The Way I Heard It with Mike Rowe - 309: Coffee with Mom—Pelvic Thrusts and Ball Squeezing with America's Grandmother

Episode Date: March 31, 2023

Grab a cup of Joe and join three-time bestselling author Peggy Rowe, a.k.a. Mike's mom, as she catches us up on the shuffleboard finals ice cream social, the senior version of beer pong, getting recognized in the elevator, why you shouldn't play board games with Mike, not-so modern banking, and how to write naughty without getting bawdy. 

Do do do do do do do dumb. Well, are you sick of it yet? Are you sick of AI hogging up all the headlines and sucking up all the bandwidth? You find yourself wishing we lived in a simpler time. Do you miss the rotary phone? Well, get over it. The genie is out of the bottle. The poop is out of the goose, I'm afraid.

AI is here to stay. And every business in the country is asking themselves the same question. How do we make it work for us? Well, the answer to that question varies, but you'll find it in a free guide that you can get right now at netsuite.com slash Mike. It's called demystifying AI. It's totally free. It's essential reading for anybody trying to make sense of a future that appears to have arrived yesterday. NetSuite, of course, is the number one AI enterprise resource planning software out there, trusted by over 43,000 businesses. with NetSuite, you can use the AI of your choice, GROC or Claude or chat, GPT,

whatever else is out there to connect to your actual business data, all of it, and automate all of those tiresome, time-sucking, soul-deaddening manual processes. This is AI built into the system that's currently running your business. Learn more at NetSuite.com slash Mike. And while you're there, pick up their free business guide,

demystifying AI. It's filled with some of the system. super useful information, and again, it's free at netseweet.com slash mike. That's netsuite.com. A cup of coffee with my mom. Well, look, it begs the question, though, do you have anything memorable to say, mom? And that's really what it's going to...

I just might. We'll see where things lead. Oh, God. We're having one of those days, folks. It started out as a simple cup of coffee with my mom as planned. But of course, she's got the new air buds and that created havoc. And I knocked my coffee over a half hour ago covering my keyboard with black rifle, highly caffeinated. Coffee with my keyboard.

And then I began to curse. It's probably good that we've been delayed because I've got all the cursing out of my system. Yeah, you said some good ones too. I got most of the really bad shit out of the way, but my God, I thought of Uncle Charles. He's not your uncle. What was Charles to you, Mom, the fisherman, the big... Yeah, he was my uncle. My mother's brother was my uncle.

He was your great uncle. My great uncle. Right. That guy could cuss, man. That guy... He never did it in front of me. You're kidding. I kid you not.

Really? Mother was probably in the room and wouldn't happen. No, around me he did. And he was casual about it. You saw him at work on the fish boat, and I'm sure his language varied. Yeah. Yeah. It wasn't the same as around the house.

He was the captain, Chuck, of a Menhaden boat. You familiar with Menhaden? I'm familiar with the Woman Haders Club. No, no, no, no. Not Menhaden. Manhaden, M-E-N-H-A-D-D-N, I believe. It's an industrial fish. You don't want to eat them.

There's so much oil in these things that they would basically catch them. And it didn't matter if they came back dead, right? You know, like crab and most fish you want to eat. You've got to keep them in a live tank. Right. These things didn't matter. They'd stack them up on the deck and they stunk to high heaven and they'd run them through a compressor and just get all of the

the oil out of them. And they would use that oil in like vaseline and all sorts of industrial lubricants. And they would use the bones. They'd grind it up and use them as like an amalgam in jewelry. But it stunk, man, and fishing for these things. How do they get the stink out?

I mean, you can't have, you know, fishy smelling Vaseline. Well, I mean, I don't like that's way down the, you know, way down the manufacturing chain. What you do to Vaseline to get a, it not to smell like rotten fish is, I don't know the answer to that. Mom, I mean, did you ever get any insight? No, but did I mention to you that we just came back from an ice cream social, speaking of rotten, stinking fish? What kind of segue is this? And it was delightful, because you're going way off the track. Your listeners aren't interested in smelly oil from fish.

Yeah, Mike. They're here for me. Right? You're probably right. You're probably right. I mean, it's called coffee with mom, and here I am talking about a dirty job. That wasn't even on dirty jobs. It ain't coffee with fish. No. You and dad actually attended like an old-timey ice cream social? We did, and it was so nice. There were over 100 people there.

People who participated in the shuffleboard season. They were all on teams, and they gave awards to the top team. So Dad's team came in second in the Day League, which was pretty good because there were 26 teams. Oh, that's terrific. Good. Yeah. So that was really good. Does the team have a name, Mum? Well, yes, because our name is Roe and Dad's partner's last name is Zeiler, which is spelled Z-E-I-L-R. So they call themselves Z-R, which might not say.

sound like a good omen for a team. I guess it depends on what kind of game you're playing. Is it spelled Z-E-R-O-Dash? Oh, okay. Z-E-D-R-O, zero. Oh, Z-E-R-O. Anyway. Well, that's kind of clever.

It was fun. We played games. And one of the games we played was called Chuffleboard Plinko. There's a long table and you roll a ball down the table. and there are cups taped on the other edge, on the long edge, and your ball goes in one of those cups. But along the way, there are little plastic cups that are obstacles that will misdirect your ball from your goal,

from the cup that says 100 points. Anyway, it was fun. Interesting. How's this not beer pong? This sounds a lot like beer pong. Oh, it probably is. It probably is. But, you know, they gave it a different name.

