The Viall Files - E97 Ask Nick- Gut Health with Maria Viall

Episode Date: February 24, 2020

Nick’s sister and Board Certified Holistic Nutritionist Maria Viall joins us to answer questions from listeners. But first, they discuss the results of Nick’s doctor appointment, and Maria shares her tips for gut health. Then, they talk to someone dating a volatile person, a young woman who doesn’t know how to break up with someone she loves, and a person who is wondering why her ex is blocking her on Venmo. Get your ViFi merch at https://shop.viallfiles.com. Send your sex and dating questions to [e-mail]. THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS: NOOM: https://www.noom.com/viall BETTERMENT: https://www.betterment.com REMRISE: http://getremrise.com/viall HIDRATE SPARK: https://hidratespark.com CODE: VIALL See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

welcome to another episode of vile files happy monday everybody thanks for listening as always and for those of you tuning in on monday hey thanks for uh being prompt and if you're not and getting finally getting to us that's totally fine too. In studio, we have my trusty psychic and producer, Rochelle. Hello. And Maria,

once again, the Maria Ask Nick episodes here to help me give advice on your questions as well as share some of her healthy lifestyle and eating advice

that she's so good at. We thought, hi, you want to say hi yeah hi what did you think of nick's doctor appointment his doctor saying he was what is your doctor oh my god like a 20 year old yeah well keep in mind before said doctor appointment i was getting blown up repetitively about what could it be could it be this should i be doing this should i be doing that should i be doing this should i be doing that like i just got my head just a matter of like not going to the doctor for long enough time and like not no like i think there is power in knowledge you know you can get obsessed over it but to like just go find out yeah like i can't read your blood like you know what i mean i'm totally fine yeah and that can i tell you that

pissed me off more where he came back and i was like wait a second your labs are better than mine you dick like you know like you thought you were like dying for no reason and now it's now you come back like spring chicken like oh yeah i'm like a 20 year old it's like go fuck yourself so anyways maria gut health i feel like more and more people are hearing about that and like it's one of those things like kale 10 years ago no one ever heard of kale now all we hear about kale gut health has seemed to be one of those things now in terms of people are even talking about it but honestly i don't know what the fuck it means well i feel like you probably do mr like 20 year old you know i don't need to worry about it yeah exactly it's like i'm 20 yet i don't need to

worry about my gut but yeah i think um you know science and research research we're we're finding more connections between the gut and brain and how much your gut health has to do with your overall health your immune system the way you age the way you digest food your ability to gain or lose weight like it all resides in your gut and And when I'm saying your gut, like people think their stomach, and it really is more so like your entire digestive tract, right? Your esophagus, your stomach to your small and large intestines. And without going into like an anatomy lesson, you know, your gut is your second brain. So they found that there are neurotransmitters that you think would just reside in the brain along the entire vagus nerve to your gut. So things like serotonin, they've actually found

in the gut to show that there is this huge connection between what happens in your digestive tract affects you like cognitively, which is going to affect you emotionally and mentally, and vice versa. So, you know, your gut health is your ability to break down food, to assimilate the nutrients, to digest, to remove toxins from your body, to have healthy poops, you know, like it's, that's gut health, you know, and it kind of gets blanketed as this general thing, but it's kind of the entire, as this general thing, but it's kind of the entire, it's your body's ability to fight off pathogens. How easily you get sick, you know, that is associated to your gut health.

Is gut health, in terms of taking care of your gut health, obviously there's genetics that go into like what your gut is like, but obviously I'm assuming diet plays a big role into improving gut health. Yeah. So there's a lot of times like all of clients will be like, oh, you know, my mom had IBS, my dad had stomach issues, so I have stomach issues. And inherently you will get some genetic factors from your parents. You inherit their digestive tract,

but it's not a foregone conclusion that that's just the way it's gonna be for you. So just like we're finding more about gut health, we're also finding more out that the human body is able to, based on its epigenetics, heal or improve or decrease and decline in health depending on what you do with your body and the genetics you're given. So we can see somebody who maybe has a family history of, you know, metabolism issues or digestive issues improve and not have the same diagnosis or longevity or conditions that their family has. And we can see people

the opposite, like start off strong and, you know, young buck and just not take care of themselves and then eventually kind of see this decline. So it is something that can change and diet is huge. If there's one thing you have control over when it comes to your health and that's the most repetitive is what you feed or fuel or don't feed or fuel your body on a daily basis. I'm sure there's so much you can do in terms of having great diet around your gut health, but what are some of the common things that are out there that people are eating that are like based off of convenience or are told it's healthy for them,

but they're in fact are really kind of damaging or hurting their gut health overall? So, you know, one of the things I'm going to say, and this might be a bit harsh for some people, is just process refined grains. And we don't think about that, but it's like, you know, all your bagels and chips and, you know, all of those types of things, because they aren't really doing anything nutritionally for you, except for maybe calories and carbs and, you know, some macronutrients.

But they might be carrying with them a lot more crap in them. So whether that be like additional fillers or sugars or additives that are really hard for your body to digest and get rid of, and they can actually cause your gut to have, be weaker, to say it easiest. They can be proponents to like indigestion, be weaker, you know, to say it easiest. They can be proponents to like indigestion, but then even bigger scale, like things like leaky gut, where we see tied to a lot more autoimmune cases

and more chronic illnesses long term. And then what are some things before we get to our questions of like some great, easy, convenient foods that people can use to help improve their gut health on a daily basis. Yeah. So the other thing I was going to say is like really crappy fats on top of that. So bad oils. So your vegetable oils, your canola oils, your cottonseed oil, soybean oil. So like the biggest thing I can say for people is look at the ingredients that are being made. If you see any of those oils, just don't eat that food. There are plenty of options out there that are made with healthier oils like avocado, olive oil, coconut oil, sesame seed oil.

