The Viall Files - E923 Ask Nick - My Grandma Cheated

Episode Date: April 28, 2025

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition!  Our first caller took a DNA test that revealed a 60-year-old family secret. Our second caller is a new dad looking for advice. And, our third caller is wondering how to get unstuck from a relationship.  “Sometimes we have to convince ourselves that we’re healed before we are." Listen to Humble Brag with Cynthia Bailey and Crystal Kung Minkoff every Monday starting October 21st! Available wherever you get your podcasts and YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@humblebragpod https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/humble-brag-with-crystal-and-cynthia/id1774286896 https://open.spotify.com/show/4NWA8LBk15l2u5tNQqDcOO?si=c03a23d537f94735 Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice, send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on this podcast please email: [e-mail] or go to: https://advertising.libsyn.com/theviallfiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Thrive Market - Ready to make the switch? Go to https://thrivemarket.com/viall for thirty percent off your first order, plus a FREE $60 gift! SitterCity - Go to https://sittercity.com to find the care your family deserves. Breathe easier knowing your kids are in good hands. BetterHelp - Your well-being is worth it. Visit https://betterhelp.com/viall today to get 10% off your first month. IQ Bar - Right now, IQBAR is offering our special podcast listeners 20% off all IQBAR products, plus get FREE shipping. To get your 20% off, just text FILES to sixty-four thousand. Caraway - Spring into action with the healthy swap to Caraway. Our favorite cookware set will save you $150 versus buying the items individually. Plus, if you visit https://carawayhome.com/viall10 you can take an additional 10% off your next purchase. SKIMS - Shop the SKIMS Ultimate Bra Collection and more at https://SKIMS.com and SKIMS stores. After you place your order, be sure to let them know we sent you! Select "podcast" in the survey and be sure to select our show in the dropdown menu that follows Prolon - Prolon is offering The Viall Files listeners 15% off sitewide plus a $40 bonus gift when you subscribe to their 5-Day Program! Just visit https://prolonlife.com/viall  Timestamps: (00:00) - Intro (02:49) - Caller One (25:39) - Caller Two (51:01) - Caller Three Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @justinkaphillips @dereklanerussell  

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So my DNA testing revealed a 60 year old family secret and now what? What is the secret? We found out that my father's father, so my grandfather, isn't my real grandfather or his real father. Okay. What is the problem, I guess? Not that that's like, I don't know, was he adopted?

Has this created family drama? Drama, we thought it would. It actually didn't. My dad took the news a little bit better, but really why it was such a big deal was that we never would have thought that he wasn't. My grandma and my grandpa were married only for like a year when my dad was born.

So infidelity really wasn't a question. So we really didn't think that my dad wouldn't be my grandfather's child. So when this came out, there's two other kids too. So my dad is one of three siblings and he might be the only sibling that doesn't truly belong to my grandfather. And we're just finding this out now. And my grandma's now passed away. So we can't really ask her like what happened

and how it occurred. Wow. Well, how can I help? So I guess my question for you, originally it was gonna be, I'm gonna ask you a question. I'm gonna ask you a question. We can't really ask her like what happened and how it occurred. Wow. Well, how can I help? So I guess my question for you,

originally it was gonna be, how do I tell my father? My sister and I went back and forth on how to tell him, if we should tell him. We did end up telling him, which is why I kind of delayed talking with you. But now my question is, is the individual that is my actual grandfather and my dad's dad is alive.

And he pretty much has said, like, I don't want anything to do with the situation and he won't speak to anybody. So I'm thinking like, I have his address to my sent him a letter and kind of just reach out and ask him some questions and see if he responds or you didn't reach out already. No, we found his address. Um, my uncle's pretty good at finding stuff and he was able to find this man's address. He's 90 still living. Uh, he's actually in California. So on the other side of the country for me, he's 90.

Yes. So did he, he reached out and was like, I'm good. I don't, I'm not that interested. So we actually didn't reach out to him nor did he reach out to us. Uh, this actually all came about because a random woman from another state reached out to me on Facebook and said, Hey, I think I'm your half aunt. And from that she's been in contact with that man's son. So he actually had a whole family.

Like he got married, had two kids with another woman and like settled down in California back in the sixties. And then come to find out he has three other children that he had in my state in the East coast before he went over to California. It's a lot. Okay. And so I'm still a little confused by how your, I guess, grandfather.

Right. Your biological grandfather found out and then how you heard that he was. Uninterested in having any type of involvement in the story. I'm definitely happy to go into all of those details. It's a lot, but I just wanted to give me the short, give me the short version. Short version. A woman reached out said I'm her half niece. Yeah. From there, she starts exposing some information to me that kind of made sense from when this individual, the guy. So that's how you, is that how you found out not through the DNA test?

So I've been locked out of my testing app for about four or five years. I was, it was my college email. I didn't have access to reset my password. So I actually haven't been into my account. Gotcha. And then this woman just recently did a test and she found me and she was like,

I don't know who this person is. She reached out to me from there. It all kind of snowballed because my sister did a different DNA testing app. And she saw she hadn't been in her app for about three years either because once you get your results and you kind of see everything, you kind of don't go back and look. There really was no reason for us to we didn't have any questions or anything. She saw that there was a half uncle and then somebody with a 28% match, which the 28% matches the grandfather.

So that's kind of how we put everything together and piece it together. And this woman talked with this guy's son that he had with his wife. When you say this guy, like you mean your biological grandfather? Yes. So my biological grandfather had two sons to his current wife

and the one son actually saw me on his DNA testing and this woman that reached out to me, my half aunt is who reached out to the son and said, hi, I think I'm your half sister. I believe you have other, you know, family through this and I just wanted to see like what is going on. Can you talk to your dad, meaning my biological grandfather,

can you talk to him and ask him, hey, does he know anything about these two families? Does he know about the other children he has? And the son of my biological grandfather reached out to him and he was like, those names mean nothing to me. I don't talk about Pennsylvania. And that's it. He wouldn't speak about it. He's being very shady. So he has more than one. He has more than one quote unquote, illegitimate child. So my half aunt who reached out to me, she's actually a twin.

And then it would be my father. So he had three illegitimate children, two married women in the 60ies, picked up and moved to California and then had a family. Okay. Wow. Yeah. It was a lot. It all snowballed pretty quickly too.

I was, I was intrigued. I imagine those DNA tests revealed this quite often. Yeah. I, I, I was surprised, uh, that this may have never been a topic that you've covered because I feel like I can't be the first person that found this out, but, uh, it was a little bit more of a surprise for our family given the circumstances because we didn't think that my grandma was cheating on my grandpa back that far. I think the difference between now and then is no one talked about shit back then.

Yeah, that's true. But I think a lot of things went down. So you're trying to figure out what to do next basically? Yes, so right now my dad's actually getting the DNA testing done for himself so that way he can see it all kind of match up for his own because right now it's just based off of my sister and I's accounts.

So he's like weirdly embraced this? Yes, because here's the other kicker. So he's one of three, He was the first of his siblings, first born. And come high school age, infidelity was common between my grandpa and grandma, which is what led to their divorce. So it really like it took him by surprise. And he's obviously sad that his dad isn't his biological father, but he also said like, this man raised me, he's my dad. And he's my dad 63. So at this point in his life, he's like, if I were your age, you know, 30, you know, young, I might reach out and like try to mend things.

But he said at this point with my mother passed, which my grandmother is passed away, no way of us really figuring out like what happened. So that's why he's been pretty chill about it, but definitely no interest in speaking to his biological father. But I, on the other hand, I'm kind of just curious. And curious about what? He, apparently he's hard of hearing. So it's not like I can try to call him or talk to him on the phone. I'm obviously not going to hop on a plane and fly across the country either. So I was just kind of curious to, you know, write a letter and just see if he would respond first and just see if he would even be willing to respond. And then also just kind of ask him if he'd be willing to tell us what

happened. He, according to his son, he said that he's a reformed Catholic, he's very religious, he is on the straight and narrow. He got out of the military back when all this happened with my grandma and the other woman. You know, he was sowing his oats in Pennsylvania after he got out of the military. So in his up in his mind, he just had a little bit of fun. And then he picked up and moved out west. This is his son's version of events? Yes. Okay. And that's what he's, I guess, said growing up. Like, oh, I moved back to my hometown and then I picked up and

moved to California. But I guess I would like to kind of confront him and be like, you know, consider yourself this religious straightener person, but now these things are coming up. And, you know, I would just like to know like, what was your relationship with my grandmother? You know, was it a long period of time could potentially anybody else know or in just in general, see if he'll respond because he's not being very responsive in general with this news. Okay. Who else is as curious as you? I think my sister is, I think we're both kind of like mad because of how shady

he's being with it. It's definitely not bugging my dad as much. My mother is a little bit just torn up because my dad's not considering not telling my grandpa. So my non-biological grandfather, my dad doesn't know if he wants to tell his father that this came out. He's still alive. Yes, he's in his 80s. He's healthy. It's not like we would be worried's in his 80s. He's healthy. It's not like we would be worried about. Why is your mom upset about that? Cause she thinks he deserves to know

cause he's like the true victim in this. If he didn't know that she had an affair. And what good is gonna come of that? Yeah, I mean, that's kind of what we said. My mom thinks that he should know. I kind of go back and forth on it. Why does your, but like, when people say stuff like that, I just want to know the why, right?

Like the principle of it, like, is that it? Like, because the, like, who, who are we? Like at this point, I think we, I think it's important to think about the outcome of these decisions and the why we're doing these decisions. I don't think curiosity is a very good reason. And what I'm hearing is that there's a lot of people not really involved in this story directly

are the most curious about this story. It is a fascinating story. And I just think sometimes a lot of people are close to a story, but not really involved in the story. And sometimes when we're close to a story by proxy, because the people who are really involved are people we care about, whether friends, family, things like that, we have a way of convincing ourselves

how important it is to us. But like sometimes I think deep down, we just kind of like the drama. I would agree with that. I think that's a little bit like the drama. I would agree with that. I think that's a little bit of where I'm coming from is I kinda wanna poke the bear a little bit with him just because he's being less than cooperative.

