The Viall Files - E920 Ask Nick - Husband’s Secret Instagram

Episode Date: April 21, 2025

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition!  Our first caller is wondering why her husband freaked out when she opened his instagram. Our second caller had an affair when she was married and isn’t sure if she deserves to pay for it in her new relationship. And, our third caller is debating getting back with her ex after she found out he got his one night stand pregnant.  “You don’t want him. You want a man that will treat you the way you deserve to be treated." Listen to Humble Brag with Cynthia Bailey and Crystal Kung Minkoff every Monday starting October 21st! Available wherever you get your podcasts and YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@humblebragpod  https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/humble-brag-with-crystal-and-cynthia/id1774286896 https://open.spotify.com/show/4NWA8LBk15l2u5tNQqDcOO?si=c03a23d537f94735   Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice, send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on this podcast please email: [e-mail] or go to: https://advertising.libsyn.com/theviallfiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Article Furniture - Article is offering our listeners $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more. To claim, visit https://article.com/viall and the discount will be automatically applied at checkout BetterHelp - Your well-being is worth it. Visit https://betterhelp.com/viall today to get 10% off your first month. Quince - For your next trip, treat yourself to the luxe upgrades you deserve from Quince. Go to https://quince.com/viall for 365 day returns, plus free shipping on your order. Caraway - Spring into action with the healthy swap to Caraway. Our favorite cookware set will save you $150 versus buying the items individually. Plus, if you visit https://carawayhome.com/viall10 you can take an additional 10% off your next purchase. Cymbiotika - Go to https://cymbiotika.com/viall for 20% off + Free Shipping. Skylight Frame - Right now, Skylight is offering our listeners $30 off their 15 inch Calendars by going to https://skylightcal.com/viall    Timestamps: (00:00) - Intro (01:43) - Caller One (33:25) - Caller Two (01:13:23) - Caller Three Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @justinkaphillips @dereklanerussell

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your first purchase of $100 or more. How's it going? Hi, my name is Lauren. I'm 29 and I'm trying to figure out why my husband freaked out when I opened his Instagram. Oh, tell me more. So I'm nosy to be honest with you. So like if my husband freaked out when I opened his Instagram. Oh, tell me more. So I'm nosy, to be honest with you. So like if my husband's phone goes off, I'll just like look, I'm like, oh, what's your dad say? Like just normal, like whatever, I'm just nosy. And he was doing dishes

and I was just kind of sitting with him, we were chatting and an Instagram notification popped up and I said, oh, you've got a notification on your Instagram and I opened it and he immediately kind of started yelling at me and telling me to close out of it immediately. I was like, wait, what? Why? I'm not on Instagram anymore really.

I don't use it very often. I don't know. His explanation was basically like if he looks at reels or stories or whatever, if you open it and then close it and then open it again, you miss stuff, I guess. I don't know. That was kind of the explanation I was given. And I was pissed and I acted that way. Did you actually find anything that upset you? I didn't look at it. I immediately closed it because he started yelling at me. Okay. Well, like he was just like, why are you going through my phone? Or? Yeah, he did. Well,

he basically was just like, and that he said he doesn't care. And like he then after as we were like getting into an argument, he's like through his phone. I mean, he's like, go through it. I don't care. I have nothing to hide. So that's kind of where I like ended up letting it go because I was like, all right. But I didn't go through it because I also didn't want to like act like I was accusing him of something. It was just it was just a really weird. It was weird. So it just gave you a weird vibe. Yeah. Yeah, it was shady.

It just felt really shady. How long ago did this happen? Maybe like three weeks ago-ish, maybe four. And what's happened since then? Like has the vibes changed? It's why it's still, is it still like eating away at you? So we haven't talked about it. To be honest, it's one of those things where like,

and I listen to your podcast all the time and you always say like, do you wanna be right or do you wanna be happy? So it's one of those things where like, and I listen to your podcast all the time and you always say, do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? So it's one of those things where I was just like, eh, this was weird. I don't want to question it anymore. And I'd written in to you that night it happened and I didn't honestly think anything of it. I kind of like moved on with my life. And then I got the response to come on and I was like, and I told my husband about it.

I didn't even tell him I'd written in to you. And he immediately started spiraling. He's like, what are you going to say? What is he going to say? And I was like, and he's like, I didn't even know it bothered you like still. And I was like, well, yeah, I was like, I don't think about it, but it was shady. And like I got like, you gave me your explanation, but it was shady. And like, I still feel like it's shady.

Like, and he's like, well, what can I do to make you like not feel that way? And I was like, nothing really, because you acted that way. You can't undo how you acted was kind of my. Yeah, and also now he has the benefit of, if he were hiding something on Instagram, now he has the benefit of maybe covering his tracks, so to speak, like deleting search histories and things like that, changing his algorithm,

maybe, I don't know, messages. And by the way, the saying, do you wanna be right or do you wanna be happy is not meant to ignore your body or ignore your instincts, just because that doesn't mean being avoidant for the purposes of avoiding finding out various truths. It's more about like the need to feel right and be right and win an argument over the sake of like,

just to be right. So just to be clear there. That being said, I mean, like, you know, he is your husband. It doesn't sound like you have any plans on leaving him. It sounds like your goal here is to work through this feeling that he gave you. So you do have to figure this out with your husband,

you know, and work through it with him. At that point, you probably, you should have just gone through it. I mean. hindsight's definitely 20-20. A part of me is like I feel like I should have just done it and like then if I was wrong just be sorry and kind of move on but I just I don't know. And his reaction was very much like what are you

doing? Explain to me why his reaction in your mind was more than him just getting upset that his wife was like going through his phone because you know that in itself, any partner has a right to be like, why are you snooping into my shit, you know? But like, he didn't ask it like that, I'm guessing, right? He didn't say like, why are you doing that? Like almost like, almost confused, like why,

like what, like why, huh? And I think that had that been the reaction, I'd probably have been like, I don't know, like I the reaction I probably been like, I don't know like i'm just nosy and weird I don't know Um, but I think that's what triggered my reaction too was because he got so heated so quickly So I was like, oh my god, are you like hiding something? Like why are you like this seems so small to me? Like it just doesn't seem like that big of a deal so that's where I like my thing is like

If it if it was just more of like, oh, you're just being nosy, that's weird why you're being so nosy, why would the reaction be so intense and so like intent on me shutting it down, like right then and there? So how are you gonna work through this with your husband? That's the thing, I don't know,

cause I think I just kind of, I'm very good at compartmentalizing. That's a skill that I have. And so it's one of those things where I was like, okay, I don't know what And I think I just kind of, I'm very good at compartmentalizing. That's a skill that I have. And so it's one of those things where I was like, okay, I don't know what to do with this. So I'm just going to not think about it ever again. And just kind of like, not think about it or focus on it. So then when this has come back up, like, and we had that conversation, I was kind of like, I just, it's hot. Like, I don't know. Cause it's like, he can't undo the reaction. But I also don't want wanna like, I'm like,

I gotta go through your phone. Like give me your phone, I'm gonna go through it. Like I don't wanna be like that kind of person either. You could just stick to your guns and say, hey listen, like I know you. I know how you react to things. That was a reaction of someone who like was startled or like kind of felt like they got caught doing something.

My gut just tells me, I'm not saying you were cheating. I don't, you know, God forbid. But whatever the reason, there was a reason you reacted that way. And the fact that you can't give me an answer that makes sense bothers me. So I don't know what to do. And to say like, you can just, I don't know,

you could say, you could just tell me. You know, at some point, like, that's the thing. It's just like, you have kinda nothing on him other than this reaction, this gut feeling. And he's gonna bank on the fact that like, you'll get over it or there's nothing he can do about it. And let's say that like all he was doing was like looking up some hotties, searching some hotties, you know?

Maybe he came across like some OnlyFans model and like looked up her Instagram or something and was worried that like you would look at a search history and see that he searched big titty honey, I don't know, whatever. Let's assume that's what he did and that's what he's hiding. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

Do you think he would admit to that? I don't know, because I would hope that he would know something that really wouldn't be that big of a deal to me. Like, okay, whatever, weirdo. I'd probably tease him about it, I'd roast him a little bit about it, and that wouldn't be a big deal to me. Like I'd be like, okay, whatever weirdo. Like I'd probably tease him about it. Like I'd roast him a little bit about it. And like that wouldn't be a big deal to me. And does he know that?

You know what I'm saying? Like does- So I would hope that he knows that. We've been together for like ever. Like we've been, we were high school sweethearts. We've been married for four years. We've been together for like 12. So we've been together a long time.

