven't been in a relationship in some time and like it goes in spurts. Exactly. There might be times where like, wow, I haven't slept with anyone in four months. Yeah. You know, it's just like I'm not actively trying. Yeah, exactly.

But to have never gone a month. you're 31 that's wild well i mean i don't know when the age he's starting but he was in a three three-year relationship like from that ended in like 2018 or something like that so i mean listen it's it's it's also it's fine i mean even if he hey if he's practicing safe sex like he's's single, he can do what he wants. Like I'm not, I'm not judging him on that. But yes, these are little like, you know, breadcrumbs

and these are helping you be realistic with what you want. And again, someday, I'm sure he'll settle down. But he's not going to do it on his terms. He's going to find someone who really sticks to their guns,

and then he realizes, I don't want to lose this person. It's kind of that simple. Chances are you may not be that girl. You might. You might not. You probably won't. Only because you never know but you should go into it thinking you probably won't be just because the odds are this guy is this guy doesn't know what he wants

i think that's clear so don't beat yourself up uh realizing you might not be the one because he has no idea, you know. But like we said, like you just need to stop doing things on his terms. And yes, I mean, if you want to keep hanging out with him, just know what you're doing. It's on his terms. It's never going to turn into something that you want. Right. You'll constantly struggle with feeling like you're making concessions to the things that you want and that you'll eventually like that will, you won't feel totally very, you won't

feel good about it. And you'll probably have these periods of, which I'm sure you already have, you have fun with them and you kind of get mad at yourself and then you act out almost in a way to him and get frustrated at yourself, et cetera, et cetera. So that's a pattern. That's what's going to continue to happen unless you change something. And again, just be very chill about it. I thought about it.

Listen, I know that you are doing this, and that's totally fine, but I do like you, and I would like to be with you. And I don't want to be your friend. And you have lots of friends, and you have lots of friends and i i have i have lots of friends yeah i want to i want a boyfriend and you don't seem like maybe you're you don't seem like you know what you want and you seem like you need to go figure that out and put it out that's how you turn on him and then you walk away and then even if he's like oh no if if if by some miracle he were to say, no, you're right, I would say, you know what, I think you need to go really think about it. Because right now this seems to be like a reactionary decision.

And he doesn't strike me as a reactionary person. Obviously very intentional in what he says. So I'm sure the response would be like, I respect that and I respect you. Yeah, he totally would. And you should listen to that not let it hurt you because it's get that's just like a canned line he's so used to saying it's almost like chances are he's gonna he he he's the type of guy who might look back and be like i kind of kind of regret that you know because he he um he's probably,

he's been so good at communicating. He's pretty much gotten what he's want when he wants it for the most part that it's almost warped his perception of reality. And now it's made him, it's making it harder for him to figure out what he wants. Right. So.

All right. All right. That was helpful. that was helpful yeah all right well best of luck you're doing just for sure you are wife material actually fun fact what's up you are wife material he's right oh thank you thank you Rochelle that's great um no I was saying fun fact I actually have an interview today for a job in LA. I might be moving back to California. Best of luck. You don't like Chicago? No. No, I mean, besides the cold, it's great. I just, I've always wanted to work for like a company directly.

So I'm interviewing for like an in-house training position. Good luck. I don't want to jinx it, so I won't say who it is. Yeah, good luck. That's priority number one. Thank you. Yeah. Leave the boys.

Leave the boy alone. Yeah, well then, if I move to LA though, I might have more problems. No, don't. Well, he's technically an LA person. Who cares about him? He's just a guy.

Yeah. There's a million more out here that act just like that. No, that's what I'm saying. That's the problem. Yeah. I mean, again, it comes down to knowing what you want and really prioritizing that and not being afraid to say that to yourself and to the guys you're dating.

Act in a relationship how you act in your job because it seems like you really know what you want. Yeah. Yeah. All right. For sure. Best of luck. All right. Take care.

Bye. All right. Thank you so much. Take care, guys. that to a guy to a girl both yeah i mean that your wife material and no that you never said that i i definitely related to this guy a lot. Okay, okay. I can see that. Except the fact that that's just a cheesy line. Yeah. I feel like that's such a condescending thing to say to someone. So I would be... It's very confusing. That's for sure.

I'm aware not to do bullshit things like that. Good, good, good, good. I relate to him in the sense that when I was speaking on... He probably just doesn't know what the fuck he wants anymore yeah um and he's probably i'd be curious literally you know he's probably who knows i wonder if yeah it sounds like he had a lot of relations he was in a committed committed relationship yeah so he's you know probably uh didn't do a lot of dating early on yeah now he's doing he's he's catching up and he's probably has some baggage from that

in that early relationship but he's just kind of figuring things out and he seems like probably a pretty nice guy who's overly communicating but doesn't want to settle down and he just doesn't want to put himself in a situation. He's not a fuck boy. No? No. He's not lying to anyone. I know but

this is what I i say they lay the tracks so they can go so they can do whatever they want to and then go back and be like look i said that way back then so whatever happened is your fault that is well there's some truth to i know but i don't like it but at some point i feel like it's wrong men and women are are both they're dating and they are both adults hopefully and they are both responsible for their own actions i don't know and um maybe why like stop letting guys call all the shots yeah i mean stop stop let you know yeah what if we went into relationships and said this this this yeah you know it's just i don't i understand if you do that you're crazy i

i get that i understand that we are fighting years of of of of how we were like social dynamics and how we were raised i understand that i understand. But like we are trying to change that culture and kind of, you know, you got to start really taking charge of what you want and not apologizing for things that you're not sorry for and all these things. And because, you know, it's, yes. I mean, it's, if you hear something

that sounds like a bullshit line, it's a bullshit line. It's a bullshit line. Don't lay awake at night thinking about it. Well, what if I'm the one you hear something that sounds like a bullshit line, it's a bullshit line. A bullshit line. Don't lay awake at night thinking about it. Well, what if I'm the one he actually means that about? So like in two years, will he be ready then? Yeah. So ButcherBox. ButcherBox.