But yeah, I mean that's a good point. He's 90 years old. I mean, if I'm being honest, what I'm hearing for you is, I don't know if I should harass this 90 year old man or not. When you put it like that, I mean, yeah, that's kind of, that kind of sounds bad. I mean, this is like a strong chance that this man doesn't remember.

Forget about, let's assume that his cognitive abilities have not declined. Especially if he was any kind of playboy. I don't remember every date I've been on. I'm only 40. Do you remember? I guess, I feel like it's a little different because they were married.

They were both married women that had houses. The one actually had another child. That was like 65 years ago. Yeah, yeah. It's been that long. Again, good point. Then there's the whole added part that maybe his cognitive abilities

aren't where they used to be. And like, you wanna track this old man down only to find. You have no idea whether his version and how accurate his version's going to be. Yeah, that's true. I mean, he, again, and he could easily lie as well, because without a grandma alive. Or just, he's 90 years old.

Yeah, that's true. So it's really not worth it in the end, especially if it's not my father that's wanting to raise my father. And then you're the grandfather you know, you're the man who raised your father. I definitely don't think it's your mom's decision to decide who should know and what's right in this situation.

Why crush this man's spirit? Why in his 80 years of life, why bring him news that can only bring him sadness? If your dad wants him to know, then that's your dad's business because there's that direct relationship there and he can decide. If your dad doesn't feel compelled or wanna tell them,

I think everyone around your dad should definitely respect that because I don't know what the principle is here. Like I don't know what the right thing to do is. There's no right thing. There's no clear answer. And like, I don't think it's your mom's place to decide he should know. I really don't. I agree. And she is leaving it up to my father. I think she just may be putting a little bit of undue pressure on him to maybe tell him just because of the fact that he... Why?

I mean, like what, and again, what's the outcome that she is, you know, usually, you know, listen, like again, sometimes, you know, sometimes we have to push our loved ones to make difficult choices that in the short term, you know, might cause temporary pain or sadness, but there's hope in the long term that this is the right decision and we will work through this. You know, like, if again, like maybe your friend is being unfaithful to their partner and you're just like, hey, you can't keep doing this

and you're, you know, he needs to know or she needs to know or whatever it is. And yeah, there's a lot of decisions here, but again, who's working on anything at this point? What is the resolution here? What is this going to bring anyone? I'm not seeing any upside. And again, and I don't think anyone should be

pressuring your dad into making a decision that right now his instincts are telling him he shouldn't know. And I don't think your mom's in a place to decide what's best for your grandfather. And it honestly sounds like you guys are like kind of caught up in the drama of it all in the story and it's you know it's fascinating and but what does it change? It doesn't change the memories, the history, it doesn't change your relationship with your grandfather. It's just it's information and the and the reality is is before

this you know 23andMe and answishview.com and all these is is before this, you know, 23 and me and anstressview.com and all these DNA tests, it's like, you know, sometimes ignorance says bliss. I mean, I don't know. Information's only useful if there's something to do with that information. Yeah, I'd say my grandma was alive. I feel like it would have gone a little bit differently, but with her being passed, I agree with you. I think that this was just information, A, we weren't looking for, and B, we really didn't need. I guess it's kind of, I'm just the weird type of person to think about the fact that, you know,

I definitely, I don't know what half my genetics are. So like anything medically that could potentially come up. Like, I'm not saying that this matters. I just know like that's where it kind of, now that the dust has settled, that's where kind of now that the dust is settled. Well as far as my head is. Yeah well listen like nothing's like first of all your your grandfather's in his 80s this other man's in his 90s like first of all I'm guessing they're not very online. You probably don't even have to wait if you want to connect with this aunt or

or these other people. If you and your sister want to discover these things with the all the other family members involved, but I don't think you need to like bother this old man who doesn't want to be bothered. I don't think you need to drop this bomb on your grandfather when your dad's instincts are that he doesn't need to know. But everyone else involved, if you guys want to meet up for coffee and write letters and Facebook each other and maybe just share information and then maybe connect with people who are biologically related to you. And if you wanna guys to develop relationships

by all means, I don't think you really need to impact these elderly people and kind of take them to task for something that happened 65 plus years ago when it's not really going to bring anyone any joy or resolution. And again, like if your dad decides he wants to do something that is your dad's prerogative and everyone, you know, you can still be curious and you can still learn, you know, and it doesn't require you harassing old people. Yeah, I appreciate that.

And I needed to hear that because I've been going back and forth. I really didn't make my mind up yet. But yeah, I think that you're right and kind of just calling it what it is and not reaching out to at least, again, my biological grandfather. And yeah, with whatever my dad chooses with my grandpa, that's completely up to him. I agree. And hopefully if I just talk to my mom a little bit, make sure she's not putting any pressure on him to tell him because at this point, really, like you said, all it's going to do is harm. So I think it's best if we all kind of move forward because a week ago, this, you know, was a little because a week ago, this, you know,

or a little over a week ago, this wasn't even a thing. Like we were all just living and doing our thing. And we've gone back to that for the most part. It's not like anything has significantly changed. Just kind of checking in on my dad on the mental health side, just making sure. Cause you know, when you hear news like that, it just takes a little bit to fully absorb.

And he seems to be doing okay. You guys should be absolutely checking in on dad and not pressuring him to say whatever you need news like that, it just takes a little bit to fully absorb. And he seems to be doing okay. You guys should be absolutely checking in on dad and not pressuring him to say whatever you need. Whatever you want, we support you. That's all your dad should be hearing from your mom and you and your sister. And yeah, if you guys wanna be curious, be curious with the people indirectly involved,

not directly involved. This man's son, if you guys have access to him, maybe you can get more information from him. Maybe you can gently build a relationship with him so that maybe if your biological grandfather keeps on living, maybe he will be compelled or, you know, to pull maybe some information or soften his dad up for, you know,

I think there's just tactful and better ways of doing this than convincing yourselves that you have the right to know and this man owes you the truth and you're gonna knock on his door and lecture him about his religion and call him a hypocrite because he's not willing to own up for his decisions when he was 20. I don't know if that's the move.

Yeah, no, I appreciate that. That's a good perspective, because when you're not in it, yeah, that sounds pretty bad when you put it that way, knocking on a store and bugging him. So yeah, I'll definitely cease from doing that and not even put that in the back of my mind. And I don't think anybody else is either.

Definitely we'll investigate and we'll discover a little bit on the half-manage side. I think you guys can do a lot from the sidelines and I think you can like, you know, you can be curious, you can even have fun with, I don't know, but like, you know, but, you know, also walk before you run. These might, these might be people you have no interest in bringing into your lives, related or not. Like they are. Yeah. I mean, they were strangers up until 10 days ago, so they wouldn't even know they existed. So, you know, just be careful what you wish for.

You know, I would just be very, you know, again, you can discover a lot from the sidelines. I'd just be, take it slow and ask yourself why you're doing this and who you're, and who's it really helping if anyone. And that's fine. If it's just like, you know, it's really not helping anyone. I just want to know because, and like we just need to be more honest with ourselves by our motivations of why we do things. And sometimes for the story or for the plot or for the drama, it's fine, but just make sure that when you're doing that,

your decisions aren't impacting other people negatively. Yeah, thank you. Yeah, I appreciate that. All right. I will take that advice. Okay, well thanks for the call. Appreciate it, Nick. All right, take care. Thank you so much. All right, bye-bye. I will take that advice. Okay, well thanks for the call. Appreciate it, Nick.

All right, take care. Thanks so much. All right, bye-bye. Take care, bye. The show is sponsored by Better Health. People, we've been talking about therapy on this show since it started, and that's because it is important and it helps you maintain a healthy lifestyle.

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makes, especially their bars, is really the ultimate busy person healthy snack. It tastes great. It's good for you. You can't go wrong with IQ Bar. And right now IQ Bar is offering our special podcast listeners 20% off all IQBar products plus get free shipping. To get your 20% off just text FILES to 64,000. That's text files to 64,000. One more time that's FILES to 64,000. Message and data rates may apply. See terms for details. How's it going? Hey, my name is Jack. I'm 37 years old and I wanted to ask your advice about being a new dad. Okay.

Well, congratulations first and foremost. Thank you. How long have you been a dad for? Well, I'm not yet. My wife is pregnant and it's still pretty early. We're just about 10 and a half weeks. So it's going to be both of our first kid. Excited about it. And just kind of wondering what your advice would be as far as being, you know, really supportive to my wife,

during the middle and the end of pregnancy and then into being a new dad. Yeah. What nerves do you have? I mean, I think just in general, it's really scary thinking about having the kid, all the things that could possibly go wrong. I'm a firefighter, a paramedic, so I see a lot of disasters and things like that that could go wrong. And we also unfortunately had a miscarriage a few months back. And I know you and Natalie also went through that. And my wife is extremely anxious, so every little thing she's worried about. It's hard for me to continue. I'm being as supportive as I can

and trying to do as much as I can to help her. Well, just one, keep doing that. I mean, it's obviously, I've learned that, and as I'm sure you are noticing, your experience is gonna be very different than her experience. You know, I don't know what it was like for you when you found out your wife was pregnant the first time

or this time as well. You know, for me it was like one of those things where, you know, sometimes you get news and it's like really exciting. And then like, and then you're like, nothing really changes, you know, it's like,'s like I mean weirdly the only good analogy I have is like comparing it to like when like you find out like I was gonna be like the Bachelor right you know there's this big announcement and everyone's really excited and then but

you don't film for a while so then you know you're like all right well you kind of go back to your normal life and and you have this really crazy news that you know is going to change your life, but that's not happening yet. And as a father, right, there's not, as a mother, she feels her body changing, she feels all these things, she's already feeling connected to this baby. And I think as a father, that happens over time.