We essentially grew up together. So I guess I would hope that he would know that that like, it would be weird. And I'm like, you're weird. And then like, that would be it. But it wouldn't necessarily bother me. But is it possible that he thinks that would bother me? I guess that's like a possibility. I only ask because it's like, that would bother a lot of other women, right? Like, yeah, but all women are different, right? Like you're just like, you know, I've known this guy forever. I don't know.

Like, yeah, he likes boobs, whatever. So if he looked up at girls boobs, I'm not gonna freak out. Other women would feel very differently. You know what I'm saying? But like, do you think your husband, and I only ask because it's like, well, if it's not, you know, if he knows you well enough and knows that like,

that's not big of a deal, like why would he freak out? You know, like, is there, not to like, I'm not trying to put dark thoughts into your mind. Yeah. I'm just trying to figure out like, I mean, because at the other day that you don't have much to go on, right? Like, how has your relationship been otherwise? Um, I will say since we've had our son, it's been rougher. Um, you know, the first year of his life, I really became a mom, and that became probably almost

my entire identity, being a mom. And you know, he didn't share for a really long time how hard that was on him, and that he felt like he lost his wife in the process. And I and he kind of buried that and didn't tell me that for a really long time. So we ended up doing some counseling, like when I found that out, and we did like work on some things. So I think things got better and then he, he's had some job insecurity and some like stresses with family and things like that.

So I feel like in the opposite, it's kind of been true this last year, like his mental health has been really hard. Um, and it's, it's been really hard to navigate cause I also have a very tough demanding job. So it's like demanding everyone's mental health at work and then coming home to it as well. So that's been difficult. So we've definitely had some difficulties. And I think even recently we had an argument

and it's just, I think we're not connecting. So I think that's where like that little bit of fear comes in. Like I don't think he would physically do anything, but would he look for something emotional? There is a part of me that's kind of like, maybe. Yeah, I mean, so listen, I think you're just gonna have to try to, if your instinct, your body, your gut,

whatever you wanna call it, it's telling you like that reaction just was not my husband and it's like that there's something, I don't know what it is, I don't know if it's something as silly as him like, you know, searching an OnlyFans model or maybe he was messaging a girl on Instagram. If your instincts tell you that there's something there,

then you're gonna have to keep that conversation going with your husband. So he knows you're calling in and asking my advice about this. He does, yeah, because I didn't want to hide it. I wanted to be like, well, how nervous was like, and yeah, I mean, he seemed to have a bit of a reaction to it. Like where he did is he like, does he know you're on the call now?

Is he like, you're waiting for you? Yes. Yeah, he I used the word spiraling and he didn't love that word. But it did kind of felt like when I told him that, like, I told him we talked about a little and then like maybe 20 minutes later, he brought it up again. And then I was like, Oh, like, we're talking about this again. Okay. And then he I think it was like one other time he brought it up again. I was like, like, does this bother you? Like, what do you not want me to like, I want to respect you. And he was just kind of like, he just said he was worried about what I might say or what you might say,

or he was worried about thoughts being put into my head. And I was like, well, that's not what it's for. I mean, you're gonna, yeah, that's the thing. The fact that you're calling me and he knows that, I suppose in a way he can quote unquote use that against you and then say, well, you didn't think that before you talked to this guy or whatever. I think, and what comes down to why you're having this call

is because again, your gut tells you like that reaction just wasn't normal. And people who aren't hiding things don't react that way. You know? Like, yeah, it's just like, why are you going through my phone? Like, that's a normal reaction to like, seeing someone snoop through your shit when you have nothing to hide.

Like, especially when you're your partner. Because like, you guys should be in a relationship where like, I don't know, Natalie and I, like just like, I just, we know each other's passwords. Sometimes, I don't know, like, you know, River might be like, holding my phone, we know each other's passwords. Sometimes, I don't know, River might be holding my phone locked because she just wants, she's just holding it or whatever. So I'll be like, hey, I need your phone.

And we'll use each other's phones for various purposes because I don't know, we just have a lot going on. And I'm like, can I use your phone for a second? I'll go in and whatever. And the assumption is we're not snooping or looking, right? But if we were to see the other person kind of peak, it would be like, why are you doing that? It would be like, is there some,

it'd be that curiosity of are you feeling a little insecure? Am I, it's like, again, it would be confusion, it would be more questioning, it wouldn't be like, what the fuck are you doing? Like, oh my God. It's like the reaction of you're planning a surprise birthday party, you're getting the room ready,

and then someone walks in to like potentially spoil the surprise and everyone's like, what the fuck, why, why, why? You know, like again, you're hiding the surprise birthday party. So, you know, I think you just have to stick to your guns if that's how you feel, if that's a real feeling you have, and just articulate that, just be like,

you were definitely hiding something. You know, I think sometimes when people are lying to you, when you are posing that question as like, are you lying? Can you tell me the truth? Did you do this? It tells the person that there is a chance that they, you know, it's like you want to believe them, right? You know, and you're just asking them, you know, could you just tell me, did you do it? Like, can you just tell me, did you do it? Like, can you just tell me, did you say that? You know, what did you do? As opposed to being like, listen, I know you did this.

I know you did something, you know. And I don't, you know, it's like, and more saying it is like, I know. Yeah. And when you wanna come around and tell me the specifics, you can tell me, but like, I'm confident in this field. Like, often a lot of people will cave. Okay.

So, and again, you don't know the details. Yeah. I would just say, I would re-articulate that kind of what you've already said, which is people just don't react the way you reacted if, you know, and I don't know what you're hiding. Honestly, I'm assuming it's some, maybe it's not even that big of a deal. Maybe you're just afraid I'll get mad. I don't know what you're hiding. Honestly, I'm assuming it's some, maybe it's not even that big of a deal. Maybe you're just afraid I'll get mad.

I don't know. Maybe you can make a joke. I don't, you know what? You don't want to feed them too many, like you don't want to give them something to admit to, like especially if it's something greater. It's like, yeah, yeah, I was doing that. Sure, all right.

And you could just say, like, I just know you were hiding something. I can feel it. And the fact that you're like, it's just like, it just doesn't make sense. So like, I just know you were hiding something. I can feel it. And the fact that, like, it's just like, it just doesn't make sense. So like, I don't, I know you too well to know that, like, if you didn't want me going through your phone,

you wouldn't have gotten angry, you would have been more confused. You would have just been like, why are you doing that? But you, like, you got triggered, you know? And you looked almost worried. You looked worried. And so what were you worried about? You know, you can keep saying, oh, I don't know what to do.

I don't know what to say, blah, blah, blah. But like, there has to be a reason why. You have to talk to him like you're very confident in what you're saying, as opposed to like, what did you say? It's just like, I know that reaction was you being afraid of me finding something. I don't know what that something is,

but I am confident that your reaction was that, because it's just, I know you too long to know that you don't act that way if you're not in trouble. You definitely hit that. I do think my body was telling me something, and when he threw the phone at me, I, I don't know if it was like, just trying to call my bluff. Cause he knew that like, if he gave me the phone, like I wouldn't, I don't know.

And there is a part of me that kind of just wishes that I just did it. And even if I was, you know, the bad guy in that situation, at least I would have had that clarity. But you know, I can't change it. But I also don't want to be like. Your initial reaction, that's irrelevant, like fine. I wouldn't worry about like, oh, I wish I would have reacted this way. I mean, you could have gone through his phone, but whatever.

But in terms of how you react, like letting it go for a few weeks, you can bring, you know, you're married, you can bring it back up. Honestly. And you can just say like. And I mean, he's gonna ask me about this call, so it's gonna be, there's gonna be a window of opportunity to talk about it.

I mean, ultimately I would downplay the call because honestly I'm not really, like we're not offering that much advice here other than just like trust your gut and see it through and have confidence in what your body's telling you, right? And I'm not trying to put words in your mouth or anything like that, but if your gut tells you like that was really a weird behavior,

you just have to say it like that is, I know that's not the response I would get if you didn't want me to see something, I just don't know what that something is, and you saying it's nothing and you were just, I know that's not true. That much, and you say like that just, I know that's not true. That much, and you say like that much, I know that's not true.

So I won't lose this feeling until you give me something else other than like making it seem like I did something wrong by going through your phone. Like, yeah, I shouldn't have gone through your phone, but like that reaction was like just off. And you just have to like, you gotta be very confident about saying that so that he decides to realize that she's got me, so to speak.

It's like type of thing where then he hopefully will admit to it. And then again, depending on, fuck, you don't know what he's gonna say, so it's hard to make him any promises about how you're gonna react. But you could say something like, fuck, you don't know what he's gonna say, so it's hard to make him any promises about how you're gonna react, but you could say something like, listen, whatever it is, I mean, and you can make a joke.

