The Viall Files - E992 Ask Nick - You're Pregnant, Your Rules

Episode Date: September 1, 2025

Our first caller is wondering why she keeps getting attached to men who can't communicate?. Our second caller is dealing with a monster in law during her pregnancy. And, our third caller realized she had no friends in the face of tragedy.  “I think we are all lacking a sense of commitment." Listen to Humble Brag with Cynthia Bailey and Crystal Kung Minkoff every Monday. Available wherever you get your podcasts and YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@humblebragpod  https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/humble-brag-with-crystal-and-cynthia/id1774286896 https://open.spotify.com/show/4NWA8LBk15l2u5tNQqDcOO?si=c03a23d537f94735 Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  We’ve partnered with Mint Mobile to open a hot takes hotline to hear your scorching hot opinions! Give us your hot takes, thoughts and theories and we’ll read and react to the best ones on an upcoming Reality Recap episode! All you have to do is call 1-855-MINT-TLK or, if you prefer the numbers, that’s 855-646-8855 and leave us a message. To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice, send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on this podcast please email: [e-mail] or go to: https://advertising.libsyn.com/theviallfiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Helix Sleep - For their Labor Day Sale Best of Web Offer, go to https://helixsleep.com/viall for 27% Off Sitewide Exclusive for listeners of The Viall Files.  BetterHelp - Talk it out, with BetterHelp. Our listeners get 10% off their first month at https://betterhelp.com/viall  Grammarly - Let Grammarly take the busywork off your plate so you can focus on high-impact work. Download Grammarly for free at https://grammarly.com/podcast  Tonal - Right now, Tonal is offering our listeners $200 off your Tonal purchase with promo code VIALL at https://tonal.com  Sundays For Dogs - Get 40% off your first order of Sundays. Go to https://sundaysfordogs.com/viall or use code Viall at checkout. Timestamps: (00:00) - Intro (01:47) - Caller One (40:50) - Caller Two (01:08:33) - Caller Three Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @justinkaphillips @the_mare_bare @dereklanerussell

Well, we're married today because of Helix. I'm just going to say it right now because if you are cranky, that's just not good on your marriage. And if you don't get good sleep, I mean, that's just, this is a ticking time off off if we're working with a different mattress. You know, and I'm just here to say, if you guys are just been at each other's throats and you don't have a helix mattress, what's the harm and upgrade into the greatest mattress created by mankind? It's a helix mattress. We've talked about it for a long time now. We sleep on a helix mattress wherever we go, whether at the lake or at home. We have a Helix. We gift the Helix. We have it in all our guest bedrooms. Our guests rave about it.

They're literally recommended by multiple leading chiropractors and doctors of sleep medicine as go-to solution for improving your sleep. They have a great lineup of 20 unique mattresses for all kinds of sleepers. It doesn't matter how you sleep, hot, cold, on your side, on your back, rolled up into a ball, whatever your preferences are. Helix has a mattress just for you. Just go to Helixleep.com, answer a few questions about your sleep preferences, and they will match one of their 20 unique mattresses. that are perfect for you. And don't worry, if by some miracle you're not obsessed with it, you get 100-night's sleep trials. So you can try it for 100 nights and send it back for a full refund if you're not completely obsessed and in love with your Helix mattress. They also come

with a 10 to 15-year warranty depending on the mattress that you choose. So if you want to sleep good and you want to stay married, check out Helix sleep for their Labor Day sale. Best of Web offer. Go to helixleep.com slash V-I-A-L for 27% off site-wide, exclusive for our listeners of the file files. That's helixleep.com slash V-I-A-L for 27% off-site. Helixleep.com slash V-I-A-L-L-L.

You're crazy. How's it going? Good. How are you? Good. What's your name? My name's Jessica. I am 32,

and I keep getting attached to men who can't communicate. Okay. Have you met men that you, that can communicate that you're not attached to? No, not really. Why don't you just describe maybe the most recent or one that comes to mind? Maybe that prompted you to write in. Yeah, so maybe a little background to be helpful. So haven't really dated much. I was in last serious relationship with my early 20s. And then after that, I got involved with someone I was working with. It was very, started very casual. Not the best situation, but I had some, you know, family stuff going on. And it was really just a distraction. And throughout that, I was the one not communicating. Like, oh, I don't need to communicate. Like, if I don't talk about my problems, they're not there. And we don't need to acknowledge them and everything will be fine. Definitely wasn't fine. Ended up pretty hurt through that situation. Took some time from that. What, why were you hurt? Like, what, what were you ignoring or not communicating?

Feelings, when feelings got involved. Gotcha. And I'm assuming you started sleeping with this person. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So definitely didn't communicate when feelings got involved.

I'm like, well, you know, it's fine. Everything will be fine. It's just a distraction. It's not really going to go anywhere. Did feelings get involved? At what point did feelings get involved? Probably a few years in. It definitely went on way longer than it should.

I should have. Oh my God. How long did this go on for? About six years. Oh, you, okay. You were casually hooking up with someone from work for six years? Yeah. Yep, it was like an on and off again. It was just kind of when it was convenient for me, when it was convenient for him kind of thing. Well, how convenient was it for, well, six years was a very long time. Yeah. So like, that's, that's, and you're, the way you're talking about it, you're talking about it like a, a, uh, Six months is a long time. I mean, like, you're talking about it as like a two or three month thing. No, it was definitely a long, drawn out kind of shouldn't have been happening. Did you, in those six years, did you date other people?

Did he date other people? No. So to throw another wrench in here, he was separated, but not actually divorced. Okay. So. For the whole six years? Yep. So for the whole, he's been a married?

So I was told. So I was told. Do you think is, He's still married as far as your... Oh, yeah. Yeah, no, they're still... Living with his wife? Yep.

Was he always living with his wife? Yeah. Okay. So just not a great situation all around, but with everything else going on in my life, like it kind of served a purpose. Gotcha. And then once I was too far in, that's kind of when it got messy. Okay.

Well, how messy did it? I mean, I guess, like, how messy did it get? It didn't really get messy, I guess, in the term, like the sense of anything, like, dramatic happening. It was just once the feelings got involved and I knew that they weren't going anywhere. I kind of had to talk myself out of the mindset of like, well, having some things better than having nothing at all. And, you know, I deserve more than that. Did you ever like shoot your shot or were you just like, I don't know, this guy's probably married and probably not even separated it? No, maybe like a few months before it ended. I did. I was like very open. I'm like, you know,

there's feelings involved. And he's like, yeah, well, this can be. And I'm like, well, okay. He said, What? This could never be a thing. You know, it's too complicated. My kids, all the, you know, all the excuses. Gotcha. Yeah. Okay. But that took up the majority of my 20s and then kind of got past that. I'm like, all right, let me give dating a shot. You know, now that I'm 32, I kind of, I've worked through that. No kind of what I'm looking for. Let me see what's out there. Okay. And then what are you running into now? So I've been using the apps because that seems to be the way to go these days. First person I met up with. It was pretty, I don't want to say significantly younger, but he was younger. I'm like, oh, this will be good to just kind of get my feet wet, see what's out there, meet up with someone, not really expecting, you know, too much from that.

And it definitely turned into a little more than I was expecting at first. Oh, so? We just, we started instantly. It was a good connection. We had really easy conversation. He seemed very respectful, got along pretty well, jumped pretty fast into communicating pretty regularly. This is the first guy you went on a date with that you met on the app. Post married guy? Okay. Yeah. All right.

Hung out probably like three times in that first week and a half after meeting. And he was very, it took like nothing physical happened right away. It was just kind of a lot of talking, getting to know each other, enjoyed being around him. How much younger? He's 23. So nine years. Okay. And what were you getting out of that? It was just nice to be around somebody that, you know, there was no limitations or anything. You genuinely enjoyed being around each other. Could, you know, go out and do things or just have a quiet night in.

And it was not solely physical. Okay. So that was kind of a nice change from... Did it get physical? It did eventually, yeah. How long in? It took maybe three or four times hanging out to kiss. And then we went more than that, maybe five or six times in.

Yeah. Okay. And then what happened with that guy? So we kept, we were pretty consistently communicating, kept checking in, like, are we on the same page? There were no real expectations up front. Just like, let's talk, see what happens where it goes. Either it's going to work or it's not, but we'll find out either way. We were seemingly on the same page.

And then it got to the point where it was harder and harder to actually see him. We were talking all day, but actually getting him to make a plan was becoming increasingly difficult. And he lives a mile away. But that changed, right? Like it was, it wasn't always difficult and then became difficult. it became difficult yeah it was super easy at first and then it became increasingly difficult how shortly after you guys had had had sex did it start getting difficult maybe like a month later so we was pretty consistent up until that point and then i went on a work trip and came back

and what were what were as you started getting to know this guy started enjoying his company and it started to get physical what forgetting about what his expectations were what you guys were communicating, what were you getting out of it and what did you hope to continue to get out of it had it moved forward? I guess I was just hoping to get out of someone that I could see like on a regular basis. I'm not overly concerned with titles. Like I'm not looking to find a husband. I'm not looking to start a family. Period. I kind of want someone that I, period. Yeah. I mean, I'm not like opposed to it. If it happens, it happens, but I'm not like, that's not a goal. I'm not set out like I need to find a husband and start a family. When you say need to find, I'm just

curious, I'm trying to understand how honest you're being with yourself. I'm trying to figure that, you know, there's a difference between, like, I don't need to find a man and a husband sort of family versus, like, would you like to? I'm not opposed to a husband. I've never really wanted to start a family. You don't want kids. No, I've never really wanted them. Okay. I'd say like 90% now. There's a part of me that's open to a discussion, you know, if I was with the right person and that was important to them, I definitely, you know, consider it and see what life looked like at that point, but I'm not, it's not like a must do. But you, so you're just kind of looking for companionship. Yeah, companionship, consistency, just someone to, someone that adds

value to my life. Okay, you want him to add value? Okay. And then what happened with that guy? Um, so a lot of back and forth still talking every day, but still not making any plans, despite him being so close. And, you know, the whole, if he wanted to, he would is in the back of my head. But then I'm like, well, you know, sometimes I want to and I don't. So, you know, how true is that yeah definitely a little rose-colored glasses there but and then what what what uh what thoughts or perspective did you have on the fact that him being that he was nine years younger and a just a 23 year old man yeah like i definitely i'm like well he's significantly younger he didn't have much dating experience had a really bad breakup with the only serious relationship he'd ever been in yeah so i'm like

trying to give him a little grace on that and like maybe he's just young and doesn't know how to navigate this but yeah got to a point where I'm like communication is basic like if you don't want to see me just I'm an adult you can tell me you don't want to see me yeah for sure I mean like listen I that's true it's also like it's an awkward conversation a lot of people who aren't 23 still aren't good at that I think it's just more even before it got to that point where his communication changed you know I think it was it's important like I guess my point is like you know so first you know when it comes to like your dating life right like we're learning a little bit about what you want for your yourself right

kids aren't really on the on the plan you're open to it fine whatever but that's not something that like you're it's not a big priority for you you are looking for like companionship you're not even that interested in getting married i guess you just want like some kind of life partner i think that's getting more and more common these days i do think i don't know i kind of feel like we need goals when it comes to anything in our life or a plan so to speak like you don't want to be so rigid when it comes your romantic life but like the kind of companionship you're describing is just kind of non-committal right and our present state of dating is if it's very non-committal landscape or you know i i guess what i'm saying is i still think you need to be more intentional

i guess with the type of person you are looking to date right yeah if you want if if all you're looking for right if what you're saying is like i just i just want someone around from time to time. The way you're operating right now, it seems like is a good plan. If the person who you have companionship with doesn't really matter, so to speak. Okay.

Honestly, like for some people in various stages of their life, this might work out, but like, or it might be just exactly what they're looking for. But what I mean by, it's just like, one of the six years is a long time. But like the way you're going about it now, It's kind of like it would, it's setting you up to like have a four-monthling here, a six-monthling there, hang out with someone, get to know them, have a bit of fun. It's kind of casual.

