The Viall Files - Ep744 Ask Nick - Our Bride is an Ego-Zilla

Episode Date: May 6, 2024

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! We start off by playing a game of ‘Ditch it or Fix it’: Relationship Habits Edition. Our first caller is attending an expensive bachelorette party, and the bride is bragging that she doesn't have to pay for anything. Our caller no longer wants to go, but doesnt want to anger the bride and let the financial burden fall on the others. Our second caller hates her old job, but feels like her husband is not supportive of a career shift. She has a school and profession in mind, but his past marriage has made money a trigger for him… thus he’s resistant to helping her pay for it. Our final caller’s friend is having relationships with random men, with the specific intention to have a child. These men are unaware of that, and our caller wants to confront her with disapproval, but not come off as judgmental. “You’re anticipating how that conversation’s going to go, before you have it.” Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice, send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Altoids - Find Altoids in the check-out aisle—grab your tin today. Astepro - Get fast-acting nasal allergy symptom relief with Astepro. Go to https://www.AsteproAllergy.com for a discount so you can Astepro and Go! BetterHelp - Get it off your chest, with BetterHelp. Visit https://www.BetterHelp.com/VIALL today to get 10% off your first month. Article - Article is offering our listeners $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more. To claim, visit https://www.Article.com/VIALL and the discount will be automatically applied at checkout Framebridge -  See why Framebridge has been trusted to frame over two million pieces. Visit https://www.Framebridge.com or a local Framebridge store to get started and custom frame just about anything. Beis - Right now, BÉIS is offering our listeners 15% off your first purchase by visiting https://www.BEISTRAVEL.com/VIALL  Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @justinkaphillips @leahgsilberstein @alison.vandam @dereklanerussell

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I'm your host, Stephen. I'm your host, Stephen. I'm your host, Stephen. I'm your host, Stephen. I'm your host, Stephen. I'm your host, Stephen. I'm your host, Stephen. I'm your host, Stephen.

I'm your host, Stephen. I'm your host, Stephen. I'm your host, Stephen. I'm your host, Stephen. I'm your host, Stephen. I'm your host, Stephen. I'm your host, Stephen. I'm your host, Stephen. I'm your host, Stephen. I'm your host, Stephen. What's going on everybody? Welcome back to another episode of The Vile Files, us, Nick, edition. I am your host, Nick, joined by the household of Scooter and sweet, sweet, sweet boy Justin.

What's new? What's cracking? What's going on? Just, what else is new? Living life. Living life. Can we talk about the wedding present that's just sitting there? Living life. Living life. Can we talk about the wedding present

that's just sitting there? Oh yeah. Ah, yes. I know what it is. We're very excited about it. What do you think it is? It's a smeg toaster, I believe. I don't know.

Is it not? No? Can we say it's Shreedillem? I think they know what it is. Is it not a smeg toaster? I mean, I'm not gonna tell you. I don't spoil the gifts. Okay, it's beautifully wrapped.

You have to unwrap it, or never unwrap it. Yeah, Justin, you did a really good job wrapping that. He's an excellent wrapper. You weren't here, yeah, you weren't working here when Justin decorated the studio. The Christmas. I missed that. No, but I saw it.

I can't wrap a present to save my life. I can teach you, yeah. The secret to wrapping is always throw a plant on it, and then it looks pretty. No, it looks stunning. It looks stunning. I'm gonna wait to open it up with that. Yeah, you should, of course.

Yeah. Obviously. What do we get into before we get to our callers? Anyway, we thought it could be fun to play a little game of ditch it or fix it today. So we're gonna run through a couple of things that people have said that they're struggling with in their relationship and whether or not

we think it's solvable. Let's start out with something simple. They never change the toilet paper and always put it on wrong or always put it on wrong. So the question is, should you break up with someone who doesn't change the toilet paper properly? Does she doesn't ignore it or is it worth confronting? Like just making a comment. No, I don't know.

I feel like, I feel like if it keeps happening, like if it's something that you've discussed in the past and like it's still happening, I think that like that just shows a lack of respect. What about me continuing to leave in the cupboard doors open, is that a lack of respect? I think that's a fixer. Is that something that really bothers Natalie? Like has she mentioned it to you multiple times?

No, what really bothers Natalie, there's a variety of things I continue to do that bother Natalie. And that's why I ask, because it's like, listen, it's not like, there are certain things I've learned to accept that I have bad habits, you know what I'm saying? I've learned to accept that my brain works a certain way. I'm just not good at certain things.

And I'm always willing to work on things, I am, but they will always be a struggle for me. And like the person, for example, who never changes the toilet paper, you start dating this person, you start living with them. Have them over for the weekends, long weekend, you notice that they don't change the toilet paper. Well, let's assume that like now you're what, 25 years old,

like, oh, it's 25 years, you know? And let's say it's only been seven years since they've been out of the house maybe it's been because mom used to do that before that's the seven years of behavior that you're just expecting them to flip a switch and start remembering maybe maybe they can and I just don't think it's always as easy as asking I did like there's just some things where I'm just always gonna kind of be forgetful you know now I could be like oh my god the, oh babe, I'm gonna work on it. And I can spend the next three days being like,

you know what, I'm gonna fucking do this, man. I'm gonna commit to the bit. I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna close these cabinet doors. But because the way my brain works, it's just like, you know how much mental energy that takes me to make sure I fucking do that? Is it pathetic that I'm that inept when it closes the cupboard doors?

Sure, but it requires a lot more energy for me than other people. And I guess what I'm saying is, there it closes the cupboard doors, sure. But it requires a lot more energy for me than other people. And I guess what I'm saying is there's a certain amount of, and when I started dating a few months in, I kind of joked, I'm like, listen, there's some things you gotta understand about me. This will always be, I can work on this till the cows come home, but if you wanna be with me

for the rest of our lives, this is something I'm gonna struggle with. And I think when it comes to some of these pet peeves like that, there's things that we're just gonna have to accept about our partners because like are you really gonna break up with them because of the toilet paper? What I'm saying is I don't think it's I don't think it's disrespectful. I think you might be dealing with someone who'd like it's just like they're not good at things that you are. They don't prioritize things that you do and that's part of figuring. When you start dating

someone these little kind of pet peeves, the things that you take for granted that they don't do or vice versa, you can kind of have to learn how to accept that about someone. And yeah, it's not to say you can't ask them to work on things or try things, but yeah, I'm never. I agree, yeah.

You're never gonna close cabinet doors with 100% consistency. It's about like your reaction to the question, right? So like you- I will always apologize. I'll always say I'm working on it. Exactly. I'll always try harder. Because I don't expect Natalie to just put up with it,

but I need her to accept that this is partly who I am. How you operate. But I think that your reaction to it is so important. That's the make or break. Because you saying, I'm so sorry, this is something I'm working on, you're so right, is going to prevent her from ultimately resenting you for never doing it,

and that's important. Yeah, but there gets to a point where, I might say that the first time, but when you're in a relationship, and I think this is maybe just a metaphor for relationships in general, if you're the person, and if what I said to you kind of rings true about your relationship

for something else, you've had some version of this conversation with your partner Just close it on your own because if you've been dating them for a long period of time They don't need to fucking hear you every fucking time They fucked up it might just be easier for you to let's say shut the cabinet door Rather than being like oh fucking again. You did it. You know like That's a good point cuz I accept that if someone put the toilet paper the wrong way, that I would mentally just redo it myself. And if it's, yeah, toilet paper, if that's a bigger,

if that's a big deal for you, clearly it's not for them, then just fucking do it. Don't use it as something to weaponize against your partner and pick a fight, just to let them know how much of a loser they are, or were their brains stupid, you know what I'm saying? Like, I just feel like those are battles you can choose not to have in a relationship.

And I think those are the little things that when you are going through a relationship and you're hitting the lull and you're having maybe a season of disconnect, you can either choose to use that as a point of contention or you can shut the cabinet door. I agree with that. I just think that there's this thing

like weaponized incompetence where somebody will, you know, say that they don't know how to do something so that they don't have to do it. And so I think that as long as it's not that, like I don't know how to cook. I don't know how to wash the dishes. So then they get out of ever having to do those things. Oh, well, that's a learned skill.

Yeah. Like, yeah, forgetting to shut the cabinet doors, or being, like, it's kind of the being forgetful about some of these little things, you know? That's different than, like, being unwilling to do a chore. Exactly, yeah. Like, being respond, like, I'm unwilling to participate in this relationship.

Like, I'm not willing to participate in the broom aspect of our relationship, you know? Things that just need to get done, because, quote unquote, you don't know how to do it. Yeah, that's not the same as being like, hey, I have some bad habits that might pop up when I'm doing the things that we need to do as a couple. Yeah.

I have a good one, because this isn't like a habit. It might be more of an etiquette, talking through TV shows and movies. Because that's more of like a do we, like is that an etiquette thing, or is that like, that's just who they are? It's gotta be on the same page. You're either a couple who does

or you're a couple who doesn't. You can't be one or the other. So you would have to ditch it if one's one way and one's the other? Getting on the same page. Or get on the same page. Yeah, gotta get on the same page. That's something that you'd have to learn quicker

than closing the cabinet doors. That's not even something, yeah, you could, you can work, that's not the same, I don't think. Maybe, I don't, it's harder the same, I don't think, maybe. It's harder for me to answer that question because as people who watch television to recap and talk about and dissect it, like, you know, I now have a habit of like,

talking about it while watching it, but even then sometimes I'm talking a little too much and then, you know, but I recognize that. Like never before I did this, was I talking through movies or TV shows. That's just generally obnoxious. And if Natalie said, wait, Nick, I wanna watch this, you would shut up.

But even now when Natalie is just like, well, I can't hear the show because you're talking. And then I'll be like, yeah, you're right. Let's write it down or something like that. Yeah. What about snoring? Because I can imagine Leia's waking up in the middle of the night shaking her partner. Stop snoring. I I can imagine Leia's waking up in the middle night shaking her partner

So I'm snoring. I mean, that's just a red flag in terms of like that's a health red flag Like go in and deal with it. Sleep apnea potentially. Yeah. Yeah, we actually fixed the problem Switched pillows in it. Oh, he did snore. He used to snore and then we switched his pillow and he hasn't snores Yeah, there's like a million things you can look into if someone is snoring So maybe it's not ditch it or fix it, but it's talk it or embrace it. There you go. Here's one. They stopped taking care of their physical appearance.

And we got into this a bit a few episodes ago. Yeah, it's tough. Effort matters, you know? Yeah. Yeah, effort matters. Yeah, I mean, this one ties right into lack of ambition in general or like in their career. I say ditch it. Ditch it? D their career. I say ditch it.

I'm sorry. Ditch it. We're ditching. Yeah, I mean, again, it's depending on what we're talking about, you know. What if they're just in their rut? If you're a married couple, you know, like for you and Danny, for example, you're pregnant.

You've been married for a long time. Either of you might go, you might have, I don't know, you might be going, Danny might be going through something at work, I don't know, he's not his best self, and maybe he's not the most motivated man that you recognized from three years ago. Immediately you're not gonna get ditched his ass and be like, holy shit, you know,

you've really been kinda lazy, or you're just kinda feeling sorry for yourself, who is this, Danny, you know what I'm saying? I'm sure you would work with him, you know what I'm saying? And you have the history of the rapport, you know? And so like, yeah,, every couple, every individual will go through things, and if you're in a relationship,

you gotta work through that shit. But even then, I mean, if Danny all of a sudden just became this guy who's just like, I don't wanna go to work, I don't wanna do anything, eventually you might be forced to make a tough decision. On the flip side, if you're in a new relationship and you immediately start recognizing habits of just not taking care of themselves and just generally lazy and not very motivated

and kind of like, hey man, I just kind of work to live and I don't really care, whatever. I'm not knocking people who work to live, but if you're not that person, if you are an ambitious focused person who likes ambition is an attractiveness quality, and you find out that person early on is not, then yeah, fucking ditch it because it's not gonna get better. Yeah, no, I think that, you know, unfortunately there are times where people can change

and like a rut isn't a rut anymore and they're just different. And I think that like, yeah, I fell in love with Danny because he's ambitious and because he loves his career and his music and he's super hungry in that way and in life in general. And so like, if that suddenly went away, I would be like, you're not the same person

that you were when we fell in love. So yeah. All right. Final games. These are tough questions. Yeah. Well, let's know what you guys think in the comments. Please do.

We have another wild episode for you. As always, we appreciate you writing in and we always appreciate our callers doing so. We got some great ones for you, like I said. Don't forget to send in those questions at asknick at TheValFiles.com. For all things Ask Nick, texting office hours, mediation, you know the drill. Time for our callers. Question time with Nick. Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going? Hi, my name is Andrea.

I'm 29 and my friend is paying for a bachelorette trip and I think it's too expensive. Okay. I think we really struck a chord with a bachelorette commentary. I know it seems to be one of the biggest growing debates in our great nation of ours. You know, I think there's a lot of polarizing discussions and I think the bachelorette parties and the bride relationships is up there. It's a trending hot topic. Yeah, that's part of why I felt comfortable writing in about it because I think it has been something you guys have been covering a lot and it's not something that typically

I guess falls under like relationship categories, but it seems like it's... I just wasn't talking about it. It is a relationship. Yeah, no. Yeah, this is a relationship show. All, you know, obviously a lot of, there's romantic relationships we talk a lot about, but interpersonal relationships of any kind are complicated and messy. All right, so tell me about your situation.

Tell me about your, are you a bridesmaid? I am. Okay, tell me more, tell me more. Yeah, so this is, I said in my initial email that it was like a former best friend. We had kind of been going through some falling out. We were really close and I had made some life changes and I just felt like she wasn't super supportive of that.

So we had been working through some differences. I knew that she was going to be getting engaged because it had been planned out. She knew she was getting engaged. So she went on this trip. She got engaged, came back, she asked me to be a bridesmaid. And I was really hopeful that we were going to be able to repair our relationship. Around that time, it was a work in progress. So I was comfortable assuming the role of a bridesmaid I did accept the offer and then as weddings started to be planned like the weddings started to be planned the parties you know we weren't really repairing our relationship and Emma spells like this rift is like causing more attention she's kind of just like this is what

I want and you guys are going to pay for it energy as opposed to like, let's make this like a journey that we all go on together. And I know that you talk a lot about like, you know, when someone's getting married, it's their time and it's very much our responsibility to be there for them for whatever they need. I just think to want to do such elaborate things. She wants to go on a trip to a resort for her bachelorette and she planned it all and planned the excursions, planned the stay, planned everything and has very much been like, we're doing all of this and you guys are paying for it.

You're paying for me, you're paying for everything without any prior conversations of like, what's everyone's comfort level as far as price point. She never checked in with any of you guys. No, we all kind of knew where she was thinking about for the bachelorette. We had, as about, you know, she would say it's a joint party. Another factor too is I think that's important. Her groom has 10 groomsmen and there's only four bridesmaids.