I hope, like, we've been through a lot, we'll hopefully get through this, but let's just, you just gotta tell me. You just have to let me know, because making it seem like that was a normal reaction to me going to your phone is just not it. Yeah, and that was like the thing too, is it's like I got in my head a little bit,

and I was like, what is it? You know, he also said like, oh, I had a long day, and like, you know, he has been like quick to temper sometimes because of like all the stress he's under. So then he kind of said that was like, that played a part too. And I was like, well, like I kind of see that maybe like, but I think that also was me just trying to take like kind of the easy way out of it.

And like, yeah, but even if like, if you had a bad day, it'd be like, why are you going through my phone? It's so annoying. Like, like, you don't, you know, yeah, it's just, again, you were there. I was, yeah, but we know what guilty people look like. We know when someone's startled and they're afraid of like, ugh, you know? And that's not, I'm in a bad mood, I had a long day, like why the fuck are you going through my phone?

Really? Like really? Yeah, no that makes sense. So that's what I do. Yeah, and then I guess I just have to, he's someone who is very good with words, I will say that. Like he's just, he's very intelligent. He's good with words.

So I think sometimes like that's where I'll get tripped up cause like we'll go back and forth. And then eventually I feel like. Well, that's it. This doesn't have to be complicated. You know what I'm saying? It doesn't matter. I don't know what good with words are not good with words.

You're just like, listen, I know you. I know that reaction I saw. It doesn't make sense. And there's nothing you can say to change my mind on that because I know that there is something you're not telling me. You know what I'm saying? Like blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

It really doesn't matter what he's saying because you're just like, I'm not an idiot. Like I know it in my bones that like that reaction was not the reaction of someone who was just annoyed that his wife was going through his phone. That was a reaction of someone who thought they got caught. Yeah, I think I did say that. Like obviously a couple weeks ago,

but I think at one point I was like, well can you see that this looks bad? See that's the difference between like again, can you see is a question. That's you asking him, can you see? And then Mr. Good with words can be like, well, no, I mean, because blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Then he can come up with some sort of other example

or analogy as to why you don't make sense and he does. You're just like, listen, it doesn't make sense. I know this, right? That's the language you need to use because that's what you're confident in. And you're not giving him a chance to explain himself out of this jam. You're just simply saying, you can tell me,

you can not tell me, and I don't know if it's something that's stupid as you, like, searching for a pair of boobs and you just felt stupid, like, because, you know, you don't want't want me to, I don't know. Maybe it was like he was watching some porn and he was worried about the Google history because some of these porn names are like,

I don't know, maybe he just felt a little embarrassed and silly. But you could say, I don't know, maybe it's something silly that you just felt embarrassed by. But either way, there's just something you're not telling me. Don't ask, and that's the thing, you have to make statements, not questions. If you want me to get over this,

then you're just gonna have to tell me the thing that you're not telling me. Yeah, and like I kinda wanna say, like I promise like no matter what it is, we're gonna work through, but there also is a part of me. You can't promise that, be like, listen, you just say, we've been through so much, we've gotten through a lot, I hope you at least give me a chance for us to work through whatever it is because I don't even know if it's silly

Or serious, but it's something Right. So that's a good point Yeah, cuz you you're right. You do want to create some kind of safe environment to like tell you the truth, right? Cuz that's the thing like that's what I worry about like if worse and like my worst case on that situation It's like there is something going on He was like talking to somebody, my worst fear is like, you're not gonna tell me because you think I won't ever forgive you.

Because I've talked about that. You're married with kids, so people marry kids, they get through a lot. Worst case scenario, he's fucking some other woman, right? Obviously, there's an emotional, and that would be terrible. And you might wanna leave that relationship, but also maybe you're, I don't know, maybe you decide to reflect on the past couple years,

and since you've had a kid, and again, it's not okay. I'm just saying, you don't even know what you're even willing to work on because you just don't know. And until you face something like that, you just don't really know what you're willing to do or not do. But you can say, listen, you just don't really know what you're willing to do or not do, you know? But you can say, listen, we have a family together.

My first choice is always gonna be figure this shit out with you, you know? So I just need you to tell me because this sucks. Because constantly knowing that you're not telling me something and not knowing if it's something like you watched a weird porno that I would just kinda tease you about and you just got embarrassed and that's why your reaction was that

or it's something that's gonna be harder for me to swallow and really hurt me, I don't know. But maybe that's the way you can convince him because I'm thinking the worst and maybe it's this and the hope is it's like, again, something that's more embarrassing for him rather than he's actually doing something wrong and so you're just like I you know because I'm thinking of the craziest shit so I just you're telling you again but the thing

that you'd have to just repeat over and over with confidence is that you know there's something he's not telling you and it's that simple yeah and I guess like my worst-case scenario like if he just doubles down and like sticks to the story of he just didn't wanna miss the reels or whatever it is on Instagram, I don't know. It's like then what? Cause he is stubborn so if he decides that he's gonna stick to that, that's what it's gonna be.

So like that's like- I don't know, couples, are you gonna jump, could jump back in a couple, cause listen, it's a good time to maybe jump back in. There's clearly a disconnect, right? So, you know, and maybe, I don't know, maybe you guys will be able to unpack some stuff in couples therapy that will, you know, I don't know,

maybe there's a world we're telling the truth, I don't know. But you know, you feel how you feel, your body's usually always right. I don't know, but. You know, you feel how you feel. Your body's usually always right. I don't know you, but I'm getting the sense that you don't have a history of being an overly paranoid person. Have you convinced yourself of things in the past that end up being not true?

Like, do you create problems in your head? Um, if you ask my husband, he would say probably yes. Sometimes. Do you have an example? I make things bigger than they are. I don't mean bigger than they are. I just mean like, there's a, no, I'm not talking about exaggerating a story.

I'm talking about literally, like when people always ask, what's the difference between like following your gut and being crazy? And I always say like following your gut or listening to your body is responding to a feeling or something that's happening. And being crazy is just like

making up scenarios in your head, like your boyfriend, your husband's out past, you know, a little late than usual, and you just decided he was probably with another woman or something, you know, it's just like, it's going nine steps further, you know, type of thing. Yeah, I mean, I think that there's been like, I don't wanna say history of that,

but I think there's been times where like, I may think like like the worst or something if I don't hear like something unexpected happens and I'm like, wait, what's going on? But I also feel like. I don't know. I don't know. I just I feel like in this situation, like he might say like I'm making more of it what it is. Like in his mind, it wasn't even that that big of a deal or so he says. Well again, maybe it's not, right? Again, back to this OnlyFans analogy, I'm not telling anyone who's listening what to think or feel about this, but like a married guy who's married

his high school sweetheart, had a kid together, watching porn or like, it's not the end of the world, right? But like it might make your partner feel a little insecure or embarrassed and he might feel a little silly about it. And yeah, it could definitely be something like that. And he's thinking, like, you know, his reaction was about he was that embarrassment

and then he doesn't want, you know, so like it definitely could be something like that. It probably is, you know. But your point is it's something and he is trying to pretend that he was you know Being you know he wanted to maintain where he was When it's going for real like I okay, I guess Yeah, this is sounds bullshit it just sounds like bullshit

Yeah, it know and that's how I felt in that in that moment But then I just like I could and again I wasn't coming like you have now given me some really good advice that I can kind of go into the conversation very differently, because at the time, like, well, first of all, I was heated, so like there was a lot of emotion, but I definitely was all, like I was asking questions,

like I wasn't like very confident that I knew something was up. It was just like I thought something was up. Yeah, and again, I don't want to put words in your mouth, but if that is how you feel, be confident in your feeling, and yeah Just calmly just be like, you know If you want me to get over this then you're gonna have to give me something other than making me feel like I'm crazy

Okay, I mean he did say that he said what can I do to like help you feel better about this? So I guess like I should just tell me the truth Tell me yeah, you're just be, I know you're not telling me something. I just don't know if that something is like a silly thing where I'm gonna roll my eyes and you just felt a little embarrassed, or if it's bigger than that and it's something we're gonna really have to work through.

I don't know, but it is something and I am confident about that. Okay, I think I can do that. Okay, well good luck. Keep me posted. I will. All do that. Okay. Well, good luck. Keep me posted. I will. All right. Bye bye.

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and I spent my entire relationship with my ex-boyfriend paying for it. Okay, so now you're single. Now I'm single as of four days ago. As of four days ago, okay. So just to recap, you were married, you had an affair. That marriage ended. Was your boyfriend that you dated

the person you had the affair with or is that someone else? No, he was not. I met him about a month after I separated from my ex-husband. I wasn't divorced yet, but the time that I had separated from my ex-husband was also the same time that I had ended things with the person that I had the affair with. So when I met my boyfriend, I was no longer talking to the person that I had the affair with, but about two years into our relationship, he found out about it. About two years into your relationship with your ex-boyfriend, he found out about your affair. Yeah. And how did he find out and why did it take two years? How did he find out and why did it take two years? I'm going to start crying, but it mostly was that I just didn't want to tell him what was

going on. He had gone through my phone multiple times. He had looked through my emails. He had looked through my DMs, seen pictures of me on this guy's page, like just a couple pictures of me, but it wasn't anything that was like we were in a relationship. It didn't give that vibe. But eventually, you know, he saw some emails in my phone and he was wondering, why are you calling him babe? What kind of relationship did you have with him? And I just thought I can't keep living this lie anymore. I can't just keep saying that we were really close friends.

