The Viall Files - E94 Ask Nick with Steph Shep

Episode Date: February 17, 2020

Stephanie Ann Shepherd joins us to answer listener questions about sex, love and dating. But first, she shares what it was like being Kim Kardashian’s right-hand woman. Then, we talk to someone who isn’t having sex with her significant other, someone who is struggling dating in the German culture, a woman with a question about open relationships, and a person asking why men feel entitled to hooking up. Don’t be afraid of answers you don’t want to hear. Send your sex and dating questions at [e-mail].  THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS: ROTHY’S: http://rothys.com/viall RITUAL: http://ritual.com/viall MODERN FERTILITY: http://modernfertility.com/viall/ AMERICAN HOME SHIELD: http://www.ahs.com/viall See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

What is up, everybody? Happy Monday, y'all. I am with my dear friend, Stephanie Shepard. Hi. Who is joining us today for our episode of Ask Nick. Rochelle is not with us today. She is off working on her acting career, trying to find any way not to have to work for me anymore.

I'm just kidding. She's probably going to be super pissed when she listens to this back and she hears that. Yes, but Rochelle won't be joining us. She is expanding her career, and since I'm such a great, you know, host of the show, I said,

go. Go get that part. You're so generous. So, Steph is going to help me with some of our callers but before we get into our calls,

we thought we'd hang out with Steph and get to know her a little bit. I met Steph in my acting class. Yeah. And we became fast friends. Yeah. Scene partners.

And then I found out like, wow, Steph's this like super impressive, badass woman. And she's quite fascinating. And I wanted to get to know her more. Truth is, I don't know a ton about you. I've learned a little bit as we've worked together, but you are very impressive. Wow. Thank you. Very smart. Thank you. And then, and then, you know, you have this and then you, you, you know, you worked with Kim Kardashian. I did. I worked with Kim for about almost five years. Wow. Like running things. Yeah, it was her right hand. Damn. What was that like? Um, it was fun. It was crazy. It's, it was a very unique experience. Looking back, I realized that now, you know, being in it, it's just, it was my normal. So you didn't even kind of realize the uniqueness of your situation? I didn't know. Huh. How did you, how did that all, how did that start? I, we have a mutual friend.

Kim and I have a mutual friend. And when she was looking to hire, to hire someone, they kind of just referred me and we hit it off. And then the rest is history. The rest is history, as they say. When you, so you were, were you living in LA at the time? I was living in LA. Were you living in L.A. at the time?

I was living in L.A. I'd been here for maybe two and a half years. And I moved here to be a dancer. Really? Yes. I did not know that. Oh, yeah. Many moons ago.

Really? Yes. Were you, did you do that as a young child? I grew up dancing. I was, I cheered for the Cleveland Cavaliers for a year. What? Yeah. I know. It doesn't seem like something that I would do.

And then when I moved here, my dance agent kind of, she introduced me to Mikey Minden, who is one of the creative directors for the Pussycat Dolls. I was working for him. And by way of him, I met Robin Anton, who is a good friend of Kim's. And from working with Robin for a way of him, I met Robin Anton, who is a good friend of Kim's. And from working with Robin for a couple of years, she kind of just referred me to Kim when she was looking for someone. I was like early, early twenties. I was a baby. And then you went from aspiring dancer to

kind of, well, not even kind of being like this kind of bad-ass businesswoman. Yeah. I mean, Kim's taught me everything I know, really. I had no experience. I kind of just figured it out as I went. Yeah, definitely. Kind of like that fake it till you make it thing, you know. Like I had no clue. I mean, I was a dancer from Ohio.

I didn't know how to run a multi-million dollar business with her, you know. But I figured it out along the way. What were some of the best things you learned? Oh my gosh, there's so many. I mean, the great thing about it was she, she wears so many hats, you know, from the beauty line, you know, that coming to fruition, the fragrance line, the, we did the emojis, the emoji app, the Kim Kardashian game, um, the TV show, you know, the clothing lot. Like, I mean, there was just so many things there. She's just got her hand in every different Avenue of this business that I, I mean,

you know, I learned everything. It was like a crash course in the entertainment business. Wow. What were some of the biggest fuck-ups that you might have had? Oh, my God. I mean, I was young, you know. God, there's one that I just will never forget. Oh, it's so bad, and I don't want to, like, it was, I mean, you know. We want you to share. I was young.

People need it from you. I was young, and I would, you know, we had Fashion Week, and I would get carried away, and I would be late in the mornings. And, you know, she's not, she never, like, we had such a great relationship and that was her leadership for sure. You know, she's, she doesn't, she treats everyone with so much respect and she does not want to like yell or be, you know, like abusive, her abuse of power, I guess. She's not who she is. She's just not one to like yell or be, you know, like abusive, her abusive power, I guess. She's not who she is. She's very calm. And so, you know, when I would fuck up, she would just kind of silence me, you know, just kind of like, you know, I know what I did.

That's worse. The disappointing parent? The disappointing parent, exactly. And so you're like, oh, shit, I let her down. And that's the worst feeling ever because like, you know, I would never want that. But, I mean, yeah. I mean, I was 22, 23. I was bound to fuck up.

And luckily she, you know, always believed in me and, you know, yeah. That's great. You made a comment the other week when we were working together and you said you just think people are so inefficient i remember thinking yeah i felt judged at the same time um but i agree with you what but can you elaborate on that more and then do you have maybe ways i'm assuming you say that knowing that you are very efficient so what are some things that you do to help your well and that is again from you know that knowing that you are very efficient. I am extremely efficient. What are some things that you do to help? Well, and that is, again, from the training that I've had.

And now even when I step back into her world and I just – her whole family moves so efficiently. I mean it's so impressive. You think you're organized, you're not. Until you get to have a lesson from Kris Jenner, like you don't know anything about anything. And so I just, I know that I have a really unique set of skills because of, you know, the, the, the training that I had and it makes it difficult because I'm really extremely efficient that like I can see every way that everyone else is like underperforming.

Sure. And it's really difficult. And it's something that I'm working on is not, is realizing not everyone has the same high expectations that I have. What are some ways people can be like, what were, what, like if someone's like,

Oh God, I'm listening to this. I feel judged right now. I know I'm super inefficient. Are there things that you've done to like help? Yeah. And I do this now that I have an assistant and she's brand new. She's same kind of situation.

She's 22, you know, not a ton of life experience. So I try and, you know, mentor as best as I can. And I definitely say just write shit down. Like I write everything down, taking notes. Like don't expect that you're going to remember something because you're probably not. If you need to get things done, like I am such a list maker. I love a to-do list. I love a list for everything. If something's coming up, I'm like, let's make a list about it. Like the grocery list, like it doesn't matter. Like staying organized in that way, I think is super helpful. And it's helpful when you see what you have to do,

you know, and you can check it off. And those little moments of, you know, completion make you feel like you're getting shit done. Totally. I'm bad at making lists. You got to make lists. You just got to be organized and like timing, time management. It's so important, you know? I know. I mean, are you not that you're looking at me like, I feel very judged. I like I'm ADD and I'm like, I mean, everyone is too. I'm the, like I can think of the ideas, but I'm not super efficient. I'm a hard, like I'm very hardworking and I'm, I'm on time. I'm not late. That's a big thing. You are

punctual. I'm very, I tend to like, I get, I just, I've been running behind lately. I feel like every time I see you, I'm always like, I'm'm 10 minutes late so maybe that's me being inefficient that's my inefficiency I need to work that is and so uh but I like I'm I'm not a good note taker I just can't it's just um I don't it stresses me out I don't know I have bad penmanship I think it's probably because I'm dyslexic and do you retain information just by like hearing it? Pretty well, but not as well as I could be. I mean, don't get me wrong. Like I should be making lists because I will forget. My brain has a way of obviously prioritizing things.

Like I know I can't forget this, so I do it. But like that is not a fail-safe way. And I've just survived that way. I could be more efficient for sure. Yeah. I mean, I think everyone can be, but. It bugs me that I waste time. Yeah. But I stay, I mean, I stay busy, but. You're pretty busy.

Yeah. I don't know. So what are you doing now? What are you working on now? I just, my Facebook watch series with Elle just came out. Tell us more about that. It's basically a show that I get to talk to women in different situations, whether it be, you know, one episode we have on a military mom and we talk about the struggles of, you know, living that life. And, you know, her husband gets deployed for eight months at a time and she kind of has to man the two kids and she really wants to get back into work and kind of giving her tips and things of, you know, taking the 10 minutes for herself, um, in this chaos of a toddler and a baby, you know, taking that 10 minutes for

her is so important. And, and, and then, you know, giving her beauty tips and style tips on how she can transition from mom to meeting. And so she can get back into, you know, work and what she wants to do. We have an episode, a dating episode where we give dating advice. We do the speed dating round and we just talk about, you know, we just share stories and share advice. And I feel like it was so important, you know, when Elle approached me to produce the series to be able to create a community where women feel supported. And I feel like what you do here and sharing these stories and this advice, it makes people feel a little less alone.

