The Way I Heard It with Mike Rowe - 348: Coffee with Mom—A Handsome Guy Who Likes to Lick You with America's Grandmother

Episode Date: September 28, 2023

Three-time bestselling author Peggy Rowe reveals her favorite show that Mike's ever made, talks about her favorite British murder mysteries, tells the story of how her friend once arrested Mickey Mantle in Baltimore the day before a ballgame, and recounts time spent with a seeing-eye dog named Larry. Oh, and Mike talks about a secret upcoming project he has no business talking about.    

Shameless plug. Long before she was Peggy Roe, my mom was Peggy Noble, daughter of Carl and Thelma Noble. It was her father, Carl, who inspired me to pitch a show called Dirty Jobs to the Discovery Channel and later start a foundation that honored the kind of work Carl Noble did for a living, trade work, skilled labor. That foundation is called MicroWorks, and today I'm proud to tell you that we've helped thousands of people get the training they need to begin a career in the skilled trades. In fact, we'd love to help you.

You can apply for a work ethic scholarship right now at microwworks.org. We've set aside $10 million for this year's applicants, thanks to a number of very effective fundraisers, including the one with my grandfather's name on the label. I refer, of course, to Noble Tennessee Whiskey, K-N-O-B-E-L, which is now available in a variety of delicious mash bills, all of which you can peruse at noblespirates.com. In fact, if you spend 100 bucks and use code Carl, C-A-R-L, you'll get one tube of orange bitter-infused sugar cubes for free. That's code Carl with a C to get nine sugar cubes, ingeniously engineered to make nine perfect old-fashions every time. It's my favorite way to support MicroWorks and my favorite whiskey

to sip responsibly after a long day of interviewing people on this podcast. Pick up a bottle at noblespirates.com. K-N-O-B-E-L-Spirits.com. Soon may the noble men come to bring a bottle for everyone. One day when the waitin is done, we'll take a drink and go. A cup of coffee with my wife. Hi, guys. Hello.

I tuned in just in time to hear. hear my mother talking about finding a dead body in the street. What did I miss? Oh, well, you miss the actual fact that the body is not in the street. It's under the Christmas tree in the living room. The dead body. The dead body with a big knife sticking out of the chest. Yes. It's a book I'm reading. It's a story I'm reading. You know how I have such a pension for violence and crime, mayhem, and It's a great Christmas story, sounds like. It is, Chuck, and it's funny. My mother has, like, kind of a righteous standard with regard to violence.

You know, I mean, she really, really is put off by war films, violence in general. And to her credit, unless it's like murder she wrote or some Miss Marple thing or some midsummer night murders. And, you know, how did they do that, Mom? How did they suck you in to this ultra-violent world? Did they simply just round off, you know, the ugly edges of it to make murder entertaining for you? You know, Mike, I blame it on your father. I'm a writer. I get up in the morning and I sit down and I write and I write until I do take breaks to exercise and to eat and so forth.

But by and large, I'm at my computer from maybe 8 a.m. to 3 a.m. And then after then, I'm dads. I do what dad loves to do. We play pool. We do things together. Eight a.m. to three a.m. you said. I think you need 3 p.m. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I meant 3 p.m. She's a writer, Chuck. She's not a teller of stories. Don't get bogged down in the details. Anyway, so dad and I spent time together in the afternoons and evenings. So dad loves detective shows, mystery shows. And so I sit with him on the sofa in the evening and we watch Vera or FOIL or anything that's going.

Anika is a nice new one. And really, there are a lot of bodies. But the English know how to do it in that you don't actually witness the murder. You come in after the fact. And there it is. There's the body, you know. I'm not saying it's pleasant, but I've learned to.

If it gets too unpleasant, I just reach over and, you know, Dad has his TV ears in. It's a Bluetooth device. And so he is hearing it directly from the TV into his ears. If it gets too horrible, all I have to do is just hit. Oh, mute. So I just hit mute. I don't hear it, but Dad doesn't.

You know, he's fine with violence. So that's how I have become more or less immune to the darker side of life. I just think it's interesting. As a writer and a human and a mother and a wife and a person and all that, you've been uniformly opposed to the notion of death and murder and all of that awfulness. But it's not that. You're just opposed to the way it's presented in certain venues. but you're perfectly fine with it if the people have an English accent, I think, as best I can tell.