So I eventually told him, I said, I have to be in a relationship with him. No, I'm talking about my ex-boyfriend. My husband knew about it. That wasn't the only cause of our marriage ending. My ex-husband wanted to work on things, but I just didn't want to anymore. Gotcha.

Yeah. So what do you mean? Like, so he was, what was he, was he going, your ex-boyfriend going through your stuff? Yeah, he was. He would go through my phone in the middle of the night, I would be sleeping. He'd go through my phone.

He looked through my emails. One time I got my wisdom teeth out and while he was waiting at the waiting room, he looked through my phone as I was like passed out. And were you still talking to the person you had an affair with while dating your ex-boyfriend? No, I wasn't. I tried to delete as many messages and emails as I could, but I missed some in my email.

Gotcha. So I guess back to my original question is like, I guess why didn't you, when you got into your relationship with your ex boyfriend, I mean, every time we meet someone, right? There's always like, there's at some point, you know, a little bit of like, tell me about your past, right? You know, rosters, whatever, history,

have you ever cheated on someone, yada, yada, yada. Did that ever come up or like, have you ever cheated on someone, yada, yada, yada. Did that ever come up or did you avoid the question or what stopped you from just saying, hey, there's something I need to tell you? Yeah, it did definitely come up, but I just didn't want to. I knew that it was something in my past that I felt like I was still paying for with my ex-husband

and with the dissolution of our family. But I didn't feel like I needed to be honest about that because I just didn't want to keep having to relive the mistake through my relationship at the time. In hindsight, I really should have because ultimately, it really led to the downfall of our relationship was, you know, the lying and he wasn't sure if he could trust me by the time I finally told him, you know. Yeah, yeah.

As far as the affair, did you ever discover or do any work on yourself to identify what caused you to have the affair? Yeah, I am currently in therapy and at the time during the end of my affair, I was in therapy at that time, but then I stopped for a little bit. And then I went back to therapy. But I realized that I was just seeking a lot of attention at the time. I just had, you know, our third kid when I met this person that I had the affair with, and I felt very, I guess, invisible, in a way. You

know, I was home with the kids a lot. And my ex husband, he was, he was busy at work. And, you know, when he would come home, he was still busy with other stuff that he could do. So I just felt very unattractive and very invisible. And throughout my relationship with my ex-husband, the intimacy was really lacking. Like I always talk about how my kids are literally miracles because the number of times that we would have sex was like twice a year.

And I had kids, like three kids back to back to back, you know, so I just didn't feel that connection with him. Yeah, and obviously your ex-husband is still in the picture I just didn't feel that connection with him. Yeah. And obviously your ex-husband is still in the picture since you still share children together, yeah? Yeah. Yeah. And how did your ex-boyfriend, what was his relationship with your ex-husband?

It was incredibly bad. They went to court over three restraining orders. My ex-husband filed three restraining orders against my ex-boyfriend. And they were all dismissed. The first one was that he was being aggressive towards him when my ex-husband came to pick up my daughter from my house. And my ex-boyfriend went out there and he said, you know, you're not allowed to come in here. And my ex-husband didn't like that when he found a restraining order against that. That one got dropped.

Then the second one happened because my ex-boyfriend went up to him during a football game for my son. And he said, you're not allowed to speak to Lexi in that way. You can't be rude to her. And my ex-husband said, I don't like how you're confronting me. And so then he filed another restraining order. That one went to court and then it got dismissed because they settled.

And the third time it was over something else that was extremely similar to that, but it wasn't, there was no physical blows. It was just a lot of like tension and words. And it's literally two personalities that do not understand each other. And my ex-husband is very gentle and my ex-boyfriend is very aggressive.

Well, I mean, usually gentle people don't file restraining orders constantly. Yes, they usually don't. I don't really know, my husband had spoken to me about it before, probably a half year ago. Let me rephrase the way you're describing it. It sounds like, in your words, these are obviously confrontations,

but they're just disagreements amongst two people, and they seem like fairly petty, and they were dropped. It seems like your ex-husband was using it more as a tactic to get to fight this guy in a way rather than like protect like restraining order. Like was your husband in any way thinking he was in danger? I don't think so because he's spoken to me about it. About six months ago, he sent me a message and he said, because he's spoken to me about it about six months ago. He sent me a message and he said, I know now that the restraining orders that I've filed were hasty and I shouldn't have done that.

Okay, well. So I think he was just feeling threatened at that time, maybe not physically, but just emotionally, you know, and his status as a dad and everything like that, that was how he reacted in the moment. And what's your relationship with your ex-husband now? We are still not good, mostly because of, I'm sorry I'm crying so much, but we are still not good,

mostly because of my ex-boyfriend and our relationship and my need to kind of protect my relationship with my ex-boyfriend. I wanted to make sure that my ex-husband knew that there were boundaries between, you know, you can't come over to my place, you're filing restraining orders against somebody, you can't approach us in a parking lot.

If you say that this person is a danger to you, but why are you approaching us? I just needed to create that physical and like distance. I just needed to create distance, period, between the both of us. And I've never, I've never, I've thought about kind of reconciling that difference a little bit now that my ex-boyfriend is no longer in the picture, but I think it's just, it's too soon for that. You mentioned you wanted to protect your relationship with your ex-boyfriend. I get in the sense that you justify lying

because you tell yourself you're protecting yourself or something or relation, the classic line that has always been triggering for me, I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to get mad. I didn't tell you because I knew you would be upset. I didn't tell you because of, because, like as if there's a justification for lying. And I think you because of, you know, because like, you know, as if there's a justification for lying. And I think you seem very, that that is a, I don't know, a default or something. I think you've

become very comfortable with, would that be accurate? Oh, absolutely. Cause I spent, you know, two years basically lying to my ex husband. And then after that, you know, that's right. And then I continued that lie on for an additional two years. And eventually when it came out and I started telling the truth about things, it was too late. Yeah. And it's not that I currently have that justification. I definitely justified it in the past.

And I thought, you know, I certainly deserve some empathy for the fact that I lied because I didn't want to get in trouble. But now I see like, you just don't lie period because it's going to come out. What do you mean you deserved empathy and from who? Well I thought that I thought at the time when I told my ex boyfriend about the affair, he also had a little dalliance with a girl that he told me not to be worried about during like the first six months of our relationship. They had gone out one on one, she took him out for his birthday. He didn't go

out with me on his birthday. They would meet up, they would flirt at work. He would invite her over to like watch him play games and stuff like that. And he had lied to me about it for two years. So kind of in conjunction with the time that my affair came out, I found out stuff about this girl and it took me reaching out to the girl for her to actually send me pictures and let me know like this is the timeline and then for me to look through like his Venmo transaction history

and see like that they did indeed, you know, hang out and she sent him money and things like that. You were married, you had an affair, you got divorced, then at some point, the man you had an affair with, that relationship ended. How much time between that did you meet your boyfriend? So the time that I got divorced and the time that the affair ended was the same time.

The time that I met my boyfriend was a month after that. Okay, yeah. Are you pretty uncomfortable being alone? Yeah, because I was married for 10 years, and I met my ex-husband when I was at college when I was 19, and he's the first person that I really considered an actual relationship. And then right after that ended,

I got into this relationship with this new person. So yeah, I'm definitely very uncomfortable. I'm 33. Okay, you're still really young. Yeah. I mean, listen, like your question was like, do I still, should I be still paying for my affair or something to that effect, right?

Like, if it feels like you're still paying for it, it's because you've still paying for it, it's because you've never really faced it. You've never really dealt with it. That's what I'm hearing. You know, like you had an affair, your ex-husband found out he wanted to work on it, you didn't, you left a relationship, a month goes by.

That's no time at all. You probably weren't even divorced by the time you met your ex-boyfriend, right? Like I'm guessing you were just separated, you weren't even fully divorced, so like you're already in this new relationship. I'm guessing you didn't really do the work to really understand what caused you to do what you did.

Yeah, you could sit there and tell me you felt unseen, alone, whatever. Like clearly the relationship wasn't healthy, but again, you made the choice to have the affair as opposed to dealing with the issue in your relationship. And so it's understanding why you made those choices. Like in life, we either make healthy choices or unhealthy choices, right?

