The Way I Heard It with Mike Rowe - 199: Mothers Day - Now With Fewer Worms

Episode Date: May 11, 2021

It's a Mother's Day surprise, complete with tapeworms, smoke bombs, large chunks of earwax, a wall of dead mice, a fly infestation, and of course, Mike's favorite mother, with a guest appearance by Mike's favorite dad. Yeah, it's a weird one.

Hey guys, it's Mike Rowe and this is The Way I heard it. Episode number 199, it's called Mother's Day, now with fewer worms. The episode begins with a true story of a very talented guitar player who washed out of two very famous bands not so long ago before finally hooking up with a supergroup that made him an undisputed American rock star. From an early age, this kid's grandmother knew that he was going to be trouble. probably on the day he blew up a perfectly good toilet with an M-80 back in junior high school. It was a pointless act of vandalism that got him suspended, and as luck would have it, onto a road that would change his life. That event is followed by the true story that inspired me to confess to my own malfeasance at the tender age of 15 when I used an M-80 smoke bomb to exact a measure of revenge on a teacher. whose unforgivable actions in the classroom deserved, in my own unbiased opinion, something akin to

retribution. My mother, as some of you know, wrote all about this unfortunate incident from my childhood in one of her best-selling books, and the way she heard it, things unfolded a little differently than I'm about to describe. So I've invited her onto the podcast to set the record straight. My dad joins us as well with his own version of events, and after that, full disclosure, things get a little weird, and maybe a little too personal. There's detailed talk of tapeworms in this episode, along with hemorrhoids, dead mice, a fly infestation, and a number of other topics that I did not plan on discussing with my parents, but nevertheless did. In other words, this was not intended to be a very special Mother's Day edition of the way I heard it.

But that's exactly what it is. It's called Mother's Day, now with fewer worms. And it all starts right now. Well, are you sick of it yet? Are you sick of AI hogging up all the headlines and sucking up all the bandwidth? You find yourself wishing we lived in a simpler time? Do you miss the rotary phone? Well, get over it.

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Chapter 21, the American rock star. The toilet had never done anything to Jason. Nevertheless, Jason was determined to blow it to pieces. His reasons were those of a moody kid plagued with enough teenage angst to fill the entire state of Washington. So, Jason lit the fuse of the M-80, dropped it into the bowl, closed the lid, and walked out of the restroom. A minute later, the toilet was gone, as a deafening roar echoed through the hallways of his junior high school. Today, a stunt like that would have landed Jason in jail. Luckily, that was the early 1980s, and the school principal decided on a week's suspension instead. Luckily or still was Jason's grandmother's decision to take the boy to one of the most expensive psychiatrists in the state, and luckiest of all

was the presence of several guitars in the psychiatrist's office. Jason didn't have much to say to the shrink. And so the psychiatrist invited him to pick up a guitar and start strumming. Before long, the two were jamming their way through their scheduled sessions, launching what his grandmother would later call the most expensive guitar lessons in the world. By the time he had finished high school, he still had some angst, but he also had a plan. Jason was going to be a rock star. His first band made a splash in the Seattle grunge scene. They showed real potential, but there was something in Jason that still wanted to blow things up, and that time it wasn't the plumbing. It was the opportunity. Jason became difficult to work with, and even less fun to be around. His friends and family

watched in horror as the promising band was forced, however reluctantly, to replace him. But Destiny wasn't quite done with Jason, after some genuine regards. regret and self-reflection, the rock star in waiting was given a second chance. This time, a band of older, more established musicians, saw his undeniable talent and welcomed him into the fold. Overnight, Jason was playing to sold-out arenas, standing ovations, and glowing reviews from everyone. But again, he couldn't seem to handle the success he thought he craved. Was he depressed, or just depressing to be around. Whatever the case was, he retreated into himself once again,

and his reluctant bandmates had no choice but to replace him. Sometimes when you hit what feels like the bottom, it's not enough to simply start over. Sometimes you need to go in a completely different direction. So Jason did something most aspiring rock stars don't do. He cut his hair. He lost the nose ring. He enlisted in the Army and applied for a fast-track program into Ranger School.

Not only did Jason get in, he excelled. From Fort Benning, Georgia, it was off to Fort Lewis, Washington, not far from where he had blown up that innocent toilet ten years earlier. There, he completed his ranger training and got a round-trip ticket to Latin America, where he fought in a number of covert drug wars. Then it was off to Asia to fight piracy on the high seas. Jason served with distinction, but he wanted more. At 26, he applied for the special forces and got in,

completing his final phase of training on September 11, 2001. In no time, he was up to his neck in the world's most dangerous places. In Afghanistan, he smelled the poppy fields of Kandahar, came face to face with suicide bombers and learned the local language. He helicoptered in for midnight raids and fought on horseback. In Iraq, he fired grenades from a Humvee in front of the front line of America's biggest conventional military operation since World War II. Jason was back on the stage now, the world stage, playing with a very different kind of band,

a band of brothers. You won't get the details from Jason. most of what he did is still classified, but the medals and photos covering the wall in the cabin he calls home today are both numerous and hard to discount. The coveted combat infantryman badge sits next to a photo of Jason with Donald Rumsfeld and General Stanley McChrystal. You might say that in blowing things up, he finally found a career he couldn't destroy. And by hitting the reset button when he did, he did something rather extraordinary. Because while Jason is certainly not the only musician to sabotage his own career, he might be the only one to do so in such spectacular, incomparable

fashion. If you thought that Pete Best blew his chance with the Beatles, consider this. The first band, Jason Bungled, sold 30 million records in a single year. The year after he got himself five, 30 million. And the second band? Don't even get me started on the second band, which outlasted the first one. Ultimately, Jason Everman, the guitar player everyone wanted, missed out on more than 100 million albums sold and many, many millions of dollars. What he wound up with was a hell of a story, the story of a guy who washed out of Nirvana and Soundgarden, but still went on to become an American rock star. Back when Jason Everman was dressed in camouflage, shooting Taliban, I was dressed in wrinkle-free rayon, shooting infomercials. But I did wear a uniform once, olive green regalia with short pants, knee socks, and a long sash festooned with a few dozen merit badges.