Well, that's not quite accurate, but you do have a point there. Yes, I do. I find it more acceptable. You said before that the English know how to do it, which of course made me think, well, of course, that's how we got more English. But what did you mean by that? So my mother, Chuck. Well, you know, in so much American drama and violence on television, you see the act committed, you know, the stabbing scene in the shower. You see it, whereas the English, you're more apt to come upon the body post-killing, so you don't have to witness. I'm not always, but more or less. You know what you would enjoy then?

It's very English procedural kind of show. know you've seen it, but very gentle. It's called Luther. Ring any bells? Oh, yes. I've seen Luther. Is he a black detective? Excuse me. Yes. He's a black detective. Yes. But I'm kidding. This is a terribly violent program. So that's one that I probably mute and then I do my jumble while dad really thinks that I'm watching it. But I'm sitting next to him. That's the idea, togetherness, you know. How important is it to him? him that he think you're actually watching and listening? Or does he care that you're just pretending to?

Is it all just theater at this point? I don't know. He'll be listening to this podcast. So if we're recording, then maybe he will weigh in on that subject to me. If there's a murder. I'll be fired again. Again. But then, of course, rehired because what am I going to do?

Because good help is so hard to get these days. It really is. You know what? I mean, you joke, mom. You joke, but I'm telling you. This has been a topic of incredible, relentless conversation. You know, my foundation is rooted in recruiting. And I've been talking about this for 15 years. And now here in California, we've been trying to hire at Microworks. I mean, for like, what, Chuck, three years.

Three years we've been trying to hire people. It's really, really, really, really, really. really, really, really difficult. And I'm not even sure I'm ready to joke about it yet, but I'm beside myself. I'm not sure what to do at this point. Do you want to work, mom? Do you want a job? No, I don't have much. I need an office manager.

Oh, no. I'm not a good manager. I learned that years ago. I was a director of our church's preschool. We had about 100 children and maybe 12 employees at least. Oh, no. Oh, I'm so sorry. You know what happened? No, that's okay.

Yeah, I know. I'm pretty sure what happened. The ice under your computer melted? And then your computer slid off the table? It looked like an earthquake? I didn't do a thing. I just sat here and watched it happen. I'm sorry about all that noise.

I thought my vertigo was back when you started disappearing. Yeah. Well, I'm just writing this down. I just sat here and watched it happen because that's exactly, that's turned into my Cohen, my mantra. It's the story of my life. We're just sitting here and watching things happen everywhere. We just had this conversation. So you just offered me a job, and I would have to move to California.

And I'm not ready. No, not really. No, no. We're all about working from home now, Mom. No one has to come to the office anymore. But the thing is, I'm not good at managing. And I learned that years ago when I was the director of our church's preschool, and it got along well with the teachers and the parents and the children.

and really I was pretty organized with things. But, well, one time we had a teacher who wasn't doing her job. She should have been fired, but I knew her. And so instead of firing her and hiring somebody else, I would go down and stand in the room to make sure she was doing her job. She would see me there and she would do her job. Did her last name start with an L, by the way? Michael, we can't get too personal.

You never know, honey, who's going to... That's not too personal. Last name starts with an L. That's not giving anything away. I really don't remember. Oh, it did. I know exactly who you're talking about. Yeah, I don't remember.

She was awful. She was awful. Anyway, I should have fired her. She was a terrible teacher. You never should have hired her. And you know what? How did you hire her in the first place? And she would come outside of the room and leave her children, maybe 10, 15 little,

three-year-olds and come out in the hall and talk. And I would go down and I would say, is somebody in there with the children? And she'd say, oh, I can peek around the corner. I can see what's happening. And instead of saying, get in there, you are the teacher. I went in and watched the children until she came back in. See, I don't, that wasn't right.

I shouldn't have had to do that. Co-dependent, party of one, your table's ready. Right. Yeah. So I wasn't good at managing because firing people was very difficult for me. I was good in every other respect, but I couldn't get tough. Except that key, essential, all-important, non-negotiable aspect of running a business. You had all the other stuff nailed down.