I think we are all lacking a sense of commitment. I mean, at some point, this laissez-faire attitude that I think we have all come to accept when it comes to dating, I don't know if it's like a chicken before the egg situation. Like are all of us saying to ourselves, oh, I'm not looking, you know, whatever, I'm just, I'm not looking for anything that serious and I'm pretty chill and I don't, I'm not, I don't really care about labels. Is that how we really feel or are we saying that to ourselves because that's the landscape that we think is in existence and we're just trying to be chill, uh, within the landscape that we're operating. If you meet a guy, forget doing out that this guy was 23 or whatever, but like, like, like, if you meet a guy and right off the bat you're just like setting the expectation like i'm not really looking for anything that serious uh let's just take it slow i don't like labels you know listen if it's convenient for you and if it's convenient for me we'll hang out you know and we'll have a good time like if if that's the expectation you're setting with a guy you're dating you're you're just gonna you're setting yourself up for disappointment yeah um and same way with if if a guy said that to a girl

You know, it's just like you're just giving that person permission to not really invest in you or this, you know, like at some point we, we've become so afraid of rejection, of losing something we care about that we pretend or act so noncommittal. That definitely makes sense. And that's not sending us up to get anything that we want, right? That's setting us up to date a guy who claims to be separated from his wife for six years, you know, It's just like you're being way too chill for your own good is kind of how I see it, right? It's just, you want to date a 23 year old guy, nine years younger than you, go have fun, right? Like, you got to be realistic and then be surprised, right? When I met Natalie, I unfairly had some, I guess, assumptions about her, her maturity level, our compatibility, et cetera, et cetera.

I was proven wrong, right? But I at least went in with a like more realistic, you know, I'd rather be proven wrong than assume that like, oh my God, she's different than everybody else. Like she's so much different, you know, like, right? Like, be surprised, right? But like, you need to kind of go in more realistic about the people you're dating. If a man tells you that he's separated from his wife and it's complicated, but he still lives with his wife and he has kids, he's probably not actually separated,

especially like if there's no movement, right? Yeah. When you mean a 23-year-old guy? I just assumed that he's probably not, you know, he lacks the dating, you know, almost certainly based off of time, you know, there's a good chance he doesn't have the dating experience that you have. It could be, that might not be entirely true, but like, it's a good chance maybe not. You can make certain, you make, you make certain guesses and assumptions and then be proven wrong rather than being so chill about like not wanting to like, oh, you know, some people were like, well, I do, you know, I just want to get to know people first. I don't want to make any assumptions. I don't want to project any like of my past, you know, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, all well and good, but that's also like being a little delusional and a little naive, right? Like part of the benefit of experiencing life and getting older is that we learn some lessons, often tough lessons about how people treat us, how people react to certain situations. We get better at reading people. We get better at reading situations.

And sure, sometimes that comes with a level of assumption and being wrong about people. but like we have to learn from our previous interactions and mistakes like you we can't be so naive that we're just like well i don't want to you know i know this happened to me in the past but that doesn't dictate the future i mean that there's some level of truth to that but let's not be so delusional about like how things have a history of repeating themselves and and people aren't that complicated and usually people like will have patterns from you know we can learn things from our previous interactions to protect us for from future ones, right? If you first called in saying, you're falling for men who are bad communicators. Well, one, like, one, the first guy you described was probably married. The second one is nine years younger than you.

Uh, and was coming off a bad breakup of limited dating experience. And the communication you were having with him, while it sounds like you guys were talking and enjoying it and know each other, there were really no expectations. It was, the expectations was, I'm chill,

you're chill. We owe each other nothing. every day like that's it well if that's the activity you know then you're setting yourself up for these situations does that make sense right yeah yeah definitely makes sense you know if you if you meet a guy and you like them then you're going to have to put yourself out there a little bit you know at the risk of being rejected right and it did get to that point where I wanted to talk to him about you know hey we've been hanging out for a little bit I enjoy being around you I'm not talking to other people. I'm not really interested in talking to other people, but I wanted to have that

conversation in person. Yeah. And then that just never happened. I think people should start having that conversation before they have sex, you know? Yeah. There's that. Yep. I know that often doesn't happen. And it's hard to do in today's dating climate. But especially from a women's perspective, you have a lot more power in that conversation if you have that before you guys are intimate rather than after you're intimate. You know, there's that emotion. You know, there's that emotional attachment women often not always have to sex that men don't experience right so like it might you might be feeling a certain way simply because he had sex with him not because you actually like him and he might be feeling a certain way simply because he had sex with you and maybe

he likes him more than he realizes but it's just like you know also like you know did you get your opinion did you get did you ever did you guys talk about your age difference at all we did at the start um and we both said you know it didn't bother either one of us i i've always kind of been like an age just a number as long as we click, like, personality-wise, values, things like that. And we're at a relatively similar, like, goal-minded. Yeah. Otherwise, it's not a huge deal for me. So other than these two guys, are there other people you've been talking to that are-

Yeah. So when this kind of all stopped, I went pretty dating heavy and was just like, let me go out with as many people, like, see who's out there, see what happens. Let me just, you know, try to get past this one, have some fun. met up with someone that was just in town for the night. So, you know, the expectation was that it was just a hookup just for fun. Had a good night. Said, you know, get home safe. Maybe we'll talk. Maybe we won't. Whatever happens, happens. Not really expecting anything. Chatted a little bit here and there after for a couple weeks, but nothing of substance didn't have any thoughts of it going

anywhere. And then he had asked one day, you know, have you been with anyone else since you were with me? And this was a few weeks later. And I was honest. I'm like, yeah, you know, I'm dating. I've, been out with people and he freaked out he's like well I was really into you I wanted to see if this would go somewhere when there was no the guy you had never any talk of that one night stand with essentially yeah okay so then I'm like okay someone else that like can't communicate because we communicated the expectation was like it was a hookup and all of a sudden you're you know mad that I've been moving as a single girl does yeah um saying that you were into me you thought it would go somewhere like where did that come from and they did this stop you you know he was like done

because you hooked up. Yeah, he was done. He's like, I, you know, if you're talking to other people and if you're with other people, I want nothing to do with this. I'm like, well, okay, that's, that's you're right. It doesn't make any sense, but you know, you do you. Well, I mean, listen, like one, I think in general, as a society, we've become worse communicators, right? Like social media texting, all these, all these alternatives to a face-to-face conversation have made us poor communicators. It is just easier to send a text and, or just avoid communicating. so there's that right and then I think also men generally are worse at communicating than women I think that's a generalization that's somewhat safe to make but still a generalization so yeah and then I think you particularly from what I'm picking up on is that like you um you're being a little too chill in understanding even for yourself where it's just like I could just picture you you meet a guy again you're just like hey I'm whatever happens happens I get how this decision-making tree or lifestyle is exciting, right? Because if you're really good at, you know, initially in a dating situation,

being very chill and very casual and very like, you know, I don't know, I don't really know this guy, just very pragmatic, right? And like, I don't know, like, I want to have sex tonight, great. Like, you, you, I love that you made that decision based on the fact that you just want to have fun tonight. You're not going to, you're not over thinking it. But if you get really good at that, when these people follow up with like, oh, like, I want to, it gets, it's kind of exciting, you know, it's like, oh, well, I guess

there is something here or, or, you know, and that's fun, but I think that can be a little dangerous to always be excited about someone who surprises you, right? Like, if you're so good at not having any expectations of any dating situation, when someone surprises you with an expectation they have, there's like, oh, my, oh, okay, well, I guess you did miss me. Okay, okay, I guess you, that, sure. And that is fun, but right, you get so. good at that, I think you're setting yourself up to get hurt often, right? Because you're kind of convincing yourself you don't care. You convince yourself. You don't care. It's super casual. Someone surprised and says, hey, I want to hang out. Actually, I want to hang out with you. Oh,

then you have fun. You go on a date. Oh, actually, I want to hang out with you again. Oh, okay, cool. And then all of a sudden, you're like, oh, fuck, I like this guy. You know? Because then you hooked up and you're just like, you keep telling yourself, it's casual. You keep telling yourself, it's casual. And then one day you realize it's not casual for me. Right? And I, and I, I think we, including you, have to get a little better at saying there's that fine line between being realistic that, all right, because like, you know, the opposite of you, right, is someone who's called in before and meet someone and says something like, you know, I went out with this person and we had this amazing first date. And, and then, okay, I was, I wanted to be chill. And then

we went on a second date two days later. And it was also amazing. And I just like, I really like this guy. And it's just like, well, you had two good dates. Like, you know, and they just from that point on decide they like this guy. Like that, that's the opposite end of the spectrum for you, right? And they've convinced themselves they're into this guy. They barely know. And then start like obsessively pursuing a relationship to someone that they barely know, right? And they have all these, they have too many expectations. And they're not as open to just learning about people and, you know, and then they convince ourselves that they like someone more than they actually maybe do and they're not open to just like getting to know someone. And then you're on the other ad being like, I got no expectations. I'm going to

pretend I don't like this guy. Sure, we had two two good dates, but like whatever, just being kind of so overly pragmatic and a little cynical about dating and dismissing the fact that like you're human being and you can develop feelings. You know what I'm saying? I think you got to find that balance. Yeah. And that's, I guess, what I need the most help with is finding that balance. Three weeks go, I did have a really good first date with someone. He's since, he's been sent out of state for work, so I haven't seen him since. But we've been, you know, checking in once a day or so, like, how's your day? Things like that. I want to make plans when I get back kind of thing. And I do want to see him again. But I don't know, like, where is that fine line of the communication

where I don't want to be overly communicating, but I don't want to be, like, as chill as I have been. Hard for me to say. I think you just kind of have to find it. You have to be willing to swing and miss. You have to be willing. Everyone's different, too. You know what I'm saying? Like, I don't know if you're watching Bachelor in Paradise. But Brian on Bratter and Paradise doesn't like want to be complimented. You know, he doesn't want to talk about his colors. You know, I don't know. It sounds weird to me. But like, you know, I think there's a lot of everyone's different, right? So I know that's like maybe a confusing answer, but you got to find what you're comfortable with. What matters to you?

Like, what do you, what kind of form of communication do you like? You know what I'm saying? early on when you like a guy what's too much for you and what's not enough uh rani woo was a a guess we had a long time ago i've brought this up multiple times because what and he's uh i think it was a former psychologist he had a bit of advice and i it was really stuck with me and it's just like act as if right like you dictate the terms of communication too many people will play the game of like well i'm not going to call for i don't want to seem too eager i'll wait three the like i'll wait three days respond or I'll do this or whatever and it's just like all right if that's the type of pattern that you want then do that but if you like someone who responds quickly then respond quickly

right and if that if that gives them the ick if that you know then you're already like you don't want any part of that person you know if but if you're all right they text me i'm gonna i'm gonna go and text them back you know maybe short of like looking like you're living on your phone and maybe let it breathe for like 30 minutes But like normal communication, if that's how you like to communicate with people, that's how you should communicate with people. See if they respond in kind, you know, you can start there. Don't try to convince yourself that you don't like someone or that you, it's, it's, you know,

that you need to be more chill. Like, when you have to convince yourself, like, well, I don't want to sound crazy. Like, what does that mean? Like, are you doing something crazy? You know, too many, especially women, I think too many women worry about sounding crazy. or acting crazy to a guy when it's just normal behavior. And if a guy,

you know, if you're going to date a Brian from Bachelor in Paradise, you're not crazy. He's just a dick, you know? Or he's this kind of emotionally kind of reactive

and that's not the type of guy you want to fuck with. You know, someone who's just like very prickly with their emotions and feelings, you know, but you have to be willing

to be rejected. You know, the problem, the difficult part of being someone who's confident in what they want, someone who's confident in the expectations they have and confident in sending boundaries

is that like you learn pretty quickly all the people who like don't want to fuck with your terms right that's why people are often people pleasers right because they don't want to find out what it's like for someone to be like I don't want to do that you know I don't like that's not for me the people pleaser isn't worried about what they want or what they need they're just like they're here what do you want what do you want how can I make you happy what what do you like you know and there's a balance there but like that's also just a recipe for just chasing people so like you have to find that balance of being okay with someone just not fucking with how you fuck with you know or how you communicate but like stop trying to figure out

them figure out what you want first and then just do that and see who's down so to speak yeah you know and every situation's different you know if there's a guy you've been hanging out with I've enjoyed hanging out with you. Do you want to get together again if you want to hang out with them again? If this is someone you start liking and you see potential with before you get physical, I would definitely have the, hey, I don't want to see anyone else but you, conversation before you actually get physical. I would try that out for size.