It was during my time in that uniform that I, too, lit a fuse, and, like Jason, I too came close to blowing up my own future. In 1976, my scoutmaster was a retired Army colonel who treated the boys in his troop, Troop 16, like recruits. His recruits. Mr. Huntington divided us into five separate patrols and put me in charge of one called the Trailblazers. Patrol leaders reported to the senior patrol leader who reported to the assistant scoutmaster, who reported to the scoutmaster. That chain of command was designed to teach us respect for authority. A scout is obedient, after all. Rick Hansen was in my patrol. He was a frail, pale kid, cursed with a serious stutter, not a minor stammer like the one I had in those days,

a full-on world-class, porky pig-style speech impediment. It was so severe, that he seldom spoke. But, one day in school, during our ninth grade science class, Ricky surprised us. Our teacher, Mr. Tubbs, asked if we knew what A.U stood for on the periodic table of elements. Rick raised his hand, an unprecedented gesture. Yes, Ricky, tell us the answer.

Is it g-g-g-g-g-g-g. Is it g-g-g-g-t. It was hard to watch. It was even harder to listen to. I wanted to say it for him. It's gold, Ricky. Gold. But I also wanted him to say it for himself.

He never got a chance to. What is gu-g-guh, Mr. Tubbs asked. Can somebody please tell me what gu-g-guh means? The class laughed. Ricky turned red. And I felt a kind of anger I'd never felt before, a righteous anger that made my ears run. ring in my fists clench. In a room full of children, Mr. Tubbs himself had behaved like a child,

a cruel child. Something had to be done, but what? What was justice for Rick Hanson going to look like? I had an idea. Later that day, while Mr. Tubbs was sitting alone at his desk reading Sports Illustrated, I lit the fuse of an M80 smoke bomb and slid it under his door. The classroom filled up in seconds with thick yellow smoke, the kind of smoke a pilot could have seen from 5,000 feet. Mr. Tubbs bolted straight out of the classroom. The smoke followed him into the hallway. The entire school was evacuated and within a few minutes fire engines arrived. Most of the smoke had dissipated by then, along with most of my anger, at which point my thoughts turned to a more pressing matter, would I get away with it? That question was answered

almost as soon as Mr. Tubbs got on the school intercom and offered a $20 reward to anyone who could identify the perpetrator of this heinous act. Before an hour had passed, a toady, let's call him Kevin, since that was his name, had ratted me out. Down at the principal's office, Mr. Tubbs made his case for my expulsion, a request the principal said he would consider. In the meantime, I was to be suspended until further notice. I couldn't believe I'd done what I'd done. I didn't know what I would tell my father, who was a public school teacher himself. For a few hours, I pretended that nothing had happened. Walking through Double Rock Park, as I always did after school, I arrived at the Maryland School for the Blind, where I had been working on my Eagle Scout project. It occurred to me as I

walked, that I might be mentally ill. Seriously, how many aspiring Eagle Scouts get themselves expelled for throwing smoke bombs at their teachers? A scout is helpful, after all. Who exactly had I helped with that active terrorism? My dad sensed right away that something was wrong. Is there something on your mind, Michael? He asked as he drove me home later that day. Well, Dad, I said, I throw a smoke bomb into Mr. Tubbs' classroom today. The school was evacuated. I've been suspended indefinitely. My father cocked his head and stared at me in much the same way. A cow might regard a new gate. Have you lost your mind? he asked. It's possible, I said. I thought of that too. But I had a good reason. My father didn't speak again until we were parked in front of the house. Then he turned to me

and simply asked, why? Mr. Tubbs made fun of Rick Hansen's stutter, I said. Dad lit his pipe and told me to go tell my mother. She too looked at me incredulously. She congratulated me on ruining my life. Then she told me to go feed the horses. I didn't sleep that night, but the next morning, Dad drove me to school, and somehow made things better. Whatever he said to the principal worked. I got off with a stern, warning and a week of detention, which was rescinded when my father pointed out that I worked with the blind after school. I dodged a bullet, no punishment at school and no punishment at home, while Kevin was ostracized for ratting me out. He became known as Kevin the Fink, and Ricky Hansen

was grateful, even though it took him several minutes to actually articulate his gratitude. There was one more anxious moment afterward, sounding every bit like the colonel he'd been. Mr. Huntington called me in front of the troop, chewed me out, and told me that I had behaved precipitously with no respect for my future, public safety, or authority. Worst of all, he said, you showed no respect for the uniform. Then he winked and told me to get back into line, where I've tried to remain ever since. Do do do do do do do do. Dumb. Is it weird to love people but despise human resources? If so, well, color me weird.

It's not to say I don't respect the millions of people who work in HR departments and companies all over the country. I do. It's just that I don't envy him. That's why MicroWorks doesn't have an HR department for better or worse. And it's also why I use ZipRecruiter whenever we need to expand. ZipRecruiter has proven themselves a million times over by helping countless employers get through the hiring process faster and more effectively than ever before.

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Odds are you'll find a human resource that just happens to be a great fit for your company in 24 hours or less. ZipRecruiter.com slash row. ZipRecruiter.com slash row. The smartest way to hire. And this for Michael. Michael Gregory, Roe.