And that's why I can't accept your job offer. That is a shame. Because if Chuck wasn't doing his job, I wouldn't have the courage to fire him. Aw, that's sweet. So that's where I get it. It's who I am. That's where I get it. That's why Chuck still has a job.

Congratulations, Chuck. My flawed DNA is trickled all the way down from my incredibly kind granddad to my incredibly benevolent mother to me. And with that comes the complete erosion of anything resembling a standard or an expectation. And the next thing you know, you've got a teacher standing out in the hallway with a classroom full of three-year-olds running amok, sitting around, throwing their own feces at each other like monkeys in a zoo. No, Michael, it wasn't that bad. They were, no. Oh, sorry. They politely handed it to one another.

No one threw anything. See, Mom, I'm a writer, too. I like to talk in pictures. And if you're going to tell a story with a bunch of three-year-olds being left alone in a classroom, you got me. But now I want to see what happens next. And it can't just be Mrs. L peaks around the corner. I need something more. I need to see some Lord of the Flies kind of thing unfold.

And that's why you write fiction and I write nonfiction. I tell it how it really happened. Now, see, if this was all happening, in an English accent, we would find one day that Mrs. L had been stretched out in the classroom with a pair of scissors. embedded in her back. And Mrs. Rowe would have walked in and said, which one of you three-year-olds

seems to have done the deed? And then a great mystery would begin to unfold. I think we have it right there. It's the preschool killer. The story behind the story. Which, by the way, is now officially, I think you said this the other day, and I hope this doesn't sound like too much

of a humble brag. But Chuck, I believe, Mom, go ahead and tell Chuck what you said about the story behind the story vis-a-vis its position in the curriculum verite of me.

I think it's one of the finest pieces of work Mike has ever produced. I like the stories that he writes. I have always admired his writing. And the production, of these stories is excellent. The actors are so in sync with what's happening, you know, with the writing part of it.

I mean, even their mouths are saying the words that Mike has written, and they're perfectly synchronized. I really look forward to it. Chuck, explain to the listener what my mother's talking about in case they haven't seen this at this show, please. Well, if you've ever seen drunken history, it's kind of like that, or drunk history, I think it's called. The story behind the story is the way I heard it, the original stories that Mike wrote, that little mysteries, short stories for the curious mind with a short attention span. So it's his voice. He reads it in front of an empty theater, a giant empty theater.

And then it transitions to a recreation of the story he's telling. And in the drunk history aspect of it, when Mike is quoting someone who says something, the actor's mouth, they lip sync the words. So it's always good when Mike. has done the story first before they do the actors, although there was one season where it was the other way around. It was challenging. Yeah.

But wait until you see this season, Mom. I just looked at the, we call them Dailies, right? Because we've basically, like, doubled the budget somehow. So they're throwing all kinds of resources. And I had written some stories a couple years ago that were pretty involved, right? They were big, like, battle scenes and, I mean, ambitious. And we just thought there's just, nothing in the budget to do this unless we animate it, and I didn't want to do that.

Well, they came up with the dough, and oh my God, some of these things, your jaw is going to drop. They look really, even Chuck was impressed, and Chuck, as you know, has grown so bitter and broken. He hates everything I do now. Pretty much. He almost wept, wept with glee when he saw this. It's true, Peggy. This will rival, like, saving Private Ryan, some of the scenes. So, Michael, I want more people to work.

watch it. I do too. That's why I'm talking about it. I tell everybody here at the home, they talk about dirty jobs, you know, and I agree that it was wonderful show. And then I tell them about the story behind the story and they never heard of it.

And so I tell them when it's on and which channel and they say, oh, well, I'm going to check it out. When is it on and what channel? Yeah, go ahead and promote it for me. I mean, once again, you've taken me right up to the point of the murder, but I don't have any reason to look into the classroom. In Baltimore, it's on at 9 o'clock on Saturday. On what channel?

Oh, it's on TBN, Trinity Broadcasting Network, which is the biggest religious channel in the world. However, there is nothing innately religious about your stories. About me. However, no, about your stories. However, when you and Matt Crouch sit down and discuss the stories, Matt relates it to Scripture. It's so well done. Yeah.