Once River was born, the moments in which I found out now that he was pregnant became more meaningful in a weird way. It's like I went back in time in a way, you know? And I think about the time in which I found out now that he was pregnant with River has a stronger memory now that I've met River than when I first found out now he was pregnant, if that makes sense.

I'm more connected to finding out or hearing River's first heartbeat type of thing. Because now I have this tangible child where I feel like Natalie felt more connected to River quicker. I don't know how that's like for you. Yeah, I know that makes sense. We actually have our ultrasound next week to hopefully hear the heartbeat for the first time. So we're very excited about that. That's exciting. She just has been going through the morning sickness and everything like that.

And then all of a sudden it's kind of starting to stop, which for me, I'm like, oh, this is a good thing. Like take the wind, you're not having morning sickness. And she's like, oh my gosh, is the baby okay? And every little thing is so hard. Yeah. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. Because, you know, the, yeah, it's like, well, part of the, is because when, you know, when Nali got sick, when she was pregnant with River, it sucks. And then anyone who, you know, your doctors or anyone who's had a kid before, it's like, Oh, well, you know, it sucks

that you're throwing up, but that's a good thing because it tells you your hormones are working and so, and then when you feel less sick, the first thought is, oh, is there something wrong? The fact that your wife had a miscarriage, again, all you can do is, which, it's a fine line between, I have found a fine line between trying to be as optimistic as possible, you know, like everything's going to be okay or, you know, saying things like, let's just be positive and things like that because you don't want to, you want to allow your wife to feel whatever

she wants to feel and does feel, right? And then there's a fine line between trying to be supportive and letting her know it's gonna be okay versus allowing her to feel what she feels, if that makes sense. There's not a perfect way to doing it. It's just, just try to bring pot, the thing the best thing you can do right now is to bring as much positive energy you can

without being obnoxious about it, right? And so your wife is gonna naturally worry about things, and hopefully a lot of her worries will just be that, just worries about the possibilities of things going wrong once they're natural. And as much as you can is to not invite new worries into her and your brain, right? You know, it's your job to be positive,

even if you're not constantly showing up and being like, hey, it's all gonna be okay. Maybe it's just your attitude is positive. Like, you know what I'm saying? Like, it's not that, you know, like, it's nice to have your partner know of your worries, but I would think right now I wouldn't project any worries that you have towards your wife. You know, if that makes sense.

So I'd start, I'd start there and just like, yeah, whatever you can do to make her life easier, you know, like I, you know, something that I'm, I know Nellie and I are really proud of is that we worked really hard to have a very stress-free and happy environment while Nally was pregnant. And so we really focused on trying to create a calm atmosphere and things like that around Natalie when you know, Natalie when she was pregnant, you know, and I think just try to focus on that. Just keep, you know, whatever you can do to bring the spirits up, to bring positive energy around your wife,

I think will pay dividends throughout the pregnancy and just kind of be, you know, supportive. And then, you know, now that I, we didn't do any classes or things like that, I just really was following her lead. She read a lot of books and she talked to a lot of people. And I guess I just try to be supportive and it seems like you're doing that.

And then once your child's born. Yeah, what are the things I should absolutely be doing to help her out? Well, I mean, your out, you know, once? Well, I mean, you know, your job's aside, right? Like I, early on, I tried to be, like I didn't, for me, I did, it was our job to be parents, right? And so Natalie breastfed early on, obviously there's, there's things that are outside of my control. But like I was there to help warm up the breast milk,

if she pumped, I was always cleaning the pumps. I was helping change river. If Nellie had to get up in the middle of the night to breastfeed river, I got up with her and burped river. So it wasn't like Nellie felt alone while I'm sleeping. I never wanted to like... Now granted at the same time, we were very fortunate to... Nellie's mom stayed with us the first six weeks and we're very lucky to have in-laws that are easy to be around. We both

generally think that of each other's parents, so we're lucky that way. So we had a lot of help that I would try... I would say yes to help that you have, as long as you feel like that help is actually helping and not bringing drama and things like that. But if it, you know, say yes to the help that is available to you guys, as long as it is actually helpful. That's what I'm saying. I think luckily we both have very supportive parents. And I think one thing is I'm going to feel probably a little bit of guilt with

my job because I'm gone so much that, you think one thing is I'm gonna feel probably a little bit of guilt with my job because I'm gone so much that, you know, those days I'm gone, I can't really be doing stuff. And it's gonna be a single mom for two out of every six days. That's just the way it is with my work schedule. Yeah, I mean, and every family has to deal with that, right? You know, you gotta provide for your family. I think it just comes down to your challenge is gonna be be is that, you know, when you aren't working,

you'll be tired, right? Right now, when you have your days off, that's the time for you to ideally recoup and relax and recharge, you know, as a new dad, you're going to have to change that mindset. Now, for me, I really enjoyed and embraced being a dad. And so it's not like I was loving waking up in the middle of the night when I had to, but like my mindset was I get to be a dad. I get to take care of my kid. I still get excited. Like one of my favorite parts of every day

is waking up and grabbing River out of the bed and changing her and starting her morning and letting Natalie sleep in a little bit. And I just love greeting my daughter, you know? And is there times where I'm tired or crabby? Sure, but like I really just, my mindset is I get to do this, you know? And I think, you know, parenting is hard.

You're gonna have moments where you're gonna kind of feel like you haven't really had a moment to yourself, you know, like you haven't really had a time to just like check out or whatever. But for me, what stops me from feeling fatigued or you know feeling like this isn't fun or whatever is to have the mindset that this is all very fun, you know. I was actually talking to Natalie the other day, because Natalie, River's at the age now where it's really getting exciting, right?

So she's a little over a year old. She's walking, she's saying hi, dada, hi, mama. She's starting to talk a little bit. She's figuring out her words. You're seeing her personality, right? And it's a lot of fun. And that made me, I was thinking about the other day, and I told Nellie, it kind of made me sad.

And what made me sad was, is that now that I'm really seeing this personality of hers and the way she interacts with us in this moment today, you realize just how special and unique that is, right? That this hi-da-da thing she says eventually is gonna be, hi dad, she's gonna learn how to talk, you know? So these cute little quirks that she has as a baby will evolve as she matures and grows, right?

And it made me think about all these mornings I've had with my daughter. When she wasn't talking, you know, these little subtle things that your child is going to do, every day is going to be different. And I really encourage you to try to, people talk about being present and things like that. And I'm on my phone as much as the next guy. And Natalie and I do a good job of challenging each other to be present, stay off our phones.

We all have distractions in our life our life but I would really just embrace that right just embrace all the moments whether it's you know a poopy diaper or whatever your baby's crying whatever it's all just great it's all just cool stuff right because you get to it's like a surreal feeling when you have your kid too because like you know it's yours you know your your wife had because you know it's yours, you know your wife had this baby, and then when the baby comes, you're like, holy shit, how did this happen?

It's so fucking crazy. It's like this crazy thing. But you already seem to, the fact that you are excited that you're a dad, and you're calling to ask how you can help, you're already a step in the right direction. So I would just lean into that and just really just be involved

because it really like, it really, you don't get those, I mean, it sounds as cliche as it is and everyone, you know, as soon as you have your child, everyone's gonna be like, it goes by fast, it goes by fast and it really does. Like I'm never gonna have that moment back with my daughter when she was six months old, right? And she was like a different child than she is today,

you know? And maybe, hopefully we'll have more children, but like it's a really special time. And like literally every day is like, you know, she is such a sponge right now of learning and growing that like I would just be as present as possible and just be available to help. And then check in with each other. I think that's something Nellie and I always could work on and do a better job. I think every couple can. I think sometimes it's just as couples, it's very easy to

go through the motions day to day, but just ask of ask, how you doing? How you feeling? Anything I can do to help. Sometimes it's just checking in emotionally with your partner and just saying, like that, just checking in with your wife on her feelings about things and how she's doing emotionally, I think is always helpful. Asking anything I can do to help.

Certainly trying to anticipate ways that you can help her. You know, like I definitely more than anything early on is to try to have her not to ask for things, you know, to just be part, like get to know her routine. Like your is as present as I am as a father, like as a mother, there's just things that now like it's the details that Natalie like pays better attention to than I do like she's she again She's following all the other mom influencers. She's learning these little things and these little tips and tricks that like I just You know, I don't know. I just I don't instinctually go to to learn that stuff But pay attention to what your wife learns, right?

show an interest in what she is learning and try to learn with her, right? So then you can anticipate what your child is going to need. Don't play into the stereotypes of like, I'm the dad and you're the mom and these are mom jobs and these are dad jobs. Like I just never really, you know, to me, I was like, I could take, I, by the time, other than like, you know, well, Nali was pumping, but like from the moment my child, River was born, like I felt like I could take care of my child on my own.

Like I didn't, you know what I'm saying? It wasn't like I wasn't some helpless dad if Nali wasn't around, you know? I knew how to heat the breast milk. I knew how to like, you know, to feed River. I knew how to heat the breast milk. I knew how to feed River. I knew how to change her. I was okay. And I took great pride in being like, yeah, if Nally, a couple months after she had River, if I wanted her to be able to get out of the house, if her and a friend wanted to get a cup of coffee or something, I wanted to give her a break when she could take a break.

Usually she didn't want to take a break, she just wanted to be by her baby. But I wanted to make it easy for her to do that. And so like you mentioned, two days out of the week, she's going to be a single mom. Well, when you're there, just all those things of just making life easier on her and just sharing in the joy of parenting together. And I think that's the thing that Nell and I

really enjoy doing it is like, we just love doing it together. We really are a team, you know? And so yeah, there'll be moments where you can't help, but there's gonna be plenty of moments when you can, right? And just no one really, there's no job, you know? You guys just both do it. You guys will grow into your roles

of like what you enjoy doing more than she might do or like just certain ways that you can help. Like the days in which you're off, maybe that's when you get up to, you know, wake up with your baby and let your wife sleep in a little bit, you know, just like little things, you know, and just as your child gets older, just, you know, and enjoy it, but is it, is any of this helpful?