Also, but if you're just a woman who just wants to like enjoy hookup culture while you're a single woman, go ahead and do that knowing that like you're just having. And then if it happens to be a guy you end up liking, then you're likeing, then you'll have to just deal with that, right? Knowing that, like, that might complicate the situation. But ultimately, if they really like you, then, you know, it hopefully won't change anything. Okay. Is there?

So with the first one, the younger one, I did at one point say, like, here's what I want. And he's like, yeah, I do too. So he was, like, saying all the right things, even though the actions weren't adding up. I mean, you're going to deal with that. Because I said straight out, like, if you want to see, like, if you're seeing other people, if you don't want to see me, like, that's fine. and just tell me, I'd rather, like, know the truth. So I said, like, just let me know.

Like, I can take rejection, but it took a long time to get to that point where he was finally honest with it. So, like, how do I let people know? Like, it's, like, reject me. It's fine. I'd rather just be rejected and move on than, like. Yeah, but you're not, that's not very realistic, you know. Yeah.

What's more realistic is you said to this 23-year-old man at some point, listen, if you're not feeling this list, let me know. And in that moment, maybe he just wasn't sure. Maybe it was like, I don't know, she is cool and I enjoy hanging out with her and it's good sex and, you know, she's older and she seems to know what she wants. And I actually like the fact that, you know, I like her maturity and things like that. I don't know. I'm not really sure. And then two weeks go by. We goes out with his boys, right? Like he meets someone who wasn't in his life a week ago. And now that changes the equation. Like when you, again, that's kind of my point. It's like when everything's so casual, everyone has the opportunity to. to level up, you know, from their perspective, to trade up, to be like, oh, well, I mean, I don't know, sure. When they go out with their guys or they go with their girls, they can keep their eyes open.

They can flirt. They can, you know, I remember, like, when Nali and I finally became boyfriend and girlfriend, like, that was my first, like, that was the first time in a long time, I called some of my girlfriend. And it was like, oh, oh, I have a girlfriend now, you know, I had to quickly, you know, again, I was single for years, years. I had a lot of women friends, you know, like, not that, but like, it was always flirtatious and friendly and just like, I, I didn't ever have to worry about that. Like, I didn't have to hold myself accountable to, like, having that mentality and that mentality to always, that I was always kind of available, that wherever, whatever event I went to, whatever party I went to, if I met a beautiful woman, I, like, I could always, I was always in like single nick mode and I could be a little flirtatious. I could be a little, like, if nothing, else, I could see if, you know, she would flirt with me so I could, you know, my ego would

get boosted. And then all of a sudden, you get a girlfriend, right? And that should change your thought process. It's like, well, I'm not, I should I be flirting now. Like, you know, if, if my women friends who are comfortable to just be more casual and flirty with me, I have to shut that down. I have to be different. Right. So like, I had different expectations of myself. And that, that mentality kind of matters, right? We need. We need to be, to pursue something with someone, we need some roadblocks, right? And if we're always these free agents that like we, anytime we go out, there's the possibility of liking someone else, that makes it really hard to ever really commit to

anything. And then you add it into the fact that he's 23 year old man, he's relatively early in his relationship, you know, that that's, that's why sometimes you just have to like, and with this guy, you know, after like four or five dates or hooked. up you could have been like listen I really like you and like I you know if you want to keep doing this I don't want to hang out with it like I want to see what this goes and he can say no right but that's different than being like I really like you I just want you to know that I don't want it to change anything no labels we're definitely still not dating but I just just so you know I do like you and if you feel

the same or you don't feel the same let me know it's too casual like there's no definitely what I did yeah right like so what do you say to that person who says it to you're like oh yeah I mean I yeah I don't know I like you too sure like but yeah yeah we're not boyfriend and girlfriend I am going out with the guy tonight he's he probably wouldn't say that but in his head he's like well I'm I can still flirt I guess I can even still have sex with other women and it's just like no I like you sure like yeah why why would he say anything different right yeah now that makes sense you know until he meets someone different or you know and and and and meet someone who's like I kind of want to fuck with her more now I guess you know you have to find out who's willing to

change for you you know like again when now i became my girlfriend part of the equation of like finally for the first time in years saying i'm going to make this person my girlfriend and i'm going to see where it goes part of that was saying for the first time in years to like women in my life to be like i have a girlfriend now like i things are different i couldn't just like have women friends over at my house to hang out and shoot the shit you know like it was i had a girlfriend now like i had to change the calculus and part of that was like well i must really like this girl i want to do this for her i want to see where this goes you know like i want to invest in this person in this relationship to invest in things means you have to like prioritize it and give it time and maybe make some

sacrifices and say no other things maybe not make investments in other places in your life right that all makes sense yeah no it definitely makes sense yeah and i think i definitely need to solidify, like, more what I want and not be quite as chill. You know, I think you're doing a great job because, like, I think you have a nice outlook on dating. You have to be willing to take at bats, right? Like, you, you know, so you just, you know, so you just, you just have to make small tweak, which is have a little bit more expectations of yourself.

And just know that, like, again, you're going to, you're going to have a lot of swings and misses. And by swings and misses, I just mean, like, they like you, you don't like them, vice versa. Like, again, like, it's not just you. It's everyone, right? it's dating climate in general it's just kind of a mess everyone is like this you have to put yourself out there if everyone's is so fucking casual about dating then nothing really gets done right and that's when you end up dating people for years without any real like commitment or expectation

and you have to be okay with telling yourself fuck it i can't i think i kind of like this guy and i want to see where it goes i'm not obsessed with him he might not like me i'll get over it if i get rejected but like yeah i want to see where this goes you know and i'm gonna i'm gonna put myself out there and just yeah try not to get fatigued if when you do feel fatigue take breaks if it feels like you've been more you know it's like i can't take another rejection uh that happens to all of us you know um but yeah is that helpful yeah no that's definitely super helpful okay it's a good perspective because you know my friends they have the bias of they're my friend and they go off just what I tell them and I get some solid advice, but don't always listen.

What are they telling? And honestly, it depends on the friend. I've got some friends that are like brutal truth and they're like, you know, you need to stand up for what you think you want and deserve. And if the communication's inconsistent or whatever, like don't put up with that. I would agree. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, that's great advice from your friend, which is like just the more you're willing to put up with, the more people will take, right? And you just have to be willing to say, I'm not. down for that at the risk of not hearing from them again but at least you're not wasting your time the fact that you fucked with a married man for six years and pretended to tell yourself that he was separated is definitely a red flag that you are good at talking yourself out of things or into things that you're kind of good at lying to yourself about how you feel about situations and i think that's something yeah you should really be mindful of is the check in with yourself about how are you feeling about this situation or this person and just be brutally honest with yourself you like them you don't like them there's no wrong answer and then once you're honest with yourself then be honest with them about what you want to pursue right and and just be open to be that person who really says i can handle rejection that's great that's great quality to have and then just you know you'll save just a lot of time

more than anything you're just wasting your own time not really getting to the point sooner and being a little too casual for your own sake yeah that's awesome yeah And then the guy who, like, you had a one-night stand with who decided he'd be a little, well, I don't know. Like, that's, that just sounds like maybe kind of a weird, kind of slightly possessive. And again, not, not, not, I don't know, but like, why did he think that? I don't know. Like, that's kind of an odd. Yeah, it was just out of nowhere.

And I'm like, all right, here we go again with the weird communication. A little slut shamy kind of just like, well, what did you, why did you, like, what do you mean? Like, weird, you know, but again, like, that's not really rejection that you don't confuse men revealing who they are. with you being rejected. Even if it feels like you're being rejected, you know, like in their rejecting you, they're also showing you

their emotional immaturity or their reactiveness. And even though it includes them rejecting you, don't let your ego take over and ignore like all the things about like, I don't, those guys being fucking weird. I don't like,

thanks for rejecting me. But like, I, what are you, what the fuck are you talking about? Like we, you know what I'm saying like so just be careful you're you're seeing more and more young emotionally immature men and I think they're getting you know good at yeah when they feel emotionally hurt you know hurt people hurt people they want to they'll make you feel rejected by expressing their

hurt all right well hopefully this was helpful yeah no this is definitely helpful and I'm excited to apply some of this and it sounds like you're doing a pretty good job like you're open to dating you're getting out there just be a little more honest with yourself take breaks when you need it and expect more from the people from the situations you're getting in a little quicker all right all right sounds good all right take care this is an ad by better help well we've talked about better help because it works and if you are someone who has ever considered therapy check out better help we certainly know that therapy can't be difficult or just a little intimidating to get into you can do better help from anywhere all you need

internet connection and a device, and you could be talking to a mental health professional in no time. It's incredibly convenient, and certainly finding the right therapist is probably the most important part when it comes to successful therapy. Well, the good news is, is better help is working with over 30,000 therapists, and you have the ability to switch therapists every time for free until you land on a therapist that you feel like you're benefiting from. So whether you have just general anxiety, stress, relationship problems, money problems, work problems, Certainly we know that work can be one of the number one causes of stress and anxiety out there today. Get it off your chest with BetterHelp.

As the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of expertise. Talk it out with BetterHelp. Our listeners get 10% off their first month at BetterHelp.com slash V-I-A-L-L. That's BetterHelp, H-E-LP.com slash V-A-L-L-L. From emails to reports and project proposals, it's more challenging than ever to the demands of today's competing priorities without some help. Grammarly is the essential AI communication assistant that boost productivity so you can get more of what you need done faster no matter

what or where you're writing. Take it for me. If you have a team of employees, you want to make sure that they are spending time being creative, doing what you paid them for, doing what they went to school for. It's not to constantly prove read or make sure their emails and their proper tone. let the technology at Gramerly save your team a ton of time. 90% of professionals say Gramerly has saved them time, writing and editing there where Grammally sets the standards for responsible AI you can trust. AI powered tone features, help you communicate confidently. A few clicks can tailor your tone and writing to your audience so you come across exactly

as you intend. Write and edit quickly with context-aware suggestions everywhere you write. 93% of professionals report that Gramerley helps them get more work done. You deserve to be equipped with the best tools to do your job. with the right AI support. Let Gramerly take the busy work off your place so you can focus on high-impact work. Download Grammally for free at grammerly.com slash podcast.

That's gramirely.com slash podcast. How's it going? Good. My name is Haley. I'm 26. And my mother-in-law has turned into a monster during my pregnancy and I need help. How is she turned into a monster? So my husband, a little back,

story is an only child and so everyone has that like oh my god the only child they have like a certain like view about them i've never had a problem with my mother-in-law we've had a great relationship and then like all of a sudden when i got pregnant she like has made my pregnancy about her oh so like we found out pretty early like right at four weeks that i was pregnant i told them around six-ish just because like I was telling my family I'm really close to them and I knew like it was important to him to tell his parents so I was like yeah sure well immediately they live eight hours away from us and so immediately we were going to town and she was like I booked a photo shoot I don't even have an ultrasound at this point I'm like six weeks she

booked a photo shoot for who me and my husband and her and her husband like a family photo shoot Yeah. So I told my husband, like, I, these are not going to be my announcement pictures. Like, this is kind of crazy. Like, we don't even know that everything's okay. We haven't even had our first appointment. And so he tells her that. And she was like, oh, no, no, like, just a family photo shoot just for memories. Okay. So I feel kind of like a little weird about it. So I was like, um, okay. So we go. And she has like, why'd you go? I, okay, so I'm going to be totally at front with you. I am a complete, like, people pleaser. And that's the problem number one. I can already tell you. And I just felt like, guilted into it. And I was like, well, if, like, this isn't going to be my announcement pictures and if it'll make her happy, like, whatever. So I went, like, we go. We were going to town anyways. And we show up to meet them. And she has, like, made t-shirts for herself and her husband that say, promoting. to grandparents. Like, so she's turned it into like an announcement type thing. And so I'm there. I'm already there. And I'm like, what is this?

