The Viall Files - E947 Ask Nick - I Have A Crush On My Husband's Best Friend

Episode Date: June 9, 2025

Our first caller wants help dealing with our monster mother in law? Our second caller has a crush on her husband’s best friend. And, our third caller needs help navigating dating someone who just got out of a relationship.  “You’re focusing too much on s*x and that’s making him very defensive." Listen to Humble Brag with Cynthia Bailey and Crystal Kung Minkoff every Monday starting October 21st! Available wherever you get your podcasts and YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@humblebragpod  https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/humble-brag-with-crystal-and-cynthia/id1774286896 https://open.spotify.com/show/4NWA8LBk15l2u5tNQqDcOO?si=c03a23d537f94735   Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice, send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on this podcast please email: [e-mail] or go to: https://advertising.libsyn.com/theviallfiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: BetterHelp - Talk it out, with BetterHelp. Our listeners get 10% off their first month at https://betterhelp.com/viall  Article Furniture - Article is offering our listeners $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more. To claim, visit https://article.com/viall and the discount will be automatically applied at checkout.  Butcher Box - Right now, ButcherBox is offering our listeners $20 off their first box and free protein for a year. Go to https://butcherbox.com/viall to get this limited time offer and free shipping always. Function Health – In the spirit of Long Live and taking control of your health, get a $100 credit towards your annual membership at https://functionhealth.com/viall  Quince – For the dad who deserves better than basic—Quince has you covered. Go to https://quince.com/viall for free shipping on your order and three hundred and sixty-five -day returns. Timestamps: (00:00) - Intro (00:13) - Caller One (28:50) - Caller Two (01:06:52) - Caller Three Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @justinkaphillips @dereklanerussell  

How's it going? Good. How are you? Good. What's your name? My name's Ellie and I'm 28 years old. How can I help, Ellie? So my mother-in-law, soon-to-be mother-in-law is a monster and I just do not know how to deal with

her and like protecting my peace basically. Gosh. So you're not, she's currently, she's technically not your mother-in-law yet. Not yet. We are getting married April 4th, 2027. So we're like kind of far out, but we're getting there. Okay, all right. What makes her a monster in love? So when I first originally met her, when I was still dating my fiancee, so he was my boyfriend at the time, she was great. We were really close, everything was fine. We had casual conversations, everything.

I was invited to a lot of holidays and stuff like that, but then basically once I got the ring on my finger, everything went downhill so fast. What was the first thing you noticed that changed? One of the things definitely that I noticed changed is when my fiance, he has a daughter from a previous relationship. So when I got introduced to her

and we started becoming close, that's when I kind of started to notice a change that it like, I don't know if she felt like I was replacing her in his daughter's life or whatnot, because she still has a great relationship with her. It's just like, I thought she would be happy that I was coming in as like a second mother figure to this child and she just was not happy

about it whatsoever. And that is like your read on the situation or was something said specifically that made it very clear that she wasn't happy? She definitely said some things. She didn't like some of the parenting choices we made together as a couple once I started meeting the daughter

and like just me getting in, like just like little things with homework or the way she styled her clothes and things like that. And then like rules around her cell phone. That was another thing that his mom just hated that I did. So and that she felt like it was all me who made these rules. But it was definitely a discussion between the two of us. Like, yeah, this is what we decide on as a couple

for his daughter as like a parental unit. What's his daughter's relationship with her mom? They have a great relationship. So just like, it was kind of just a past relationship. They had a kid and then they just decided moving forward, like they weren't good enough in a relationship, but we have, all three of us have like a really good co-parenting schedule and everything, there's never like times where

we can't see his daughter or, you know, we butt heads on things, we all just have really over the past year and a half really got a good co-parenting down, basically. So the obvious question is what role is your fiance playing in this dynamic and why isn't he able to diffuse this tension between you and his mom? So the reason is is he does not take his mom's side at all. He stands up for me every single time and she hates that every single time. Like he'll

she'll say something and he's like mom that's not cool you're being really rude and she hates that 100% so it's just the good news is they don't have the best relationship either so that's like already so before Ivan came in there was already bad tensions between those two so then it just kind of got worse when I got it basically so and what have you tried to do anything directly? Like have you tried to have a sit down with mom and just say, hey, you know, like, what's up? Yeah, we've had two sit down conversations.

The first one was right after we got engaged because she just started flipping out on us for little things and said we were very selfish for going on a trip right after we got engaged and not bringing his daughter. We were like, well, it's just a trip for us to to like celebrate this new engagement and everything and to start looking at wedding venues together. And we didn't really want anybody else's opinion right away for

wedding venues. So she didn't like that his daughter wasn't invited and that nobody else was invited. I even like, so I go to counseling regularly and I have sat down with my counselor and I'm like, I need the help getting out my emotions because I'm a very emotional person. I cry when there's conflict. So like, I even wrote a letter to her being like,

you know, I'm really just confused as where our relationship went wrong. Is there anything I did? How can I fix that? And she just never could give me pinpoint examples of where I went wrong. And she felt like I was being rude. She just said, you were being rude.

And I was like, okay, well, can I have like examples? And she was like, well, it was in the past, but you were being rude at that point. So when we have these sit down conversations, like we both get out our feelings and we let his parents get out our feelings and we let his parents get out their feelings, but they just nothing ever gets fixed. We've even tried distance too. And it's hard because we

all live proximity pretty close to each other. But even the distance like we're like, hey, we just need some time to diffuse the situation and they don't respect it whatsoever. At all. And when you say they include like his dad in that or her partner? Yeah, his dad, his dad more just like plays a role as kind of like a referee. I would kind of say like he never gets into the conflict, but if like he feels like it's getting too tense or whatnot, he'll be like, all right, everybody just needs to calm down.

But he's never said any like rude comments to me or my fiance. And when you say calm down, like are you raising your voice? Are you yelling? I know you said you're an emotional person, but like how elevated are these? My fiance is a yeller, but he's a loud talker in general.

So it's kind of hard to differentiate like yelling aloud. He will get very frustrated with his mom and he will yell and then both like his dad and I will come in and be like, all right, there's no reason to yell, let's all just like talk in a normal volume.

What specifically is he getting frustrated by when it comes to mom? So he's had some personal problems that he's had to get over in the past and his parents helped him a lot in the past through like his recovery journey and things like that, but they hold it over his head. They're like, well, you messed up in the past.

And now we have the right to bring it up whenever we want to. How do they bring it up? They'll basically say, you know, back when you were an addict, you were exhibiting the same exact behavior. So are you using again? Are you doing that? Or like if we're like, hey, you know, we're trying out this new parenting technique with his daughter, she'll be like, well, it's good

because back when you were an addict, you were never a parent. And then like those things just aren't useful at all. Like, I don't know why she feels the need to bring those up. Yeah, not helpful. Two things here that you can try to work on. Because like, you know, I can't talk to grandma.

And I don't, and I doubt she's gonna call in. Oh God, no, she would, no. It's so funny, we were like, she will never, because we've even tried like group counseling together, or like even saying like, hey, maybe we can all sit down as a family because she very much involves the brother a lot that my fiance has to kind of also diffuse.

He'll like after a fight, we'll text him and be like, hey, you need to apologize to mom. And he's like, well, do you know what mom said to me and Ellie? And he's like, no, but just apologize and just diffuse the situation. We don't need any more conflict kind of thing. Okay, grandma's not calling in

and we're not gonna change grandma. So I think that's one thing that you and your fiance need to accept that like right now, I think you're approaching this from the mindset of how do I change my mother-in-law so we can get along better. Yeah. Because you think she's wrong.

And she probably is. And it sounds like you are at least trying to like get on her level. You've tried to like say, hey, you know, where did we go wrong? Right? So one, you probably could work on dealing with conflict better than you do now.

Yeah. Right? Yeah. Right? Yeah. So when she's just like saying, well, I don't know, it's in the past or you were just rude. I mean, you could challenge her if you wanted to. Again, I don't know what's gonna come of that, but I do think that could be something

you generally work on in general. And just like, you could almost use your mother-in-law because like she fights unfairly as people often do and it's not they're not trying to resolve conflict. I don't know what your grand your mother-in-law's motivation is but it's it's not peace right it's not resolution it is probably control of some kind influence of some kind right she weaponizes, obviously, her son's sobriety and maybe just your desire to be close with the family against you, and then she says and does the things

that she's doing. And then when you try to resolve it, she's now just like, well, I don't know, it's in the past and you were just rude to me. It's just like, okay, you know. And yeah, I would say, well, if you can't remember, then I don't know, there's nothing really to resolve. But I would just ask her, it's just like, okay, you know. And yeah, I would say, well, you know, if you can't remember, then I don't know, you know, there's nothing really to resolve.

But like, I would just ask her, it's just like, well, is that your, you know, yeah, it's just more like, if you can't remember, I would challenge her on like, if you can't remember, then how do you know I was rude? And is it just because, or were we just, was I rude or did we just disagree on a topic? Yeah, that's a good one.

And then how do you, you know, and you can say also like, you know, I always appreciate feedback on how I can better communicate with you, but I do get frustrated that you seem uninterested the way you communicate to me and how it makes me feel. Have you ever considered how you speak to me? And if that's ever rude, I don't even think she cares or considers it.

You know what I'm saying? She thinks she's in a position where, you know, she looks down on you like a child the same way she probably does her son and, you know, a girlfriend he would maybe bring home as a 15 year old. Yeah. Again, like that's just something just getting better at like conflict resolution.

But the solution to your problem really is to care less. Yeah. Well, listen, what you have going for you is the most important part is you have a partner that you seem to be on the same page with. You're not feeling disconnected from your partner. He does have your back, you know? And it's not like, oh, it's just like,

you know he sides with his mom, or he just like, I don't know, my partner doesn't like to get involved, or he hates conflict. I hear that all the time. So like, you have that going for you, or other people who have problems with some other in-laws don't, which is like, you and your partner are on the same page,

you also have a healthy relationship with the mother of his child. And so the three of you, that dynamic is far more important than mom-in-law. It just is, right? And what mom, what mom is not realizing, or maybe she does and is operating from a place of fear, is that she really has no control or power in the situation.