Gregory is an excellent. Explicably, my middle name, no one knows why we don't have any Greggs in the family. It just sounded pretty. There was Gregory Peck, my favorite actor. That might have something to do with it. Oh, my God. Really? My middle name?

I'm just now learning at 59 years of age, I was named sort of after Gregory Peck. That's amazing. Sort of. Sort of. Your aunt-in-law, Mary Lou, Mary Lou, had a lot to do with it, too. She thought Michael Gregory would really be nice. Based on nothing but the way it sounded. Yeah, it sounds good.

I guess. It just doesn't, I mean, yeah. Do you think I'd have turned out different with a different name? Hopefully not. I mean, maybe for the better. Maybe if we named you Einstein. Einstein's a pretty high bar, but, you know, Frank? or Xavier?

I don't, who knows? Xavier Cougat. That's the only one I knew. She was a horror, wasn't she? No, she, Xavier was a man. Hers and him. Well, who was the, oh, Xavier Hollander was a prostitute, I believe. A famous prostitute.

I don't know that. We don't travel in your circles. What did Xavier Cougat do? I don't remember. He was a musician. He was a band leader. It goes back a few years, son. Have you ever heard of Carmen Miranda?

Didn't she wear fruit on her head? Yes. And at one point, she even had a fishbowl with fish swimming around in her hairdo. She's very clever. She sang songs, I believe. Oh, yes. And Xavier Cougat directed her, conducted? Yes.

And his trademark was he always had a little white dog with him. You know how, and for what was that, movie about blonde, the blonde? Blind ambition? No, the girl. Legally blonde. Legally blonde. Remember how she carried around that little dog in a purse? Well, Xavier Cougat always had a little white dog in his left arm. Yeah, a little chihuahua. It was a more interesting time when women had fish and fruit in their hats and band leaders carried animals in their pockets. I miss, you know, I feel like I missed out on all of that. We've got weirdos. out here in Hollywood for sure, but that's next level stuff, you know, to have a fish in your hat. On your head. On your head, right. I mean, where else would the hat go? Yeah. On all that fruit she had. A lot of fruit up there on her head. Yeah. And she kind of wiggled when she

sang too. She was quite a character. You'll have to look her up. I will. Chuck, I assume we're recording. We are recording. I'm just, you know, I was looking for a space to jump in and say, hey, why don't we get this party started, but it feels like it kind of already is. No, the party's going. Chuck kind of looked like a man in amazement. You never heard of Carmen. Carmen Miranda, yeah. She danced around with the fruit on her head, of course.

Yeah. She was a luchi-coochie gal, yeah. That's also Chuck's default position over the last few years. He's adopted a constant countenance of shock and amazement and wonder. Really? Yes. He lives in a constant state of wonderment. It comes from working for your son.

That's what I was going to say. He brings about wonderment. And you know what? I think you even would if you were named Xavier. I really wonder. You know, your husband told me once that he wanted my name to be Zach for a while. Zach. Zachary.

You told me. Sometimes I think you go to bed, have dreams. We're not thinking they're true. Well, look, it's possible, and that's what I want to talk to you about today, the way we remember things. But I remember very clearly you telling me a long, long, long time ago that you had a premonition, that you were going to have three sons. And you wanted to name them Zachary, Ezekiel, and Zebediah. Oh, you got that all right. Right?

So. Oh, yeah, I'll go along with that. All right. Now, this would have been, like, in 1960. not long after you met your wife. Like the way I remember it, you were like, look, okay, Zach, Zeke, and Zeb, sure, whatever. But then I came along and it was like, well, wait a minute. What if he's right?

You know, we can live with Zachary. But Ezekiel's tough. And Zeb is a very, very, very hard sell. So you wound up with three sons as you foresaw, but they were Mike Scott and Phil and not Zach, Zeke and Zeb. That's the way I remember it. Thoughts. You know, if I could do it all over again, I would name you all for ancestors.

Right. That would at least make sense. I should have done that. I don't know why I didn't do that. But if we ever have more children, I'm going to name them for our parents. Well, you kind of did. So Scott Carl, Carl, Carl is your father's name. Michael is dad's middle name. Gregory, my middle name, apparently is an homage to Gregory Peck, who you still secret. pine for and dream about. And Daniel means nothing at all, except the guy that went into the lion's den, I suppose, if we got old testament about it. I've always liked that name. And Philip, probably, you know, I do admire the English royalty and Prince Philip. So that might have something to do with it. And I know I was named Margaret because of Princess Margaret. Is that right?

Yes, my grandmother. Oh, my goodness. What an Anglophile my grandmother. was. And she had a great influence on my mother. So I was Margaret because of Princess Margaret. But wasn't Margaret kind of the slutty one? Well, if you're going to believe the crown, yeah, yeah, she had her shortcomings. She slept around. Yeah. Did she? Yeah, she did. Margaret? Princess Margaret? According to the crown. She smoked a lot. Okay. So first things first. I mean, it's too late for first things. But the last time we did this, neither of you were living in your new address. There's been a huge change in your life. Yes. Yes, Dad, I want to talk about this. You've left the condominium that you called home for the last 20 years. And now you're in a very different sort of home, according to your wife, who is now writing a column called Tales from the Home. It seems to be a fascinating place. But it's funny looking at this

right now. It looks exactly like the old place. I guess because I'm looking at the same furniture and the same pictures, right? Yeah. And the same old people. Same old piano behind me. Print stand. Yeah. Same old pictures on the wall. It's pretty much like our other home, but it's very different also. We've never lived in an apartment before. And we're getting used to it. Every day gets better and better. and learning our way around was difficult. Have a great gym here, Mike. Yeah? Mom says you've been going two, three times a week.