Yeah, right. I mean, that's great. And you're right, we try to do that here. And it's pretty awesome that you're doing that over there with Elle. And everyone's just like, we're in a culture that feels more and more alone every day because we've buried ourselves in our phones um and it's easy to feel like not this doesn't happen to anyone else and to hear people's stories and sometimes it's these simplest problems where we feel most alone that yeah sometimes it's just hearing i'm like oh my god really i know and i

feel that all the time too yeah you know It's like as much as social media these days is supposed to bring people together, and it does because you can connect with people from across the world, it is a little bit isolating to feel like you're the only one that feels insecure or feels whatever it is. And I think it's important. I think now more than ever, we're craving a sense of community

and I think that that's what's missing. Totally. That's great. So before we jump into our call, all about relationships, have you been through the ringer with your love life in the past? Gosh, for sure. What's the one thing that you've learned about yourself through a mistake you've made? And then something that you've learned about yourself through a mistake your partners made? Well, I don't, I mean, I've made a lot of mistakes.

I think the one thing that stands out to me that I think taught me the biggest lesson was I was dating this guy and he was definitely way more into me than I was into him. And I was like hooking up with someone else and he knew that. And he just like loved me so much that he didn't care. And I was really taking advantage of his love.

And it took me kind of reflecting on like, oh my God, what do you do? Like, you know, like being a friend, stepping out of the situation and being like, if that were my friend, I would tell that guy like, this girl's taking advantage of you. Get out of this. So I had to kind of, as hard as it was because he was so great and I loved him and it was awesome, I was like, I know that this isn't it and I need to step away from this.

So I kind of had to be a real adult and be like, okay, you deserve better than me kind of a thing. Yeah, or just, and we have a caller this episode who not that that's not, that's the same situation, but like you're recognizing that you were probably being selfish in that moment. And when we're younger, it's very easy. I mean, adults take advantage of situations. Humans do, but it's a mature thing to do to recognize I'm being selfish in this moment. And we all have been there, but like then doing something about that in a healthy way. And that's, that's, I mean, that happens a lot.

Uh, I think with people, um, you know, everyone likes someone who doesn't like them back and it's always fun to feel loved. It's always fun to get that attention. And we have a way of sometimes taking advantage of the people who are showing us with the intention while we're out there shooting our shots with people who don't like us. Yeah. What about a mistake, like something you got, you were hurt or someone made a mistake that you realized, maybe I'm not going to put myself in this situation again. Like you were like, maybe okay with it for a while or a pattern, you know, you know, where it's just like, yeah, I can't do this anymore.

I mean, I definitely had a toxic relationship that I was too insecure to get out of, I guess. And I mean, I can't think of a mistake per se. I feel like I want to say that relationship was a mistake, but I know that it wasn't because, you know, now I know what I won't, what I won't put up with, you know, I kind of had to go through that to know that I definitely deserve more than that, I guess. So, you know, I'm very, I think at this age and where I am, I'm much more comfortable, um, asking for what I want and knowing what I deserve, you know?

And speaking up for it. We have some callers who struggle with that of like speaking up. Is that something like, well, how do you, you know, find your voice so to speak in terms of? Yeah. I think for me experience and time time and and again and really the age you know i having that working on myself i've done a lot of work on myself in the past couple of years to you know feel worthy of my place in the world and i think that i guess with age it comes you know it comes

like you just don't give a fuck anymore what anyone thinks. You know, the older you get, you're like, I don't really care. Like, I don't care. I don't care if you don't like me. I don't care if you, you know, don't agree with me. This is what I think. This is what I know. This is what I want.

And I've really dropped the pressure of, like, needing to be liked and needing to, like, please. Sure. You know, so I think, and that's just come with being taken advantage of. of like needing to be liked and needing to like, please, you know? So I think, and that's just come with being taken advantage of. That's come with, you know, being heartbroken. That's come with time and age, I guess. And maybe some people realize it sooner and that's okay too.

This is great. Should we get to these calls? Yeah, let's do it. Let's do it. Thanks for listening. Obviously, before we get into these calls, send your questions at asknick at castme. Yeah, let's do it. Let's do it. Thanks for listening. Obviously, before we get into these calls, send your questions at asknick at castme.com,

cast with a K, and let's just get to it. Let's do it. Rothy's. Oh, we love our Rothy's. Rochelle is sporting her camel Rothy's. I'm seeing women all over town wearing their

Rothy's, and I just think to myself why not me um but no it's it's amazing they're they're doing both uh great things for your feet for comfort and for the environment by instead of wasting plastic they are recycling it and turning it into fashionable incredibly comfortable all kinds of shoes they got chelsea boot style they got sneaker style they have all? I'm wearing loafer. They got the pointed shoes. And they're all in really cute colors. They always come out with new designs.

And plus, Nick, I washed them last night. They look brand new. They always look brand new. You just throw them right in the washing machine. And then boom. I'm going to improv right now. They tell us not to make sound effects. Really?

Well, yeah, because they're like, what, you know. Nick's taking a class at the Groundlings. They look great. So everyone's wearing them. They're very popular. So if you haven't got on the Rothy bandwagon, do it now. Be sustainable with your fashion. Yeah.

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And then they made my stomach feel weird. Yeah. But Ritual has these very special capsules that don't upset your stomach. And also that I appreciate. It's vegan-friendly, sugar-free, non-GMO, gluten-free, and it's just like specially formulated to make me feel great. Plus, it's a subscription, so I don't have to go out and pick it up. It's delivered right to me.

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I am 26 years old. Hi, Anna, 26. How can we help? All right. So it's kind of a long story, but I'll try to make it short to start from the beginning. So I've been with my boyfriend for a little over two years. And when we first started dating, you know, we had the typical honeymoon phase and everything was really great. And our relationship kind of unfolded really quickly. Like in the first six months, we got really, really serious and everything was going well. We moved pretty quick in that we were both in a small town and we both really wanted to both in a small town. Um,

and we both really wanted to move to a larger town and it just so happened that we both wanted to move to the same large town. And so, um, everything kind of came together for us to move to a big city together. And we started planning this move together. Um, we spent a lot of time talking back and forth about like, should we move in together? Cause we'd only been dating for probably about like six months at that point seven months six or seven months and we decided we were going to move in together we moved um and ever since we made that decision so that was like a year and a half ago and we decided to play to move to a big city. Well, his job changed. My job remained the same. But ever since then,

our sex life really changed. Things were awesome in that honeymoon phase. And then once life kind of shifted and we were planning a move and there were all these new elements of just stress and everyday stuff, we really stopped being intimate, I guess, and definitely less frequently. And then it kind of dwindled and it's super infrequent even to this day. And so I guess my question to you guys is, I'm just interested in getting like another guy's perspective on it and maybe giving me, I don't know some ideas of how uh when you mean by infrequent what are we talking here

like how infrequent yeah i mean that's all a matter of perspective so i'm just trying to get your perspective well so like now like we don't have sex. Not at all. Ever? No. When was the last time you had sex? We've probably had sex like twice in the past year, I'd say. Oh, word. Okay. Yeah. And like prior to that, like kind of before we were moving, it was like, like when we

were planning our move before we actually moved were moving, it was, like, like, when we were planning our move, before we actually moved, it was just, like, less frequent. Because, like, before, you know, like, when you first start dating, you're, like. Sure, of course. Doing it all the time. So, like, I can't really compare that to, like, a healthy sex life because that's really the other side of the spectrum. But, yeah, so, like, just a huge shift. like just a huge shift but and I know that like things change over the course of a relationship and I also totally know that like stress can be a huge impact in like sex life and like sex drive sure um and we've talked a lot about it like it's something that we've talked a lot about and not a

lot of fights have been about um and like he feels really bad because it makes me feel you know like bad about myself and like it feels like something unwanted that I'm like but he's like it feels like a personal thing but I know that it's not and and on the same token like I know he really wants to but he just like feels too stressed too so when he says that's his answer he feels feels too stressed. Like what's. When he says he really wants to, what does that, that mean? Like, I mean, I don't have to sound crude, but is his dick not work in a sense? Like, has it, have you asked him? I mean, cause this is drastic, right? This is not like, Hey, we had a honeymoon phase.

We had a bunch of sacks. Oh, now we only have sex once every other week. Because like, yeah, that's a drastically different and you could still even be unsatisfied in that situation. But at least there's some consistency there, right? You've had sex twice in a year. That's drastic. That's not existed, right? So my big question as a guy, I'm thinking, does he masturbate?