And that's what matters most to her. Okay. Right? Yeah. And the way you make her feel like what she does works is how much you care, and how you respond, and how your fiance responds. She triggers you guys, she gets you activated, she, you know, you wrote her a letter, you know?

Like, that's someone who cares. You know? She would never think to write you a letter. She doesn't even wanna like resolve conflict with you. She, you know, it's like she wants you caring about her. You know, so you not caring. You know, it's like if you, like, cause everything you've told me up until this point, nothing really, like it didn't require you to,

you know, you didn't need mom-in-law's permission to take this trip you didn't mean mom and you didn't mean her approval for anything any any of the stories you just told you didn't need her approval for any of that you wanted it now you didn't need it right yeah and you have to separate the fact that you want something versus need something yeah because what you need what you want from this woman is not anything that you want something versus need something. Yeah. Because what you need, what you want from this woman is not anything that you need. It's a, you know, it's a perk. And she operates from like a person

who really wants control. So like the best thing you guys could do is not let her get to you. Not let her get to you. You know, when she makes those rude remarks, you just ignore. Yeah. And you say, you know, if anything, you're just like,

that was, in the calmest possible way, that was unhelpful and hurtful, and I don't know why you say things like that, but you don't even engage with it. If you say anything, you say that. And you just, you don't, you know what I'm saying? You don't give her the attention. And then you are gonna have to accept the fact

that your relationship with her is not where you want it to be. Like you mentioned, you already tried distancing yourself. Like, again, I don't think this requires some sort of like, all right, we're just gonna ignore them for a month. We're gonna avoid them. I just think you just have more of a casual relationship. Okay. You can be busy, you know, you can

decline their requests to come over or invite you over if that ever happens. You can just be unavailable. You don't have to say we're we're not talking to you anymore. And if you want if you want to be in our lives, then you need to do blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, like she's not going to respond well to that. You know, you what I'm saying is you have to get to a place where you almost make her come to you. You and your partner go on with your life.

Focus on being a good co- you know, focus on helping your partner raise his daughter at his comfort level and his in the mom's comfort level. Because like, obviously, you know because obviously you wanna be respectful of that dynamic because it is their daughter. And it seems great that you are welcomed into that kind of partnership that they have. And I would just focus all your energy on protecting that. And because again, mother-in-law is just not really relevant.

She's not needed, She's not required. She wants to be wanted. And you responding the way you do is encouraging her to continue to do what she's doing. Yeah. And so you just have to accept that I can't change who she is. I'm not a therapist. I can't push her to treat her son differently and treat me differently. All I know is that like we honestly

don't need anything from her. And that's great that they were there for their son when he needed their help the most. And if they wanna throw that in his face, let them. But like he doesn't need them today, doesn't need their money, he doesn't need their approval. You know, you should always be respectful. You know, you should always lead with love.

You know, when they say hurtful things, I wouldn't fight fire with fire. I would say that was, I'm hurt that you said that, but I forgive you, but like, I'm not, I don't, you know, when they ask, well, why don't we see you guys anymore? Well, you know, sometimes it's not always a pleasant interaction, you know? But I think it comes down to,

you need to make her come to you too. You guys need to stop going to her and asking what's wrong. You've already tried that. And she's giving you nothing to work with because she's not interested in resolving the conflict. That's honestly, that's how I would approach it. I don't, you know, and it's might be, yeah, it's certainly not a short term resolution.

It's not like, hey, say this and everything's gonna be fine, but I can't control her. You know, but I think I feel pretty confident that you need to make her come to you. And in the meantime, just don't do anything or say anything that just adds fuel to the fire. Yeah.

Yeah. I think that's like what we're trying to do now is like very like when she does reach out for things, like if it's a question that needs an answer, like yeah, I'll answer it. But if it's just like simple things, like there's just no need to respond and no need to just, like you said, I think before when she would say rude things, we were so quick to defend ourselves that it just didn't help at all. Yeah, I mean listen, she's not your mom,

it's his mom, right? And so in a weird way, I'm not saying you should be happy about this, but in a weird way, it's almost a good thing that he's not that close with his mom or needs to be that close with his mom. So like, I would just follow your fiance's lead in terms of what he needs in terms of his relationship with his mom or his dad.

But don't be the partner who just likes the idea of being close with her mother-in-law, so much so that you force the issue and just make it easier for her to be mean to you. Because you want it so bad and she just doesn't want to give it to you because she doesn't have to because like, she just doesn't have to. And the truth is, she doesn't realize that she is not operating or negotiating from any position of power.

And you actually have more power than she does because you have a stronger relationship with her son and probably more access and a better relationship at least at this point with his daughter. And your partner, her dad, is obviously in the best position to control his daughter's access to whoever he wants and you are in the driver's seat there.

So you don't need to try to fix this faster than she wants it to. I understand that would be ideal. I understand if you had it your way, you would like to take the healthy approach and squash it, but you've tried that, it didn't work. So I would just let her come to you because right now when you're coming to her, like you're in her world.

It's like you're showing up on her home turf. Now it's just more like, yeah, hey, you want to play ball? You want to, you know, then then you need to show up and and meet your terms. And if she doesn't want you don't need not even asking her. It's like we need to wait for her to come to you. And I don't even know if that's gonna ever happen. This might be a stubborn old lady. But the more you don't need her

and the more that you show that energy and you act unbothered, if there is ever a chance for this woman to like come around, humble herself and try to extend an olive branch to you and her son, that will be the reason why. Gotcha, yeah, that makes be the reason why. Gotcha. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. I feel that's super helpful because I feel like

through counseling, I've always been told like, try to speak your feelings to her, try and do this, try and do that, but it's like exhausting because nothing ever gets solved. And I agree with whatever advice that you got from a therapist, but it sounds like you did that. And I don't think writing 17 letters is the, or making four different phone calls,

and just begging for this person's approval. Her response to what you said was dismissive and downplayed it, and again, told me that you're dealing with someone who doesn't like, isn't like, yeah, you're right. I honestly, I hate that we're fighting. You didn't get that energy. You just got the, you were rude to me. Again, she wants to operate from a position of power and she doesn't have any so yeah you have to very softly and and very casually show

her how much power she doesn't have yeah I think it's gonna be hard but that's definitely helpful 100% you can totally do it, yeah. But what will be hard about it? I think just because she is in our lives so much and especially with wedding planning coming up, she is trying to be involved, but she just hasn't been a very positive influence. So me and my fiance have been like, hey, listen, we're just not taking families

and no she's not contributing anything my parents are doing everything. There you go even better. Yeah. So again you know like I just wouldn't include her and then if she wants to ask why she's not involved you can tell her why. Yeah. Calmly just be like I you, you're not nice to me. And anytime I've tried to recommend our relationship,

you've been uninterested in doing that, but you gotta make her ask. And not in a mean way, she needs to come to you and say, in a very similar energy the way you came to her. And until she does that, I wouldn't give her anything to work with. Yeah. Unless your fiance comes to you and says,

hey, I really, this disconnect with me and mom, it's too much. Follow his lead, it's his relationship. I like having a relationship with my mother-in-law, but at the end of the day, I follow my wife's lead when it comes to, and they have a good relationship, but I'm gonna follow her lead

when it comes to the type of relationship that we wanna have with her. I don't go to Natalie and be like, well, girl, this is what you and your mom might be going through, and like that, or not that they're going through anything, but you know what I'm saying? I'm not like, well, I just,

I always wanna have a positive relationship with everyone. This is not your job to people, please, or whatever, and follow his lead, but you get what I'm saying. Yeah, I think I need to practice that a little bit better because I just kind of want like, we have great relationships with everybody else in the family, but then. Yeah, you gotta let that go.

This idea in your head that you're obsessed over, like I get along with everyone else, like this is like your need to be liked by people and the fact that your mother-in-law or future mother-in-law doesn't like you or you feel like she doesn't like you, it just bugs you. And that's an ego thing.

And that's something, like that, you need to let it go. You know? You need to have the confidence to say, I did my part. And if, you know, that's the part that like, you're not accepting and like, that's the ego part. Because it's not like you did nothing. It's not like you ignored it.

You didn't say, well, if you didn't say, fuck this bitch, if she's gonna treat me this way, I'm gonna treat her like that. It's not what you did. You did everything you say, well, if you didn't say, fuck this bitch, if she's gonna treat me this way, I'm gonna treat her like that. It's not what you did. You did everything you could, but now that you've done everything you can, you need to accept the reality of the situation and then do everything I just said, right?

You're not accepting that. You're stubbornly saying, no, people like me and I can get along with anyone and I'm not gonna have the one person who doesn't like me in this family be my mother-in-law. So I need to fix this. Yeah, that's very spot on. So let go of that mentality, pat yourself on the back,

and say, I did what I can, I need to let it go, right now I'm gonna focus my energy on my partner, baby mama, and the child, and your wedding. And keep the peace, and if she wants to be involved in your guys' life, she has to play by your rules, not the other way around. I like that. I will definitely try with all that, especially with the ego thing.

I don't think anyone's ever pointed that out before. So it's definitely, it hurts, but I mean, it's needed to be said kind of thing. It's normal. Listen, the worst things to be than the person who wants to get along with people. Yeah, that's true, yeah. But you just need to accept it.

So yeah, like the good news is, there are far other worse situations in terms of model laws. And there's a lot of things that you have going for you. So you need to let things play out. Okay. Okay. Yeah, I can definitely do that. All right, take care. All right, can definitely do that. All right, take care.

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How's it going? Hello, my name is Claire. I am 29 years old and I'm trying to figure out how to deal with a crush on my husband's friend. You have a crush on your husband's friend? So it seems. Okay, all right. Just wanted to make sure. Well, tell me about this crush. It's friend. You have a crush on your husband's friend. So it seems. Okay, all right, just wanted to make sure. Well, tell me about this crush.