So when we're talking about splitting things, it's very different, because he also obviously is supportive of his bride to be that we should be covering her costs, but it's very different because it's a much smaller group. Well, I'm confused by that last part. Why does his wedding party have anything to do with? It's a joint bachelor-bachelorette.

Oh, okay. So the couple planned a joint bachelor-bachelorette party which included all of his 10 groomsmen, her four bridesmaids, and then they planned a trip and then told you about the trip and said, here's the bill. Essentially, the way it had kind of played out was the maid of honor had set at Airbnb

that the bride had picked. And I've never been a bridesmaid to this extent. I'd been a bridesmaid in a much smaller wedding where we didn't do all these activities. So I didn't really know what to expect. So I had been confiding in friends, is this an average amount for a stay like this? And I had gotten mixed feedback, but is this like an average amount for a stay like this and I had gotten mixed feedback

But I was comfortable with the amount for the stay as far as where we were staying Airbnb wise now It was not mentioned when we were given that price that it was covering the bride's cost again I personally was comfortable with the price But that wasn't hold then Well, then isn't that isn't that good news because you already knew the price Yes, so it's like hey, this includes the bride. So you're like, oh, oh, so like it didn't cost you more money No, it didn't and that was fine. But then things kind of took it to the next level. I started hearing like in the streets She's talking about how she's so excited for the bachelorette party, and how she's gonna get to do all these

extravagant things because it's on her bridal party dime. Well, who'd you hear that from? You know, I started hearing that she was from, just like other people in like our social group would be like, oh, Brittany's super excited, I didn't realize you guys were doing such an elaborate trip. And then I was caught off guard, like, well, I wasn't told that we were

doing that so I immediately reached out to the maid of honor and said hey I think like we all need to sit down and have a conversation about budget because it doesn't really feel like everybody's on the same page. Okay yeah that makes sense I'm glad you did that because that was my next question. At what point are we reaching out to someone as opposed to gossiping? Yeah So you reached out? Yes, so I reached out as soon as I heard rumblings that it was more than what I had expected I've been reached out to the maid of honor to check in with her because I felt she's were all on the East Coast and the maid of honors on the West Coast

So we had a FaceTime call to talk face to face. I said hey, I just want to check in I feel like we haven't really been communicating a lot about what we're doing for this. I know the Airbnb is squared away. That's great. But I'm hearing about all these excursions and all these flights. And I just want to check in. And she essentially confirmed that we were doing all of those things and that we were covering all of those costs.

She had not really shed light on that to the group because I think she feels a little nervous about telling everybody like, Hey, we are going to have this financial obligation because this is what the bride wants. So she was worried about her solution to being worried about her response. Her solution to be worried about your response is to not tell everyone what they're going to owe? Essentially, she was like, yeah, I've talked to the bride about paying for her flight.

She expects us to pay for the flight, but I am nervous that everyone's not gonna be comfortable with that, so again, there just isn't a ton of communication. What's the bride's financial situation, as far as you know? The bride or the maid of honor? The bride, like what is her, like does she look, I mean I don't, you know, like I don't know, I guess you don't know her bank account,

but like what's your perception of her financial situation? She's, from what I gather, middle class. She does talk a lot about how much her fiance makes. She does. You know, he's done really well at his job and he has gotten promotions and you know, we've all been supportive of that, but she does like to talk about

how much he brings into their household pretty often. Okay, yeah. Okay, so you talked to the bridesmaid and basically her response was, I don't know if I can tell the bride or she was like nervous about communicating. Yeah, it seems like as we get closer to it, like she's like, I know I have to have these conversations. I just she kind

of feels like between a rock and a hard place in the sense of like, she, like all of us want to give the bride what she wants. But she's nervous. Sure, as long as it's a reasonable request. It's like, holy shit. I mean, these are just your words. I'm not saying you're not painting an accurate picture, but the picture you are painting is that we have this, like everyone, including myself and anyone listening now

to this episode is like, this fucking bitch is just like, you know, like, you know, the idea like that it's your wedding, and I'm talking about the bride, where it's just like like a wedding or a bachelorette trip is not some sort of like I get to get everything I want and everyone gets to pay for it and you know that's not how it should work and with no consideration to how much money anyone might make I mean that's your you're paying this very self-centered picture of the bride.

Is that your read about her? I don't wanna say that that's what I think of her in regards to this specific situation. I do feel that way. She has kind of like, I knew she was gonna be very into her wedding as every bride should be, but she has been very like, it's my wedding

and we have other friends who are in serious relationships and the tone is very much like, nobody better get engaged this year, this is very much my year. And I think that she's very- Excuse me, what? Is that a real thing? She said that?

Yeah, I mean her, I feel, oh, I'm getting so specific. Her sister got engaged a few months after she did and she was very upset with her sister. And I'm like, well, the sister wasn't the one who proposed. Like your sister didn't propose. Wait, are you serious? She got upset with her sister for getting engaged? Yeah. Yeah. And I think that my tone and my stance in this is, you know, I am a little bit bitter and I think I'm bitter because of like the history

that her and I have had. Tell me a little bit about your history. Why are, you know, cause usually I will say when you first called up and you're like, hey, I'm upset with the bride about this money situation. It almost kind of sounded like you bringing up the past was a way to justify you being upset about her now. Yeah.

And it sounded more like, it sounded more like an excuse than an actual reason. I'm like, why are you bringing up the past? I was like, just so you know, we've been on ads. And I'm like, okay, you know what I'm saying? It almost came across as you trying to defend your position before you told me your position. And you're like, just so you know, I kind of fucking hate this person anyways.

And it's kind of like, that has nothing to do with the situation. But I am curious about, you know, the more you share about this bribe, the more my jaw is on the floor. It's an absurd thing to expect your friends and family to designate an entire year for your love story and to not be happy for your own sister's engagement because somehow it fell in the same year of your engagement story and to not be happy for your own sister's engagement because somehow

it fell in the same year of your engagement is a wild fucking position. Yeah. I mean, when it came down to like the bachelorette trip of it all, you know, when I was talking with the maid of honor, she's like asking me if this is normal. Is this normal? I said, listen, I think if these were her expectations, because I know every bride is different. I actually just listened to the aesthetic episode that was just put out, and there was, you know, what like expectations are as bridesmaids. Like you had mentioned that Natalie has maybe

less expectations because of her, your guys' situation, and with River versus maybe somebody else who requires more. And I had said, like, if this is her expectation, I just think that there should have been a conversation of what was budget friendly for everybody. If you're the bride that wants everyone to treat you and you want this trip where your bridesmaids treat you, I can understand if that's what your expectation is, but you have to be considerate of other people's budgets. And that was where my stance was. But in regards to our history, we were very close. About two years ago, we had really established a strong friendship. I was getting

out of a 10-year relationship, getting back on my own two feet. And her and her partner were really, really significant in helping me get back on my feet. And I really appreciated them. I wasn't in a great place. I'm kind of like dating red flags, getting back out there. And I really relied on them for support. Now when I started to kind of get back on my feet and get really healthy, I got really in shape and I decided to live like a sober lifestyle. I wasn't drinking anymore.

She was not supportive of those things. and that kind of created a rift. It was like she didn't like seeing these changes in me and it hurt me because I would say like, I'm really happy and I want you to be like happy for me and support me in these decisions and it felt like indirectly she would say things that would, like it would be like backhanded compliments. Like what?

I mean, so like specifically you working out that would, like it would be like backhanded compliments. Like what? Yeah, I'd be, um. I mean, so like, specifically you, you working out and you getting sobered, those two things she had a problem with? Um, I wouldn't say she directly had a problem with them. You know, I was definitely exuding some confidence and feeling good about myself, and she would make comments about maybe like my body

or the way that I looked at different things, and obviously I attributed that to like, an insecurity that she has. We talked about bridesmaids dresses. And, you know, it's a trend right now to have various styles of bridesmaids dresses. And I had said to her, I said, you know, you have a really great group of girls. And this was before she had formally asked the bridesmaids, but we I already kind of knew who was going to be in the group.

I said, I think you have a really good group. You could do the same style of dress if you wanted. And she would say, you know, yeah, everyone's like really in shape and really tone and has nice, you know, has a nice butt and you're just tall and skinny. And I it was, it was really hurtful. And you know, I talked to other friends of mine, they're like, you know, why are you maintaining this friendship? And truthfully, it felt like I was ready to maybe put the boundary up and walk away. And the obstacle at this point feels very much like

I have this obligation for the wedding. I mean, what did you say to that comment though? Like, did you say, well, that's very, that's hurtful for you to say? Can you like, you know how hard I've been working on, you know, whatever, my body or the gym. I mean- I had said something similar to that,

that I was actually feeling really confident and then she has been on her own journey as well and I've been supportive of that. She had said something, you know, well, when I'm around you, I feel like I can't, like I have to, if I know we're hanging out, I have to like eat salads for a week. And I had said to her, I said,

well, you know that I'm like very supportive,osed you should never feel that way about our friendship, you know, like you shouldn't have to feel that way and have you ever asked her to Change her diet when she's around you No No We would talk about her hitting like roadblocks and like her fitness journey and I would suggest maybe trying like something that I've done That's worked for me or like Hey, like let's look at apps or do you want to try my gym? Just suggestions, but I think that she looks great So I don't necessarily have feedback that like she needs to be making a change

It's just if she expressed an insecurity, I'd be like, well, why don't we try this? Sure kind of thing, but no I've never my opinion, if I just saw her down the street, I would think that she was like an in shape, you know, good looking girl. Gotcha. Gotcha. All right. So back to the wedding. Yeah, it just sounds like a lot of projecting here on her part.

I don't know. I feel like, I feel like the... Well, since I wrote in, I've kind of come up with a solution that I feel like will work for me. So I'd love to hear how you feel about it. Sure. So when we booked the Airbnb, we paid a deposit and then we were going to have to pay the remaining amount over a course of time. And my biggest obstacle was like, what? I'm very nervous to have the conversation that like I don't want to go and me

Not wanting to go is strictly like I mean obviously I feel have the feelings that I have but when it comes to the trip It is a big financial obligation. You know, I have a younger sibling that I have custody of that I have financially responsible for and I have a lot of Responsibility there. So this trip is just like I'm losing sleep at night. So my solution was that I would pay the remaining balance on the Airbnb so I don't put anyone out any money and just tell her that like obviously explained to her that I can't go and that it's just too stressful for me that I don't want that stressful energy coming into her wedding or her bachelorette party and just paying the balance and just saying

that I'm not going to go because then I'm not putting anyone out any money but then I'm also saving myself the ton of money that I would have to spend to actually go on the trip. Like the plane ticket and things like that. The plane ticket, the excursions, there's a list of excursions she had sent out and they're like, all of them. Have you talked to the other three bridesmaids? Just yesterday, one of the bridesmaids reached out to me. However, she is someone who's not going on the trip.

She had expressed that she could not swing it financially. Now she's down to two? Well, so she wasn't in the original count of the four. Gotcha. But either way, she's down. So there's five of us, but then, yeah. So now she's down to three, potentially. Yeah, if I don't go, then yeah.

She's down to three, okay. And these excursions, are they set in stone? Has anyone committed? No. Does the bride have any idea about what's going on? So the girl I spoke to yesterday said that she, when she told her she wasn't going,

and her and I were talking about something separate and she asked me if I was excited for Puerto Rico, or the trip, it's in Puerto Rico. And she, I was like, yeah, I'm excited, but to be honest with you, I'm a little stressed about it financially. And she said that was like, yeah, I'm excited, but to be honest with you, I'm a little stressed about it financially. And she said that she had spoken to her and when she spoke to her, she said, listen,

it's a lot to ask a group of people to do all of these things within a short period of time to get engaged, to have a bachelor and to get married all within a year. It is a lot and that's part of why she can't go. So she did express that she thought it was too much. Now when she was talking to me, she was being a little loose-lipped.

I don't know that she said those things to her the way she said them to me. And I don't really know this girl that well, so I kept it very like, yeah, I don't know what I'm gonna do. I'm still thinking about it, like how to just left it up in the air. But what was her, what did she say the bride's feedback was?

She didn't really say, she just said to me, if you do decide not to go and she's not receptive of that, that's her problem. I said, listen, I don't expect her to call me a hero by saying, hey, I don't think I can swing this trip. I expect her to be a little bit upset, but I'm hopeful that she understands where the reasoning is.

And as far as the grand scheme of it all are. She's budgeting her friends out of her own Bachelorette trip. It's like, how much do you wanna go jet skiing? By yourself, yay! Her Bachelorette trip is turning into, she's gonna go zip-lining by herself for free on her Bachelorette's dime, who can't afford it to go themselves.

But as long as she can go with her fiance and his boys. Yeah, and it's sad because I don't want this to be her experience. Obviously I think between her and I, there's a bigger conversation that needs to be had, but my whole thought process has just been like, this is her time and I there's a bigger conversation that needs to be had but my whole thought process has just been like This is her time and I'd rather have that conversation after all this is over with because I'm sure she can feel the energy shift in me and like my

You know, I'm not as maybe we're not talking as much radio I'm not as involved in things because there is a shift in energy But I just think that that's a conversation for like after her special, you know, time. No, I agree. Well, listen, I think your plan is fine. It's noble. I don't even think you're in, you know, you have to do that. Like, that's a nice thing for you to do, to be willing to cover the end that you already agreed to cover, even though you decided you can't go. That's, you know, I don't want to say that's the right thing to do, but it's the very nice thing to do. And to clarify, I think this is probably my bad

when I talk about our wedding and expectations of the wedding. Like, now and I, we're paying for our wedding. Like, wedding is on us. I know that's not always the case. I think a lot of people have parents who pay for it. But when you pay for your own wedding, your wedding's your day.

In terms of the meaning of it, what you want, it's really your, it is. I truly believe it's your friend's responsibility to support you however they can. But I also, like I said, me specifically, but I think Nally has followed suit, but when I say it's your day, it's really, you know, I do that to set our own expectations to ensure we enjoy our day.

We have a great turnout, a lot of, you know, like we're choosing to have a wedding that's requiring a lot of people to travel. We're choosing, you know, a place that's not the most convenient thing for everyone. So we understand that some people just might not be able to go. And so having

the expectation like this is our day, the only thing that matters is us getting married. So we're not, you know, anyone who's like, hey, sorry, can't make it. It's not like, we're not losing our shit. Now, now and I aren't like having discussion a lot of can you believe there and so and so can't come. It's just like, yeah, they can't come, you know, it's not the end of the world. In terms of our expectations of what we want at our wedding, we're paying for it. So it's gonna be our day.