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How's it going? I'm good. I'm Melissa, and I'm 29 turning 30 in March. Okay, very specific. All right. Yeah, it's coming up. It's a big deal. How can we help?

Almost 30. So I have, I'll just start off. I've been single for like forever, pretty much. So I am a single mom and I have been trying to navigate the dating scene since probably I would say 2014 is when I kind of got into it. End of 2014, 2015. I had my daughter in 2013 and I've had like different swings here and there. But most recently I kind of started talking slash dating, I guess, a recently divorced single dad. And it's been very, very different from what I'm used to.

Because the guys that I real that I've noticed that I used to attract are guys that grew up without dads, like, or who were raised within with single moms and whatnot so I it was easy for me to relate with them in that way but I don't know dating a single dad is a little tough single dad slash divorce I guess how many kids does he have he has three kids three okay yeah Okay. Yeah. Is he older? So one is 10. No, how old is he? Oh, he's 35.

Oh, okay. Yeah. So it's actually right up my alley. I like that. Like I'd prefer to date someone in their mid thirties. But yeah, it's just been so difficult. And I don't, I mean, I guess I don't know if it has, if it stems from me, because I know that I am obviously working on myself, working on loving myself. And I don't know if it has to do with like my little lack of patience and confidence,

or if it's just this whole situation. But to me, he's not doing anything wrong. I think the situationship, I guess you can call it, everything's going pretty well. But I am very, very impatient when it comes to communication. As you all know, texting sucks. Yeah, so I guess I don't know. Do you like him? Yeah, I really do like him. What do you like about him? He's very different from what I'm used to.

He actually has a shit together. The other guys that I used to date or talk to, I don't want to say this, but I probably should. They're kind of scrubby, I guess. I'm not used to dating. I'm not used to dating someone that has their life together, has like a good career, obviously has kids and has been married in the past. So like, to me, it's just like the fact that he's been married before, he knows how this, these things go. And for me, like, I've never really been in a serious committed relationship so i'm just completely lost with how to navigate this whole thing and i don't know if it happened

when you had your kid you you you got pregnant you weren't in a relationship is there is there a father in that scenario yeah yeah so it's just a little complicated, but yes, her father is in the picture, but him and I were never together. It was kind of like a one-time thing. So we, that, so obviously never had a relationship. Okay. So have you ever had a serious relationship? Um, in college I did date someone for like a year and a half. But I'll admit when I hit like the fifth month, I wasn't that interested in him. But I think it was because. Yeah. And I think I was more so just like lonely and I needed the companionship.

And I really regretted like kind of like stringing him along. So I guess that would be the last serious relationship that i've had and you said you were raised you were raised by a single mom oh no no i i know both of my parents have been in the picture but i um the guys that i've dated in the past they were raised by single moms and don't know how or why I tend to, I tend to attract those men. So now this scenario is completely different. So I don't know how to navigate it. What I mean,

so what's the problem? I don't know if it has to do with me being impatient, but I feel like when we're together, everything is like perfect. I feel so secure when we're together um everything is is like perfect i feel so secure when we're together and that time that we spend together i feel so happy i feel like i can be myself and whatnot but then like the moment that we're not together and we're not in communication that's when i start to like panic and freak out and i don't know why I start to feel that way. What are we talking here, timeline? I mean, are you being like crazy where it's just like half a day goes by,

you don't hear from him, you're losing your shit, or like he disappears for two weeks? Because in one scenario it's – What? He does not disappear for two weeks. I would not let that happen. Okay. I would say, I mean. I would say, well, he's getting a lot better with

communication because I've already communicated with him how it would hurt my feelings that he'd take hours and hours to get back to me and text me back. But for obvious reasons why that would happen is because he would be with his kids. And I, for one, obviously should understand that because I have my kid full time. She sees her dad like once a week. But majority of the time, obviously, my daughter is with me. So I don't know. Going back to the lack of patience, I don't know why. So just to recap, we like him.

We don't see any actual red flags as it pertains to him as the person. When you are with him, you have a pretty good time. How long have you been dating him? Since September. So like I think four-ish months. I think you just need to chill out.

You know? And I think, you know, it's one of these situations where you know it's new you haven't had this before it's exciting there's this pressure to make it work um but you're risking you know pushing something pretty good away because you're you're not really um sure how to handle this in a sense. Unless I'm missing something. Even in the email, I was like, I can't really get what's wrong here. Yeah. I mean, you know, to say you need in the moment to chill out, you know.

You know that he is, I mean, he's working. As uh i mean he's working as you said he's got a career he's got kids three he's got three kids he's got an ex-wife uh he's got friends these are there's a lot of things you're the new you know element in here and you've only been around for a few months so he's still vetting you out. And so don't give him a bunch of reasons to think, I can't. I mean, she's nice and she's cool and we have fun. But fuck, man, she's just like, I can't. I just need her to chill, you know?

So, yes, he has a life. And you want to slowly assimilate that to his life as well as much as you want him to slowly assimilate to yours. You can't make up for lost time in the sense that you have been single and you wanted to meet someone and now you found this guy who seems like he has shit together and almost like instead of just being excited and thankful that you so far have met a guy who seems like different in the past, you want to then almost expect more out of him. I mean, in terms of like, also like if you were dating guys who had less responsibility, right? They were just more there. They were just kind of guys that you had to take

care of. You were probably used to being, you know, a little bit more of an authority figure in that relationship. And then they were kind of always around, maybe partly because they had nothing better to do. I don't know. But you are dating someone with a drastically different set of responsibilities than you're used to that don't necessarily all pertain to you. And you find that attractive, actually, right? Yeah. I find it very, like, exhilarating. It's just, it's different.