Yeah, absolutely not. It makes it even more exciting thinking about that now. And I think, you know, making sure to be present and appreciate all those times that I'll have with my kid. And I think me and my wife do have a really good relationship, so we'll be able to check in with each other. And we do, we're a good team. We enjoy being with each other.

That's awesome. Yeah, I mean, intrusive thoughts are definitely a real thing, man. And like you said, as a paramedic and a firefighter, you see a lot of things that people, fortunately, don't have to. And as someone who myself has had a relatively charmed life when it comes to avoiding real tragedy or stuff like that,

I can tell you, you still have intrusive thoughts. It's scary, because once you have this child, you really just, all you wanna do is make sure it's protected so you're thinking of all the ways that things can go wrong. Try your best not to do that, right? Like pay attention and being know, and being active and, you know, a good parent.

But like you don't wanna bring added stress into your house that you don't need to because that's more than anything, you know, just right now it is about creating a Zen environment for your wife, you know? And the only challenge you have is finding that balance between not dismissing your wife's feelings because if she's feeling anxious and nervous

about a fear that she has, to just try to gently bring her out of that fear rather than dismissing her fear, if that makes sense. You know, acknowledging the fear, hey, I have those thoughts too, but let's try to focus on the pot. We have a lot of positive things here and just create that Zen environment. I would be very good at setting boundaries when it comes to anyone or family or friends

or otherwise of just anyone who brings in negative energy or intense energy. I'd be very quick to just be the... Right now it's your job to protect the peace in your household, whatever that is. And setting that boundary of anything or anyone who brings anything but peace into your home to make sure that you are keeping that out. Because right now it's about just creating

a very peaceful environment for you and your wife to grow your child and have your wife enjoy the pregnancy. It's still very early. Your wife will go through all these phases in the pregnancy, but you want to create a nice environment for her, make her feel relaxed, especially now. Anytime that she can, whatever she likes to do, she likes taking a bath or whatever, just as much as she can relax and enjoy this time, the more she will appreciate it. Like, and you'll be in good shape.

Awesome. Yeah. Thank you so much. Thanks for talking to me. And I want to say I'm a long time listener and I've gone through some pretty bad relationships in the past where I've wanted to call in and ask your advice, but I've always kind of known what you would say. And I've listened to some other, uh, asnick colleagues and I've listened through some pretty bad relationships in the past where I've wanted to call in and ask your advice, but I've always kind of known

what you would say and I've listened to some other asinic callers that have had similar situations and it really led me to where I am today, which is a really great place. It's awesome to hear, man. I appreciate you. Yeah, I appreciate you saying that and it's awesome to see a young father

and I hope, yeah, I mean, I really appreciate you saying that and it's great to see you embark on this journey and I'm wishing you and your wife nothing but the best and obviously the fears of a miscarriage are real, but just stay positive and the good news is, is what I hear from doctors, your guy's ability to conceive sounds like pretty good that's always the biggest hurdle when it comes to people who want to become parents are very challenging for a lot of people to conceive you guys don't seem to have that issue and. Just keep the faith and you guys will figure it out but just protect your peace more than anything be involved with each other.

Just protect your peace more than anything. Be involved with each other. Be supportive. Let each other know. Be each other's biggest cheerleader. Let your wife know that you're proud of her. Let her know how good of a mom. Even now, she's a mom, right? Your wife feels like a mom right now.

And let her know how good of a mom she is as she takes care of herself and your child. Just really support her, make her feel good, allow her to feel, allow her to, you know, and help her through her anxiety without dismissing her feelings. Absolutely, yeah. We feel really blessed.

We're both, we're the same age. We're both 37 and we were worried that it might be a little bit harder to get pregnant. And yeah, we're very blessed that we're in this situation right now. So congratulations wishing you guys nothing but the best. And I hope for a very positive update in the future. Yeah, absolutely.

Nick, I got one more question for you. That's completely different topic than this. Uh, I'm a big football fan, huge Philadelphia Eagle fan. You're a big Packer fan. Uh, obviously we beat you a couple of times. So sorry about that. No, congratulations. Why do you guys hate the tush push so much

trying to get a ban? You know, because it does seem like a cheap play. Yeah, the Packer fans are really catching some heat right now. I'm kind of with most people where it's just like, you know, if you got to stop it you know before you know it kind of I don't know I see both sides it does seem like it like it's it seems like kind of a gimmicky play I will say that but you

know they have to find ways to stop it you know so I'm not upset that it didn't seem like it got banned and I don't know but it didn't seem like it got banned. And I don't know. But it is irritating on fourth and one when you know that like, man, they're just gonna get, it's like an automatic first down. But you're right though, like other teams can't do it as effectively as the Eagles. So it's not like, if everyone can do it,

they would, so to speak, right? Exactly, yeah. So, well, enjoy the Super Bowl win when you guys have a good thing going. I hope to, I hope to, uh, I mean, I've, I've seen the Packers win two Superbowls in my lifetime, so I'm more fortunate than most, but it's been a while. So I'm, uh, I need them. I need them to win one soon, but I'm glad you won, man. I do think that that did you think, did you think the playoff game with the Packers,

did you think that was really a fumble on the opening kickoff, or did you think they got lucky with that call? Because it sure seemed like he was down and got the ball back. Also seemed like an illegal hit. Unfortunately, I didn't get to see that game live. I was actually down in California for the fires, helping out doing the LA fires down there in Malibu. But I did see the replay of that,

picked up that play. It's hard. It's hard to say. But yeah, I mean, I think it probably could have gone. Yeah. All right, man. Well, thanks for the call. Congratulations on being a father. Thank you for helping with the fires in Los Angeles and thank you for your service and thanks for listening man and best of luck going forward Yeah, absolutely. Thank you so much. All right. Take care The rumors are true push-up brawls are back and better than ever I've been seeing the viral skims ultimate bra all over my feet and had to try it out for myself Because we all know that after I had that baby that my boobies are down to my ankles. And thank God for the Skims Ultimate Bra, because now they're up to my chin,

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Hi, it's going good. My name is Marie and I'm 33 years old and I'm wondering how I get unstuck from a relationship. Okay, tell me about the relationship you feel stuck in. Okay, sorry, I'm a little nervous. It's okay, take a breath. Okay, so about a year ago, I met a guy on a dating app. It went really well. I felt like I had worked on myself a lot for about six months, was ready to like finally fall

in love and meet the right person. First date went great. We even talked about possible couples therapy on the first date. Why? Because so I brought up, I'm very like trying to bring up deal-breakers early, but it felt very natural when I first saw him. And then I brought up how I plan on going to school and if that's a problem for him, he brought up how he got divorced. So I was asking how long ago.

And then like later on I asked him more about his divorce and he said something about, Oh, I just didn't work out because we like got married too young. And I said, well, did you ever try couples therapy? And he said, yes. And he's like, I love that you asked that question. Like I would want that in a future partner and stuff like that. So I was like, Oh, okay, green flags. So fast forward, we dated for 11 months, met his family. He is from England. So I flew

to England, met his family. We even went to Paris for a weekend. He met my family, came to my brother's wedding, very like asking like, where are you at? Where are your feelings at? Et cetera. He was always very reassuring. I felt very respected, considered, loved in the relationship, but about five months in, I brought up my feelings, because he hadn't said, I love you yet, and I hadn't said it either, but I was feeling those feelings.

So I brought that up, because we were just about to go to England to meet his family, and I just wanted to know where he was at, and he said that he just wants to be really sure when he says that. And I found out more about his divorce. He got kind of screwed over financially.

She didn't want to go to therapy, stuff like that. So I was like, okay, that makes sense. And he's like, I said, so you just want me to be patient? And he said, yes, just be patient. So when we go to England, he says, I feel closer to you. Like everything is just going great. So much so that I was moving cities and he was actually planning on moving to the same city. We started dating about an hour, like we were living about an

hour apart. And then I moved about two hours away from him. And then he followed eventually, because he was waiting on his house to sell when he sold his house. I said, you know, why don't you just stay with me for a little bit because he was trying to buy another house. And so he said, oh yeah, that's a great idea. We can like see how that goes. Looking back, it was not a great idea, but just because he hadn't said I love you yet and I was just like, I don't know. It was supposed to be temporary.

And then when he did move in, everything went great to where when he was looking at houses, he was considering me moving with him into his new house. And I don't know, so fast forward, he goes to Thanksgiving with me, with my family, goes to Christmas with me, with my family. And then after the new year, he got distant and I brought up, hey, I feel a little disconnected from you right now,

something I've learned from your show to ask. And he was like, yeah, I actually think we're a little too comfortable and too complacent. And I'm like, okay. What does that mean? Exactly, I was just like, what do you mean? And he was like, I think like, cause at that point he was like, well, this was supposed to be temporary. And now we're talking about me

staying here, because he had put in an offer on a house, and it didn't work out. So then he was going to stay with me till my lease was up. And then we were going to move together. Okay. And I said, basically, like, okay, and he's like, Well, this was supposed to be temporary. And you kind of pressured me into moving or like staying here. And I said, No, I just expressed how I felt. And I was excited. And I thought things were going well. And you expressed the same thing back is what how I took that he's like, Oh, yeah, you're right. And I was like, Okay, and so he was just getting like, a little distance. And then I said, Well, do you think you can get there? Like saying like, I love you. Cause this had become like a little bit of a topic.

