The Viall Files - E951 Ask Nick - He Cheated With My BFF

Episode Date: June 16, 2025

Our first caller needs help moving on from someone she thought she would spend the rest of her life with. Our second caller wants to know if she should ruin a friendship by being honest. And, our third caller needs help maintaining intimacy in a relationship.  “Adversity happens to us all, and it breaks some people and it makes other people stronger." Listen to Humble Brag with Cynthia Bailey and Crystal Kung Minkoff every Monday starting October 21st! Available wherever you get your podcasts and YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@humblebragpod https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/humble-brag-with-crystal-and-cynthia/id1774286896 https://open.spotify.com/show/4NWA8LBk15l2u5tNQqDcOO?si=c03a23d537f94735 Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice, send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on this podcast please email: [e-mail] or go to: https://advertising.libsyn.com/theviallfiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Helix Sleep - For their Fourth of July Sale: Best of Web Offer, go to https://helixsleep.com/viall for 27% Off Sitewide Cymbiotika – Go to https://cymbiotika.com/viall to get 20% off plus free shipping.  IQ Bar - IQBAR is offering our special podcast listeners 20% off all IQBAR products, plus get FREE shipping. To get your 20% off, just text FILES to sixty-four thousand. Bombas- Head over to https://bombas.com/viall and use code viall for 20% off your first purchase.  Timestamps: (00:00) - Intro (02:14) - Caller One (37:55) - Caller Two (59:35) - Caller Three Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @justinkaphillips @dereklanerussell

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go to helixsleep.com slash viall for 27% off site-wide. That's helixsleep.com slash viall for 27% off site-wide. Helixsleep.com slash viall. How's it going? Hi, my name's Rachel. I'm 28 years old and I'm wondering how I move on from someone that I thought I saw my life with and I thought they saw my life with. And I thought they claimed the same. Tell me what happened.

So we had been dating for about four years. So it was pretty serious, obviously. How old were they? Same age, 28. And I mean, we did break up in end of November last year. Got back together this year, I want to say February is when we like really officially got back together What caused the breakup in November? He claimed he needed to learn how to be alone And that we were just having the same arguments over and over again fast forward February we get back together

We were feeling a little bit better about the situation on both parts and then April Found out he had been cheating on me for months with a friend of mine. Oh my God. Yeah. Oh, who's the friend? I mean, I don't need their name, but like, are we talking like best friend casual friend? Like a little bit of both. Like we had been on like vacations together, like we would get drinks together. I've known her for probably like three years now. So like not super, super close, but definitely in my circle of friends. How'd you find out?

She texted me. Okay. What? And said what? Well, so I think I basically got like a, Hey, girlie text. And she just kind of said, Hey, so I'm sure you know the situation. I'd love, you know, to talk if that's something you want to do. And I was like, well, that's the situation, I'd love to talk if that's something you wanna do. And I was like, well, situation. And then how did she tell you? So did this happen in your little breakup that you had

and they hooked up or you got back together? So they started their whole thing two months before we broke up the first time. And it continued all the way until right before we got back together again, basically. Oh, wow. Okay. Yeah. And then when you found out at what point?

A couple months after we had been back together. Okay. Yeah. And, and the, so it sounded like the tone in which that she sent that message. Yeah. Did she, she assumed that you knew? So she had texted him in February when she found out we were getting back together, basically telling him, you tell her or I will.

And so he never did. And then what happened? Well, then I actually tried calling him a lot of times. He was answering my texts right up until I said, call me right now or never call me again. And then he just stopped answering my texts once I found out or once he found out that I knew. He didn't answer my phone calls. So I went over to her house and she explained everything to me. Have you spoken to him since you found out? Yes, so he did come over the next night, which I basically had to beg him to do. He like had no

interest in even having a conversation. At this point, he's your boyfriend? Unfortunately, no, he did come over. It wasn't really much of a conversation. It was mostly me speaking at him and him going, I don't know. I'm sorry. I don't know. Okay. When was this? This all happened about a month ago now. Okay. Yeah. So it's still pretty raw.

I would like to think so, but it almost feels like I'm kind of numb about the situation now. It's just kind of like pretending it never happened in a sense. Okay. Well, when you say you'd like to think so, what do you mean by that? Well, because it does seem like it's too easy for me to get out of something like that and feel relatively okay right now without it kind of coming back around. now without it kind of coming back around. Say more, tell me I don't. Yeah, well like it just, it's like I feel like I've, I had my week of crying and then it just kind of feels

like nothing now. Okay, well then why do you feel like that's, why is that a bad thing for you? I mean, I don't think it's a bad thing if this is truly me being over it, but that's the thing is I feel like it probably isn't me truly being over it. I feel like this is kind I feel like it probably isn't me truly being over it. I feel like this is kind of like a patch. So what are you feeling? I mean, anger for sure. It's starting to get to the point too, where I'm like,

kind of still remembering things about like our relationship and stuff. It does feel like that's kind of creeping its way back in. What are you remembering? Just like random things, like I'll be watching a random TV show or like random thoughts of us traveling and stuff. But rewind back to when you first broke up and he told you he needed to learn how to be alone, which obviously you now know was just a complete lie. And when he told me that before you told me about the cheating, um, still sounded like a lot.

Cause the way he, the way he said it, he's just like, no, I love you, you're great, nothing's wrong with you. I just need to learn how to be alone. So it's a me problem, it's not you. It's like, no one in the history of mankind, I don't think anyone's been like, oh yeah, no, for sure. And the question is, what made him feel

like he needs to be alone? And what he needed was, for whatever reason, we know the reason now, was to be free from you to do something. You know, and that something was, you know, continue that relationship with your friend, guilt-free, I suppose. Just out of curiosity, not that it's relative to your moving on or healing. What ended that relationship? Between them. Yeah, honestly, I have no idea. You didn't ask her? No, I don't think I did actually. I think she just said, we stopped talking, yeah.

I'm assuming you're not friends with her anymore? No, definitely not. I'm just out of curiosity, what was her, yeah, was she hoping for forgiveness or did she kind of like Well, she said she just felt like I had Like I should know that's like the right thing But to be honest I feel like it was more of a from her perspective. Well, if I can't have them then neither can you kind of thing

Maybe but aren't you glad you know? Yeah definitely but I feel like it could have happened. Sure yeah and I agree with you I don't think she gets any like moral brownie points or anything like that and you're probably right to some degree that we don't really know why you know what the reason whether it's real guilt or she convinced herself that you needed to know, but maybe wanted to sabotage the relationship. Probably true. Okay.

So back to like your processing, you said your feelings, you know, you're starting to ruminate about, you know, you're basically romanticizing memories and things about the relationship. Yeah. Okay. So what do you do when that happens? Distract myself. Literally snap out of it. Okay. Are you? Yeah. So what do you do when that happens? Distract myself. Literally snap out of it.

Are you, other than talking to me right now, are you talking with anyone about it? Yes, definitely. Therapy? Your friends? What? Both? Both. Okay.

And does that help? I feel like I've exhausted my friends though, so. Probably. Therapist has been. Well, listen, honestly, like your first question was like, I'm having a hard time moving on from the person I thought I was gonna essentially spend the rest of my life with.