If someone else is paying for your wedding or paying for your bachelorette party, I don't think you get to have exactly the same expectations. When I say it's your wedding, that doesn't mean it's your right to go out and demand people to pay for yourself. whether it's the Bachelorette party whether it's a shower of some kind whether it's the wedding itself that that's not what I mean when I say it's you know it's it's your day and everyone

else and all your friends and family it's their job to support you I don't mean financially if they can do that great you're very lucky but I don't you know as someone who's paying for their own wedding, it's not my expectation that friends and family are supposed to step up and treat you for a, you know, a destination trip that you've always wanted to go on, on their dime. That is not my interpretation of what a wedding should be. That's just my opinion. It sounds like obviously some people have that in their mind. So there's that. Second of all, specific to you, I think it's really important for you,

and this is a general note, is to separate, I guess, conflict, especially when things are intertwined. You are just gonna make more sense to her if you ever do communicate with her about the wedding by leaving out whatever past you have. Bringing up old shit to make a point about something you're currently dealing with

is the best way to derail a conversation. You know, I'm sure you've probably done it. Everyone's done it in a fight, but we all hate it when it's done to us. You're fighting with your partner about one thing. You make this strong point, be like, hey, it really bothers me when you, you know, hey, can I talk to you about something?

It really frustrated me when you did X, Y, or Z. And then your partner's like, well, eight years ago, you did blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and you're like, what the fuck? What does that have to do with this? You know what I'm saying? And I think it's something we all do. And so you've got to be really careful

not to bring up old baggage with her, which again, like you said, is a conversation maybe for a later day, and it's a conversation you might need to have. But if you are gonna communicate with her, even to yourself, you have to stop bringing up your past to justify how you feel about this current situation. One has nothing to do with the other,

as far as I'm concerned. If you had called me up, right, and we talked, and you were just like, and your story was exactly the same about how she's handling her Bachelorette party, but you were just like, you know, it's so crazy because it's catching me off guard and we have the best relationships and she's always been a supportive friend, she always the most understanding person in the world, and like she's the most empathetic person, she's always been my support system, she's truly the world's greatest friend, and why this is like catching me off,

you know, so this is really catching me off guard, it wouldn't change how I feel about what advice I would give you for the bachelorette party You know what I'm saying? So for your own sake, you know, you have to try to separate the two because You you lose the argument, you know It's like it just you sound like the petty partner who's bringing up old shit to win a current argument And so you will lose a little bit of, I guess. Credibility. Credibility with her, thank you.

If you were to bring that up in any way possible, if you were to bring up the past, or if you were to bring up past frustrations, it will sound like you're making this decision out of spite. It would sound like your past history is influencing how you feel about the present. And the truth is, her decision about how she's handling the Bachelorette Party is kind of bizarre.

It's a little self-centered. And yeah, I understand that you are giving me context about who the person we're dealing with, but as far as your sake, it doesn't do you any good because this situation is clear on its own. The fact that she might have a bit of a self-centered personality doesn't really change anything as far as handling this. Does that make sense?

No, it does. And I think it's more of like I'm saying it out loud because it makes me feel less guilty for wanting to make this decision, but you're right, the way it's being handled and the way it's been presented is on its own, is enough of a reason to say, hey, I just can't do this, but I just.

Yeah, and I think we all do that. I think just a general note for you in the future, you don't need to justify to yourself. Like when you do that, you're either A, that's you admitting to yourself that maybe you're mad for the wrong reasons. And again, in this particular situation, I don't think you are.

But it's almost a sign, like, it's like, what's the phrase, doubts, protests too much, or how do you say it? Am I saying that right? That's what it kind of comes across as. It's like, you don't need to bring that up to make your point here. It weakens your argument, you know?

And I think we always do that. It's just like, you know, well, well, they also did this and this and that, and this, like, and then that's why I feel the way I do. It's just like, you know, well, they also did this and this and that and this like, then that's why I feel the way I do. It's just like, oh, really? Is it? You know? I think you need to call the bride about this, not about the past, about this.

I don't think she needs to hear it from the maid of honor. And I don't know how she's going to handle it. But I do think it would be fair. When's the Bachelorette party? How far away are we? We are, it's in July. Okay, so you got some time. But you got some time.

Yeah. I think you call her up on the phone, preferably a FaceTime. You know, the tougher the conversation, the more ways of communicating you should include. You know what I'm saying? Like, I think last week I went off on about don't text serious conversations. That point still stands.

Definitely don't text this conversation. But a face-to-face is always the best. Second best is FaceTime, then the phone call, then text. And I say that because again, when you're in someone's presence, you can read their body language, you can get a sense of how they're feeling, you can get a sense of they're getting triggered.

Certainly that's, you know, you can do a little bit of that on FaceTime, but it's not quite the same as in person. There's a certain energy people give off in person that people tend to read, especially women, they're more intuitive that way. And so again, the more important the conversation, the more forms of communication, body language, eye contact, verbal cues,

tone, things like that. So if you can't have this face to face, I would FaceTime her. And if you can't FaceTime her, I would call, but I would definitely not text. And you just say, hey, I'd love to talk to you about the Bachelorette party. Have you had that, you have called her? No, so it's not difficult for me

to have a face to face with her. Typically when we've had conflict, we do meet face to face. She to face with her. Typically, when we've had conflict, we do meet face to face. She obviously lives with her partner. So I would typically ask to meet her out somewhere just because obviously it ends up kind of he's very outspoken. And I really like him. I think he's great, but he will very much like interject. And then it feels like, you know, I can't really speak my piece. But I do plan on having a conversation with her. I did want to hear how you thought about the decision

I was making, because again, like just coming from a perspective of like, I haven't been in these situations before, like I don't know if I'm kind of just like being a cheap crybaby or if this is unreasonable. So I had this plan, I did want to hear your feedback but I feel prepared to have a face-to-face with her just to simply say, hey, I just cannot swing this

for X, Y, and Z reasons. But I do appreciate the perspective of leaving all the other mumbo jumbo out of it. Yeah, and I guess I think you make it less about you, and I think you make it about your concern for her. And your concern for her is to make sure she does in fact have a great Batch Red experience. And I don't know, I gotta guess that despite her excitement

for this trip and all these excursions, and this is coming from a guy who fucking hates excursions on a trip, to me it's just like, why would I cannibalize my whole day to pay some sort of outrageous price like I don't need an itinerary on vacation to me that's not fun you know and excursions are always like wake up at five in the morning and get in a van drive into the fucking jungle and then like you know I don't know that's just me I could go on and on but like whatever

but I got to assume even for the person who loves a good excursion, that doing it by themselves isn't that fun. And I don't know what's going to make the best bachelorette party for her, but I got to assume is celebrating it with the people she thinks she's closest with, to me, would be the best possible experience. So you sit her down and say, hey, listen, obviously, like, I hope you know that I really want you to have an amazing wedding, obviously. And I want you to have a great bachelorette party. But you know my financial situation, I mean, supporting another human, you know, your sibling, that's a huge, obviously, expense. But it's not also just coming from you.

And it's a fine line between speaking for yourself and speaking for a group. But you're just like, hey, listen, I want you to have it. But I think there's a lot of concerns and I'm just speaking for myself about people's ability to afford this. And right now, obviously I'm committed to supporting what I've agreed to support, but if you want to do all those things, which I don't want to get in the way of, I really can't afford it. and I am concerned about other people, and like, I want to be there, I really want to be there. So you gotta act like you want to be there.

And that's the big thing, it's like, are you prepared to still go if she is willing to back down on some of these other expenses? Because your argument would be a lot stronger if it's just like, listen, I really want to go, it sounds like a lot of fun, I've been really excited to go, but like, these expenses are adding up, and I can't cover it, and I'm wanna go, it sounds like a lot of fun, I've been really excited to go, but these expenses are adding up and I can't cover it. And I'm a little concerned about other people

not covering it. Becky, I always say Becky when I make up a name, but Becky, she can't make it, and now it's just like, I want, don't you want your girls with you? Because you're kind of, you're budgeting your friends out of your own bachelorette party. And I don't know who we're dealing with, I don't know if we're dealing with someone

who's kind of like a five year old who's gonna stomp her feet and throw a fit and act like this is my party and why am I not getting my way? But that's a very reasonable thing to say. Where is it written that your bachelorette, that their wedding party is supposed to pay for any trip that you want.

Like if she decided she wanted to go to Paris, France, you know, and have a first class ticket, cause she's, you know, is that, is that a thing? I don't know. I don't think it is. When did that become a thing? Yeah, I don't, I think every like bride has different expectations.

I have a friend of mine who went through all of this recently and she kind of had that like, you know plastered all over social media picture perfect bride experience and I had asked her you know Did your group pay for these trips and she said that they were trips that she wanted to go on that She paid her own way and opened the door to anybody who could come that could afford it. Yeah I mean listen, I don't think there's a standard rule. I've been on Bachelorette parties I went on one Bachelorette party with a friend and, you know, he had all his buddies.

It wasn't just his wedding party. It was like him and like 25 dudes. And yeah, we all paid for a house in Cabo. We paid for the excursions. I think the groom paid for his own plane ticket. And I think we covered the house and I think we covered the activities. But there was also 20 of us. And so it was like a, you know so it was like 250 bucks a guy.

You know, to some, you know. I'm not here to say what's a lot of money to everyone, but I think it's a case by case basis. I don't think the golden rule is that the bride or groom get to, it's all of a sudden like you win on the prices right and you get to pick whatever trip you wanna go on and you get to do whatever you want and everyone just like you know as if it's like your kids college fun like I've been planning for this for 18 years for my kid to go

to Harvard I'm prepared it's like well if you're friends with this person you've been planning on this bill showing up at your door because Becky wants to have the greatest bachelorette party of all time you're like all right well you know this is the cost of being her friend. Like, I don't think that's how it works. I don't know, you know. No, I don't think so. There, I mean, I obviously was prepared to be like, you know, we'll treat for dinners and buying drinks and things of that nature. But there was like talks of, you know, I had made us, when I talked to me in a manner, I said, listen, like, you know, I'm prepared to like pay for dinners and treat her to things. I said, but you know,

every time I go get like a coffee and a bagel in the morning, like I am I whipping am I expected to like whip my card out and she kind of set the president that that was the case, but she'll cover it if people aren't comfortable with it. There was even a suggestion of like, hey, you guys should donate plasma if you can't afford this trip. It's just like, I don't know what's normal. I mean, I certainly know that that's not normal. But it's- Are brides like this? Is this a normal thing?

I just like, it's, there might be an expectation of like the groom I was telling you about. I can assure you that at no point was his expectation that everyone was supposed to like cover his bachelor party. That's what makes giving fun. You know, giving is not a selfless act. Obviously, when we give, you feel good about yourself, right? And it's easier to give when you know your gift is appreciated.

Your friend who's actually going around acting like they're here to collect their whole life, they've been dreaming about this free trip they get to go on on their Bachelorette's dime is not a way to make people excited about giving. I don't know where this at, but we are talking about someone who got mad at her own sister for getting engaged, so that is. Yeah, I mean, that's also part of it too.

It's so hard to want to be so generous or even stretch my budget for someone feels that like they're entitled or just like, it's my obligation to do it. If it was felt more appreciated or like, oh my gosh, I can't believe you guys wanna do this for us, there was this text like, thank you guys so much for doing this.

And I'm like, well, we didn't really have a choice. Yeah. Anyways, yeah, I think your plan is a fine plan. The only problem with your plan is, it's almost like what I suspect. I'm basing this silly on the idea that we're dealing with someone who got mad at her own sister for getting engaged.

That is an alarming truth. To be so self-centered about your own love story that you can't be happy for your own sister when, as you pointed out, it's not as if your sister necessarily, even if she, like, I don't, it doesn't even matter. It doesn't even matter. Of course, her sister had some idea that her fiance was going to propose at some point, and did she really expect her sister to go to her fiance and say, hey listen, I know we wanted to get engaged, but my sister just got engaged two months ago,

so we have to basically put our lives and our relationship on hold, so that my sister can feel important or special? That's fucking crazy. Like, that's crazy. Anyway, so that is who we're dealing with, so remember that, because I guess the reason I pointed out is like your plan might be completely under, like, I guess my question to you is how would

you feel that you're still willing to foot whatever amount of money to not go on a trip and still have your friend, the bride be just as angry at you with you as if you were paying nothing? The reason I wanna pay the remainder of money is less about covering her costs and more about not making the other girls have to pay more because of me. Okay, I'm glad, that's a great answer.

Because I think you should be prepared for the bride to not give a shit what you're willing to do. But my hope is that you can sit this friend down and say, I want you to have the best possible bachelorette party. This is your party. This is not my party. So I'm not here to tell you what to do and plan it, but I don't have a money tree. I don't have a fiance who's crushing life at work. What I do have is a sibling I have to financially take care of. That being said, I do work, I do have money,

and I wanna be a part of it, but I'm being budgeted out of your bachelorette party. It's not a matter of want, it's a matter of can, and I can't afford this. And also, so-and-so can't afford it either. And now you're down to these other three girls, which by the way, I think there's a lot of concerns for them to be able to afford it.

So like I'm concerned about the energy of your Bachelorette party and like art, like again, if you really wanna go jet skiing all weekend, I don't wanna stop you. But I want you to celebrate it with your friends. I wanna be there for you too. And so is there a middle ground here? Because there's a vibe that like,

you have an expectation of a free trip. And that's, I don't know where that came from. Yeah, I don't know. I think she's seen other people's wedding experiences and maybe to the eye, she just assumed like, oh, everybody did this for her. But truthfully, even if we wanted to do something for her, we haven't been given the opportunity to plan anything

because it's just been handed to us. Well, you know what they say about comparison, it's a thief of joy. These other friends that she sees having the world's greatest batch rep party, does she know every detail also? I'm guessing they probably aren't the type of people who would be jealous of their own sister getting engaged two months later. And I don't think people realize people are a lot more willing to be generous for people who again will appreciate it.

So these other people she sees having Bachelorette's party that are quote unquote paid for, are they really? First of all, we don't really know the transactions going on. And B, you know, maybe they aren't so demanding and maybe they didn't approach their own wedding, you know, the bachelorette party the same way your friend did. So the fact that your friend is comparing other people, there's so many variables that go into these decisions. And for us, for anyone to sit there and be like, well, that's the type of bachelorette party I wanted and this is how I, these are my expectations. Maybe quite honestly, those people are better friends, you know, and the other people are like, you know what?

They've been such a good friend to me. They've always had my back. They've always been giving. They've always been generous. They've done nothing about, they've done nothing but think of others before they thought of themselves. And so we really want to step up and give to this person. The bachelor I'm referring to, great guy.

Actually everyone knows him, I'm not gonna say his name. But like super generous guy, super humble, never expects anything from people, never asks, you know what I'm saying? So like it's like of course we're gonna like do this for this guy, you know? He's the nicest fucking guy in the world. It's easy to wanna give to people who don't expect anything.

And here you are, your friend, and seeing everyone else get something, so now what does she want? She expects people to give to her, and she goes about it in a way that makes people go like, I don't know. And it's not even happening, because this is more about budget.

So I'm just kind of rambling about your friend. This is really not really helpful information to you, but. No, it is helpful. It is helpful because I've really been struggling with the, you know, I listen to your show a lot and I try to really look inward as opposed to like wanting to point the finger at like someone being wrong. Like it's like, am I being selfish?