And I, like, I know in my gut that this is something that I should keep moving forward with. So, but, you know, you got to take the good with the bad. So the good being is the sexy and attractive and all these things, the bad, and it's not really a bad thing, but he has less time to just make it all about you. You know, this is not like in college when you had your one boyfriend, it was like school and your girlfriend. And when you weren't studying and hanging out with your boys,

you were just with your girlfriend. And if you were like young in love, you would just want to spend all your time with your girlfriend. And when you weren't studying and hanging out with your boys, you were just with your girlfriend. And if you were like young in love, you would just want to spend all your time with your girlfriend or boyfriend. This guy, it's different, you know? And it's more mature and he is prioritizing things and you are very new to this equation. So, you know, again, like you have no idea.

His ex-wife might call up and be pissed off about something and he has shit to deal with. And unless you're feeling truly neglected, then I would, you know, learn to not freak yourself out, you know, a few hours. That's not a long time, you know. It sounds like he'll get around to it at an appropriate time and unless you feel like he's truly neglecting you he doesn't have time to just constantly like at 2 30 and be like oh my god thinking about you 3 15 oh my god still thinking about you and it might be bad if he did yeah that might annoy you you know so i think you just need to

take a breath uh just remind yourself so far this is pretty good and let's just keep seeing where it's going but don't create problems that aren't there and don't push them don't push a good thing away you know when we learned about attachment styles with sylvie it kind of reminds me of that anxious attachment style which i have the same thing where you just are afraid it's going to leave you it. So maybe you could do some research into that as well, understanding why you have those thought patterns. Yeah.

And I mean, I'm in therapy too. That's great. So it's been helping. So I know like for sure it has nothing to do with the type of person that he is. Yeah. Um, I don't, I just, I don't know. I just tend to freak out when he forgets my text, but we have communicated on multiple

occasions and I know I need to stop giving him shit for the texting because eventually he's going to be like, oh my God, this girl, like she can't relax. Okay. I'm done. Yeah. But anyways, there's nothing wrong with something kind of bothering you and saying, hey, this kind of bothers me. It's not a big deal, but could you try?

And just to know that they are willing to make an effort. There's nothing wrong with that. Don't ignore the things that bother you. There's a balance. It's like we get one of two callers, someone who doesn't speak up and always makes excuses for their boyfriends who are like, oh, well, it's fine. He's busy.

Or like you, where you're just kind of freaking out about the little things. There is a balance, right? So there's nothing wrong with saying something. And if it sounds like you even said he is making an effort, that's another great sign that you can at least suggest is, hey, it would make me feel great if you could do this. And it seems like he's making somewhat of an effort to, to do that. That's, these are all great things, you know? And so, um, you know, you just gotta be reasonable with your expectations. Um, and, and then that seems to be your biggest challenge. It's like, and it's like, you know,

right? You, you don't seem delusional here like you you are aware that um these nothing is really out of whack you just you got to figure out when when this happens what when you get worked up about this like what can you do to help yourself uh not ruminate and not obsess over this and just find something else to do don't go down a rabbit hole of thoughts of why he's not responding to you. And be comfortable with the idea of he's got shit to do. Yeah, I mean, that's true. I don't know.

I just tend to freak out all the time. I mean, and I know that texting anxiety is an actual thing. I just don't know why I put so much weight on this communication when we're not together. And I know like even in therapy, my therapist is like, you should really focus on the good things that you have when you're actually together. Try not to be so focused on communication when you guys are apart, because when you guys are apart, you should be building your own life.

And obviously he'll be doing that too yeah i mean also like figure out what so you like you're not boyfriend and girlfriend you haven't defined any relationship no no and would you like to do you want what do you want i mean i'm trying to i mean i'm not i don't think i'm ready to be in a serious committed committed relationship for personal. I mean, for reasons because I know I'm not 100% in love with myself. So I feel like I need to love myself before I can enter a fully committed relationship. What does he want, do you think? Has he tried to define the relationship?

No. I know for sure he's not ready. You know for sure. Oh. I have that feeling that he's not ready to jump into a relationship right away due to the fact that this divorce is pretty recent and they were married for a while. What if he shocked you today and called you up and said, can we just be together? Would you really say no? No, I wouldn't say no.

I would just be like really surprised because he... Surprised happy or surprised nervous? I would be happy and surprised at the same time. It would be very out of the ordinary. Here's what my gut tells me. My gut tells me

you would totally love him to say that. You are honest about wanting to work on yourself. I think that's great. There might be some truth to that but it also might be something you say out loud to make yourself feel better about what you're really nervous about is whether he really wants to be with you uh and so you know because there's like again what's when someone is freaking out about something that they even can admit is something they probably shouldn't be freaking out about then that means there's something else that's kind of causing them to to do that oh yeah so um and

then meanwhile you're saying out loud to yourself and everyone else well i don't want to date him because i need to work on myself and i need to love myself and i'm going through therapy so like i don't even need him in my life and i don't't even want him to say this, but you might want him to be your boyfriend a little bit more than you're admitting. And that's fine. That's okay. And it doesn't change the fact. And I'm not trying to dismiss the fact that you are working on yourself and that's great, but there's also nothing wrong with, you know, being a little vulnerable and saying out loud, because at least that might explain your anxiousness and your nerves and why you are acting this way when he's not responding to you is because you like him and you really see a future and you're hoping this works out.

And you're hoping that you guys will start dating sooner than later. And you're getting in this gray area of confusion about the relationship and where it's going and things like that. And you're kind of afraid to admit it to yourself and admit it out loud that you like him. And then if he doesn't like you back, then what's going to happen? These are all like things that people deal with. And you're kind of at that point where I think you like him and you're afraid of losing what you have with him. Yeah, that sounds pretty accurate.