There's healthy fats available in products. So just look for the fat. So my example for this is like nuts. Nuts are a great healthy food, but nuts cooked and made with peanut oil or cottonseed oil, you take a healthy food and you've now made it like incredibly toxic because now it's like a non-inflammatory food is now pro-inflammatory. So you can't always black and white food. A lot of it has to do with like how it's been processed. Yeah, exactly. exactly exactly but some easy tips for improving gut health you know we talked about this earlier is everyone focuses on like what i should eat what i should eat what i should eat and actually if you pay a lot more attention of like what you don't eat or more specifically like when you don't eat

can do a lot for your gut so we are obsessed with snacking in this culture. We're obsessed with like convenience food. We're obsessed with like feeling good. And so we eat a lot and we eat really frequently and we eat really late and we just are eating all the time. And that never gives your gut a break. It never gives your stomach the chance to just like not be digesting food. And when it's not digesting food, it actually can repair and heal so much better and faster when there's nothing sitting in it. So your body is going to always choose to digest food in your stomach over healing something that's going on because it needs to take care of it. And so if we're constantly feeding ourselves, we're telling our body to

like constantly take care of digesting, and it will never heal. So if we can take bigger breaks from eating, whether that be just having set meals in a day, or maybe you try something like intermittent fasting or an extended fast, you know, with the guidance of somebody who knows what they're doing, you can see so many chronic conditions clear up just by not consuming as much or as frequently as you are now. Well, thanks for sharing. I always, I know people love getting these little tips and tidbits from you. Before we get to our callers, obviously you can find Maria at mariavile.com.

If you're looking for more information from Maria about health and wellness and some eating habits. Obviously, at Natural Habits on Instagram, you can check out some of Maria's tips and tricks and wellness trips on her video series. And obviously, nhoils.com, 30% off our oils

when Maria is in studio with us. Send your questions at asknickatcastmedia.com. We have a great episode for you coming up. So thanks for sticking with us. As always, we love that you're listening, appreciate it, and hope you enjoy some of these callers. Here's an honest question. How are you supposed to know what to do with your money?

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Restless sleepers Yes fitful sleepers So we got this box And i'm opening it if you're watching on youtube it comes with a box and then there's four boxes and each box has a packet that you take each night and like i said rochelle has been such a delight ever since she's been using memorize it's been really great they also have an amazing app to help you also track your sleep If you're taking vitamins and pills or anything, I forget to do that all the time. Yeah. So Red and Rise also has a very user-friendly app to help you do that. And then it also gives you

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Not with Remrise. Totally. I would agree. They do not feel groggy at all. And that is a very important point. Very important point. And I stand by that. Do what I did or do what we did rather and check out REMRISE today. Go to REMRISE.com slash V-I-A-L-L to take

their sleep quiz. And when you sign up, you'll get 25% off your first month of REMRISE. You don't find an offer like this anywhere else. Get 25% off your first month of Remrise when you sign up at GetRemrise.com slash V-I-A-L-L. GetRemrise.com slash V-I-A-L-L. how's it going hi i'm emma i'm 29 years old hi emma 29 how can we help so i wrote in um several weeks ago about being in a relationship with someone that um my family and friends don't really vibe with. And my question was, how do I go about kind of handling that when my partner's going to ask me, what does XYZ think of me?

And the feedback is not good. And if there's a bigger question behind that, which is, should I really be staying in a relationship where no one's really supporting me? Okay. Is this still an issue? Well, we've since broken up. However, I think other people might benefit from the advice. Well, I'm curious, why'd you guys break up?

So basically, it was kind of a long time coming um I think that ultimately I mean her her reasoning was that she was depleted from the relationship and that there was so much conflict that it was making her depressed and gaining weight and not being able to progress in her career and that basically um because of all of our conflict and not getting along that i'm the reason that she can't really um she doesn't love me anymore because she doesn't even love herself so she broke up with you she broke up with me which has never that's like a little bit of an ego tip because i've never been broken up with before in my 15 years of dating women congratulations yeah that's a that's a good experience.

That's a win that might not feel like a win right now. Everyone said it's in my best interest and that she did me a favor. But yeah, so it's finished now. So this is interesting because she broke up with you, yet your family didn't care for her. And you were insecure in whether or not you should tell her and if you should stick with it. Now, looking back, now that you're out of this relationship, I know it's probably still

a little fresh. What were some specific concerns that your family had? Because I think the answer to the overarching question is, it kind of just depends on the situation, right? Like sometimes families do know you well and they have good advice and they can kind of just depends on the situation, right? Like sometimes families do know you well and they have good advice and they can kind of see things clearer than you don't see because you're in love and your love is blind. And sometimes families suck, right? Like, you know, sometimes families don't know you as well as they think they do. And sometimes they project their own bullshit.

So it kind of varies. I'm curious for you looking back, how would you assess that situation? Well, I mean, we got off to an interesting start. I think she kind of had a little bit of control issues where anytime things got too close, she'd want to take these breaks. And I have had, I don't anymore, a habit of kind of winning people over and getting into these relationships with women that I can like prove to them and really like fight. And, you know, I'm like over that at this point, because my mom was basically like, you know, it shouldn't be this hard in the beginning. And so a month after we first met, she wanted some space and talked to me for six weeks. And so from that point, like all my friends and family were like, you don't need this shit, you know. So when we did get back together after that, it was kind of just more

of the same. And I thought we could work past it. But I kind of avoided her, like introducing her to some of my really close friends in the beginning. And when they finally met her, they were like, you know, she has really low vibrational energy. She seems disinterested. She seems like kind of insecure. Like all of these things that I'm like, oh, geez, like it kind of made me like, you know, because you don't want to hear that about someone you care about. Now, did you notice those things? I guess I'm curious. So everyone's telling you what they think.