Like, completely thrown off guard. Fast forward a few weeks. Uh, we had to go back to town for like a family get together. And she told my husband, I made an appointment at one of those, have you ever heard of those like boutique, like ultrasound places where you can go like get the 3D, 40 type ultrasound? We just call them doctor's offices. LA but well no so I don't I this may just be a southern thing yeah because you know like you only

get so many throughout pregnancy and I guess people are really obsessed with like going I guess so they have these places or if you have extra cash you can no sure okay yeah yeah like like cash only type thing she told my husband so I booked an appointment for this 3D ultrasound for us to go to like like in like in seven months or or no like that week. 3D, it's the size of a peak, not even. I mean, what are you, where you're sticking? At this point, I'm like 14, 15 weeks, but yeah, it's literally still tiny.

It just now has, like, limbs and fingers. All right. So, listen, I'm sure you have more of these stories. Are any of these stories beyond, like, grandma getting a little too excited and a little too, yeah, just a little too excited about being a first time grandma? The most recent thing, I, like, recently posted that I was pregnant and I chose the picture that I wanted, tagged my husband. Well, she, like, made her own post and, like, made it about her being a grandma. And after, like, everything that's built up...

Oh, well, hold on, time out, time out, time out, time out, time out, time out, time out, time out, time out, time out, time out, time out, time out, when you say she made her own post, she posted on her Facebook or Instagram or something. Yes. Okay, right? Yes. What's wrong with that? She, so those pictures, the original pictures with her. her in the shirt, the promoted to grandparents. I, like, I really didn't want those posted.

And, like, also I... You didn't want what posted? Those specific pictures, because, like, I was sick. I looked, like, I had, like, I don't know about you when you were... You didn't like how you looked in the pictures. No, I didn't like how I looked in the pictures. And I think for me, like, I'm very... I'm a private person, and so I don't post a lot on social media.

And so I kind of just wanted to put, like, this single picture. and like that just be it and not like all these other things and plus like we didn't want the gender or like the name or anything posted on social media like only like my parents and his parents know that and she like some of the posts like insinuated like what the gender was and so now people are like I don't know what she didn't tag me in it which is fine but all right so have you had any conversations with your mom in law no so I felt a upset about it and just it's uncomfortable so I told my husband like hey like this is your mom like I feel like if it was like vice versa like I would confront my mom if you were uncomfortable about

something and like I feel like it should be your place to be like hey like didn't really love that like kind of as a not just like are you telling your husband being hormonal no yeah but are you how are you telling your husband after the fact or yeah like after it happened I and but it was right after. Yeah, but the fellow because I didn't, yeah. But he didn't know or care and he's just like, he's not,

I think you just have to, listen, I get why you're frustrated. But you, well, and grandma's just excited, all right, just a little annoying.

She's excited. She's not, she's not a criminal. She's just, like, older and doesn't, I don't know, she's just never been a grandma before.

I, fuck. I agree with you that overall, like, definitely your husband's responsibility to, like, set expectations with his parents

and it's your responsibility to kind of set expectations with your parents and I think you and your husband can do probably a better job of like, I don't know, how do you guys want to go about this pregnancy, right?

Like, to certain things, right? Do we want to find out the gender? Yes, no, okay, fine. Do we want to tell anyone including our parents the gender? Yes, no, okay, fine. If we tell anyone the gender, what rules do we make it very clear

of the people we trust? Hey, we're not fucking telling anyone. Like, this is very important to us. I don't want to see anything online. I don't want to do the, do that do you want to go about this pregnancy. It starts with the conversations about you and your husband. What are we going to do as a couple? Like, and again, I hope that your husband is a little bit of like, all right, you're pregnant. How can I make your life easier? I don't care what you want, but what do you want? I just want you to be stress free. I want you to be chill. Put that on me. I hope your husband's giving you a little

bit of that energy, right? But it starts with you guys. Right. And you guys very much have to be a team, right and then when our and then when your parents kind of get weird or they kind of you know you just you got to tell them right but they don't know like they're just they're just kind of being kind of weird and excited and and she made some t-shirts and she's i don't know she's just getting a little carried away and no one's really telling her she doesn't know any better and you're kind of getting mad at her and it's just like she posts like first like i understand that you don't want pictures that you don't feel like you look good in but like it is her post right so to speak right so and you're like

you're not an influencer and it's not like you're like so you're kind of giving like influencer vibes where you're like that's not for your picture to post and it's like you know it's just like I don't know she's a grandma you know if you again if you didn't want any other pictures online that's fine but you you and your husband need to talk about that first and then you need to communicate that to everyone else they don't know you have the right to handle this pregnancy however you want you can be as ridiculous as you want you can be as rigid as you want but you have to figure at what you can't decide after it happens yeah you can't be like oh well i didn't know i didn't want you posting pictures i didn't think to tell you that because i didn't think you would be weird

that's that's kind of how you're going about it now yeah well no i respect your opinion and see like i've like my sister and i obviously have similar views and so when we've talked about it she's like yeah that's not okay so she's like in my ear hyping me up and i'm like yeah you know what that's not okay, but so, I mean, it's, it's not okay for you, you know, it's not okay for your sister. And, and, and again, you're the pregnant person here. So, like, you have every right to decide what is and isn't okay. But people can't, they can't guess, you know, and every, every family's different. People are, this is, this is a special moment for a lot of people involved, certainly more, most special to you and your husband, but certainly as grandparents, this is a lifelong dream.

you know um and this is how they're celebrating it and they don't know any better and they don't they don't know what you want or don't want but i guess like moving forward like because i'm not going to be like tell her to delete those pictures right now like it's already like people have already seen it's done you know it is what it is but like i made a comment and i was like hey so like moving forward i feel like we should like set some boundaries and he was like well i just all he thought about and I know like I have had these things building up to where I'm like and she's done this and she's done this and she's done this and all he is seeing is like all she did was post pictures like I don't see the problem and so I obviously am a little more hormonal right now

and not to blame it on that and like minimize myself but so I'm like you're not understanding me or like you're not like validating me and so then we're kind of at like a crossroads right now where I he's misunderstanding like how we should handle it going forward like with both of our parents well how do you want to oh and that's the thing my point is i think as the pregnant person in the story you get to do whatever the fuck you want this is you got nine months to just blame it on hormones fuck it you know you you you know the world is asking a lot of you in your body and you are sacrificing so much for the life of this child and for her to be for for mother-in-law to be a grandma and your husband to be a father it's you get spoil yourself you know you get to do it the fuck

you want but you do have to communicate it right and you know more than anything i would just love for you and your husband to sit down and just say listen whether it's hormones or what i don't know but like can we just do this is us this is about us we are the only people that matters in our baby and in our stress levels and i i want him to only care about one thing is my wife stressed or is not stressed? How is she stressed? Doesn't really matter. Stress is the enemy. And if you are causing stress, you're the enemy, so to speak, you know, including mother-in-laws. And I want him to have that energy. And I hope that you can just sit him down and be like, this, just help me out here. But you have to help him help you, right? And, and can we, and call me crazy. Maybe I'm hormonal, whatever,

but like I just don't want to worry about this shit. So can, what do we want as a couple? How do we want to handle our pregnancy? What do we want a baby shower? Do we not want a baby shower? Who do we want to throw the baby shower? Do we want 17 baby showers? I don't know.

Do we want no baby showers? Decide these things. There's no wrong answer. If you want grandma to abide by some of your, just let her know. Just listen, we just, we want to keep it. Please, can you just respect? And that's, he, he should communicate that. And he doesn't have to agree with you, but he needs to have your back.

And you can blame it on the fact that, like, this is, this is what we want. Because at the end of the day, we just don't want her stressed out. It doesn't matter why she's stressed out. She's stressed out. So don't stress her out. See, I know. And I think I'm having a hard time with that because I am the most, like, non-confrontational, like, people-pleasing person.

So then when I am, like, obviously being a bitch, I'm like. You're not being a bitch. Like, you're not. You're just like, you know, you're not being a bitch. But you, you're allowed to whatever you want, man. Just like. Yeah. spoil yourself but don't let what what you're doing you're doing the thing that's the

worst which is like you're not communicating what you want and then you're reacting to how people are doing things and you're letting that bother you and they're just kind of they're doing their thing she's like I'm posting a picture I'm like an excited grandma I made stupid t-shirts whatever yeah I mean like she booked a ultrasound which is a little ridiculous and the fact that she just assumed that you would show up for a doctor's appointment that you didn't have to go to is, yeah, that's a little nutty.

But that's also, you can just chalk it up for excitement. And again, don't go. Don't go to things you don't want to go to. And it's, your husband's job to be like, to tell, to communicate that. I want, I want him to be like, all right, we're not going to this.

I'll just, I'll tell her, you know, whatever, don't worry about, don't worry about, I got it. We're like, yeah, we're not, she's not enough for a photo. I think photos shoots are, like, but you don't, later. Well, and like, I'm like, I'm not even really showing yet.

So what's the photo? She's just excited. She's just excited. I know. I just, I think I obviously am more, like, anxious because I'm like, oh, well, because I, like, we've never had conflict with her. And so I've never, there's never been a reason for, like, my husband to, like, have to, like, stand up to her. But I think I'm just, like, anxious, like, going forward, like, if there were something. I was like, hey, like, we're, we don't want to do that.

But here's the thing. Wouldn't stand up for me. Here's the thing. In the next nine months from plus or whatever, even after the baby shows up, you don't need a reason. That's kind of the beauty of it. I don't want to do it. I guess I just haven't. Why?

Because I don't feel like it. I'm tired. I'm growing a child. I don't want to do it. I don't have a reason. That's too much energy to come up with a reason. I'm too fucking tired. I'm pregnant.

you know like that's that's that's all you need all right so just like just tell them what you want and just yes i'm i think to communicate that to your husband to say listen i you know all i care about right now is us and could you just help i want to make sure we have a little bit of stress and every once in a while over the next nine months i'm gonna at i'm gonna want to do things and i'm gonna not want to do things and i can you just have my back whether you agree with it or not just be my emotional like that's your husband's job is to be your emotional filter from from the outside world he's the one who's like i don't i don't she's pregnant leave her alone we don't want to do it i don't care you know and then when it comes to his mom his mom's excited and i'm

hoping and assuming that she just needs to be like hey she's not right now chill out mom yeah you're being a little much mom he doesn't have to like put her on her place he just needs it okay You just have to, you have to get good at saying, I don't feel like doing that. Yeah, that's a big problem is I let people, like, I have always been like this. I will talk my shit and I'm like, and I would never do that. But then the second it happens, I'm like, yes, of course, anything for anybody, because I'm such a people pleaser. You're pregnant. You're just, see.

I appreciate your stance, though, because I know, like, for me right now, I'm like, and someone needs to say something to her. like how dare she and I obviously my sister is going to be like yeah exactly put her in her place but like it's really good to hear like your side of it well she has no yeah there's no place for her to put in she's this like cited grandma he doesn't know any better and she's just annoying you a little bit yeah and then all you have perspective all you have to do is say no yeah like you don't even know if she's going to react. You know what I'm saying? I know.

For all you know, she might be like, yeah, I guess that was a little nuts. End of story. Oh, yeah. Like,

I don't, I'm too tired to go to a, I know, I'm too tired to go to a doctor. I don't want to go to a photo show. I'm tired. I don't want to do it. That's all you got to practice.

And if, because in my head, I like, obviously I get like a one track mind and I'm like, and she's doing this and she's doing this. And she's trying to take over my pregnancy. And,

Like, that's why, like, when I wrote in, I'm like, and she's a monster. Like, I get so, like, one-track-minded that it's all I think about, which obviously, like, I am very hormonal right now. So it is all I've been thinking about. Yeah. But, yeah. You got one job. And that is to, like, take care of your body. Take care of your emotional stress.