Yeah, I don't know. I mean, yeah, I'm scared to enter a relationship. But I mean, I don't know. I think you're more scared to admit out loud that you really like him. I don't think you're scared to be in a relationship. to admit out loud that you really like him i don't think you're scared to be in a relationship uh but back to our original thing you're only going to push him away by by by doing this by by by you know because if you're going to pretend you're not really willing to date wanting to date him to protect yourself then you're going to act out in this way and it's going to come across as

crazy you know i don't even want to date you but like what the fuck you know that sounds insane right but it sounds pretty sane to say i just i understand like i just here's where i'm at and i'm not trying to force anything on you but i do like you and i i do i i get nervous because i do like you and i understand that we're still new and you have your things going on. But I just want to communicate that with you because I just I need to be vulnerable with you because, you know, otherwise I'm just going to go nuts. And maybe that's why I do what I do. And that's why I say what I say, because I tell you what, like as a guy, sometimes it's nice to hear something that makes sense, you know, as opposed to confusion.

And if he is mature, know, as opposed to confusion. And if he is mature, he can probably relate to that. And that might make him want to communicate with you more because at least that makes sense to him, you know, she likes me. And as long as you're, and listen, sometimes it's very scary to admit to someone that you like them because there's a fear that they won't like you back. And that's possible. You know, I don't know the situation, but if that's the case, you,

you might as well find out now, you know, I don't think that's what's going on here, but if, if, if you were to just admit and be vulnerable with him, if he doesn't give you the answer that you want, then that means you just seem to be a nice,

convenient, you know, that you might be a rebound. I don't think that's what's going on. I'm not trying to plant thoughts in your head, but I'm just saying the only thing you're protecting yourself from not admitting your feelings and being vulnerable is to not find out if you were something you don't want to be anyways. I'll give a shout out to your sister because she inspired me to write in. All right. Yeah. All right. Thank you so much. I love having her on. Okay. Thank you. Thank you so much. All right. Take care. Bye.

How's it going? Good. How are you? Good. What's your name? I'm John. I'm 40. Hi, John. 40. How can we help? Okay. 10% or? Hi, John Forty. How can we help? Thanks, man. 10%er.

Yeah. About five years ago, I got a divorce. I was living in North Carolina at the time. Of course, getting the divorce, you have the sense of freedom right away. So I went out and started dating. Obviously, it was way too early. So anything that seemingly would turn serious, I just backed away from. I then moved back to Wisconsin. I dated a few people early on, but now it's been about three years since I've been out on a date.

Just wondering if at this point, if I'm just too set in my ways or too comfortable being single, or if I'm possibly self-sabotaging here. You know, I mean, being part of the 10 percenters, you know, is there some desperation there or, you know, am I not being aggressive enough? You know, I feel like I learned a lot from my divorce. I'd like a second chance, you know, if possible. I feel like I have a lot to offer. But yet being single, you know,

I liked my life being single as well um so you know i think i'd be happy either way um is that the wrong attitude to have towards that i don't think so how long you've been divorced again did you say five years five years okay and and do you know kids no kids no no kids uh and you're you're you're living in Wisconsin now? Yeah, I am in Appleton, actually. None of that matters. Appleton, Appleton, Wisconsin. Shout out.

Yeah. Well, I mean, what's the dating pool like in Appleton? It's quiet, right? Very quiet. I mean, what are you going to do on a cold January day in Appleton? I mean, that's why when I was in North Carolina, you know, I'm in a bigger city. You know, I mean, there's a million people there. So it was a lot easier, I think, to get a date.

Yeah, I would imagine Appleton would be harder. Yeah. But, you know, people right around this time, people are probably, you know, leaving their first marriages. Get that second wave. Get that second wave, you know. When you say you haven't dated in three years, like you haven't been on a date or you haven't had a girlfriend? Haven't even been on a date. Are you on dating apps? Just one. Okay. And how often do you do you use that you not use that a lot like when you say you haven't been on a date like you have you tried

to go on a date and you're getting like rejected left and right or you haven't really put yourself out there what what's what's going on there it seems like on the dating app, when I contact them, I never get a response back. You know, it's the ones that I think I'm compatible with. Yeah, sure. Or, you know, the ones that are contacting me are, you know, ones I'm not attracted to or whatever. So, you know. The golden problem of dating, you know. Okay.

Okay. Well, maybe. I mean, three years is a long time so it would maybe i think you need to maybe do a couple things of uh increase you know there wouldn't be wrong with just fucking go on a date man you know even if if you're not if you don't think you're super into them at first you don't really know especially via a dating app um you know if you're not if you don't think you're super into them at first you don't really know especially via a dating app um you know if you are getting impatient maybe try a different dating app i don't know mix it up a little bit um what about your friends like uh you know you're at this point in your life or i'm assuming it's it's not like when you were 20 and all your guys all your boys

would go out and you know every weekend you have the same guys and you kind of just all went to the bars like do you have other friends in your life that are in similar situations or you feel like you're just kind of on an island there too yeah i feel it's an island there as well you know i mean when you get to 40 all your friends are you know married have families families. They're doing their own thing as well. Why are you in Appleton? Work? For work, yeah.