Like every choice that we make usually is one of the two. Like even our healthy choices sometimes don't work out, but like we often make choices that don't serve us. For example, a lot of our choices are around happiness. Is that happiness short-term happiness? Is it long-term happiness? Is it happiness that we, an orgasm's, I guess, happiness, but will that orgasm last beyond five minutes past the sex?

That's maybe a bad analogy, but you get what I'm saying, right? So I'm getting the sense from you, you make a lot of unhealthy choices, and sometimes unhealthy choices compound and snowball because it's just, we're trying to mask a previous choice that didn't pan out, and so then we rush into another choice, et cetera, et cetera.

You have not faced the fact that you had an affair. And if you met a new guy tomorrow do you even know how you would handle that conversation? I actually had somebody hit on me at Costco yesterday okay and it's not like it's not like I was interested in looking or anything but you know he said can I have your number and I said no I'm fighting alone for the foreseeable future and he said well then can I give you my number so that when this foreseeable future is over, you can reach out and I just said, I'm not going to use it. I just

I just know that it's important for me to learn how to be alone, but not feel lonely. And it's important for me to kind of get my own self esteem back and build up you know, what's what's what I really need to work on because I can't keep getting into relationships and expecting those relationships to fix me or make me feel like the way that I'm being is validated and just.

Yeah, well that's a step in the right direction. But yeah, I mean you have to be able to own what you did, first and foremost. You have to, it happened, you did it, it was a mistake. You know, you sound regretful, but now, you know, first and foremost, it happened, you did it, it was a mistake, you know, you sound regretful, but now, you know, the solution to that mistake isn't to lie about the mistake and pretend it didn't happen because you're afraid other people will judge you. I mean, listen, people are gonna judge you.

You're not the only one who's had affairs, people have affairs, your next partner may have also participated in an affair, or maybe they've also been cheated on. You can't guarantee if someone's gonna accept you. I can promise you that if you meet, if your goal is to meet a person and be in a healthy relationship

with a generally emotionally healthy person, their willingness to accept you won't be based off of whether you had or hadn't had an affair. It will be how you talk about your decisions and how you got to where you are today. So that if you, let's say, had an affair, people are going to want to know, are you that person who had the affair? To be honest, you're probably not too much different today than the person who had the affair with your husband. Yeah, and I definitely see that because I didn't heal

from that and then I rushed into a relationship and now I'm not only having to heal from the affair but I'm now having to heal from this new relationship. And so it's not like you didn't, exactly. Cause it's not like you didn't know that affair was wrong when you were having the affair. And I'm guessing at times you felt guilt about the affair when you were having the affair. And I'm guessing at times you felt guilt about the affair when you were having the affair.

So it's not like, oh, I know it's wrong now. You know what I'm saying? Like whatever broken part of you caused you to make those unhealthy and toxic choices sounds like it's pretty still broken, right? And so the answer to your question is like, well, I have to keep paying for my affair. Well, the answer is yes,

until you really decide to really deal with this. And, and it sounds like you very much are on the right track. You know, it's like, you don't have to not give out your number, but yeah, like I think you have to be, I mean, for the time being, I think it's good that you are alone. I mean, your relationship's four days old, you know, like, and you have three children. You're clearly not alone. You know, it may not be the type of companionship I know you know, like, and you have three children, you're clearly not alone, you know, it may not be the type of companionship

I know you're looking for, but like, honestly, like, hard to be that present of a parent when you are, when you're spiraling this hard emotionally, you know, and you know, I have a lot of close people in my life who have parents who never figured their own shit out in their relationships. All of those kids who are now adults at times feel very alienated by their parents. And I empathize with their parents because it's like their parents never found it, right?

They never found the thing that they were looking for. They've, you know, they have a handful of broken relationships after broken relationship because they never really dealt with it, right? And the person and the parent in that scenario kind of always feels justified because they feel like, well, I just haven't found it. And then their kids get older, right? And boy, what if happens if their kids

are in a healthy relationship, then the parent almost feels like, well, you're good. I still wanna find what you found. And then, but that child who's still in it, who's now an adult, right, still wants a parent to be present, to be there, to not feel like, you know, what you don't want is when your kids get older to feel like they're the adult and you're the child because mom's still trying to figure out her shit.

Yeah, I kind of at the conclusion of, you know, my relationship with my ex, my ex-boyfriend, I'm still trying to figure out her shit. Yeah, I kind of at the conclusion of, my relationship with my ex boyfriend, the time that the secret about the affair came out was two years into our relationship. We were together for about three and a half. And so, the next year and a half was very tumultuous. It was more tumultuous than it was before,

but it kind of escalated to the point where, you know, we had broken up multiple times, and he had left our place multiple times and come back and things like that. And I, as of four days ago, I just thought, like, I owe it to my, to my kids to at least show them what a healthy boundary is like. If I can't show them a healthy relationship, it's healthy self-love. It's being able to walk away from things that don't align with you anymore. That if somebody is mistreating you or speaking poorly to you and they keep doing that, then they should no longer be in your life. Yeah. Well, also, maybe now is the time to really just be a mom and really be present with your kids and not wonder if you're gonna find love or think about your relationship problems

or just really be a mom right now. You know, like, yeah, it would be nice to have that companionship, but clearly, you're clearly someone whose, your problem isn't having boyfriends or or finding men that's not your problem it's I'm guessing you've probably had boyfriends or men in your life most of your life yeah so you know and that's always you know like a lot of these examples it's not like yeah it's never someone who has a hard time

finding people it's the people they find or how they handle themselves in the relationship or their propensity or willingness to lie or cover or avoid the real issues and things like that. So your boyfriend breaking up with you sounds like it was the best thing for you. It doesn't sound like that was a very healthy relationship. These restraining orders that your husband issued on this guy, yeah, sound weird and maybe he was frivolous, but I don't know. The way you described your ex-boyfriend

as a very aggressive person, and I'm guessing maybe he didn't help the situation either. Then coupled with the fact that he had his own bullshit and lies, yada, yada, yada, it took him breaking up with you to get out of this relationship, a relationship that you probably, a healthier version of you,

would have said, this is not the relationship for me. And I'm not trying to be hard on you here, but like you need to think about like the fact that like you brought a man to your son's football game and cause drama. Right. And like, you know what I'm saying? Like you got to stop that shit. You got to stop putting yourself and ultimately your kids in these situations and you're just, you have to be a tougher critic on yourself, you know? And I think my guess is you've probably fallen victim to this need of attention or whatever it is and that has been your motivation

and you have painted yourself as a victim at times in these situations because maybe you did feel lonely or you felt unseen or lost or scared or whatever. And these are all valid feelings, but you weren't looking, you weren't willing to take a look at yourself in the mirror to understand why we are having these feelings and the role you were playing in these feelings.

You would just look to mask those feelings. And obviously part of that was like the affair or even maybe this boyfriend, why you chose this boyfriend, maybe mask certain things. So now is like hopefully a wake up call to be alone right now, focus on being a mom, work on yourself, investing yourself,

really just take a step back, start making healthier choices. And then when you do get back into dating, date very slow and listen to your body. And like you need to understand what it feels like when you have that need for attention and to be able to identify that and things like that. But have you had some like past trauma as a child?

You know, like, I mean, what was your relationship like with your parents? You know, like, is there some childhood stuff you need to unpack with your therapist? Because I'm guessing, you know, there usually is with people. Yeah, I had very, um, my, my, my parents growing up, you know, they up until like I was 28 years old, I would have my mom just yell at me and start throwing stuff in my room and with my kids nearby and things like that.