It's strange. I've known this person for like 10 years, a little over a decade. Never felt anything literally up until like a year ago. Okay. And the reason I say I'm not, I guess, positive of if it is a crush is because I feel like it might be from issues between me and my husband and the intimacy. Because it only comes up when we're not

intimate for a while, and then I start having, I guess, fantasies, sort of. Okay. Let's start by what is the thing that is drawing you to this person? I don't know, I guess just like, closeness. Like we're friends, almost like, well I don't wanna say like family because that feels weird, but like, we're very good friends and he's just always very nice and compliments me, you know, like if we go out as a group,

like he'll say, oh you look nice, like things like that. I guess, I don't know. So, yeah, I mean, when you first like said, hey, I have a crush on my husband's friend, you know, the first thought that comes to mind is, yeah, like maybe it's not, especially when you said I've known this person for 10 years, like maybe it's like not a crush on him,

but maybe it's like something he's giving you that you're not receiving, you know, in the relationship, right? But to be clear, you haven't done anything with this person at this point physically, correct? Oh, no, no. Okay, so I guess Mike, you know, it makes sense that like you're feeling disconnected from your husband,

especially in the physical intimacy department, okay? That's normal for relationships, but why specifically his friend is the one, that's the part I'm trying to figure out because like you could be fantasizing, you could have a crush on a million different people out there, you know, but why specifically the friend that is driving you to fantasize about him

when you're feeling disconnected from your husband? That's a good question. I guess that's kind of what I'm trying to figure out. I don't know if it's just because they're very similar people. So I don't know. Or if it's just that it's the next closest, I guess, male to me.

Okay, very. Are you physically attracted to him? Kind of. It wouldn't be like the first, I mean like I knew him for a long time and I never was like, you know. So he's like an all right looking guy, you know, but it's not like he walked in the room

when you first saw him and you're just like, oh my God, he's just my type, your friend's my type. Yeah. Okay. Does anyone know about this? Two of my most closest friends. What did they say? Well, the one said that he has a Riz

and that's why I guess like just the vibes. And then the other one was just showing, I guess more concern for like my relationship with my husband. Tell me about your relationship with your husband. Like what's, I mean, you mentioned obviously there are times where you're feeling disconnected from physical intimacy, but like,

how big is this disconnect between you and your husband? It's strange because it's like, that's the only part where we're disconnected. Like, I mean, like, he's my literal best friend. We do everything together. But I feel like when it comes to, like, the past year or so, when it comes to having sex or even like the less physical intimacy,

like, I don't know, even just like those conversations that I feel like most normal couples have. I feel like that's where it kind of falls apart. And I don't know, I guess what like the change was. So like right now, you don't even feel like you're able to talk to your husband about your sex life? Like I can talk to him, but it's always like a short kind of quick response. And there seems to be like a lot of discomfort around it. How do you approach that conversation? Well, really awkwardly for a long time.

And like I used to tend to like turn it into a joke because I get uncomfortable and then I just start, I guess giggling and speaking very clearly uncomfortably. But I've been learning from, I have a therapist and we've talked about that. And so I've been trying to just be more direct and just say exactly what I'm feeling, but I feel like it comes out kind of like

how I'm talking now. Like it's always, like I'm very nervous. I don't know if that makes him more nervous or if it distracts him. I don't think your nerves make him more nervous, but I think your awkwardness might make an awkward situation stay awkward, I suppose, right? But it's also probably already awkward for him because But it's also probably already awkward for him because and I'm guessing like when you ask it Are you asking like why aren't don't we have more physical intimacy or why don't we have more sex or are you? How do you approach that conversation? So I've I have asked that before But I've also asked like for more affirmation because I like that's something that's missing too

So I've said like like do you said, are you still attracted to me? Do you still want to do that stuff? Or is there something that has changed? But I mean, the answer is always no, I love you. All those things. I just don't necessarily know if that's true. Have you said that part, last part to him? I have.

OK. So you've basically, you have communicated to him, like regardless of what his answer is, you feel like he may not be attracted, as attracted to you as he used to be, or you feel like he is less interested in having sex with you. Yeah.

And what did he say? It was kind of like apologizing, and then just saying like, that's not it. And then I know we've explored some other things because I mean, he's got a very stressful job. So he's like anxious and all that stuff too. So I think he's trying to get a handle on that stuff. So like right now that's kind of like what we're more

focused on, I guess, but it does feel like then this intimacy stuff has fallen to the side. Yeah, well yeah, I mean there's a time, listen, every marriage relationship has ups and downs and you kinda always have to play the long game, but it's like, okay, he's busy, he's got a job and whatever, he's anxious. And on the short term, I guess that maybe for our time being,

maybe you go through a slow period of intimacy, but it sounds like this has been going on for the better part of a year or two and it's less of a slow period and more of like a new normal. Yeah. So, I mean, I guess like crush on the friend aside, that's not like really the problem, right? The problem is obviously your connection with your husband, you know, this is like this, I don't know, you find his res or whatever attractive.

I don't know. I wouldn't tell anyone else that you have a crush on your husband's friend for fear of getting out. You haven't acted on it. You haven't done anything with it. I think it's just something that's maybe in your head because it sounds like you're trying to figure out answers on your own without the benefit of having a partner to figure out these answers with.

Yeah. Yeah, I guess that that sounds kind of right. You know, and I guess that is definitely a choice that your husband's making. And I think that's the biggest disconnect right now is making him understand that you feel this way. And while you're not blaming him, you're not even accusing him of anything.

You're not even asking for answers, but you want him to know how you feel and how some of his actions, intentional or not, make you feel, and then you want him to care. And then along with you, figure out how you too can bridge whatever gaps there are so that, I don't know what he feels in this relationship but I'm sure he has feelings too but

specifically to yours so that you can stop feeling this way because like regardless of whether you have a crush on his friend or not you constantly feeling this way for the better part of a year or year and a half is not sustainable it's just not so like that's your that's your big problem and figuring out how to resolve that you know because you're not, it's just not. So that's your big problem, and figuring out how to resolve that. Cause you're not, it's not like you're like, I'm in love with my husband's best friend, and I don't know what to do.

You're like, I think I have a crush, because I guess I fantasize about, like it just popped in my head, and I don't know, I'm just like, I wanna feel some validation, some love, I wanna feel like, it sounds like he's not giving you attention. And again, like I've been busy before too.

You know, I'm not justifying your thoughts and feelings or anything like that. But again, like every relationship gets busy. Every couple feels disconnected. Every person in a relationship can get caught up with all the other things going on in their life that they kind of take their partner for granted Everyone's done that right the difference between people who are

more successful in relationships than the ones that are not is that with when Presented with the problem they care they they address they they be like, oh, well, this needs my attention, you know, and I need to make sure that this, you know, is resolved. And that's the part where your husband seems to be falling short. Yeah. Have you present, you said you have a therapist, have you presented couples therapy? We do that. You do do that. What do you guys talk about in couples therapy? I mean, it's like, it's this every time. And I think that's also part of the problem. You talk about this topic every time?

Most of the time. What is being said in couples therapy? I don't know, just that like we need to like communicate better. And like that was part of like the, like what I was working on with my communication anyways, and that like we need to do more stuff together. And all the therapy that you and your husband have done together, has he said some version of, I don't like that my wife feels this way and I want us to fix it and I need to,

I need to do my part. I mean definitely like the first part, like he has said he doesn't like that. I feel this way and that sucks. But I guess the second part, not so much. Yeah, because right now it sounds like what he's saying is I don't like my wife feels this way, that sucks. But like I'm busy and I got a lot of shit going on and I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do about it

because like I can't change how she feels, but like I'm just telling her, I'm still as attracted to her as I was before. And like, I just don't know what I'm supposed to do about it. Yeah, so has your therapist pointed that out not necessarily I mean she's kind of gone like Not like that. We're on ends or anything. But like there have been Sometimes where she's like, hey, you know, he probably feels like you're nagging a little bit

Maybe we should stop talking about this every fricking time. And then there have been times when it's like, hey dude, like you have to do this, this and this to get it together so this can last. And how infrequently are you guys having sex? Well, for a while, it was like once a month maybe, but now it's like every week and a half-ish. How long you guys been married for?

Two years. How long you been together? Like those 10. Oh, like 10? Yeah. Okay, for a while. Yeah. Every week and a half's not the worst.

No. Man, I just feel like I'm not being helpful here. Like if your husband was on the phone, like if he was like there, like what would he say about all this? What do you think? I mean, forget about the friend part. Yeah, I mean, I honestly feel like he would say

he has no idea what I'm talking about and that he doesn't think there's anything wrong. Okay, so, okay, let me ask you this. Like, other than the actual act of sex, what are some things that you feel like your husband could do to make you feel better than you do now? I mean, the words of affirmation would be helpful because I think that's like,

like I'm not getting either the physical intimacy or like the, like I haven't been called beautiful in a long time or like sexy or any of those things. So I just don't feel, like I guess that's why I don't think like he's attracted to me because like, I mean, you never know what says it. Yeah, and it makes sense why like every time

his friend walks in, he's like, hey beautiful, how you doing? And you're like, really? Me? Yeah. Do you think he And you're like, really? Me? Yeah. Do you think he thinks you're exaggerating? Probably, yeah. If he were to hear you say,

he never calls me sexy anymore, or he doesn't call me beautiful, I don't remember the last time I heard beautiful, do you think he would be like, that's not true? I feel like he would say that, but I don't know that he would even know like how often he says it. Like what was the last time he like sent you flowers

or something? Oh, about a month ago, he like paid for me to get like a massage. Okay. All right. Do you like gifts? Not really, to be honest. Okay, yeah.

So not your love language that you needed, you know? No, but I think it's his giving one. Sure, I mean, that happens all the time in relationships. I mean, Nellie and I could still, I think every couple could be better at that. We're still not great at that. I think every person struggles because I think we don't realize how much the love language that we feel the most loved

is the ones we like to also do love, show love rather, like acts of service being my biggest one, that's how I show love. So I wanna show love that way, but it's not how Natalie often likes to receive love. It's like it doesn't come naturally to her. So it's tough because that's how I show love. I think every couple could work on that.

But what you just seem to like, at least what you're communicating is like this stubbornness from your husband to really like not try. When he does try, he just like, he does things that like aren't really thinking about what he, that that would make you happy. Yeah. Does he even like, when you are going into therapy, does he, are there like

short, are there brief moments of improvement at least, or at this point is he just like, he feels like you're nagging and, and just kind of dismisses you. I guess both. Like I, I feel like I'm nagging just cause it's, like I said, like every time it's the same thing that we're talking about and it's always like me starting the conversation. But like there's been a lot of growths like since we started. It's just it's so slow and like the parts that are growing are like the smaller parts that I guess are easier to fix, like doing more stuff together, like, okay, we can go for a walk or like, I guess just easier things to solve than like the problems we're talking about now.