It's only been a month. It is, it is pretty raw. Again, this is a four year relationship, big chunk of your adult life. And so these thoughts of kind of going back and missing moments, I think what's important right now is when you do ruminate and you do think about trips you took or whatever,

you recognize that you are missing moments, not him. And I'm sure, yeah, listen, obviously you dated him for four years. You fell in love with his good attributes. Human beings are obviously complicated people with good qualities and bad qualities and demons and trauma and things they all have to work through and sometimes it manifests itself and things that are very hurtful to us, you know, and that's something he needs to work on. But yeah, it's like, you know, I'm sure you have all this anger, you know, but like, you know, he's not a monster

and I'm not saying that in any way to defend him, but I, you know, he's not a monster and I'm not saying that in any way to defend him, but I just don't know if you're having these kind of complicated feelings about feeling these feelings of love for a person who did what he did and then hurting you. And then that can bring in a lot of complicated thoughts and feelings about what does that say about me? Or, and I can't believe I fell for someone like him

and all those kind of rabbit hole thoughts and feelings. And so I guess that just kind of like leads me to like also just asking like how like if you have any tips or anything just like how to move on like with myself and not feel like well this one deceived me who knows if the next one will too like yeah Listen, there's no guarantees in life Unfortunately, yeah, you know, yeah, it's still raw. So you're not that you know, it's not you know you've heard probably similar calls of people having a hard time moving on and They're six months twelve months

Sometimes a year and a half out from the relationship ending and they're still having a hard time. And that's a different conversation that we're gonna have. I mean, I think right now, you almost have to be a little patient with the pain that you're feeling in a way. It kind of sounds like you're doing a pretty decent job. I'm hoping that this kind of initial feeling

of you claiming to be over it Right is this more or less a recognition of well I don't want to be with someone who did that to me, you know And regardless of how I feel and how sad I am and disappointed that you know the future I thought I would have It's no longer in existence You know you recognize that right and it's it's a little bit normal what you're going through. So you are, partly you're gonna have to be a little patient. It would be almost bizarre if you were to call up for some,

I don't know, maybe you probably wouldn't call if you were feeling this way, but if you were completely fine, like a month in and you were just out there dating again, acting like nothing happened, acting like you decided to leave a relationship and you couldn't be more thrilled to be out of that relationship

and you're finally a free person and you're just like so excited about this new found independence, that would be almost a little bizarre at this stage. You know, that would almost kind of sound like denial. It would sound like you haven't allowed yourself to process certain feelings. So much again, like what I talk about is just like,

you know, you can't control other people, you can't control how those people make you feel. What we can constantly work on for the rest of our adult lives is learning how to more effectively and efficiently process those feelings and relatively healthy ways so that we eliminate these darker feelings from staying around longer

than they otherwise need to be, right? I don't know if a four year relationship where you find out that not only your boyfriend but a very close friend of you betrayed you is something you're supposed to get over in three to four weeks. your relationship where you find out that not only your boyfriend but a very close friend of you betrayed you is something you're supposed to get over in three to four weeks. But you're doing a pretty good job. And I think maybe the best thing is just, I've said this before, right? My first heartbreak, terrible because I literally didn't know how to get over it.

And I literally didn't think I could because I had never done it before I had no playbook It seemed impossible And so I told myself it was impossible and by telling myself it was impossible It certainly felt like it was I saw a clip of Tony Robbins on Theo Vonn's podcast Randomly and you know Tony Robbins, and I'm sure you're familiar with him kind of a motivational speaker and he talked about you know you kind of manifest your reality and he did this little quick exercise where he told Theo to close his eye you know he told look around the room told him to close his eyes and told him to look for all the things that were brown

in the room right you know so he opened his eyes looked for all the things that were brown in the room, right? So he opened his eyes, looked for all the brown, closed his eyes again, and then he goes, "'Now, tell me all the things you saw that were red.'" And he was like, "'Well, you probably didn't see anything red "'because you were looking for brown.'" And then he talked about how, "'Now look for red,' and he saw red,'

and then he talked about how then sometimes we even will call things like burgundy red or things that are beige brown because we wanna be right. And so I thought that was a very kind of interesting thing to describe because it reminded me of my first heartbreak, right? I told myself, I can't get over it.

I told myself this is impossible. And so I made a bad situation 100 times worse because that was my narrative in my head, right? And so that's just what you want to make sure that doesn't happen. And you seem to be doing a pretty good job of not allowing that. The important thing for you maybe is to allow

these feelings to happen, which it seems like you are. You said you're exhausting your friends. That's a normal thing, right? You're getting it out. And hell, it took me months, months to realize that even I had the possibility of exhausting friends. I wasn't that self-aware. So, you know, progress for you.

So yeah, I mean, you just kind of have to allow it to happen a little bit, right? And these feelings of thinking about moments, trips, you said, and it sounds like you recognize when you're doing it and then you try to think of something else, correct? Yeah, definitely. That's pretty good, right? I, I looked for things for torturing myself.

I convinced myself that, again, we were destined, you know, I didn't want to accept the reality of the situation. I wanted to make excuses for her. I think right now, you have to probably try to see the reality of the situation. I wanted to make excuses for her. I think right now, you have to probably try to see the big picture, right? You have to recognize that you're only 28. You have to recognize that this is a moment in time

that's temporary. And then you kind of have to recognize that it's the unanswered prayers that sometimes we have to be grateful for. I've had a lot of really cool moments in my life lately, both professionally, personally, things like that. And people know my story from the bachelor, right? I was a two-time runner-up.

In those moments, I thought I was gonna get engaged. And when I didn't, those initial moments, I felt disappointment, pain initial moments I felt disappointment, pain, heartbreak, sadness, took some time to get over. You know, I had a hard time getting over it. The first one felt a little bit harder than the second one because that was like I had not been familiar with that environment that I kind of went in. I didn't really know how inauthentic that environment was and that the feelings I was feeling was a little bit more manufactured.

I was a little more self-aware about the second time. Nevertheless, I still felt that pain, right? But I did know, and that gets kind of my point, I didn't finish my thought before, it's just like after that first heartbreak, the one benefit is knowing that you will get over it, right? Like so, and it sounds like you kind of understand that. Like you're not calling in and being like,

I don't know if I can get over this. You're more worried that you've told yourself you're over it and maybe you're not quite over it. And that's probably true, you know? So you have some self-awareness. But I look back on those moments of being sad and being disappointed. I mean, if any of those two people chose me,

I wouldn't be sitting here today. I mean, there's just no way. I don't think I would have ended up being with either of them, but that would have drastically altered my life. It would have been a completely different timeline. I'm never the bachelor, and if I'm not the bachelor, then I don't get certain opportunities

and those opportunities that ultimately led me to meeting my wife and those opportunities led me to creating this show, you know? It's like you can feel what you're feeling now, but you just kind of tell yourself, I don't know when it's gonna happen, I don't know when I'm gonna fully heal, I don't know when I'm gonna wake up

and kind of not just kind of be over it where it just I have less and less random thoughts that pop in my head. You know, there are every day that goes by, there's less and less songs or commercials or movies or TV shows or moments that remind me of a time that I wish I still had. Yeah.

And the less you ruminate and the more you check yourself and try to change your mindset, the sooner that will happen. And then in the meantime, you just have to be a little patient and understand that it's, you are still trying, I talk about this in my book too, but what I'm hearing from you is you were the opposite of how I was when I was in a, not a similar, I wasn't my in my book too, but what I'm hearing from you is like, you were the opposite of how I was

when I was in a, not a similar, you know, I wasn't my best friend or anything, but when I felt betrayed and I felt hurt and pain and sadness, is that you're doing a lot of the good things and you're just like annoyed that it's still, that pain's still inside you. Yeah.

And you're just like, you want it to go away. And it's just like, it's not time yet, so to speak. You know what I'm saying? And so there's a little bit of patience I think you have to require. That was my point is like, a part of getting over someone is replacing core memories of your life, right? So like, this is a person you dated for four years.

And I don't know how often you hung out, how much you played house, and you know, but you probably hung out enough where you had certain patterns, right? You guys created a life together, you know, where, you know, like right now, you know, Nally and I have our routine. You know, you had your routine with him, right?