Like, does he, is he like, is he literally just not using it? Um, have you talked about that? Yeah, no, we've talked about all of it. And so, uh, in a couple of times that we've had, like it works fine. Um, I mean, it's not, yeah yeah like everything is okay but he doesn't masturbate that I like I've asked him and he's like no I really don't like it's just like a total disinterest in sex and whenever I bring it up or like we talk about it I'm like do you want to get back to where we were like not necessarily you know like bunnies but like do you want that to be a part of a relationship and he's like yes I do but I'm just freaked out like he's told me he's freaked out because he feels like there's something wrong with him and he has not like he's gone to the

doctor about it he's gone to a couple different doctors and like they've literally just said that it's stress related okay and I'm like okay well where do we go with at like what's he stressed about stressful and I feel like yeah I feel like as life goes on like it's only gonna get more stressful and the thing is too like every other part of a relationship is awesome and it's grown like we've grown so much together as a couple over the last two years so I really want to like be his partner and make it work. And I, and he's been really vulnerable with me and sharing that. Like, it makes me feel like I'm not, you know, like I,

I'm not the guy like that I should be for you. And it freaks me out that like, there's something wrong with me. And I don't know what it is and no, like I haven't been able to get any, like any guidance on what it is is and it's kind of like a self-fulfilling prophecy where like he's stressed out about like yeah why it's not happening that then it just like creates it continuing not to happen and you just got to ask the obvious questions like you have no um no insecurities about this is a cover for any type of infidelity or anything like that i mean it sounds like that's not the case but sometimes we know no no i really don't think it is like no i mean he's really faithful and like i said every other part of our relationship is

wonderful so and like i know he loves me but it's I just don't feel any desire from him just out of curious I mean has he ever offered to do things for you even if he's not necessarily interested in getting his that's an option um we like if we try he will sometimes but not like he doesn't initiate because i think he just thinks the whole thing is uncomfortable now and it's stressful and like he just assumes that i'm going to be disappointed and there's just like a lot of emotion attached to it at this point that how often you fighting about it now his his default is to just like not try just avoid it to like avoid it i mean like there seems to be some like deeper rooted issues here i mean it must be discouraging as a guy to go to a doctor and having a doctor say it's just stress related he should maybe get

maybe a third or fourth opinion there's unfortunately not every doctor knows what they're doing you might get it they just might not have an answer, right? Sometimes doctors, when they don't have an answer, will just give you some sort of vague diagnosis. So there's that. There could be, I mean, listen, this does sound drastic. There sounds like there's a lot of like emotional and mental things going on. Not that there's anything necessarily wrong with him, but it sounds like he needs to deal with something. Like what's he dealing, how is he dealing with the stress?

You know, if that's the issue, what is he doing to. How old is he? He, he just turned 30. Okay. So like a young guy.

Yeah. So, I mean, he like, he's into like, he has hobbies outside of work. So I was, I, I pinpointed, I think that the big thing that changed was like just the stress of like the move and everything, but also like his job change. He works in a startup now.

So like, I just feel like in life he feels very unsettled because the, the future of his company is very unknown at this point. So it's like, I honestly feel like he's living in a constant state of stress where like, it's like this isn't even on his radar is something to like be putting his energy into because there's so many other things that he does put his energy into like professionally. And he definitely derives a lot of like his self work from his job so he changed position like he was in a very stable study job when we first met and everything was great and then when we moved he decided to take a leap on this new startup company and that's where we've been for the past like year and a half um but like even and despite

all of that he does have like hobbies and he know, he does do stuff and, like, hang out with friends and do things to unwind. And, like, we, like, have date nights and we, like, have, like, romantic moments like that, but it's just, like, physically I don't know. He's hitting this roadblock.

When you initiate things with him, like, does anything come of it? Like, how does that, or do you just not initiate it anymore because you don't want to stress him out? Yeah, I haven't initiated in, like, a while, probably in, like, a couple months. But if I do, it's, like, he's either tired. Like, he's, like, I'm just too tired. Or, like, oh, I've got something else I need to work on or like

there's just always some kind of excuse and like we've definitely had conversations we'll talk about where I'm like okay well if you're always tired when I try to initiate like where does that leave us and like he and it's something that like we've both agreed that we want and that we need to work on but um there's like no action on his part. And I find that very frustrating. Like he has gone to the doctor and like, you know, all of that's led it to a dead end. And so it just feels like though, he just expects to like bury his head in the sand and then come up one day

and it'll all be fixed and everything will be fine. And that's just very frustrating for me. So I'm like, I don't know how to be supportive. And like, I don't know how to do anything. And like, I don't know how to do anything different than what I've already done. Modern fertility. You know what? I love this one. Yeah. It's a, it's a, it's great. It's the future. It's the future. Uh, you know, uh, all, I have tons of friends. They've all, uh, a lot of them have kids. A lot of them had different

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Be sure with the shield. Limitations and exclusions apply. See plan for details. When you get really mad at him, you're not mean or anything, are you? Like to make him feel worse about the situation? Yeah, when you're really mad. It kind of has that impact. Yeah, I mean, it does.

Because I get mad. And in the moment when I try to initiate, he's like, I'm tired right now. You have no patience. And then I'll be like, oh, my God, I can't believe you could say that. I've been, you know, like I've been patient for a year and a half. Um, you know, so it does definitely escalate sometimes and we have big fights about it. And have you thought about going to like a therapist to talk this out? Because clearly if it's stress and it's not a physical thing that maybe he needs to actually talk to someone on how to deal with his stress so that it's not taking over his life.

Yeah. Yeah. No, I mean, we've talked about that too, but he's very adamant. So, yeah.

So here's the one. Yeah. So that seems to be a point of frustration. Here's what I think. Right. Um, I've been in relationships, long-term relationships, and there have been period in those relationships that for whatever reason, I just, I got into this like sexual funk.

Yeah. And I've always felt like I had a pretty strong sexual appetite, but there have been times like in a long-term relationship, you're just like, I don't know why I don't want to have sex with you. I just don't. I think that's just natural, right? Happens for men and women. Yeah. But you do have to like, try to get out of it. You know, like he needs to try to get out of it. And this whole, like, I'm sure he's frustrated. I'm sure he's defensive. I'm sure he is stressed out, but like, I'm one of the most anxious people in the world. And like, yeah, stress can definitely have an effect

on men and their sex drive, but it doesn't just shut it down completely. And regardless, he's still in a relationship with you. Right, so he needs to think about you as well. And if he wants to be in a relationship with you, he needs to like make an effort, even if it's like he is struggling. And like, again, I'm sure that if in your sexual

relationship, you would like to him be just as into it, but he should still want to perform things for you. And she'll, he can still take the initiative, even if he, if he doesn't want to, I mean, how many times are, are there women in relationships giving guys blowjobs when they don't want to give a blowjob? I mean, I'm tired all the time, you know, and you just, you literally suck it up, so to speak. So like sometimes guys can do that. Um, and I don't know why we have this idea that like a guy has to be in the mood to like perform like sexual favors to their partner. So like there's an expectation, I think it would be fair for you to have right. How to solve the long-term problem of actually, actually having him be like into it. Like he needs to like do something about

it. I don't want to talk to a therapist because there's something drastic going on here. So it's not drastic to say that like, just because he has a job and moved that happens all the time. The world is filled with people stressed about their jobs. And most of them want to have sex more than twice a year. There's something else going on that he needs to be willing to work to uncover because everything else might be perfect, but sex is a part of a relationship. And if he's not willing to make the effort, then that is something you need to concern. So if it is not going to just wake up and get better, he's a 30 year old guy. That's really young. His sex drive should not be gone at this point. So if

he's not willing to do something about it, because you are at this breaking point where you are justifiably frustrated, but you nagging at him and like getting frustrated and maybe even being mean out of your frustration is only going to make it worse. That's true. But like you're getting frustrated based off of like this acceptance that he generally has about like, well, I don't want to. So what do you, you can't get mad at me for it. He's got to show up somehow.

Yeah. He's like playing the victim. And I guess I get where he's coming from. He's defensive, but he hasn't done everything he could. Right. Because if the diagnosis is stress related, then he needs to learn how to deal with that stress. And it might be therapy. And before you get like couples therapy, he literally might want to go i mean again i'm not a therapist so this is an unprofessional opinion but he needs to go to see someone before you both need to see someone because it's clearly it's his problem not your like yeah and maybe eventually that therapist brings you in with the conversation because he's they've uncovered something that you guys have to do, but

you being, you know, like everything else is okay, but this means everything's not okay in a relationship. So whether that is your sex life or how they treat you as a human being or the quality time you are or not getting, like saying everything is great, but that, that, but is important. Right. And so, yeah. Um, if it really is important to him, you'd think that he would be kind of doing these gestures of trying to make it better or trying to work through it. You know, that's the thing. Like she's so stressed out that he can't like, you know, do things that whatever might get you guys in the mood. Maybe it's some sort of like

couples porn. I don't fucking know. Maybe it is seeing a sex therapist. There are plenty of things that he seems to be resistant of doing. And he can't like, I'm stressed at my job is not like that. Yeah, I get it. We've all been there. And that can be a reason why for periods of time you have a low sex drive.

And that, but this is not that this is like, this is a consistent, uh, ongoing problem and there's a something that he's unwilling to deal with but you can only do so much right like you can't make him go so that's where i'm like okay i can only do my part so like what does that look like for me like is that an ultimatum? Is that, yeah. I mean, it depends on, you know, where you're at. Are you at your breaking point where

it's like how, you know, it's up to you. How long can you live like this? Yeah. I mean, we've gotten into like a pretty comfortable routine of just not trying, but I know long-term that's not, well, that's the problem. You've gotten into a routine. A routine doesn't necessarily mean a good thing. It just means you're used to it. Yeah, no, that's, yeah, that's true. I think you just got to keep doing your part. You know what I mean?