Well, it's an ice cream social. Plinco. Yeah, with a lot of old people. All right, so backing up, wait, wait, wait, wait. Shuffleboard season is officially over. Officially over. And the ice cream social was a way to mark that occasion. It was the culminating event of the season where they recognized the winner.

And there was a 50-50 raffle. And there were games. and a lot of just social interaction, which was fun. You got to meet people that you didn't even know because there are over 2,000 people here in independent living. So there are a lot of people. How many people know you at this point, would you say? You've been there a couple years?

I'd say almost everybody there knew who I was. Of course, I had a big sign on me that said Peggy. Guess who was there? A woman that I have only met one time. I got on the elevator one day, and there was a woman on there I hadn't seen before. Nice looking woman younger than I am, but most people here, well, at least half of the people here are younger than I am. Attractive woman, and I said, I don't think I've met you before. What is your name?

She said, oh, I'm Sarah, S-A-R-A. And I said, oh, well, and I showed her my name tag. I said, I'm Peggy. She said, I know who you are. You are the reason I live here. And I said, what? And she said, oh, I've been following you. Oh, dear. And you made...

She didn't have a rabbit with her by any chance, did she? Is this a happy story, Mom? A dead rabbit. A dead rabbit, great. No, it's good, honey, I only tell good stories. And anyway, she said that, yeah, I'm here because I follow you. And you have made your senior living facility sounds so good. I thought I'd check it out.

and here I am. Well, apparently she's not the only one, but I said, Sarah, I'm getting ready to do a podcast with my son, and a lot of people will hear it. Would you have any objection to my using your name? I said, I'll just use your first name. She said, none at all. Feel free. You know, I'm proud to be here.

I'm happy I'm here. Isn't that a good story? Yeah, it's a great story. Well, you know, it's all about word of mouth. years ago, living in a senior facility, it just did not have a good vibe, a good reputation. And if you mention the home, people would say, oh, they would just shudder the home, you know, picturing neglected seniors, you know. This is just so different.

And in my, you know, Simon & Schuster and Forefront Books insist that I have a social media presence. I do. And in my stories, I tell stories about the home, and I call it the home. And people have come to realize it's a good connotation, the home, you know. I never thought it was a bad, I mean, you know, be it ever so humble, there's no place like, you know. Home sweet home. Blank sweet blank, fill in the blank, you know, it's, yeah. Yeah, but you know what, I'll take home for a hundred, Alex. Hey, by the way, I was an answer on Jeopardy last week and a month before. People are telling me every place I go, hey, did you watch Jeopardy?

Your son, his name was on Jeopardy. He was an answer. And so I say, well, you know, he's been in the New York Times crossword puzzle too. And listen, he was on Sesame Street years ago. I knew he had arrived when he was on Sesame Street. But, yeah, Jeopardy, that's good, too. It depends, though, right? I mean, at first I was thinking, gosh, I wonder what, never mind the category, am I a $1,000

answer or a $500 answer or a $200 answer, right? What was the answer? Well, I think the answer was Mike Rowe, but the question is what was the question? Or was that the question? That was the question. Who is Mike Rowe? Who is Mike Rowe? Of course.

I forgot how the game worked. So I don't know what the answer was, you know, worked on a smelly fish boat with his uncle Charles who cursed a lot, you know? Has inappropriate podcasts. Yeah, it's hard to know. Big potty mouth. Because at first I was like, gosh, I hope I was a $1,000 question. But really, that's the wrong thing to hope for, right?

Because if you're in my stupid business, you want to be known. Or the easier the question is, the more known you are. So what you really want to be is like a $100 question. Or in the New York Times. That's right. You want to be in the Monday edition, not the Sunday edition. So that's why I'm asking. Where was I ranked, Mom? Do you recall? Is the Sunday edition for dilettons or something? It's hard. Honey, Sunday's hard. I have to admit, I don't watch Jeopardy. It's too upsetting because I know answers. I know them. But when you get old, your recall isn't what it used to be. And it's on the tip of my tongue and I can't think of it. And when there's, a time element, I don't stand a chance. So I'm not good. And you know, the really frustrating thing is if you see a replay of it and you've already seen it and you still don't know the answer.

That's tough. Yeah. Because that's just a reminder that you're not as smart as you used to be and your memory shot. It's a double whammy. This is true. Yeah. I'll tell you what's frustrating is, you know, watching a show like that with old people. Because like this is how. This is how happening to Chuck, too. He's got the brain fog. Everybody around me is just slowly falling apart to some degree. I say this with great respect. But when... And humility. Well, it's happening to me, too. This is, look, this is why I have the pad of paper here, right? Like, I have to jot something down because I'll forget it. And I don't want to just... I don't want to do what most people around me do, which is like the minute they have a thought, they just, bah, they say it because they're afraid

they're not going to be able to remember it, right? So when you're in a room full of people who say a thing that occurs to them, the moment it occurs to them because they're afraid they won't be able to remember it later, then when you've got a level, this is the only level of chaos, right? Yeah.