Well, look, I mean, I got to give that guy credit. I mean, we don't rehearse any of this. We don't chunk through any of it. He has ideas and opinions, and he comes from a place that's rooted in sometimes scripture, but more often than not just in sort of a basic morality play. and I, of course, just wrote the stories to pass the time on a plane. So we have a good time talking about what he thinks I meant when I said, blah, blah, blah, and I tell him what I think I really meant.

And that's been a lot of fun, but I hope this isn't confidential. But there's some talk. Well, I don't think that many people listen to the podcast. Well, you want to have a real kick in the teeth? Not really. Chuck, like, you guys both have dentists stories. Yes, we do. that in a minute. Between the two of you, like, I mean, George Washington would be, you know,

no, what's I going to say? Oh, I was going to say, oh, a real kick in the teeth. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, I'm not going to, because that thing I'm not supposed to talk about, I really think I'm not supposed to talk about. That's what I was thinking, but go on. The fact that the story behind the story might pop up on a brand new channel yet to me. I don't want to say too much. I don't want to say too much. I can't say too much. Mom, I can't say too much. I understand, because you don't really know because it's not your decision. It's not your company. It's not really my decision.

Exactly. That's right. Like if this were a murder mystery, well, it would be me probably silenced for talking out of turn. Matt Crouch would have broken the, uh, several of the commandments and probably kill me. Because really it ain't a done deal until it's a done deal and you never know what's going to happen. Yogi Berra.

And even then sometimes. Yeah. Yeah. My point, oh, regarding the real kick in the teeth, Chuck begged me to start writing more of these stories. because he knew the people who do listen to this podcast, literally dozens of them, love those stories. Love the stories, he said, you've got to write some more and put them up on the podcast.

And then we can bring them to life on the TV show. So I said, fine, I started writing more of these stories, and we started sharing them here. And sure enough, people listen to them. But not as many who listen to you, Mom. Oh, get eyes. This little thing we're doing right now. True. It chaps my ass to know it.

Don't get me wrong. I'm very proud of you. very very proud chaps my ass don't say that anymore that is not nice i am universally and profoundly delighted that you are so well loved but chuck calls each week he's like all right well here the numbers you know the podcast is up overall which is good but you know we're doing more episodes and that, gosh, I guess that's eroding into the episodic views. But here's the, here's the disturbing thing. People like your mother more than they like your stories. Oh, no. And I don't, in fairness, though, Peggy, I think I said people like your mother more than

they like you. Oh. So I just, just for his clarity's sake, I thought. I'm sure that's not true. Because let me tell you, I can't tell you how many people come up to me and all they want to talk about is you. And I want to say, hey, I'm going to do your Times bestseller. Have you heard? But no. Three times over. But no. Instead, I will forever be the dirty mother. Well, people are still raving, raving, I tell you, about my mother's performance in the latest Pure Talk commercial. And if you haven't seen it, I encourage you to give it a look on my Facebook page and read the comments. They're hysterical. In this commercial, you'll not only see Peggy Roe gently criticizing her oldest son for his longstanding and well-established commitment issues,

you'll learn about the latest offer from Pure Talk, which includes unlimited talk, text, and data for just $3499 a month with no contracts and no commitments of any kind. You can see why I love these guys. If, on the other hand, you have better things to do with your time than watch my mom and me be impossibly charming together, than allow me to remind you here, without all the cleverness and charm, that unlimited talk, text, and data on a blazing fast network for just 3499 a month really is an unmitigated bargain from an American wireless company that keeps all their customer service in this country, supports our veterans in a meaningful way, as well as the MicroWorks Foundation, and allows me to exploit my own mother in a national advertising campaign.

my mom did, get yourself unlimited high-speed data for just 3499 a month at puretalk.com slash row. You can switch in as little as 10 minutes at puretalk.com slash row. I'm telling you, the same thing is happening on the other end. I had a speech a week or two ago. We got to the Q&A. And, you know, no more, hey, what was your dirtiest job? No more. Hey, why'd you start microworks? No more. Blah, blah, blah. It's. It's all just, you know, when your mother wrote her second book, blah, blah, blah, it's all about you. Everybody wants to know about you vis-a-vis me.