Yeah, but I mean, so like quality time, not also a love language of yours. Not necessarily. Yeah, not as much as the other ones. Like that's kind of that's kind of the point of love languages, like, you know, like, sure, I like walks with my husband, but like, that's not how I feel the other ones. Like that's kind of the point of love languages. Like, you know, like sure, I like walk with my husband, but like that's not how I feel the most loved. You know, you need words of affirmation. You need physical touch, it sounds like.

Those are your two big ones. And he needs to recognize that while they may not be his, he needs to like on a regular basis, go out of his way to make sure that he is showing his wife love in the way that she receives it most. And if he doesn't, then he's running the risk of her not feeling your love. And then whether you look for it or not, you find yourself wanting that from that connection. I definitely don't want to bring up the front.

I don't know how productive, it would come in the form of a threat to just be like, I am getting frustrated to keep talking about it, but nothing changes. Yeah, well, and I've said that. And have you had the love language conversation? Yeah, but it was kind of just like, this is what I am, this is what I am, and then I guess that was it. So it wasn't really like, well can I do to you know help. And that's I mean that's the kind of your your guys

biggest problem right? Like I when it comes to gifts I hate gifts I don't like I hate it's an exaggeration but I don't feel much love receiving gifts and giving gifts it's kind of like a guess I don't know know, but my wife really does. She loves giving gifts. She loves receiving gifts. It really does make her, it's a love language of hers. I can't just be like, no. I can't, I mean, I could, but again, I would get the same result that you're getting,

that you're feeling right now. And that's the part where your husband, he's taking the time to go to therapy, he's spending the money, he's willing to listen to you. Why is he so unwilling to just try? And you know what's the thing is, here's maybe some advice. I don't know, I'm just spit balling here

because I'm grasping at straws trying to be helpful here because like you're doing a lot of the things and I don't have them here so I can only guess. But listen, it's always a lot of pressure, especially for men, when they feel like they're partners unsatisfied with the sex life, right? And I don't doubt that your husband is stressed at work, has a lot going on.

And stress for all people, but especially men, like really crushes a sex drive. I can relate to that. And it's a real thing and it has nothing to do with what he thinks about you or how attracted he is, is, or isn't with you. But to your point, if I were you, I would focus less on the physical touch aspect. Or at least the sex part and focus more on the words of affirmation and and focus your conversations around physical touch not about sex but like I

mean when you're on a walk you guys holding hands you are okay what does that do for you sometimes sometimes I mean I love that are you holding his hand or is he grabbing your hand I I would, I usually grab it. Okay, so, you know, that's what you need from him, right? You need him to reach out to your hand, pull you in, put his arm around your shoulder, offer a massage, cuddle with you, you know, like, just say, come here, babe, and wrap his arms around you,

and just say how beautiful you are. This is basic basic easy shit. And listen, as a busy guy who is always, I have a lot of anxiety, I have a lot going on. I'm like, hey, I need, you know, I have to remind myself. It's like, I know my wife's beautiful. I think my wife's beautiful. But like, yeah, when you're in a relationship for a long time, you've been in a relationship with this guy for 10 years, you take it for granted. You just, it feels almost like I have to say it again because I've said it all the time, you know, and it's just like, but yeah, you to say it again because I say it all the time. It's just like.

But yeah, you do. You do have to say it all the time. You do have to go out of your way to constantly say it and remind it. And that's the part, he is stubbornly not wanting to accept. But if I were, you know, I wonder if anything,

you're focusing too much on sex and that is making him very defensive. I don't know. Like maybe I've asked all the other stuff, like have you, the conversation's about like holding your hand and reaching out and the, have you focused on that or is it a lot of, or just not having sex enough?

It's a lot of the sex. So try that and maybe it'll feel like a new conversation. And maybe the next time you guys go to couples therapy, it's just like, I was thinking about this and I don't wanna like, I know that like, obviously we come here and it feels like we're having the same conversation. And like no one gets more frustrated about that than I do.

I know that's hard to believe because I feel like my husband going, oh, here we go again. And even my feel like my husband going oh here we go again and even my therapist is like Oh here here we go again, but like it's not like I think I'm focusing too much on the sex aspect of this I'm like again like that. I'm not that I'm any less interested in that but like I think you should focus your conversation Back to love languages and just talk about how like what you need to feel loved you know and I hopefully you have a therapist that understands that. And because love language is not some bullshit thing that you find in Glamour magazine. What's your love language?

You know what I'm saying? It's a real thing that really articulates how us humans show and receive love. It really seems to be those, I think, five things, and we all seem to fall into these buckets, and the people who understand love language is really all like, yeah, they're non-physical touch, words of affirmation, that's me, and we're stronger in some areas and weaker in others,

and we are all dating people with different ones. It's not that complicated, it's super easy to understand, but he needs to understand it. And I really think maybe it's the sex part because it's just very easy for men to shut down when they feel like they're being questioned about their sexual capabilities in bed, you know? And how old's your husband? 30. 30? Okay, not that old. But even 30 year old men, you know, it's like they're not 22 anymore. You know, they're not just like walking all the raging hard-ons like just like, you know, they're just more like, yeah, I guess. Just like, you know, I think it's always been the case for women like sex can be work.

It's like, you know, I got to clean up and get around and all the whole production around it, you know, as men get older, they relate to that a little bit better than they did before when they were just horny freaks, but they still are very sensitive about their sexual prowess being questioned. And I think maybe you're just getting a very defensive partner and he is feeling like not enough every time you question how much he has sex with you or doesn't have sex with you. So I would try to focus that conversation

more on love languages, more on physical touch, more on words of affirmation, because especially the words of affirmation, it's like, bro, just fucking bullshit it, say it, motherfucker, just say it. Is it that hard? And say it yeah you know is it that hard you know and if like if it is that hard then you really must not think it right like and I'm assuming him in the past you know like you're dressed casually like I am

today but I'm sure there's times where you dress up and go out and you're expecting and hoping for a compliment from your husband you put a little effort you know you would love to love for him to see that, right? And I think that's okay, have you pointed that out? I have. What does he say to that? It's just like the, well I do think it, like after I say that, I'm like, but you don't say it.

He's not giving you any work with, he just can't keep saying, well I'm sorry, and it just doesn't come naturally to me. It's like, no shit, we know, and it doesn't come naturally to me. It's like, no shit, we know, we know. That's kind of the point. It makes it a little bit more meaningful knowing that it's not a strength of his

and know that he's still willing to do it, because then you know that he's willing to do it for you, but he's not willing to do it for you. The friend stuff, I really think is just a product of you really feeling like you're at a loss, you're really feeling this disconnect with your husband in these areas, and he is giving you the very thing that you're literally begging your husband to give you.

So I don't think you really have a crush on this guy. I think you just, I mean, I don't know you tell me, but I just think you really like the way he shows you the affection he does because it's exactly what you've been looking for from your husband. All the more reason why I think it's less about the sex and more about all this other stuff that is a lot easier and simple

and does, you know, and it has nothing to do with anxiety or how busy he is or things like that. Your husband can be at work, he can be busy, and he can take two fucking seconds out of his day and text his wife and then thinking about you, I'm so lucky to have you, you're so beautiful, can I went to come home and give you a hug? And then when he comes home, takes six more seconds

to say I'm gonna hug my wife and really embrace her and say it's great to see you beautiful, not hard. And I'm not saying I walk home and do that every day, but like, you know, it's like, especially if I get like a reminder from my wife and she says, hey, you know, feeling this a little bit. It's like, yeah, you know, because we all slack off from time to time as we all get caught up in our bullshit

and in our world, like we're all, you know, it's like no one's all walking around like, so I'm like, yeah, I'm just the best partner ever. I'm Casanova, I never forget that stuff. But you're just begging here and he's giving you nothing. Yeah. Is this do I at least sound like I'm I understand what you're going through? Yeah. And I mean, like that, that does make sense. Because I feel like I don't, I guess I didn't want to say like, brush. But I mean, it does feel

like there's a piece that like he's filling almost that like whenever I see him So yeah, I don't I guess I don't think anymore about the crush I mean listen it makes sense if you're literally getting dolled up, right? You get you know, you're going out with a group of friends, right? You get dressed up you're gonna get to the point where you're like you're literally gonna realize you're dressing up for this guy Not because you want to because you're like this is the only guy in this group who actually is paying attention to the effort I made today. And I honestly wonder if my husband even noticed what color of dress I'm wearing.

Yeah. So, you know, like, yeah, and like, obviously, you can't like say that to your husband, it's like, hey, by the way, you know. But yeah, I mean, there's a way for your couples therapist to help him understand what you're going through. I would be frustrated, I would share in your frustration, and I wish your husband was here.

So I could be like, do you understand what she's saying? Yeah. Because the sex part, that's gets, again, it gets complicated, it's like sensitive, and he's gonna be like, well, you have sex every week and a half, and like, honestly, if everything else was great, like a week and a half and like honestly if everything else was Great like a week and a half wouldn't be like a crime

You know I'm not saying I would like nominate you guys for the the best sex life of any couple But I'm just saying like you could do far worse than every week and a half But it's the other stuff that you're not getting rarely if ever and you are getting it from someone else, and it's fucking up your brain, and it's messing with your emotions, and that sucks, and yeah, everyone has a breaking point. So I don't think you should drop it.

I think it's more about retrying to frame how you approach it, and I think trying to get away from the sex part and focus on words of affirmation and physical touch in general. And he needs to understand that he needs to reach out and make the initiative and put in the effort and make his wife feel seen by his husband in ways that he is simply not. And it's just not good enough right now. And he needs to accept that.

Yeah. What are you thinking right now? It's just a lot. And like, I know, like I, everything you're saying, like I feel it makes a lot of sense, like to focus on not the sex parts. I guess I just, I don't know why I was so focused on that. I guess I thought that was the easier part to handle, but I haven't even tried to have those conversations really yet because I've been so focused on that, I guess I thought that was the easier part to handle, but I

haven't even tried to have those conversations really yet because I've been so focused on that. Okay. Well, at least there's something, okay, I feel a little bit better about that because now at least we have something to work with, you know? Yeah. Men are very sensitive when it comes to sex, very incredibly. I think, you know, part of it is I think society in general oversimplifies sex for men.