But like, like honestly it was were these things you picked up on yourself or is this strictly you're like they shared it with you and you're like I don't see that at all well I felt like if I because I knew her on a deeper level I could see how she seems very like um low-key and kind of you know even tempered yeah well here's not me at all so here's the thing that's like from what i'm hearing from you it's just like sometimes like low vibrational energy like that's not really a criticism certainly not a reason to break up with someone and to your point like sometimes especially around family people can be a little bit different and more chill

but what i'm hearing from you, and what I'm guessing your family sensed, is that you weren't yourself around her because usually you probably, at least if nothing else, are confident and in control of yourself in relationships, if not the one who's in more control in a relationship. And immediately in this relationship with her, she established her control because you dated for four weeks and then she broke up with you for six. You're constantly chasing her. She was constantly coming in and out. So you spent all of your relationship with this woman constantly trying to prove yourself to her or win her over and constantly do this.

do this and my guess is your family sensed a change in you and the fact that you were just constantly focusing on on appeasing this relationship and appeasing her and they probably didn't like that and to explain that they didn't like her were like nitpicking these little things that were kind of like whatever yeah at the end it's probably like they didn't like the fact her energy was pulling you down like someone can have low energy but you could keep your same status of energy and then no one really cares but if someone else seems to be affecting you in a negative way that that's the guess right and no one wants to like you know if i had a friend who dated who met someone and they like disappeared for any period of time and then like came back but still like constant was always like well i don't know if we should we should break up i need a break oh my god this is getting too much i'd be like this

fucking person doesn't know what they want like fucking leave right and then but you are just like you know when people are in your in your position there's that fine line between like well fighting for love and sticking it out and getting through the hard times sometimes like all the things that we need to do to make relationships work like fighting it and getting through the tough times we kind of like use the excuse to like uh it's worth it mask the problems early on a relationship yeah like just because of what you needed in a marriage doesn't it doesn't the same things of what you need to make a relationship in the first few months work yeah it should be pretty easy yeah i do agree with your mom it shouldn't be that hard like it's not always like there's things to navigate.

You're four of your marriage when it gets a little mundane and stale, like you might have some to deal with some issues that you don't just get divorced. But like the first couple months with her i was like this is not the person so i think there was a little bit of my own crap i had to work out trying to put it wrong you know and so going yeah going forward next time this is gonna be a great opportunity for just learn a lesson that if you meet someone you're excited about and they kind of um show some of these same traits of like pulling away and making you chase and and just being confusing now you need like that's an opportunity for you to say i've seen this before i'm not this isn't healthy i'm like she's at they're asking too much early on for for me you don't think there's ever a scenario where like someone acts like that in

the beginning and it's going to be an optimal result in the end like that's something that's really evolved from now on never yeah i was gonna say what would that be yeah and again if and if for some reason that's their like trial period like you don't need that shit either you know what i mean like there's no you don't need to like prove your ability to put up with someone's shit and then all of a sudden they become, like, a better person. Right? Yeah, that's a good point. They're just going to keep putting up with their own shit if they can get away with it.

The situation you described, there's no way that person isn't just, like, prone to drama. They're constantly dramatic. That's the projection, Nick. I'm telling you, the entire relationship was like, she's like, you're attracted to chaos. I don't think you know how to be normal. I don't think she's projecting that's her yeah yeah like wait a second how did i end up with you if all i know is chaos like you're not chaos yeah well i don't know maybe you like drama i don't know but you do to a certain extent i want to settle down sure yeah but you like it a little bit you like it a little bit but she she is she loves to bring it on yeah she likes to trigger yeah and but and i want to really make

sure that we cover like the whole thing like if you're dating someone and your family and friends are like not about them i think it's important to one if their concerns are legitimately concerns you have and them voicing them just makes you have a safer way of like finding the fault that's different than if your family or friends are like you know i'm not a big fan i don't like them and you're kind of like i don't see what you're saying that's two different things right if someone's airing a concern and you're like i see that as well and it bothers me don't ignore you avoiding it is not going to make it go away they're not going to become a better my mom likes everyone yeah so

that's that was a red flag yeah and they're red flag like if if a red flag comes up on your car or like a an alarm you like pay attention to it you don't wait for the whole dashboard to light up and your car shuts down to be like oh yeah shit that shit, that was a sign. And that's a struggle. I have it too. Dramatic people who are emotionally unavailable are also really fucking interesting. I love Nick. And I love him back. Well, that's why I wrote to you, Nick.

I feel like I'm the lesbian equivalent of you. That's great. Nick Cohn is a lesbian counterpart. I love it. Well, I wish you luck. Yeah, I know. But Godspeed. lesbian counterpart uh well i wish you luck yeah but uh but yeah just you know have it be an opportunity to learn she uh she loves drama and and her next you're you know if you ever were to meet uh her next partner you guys would sit down but like oh

my god same i thought she did that same shit to me she's gonna keep fucking doing this yeah and then so yeah yeah but as far as i think one more question do you think it's a red flag if by 35 years old someone's never lived with a partner not necessarily no i think so i think that also depends on where you live i think there's a lot of different factors in that yeah that's such a niche thing thing there could be so many reasons why i'd pay more attention to the other yeah their actions like living situations like they have a tattoo so i can't date them but like the red flag of breaking up after four weeks for six weeks is way way more of a concern than not having lived with someone yeah yeah so okay and that's the thing like pay attention to the real red flags and don't kind of like don't find fault where there isn't yeah yeah okay yeah all right all right well thanks

all right oh wait one more thing okay this person is still watching all of my stuff on instagram the last time this happened and i blocked her she lost her mind oh yeah i'm glad you brought this i'm glad you brought this up like you like this person will keep popping back in as long as you let them. So this is on you at this point to realize, while I'm sure they're a fine person overall, they're fairly toxic, at least for you. So you need to shut it down because they won't go away on their own. They're going to, when they get bored, they will show back up.

They're seeking drama somewhere else. And you're vulnerable right now. So I don't care that they look at their Instagram stories. It could be accident. Who knows? It could be intentional. Stop trying to figure out why they're looking at it. Block their ass if that's what makes you feel better.