I think, you know, being supportive, trying to, maybe if you guys are taking relaxing weekends, like get out of wherever you live, go step away from the world that's so stressful and try those things. And if you just keep doing a hundred percent of, you know, your, your role, that's all you can do. And then you're going to get to a point where you're like, look, I am doing everything I possibly can. And you're not even trying to make an effort to make this right. And then maybe that's when the ultimatum comes, you know? And here's what I would do in the short term for like the next month, I would just back off. I wouldn't bring

it up. I wouldn't, I wouldn't initiate it. I wouldn't try. I would see what he does. Don't bring it up. Like you're doing that for two reasons. Like let him reset because at this point you are, you both are in a funk of like, anytime you're going to bring it up now, he's just going to feel anxiety and pressure. Right. So just drop it for a while. You've waited this long. I think you could probably manage a month. Right. Um, and I'm not saying forget it, but it's just like, wait a little bit, let him. And so that way you're just kind of like, I haven't brought it up at all, but then eventually you, you know, you can say, Hey, listen, I've really backed off, but like, can say, hey, listen, I've really backed off, but like, this is something that I need in a relationship. And so, and then back off for a period of time and then ask them, okay, what can

we do? Because we need to do something. Here's what we have done. Here's what we haven't done. Are you willing to do this? And if he keeps saying no, then you're kind of at that point where you need to decide if he's not willing to try more, then I need to start deciding if this is okay. You're only 26. You deserve to have sex in your relationship. You deserve to feel desired. And you deserve to have someone who is willing to make, you know, changes and make the effort to make your relationship better in any, you know, part of it. Yeah. And again, even if he's not in the mood or tired, he like, he does you a couple solids

here and there. Like this whole, like, I'm not in the mood, so we're never going to do it. And I can't make you feel sexy. Relationships are built on doing things that you want to do, not in the moment you want to do it. Yeah. We all have to do things for our partners that, you know, for them, that's the whole, that's the whole point. You know, so yeah. Um, everything else is great. Isn't an excuse to

ignore this. And you know, you're not, you're asked, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're asking and you're obviously reaching out, but like in the short time, maybe just, maybe just back off for a period of time. See if maybe slowly like he notices that like, wow, she hasn't brought it up in like four or five weeks. And maybe he'll surprise you. I don't know. But right now. Take the pressure off a little bit and just let it sit.

And then see if maybe that happens. I mean, it probably won't, but. Hopefully it will. Hopefully it will. But then start having some expectations. Think about what you have done, what you haven't, and then present him options and, and see if he's willing to do it. Okay. Yeah. Okay. That's about where I am. So it's just helpful to hear like from somebody not in this position,

like what's normal. It's not what it is. What is what I'm asking? Unreasonable. It's not, you're not being unreasonable. You have every right to be frustrated. This is not normal,

um, at all. It's a drastic thing, right? Yeah. This is not like we only have sex a couple of times a month or once a month. This is,

we don't have sex. Yeah. Um, so you have a right to be frustrated totally all right okay well keep us posted cool thanks guys all right best of luck you're gonna you're gonna be fine okay all right thank you bye bye get a vibrator in the meantime right so sorry girl have you ever been in a situation like that? No. Where it was that drastic? No. No.

Thank God. Have you ever been in a situation where like there were lulls? Oh, of course. I mean, long-term relationships, it's just like stuff comes up. There's work. There's travel. There's, you know, whatever it is, emotions. But I've never fallen off that hard.

Yeah. And it's always weird. It's always like women are always giving blowjobs to boyfriends when they don't want to. And it always seems to be this weird expectation that like a guy has to be in the mood to somehow return the oral sex favor. It's just like, well, I'm not in the mood. It's like, I don't give a shit. sex favor. Yeah. It's just like, well, I'm not in the mood. It's like, I don't give a shit. I know. Yeah.

So guys seem to get away with that more often. Guys seem to, yeah. Like, and by, I mean, more often, like always. I don't know. I hope she figures it out. I wonder, that's just so, like, it's just so odd. It's drastic. Yeah.

There's something deeper there. Yeah. There's something deeper there. Yeah. There's definitely something deeper. And you could tell she mentioned, I've definitely addressed the therapist's option. And you could tell it was a sticking point where he shut that shit down. Yeah. Which isn't fair because, you know, I mean, it's part of the relationship. You should want to make the relationship better. And if that's something that your partner thinks that you should do, it's part of the relationship. You should want to make the relationship better.

Yeah. And if that's something that your partner thinks that you should do, it's like you got to be willing. He's closed off to something. He doesn't want to unpack something. And I mean, it's just, that's a long time. It's a long time. That's not having sex.

She's just like, yeah, we don't have sex anymore. And they haven't been together that long. It's not like they've been together for 20 years. You know? He's 30. She's just like, yeah, we don't have sex anymore. And they haven't been together that long. It's not like they've been together for 20 years. No. He's 30. She's 26. They've been together, what did she say, two years? Yeah, well, regardless.

I mean, even if you've been together for five years, as young people, you have a sex drive. Yeah. And I actually believe her that she's not like, a lot of times it's like, oh, I know they're faithful. And you can be like, I think you think he's cheating. You don't want to admit it. Yeah, yeah, I know, I know they're faithful. And like, you can be like, I don't, I think, I think you think he's cheating. You don't want to admit it. Yeah.

I don't, I don't see that there. Yeah. How's it going? Hi, I'm Kristen. I'm 24. Hi, Kristen, 24. How can we help? Hello.

Hi. So, yeah, a year and a half ago, I moved to Germany kind of randomly, was just looking for adventure, traveling, something different. I just graduated from college and didn't really know what to do with myself. So I decided to move here and meet new people, experience a new culture. And obviously part of that is the dating culture. I was single when i came here i just gotten out of a relationship but was kind of ready to experience new people whatever um and didn't realize that the dating culture in germany is extremely polarized so it feels like probably yeah three quarters of the people are in super serious relationships in their 20s, like 24, 25 years old, our age.

I've been in relationships for like 10, 11 years, ready to get married. And then everyone else is either girls looking for serious relationships or guys on Tinder or Bumble. Dating apps are also pretty big here. Bumble dating apps are also pretty big here. Um, and yeah, those guys are really just looking to sleep with people, not actually looking for a serious relationship. So it's kind of confusing to me how most people have gotten into relationships here. Um, but yeah, I've been pretty active on Tinder. I'd never used it before I moved here and I had never met anyone from it. So I've met like a few guys from it. And recently I have been super casually hooking up with some guys that I'd met in bars and met on these apps and recently met this one guy. And he had gone to college in the U.S.

So he played a sport there and lived in the U S for four years. So he's German, but it's very familiar with Americans and most German people speak English super well. Um, and yeah, so he was super excited to meet me, super excited to speak English and yeah, hook up with an American girl. But so the first time we met, we met up, hung out for a little bit, hooked up that night. And then later he decided to start telling me about all of his experiences with American girls and how American girls are super easy and how they like super

casual relationships and kind of all of the different experiences he's had with American girls and how they're very different than German girls. German girls are a lot more reserved. Apparently, most of the German girls on Tinder have like no one night stand in their profile. So I didn't realize that. Obviously, I don't have anything. I didn't have anything in my bio. There are American girls who have that too. Okay go ahead. No this is true of course totally but anyway so yeah the first time we hooked up he spent most of the time like talking

about his experiences with other girls and I didn't really care because mostly I was just in it for a hookup I was not looking for anything serious, wasn't really looking for a relationship. And it was fine to just be kind of like a fuck buddy situation. And then we've been hooking up consistently since then. And the most recent time, he actually was like much more touchy and a little bit more intimate. And I was not really expecting it. He was kind of holding my hand and like saying things to me along the lines. It's like, I'm so happy to

see you. I'm so happy you're here. I'm so happy we're spending time together, whatever. And then in the morning after I had slept there, he actually made a comment and he was like, yeah, you know, you can't talk to German girls the way you can talk to American girls. And I was like, yeah, why not? And he said, because American girls let you talk to them like objects and they have no dignity. And I was so shocked. I know I was so shocked. I didn't even know what to say. And I just the first thing that came out of my mouth was you're a piece of shit. And yeah fair. And yeah, I had no idea. I was shocked that he said that.

And the first thing he responded was, okay, but not you. So I guess my question is, I don't know how to approach this because for some reason, I still am attracted to this guy. I still am wanting his attention and craving hanging out with him again for some reason. And I have no idea why, because if any guy said this to any of my friends, I would just be completely telling them to completely leave him in the dust, whatever. Don't pay attention to him anymore. But for some reason, I can't get him out of my head. And I find myself craving his attention, wanting to hang out with him again. And I just

don't know what's going on and how to approach this, how to react to him in the future. I just, I don't know. So when you, when you said that the last time you didn't react positively to him, what was the reaction to that? Or do you, you i mean how does that make you feel that he said that you know i know you like you know that you'd be upset that you're you're if he said that to your friend but like why do you believe yeah so i think the thing is i feel like he is putting on this persona because from the beginning we both kind of decided it was like a fuck buddy situation and we never actually established it but it seemed like we were both kind of in it just for yeah hooking up and not a relationship nothing else and I'm

I think that he has kind of like put on this persona because both of us have just been booty calling each other and not actually putting in the effort towards like getting to know each other so i think he thinks it's okay but do you those kinds of things do you believe that he means it is my question no i don't you don't you don't think you think he's making it i don't you think he's just like putting on a show reaction oh well yeah i think he's looking for a? I don't. You think he's just like putting on a show? Oh, well. Yeah. I think he's looking for a reaction out of me. Why do you think that?

I don't know. Because it's easier to believe that he actually thinks that? I think some of his experiences that he's had have shown him that. Did you remind them that when he was having sex with American girls, these girls were in college? You know, and college people are a little bit more... They're... Everyone's figuring it out.