Like, minimize your stress. That's. Yeah. Yeah, there's no reason for me to be stressed out about this. that's all you have to do is you can but you blame it you know if you need a reason is like stress is a terrible thing to have during pregnancy and you and you have that card to play for nine months don't stress me out i don't want to be stressed why i'm pregnant all right shut the fuck up that's that simple you get to be so unreasonable right now i mean don't don't don't don't like don't overplay

your hand like but you're not to be you know you can you know and you You have the benefit of not feeling guilty about it. No, that makes me feel a lot better. Because I think when I first brought it up to my husband and he was like, I don't really like understand where you're coming from, but okay. And so I was like, he doesn't understand me. Like, I'm just being crazy. And like, so then I got mad at him and he's completely like,

I don't understand what's going on. Like, there was just some pictures. Yeah. But if, like, if you want me to say something, like, okay. And I was like, well, it's already done. Listen, I think you're working through this. Is this your first pregnancy? Yes.

Yeah, so give yourself some grace. But I do think you and your husband should sit down and just talk about what you guys want of this pregnancy. How do you want? And be on the same page with him and just like and say the only thing I really need from you is and I'm just going to say thank you now because at times I might. ask things in the moment, probably don't make sense. I don't know.

I'm kind of going through a lot right now. I don't know how my body is going to feel tomorrow. Help me deal with my stress. And if I don't want to do something because, like, grandma or my parents are asking something, let's just have my back when I don't want to do something. Okay, yeah. And I don't.

That'll be, you know. Yeah. As long as he doesn't make you feel guilty, then that's fine. Yeah, no. He never, he very much is a, like, with the flow kind of person. So that's why, like, when his mom says stuff, he's like, oh, yeah, sure.

Like, she's just excited. And I, like, in the back of my mind, I'm like, what? Why would, why would you do that? But I don't say no. So then it's really my fault. You have to learn. That's not your fault.

But yeah, you say no. This is a great, this is a great opportunity for practice not being a people pleaser. If there's no better time. And I think, honestly, like, I have been anxious because, like, I know that obviously a different situation.

but like my mom had like a rough relationship with her mother-in-law because like she my grandma's very bossy and my mom was a people-pleaser and so she would get like have hard feelings toward her and she would never know so then I like start thinking and I'm like oh my gosh like I'm going to be 50 years old and still not like my mother-in-law when like this is the only problem I've ever felt like we've had a great relationship up until great I got pregnant. So I think I just have been like reading way too much into it. That's normal.

You're in the driver seat. And but not only forget about you being pregnant, but like your relationship with your mother-in-law. Say no when you want to say no. If you don't want to do something, don't do it. Try it out. See how mother-in-law responds. Don't have to make a whole meal out of it. Yeah.

No. I mean, what's the worst? What's the worst that could happen? They'll think I'm being a bitch. Like. You don't want to do it. Yeah. Well, that's great.

perspective because I obviously haven't had someone just have a different opinion than me so I feel like this really like brings my anxiety levels down because it's not like I need to be like delete pictures

and whatever no you just need to get better at just saying hey I don't could you you just not do that next time or or again like it's just like this is how we want to handle our pregnancy I mean who's going to be in the room with you I don't think I want anyone in the room with me.

Great. Get that out there fairly quickly. I have already said something because my older sister, like, she very much, like, wanted me in the room and wanted my mom in the room. So, like, I've already told them, which, like, my family is very understanding. And they know that I'm more, like, private and, like, to myself. So they already have been, like, we'll be around if you want us. But, like, we don't expect to be in the room. So. Perfect.

Love that. And that's this kind of thing, that's the general, the general energy. But like, and if it's not good, that's their problem. I don't know. I've been trying to, like, tell myself that, like, if they have a problem with how I feel, that's not my problem. You are, this is your family. Your husband, your child, you, you, you are creating a new family.

You know what I'm saying? You guys are starting new rules, right? Like, think about it, though. Like, when I was a kid, it was my parents' family, right? I had a lot of brothers and sisters, and my parents would host Christmas. and all the holidays and their siblings sometimes would or wouldn't show up or my grandparents would or wouldn't show up, you know, and things like that. But my parents created a family and the world revolved around their family, right? And then like, we're used to that growing up and like, you know,

but like, this is your family. You're starting new traditions and like maybe grandmas and grandmas show up or not, but like this is your family. So act accordingly. Make new rules. You know, like it's young, right? Because right now you're still like, you'll probably go to your parents' house for the holidays still and that's fine right but someday that's going to change you guys are going to be hosting the holidays it's going to be your family your rules how you guys do things it starts with conversations between you and your husband people will just get in line or they won't get in line or whatever like but it's your family and you're going to only want to spend time with your baby and your husband and like people are going to be wanting knocking on your

door to get that access so like again don't become like this monster dripping with power because it's your family and they everyone, but you know what I'm saying? Like, but you're, you got to see it that like, this is start creating a life for yourself. Start creating your rules with around your family and, and, and you dictate terms. And, you know, when are you do? December 29th. December 29th. Yes.

My point, example, exactly. You just be like, you know what, we're not going anywhere for Christmas. Leave us alone. I'm due. I'm like, fuck, you know, that's already my plan. You know what I'm saying? Like, you and your husband might have your first Christmas alone with each other, like, kind of nesting and getting ready for your child and things like that. And you might just be like, you're not invited.

Yeah. And we're not showing up. And that is okay because it's your family. Right. They, it's not their family anymore. I know. I think I really need to start becoming better at saying, I know, and not being so much of a people pleaser. and then I feel like the rest won't fall into the place.

They promise they'll live. They'll take what they can get. All right, you feel better? I do. I feel a lot better. Thank you. All right. Well, congratulations.

Enjoy, like, just no stress. Your only job is to not do what you don't want to do. That's literally your only job. Take care of yourself. Take care of your child. And don't do what you don't want to do. There's too many things you have to do that you have no choice because you're pregnant. So when it comes to things that you have the option to do or not do, don't fucking do what you don't want to do.

You're right. I'll be listening to that in the back of my head. All right. From here on out. All right. Take care. Okay. Well, thank you for having me on.

My pleasure. Thanks for the call. Thank you. All right. Bye-bye. Bye. Not too long ago, we went to Florida to hang out with our friends, Tate and Tyler. And we did a nice little workout via Tonal.

And I can tell you, it was incredible. You know me, I think going to the gym in spending money on a gym membership is all kinds of a big waste of your time. First of all, you know you're busy. You're too busy to pack a bag. Go to the gym. Change. Do a workout. Get bothered by people.

Let Tonel do that for you. It's a very sleek design. It fits any wall in your house. Tonel provides the convenience of a full gym and the guidance of a personal trainer anytime at home. With one sleek system, it's designed to reduce your mental load. Tonal is the ultimate strength training system helping you focus less on workout planning and more on getting results. I know my problem always was going to the gym and being like, am I, is my back right?

Is my, like, is my form right? I don't know what I'm doing. Am I getting the right workout in? But with Tonel, no more second guess in your form. Tonel gives you real time coaching cues to dial in your form and help you lift safely and effectively. Stop spending all kinds of money going to the gym or getting all kinds of equipment. man, Tonal truly is an all-in-one sleek at-home gym right inside your home. Take it for me,

someone who's done all kinds of exercising. I was back in a different life, a D-1 athlete. Tonal can give you an amazing workout. It's basically like a mirror on your wall. It looks gorge and it works gorge. So right now, Tonal is offering our listeners, $200 off your tonal purchase with promo code V-I-A-L. That's tonal.com and use promo code V-I-A-L for $200 off your purchase. That's tonal.com. promo code V-I-A-L for $200 off. Sundays for dogs. If you love your dogs, you want to make sure that you're feeding them high-quality ingredients so they can feel better, look better, have better poops and live longer. Sundays was co-founded by Dr. Torrey Waxman, a practicing veterinarian, who test and formulates

every version of each recipe. Sundays contains 100% all-natural meats and superfoods in 0% synthetic nutrients or artificial ingredients. You like good food, so why don't you give your dogs good food. Dog parents report noticeable health improvements in their pups, including softer fur, fresher breath, better poops, and more energy after switching to Sundays. Unlike other, fresh dog food, Sundays does not require refrigeration or preparation because of their air drying process, so you just pour and serve. When you start a Sunday subscription, you'll automatically get 20% off and free shipping on every reorder. You can cancel or pause your subscription anytime. With their 100% satisfaction guarantee, get 40% off your first order of Sundays.

go to sundays for dogs.com slash V-I-A-A-L or use code V-I-A-L at checkout. How's it going? Hi, Nick. My name is Veronica. I'm 32 years old. And I recently realized that in the face of tragedy, I have no friends. All right. Well, tell me, what do you mean in the face of tragedy?

And what do you mean by no friends? Without getting too deep into it, just this past January, I lost, My eight-year-old nephew do complications after a surgery. And it's been about six months now. But after that, like, I really just had nobody I thought who was like my friend, reach out, check in on me, say, hey, how are you doing? How's your family? Just really just have felt completely alone in this when I know I'm not alone. but it's just I don't have anybody other than like my family who's also going through it

to talk to about it okay and I'm feeling really hurt okay that makes sense so just kind of just recapping you had obviously and I'm very sorry for I mean it's devastating the worst truly devastating yeah and in that devastation over the past several months there are people in your life, you kind of assumed at some point would reach out or offer a shoulder to cry on or just a sounding board for you to vent. And that didn't really happen the way you kind of hoped or expected it would. And that makes you feel very lonely. I've always been the type of person who would reach out to my friends when something happens. I know something happened. Like one of my really close friends a few years back. Her brother-in-law passed away pretty suddenly, and I showed up for her.

I was there at, like, the viewing. I was there for, you know, I ran and got the dinner for the family after their, like, little funeral service and checked in on them months afterwards, just making sure that her husband was okay and she was okay it just really it was not reciprocated yeah in this event and it's just so you have at least one particular friend in mind that you were hoping to receive this i have two really close girlfriends yeah that i thought out of which even just like minor acquaintances who would read who i thought would be there and be understanding and have you communicated to like

catered this with those people just the I have it just because I am a people pleaser and I don't want my burdens to be placed on other people and I know that it's kind

of counterintuitive to expect people to be there but you're not asking people to be there because you don't want to burden them with your things going on in your life Well, what you're saying doesn't make sense. In a way, you do want to burden them.

I want... Well, you want them to step up. Yeah, right? Yeah, yeah. It's like when you, when the friend, whatever friend you talked about, right, that had the tragedy that you showed up for, I'm not saying it was a burden for you, for, you know, and I'm guessing you did it with love. The way in your mind is you went out of your way to show up for that person, right?

You went out of your way to go to a funeral or a wake or you took the time to listen to your friend when you, I guess, could have been doing something more fun, you know, or more enjoy. I was married with a child at the time, and I could have been home with my husband and my daughter. There you go, right? And so I guess what I'm saying is that, objectively speaking, there was a little bit of burden there that you took up, right? Yeah. Right. And which is part of the reason why, now that the rolls are reversed that you do want, you don't, you do want to burden them, so to speak, right? Like, it's weird saying it out loud, but I think sometimes we just have to acknowledge, you know, because you're, you're kind of taught, you're emotionally, you're kind of talking out both sides of your mouth and you're not doing anything about it. And then the only result is it makes you feel really shitty inside. It's like. Yeah, that's what I mean by it being like, counterintuitive like I want I want to have them to talk to but I know that by me not being like hey can you listen like it's not a fair thing to do yeah but I don't know because now that

it's been you know six months like it's too late to like bring it up and you're like hey in January like I really needed you when you weren't there well it's never too late I mean depending on assuming that you still want to be friends with these people Like, it's hard for me because my daughter was also my nephew who passed was they were best friends. So, like, I carry her burden and her grief. And obviously, it's my sister's son who passed away. I carry her burden.

I carry her grief as much as I can. We don't live super close to each other. What do you mean by carry? I just, you know, just really try to make sure that I'm there, especially for my daughter. she's only sick, I let her cry into me and I say, okay, like, give all of your, like, all your sadness to Mommy, like, Mommy will take care of it. But what, I guess what does that mean to you when you say that? Like, I just don't want something to hurt.

Yeah. Again, I understand, like, maybe that's something you're saying to your daughter, but it almost sounds like you're, if you are holding, you have to have, you have to be able to release this, right? And it's almost sounds like, all right, you're, you want to be there for your sister. You want to be there for your daughter. You want to be there for your family, and you have decided to take this up and do this as like this act of love, this act of service for the people that you love most in your life.