Like stop using all these other excuses to keep them around. Like it's over. She's toxic. Not for you. She will pop back up. I'm not saying that to make you feel better uh she's only bored yeah and also it's not for you to figure out why she's doing what she's doing like she can do her own crazy shit you shut it down you take care of you and like move forward

she's doing it because it feeds an itch she's a trigger and you actually kind of like being triggered yeah same so i don't feel bad no we all do we all we all do i mean everyone kind of has our knows our our sensitive spots and there's nothing wrong with it we all like being wanted yeah yes we do word all right well take care thanks for calling in thanks guys all right bye bye right bye yeah yeah we like to Yeah, and I didn't mean that in a bad way. So interesting, because it's so much, just so much wasn't about parents. None of the question, no.

In terms of what happens when your parents like me or don't like me, which can rarely happen. And again, I do go, that is so, that's situational. It is, but at the end of the day, I honestly think it's more so, I had a gut feeling i felt this way i didn't listen to it i kept going with it i was looking for reasons and then like you're it got it ended up becoming the truth in the end anyways right and then you start figuring

out like how do i avoid that happening again it's like listen to the fucking triggers. Like, listen to the red flags. Nick. But they're so colorful. Yeah. They're so pretty. Waving in the air wildly. Shavings make a pile. They really do.

Shavings make a pile. I mean, in all aspects of life and especially with your diet. I was thinking about even this podcast yesterday, Shavings Make a Pile. The show has really grown. We're getting some great guests and more listeners. And honestly, you just start and you build and you have some success and you just kind of do it a little bit at a time. But it takes time to do anything well. and you just kind of do it a little bit at a time, but it takes time to do anything well.

And if you focus on your health that way, you will start feeling better about yourself. And Noom is going a long way to give you that information about what you should eat, how to eat right, healthy eating habits, all the information that you need to take better care of yourself through your diet, through right in the palm of your hand. Yeah, and it's all based in psychology.

So it teaches you why you're doing the things that you're doing and gives you tools to break the bad habits that you keep returning to. Food logging, important, keeping track. We just forget what we put in our bodies. And sometimes when we're eating, we're not even thinking about it. We just kind of eat out of just boredom sometimes. And then when we do eat because we're hungry and we're lazy, sometimes we're just like, oh, about it. We, we eat, we just kind of eat out of just boredom sometimes or just, and then when we do eat because we're hungry and we're lazy, you know, sometimes we're just like, ah, fuck it. You know? I like the people you date too. Totally like where the people we date.

It's an app on your phone. I have it on my phone. I go on just 10 minutes a day is all it takes to log on my food, read the articles, talk to my support group. I highly, highly recommend it. You don't have to change it all in one day. As we say, small steps make big progress. Sign up for your trial today at noom.com slash V-I-A-L-L. What do you have to lose? Well, maybe wait. Visit noom.com. That's noom.com slash V-I-A-L-L to start your trial today. noom.com slash V- N-O-O-M.com slash V-I-A-L-L to start your trial today. N-O-O-M.com slash V-I-A-L-L. Hydrate, spark, drink some water, feel better. Remember to do it through an amazing water bottle that reminds you you're thirsty.

Right? And it lights up. My light's up green. Rochelle, what color does your light up? Mine's coral and it lights up my lights up green Rochelle what color is your light up mine's coral and it glows pink I have been uh I'm last time we reminded people of a hydrate spark I I told people that it helps me make my pee white which people were very concerned they were and I'm like you know what that doesn't make a lot of sense my pee is not white um that would probably be a

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to better health and wellness. Yeah, so we just, we downloaded the app onto our phone and then we like match it with our bottles and the app keeps track of how much water you drink and then it glows when you need to drink more water. And how cool, like I've been in SoulCycle and my water bottle starts glowing. I just feel cool.

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It's spelled with an I, so that's H-I-D-R-a-t-e spark.com hydrate spark.com discount code v-i-a-l-l how's it going good how are you great i'm lucy i'm 22 hi lucy 22 how can we help hi so basically i have been with my boyfriend for about a year now. And when we first started dating, we both let the honeymoon phase get the best of us. We said things like, you're my person. I want to be with you forever. I see myself marrying you, both hopeless romantics, whatever. So now flash forward seven months, and he's still saying these things. but I'm starting to get like a gut feeling that I just couldn't honestly say those things back because I didn't

want to make promises that I didn't feel like I could a hundred percent keep. And I do love him. I know that I love him and I know without a doubt that he loves me and that he's honestly the sweetest guy ever. I've never been loved so well, and I know that sounds naive, but I feel like I've been through enough shit to know that it's not, it's more than just being naive. I don't think that makes anyone naive, to feel loved more than you ever have. I think that's great. I don't know, yeah.

There's nothing wrong with that. It feels legit. So I guess my question in short is this, when that feeling from the honeymoon phase start to fade is it and you get that gut feeling that you can't say the same thing that you used to at what point do you need to work through that because it's just the end of the honeymoon phase and at what point is it time to say goodbye regardless of how much you love somebody great that's a great question uh spoiler alert I think there's no definitive answer. It's one of those things where every situation is different.

If you guys obviously listen to this podcast, I emphasize, obviously, there's age matters in terms of where you are in your relationship. I knew that was going to say. age matters in terms of where you are in your relationship um there you know it is a world it's a different world but you you can feel really love real love at your age right i mean or much younger right and the hard part where you're i guess is going through is trying to figure out is just is he just my first love or is he um okay no or is he just like first love? Or is he... I don't know. Okay, no. Or is he just like another love, right? So also, as you emphasized before,

he makes you feel a certain way that you've never felt before, which must be a really great feeling. And if you've had other loves and if you've dated other men that maybe didn't treat you the way he does, that must feel really great and special. And that's certainly something to be valued, right?