Am I considering all options? And not that I want the validation of like, she's not handling it right, but it makes me feel less guilty. Like, okay, like I'm not just being dramatic about the situation, about this situation at hand, not the other stuff, just this one in particular. Like there's the logistics of the finances and everything,

but I still do feel guilty that I feel this way about it. Yeah. I hear you. I still do feel guilty that I feel this way about it. Yeah. I hear ya. I couldn't imagine someone, like again, now that I chose a certain place to have our wedding, knowing that for some people, it wasn't a super convenient place to get to. Plane tickets, you know, it's not the cheapest flight.

It's not the cheapest trip. For us to be upset with anyone who couldn't make it because of the financial costs, I think that would be absurd. We chose our place because that's where we wanted to get married. And so when I say it's your wedding, it's your day, you should worry about yourself, that's what I mean.

I mean that we chose this place because we weren't thinking about what all of our guests would want and what would be the most convenient and what would be the most convenient and what would be the most affordable. Nellie and I sat down and said, where do we wanna get married? Where do we wanna celebrate our love? This is the place, great.

We made that decision not considering anyone else but ourselves. I mean, I'm being a little extreme when I say that because that's not actually true. We actually considered things like her elderly grandparents and things like that, but the point still stands, like it was our day. But when we made that decision

about where we wanted to get married, we still were honest with ourselves about how that might affect other people. Like once we made the decision about where we wanted to get married, then we were then quote unquote empathetic about how that might impact people. And the reason why we had that thought is because when we start getting the RSVPs,

we realize that not everyone's going to be able to make our wedding based on where we wanted to get married, but that's our choice. That doesn't mean we were going to get mad at everyone who couldn't make it. It's like, well, it's our wedding and we picked this spot. So you need to fucking go. It's like, that's not how it works. How it works is you get to pick where you want because it's your wedding. You don't have to explain why you want to do something for your wedding. You don't have to explain why you wanna do something for your wedding.

You know what I'm saying? When it comes to our wedding, there are certain things that we are doing. In terms of first dances or who's walking who and yada, yada, yada. And we're not asking anyone's permission. We don't care how anyone feels about it. But because it's our wedding.

But if people wanna get up, people have a right to feel, I guess is what I'm saying. So we're just not bothering ourselves with how people are gonna react to our decisions. You know, so am I making sense? It's like, for us to choose this, for us to make decisions about our wedding is our call. And all we have done after we've made a decision

is to confidently know that the reason for this decision is because this day is about us and our love and how we wanna celebrate it. But we are not telling other people how to feel about it. We're just simply not gonna care. You know? So if so and so is like, well, I wanted so and so to come and I thought you should do it this way.

We're like, yeah, thanks for the feedback, but this is our wedding. But we're not mad that they're mad. Does that make sense? You know, we're not mad. How could so and so feel? It's like, you can feel how you want. We're not, but this is our wedding.

We don't have expectations of our guests. We have only expectations of ourselves. We're allowing our guests to show up and support us, but we're not worried about what they think or feel. You know, am I making sense? Yeah. So. Yeah, it's not, it's your wedding

because you guys decided what you wanted to do. It's not about what other people. So when I say it's your wedding and you could do what you want, that's not me saying to anyone listening, you get to start telling people how to feel and what to do and you have to expect everyone to show up with, you know, a great smile.

And you know, that's not what I'm saying. You know, what I'm saying is plan your wedding and not care about how people think or feel about your day and focus about what you two want. And as long as you two are happy, then nothing else matters. That's not what your bride is doing. She is planning her wedding and then expecting everyone

to feel how she feels, which is crazy. Like no one, you know, that's nuts. But yeah, but my point still stands. I think the best way to handle this is to sit her down and make it about her day. Don't make it about, I wouldn't lead with, listen, I think the best way to handle this is to sit her down and make it about her day. Don't make it about, I wouldn't lead with, listen, I can't afford your wedding. Because I think you're making it about you.

As much as you can, be like, well, I want you to have the best bachelorette possible, but it's becoming harder and harder for, I'm worried that it's not gonna happen because some people can't afford this. And is there a way we can still give you an amazing bachelorette experience? Because honestly, we really want that.

All us girls have been talking, we really want you to be happy. We're just concerned we're gonna disappoint you. Because like, we just can't afford some of this. And I wish I could. And if I had this money, I would gladly do it. But it's not a matter of want, it's a matter of can. So can we, is there a middle ground here?

Because I really want you to have an amazing time. I think that's how you position it. You're positioned about wanting her to have a great time. And you're worried that you and the other girls aren't gonna be able to do it. And you just say, right now, the only option I have right now is to pay for what I agreed to pay and then not come

because I can't afford this other stuff. And I don't to tell you no. You know? So is there any, is there a middle ground? And you just kind of ask. That's the best approach. I don't know if it's gonna land and she still might get pissed

but that is definitely the best approach. Yeah, I want to approach it like the best way possible and I want her to feel thought of and considered. I just want to have this conversation and I'm most like, get it. Because it is such a weight, so I'm happy to hear your feedback. You just don't wanna show up and be like,

hey, you're asking too much. We can't afford this. That's not how you wanna, you know. Sure. You empathize, I get it. I know when I find what you have, I have a lot of hopes and dreams from a Bachelorette party too.

So I totally get where you're coming from. I'm just concerned. We're not going to be able to give you what you want. And then I'm concerned about not meeting your expectations because I really want you to have a great time. But like, I just can't, I can't cover this. I just can't. I have bills and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Like I just, I can't, I can't go in, I just can't. I have bills and blah blah blah blah blah. Like I just, I can't. I can't go in debt for your wedding. Yeah. You know, and we already know so and so's not coming because she can't afford it. So like, is there a middle ground other than you finding richer friends? Yeah.

You know, and it's like, so you ask her. That's what I'm saying. You empower her to make her a decision. And that's, you know, so don't tell her what the solution is, ask her. What do you think the solution is? Because you present the problem, and then you ask her to offer the solution.

And that will make her feel empowered, and it'll make her feel like it's her decision. It'll make her feel like she's still in control, potentially. Again, we're still talking about someone who got mad that her sister got engaged. So I don't have a ton of hope, but it is definitely the best approach because you're giving her a chance

to still make a decision about what she wants for her Bachelorette party. You're giving her an opportunity though to empathize with her friends along the way. And we'll see if she takes the bait. Yeah, for sure. All right. Well, thank, for sure. All right. Well, thank you so much.

All right. Well, please keep us posted on how this goes down. I certainly will. I get it. Does she want to go jet skiing by herself? You know, that's what that's coming down to. She already has a smaller, she has a smaller Bachelorette party than her husband,

and two of the five people already can't come. And then the other three who can come are super pissed that they're going to be out of pocket because when you don't pay for the jet skiing, that jet skiing cost is going up for the other three. Yeah. So. Yeah. And I thought about that too.

But again, like this is something that maybe she can adjust her expectations or mr rich or mr financially successful boyfriend can fit the fucking bill yeah if he wanted his bride to have such a happy experience i tell you what if now he wanted to go i'm i keep saying jet skiing on ziplining and whatever i don't know what the fuck you do. You know. It's like cave hiking or something. Sure. All right, well, if she really wanted to do that, I would be like, well, babe, if it's that important for you, I got it.

I'm in a position to do that. I don't know what this guy is, if he's as successful as she claims to be, but if he is, then he should be fitting the bill. So, sometimes we can't afford things. It's, it is a part of life. Yeah, I also think the mindset should be like, I wanna do this because it's my time

and anybody who can do it is welcome to come. But if I can't do it on my own, then I'm not gonna expect other people to do it. Exactly. Keep us posted. Hope, I wanna hear about what the, you know, how this friend handles it. Yeah, how the combo goes.

All right, well, thanks for the call. Yeah, thank the combo goes. All right, well thanks for the call. Yeah, thank you so much. All right, talk to you later. Bye. Bye-bye. This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Listen, therapy, it's important. What more can I say? It's helped so many people work through their issues

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What happens when 20 extremely athletic Canadians who thrive on competition and won't settle for less than number one find themselves on a team? Taking on jaw dropping obstacles all across Canada is one thing working together on a team with some pretty big personalities is another. It's a new season of Canada's Ultimate Challenge and sparks are gonna fly. New episode Sundays watch free on CBC Gem. How's it going? Good. What's your name? My name is Trixie. How can we help Trixie? My husband wants me to work a miserable job. What is that job? Um, well I mean I don't think he

cares what it is necessarily just that he doesn't want me to go to school to do the job that I want to do. Do you have a job now? I'm currently staying home with our five-year-old daughter. My sister was watching her previously. So I was in property management. And from the time she was born, my sister was watching her until she was about four, and then they moved to another state.

So then we decided at that time that I would stay home with our daughter because it was such a short time until she got into school full-time and then reevaluate. So I guess the issue is that really what it comes down to is that after I had my daughter I was feeling a lot more stress at home and so

The job that I was doing previously I didn't feel like I could function in that job without feeling like I was gonna have a nervous breakdown every day What was the job? I was an assistant property manager for industrial warehouse buildings. Okay. You want to go back to school? Yes. So since I've been staying at home, I've been trying to think of things that I could do, you know, when it's time for me to go back to work next year, that would bring me joy

in my life. And when you say back to work next year, is that because your daughter will be like in school? Which will allow you to work? Yes. She'll be in school full time and so then she won't require daycare. I just haven't felt like that was the best fit for her, which is why I'm at home with her right now.

So you've been thinking about, okay, well now I had this job, I really didn't like it. This is really more about your husband doesn't want to support you going back to school to make some sort of career shift so that you have a chance to like your profession. And less about him wanting to have you work a job you hate. Correct, but when we were having the discussion,

and I brought it up to him, he said millions of people work miserable jobs every day. So like, why can't you just be like other Americans? Yeah. And I just, I just don't feel like that's right. And it's not that I didn't like my profession before. I liked it until I had my daughter. And then- So let's, let's time out for a second. Let's forget that he I had my daughter and then. So let's time out for a second. Let's forget that he made that comment. I mean, because like to me,

that sounds like a comment he made in a fight and you are holding on to that comment and you hate him for it and yada, yada, yada. But let's figure out what you're actually trying to do and let's figure out why he actually is resistant to it because yeah, we say things in fights. My guess is you said something, it escalated, and he's just like, listen, life's not fucking fair.

Everyone has jobs they don't like, I don't know. And he said it in a way where you took it personally. And I understand, so I understand why. But I don't know, you know your husband way more than I do. I've never met him. But my guess is he's not like living by the mantra of I want my wife to hate her fucking job.

I'm guessing that's not it. But I would like to understand, what have you been looking into? What is the job that you kind of want to do? What does it require? And what specifically is he resistant to? So I've been looking into getting my design degree for interior design. And instead of going to school for four years to get that degree, there's a school in my

area that is specialized and they can do the program in one year. So I thought wonderful, because that's one year's time I can be done and, you know, working again. Okay. How much does that cost? $15,000. And is that in, like, I don't know if that's from a price standpoint, is that a big commitment for you guys? Is it not? I think it's very doable for us. I think that money is a trigger for him and looking at

a big number is overwhelming to him, but we don't have to pay 15,000 upfront. Like you can split it up over the year. Okay. Interior design? Yes. Okay. And what would you want to do with that? I want to stage houses. Okay. I don't really know the market for that. But do you feel like it's,

do you need to go to interior design school to do that? Yes. If you want to be the person that's actually you know staging the homes and coming up with the designs you have to have a degree. Okay. Do you know people in that industry? I know a person that has a friend that has her own business so like a friend of a friend kind of a thing that she referred me to you know to ask questions and talk it through. How many real estate agents do you have relationships with? Well, I have my real estate license or the, you know, my previous job. Um, but I do know, um, a number of real estate agents. And other than the cost of, of school, uh, what are the other reasons why your

husband is, is that the big thing that your husband's is like, well, first of all, you go, you're going to go to school for a year, not only is it going to cost What are the other reasons why your husband is that the big thing that your husband's is like well first of all you going You're gonna go to school for a year. Not only is gonna cost us $15,000 you won't be working as much or at all So there's the cost of not earning what you could be earning in addition to what it's gonna cost us to send to school So there there is that that does make it more expensive. That is a that is a fact, right? There's also an option in the program where you can sign up just to do,

so there's two different options. You can go during the week or you can do it just on Saturdays. So there is a potential that I could get a job, probably not doing what I was doing before because it's too stressful, but I could get a job potentially while I am doing this to make some income.

Do you know what that would be? No. How long have you been with your husband? For nine years in June. Do you have any type of track record of having one ending to do something, get excited about doing something, and then not following through with it at all?

No. Okay, with the fight where he was like, I want you to work a miserable job. Can you go back and remember like how that conversation started? And at what point did it turn into, from a conversation to an argument? So, it's kind of a lot of detail,

but I told them, you know, I was thinking of the future when our daughter goes back to school full time when she is in kindergarten next year. I'm looking into what I can transition into. I'd really like to stage houses. I need an interior design degree to do that. I found this school. I can do it in one year.

It's X amount. And he says, Whoa, you know, wait a minute, Like you're going to spend $15,000 on that. And, you know, he needs a couple implants and it's like $10,000 for him to get the implants. Implants for what? What kind of. For his teeth. Oh, okay.

I was like, he's got a boob job? Cool. No. And so he immediately went to, well, I need that. Like, why would I just pay for you to go to school when I need that? Is it a this or that? No, not in my opinion because he has continually put things before he's needed them for almost the entire time that I've known him. And he's bought made plenty of big purchases for himself putting that on the back burner all the time. So I don't feel like it's a this or that. What did you hate most about

your last job? What made it so stressful? So my husband is really high maintenance and I can manage his high maintenance ness, just me and him. So my job has lots of different moving parts and So, my job has lots of different moving parts and it's just like constant, you know, one thing to the next, to the next, to the next. And you just have all these moving pieces constantly. And once I had my daughter, I was anticipating she would be like me. I'm kind of chill and, you know, just not super high maintenance, but she ended up being like my husband. So she's super special, but she has extra care. And mind you, I have three children that are grown from a previous marriage. So I've raised three other kids. So it's not like I don't know the

difference between a high maintenance kid and one that's just like chill or whatever. So she one that's just like chill or whatever. So she having the two of them at home combined with my previous job, which in, in my opinion is a high stress job. It's very fast moving. But I guess that's what I'm curious about what makes it a stressful job, because it's a very high energy quick moving, you know, you're dealing with everything all at the same time. You're, people are calling in roof leaks and you're, you know, somebody else has got a warehouse that got broken into and you're, you know, you're constantly putting

out fires all day long. And if I didn't have my daughter, you know, I did that successfully for three years, I was fine. But once I had her, it just, the stress that, that resulted at home, just made it to be, feel like too much. Like, I just felt like it was too much. So one thing I want to point out, when I asked you about what made your previous job so stressful, you started by talking about your husband and your daughter. And I'm pretty sure whatever you decide to do, whether it's staging houses or being an actress, you're not getting rid of your daughter and hopefully not your husband. So those stresses aren't leaving, you know?