After we complete this, I'll be going today. Then I'll go a couple days in the coming week. I also understand your shuffleboard game is better than she would have anticipated. I don't know what she would have been anticipated. You'd have to ask her that. Well, Mom, you look as surprised as Chuck looks all of the time now when you talk about how good dad is with the shuffleboard. Well, he is. Your father's never been a particularly sports-minded person, but he's up for shuffleboard.

And he can play on a full stomach. I learned that last night after dinner. And apparently, quite often, he's on the winning team. The surprising thing, Mike, is your mom is pretty darn good at shuffleboard. Really? Yeah, we were throwing the, I don't know what they call them, quates or pucks. Anyway, she does a good job, slide them down. What do they call that thing?

It's called them pucks. It's not a shuttlecock. That's the... That's badminton. That's badminton. That's strange, though. Why would they call it a shuttlecock? It seems like a, well, not a shufflecock, a shuttlecock.

Yeah, because you shuttle it back and forth. but why will I call it a cock? Well, because it has feathers like a chicken, obviously. Oh, does it? Because I've never seen that. It does. They're all plastic now, but originally they had little feathers on the end to help with the flight. Then why not change the name?

Now it doesn't have anything to do with a cock. What would you call it now? Shuttle plastic? Just a shuttle. Just a, I don't know. Yeah, I think it should really. ridiculous. Let's move on. Okay. Did you listen to Chapter 21 of my book, either of you? Because that's what we're supposed to be talking about.

Well, we both have read it, and then I listened to it yesterday, but your dad hasn't. Because he's just been so preoccupied with things. Oh, all right. Well, then, Mom, you probably weren't familiar with Jason Everman or bands like Nirvana or Soundgarden. I have heard of Nirvana, but the other ones I haven't. And these, no, sorry about that. God. Have you heard of Nirvana in terms of a band or just the place where the Hindus talk about going? No, I think I've heard of it in conjunction with music, a band.

But, I mean, I've heard of Tchaikovsky and Beethoven and Brahms. All right. Well, they're not in this episode. So, all right. So never mind the chapter. What about the grout? What about my time in the Boy Scouts? What about the smoke bomb incident?

Do either of you remember any of those? those things happening. Well, sure. Yes, indeed. We remember the smoke bomb vividly. Even though we weren't there, we certainly had the repercussions. Well, you were there for the aftermath. Yes.

Well, and it wasn't the way we raised our son. You know, we didn't teach you out of the lob smoke bombs into classrooms. It wasn't so much of a lob as a careful sliding. sliding under the door. Oh, okay. But you know what? It must have been very small to slide under the door. Well, there was a big gap.

There was about a two-inch gap between the bottom of the door and the floor. And the M-80 smoke bomb was maybe an inch thick, if that. So it was actually a pretty easy slide. I also left something out of my story. I had an accomplice. I don't know if I should mention his name because I had. have changed. Yeah.

Mr. Tubbs was not really Mr. Tubbs. And Rick Henson was actually not Rick Henson. I noticed that. And my friend, just as well. My friend Steve, whose last name we won't mention, actually lit it for me.

And I slid it under. Yeah. Well, did Steve also supply it? Uh, he did. Yeah. He did.

I don't think I've ever seen a smoke bomb. Well, it looks just like, like an M80. It just looks like a big firecracker. Oh, kind of long then. Well, it's about if you picture, say, a roll of quarters. It's about half the length of a roll of quarters. Okay. And the same. I can understand now how you could slide it under the door because I was thinking it was a round thing. Oh, you mean like a cannonball bomb, like the classic cartoon bomb? Or like a hand grenade. No, no. I I wasn't exactly sure where the line was, but I'm pretty sure an actual bomb and a hand grenade would have absolutely resulted in my expulsion.

Mike, I really appreciated the connection you made between scouting and the smoke bomb incident. Because that was never real clear in my mind. But now that I think back, you knew, what do you call the boy? Ricky. Ricky. You knew Ricky from scouting. And I had kind of forgotten that. And it was nice that he talked about his scout troop and Mr. Huntington and how he was very military in his approach to scout leadership. He was MacArthur, wasn't he? With his cornucal pipe. He was. I mean, Glendon Huntington ran a very tight ship. You know, he was all about discipline. He had the whole troop broken down into patrols, and there were calisthenics, and there was revely, and there was taps, and there was a senior patrol leader, which I eventually became one,

but at the time it was a guy named Maurice Lebrun. Oh, yeah. You know, I mean, it was a paramilitary operator. It was very different than the Boy Scouts today. I don't know if you remember it, but there was a boxing ring where, you know, the kids could settle their differences. I mean, it was. Oh, it was very, very different.

We went to the shooting range on a number of occasions, bow and arrows. We'd set up there in the back. You know, the games we played were extraordinarily violent. I mean, capture the flag wasn't so bad, but swing the thing. You remember swing the thing? Do you know where I heard about swing the thing? You were the speaker at the Boy Scout Jamboree. a few years back.

And you were on the stage, and there were like 100,000 people on the hillside listening to you, and there was a big jumbotron. And you talked about your experiences in scaling. And one of them was to mention the games that you really had enjoyed. And one was swing the thing and capture the flag, of course. And everybody there could relate. That's what made it so much fun. Because I don't think you're allowed to play those games anymore.

You can still play Capture the Flag. But I mean, every week, somebody went home with a sprained finger or a bloody nose or a limp. This swing the thing, geez, they took a tent bag and they filled it with wet rags. And they tied a 10 foot rope to it and formed a circle around one guy who stood in the middle and swung the thing around the floor. And you had to jump over it. And if you didn't, it hit your ankles and down you went like a cheap card table. Little did we know you were doing those things. Well, we were doing those things.