And gee whiz, like, why can't you just ask a little bit from your friends who didn't honestly like, you know, while they, you hope they have empathy for you, aren't feeling this pain that you feel because of this loss that your family incurred, right? It's essentially kind of how you're feeling. Yeah. I mean, first, it's just like. natural that you're feeling this way and it makes a lot of sense.

I think, I don't know if it's going to help at all, but I mean, friendships are very fleeting. And in those fleeting friendships, I think as we get older, we realize how special family is. You know, family, you know, like what's the common saying?

You don't get to choose your family. You get to choose your friends, right? Oftentimes we enjoy the company of our friends more than we sometimes enjoy the company of our family. Because, again, we don't really choose our family. But as friendships go, they can be temporary. They can be, you know, friendships are often formed, especially in adulthood, because they fill in a need, you know, and sometimes that need is more temporary than we realize.

And there's not the bond, there's not this natural bond that comes with family, like, this is my blood, you know, that connect, you feel connected to these people that are family, even when they drive you nuts, you know, and things like that. And so I think it's very common to often feel like this with various friends. I think we have to be careful not to make the mistake of, well, I was willing to do this for my friends, so they should want to do it for me. I think that's normal. I also think when you're dealing with death and things like that, not to make excuses for your friend, and I'm not saying this is the reason I don't know these friends or really your relationships, but like people get real funny when it comes to how they

deal with death. Most people are lucky enough to not have had to deal with any real significant tragedy in their life like you've just had to face other than the loss of a grandparent or a great uncle or something like that. And so when stuff like this happens, like people just don't know what to say. They don't know what to say or do, you know? Yeah. Um, Yeah, I definitely feel, I understand that feeling as well, even though, you know, I am part of the family. I, you know, love my nephew, like, he was my own. Even, like, sometimes with, you know, my sister and her husband, like, I really don't necessarily know how to show up for them. Yeah, you don't know if, is today the day they want to hear from you?

Is today the day they don't want to talk about it? You never really know. and you have to be flexible or nimble with like, you know, it's just like, hey, they may be feeling a certain way today, so I don't really know. Like, it's your sister. So you, again, being an empathetic person, you're pushing through that discomfort with your sister to be there for her. Because you just know she's your sister. You know, like, it's your family. You just, you know you have to show up. Yeah. When it comes to these friends, again, I don't know what they know or they don't know. I don't know how, if you've communicated just how hard it's been for you. Certainly, like, yeah, is it disappointed that your friends didn't show up for you? Of course. But I think in these situations, you're doing yourself a disservice because here's, when you called in, you know, your first thing you said is like, in the face of adversity, I realize I have no friends. That's a very heavy statement to say. I have no friends. And I'm like, oh my God, like this person's alone. And then 30 seconds in, in 30 seconds in,

I ever find out you have a husband, you have a daughter, you have a sister, you have a brother-in-law, you have a family. But I think our perspective very much matters. I mean, if there's one thing, you know, if there's one consistent thing I talk about, regardless of, if it's this type of call where you're calling in, it's very unique about like this very tragic loss and friendships versus like someone who calls in struggling with the dating situation, you know, they're dealing with a fuck boy or whatever. And it's just like, I don't know what to do. And it's like, but the stakes, you know, seem a little bit lower than what you're dealing with. Yeah. I'm always it's already just about your our perspective how do we approach a situation how

honest are we being with ourselves about this situation are we painting a picture that's making it more difficult than it is you know listen you have every right to feel sorry for yourself right now I mean this is a terrible situation your family is going through so it makes sense to like sit in this pain right I feel it every day yeah and so yeah I've been you I know what it's like to want more from friends I mean we all know what it's like like to show up for people and have those same people not show up for us. It's an icky feeling. And this is like this situation you're going through. It's the time and when you really need someone, you know, like of all. It's just like my God. And that's the thing. It's like, I know

I have like my mom and I talk every day, you know, and, you know, we cry about it. But I don't want to always just cry about it with my mom. You know, like I want her to not to go a day. What about feeling this loss of her grandson? Therapy. Where is therapy included in any of this? So, funny thing, my sister also always tells me I need to go to therapy. Yeah. I mean, this is...

And I've tried therapy in the past, and it's, you know, it's something that's more looming now than it was before. But I've sat through, like, session after session of going through, like, I have some heavy childhood trauma as well. and I feel like I just sit there and I'm the only one who's talking but I'm not given any tools as to okay well how to help me get through like when I'm having a really like depressive type manic thing episode well you know finding a good therapist is a little bit like dating yeah there is that not all therapists are created equal so if you are investing in therapy and you don't feel like you're getting something out of it, maybe that's a sign to try someone else. More, like, as far as this particular situation, one, like, you've heard me talk. Like, I think therapy in general is a positive thing, assuming that you can find someone you connect with. I think therapy in general, when treated like a bicycle helmet, rather than reconstructive

surgery, is a positive thing. For you, in this particular situation, we're talking reconstructive surgery here, right? Right? We're talking. How do you pick yourself up from this tragic loss? But I will say when it comes to getting the most out of therapy, if you're just kind of going into like maintenance, be like, well, you know, I don't really have like a ton of like problems. I mean, there's general anxiety I deal with every day. And like, sure. Like, sure. Like, you know, and then you can. Yeah. You can go into therapy. Yeah. But like, you can be a little bit more intentional. Like right now, you need someone who's not your sister, who's not your mom. Your friends would be nice. If. for no other reason you felt like they were showing up for you, but they're also not therapist, and there's only so much they can say, so to speak, or know what to say, but a therapist,

a good one that you feel safe communicating with could just be the person. You just kind of let all that, you know, if you're going to quote unquote, let your daughter and let your sister and let your mom push all their pain on to you, then maybe you hire a therapist to like dump it all on them,

you know, just to vent, to get it out, to just, to just, you know, you can say whatever the fuck you want, in therapy, to just, I'm angry.

I don't know why. I'm, maybe you're just like, oh, it sounds crazy. I'm mad at my sister. I don't fucking know. You know what I'm saying? Like, in therapy, you have the,

you have the benefit to just vent and get it off your chest and just, and then have, hopefully a therapist to, like, just kind of have of guard rails that, like, if you say something a little out of pocket

to unpack that or just question, so, you know, you don't go totally off in the left field with your emotions, and it's just kind of process it and just kind of get it out because you are holding on to a,

lot of pain, a lot of toxicity, that I think you just kind of need to get off your chest. If you happen to find some, a therapist that you connect with, that you feel like, all right, well, that just, I feel, if nothing else, a little lighter after like venting for the past 15 minutes with this therapist, maybe there's, maybe you can unpack some childhood trauma. Right now, maybe that's not the goal with therapy. Right now, the goal is to just work through this current trauma. You know, how do you, how do you get things off your chest and how do you cry without, you know, with your therapist so that you don't, you don't feel like, right now you don't want to cry around your sister. You don't want to cry around your mom. You don't want to

cry around your daughter because you don't want to burden them with your tears. You want to be, you want to be strong, you know, and that's great. But you need to, you need to let that out somewhere. And you, you hope that it's your friends. But right now, you know, your friends don't know what to say or do. I do think, listen, I think it would be more than fair. And I think you should find the way to communicate to your friends to say, I want, I think it starts by giving them some grace. Listen, I, I assume that you just didn't know what to do, but like I just, I really needed a friend, and I guess I was just a little bum that I just felt like I didn't hear from you. You know, I want, you should give them some grace to, to say, I didn't really know

what to say or do, and that allowed them to say, well, water under the bridge, but I, can you try to be, I, I would love to hear from you. Can you check in on me? You have to sometimes tell people how they can show up for you, especially around, around death, because people are just like, I don't know what I'm supposed to do in this situation, you know? And so, taking it in. I definitely understand what you're saying. Okay. I think I just, I have a hard time with that. I don't. It's also just a very dangerous thing to. I don't want to, it's one of those things that's like, I don't want to, I don't, I don't want to ask you for help. I want you to know, I need help. You know, like, I don't want to ask you. I know. But the,

These friends, these friends. You should know that you should be there for me as a friend. Totally. But I think we also have to be realistic. Yeah. I think we only have so much room in our lives for very intimate and special relationships. And despite how you're feeling right now, it sounds like you have a lot of a very wonderful, intimate and special relationships.

You know, like you, Nick, I come from a very large family. Yeah. You know, but more importantly, yeah. And that's just a bonus at this. this point you have your daughter you have your your your your your spouse you know and those are the most important right now you know or or should or you know certainly your daughter and i guess what i'm saying is it's just like friendships are are nice to have at this stage in your life but yeah it's just more like i forget what you said but like like being a wife like i want you to just know

oh yeah yeah exactly right so like i just like that's the job of your husband so to speak or your daughter or your sister. That's what I'm saying. It's just like, so there's only so many people in your life. I think we get to say, this person should instinctually know what I need and want. They're around me enough. They know who I am. Our friends, like maybe when we're in college or in our early 20s and our friends

really are kind of our romantic partners, you know, when I was a single guy and it was this me and my boys and we were, we just assumed we were hanging out, right? there wasn't like, what are you doing this week? And it was like, I'm going to hang out with my guys this week. And we just, we spent every day together. We would go to dinner together. We would go to movies together. We'd play video games.

I mean, you know, like, there's an intimacy there with friends. And then you meet some. One of my sisters did say, because I didn't, I didn't go to college. I didn't go off to, like, university or anything. I did some classes at a community college. My sister did say, like, if you went away to school, Like, you would probably have these deeper friendships with people like, I don't know, maybe, maybe not. My other sister, not the one who lost her son, but my other sister, like, she had friends flying from Texas.

Like, she had all these people show up. And I'm just, like, standing in this room alone with no friends who showed up. And I know that's a lot of comparison. It is, it is. Her friends knew what she needed. Yeah. My friends clearly did not. Yeah. I don't know who your sister is or your sister's personality versus yours. Maybe your sister is the more direct. Maybe your sister's less of a people pleaser.

I don't know. We're born and raised Catholic. So we do, you know, I was born and raised Catholic. I'm not a people pleaser. Yeah, I guess so. You know. I don't think you couldn't have been raised more Catholic than me. You'd be surprised, Nick. You would be surprised. I would go toe to toe with anyone. I was, my parents were introduced by Catholic priest. I grew up around priests and nuns. We said the rosary as a family, even in car rides. I used to go on run runs with the priest and all this fun stuff.

We tied. I could not have been raised more Catholic. I'm just saying that really, that comparison is a thief of joy, right? And you're spending a lot of time painting, you're taking a very tragic situation right now, and you're honestly making it worse on your. like this is not the time to take an inventory of how many cool friends or great friends you've been able to collecting your life you know I know this is not the time to make I mean I got rid of social media I deleted the apps off my phone on stuff because I just

found myself sitting and comparing my life to others and I have a great life two friends right now that you expected a little bit more than you got and it hurt your feelings and that's normal and that's valid and you have the right to feel the way that you do. It doesn't make them bad people. It doesn't even make them bad friends. They just like didn't show up the way you needed them to. But you definitely need to communicate that somehow in a way that gives them a little bit of grace and gives them an opportunity to say, I'm sorry I didn't do that. And while I hope you don't have to face this type of tragedy, like I would like to like make things right and just know that I do, you know, whatever. Or you find out that like I don't know, maybe they're just, I don't

know you've grown apart friends grow apart you know like friends come and go you know if if you are if we're lucky enough to have lifelong friends in addition to having a happy marriage and a beautiful family and kids that take up a ton of our time and energy and require emotional support all in all aspects of life you know and we're lucky enough to maintain long lasting friendships I who that's that That's, you're really dealing with a full deck there. You know what I'm saying? Like, I have a couple friends. I've been friends with this since middle school.

We've definitely, like, lost touch. I don't, the same, you know, these were guys who I was hanging out with every day. Like, I don't know. I might not talk to them for a couple months. I don't know if they're telling me every intimate thing that's happened in their life. And honestly, I don't know if I've shown up in the way they expected me to. I consider them my close friends, but like, I got a wife now. I got a daughter.