And so it's, which is, which is why I'm trying to find something to do that would bring me joy. I hear you, but let's just make sure that it does first. You know, cause people have a, you know, it's like a relationship, you know? Like you're in a relationship and you're like, I hate this person, or they suck, they're this or that. And then you, you know, maybe you go out and, you know,

you're not doing anything wrong, let's say, you know? Like let go out and, you know, you're not doing anything wrong let's say, you know, like let's say you're not emotionally cheating or physically cheating but you happen to meet a person who looks at you in a way that you miss being looked at and talks to you in a way that you miss being talked to and all of a sudden you're just like, man, I really want this, you know, I want this type of, this brings me joy being this person sees me and treats me a certain way, and then you leave the relationship, and you get in this new relationship with this new person, and then six months later, you find out about

the bullshit they bring to the relationship. Every job has its stresses, I guess is my point. And I don't know anything about staging houses or real estate, but my advice to you is to really do your homework. And that will do a couple things, you know, and that will do a couple things for you. One, it will give you more information to make sure that you, in fact, want to do this, you know. Right now you have an idea. My guess

is what you are envisioning, what I would refer to as the rom-com version of your job. I bet if I were to write a rom-com, if I were to write my leading lady or my leading man, having them be in interior designing, staging houses for real estate would probably be a pretty cool job to write in for my character. It's like that, or maybe like a high-end journalist

living in New York City. It sounds like a cool job. You know what I'm saying? It has the glitz and glamour of like, oh my God, interior design? The key stage houses, that's so cool. And maybe it is, in fact, all those wonderful things. But every job has its stresses, you know?

You mentioned like the fast pace of it all, you mentioned dealing with a bunch of people. Well, staging houses, you're gonna deal with like, you know, pushy real estate agents, you know, depending on the market, that's gonna increase stresses and things like that. So they're like just off the top of my head, not knowing anything about this, I could, I can come up with some things that, you know,

might mirror the stresses that you are wanting to leave. And you're not leaving any of those stresses behind, you're just doing a different job. You know, that's the potential. So my recommendation first and foremost is to really learn about this industry. Not just talk to this one person, but try to talk to more people. Really understand.

You can figure this out. It's the age of the internet. This person doesn't have to be local. You should have some kind of business plan, at least off the top of your head. You should really understand the good, bad, and the ugly of everything that comes with this job. Because at the stage of your life, I'm guessing you don't wanna, you yourself don't wanna spend $15,000

in a year of your time only to find out three years from now that you don't love this job as much as you thought you did. Yeah. And if you do this homework and you do find out that, you know what, yeah, yeah, I won't like this. This doesn't sound so great, but like, I can do this. And I'm even more excited now than I was when I started researching.

That's gonna give you the ammunition, I mean ammunition might be the wrong word, but the information you need to, not only that, but show your husband that you are committed to this. If your husband, for all his faults, and I'm sure it sounds like there's a few, but in any marriage marriage any relationship especially one

with that involves a kid when one person says hey I want to make this major life decision and it's going to take time and money the other person just want to make sure that you it's gonna work out because it is a risk for both of you it is a big time commitment and the only thing that would be make things more stressful on the both of you is if again, you go to school, you spend the money, you take the time and in three years, you're just like, I don't know, this just fucking sucks man.

I just, I have to deal with all these fucking high maintenance people, real estate agents and no one like, and then you're getting creative arguments with the real estate agent and you're just like, no one understands, you know, I don't know, you know, I don't know anything about this job. But you should know a shit ton about this job. At this stage in your life, you know,

you're not 18 years old anymore. It's not like, hey, I wanna go to college, and I think I wanna be an interior designer, but fuck it, who knows, I might change my, you know. And then you graduate from college with like a history major, and then, you know, you a high-power salesperson. You know like this is you know this is a very specific very niche thing that you're going to get a secondary education for that you're not going to be able to use this education for anything other than what you're going to school for.

I mean you already have a degree right? Yeah? I do. Yeah so like it's not like you need a degree you have a degree so any job that just requires a degree you already have this is a very Tailored thing so like you got to make sure you're not gonna waste it and I guarantee your husband You know he might just be resistant to change in general So you're probably dealing with that right, but if you can say listen like I'm you know right now I'm just gonna you know I hear you I understand, I hear your concerns, but I'm gonna continue

to research this because it's something I am passionate about, I really wanna do. But for the sake of both of us, I'm gonna do my due diligence. I'm gonna really research this industry, maybe the school that you're thinking about going to, maybe there's contacts you can make there, there's people who are teaching,

that what does this industry look like? You should do research on the industry itself, you know? What is the earning potential? You know, people who are running their own business, like can you take them out to a cup of coffee? Go on LinkedIn and look, you know, when I was in sales, you know, I first was in, I first sold, my first sales job was selling cell phones, you know?

And then I wanted to get into medical device sales and then I wanted to get into software sales. And both medical device and software, they're like little fraternities. It's like once you're in, you're in, you know? But like to break into the medical device, they're very precious about like letting people in. So usually, the normal career track for both these industries is to hire people for us at a college, give them grunt work, right? Make them dial, you know, a thousand phone calls a day to get the normal career track for both these industries is to hire people fresh out of college, give them grunt work, right? Make them dial a thousand phone calls a day

to get hung up on and do all the grunt work and then you slowly work your way up. Well, I was working in sales for like five years. I was earning a certain living. I had a nice little career. I'm like, I don't wanna fucking start over, just to break in. I don't wanna go backwards to go forwards. So I just to break in. I don't want to go backwards to go forwards.

So I would go on LinkedIn and I would find people in these industries and I would go out and introduce myself, just like, you know, and I would say, hey, I'm very fascinated. And I would like try to, I would, I'd reach out to like managers and vice presidents and people who are, you know, who are actually hiring.

I wouldn't hire like mid-level, like I wouldn't hire, I wouldn't talk to like associates, but people who are actually hiring, I wouldn't hire like mid-level, like I wouldn't hire, I wouldn't talk to like associates, but people who are actually decision makers. And I would ask them to, I would ask to take them a cup of coffee. Most of the time people would just ignore me. Every once in a while people would take me up on the offer. That's what led me to get into the industry.

I made contacts, I was proactive. I found out, you know, and that, I did it for like a year before anything happened. Yeah, those are great ideas. So, yeah, I would do that. I would go on LinkedIn and I would research and email people, write them, and just try to learn as much as you can about this industry.

Maybe along the way you'll get some tips and tricks about like how, because I'm guessing if you do this, you'll be like an entrepreneur, right? You'll probably start your own business and like kind of network with other real estate agents and hopefully get them to hire you to stage the houses they're trying to sell? Eventually. I do want to work for a firm first, just to kind of like learn the ropes and see how things go.

And then the plan is to, I could eventually break out on my own and then have my own business. So these firms that do exist, these staging firms, they do, do you know, do you have any context for the people who are there? Just the one that I mentioned previously. I would like, yeah, are they hiring? When was the last time they hired? Like, are, you know, do you feel welcomed by your interest?

Are they kind of scoff at you? I don't know. I would find out a lot more. Okay. And then once I do that, do you have a suggestion for how to broach the subject with my husband again, where I'm not going to get the, you know, slammed with the millions of Americans work miserable jobs every day? What does your husband do for work? He's an elevator mechanic. Okay.

Well, he probably hates his job. He actually loves it. Oh, he does. They are total primadonnas. Yeah, he does every day. Okay, well that's good news. Great news for you. I have the best job on earth. Great, great news for you. Super happy for you, because like the flip side,

if he was just like hating his job, that would make a lot more sense that he said that, because it's like, hey, I gotta suffer. You gotta suffer along with me. But he likes his job. I think his main issue is he makes really good money. He loves his job. I was making okay money previously. But I think the big thing is he doesn't kind of like you were talking about starting over and that, you know, you got to a certain point and whatever. I think he's looking

at it kind of like, I'm going to be starting over, so I might take a decrease in pay, plus the year that I won't be potentially working. But you know, I could go into, you know, work for a staging company and just not be the designer while I'm going to school. Exactly. I mean, listen, if I were, I don't know anything about you or your husband,

but if I were in your husband's shoes, regardless, I would have concerns about like, are you really, are you sure you wanna do this? Is this really a thing? Because a lot of people decide to, a lot of people hate their jobs, don't know what to do, fuck this, I think of some kind of what sounds like a cool job.

Do what you're thinking about doing, only to find out it's not as cool as they thought, they don't really like it, and it becomes a waste of time and money and energy. And that's what you don't want, because that'll, oh boy, imagine facing that conversation in two years. I could even job shadow one of the stagers.

Listen, I think as far as your husband's concerned right now, you just say, listen, I would say, maybe at some point at the right time, just be like, you know, it really, it was upsetting to hear, you know, I get that we were fighting and things like that, but I hope that you don't want me to work a job that I hate for the rest of my life.

We're still young people. We have a lot of like work left in our lives. And no, I don't wanna be miserable. And I don't want that for you. And if you told me you talk about how much you love your job and that makes me so happy for you because it brings you joy. And I want you to, I want that.

I look at you and I see what you enjoy. And honestly, like I want that for myself and I want you to want that for me. And I'm willing to put in the work, you know? And I hear you on wanting to make sure that this is a lot of money. I think more than anything, again, empathy goes a long way. Hey, I wanna do this without any consideration.

It's like when you go in and say, I wanna do this, it's gonna cost me $15,000, I wanna like my job. It could come across as potentially entitled, that you are entitled to this money because you wanna do it because you hate your job. As opposed to saying, listen, babe, I know this is a lot of money.

I know this is a big ask. I know this can put a lot of stress on us, but like, I really want to do this. It means a lot to me. I really want to like my job. I want to love my job as much as you love your job. And I've really done the research. I've done the homework. I've really looked into this. Like, you know, this is not some sort of crackpot idea that I've just thought of over the weekend that I'm going to quit on in six months. Here's what I've learned. Here are the pros, here are the cons.

Here's what I'm going to face after I go to school for a year and graduate. These are the potential struggles of me going from trying to get a job or this is what it looks like to build your own business and do the research. The more research you do now, the more information you find out now, both pros and cons. You know, you don't wanna just come up like, oh, this is a little amazing idea. But real research, and you present that to them

and be like, listen, this is what I found out, but that will show your dedication to that. And then again, again, I know this is a lot of money, but like in the grand scheme of things, like $15,000 in a year is nothing compared to both of us being happy with what we're doing. And us being happy with what we're doing is gonna allow us both to be happy with each other.

And neither of us want us to be miserable, both with our jobs and with each other. Because if we can bring happiness into our life, that's gonna make our relationship and our family a lot less stressful. And don't we want that in general? Don't we want that for ourselves? And know, don't we want that for ourselves? And I think the more you make your husband feel

like this isn't some sort of flippant idea or some panicked idea because you hate your job and you're willing to do anything but what you're doing now. Cause I wouldn't be shocked if when you say, I want to stage houses, like he thinks it's like some sort of like you watch too many, too much any episodes of Sex and the City, and you're just trying to be, you know,

like one of the girls, you know what I'm saying? If you show him that your commitment, the homework and your dedication and your follow through, I think that'll go a long way. It would for me. Yeah. I'm not even opposed to also taking out loans to do this and then once I'm working, paying the loans myself. Yeah, but you guys are married so I don't know. I know, but I heard you

say that it felt entitled, that it made me seem entitled to just say, hey, I want to do this. So I'm, I mean, it could come across that way. Right. I definitely don't want him to think that because I know money is like a big kind of trigger for him. So, yeah. If money's a trigger for him, you coming across, when you say it's a trigger for him, what do you mean? Well, we each had previous marriages and divorces. So he kind of went through a really nasty divorce

and said he felt like a human ATM machine. There you go. So clearly his ex-wife didn't value money, wasn't considerate with money, was just a shopper. And so when you come to him and say, hey, I wanna go back to school, it's $15,000, the way you say that matters, you know what I'm saying? If you sound like his ex-wife, it's like,

whatever, it's just like a purse, it's $5,000, who cares? Like, whatever, it'll appreciate in value, let's just get it, you know? When you earn money, your own money, and people spend your money without, whether it's on purpose or not, without, you know. With regard to. Yeah, or the appreciation of the work that went into,

yeah, people take it fucking personally. Yeah. You know, I do. And I don't have the trauma that your husband has. Right, that's why I was just saying I wanna put it out there. I guess I could even tell him I'm, you know, willing to do that so that he doesn't feel

like I'm just trying to take advantage of him, I guess. Yeah, I don't even think that's necessary because, I mean, whatever, you have the conversation. I mean, if you're married and you don't have a prenup, like if you take it alone, he's taking it alone. So that's not really gonna solve the problem. What you really need to do is just let him know that you understand this is a big investment,

that this is something that their sacrifices need to be made, and that you appreciate it, and that you know this is a big decision for the both of you, and make this a decision about the both of you. This is about the happiness of the family. This is about like you, like do you really want a wife that's just constantly fucking miserable and hates her fucking job and kind of slow-key resents you because you love your job and I hate mine and I didn't feel any type of support to do the things I want to do. I understand this is a lot of money and I understand, you know, in the short term

this might be more stressful than not because I'll be in school and maybe also working and parenting but like I really want to do this and again but like I really wanna do this. And again, you putting in, hearing about his ex-wife, all this work that you're doing on the front end and all this research, oh boy, I'm pretty sure that'll go a long way. Because I guarantee you his ex-wife never did a bunch of research to make sure that she was doing the right thing

in terms of spending his money, whatever she spent it on. You know what I'm saying? It was like, and doing that upfront work, well, with your actions, show him that this is a big decision, that you're not just flippantly trying to go back to school for fun and spend money that is ultimately gonna be a waste.

He doesn't wanna waste this money. I'd be willing to bet that if he knew that you would have a successful career in this industry, he would be far less resistant. But he's just like, probably like, she's gonna go to school and who knows, who fucking knows. And I'm gonna get real fucking pissed when I find out that like, she doesn't like this job

and she went to school and wasted all this time and money for nothing. That's great, a great idea to do the research and look into it more for sure. Yeah, and let him, you know, and communicate with him. This is like, hey, you know, and say, listen, I know we are not seeing eye to eye, but that would be my next step.

You go to him and say, listen, it really hurt my feelings that you said that, but I understand where you're coming from. I understand your concerns. And listen, I understand that like, obviously your ex-wife, whatever her name is, like, listen, I just, I understand where you're coming from, but can you hear me out?

I'm envious of you. Oh, say that. Boy, when someone tells you that they're envious of you, you're like, really? Me, little old me? You're envious of me? You say that. I'm envious of you.

I'm jealous. I want what you have. I see that you enjoy your job. And I want that for myself. And I want you to have, and like I see that you enjoy your job, you know? And I want that for myself, and I want you to want that for me. And I get, like I don't want this to be some flip it decision. I'm gonna do the research,

I'm still committed to this, I want, I want, I wanna, but I wanna make sure this is the right decision for the both of us. Because in three years, we might, we have a chance to both have jobs we really like, and are happy, and like we don't have the stresses, and you won't have to tell me to just suck it up

and deal with it. Babe, if you heard suck it up and deal with it for me for five years, you'd fucking hate me. There's a middle ground there. Well, it's not doing our relationship any favors to have me not be happy at a job. I'm not gonna come home happy. I know, I guarantee you really need to practice

when you talk to them about this is using those we and us language because right now it's a lot of me and I and I don't get to do this and you do this and you do that and I get to do, and why don't I get to deserve, why can I have this and you do, you know what I'm saying? I guarantee you there's a lot of that they've been thrown around.