That's why I moved down to North Carolina, but I came back to Appleton to be close to my family. Once I got divorced, I felt like an island again in North Carolina, so I came back to Appleton to be close to my family. And that's sweet, but youleton to be close to the family. And that's sweet, but you can't marry or date your family. I only said that because I don't want to suggest something as drastic as leaving

Appleton, but at the same time, you know, like, hey, yes, you moved to your family, and I get that. It's nice to be with your family, and I understand having a support system, especially when going through a divorce but appleton's a lovely place i have been there it's great but for someone you know in their 40 early 40s uh it's not the probably the the best scene for uh for dating you know a lot of people your age are all you know married with

kids whether they're happy or not they're all settled down uh it's you know it's like yeah like you said there's a lot of people your age is just they're just that they're married with kids right bigger cities you have more people who are your age who are in your situation and that like just being realistic that makes it harder right and so you live in an area that just is does not match up with your lifestyle right and your lifestyle is that you're single and looking and you might get lucky but you are drastically limiting your chances by where you live and there's nothing wrong with where you live. It's just like, that's just a very kind of family suburban area, right? And literally, your dating pool is someone who gets divorced and hoping to meet someone in a town that's not, you know, Appleton's not that small, but it's certainly not a ton of people. So you are just going to

be challenged there. So even if it's like driving down to of people. So you are just going to be challenged there. So even if it's like driving down to Milwaukee for the weekends or whatever, like I think you need to start doing things to just, you know, even making new friends, right? Like, you know, I would focus on that in terms of like do you playing recreational sports or activities, eat yourself out there. My guess is

you're probably gotten very comfortable in your routine in your life you go to work you do your thing you come home hang out with your family and you're not really putting yourself in situations to meet people you know and sometimes when we were younger and we'd go out just like our lifestyles did that automatically and i think as you older, it becomes harder and harder to do, especially when you're living in a place that once people are generally your age, they just settle down. So, you know, maybe think about joining some sort of like extracurricular activity, recreational sport, or I don't know what your hobbies are. Being willing to drive down to Milwaukee to try new things out. Maybe it is a church group of some kind.

I don't know, but you need to like, you need to expand your circle. And I would start like just not thinking about specifically dating, you know, because you're right, like you might be able to go on all the dating apps, but you still live in Appleton and it's probably the same people on all the apps. So your dating pool is not going to be that large. So yeah, I would try things that out. Try out things like that. Generally, you just need to mix it up, right? Because you're just probably doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result and we all know that's

the definition of insanity so i mean we all do it i mean we all do it you know i'm not i'm not not not trying to be hard on you so like i would just really try to focus on that uh because it is on this you know i haven't been on a date for three years. Like, man, you know, that's an honest, that's a very honest thing to say. And you just got to get through, you know, really, really challenge yourself on doing new things. Try new things you've never, things you've never tried before. You know, at this point in your life, you probably think it's too late to pick up a new hobby or do something totally drastic. I would challenge you to do that. I don't know what it is that you might have had an interest in doing at 25 that you didn't do, but go do it.

You know, take an improv class, learn how to fly. I don't fucking know. Like literally anything right he's actually really good at this like he's always doing new things and i find that really commendable uh it's a good personality thanks i went i wasn't always good at that but part of it is just like well part of it is living in la and it's kind of like well if i'm here i'm gonna do this shit but i know a lot of people who don't so but true yes i mean thank you rochelle but at the same time i know this because i remember being 25 and 26 right and i would think oh it'd be cool to try to do this and i had this mentality

it's this well you know i'm not in college anymore so it's too late you know too late to like figure it out i have to just do what i decided to do uh and we all do that especially if you're like from the midwest right or you're from like you know very traditional because we you grow up having this mentality of like well i'm gonna go to high school i'm gonna go to college i'm gonna get married and that's my life and then we stop like reinventing ourselves and you're still a young guy um and when you are 50 you're gonna look back and be like wow 40s felt really young so i would like make a list of all the things that you want to try. And you don't have to, it's not like you have to be super passionate about it. You know, you don't have to be like,

well, I've never, I never really thought about doing this. So I shouldn't do it. I don't know. If you have a remote interest, just fucking take it. What's a couple hundred bucks to sign up for a class or whatever, you know, the alternative of like going down to Chicago sign up for a class or whatever you know the alternative of like going down to chicago or milwaukee for a weekend like you're just like watching netflix on a friday night anyways staying home you know like or like going to your nieces like baptism or whatever the fuck you know um like you know what i'm saying so like mix it up you're because right now you're just doing things and you're doing the minimum to change your life and you want some change.

And so like, you know, because you're thinking at a macro level, the change you want is to meet someone new and date and have it all be fine. But you might have to like change a lot of things to get that small thing. And my guess is if you do that, it will be all things that you will make your life more fun and enjoyable and exciting. And don't be afraid to

consider moving, even if you are away from your family. Start a new adventure. You're still young enough to start over. You really are. Even if it's the same job, you don't have to change careers. Could you work at this job other i don't know what you do but my guess is you could probably stay in the same field and work somewhere else yeah absolutely i mean in fact they're talking about in a few years you know because things are drying up here that i would have to move down to say milwaukee or chicago to keep up in the same do that now like now. Like, do that now. Yeah. I mean, shit, especially if it's Milwaukee or Chicago.

You can drive up to Appleton whenever. Yeah. I don't know how many baptism first communions your family's having that, like, you couldn't. Yeah. Chicago's, that's what, a three-hour drive from Appleton? Uh-huh. It's not that far. Yeah.

So, yes, I would challenge you. It's going to be easier than you thought. You won't regret doing it. And then when you get to these other places, and if before you move, be very proactive about joining new groups and trying new things. And when you start expanding your circle, that will drastically increase your chances of meeting someone. Because Apple 10 and Tinder is probably, as we have come to find out that's your your baton zero right now and it's not you like it's not you apples on the tree yeah um i mean there's just i would say the same thing

to a single woman in apple 10 there's just there's a lot of options. So if you're not super into this one person, you don't go on a date. People in New York and LA where the huge cities are feeling like they're not connecting. Chicago is teeming with beautiful women though. Yeah. Do you agree? Even I'm sure Appleton does, but there's not, you know, there's just less of them. Right. And so you have to get luckier to run into the to your person. So you need to go out of your way to expand your circle and you don't want to do. And you probably certainly have gotten comfortable and you have gotten set in your ways, no doubt. We all have, especially if you've been single for a few years, you've been able to do what you want when you want to do it.