So I certainly feel the void of that, that love from my parents. Our relationship now is a lot better, but I'm still very cautious because I just, every time I've trusted the relationship getting better, it just kind of slides back into things being bad. Yeah, I mean, maybe, you know, who knows why it's quote unquote better now, maybe it's better because you've made certain concessions

or some, I don't know. Yeah, but I've definitely come to terms with, better now, maybe it's better because you've made certain concessions or something. I don't know. Yeah. But I've definitely come to terms with, you know, I didn't have the healthiest childhood growing up. I had a mom who she felt that because her childhood was difficult, that mine needed to be as well. And I had a father who he was very stern with her sometimes, but he didn't really stand up for us when things were wrong. So I held a lot of resentment for him. And then when I would try to go no contact with them because they were treating me poorly, even as an adult with three children, they would still try to play the victim like, oh,

so you don't want us in your kids' lives, then fine, we'll leave. And I was like, no, I'm telling you, I want you in my kids' lives, but only if you're going to be healthy enough in their presence. Yeah, so I definitely feel that I'm attention seeking. Well, I mean, it makes sense. And again, you're starting to see this stuff, so you're not so far gone. And then listen, when it comes to this stuff,

you always gotta look for the silver lining. You said you're 33. I mean, you're still really young, but you know, obviously women have to think about their biological clock and maybe you want more children, but you have three children. So in terms of working on yourself,

you have all, you know, you have time, right? Yeah. So you can be patient with yourself, but you have a chance here to really change some really bad behaviors in the past. And you have a chance here to really change some really bad behaviors in the past. And you have a chance here to really change some generational trauma when it comes to your family. Up until now, you've done nothing but to continue

these bad choices and this trauma. And that's why I think you really need to see this breakup as a blessing. And I know you're sad and you're grieving, but like you really need to see what I'm seeing, hopefully, as like a hopefully a new start. And if you really feel like this this affair is still hanging, the shadow hanging over you, understanding why that is, is a big first step. Because again, you still haven't, you're still that same kind of broken person that felt the need to have an

affair when her needs weren't being met. When you couldn't find happiness inside your marriage, you made a toxic choice rather than a healthy choice. Yeah, about two months ago, when the dissolution of my relationship with my ex-boyfriend really started happening, he had broken up with me and the next day he came back as he typically does. And you know, he said, I'm so sorry, like, I want to get back together. And I just said, you know, No, clearly, we need to work on things. And I'm happy

working on things with you, but without this relationship hanging in the balance. So then it kind of became something that was incredibly toxic and very, he wanted me to still, he wanted to keep going at me for the affair and still keep asking me questions and still kind of keep making me relive it. But at some point I just said like, I don't want to keep doing that because I've given you all the answers and I, over the past year and a half, I've given you all the answers and I over the past year and a half I've given you all the answers. We've talked about it as much as you can, you know, and it's just not healthy for us to keep resurrecting the problem essentially. And I wrote in my journal like a week ago, I said something like, I'm so grateful that he let me go because I knew that I wouldn't have done it. But him letting me go in that moment kind of start was the catalyst to really just seeing how the choices that I was making still in my relationship with him were just not the healthiest for me. What if he comes back in a week? Well, he actually still has the keys to our apartment that we do share. So I really don't know. I don't know what I'm going to do. What do you mean you don't know? I'm kind of like afraid if that were to happen

because his presence over the last like two months just kind of kept on making me scared. And I thought I shouldn't be I shouldn't constantly be afraid of somebody being around me. And what are you scared? Are you like literally scared of him? Are you scared about how you feel about him? And you're willing to enforce a boundary with him. I, he, he is very aggressive. So, you know, he can get extremely angry. His presence does make me afraid because I, it's very like loud. It's actually, do people know this? I mean, do you have, do you, do you have friends in a, in a circle to,

yeah, I do. Um, one of my best friends, she lives like 20 minutes away from me and she does know about this. But it's only just started kind of coming to light. Could you ask, I mean, could you just reach out to him and say, you know, like, as nice as possible? Like, I mean, he's planning on moving out, correct? As far as you know, he's... All his stuff is gone. He hasn't lived here for the past two months ever since he broke up with me. So everything's gone, but he still has the key. Can you change the locks? His name is on the lease still. So I don't know if I can change the locks, but I can always see

if they would let me or at least have some kind of... But you've been paying the rent for the past couple of months, can't you? Yeah, I've been paying the rent. Um, I think that they just have a process where you have to have him sign off on it as well. And I just don't know if he would, or if he would care to. How much is left in your lease? Uh, we just moved in here like two months ago, so I have like 11 months left on my lease. I have a long time left on my lease.

Yeah. And he does have this habit of kind of coming in when I'm asleep and knocking on the bedroom door and wanting to talk to me in the middle of the night. He's woken me up multiple times in the middle of the night ever since he broke up with me two months ago and wanting to scream at me about something. Yeah, I mean, that can't.

Yeah, I've definitely looked into getting at least one of those things that you like find on Amazon and you just put it on your door and it stops even if the lock is open, you know, it stops the door from opening. I would, I mean, my advice to you is look into every solution you can to try to protect yourself from him having access to come into your room. And if it's reach out to your landlord and understand the process. My boyfriend and I signed a lease together. We're not dating.

He still has a key. Without giving too much away, just be like, what does that look like trying to, he doesn't live with me anymore, but he is on the lease and he has a key. Can I change the locks? How do I, like he's come in before, I just need to protect myself type of thing.

What does that look like? Understanding your options. And then I'm guessing you feel like if you were to just reach out to him to say, hey, I'd like to get you off the lease, you're thinking he wouldn't want to do that so that he could still barge in whenever he wanted to. Yeah, he would barge in probably whenever he wanted to.

And also I don't want to, I'm in this moment of like deep hurt. And while I'm feeling all these feelings, you know, missing the person that I thought he was or missing the future that we had planned together that never came to fruition. I just don't want to have like a moment of weakness and feel like he would be able to talk to me about things because I finally was brave enough and smart enough to block him on everything, you know? So that he couldn't reach out and he couldn't get to me unless he physically comes here and tries to see me.

Yeah, it's a tough situation. I will certainly look into what it takes to get him off the lease, at the very least. If nothing else, at least, yeah, you should at least have someone come in, put some additional security or locks on your door so that he can't barge in in the middle of the night.

Yeah, yeah. I'm definitely going to look into that and make something happen. Because at that point, if he's like banging in or being loud, I think you can call the police or whatever and like then maybe you're in a position to file a restraining order, you know, like that if you needed to.

Yeah, it's really crazy because he is in law enforcement. Oh, he is. And one time, you know, we that if you needed to. Yeah, it's really crazy because he is in law enforcement. Oh, yes. And one time, you know, we were arguing up here and he was yelling at me, calling me names and our neighbor from downstairs came upstairs and knocked on the door and said, you know, if I don't see her right now and if I don't see that she's okay right now,

I'm going to call and say that it's domestic violence. And then he got upset with me for that. And yeah, it was a- So he's a cop? Yes, he is. He is. I know. Yeah. Just one of those things that kind of makes like you, your stomach turn a little bit when you think about him being so being a law enforcement and well i just hope he's operating with the assumption that he's protected he could he could. I really don't know but i don't see why he would think that he isn't protected because when the when the neighbor downstairs came upstairs. My ex-boyfriend was all like, you made me yell at you. You, you made me so upset, like, and things like that. And I was just, you shouldn't yell. When was the last time he showed up at your place? Four days ago when I broke up with him and I blocked him on everything. And I said, I'm, I never want to speak to you and everyone talk to you ever again. You know, I'm done.

Then I sent that text. I blocked him on everything and he showed up, I was sleeping and he knocks on my bedroom door and I'm just like, what are you doing here? He's just like, I just want you to know, I love you, I get that you're done and I just sat there and I didn't say a single word and then he left. Let me see knocking your bedroom door. At least, yes. Well listen, you gotta deal with this ex-boyfriend shit first so that you're not constantly worried about him showing up.

Because obviously how can you start healing when you're still dealing with this toxicity? So that's priority number one is to try to figure that situation out. And then you need to heal from your whole life. You really need to be alone and heal and deal and deal with this affair and heal from this affair and understand why you made those choices and really take your time. And really, yeah, I would put men and relationships

on the back burner for a while and not really focus on yourself. Focus on your children. Focusing on mending your relationship with your ex-husband for the sake of co-parenting. for a while and not really focus on yourself. Focus on your children. Focusing on mending your relationship with your ex-husband for the sake of co-parenting. Just really just try to have a healthy relationship with him in a way that's civil.

Just try to bring peace into your life with the people who are in your life, your parents. Obviously this doesn't mean like giving in to certain things or accepting bad behavior. You still want to have your boundaries, but you have no peace in your life. It's just all turmoil and you are the constant here, right? So you need to sit back and understand what's causing you to put yourself in these situations and really try to heal. And I would take all the time you need and in the meantime I would really immerse yourself

into being a mom and being present for your children and showing up for them constantly and having them see a mom that doesn't have drama in her life constantly. Your kids, you know this, right? They're smart, they're intuitive. They need to see a healthy, new, happy mom. And if I were you, that would be all I cared about

for the next, I don't know, several years, you know? Yeah, you're right about that. So hopefully this was helpful. I'm sorry you're going through this. It's a tough situation. It was. But this can be a turning point in your life, you know? And I would take it very seriously. Otherwise, fast forward, you know, it's a blink of eye.

You're gonna be in your 50s or 60s, And I would take it very seriously. Otherwise, fast forward, blink of an eye, you're gonna be in your 50s or 60s and you don't wanna be the person who's has simply like three more ex-boyfriends and then your kids are all adults and they're just like, yeah, your mom, she's just a fucking mess when it comes to men. And then you're still bringing men drama into your life

when your kids are just looking for a mom to maybe enjoy their grandchildren or things like that. Like you're very young, you have a long, you know, but like figure it out now because you still have a long life ahead of you to like have a very peaceful and happy life. And this could be a turning point in your life. And you can look back at a life

that used to be full of turmoil, but you've really turned a corner. And you have control over this. Like you can look back at a life that used to be full of turmoil, but you've really turned a corner. And you have control over this. Like you can do it, but you have to hold yourself accountable and just face the reality of the situation and stop running from it. Yeah, I do. I definitely plan to be alone for a while.