Well, I really feel like it's kind of like him against me right now. Sure. So, you gotta change that language. Be like, hey babe, I want us to be happy and stress free as possible. I want us to both love our jobs. And listen, I just, I don't want you to deal with someone

that fucking hates their job. And I don't want to hear from my husband to suck it up. And you don't want to hear that from me. So can we figure out how we do this together? I would like to do more research on this. I would like to make sure, I know this is really exciting to me, but to make sure this is the right decision for us,

I would like to do a lot more research on this profession. You know, everything about it, you know, I'm gonna take my time and maybe spend, I'm gonna spend the next couple months doing the research. This isn't research you're gonna do in three days. You need to meet some people, you need to build relationships. So I'm gonna take the next couple months, hubby, and I'm gonna do some research

and then think of this right for me. But in the meantime, I'd love for you to just like, give me a chance to decide whether this is something I really wanna do. And you can say, I really wanna do this, and if I have to get a job to pay for it myself, I'll do it, you know? I'd love your support,

because I'd like us to do this as a team. I'd love us to support each other in the things that make us happy. When you come to me in five years and you want to, I don't know what he's gonna wanna do. I don't know what midlife crisis he's gonna have, you know? But I want to try to support you in those things. I wanna at least hear you out.

And I want you to feel like you're not pigeonholed into something you hate. I want us to support each other in ways that our ex-partners didn't. That's great. And talk to him like that, as opposed to us, this is not you versus him. And when it feels that way, you gotta take the time out

and you gotta pause and you gotta end the conversation, regroup and reassess, and then try a different approach. I think I have a hard time, but I feel like you're kind of, what you just said is kind of like reverse psychology and I have a hard time getting out of my own head to sort of reverse that narrative. Because you're anticipating how that conversation's

gonna go before you have it. You are triggering, you're like, I know what he's gonna fucking say. And then you're already triggered. You're already ready to go. So as soon as he says one fucking thing, then you snap. You're just like, well, I fucking knew it, motherfucker. Yeah, the first combo didn't go well.

Yeah, because I guarantee you went in there being like, he's gonna fucking hate this, he's not gonna support me, he's gonna give me a hard time about how much it costs, and then he said the thing you said, and you were just like, holy fuck, you know. I actually really didn't know how he was gonna react. I knew the money was gonna be an issue for him,

but I didn't think he would flat out be like, oh well, tons of people are miserable at their jobs. Like, I really didn't see that one coming, so. I would let that go. Yeah. I get what he was trying to say. Obviously poor, just bad timing in his part, we say a lot of dumb things in fights.

That was just like one thing after another. So try to let that go, try not to, and try to bring the conversation back to more of a conversation. And this is about the two of you. This is about you working as a team. This is about the relationship. Like, if one of us is miserable, babe,

then we're both gonna be miserable. And I just, I don't wanna be miserable. And I'd love for your support. And I'm so envious of how much you love your job. Part of the reason I wanna do this is because, like, I look at you, and that's what I want for myself, and I'd love for your support, but I get it. I get this is a lot of money.

I get this is potentially stressful for the both of us. So I'm really gonna do my homework, because I don't want us to waste this money. I don't want to regret this decision. I don't want to backtrack and change my mind in a couple years. So I'm gonna take the next couple months and I'm gonna build relationships

with people in this industry. I'm gonna really do my research. I'm gonna put a plan together and I'm gonna figure out whether I'm really truly committed to this. I really think I am, but at the end of the day, when it comes to the cost, I'm also gonna look at ways to pay for it myself.

I'd love your support, but this is something I really need to do, not only for me, but for us, because if I have to work this job one more day, I'm gonna blow my fucking head off, and you know, I'm just don't say that. Oh my gosh. You know, but you know what I'm saying, like you're not, you know,

he doesn't want a miserable wife, he doesn't. No, he doesn't. You just gotta get on the same page that way. And this is not you versus him. You got to tell yourself that. You went in already thinking it was you versus him. And make him understand how much you value the money he is earning and how much you appreciate and you don't take it lightly. You're not willing to spend it on anything.

Those are great, great suggestions. I can do this. Okay. All right. Well, report back. We would love an update. Yep. I will. Okay. Well, thanks for your time. I'm dying to find out how this goes. Okay. Thank you. All right. Take care. All right. Bye-bye. Bye. You know what is more expensive than you realize? Framing photos.

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How's it going hi, it's going well you guys how are you good what's your name? My name is Jordan, and I'm 30. How can we help Jordan? Thank you for asking My name is Jordan and I'm 30. How can we help Jordan? Thank you for asking. So basically my friend is hooking up with men that she barely knows and she's not on birth control. Okay are they using condoms? They're not. That's my biggest concern. Okay how do you know this? She's sharing this very intimate details with me and it's something that is just really concerning to me. I care about her finding love and happiness and I'm just not seeing her doing that. How does she share this information? She's like, I'm just like out there fucking and

we don't use condoms and like, woo. Like what is that? Is she saying it like this or? Nick, she's texting me telling me, hey, so I was bad and I hooked up with this guy again. And then we'll sit down and have a conversation because obviously I want to know what's going on. I want to know if there's like, he's pursuing her and how is this going? How did they make you feel? And you know, she'll say, we opted not to use a condom. And of course I'm ovulating and I'm just so confused.

I'm concerned and I just really care about my friend's sexual health as I care about everybody involved, hooking, like participating in hookup culture. I care that they're being safe. How old's your friend? She is in a same age as me. She's 30. It's too old. This is too old to be doing this you guys. Yeah, I mean I don't

know if it's a... I mean I hear what you're saying but let's figure out why she might be doing it. There's two concerns you know when you talk about someone having unprotected sex with strangers, first concern is STIs, sexually transmitted infections, and then there's a pregnancy. Now, let's skip the first part, that's obvious. Is there a world when your friend says, oh, and of course I was ovulating,

is there a world where she has secretly decided internally that getting pregnant isn't the worst thing in the world. I have a friend who is now a mother but when we were both super single I remember being out to dinner with her, this friend, and she had been single for a while. She was frustrated with her dating life. And she was frustrated with her dating life, let's just say that. And we were at the dinner and she's like, you know what? I just, I don't even care about finding love anymore.

I just want to have a baby. You know, I just want to be a mom. I just, you know, and you know, she was looking at all these different options of how one might be a mother. But then there's the old-fashioned way of just getting knocked up, you know? And my question to you is, is there a chance that your friend has been struggling finding love and has just decided and maybe, you know, without telling anyone that, you know, honestly getting pregnant even if by some guy who I don't want in my life isn't the worst thing because I just

want to be a mom. Is that possible? Is there any chance that you've been listening to our conversation? No. That's exactly what's happening. That's exactly what's happening. And she shared pretty candidly that she's pretty rigid on finding someone that has a great family

because she wants someone who can raise their children because she wants equity in the relationship of them both working and bringing things to the table in that way financially. So she's really looking for someone with a good family. And the last two partners she has had, they've had incredible families. And again, she shares all the details with me.

I think I know every- Well, but when you say these partners, are these like ex-boyfriends? Or these are the men that she's hooking up with? Yes, exactly. Men that she's hooking up with. Well, who gives a shit who their families are? Like, you know, like what,

is she trying to entrap these men? Yes, to answer that, exactly that. I believe it is a, you know, it's, I'm wanting to get pregnant and I wanna be a mom and she's really settling with, I believe, these people, yes, they have a wonderful family, but again, they're not showing up her in the way that she's expressing that she wants to be pursued. How does she know they have wonderful families?

Because she's going on dates with them, she's having really long conversations with them on the phone, they're texting, sometimes for weeks and months at a time. And yeah, so it's really difficult. And I'm finding myself to be really angry. And I have a lot of biases on my own. And so I'm recognizing that being angry,

yes, it prompts action on my part, but that's not the way to be tough love. There's a way to be kind and tough love, but I am really struggling. I'm really angry. And as I mentioned in my email, I just have some biases based on my own journey with, I'm only a year free of having cancerous cells and an active HPV infection. I hope I'm allowed to say this, but I think it's important to mention.

Well, exactly. That's the STI part where, you know. Absolutely, absolutely. My grandma's only a year cancer free. She had cervical cancer. Yeah. So again, I'm harrasing. And then like herpes, you know, that's all over. That's rampant.

You know, like she's gonna get it. It's not a matter of if, it's when. If she keeps having unprotected sex. People can live with her, people can live with that, and people do, but it's not something, if you can avoid getting, you usually try to avoid it. But yeah, the bigger problem is that she is not so secretly having unprotected sex because she has,

it's like, well, we'll just let nature, if it's meant to she has it's like well we'll just let nature you know if it's meant to be it's meant to be you know like meant to be no you're you're manipulating the situation and what conversations have you had with her? And I think that's one of the most important things to mention is that throughout our relationship I've known her since I was 16, it's been very much so that I sit down with her and it's just, you know, a lot of explosive emotion, a lot of opinions and just kind of venting, like just verbal vomit.

And I really don't get a word in because I also am very aware of her quickly icing me out. As soon as I, you know, share something, share something, she kind of has to be right. And I've experienced this in many ways, whether I'm talking about how I did in the job interview, it's kind of everything. I feel like there's a little bit of, I just want to put you down.

So it's a difficult friendship and I'm realizing I need to kind of change my perspective on the way that I look at her as a person. She's just someone in my life. But yeah, so I haven't, I really, I really haven't stood up. I really haven't stood up and said, hey, I'm just, I'm really not supportive of hookup culture. And if you're looking for a husband and someone that makes you feel loved and there's security

and safety with casual sex on the table, this is, that's just not, you're not taking the right steps to find that, but I also recognize that. I just wouldn't say it like that. Yes, absolutely. Yeah, like, you know, I wouldn't say I'm not supportive of hookup culture, cause like, listen, it might not be for you, but like if done safely, it's a fine thing.

This is very much about, to me, it's more like, listen, again, as always, I would leave it love. I think it needs to start with, I just want you to know, I'm really excited for you to be a mom someday. I think you're gonna be an amazing mother. And I understand why you're anxious to be a mom, because I know how great you're gonna be. I don't even know if you actually believe that,

but you should say it. I don't even know if you actually believe that but you should say it. I don't. Well, you really think that she's gonna be a terrible mom? I'm concerned about how much information she's listening to, the books she's reading, the work. What books is she reading? She's done Esther Perel, which I just love so much. She's very receptive to the books I've suggested and podcasts. And I find her being someone who's insatiable with information and learning a lot of things and listening to actually a lot of more conservative

viewpoints as far as saving it for marriage. So again, how contradictory is that? So again, I'm seeing her reading, listening, absorbing, and then living completely different lives. And I know that sometimes we're all guilty of that. But exactly like what you said, saying, I do not support this or this isn't for me, and pushing that on her, you're exactly right. That's not the language.

That's gonna feel like judgment. Absolutely, absolutely. And that's why I haven't said anything. That's not the only way to say it. That's gonna feel like judgment. Absolutely, absolutely. And that's why I haven't said anything. So yeah, I think you gotta say, listen, can we talk? You sit her down and you just be like, listen, I'm so excited for you to be a mom someday. I really am.

You're gonna be great. And hopefully she's like, yeah, me too, that's why. But I do, just like I want, I don't know if you wanna be a mom someday too. My partner and I really align with wanting to adopt and be foster parents. Okay, great, so you do wanna be a parent, great. So you wanna be a parent, right?

So like me, I wanna be a parent, our plan's a little different, but I'm just as excited about being the parent someday. But she can't deny that the environment you bring a child into matters. So I just want you to, and I know none of us want to be patient, but like I want you to be a mom

in a situation that makes everyone's life easier, specifically your child and for you. And like, you know, potentially getting pregnant from a guy you have no connection with or relationship with, and having unprotected sex, you know, like getting pregnant from someone who might not, with and having unprotected sex, like getting pregnant from someone who might not, you have no guarantees of how they're gonna be a father,

how supportive they wanna be. The idea that you're gonna find it someday. You're gonna find it. You just gotta be a little patient. And my friend who I talked about, she's a mom now and she did it the old fashioned way, and she's got a partner, and she didn't have to get knocked up by a stranger,

and be like, I'll just raise this kid on my own. I'm just like, listen, if that happens to you, you'll be a great mom. But you're only 30, you deserve love, you deserve companionship, you deserve to have a chance to raise a child with someone. Your child deserves to have a chance to have parents who love each other.

Your child deserves a chance not to have you be in the court system before they're even born. This can get messy real fast, and I just want you to set yourself up for success. And I just, sometimes as your friend, I do get a little bit worried because again, I know how anxious you are, and I know how excited you are to be a mom,

and again, I know how great you're gonna be, but I don't want that to, you know, your excitement about being a mother cause you to get into a situation that, you know, is gonna make being a mother that much more difficult. And that's just a reality. And if she can't acknowledge the challenges around having a kid on your own

and having to argue with, I mean, if she got pregnant by a man who loves his family that has money, well that family, how does she know they're gonna support her, welcome her? This family with money might be the thing that takes her own kid away from her. You know?

The court systems unfortunately are set up that like if you have unlimited funds, you can take someone to court unlimited amounts of times as long as you're willing to waste your money. So what's stopping this guy, this fake, you know, this guy who has that say family has millions of dollars and to them, they think she's a terrible mother and they hire a PI and they're like,

she was out there trying to get fucking knocked up by all these people and they take her to court and they fight the court systems and they fight for parental rights for him. And even though that she, you know, that could happen. Yeah. You know? Absolutely.

So. Yeah. I couldn't agree more. And I grew up in the foster care system. So I just can't wrap my brain around how it makes sense to set yourself up for possibly being a single parent. Well, because the idea of having a child and I can say this with experience is like, can sounds like it can fix everything rewarding. And so I just have, I've say this with experience, it sounds like it can fix everything, rewarding. And so you just have this one thing to love and take care of. It gives you purpose, and maybe your friend is seeking out some purpose. She hasn't been able to find connection through love.

The one thing you can guarantee, if you have a kid, you're gonna love the kid, and they're gonna love you back, at least for the short term. And for someone who's been unlucky in love, that sounds like a pretty good proposition. Yeah, absolutely. So as much as you are, I mean, you are judging your friend.

So you have to be careful about that. Absolutely, I wanna be so honest. I am on the petty train right now and I'm really struggling to keep my mouth shut. And that's why I knew I needed to talk to you guys because I wanna keep my mouth open shut. But why? It's not your life. She lives with me, Nick.