Right. And that's great. You're almost kind of sometimes in a way the opposite of a lot of calls we get where I will emphasize so many of the people ask questions. They seem like they only really care about a guy liking them is their only like priority in terms of liking them back you're almost the reverse where it's just like oh i've never had a guy treat me this way and obviously and again that's not to be discounted but you're then reassessing your feelings for him right and it's like i don't want to waste this this yeah this uh kind of way he makes me feel i don't want to waste time and i don't want to waste this this yeah this uh kind of way he makes me feel i don't want to waste time and i don't want to waste yeah the feelings either so when you when you're going

so there's the honeymoon phase right um so everyone knows about that but the question is like how do you i mean when you say you don't feel like saying it back why you know because you know every relationship has its heart its ups and downs it's good years and bad years if you know you talk to or you talk to our parents who just celebrated their 40th anniversary and you know they've had a great marriage but you know there's some bummer times sure right um but you just got to figure out what do you really love about him you know how does he make you feel and in addition to just make him being nice and treating you well, does he do things for you? Does he bring out the things that you want to bring out in yourself?

Or does he help with that and all those other things that he might not do? Or, you know, what do you feel like is actually missing other than maybe the initial excitement's gone? Right. He's just very sensitive, I think, is one thing that's kind of started to put my guard up a little bit like he which with the sensitivity comes the part where he's able to put so much emotion and love into the relationship because he is so intact with that emotional side but it's sometimes it just feels like every little thing just becomes a big deal but okay yeah so there's that but it's like did you give us do you have an example um so for example like so my mom is terrified of cats always has been

always will be cats my boyfriend like loves cats yeah okay my boyfriend loves cats that's a red not a creepy cat i'm kidding i'm kidding cats and um so he was talking to my mom about the cats. He didn't know that she was afraid. And my mom was being so sweet. She was just like, nice. This is like for 10 minutes. And finally, I mean, we'd all been drinking and I just could not handle it anymore. And I just start bursting out in laughter because my boyfriend's talking to my mom about

cats that she's terrified about for 10 minutes. Okay. And so then my mom starts laughing with me and he can't he can't take it like he has to go to another room and like cry almost for a second text me and it's like oh my gosh that was not okay like i can't believe you're doing that blah blah blah and what it's like me and my mom were like we're not laughing at you we're laughing at the situation it was funny like okay yeah we're not saying at you. We're laughing at the situation. It was funny. We're not saying we don't care about your cats. It's just funny that you talked about my mom about cats. Do you have a lot of examples similar to that? Or is that kind of overreaction and

hypersensitivity that he has a common thing? Yeah, more so recently, just within the last month or so. Is it also the beginning? Was this also kind of the same time that you kind of stopped responding with some of the same like, you're my forever? This is always Yeah, okay. Yeah, it all kind of started to correlate. And like I mentioned to him that this does bother me because to me, they feel it starts to feel like to a point where it's an argument but to him he doesn't think they're arguments he thinks we're just having conversations and he's like if anybody asked me about our relationship i would say it's more or less perfect blah blah blah but if somebody asked you about our relationship you would say that we argue all the time yeah he would say that blah he would say that you argue yeah just at least recently so can i can i yeah so a

couple things so one have you ever so you said like you've never been loved as much as he loves you as well as well okay so could there be maybe space to know that like you can be loved really well by him but he could not necessarily fulfill your need as a partner. And the reason I say that is like, I think as women, sometimes there's always this, like you want somebody who's sensitive and takes care of you and acknowledges you.

And like, just like, you know that they love you. Right. Like you probably could confidently be like, he probably like, could you confidently say like, he would never break up with me.

Oh yeah. Right. So, be like he probably like could you confidently say like he would never break up with me oh yeah right so i so i think it's really easy for us to stay in those relationships because we're like this person like loves me so much like why would i give this up for somebody who maybe might treat me like crap but right at the end of the day like you he you satisfy his need and he satisfies a part of your need, but there's like this other part of you that needs to be fulfilled that he's not, I'm going to just be really direct, he's not satisfying and that's the reason why you feel like you can't say back, you're my person.

Because there's a part of you that just kind of knows like, because there's a part of you that just kind of knows like this is this isn't what i want and that's probably very intimidating to him because there's probably fear in the sense that like he probably feels it to a degree and there's there's fear that he might lose you and so that's some of this like your other boyfriend before him was he kind of a dick oh yeah yeah i mean yeah abuse has been pretty much every sense of the time right so uh the fact that he loves you so much and so hard and so strong at first must especially when you first met him must have been very comforting right and safe and nice and a great change of pace, right? Right. And you're just simply just desiring some balance. How old is he?

22. Are you his first girlfriend? Or 21. Okay. Are you his first serious girlfriend? No. Okay. How many serious girlfriends has he had before?

One. Yeah. I mean, there... And was that like... When was that? In early college or how long? Yeah, earlier. Like, I mean, we're seniors now and it's like sophomore, junior year.

Okay. That's what, you know, so, and again, not to condescend, but you guys are young, right? And there's things you're going to figure out. And whether you stay together or break up, you are going to look back four or five years from now, and not just in this situation, but a lot of situations go, yeah, that was kind of funny how i thought that way kind of thing and even him especially him right now i mean we just like every guy his age i mean i'm sure i've done that you know like i don't want to like pick on him guys are emotional messes especially when they really like a girl especially some of the good guys you

know some of the guys who you know i in some ways i relate to him where you know does he have like a pretty good upbringing like do you like his parents they you know i don't know yeah they have his parents could be i don't mind or abusive but they're good okay but like he it sounds like maybe he he takes priority in wanting to treat you well you know like he you know he it's probably important to him for for people or especially you to think he's one of the good guys in terms of and so he probably takes that really earnestly and very seriously and when you're a young guy who's in love you know you feel like i'm a good guy i'm gonna open the door for you i'm never gonna like raise my mouth and i would never be like your ex-boyfriend and i just sound