And then he had always said like, absolutely. Yes. Even before he put an offer on the house after that. He said, absolutely. And now he said, I don't know. So then I was just like, okay. And started freaking out and I don't know. So then we talked over the next few weeks and it led to us breaking up. And I told him like, okay, well, what do you think love is

like the next day? And then he couldn't really tell me. So I said, well, maybe I said, are you still going to therapy? And he said, no. And I said, well, why did you stop? You know, you got divorced. And I found out a lot more about his divorce in this conversation and like things that he wasn't necessarily like upfront with me about. And he was like omitting. What were some things that you discovered? So originally when I asked him on the first date, how long ago, how long ago did he get divorced?

He told me six months, which was not true. And then he did like backtrack on that date and said like, Oh, well, the paperwork was filed later. But it turned out it was about three months from her moving out of the house. And then us going on our first date and the paperwork was filed like a few weeks before we went on our first date. So that's a big difference than being like six months. And he said they had problems for years. But then I also found out that they were trying for a baby right before they got divorced like months before and like she had a miscarriage and all of this so I was just like obvious and I asked him on our first date are you healed from all of

that and he said yes and I was like well obviously you weren't like I said that I feel like you have a mental block from saying I love you like I don't know so he said he was gonna go back to therapy therapy and I went to my therapist and she recommended a couples therapy. I brought that up to him and he said, well, let me go to my therapist for a couple weeks and I'm not saying no, but I just want to like, but at this point, you guys are technically broken up. No, not yet. He was just saying like, he, we talked about it.

And he said, I did a couple of things that reminded him of his ex. So he just kind of like shut down. Do you know what those things were? Yeah, it was me asking him about, he wanted to go to this festival and I had to work that day and he was going with some friends. And I said, well, who are the friends you're going with?

Are they guys or girls? Cause I was trying to get that day off. So I was just trying to like see if I could go. Well, he got really weird. And then he said, well, it's just the guys from the gym. And I was trying to get that day off. So I was just trying to like see if I could go. Well, he got really weird. And then he said, well, it's just the guys from the gym. And I was like, okay. And I was like, so no girls are going, like you don't want me to go.

And he said, well, yeah, I just kind of want to go with the guys from the gym. And I said, oh, okay, no problem. Like I was trying to get the day off because I wanted to go. But so like things like that, I guess his ex was like an anxious avoidant where she would make him feel bad for like going out,

but wouldn't want to spend time with him when he was home. But like also like, but, but it was just the guys you found. It wasn't like you realize that some girl was coming along to this. No, no, no, it was just the guy like. Then what his problem, he just didn't like that you asked the question. Yeah, he just, he thought I was being like jealous.

I don't know, it's just like little things. I mean, that's a fair question. It's just like, yeah, if it's just gonna be the guys or the girls, like, I mean, even now today, if now he's going out with friends, I'm like, is it just gonna be the girls or are the boyfriends coming? Cause if it's, if the boyfriends are coming,

then maybe I'll come. If this is the girls, I don't need, go have fun with your friends. I think he was projecting what was and like being triggered from his past Okay, because I was like I agree. That's a fair question and we talked about that and he said oh I feel better So then we try to work on it, but he was still living with me while he was trying to move out So the problem was like I was asking like hey like I just need a little reassurance Like you can't say you love me

I just need to know you still want to be with me and work on this." And he just was getting more distant and weird. And then we had a date night. And at the end of the date night, I don't know, I just felt like things were off. So I was like, he's not a words of affirmation guy. And I'm very much like, I need to hear it, especially like when you show it in all the other ways, but I need to know what you're thinking. Right. So I was like, Well, can you tell me something to love about me like in a joking funny way, like we're watching TV. And then he just like kind of got weird and was like, Don't you're being ridiculous. And I was like, Why is that ridiculous? And he just like kind of laughed and was being silly, but saying like that's ridiculous. And I said, No, it's not. And I said, I'm really

struggling. Like, I just want to know like you care. And then he instead of talking to me, he got up to the other side of the room, and was like extremely distant. And then that was the night where I was like, okay, like we're, we're having a real issue. And so then I said, I need space, like, clearly you need space. And then the week after he went out of town for work for a week. So it gave us that space. And it just like felt like very matter of fact and weird. And so when he came back, I basically told him like, hey, like, either we go

to couples therapy and like, figure this out and like have a guideline on how to like take this slow, or we break up because I'm not gonna sit here and wait around for you to figure out what's going on in your head. Like if you're not keeping me in the loop because he was basically asking for distance but it was like indefinite distance where I was like, I can't do that.

So technically you kind of ended the relationship. Yeah, technically I ended it, but he said he doesn't have the capacity. Like he said, I can't do it and didn't want to go to couples therapy, said it was too early for couples therapy, which makes no sense. He said he wanted to do preventative couples therapy on our first date. I was like, it makes no sense.

I mean, yeah, it's not about it making sense. He just, he changed his mind, you know? Yeah. How long ago was this his mind, you know? Yeah. How long ago was this where you guys broke up? So he moved out January 25th, so it was about two months ago, little over two months ago. And you've been struggling ever since?

Well, so when we broke up, when he moved out two days later after we decided to break up, and at the end of it, I said, okay, from my understanding, I have offered to take things slow with you. I've been okay with you moving out. I've been okay, from my understanding, I have offered to take things slow with you. I've been okay with you moving out. I've been okay.

I just wanted to go to a couple of seropents and see if we can work on this, but you don't have the capacity for that and I'm not going to wait around, so we're broken up. I said it like that, very matter of fact. I was trying to be very matter of fact that day. I hadn't cried. I was just helping him get his stuff out. And he just started bawling, crying and then said that he hopes this will work out for us later and that we're too compatible for this to not work out.

Because we're both very happy in the relationship. This came out of nowhere. It's just he felt pressure or whatever. I don't know. Like he doesn't even know. And so that's kind of how he left it, which just basically like, you know, It's just he felt pressure or whatever. I don't know like he doesn't even know and So that's kind of how he left it was just basically like, you know I hope we can be together later and I said like well I have to respect myself and I'm not gonna wait around for you. And then obviously that messes with your head

Have you heard from him much in the past two months? Yeah, so about a week after he took all our pictures down from Instagram. So then I was like, okay, that's a very different signal than what you're telling me on. Yeah, but like, it's not, I mean, that stuff is dangerous to read into. But yeah, so then, but I called him over it because I was just, and then, so then I just said, okay, I'm moving on. Because I was just like, what's the purpose of this? So I didn't like go crazy thinking about it. And then about a month later, I had a package sent to, I hadn't gotten in his mail for weeks and then all of a sudden I have a package for him that he sent to

me on accident, like not sure if it was on accident or not. So then I was trying to do 30 days, no contacts. So I didn't even tell him about the package. And I was like, maybe I'll just keep it. It's like a wall paddle. It was trying to do 30 days without the contact. So I didn't even tell him about the package. And I was like, maybe I'll just keep it to pick a whole paddle. It was addressed to you? No, it was addressed to him. So I was just like, I'm gonna wait till 30 days

and I'll probably reach out and sell him my house paddle. So then he reached out to me a few days later and was like, hey, I think I accidentally sent you my paddle. So then I said, okay, yeah, I have it. Like I was gonna forward it to you, but I wasn't sure if it would go to your new apartment or what. He said, well, can I actually come pick it up?

And I said, sure. So he came over to pick it up and I was gonna leave it outside, but I was like, I just kinda wanna see where it's heads out, it's been a month. So when I opened the door, I was very standoffish, but he was like, very happy to see my dog, very happy to see me, asked me how I was. And I just was like, good, and like very standoffish, but he was like very happy to see my dog, very happy to see me, asked me how I was. And I just was like, good. And like very standoffish. And then after

that he texted me and was like, that was really weird. I just want to let you know that I'm really working on myself and going to therapy and this time is healing. And you mean a lot to me. So that didn't make me feel good. You don't need to respond to this. And you mean a lot to me. So that didn't make me feel good. You don't need to respond to this. And then that was like a month ago. So I haven't heard from him since. And you didn't respond to it. No, I didn't. I'm trying to be strong. I don't know. It's just

hard because it's like it'd be different if it's like he's not going to be and he's not working on himself. And I don't honestly like think about it. I'm like, okay, but I don't know if he has a good therapist. I don't know if he's actually going anymore, but it'd be easier if I just know like he is who he is and I can just like move on. But it's just, I just feel like I'm gonna start dating somebody else and he's gonna pop back up.

And I don't know, we just had such a great relationship and I just felt so loved and considered in that relationship, even though he wouldn't say, I love you. And I understand like words of affirmation is your love language, but like- It's one of them. Yeah. Looking back, do you have any regrets on anything?

I don't wanna say it's a regret because if I, like for next time, like I obviously won't let somebody move in with me if they can't say I love you but I'm glad I let him this brought all of this out you know what I mean so if he didn't move in with me early on like I think this would just been more prolonged. You mentioned that before you met him you're really working on yourself was there a you got out of it? Like what caused you to be single for a while and work on yourself? So the last few men I've dated, I feel like I keep attracting are like people that tell me they're ready for something.

And then when we get into it, then they turn out to not be ready. Okay. The last one was only like about a month. So it's like easier when it like happens in the first few months. But I just got really, got way too excited about I'm too early.

Yeah. And so I went to therapy over it because I was like, what am I missing? I was just being like really hard on myself. What did you learn? That I need to give myself grace and that I can't know everything in the beginning. Okay, did you discover anything

about maybe anything that you were doing at all? So like in general, like to attract. Well, I'm just wondering if it's possible that these dating situations you find yourself in with these men who you mentioned like claim to be ready and then you find out that they're not. Is it possible that when you get excited about these men, for example, your most recent ex-boyfriend, you mentioned the first date, you mentioned couples therapy as a preventative if maybe you guys would proceed with your relationship and you saw that as a green flag.

And it's like, you're at that point in your life where you've recognized that maybe you needed to do some work and you needed to reflect on some of your choices, right? And so right now you're trying to be more cognizant of like red flags and green flags and things like that. Maybe in the past you didn't even look for flags. You were just like, do I think they're attractive?