And now, so every time you, and part of that routine just became your routine and his routine, not even just, you know, the routine that you shared. So when you do those routines that you maybe still get benefit from, I don't know, like it's gonna remind you of that person. So you kind of have to like,

part of it of getting over someone is just getting used to like a new life without them and starting new habits without them and like waking up every day, looking over, not seeing them and getting used to that, right? And instead of going to get coffee with them, you go to get coffee with a friend or by yourself and that becomes a new pattern, right?

And right now, when you do those things and you miss that companionship of having them, that's, it naturally makes you think of them, right? And it makes you think of moments that you enjoyed. Maybe time, it could be something as simple as being in line at a coffee shop, people watching and laughing about some sort of inside joke. And then you go to a coffee shop

and you see someone do something that, in that moment you might've said to him, oh, that's funny, whatever. You know what I'm saying? That's like those little things. And you just need to replace those things with new memories and new people, right? So being active helps, right?

Like that's, again, I made it worse by isolating myself, by not going out, by pouting, by just again, ruminating. And I wasn't developing new friendships. I wasn't developing new habits. I wasn't developing new routines. And I made it worse, right? So the fact that, you know, just stay active, get out there.

When you're ready, start dating, you know, probably not ready yet, you know, but it really just is about just creating new memories Just stay active, get out there. When you're ready, start dating. Probably not ready yet. But it really just is about just creating new memories for yourself so that the random thoughts popping your head less and less. Yeah, yeah, okay. That actually sounds like really good advice

and ways to kind of move forward. Yeah, but right now, I hate saying this, but I think you do have to let it process a little bit. Yeah. You know, cause it sucks. And work on this with your therapist. I'm sure you could spend a couple sessions trying to go back and revisit moments that in the past,

you looked the other way and maybe something in your body didn't feel right, but you're just like, well, obviously I trust my partner and of course he would never do something like that to me. And so you just swept those red flags under the rug. And I wouldn't spend a ton of time on that because sometimes people are just good liars. You know, sometimes, yeah, I would just rather,

I would just rather be the fool than become that person who's just incapable of trusting anyone because a few people lied. Everyone's capable of lying. You've lied before. And why people do it, their traumas or whatever. And again, it's not like, oh, well, we dated for six months and we moved really fast and yada, y it, you know, their traumas or whatever. And again, this is, you know, it's not like, oh, well we dated for six months and we moved really fast and yada, yada, yada. It's just like, I don't know what creeped up

and but you know, you met an early age 24, you've been dating and who knows, maybe he just felt like he needed to try something out or I don't know. But I wouldn't spend a ton of time unpacking that but like the person who's been cheated on just wants to make sure, because I think there's a ton of time unpacking that, but the person who's been cheated on just wants to make sure. Because I think there's a lot of times,

especially if you're someone who's been cheated on more than once, I think if that's the case, it's probably safe to say, there are moments where you are not listening to your instincts or your body or your gut or whatever you want to call it. It's a combination of thinking this could never happen to you, so you assume it would never happen to you and then if there is a feeling that feels off you ignore it, dismiss it, make excuses for it, whatever. And there's a fine line between being the person who doesn't trust anyone and questions everything versus the person who sweeps uncomfortable feelings under the rug because they just, they want to assume that can never happen to them.

Yeah, it does feel like maybe there was a bit of that going on. You know, well, you know, for example, when he broke up with you the first time, you know, like what were you doing in those, you know, from November to February, what was your mindset about that relationship? I mean, I was like, I was heartbroken. I could barely get out of bed.

I was kind of like the exact opposite, I guess, of kind of how I'm dealing with it the second time. Yeah. Because it just didn't feel real. Or I bet it didn't make any sense to you either. Yeah, it didn't. And so this is a man who said, oh, I just need to learn how to be alone.

And there was a part, and when he first said it when he first said it it probably felt like the best thing he could say Because it wasn't like I'm fucking someone else or I don't love you or I find you obnoxious And I don't want to be with you there was hope in that statement There was the possibility of getting back together and it was and he made it about him was the possibility of getting back together and he made it about him, I mean it was about him, but he made it like very much something that was more easy to digest. But immediately after that initial moment,

your brain took over and probably thought, that doesn't make any fucking sense. And then your ego said to your brain, shut the fuck up. Like no one would ever do this to us. He loves me. You know, he loves us. He's just, he needs to figure this out and just tell him to go get therapy

and then he will figure out that he loves me and he loves us and we'll get back together. And so you spent that time, you know, again, in pain, in bed, ruminating, trying to make sense of something you knew didn't make sense, but you probably never even went there with that thought of, he could be doing something nefarious.

Yeah, never had that thought at all. Well, next time someone says something as stupid as, I need to break up and I need to learn how to be alone. And again, people need to learn how to be alone, but they've never broken up with, no one's ever let someone they love and really wants to be with and wants to make a priority and wants to be in that relationship

because they're a little too codependent. No one's done that. You can learn how to be independent and have a little freedom in your relationship. Maybe he thought that you guys were moving too quickly or something, but just no one does that shit. You know? Not with someone that they otherwise,

everything else is great. And that's what he tried to sell you. And I'm not saying every time someone says I need to be alone, they're cheating on you or doing something nefarious, but it certainly means there's something more going on. And it's not as simple as they have this incredible self-awareness that they know how to they need to learn how

to be alone and they selflessly you know and this relationship so they can figure it out because it's the best thing for for everyone involved and that's what he tried to sell. Yeah yeah he definitely doesn't give self-aware so that probably should have been an indicator. So yeah, so there's the lesson to learn most likely, right? Is just to just be in the future. When someone says something that feels off, you have to be willing to explore it, right?

Yeah. I don't know what you, what converse, like when did you talk to many of those friends when he first broke up with you? Yeah. I mean, it was definitely a lot kind of less because I feel like I was just more taking it in on myself a little bit versus like this time where it's been almost like a PSA. Sure. Well, next time again, you know, be willing, be willing, make sure you have those friends or maybe it's your therapist or whatever,

but someone again to say, he said this to me, he did this, it doesn't feel right, I don't know what to think, could there be something else going on? But that's probably the lesson. So the good news is there's something you could have done differently, it probably would have given you more information.

You may have found out sooner. Okay. Yeah. But yeah, you can't stop people from hurting you. Relationships are risky, love is risky. You know, you're gonna survive this and when you do, you will have a scar, but you will be healed from it

and you will be more resilient, you know? And it's just, you know, it's gonna be a small chapter in your life. You're doing a lot of things that I didn't do like around your age that cost me time, friendships, a lot of unnecessary sadness and pain because I was just too damn stubborn and unself-aware,

emotionally immature, and just didn't want to accept reality. But you are accepting reality and it's positive and there's a small lesson to learn here about just being willing to not sweep things that don't make sense out of the rug. But other than that, I think you're heading in the right direction. You just gotta stay the course.

Okay, well thank you, Nick. It's been really helpful talking to you. Okay, well I'm glad it's helpful. I know it's not some sort of like magic pill that's like eye-opening, because again, you know, it's just natural to think about things. The biggest thing that you are already doing

is just recognize when you're having unproductive thoughts, try to change that thought into something else, and then every day it gets just a little easier. Don't spend the, you know, the big thing is, it's less the romanticization that you have to worry about and more of the trying to figure him out that you have to worry about. And don't waste any time trying to understand

why he did what he did or if it's something you did or you know, things like that because your ego is gonna wanna like, your ego's gonna wanna do that because your ego doesn't like the feeling that someone could just dismiss you and not care about, you know, he didn't give a fuck about you. And that's very hurtful.