And that becomes nice. And we become less and less, it becomes less and less easier for us to, to you know make sacrifices or do things we don't want to do so you really got to challenge yourself to to try new things uh and get out of your own comfort zone if that makes sense yeah i would really i really challenge you to do that i think the fact that you called in means yeah that's. Yeah. Yeah. Way out of my comfort zone. Yeah. Yeah. No,

that's great. You know, like it, those little things and then, you know, not that like it's because of us, but my guess is you'll probably the rest of the day, I'd be like,

feel better about like even having a conversation about it. Uh, with someone new, you know, meeting new, you're just meeting new people. Like family's great, but fuck man,

they're like, they live in their own lives. And like, I couldn't imagine if i just moved back to waukesha uh and just said you know when i go home it's just like it's nice to see my hometown friends and they're married with kids and i got my family but like there's just you know they would be a it would be tougher for if i just kind of had that circle it i would really have to get lucky it would have to be like hey dude uh becky got divorced dude hop on that shit man like she becky huh whatever i don't know like i'm just it literally could would be to that point you got a two month window there's a couple other guys i'm pretty excited about her getting divorced too so like hop on that shit man you know like that's not reasonable

like you know so you need to really get out there and try new things and when you try new things people always have these unrealistic expectations of loving all the new things they're trying and then if they don't love it right away they're like well see i'm glad i didn't want to try this new thing it's gonna take some time you know enjoy the journey so to speak sure but don't don't be afraid to reinvent yourself stop judging yourself about you know we enjoy the journey, so to speak. Sure. But don't be afraid to reinvent yourself. Stop judging yourself about, you know, we do this about like, you got divorced, you didn't expect to get divorced, and now you're older than you thought you would be,

and you are more unsettled than you thought you would be at this age. But that's all insignificant. It doesn't really matter now. And now you just need to kind of go do it and take advantage of your freedom and take advantage of the fact that you are don't compare yourself to being 30 compare yourself to being 50 and also you're feeling young it's all about perspective um you know start you know so there you go just expand think about growing sure so in a way it is a form of self-sabotage huh uh probably but i don't think it's more i think it's just comfort you know um yeah i don't know if it's self-sabotage in the sense of

you know you like you said like there's nothing wrong with saying well hey the people i'm matching with i'm not particularly interested in. So you're not settling. I don't know if that not settling isn't necessarily self-sabotage. I don't know enough to, I think more, again, more realistically is your options are limited and you've gotten set in your ways and you've gotten comfortable and you seem relatively fine with that. Like you're not desperate or panicking or anything like that. Yeah, maybe you needed that time even to just relax a little so self i mean if you're self-sabotage if you're self-sabotaging then uh you haven't

then you haven't told us what that is but not going on a date with someone you don't seem that you're that into isn't self-sabotage yeah you might you might again you might be a little picky you might need to loosen up there but that's not self-sabotage. And I definitely don't want to settle what you talked about. I think that's what happened the first time. I know you've talked about this on the show before. You're living in a small town. You meet somebody, and you're just at that age.

You're at your early 30s. So you know what? Hey, the next step is getting married. Yeah. Mike, again, what I think is i'm almost certain that you are very set in your ways and very comfortable and that's just based off of the life you've lived and in every aspect of your life so if i were you i would really focus on doing things you don't want to do and challenge yourself to do things that make you feel uncomfortable and really start changing your routine drastically and see how that feels because my guess is that's that's

your biggest problem is you're just doing the same thing over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and you're in your pool is limited yeah okay thanks for calling in all right thanks for calling in appreciate it 10 percenters keep us updated i'd love to know but uh i think about moving sorry okay yeah great it's uh it's not the best place for a 40 year old single guy but you know you could be you could get lucky but just consider the options is all i'm saying look at all your options so maybe the big change at work is really a blessing oh yeah yes oh yeah what does it get you know yeah all you are right all all you are right now is kind of comfortable you know a single 40 year old guy in chicago everyone would be like yeah so you're a single four-year-old white guy in appleton with a probably a pretty good job making decent money. Like, that's a totally comfortable, normal life.

Normal. Totally fine. Yeah. You're all good. You know? Mix it up. Take some risks. Sure.

All right? Okay. All right? Thanks. Thanks for calling in. All right. All right. Thanks, guys.

Yep. How's it going? Good. I'm Emily. I'm 26. Hi, Emily. 26. How can we help?

So, recently, I got back together with my ex-boyfriend. Uh'm Emily. I'm 26. Hi, Emily, 26. How can we help? So recently I got back together with my ex-boyfriend. Uh-oh. And he was previously in med school, and he was only there for about two months, and he had to leave for medical reasons. But in those two months, he accumulated about $15,000 in debt, and then plus all his medical bills. So he's now going back to med school or hopefully going back. And because he made that decision, he wants to pay off the existing debt, which I understand.

So he recently got a second job. So he's now working like 70 to 80 hours a week. Health. That sucks. Yeah. it's a lot. So he, um, he's basically like, I see him for maybe we have like a day together, half a day together, or like he'll come over, I'll take him out for work and like kind of fall asleep or like eat a late dinner. Um, and so I totally understand I have student loans also. And I understand that he wants to get this settled before he then takes out more loans for med school.

But it's starting to affect me emotionally. And I just feel like I'm starting to resent him a little bit. Logically, I again, like I totally get it. But it also sucks to have money prioritized over the relationship. And I know that it's hard on him as well. But part of me also feels like this is the second time we're trying this. And it feels like maybe it would be nice to prioritize a little bit more time together. So I was just wondering if you have advice for me to be patient and how to not resent him. I think I'm struggling because I understand that being debt-free could and may likely outlive a relationship and it might be more important. So how do I just be patient in the process and yeah, not resent him. Why did you break up in the first place?