And I think when we're really young and we're like 18, 19 years old, a lot of those stereotypes are incredibly true in terms of just horny guys who just want to have sex with anything. And as we get older and life happens and we're stressed, and yeah. Men are more visually stimulated. I'm not saying you should do this because I think your your husband has a lot of work to do before you deserve something like this, but like in the act of sex, visually stimulating him goes a long way. You know, I think that I think when it comes to couples, I think a lot of women like will fantasize about their husband like

coming home from work and just like throwing him up against the wall and making the initiative and just like them and just like, ah. And I think a lot of men are maybe having a similar fantasy but their wife's wearing a sexy lingerie and then she's been sending him nudes all day and he's coming home to this naked woman laying, only wearing his tie in a bed or some shit like that. You know what I'm saying?

And the disconnect is we both have these very like that. You know what I'm saying? And the disconnect is like, we both have these very specific things and you know what I'm saying? And we're kind of always waiting on the other person to do it. And I think honestly, when it comes to the physical act of sex, that's where I think when it comes to couples

who've been together for a long time, sometimes you just seem to sit down and kind of have an openness on a conversation about what the other person likes. Just like, to be honest, I like, I like this. You know, when you meet early on, you know, it's I think it's easier to be kind of wild freaks or whatever. You're just like, you're all horned up and you're just like, it's always, it's always about like, as soon as you see each other, you, you hook up and you know, like sex is so easy early on or the physical act and then you know, you get used to each other and so like, yeah, like it requires two people differently and at different times for different reasons

to like make sure that that part happens and then it's still fun and that does require both of you. But the other stuff, yeah, I think the other stuff, you can be more like, this is bare minimum shit and this is what I really need and honestly, this would go a long way. You don't have to bring up, do you think I have a crush on his friend?

Maybe in therapy, I would say, listen, there are times where I get ready and I get dressed up and all I want is a compliment. All I want is my husband to look at me and tell me I look beautiful and how nice I look. And it feels like it never happens. And then I sometimes get it from his friend or other people. And like that's the new, that's my new norm. And I want it from my husband, you know, and I want to feel seen by my husband. Is it that hard

for him to send me a text through the day? I want to hear it. I need to hear it. I want him to hold my hand. I'm always holding his hand. I want him to want to cuddle with me. I want him to grab me. I want him to offer me. I want him to touch me more. I'm not talking about sex. I'm just talking about that. I think you can be a little bit more demanding and a little more direct about that stuff because sex is a little nuanced. I mean, I'm guessing he just shuts down

when you bring up the sex part. Yeah, every time. Yeah. That's probably why. Because he's a little defensive. He doesn't know what else he can do. He's like, I'm having sex with my wife. I don't know.

He probably feels like the way you're talking about him, that he's almost a sexed object. He's like, I have to go to work, and then I have to come home and have sex with my wife. The good news is you're not alone, you know what I'm saying? This is, I think, very common, and I really, it's just, maybe you guys need a new couples therapist.

I don't know. I'm just, I think the fact that you are going and you've been going so much and you've been talking about this one topic with no progress, something needs to change. And if you're going and paying money for someone to guys help you through this and getting nowhere, maybe it's just worth trying someone else. But I do think you can maybe have this conversation with your husband without a therapist and maybe to say, I'm sorry if I've made most of these conversations about sex, maybe I'm not communicating myself effectively.

But it really is just like, I just don't feel your love. Because like a lot of times you seem to either show it in ways that like, you know, again, we have different love languages. Like it's not your fault, it's not my fault. But like, I wanna feel more complimented by you and I wanna be held by you. And I want you to just like show more affection

in the way that I need that affection. And let's just, you can forget, I don't know, and I'm not talking about sex and I'm sorry for making this all about sex. Maybe there'll be some progress there. Yeah, I can definitely try that. All right, was this at all helpful? I don't know.

It really was. And I feel like I just needed like a different perspective other than my two friends. Yeah. And your couples therapist. And yes, and the therapist. Yeah. I don't know. How long has your therapist been a therapist?

How long have they been a therapist? Yeah. Like how old is your therapist? She's older. I mean, like 50s, 60s. Okay. So she's not,'s older, I mean like 50s, 60s. Okay, so she's not, you know, I don't know. Cause like life experience is helpful, you know,

in the business of advice. It's not the end all be all, but it is helpful. Yeah, maybe it's just not, you know, maybe it's just a bad match, I don't know. But you guys should be making a little bit more progress than you are in this department, because I don't think this is an insolvable problem. It does seem like there's still a lot of love there

between you and your husband. This isn't like a completely broken relationship. The fact that you guys are going consistently and still going to couples therapy, and you're even still able to have this conversation is a great thing. He still cares, you know what I'm saying? He doesn't, he still cares.

But it's just, I don't know, you haven't gotten through to him, so try that. Less about the sex. Yeah, okay, I can do that. Because again, think about it. Think about, again, how this conversation started about this, like, do I have a crush on my husband's friend?

Well, you haven't had sex with the friend, but what he is giving you, we've identified the things he's giving you that make you feel that love, that make you feel that affection, you know, and that is how you receive love. And this guy is doing truly the bare minimum because he doesn't even realize he's doing it. He's just like being nice and showing his res and you're starving for it so much that you're just like, oh, wow, maybe I love him, you know? But to put that in perspective, that's how bad it's gotten. But the good news is it's not broken.

Your relationship isn't lost. You just have to get through to him about this disconnect without making it about sex. You wanna feel sexy, you wanna feel love, you wanna feel beautiful. You're too young, you have too much going for you for you to feel like it's time to get old, ugly and die, right?

Yeah. So I, I, I hope that he's willing to understand that. I hope so too. All right. Can be posted. I would love, I'd love an update, but yeah, I'm rooting for you guys. Yeah. All right.

Well, thank you so much. All right. Take care. Thank you. All right. Well, thank you so much. All right. Take care. Thank you. All right. Bye-bye.

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Good. My name is Megan. I'm 30 years old and I need some help navigating dating someone who just got out of a relationship. Okay. What kind of relationship did they get out of? It was an on and off again, two and a half year relationship. They did live together. Okay. But they were, and they were together. It wasn't like an on and off, like a situationship where they lived together or?

They were together at the time when all of it, yes. How recently did they end that relationship? In the middle of March. Okay. And when did you meet them? I've known this person for almost 15 years. Okay. Our brothers have been best friends for a long time.

So we've never hung out or really even talked. We've just been friends on social media, family friends. When did things, when you drew a dynamic change? It started back in October. When they were in this relationship. They were together at the time. And I was job searching. I had applied to a company and that night that I applied to the company, he had posted something on Instagram and he was wearing a shirt that had the company's logo on it. So I reached out to him and I asked, I was like, hey, do you work here?

And he goes, yeah, why? And I said, well, I just applied there today. Like you should go tell HR how cool I am. And so he started off with just that he went to go talk to HR, hyped me up a lot, ended up reaching back out, gave me the hiring manager's email. So I reached out to the hiring manager, followed up with me a few weeks later, asked me if I'd heard anything. And that was kind of it in the very beginning. And then fast forward about a month later, I ended up getting a job at a different company.

And then he reached out to me again. So him and I both moved away from our hometowns and we currently live in the same city. So when he reached out again, he asked, he's like, hey, I'm going to make a trip home to go snowboarding with my brother. You want to come with and like invite your brother, we can all hang out. So I didn't think anything of it at that point, but I passed on the trip because I had just started this new job and I was getting ready to move like the next weekend and I just wanted to pack and get ready for my move and then he offered to help me move and I'm not gonna say no to that so a few

weeks go by he helped me move and that was the first time we've ever met in person he talked about his girlfriend it was very much like a friendship at that point. No lines were crossed at all. He was like, I'm helping out my brother's friends, little sister kind of thing. And then it started to change at least for me. A few weeks after that, he reached out. He's like, hey, I'm going to go up north to go on a snowboard trip. Do you want to come?

And I was like, yeah, sure. Like, who's all going? And he's like, oh, just me. He had a girlfriend at the time? And her job, I found this out on the trip. She travels a lot for work. She's gone like 75% of the time. Okay. So you said yes to this trip. I did. Okay. And when you said yes,

were you thinking what the fuck's going on? Kind of, yeah. I was like, this is a little weird. I even asked him on the drive up there, I was like, does she know that we're, he's like, yeah, like we have like a really open, like she's gone a lot, like we have a lot of friends, we do, she likes to go out dancing,

that's kind of her thing, and she's out until really late, like we don't, it's out until really late. It's like no big deal. I was like, we go on this snowboard trip, spend the whole day together. We're stuck in the car. It's like three hours up there. Went snowboarding.

And on the way back is when we started having more personal deep conversations and really got to know each other kind of opened up about his relationship about his mom had passed away as we talked about that talked about like some of my childhood stuff. I'm curious most specifically what he said about his relationship. He had just mentioned that they had recently gotten back together after breaking up, moved back in together. And he had a hard time with her job. That was the reason they had broken up in the first place. He said that he just wanted a girlfriend that was going to be around more. And she

had promised she was going to be done with this and find something more permanent. And then quickly after, signed another contract, didn't tell him about it until the week before she left and then leaves again for three months. All right. All right. So you guys had deep conversation, did anything other than having a deep conversation on the way back, nothing else happened? Absolutely. Like nothing.

Like it was like awkward side hug, saying goodbye, like that's it. And then what was your next meaningful interaction? So I just bought my own place and when he helped me move in, he was like, let me know if like you need help with anything. Like I'm out here on my own. And my water heater started acting up. So I reached out to him and I was like,

hey, like my water is like super cold. I don't know, like, do I just need to replace him and I was like, Hey, like my water is like super cold. I don't know. Like, do I just need to replace it? He's like, I'll swing by. He came over. He was here for maybe like 15 minutes and we were talking as he was fixing it. And he's like, Oh yeah. Like my girlfriend's coming back this weekend. And at that point I was mad at myself because it hurt my feelings a little bit. And that's when I was like, Oh crap. Like, I think I have a crush on this guy. Not be hanging out with him. At that point, I told myself I was just going to kind of hit him with the slow fade. And slowly stopped talking to him. If he asked me to hang out, just tell him I was busy. I just didn't think it was a, and then she came home

that weekend and they broke up. And then he reached out to me saying that they broke up. Was like venting to me about it. And then pretty much after that, we started talking almost every day. And now we hang out all the time. And yeah, it's like quickly kind of turned into, we're not in a relationship, but we're doing, we're like playing house.