just like him and i deserve all these medals and i'm great and like i just love you so much and just love me back and it's like sometimes young men who are in love just will learn how to chill the fuck out you know and um he's that's what he's going through right now. And that's his kind of life, you know, and, but to Maria's point, I'm not trying to justify it to say, hey, stick it out with him. You know, he's, whether he's your guy or not, it's probably a safe bet that right now he is not capable of fulfilling these needs that Maria is suggesting. And it might require him some emotional growth and maturity that you have every right to decide, I'm not ready to stick that out with you right now. That could be years from now. It may require him to lose a

love that he has with you. And then I'm sure for the next six months, I feel bad because it's going to really suck for him. It really will. And I don't say it to make you feel bad. I'm sure for the next six months I feel bad because it's going to really suck for him it really will and I don't say yeah I don't make you feel bad I'm preparing you if you decide to break up with him it's gonna be kind it's gonna be hard on him but don't let him guilt you into getting yeah because he's gonna throw a lot of guilt your way and he's just oh god he's gonna be in a lot of pain he's gonna be really me, I've seen it from a sisterly standpoint, but also I broke up with a boyfriend who was very similar, and I dragged it out so long. It's going to be a real mess.

Yeah, that's what I'm terrified of. So then how do you break up with somebody that you do love? Like, I do love him. Yeah, but you know you can't. Like, right now I want to be with you, and right now I love you. Tomorrow I want to be with you. Tomorrow I love you. I just can't tell you more.

How do you break up with someone you love? Here's what you do. You be kind as possible. You be direct and you don't hedge your bet. You don't say things like maybe in the future, not right now. Break up with him. Can I just ask a really quick question? So if we could, so him who he is and and let's say things changed the way he responded.

Maybe he didn't go in the other room to get upset about the cat comment. I don't mean to laugh. I have never done that for the record. No, but I'm saying let's just say, I don't want to say anything less sensitive, but maybe he, some of those ways you could take a joke yeah would you but would you still have some aspect of you that would be like i'm not quite sure if he's my forever yeah good question good question i don't i think that that's been the major change is because when i was able to say those things

he wasn't getting upset like that yeah it's like, because I would like to believe that if so, if he was able to stop getting in those headsets mindset that I could get back there. Yeah. So I think there's a fear of like, if your last boyfriend was kind of a jerk and this guy is like super nice, it's like, you feel like there's this like, well, I kind kind of upgraded this guy doesn't treat me like crap but know that like then this is this relationship you can bring so much knowledge into like moving forward if you decide to break up it's like okay cool I've been with the the jerk I've been with like the lovely guy and like he's not and I'm gonna say this because this was the lesson I had to learn in terms of this because I dragged on a relationship like this way past because of the guilt of the breaking up and being like, I don't want to hurt you. He's not going to be his best version if you stay with him, feeling the way you do about who he is.

Because you're going to always have this kind of like cringe feeling every time that sensitivity, but you're just going to be like, oh my God, I just like get the hell away from me. Like you're just going to, and that's going to get into the relationship. And then he's going to wonder why, you know, it probably has shifted already to a degree, I would imagine. Yeah. I mean, it's, it's, it's safe to say he's probably not going to chill out anytime soon. No. And he might need you. This is the hardest thing with breakups. He might need you to break up with him and crush him.

I'm not saying you're going to. Not even mine. You probably will. Most likely. You will crush him. No, but he also... He needs it. He needs that.

He needs that, though. I doubt very much. Let's say you're like, you know what? This is my guy. Let's work on it. Let's work on it. And you did. You guys got engaged like in a year from now and decided to get married early in life.

This is pretty much how he's going to be. Yeah, exactly. But sometimes we need that and you might need that too, right? Like you guys both will not be your best version of yourself. If like you're sticking in a relationship because it's better than your last or he's loved you better than before. Somebody can love you better than someone before, but maybe your next boyfriend loves you just as much. But like you feel that vibe. You can say you're my forever. You know, he can handle a little bit of cat comedy, you know, like, I'm just, you know,

like, don't settle just because he's better than your last. Yes. Right. I would totally agree. And again, going back to the how you would break up with him, my only note would be just, my only note would be, you know, you certainly want to be kind and sensitive. And if he needs to talk, give him an opportunity. And he would, like, this guy is going to, he's going to be like, can we talk again?

You know, like, yeah. Well, and it would hurt me too, though. Like, yeah, it hurts my heart to even think about it. Sure. I'm simply just saying, be, be, be definitive in your decision. Yeah. He's going to want to work on it. He's going to want to work on it.

And you're going to feel bad. So you'll be like, well, maybe not right now. It's, you know, maybe, and like, maybe two years from now or a year from now, maybe you do get back together. You reconnect because there's been some growth, but don't float that idea. Leave. Go away.

And he'll figure it out. He's got friends and family. And interestingly enough, you're not gonna be the person to like, even though he loves you so much, you're his girlfriend, there's this, you're not gonna be the one to coach him up.

You're not gonna be the one who says, hey, listen, dude. You can't fix him. You can't be this way. It might be a friend or internally on himself who's like, hey man, yeah, I'm gonna be honest with you. Like, you're great, I love you.

And yeah, you were a great boyfriend, but man, you kind of, you kind of need to chill the fuck out man um no he's saying that you're not she's not the one to tell him that no she's not yeah a friend of his or someone after like he's going through this heartbreak it's not for you to like teach him a lesson it's just you you have to stand from a point of like, this is how I feel. Like, don't make it about him. Just be like, hey, look, I love you. And thank him for like all of his love. But at the end of it, you have to be like, this is how I feel.

And I'm not into it. Or just, I don't feel the feelings I felt when we began. And I can't honestly continue on this relationship. Because it wouldn't be fair for you or myself, right? Because sometimes we're always just relationship because it wouldn't be fair for you or myself right because sometimes we're always just like it wouldn't be fair for you and he'd be like I'm okay with it like I'll stick with it you know just own that and be like well that's what he said last time I kind of brought something up it's I'll work on it if that means I can't speak my mind I'll I won't yeah but you don't want someone that's the thing too is like you almost don't want to give him too many explanations as to why because he will just

be like oh well just i mean that was me the fixer like me too yeah i can change yeah oh please please give me a list this is very helpful look at me i look at me i'm so like i'm so grounded. I'm fine. Look at me. I'm going out. I don't need you. You'll come back in like eight days. Good. I fixed everything. I'm ready to go.