I have to deal with this every day. I'm seeing the ovulation test, the pregnancy test in my trash can as I took it out. She's hooking up guys. And so she's actively trying to get pregnant. It's based on her cycle. I can't believe I'm saying this out loud, but I really feel like it's,

she has this post-obulation clarity and she's like, oh yeah, that was wrong. I don't like this. He does drugs, regulation. Excuse me, I didn't say that word right. You know, he's partying a lot and this is no way this person is suitable for me in my life. You know, but while she's ovulating, it's like she has this one track mind and she pursues, even though that's exactly the opposite of what she wants. She hooks up with them until all hours of the night and then, you know, opted not to use the condom and, you know, then stresses for a few days. Take the test, talks to me about it. And I'm just like, I just want to hide.

I just want to hide. I don't know how to respond. You got to have the conversation. You do. You just got to have the conversation and you got to make sure that you're, you're, you have to come in, you know, prepare with what you're willing to say and knowing what you shouldn't say. At the end of the day, it's her life, not yours. And I get that you have to see it and you have to live with it, but it's her life. And you're not gonna be roommates with her forever. So stop making it, this is not a hill you need to die on. It's not your moral responsibility.

And I think sometimes we can get a little self-righteous and a little like, all of a sudden you're like, oh my God, why are you so invested in this? I get why you are concerned, I get it. And I get that you wanna be a friend, but you have to make sure that you don't act like this is, like you're her mom, that this is the end all be all. At the end of the day, she's gonna make her decisions,

it's her life, and it's not your fucking problem. And you have to go into that conversation understanding that about yourself, so that when she does say things that you don't agree with or she's resistant to what you're saying, you just be like, okay, like, you know, I spoke my piece. Because after you say whatever you're going to say, you can say, listen, fair enough, but like, I don't support this.

And you can set that boundary and you can force that boundary. So listen, she, she's an adult, she can live her life, but if she wants to communicate about her sexual escapades, you can just politely say, listen, I don't support this, I'm sorry, I support you, but I am concerned about the choices you're making, so I can't stop you from doing it, but I'm not interested in hearing about it. You can stop being a friend.

You're trying to be a friend, but you can stop being her day-to-day go-to for all these things. You're like, because listen, it's your life, but I can't tell you how to live your life, but I can't sit there and pretend to be okay with what you're doing. Like, you're entraping yourself and these strangers.

Like, you don't know how they are gonna be dead. First of all, you're trying to get pregnant from men who don't realize you're trying to get pregnant with them. Yeah. It's, you know what I, from what she is sharing with me, it is a conversation that is had, that she wants to be a mom and you know, and she's aligning in that value system with these men that they are wanting to be parents too. Okay, but is this conversation,

you're on a first date, be like, hey, do you want to like, so it's our second date, I know it's a little early and we talk all hours a night, but like, do you want to be like a parent someday? Oh my God, do it, do it. If I went on a date at any point in my life from like 19 to now, on a date,

I was like, oh my God, all I wanna do someday is be a dad. That's my really only dream. And that was all true. That didn't mean I wanted to get that girl who I just met knocked up, you know? I'm meaning, as in, she is sharing, disclosing, that she is not on birth control. That's, yeah.

Well, that's good. She is sharing that information, which I think is That's, yeah. Well, that's good. That she is sharing the information which I think is very important. Yeah, no, you're right. And you know, where am I? Are these men coming inside her? She's pretty clear that they're not. And again, I'm wanting to say,

you know that pre-com is even more concentrated. Well, I don't know about that, but you know. It is, you can get pregnant from pre-come. I know, I know you can. You know, you understand. I know you can, but I'm just saying, at least they're not, I know it's possible, I'm not, you know, but that is much better than her

Well, I'm not, you know, but that is much better than her ovulating and him going for it. My guess, my guess is the hope, the hope is, is the fact that she is disclosing it, that's a great sign, you know, because then she's not at least entrapping them. And two, these men sounds like they're, she's getting them at their horniest and they are deciding to pull out, which isn't certainly the safest way, but it is a, it is a practice that people have been practicing for a long time. That's 80% effective. Yeah.

So I'm hoping it is every single time. You do, but that's the thing. You, I think you have made this a little bit more personal than it should be. 100%. You didn't even let that go. Yeah, totally. You're not her moral compass. It's you have your life, she has yours.

It sounds like you are in a much healthier place than she is right now. And I think you just need to check yourself a little bit just because I know that it comes from the best of intentions but you definitely run great risk of coming across as the judgmental righteous friend who has it all figured out and you can't understand where she's coming from and you didn't grow up in the foster house like she did and yada yada yada and you don't grow up in the foster house like she did and yada, yada, yada.

And you don't want her to be happy. And, you know, you have to be very careful to not make this some sort of personal mission. Absolutely. And I'm what I'm recognizing is that I don't think I've ever really stood up and said, really shared my opinion about something when it came to her life. And my boyfriend was really honest with me the other day. He said, you know, this is kind of the first time you're standing up to her. And I think it could be really abrasive

if you were to just say like, hey, I know what's morally right. And to me I was- This is not about morals. Yeah, this is not about morals. Well, but it was, but that is how it will come off based on me have never really shared, hey, I'm not, yeah. But it was, but that is how it will come off based on me have never really shared, hey, I'm concerned about you.

That's the way it needs to, can I, how can I share, can I share something with you? And again, my only point is, is I love you and I want, I want success for you in your life and in your relationships and being a mother. That's how you need to approach it. This is about you being excited for her being a mom and her having all of your support

in her goal of being a mom someday, but how we become parents and who we become parents with in the environment in which we bring children in this world matters greatly. And you just want her to go about it in the healthiest possible way. And there are no guarantees, obviously. People can change, and there's a lot of people

who get married and have kids and realize they're wives or husbands or monsters, and yeah, there's no guarantees. But having a child with ultimately a stranger that you've had five or less dates with, and all you know about their family is what they say about them, she's not setting herself up for success.

And you just have to get her to believe in herself. Right now she doesn't believe in herself. All her actions are based off of the fear of not finding what she ultimately wants. I mean, the truth is, if God or whoever she believes in or Jeannie, whatever, came down and said, hey, Becky, in 16 months, I guarantee you, you're gonna meet the man of your dreams

and you two are gonna have a wonderful family. All you gotta do is stop fucking strangers, you know? Because if you don't get pregnant, you know, but like, she would, she'd probably have no problem doing it. She'd wait 16 months, she'd do whatever, but like she doesn't know that and she doesn't believe it's gonna happen. She's given up hope, you know? Probably as a result of her that, and she doesn't believe it's gonna happen. She's given up hope, probably as a result of her choices

with the men that she's brought into her life. But your job isn't to judge her or make her feel less than. Your job as a friend is to help her believe in herself and help her believe that if she just is a little more patient and a little bit more confident in what she brings, you know, she's going to be a great mother someday. And that you just want her to do it so that for the next how many wonderful years she has with her children, that it's the best environment possible. And

you're just a little concerned because right now all she is doing is hoping that these men that she's hooking up with turn out to be supportive co-parents with her, and she's just guessing. You know? Yeah. And you can say, listen, you know, I'm guessing your friend, let's call her Becky, I'm guessing she can point out that she's met a handful of men that she thought were one way

and then turned out to be another. So, and you can just say, like, you know, we both, and don't make it about her. Listen, Becky, we both know that men can reveal who they really are down the line. We've both been in situations where six months after thinking we found the men of our dream, we found out they were pieces of shit.

And I just don't want you to find out that about your baby daddy. And you're gonna be an amazing mother. It's going to happen. I believe that from the bottom of my heart, but I just want you to do it in a way that like makes your and your child's life safe and happy and set up for success. And right now I'm just a little concerned that you're putting that at risk and I don't want you to ruin a great thing.

So that's going to go along better than I think you're putting that at risk. And I don't want you to ruin a great thing. So that's going to go along better than I think you're making choices that are bad. And honestly, like morally, I think you're just like, you know, blah, blah, blah. Like, oh my God, you're just, that's not going to go well. No, and that is the thing. That's my inner dialogue. That's the way I'm sharing this with my boyfriend as I'm talking to this. But you got to practice that because that's why you believe deep down and it's gonna creep out. You really gotta practice this. You gotta practice this with your boyfriend.

You gotta practice this in the mirror. And honestly, you gotta start believing it a little bit more than you do. If I could have one thing I think would be important to mention is that she has shared with me multiple times. She's very involved as far as understanding how incredible, loving and wonderful my partner is. And she has shared with me many times how that is the relationship that she's looking for. Great. And she's going to find it. Recent partner. Absolutely. She can. And she has shared with this most recent guy she's

sleeping with that, oh my gosh, you're going to love Jordan's boyfriend. He's so wonderful. I feel like you guys would totally get along. And so, and that's what's, for me, I'm seeing a door open based on her having shared, you know, I see your, the way you're living your life with your boyfriend. So I know that is my door in to be able to be like, okay, she is seeing the way I'm living my life

and is liking how my life is going. So, and again, it's being that way. When you talk to her though, let her bring that up. Don't bring that up. Don't,. So, and again, it's been a little bit of a change. When you talk to her though, let her bring that up. Don't bring that up. Don't, don't, don't use you as an example of what she should be doing, because then it becomes competitive.

And if it comes out of your mouth, it's very different than it coming out of her mouth. All you need to say is that you believe in her and that she is going to find what she wants someday and she's going to be a great mom. You're just a little concerned about her giving up on the chances of finding it in a way that will better ensure that she's bringing a child into a world that's like a healthier and safer environment.

A hundred percent. Yep. And I was more of thinking just, because again, I've never had this kind of conversation, I don't bring up my opinions about things. I care more about just being a listener and just wanting to be someone she can always bounce ideas off of and just know she has a safe place to cry, to vent, because I am a champion for her wanting to be at peace with herself and not give up on herself. So I think that kind of window open or the door open in

is her having shared with me that she loves my relationship. So I think that is, I feel comfortable even sharing, I'm really concerned. Can I share with you my concern? That's the only reason I feel like I even have a right to say anything. It's because she shared so openly about how she loves my relationship. So I'm like, because a lot of me thinks, do I even have a place? Because I truly don't think she listens or really values my opinion. I felt this for many years that a man will tell her the same thing I've said or things I'm wrestling with.

I'm chewing on something maybe you talked about in a podcast with a guest and I'm chewing on it and I'm bringing it up just to have conversation with my girlfriend and- She's not that she doesn't value it. She clearly values it because she tells you a lot of things but she's also competing with you as friends do especially I think women compete with each other more than men do

You know, but so there's a little bit of that but I think she does value it, you know I mean, you know just like listen like I know your friend does that but I I'm feel safe saying that whether maybe I'm guessing even you and your wonderful boyfriend and your wonderful relationship, there's gonna be times where either he says something to you and you dismiss it and your friend says it and you're like, oh, that's a pretty good idea. And he's gonna be like, are you fucking kidding me?

I'm sorry, what? You know, and vice versa. Because like, you know, it's just when it comes from a fresh voice, especially someone like, whose attention we want and validation we're seeking, it comes across a little different. And when it's someone who's always been there

and we hear them all the fucking time, they don't wanna hear it from certain people and you're no different. So she does value what you have to say, but you just have to be careful in the manner in which you say it because you are running the risk of coming across as judgmental and she is, you know, as much as she might like the relationship you have,

she's also a little envious and in some ways competing and she's trying to find her own path, you know, and her path is almost, she's probably convinced herself, I can be a single mom and I'll be the best single mom and I'm going to be this empowered woman and that's my journey and I'll, you know, and she can have her happy life and I'll have my happy life. Like her internal dialogue's probably saying shit like that,

you know, and we're very, very good at convincing ourselves of things. That's, I hope I can teach my daughter that, which I probably won't be able to, just the power of persuasion that we have with ourselves, especially at younger ages. But the good news is, is that the fact that she is letting these guys know and they are at least pulling out, you know, is that like, she is definitely playing with fire, but she's

not actually trying to get pregnant, if that makes sense. Yes, absolutely. But playing with fire, makes me sweat every time she talks about it. Yes, but the thing is you have to make sure that you don't come across is that you care more about the optics of it all than herself. That's so important. Thank you for bringing that up. Yeah. And how she looks and things like that like you just want her to be a mom in the best possible and safest environment possible. And right now, obviously there's she, she can't deny, like she, she's not crazy.

Right? Like she's a sane person. You, you probably don't have to, well, I mean, if she's that bad, why is she your friend? Uh, that's my other part. You probably don't have to, well, I mean, if she's that bad, why is she your friend? That's my other part. I, again, I'm so aware of my biases and I want to be so careful in my delivery. I also think this is a really great time to demote. I think I need to change the way I relate to her being unwilling to change.

And I think this is important that I have a conversation of I'm aware that this could totally come off as judgmental. And I just don't think what I have to say maybe has a lot of weight with you. And I'm really considering that I want to take a step away and that this isn't really my friend. This is someone I live with and I care about peace. Are you thinking about saying that to her? Are you just going gonna, this is your internal battle. Nick, that's where I'm at. She's not a friend to me. She's not, she's threatened to bring up my,

that I've had sex partners other than my boyfriend. She likes to make this list of thinking that she knows. The things she has said, she had wanted to hurt my relationship. She's threatened me with stuff like that. And I'm just sitting there like, are you kidding me? How are you bloodshaming me right now? When does this come up?

It was only about, oh my gosh. And it was just such a random time. Exactly. No, but I'm asking you. I'm asking you. I, you know what? I can't remember the exact conversation, but it was something of, if your partner only knew. She's literally threatening me with that.

Does he know? Yeah, he knows that. But I'm not bringing my body count to any conversation. I think that is such a nasty conversation, and I think it hurts so many people. No, I understand that, but like, there's just nothing, as long as you and your partner have open dialogue, then you have nothing to worry about and listen

She clearly is not you know, you heard that hurt people hurt people like she's obviously going through it but listen if if Truly you really have to decide what you want from this, you know, you I've heard it, you know, you're not she is your friend She's not your friend. I don't know like if you're just doing this to be Yeah, if you're if you're doing this to be like some moral recognizing. I'm recognizing. If you're doing this to be some moral, take some moral high ground, then it's her life. Let her live your life. And for the piece of sanity and your living situation,

let her live her life. I don't know, you're not her parents, not your job to tell her how to live her life. If she is a friend, if you're just like, you know what, maybe she's not my best friend, she's definitely said things that hurt my feelings, she's hurting right now, but I do care about her and I do want what's best for her.

You can be a friend but not be super close. You can be a friend and keep your distance, but you have to decide what you want. And again, this is not about being right, this is not about what you can get out of it. It's like, do you think this is someone that needs some emotional support that you can offer without judgment, without criticism, without comparison? And do you think you can help her and offer some perspective about just the safety of her decisions or the lack thereof and try to offer her support that she doesn't seem to be getting anywhere else? Or is it someone that you feel like

isn't a friend to you and you don't want in your life and then you just have to figure out how to keep your distance between now and your leases up? Absolutely. So yeah, there's, have you heard of the phrase an ask hole when someone asks everyone the same question to get different perspectives, but it's an ask only. It's not really, I'm going to listen to the advice. Sure. I've never heard that before. We all do that.