Everyone's a little bit more of an exhibitionist. Like, you know, college people are... It's more of a hookup culture. So, like, he's got this small sample size of people who are a little bit more sexually active and experimental. And maybe those same girls back in Germany who are on Tinder who say, I don't want to fuck buddy. We're the same girls in college just like having a good old time.

Do you want to be more than a fuck buddy with him I do I mean you like him I do yeah I'm starting to like him which is also confusing because I originally didn't want a relationship but now I find myself like craving kind of that companionship because I've been

doing this like hook up thing for a while with some random guys and I it's been fun it's's been good, whatever. But now I'm looking for actually something more. And for some reason, he's the one that I really want it with. Well, it's not black and white, right? It's like if you're a fuckboy, as a lot of people like to say, if you're a guy.

Every guy's a fuckboy until he meets someone he wants to settle down with. Right. Every, even a, even a woman who like is, um, you know, sex positive, who wants to like go out and, and do the same thing without judgment, you know, so, you know, doesn't mean they don't want to settle down someday. Right. Like it's not, it's not like at a year early age, you decide, am I going to get married or I'm just going to fuck my whole life? Like it's not one or the other. So it's okay for two people who are, have told themselves, well, you know, I just want to, I don't want to get settled down and I don't want to commit. I just want to go out and live my life. And then you meet someone and you're like, oh shit, I kind of like you. That's not that abnormal. Yeah. And now he's

expressing, you know, when you meet them, things are changing. He's saying he's expressing you know when you meet him things are changing he's saying he's like it's nice to see you you like hearing this it feels good like allow go with it allow yourself to accept that maybe i like this person now as far as him saying these things uh i think you need to really figure out whether he means it or he's putting up a front neither one is okay uh i guess it's slightly better if he's putting up a front. Neither one is okay. I guess it's slightly better if he's putting up a front because he doesn't meet it. And maybe there's some immaturity there if he thinks it's cool and he thinks, you know, I think guys sometimes will make that mistake.

I know I've made that mistake. You, your relationship starts off sexual. And I think sometimes, I know I've made that mistake. You, you go a little too far. Like you, the whole relationship is sexualized. And so all you talk about is sex and what you want to do. And, and eventually, and I've had, you know, girls being like, you know what, you only talk to me in this way and I don't like it. And it's like, you know what, I'm sorry. I didn't realize I was doing that. So there could be a little bit of that. I mean, this whole like treating for a guy to say that he enjoys treating anyone like an object's not okay. And I think you should

shut that down real quick, but ask them, you know, it's just like, it's not okay that you say this. And I don't care if you say this about like the fact that he's like, well, not you. I don't like that you think that about any woman. I don't care if she's American or German or Finnish or whatever. Like you shouldn't think of anyone as an object. And it, it makes me feel uncomfortable that you enjoy that. So nip that in the bud, so to speak, but talk to him about it. Like have a mature conversation about like, what do you mean by this? And just be honest. Like, and if he still puts up a front, then that's a red flag to you to say, well, maybe he's not, doesn't have the emotional maturity to like either, maybe he either a actually believes this, which is the biggest red flag or B,

he doesn't know how to be himself around you. Does that make sense? Yeah. Cause he's, he's not a guy you can date if he can't be comfortable enough to be vulnerable. Yeah. So if it is B, if he doesn't feel comfortable enough to be himself around me, how do I go about, I don't know. Well, you can't make him. I know, but sometimes I feel like some of that stuff takes time, you know? It can.

It can. I think this is a weird thing for him to say. So, like, it's a potential red flag, right? Don't you think? I mean, the general question to Steph's point. He sounds like he's just being, like, a douche. Like, just saying something like, oh, well, I know this. Like, I don't know.

If he believes it, then just, like, that's it. I'll say this right like a kind of guy like this i think you need to like shut it down in a sense that like you need to like exert power in this relationship to say like that's not okay and see how he responds to that yeah because if he's putting up a front he'll quickly be like you know what i'm sorry i was just i didn't really mean to that i was just like i'm an idiot totally like but you really have to that. I was just like, I'm an idiot. Totally. Like I was, you really have to like, be like, fuck that. You like,

fuck that. I don't like that. That's not okay. Yeah. And see how he responds that if he pushes back, that's a big red flag. Yeah. Uh,

that means he actually believes that. And he wants to like stand up for his, his opinion and explain why he thinks, uh, these people are objects to him. That's what I would do. Yeah. Okay.

But yeah, I think if you like him, you need to, minus all that, like let's assume he's putting up a front, you call him out. He's like, you know what? I'm sorry that was immature of me to say. I don't know why I said that. I'm an idiot, et cetera, et cetera. Then you need to accept that you like him, be okay with that. Not judge yourself. And listen, if it doesn't work out,

you can go back to the lifestyle you had before. Again, it's not like, this is not like, this is not black or white. You can date someone and go back to having a more casual, sexual sex life. But don't pretend to not like him while meanwhile you're falling in love with him type of thing. It's real messy and fucked up. I wouldn't go that far. It sucks for you too.

I don't think I'm falling in love with him. Falling in like with him. You're falling in like with him. Listen, you're developing romantic feelings. You're on that path, right? Yeah. You like him. I like the advice of being like strong and assertive, like this is not okay with me and

seeing how he feels and then just kind of going with, you know, going with your feelings. And I think, yeah, don't allow yourself to say to yourself first, I want to date this guy. And if you can say it to yourself, then you need to say it to him and say, I don't want this to be casual anymore. I want to feel like A, you respect women. Then I want to feel like you respect me. And I would like to be exclusive.

I wouldn't say it that unromantic. But I think you should be clear. I think you should be clear with your intentions. I don't think you should be like, well, I mean, Iromantic. Yeah, succinctly. But I think you should be clear. I think you should be clear with your intentions. I don't think you should be like, well, I mean, I kind of like, what do you think of this? I was just kidding. Don't be afraid to state what you want, but you kind of have to say it to yourself first.

You've decided to yourself that you want something casual, and that's great. That's empowering, especially I'm assuming for women, to say that because it's harder for women to do that. Guys get away with it all the time. So empowering that you were like, I want to have a casual relationship. And now you're like having a hard time admitting to yourself that you want something more monogamous and traditional. That's also fine too. Yeah. So I think my biggest fear with doing that for him is I'm afraid that he's going to, yeah, that he just wants something casual. Great. Then you have answers. And now all of a sudden

I'm changing it. That's okay though. We've said this before. You can't be afraid to ask questions that you're afraid of the answer. Cause then why, like why even if, if you know you want something else and he doesn't, so what, you're just going to sit in something that you don't really want forever. Like, nah, you want to, that's the thing. Cause if you just want want something else and he doesn't, so what, you're just going to sit in something that you don't really want forever? Like, no. No, this is true. That's the thing because if you just want the dick, go find a different dick. Yeah.

You know? But right now with him, what you are afraid of is him not reciprocating your emotional feelings. And so then you're going to lie to yourself and just keep hooking up with someone. Being in a place you don't want to be. With someone you're not being, you're not getting what you want. So like if it's just something casual, go find something casual and don't be afraid to find out that he doesn't feel the same way, but he might. And again, a good way to do this with, especially with this guy,

insert your power. Like, like don't, don't, don't avoid confrontation. Let him know that you're not fucking around because even regardless he is, he thinks it's cool, which is not okay, that he's like macho and misogynistic. And you need to let him know like, that's not okay. You have to respect me. Regardless if it's casual or not, I need to know that you respect women. I wouldn't be surprised if you like really shoot it down.

And he backs off. He backs off of it. And it's like, oh, I don't feel that off of that. And it's like, I don't, it's, Oh, I don't feel that way about you. Like, I need to know that you don't feel about this about anyone.

Um, and, and, and take a real strong stance. Like you better like, or I'll drop you. I wouldn't be shocked if he, if he,

uh, responds in a way that you'd like. Yeah. No, I think that, and this is how like all of my friends have told me to react to it. And I that you'd like. Yeah, no. I think that, and this is how like all of my friends have told me to react to it. And I think it's true.

My biggest fear is that I'm not, that he's going to be like, okay, well, fuck you. Then fuck him. He might, but don't be afraid. That's true. I shouldn't. That's good news.

That's good news. So don't be afraid of answers that in the short run you're scared of. Just go for it. Yeah, this is true. All right. Good luck. Nice talking to you.

Thank you. All right. Stand your ground. All right. We'll talk to you later. All right. Bye. Bye-bye.

Guys are stupid. You're really good at giving advice. Thanks. Yeah. Relationships suck. It's so hard I like the the premise I make every the general theme is that we try to like I know it's society and like we were raised in like this culture of guys get away with so much. Yeah. Oh, hi.

So she's the same one. She's like, what? I don't want to say what I want. I know. Why? It's just. It's weird. How's it going?

Good. How are you? Great. What's your name? Good. My name is Julia. I am 27 years old. Calling you from Ottawa, Canada. Hey, what's up, Canada?