Yeah. And it will last for a couple weeks and it'll be right back to the cats. It will. It will. You almost just want to be like, listen, my feelings have changed and I just think I need to move on. Yeah. You have to own it, girl.

You can't say we like you can't you have to be like i feel this way you know i love you thank you so much for like loving me but like i i can't continue on because it's i'm not happy yeah and and less about him and what's wrong with him and what he needs to change because like nick said for sure that's going to be a constant because he's going to keep trying to be like but look but look like i it's me it's new fun boyfriend like look i you know i can take a joke like i'm doing stand-up like you know like it's just you have to own it and it's going to be hard he's going to keep coming back and he's going to keep showing he's changed and you know be okay be kind but be okay with him still kind of hating you

in the short term you know and it's okay for you to be sad too like you love him that's gonna be really mad at you he's gonna say some really nice things and then probably say some mean terrible things and yeah he's gonna probably call up your friends and ask what they can do to help get you guys back together. But, yeah. Well, I think you know. All right. Well, best of luck. And let us know how it goes.

All right. Take care. Bye-bye. I so understand her from her standpoint. Yeah. And I actually understand her boyfriend because i've been there for you when you were the boyfriend yeah and just like no nick don't leave a note on the car don't leave don't leave a but i love you i know but like look i can change i i go to church now and i'm and the thing

is too it's like yeah it's like he's probably a great guy you know all these things he's probably just a really nice guy. He just doesn't know how to kind of harness his love, so to speak. Right. But look at like, look at sometimes like my example of that is when I finally was able to like, nope, we're not getting back together. Like that person ended up becoming a better person because they had to like learn that. It's like, oh it's like oh shit like this i could totally picture our friend

like like she breaks up with him but like he's nice she sticks her out and they have like this year where like they're not together but they're oh they hook up a couple times don't do that yeah don't try it's like a band-aid. It really is. And in a nice way. And he won't actually change until he accepts that she is out of his mind. No. No, and yes. And I think we can be so blinded by a relationship and the ideals. And I remember that age. And also, I was going to say to her, there's seniors in college, right?

So it's like there's this new chapter looming. And that probably is really scary, too. It's like like i better lock this down before we're out in the world yeah and she's she's probably like i kind of can't wait to breathe but she probably wants to be a guy with money right well i don't mean like in a gold digger but like you know like no but she also probably feels suffocated i I guarantee she feels suffocated. I bet she would, to your point, might feel a bit more fulfilled with a guy who's a few years older than her, has kind of a little bit more figured out,

emotionally a bit more mature than her guy right now. Or just has like a little bit and just... It's possible she can meet someone her age with the emotional maturity, but women do mature faster than men. I'm totally on board with that stereotype. i think like we kind of slow down that maturity if somebody's all of a sudden showing us like this ultimate kindness it's like nobody feel everybody feels bad breaking up with the nice guy because it's like you hear about all the jerks out

there but it's like a nice guy too can be actually manipulative very manipulative and a little toxic not intentionally but like he can like hear his comment about the the cats but that's not okay and that's not right so all of a sudden it's like i'm feeling bad because we're having this light-hearted yeah so i i didn't want to say it but she probably wants a guy who can like you know give it back a little bit you know like you you don't want to date a doormat she needs balance yeah and i'm happy that she kind of knows but it's going to be tough but she'll she'll do it she's got it how's it going hey i'm rachel um i'm 22 from milwaukee hi hi rachel 22 milwaukeen milwaukee welcome yeah how can Thank you. All right. So a little bit of the backstory is

I've had the same kind of group freshman year of college throughout all of college. We'll call him Billy, one of my friends in the group. And we started to hook up junior year, kind of that on and off. It was a little dicey at times. It was always kind of like he, um, had stronger feelings than I did. And so we were very on and off, ended up, um, having drama, whatever senior year comes, we started dating a little bit, fully ended things, whatever. fully ended things, whatever. So we fully stopped everything five months ago and new year's, um, just happened. And you really hit it on the head with, um, the Wells episode, you know, us from monkey, we went to Chicago, got to get the bar deal, have, have a good time there. Yeah. Um, pay for drinks. Right. Exactly. So we had a good time. All went there. All of our friends, pretty normal.

Everything's cool. Around midnight, I'm talking to another guy who we aren't friends with, just a stranger, whatever. Ended up kissing him very, nothing crazy, whatever. Okay. whatever. Okay. And so I look over a little bit later, still talking to him,

and I see Billy screaming and sobbing in the bar. So I'm a little confused. Screaming and sobbing? Yeah, I was going to say, what? Sobbing, yes. Who is he screaming at? Yeah, who is he screaming to or at or what? Yeah, to our mutual friends. Okay.

Like our guy friends. Okay. So I'm a little confused, but I'm like, obviously I'm not going to go over there. I don't know. So a little bit later, I go to one of my other friends and I'm like, what's going on with Billy? And he's like, he's pissed at you because he thought I maliciously like took a guy over near him to kiss at midnight to rub it in his face or something. Which, to paint a picture, he knew other people at this bar. Was not in the section that we were at.