And we were also, you know, we were like a well-organized gang. We had firecrackers in M-80s, and we used to take cigarettes. And we'd light a cigarette, and we'd put the fuse of the M-80 into the back of it. You'd knock off the filter. And we'd just leave it in the middle of a trail at like 2 a.m. up at Broad Creek. And then we'd run back half a month. to the tents and just lie there awake, waiting for that thing to light the fuse. And when that thing blew up, I mean, God, you heard screaming from all over the different camps.

Nobody knew what it was. So the Boy Scouts, for me, was, you know, it was a lot of discipline, but it was also a lot of chaos and some fairly sketchy behavior. Yes. Indeed. And, you know, it would never fly now, the things that you did then. They just wouldn't be appropriate. And, you know, my scouting depends so much on the leadership.

I know there are rules that come down from the top. But your scout leader so determines the mood of your troop. It's like a classroom, right? I mean, you guys both taught school. You know, you can have great classes in very average schools or terrible classes in terrific schools. It comes down to the teacher. Indeed. Well, you had, who was the leader? Don Myers. Yes, he was a good leader too, wasn't he? He was terrific. He was a detective on the Baltimore City Police Force. Right. So, you know, I do talk a lot about the men who were in my life when I was a boy. You, obviously, Dad, were the most important with Pop a close second. Fred King, right up there. Glendon Huntington and Don Myers.

two scoutmasters who really were big fans of consequences and weren't afraid to let their kids fail. And you know, the thing with the smoke bomb, I mean, it really happened because it just felt so personal. A teacher made fun of a student, something you guys would simply never do as teachers. And I knew you were horrified by it. And the teacher didn't deny that that happened. So I just, you know, I felt like there needed to be a consequence in my ninth grade mind, right? It just seemed very righteous to me to do this. But I don't know if you remember, Dad, the assistant principal there was a guy named Mr. Crowley. And he happened to be a scoutmaster in another troop.

And after you came in and said, whatever it is you said to get me back in school, I told him that I was on the road to be an Eagle Scout in Troop 16, and he said, well, not in my troop, you wouldn't. And that hurt almost as bad as anything else. Yeah. No, that wasn't nice. Did he know your reason? I don't really know. I mean, look, to be fair, it was outrageous.

That school filled with thick yellow smoke. Somebody pulled the fire alarm. Everybody was evacuated. We all were standing outside when the fireman. rushed in. I knew I had crossed the line, and I didn't know what was going to happen as a result. Now, some, that part is new to me. I never knew as the fire department came to your school. Oh, yeah. Somebody pulled the alarm. And I think the most poignant part of that story is one that I was not aware of either. And that was Mr. Huntington's response to you.

and how he was kind of critical of you, but yet you knew that he approved of what you had done. Yeah. To defend somebody more helpless than you. Yeah. Ricky was in my patrol. We were called the trailblazers. And Mr. Huntington had us all fall in,

and he chewed me out in front of everybody and then winked at me and told me to get back in line. I think that's the last line of the podcast, in fact. back in line where I've tried to remain ever since. You know, I wrote about this in my book, in my second book. And while my memory of it isn't precisely the same as yours, the main facts are the same. And I have a little passage here. Can I?

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Okay, so you came home from school and you said to me, I did something really stupid today. I've never done anything this band in my whole life. How could I be so dumb? I hadn't seen like this dejected since we initiated the no TV on school nights policy. Whatever it is, it can't be all that bad, I said, giving him a reassuring hug, then sliding the cookie jar toward him. Tell me about it. He finished his tale of woe with words I never expected to hear from one of my children. I'm suspended for three days.

My jaw dropped. Suspension was a big deal, especially in this family of educators. But naturally, I couldn't scold the boy, not in his distraught state. after three days you have to come for a conference with the vice principal he added giving me a sideways glance Mr. Smith is a terrible teacher I called him Mr. Smith he makes fun of kids in front of the whole class especially Joey when he stutters he actually mimics him did I mention that it was a smoke bomb too he covered his face with his hands Michael I said putting my arm around him I'm going to tell you a story about your grandfather I think it will make you feel better to the extent that any mortal being can achieve perfection in this life my father had. Years ago, Michael would eulogize him using words such as humble, honest, generous, forgiving, and brilliant.

Quite simply, Carl Noble embodied the qualities people most admire and aspire to. When Poppy was your age, he smoked cigarettes, and one day he got caught smoking in the outhouse at Fullerton School. Michael lifted his head. What? Poppy? Uh-huh. He left school that day with a note for his parents. They had to come in for a conference before their son could return. He hid the note and for the next three days instead of going to school, your grandfather camped out at the stream until it was time to go home. Our stream, Stammers run? The very same. After three days of hiding out and fretting, he came clean to his mother. So she went in for a conference and all was forgiven. Poppy did that, Michael said, reaching for a cookie. He seemed to be adjusting to his predicament.

Isn't it funny how I kind of remember all of that conversation, but that's not the chronology I remember it in. And people should know the Poppy I'm referring to is the same guy that inspired dirty jobs and ultimately micro works. He was our next door neighbor and your father and a huge impact in our life. So, yeah, that made me feel a little better, but I remember it differently. I remember telling Dad out in the car and then him coming up into my bedroom and asking me to tell him again exactly what happened and just feeling sick to my stomach and then going into school the next day. Where I had been suspended, I wasn't allowed to go back, but we went in and you said.