That is, that is, uh, I mean, I'm also, I would like to say that I surround myself with people who are actionable. They listen and they, and they do. Uh, this is the one friend who it's just never ending. I'm sure she's, I'm sure she's, I'm sure she's the, we've all done it. I think you just need to recognize that. Yes, absolutely.

Because yeah, I've been that person. We all like, we've all have gone for a period in our life where this happens when we're just not happy with where we're at in our life. When we feel unsettled, we feel just like we need, we need something different. And we want support. And so yeah, we go around and we start soliciting support. And we're not asking for advice even though we frame it like that. Yeah, but we've all done that. Maybe you did it when you were 18 or 19 or 20 or 22,

and maybe you've outgrown that, but she hasn't. I just think you really, like you definitely run the risk that you are, you judge her a lot. Like you have a lot of anger towards her that I think you need to work through. I do. I think you need to work through.

No, absolutely. That's exactly why I'm here. I'm finding this to be that it's like poison. I just feel like it's poisonous in my life. And sorry, I don't want to get emotional, but it's like, I just recognize that. And I love her so much and I want love for her. But how is she hurting you right now?

Because you sound more invested in her decision- making than you should. I think cause I just have to hear about it constantly. It's the, I wake up at eight in the morning and there's not even a, Hey Jordan, can I kind of, can I dissect something with you? Can I, can I have like a rationale check right now? Can I like kind of process something with you? It was, it's taken months for me to ask for that from her.

Like, hey babe, can you always ask me before you just like dump on me at 8 a.m.? I really wanna be there for you, but you know, can you please just like, let's gauge if I can, if I have the bandwidth for that. So it's taken, I'm so grateful. She's finally learned that. I'm here trying to like tell her how to love me.

I'm like, we live together, let's be respectful of each other's space. But I just, I have to hear it. And it's just really hard because I just see this doing the exact opposite. And I found her to do that for many years of my life. So I think where I'm at is I really do, I do want to have this separation from her as a sense of, I don't want to say boundaries, it's just more of I'm just asking. I'm just asking that you do not, I'm just not the best person to talk about this kind of stuff with.

It just breaks my heart. It breaks my heart. And I just, I can't hear it. I'm finding myself too angry. And I wanna be honest about that. Why does it break your heart? I mean, let's say your worst fears come true. Because I just know her story.

I just know her story. Well, let's say your worst fears come true. Because I just know her story. I just know her story. Well, let's say your worst fears come true. Let's say tomorrow she's like, I'm pregnant. And she quickly, you know, and the guy's like, oh my God, I want you to have an abortion. I don't want this kid. I realize, you know, and she's just like, holy shit. You know, and then let's say she decides to have the kid. That doesn't mean her life's over.

She'll figure it out. It could be the best thing that happened to her. It is, my sister got pregnant by a guy she knew for a week. Now- Oh my, oh wow. My niece is now 18. This was 18 years ago You know and at the time when my sister got pregnant we were are put it this way

No, I was super shocked at the time. You know, okay. My sister was just making choices that felt rebellious and putting herself in bad situations and then It was just like it was kind, it almost felt inevitable at the time. But the reality is, she grew the fuck up. You know, her being a single mom with a guy she really didn't know and having to deal with some custody issues

and things like that. But it all worked out. She's married to someone else and they have a family together and she's since had more kids. And like her life's not going to be over just because she gets pregnant by a guy she doesn't know. You know?

Yeah, exactly. And so you know, thank you for sharing that. That's such a powerful story about your sister. Wow. So like I think you need to, you know, you need to stop acting like she's, it's a death sentence. It's not. But at the same time, I get that you want to set her up for success, I get that you want to have her make

healthier choices that help prevent her from maybe having a difficult pregnancy and a difficult couple early years, because make no mistake, it worked out for my sister, but it certainly had its challenges. You know, she has long years removed from it. So, but like, you know, so I think you need to like, take a step back and try to remove whatever, you know, she said some things that hurt your feelings.

She said some things that felt adversarial, but like all you can do is support her and it is her life. It's not yours. You know, her decisions don't ultimately affect yours. At any moment, you can stop being her friend, you know, her decisions don't ultimately affect yours. At any moment, you can stop being her friend, you know? So you don't have to get this invested in her choices that you are personally affected by. That, like, you shouldn't be triggered by this, you know?

I get you care about her, and I get that she said some things that, like, frustrate you and didn't even hurt you, but, like, her life choices shouldn't be triggering you and you can want what's best for her and you can want what you have you can want her to have what you have ultimately but like it is her life and she'll figure it out but it's okay for me to ask that i i don't want to hear about it sure eventually yeah okay for sure it's just it's but i just would be careful about like, again, like

That's fine. Yeah. If that's the way you want to go, that's totally fine. Yeah. You could just like listen. You sit her down. I want you to be a great mom. You're going to be a great mom. I'm just, I'm a little concerned about the choices you're making right now.

And like after, if she ignores everything you say, then you can be like, listen, ultimately, like, I'm just I can't get out. I don't want to be, I'm not, I'm not the person, I don't wanna be, I'm not the person who's gonna listen to you having, to going about what you're doing right now. And so I don't want, I'm not that person and I don't wanna hear about it.

Yeah, you have every right to do that. But it's not a personal thing. It's just like, hey man, it's like, if I had a friend who had a drug problem, and I was like, hey man, it's like, if I had a friend who had a drug problem, and I was like, hey man, I'm really concerned, and they said all the things that they're not, it's just like, all right, well, I'm not gonna be around you when you do this shit.

And I'm sorry you're doing it, and it hurts me that you're doing it, but it's like that. Yeah, that's exactly how I wanna say it. And I think, yeah, just in a season, and I have been for a few years, I've just kind of like sloughing off friends who are just maybe not in the same,

just in the same season of life of just wanting to just be better and be like actionable with what we've learned in therapy and working through. That makes sense, but just know that everyone goes at a different pace. Just in a different. Yeah.

Absolutely. And, you know, people go in and out of seasons, you know? And so I would just be careful not to only befriend people who are in the same season as you are in because seasons change, you know? And so I think you can- And an echo chamber isn't helpful at all. Yeah, so I think you can, you know, adulthood and adult friendships are very different

than adolescent and early adulthood friendships. You know, they're not like your ride or die. It's not like we, oh, it's not a matter of what are we doing, or if we're hanging out, but what are we doing, and we're always hanging out, and you're just like, you're attached at the hip, and you become codependent, and you're so close, and your best friend's really,

they know everything about you. Adult friendships are different. You can go months without speaking, and they can still be your best friend because you have your life and they have theirs and you check in with each other and then your adult friends can have friends who are making choices that they don't necessarily

agree with or support, but you can still be their friend and support them and sometimes give them constructive feedback and then sometimes you can set a boundary and have to enforce it and you can create a little distance and And that what doesn't require to, to, you know, cast off Becky and be like, well, we're not friends anymore. We can't speak to each other because I don't agree with her life choices. You know, like, you don't, you don't have to do that.

Oh, no, that's so, yeah, it's, that's not, that's not helpful. And it's, it's not aligned with, you know, what I want to be there for her, which is like this consistent person that shows up with the same like, I love you and. Yeah. So exactly. I so appreciate your perspective and I bet that was, you know, kind of hard to share you something so personal to your own family and your sister going through that.

But I think that gave a lot of perspective and also and your friend, you know, having a child, maybe with Kai, she was looking up with and really wanting that. And I kind of think that's where it's at. But thank you for that reminder of just like, this isn't about me. This isn't, I'm taking it so personally. And I think it's because it's in my home, it's in my ears, I can't get away from it. And I think it's because it's in my home, it's in my ears, I can't get away from it. And I've definitely allowed to, I do have the right to say, hey, I'm just not gonna be, I'm just not the best person to run these ideas by or these situations by.

That's just, I don't want that rule in your life. I wouldn't even say like that I'm the best person. It just comes down to like, again, you sit her down and be like, I'm just like, you're making risky choices. That's just a fact, she knows that, she understands that. There's a reason why, you to, again, you sit her down and be like, you're making risky choices, that's just a fact. She knows that, she understands that. There's a reason why, again, I think she understands. Right now, she's just trying to convince herself that's okay to do and that ultimately,

the ends justify the means. Because if she can just be a mom, that'll all work itself out. And that might be true, but again, this is about her not believing in herself and I think that will go a long way for you to like focus your energy on seeing it through that lens. That your friend doesn't believe in herself the way you believe in yourself. Your friend right now, while she might not be going through the same season you're going through,

it's that she has lacks the capability. She didn't have the emotional support growing up that maybe you had. And so, you know, she might require some grace and some patience. You know, you want her to be patient with her love life, you need to be more patient with her, you know? And yeah, that's, that's called being a friend. Yeah, absolutely. No, thank you guys so much. I really, I really appreciate it. And I think, yeah, that's exactly what it is. And I'm, it's awesome. She actually is out of town for a few days. So the perfect time for me to just kind of process it, what I want to say. And my goal is resolution, like above all else.

And I want to live at peace in my home with her and maybe just, just a little bit of distance. I know it's going to be, it's going to be really helpful, but I just want to do this in a really loving way and not. Yeah. Yeah. Because that's the only thing that matters. The most likely outcome, just so you know, I know that pulling out isn't... It's going to ice me out.

No, the most likely outcome, I don't know what you're going to decide to do with her friendship, but the most likely outcome for her is that she, again, hopefully doesn't get an STI. But minus that, the most likely outcome is that she doesn't get pregnant because as risky as her choices are, it's still difficult for people to get pregnant. There's a lot of people out there. There really is.

And these men aren't climatic inside her and even though pre-ccom you can get pregnant, that she ended up not getting pregnant. She works through this kind of risky decision making phase of her life. She maybe heals a little bit and then hopefully finds a partner and ends up having a baby with the person

she actually wants to have a baby with. That's probably still the most likely outcome. And so I understand that having unprotected sex with or you know that's probably still the most likely outcome and so you know I understand that like having unprotected sex can get you pregnant but like don't be the like oh you're definitely gonna get we don't know that she's definitely gonna get pregnant you know and I know and don't and don't make sarcastic comments like well it's 80% effective, you know. Oh gosh, yeah, I'm not gonna say that. Cause yeah, that's gonna sound condescending and judgmental.

Not a doctor, no, I'm not talking about that. Do you think it's okay, Nick, for me to share, like, so this is how I would say it. I recognize my bias in that I'm someone who is just recovering from having, you know, an STI and also my grandma having just had cancer. So I recognize my bias. I wouldn't leave with that. I want to say that and like, I totally.

But the bias. Can I bring that up? Cause I feel like that's like, then she can, cause I just want to create more context. Like I'm just not, I'm not being a slut shamer. I'm here like, whoa, can I share my personal, how this flipped my world upside down? I'm like, very long this time.

This is not about how much sex she's having. I hope it's not. This is about her having unprotected sex and trying to low-key get pregnant and having unprotected sex while she's ovulating with men and kind of convincing herself it's okay because she's had a five minute conversation about parenthood with these men

and deciding that like now we wanna get pregnant and that if they do have unprotected sex and even though he pulled out, but if they somehow accidentally get pregnant, then she can tell herself that was God's plan. Somehow it was meant to be and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So this is not about how much, so you can fuck as many guys as you want. Just do it safely and do be, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So this is not about how much, so you can fuck every,

fuck as many guys as you want. Just do it safely and do it because, you know, if you wanna have sex in hookup culture, you're doing it because you wanna have sex and you enjoy sex. But like, if you wanna have sex to get pregnant, then like, I am concerned about like, who you might be getting pregnant with

because you are gonna be a great mother and like, there's just no denying that like like making sure that you have a kid in an environment that like is tranquil and peaceful and with someone that you want to build a life with is a better outcome than like getting pregnant with someone you know nothing about really them, themselves, their families, if they're gonna want to be in your life, if they're gonna try to like take this baby from you, you know, if they have financial means to do so. Like those are realities that she needs to face.

And you can point all those out as like, just like, hey, I just, I never want you to have the greatest experience of your life turn out to be the most stressful. And I want, whenever you do become pregnant and whenever you do become a mom, I want you to be as stress free as possible. I want you to be as stress-free as possible. I want you to feel as good about it as possible.

I don't want you to be worried about the future. I want you to have as few unknowns as possible. And right now, the sex you're having, it just seems like it's about possibly getting pregnant, and that scares me for you, because I know you're gonna be a great mom and I just want you to set yourself up to success. That's what it's about.

It's not about who she's having sex with, it's not about judging her, it's not about comparing you to her. If eventually in this argument, if it escalates and she's just like, I don't know, says something, you just be like, yes, in addition to that, yes, you know that I have had to deal with, you know, like the cancer scare, you know that my grandma had this.

Like that is a secondary concern that I have for you with having unprotected sex. Yeah. But that is your journey, you know? But yes, yes, I don't want that for you, you know? And that's all you have to say. Yeah. You know? But the moment you start a conversation with,

well, I know I'm biased, then you are. No, that's not how I would start it, Nick. No, it's not right. Well, just people. No. But you just don't want to, you don't want to get her on the defensive. No, not at all.

You soften her up by letting her know just how much you believe in her. Again, this is about she doesn't believe in herself. She is making choices right now because she doesn't believe that patience will get her what she ultimately wants. She doesn't believe that if she stays the course, she's gonna find a man that she deserves

who will give her the children that she wants, that she doesn't believe it. If she believed that, she wouldn't be doing this. So this is about her lack of confidence in herself. That's what it's, and you seeing that and recognize that will allow you to have a lot more empathy than you have for her right now. Because right now you're struggling

with having empathy for her. Right now you have a lot of anger and resentment towards her. Yeah, I do. I just see, you know, saying one thing, wanting this, dreaming of this person, you know, praying for this kind of person, and then doing what's not gonna get that kind of person. And it's just so hard, I just feel like it's delusional.

And it's been a journey for me. You have to empathize where that delusion's coming from. Yeah, not believing in yourself can definitely make you feel. I mean, someone who grew up in a, someone who has abandonment issues just because of who her parents were or weren't, that tracks. This is someone who grew up in the foster apartment.

She's just like, I've had to get through life this far on my own. Why should I worry about who the fucking father is? I'm gonna raise a kid on my own. She doesn't feel worthy of the type of love that you've been able to find. And so I think you need to really, you need to see that for what it was

and that will give you the empathy that is required to have this type of conversation. And until you have that empathy, until you really believe it and you let go of some of the resentment and anger you have for her, I don't think you should have the conversation because I don't think it's gonna go the way you want.

No, absolutely. I'm definitely not ready to, and I thank you for being honest. That's exactly how I feel. Keep us posted. Thank you guys seriously so much. All right, well, dying to know how this turns out. All right, let us know.

Awesome, guys. All right, thanks. Okay, bye-bye. Thanks for listening. Hope you enjoyed this show. We enjoyed bringing it to you. Don't forget to send in those questions at asknicathevalfiles.com.

We'll see you back tomorrow for Reality Recap. Bye.