He showed very little empathy at all. Yeah, no, I don't think I'll ever understand exactly why any of this happened. He's weak, he's a weak person. Yeah. I mean, that's the answer. He's weak, he's a weak person. I mean, that's the answer, he's weak. That's true. Right?

Because you probably wouldn't be with him today. And honestly, there's a part of, like this is probably a good thing in a weird way. Because like he obviously didn't wanna be in this relationship. He went about it in a very toxic way, right? And like the why, who knows, who cares, his journey, his problem, right?

Why he didn't wanna be in this relationship, I don't know, that happens every day, you know? Feelings change. And the person you thought you wanted to be with, I think you just have to recognize that like, thank God. Yeah. And it won't be, you know, it might be five, 10, 15 years. And the good news is, is like again, just going forward,

it's just like make healthy choices. You know, every choice that you have to make matters and it matters to the outcome of your life. And the more you get good at making choices that aren't ego driven, that consider not only the short term payoff, but the long term payoff, your life is gonna work out. When, how, what it's gonna look like, I don't know,

but it will work out. And you will look back in this moment with a lot of gratitude at a time where right now you're just feeling a lot of pain. Yeah, yeah, that's true. I feel like there is always kind of like a reason why everything happens. It just takes a while to see it sometimes, I guess.

Yeah, and that's the thing. For me, yeah, I don't look at it as like it was a reason. It's part of me, like a little bit of luck. I don't know, who knows? But the point is, is that I was willing to learn from it and I was willing to move on and I was willing to finally move forward. I didn't become some sort of woman-hating guy

because I felt like I just kept getting taken for granted or taken advantage of. I just, I didn't wanna be that person. And so I didn't become that person. I still pursued relationships and love and I still pursue, my goals altered and changed and things like that. And I was willing to learn from mistakes, right?

So I think I ultimately made more healthier choices than unhealthy choices. And a lot of people don't. Sometimes people more healthier choices than unhealthy choices. And a lot of people don't, you know, sometimes people will make years of unhealthy choices because they don't process these emotions. And then those emotions turn into resentment and then they, you know, project them onto new relationships and things like that.

And then the next thing you know, you have all these broken relationships because you're sabotaging them because you never really dealt with something healthy in the first place, but that's not what's going on here. So, you know, I only say that because that should make you, give you a little bit of like confidence boosts each day to be proud of yourself of how you're handling it, you know,

and then find those small wins because, you know, your ego's a little bruised right now. And so be willing to like pat yourself on the back and acknowledge you're doing the hard work and then this is gonna pay off in the long long run. Yeah okay. All right. Okay well keep us posted on your healing journey with love and update you know in a couple months to see how you're feeling but hopefully better. And one last bit of advice be willing to try dating before you actually feel ready you know maybe not right now but just yeah there's no like oh I'm deaf you know, maybe not right now, but just, there's no like, oh, I'm deaf, you know, like,

don't wait till you're like really lonely and just like, man, I really, you know, just try, you know, and it might be slightly triggering or you're gonna have more bad dates, but just get out there, right? And whatever happens on those dates, it certainly doesn't mean anything about the relationship you just ended.

It just means that, yeah, like there are more people you're not attracted to or into than you are and that's a normal thing. Okay. All right? Okay, I'll take that into account, yeah. Okay, well good luck. Sorry this happened to you.

If you can get over this, you're gonna be better for it. I mean, resiliency and an ability to overcome personal pain and heartbreak, I think is a huge factor in anyone's quality of life, because adversity happens to us all. And it breaks some people and it makes other people stronger. So make sure that it's making you stronger. Yeah, that's kind of what I'm trying to just do right now. Is just be a little bit stronger.

Just, yeah. Also be patient. Yeah, and patient. All right, well good luck. Sorry this has happened to you. Thanks for the call. Thanks so much, Nick. All right, bye. Bye.

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They have a lot of great flavors. Hard to choose just one. Obviously, these bars taste great, but the real benefit is how they make me feel. When I've got my IQ Bars, I feel, well, one, satisfied. I'm no longer hungry, but I don't have that like crash, I don't have that like it's sitting in your stomach. None of those crappy feelings that come with like

eating crappy food, only the good stuff. And right now IQ Bar is offering our special podcast listeners 20% off all IQ Bar products, plus get free shipping. To get your 20% off, just text files, that's F-I-L-E-S to 64,000, text files, F-I's F I L E S to 64,000. Text files F I L E S to 64,000. One more time. F I L E S to 64,000. Message and data rates may apply. See terms for details. How's it going? Hi Nick. Nice to meet you. My name's Mona. I'm 35 years old and I'm worried

that I ruined a friendship by being honest. Okay. Probably not. But tell me more. So I've had a friend since college. We met when we were both 18 years old. We live in different parts of the country, but we've been able to stay pretty close. We talk a couple of times a month. Even though we haven't lived in the same city, we make it a point to visit each other and see each other. And every summer we get to see each other when I go to my lake house and we have a lake house too. Jennifer, her name's Jennifer. She's been dating the same guy since she was about 25 years old.

He's perfectly nice. I like him just fine. He's not my taste, but I like him as a person. And I don't care that he's not my cup of tea, but over the last few years I've just seen Jennifer's light kind of get dimmer and dimmer. She doesn't seem very happy in the relationship And the last few times I've been with her. She just doesn't seem happy. They don't really touch They just don't seem like they're actually dating but they they've been together almost 10 years. So then about two years ago, Jennifer was diagnosed with cancer

and had to undergo chemo and then surgery. And around the same time, I lost a parent. And so we were both going through a pretty tough time together and were able to connect more, I felt like, during that time and be there for each other. And so that summer, I got to see her again, and Jennifer and I went out to brunch. And we were talking about life like we usually do. And then she confided in me that she wasn't happy in her relationship, that even though her and her boyfriend were together and he had been there for her, they just weren't connecting, she wasn't happy, and that she didn't know if they were going

to make it. And usually I would bite my tongue, but this time I didn't. And I was honest and said, I agree with you, you don't seem happy. It seems like every time I see you, you're honestly less happy. And you've gotten through this disease. Like why would you go through the rest of your life with someone who makes you so unhappy? And she's like, Mona, I can't break up with somebody who stuck by me through cancer. And so we connected, we were talking. It was a really nice conversation. I told her being happy in your relationship really changes your life. I'm in a really great relationship,

the best I've ever been in, and it's just different when you're with someone who makes you feel whole and happy and in a good place. And so we hugged and left the conversation, and now it's been two years, she's still with her boyfriend boyfriend and I feel like now there's a wall up between us. It makes me sad. We don't talk as regularly as we used to. We don't talk about her relationship.

I definitely feel the distance and I feel like I messed up by being honest with her and telling her my feelings and I really miss her and our closeness. Are you reaching out to her as often as you used to and not getting responses? Or are you feeling insecure about what you said and kind of waiting for her to reach out because you don't know if she's upset with you and you're seeing how much she'll reach out because you don't know if she's upset with you and you're using

your and you're seeing how much she'll reach out to you as a barometer of how upset she is or isn't with you based on what your your honesty? No, I still reach out. We're both busier with work. I mean kind of both progressed in our careers, but I still reach out at least once a month and there was a good couple months stretch there where she just wasn't responding to calls. And that could have been like her going into remission, getting through cancer, like dealing with her own stuff. I mean, we used to just talk about our relationships way more. And they're just not part of the conversation when we do talk. And I've been reaching out about like books or things she's doing or work,

but it just feels different. I just. Well, how, how hard did you push when you had that conversation? I mean, I didn't say like break up with him now, but I definitely, I was honest and I said, you don't seem happy. Sure. But she, she also said that too. Right. And I've, But she also said that too. Right.