It was a large space. There were different sections. And I had not seen him all night. So I had no idea that he was even near me. And also, whatever. So then... I got a question for you. Was there any part of you

that wanted to make him jealous no you sure because i'm not totally believing you no that's that's a fair question um no because i think excuse me sorry in the past um i've always been kind of blamed to be like the bad guy in all the situations because he's kind of been the one that has had stronger feelings. Okay. So I have been trying to be respectful of that. Um, and like not get on the bad side. Um,

so I don't think I, no, I don't think I was like trying to make him jealous. Um, thanks. So no, wait, what's,

what's your question though? But I'm just trying my question yeah so um okay so then fast forward i am now um blocked on every social media instagram snapchat facebook linkedin spotify venmo anything you can think of have you checked all of these apps to see if you can have access to i know i like i now that I'm saying it, I've checked up, yeah. Yeah, okay. I didn't even know you could block on Facebook. I didn't know you could block on Venmo.

And your question is what? Do you let it be? Do you reach out? What? Is that what it is? Right. So I guess the question is, am I being insensitive saying that I think that this is kind of childish behavior?

Yes. And because we are all in the same friend group like how am i supposed to react when i do see him well i don't think because i will see him well it sounds like he's the one who's trying to figure out how to react around you the fact that he's blocked you on everything sounds like he can't right now take any information that has anything to do with you and what you're doing with your life yeah like that's what it sounds like and yes and so he is from what i'm hearing doing what he thinks he to protect himself yeah and so is it an overreaction i mean maybe but sometimes you have to go to the extreme to to do these things i mean like that's why you like if you want to block someone because you're trying to get over

him and block him because that's what i'm saying you're doing it because you don't want to see it you're not you know hopefully he's not doing it to get a reaction from you all right um that's not for you to figure out right uh you know stop you're you're kind of you're still playing games with him this whole friend group they're like there is drama it sounds like you know you have the power in this relationship you kind of like the fact that maybe he was a little bit bothered i'm not saying you want to be with him, but like, again, everyone likes to be liked.

Yeah, you do like to be liked. My guess is there will be a day he will be totally over you. He'll be moved on. You will feel like he actually is more or less indifferent towards you.

And that day, it will bother you. It'll piss you off. Hell yeah, it will bother you. Because right now, you know you have control and like you care about him. You don't want to see him freaking out.

But what you want to do right now is tell him he's being childish and whatever. But like he's hurting and like, and listen, they're not a bad person. Like we've all been there. Yeah. This is an exact emotion. But what you need to do is respect

what he's trying to do and let it go. Yeah. And if you want to go above and beyond, stop using this friend group as an excuse to like well i can't help but like we're in the same friends and he's got to like be maybe avoid the friend group a while like he's asked indirectly for space yeah i was just gonna say like maybe new year's and the the cry screaming maybe it triggered something to him to be like oh shit i didn't realize she has that

strong of a pull on me and he may have been like i need to move forward like she's moving forward and this is how he does it right so we don't know or or more right or more likely he has used this friend group as an excuse to have access to you still you know like he's still hopeful that you would like reconnect and he could still be around you and probably hoping that you he would be the New Year's kiss. So, right. He also had left all of the group chats like of our friend group that I'm in. So I think it's like not. So you may not even have to worry about how to react when you see him.

He may not show around. She wants to what she wants to do is kind of make a thing of it. And she wants to call him out. You want to ask everyone for the sake of the group. He's a suck it up yeah you need to stop doing that you need to let him go you need to respect his space you gotta let him let him like you even like if if you do the do the big person thing if you know he's gonna be there just fucking leave let it go most likely he'll just avoid it right but don't be a dick and like make him feel bad about it you know like i also would suggest not asking other people in the friend group how he's doing don't like i it's not your responsibility

to help him get over you that is not your responsibility but your only job to get over help him get over you is to not indirectly tease or float the idea that there's hope or check in because you care about him you just want to make sure he's doing okay and just to be clear you don't right you don't want a relationship with this guy correct okay yeah so let him go yeah you gotta just let him go and you haven't really let him go and you may not done things i can tell like you're not a bad person no no but you certainly enjoyed the attention and that's okay we've all been there like everyone kind of wants someone to cry scream over them kissing someone else like like i don't want you but it's dramatic it's dramatic but you cared enough to be like what's wrong with him like could it be i kiss someone

else and the day he is totally over you it's going to it's going to bug you bug you and i don't not disagreeing with you don't don't be a dick and then convince yourself, oh my God, I realized that I loved you. You don't love him. He's not your guy. He's a nice guy. You want something else. You want to make out with some guy in Chicago,

as you should. Good for you. Friend groups, as you guys get older, will slowly dissolve and break away. It's fine. She's coming with the crushing hammer of like, everything you love right now will not be in existence. Well well yeah that's called life things evolve and change right yeah college friend group as you guys leave college well like you're not you'll still be friends with

all these people it's it's going to be different like yes i remember college i loved the friend group i missed the friend group sometime that like we all know we're all hanging out it's not a matter of if we're hanging out it's just where are are we going? You know, it's great. It's fun. That changes. And that'll end. And lots of times, these are some of the reasons that make it start ending. But in this case, don't be a dick.

Yeah. He cut the cords. Don't try to like mend them. Like let the cords be cut. Yeah. So just avoid all. I mean, I understand what you're saying so if i if i their friend group things i should not go well i think you can go as long as you know that you

know your intentions and as my my guess is you won't have to worry about that because he again he's going to the extreme of cutting you off yeah let him cut you off yeah don't go out of your way to like tell a friend that you think he's being immature yeah right right right you know so that he gets back to him. Or ask him like, why did you cut me off? Why did you do this? You know, like, oh my God, I thought we were just friends. The less that you seem to care, the easier he'll get over you.

Yeah. Okay. That's very helpful. Thank you. All right. Best of luck. Stay warm. Thanks for calling in.

All right. Well, another great episode, Maria. Yeah. Thanks as always for joining us. We'll have to keep doing this and keep making the thing. Don't forget to check out Maria at mariaval.com, nh oils.com. As always, when she's in the studio, we'll do 30% off all essential oils. Anything else?

Don't forget to send your questions at askniggetcastmedia.com. As always, thanks for listening and we will see you next time. If you love them, let them time. If you love them, let them go. If you love them, let them go. White Fang them.