And so these things are all happening to all of us, you know, and we're all the, like right now, I keep the legal pad and the paper nearby. You just say whatever pops in your mind, the second pops in your mind. Chuck got some pellets inserted into his ass, recently to try and clear all this up. Right.

Which you made, right. And your computer is wet. And my computer's soaking wet with coffee because even though I'm kind of organized on the one front, it's like something happens in your brain and you become exponentially clumsier on some other front. And so it's this, it's homeostatic risk, mom. It's risk equilibrium, right? You get real good at one thing and all of a sudden you got a deficit in some other area. It's just a theory I read about.

I don't know if there's anything to it. Well, it's logical. Ocean City. Just occurred to you, didn't it? I just remembered something. Oh, that was the answer on Jeopardy. Ocean City! Ocean City!

That's why I was fishing for Menhaden. No, no. You remember we were playing Trivial Pursuit with, like, my mom and Terry and, you know, a bunch of people, and we were in Ocean City, and we were playing Trivial Pursuit, and you went first, And, you know, you roll, and if you get the right answer right, you keep rolling. Right. And it was the first turn. And Peggy, this is 100% true.

He got all the way to the center and won the game. In one turn? Yeah, in one turn. Nobody wanted to play with him ever again. So it's going to take him a lot longer to get to where you and I clearly already are. Oh, Chuck. You know, I can remember Mike came to his grandmothers one day. and we were getting ready to play trivial,

I think it was trivial pursuit. And she said, oh, come on, Mike, play with us. So there were four of us. I guess just you and I and mother and dad, maybe. Anyway, halfway through the game, my mother turned to me and she said, this just isn't fun. It's not fun playing with Michael.

He knows all the answers. It's just not fun. I don't even want to play. See what you're. do to people? Well, I memorized all those cards years ago. It was a great. That would not surprise me. You know what? I didn't, but it's true. I was pretty good at games and I was pretty good with short-term things, but it's all crap the bed. I said to marry the other day, we were, we walked into a room, we were at Con Expo. It's kind of a big deal because I'm there with Caterpillar and it's work,

you know, but there are a lot of important people around. And I used to be able to do this thing, I could meet anywhere between like 10 up to 20 people. And I would remember all their names for the evening. I was really good at it and I didn't have to work hard at it. In fact, I used to kind of show off on dirty jobs. You know, we'd walk into a thing and I'd shake hands with like 15 people on camera, give their names back and I can't do it anymore. It's not sticking the way it used to.

I get some of them, but I don't get them all. They talked to me in 30 years. Well, I won't be listening, but. How do you know? You could do it. You're 80, what are you now, 85? Yes, I am 85, but remembering names when you have heard a thousand of them in a week, it's really difficult. That's why we wear name tags.

I mean, I've never forgotten my name, but. I love that idea. People should do that in real life. Everybody should wear name tags. I love that. It would be nice. Just tattoo their name on their forehead or something. Really permanent stuff.

It's a bit extreme. I think it is. First name tags, then chips. We're all going to have chips. I love chips. Halapeno are my favorite. You know, learning new stuff when you're older. I did tell you that I am now doing banking.

I have never, I'm 85. You're not doing banking. Are you a banker? You're going to an ATM. No, I have a bank. I have my own bank. Do do do do do do do do. Well, people are still raving,

raving, I tell you, about my mother's performance in the latest Pure Talk commercial. And if you haven't seen it, I encourage you to give it a look on my Facebook page and read the comments. They're hysterical. In this commercial,

you'll not only see Peggy Roe gently criticizing her oldest son for his longstanding and well-established commitment issues. You'll learn about the latest offer from Pure Talk, which includes unlimited talk text and data for just $3499 a month with no contracts and no commitments of any kind. You can see why I love these guys. If, on the other hand, you have better things to do with your time than watch my mom and me be impossibly charming together, then allow me to remind you here, without all the cleverness and charm, that unlimited talk,

text and data on a blazing fast network for just 3499 a month really is an unmitigated bargain from an American wireless company that keeps all their customer service in this country, supports our veterans in a meaningful way, as well as the MicroWorks Foundation, and allows me to exploit my own mother in a national advertising campaign. Do what my mom did. Get yourself unlimited high-speed data for just 3499 a month. At puretalk.com slash row, you can switch in as little as 10 minutes at puretalk.com slash row.

Pure talk. I mean, you have your own bank. I have a checking account. I have a credit card. I have a debit card. I have a savings account. In my name, I'm the primary. I have never in all of my life done this before.

It's new to me. and everybody said, oh, do it. You can do it. It'll be fun. It's not fun. It's a lot of work. But let me tell you, I'm going to show you something. You hear in my drawer.

I had this thing called a register. Oh, yeah, I've heard of it. I've been doing this now. This is three months. I just got it to work. My book balanced. My numbers are just like my online banking numbers. I am so pumped.

I just feel so, it's just so gratifying when you can do something. I can pay my own credit card bill. I can get money from that machine. The bankers know me. I mean, the tellers know me. I walked in the other day and they're really my favorite people, some of my favorite people. Did you have a name tag on? No, but they all know who I am.

Because I have a lot of questions. I'm down there a lot. I take my computer and I'll say, This is not working. Your bank made a mistake. This isn't adding up. And guess what? I don't think they make mistakes.