Do they like me? Do I, you know, is there a spark there? I like them, great. And it seemed like that maybe caused some, you know, some there a spark there? I like them, great. And it seemed like that maybe caused some issues in your dating life. Now you're looking for some red and green flags, but now it's like as soon as you find a couple green flags then you give yourself permission

to get super excited about these men. I don't think I got super excited about this one until like five months in. Okay, all right. Because I was very like, let's take it slow. Like he had brought up things like, oh, maybe I'll take you to a wedding with me in England. And I said, well, and that was like maybe two months in and I said, well, let's not think that far ahead. Okay. Like, let's just like focus on getting to know each other. So I feel like this relationship, like I talked to my therapist

about and she said, like, I've done everything I could and I've mitigated all the risks and I took a chance and it just didn't work out. Was that just very frustrating to hear? It's so frustrating. It's just like going forward. It's like, I don't know, I still care so much about this person, but it's like hard to think. Like, I just really thought he was my person. Like I've never, sorry, I just have to like, you know, my voice sounds like that.

I just like have never felt that way about anyone. Where to where I was like, wow, this is my guy, like, he's my equal. I've never like been treated like that great to where I really like, you know, he inspired me and I felt like I inspired him. Like I felt like everything was going great until he just shut down on me. And I don't know. So like, my question is just like, how do I like move forward and consider other people? But it's like, I know it's like time is involved, but it's just, it's really hard when I have this picture

of him popping back up later. You know what I mean? What do you mean by later? Like, I feel like it's always like, how it always goes. Like as soon as you get over somebody or like, write them off, they pop back up, right? Sure. So. Yeah. Part of that is, I don't know.

Part of that is, yeah, I don't know. I don't know. You never use an energy. Yeah, or just bad luck. Or just we manifest that narrative by forcing it. You know, it's like. Yeah. Yeah, people often circle back and things like that.

But for example, let's say you went out and dated and you met a guy you get excited about. Well, again, that would be great because that's another, you know, shows that you can get excited about other people. Great. And so maybe he got wind, you know, if he caught wind of that,

that could potentially spook him and cause him to reach out, period. And then he would say that. I don't want that though. Well exactly, but what I'm saying is, here you are saying, oh, of course, if I start dating, he might reach back out as if just the timing of the universe is unfair, where of course,

as soon as I start like a new guy, he's finally ready to date. And what I'm saying is, in where like, of course, as soon as I start, like a new guy, he's finally ready to date. And what I'm saying is, in that scenario, he's not necessarily ready to date, he just heard that you met someone and knocked on your door out of a panic and then acted like he was ready to date. You know what I'm saying? Like, part of this story with this guy is

him getting out of a divorce, having a hard time speaking openly and honestly about that. Like I'm going to like cut him some slack about like some of the stuff you found out, you know? Yeah. Yeah. You never like hearing that someone wasn't totally transparent and honest, but like, I don't know, like you got to remember on your first date, it's like you're a, you were a stranger type of thing and he's not sure how much he should share and then all of a sudden you guys get serious. I don't know, like saying, you know what I'm saying, like trying to have kids and not,

and then like three, you know, the timing, you know, six months versus a couple months, you know, I'm willing to kind of let that all go in terms of like, be like, oh, I can't believe he lied to you about that. Like, I don't know. Not completely letting him off the hook, but I can see a world where it's just like, it's not as nefarious as it might feel in the moment. Yeah, it just feels like I'm like,

I feel like I was this distraction for him versus like he wasn't ready when I was very clear about my expectations early on. Like I was like very ready to fall in love and find my person. Yeah. And he clearly wasn't. Like he said,

after he talked with therapists the first time when we started having this issue was, I don't think I can fall in love with anybody right now. Like I have a lot of processing to do still. And I'm like, well, that would have been great to know 11 months ago. It would, and I know this is a terrible, you're going to hate this answer, but you know, I, it is what it is.

It's just like, you met a guy who was coming off of divorce and whether it was three months, a month or six months, that's still pretty raw, right? And divorce, I don't know what it's like to get a divorce, but it can be pretty damaging for people and really fuck them up. And, and a lot of, you know, we all, when we experience trauma or disappointment or pain that we have to heal from, sometimes we like to convince ourselves that we're healed before we are.

I mean, part of healing, at least for me, has kind of been faking it till you make it, you know? Just like I kind of had to convince myself I was okay before I was okay, you know? Because I had to like get out there and just stop feeling sorry for myself, you know? So I guess what I'm saying is just like, you know, this is a unique call

because you clearly are someone who really wants to make good healthy choices when it comes to their love life. You're doing the work, you know, you've mentioned like things you've learned from listening to the show. You're clearly trying to implement this and things like that, you know?

But maybe you pushed a little too hard too fast, in a way, I don't know. But I guess if you still care about this guy, and it's like you haven't reached out to him because you're trying to be strong, as you said, and yes, he wasn't at a place, it seemed like he backtracked from things he told you early in your relationship,

but then you kind of got to a point, and I kind of feel like I'm contradicting myself here, but every relationship is different, where it's just like, you know, a lot of times when I have these conversations with people, often women, you know, it's clearly a guy who's, you know, feeding lines, but at the end of the day, you know,

I often say like, he doesn't care. You're not a priority You know, you know, you've heard you say this and you've heard the calls, right? But what you're describing and I'm only hearing your version is a guy who really like has some road Some roadblocks, you know like just as simple as you mentioning your love language or one of your love languages is words of affirmation and that's something that he struggles with. So that's just like a compatibility thing where, you know. Yeah, I think he only struggles with it when it comes to saying I love you.

My therapist said that he's thinking I love, like from what I told her, she thinks that him saying I love you is like signing on the dotted line. Maybe, yeah. Which I brought up to him and I said, I think you're making it too big of a deal than it is. Like too, like you're, you're.

Well, I mean, like in fairness to him, you're definitely making it a big deal. Yeah, but. I mean, it's a big deal to you. It is a big deal. And that is okay, but I'm just saying it either is a big deal to you or it's not a big deal to you. It is a big deal. And that is okay, but I'm just saying it either is a big deal to you or it's not a big deal to you. And if it's a big deal to you,

then it has to be a big deal for him. Yeah, but it brought up him not being ready. You know what I mean? To say, I love you. No, to like, in general, it brought up, he'd said like, this has just been too much too fast and yada yada, but a lot of it was propelled by him. Yeah, I know. I'm sure very unfair. Yeah, I know.

And he was able to tell me how he felt in other circumstances. We did multiple trips. We went to San Diego for our birthdays. And he told me at the end of the trip, I asked him, what was your favorite part? And he said, you know, like this is going to sound cheesy, but just spending time with you has been great, like just being able to like do things and go out and have fun. So like, he can tell me in those ways, he just can't say it for some reason, which is makes me crazy.

Do you think if you didn't bring up this, I love you stuff, you guys would still be together? No, because he got distant. I think. Um, but do you think he got distant. I think, um. Do you think he got distant because he were pushing him on the, I love you stuff? No, I think, cause I didn't bring that up till after he got distant.

Cause I hadn't really brought it up. Like I only brought it up like when we were making big decisions and was like, how are you feeling? I didn't say like, Hey, I need you to say this, like I was just like assessing like and, uh, I need you to say this. Like I was just like assessing like, and I think he got dissent after he put an offer

in on a house and it didn't go that way. And I'm glad like the inspection was bad cause it would have been terrible if I would have moved in with him. Cause I basically told him like, hey, we're about to combine lives. Like, I just wanna know where your feelings are at. Like that we're still on the same page.

And he was like, yeah, literally. So I was thinking he was going to say it soon, just like in a more romantic way, because he's a very thoughtful guy. He leaves me notes, like, my I think what kind of what made him like he went to Christmas with me and my dad made him very uncomfortable. One of the days we were there. How so? So it's kind of like a meet the fuckers kind of situation. So we were all standing around in the kitchen talking and he was like leaning by the counter and we're all like leaning on the counter but he was leaning by this new stove my parents got.

They were like super excited about this stove. They just bought it. They had a stove cover for it which is like wood. It's like a cutting board. And he was leaning on it, I guess. And then my mom was like, Oh my god, the stoves on when he went to the bathroom, and the stove turned on and burned through this new cutting board they were all excited about, like left a mark on the bottom of it. And instead of my dad being like, Oh, no big deal. My dad was like, Oh, my God, we could have set the house on fire and like, went on and on and on about it the entire night and wouldn't let us change the subject and was like, so he had a few drinks and he can get a little obsessive. My dad can be a lot I love him, but he can be a

lot to be around and just made the whole situation very awkward for everyone. And so, and then I made a terrible joke at the end of the night, trying to like lighten the tension with him and he didn't take it well, but we like worked it out and talked about it and everything, but I think after that,

like about a week after that is when he got, started to get like distant and like weird. Yeah. Yeah. And I brought that up and he got, started to get like distant and like weird. Yeah. Yeah. And I brought that up and he said, well, it didn't help, but he didn't say it was the reason. That's probably an honest answer. Probably didn't help.

So it's just more coming back to like- What do you wanna do? Like what, listen, you're, you called in being, you know, stuck, right? And it's funny cause my like, if there's one thing I think I'm good at or one thing I think I probably do the most on this show is helping people get unstuck,

right, people call in emotionally attached to a situation and talk to me, someone who's not attached to their situation at all, and I try to basically offer different perspectives, because when it comes to disappointment, heartbreak especially, family drama, like we just, we get committed to outcomes. We can't see our blind spots. We don't realize how much we're ruminating. And, you know, as someone who is a professional ruminator and a worrier

and often was stuck in my own bullshit, that's one thing I got good at is helping myself get unstuck and as, and me doing the work on myself more than anything, if I could sum up what I've gotten good at is to not ruminate over things that I can't control and I can get myself unstuck faster than I usually could. So for you, it's like right now that why I'm having, I think probably a hard time helping you is because it's unclear what you want right now.