And I've, but she's still with him. So she obviously made a decision and we've never talked about it. And I just want- Have you tried to talk about it? Well, that's my question to you is whether it's worth going back and revisiting this and saying like, hey, I know we talked about this

two years ago. You obviously made the decision you did, I'm good with it, I like your boyfriend, I'm happy if you're happy, or if I should just kinda let it ride and see if we get back to the place we were. Just to be clear, so in the past two years, you've never actually said to her,

our relationship feels a little different, I feel less close to you, I miss you, and I just wanna check in and see if we're good, but like, I miss you, and you've never done that, right? To be clear. No, I've never done that. Okay, yeah, then you definitely need to do some version of that, for sure.

Okay. Yeah, I mean, it's your best friend, right? And part of what your friendship was based off of, like, opening up to each other. There's a version of this story where she's, she calls in here or talks to her therapist and says, I miss my best friend, but I just feel like she hates my boyfriend or my relationship. And I just, I don't know, just things feel weird and I don't know what to say and yada, yada, yada. I don't know. Again, this also is a person who was diagnosed with cancer. I don't know what that's

like to deal with. I'm sure obviously there's a lot of trauma there. And maybe also there's a common, and she's around your age? Yeah, we're the same age. And kids for you, her, other, what are other things going on in her life or your life? Just work.

In my life, I'm planning a wedding. I got engaged this year. She was at my engagements and it was just strange because like me and my fiance were so happy, very much in love and I think she left maybe once over the four days we were together. She would like come out in the morning, read her book, not interact with her boyfriend at all. When she said, I can't break up with someone who stayed with me by cancer. What was your response? I said, he probably feels like he can't break up with you because you had cancer.

I feel like they're in a relationship pickle where she thinks like this person. She was like, maybe you're right. He doesn't seem happy either. And then you just never talked about it again. Right. You never followed up? Well, how would you follow up? I know they're still together.

You're talking to me. I just say whatever I'm thinking or feeling. I mean, what would you say? Oh, you're still with him? You're good? What I can look for? I don't know. I mean, younger me would have definitely had less tact,

that's for sure. I mean, this is your best friend you're talking about. A best friend that you're, you know, and a lot of friendships serve different purposes, but this is a best friend that you confide in each other. It doesn't sound like this conversation was some sort of like big outburst or huge fight or anything. I mean, she came to you,

confirmed what you had already been thinking before, mentioned that she wasn't quite happy. You gave her your opinion. It aligned with hers at the time. She wasn't even offended by the fact that you said, well, maybe he's afraid to break up with you. I would have probably just said, yeah, you can. You can definitely do that.

People break up after having kids together. You can break up with you? I would have probably just said, yeah, you can. You can definitely do that. People break up after having kids together. You can break up after beating cancer. And to your point, you're right. Whether he was or wasn't happy, he probably didn't break up with you. If he wanted to break up with her before the diagnosis and then she gets the diagnosis, then there's definitely a possibility that he was like,

I don't know, maybe the biggest asshole in the world. And to your point, getting cancer while you're in a relationship with someone, what guys have what they decide to do, if they decide to be by your side and be a person who emotionally helps you out and is there for you, isn't some sort of life sentence that you're for, it's not a marriage contract,

that you are stuck with this person forever, otherwise you're a shitty person for leaving the person that who stood by your side, you know, that's just not how it works. She came to you to validate her feelings, and that's exactly what you did. There's a part of it, I just wonder if you are obviously overthinking this on some level,

and you haven't checked in with her, so you have come up with your own version of why she is acting and feeling the way she does. And maybe that version has more to do with the fact that her feelings about her relationship probably haven't evolved all that much. And like you said, her life's just gotten a little dimmer and dimmer.

It's affecting her overall wellbeing in life, and yeah, and maybe she doesn't bring it up to you because she doesn't want to sound like a broken record. But I mean, there's like this adage that you really shouldn't comment on someone's relationship. So I guess that's why it says who I don't know, like my whole life. It's you bite your tongue about someone's relationship. I don't know, to a certain degree.

I mean, yes, I don't think you should. I don't know to a certain degree. I mean yes I don't think you should, I don't think people should go out there and constantly give their unsolicited opinion about how other people you know choose to live their lives. I agree with you there. But the reason we have best friends in close interpersonal relationships and mentors or therapists and the reason why we check in with parents if we're lucky enough to have positive relationships with them is to help people keep us on track. I remember when my second girlfriend,

after we got engaged and we broke up, my parents were like, yeah, we kinda hated her. And I was like, really? Thanks for letting me know. And the truth is, I was a little annoyed, but you're right, I probably wouldn't have listened to them in the beginning. And it is a fine line.

You need people in your life to be brave enough to give you some honest feedback. And if all we're doing is just like exiling those people if they choose to be gently honest with us, then that's an us problem. So yeah, I think you should be allowed. So anyways, what should you do about it? I think you should maybe just ask her to get together and then when I say it'd be a phone call

Phone call fine and to say ever since that conversation I I've been in my head because I felt like I said something I shouldn't have said and I just want to say one All I care about is having you in my life and having that connection that we've had for much of our adult lives. I'm a little worried that I affected that by being honest with you when you asked me about your relationship. And I just hope you know that I support you.

Whatever you want for your life, I support you. And I hope I didn't cross a line. I want you to be able to come to me, to run anything by me, and I will never judge you. You're worried that she feels judged by you, and maybe, I don't know, maybe she does, and then you're worried she has a certain feeling about that judgment.

You're not judging her at all. You're just more like, you're just worried about your honesty and how she's choosing to react. I don't know what's going on and I could only make guesses, but I'm pretty confident in saying you're not reading it accurately. Okay. Parts of it maybe, a little bit, sure,

but to shut up to your shower, you just have to try to say, listen, and I'm assuming that's what you want in terms of a friendship with her, that you could just. Yeah, I wanna be open and honest and I wanna hear if something's going wrong and I wanna hear what's going good.

I don't want her to feel like she's just a wall off that part of her life. I just wanna help you. I'm not here to judge you. And if I ever say something that crosses a line, I also want you to let me know if that's true. I just want us to be able to talk through things. And what I miss most about my friendship with you

is that you were one of the few people in my life that I really felt like we could just totally be honest with each other without judgment. And our honesty was based off of our ability to be true friends and keep each other on track. Because I respect your opinion, and I always felt you respected mine, and I was always very grateful for that.

And I just feel, I've been in my head a little bit about that conversation and its impact on our friendship because like I've just been worried that I said the wrong things. Yeah, okay, I like that. I guess my fear with bringing it up again is like, I'm gonna bring up all these old hurts and if she's still feeling the way she is

but she's made the decision to stay with him, then hurts. And if she's still feeling the way she is, but she's made the decision to stay with him, then. Well, if she's still feeling the way she is and she's made a decision to stay with him, then that's probably something you need to correct. Well, you don't need, I mean, she needs to correct it. Like she shouldn't be with someone out of guilt because they did something kind two years ago. And maybe she is, you don't know,

but I think you are tiptoeing around this friendship too much and it's too delicate, and you're spending too much time worrying and wondering when you could have just asked. You have to be the example of a relationship you wanna have with someone. Ronnie Wu gave me that advice on this show a long time ago. If you want someone to text you back right away,

text them back right away. So you gotta play the lead, be the example. She'll be her example too, but you called in because you're like, I feel less close to my friend and I've been, two years ago we had this conversation and I very gently was honest and now I'm worried if I shouldn't have said that. And now you're tiptoeing around this friendship

when what you want is to not tiptoe, but you're the one tiptoeing. Okay. And the example that you are giving for this friendship is one of tiptoeing and kind of unsure. And maybe she's following your lead, I don't know. She might be doing the exact same thing. I don't know, maybe you're both kind of like

passive people who hate conflict. Clearly she hates conflict. She's potentially staying with someone out of guilt. If anything, be the example of how you think she could be in this relationship as well. And all you're doing right now is showing her through your actions that she should stay with this guy. How?