Oh, they make mistakes. Sure they do. While I was in there, some guy came in in a uniform and he had a gun. And I think the name said Loomis, maybe. Oh, yeah. That's security. And he handed my teller, my girl. This big stack of bills.

and she put it somewhere and locked it up. And he said, okay, now that have to... Those are called safes, by the way. Oh, okay. So he said, now I have two more bundles for another bank. How do I get there? And she told him how to get there. And I said, you know what?

I'm going that way. I'd be glad to drop it off for you. And he said, nice try. They don't have a lot of a sense of a humor, you know, those guys. And then he said, I said, wait a minute, aren't you America's grandmother? And you said, well, as a matter of fact, I am. And then he handed you the bundle.

And here we are, celebrating. You're rich. No, I'm not. I've got the new AirPods. And your father is just the soul of patience. He will sit with me. He sat with me one night, 45 minutes, helping me to balance this. And guess what? I don't write in ink anymore.

It's all in pencil. But I feel like I finally made some progress. Isn't it funny how so many people look at you as the accomplished writer that you are and a woman of some experience who has lived in the world and raised her children and done any number of things? And yet, I mean, if I'm tracking all this right, you're telling me with a certain amount of glee that you've mastered a thing that most 60s. 16-year-olds are doing, like the ATM and the checkbook and so forth and so on. Why is it? I mean, I think I know the answer, but why did you wait until you were 85 to figure that stuff out?

I didn't need to do it because your father's so good at it. Dad was taking care of all of his life, his business, everything as a teenager. When I got married, I had never even written a check, never even seen a checkbook. never even thought about money. And so it was only natural that Dad continued in our marriage, taking care of, you know, investments and saving and paying the bills and so forth. It was only a natural thing, a natural progression. So a few months ago, I went to Macy's. I think I told you this story, but I went to Macy's. I'll make it quick. And they said, oh, if you get a Macy's credit card, you get $20 off on this purchase, which was like $25.

And I said, how long will it take? She said, just a few minutes. And I said, okay, let's go. Well, she came back in a couple of minutes. She said, I'm sorry, but you don't qualify. You don't have a credit history. I said, what? Look, I've got my name on a credit card.

I spend a lot. I'm the one who does all the charging. and we always pay our bills on time. We never have a balance. We pay it off the end of every month. And she said, sorry. So I came home and I told Dad that story. And he said, you know, this is an eye-opener.

And so we went to the bank together. And now I'm establishing a credit history. Isn't that? Yeah. If you have no. At 85. You don't need a spending history. You don't need a purchasing history.

you need a credit history. Exactly, and everybody does. And Mike, I hear stories here from women that I play some cards. I play some mahjong and some other games with some women. And I hear these horror stories. One day, I played with three widows. And they were horrified when I told them that I had never, I never write checks.

I never do any banking. And they said, well, if you outlive your husband, you're going to be really sorry one day. You won't even be able to get money from a machine, you know? And so I'm glad I'm doing this. I know I have to do it, but it really isn't fun. It's a sense of accomplishment when this book balances. I bet. I mean, look, I remember, too.

But see, I went the other way. You guys brought me up. I mean, dad was very, very clear, you know, from the minute I could, well, from the minute I started making any money at all, you know, he helped me with the checkbook, and he made sure that I understood all of that and the business of balancing and everything else. And, you know, for a long time, because I was traveling and working and living on the road, I would send stuff home. And he started keeping an eye on all that stuff for me as well. And today, I keep an eye on stuff, but I have, I kind of went in the other direction.

I have a business manager. I have people who look after that stuff for me. And so I've kind of, you know, I've got to make a concerted effort once a quarter to kind of go back into all of that stuff. Just because I don't want to completely turn my back on it, although part of me really, really wants to. Part of me never, ever wants to see, you know, any of that again. So, like, what advice would you have for, like, a young, married couple. I'm just thinking of the wedding we were just at a couple of months ago. You know, your granddaughter is married now. And like, what do you tell people? Because your marriage

worked so great by dividing the duties. You guys each had really separate lanes, you and dad. And that worked really, really well. And then all of a sudden, maybe it doesn't work as well. be like Anne Landers for a minute. What's your advice? I think most people who get married nowadays have both had careers prior to being married. People get married at an older age. I was still in college when I got married.

You know, I had not had a career. I had not made money, serious money. So things are different nowadays. But, you know, it's funny, Mike, I talk to people. I did a book event just a few weeks ago, and I talked to a big room full of people who were contemporaries of mine. And I said to them, you know what, if I've learned anything over the past five years, and I had talked about my writing career, I said, if I've learned anything over the past five years,

it is that just because you're in your 60s or 70s or 80s, does not mean that you can no longer accomplish anything. It doesn't mean that you're not still a vital human being and can make a difference. So if you have a feeling that I'm over the hill, you know, I can't do anything other than I can play some games, I can go to dinner. That's not true, you know. If you've always wanted to write, sit down and start writing. Take a writing course. You know, there's so many, if you always wanted, there's a guy here who always wanted to be a photographer.