Do you remember why? Not exactly. The following morning, John rose early and told Michael to get ready for school. Oh, I'm not allowed to go back for three days, remember? I don't want to go to school today. Oh, you're going back today, insisted his father, in a tone that meant no arguing. Staying home for three days is out of the question. I protested privately, of course, comparing my husband to Abraham in the Old Testament. You're sacrificing our son to the education gods, I declared in an absurd, dramatic plea that made even me smile. John rolled his eyes and stood

firm. In the vice principal's office, he pled his son's spotless record. Quote, he's ashamed and regrets his actions and wasting three days at home is absurd. The administrator relented and Michael faced the music that day while I sat at home imagining my poor boy the object of ridicule and rejection. But that's not what happened, does it, Mike? No. No, no, it's not. But it's not. But it's It's not so far off the mark. It's the way you remember it. Dad probably remembers it differently. In fact, I'm sure you do. But like so many other things, the dots are all there. It all happened in some way, shape, or form. Well, I believe in my talking with the AP, he understood where we both were coming from with regard to Mr. Smith. He was a bad teacher.

It seems like one of the requirements for you being reinstated and having the three-day suspension suspended was you're promising to apologize to Mr. Smith. Do you remember it that way? I do. I had to apologize to him. And honestly, I think the other thing that worked was, I mean, I was. in the Scouts. And I was a year away from becoming an Eagle Scout. And I was volunteering at the time at the Maryland School for the Blind. And I was on the surface anyway, a pretty good kid. And it did seem like an isolated incident. And yeah, you went full Perry Mason in there and made a pretty good

case. And so I was back in school. And everybody thought I was super cool because nobody liked that guy. Nobody liked it. You slayed the dragon, Mike. I took a swing at him. You know what? He was still there, but diminished in some small way, I think. Yeah. I think I don't know, but I have a feeling that he and the voice principal had a little powwow that was detrimental to Mr. Smith.

Yeah. Look, I hope I got the guy fired, honestly. I don't know. I really do. I mean, there are a lot of terrific teachers out there, but there are a lot of non-terific teachers. Oh, absolutely. You know what you told us one time? No.

And not all that long ago, you said that you were really a hero at school after this incident. And you said, you know, hiring a publicist couldn't have made me any more popular in that school than this incident. No, because publicists handle spin. If you actually do something and pay a price for it, some price, then yeah, your stock goes up in a weird way. So my stock went up at Troop 16. It went up in my class in the school. The only guy who really looked askance at me after that was the teacher. And that was fine by me.

I'm not really sure looking back. I learned any lessons here at all. that are worth passing on. It's just a thing that happened that somehow or another, you and I both wound up writing about, Mom. Weird. Yeah. All right.

So, Dad, let's move on to your ear. Something the size of a... Yeah. No, I got a bunch of people on Facebook asking me if Mom's most recent post is true. You went completely deaf in your left ear. I thought I was going to become a Van Gale. A Van G. Oh, a Van Gau?

Yeah, it's not really pronounced go, actually. Look it up. Is that right? It's Gell, Van Gell? Yeah, yeah. And his first name is Van Sint. Van Gowl? Is that who we're talking about?

Well, anyway, yes, I was quite relieved to find out I had wax in my left ear because I thought I was really going totally deaf in that ear. And it made a world of difference to have it removed. Dad, I had the same thing happened to me when I was living in Westchester. I dove into a pool. And when I resurfaced, I couldn't hear anything out of my left ear. Nothing. And I thought I had ruptured an eardrum or something.

I went to the doctor and he looked inside. and he said, oh, and then he took this blue thing full of warm water. Yeah. Blasted it into my ear. And he was holding what looked like a bedpan in his other hand. Yes. And a chunk of something awful fell out of my ear. It made a sound.

Like, you know, it was that heavy. And all of a sudden, the stereo was back. It felt like a breeze was on my hammer stirrup and anvil. It was such a relief. But don't you know the other thought that went through your mind? Well, maybe my father was right years ago telling me, stop playing that music so loud, you're going to go deaf. You did say that a lot.

I did. And so look who went deaf. And it's from your loud music. It's from your loud music. I compare this to someone with cataracts, having their cataracts. moved and suddenly there's vision they can see. It was that traumatic. And when that doctor looked in there and said, oh, your left ear is completely blocked.

We just felt so grateful that, you know, it isn't total deafness. Yeah. What I can't figure out is why does one ear accumulate wax and the other doesn't? And you know, the funny thing is I took a picture of it when it came out. ran over with my camera and I quick took a picture of it. I think the doctor thought I was a little wacky. And then I enlarged the picture so that in my post on Facebook, it looks enormous. People think it was the size of a potato, but really, it was just the size of a pea.

And it was awful looking. It looked like a little frog without legs, like a tadpole in the later stages, you know. I got way over a thousand comments from people about how disgusting that thing. Well, you know, there are stories of things that have grown in ears like potatoes. Like things, I mean, it's all, there's nothing new under the sun, but all sorts of things. Creatures. Listen, one of the comments on my page was from a woman who said that she's a nurse. And one of her awful experience was flushing out a lot.

live cockroach from a child's ear. I mean, this big, full-grown cockroach came floating to the top of the ear and out into the pan. Honestly. Oh, come, boy. A real cockroach. A real cockroach. A real cockroach.

A living cockroach. A living cockroach. He probably had just taken up residence very recently. And anytime you find something living in your body, a worm. Like when a worm crawls out of your leg, you know. Well, Michael, you know, there are intestinal worms that, well, this is probably a little too explicit, but a doctor told me this. There are intestinal worms that crawl out of you at night and then go back and then go back in.

Isn't that disgusting? That just kind of come out for a little fresh air, a walkabout. Down, out to the city lights. for a while and then back. Come on, boys, we got to get back before dawn. Otherwise, you know, the whole house is gone. Like Cinderella, you know. She had to leave by midnight.

You know, I heard a story about in Nepal when you get those, there are two types of tapeworms, you know, the kind that live in your stomach. Yeah. Or the kind of live in your intestines. And, oh, the, if you don't have access to the kinds of medicine, to treat those, what they do over there. That's so bad, but they'll strap you down to a table and you won't eat for three days, right?