Have you hooked up? Yeah. How quickly did you guys hook up? The third time after, like a week and a half after. Okay. We broke up. Was that the first time you got, like up into that point, like was it,

you guys were just hanging, you know, like when did it go from you were the girl who was friends with, you know, whatever the connection was, his little brother's friends, his little sister or something. When did you stop being just the girl he knew from back home that also lived in the same city that he just struck up a casual friendship with

to you feeling like, oh, this guy is also into me? So we're both very into fitness and we started working out together and he would just like make little comments here and there about like the way I look and he was never flirty or never said stuff like that before. We went out to dinner and I'm a big girl. I've been single for a long time, And I'm a big girl. I've been single for a long time, like hyper-invented. And he wouldn't let me pay for anything. And then we had like a flat tire and he came over. I go to work really early.

So he came over like 4 a.m., drove me to work, got my tires fixed, replaced all four of my tires, again, wouldn't let me pay for it. So just doing like little gestures like that that you don't just like do for your friends. Okay. And then after you guys hooked up, what did you guys say to each other? He, I mean, he's pretty good at communicating.

He's like, I like you, but I realized the situation. So- What's the situation? He had just gotten out of a relationship and it would probably not be, I understand that it might be a little dumb, I guess to rush into something, but I also don't wanna put this timeline in my head. I just want things to happen organically.

Fair, so basically you've brought me up to speed in terms of the kind of where we're at today, is this is how it all started. He had this girlfriend recently got out of a breakup. You guys were friends. He broke up with his girlfriend. You hung out, you worked out, then you hooked up. And then you kind of essentially been playing house,

talking every day, kind of acting like boyfriend and girlfriend, but have never really had that many meaningful conversations about expectations, where this is going, and your approach has been like, well, I don't wanna push a thing because he literally, I watched him get out of this relationship, it wasn't like I even met him six weeks later. He was literally, had a girlfriend when I met him,

and then I was like the first person he talked to when he got out of it, and I don't wanna force the issue. So is that, am I up to speed? That's correct. And we've talked a little bit about it. He is like, everything feels really natural with you. I like where things are at. He did make a comment that was very surprising this weekend.

He's like, I'm quickly falling in love with you and that's not fair. I was kind of like Not fair to who he's like I don't know he didn't say How does it you're making me you too quickly? It's not fair. He's my age. Okay. Yeah There's a lot there's a lot of like very subtle red flags going on here in Terms of like this is like setting you're really setting yourself up for like a situationship that's ultimately gonna end with you bum the fuck out. I could be wrong but the way you you're going about this you're giving him all these potential excuses and outs to like delay committing to you or you know hurting your feelings or whatever. And not that you're like he's doing anything wrong, you know, because yeah, I empathize with like that very confusing time of getting

out of a relationship. But my best advice I can give you is to take charge of your dating life. I promise you, if this guy likes you in a meaningful way that is worth you pursuing, you in a meaningful way that is worth you pursuing, then you're not going to push him away. You know what I'm saying? Certainly, you're not going to push him away by communicating what you want in a confident way, setting and communicating your expectations and boundaries and enforcing those boundaries when he doesn't meet those needs, you're not going to turn them off. And the best thing you can do is to, again, I always say calmly because that's like the most attractive thing that, you know, people are so used to people getting emotional during emotional conversations

and being sensitive during sensitive conversations that when you can remain calm having a difficult conversation it just instantly looks attractive to people because you know how to regulate yourself in ways that most people don't so like that's this number one but yeah I think you really need to think about all right at this point all right up into this day you've kind of given him generally a pass on really like, not that he's done anything wrong, but it's just more like you've really allowed him to like, dictate the terms of this relationship. You know, the story you just told, it's been very much,

well, you know, he's had a girlfriend and like, so what am I supposed to do? He reached out to you, invited you on this trip and like, yeah, you said yes. And then, you know, but like, you need to start dictating terms too, right? This needs to be a mutual decision by the both of you. And you are in a position now to set some expectations and some boundaries. I'm not saying next time you see him, be like, all right, buddy, new sheriff in town, I got some things I want to, you know, I'm not saying it's that, but like, catch yourself from avoiding having conversations and catch yourself from talking yourself out of communicating to you something that's bothering you or something you want

to say, or getting clarity on a topic. Because you're in a position right now to just talk yourself out of all that because it's like, oh, I don't wanna push him away and it's just gonna have a relationship and like, I don't know if it's my place right now and I don't wanna be like the annoying pushy girlfriend and blah, blah, blah. That's all, you know, just get rid of all that in your head.

That's honestly my best advice to you. And if you feel like when he says things like, oh, I would say things like, don't say that shit to me unless you mean it. Like, you know what I'm saying? Like, I think people sometimes say, I think guys are, men are more, bigger offenders in this topic of just kind of like, throwing out words to see how they feel.

You know, see if they stick, just play around with it. Eh, so crazy, I think I'm falling in love with you. You know, he kind of, like, I'm sure he felt that, but he just kind of said it. And he kind of wants to see how you react. And then if let's say a month goes by, and all of a sudden, I don't know, at this stage he comes back in his life, I don't know, what's going on in his life,

his feelings change, you're gonna be like, you fucking said you loved me, motherfucker. And he's gonna be like, I just said I thought I was falling in love with you. Haven't you ever seen The Bachelor? You know, like, you're the third runner up. To simplify, you have to take charge of this dating situation.

And the thing you just have to remind yourself that I just wish if like every woman listening to this call, or just whoever's ever listened to this call, because I say it all the time, it's just like men are not going to be turned off by you knowing what you want and letting a guy know and showing a guy more importantly, what you're not going to put up with.

And it doesn't have to be like aggressive and it doesn't have to be like a fight. It should just be a very calm, like saying no once in a while to like playing house. Or like, this has been, how long, like this new, this new normal for you guys, how long has it been going on for? Like when did you guys hook up?

A month. A month, all right. So a month is plenty of time to be like, all right, you know, we've been doing this for a month, but like, I'm not gonna continue to do this any longer without any clarity. And you might not be ready to give me clarity, so I'm gonna bring clarity to the situation by letting you know what I want and what I'm okay with.

Right now, you're just, again, you're following his lead, and I think you need to stop following his lead. Yeah, we're hanging out tomorrow, so this is perfect timing. And I think just like with previous relationships, I don't wanna have the whole like, what are we talk? That's not the point of this. I just again, like boundaries and expectations.

I just want to figure out like what's going on and where his head's at essentially. But I think with previous relationships, I just struggle with like, I don't want to sound crazy. Is it too, I'm like just self-sabotaging here, like is it too early? Too early for what? I just don't. So you know what?

Just have those. Sure, but like when you ask yourself those questions, be specific, you know, imagine you're talking to me, right? And I'm like, you know, cause when you're like, is it too early for what? You know, I don't know. Is it too early to get married? Yes.

Is it too early for ask him to move in with you? Yes. Is it too early for you guys to say, I'm deeply in love with you? Probably. You know, it might even be too early for you guys to say, let's be boyfriend and girlfriend. But is it too early to like communicate how things are going

and like where you, how you guys feel about each other today and what you're, no, probably not. So you know what I'm saying? So when you're like, is it too early and I don't wanna be crazy, I don't know. That really depends on the specificity of what you're asking, your internal monologue that's like, was it too early?

It's definitely not too early for you to get clarity. That's for sure. Especially for a man you're having sex with. And you're right, like if he does really care and he likes me, it's not gonna freak him out. He's not gonna run away. Yeah, now he might be a little confused and that confusion might just be he's told himself that he shouldn't jump into another relationship so soon.

And now he's like, I like this girl. But if that's the case, that like I, if he just says, well, I'm not ready yet, like I don't wanna keep doing this, then. Yeah, and now you say that. I mean, like, and you're like, I totally get it. That's totally cool. And you can say it almost in a joking way,

but you're, you know, you can be like, well, I just don't think it's all that confusing to figure out whether you like me or not. I don't know, maybe that's not the way to say it. I don't know. Without trying to come up with something clever to say. But it's like, you're right, maybe you're not. But if you're not, then why not honestly,

like, well, hey listen, I'm assuming you liked having sex with him. And you can kind of joke. But like, listen, you, listen, I'm assuming you liked having sex with him. And you can kind of joke, but like, listen, you're a great lay. But like, now we're getting past the point of just being great lays. And like, if you are not what you when he says he's not ready, right, he's saying I'm ready for something emotional. Fair enough. And you can say like, great. But like, yeah, it's just more like, well, then you're not ready to continue to having sex with me because you are gonna, you're just, you're gonna fall in love with me. And if you're not ready, then we need to stop having sex. And honestly, we need to stop playing house.

And again, you just need to be very, you know, like literally look in the mirror and be like, I'm a badass bitch and I am awesome. And like, you know, like just, you just gotta be confident, you know, like it's really, everyone loves confidence. Men love confident women. I know that's sometimes hard to believe because it sometimes feels like, there's obviously a lot of women out there who feel like very successful women, very accomplished women, women who are very professionally driven,

make a lot of money, and they feel like they're constantly, I think that's kind of a different conversation about maybe just conversation about masculinity and societal norms, and that's a different conversation about maybe just like just conversation about masculinity and societal norms and that's a deeper conversation. But in general, I think men very much still like confident women, maybe on their terms, but they still want that confidence. They want a, everyone wants someone who knows their value. Everyone wants someone who doesn't let

other people waste their time. Everyone wants someone that knows they're a prize, that they're a catch. That's what we all want. We want someone that we think everyone else wants, and we got them. So be that person. Don't be the person who's like, oh wow, he likes me, and I'm just gonna do whatever he does and says,

and sit around at his convenience, and wait around for him to be ready. So that's just the energy you want to bring to that conversation without getting too heavy. You can keep it light and joke and you can kind of say as much. It's just like, I'm just not the type of person who just waits around for people to be ready and figuring out that they like me. I totally get you out of a relationship, so maybe you just need to unpack that and get some therapy. What I'm certain of is that I'm not down to do this while you figure out and try to get ready. Like I'm a phone call away and if you need a break we can take a break. It's cool. But like

I'm definitely not sidelining my I'm not sidelining this you know and you don't keep getting it in this because you're going to fall in love with me and you're not ready. Yeah, that's a great way to put it. You know, something like that. And then just be busy when he calls and he's, you know, reaching out and, you know, you're gonna have to decide what he can say that's gonna make you feel comfortable to continue some version of what you're doing, you know, and maybe it's like, listen, like, I'm just gonna keep it real with you. I like you. I hope you know that. I don't think that's some mystery, again, you love me, so, we'll just give a shit about that, like in a very playful way.