We both got into the relationship kind of after hard times. So after all his middle issues and I had left a long-term relationship and moved back to Massachusetts. And so it was just a whirlwind romance. We didn't really know each other. It was like a lot of fun, but no foundation. So we broke up and remained friends, kind of built a friendship and then started dating again. So it actually feels like a way healthier relationship now. But that's also frustrating to me because I feel like we're in a good place and would continue to grow stronger if we could see each other a little bit more. Okay. um okay um i think it's just kind of one of those things of um i mean you seem like level-headed

and you're like well thought out here and you're trying to understand and empathize with this point of view um and it's just kind of i think about checking in uh with the relationship all the time. You know, I don't know where you guys are at in terms of like discussing the future and your commitment level to each other. And so, you know, there's nothing wrong with feeling like you're not being, your needs are emotionally not being met, you know? Yeah. And if that's the case, I don't think there's, I don't want to try to hide that. I wouldn't, you know, this it's, everyone has kind of that

breaking point. And like you said, everything you're saying about him makes sense. You know, it's good that he's support, you're supporting his dreams of being a doctor or going to med school, or I don't know what kind of doctor. And certainly these health things that you, man, that sucks, you know, and he's paying that off. And it's, yeah, I don't know. I mean, it's just one of those things. I'm reluctant to say like, it's like, I don't think I don't know you at all. But I feel like a little the few seconds we've talked you I don't need to be the one. I don't need to remind you to be level headed and patient like you're seem to be aware of like don't need to remind you to be level-headed and patient like you seem to be aware of like i need to try to be more patient well i will say like it's not going

to get any better just because my sister's you know in residency right now like she is there she's had zero time and i felt similar resentment of like i'm not a priority i never get to see you and i get angry too but I'm just telling you it's not going to get any better once he starts med school. And I think that's kind of why, oh, is that? How old is he? He's 28. So I think I just like am trying to find that balance

before that comes, because I do have a lot of friends actually in med school and kind of never see them. And I know it's possible to like maintain a relationship through it, but I think it takes like a lot of intentionality. And I'm just worried that I like keep being like, Oh yeah, I understand. And that's okay. And like pick up that shift. I get it. And then also being like, is this going to be sustainable this way? Um, and I, yeah,

I just don't also want him, he's been very like, Oh, come to me. If this is too much for you. Um, but I also don't, you know, if we were to break up and he goes to med school with debt and then it's taking out more debt because I asked him to not work as much that also I'm worried that that would create resentment in, in him. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, don't do that.

Yeah. I mean, listen, it's, I don't know. You're all kind of figuring each other's lives. I mean, you're also maybe probably overthinking a little bit, but it's tough not to be able to see people, but it's one of those things where, is it, is this, do you feel like as busy as he is,

the little bit of free time he has, is he prioritizing you? Yeah, 100%. Okay. So that's a, that's a good sign. And then.

Yeah. I think that I am not worried about like where his feelings are at in any way. I'm just worried about, cause I think I at in any way. I'm just worried about, cause I think I've, I've been in the last longterm relationship I was in. I totally wound up resenting my boyfriend. I moved cities for him.

And I think that I like am aware of how that process happens without you even realizing like subconsciously build resentment towards someone. I just don't know if there's, yeah, I don't know if it's just something like I'm already aware of. So maybe that's good. I'm just trying to avoid it. How often are you not seeing him? I'm just curious. Do you guys live together? We don't live together. No. So I see him about once a week. We like get to have a date or like hang out while it's still light out. And then otherwise it's like I'm picking him up at midnight and we're literally coming,

like going to someone's apartment and eating and then going to bed. And then he wakes up, he starts work. We both start work at 7am. So yeah. And what's your friend situation? My friend situation are my friend situation i i feel yeah i feel like i have a good social life um but it's the kind of thing also when you're in a relationship and you're like doing something fun i'm having fun but i'm also like oh i wish he was here doing this with me kind of thing yeah um and how much school does he have left?

so he because he actually withdrew from med school he wasn't sure if he was going to be able to do it because of health stuff so he'll just be starting so and I feel more comfortable actually with med school stuff because I have so many friends in it it feels like more of like that is

he has to do that this is I think more frustrating for me because it's like more of like that is he has to do that this is i think more frustrating for me because it's like he'll have two shifts off a week maybe like or he's not getting scheduled as much and then he'll like pick up a shift and he'll be like i know you like thank you so much for understanding like it's so great that you're so understanding i'm like oh this is because i keep saying i'm understanding you shouldn't pick up that extra shift i don't think right yeah i don't know i mean one shift to spend with her that's what i think i mean she has every right to want to spend more time with them i mean he he's i don't know his health situation or in debt i mean he he sounds

like you know some people are very more cavalier about debt and they'll get to it. Other people, they can't. It feels like this constant weighted burden. Our Canadian listeners are understanding this conversation, by the way. There's a thing called medical debt that you get into in the United States. Debt in general. I mean, whatever the debt is. But you're right. I mean, the people like him, he has this debt because of his health.