So the worms are hungry and they'll take a piece of rancid meat and they'll and they'll dangle it in front of your mouth and the worms in your stomach will smell it and they'll crawl up through your esophagus and out of your mouth to get to the meat. That's how they get them out. It's a horrible video if you haven't seen it. But dad, it's worse. For the ones in your intestines, they flip you over and you're naked and they hold that rotten meat right over your butt. And those worms come crawling out, big ones.

Oh, Michael, this would be terrible to watch just before you go to dinner. You know, one night, Dad spends some time in the bathroom. And sometimes he'll take, sometimes he'll take his tap than him. thing. And I wrote a blog on my page about this. And one night, your father was in the bathroom with his tablet. And I had gone to bed and I was like 10 feet from the door. And dad said, oh, my God. Did you know this tape worm came out and it's seven feet long? Yes. See, he had read a story about it. And I thought he was, I thought it was happening. Man, and I jumped up. Honey, get in here. Bring the camera here. Well, Dad, any time you go into the bathroom with your tablet, I mean, you're really sending a message to everybody else in the house. I'll see you in an hour or two. I know. I'll see you tomorrow.

It's a good thing we have a two-bathroom apartment. Well, we heard a story. about someone who, wherever she lived, her walls had become infested with mice. Mice inside. And I guess apparently they came out at night and gave her a fit, or she could hear them as well inside the walls. Anyway, they had a exterminator come in, and he did his job and apparently killed the mice. but then her house became infested with flies. It seems that the motherfly had laid her eggs on the dead mice.

The larva, right? And when they hatched, consequently, we ended up with a house full of flies after having an infestation of mice. Let me just add, this was not in our house. Just in case you're wondering. Well, let me just circle back very briefly, Dad, to point out that at the same time, you were telling me as a child to stop listening to the headphones too loud. You were still venturing into the bathroom with like the entire Sunday paper. You would go in there with the News American in one hand and the Baltimore son and the other.

And we were like, okay, I guess maybe we'll see him for dinner. Well, we didn't have any toilet paper in those days. We never got both of those papers, Mike. We only got the evening song. Yeah, because the News American caught wind of what you were doing to theirs, and they were like, that's it, we're not delivering anymore. Did you say caught wind? There's a little double entendre there.

I don't know. Do you think your fans are going to enjoy listening to this time? What are you going to do with it? I don't have any fans left. Look, no, I'm trying to make the point that now later in life, you were right. The loud headphones are probably not the best thing to do for your hearing. But boy, you can cause a lot of problems as well by spending too much time on the bowl, sitting there reading all the news that's fit to print.

Yeah, it puts a lot of pressure on the old O ring, right? I mean, I don't want to get too personal with it, but I think we've all experienced. It's a little bit for that, Mike. I think we've all experienced the consequence. of spending more time than necessary on the bowl, Dad. I think this whole show has become a potty talk thing. You're bringing up stories of dead mice and infestations of flies and things. I'm just saying that you came up with the worms and the tapeworms and whatever.

Talk to your wife. She opened the door for all of this. I'm just trying to leave my dozens of listeners with something salvageable and useful. in terms of advice. I don't think they got anything else. If there's anybody left, you mean? If there's anybody left, this advice still basically is good. Don't throw bombs of any kind, smoke or otherwise in school.

Don't listen to headphones too loud because it will over time have a negative impact on your hearing. And don't spend too much time on the bowl because, you know, hemorrhoids are a real thing. I mean, I've had them. I'm not a ship, Dad, I know you've had them. I've had them. Scott has them. Scott's got them right now, the size of a grapefruit, the poor guy.

Oh, that's true. And mom. I'll be writing about anything that I want you to know about. You'll have to buy my next book to hear my personal story. That's the ultimate problem. And it's in there. Obviously, suddenly run in the family. Oh, geez.

Dad, that's awful. Gee, we better. You know what? This is really deteriorating. It has. That's bring up a happy thing. Well, why don't we just wrap it up? We've been talking for 40 minutes.

We ought to be in time. There's some secret. You know what? You started talking to Dad before about, he told you about the gym, but they really have an awesome fitness center here. They have every piece of equipment I think is, that's out there. and an Olympic-sized pool that just opened yesterday. And so Dad's going to get back into swimming because he's a good swimmer.

Oh, I don't know. I manage you stay above water. You swim a mile. Are you kidding? He has a nice stroke. I'll tell you that. All right. Very good.

Dad has a good stroke. Are you still doing the three miles a day around the joint there, Dad? Yes, I try to do that, yes. Well, look, I mean, kidding aside, you're an inspiration for, If you're not, you should be. You know, this whole lockdown COVID thing, you know, I bred the other day, and I'm sure this is true. I've confirmed it all over the place. 78% of everybody who either succumbed to the disease or went into the hospital had one thing in common.

They were obese. 78%. Wow. And had we known that? a year ago, and I think we did, but had we talked about it, more people, I think, would have been doing what you've been doing for years, which is get their ass out of bed every morning and walk, a good solid three miles. I did it, and it really helped me, and Chuck lost 30 pounds, walking. We used to talk on the phone every morning during these walks, and so many people could

have done such a good thing for their health, but they didn't because they were listening to their headphones too loud, we're spending too much time on the bowl, reading the newspaper, or for whatever reason, you know, I just think that your commitment to staying healthy. You're 89 years old now. No, I'm not. Yes, he will be. He's 89 this year. Next year, he's 90. You're in your 89th year. You're well, there's a difference. I have until November, it's become officially 89. So that's a long ago. November.