What's up? Okay, I will try not to ramble because this is like a lot of things kind of coming into one. But I've been in a relationship with my guy for almost four years. We were like pretty good friends first. And then I came actually out of a long term relationship. And after that, we started dating. Everything's great. He's such a good guy. We have a really stable and happy relationship. But this but this past year I started to kind of think about how I might want to table with the idea of being an open relationship, which is a tough thing to approach. Um, but this past summer, um, I did bring it up to him. He wasn't super familiar with the, like, obviously he knew what

noble relationship was, uh, but wasn't super familiar with all the details of it. And he kind of shut it down right away. But I kind of decided that it was something that I needed in that moment. I was kind of feeling like I needed to be a little selfish. I needed to take some time to kind of do what I wanted to do and wasn't really able to be the relationship, the girlfriend that he deserved at that time. So we took a little bit of a break. And then in the end of it, I came out kind of feeling like it was never a question if I wanted to be with him or not. And by the end of it, I knew that for sure. And he kind of was oddly super supportive and was kind of fine with like

letting me do my thing for the summer. Uh, and then, yeah. So then we started, um, we got back together and we still live with each other. I'm rambling.

No, you're fine oh my goodness so you broke up continue to live together yeah okay yeah like we continue to live together um i was super super okay with him being able to do whatever he wanted the whole time um which he didn't really exercise and then then, yeah, we got back together. Everything's been good. We decided to not do the open thing. But now it's been about six months since that happened. And now I'm kind of wanting to do the open thing. And he's willing to do it. open thing and he's willing to do it but I think he's only willing to do it because I want to so basically my question is is it selfish to take him up on it if I know he's only saying yes

to make me happy yes yeah yeah I agree like I already know the answer to my question but at what point do I want to stay with this guy like we have a very stable relationship like he treats me so well and like vice versa I treat him really well um we've always just really been there for each other always been like super tight really good friends uh and we work well very romantically together um and I'm honestly super okay with him being intimate with people if that if that would be what he wanted to do but it doesn't really seem like that is the case and it is not something that I want all the time but it is something that say if i go away on like a trip if it randomly could happen sure yeah i don't know i mean listen um i think for you you probably need to figure out what is this really right is this i think i found

my guy i really like him and and I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I maybe met him too early in my life where I feel like I want to be a little bit more exploratory. And like, you know, for a summer you did it, then you got back together when you, you know, probably had some sacks and filled that need. And then some time passed and you thought that kind of that kind of getting bored again. And credit to you for wanting to do it in a very communicative way and upfront way because there's a lot of, especially men out there,

who just decide not to get complacent and then will like have the side check and lie about it and go through this phase. Meanwhile, they're always like thinking to myself, well, I found my wife. Like I I'm with my wife, but I, I'm not ready to be faithful or I'm not ready to be monogamous. So they will stay in these relationships and lie and be deceitful all while getting their cake and eat it too. So credit to you for doing that. My question to you is, is it that, or are you really open to actually being in an open

relationship for the rest of the foreseeable future? Um, I definitely am. I don't want to get married. I don't want to have kids. Okay. And that's something that me and my boyfriend have always been vocal about. Um, he's on the same page there. I do.

Pardon me? He's on that. And he, he's on the same page with you I do. Pardon me. He's on that. And he, he's on the same page with you about marriage and kids. Yeah. Same page. Uh, it was something that I brought up. So he's eight years older than me. Um, it was something that I brought up to him. Like as soon as we started to get serious, I was like, just a heads up. Like, I don't want to get married. I don't want to have kids. Like if that is something that you need, this will not work. But he was like, I'm good either way. So I just think moving forward, I think it's a little weird.

And again, I know this isn't like a normal way to think, but to just think that you're always going to have 100% from one person for, say, 50 years is just a little crazy to think about. What I do know is, like, this is my guy. And I know he feels the same way. Like, this is such a good, healthy relationship. So I'm just trying to figure out, like, more. I would say the higher percentage of people are traditional. Um, and I just want to kind of think like, is there a way to reach this discussion to kind of look at it on a realistic field and be like, I feel so secure with what we have that if there's

ever a chance that say you're out and you feel the need to do something with someone else, like that wouldn't really bother me. And because it's so emotionalist, I think that it should kind of be vice versa. Yeah. Like, is that crazy to think? I mean, listen, every relationship is different. And as long as you guys are on the same page, we're not here to judge untraditional or unconventional relationships. The problem is with you is you guys aren't on the same page. And so right now, like the answer to your question is, yeah, I guess it's a little selfish. Sure.

And you seem to be aware of that. Um, you are feeling, this is literally about you meeting your needs and it's not about meeting his needs. You're not meeting your needs as a couple by having an open relationship. So you have a couple options. You can follow through with this desire of yours and hope that he sounds like for the most part, you guys are on the same page and he loves you and he's accepting of you and he's just maybe not comfortable with the concept because maybe let's be honest, it's just not traditional.

We don't talk about it. It's not a common thing with something we grow up thinking we shouldn't do. We grow up thinking it's wrong. So there's a lot of barriers. I think that I'm not, I'm not into that. I'm not in an open relationship, but there's a lot of barriers that people who even considered it like have to break down. So he could come around.

barriers that people who even considered it like have to break down. So he could come around. The other alternative is he could grow to resent you because he's trying to be okay with something he's not for the, because he loves you and he doesn't want to lose you and he's trying to make you happy. And right now he's only focused on meeting your needs. You've accepted his, his,

his gratitude. You've taking advantage of it because you're being selfish right now. That's okay. No judgment. And eventually he's going to be like, fuck this. Yeah. And eventually he'll just be like, fuck this, you know, and it will snowball and you might, you know, the fact that you're so, you're so convinced that he's your person, you could be jeopardizing that because you're kind of like, okay, I mean, if you're okay with this, I'll do it. But deep down, you know he's not really okay with it.

You know? Yeah. I mean, I 100% get that. That's what you have to figure out. And I think maybe just have more conversation with them. It's like, cause is he, you don't think that you don't think that he would take advantage of the

open relationship on his end? I, yeah, I don't. Um, like in the three months we kind of took that like weird break. He, um,

like kissed one girl like one night and, kissed one girl, like, one night. And for you, you just want to step out just, like, not any type, just purely sex? It's not even specifically sex. I just, if, and again, I live in a not not small but small-ish town um there's like nothing really here that i i i'm not attracted to like that many people like it doesn't happen all the time um i just and it's not really a worry so i don't know if this sounds weird it's not so much a worry of like when i'm here um like where we live I get the excitement of a travel trip planned this year yeah I don't

know I just like it's not even about sex specifically but just like hey if I meet someone I'm out with my girlfriend we like flirt a little bit and then like make out like I just like don't I personally don't look at that as a big deal where I do know that like some people can and there's no issue with that but I would never be offended if my boyfriend did that yeah sure I don't know let me ask you this when you took your break you had sex with other men uh yeah does he know about it yeah he does so it's not like one of those things where he's like I don't i don't want to know he knows you actually had sex okay he was honestly like so supportive through it um so you know maybe

like i guess that's good that he knows right because it would be a red flag to me if he was like i just don't want to know yeah and that would tell me he just is he's just trying to avoiding reality and hopes that you're happy but he's heard it he's faced it he's a different breed of person like he's very he we we were like such close friends before we started dating that he's always just been and like not like a schmuck like he's not getting this right on the stick here like but he was like you're going through something like take the time. I want you to be happy. And then if we work it out in the end, we work it out in the end. Like, yeah. I mean, if, if I had to try to give you advice without like knowing about that

world too much, it would be, you've done this once. I wouldn't keep doing it this way. Right. It sounds like you have a guy who's open to trying to communicate with you and meet your needs and it makes sense and it sounds like he's pretty understanding so i would say hey listen you know how i feel about this you know what i want but i don't want to put pressure on you but like i don't really want to do this if you're open doing it with me right and i'm not saying that to guilt you but like and just keep talking about it and like keep that conversation going because maybe one time he's like you know what fuck it i'm going to i'm gonna try it seems like you guys have been able to have these experiences and not build you know have this fight so like encourage it not force

it don't make because you really want him to want to do it for himself, not for you at this point. I do actually. Yeah. So just keep letting him know that it's something that you're open to and that it's an option for him. But like if he wants to try it, then you'll support it and then kind of keep checking in. Yeah. I think definitely the communication, the honesty and the transparency through it all is going to be the one thing that's really important. Yeah. It feels like if you keep going down this path of taking advantage of his willingness

to be cool with it, it's eventually going to blow up. Yeah. Which I honestly, I haven't read, like we talked about it kind of recently, but since we like, so in the breakup, he, like, researched a lot about open relationships. And he was like, okay, I kind of have more of an understanding about really what it is. Like, the person that you're with, like, is your person. And, like, that's who your person is. And you're completely honest with everything.

So he kind of, once he did his research on it, he was like, oh, that is something, like, I could definitely table. Oh, that's good. Yeah. I have some friends who are in untraditional relationships. There's definitely a community there. Totally. Right? So maybe you guys as a couple research and there's even events or stuff like that.