Because I'm not talking about it? Yeah. For two years, you've been feeling a certain way about this friendship, and you've done nothing about it. I'm not gonna say it again. Like, you see. Why not? I'm not saying you call up and be like,

hey, just a reminder, hate your fucking bar, you need to move up. I'm not saying that. Right now, you need to be honest about your relationship with her. Her, yeah, that makes sense. And get back on track, but you do need to be open to the possibility of, again,

again, it's not about unsolicited advice, but if she asks you, hey, I'm feeling this, do you think you should lie to her? Definitely not, but I get a lot of feedback from the world and movies that when you comment on someone's relationship and then they stay with them, it changes your relationship with them. That might be true to a certain degree, but there's other factors at play, I suppose.

But also, maybe it just more redefines what your relationship really is, if that makes sense. You thought this person was your closest friend and one of the very few people in your life that you guys could just be completely transparent with, except whether we, you know, I don't comment on their relationship and I don't say anything other than, oh my God, just love that you're in love, love that you're happy.

It's totally fine, it's totally great. And yeah, I don't know, listen, sometimes we have to have tough conversations with friends. I mean, you know, it sounds like ultimately she just might not be happy with this guy, but like, God forbid, what if, what if he was emotionally or physically abusive? Are you just gonna, are you gonna not say anything because you don't want to rattle the cage and change the dynamic of your friendship? Like, where do you draw the line? Yeah, it's true. It's just, it's really hard to watch your friend be so unhappy

and not know why. Yeah, listen, you're right. I think the better thing to do than being the friend that says, I hate your boyfriend, is to let your friend know how much they deserve. Make them feel confident, to give them permission to make tough choices. Like when she said,

hey, I can't break up with someone who did this for me, you should have said, yes, you can. And you could have said, listen, I'm not saying you should. This is not, it's not up to me. I want you to make a decision that makes you happy. And whatever that decision is, I will support you. Because all I care about are two things. Having you in my life and you being happy.

But I really want you to be happy. And if this relationship isn't making you happy, well I know it will be very difficult to move on and you will have some guilt around it, it is okay to do it. It is okay. And you deserve to be happy. And I will be by your side and it will be difficult,

but you deserve to be happy, and I will be by your side and it will be difficult, but you deserve this. And you deserve to do things that make you happy. And beating cancer with a boyfriend by your side isn't a life sentence to stay in a relationship that doesn't make you happy. So if you're not happy, and you know, like that's, you know what I'm saying? Like you're just, that's being gentle.

You're not saying you're not happy, break up with him. You're just saying, if this is how you know, like that's, you know what I'm saying? Like you're just, that's being gentle. You're not saying you're not happy, break up with them. You're just saying, if this is how you feel, then I'm giving you permission to do this and it's okay. And if you feel guilty, that's normal, but it's still okay. And I will be by your side. She came to you, you know, she just, she didn't, you didn't come to her. So does that make sense?

But again, you are setting the example with this friendship. You are doing the things that you're having a problem with. Does that make sense? Yeah, no, I'm glad you pointed that out. Cause you're right, I haven't asked about the boyfriend. I focus on work, books, other things we talk about. I've just avoided that subject. You've also avoided being honest with her

about the disconnect in the relationship that you two have. Yeah. And you have assumed it's the boyfriend. And you might be right, I don't know. You are not just opening up to your friend and being honest with her. And now you're feeling like she is not opening up with you and being totally honest with you.

And I don't know, maybe both are true. But you are definitely on some level projecting onto her. Yeah, that's definitely true. So I would just try not to do that. Yeah, no, I think you answered my question. Call her up, lead with love, say, hey, you know, I miss you and I feel like there's this, and I just feel like I said the wrong thing

and I just feel like, and to say, I don't know, everyone, like what you told me, I just, a bit in my head because I gave you some honest feedback and now I feel like you can't talk to me about that relationship because you think, I don't think you should be in it. All I care about is you being happy and you being in my life.

And I was grateful that you were honest with me and I wanted to be honest with you, but if you're happy, I'm happy, that's all that matters. If you're not happy, I wanna help you be happy. But, and I want you to feel comfortable coming to me. Yeah, I like that. So try that out and see how it goes. Okay, that's very good advice.

You always give very good advice. Thank you. Oh, I'd love an update. I'd love to see how this potentially good advice plays out. You know? Yeah, I'll let you know. We'll see. Challenge, just challenge yourself to be able to,

you know, to have a tougher conversation. It'll be okay. Just lead with, lead with love. You're clearly a gentle person, you know? You seem fairly conflict diverse. In some things. Yeah. So I just have a hard time imagining your friends

gonna be like, yeah you know you were just such a bitch and I just don't I want anything to do with you and I can't believe you said that. I don't know I you know I could be wrong but. I don't think so. I I'm you're right I'm not modeling how I want the relationship to be so I think that makes sense. Okay all right well good luck. Keep me posted with love and up. Thank you. And thank you so much, Nick.

I've listened to you for years. Like you really, I think I'm in a happy, healthy relationship because of listening to you and the advice you gave me. Well, I really appreciate you saying that, but now apply it to your friendships as well. Okay, now apply it to my friendships. Yeah. Okay.

All right. Thank you. All right, take care. Bye-bye. Bye. Take care of your feet, people. It's my friends. Yeah. Okay. All right. Thank you. All right, take care. Bye-bye. Bye. Take care of your feet, people. It's really important. Hey, not all socks are not made equally.

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My name is Harper. I'm 52 and my relationship has gone from a sex toys to vintage toys. All right. What's that mean? That means that we used to have a fun relationship and then it went stale once he started being more focused on his business, which happens to be with vintage toys. Okay. All right. Is this your husband, boyfriend? Fiance. Fiance. Um, we've been engaged for 12 years together for 16. We have a long engagement due to medical insurance issues. So-

Right. What do you mean by that? So if we have medical insurance on our family and where we're located, it's about 2,000 a month versus assistance with the state because he doesn't make a lot of money. So he is the supporter of our son per se. Okay, but I still don't totally grasp why that means you can't get married?

We could, but then we wouldn't qualify for the assistance. The assistance for your son? Yes. Because then you would have a dual income and then... Right, correct. Okay. And what's going on with his son that requires assistance? Well, nothing really. It's just the cost of medical insurance for us. We can't afford to have our mortgage payment, our other bills plus this huge medical premium

that we have to pay each month. Cause my job provides insurance, family insurance, but it's almost $2,000 a month it would cost us just in a premium for medical insurance. Okay. I mean, I guess. Does that bother you or are you just both kind of like, yeah, I mean? Yeah, it does.

We've both been married before. And so we came into the relationship with each of us having one child. It's not that we don't wanna get married because we talk about it all the time. Even the last time we talked about it was December of 2024 and he brought it up that he still wants to get married. And then all of a sudden he has a change of heart because he feels that he doesn't love me enough

to get married to me. Oh, he said that, okay. He did. When? He said that about three weeks ago. Came out of the blue, I had no idea. We laugh, we get along good, we don't argue. We have a great family.

A lot of our friends call us the ideal relationship. He said there's no one else, but I've always told him his job is what he's married to. And he'd rather do that than go to his son's sporting events or do family items, but he's convinced that's not the case. He's convinced that work's not interfering with... Correct. I feel he's married to his job. He comes home, he works, he's always traveling for work.

It's on his phone for work. What actually does he do? What in the vintage toy space is he like? So he owns a local toy store, and then he has two other locations that are about an hour away and the other one's about two hours away. Okay. And it's not profitable? Not yet.