But you can say, I like you, I do, and I don't really give a shit that you got out of it. That's what I'm saying, just don't let him use it as an excuse, like fine, he broke up with someone a month ago, he's not incapable of falling in love with someone. You know what I'm saying? There's been a lot of people who have been gone from one vine to another in and out of relationships.

Like it's not, he's not, if he can have sex with you, if he can do exact, all the things he's been doing, if his relationship was so wonderful that he had all this time to heal, I'm not saying he was doing anything when he asked you to go on this trip, but he wasn't doing nothing. You know what I'm saying? He wasn't doing nothing. You know what I'm saying? So he can't possibly need all this time to be ready. Yeah. I feel like it was on the outs and then

we started kind of hanging out and he was like, oh, okay. I think it made it a little... I mean, the truth is, you know what I would say 98% of people mean when they say, I don't know if I'm ready yet. When they're saying that to a person, they're dating. You say it's not with you. Yeah, they just, they don't know. It's like going to the shoe store liking a pair of shoes. I mean, like, I don't know if I'm ready to buy this because honestly, this is the first store I've been to and I was planning on shopping all day. So I'm going to put this on hold for a second. And if I don't find anything better, I'm going to come back and I'm going to and I was planning on shopping all day. So I'm gonna put this on hold for a second. And if I don't find anything better, I'm gonna come back and I'm gonna buy these. So I mean,

that's what he means when he says he's not ready. And you don't need him to admit to that. But that's you just need to be like, listen, I mean, when you say you're not ready, like there's, if you say like, listen, if you need to go around and date other women, I totally get it. You don't get this while you do that. And like you're right, I don't want or don't think this conversation should end with boyfriend, girlfriend. But then like what is a good answer? I see a future, I like where this is going.

I mean some version of I really like you too. I actually meant when I said, when I kind of casually threw out the L word, I do, I care about you, I fucking love being around you. Yeah, I'm to be honest honest, I'm a little nervous about jumping into a relationship right after I got out of my last relationship, but I like you.

So maybe we don't call each other boyfriend and girlfriend, but I don't wanna see other people. We're having sex, and I only wanna hang out with you. And let's just see where this goes, and let's just keep checking in and talking to adults, and hopefully it progresses. It'd be some version of that. It's not that complicated and it's not that heavy

and we try to over complicate things and because again, at the end of the day, and again, no judgment about this guy. He doesn't know. He thinks you're hot, he thinks you're good in bed, he thinks you're cool, he likes your company, but he doesn't know you're his wife. And what he's afraid of, like everyone else is afraid of,

and I was afraid of, it's just like, do I jump into a relationship with this person? And like, what happens if, you know, I just met her? I just like, is that crazy of me to like, and so you're just like, yeah. And maybe if you're just like, listen, maybe you should see other people, and if you wanna date other people,

but I just like, I don't wanna keep having sex. So like, maybe you could be this, go date other people and if you want to date other people but I just like I don't want to keep having sex so like maybe you could be this you know go date other people like dare them to like there's a little bit of game playing and there's a little bit of a dance like Nellie and I did that too you know it was just like I really had my reservations I just was like I don't think I could date this person you know and finally she was like all right fuck it I'm just I'm not going to wait around for you you know and I she my hand. I had to figure that shit out. And I liked, you know, and I did like her enough, you know, that was kind of the point.

And if I didn't, and I had other women, various reasons in my 30s, who I casually dated and we didn't be boyfriend and girlfriend and they presented me with that, and I ultimately let them go because I clearly didn't care enough. I think I'm just a little scared. I haven't, I haven't, I've been single for quite a while

and this is just like the first person that I've actually liked and he checks lots of boxes. So, but I just think something I need to do. I just need to. Yeah, I totally get it. I totally get it. It's just not something I need to do. I just need to. Yeah, I totally get it. I totally get it. It's just not a reason not to do it because otherwise you'd just be making

that very cardinal mistake, which is to like, yeah, just kind of get that. That's you giving into your fears, right? And it's the literal opposite energy than what you need to portray to this man, which is like, oh my God, I haven't had a boyfriend. And listen, I get it. You're saying I just haven't had a liked a guy.

And so it's not like you can't get a boyfriend. There hasn't been guys you liked, right? And you like him. But the energy still gives of, I need him, I need him. I can't live without him. What am I gonna do without him? Oh my God, I can't, like no other men. And that's the energy just you don't wanna give.

And then because he's just going to be like, well, you know, whether he he's not it's not even his conscious brain. You know, he's just again, like, I don't know, if someone's just offering you 20 bucks, even if it costs 10, you're just going to take the 20 bucks. It's just human nature. So you have to do your part to not make it easy for him to just like really enjoy your part to not make it easy for him to just like really enjoy how convenient you're making this all for him. I. I'm going to bring it up tomorrow.

Try to like poke fun at it. Not when he said that he was falling for you. What'd you say? Um, it was like a big long text. He came over the night before. He said this in a text. Yeah. Well, that's not just throwing it out there. He typed that shit.

Yeah. Because the night before he came over for dinner and he brought me flowers. And it was just, we stayed up and just talked on my couch for like three hours. And it just felt like, I can't even explain it. It just felt like really good. And in the morning I texted him and I was like, thanks for coming over last night. I had a good time. Like, I like spending time with you. And he's like, yeah, I really enjoy spending time with you. I never want to leave when we're together.

I'm falling in love with you too quickly. It's not fair. And then I just responded back. I said the feelings are mutual. I'm excited to with you too quickly. It's not fair. And then I just responded back. I said the feelings are mutual. I'm excited to see where this goes. And he said me too. Next time you see him, I would say, that's how you start the conversation.

Be like, hey, can we talk about that text you sent? What did you mean it's not fair? Like maybe it was just a line, I don't know. But I'd love to know. I don't know, I think it was more of like a joke. Like it's not fair, it's too quick. Like it shouldn't. But I'll ask was more of like a joke, like it's not fair, it's too quick, like it shouldn't. But I'll ask.

But that's why you ask, cause you know, it's like, is he, is that, does he mean it's not fair? And did he, did he really throw that in there for a reason? Which is like, it's not fair to you or us because like, I can't possibly get into a relationship with another girl, so we're just two people who love each other, who can't be together.

Or did he just kind of like say it as a throwaway because like I don't know it just felt like a cool line to say and there's not that much meaning behind it. Like him saying oh it's not fair like it was it was cute but it wasn't like this super serious thing you know kind of like playing it cool. Well yeah listen a lot everything he's saying and doing is great, you just have to make sure he means it. And you have to give him permission. I think the scariest thing you can say to him right now is to say, and maybe that's what you say to him,

we're like, listen, I love where this is going. I don't fuck with most dudes, I'm picky as fuck, but like I really am enjoying our time. And honestly, I'm fine with how this is going. And I actually, I'm glad that we feel the way each other's does. And I'm, you know, and just kind of say like, this is great. And I would say something like, we're probably a ways away from calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend, but since we do enjoy each other's company this much, and since we, I guess,

are playing with the L word, I just wanna make sure that we're on the same page and we're like, we're only seeing each other. And then maybe it's just that simple. That's again, where my issue, like that's what I need to say, and that's right, but I'm just like, I don't wanna sound crazy. I don't wanna be a good person.

How is that crazy? That's not crazy. You're having sex, he's throwing out the L word, and all you're making sure is that without wearing a condom, you're not going to get herpes or chlamydia. That's not crazy. If you break it down, you're just like, hey, we're having sex and we're sharing emotions and I'm just checking in to make sure that like, because you know, I'm not your girlfriend so technically you get to do whatever the fuck you want

but it would be kind of fucked up at this point. Like you know, you guys need to acknowledge that if either of you did some other shit it would be hurtful to the other person and that's okay to acknowledge. That's not crazy. You just have to try to be chill about it. Where it's just like, yeah, this is awesome.

Like this is great, I really love where it's going. And honestly, I don't even feel bad that we, I get why you feel about the way you do about me, but like I, you know, like I guess. Like I'm pretty mellow in general. It's just like the way I articulate it. I want it to come out, right? I would challenge you to try not to get,

like it's just not that complicated. It's not that deep. This is not a nuanced conversation. You don't have to like say it perfectly. And the good news is he did. Like, I know we, you know, it's like things can change and things change fast and men and people can get caught up in emotions,

but like what you are describing are a lot of green, you know, like I'm contradicting myself but like in terms of this past thing, like him sending you that message and giving you flowers and saying what he said, maybe it's a little too fast but it sounds like he messaged it in a way that was like, hey, just so you know, I really like you. He took the initiative there.