And maybe you explore that and like hang out with couples and not, don't hang out with couples with the intent of hooking up, but just become more familiar with that world. And maybe even just talking to him about like, you know, setting boundaries, you know what I mean? Like to make him maybe make him feel more comfortable. It's not like a thing that's like,

yeah, I'm going to get the person's number and continue this on, you know, being really specific and setting those boundaries might make him feel a little bit more comfortable to ease him into it. Yeah. Because if, if it's a thing he's never considered or processed and he, you know, it's out of

law. You guys, everyone's more traditional, right? For the most part, the community is. So he seems pretty open-minded, clearly. So he just, there might be a barrier for him to just say, am I actually in an open relationship? You know, like some people just like, they say no. Cause it's like, I don't, I'm not that guy, you know, or I'm not that girl. And maybe he is, he just hasn't accepted it yet. So he certainly seems open. So there might be an option there,

but I think you just, the focus is stop doing this by yourself. Uh, see if as a couple, you guys can do this. Yeah. And it might be like a process of just continuing to have conversations and maybe in a year or something, he's like, you know what? I want to try this, but I think it,

the, he needs to make the first move. Yeah. And then I'm like, I'm happy and I'm patient and waiting for that as well. That's great. Yeah. I mean,

it sounds like you're, I don't, I don't know anything about this, but it sounds like you know what, like you're doing it in the most healthy and communicative way possible and, and giving it a real shot. And, uh, you're seemed self-aware enough and it sounds like he might be the type of guy who could eventually be down. Great. All right. Well, good luck. I appreciate you taking the time. Yeah, keep us posted.

I'm certainly curious how this progresses. So check in with us in the future. It should be a good time. I'm coming to L.A. with my girlfriend in April to go to stagecoach, actually. Oh, maybe you'll run into a bunch of bachelor people. If by then, if you guys are in an open relationship, best of luck down there. Wear a condom. Yeah. Not Blake though. Yeah, probably not. All right. Take care. All right. Best of luck. Have a great day. All right. Bye-bye. I'm fascinated by open relationships. I will admit that I think I understand the idea is hot. Yeah. The idea

that I could be in a relationship and I could be okay with that. It's great. It's hot. Have your cake and eat it too. And I don't even mean just me like doing it with another girl. I mean, being a guy who could be okay with that. There's something that is potentially stimulating. I just, I don't really ever want to go there. And because once you go there, then it's like if it isn't... If it's... If it blows up, you did it.

You know? Yeah. I guess you could always go back. It's interesting because couples do break up and they do have sex with other people and then they get back together and we're... Couples survive that. You accept the fact that have sex with other people and then they get back together. And we're, couples survive that. Totally. And you accept the fact that they slept with other people.

Yeah, I mean, people get cheated on and they get over it and you forgive and you move on. And the one thing I have learned with people in open relationships, they, whether you consider it strange or not, they have some of the strong, like the most, there's a lot of honesty going on there. Yes, but that's the key.

Both parties have to be super down and like it needs to be very clear what it is. She seems like she's, you know, very communicative, like you said, and honest. And I think that's just the key, like super transparent, setting those boundaries of like, it's just stays here.

Like if she's traveling, it just stays on the trip. It's not going to like linger and bleed over into like our home life. Totally. Yeah. For me, it's just like I feel like I've had my fun. So if I eventually get to settle down, like I want to just have that person.

But I get it. And I get like she, I don't, how old was she? She was young. Yeah. So like, it's like you meet someone at an early age and you're just like, I'm not done having sex with other people, but I really like you. Yeah. I commend her for being honest with him

because a lot of guys don't. A lot of guys just cheat. Or women will do it too. It's not just guys. Open relationships to me seem like a good idea in theory, but I'm a lunatic. So I would be like, who the fuck is that person?

I don't know. I don't think I just I don't I personally I don't think I could do it but I get the point that like humans like it's a long time to be with one person for the rest of your life forever forever it's interesting because like I haven't had a I haven't been in a committed relationship for a long time I have had uh girls that uh I've dated and by dated I mean like we we've we've talked for say four or five months. And within those four or five months, we will hook up from time to time, but we're not, it's very clear that there's no, and that usually that clarity comes from me. And there's a variety of reasons. And

like, for me, it's a big idea to like, hey, we're not in a relationship. So I know like we, we're not dating. And there are sometimes, you know, and I'm not a a relationship so I know like we we're not dating and there are sometimes you know I and I'm not a robot right so like if I hang out with someone and I'm intimate with them like it's not just about sex always and so like I can get jealous and I might be like yeah so uh yeah like have you who what uh what you're doing and um sometimes they've admitted that they've like gone on a date or messed around or whatever. And there's just like this weird kind of,

I know we're not together. So I don't feel cheated on. I don't feel betrayed. And that's the thing. There's a jealousy there, but there's a weird like, I'll admit that sometimes it's, I'm jealous,

but it's weirdly kind of erotic. Right. Right. Because it's so bizarre. Itotic. Right. Right? Because. It's so bizarre. Yeah, it's a challenge. I get the concept. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. And I have friends who do it, and they're just so connected. They're so on the same page. Yeah. How's it going? Good. How are you? Good.

What's your name? My name's Jenny. I'm 25. Hi, Jenny, 25. I live in New York. All right. How can we help, Jenny, 25? how are you good what's your name my name's jenny i'm 25 hi jenny 25 new york all right how can we help jenny 25 so i had a question um i went to i went out on a bar date last saturday with a friend and i told him i was tired when i showed up and I didn't want to stay out long. Okay. And we had a few drinks and then he was wondering what we should do next. And he said to me, he's like, okay, I have three options.

We can stay for another drink, go to another bar. We can call it a night and just go home or we can get a six pack and go back to your place. That's four options. So I was like, yeah, well, it was like the first one was like one option and guy code what that means is i'm gonna say three things i don't want to do i want to do that and then i'm going to give you the option that i want you to say yes to but i'm gonna give you a bunch of options and make it seem like i'm not down to fuck. Correct. And before he said his last option, which was obviously what he wanted to do, he paused

for a little bit because I'm sure he was nervous to say it. Or. I told him that I was tired. Okay. Go ahead. Yeah. No, no, go ahead. Don't please.

I'm just. I said that I was tired and I just wanted to go home. Okay. And he said, all right, that's fine. Like an adult or did adult or like a baby? No, like an adult. Okay. All right.

And then? And then, so we walked home because I lived close to the bar. And I asked him what he was going to do. And he was like, I'm going to call an Uber when I get to your place, but I want to walk you home because it was late at night. I said, that's fine. So we get back to my apartment and he just came up. It's awkward. What am I going to do?

Be like, okay, well, are you going to call the Uber now as we're standing outside of the door? Well, I mean, not to make you feel bad, but yeah. Yeah. Okay. She has a little bit more time. Yeah, I guess I could have done that, but I just felt really, I felt bad. Like, I don't know.

Well, my first advice to you is stop feeling bad saying what you want to guys. Like, stop worrying about guys' feelings in a dating situation. Especially, you know, about what you want. Like, don't be a dick, but that's not being a dick. So like your, what you want. Yeah. That's, that's, that's really a big deal. Like you should, I mean, we see this a lot and we've seen this in these, these stories, uh, the Aziz Ansari story, obviously a sensitive subject, but like the big argument is, you know, guys who get sensitive, like, well, why don't you say something and listen, like throughout society and throughout

our culture, like, you know, there's a reason why for some reason, uh, young women or women, all women feel like they don't want to embarrass guys. They feel bad. And somehow that makes them, it doesn't make you a dick, right. It doesn't make you wrong. And, you know, we're just, we're, we're just trying to make people feel okay. Specifically women for saying, if I'm not comfortable, especially you've already stated what you want, right. And that's fine. If he wants to walk you home, he's being a gentleman, nothing wrong with that, but it's a dick move on his part to like, what he was doing is manipulating, right, the situation. He wasn't taking no for an answer. He wasn't walking you home for your safety.

He was walking you home hoping he can come out fine. And then he came up? And then he came up. But like, then you felt bad, right? So like, I'm not trying to, don't, try not to feel bad. In the future, I'm giving you permission to not feel bad. He'll be fine. And if he's not fine, then he's a dick. And it wasn't completely that to feel bad in the future. I'm giving you permission to not feel bad. He'll be fine. And if he's not fine,

then he's a dick. Completely that I felt bad, but I wanted to like, I want to be his friend. And I felt like if I said rudely or just saying, okay, can you call an Uber now or go home that he would get pissed off and like, not want to be my friend anymore.

Do you want to, do you want to be friends with someone who would be pissed off for you for not wanting to invite him up to your house? Well, I would hope that he'd realize that. Well, give him an opportunity to show you what kind of friend he's willing to be for to you.

Right. Yeah. All right. So anyways, you're up, you're up in the apartment. So we're up in my apartment. Um, I go to the bathroom and then I change into some like ugly ass pajamas and then I come out and sit on my sofa and he's sitting on one side and I'm sitting

like probably like two people away from him over and we're just sitting there and talking, um, probably back and forth for about 20 minutes and i was yawning and saying i was tired just giving him clues that hey it's time to go call an uber and finally after like 20 minutes he got on his phone and was like okay i'm gonna call an uber now and then he paused and said i mean unless you would like to ask me to stay and it's like we're not sitting here making out on my couch. Like there wasn't any like foreplay or anything going on about like we were just going to fuck. It's like, it was clear.

Cause if that was going to happen, it would have happened right away. Yeah. Or you would have said, I want to go back to my house with you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Or that. And then, and then what happened? And then what happened? So then I just said, yeah, I'm tired. And he and he said okay and he got up and was walking towards the door and was just like man goodbye i guess i'll text you later and what's your question yeah i mean i have a lot to say already but do you have a question so yeah my question is why do guys feel that they're entitled to get laid when they go out with someone for a drink or just at all times?