He waited until he retired, and now he's a decent photographer. I see it among a lot of people. And when somebody comes up to me and says, Peggy, you've changed my life, you've really made a difference. I'm going to go back to that book that I started, you know. I'm going to go back. Why can't I make quilts and sell them at the arts and creativity? festival. You know, why, I'm going to do it. It makes me feel so good when people tell me that. So that's my advice to people. I mean, yeah, if you want to be the principal dancer with the Bolshoi ballet

and you're 85, and you're going to happen, if you want to be the quarterback for the, in the NFL and you're a guy, that's not going to happen. You have to be realistic, but you can still enjoy life. See, I think, I mean, and it's just really sweet and gratifying to hear you talk like that, but I'm coming at it almost from the exact opposite right now. I'm feeling like, like what you're saying is if there's a thing you've always wanted to do, it's never too late to do it. Right? I mean, bottom line, you can defer a dream like you did for 60 years. You wrote every day for 60 years before you became. That I get. What I'm trying to do day by day is not determine stuff that I've always wanted to do but never tried. It's smaller for me. I'm trying to be uncomfortable

every day. I'm trying to do at least one uncomfortable thing that doesn't necessarily scare me, but just something that is oftentimes physically or mentally obnoxious to me. Like I just did it again. I stood in a freezing cold shower for three minutes. And I hated the first 30 seconds. I disliked the first two minutes. By the third minute, I was ready to get out, but it wasn't as bad as the first minute. And then five minutes later, I felt great. You know, it's this little tiny thing. And I was thinking about it earlier, right after I spilled my coffee and said all the bad words on the computer, watching you and Chuck and Ross try and figure out your earbuds. Now, I hate technology. I hate it. And if left to my own devices, I will ignore it. I don't want one more new thing that requires a battery or a set of instructions. I freaking hate it. And I know I'm going to hate it even more when I'm 85 if I make it that long. But the fact that you just suffered through it, you know, another new iPhone, another new device, a new hearing aid, a new computer. You know,

You can't turn your back on that stuff because if you do, you'll get old. That's what I think, you know, and it's uncomfortable and annoying to deal with it, but you have to do it. That's what I think. Right. Sometimes you have to step out of your comfort zone and do things. You know, I had never really spoken to a big audience before I was 80 years old. Well, if you don't think that was a learning curve and a shock,

It didn't take me long to realize that I was pretty good at it. I mean, you know, I got through it and people invited me back. But I had to make myself get out there and do that. And now I look forward to it. You know, I really almost dreaded it the first year or two. And I was a little nervous. But, yeah, I stepped out of my comfort zone. I think that's probably the best example.

I mean, in survey after survey, when people are asked to talk about the things that terrify them, standing in front of a group of people and either answering their questions or telling them a story or being asked to hold their attention, you know, that is terrifying for a lot of people. It's terrifying for me. Even after being in TV, it's a totally different deal to walk into a stadium. Small rooms are even tougher. Honestly, with 50 or 100 people, you know, it's a thing and everybody ought to try it. Even people in my industry who don't exercise that muscle, it's really interesting, Chuck.

How many times have you seen like a really good actor or actress suddenly fall to pieces either in an interview or in some kind of situation where they're asked to step up and talk extemporaneously for a while? It's kind of hysterical to watch it. I can't remember how many, but I'm going to go with three. Just. So it would be pointless to ask you to name them. That was pretty specific. Totally. Because A, because you can't remember anyone's name anymore.

And B, because you just made up that number. You remember that guy? He was in that show. I love that show. It was on that channel. You know, the channel that we watch. And, you know, you subscribe to it. And there was a bank involved in a checkbook.

That's all I remember. Was there a fish boat? And an uncle with salty language. It smelled awful. You know, I know exactly what you're talking about. But I felt very smooth and my skin was soft from the Vaseline. Oh, my God. Was there coffee on a computer?

There might have been. I think I know the show. There might have been. And something about an ice cream social. And in the end, they all played shuffleboard and beer pong. Yes. Yes. Oh, you know what I want to ask?

You got your second eye done, the cataract surgery, right? I did. And my cataract surgery. was successful. I can see in a distance beautifully. I can read road signs. I can read billboards. I can read small print at a distance. A whole new world. Oh, that's nice. Fine print up close. I do wear my cheaters. Right. Oh, my readers. Wait a minute. So you can see long distances without any glasses at all? Oh, I can. I don't need them when I drive. Yeah, it really is. That's great. But the biggest difference is the amount of light that comes into my eyes.

It's amazing. I thought I could see all right before, but now everything is just so bright. As I said before, I have a whole new wardrobe. My clothes are a different color. They're different shade. They're vibrant. And, of course, the wrinkles in my face are a disaster. The bathroom mirror is now my.

enemy number one. I can't look in a mirror. You know what you do? Just spray it with hairspray, and then it'll be fine. It'll look just like it did before with your cataracts. Or turn some of those bulbs out over top. Maybe.

Unscrew them. Yeah. What did your doctor say again, Mom, about the, like, this is, I mean, it's not a super simple procedure, but it's pretty simple, right? I mean, you're in and you're out, and the people who could benefit from this, who don't get it done,

who just put it off for years or even decades, It's a lot of people, right? I love stories like this. Seven years ago, a guy named Ben Still was a musician. He had zero interest in running a food company, but he was annoyed that so much imported meat was being deceptively marketed and labeled as domestic and decided to fix the problem. The result was a company called Good Ranchers.