Did you think he was crazy? No. Okay, so then why are you so worried for you to reciprocate? Now it's your turn to do that. And then maybe you say that, like since we're low key using the, I guess since we're falling with each other,

and say it playfully, and be like, that's crazy, but I'm just making sure, we're not the boyfriend and girlfriend stage yet, but I just wanna make sure that, we're seeing where this goes, right? We're all, well, not seeing it while it goes with other people. And you could say, I'm just making sure,

because I know you just got out of a relationship, I don't think it's that big of a deal, but I just wanna make sure because I know you just got a relationship I don't think it's that big of a deal but I just Want to make sure you can handle this and if he says well, I don't you know, it is too soon That's the that's the thing that you're afraid of him saying but fine We if you would still need to hear him say it because even if he says that doesn't mean he doesn't like you Doesn't mean he's gonna fuck you over it honestly, right? It's it's a normal human response for him to have, which is like, holy shit, like,

do I jump into another relationship right away? So. So it's like, I can't be mad at him for that, because it's, I understand. Yeah, of course you're not mad, but you don't have to be mad at him to say, okay, well, I'm glad, you still have a right to know where he stands,

because then you can protect yourself better and you might be able to make different decisions which is like fair enough. All right, I totally get that. But you know, that's where you challenge him, right? Because that's something, if he does say that, it might just be like the thing he thinks he should say. It just might be again, like more based off of, you know, what he expected of his dating. Like when he got out of this relationship, maybe, I don't know, maybe he thought, maybe he broke up with her for you. I don't know. We don't know. But I'm just saying it would be a normal response. I hope I'm making myself clear

here because I feel like I'm bouncing a little place. But if he says that, right, it's an, we agree it's a normal response based off of him actually getting out of a relationship recently. And most of the of him actually getting out of a relationship recently and most of the time when we get our relationship we want to shop around a little bit to see our other options right? He found you right away, really liked what he's learning so far and is he willing to just take a risk on you in this relationship without needing to do more shopping or not? And it might hurt you a little bit, you know, because again the natural instincts like if you planned a day of shopping with a limited budget and the first store you

went to you found something you really loved but it was your entire budget you would be like let me put you would ask you would ask him if they can put on a hold and then you would go shop and then you would come back if you didn't find anything else better. So it's normal. And you have to bet on yourself and essentially say, go shop, but the, I can't put these on hold. Yeah.

I'm extremely stubborn. And so, yeah, that is the case. Like no longer happening. Not a thing. Well good, but when you do it, just be very chill about it. And again, like because he might just say that because he's like, thinks he has to. Again, I told my wife no plenty of times

before I said yes, and she was the one who was right and I was wrong, right? I had to figure my shit out, right? But I did, thankfully in time. He might need to say, yeah, I just don't know if I can right now. And he's going to go home and maybe go on the dating apps and then again, bet on yourself and be that pair of shoes that like, you know, that's like, I'm not putting this on hold because like I did, I'm too many people want it and I'm sorry.

Like if someone else better comes along who wants to these pair of shoes I'm not waiting around for you because you are ready you know what I'm saying you are ready for that person whoever that person is to come into your life and if he's not ready good for him but you are and when when you say that you're ready I want you to say it which is like you're ready because you're emotionally because emotionally you're ready. Not being ready is someone who's like, needs to figure their shit out, right? So you don't need to figure,

so you say it as like, not from a place of desperation. I'm not ready because I haven't had a boyfriend in forever and God damn, I just want a boyfriend, fuck. You're ready because you were confident enough in yourself to be single for a period of time because you knew that you didn't need a boyfriend and you weren't just gonna go out with anyone and you've been ready for a while for that right person

and so far you're really, really liking what you see from him and you're just not about wasting your time. Exactly what I need to do. And I would normally talk about or talk this through with my brother. He reminds me a lot of you, but just given the situation, I'm trying to keep him out of it. He doesn't mean it.

I respect that. Yeah. Try not to overcomplicate. I'm worried for you that it's not even as bad as you're worrying it is. And you kind of like, you know, kind of, I've just been saying, where it's like, it'd be normal for him to say this. And you, and like, you know that, right? So you're anticipating him saying the very thing that most people in his position say but he had this is a guy who reached out to you unprompted and sent you a text saying that he's falling for you and also said he's really excited to see where this goes things change and saying things change fast we know that but you don't have to assume the worst I think it's just like a defense mechanism maybe.

Yeah, of course. Yeah. Yeah. I'll talk to him tomorrow. Yeah. And maybe it's just like, at some point you're on the couch and you say, since we're low key falling for each other, I've decided I don't want to see anyone else. And I'm want to make sure you don't want to either. Yeah. Yeah. So this is what you say. There we go, we got it. We workshopped it. I've workshopped it in my head,

so I'm just gonna tell you. Here it's like, since we're low key falling for each other, while we might not be ready to be boyfriend and girlfriend yet, I do know that I don't want to do this with anyone else right now, and I want to focus on seeing if there's actually something here. And I just want to make sure that we're on the same page.

And he will most likely probably say, yeah, I feel the same way and great. And if he says, oh, then you could say, all right, well, fair enough. But I am not putting myself on hold while you figure it out. And I totally get, I mean, I get it. I'm, you know, it's a normal, and you talked to him like a therapist, it's normal.

It's totally normal. But nevertheless, clearly you like what you're doing right now. And, it's normal. It's totally normal, but nevertheless, clearly you like what you're doing right now, and if that's too much for you to handle, then I'm not chillin', I'm not waitin'. And then you're just very calm. And then honestly, you can be like, you know, you don't have to abruptly end the night, you can just be confident, just be totally unbothered.

There's nothing fucks up men more than seeing a calm woman. When they're expecting that woman to be not calm and she's calm, it's the most powerful thing you all can do. It's more emotional. I don't want to get emotional as well. I know. Yeah, I know. Yeah, and trust me, you don't want to get emotional as well. I know. Yeah, I know. Yeah, and trust me, you don't want to get emotional.

You want to be very, okay, all right, well, I get it. Totally cool. Because that'll fuck him up. He wants you to cry. Not that he wants you to cry, but he wants to know that you care. He wants to know that it's going to hurt you to enforce that boundary. Not his conscious brain, it's his subconscious brain because that will give him a little more security. And if he is going to go shoe

shopping, he needs to be super afraid that as soon as he leaves that store, someone's going to walk right in and actually appreciate the value that it is. Now I like your take on it. I think my idea was a little too serious and it just doesn't have to be. No, yeah. Yeah. It does not have to be. Do you remember what I said?

Can you repeat it back to me? Okay, so I really like where this has been going. I enjoyed spending time with you and if we're gonna play around with the L word, like I'm not sleeping with anyone else and it'd be pretty cool if we're on the same page. Yeah, something like that. Workshop it, practice, yeah.

That's not bad. But it's not just the sleeping around. It's like, I'm not seeing anyone else, be specific. Yeah. I don't wanna see anyone else. I'm not sleeping with anyone else. Honestly, like, I meant when I said, when I wake up and I just wanna like see you.

Just wanna make sure we're on the same page. It's not, it's not that heavy, okay? And I think, like, you know, over for dinner, should I wait until like after dinner? Do I bring it up right away or just like, because I don't want us to be sitting on the couch and be like, so, what's, like, what's, well, while we're cooking?

I mean, I'm assuming you were, minus this whole like conversation, you've decided that you think you should have, and we decided you think you should have, like you would probably hook up with him, right? Tomorrow, like you're planning on, is he planning on having sex with you tomorrow, probably? So, yeah, we talked about having dinner and him

just staying the night, because we both wake up early and we work next to each other. Okay, so which means you'll probably hook up, right? Well, I will say this. You'll get the most honest answer after you have sex. Yeah. That's true. So just while we're laying in bed, like after.

I mean, listen, like, I mean, yeah, I definitely don't think this is so urgent that you can't sleep. You've already been sleeping with this guy. One, you know, hooking up with him one more time isn't going to change anything. So you might as well get yours one more time if nothing else. I really think you're going to get a good, I mean, I really think he likes you. It sounds like he does. And I really think that this is going in the right direction.

But yeah, I don't know. Like, I don't think you should, do not, again, this isn't a big conversation. Try not to be thinking about it all through dinner. Just remind yourself that this is something you wanna bring up before you leave. And then when you hook up, you're lying in bed, and then just try to embrace the moment. Hopefully, you'll have a great night,

and hopefully it'll be a great moment hooking up with them, and you're just like, yeah, I really, just repeating what I said the night before, I really like you, and I just, I'm not seeing anyone else. I don't wanna do this with anyone else, and say that without making it heavy. Just almost say it without it being a thing.

All right, you feeling better? Yeah, I think that that's a great time to just bring it up because it'll feel just organic and will be like inner feelings kind of after just laying there and it doesn't seem so forced. Yeah, and like honestly, hopefully it'll actually make a lot of sense given that you guys had a really enjoyable night, be present when you're enjoying the night, trying to think about it.

This is like, again, also if, you know, if you end up not saying it tomorrow, it's not the end of the world. This is normal. He's already done this. You already had a positive conversation. It's not that heavy. This is you checking in. This is you doing your part.

He's done that. And just, you're just be prepared to just enforce that boundary if you get unexpected bad news and do it in a way that doesn't make you feel emotionally crushed and anticipate the fact that it would be a normal response for him to give you that kind of bullshit, like I don't know if I'm ready.

No, it's fair. That's all fair, thank you, I appreciate. If you're gonna do anything emotionally, if you don't get the I'm ready. No, it's fair. That's all fair. Thank you. I appreciate. If you're gonna do anything emotionally, if you don't get the response that you want, just roll your eyes. You're gonna start like- Probably get a little loud. I'm gonna be like, okay, what exactly about,

what, you know, it's like, really? What, you know, what aren't you ready for? Yeah. Then just roll over and go to sleep. Try, I think you know that you are an emotional person. It sounds like I'm hearing just try you to just don't overreact to whatever news you get because all you're doing is checking in and it is new and you guys don't have a huge emotional connection.

Try not to overreact. Yeah. And we haven't had conversations like this before. So, you know, I think it's getting to know each other on that level and how we respond and... Well, actually, I would say, I would disagree with that one part. You actually, you did have that conversation. It was great.

It was more on the lovey-dovey in your feelings conversation. And now you're like, you're continuing that conversation and you're continuing that conversation, and you're bringing it up this time, as opposed to him bringing it up, and you're being slightly more pragmatic about it than he was. You know what I'm saying?

Because he was like, oh, he was like, oh, I'm kind of falling for you, and it's not fair, but I really like where this is going, this is great, which is really great to hear, and it's nice, and it's affirming, and it makes you feel good, but it doesn't give you clarity about what exactly that means and you're just asking for just a little bit of clarity you know that's it that's all you're doing okay all right all right keep us posted i'd love to know what he what he says yeah i'll let you guys know all right thank you

i'm feeling good things good luck uh i'm feeling good about this. Thank you, Nick. All right, take care. Thank you, bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.