I have employees, I have a business to run, I have my family to take care of, I don't have time, you know, and that's the cold, hard truth of it, you know, but like your value isn't, you know, and it sounds like the way you talk, honestly, you kind of remind me a little bit of my mom sometimes, and a little bit, like my mom was the only daughter, she had all brothers, she got pregnant early in her life, she also didn't go to college, I think my mom didn't have sisters and I think she's always had a hard time having, you know, she's always wanted to have friends. And I think because of her life and her life choices and all the other things going on in her life, I think that's the one thing in her life she's kind of struggled to make. She's had friends in her life come and go. But again, like, part of it is just like she's, she's a mom of 11 and she's a great mom and she's an active mom and she's, and she's a great wife. And just like, how much time do we have to invest? Like, you have to invest in these relationships that flourish.

And, like, you don't, how much time do you have to really make these friendships that are really rocking you and rocking your sense of self-worth? Like, how much time do you really have for these friendships right now? Yeah, that's very true. No, I think the way you described your moment is very similar to myself. I've always had a hard time with friendships. But I think a lot of that goes back to childhood. trauma rooted in that but another day i i think when it comes to the average people

plays or the that that's the biggest mistake they make because i think we all and ever you like you need your husband to expect things from you your husband needs needs to expect things from him i don't know how you are with your husband i'm assuming you're probably less of a people pleaser with him than anyone else yeah right sure right well and that's you know what Because, like, people need to know what, what do you want from me? Yeah, I don't read, you know, it's like, sure, yes. You want people to show up, but you got to, you got to tell people what you want. And even at the risk of finding out maybe they're not the friends you thought they were.

But you're going to find that. I think that's what I'm scared about. Like, I'm scared. Yeah. Mom. Rocking about and say, hey, why weren't you there? Like, I needed you. And I know I didn't communicate that well or at all.

Well, what's the worst that can happen? I truly. feel like I have no friends if they get upset and say, well, I had things going on in my life. Like, I'm sorry that that wasn't the most important thing. Well, what, I mean, as a wife, as a mom, as a sister, as a daughter, what do you want for yourself at this stage in your life? Like, what do you have time for? A phone call every now and then, you know?

Yeah, and that's nice. Somebody I don't feel like I can, like somebody, I feel like I can, um, just talk to and I know I know it's like oh well that's what therapy is for you talk to a therapist about it but I just feel like at least at my experience the therapists I've talked to have all been very like cold and I do all the talking and I'm like I need help trying to figure out how yeah I mean what you're just my emotions well yeah one again you maybe just find a therapist you connect with a little bit better but two you're right therapy and friendship are not the same like you're you know it's like there's very two different things you're getting out of these

relationships I think you know back to the therapy thing there's just some unloading that sounds like you need to do that like a friend might not be equipped to do that like just might be helpful in terms of like having the empathetic friend who just is like I don't know what to say but I love you and I'm here for you and like let's get you out of the house and like let's get your mind distracted and let's go have some fun like that's a friendship and I understand that you desire that but again one you have to you have to put yourself out there to the extent of like people can't i guess the point i'm trying to make is this like you have to help yourself out a little bit and even at the risk of being rejected you have to be a little it's it does sound like

you have some like trauma you have an unpack from childhood that like this there's this 16 year old girl or 12 year old girl inside of you that is just like the idea of finding out someone doesn't want to be friends with you is like emotion devastating for you. You have to work through that because now as a 32-year-old woman who's a mom, who's a daughter, who's a wife, you don't really even have time for the type of friendships that you have convinced yourself that you desperately needing your life. And you have to be realistic that at this stage of your life, some friendships will come and go and they might deserve their purpose. I mean, I just, there's just a lot of friends. I think back in my life,

you know those two friends I talked about I've been friends since the middle school but like when it came to you know I was I think as a young man I I always like befriended like older women I worked with or like who are acquaintances in my life that like they were they were interested enough in my life maybe because they were just like living vicariously through me and I was like you know I had girl problems or what I thought and they just I thought it was fun and again nothing like is in terms of what you're dealing with but like I made close friendships with some of these women. And for periods of time, there were these people in my life that I, you know, bonded with. And, like, I would really go for advice and that we might, like, go out to lunch, like, at work. And it might be me and, like, two other women who had been like, I just, can I pick your brain on something? And they were really empathetic. And they made me feel like they cared. I don't even know what these women are up to in these life.

I haven't talked to them in 15 years. For sure. You know what I'm saying? Like they served this purpose in my life. I moved on. I left the job and, you know, like, it's like we weren't going to stay in touch. But sometimes our friendships are like are just that. They're men to be temporary. But they can still serve a purpose. Some of these conversations I had with these women were I was more open and more vulnerable and just more honest than I had ever been with any of my bros. You know what I'm saying? And so they sometimes come and go. And I think you just have to have. to be okay with that and accept that and not you know not lose sight of like you're taking a little bit for granted your family and maybe that's a product of yeah i know yeah i know 110% i have hands down the best fit like my husband my sisters my mom my dad like i have a great family i do not take them for granted at all i tell them every day i love them like every time i talk to them I let them know how much I care for them.

No, I know. I just wish that I had somebody like for me, you know, sure, but you have to be willing to ask, you know what I'm saying? Like, I just, you're a lot like my mom in that regard. You know, it's just like you, you have to, like, you have to give people a guide a little bit, right? It's a little, I don't know how to say it, but like, yeah, you have, it's not, you're not being fair to yourself by, by looking at your sister. not knowing that every little intimate detail

of the friendships that she has or how they were made or who these friends are and then you're just looking about how they got on a plate and showed up for her and then comparing yourself to your sister and your friends and then allowing that to make you, to diminish yourself worth. That's just you're not being fair to yourself.

And the only thing that can change in that equation is your perspective. I think you have every right to be disappointing in your friends. I think you have every right to have it make you sad. But you have to communicate with these people. And then you just have to be willing to find out where things stand today with these friendships. Maybe you realize that it just took a little bit of better communication.

Or maybe you realize that, like, listen, they don't really have the time to show up the way you wish they would show up. But, like, you're only 32. You know, I have made some really close friends, people I call my best friends, but men. who stood up in my wedding, I met after 32. In fact, one, two, two guys who stood up in my wedding, two out of the six, are men I met after 35. I know there's still time to make friends. There's always time to make friends.

You're going to make friends. If you live to your 90, you'll make friends in your 80s. You know what I'm saying? And some of them might be really special friendships. And I think you just, you know, try to look at it that way. Friends do come and go. You know. They're not blood.

yeah i think also i'm a little scared because losing my nephew like now i'm going to lose these friendships that i did take time to like i know cultivate and be close with you know like now i'm going to lose them like possibly like yeah it's also scary you know so i know it's a very delicate situation that i want to make sure that i handle with care because i i i love these girls of I would do anything like anything for them well yeah but I guess I just I just want that in return but not everybody's capable of doing that they're not I know that they're not your biggest thing is and again that's right it's just really right you you go you go such a step you your problem it sounds harsh but I care too much no you you you see it as a reflection

of your self-worth like you you see it as a reflection of you there's a part of you there's like in this 16 12-year-old girl whatever that is like why why don't i don't why don't i have friends with my sister what's wrong with me i guess i'm not good enough to have these types of friends these there's something going on inside of you where these there's these these types of voices you're not seeing it as yeah man my friends kind of suck you know fuck man like what what the you know like how how your friends are choosing to handle this is a them problem short of you like you know you could have communicated your disappointment a little bit better and maybe they would have for all you know you could have saved yourself a lot of anguish and pain four months ago

by calling up a friend saying hey I could I really could use you right now can we talk but you you just sat around the phone and waited for them to show up the same way you showed up but they're not you and then you decided you decided to say to tell yourself well if if they call I'm good enough and if they don't call there's something wrong with me and that's just that's not necessarily like something wrong with me it's just like I just question why well that's why not show up for me in the way that I but that again that's what I'm saying so like when you why not show up for me right that's very different than saying why why do they choose to not care.

Yeah. I don't think that's the case deep down. Sure. But whatever, I don't, I don't know the reason, right? But I certainly don't think there's, I don't think your friends, the way you are asking yourself the question is as if you're thinking that your friends were like, you know what, she doesn't deserve it. I'm not going to call.

Yeah. She's not worth it. You know, I don't like her enough. Yeah. That's how you're framing the question, like, that's how you're framing. your head. And that's why it hurts so bad because there's a part of you that's, when you're playing it out in your head of how your friends are deciding or not deciding to reach out, you're making it about how they think about you. When you see your sister's friends show up,

you're framing it is. They love her so much. They got on a plane for her. Yeah. When it comes, when it comes out of my mind and interpreted that way, I guess that makes sense. And it's just like not, it's not realistic or fair. First of all, you don't know why your friends did what her friends did what they did. They don't know why, you don't know why your friends didn't do what they did. And you're, there's a little bit of like, there's a little, there's a little bit of, again, I say this very lightly because you're going through a lot right now. But again, there's a little bit of feeling sorry for yourself. And I'm not talking about the trauma you experienced with your, your nephew.

I'm just talking about this. because it sounds like this whole, you know, is a lifelong struggle that you've had, your relationship with your friends. It truly is, yeah. Yeah. And I think, I think there's a little bit of,

I'm lucky my brother married my best friend, you know, like growing up. Say that last part? I said, I'm lucky that, like my best friend growing up, my brother married her.

So your sister-in-law? My sister-in-law. We have not, we don't talk as much as we used to, but I do know I can call her and talk to her about it, but she's also going through the same thing. Well, I mean, you know, she lost her nephew and she has something that she has to take care of.

But she and I are very emotionally very different. So it's sometimes hard to communicate my emotions. If I'm just talking about like friends. If I were being hard on my mom, which I, you know, is an adulthood. And when you're younger, you just, you are always, your parents can do no wrong. you're very empathetic to your parents, you see no flaws in your parents, you know,

as I've gotten older, like if I'm, you know, sometimes my mom can play the victim card a little bit much at times. Yeah. My mom has, is literally a victim of situations. My mom has been a victim multiple times in her life. My mom has a lot of reasons to, you know, to justify some of her trauma and issues, right? but that being said at some point we in adulthood we have to we have to address it head on so to speak and at some point in our life regardless of our traumas we're faced with situations where

we can take the i'm going to pity myself and feel sorry for myself and i'm going to look at the situation all the different ways where it's just like life's not fair and this sucks or you can take more of a, I don't like this current situation, but I do have a lot going for me. Or you can just take more of a, you know, it's like, it's a glass half full versus the glass half empty mentality. A lot of times my mom can be a little too glass half empty. Yeah. And I, where I think she could, she could do herself a favor and being a little glass half full. And, you know, I can try and work on that. Sure, but I also think you could. I definitely am very, I, I, I do find myself, especially, well, more like in situations that have to do with me, I do feel like

I'm more pessimistic versus optimistic of like, well, maybe if these two friendship ends, it's just going to make room for like two better friendships to pop up, you know, but, um, well, and listen, like, you know, this is, I'm afraid of losing again, you know, what'd you say? I said, I guess I'm just afraid of like losing again. And when you say again, what do you mean? Like losing, my nephew losing. Okay, but you have to, that's you not being fair to yourself. I mean, it's just, you cannot, that is not fair to yourself by comparing a loss of a friendship to the loss of your nephew.

Like what happened with your nephew was just a devastating tragedy that just fucking sucks and it's not fair. And like, and a friend who, for whatever reason, either like because they just, it slipped their mind or they just have other shit going on in their lives. and you lost touch a little bit and like it's another friendship that like you wish would flourish that didn't flourish and it feels like you you know and that happened to you in college it is not the same thing and you comparing those two things is this another loss you're just not being emotionally fair to yourself you know like i mean you're comparing a friendship not showing up to the death of your nephew and that's just not that those aren't those aren't the two same things and and but you're you're telling yourself that they are and that's

this is not fair to yourself. Yeah, because their relationships are, they were different. They are different. Obviously, I can get over losing friends. Friendships you can lose. I said this to a caller a couple weeks ago. I have a friend. Currently, he's a friend.