I'm sorry. And people want to know about me vis-a-vis you. I mean, look, it's nice, I guess. No, it's not. Look, and it's this way. I'm 85. It won't happen much longer, probably. Oh, come on.

You're not going anywhere. You're like stepping in gum. You've been with me as long as I can remember. Oh, yeah. probably so what are you writing these days what are you working on what are you excited about anything yes i am well i mean i write every day and i've got so many stories you know we live in a place that is 24-7 material it falls like manna from the heavens into my lap i can't i can't go anywhere without somebody coming up to me and saying i got a good story for you when you have a few

minutes. I've got a whiteboard over there. I just erased four of the last names. It's filled with people I have to call and do an interview. I just did an interview a couple of days ago with a woman who lives here and she's blind and she has been blind since birth. And she has the most gorgeous dog, service dog, seeing eye dog. His name is Larry. And I describe him in my my book is just the handsomest blonde guy I have ever seen in my life, muscular and just totally appealing. But I have always seen him when he's working. He's with her, taking her to the dining room or the medical center or the post office, and you can't approach a seeing eye dog when he's working, when he has that harness on. So I've just, you know, I've just been

ringing my hands, trying to find a time when I can help. hug that dog. So I did arrange for an interview the other day and he is every bit of it. With a dog? Yes, he's charming. And so is his handler and my neighbor. I'll say her name. Go ahead, say her name. Can you say her name? I can. Joanne. I'll say her first name. Yeah. Is that a real name? It's a, as far as I know. I think that's Larry's real name. That's a good name for a dog. years old, and he's her eighth seeing eye dog. And she really gave me a window into the life of someone who is dependent on other people, by and large. And the dog. And the dog, yeah.

So she said eight seeing eye dogs? I think this is her, I think, yes, this is her eighth dog, and he's six years old. And they all ended suspiciously. No, but you know, dogs. I think you mean rather suspiciously, don't you? Why, I do. Indeed, I do. Well, you guys are good. What's the mystery of the eight seeing-eye dogs, the canine who didn't see it coming?

Oh, my goodness. You know, they don't have a long lifespan, not as long as ours, of course. So she was, I think she said, check my notes, six years. without one. She used a cane. But, and when she moved in here, who should see, but, I mean, she didn't see. Who should she meet? Who should she meet? That was a poor choice of words. But her fifth grade teacher at the Maryland School for the Blind, who is here with her brother, and they're both blind. They were both born blind. You know, it's moving. It really, really is. There are all kinds of people here, but yeah. Well, hold on. Hold on. I mean, this is a lot.

Joanne had eight seeing-eye dogs over the course of her life. Larry is blonde, muscular, handsome, and you want a chance to hang out with him when he's not on the job. But when is a seeing-eye dog, like, not on the job? When he's at home. When is he off? And how does he behave when he's off? Is it just like, you crack open a six-pack and just watch TV? Start, you know, Hump in a stuffed cat or something? Like, what do you do when you cut loose? Well, I did the interview at her apartment, and Larry greeted me at the door with a toy.

Well, he likes to lick you. He's a handsome guy who likes to lick you. And he likes to be close. Well, there you go. There's your title, Chuck. Yeah, he's charming. He's charming and lovable. A handsome guy who likes to lick you with America's grandmother, Peggy Rowe.

A muscular blonde handsome guy who likes to lick you. Jeez. What's not to love, right? Well, I'm writing it down, but I don't think it's going to stick. Anyway, Joanne was charming. And let me tell you what happened during our interview. The phone rang. And she wasn't going to answer it, but it was her friend,

the woman who had taught her in the fifth grade, who was also blind. So I said, no, you go ahead. I'll just catch up on my notes here because I had my computer, and we had been talking for almost an hour. And they talked. Well, they talked baseball. They are both such Baltimore Orioles fans. Oh, they talked about the home runs the night before.

Santander got a home run and O'Hern and O'Day. Not O'Day. O'Day, I forgot his name. O'Day, can you see? No. Odeo? No. Deo.