I feel like guys just feel the entitlement that pussy is what they deserve, no matter who you're dating. I'm asking, I actually have a question for both of you. Do you feel like that's the majority of men or do you feel like that's some men? That's the majority. Majority. Yes. Okay. Okay. That's, that's a bummer to hear. It's a bummer for us too. How, how, how close, how, how. You're going to say it's majority of men that you probably surround yourself with. No, no, no. I'm not judging you. No. That was an honest question. Like, listen, I'm very thankful for the parents I have and the friends I've surrounded myself with, but

like, I, I haven't been that, I don't do that. And I'm, listen, I'm, there might be a situation where I might not have been aware of, but I, I, I'm the thought of someone thinking I'm creepy or a woman ever thinking that I made her feel uncomfortable is my greatest nightmare. And so I like to be aware of that. I'm surprised to hear stories that men don't seem to care. And I have my mom to thank for that, for making that a really important thing that she raised me and my dad. That being said, I'm curious, how close of friends are you with this guy? Do you feel safe around him?

Yeah, absolutely. You do. I don't feel like he would ever do anything against my will. Here's what I think. Would you be open to the possibility in a very safe environment, in a comfortable environment, saying, can I, you say to him as a friend, saying, can I, you say to him as a friend, Hey, Tom, listen, I'm going to say this as a friend, and I don't want you to get defensive, but the other night you made me feel really uncomfortable. I don't think you're a bad guy and I don't think you have bad intentions, but I just want to point out how you made me feel in that situation. And here's why tell the story you told to me, like, play it back from your point of view. And hopefully he understands why, like, listen, I respect that you wanted to come up. I,

Hey, I'm a hot chick. I'd want to have sex with me too, but I made it clear what I didn't want. And then you kept trying and listen, I don't mind you giving me the option to go back to my place, but then, and I appreciate you walking me home cause that's the gentleman thing to do, but it was pretty obvious looking back that you didn't walk me home to make sure I was safe. You walked me home hoping that hoping I wouldn't come up. And then you came up and like every step of the way you made me feel like you expected to have sex with me.

And it made me feel really uncomfortable, uncomfortable in my own home. And I hope that, and like, I'm going to trust that like you are deep down a good person and maybe you don't realize this and maybe no one ever told you this, but like, do you really want other women to see you this way? Because that's how I felt and that you made me feel really uncomfortable. And if you can do that and you feel like you're in a safe place to do that, then, I mean, cause the only way to try to change this narrative for guys is like to fucking tell them, you know, and someone's not telling them. And I like to believe that guys, most men are

good natured and they're just haven't been taught or didn't have the upbringing or whatever, but like we got to start communicating this way. And again, I don't think in any way that you should put yourself at risk. If you feel unsafe, it's not necessarily your job to teach him, to teach him. But if you do absolutely feel safe and he is your friend and, and you think he would handle this in a non defensive threatening way, then maybe pointing out, and maybe it's in an email, right? Maybe not face-to-face. Maybe it's on a FaceTime over the phone, right? Like I do, I want to emphasize that you should put yourself in the safest situation possible to explain this

to him, but I'd be curious what he has to say, you know? Because everything you said, the story you told is not okay, right? You know, this story, like again, these Aziz Ansari story, like in you, the show, the morning show, like we're starting to like in the, it's not about like the Harvey Weinsteins of the world because those guys are monsters, right?

We're living in the gray of guys assuming they can manipulate and pressure women into having sex all under the cloak of like, well, she didn't say no. And that's the biggest takeaway is the second that you got to your house, you need to be able to feel like you can say, thanks so much for walking me home. I'm going to bed. Good night. And not feel like I just didn't want to make him feel bad because I want to be his friend. Like for you and every situation moving forward, your needs,

how you feel, what you want have to come first, regardless of how that's going to make someone feel. Cause if he's your friend, he'll be like, okay, cool. But the fact that he like kept like pushing it and pushing it, it's just like, I don't like that at all. And if that ever happens to you again, you have to be assertive and being like, I don't give a fuck if you're not going to be my friend. I'm going to bed now. Told you what I wanted. Good night.

And that's the bottom, bottom line. And in that moment, you shouldn't feel bad for him. You should feel good about yourself that you did that. Because it's only going to be those situations that this kind of epidemic that we have where I asked two women, are guys, are the more guys like that than not? And you both like, without even thinking about it, be like, yeah, yeah, it is like some way we have to change, change the narrative. But I feel you because I felt like that too. So many times, especially like in my twenties,

where I would be like, I don't want to say anything like, because I just, I don't want to like make him feel uncomfortable. Or I just like, I don't want to say anything because I don't want to make him feel uncomfortable or I don't want to start something. I'm just going to move on. He left. It was fine. It's not helping the problem, and we're not asserting our power and what we want, and it's not okay.

It's really not. Yeah. You shouldn't be made to feel comfortable in your own home to not be able to ask someone to leave when you want to go to bed. And then every step of the way, he's huffing and puffing, making you feel like you've done something wrong when he's the one who's been like creepy this whole time. Uh, and again, like imagine a scenario where for whatever reason you felt like, Oh, whatever, let's just do this. And then only to like hook up. And even if you had made out

with them, maybe if it was like first or second base, you're always like, I didn't want to do that. Yeah. You know? Yeah. And that's not going to be a good feeling that you have. And like, I commend you for like standing your ground and getting him to leave. But like I said, if you felt comfortable and if this guy is a friend and you believe that deep down he's a good person, I would be curious if you found a safe way to let him know how that made you feel, uh, and hopes that he would be willing to listen and learn from it and hopes that he wouldn't want to ever put any other woman, including yourself in a situation like that. Again, it could be a positive thing for him to learn. Um, you know,

I think we need to find more allies in this space than, than, than enemies. Um, you know, and hopefully like, you know, the guy, I keep saying the Aziz Ansari, sorry, cause that was so like, that's what this was, right? Like here's a situation where like he clearly wanted to have sex. She didn't want to. And it seemed like she felt like for whatever reason she had to do that to make, you know, and again, it's so these gray areas, but like hopefully now he's more aware of that and he's in tune to it and he's checking in more. Like guys need to check in more with women, not A, not assume, and then B, not try to convince.

And again, like listen, when you're dating and yeah, there's always that flirty like, hey, you know, like listen, there's always that banter of that tug and war. We're not talking about that. You made it really clear what you didn't want. Yeah. Right? More than one.

Yeah. And he kind of kept trying to find sly ways to like literally wear you down. You just, yeah, you just got to put your foot down and be like, all right, you got to go home. Like, you're my friend. You got to go home. I'm going to bed. And like if he can't understand that as your friend,

then he's probably not your friend. Yeah. We really appreciate you calling. I think these are like important calls to, to have women in your position, hear these stories. I don't know. Yeah.

I, it's unfortunate that women are, this happens all the time and that for whatever reason you feel bad, you're not the only one who feels bad. And I hope it doesn't sound like I'm judging you for letting him up or anything like that, because it's unfortunately a common theme. I'm just like, oh, fine, come up, whatever. I don't want to be rude. But like Steph said, you shouldn't feel bad at all. And it's tricky because, you know, I've even said this on other episodes and then, you know, women have written in and be like, i sometimes say yes because i feel scared of what if i say no i mean and you realize wow i guess i never thought about

that so um trying not to feel bad and always think what's the best what's the you know say no in a safe place you know because especially like hey if you ever get that sense in the future don't let him walk you home if you think is, why is he walking me home? Because then you're saying no to him at a bar in public, you know, as opposed to like by yourself at night on the street. Right. So I'm sorry you had to go through with that.

That sucks. And I'm sorry it was a friend and it must feel violating and gross, but... Stand your ground. Stand your ground. Stand your ground. You did the right thing. You shouldn't feel bad.

And if you feel safe enough to let him know, maybe it could turn into a positive thing. True. Yeah, I think I'm going to talk to him about it. Good. All right. Just make sure you feel safe when you do it. FaceTime him.

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. I don't think you need to do it in person. Well safe when you do it. FaceTime them. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. I don't think you need to do it in person. Well, thank you. Yeah. All right. Thank you. Really appreciate you calling.

Uh-huh. All right. Bye. Bye-bye. It's the worst. I'm sorry. Yeah, no, it fucking sucks. I've so been there so, so, so many times.

And I just, when I look back at like my early twenties now, you know, like I just turned 30, I, I would not like, I am very comfortable now asking for what I want and telling people what I want. And, and I just didn't have that confidence. And I don't know if it's like, it's, I mean, it's definitely a societal thing where it's like, women are just made to feel like we have to please and not ruffle feathers and it's just like it's damaging uh well so i really appreciate you uh doing this with me thank you it's been awesome uh welcome to come back anytime i'd love to come back i really love your perspective you give great advice i mean now i'm gonna call you all the time thanks

uh well as always we appreciate you guys listening. Thanks for listening. Like I said, thanks for our callers for calling in, especially our last caller. I mean, calls like that, I think, are important to let people know that this is still something we are dealing with. Don't forget to send your questions at asknickatcastmedia.com, cast with a K.

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