I mean, like, we're friends. I don't talk to him all that much. He lives in Chicago. I live in L.A. He's a single man. I have a family. I'm busy. He's busy, whatever.

But we lost touch. We lost touch so much that, like, I ran into him in Chicago. When I moved in Chicago, we ran it, I ran into it at a bar. And it was like this kind of awkward, like running into an ex-girlfriend. It was like, oh, hey, man. I'm like, how's it going? And then we reconnected. Well, that took like two and a half, three years, you know?

That was like a three-year gap where we lost touch. We just weren't seeing things eye to eye. His life was going a different direction. And he had to deal with his and I had to deal with mine. He didn't die. He didn't pass away. We certainly, he wasn't in my life for three years. But then we reconnected.

Our, certainly our friendship's different than it was 15 years. ago, 15 years ago, we were out there going out all the time and playing beach volleyball and we're just like we had nothing else to worry about but ourselves. And now like he's, he will come and visit now and then. And, you know, we'll catch up from time to time. And when we go to Chicago, we'll go out to dinner and we'll touch base, you know. And another friend who was part of that group, what I met through that other buddy, we lost touch because like he married someone that none of us fucked with. I mean, the person he decided to marry was just kind of like she just would, she was drama.

He's just in our fantasy football league. I don't really talk to him anymore. His previous wedding, he got divorced and met someone else new. I stood up in his wedding. We were very close friends. I don't really trust his wife, so I don't deal with this person. I found out a couple days ago that he just had a baby through other friends. And I text this person.

I reached out. and I was like, I haven't reached out to him in a while. I haven't heard back from him. But, like, my point is, I don't know. Maybe I never talked to him again. I don't know, but he didn't die. We lost touch, right? Maybe we'll reconnect in the future.

Life's short, but it's also not that short. It's also long in a way. You know, when it comes to friendships, I think you have just, you got some trauma there that you have to unpack and you're really hard on yourself when it comes to your ability or inability to have certain type of friendships. And you compare way too much to other relationships. and things like that. Meanwhile, you have a husband,

you have a daughter, you have all these siblings. There is only so much, you only have so much emotional bandwidth. Honestly, I don't think you have time for. And emotionally, you are beating yourself up

and being unfair to yourself and judging yourself in ways that I think are just unfair to yourself. And I think those are the things that you can unpack in therapy. And I think those are the things that a therapist can help change your perspective so that when you come in

and you start venting, I hope that you feel a little bit better after this call. Yeah. You know, where you can just talk through things objectively and a therapist can say, ah, you're being, you know, thank, I'm glad you got it out. That's a good cry. Talk about it, but hey, you're kind of being a dick to yourself. I've always been that way to myself, so I think that.

We all are a little bit, but like, in different reasons, but you need to be a better friend to yourself. Help yourself where you can help yourself out. If, you know, just because you tried therapy once and it didn't work. is an excuse to avoid it, especially in these types of situation where you're dealing with some real trauma and you don't know how to get it out and you don't want to be a burden

to all the other people experiencing trauma. And instead of feeling sorry for yourself that a couple of your friends haven't showed up for you, you know, the way you want them to, in addition to the fact that you haven't really communicated a little bit of disappointment, like maybe a therapist can help just get that out.

Maybe a therapist can help say, well, I don't know, call the friend. What's the worst that can happen? Nothing can change. Right now, you've painted a picture of these friendships where you've, you've literally called up and said, I have no friends. That's not true. And so the worst thing that could happen from you calling up these two friends and saying,

hey, I'm just, you know, you know, you don't come, you are a terrible friend. You know, you don't come hard, you know, but you just say I was, I never would because as you know that they have had other things going on. I just like, I just, and instead of saying you weren't there for me, you could just say, I could really use a friend right now. And if you communicate that and they still don't show up, then you're just back to where you already were that you told yourself, which is you had no friends. But that's not even true.

Your brother married, your best friend. And sure, you lost a little touch, but, like, she's, I mean, she's also family now. I know. You know, so you're going through this terrible grief and you're not helping yourself out. You're just, you're being, you know, as someone who was raised Catholic, you have this martyr mentality that is ingrained to you as a Catholic person. And I think that that martyr mentality of suffering through pain

and putting it all on yourself, I think is something, it's a little childhood trauma just by being raised Catholic that I can relate to. And I think you're just way too comfortable being an emotional martyr rather than like stopping that

and stop being a dick to yourself and actually doing something about it. And that's where I know my mom was just raised to this, you know, there's a part of how my mom was raised to just she's taught that like the if you suffer through you know it's your gateway to heaven you know like I guess yeah I lot to think about um definitely we'll most likely

reach out to them and just let them know and again if it ends it ends it probably won't end it probably won't end it probably not sad to sadness if it does you know it's it's not an end It's just different. And I think you just have to lighten up the expectations you have a friend. I think other than dealing with this immediate loss of your nephew, if you decide to go into therapy, I would definitely look to unpack why you have, why you're so hard on yourself when it comes to friendships.

And again, you see as a reflection of your value. I would love for you to unpack that. My mom can have 11 kids and a pretty darn good husband. and you can still feel sorry and my mom can still feel sorry for herself about friendships. We are all capable of just focusing on what we don't have

rather than we have. Yeah. And you've gone through a terrible loss and so I get it, but help yourself. I will definitely, I will most likely give therapy another shot just because you got to. Yeah.

And be patient with it, give it some time to work, be willing to try more than one therapist. There's a bunch of different ways to get things off your chest. It doesn't have to be through therapy. And again, like, I don't know, make a, make a point. I have a note. I have so many notes over the last six months that I just write out to myself and, you know, just how I'm feeling. Yeah, I'm fine. You know, I don't, like, it doesn't have to be a best, you know, sometimes it can be a stranger you know, but I don't know.

I always just I again I made like these acquaintances I made like work friends and they're you know I don't know I kind of enjoyed that just like I'm just gonna dump I you know I'll let these women who like probably won't be in my life in 10 years you know I'll unload on them yeah I've been I've been burned by work friendships before to so I'm very like well again burned is all comes down with your expectations um again like professionalism aside you know like HR but like you know again again I'm I feel like I'm picking on my mom this episode. But, like, I grew up thinking my mom was the most selfless person in the world. And she is a very selfless person. But as I grew up, I kind of realized that my mom isn't always doing these things out of selflessness. What my mom is doing is giving a roadmap to people of how she hopes people love her, specifically around her friends. So when she shows up for her friends, it's not the selfless act.

It is a roadmap of how she hopes to be treated by them. And I think you do a lot of that too. Like, not everything you do is, pardon me? I said, I think that that is a very fair evaluation of who I am without knowing who I am. Yeah. And I think just being honest with that because, like, again, it's not that it's bad, but, like, you're, it's not this, like, because you have this narrative in your head of, like, I'm always showing up for these people. I'm always selfless. And when it's my turn, they don't do that for me.

And that, I think that's just a very false narrative that you have playing in your head. And that's just, that's something you have to work through. And that is just a narrative. It's just a, it's a, it's a point of view that you have. It's made up. It's not based off of anything substantive or, you know, there's nuance. The reality is there's a lot of nuance to these relationships. You are workshopping these relationships in your head by yourself.

You're not communicating with people who are involved in these relationships. You are putting words in their mouth. You're putting intention in their actions without having conversation. with them and then you are attributing a sense of value to yourself talking by work through it alone in your head you're much better off just dealing with the reality of the situation and there's just a lot of nuance and and again none of that really has to do with your value and you have to start seeing the value that you have in your life and and and what you bring to the table and you know like I can work on that.

listen it's a way it's a journey it's a work in progress you know but like what i'd love for you is to instead of spending most of your energy in your head ruminating finding a bunch of different reasons to convince yourself why you feel less than i would love for you to get out of your head stop complaining about who are like you're right you're just like well i don't want to talk to them i want to talk to them i don't want to talk to therapists i want to talk to my best friend Why don't you just take what you can get And you have a lot You know

I do And just get it out Your friend You know The big thing is your friendships Are not your sisters They're not your blood Right

And you just You for whatever reason You want the You want that And I don't know And it comes from somewhere And I don't know why We don't have time to unpack it

But you know Like I said At the beginning A Pandora's box Would have been open If we go down that road And you're not there I know. Yeah. I do appreciate you taking that time and talking through, like I was telling my sister's like, just like a third party. He was like not so knee deep and involved in the intricacies of everybody.

Well, listen, there's a lot of nosy people out there, people who love to play therapist and people who love to listen to other people's problems. So you just have. have to give some of those people a chance. You also have to be willing when you find out some people aren't interested in hearing your problems or listening that you don't make it about you and your self-worth. You just have to recognize that everyone is a little selfish these days. Everyone's kind of like has their main character syndrome. Everyone has problems. Very few people despite this terrible tragedy have what you have in terms of a family. You know, there's a lot of people who truly are alone. Yeah.

And you're not one of them. No. I'm definitely not alone. So I would really love for you to like tell yourself that and feel that constantly. And when those voices creep up in your head that want to say I have no friends, you've got to, you got to stop that. You got to shut that down. You can say, listen, I had, I wish my friendships were a little different than they are now.

I'm disappointed in my friends or, you know, I don't like that my friendships. are more casual than I fine. As we kind of unpacked you are literally equating your friendships to the loss of your nephew and that is so unfair to yourself. That is for sure.

I guess I just never looked at it that way until I said it. Yeah. Well. It just came out. That's why it's good to get it out and talk to someone who is objective. You know? With me it's like who gives a shit, who gives a shit what I say?

I'm not your friend. Yeah, but you know what I'm saying? I'm just like, you're right, like you said. I'm just some guy who, like, you're curious about my opinion and, and you probably heard me give advice to someone else, and you kind of respect it a little bit, but at the end of the day, you're not, who gives a shit, what I say, you know? I'm not your family. I'm not your friend.

You don't have an emotional attachment to me. You can quickly just be like, I don't know what the fuck, he was a podcastering, you know what I'm saying? But like, sometimes, and that's where our therapist can come. in or again you know you just get out there and it doesn't have to be a best friend sometimes maybe like a support group i don't know shit like you are dealing with some tragedy i'm not familiar with support you know but there are probably groups out there when it comes to family loss and maybe you can make some friends through that you know you want to be careful about like trauma

bonding and things like that i guess but yeah get out there make new friends you know find different people to unload right now you're taking all this burden and you're being kind of this martyr that you were raised to be and it's it's hurting you yeah i don't really have much else i i agree with a lot of the things as you said and i definitely will start looking for therapy again and what i want you to do the rest of the day is try to like set this topic aside and and just i want you to get off the phone and say i have friends. I have some good friends. I have, and some of those friends are family. I have a lot of meaningful relationships in my life. There are some relationships in my life that I think need work,

but we'll deal with that later. But right now, I want to focus, I want you to just focus on what you do have and I need you to pick yourself back up, look in the mirror, give yourself a compliment, and take it easy on yourself. And then maybe like later in the week, fine, explore therapy. But right now, want you to get out of your head, start changing the narrative in your head about some of these negative thoughts that you have about yourself and start being more realistic about your situation. And then let those be the repeating thoughts in your head. And check yourself. When you have a negative thought, just say, that's not true. I don't, I don't not have friends. But I'm just a little disappointed in some of those friendships. And that's okay. That's a, that's, that we can work on

that. Yes, I will try that. All right. Never been the affirmation type. we all have our ways I don't like you know you may not talk about to say this out loud but I know you talk a lot to yourself in your head so you don't

so just you don't have to say it out loud in the mirror you don't it's not like you don't have to but when you are ruminating in your head and you have these

you can have more positive conversations with yourself I will work with that for sure all right well hopefully this was a little helpful all right

I appreciate you all right well take care give us an update as things move along I'm very sorry for your loss thank you probably gonna think about that for the rest of the day

but you know that's how it's been the last six months I know I know and it's still very fresh yes it's you know that's another thing to remember this is

shit like this takes more than six months to heal so I don't know how long it's gonna take it just again even that is another more episode

of the sadness that we don't need to go down um deserve you you you deserve a little bit of grace for yourself and I was I just that's what I want you to work on thanks all right okay all right take care thank you bye