It's a completely honest, totally transparent meat company that deals directly with American farms and ranches and promises to deliver high-quality American-grown meat for a fair price. Today, that promise, and Ben's absolute determination to keep it, has not only propelled good ranchers into the top tier of meat delivery companies, it's fueled enormous awareness among meat eaters like me that we have all been affirmatively deceived by policies that allow imported meat to be marketed as domestic. That's the reason I switch to good ranchers.

If I'm being honest, though, I doubt that I would have stayed this long had the quality not been so exceptional. Every single cut I've devoured from good ranchers has been straight up delicious, and every morsel was raised on a small American farm or ranch. Give them a try. Subscriptions are affordable and flexible. In fact, if you start your plan today, you'll get free meat for life and $40 off your first order. Just use code mic at good ranchers.com. Free meat for life, 40 bucks off your first order.

Good ranchers.com. American meat delivered. If you could eat a stare, if you could eat a cow, don't take a chance on a foreign ranch. Get good ranchers now. I'll tell you a short story. We had a friend years ago who was in Dad's theater group, and their religion discourages them from visiting.

doctors. I don't know all the details, but, you know, they are not encouraged to go regularly to doctors. They're encouraged. JWs? I don't think so. Christian scientists. Well, anyway, I don't want to get into religion, but... Yeah, why would we with politics right in front of us? So this man was close to being blind. He could no longer drive. His idea of reading something was He had cataracts Finally, well-meaning friends Talked him into having surgery Changed his life

And this is a true story I would give you his name But I wouldn't want to, you know You won't even give me his religion You want to not give me anything Lutheran? His Presbyterian? Was he Baptist?

Reformed? Anyway, yeah, I don't like to you know, invade people's privacy. But... Yeah, unless you're named Sarah and you're in an elevator and you're kind of stalking you, right? I said nice things about her, though.

I moved here because of you, Mrs. Roe. Yeah. And this is my dead rabbit. Oh, God. No, this is a good story. It is a good story. It's a great story. I'm sorry, I'd tainted it.

But I forgot why I went there, Mike. What did you say that made me tell that story? about this unnamed man and his cataracts? I was asking you about the number of people suffering from cataracts and the fact that it's a frog in the boiling water kind of thing, you know? It just gets worse and worse a little bit at a time and you put it off and put it off. And suddenly you're 85, right? Guess what?

And you also said that, oh, what? There's somebody here now who can speak to this. come in John. I'm doing my podcast with Mike and Chuck. What could possibly go wrong? That's going to be fine. He just came in from the pool table. Oh, he won't hear. That's right. That's all right. Yeah, you can't hear them. Anyway, I was just telling them about my cataract surgery and how your Cadillac. Somebody else in the family has cataracts. And he is a little bit afraid to have the surgery. because you do have to go through.

There is some protocol afterwards that requires four drops a day for a month. You do four drops a day, then three drops a day, then two drops a day, then one. Inhuman. Exactly. Does he still think we're talking about Cadillacs? No, cataracts.

We're talking about my cataracts. Yeah, I thought she said Cadillac surgery. We've never had a Cadillac yet. No. No, we haven't. Still plenty of time. You want one? She's my last.

limousine. Well, anyway, I'm trying to talk. She drives me all over the place. I'm trying to talk him into having his cataracts addressed. But you know what? If you think what you're seeing is normal, you don't see the need for the surgery, as long as he can still drive. I remember you said last time that most people regret not doing it sooner.

Yes, people regret not doing it sooner. This is true. I'm sorry, honey, but you can't hear it because... Tell that he can't... It's not that he can't hear because he can't hear. It's just... I don't want him to think that he's gone completely deaf. He can't hear because of the setup.

Nice, John. He just mumbled and left. I know. He's been playing pool, and he has to come in and have a drink and sit down and relax. What do you mean have a drink? Yeah. What kind of drink?

He needs to hydrate. Everybody needs a lot of water. Yeah, but, you know, when it's colloquial, when you say you shoot pool, then you come in to have a drink, the idea might be. Oh, he's going to sit down and enjoy a sensible, responsible, snort of noble whiskey. I mean, that's the kind of thing you would imagine, you know, a serious pool player might do in the wake of a shuffleboard victory, right? The zeros came in second. Who was the first place team? Do you remember?

They called themselves the sliders, S-L-I-D-R-S, and they were. Tony and Mickey. I have a good picture of Mickey and me because Mickey and I went high school together, graduated from high school together. Mickey O'Rourke is his name. Oh, I shouldn't. Oh, you just out at him. I just invaded his privacy. He's a nice guy. Isn't that an actor? O'Rourke? Mickey Rourke? Mickey, who's it? I think there is. Of course. I think there is, Mike. What's his name, Chuck? I'm drawing a blank. Isn't it Mickey Rourke? It's Mickey Rourke. It's Mickey Rourke. It's Mickey Rourke. Of course. Pope of Greenwich Village. The Pope of Green...

Charlie. Oh, here he is. No, this is not the guy you went to high school with, Mom. There's no way you went to high school with... She said O'Rourke. But again, we've said his name. I'm going to quack all this out. Are you going to show us a picture of me?

Uh-huh. He doesn't care. He doesn't care. Chuck, you have to quack anything out. He's a nice guy. He's my mom's high school buddy's there. Oh, he's very nice guy. Anyway, sure, he came in first place. He and his partner.