He probably wouldn't have gotten himself in this debt otherwise. Because other people will do it by bad spending habits. They're also the same people who are kind of more cavalier about it. It's like, whatever. I don't know. I owe someone money. I'm not really sure. You know, there's not a black and white answer here uh the reason why i asked is like

there's just a couple different ways of looking at it right for all the people in their 30s and early 40s who call in who tell a story of i've been single for x number of years um you know it's kind of all relative you you know? And so what I'm saying is I bring that up because they might say, well, you know, if you really love them and my man, I would love to have someone I love or loves me back. Even if I got to see him a few times a week, right? There's that one way of looking at it and being thankful that you are in this relationship with this loving guy. And the other, on the flip side of this coin, like certainly if you are in a relationship, it's important that your needs are being met. It's important that you are in this relationship with this loving guy. On the flip side of this coin, certainly if you are in a relationship,

it's important that your needs are being met. It's important that you feel like you're getting out of it what you want. It's just finding that balance. What is, again, in looking at things like, how secure in the relationship do you feel like you are? Is there this underlying issue of worrying of like, I want to put up with worrying of like i want to

like put up with all this and i'm going to be patient and patient and patient but then someday he's going to leave me and i'll feel like i wasted all these oh yeah because that's what he did to her before did it right very unexpectedly and kind of immediately after he came to me and was like you know that wasn't the right way to handle things. So when I asked you why you broke up before you weren't totally honest with me. What was that? So when I asked you why you guys broke up before you weren't totally honest with me,

because at first, well, what you said to me, it was like, Oh, well, it just happened so fast. So we kind of mutually decided to like,

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Then he came to me right afterwards and was like, eh, I don't know.

We were, but then I was like, well, the way that that happened, we need time. I think because he came to me right afterwards and was like, eh, I don't know. But then I was like, well, the way that that happened, we need time. I think because it was a whirlwind, it was like we had no foundation. That was very easy. Sure, but the truth is, is you started dating. You liked him.

He abruptly broke up with you unexpectedly. You didn't want that to happen. And then he was willing to be friends, and you got back together. Because that's the real version. Because the story you told me and probably yourself is very different. And that changes the story, so to speak. It's safe to say that you have that very normal fear of that happening again.

Right? Yeah. And now you're... I think I feel more stable. But I don't feel like I have a lot of anxiety about that actually but I do feel like um like I I feel good in it but I do feel like it will be easier to drift away from each other because I think that like yeah just not seeing each other I think I need to feel stable I need to be with him like when i'm seeing him i'm on a regular basis i feel great um so yeah you're just gonna have to figure out what you're okay with you know because you can't yeah you'll never you're you don't know what the

future holds so to speak right it doesn't matter if you spend one day a week with them or seven days a week with them you could still break up it doesn't matter if he's in medical school like you never know so you just have to decide if you're happy you know and if you are really uh not happy with the idea of the relationship and happy with the idea of having him but actually happy and are you okay with you know because it might be that's the thing it's like actually he treats me great i really love him he loves me and i wish i could see him more but i do have him in my life and he does make me feel good and he does prioritize me when he can and you know then don't throw a good thing away but if you do feel like you're that's not the truth where you feel like you're

the one constantly compromising and you're being and you feel you feel confused about where you are you're just getting impatient and you feel like you're constantly settling and you're just you're not really happy you're just like you like having him around you like that he is your boyfriend but you're not actually happy and that's another and you got to decide which one of that which one of that is does that Yeah. Yeah. I think I feel like very happy and like really happy with how he is prioritizing his free time. I feel cared for. I don't feel like I'm anywhere near like wanting to end the relationship, nothing like that. I just am, I think, have anxiety about getting there. So I'm like, oh, I can do this now.

I mean, it could just be perspective, right? Because to some people, and everyone's different, some people are like, wow, it's like a perfect world, right? I have the security of a boyfriend, the regular sex, knowing someone who loves me, and I have all this other free time to do, hang out with my girlfriends and my friends and my job, and you are young still. So all these things that you should be able to do

with the security of having a boyfriend, who, by the way, is going to medical school and hopefully makes it big. I'm married to the doctor someday. So it's all perspective. You got to figure out whether you're happy and it's all about sacrifice. What you're getting is better than what you're not getting and just going from there. Yeah, definitely. Okay, that's helpful.

Yeah. How helpful was that? I don't know. Sounds like he's a really resilient person who's willing to get knocked down and get the freak back up again. Yeah, dating a hard, he sounds responsible and hardworking.

Yeah, that's, you can't take that for granted. I mean, the second job, again, I think it's just for you, important to check in with yourself. Yeah. Am I happy? Am am i is he doing everything he can to make me feel happy within reason of all the other things that we want as a couple so and it seems like yeah it seems like this seems like right now the answer is yes yeah yeah okay well thank you so much all right take care bye well just great callers great episode yeah uh thanks for the 10 percenter yeah i was so happy when i got that email i was like yes

it's so nice to hear too you know these it's always like these guys you just want to hug he was so sweet i agree and he looked really happy to be talking to you and yeah it's always like these guys you just want to hug he was so sweet i agree and he looked really happy to be talking to you and yeah it's not hard to kind of um you know it's at a tough part in your life you know when you're in your late 30s early 40s but you know that same guy might feel the same way as some of the women who are 49 30 calling in and it's always it's always different. Kind of the same way as me, to be honest. You just got to get out of your comfort zone. That's so hard when we get older to do that and mix it up.

But sometimes you really just have to reset. Yeah. Because Becky is not getting divorced, man. What else? Anything before we go? No, I just... Everyone was just like calling in. I like these calls

because they're very relatable, you know, almost everyday stuff that a lot of people are dealing with. Not crazy stories, just like, you know. They really are.

Yeah. Very, very relatable. Don't forget sending your questions. Again, you're 10%ers out there at asknickatcastmedia.com. Yeah. Got a lot of great merch. Got a lot of great merch. This new blue phone case on board.

Proceed with caution. Show the camera. Just let people know that I'm not really sure again if i like you that's like the first callers guy i feel like the women listening it would really throw a lot of these guys you're dating yeah what do you what's up with that phone case i'll be honest sir i don't know how i feel about you you know even though you're like oh Oh, just, he just hope you just hope he likes you. Just throw them off. Really? Really?

Throw them for a loop. Uh, as always guys, really appreciate you, uh, you listening and, uh, we will see you tomorrow.

Yeah.