You never know when that accent is You've got some pretty pictures on their wall. Can you get a close up of those pictures on your wall? Nobody can see them but you, Dad. But yeah, there they are. I'm trying to make them out. I can't see them.

Well, you've got a, that's me jumping out of a plane. That's over here. Yeah. What are you looking at? What? Which one? Well, to, I guess it'd be. to your left.

Okay. That's where it went off the rails. What happened was, is Mike, in order to find out what his dad was pointing to on the wall behind him, stood up and walked away without any regard for the fact that he had headphones in that were connected to his microphone, which was connected to his computer, and everything went ass over T-cooks and it ended our recording. Isn't that quite right? Yeah.

Yeah. The last 15 minutes, folks, I'm sorry. we don't have any proof, but I wish you could have heard everything that happened. Mom, you're still there? I'm still here, but Dad has gone to the fitness center. He has only so much patience, you know. I do. Oh, God. What a weird conversation. Well, thank him for me when you see him later today. And thank you for whatever this was. We covered a lot of ground, Mom. I know. I hope it wasn't too distasteful. distasteful no not at all it was disgusting all i can think of was all was worms crawling out of my butt hole in my throat and rancid meat hanging in front of me while i'm being tied down this is awful

who are you people that's all i kept thinking was who are these people i remember them as very nice people when i was a kid as long as we left you happy child that's not the kind of people who would have walls filled with mice and you know an infestrian A frustration of flies. Oh, my God. What a strange turn this took. But, gosh, it's great to see you, Mom. Good to see you, hon. Always nice to see you, Chuck. Same year. Are you really writing a story about your hemorrhoids? Michael. Yes. My new book should come out in early 2022. Uh-huh.

You just never know what's going to be in there. But whatever I do will be tasteful. Is it going to be a pop-up? Oh, pop out. Ah. No, Michael. No, of course. All right. Please tell me it'll be worm-free.

Oh, yeah. There are no worms in my third book. Yeah. Hold on a second. Quite finished it. I think I just got the title for this podcast. Let me write it down. So there are no worms in my third book.

That's a quote. Good. All right. This has been fun. And by fun, I mean super weird. Oh, it's always nice to work with you, Mike, and it's always nice to see you, Chuck. Same here. You made my day.

You made mine. And I believe I'm going to have some nightmares as well. Mike, you want to tell them? Yes. You want to tell them where they can get the book if they so desire in its entirety? Yeah, you can download the entire book wherever you download entire books. Audible is one place. There are other places.

Or if you'd prefer to listen to us gently. analyze one chapter at a time, as we've been doing. You can come back and experience all that for free next week with Chapter 22 or something like that. B-Y-O-W. Bring your own worms. Oh, and I'll tell you what, at the risk of having you actually do this, gentle listener, if you'd be so kind to rate this podcast, I don't know. I'm not sure what you just heard was five. star material, but I don't know. If you can see fit to giving us a rating, I'm told it actually helps. Mike, do you know when this actually airs this podcast?

That was live. It just happened. Oh, no, it did not. No. I mean, when can people actually listen to it if they are so inclined? Well, the thing is, Mom, they've already listened to it. It's already happened, even though it's, you see what I mean? Like, this is at the end of the podcast and they've just heard everything.

and so it's already behind them. Oh, I see. I see. But when will they listen to the regular podcast? Oh, well. I can help with this. It'll drop on the 13th of April. Wait a minute.

This is May. Oh, well, then I'm wrong. Maybe it's, what is today, the second? The 13th of May. It'll be the 11th of May. But again, it won't matter because when they hear this right now, it will have already been the 11th. of May. I don't think she's asking for the audience, Mike. I think she's asking because she wants to know so that when she can listen to it or tell her friends to listen to it.

We'll just send you a link beforehand and you can listen to it. Not that it'll... Because I would hate to think it was coming out on Mother's Day because really I can do a lot better than this. Can we try it again, Mrs. Rowe with less hemorrhoed in it? Fewer worms. Okay. Mother's Day. Now with less worms. Fewer worms, huh? Fewer. Is it fewer?

What's the main difference between fewer and lesser? Well, if you're talking about fewer, it's something that you can count. Less is kind of a quantitative amount, like less milk. Fewer cows would lead to less milk. That's fair. I think you did there. That's good. Fewer worms would lead to less screaming.

Or would it? Would it? Well, you could count. You did a dirty jobs about worms one time, remember? The kind that live in the ground. A worm grunting, they called it. Yeah, that was pretty interesting. I learned so much from those dirty jobs.

Well, you're going to learn a lot more. We just finished, let's see, the fourth of six episodes last week. So, yeah, I got two more trips to take, and then we'll put together six and see if anybody likes them. And then if they do like them, well, God help me. we'll do more. Well, Michael, people here at the home see our last name and they are very curious. Oh, are you related to the dirty jobs guy? Are you related to Mike Roe? So, of course, we say, no, never heard of him. That's the way. That's the way to do it. Oh, yeah. No, our son is Zach. I don't want to hurt our reputations any further. All right. I love you.

Love you guys too. and I'll get out of here. Okay. Don't leave yet. Oh, okay. Yeah, just stay. We just need to end it. And you probably don't want me to leap up either, do you, Chuck?

And walk back toward the wall of photos. No, please, please don't stand up and walk away while you're still tethered to the computer. Thanks, everybody. Talk to you next week. Stop wasting time scrolling through endless clickbait, social media, and emails, trying to keep up with the news. Instead, listen to all the news you need in just 10. 10 minutes. Welcome, welcome to The Newsworthy. The Newsworthy podcast makes it faster, easier, and more enjoyable to get unbiased news on the go. It helps us navigate the news without feeling overwhelmed. Even when my time is limited.

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