And how long has he been doing this? He's been doing this for about six years. He worked in the corporate world, wasn't happy. He was the breadwinner. And I said, you know, you have all these collections, you know, you should start a toy store. So he did. So wait, but the first six years, the first six years of your engagement, he was working, he was the breadwinner working in corporate America? Correct.

Why didn't she get married then? I don't know. Yeah, like you're, this, it sounds like your reasoning for getting married has changed over the years. You've come up with new excuses that have been easier for you to swallow. I mean, that are not based in reality,

because like, Yeah. But yeah, like 12 years for engagement, that's not based in reality because like, yeah, 12 years for an engagement, that's an absurd amount of time. It's like longer than like movies about long engagements. It's not the 40 year engagement. The thing you're talking about finances, I get it. But like there are, that's just the legal aspect. You guys could literally like have a friend ceremony

and celebrate your love and not legally be married by the state or judge legally. Well, in December, I did get him a wedding band and he wore it. And then he was still wearing it when he said he wanted time apart. So I told him I was really confused by that. He says, well, I love you, but I don't know if I can be with you. And to me, that's mixed messages.

Yeah. How old is he? He's 46. I feel he's having a midlife crisis. Maybe. How old are you? I'm 52. Okay. He, he definitely, I mean, he's definitely potentially going through something. I've tried to tell him that and he says, no, that's not it. I'm fine.

He doesn't want to talk to any of his good friends about it. He has some therapist online that he just started. And according to him, she says he's doing the right thing about not going through this with me. Through this being marriage. Right. And then like, I mean, so your sex life, it's obviously like slowed down as well. Stale, totally stale.

So what are you willing to do about it? I am willing to give him more, I guess. Our relationship came more lately as I feel we're roommates versus partners in the bedroom. Why do you think giving him more of anything is gonna help? Is he asking for more? He's not.

Okay, so why do you think giving him more is gonna help? Feel I've tried. Do you not think you've tried? So- I know I have tried. So, okay. And he has just said, I'm not in the mood. I'm tired, you know, the standard excuses. And it's getting old.

Yeah. When I said, what are you willing to do about it? More wasn't on my list of things that I thought maybe you could do about it. Less. Was maybe on there. Yeah. What I mean by that is like, yeah,

it sounds like you have focused on your connection, he has focused on work. Right. Right, you have tried to check in, he's been fairly dismissive, right? You're not getting any answers that offer you any clarity. Correct. You have tried for a while now,

you have been in a 12 year engagement, and now you have this new narrative in your head that it is only about insurance, which at this point there might be some truth to it, but it certainly wasn't true the first six months of that engagement. And again, insurance aside and legal stuff aside, you guys could just as easily celebrate your love

by having a backyard ceremony with friends and having your friend marry you and not make it legal, so it doesn't change your marriage status, but as far as you feel married. But that's not happening, right? So at what point are you gonna just be willing to say, all right, well, you don't know if you wanna be with me,

and you don't know if you wanna get married to me, and you don't know if you love me enough? Well, I've spent too much energy and time already, I've gotten nowhere, and I need to walk away because this isn't, like, at this point, I'm just treading water or running in quicksand, whatever metaphor you wanna come up with, and I'm done. And if there was a chance for him to wake up,

that will be the only thing that does it. What else could you, more isn't going to work. Yeah. It just, it hurts my heart. I've always felt he's my person. I've always, you know, thought of us growing old together and he knows me more than anybody. and we have great conversations. We're very supportive of each other. But when it comes to physical intimacy and moving forward in life, I feel he's just there. He's not putting any effort in.

Yeah, but it's not just the bedroom department. Right. He does say he wishes he would help out more. And I said, well, prove it, help out more. So I have now asked him to live somewhere else. I can't do this for myself, see him if that's not what he feels. To be honest with you, I want him to miss me. I want him to figure out why he's not in this relationship like he should be. I mean, that's so you so he moved out you moved you kicked him out. Yeah. How long ago? A week ago. Okay. And how is it? And I don't text him. He texts me first during the day, which is super hard.

How did he handle that change? He was surprised by it, but he said, if this helps me as in him be a better person, that he will do it. But I said, well, I'm worried that you'll focus on yourself and not our relationship. And his reply was, it is what it is. I don't think he's all that sad that you kicked him out.

I don't, I would hope he would be, but you're right. Yeah, I think he is waiting for you to break up with him. Hmm, that's not what I for you to break up with him. That's not what I wanted to hear. But I get it. I mean, men are notorious for being bad partners and waiting for their women partners to break up with them because they don't want to be the bad guy. Well, the thing that gets me every time is when he talks about hurting me, he sobs. Like he does not want to hurt me,

but he said his biggest fear is that he won't have those feelings again. And that scares him, he said. No, that seems honest. You've been in each other's lives for a long time, 16 years. Yes. You certainly play a role in his life. I just don't know if it's the role that you want to play.

Wife, lover, you know. Well, in the circle back about three years ago, I don't know if I was going through a midlife crisis, but I kind of pulled away a little bit and was more I didn't know what I wanted in life. But then came my dream career. So there was a job change. And at that same time, I just started doing some more self-help therapy.

And I was like, back in the game, we were great, great relationship, every part of it. And then I got diagnosed with small lymphatic lymphoma, which just says, you're gonna have cancer, this is the one to get. And ever since then, I have felt that he's pulled back a little bit, but not, he just hasn't been as affectionate, like the kisses and the hugs and the touching hasn't been as affectionate, like the kisses and the hugs and the touching,

hasn't been as affectionate since then. And part of me feels that is when the turning point happened. And when I would have a conversation with him, he would just kind of say, no, that's not it. That's never it. You know, you're my person. But I'm just, I don't know if I'm overthinking everything, but just trying to see where the change happened for him.

It doesn't really matter. What matters is things have changed. Right. I doubt he's going to admit to aligning with this diagnosis. And maybe he doesn't even know for sure. Yeah. But what is important is that he is fairly honest about how he is feeling about the relationship in you right now, which is like not great. Right.

And he pulls it, he says that, well, my parents had a similar situation and I feel like that has messed me up. He said his first marriage ended and he became not trusting with people. So he does have very jealous tendencies and he wants to really dive into why his parents separated. And if it's in him that he hasn't forgiven his parents

or something, I don't know. Yeah, but maybe he stayed in this relationship longer than he otherwise would out of like trying to prove his parents wrong. Maybe. Yeah, maybe. And we don't know. Right. The good news is is like you do I mean, I think the kicking them out was probably the right choice. And so when I asked like, what are you willing to do about it? Like, you were willing to do that. That's not easy. Right.

You know? I just don't want him to be with anybody else. Well, that's... You might, you know, that might be out of your control. Yeah. If you had a choice, you only had one choice. I'm an angel. I come down from heaven

And I say you can be in this relationship with him It's not going to get any better Your sex life. This is pretty much it i'm not saying you'll never have sex with him, but It's never gonna really be that great or you're never gonna feel really desired by him and his feelings for you are essentially gonna be the same. And that's option one. Option two is you can break up with him

and I can guarantee you that in the next five years, it might be tomorrow and it might be five years to the day, I'm not gonna tell you, but in those five years, you might be tomorrow and it might be five years to the day, I'm not going to tell you. But in those five years, you're going to meet someone and it's going to be a really beautiful relationship. And this is a person you will happily grow old with and it'll be a great relationship. And in the meantime, in those five years where, you know, again, I'm not going to tell you when you meet them, but you will certainly have the freedom to date, get laid a couple times, have some fun. Some of them might be toxic. they might fuck you up a bit, but either way,

you'll have some life, but again, you're gonna meet someone and it's gonna be great. The only catch is that he's gonna meet someone too, and I mean, how you choose to process that or how much you wanna care about that and how much you wanna invest your emotional energy on whatever he's doing, that's entirely up to you, but he is going to move on as well,

but you will find a happy relationship, which sounds up to you, but he is going to move on as well. But you will find a happy relationship, which sounds better to you. The happy relationship, as hard as that is, I know I deserve that. So think about that, right? Because right now, a lot of your decision tree is based off of stopping him from being with someone else. Right.