I just need to establish some peace and some self-respect and work on things that I already do have rather than putting things that I do have to the wayside to try and get new things. Yeah. And you're in therapy now, you mentioned? Yeah, I am. And what conversations you're having with your therapist now? We definitely do talk a lot about my ex-boyfriend because when I started meeting with her, things were still evolving with him. But it's been very insightful because it's a lot of, what can you do about the situation now versus, you know, let's harp on what happened in the past.

It's what can you do as a healthy Lexi versus an unhealthy Lexi? Like what, the person that you see yourself in three years, what would that person want the person today to do to get there? Yeah, I would want for you to unpack why you make some of the choices that you make. I would want you to, I still,

it's not like it's not, I don't want you to reallocate the past or ruminate over past relationships, but you do need to understand why you make some of these choices a little bit better than I think you do now. Yeah. Life is all about especially emotional maturity for me you know my definition I don't know if it's an accurate one but life happens situations happen and like I said before you know we feel you know happy sad triggered whatever we cannot control our feelings about a situation our feelings are very kind of an in the moment reaction.

But how we react to those feelings makes a huge difference between like toxic people and healthy people, mature people and emotionally immature people. And the more mature and emotionally regulated and healthy people like make healthy reactions to these feelings. And so it doesn't matter if they're depressed, happy or sad, they make less reactive choices healthy people make healthy reactions to these feelings. So it doesn't matter if they're depressed, happy, or sad.

They make less reactive choices. They make choices that not only serve them well in the short run, but also serve them well in the long run and things like that. Because right now you're making choices and it's all about masking a problem. You feel pain, you make a choice to try to solve that pain. You're playing catch up.

You're just reacting to the last moment, right? And that's how you get into these situations. But you need to be able to like take a step back and like again, process your feelings. You know, if it's with the therapist, I'm feeling this. I would normally react to this. I don't wanna make the same type of choices and really get better at that and get better at removing yourself from drama, not seeking it out, seeking out peace.

And yeah, I would take your time. Yeah. All right. Well, thank you so much, Nick. I appreciate you. I appreciate you as well. Sorry, going through this. I would love for you to keep checking in and give us an update. But again, remember, prior number one, deal with your shit with your boyfriend. Whatever you have to do to keep yourself safe, make yourself safe, so that's not something that you have to always look over your shoulder. And then once that's done, really take the time to heal, do the work you need to do, focus on yourself,

be a mom, and then over time, you can look for love. Yeah, I'm excited to just be me right now. I feel like I need to come home to myself, but thank you, Nick. All right, take care. All right, bye-bye. Bye-bye. But there's anything I've learned so far this year

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For $30 off your 15 inch calendar, that's S-K-Y-L-I-G-H-T-C-A-L.com slash viall. How's it going? Hey, I am Jessica, I'm 33. And my ex says he wants his family back, but I just found out he got his hinge hookup pregnant. Okay, and when he says his family back, does that really found out he got his hinge hookup pregnant. Okay, and when he says his family back, does that really mean like you and?

And our daughter. And your daughter. We have a five year old. Okay, and then how did you find out he got his hinge hookup pregnant? On a Facebook dating group called Are We Dating the Same Guy. Oh, okay.

And it was sent by a friend as a screenshot. And when he says he wants it back, why did he lose his family in the first place? A lot. A lot of work that needed to be done. We did therapy. I felt, after a while, I felt like nothing was really changing.

And as a mother now, it's not about me anymore. It's also about, most importantly, her and not having her in that type of environment. So I sat with it and when I was ready, I made a decision to move. And just out of curiosity, why are you even, I mean, I love that where I get to meet you and I get to talk to you,

so don't take this the wrong way, but why are you even calling me and asking my opinion about this as opposed to just being like, no, it's I need some tough love. It's been we were together 12 years. I probably should have left a long time ago. Shoulda, coulda, woulda, but. But you but you did leave. So that's. Buta, coulda, woulda, but

But you did leave so that's But I did. Yes, I did leave and I feel like a part of me still had some slight hope that he would do things not for me, but for himself and do the work. I feel a little blindsided hurt that he pretty much made me feel all year, like he wanted us back, that he's willing to do the work, that this is, you know, to please give him a chance, making me feel like it was up to me to make the decision if I have my dream family back or not,

and to feel like his priorities were somewhere else, hurts, that he didn't do the work. He didn't go to therapy, he was honest about it. And I know I've noticed it all year, but to find out that he got somebody else pregnant and that chance of me, that little glimmer of having my family back is gone. And I do need the tough love to like, this is a gen.

There's. Well, I mean, listen, I don't think it's any more gone than it was before and him getting someone else pregnant, that really doesn't change the equation. What I mean by that is just like, I mean, I, it's almost, honestly, it's kind of a blessing, you know? Because, you know, two things what I'm hearing from you is one, listen, when, it is nice to know we're missed, there's that.

It is nice to know people regret fucking up with us. The dangers of that is even though our egos love it, it's nice to hear, but it doesn't necessarily mean that we should do anything differently. And then also, like the idea of just wanting your family back, I'm of just wanting your family back, I'm hearing you want your family back, but you don't necessarily want him back. And I get it. Listen, like, I mean, you know, especially when you have kids together, I, you

know, trust me, I know I can, I can only imagine, I certainly can imagine what you're feeling. And that's what makes it the hardest is knowing that essentially, even after knowing that I found out all this information, is still pleading with a chance. Well, he's pleading because he knows that you've forgiven him in the past, and he knows that you still want this, right? But you have to,

I guess what I'm trying to say is, listen, you have your daughter, right? And it's not the ideal situation. You didn't expect that you and your daughter would be in this situation when you had your daughter with this man and obviously you wanted to have the family, but you're still a really young woman,

and you do have your daughter, which is obviously a blessing. And you did get yourself out of a bad situation and you need to be proud of yourself for that. And you still have time to find your family, you know? Certainly it didn't, you know, it's not what you plan for yourself, but nothing goes as planned in life. You know, like the alternate, like for life. There's a different timeline or universe where you could be a single woman who's never been married

or never had a child, never had a partner, and you could still be looking for your family. Maybe you would be a little nervous because you have your biological clock, you haven't had children yet and you're in your 30s and yada yada, but you could still be this kind of optimistic person looking for their person and just know they wanna have a family. But it's like almost now that you've had a daughter, which again, I'm assuming is this beautiful blessing and you love, it's almost like you feel like

it's all been ruined in a way, right? So you just have to stop, you have to change your perspective. And it's just like, I have my daughter, period, great. Like I have my daughter. To think anything else would, to wish things would have played out differently would in some ways mean I don't have my daughter and I wouldn't want obviously to trade her for the world.

So just I have my daughter and I wouldn't want obviously to trade her for the world, right? So just, I have my daughter and this kind of, you gotta focus on that. Who you had your daughter with, yeah, didn't pan out, right? But you still, again, have your youth, right? And you got out of a bad situation and that relationship just did not make you happy. He was constantly not making a priority, taking you for granted, lying, doing whatever it is he was doing.

And then you had to deal and clean it all up. And now you don't have to do that anymore. And I get wanting to have that family back, but you gotta let go of that mindset because you never really had the family you wanted. You kind of played house, so to speak, right? And then you had the man and you had your daughter and it's like, then you called it your family.

But in terms of what that dynamic was and how healthy it was or wasn't, like you never really, you know what I'm saying? When you imagined your family, before you had your family, I'm guessing you didn't imagine it would be the dynamic that it was, right? That's true.

I didn't even think about it in this way, which is why I needed, I haven't shared with anybody. I've been sitting with it, processing it. And it's like, you know what you wanna do and you just need to hear it from somebody else too. Yeah. So you just have to, you still have to be that person who's like wants to, you have the right to want that family. That family that you say you wish you had back, you need

to first accept that you never had it. So there's nothing to wish for back. And if, if your ex were to actually do the work and like, you know, he got some, let's say this woman he got pregnant moves forward and has this child, okay, whatever, and then your daughter has a half-sibling, okay, great, great, good for your daughter, your daughter has, you know, weird, you know, a lot of families have that.