Because on one aspect, I think you're doing everything you can, right? It's clear that you are trying to make good, healthy decisions. You are trying to accept the fact that while you care about this man and there's a long list of things that you really like about this man,

he couldn't give you what you needed emotionally. And then you found out some stuff that felt like some untruths or whatever, and he got distant, and instead of leaning in, he leaned back, and you realized, I can't make you like me, I can't make you want me, I can't make you wanna communicate your feelings with me, so I'm gonna leave, and he didn't chase you.

He didn't fight for you. He just let you go, you know, yeah. And then cried about it. And cried about it. So on one aspect, yeah, I commend you for, from walking away from a difficult situation. And if you really want to get unstuck, you know, the unstuck version of this is to stop second guessing yourself, stop replaying the, you know, the stove top with your dad and wondering if that played

a role or ruminating over what he said in the past that was different than what he said, you know, as the relationship ended, acknowledge that you, you know, while it's hurtful and upsetting, not that it's your fault at all, that getting in a relationship with someone who just fresh out of a divorce, even if it's six months, is a bit risky.

Because we wanna believe that we're healed before we're probably often healed. And that doesn't make it your fault, doesn't mean that you did anything wrong, it just means that like, it just wasn't an ideal situation. Now, there's exceptions to every rule, and you know, like we just said, like the unstuck version is to keep moving forward,

stop ruminating, stop looking back, go out there and date, stop worrying if he's gonna come back because you don't know if he is, and even if he does, you're not going to know if it's any more sincere than what he told you when you first started dating when he was trying to convince himself he was healed from a divorce that he wasn't healed from. You wouldn't be able to believe it anyways and now he didn't fight for you when you were

available and so it'd be easy to assume that he's only inviting for you because you're not available, not because he's healed, right? And so you don't have to worry about being conflicted because again, especially if you met someone you like, then you, right now you can't envision the person you like because you haven't met them, right? And now you are worrying about meeting an imaginary person and then the person you're still kind of in love with

showing back up in your life. And that's why you're conflicted because it's versus someone you don't know who doesn't even exist versus someone you love. And right now that seems impossible, but like you could go on a couple dates, a month from now and You know and be very excited about this person and then he could show up and then immediately you could be like, you know I just you know doesn't actually not that much sad over you anymore because you're more you know

Cuz you just can't predict the future so that that stuff you're worrying about right now You need to just challenge yourself to not you know, it's like you can't predict the future You don't know how to read, you need to just challenge yourself to not. It's like you can't predict the future, you don't know how to read, you're just reading into scenarios and that's just taking up a lot of your energy and that's what's making you stuck, right? So you should, when you're ready to date, date and not worry about a guy showing back up

because A, you don't know if he does and then when he does, again, it'll be very easy for you to like say, I'm not sure if that's what it's all about. Yeah. That'll be that all being said, listen, if you want to, I'm not telling you to do this and there's definitely a price attached to this. If nothing else that attached of like making you feel like you cost yourself a

month of healing or something like that. But like, I mean, I guess my question is to you, do you regret not responding to his last message? Do you ask yourself if you're playing too hard to get? I don't know. Like are those questions that come up? No. Okay. Because I think if I reached out to him, he would just confuse me more. Okay. Well then you have your answer, you know? Thank you. I think I just needed to hear that because it's like I felt like good about it for the first month and then when two months hit, I just like started questioning it

and start going through the grieving process again. So where like I'm like just trying to keep trudging through and moving forward, but it's just like been tough. Yeah. Because you go back and forth in your mind. You just gotta try to control your thoughts a little bit better, you know? And you gotta recognize when you're ruminating

and you gotta recognize when you're just asking yourself unproductive questions, you know? But if you can say, you know, I know I'm making the right decision here, I really don't regret it, then that's your answer, you know? And that's honestly growth. There's probably a younger version of you that would be less confident about that answer.

And if you can answer that confidently, then you have your answer. And it's probably the right answer. Because there's something that's telling you that as much as you love him or care about him and as great as he was, all he is is frustration and a potential time waster. And while you're still really young,

you're in your early 30s, you don't have as much time to waste as you did 10 years ago. And if he really wants to be with you, he knows where to find you. And if he really wants to fight for you, he can fight for you. I think one of the things that's stressing me out

is I'm starting a graduate program this year. And I know I'm not gonna have any time for dating for the next three years. So it was like, what? I mean, you never know right, but I'm gonna be so busy and I'm excited that this Happened before I started the program because I don't have time for like the distraction, but it was just like I don't know He was like very supportive and I was excited to have that support throughout the program. And now it's like, I should do the clock

for the next four years. Yeah, but if you're gonna be that busy, maybe you're not emotionally ready to be in a serious relationship or have the time for it. Or when you're in this program, maybe that'll help you slow down. Because I know your version is like, hey, listen, I did ask and he wanted to take a trip

and I was like, I'm not sure. But like, he still ultimately convinced you to move fast in a way. When you start this graduate program, yeah, you're gonna be busy, but I don't think you need to like be off the grid, you know? And when, if you meet a guy, you can be,

you can use that to your advantage of being someone who like has a lot going on and he'll chase you chase you for awhile. And maybe you just won't, you won't even have the time to move fast, even when it feels exciting and right. And even when it feels all green, lighty and because if you've learned nothing at all, you've learned that feelings change and things that we say in the first six months of a relationship are just more responses to feeling good moments, not necessarily how we feel.

The first, it's like, you have to wait till conflict happens. You have to wait till your parents make your partner feel weird, and then their partner's like, well, if I marry this person, this is, oh, they're gonna be in my life. Or you have to wait till there's an awkward moment,

or there's disappointment, like not getting a house where instead of pulling back, they lean in. That's when you really know. And until that, you don't really know. And I know that sucks and I know it feels unfair, but if nothing else, that will help protect you going forward and you can be very slow with your feelings. People always ask me,

what's the one thing you learned from going on The Bachelor? When I first got asked that question, I was kind of like, that's a stupid question. I was in my 30s when I went, I didn't like drastically change as a person. A lot of my growth that I experienced was in my 20s before I went on The Bachelor. And so I kind of resented that question.

But then I realized, well, that's not true. I did learn something. And I learned that feeling in love doesn't necessarily mean you're in love. Because being on that show is a manufacturer environment, it's designed to elicit strong emotions. And when two people meet, especially when people meet, one coming out of divorce, the other person is someone who,

well maybe they didn't get divorced, but has had their own relationship disappointments. So it's like you both meet and you're both like, you're both commiserating over past frustrating experiences and here you are talking about potentially going to couples therapy and you both sound like enlightened open people and like that can be very exciting and that can make you feel certain feelings.

But like, again, that's not necessarily love. Yeah. Oh, we didn't talk about, we didn't commiserate, I don't think. I'm not saying you did. I'm just saying, all I'm saying is be open to the possibility that when you have strong feelings about someone and you care about them as a person

and they treat you with love and they make you feel loved, well, that is all nice. And maybe you do love parts of them. But again, like the love that, you know, when you say I love you, I'm guessing when we, any of us say I love you and when we fantasize about love, about getting married and having a family, we're talking about a love that is deeper than just, you know what I'm saying? That, that wouldn't cause someone to be able to just leave the way he did, right? Or, you know what I'm saying? So like, while you felt love for him,

it just wasn't ready to be the type of love that you wanted. And I think maybe you accepting that and being a little bit more patient with that and recognizing that you can have strong feelings for someone and it can mean a lot of things, but it doesn't necessarily mean like a deep family love of like truly

being one because that does take time. You can fly across the world to meet their family, you can take trips together but that doesn't necessarily bond two people together. Sometimes that just takes time, sometimes you have to get through adversity together and things like that and you guys never really got a chance to do that. So a lot of what you're sad about is the potential of the relationship. Even though you dated for almost a year it was mostly based off of potential. You saw a ton of potential. All these notes he wrote you, all these nice things, all these green flags were very exciting for you. It made you more excited about his

potential, you know what I'm saying? But it was still all potential. It never was actual things that you could really trust. It was his potential. Yeah. I feel like we did work through like few small things, but nothing like crazy. Yeah. And I always say that just because you don't like, you don't want to get, you know, the problem with, you know, love and heartbreak and disappointment and trying and failing is like you get kind failing is you get burnt out or you feel like nothing's working and you wanna quit and it's just like, it feels unfair.

And that's what I'm saying is having the narrative of, I thought I found him, I really thought he was my person and that didn't work out is like, yeah, it's a sad story. But it's also, a different version of that is yeah, I mean, I definitely got excited. It was a definite bummer, but I got a little caught up and a lot of his great qualities, but I just, I really, I didn't listen to myself

as well as I should that coming out of divorce was a lot for a guy who like had a hard time being completely transparent with all the struggles of his past marriage. You know what I'm saying? So like, yeah, he should have been honest. But also part of that truth is that he probably just had a hard time being honest

because he had a lot of fear of being accepted. Well, he knew, he knew if he was honest about it, I would leave. Like I would be like, okay, you know? Yeah, so, you know, and again. That's what's so frustrating is I feel like guys like. No, we all do. It's not just guys.

We all, we all can, you know, so. But I don't know. I just. I don't know. But my point is what you can learn from that is six months from a divorce, just assume they're not healed. You know, and that's I mean, you can't date these people, but it means you really need to take it slow. And again, hurt people are going to want to convince themselves they're healed before they are.

They're going to want, you know, that's a normal response. But the part that you seem to be the most hung up on and hurt by is the fact that you asked the questions, you wanted to take it slow, and he was the one who says, no, no, no, no, no, I'm fine, let's travel. And that's the part that you seem to be the most angry about and most hurt about. And I say this is something that should help you,

even if it irritates you right now, is that you still played a role in that. And it's not completely his fault. And I'm not trying to blame your fault. I'm just saying you can, these situations are most frustrating when it's like, yeah, that really sucks. There's nothing to learn from that.