Huh. Might be O'Day. But anyway, yeah, so they taught baseball. And you could tell that they know baseball. You know, they use names and baseball terms. And it was fun to listen to. Well, I got a call from a guy I worked with in Egypt years ago who came back here and got promoted.

and now he's doing all kinds of broadcast work for the Orioles. And they invited me this morning into the broadcast booth next time I'm in town. Oh, no. Isn't that nice? You and your mother, did you say? And your buddy Chuck? And Larry. You know, the big muscular blonde who likes to lick you.

A very handsome fellow who likes to lick you. Handsome man with a tongue like a prehensile. third leg. All right. Anyhow. Yeah. You know, I'm going to be there, what, next week, I guess, but it looks like they're on the road for that tranche.

So I'm going to try and get back again before the postseason to go up in the booth and hang out. Which they may actually be in. They're killing it. They really are. They're at first by, what is it, like three or four games now? Well, but yesterday we lost to Boston, but we took the series two out of three, but we didn't sweep it. And Tampa Bay, we're just a few games ahead of Tampa Bay.

But either way, we're going to be in the postseason because we're doing so well. Yeah, all right. Well, I'll figure that out. My friend's name is Bob. I'm going to hit him back as soon as we finish this. Okay, and if they want me to sit in the dugout during the game, hey, I don't mind.

Way to take one for the team. They can even spit. You know, every time somebody gets a hit, The other Orioles stand up. They fill their mouth with whatever, and they spit it out onto the field as far as they can. It's so gross. Do they?

Oh, they do. That's disgusting. I love it. I know. I know. And then they have what's called... You want to throw out the first pitch? Oh, okay.

I don't think I could do that. No, I couldn't do. There are so many more deserving. Your mother did it? Yes. I know, but she was 90. Why not? Let me tell you, there are so many more deserving people here than I am.

people like my mother who never missed an inning of any game, whether it's on the West Coast or the East Coast, whether they stay up to two in the morning. And they are so conversant with terms and history and, yeah, no, I wouldn't really deserve it. But Peggy, you're America's grandmom. You're a local hero. You raised Mike Roe. Yeah. Yeah. You throw out the first pitch. I'll sing the national anthem. We'll go up in the booth and hang out with the... Is Jim Palmer still up there? Is he still calling games?

From time to time. He doesn't do all of them, but he is still there. Yeah. And who's the main guy? Like, who's the, like, I know John Miller's long gone and, you know, Chuck Tops. Oh, gosh, what's his name? He's a former player. Oh.

You see, that's just the bad part about getting old. Your retrieval is not as... Oh, there's a bad part to it? Oh, geez. Yeah, you can't remember words. From time to time. Oh, Ben McDonald's there. And there are a couple of other ones.

Did you have a farm? No, that was his uncle, old McDonald. His uncle old. Ben, was Ben the pitcher who came up who had like a hundred and, like eight mile an hour fastball that was going to be there? God, I think so. Are you guys both actually Googling now? I am. Yes.

This is pathetic. This is absolutely pathetic. Unbelievable. We're talking about broadcasting while we're recording on Riverside, thousands of miles apart, and you are each checking your iPhones for information. Yes, he was a picture. I'mped. Yeah.

Here's who I got. Jeff Arnold, Kevin Brown, Scott Garso, Brett Hollander, Dave Johnson. Dave Johnson. Is that Dave Johnson? He was another pitcher. Rob Long, Ben McDonald, Melanie Newman, and Jim Palmer. Oh, you know what? She's good.

She's a woman. She's a lady. She's a lady. And she goes out on the field. She goes everywhere. And she's never at a loss her words. She's really good. Yeah. But anyway.

Sidebar, Chuck, you just mentioned Rob Long. Yeah. Make a note. I want to get him on the podcast, too. Rob Long is a writer and a comedian who's been on Gutfeld, but also has a bunch of stuff to say about the strike that I think would be super interesting. Oh, Rob Long. Yeah. He wrote on Chief.

Cheers. That guy. Yeah. Oh, that was Shelley Long. Was he related to Shelley Long? She was on Cheers. I think they're the same people, actually. Yeah. She was Diane. It's his alter ego. She was identifying as a writer while she was an actress and a man. I can't believe. It's a very complicated time. I can't believe anything. She's a man, baby. She's a man, baby. Yeah. You know where a dad is right now? Do I want to know? Is he on the Batchie ball? Court? Yeah, he is. He has a game today from. three to four.