The sliders. Tony, yeah, the sliders. I don't know how I feel about that name. I mean, it's a little on the nose for shuffleboard, don't you think? Well, it's better than zero. That's your dad's... The zero is at least somewhat clever, given their names, but the sliders... Unless they're referring to, like, you know, bar food, like hamburgers.

No, the puck slides down the table. I know. It's just too on the nose. It's way too literal. Anyway, Mike, did you read my post? Did you read my post this week? I mean today. I just put it up.

You put them up every day? Which one? I don't put it up every day. I put up a couple a week. And people are so funny because a lot of people here follow me, follow my page. Sarah sure does. And they have the funniest things to say. Well, you know, my Simon Hsuster and Forefront,

they insist that I have a social media presence, which means that a couple of times a week, I write a post and put it on Facebook. And it's a 200-word story, always humor. I rarely go over 200 words. But I'm going to use these stories in my book about Tales from the Home, but not that title. But I'm going to flesh them out a lot more.

And these Facebook people have taught me that my fans love it, when I'm a little bit naughty, when I take them to the edge, but I don't go over it. They just get a big kick out of it. So I never go over that edge. You know, I'm never completely inappropriate. Body. Body.

I'm never bawdy. I just let them think. Want me to read you this, my one paragraph? If it's not body, I don't want to make this. too weird, but yeah, go ahead. Oh, okay. Because the line changes, Mom. I mean, right? It's like the stuff you can get away with now at 85 is different than you were 45 or 55. I think, you know. Oh, I think so too. Yeah. I think so too, because people are surprised at, okay. Well, you're harmless now. So I talk about springtime being a time for spring cleaning. And I harken back to a time when I was

little and I had to help my mother with her spring cleaning. And then I say that I arranged for a cleaning lady this week. Okay, this is just the last two paragraphs. Yesterday, John reluctantly helped me to strip our bed and take the two mattress covers to the big laundry machines downstairs. Now, we have washers and dryers in our apartment, which are totally adequate. But if you have a big spread or something very bulky, then there's a laundry room downstairs and it's, it's free. Anybody can use it. Nice, big machines. All right. So to be clear, that's a parenthetical.

That's not part of your story. That's just you just hopping out of the story. Oh, yes. I just wanted to. Okay, great. Right. Okay. All right. I don't want people to think your writing, you know, would devolve that quickly one, you know, one sentence in. No, no. This is not part of the deliberate thing you're saying.

I was telling you and Chuck, because you don't know. Why don't you start from the beginning again without all that, to? Well, I'll just do these last two paragraphs because these. These are pertinent to going to the edge. Yesterday, John reluctantly helped me to strip our bed and take the two mattress covers to the big laundry machines downstairs. They don't need it, he said. They're spotless.

We take a shower every day. So I reminded him that our bed sees more action now than it has at any other time in our marriage. Yep, every morning. You know what they say. Use it or lose it. So at 85 and 90, we're, not taking any chances.

Leg raises, high and low. Buttock squeezes, pelvic thrusts, bridges with multiple repetitions. And thanks to Tim down in PT, we even use toys like resistance bands and a ball to squeeze between our knees. Happy spring,

why not go a little crazy? Well, people just said, in fact, it's the funniest. What do you call this? a stream of conversations. Thread. Thread.

So Joanne Griffin says, I just read this this morning. I was checking. She says, I declare I was fanning myself before this post was over. And then Heidi says, for a minute there, a whole new image of America's grandmother popped into my head. Then I got the clarification. And so I said. Not that I'm ruling anything out, just saying, have a cool drink, Joanne. And Joanne says, having a drink is how I ended up getting married.

Well, anyway, it goes on like this. People really like innuendo, and they trust me, they know I'm not going to go where I shouldn't go. Anyway. Look, it's just so funny, Mom. You're doing the same thing. I mean, this is season one of Dirty Jobs. This is why that show stayed on the air for 20 years. I got a chance to make all kinds of ridiculous jokes.

I mean, right now on my Facebook page is a shot of me sitting on top of a hose that's spewing concrete into the air. All right. It's ridiculous. It's absurd. But, you know, I'm still getting away with it. I don't know that I deserve any credit for it, but it's people. People like it. Give the people what they want.

It's kind of a suggestive picture, and it made me. laugh. Your mom's a little more subtle than you are, tough guy. She just hit me with pelvic thrust and ball squeezing in the same sentence. I don't know how subtle she is, but I do know that you've given us a terrific title for this episode, Mom, and we're 45 minutes in, and I know you've probably got another social on the horizon, so I'm going to let you go, but I might as well ask for your permit. Are you okay with me calling this pelvic thrust and ball squeezing with Peggy Roe? Wow, I don't know. My point was that it takes us a long time to get out of bed in the morning. Yeah, well.

And, you know, you have to stay in shape when you're older. I mean, you did get that point, didn't you, that we're exercising? Oh, I got it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, I got it. I got it. I also got all the images, the unsolicited images that came with it. And as your oldest son, all I can say is, well, thanks.

We started this podcast with me cursing, and we ended it with you, taking it. wherever you just took it, and I'm just going to let it go. I'm just going to let the images that you've conjured up ruminate in the cortex of our listeners. Well, as long as it brings a smile and uplifts people, that's the important thing. If they leave feeling good. That is the goal. Chuck, you're not ready yet to comment on the procedure wherein the pellets were inserted into your ass since we tease that? That's correct, Mike.