That's just bad fucking luck, right? Those are the worst because there's nothing to do from it. And what I'm sensing from you is that is how you feel. But the reality is, is I think there is things you can learn from this, not to beat yourself up and be like, I should have done this differently. I should have done that differently. It's just that it's not just the worst luck possible. It's just, you know, you it cost you a few months that you would have otherwise not want to, you wouldn't have wanted to fall for a guy only to worry about missing him right now. Yeah. I don't regret our relationship. It's just, you know, I've been, I've been getting out there. Like I've been going to volleyball and club and meeting people.

You got, you got this. I've been asked on a few dates. You have this journey, you have this new pro, you know, like you have, you already have a future planned out. Right. And so I just got to get through one more month and I moved away and I'll be a little happy. Well, don't waste this month. Again, my advice to you is to not sit there and try to get through this month.

My advice to you is your life is about to change with this program for the next few years. And as sad as you are about this, do not waste this month by just trying to get through it. I'm not, so I'm going to the beach with my craft today. There you go. But I still, you know, I'm not ready for anything. Well, your big challenge is try not to, like when you catch yourself ruminating,

when you catch yourself second guessing, just know that you are making the right decision as hard as it is, and you don't know what's gonna happen in the future, but for you to take this guy back, he's gonna have to get some through real change and real healing, and that's gonna maybe take some time, some real time, and so, I don't know,

maybe it is a blessing, maybe he won't be healed, he'll be healed right around the time you got out of that program. I don't know. You know what I'm saying? So like. It's. He'll just get to skip the whole thing.

You have to believe. You have to believe that you made the right decision. Yeah. That was the other thing that might've scared him too is me going into the program because he supported his ex-wife through the same exact program. Sure.

Oh, okay. Well, yeah. Yeah. Also, yeah. And it's like, it's, it's when, when, when, listen, like you jump into relationship, you want to be a top priority for your relationship. And when that person, and again, I'm not trying to, like, I'm glad that you're doing this, but yeah, you know, when someone else has a big thing, a project or a job or a school, there is a fear that like this person is, their priorities are gonna change

and I'm not gonna be a top priority. And you know, yeah, that's a legitimate fear for people. But more importantly, you needed someone who was capable of not being triggered by that. Yeah, I asked him multiple times. I know, you gotta get over that. You gotta get over the fact that you asked him and he gave you an answer that ended up not being true. Like you do You gotta get over that. You gotta get over the fact that you asked him and he gave you an answer that ended up not being true.

Like you do have to get over that. That's the part that like, you know, you have to recognize that just because you check in with a partner and then you initially get the answer you looked for, maybe this is something you're not listening to yourself of what's causing you to ask these things. What's causing you to ask these things

is the feeling that maybe they aren't ready or there's a real hesitation. And like, you know what I'm saying? And then you're looking for permission to ignore your instincts by asking them. And then when you get the answer you want, you're like, oh, well I asked. And then you can go back and be like, well I asked them.

And that way is letting yourself off the hook by not listening to your gut. Yeah, maybe, maybe. Maybe. I don't know. Talking to you, you having asked him, that's it. That sets you off more than anything. You're, you get riled up when I.

Yes, because it's my anxiety because I like look for things, but I'm trying to like make sure it's going to work, but for the best feeling. Well, you have to, I think I would listen to yourself more. And especially when it comes to asking people to be honest with themselves about their feelings, if you're compelled to ask, cause you wanna check in, just listen to that a little bit more.

Especially when you're checking in for permission to move things forward, you are letting yourself off the hook and excusing yourself from listening to your instincts because you check in with these men because you have a sense that they're not ready and then they tell you they are through their actions or their words and then you move things forward and then that at some point they get spooked and you're like, but I asked you three fucking months ago, man. And like you told me.

That is exactly true because I saw in the beginning, he didn't take down his photos from his Facebook with his ex and that bothered me. And I talked about it and he finally did like five months in but he was like, oh, I just don't go on Facebook. That was his excuse. See, but again, you knew like you again, you noticed something, it felt off. You asked him about it, he gave you an answer.

It's kind of a bullshit answer, but you would rather believe his bullshit answer. But then he took them down? He finally was like, okay. Yeah, but only because you kind of forced him. Well, because I asked, I just told him how I felt. Sure, yeah, but you know what I'm saying now? That's what, but listen, you met a guy

who got off of a divorce. You suspected he wasn't healed, right? Yeah. There were clear signs he wasn't healed. Instead of accepting those signs and taking it slow, you told him how it made you feel, plus checked in with him. And that makes sense, because you developed feelings. you told him how it made you feel, plus like checked in with him. And since, you know, and that makes sense

because you developed feelings. So then now he's, now immediately he is trying to consider the feelings of this new girl he likes while still trying to consider his own feelings about moving on from this past trauma. And then that's all of a sudden things are cloudy. And now he doesn't know if he's doing it for you or himself or what, you know,

it's just like he's trying to do right by you, right? Or right by himself. And that's the part where you not listening to your instincts and you just saying, you know what? Yeah, I feel a certain way, but like, you know, more than anything, this is telling me this guy isn't healed and I could ask him and I can check in with him, but like, he's just gonna give me an answer

that he thinks I wanna hear and more that he thinks he wants to believe because if he's not healed then he's probably not in a position to like give me the most healthiest and honest answer. So then you tell him how you felt and then immediately now his priorities have changed to making sure you're okay rather than he's okay. That makes sense. That makes total sense. Since I think that's exactly what I needed to hear, honestly. So not that I'll be in the exact same situation again, but if I was in a situation similar, would you just recommend like taking it really slow or

like just being like pressing your instincts and being like, uh. Both. I mean, listen, like, I don't know. Next time you, if you meet a guy who just got out of a relationship, let's just assume that he's not healed. Well yeah, but I just mean in instincts in general. Like, cause usually like, if something comes up,

I try to talk to somebody about it and see how they're feeling. Because I don't wanna like read into something that I don't know, you know? Cause there's always something that comes up. Yeah, you're right, it's a challenge, it's a fine line. But again, a guy who's having a hard time removing photovisors of his ex,

even if divorce, or let's say it was a guy, he's like, you meet a guy, he's not divorced, but he's like, yeah, it was a five year relationship, and we broke up four months ago. It's like, yeah, he's probably fucked up about it. That's five years of his life, it's five years of memories, it's five years. It was eight years. You know what I'm saying?

So that's just like, this man's learning a whole new life. Like, would you get over that in six months? No, and I didn't know all the details until about, like, not even all the details, but like, some of the details. I think it's a combination. I think right now you're ignoring common sense because of when you get excited.

So I think you gotta take a step back, whether it's checking in with your therapist or checking in with a friend that isn't the friend who wants you to buy the boat, who's just excited to hear about your dating stories. Whatever it is, but you have common sense and you're just not listening to your common sense in moments where you're making excuses by like, well, I wanna check in with them.

And there's a difference between trusting your body and listening to common sense and being the person who overthinks and creates drama. And you know what I'm saying? It's a case by case basis, but I think you know, because, you know, like you know what I'm saying, it's a case by case basis, but I think you know the difference. It is. I do wanna say one little thing though.

When he originally said six months, he also said, well, we've been having issues for years, and it made it seem like he had like slowly like displaced himself over years. And I was like, well, I can relate to that because sometimes you're done with the relationship before it fully ends. Sure.

You know what I mean? So it's just like, I know the steps to break. You didn't ask him what he mean by that? No, the first date. Sure, and that's okay, but again, maybe, and that, because it is a first date, but maybe on the third or fourth date, you could revisit and you're like,

well, what'd you mean by having problems for years? Because that could mean a million different things. And you can have problems for years and still wish it worked out. You can have problems for years and still be heartbroken. When I first got engaged in Fanao Chichinami, part of the heartbreak was I couldn't believe I got engaged and it didn't work out.

I couldn't believe I bought a ring and it was sitting in my drawer. It was the embarrassment, it was the shame. There's just a lot of feelings that go into heartbreak and it's not just losing someone, it's the feeling of failure, it's the fear of what society's gonna say about you and these are all feelings he had to work through

as a human being going through a divorce. I just don't wanna feel like I was splitting hairs and asking for so many details. was like just trying to have fun and like get to know him. No I know like I'm not saying you did anything wrong it's just I'm getting the sense that you were looking for permission to move faster than you you knew you should it felt really good there were a ton of green flags and you found ways to ignore the red flags by asking him if he was okay moving forward and once you got the answer you wanted it was like oh well he said he's ready so

I'm good to let's go to let's go to England and meet your family you know like you know what I'm saying like and you know you get what I'm saying. Like, and you know, you get what I'm saying, you know. So I think. Yeah, I understand. So. This call is really helpful. Really helpful. All right.

Well, have fun on your date at the beach. Friend date, but. Whatever. Just enjoy it. Just again, he's gonna come up in your mind. Just check yourself when you catch yourself going back and asking those ruminating questions and you're analyzing things you've already analyzed. And the best part of this call was you, me saying,

I gave you a window to fight for this guy and you were like, no, I made a good decision. And like, you should, that's the best answer you have. Well, I would fight for him if he would fight for me. But he's not. And that's not, and I bet you've been a. Well, I would fight for him if he would fight for me. But he's not. Yeah, exactly. And I bet you've been a person who was willing to fight for people who wouldn't fight for you in the past. Yes, 100%.

So that's progress. And that's the thing you should be most proud of. That's the thing, when these other questions come in your mind, you let it go because you have the answer. And all these other stuff, we'll just, it'll play itself out. Well, thank you.

I appreciate it so much. All right. Take care. It's been very helpful. Let me, I would love an update how things are progressing in a few months. Okay. Yeah, I'll give you an update.

All right, thank you. All right, take care. See you soon, bye bye. Bye. Bye.