Your husband, your ex could still do the work, and like, I'm not expecting him to, and I don't want you to bank on this, but like, my point is, is if he really did the work and he really changed as a human being, and you somehow could have that proof, there's a world where you would take him back, but like, that's based off a fantasy

that it's probably not gonna happen. And my point is when I say that this other child doesn't really matter, because if you, I'm guessing if like God came down and said, no, he's actually, you know, yeah, he did, you know, he did get this woman pregnant, like fast forward a year, like a year and a half goes by and God wakes you up and says, just so you know,

he's gonna be a great partner now. I got your back, you know, God comes down and says, guardian angel, he's gonna, you know, you probably wouldn't even, you know what I'm you would, you know, you probably wouldn't even, you know what I'm saying, like, right? You probably wouldn't even worry about that kid. You would be like, oh, well, I guess my kid has a half sibling, but now he's, you know,

so you don't want him. You want a man who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated and prioritize you the way you deserve to be prioritized. And you want a man who wants to have the same type of family dynamic that you crave and the only thing that's different is that you have your daughter, which is a blessing,

versus not having a daughter and had you not met this other guy. Does that make sense? It's true. So you just have to accept who he is. This is a man who has proven time and time again that despite his pleads and his apologies and his promises that he never actually changes.

And so you just have to accept that and just give up on that idea because you have no reason to keep hoping. And the only reason he keeps trying is because you keep forgiving him. And once you can just let that go and just be grateful that you do, despite all his flaws, he still gave you

the best miracle you've ever had happening in your life. And just simply be grateful, not for him, but for your daughter. And know that, yeah, being a single mom has its challenges. Certainly even in dating, it has its challenges, but there are a lot of single moms out there that do find love again and find great companionship. But you have to get to a place where you treat yourself better and you have to expect more from yourself and have higher expectations and standards for yourself because that's the only way you're going to attract the type of man that you're looking for is to hold yourself to that standard to stop accepting this type of behavior from these types of men. I needed to hear that because it's 12 years.

You know, 12 years of forgiving and always giving and it was time. Yeah. And it's time for me to officially close that chapter, that idea. Yeah, so I would just, this is a, I think it's a real blessing that you found this out, and I think you really need to say goodbye to him and accept that this, he is who he is, and I don't want that in my life.

And my only focus with him right now is having a healthy co-parenting dynamic, but I don't want that in my life. And my only focus with him right now is having a healthy co-parenting dynamic. But I don't want this type of energy. And you need to look forward. And you need to start, you know, my guess is probably you should probably be alone for a bit and start asking, you know, again, I don't know if you, are you in any type of therapy

or anything like that? Yes, yes. I would, yeah, explore, you know, some of the choices you've made, you know. I would understand why you have, try to figure out why you have had a hard time letting go or just seeing him for who he is. But you do have a lot going for you. I just want you to start focusing on what you,

because a lot of it is like, you've been in this mindset of almost kind of, you know, you are a victim of a situation, don't get me wrong, it's a city situation, but you've kind of led with that don't get me wrong, it's a shitty situation. But you kind of led with that, right? And so now it's like I have this, and so once we see ourselves as victims of a situation and life didn't go the way we expected,

we almost then accept less of ourselves. It's like, oh well, I'm in the shitty situation now so I guess I can only deserve this. It's like, you know, like, and right now you're probably thinking to yourself is like, I had the family and then I had this shitty guy and I am, you know, now I'm a single mom. So the best I can do is hope he changes. It's true.

That's exactly it. Yeah. Oh yeah. That's entire year. That's what's going on. You're a beautiful woman. You still have, you still have your, your youth, like you, the best you can hope for yourself is that you find a man

who really loves you for who you are and loves your daughter and wants to grow a family with you. And if that means that you're 36 when you find them, then so be it. Because in the meantime, you focus on being a mom and really working on yourself and focusing on surrounding yourself with other healthy people and people who do respect your boundaries. And you focus on working on setting healthy boundaries with people and focusing on forcing on those boundaries and the people who don't respect those boundaries, you work on making sure that you distant yourself from most people very quickly and very, you know, rather than like, you know, using it as

opportunity for your ego to be triggered and to try to change them in a way that like they might not be willing to change. It's, is exactly what I needed to hear. I know it. I know what it is so hard not to keep falling into that wishful track of, you know, being hopeful and wishful that maybe now, you know, things will change and And then constantly hearing

that they're willing to make the change that they want to do things and then coming to terms with reality of what it's always been. The priorities just weren't where they needed to be. And it happened and the situation is what it is and I need to focus on me. and the situation is what it is and I need to focus on me. So yeah, it's hard. Especially with a little one definitely adds to the dynamic. Yeah, but you have to change. It really is about changing your perspective. Just be grateful for your daughter and just be happy she's there. It's not the situation you plan for yourself, but there's still a lot of beautiful things about this and you still are very young and you still have a lot of life ahead of you. So,

you know, just make some healthy changes in your life and accept that this situation didn't go as planned, but there's no point in, you know, it's like, I don't know what the analogy is, but sometimes you just got to get rid of something, it's broken. And now you're just sitting in this broken mess hoping that it's not broken. Let it go, move on, reinvent yourself. Take the good pieces from that broke, it's like take the spare parts.

And your daughter's not gonna spare a part, but there's a lot, again, a lot of beautiful things from this. You take that and you throw the rest away. It's these changing these narratives. I want my family back. Again, you never had that. Whatever that was, it is, the narrative is,

I still hope to find that family that I want in my life. Right now I have my daughter and we have our nice little family, but it's just her and I, and I someday, I hope to grow that. And I'm gonna grow that, but I need to be patient. I need to make healthy choices. I need to treat myself with love and respect

if I expect someone else to treat me with love and respect. And since I've had a hard time doing that in the past, that's gonna be my primary concern for the foreseeable future. And the rest will work itself out because if you really focus on that, and then put yourself out there and stretch your comfort zones and things like that, and then put yourself out there and stretch your comfort

zones and things like that, that stuff will work itself out. But right now, you need to focus on how you treat yourself because saying yes to him and saying yes to believing in him is also you not loving yourself, respecting yourself, not thinking that you deserve more. It's being like, know, it's being like, this is all I deserve. So I guess this is what I'll take. You know, you, you have to change the narrative that I, you do, you, you can still, you, you can make your dreams come true, you know, right now you have this mindset of my, my, you know, my dreams didn't happen.

This is what I got. This is what I'm dealing with. No, you got a dream big, you still got a dream shoot for the stars. You still have to fantasize about having that fairy tale and you can still have it. It's just not gonna be the way you played out. You initially, it's slightly changed, but the outcome can ultimately be the same,

which is a happy and healthy family and having a partner that you can be a teammate with and have a family together. Thank you. I think you hit it on the nail. My family truly wasn't what I call was my family. I never saw it that way and it's so true. Thank you.

I needed to hear that. All right, I'm glad I could help. Well, please keep us posted. I'd love an update. I'd love to see what progress you make going forward. Hold yourself accountable. But like, listen, you just have to realize that you have a lot going for you and making the same mistakes over and over again is costing you, right?

And that, you know, if, if you see the opportunity in front of you, you'll be less willing to waste it, right? And so you have to see it as an opportunity. You have to see all the possibilities that you could have in your life. And you have to shoot for the stars, rather than acting like your life's already over because the family that you thought you had is gone,

and what's the point, and I guess I'm just a single mom now, and fuck it, you know? Like, you gotta stop. Perspective. You have to stop acting like that. I will. I definitely will. And I love the show.

Instead of being like, I'm 33, it's just like, yeah, I mean, I'm gonna live till I'm 90, so what am I gonna do for the next 57 years? Is that my math right? I don't know. You know what I'm saying? But like, 57, someone said you got 57 years, what are you gonna do with it?

If you think like that, I'm hoping that your decisions would be a lot different. But right, you know, a lot of times you're like, well, I'm 33 and I haven't gotten where I thought I would be when I was 33, so what's the fucking point, you know? Then you tend to settle. And I think that's been it.

I feel like in my mind, I'm like 12 years, we've done so much, been through so much. We have a five-year-old. And I tend to focus on that more than- You have a five-year-old. And that's all you need to focus. I got a five-year-old from that mess. And I got a beautiful five-year-old

and I got a special five-year-old and I'm so glad I have that five-year-old. And honestly, I would do it over again 100 times if it got me that five-year-old. But it's all I got from that. And it's a pretty good one. And I'm gonna say goodbye to it because the other parts I wanted from it

just aren't possible. But I'll take the five-year-old because it's awesome. Thank you, Nick. I needed, this is why I wrote it, I needed someone to give me the tough love and just be honest, having a different perspective based on what I'm sharing. So thank you.

All right. Well, I look forward to a positive update in the future. Thank you. All right, take care. Have a good day. You too, goodbye. Bye. Stop wasting time scrolling through endless clickbaits, social media, and emails trying to keep up with the news. Instead, listen to all the news you need in just 10 minutes.

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