And you're thinking more about that than what you might get out of removing yourself from this relationship. Yes, 100%. Well, I mean, I think this is something you should think about. I mean, you understand the silliness behind it. I mean, it's normal, understandable.

But since you can acknowledge it, that's probably not the most productive use of your energy. No, it's not. And I'm sick of feeling like this. I have so many other things that I can focus my energy on and having this person put me through this, which I thought I'd never do again in my entire life. It's not fair.

And- It's not, but you know, we are, you're 52. You're old enough to know that we, you make promises to yourself and then life happens and years go by and those promises we've made to ourselves get outdated or, you know, expi, you know what I'm saying? It's just like things expire just like food. It's like, yeah, this used to be really tasty and good,

but now it's not because it's old and outdated and it's expired. And 10 years ago, you would have been like, I'm going to choose to eat that and it's going to be because it's delicious. Yeah. And now it's just like, yeah, sure. You've made a, things have changed and you know, that happens and you know, so it doesn't matter what you told yourself in the past or what you promised yourself, you know, you have to make decisions based on what you know today. And you know, it's not like you're quitting. You've certainly tried, you've checked in, you tried,

you know, and you're still trying. You're trying by trying to make them miss you and show that, but I think you gotta push a little further. The good news is you've chosen the path for yourself that I would have chosen for you, which is to step away a little bit, create some separation, and be willing to let him go if that's ultimately what he wants. And then instead of losing your mind and focusing on is he dating someone else and letting your ego take over and trying to sabotage that and stay in this relationship

just because the hurt of him finding someone other than you that might trigger your ego, then you just accept the way it is, recognize that like, hey, I'm halfway through my life. I don't wanna waste these good years that I have left and I'm tired of feeling this way. And whatever he wants to do is whatever he wants to do, but I deserve to find someone that I can have fun with

and enjoy it and have good sex and just feel wanted and desired and feel sexy. Cause I did even about just after, lost his mind, I did have like a Budweiser photo shoot and I just sent him one picture and his response was, damn, that was it. Not that I expected more, but I'm like- You certainly wanted it. Yeah, you did. Yeah. You definitely expected more. I expected more, but yet I didn't, cause that's just him.

Well, you certainly hoped for more. But I deserved more, I guess. Probably wouldn't have done it, if you would have said, if I would have been like, oh, he's gonna just say damn. Yeah, no way. There you go.

So then you expected more. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, I think I know what I need to do. Yeah, I'm sorry you're going through this and who knows, you know, maybe he's going through midlife crisis, maybe like you, maybe the business will take off and he will feel like he can spend more energy on you, but the way what you're describing it's like he's not, I find that usually men when they're happy in their relationships and

unhappy with their professional careers lean into those relationships Yeah, I think you're using his job as an excuse to ignore how you he might just be feeling about the relationship Well, yeah, I just feel like that took once that started taking up his time, he just kept going with it because he loves it. And that I love that for him. I want him to be successful, but family comes first. And that's not happening. He's not even pretending to like, you know, he's saying, I don't know if I love you enough to get married. He's saying things like, well, you know,

it is what it is after you. Yeah, that pissed me off. Yeah, I get it. Pissed me off too. Yeah, I'm sorry, you know, it's, but yeah, the big thing is doing more of what you've been doing isn't gonna work. And doing, and what you just started doing, doing more of that, which is to basically show

that you will be okay without him. Yeah. And you get, you know, it's like, you know, as human beings, we just, we don't wanna lose things that have value, right? And the more, in this stage right now that you're in, the more you act like you can't live without him and then you're comfortable accepting the bare minimum,

the less likely he is to wake up and realize, what am I doing? I'm taking for granted one of the good things I do have going for me in my life. Well, one of my fears are, okay, say he's like, oh, I'm sorry, I love you, blah, blah, blah. In the back of my head, I would have a fear that this would happen again. Like he'd go through the same situation of, I don't know if I love you.

And I don't know if I want to stay in a relationship knowing that that, I mean, it can happen with any relationship, but to me, once I've been told, I don't know if I love you like you should, I pull back emotionally. Yeah, that makes sense. And again, yeah, he's at a weird time of his life. I mean, he's middle-aged. Does he take good care of himself?

He does, but he takes some sort of supplements that he said is supposed to help him with his energy. And he doesn't eat a ton and he likes to fast a lot and work out every day. I mean, he's not a junk food junkie, but I feel like he could be, what he puts in his body could be better choices. Sure, but like, I mean, physically,

does he look pretty good for his age? Yeah, he does. And he works out every day? He looks tired. I mean, maybe he just says tired. Yeah, and he probably could eat better too. I just, I think he's waiting for you to break up with him, whether he actually knows it or not. Yeah.

Yeah, I think the best thing you can do right now is probably say, you know, listen, I was really hoping you moving out would be some kind of wake up call, but clearly it's not. And I don't wanna do this and I wanna be with you, but I don't feel like you wanna be with me. And I'm just, I don't feel like I'm any kind of priority

in your life and you don't seem all that interested in doing anything about it. So I think we should be done. Those are hard words. Yeah, no, it's not easy. I know it's not gonna be easy. But I think in the long run, if I put myself first, will make me just a better person overall.

And well, just remember, you don't want this. And so if he wants to stop this from happening, he can. And just remember that. So if he doesn't stop you, then you have your answer. Yeah. And like, I mean, really stop you. I don't mean like give you the, well, you know, don't fall for him. Ultimately accepting your choice to break up and then him saying something like, don't give up on me. Just stick to the story.

I want to, this is done. Yeah, like if he's like, I don't want, no, why are you breaking up with me? Like I love you and I want to work on this and like, let's get to go to therapy and I don't know why. I'm sorry. You're right. I've been taking you for granted and I wanna work on this and let's go to therapy and I don't know why, I'm sorry, you're right, I've been taking you for granted and I'm fucking sorry and I'm sorry for making you feel this way and let's fucking go.

Yeah, if he gives you that, fine, then definitely you're hoping for that. But if he's ultimately like, well, you gotta do what you gotta do, which is in the category of it is what it is, and then says something like, well, just don't give up on me. He's just saying that because he doesn't want you to move on. He wants you, again, you clearly give him something.

Maybe you play the role of mom, I don't know, your emotional support, like he is used to having you and you do things for him, I'm sure, right? So you bring value to his life and he is taking and he's enjoying that value while not being, you know, well just, I don't know, I don't, you know, so he's getting something out of it. And you've still made it worth his time to not completely leave, probably because you've just been really understanding. Yes. And patient, and chill, and. Right, and I've been telling him,

couples do this as a team, we work through the hard things. And he was, I know, and you've always been there for me, but this I need to do by myself. Exactly, he doesn't wanna do it with you. Right. All right, I'm gonna put on my big girl pants. All right, I'm sorry, sorry it's happened. Please keep us posted, but listen,

it's bullshit you've been in a 12-year engagement. It's just bullshit. Yeah, that's a good way to put it. It's been so long that sometimes I forget that I am engaged. Yeah, well, best of luck. I'm sorry this isn't happening, but good things will come of it.

Okay, I will give you an update when I know more. All right, sounds good, I appreciate it. Thanks, Nick. All right, bye-bye. Bye.