Okay. All right. It literally just happened a couple days ago. So we're going to let him sit for a bit. And we'll circle back next month for a full update from you on what that procedure was like and whether or not it's working. Well, it looks like he's sitting comfortably. Are you on a pillow? Oh, yeah, I'm fine. He's in a harness, mom. He's actually in a harness. He's suspended in mid air. He's in an anti-gravity chamber in an altered states tank. Didn't even require a stitch. Oh, okay. Yeah. It was not invasive, sort of. No, it's not.

They do take a knife for your skin and insert a big metal thing and drop some pellets through it. But other than that, not invasive at all. Oh, well, listen, cataract surgery was a breeze compared to that. I don't know, man. That scares me more because of me. Me too. Yeah. Drops.

Anything with your eyes. Four drops a day. Just kidding. You know, it's really, anything with your eyes and anything with your ass. It does make people, I mean, careful. That's the new title. Anything with your eyes and anything with your eyes? Anything that involves your eyes and your ass, you really got to think it through with Peggy Row.

All right, mom, you tell that Sarah person without the H at the end of her name that I said hello and that I'm not at all worried about any of that stalker stuff. You're going to be fine. Oh yeah, she hasn't made any attempts to see me since she's been here. Not sure. Yeah, she takes me in her stride, I'm sure. So when are we going to do this again? We're going to do it April because we have something important coming up in April.

I mean, something kind of fun. You want to tell me what it is or you just want to let it hang there? Well, we're going up to Pennsylvania to a big theater that holds thousands of people and we're seeing a big live show called Moses. Our Bible study group just finished the book of reading about Moses. And this is the culmination of our season. I don't even know you anymore. What are you talking about this?

What? Well, you know, the Exodus, the book in the Old Testament about Moses. Let my people. Yeah, who needs his people out of Egypt. Yeah, yeah, I know Moses and I know the Bible. but I don't, I mean, look, it's just a hard pivot, mom. One minute, it's pelvic thrust and ball squeezing with my dad, and then you're going to some giant gathering in Pennsylvania

to reflect on the second or third book of the Old Testament. Second. I mean, second is it? Yeah, Genesis, Exodus. Right. Yeah. And we're going to a big dinner beforehand or a big lunch. So we're looking forward to that.

Yeah. All right. Well, you know, we can talk any time. You don't have to wait for these podcast things. Just give me a call. Okay, I'll do that. If you can squeeze me in between the socials and the shuffleboard, the pelvic thrust, the ball squeezing, and whatever else you got going on. And Moses.

There's a lot going on. I know. Good stuff. Yeah. No, it's a regular key party over there at the home. Well, I wouldn't say that. Too late. You don't need to because he did.

You know, we do lose our keys from time to time. The lady at the front desk, I walked up to the lady at the front desk the other day, and she said, has he lost his keys again? And I said, oh, no, no, I'm here for something else because dad's lost his keys a couple of times. And people just turn them into the desk. She just assumed. This is not the key party we were expecting. Well, welcome to the home.

I got to talk to them. about getting that in the brochure. That'd be great. And every Thursday, we do this thing with our keys. The residents just love it. You just never know who you're going to wake up with. Well, this was great, everybody. Yes, this was very nice.

Now we have to go to dinner. I don't think I've fried my computer. All right, you guys go to dinner. Have fun. I love you. Okay, guys. I hope your computer's okay, Mike. This is where you say, I love you too, Mike.

Oh, I love you too, Mike and Chuck. Thank you. Thank you. Great. Good, great. Love you, too. Good. All right. Adios. Adios. Be do, do, do, do do do do.

Here's to the guys who advertise and subsidize. The podcast that I do. They spend their dough, and you should know before you go. That's why it's free for you, because it's free. I hope you see and then agree. Their bottoms should be kissed without the guys who advertised. The show would not exist. There's no podcast without a sponsor. Thank them for pay in the fray. Please don't fast forward through their commercials,

even ones that you hate. There's no podcast without a sponsor. Thank them for pay in the freight. Please don't fast forward through their company. Not to suggest in any way that you could possibly hate my buddies at Butcher Box because they're awesome. Like my buddies at ZipRecruiter and Lightstream and Rocket Money. And NJM Insurance and Field of Greens and NetSuite and my Patriot Supply. And Game Time article.

The Microw Works Foundation, of course, has been a terrific sponsor. As has Noble Tennessee Whiskey. And, of course, Erickson, Senior Living. Simply couldn't do it without you guys. So thank you very much. What if your soda actually did something for you? Introducing Skypop Protein soda with 10 grams of complete protein, zero sugar and 45 calories.

Skypop protein soda offers four delicious flavors with big taste and real benefits. Light, refreshing, and ready for wherever your day takes you. It's anytime protein that helps you reach higher. Skypop protein soda, reach for the sky. Get your Skypop protein soda now at Target, Ralph's, or GoPuff. If you work in university maintenance, Granger considers you an MVP because your playbook ensures your arena is always ready for tip-off, and Granger is your trusted partner.

Offering the products you need all in one place, from HVAC and plumbing supplies to lighting and more, and all delivered with plenty of time left on the clock, so your team always gets the win. Call 1-800-Grangeur, visit Granger.com. or just stop by, Granger, for the ones who get it done.