The Way I Heard It with Mike Rowe - 121: Her Most Notable Assets

Episode Date: January 1, 2019

She was plucked from obscurity and destined to satisfy the appetite of her insatiable benefactor.

This is the way I heard it. Long before, she established herself as the country's first supermodel, Blanca was accustomed to men who couldn't look her in the eye. It's not that her eyes were hard to look at. On the contrary, they were lovely, big and brown and full of possibility. It's just that her other assets were so much more notable. Thus, when she finally came face to face with the man who would become her benefactor, Blanca wasn't surprised to see his gift.

gaze drop away from her lovely countenance and settle upon her more notable assets. My God, he whispered, the photos don't do you justice. You are truly divine. Blanca was neither offended nor flattered. She merely stood there, waiting for the man in the parlor to compose himself. It's an old story. A rich and powerful man with specific tastes is smitten with a beautiful female. He offers her everything, first-class travel, five-star accommodations, a mansion filled with servants. In return, all she has to do is satisfy the cravings of a man old enough to be her grandfather. Unseemly, yes. Indecent? Perhaps. But before you cast aspersions, put yourself in Blanca's place. You're born to simple farm workers, living in the middle of nowhere.

You have no money, no education, no prospects. All you have is the daily grind of the life you know, and the assets God gave you. How do you say no? Blanca left her modest home in the country and accompanied her benefactor to the capital, where she tried to adjust. It wasn't easy.

Her benefactor was positively insatiable, indulging himself no less than three times a day. oftentimes he indulged in the bedroom, but sometimes he preferred the veranda, the roof, or the back porch. Occasionally, he indulged on the kitchen counter right in front of the staff, but his favorite place had to be the parlor,

where he indulged with a level of enthusiasm that was legendary. In the parlor, variety was emphasized, and experimentation encouraged. A collection of implements was kept on hand to heighten his pleasure. Tools of the trade, if you will. Also, in the parlor, other men with similar tastes were invited to indulge as well, maybe not three times a day like him, but often enough to keep Blanca and the other females fully occupied.

Oh yes, there were others, many others. But no woman has ever satisfied so many or become so famous for doing so than Blanca, even when she became pregnant and her most notable assets swelled to an even more impressive dimension, her popularity swelled with them. Soon, those same assets were featured on the covers of numerous publications. Marble statues adorned the countryside and a massive portrait in her like hung from the facade of the National Library. Blanca was a supermodel in every sense of the word, and when she died, the nation grieved, but no one more so than her benefactor. At his insistence,

Blanca was given a funeral with full military honors. He called upon the poet laureate to write a eulogy and the most popular songwriters of the day to compose tributes. Then, in what many consider to be the ultimate homage to her dedication to the cause, he ordered scientists to remove enough of her tissue to begin cloning experiments, before placing her naked body inside of a glass case so that the people might never forget the size of her most notable assets. Unseemly, maybe, indecently, perhaps, but before you cast aspersions, put yourself in the people's place.

You own very little, and you know that what little you do own could be taken from you at any minute. You need something to celebrate, something to look forward to. That is what the benefactor gave them, a buxom farm worker who epitomized hard work and a parlor, unlike anything the world had ever seen. For decades, the Copaola Ice Cream Parlor served no fewer than 35,000 customers a day, armed with the tools of the trade, usually a bold and spoon. The people could experiment with 26 individual flavors and eat their fill of surprisingly affordable ice cream. Maybe not three pints a day, like the benefactor, but a lot. As for the buxom farm worker, oh yes, she was a supermodel in every sense of the word, but she was also the product of a genetic experiment.

Thanks to a new breakthrough and artificial insemination, Ubre Blanca, White Utter in English, was born with a set of mammary glands that grew to over six feet in circumference. Indeed, her most notable assets produced four times more milk than the average dairy cow. In one day alone, she yielded an astonishing and record-setting 29 gallons. No wonder her benefactor tried to have her cloned. With a whole herd of white udders, his country would have become the leading ice cream producer in the world, a title he yearned to claim. But, alas, Ubre Blanca died before cloning became a thing,

and 25 years later, her benefactor finally joined her. Their legacy, however, is still alive and well at the ice cream parlor called Copailla, where the masses still gather to gorge themselves on all the government-subsidized ice cream they can eat. That was his gift to the people you see, a little something to take their minds off the crippled economy, the collapsing infrastructure, the empty grocery stores, the crushing poverty, and the tens of thousands of their fellow citizens. He executed without a trial during his 50-year reign of terror over the only communist country in the Western Hemisphere, an island nation that could have been a tropical paradise.

but was instead brought to its knees by a cigar-smoking, mass-murdering, ice cream-loving dictator who cared more about the enormous udders of his prized cow than the fate of the Cubans he ruled. A benefactor called Fidel Castro. Anyway, that's the way I heard it. The story you just heard is true, at least the way I heard it. Thank you, Chuck Klausmeier, for producing this podcast, Matthew Zipkin, thank you for hitting the buttons over here at One Union Recording Studios.

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