Nice. Yeah. It's the fall season. Right. He just had his second eye done. So he had to miss the first game. But he played the second game. I let him play the second game if somebody else would pick up his balls for him.

And because he can throw them, but he can't bend over. So today, he's all excited. He can pick up his own balls today. That is a treat. So it won't be a team effort. And I'm sure the rest of the team appreciates it. Chuck, go ahead and write that down, if you wouldn't mind. Big day for John Rowe.

He's picking up his own balls again. Yeah. Well, that's progress. And he's down to three drops a day now for one more day, and then it'll be two drops. But he's still got the two balls. Eye drops. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Three drops, two balls, one team, no waiting. Hmm. Anyway, that's the story about your father. That's why he's not popping in in his underwear. Yeah, I was coined an entrance last time. People were still talking about that. He does that from time to time.

It was so funny. We have a neighbor, and he is a writer. He's a former career policeman. He was, I think, for about 25 years, a Baltimore City policeman, and he's still alive. And... He told me about him. Is this Dick?

Dick Elwood is his name. And for 17 years, he was a detective. Well, I'm telling you, this guy has more stories. And they're good stories. I just finished reading his first book. He's written six books. Wow. And this is called cop stories.

And let me tell you, he's not Shakespeare. You're not going to want to remember long, flowing phrases that are just beautifully crafted because he is first and foremost who was a career policeman. But he has written them all down and he tells them like he's talking to you. And he could tell the story. I like that. Yeah, he can. I love it.

So they live across the parking lot from us. And the other day, I heard Dad out on the balcony going, and I looked, I was in the bedroom. and I looked out the window and there's Dick across the parking lot on his balcony. And he's doing semaphore. And here, Dad on our balcony, flapping his arms back and forth and they're yelling. Now, Dick is 10 years older than Dad. He's only 80. But really.

That's younger, I believe. Yeah, that is. Oh, I meant younger. I meant Dad's 10 years older than Dick. Anyway, that's what two old guys do when you're, they live here. at the home. So an 80 to 90-year-old man are communicating across the courtyard with a combination of sign language and semaphore, basically. Yeah, and neither one of them really knows semaphore, they said, but it's good exercise. That keeps it interesting.

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This is a book, Mom, by our friend Tim Cotton, who's a cop, or who was a cop. I think he's retired now. He is retired, yeah. He wrote Bangor, Maine. Yeah, he wrote God warrants, and he wrote the detective in the dooryard. Cops, obviously, they've got great stories. Oh, my goodness. Right?

Yeah, the stories are so good. So I'm doing a chapter in my book. I'm talking about people who live here at Oak Crest, who have had interesting lives and have stories to tell. He has a chapter in my book. And so I've only had time to read two of his books. He wrote a book for children. But I tell you, his cop stories are really good.

Did you tell me one to bring it back to baseball for a minute? Didn't he have some crazy encounter? Oh, my God. be the greatest baseball player of all time? We're one of them. Yeah, with his childhood hero, Mickey Mantle. He was a young cop in his 20s. He was out on the beat.

And, you know, Mickey Mantle had a reputation for drinking. Well, he was out on the street with some other ballplayers, and he was falling down drunk. And he was, should I say this? I don't want to hurt his feelings. I guess he's dead, isn't he? Oh, yeah. Mickey Mantle.

Yeah, yeah. Mickey Mantle's head. Okay. He had a good run, but he's gone. Yeah. So anyway... Good innings, as I say. He had good innings, yeah.

So anyway, he wouldn't listen to Dick when he told him to get off the street. He was, you know, people couldn't walk by. He was impeding traffic. And so he arrested him, took him down the station. Well, he was only in his 20s. And, I mean, Dick was only in his 20s. I don't know how old Mickey Mantle was, but his superior, his superior officer, I guess you'd call him, told him it really wasn't a good idea to arrest Mickey Mantle. He had to play the game.

In Baltimore. Yeah, he had to play a game tomorrow against the Orioles. Well, I don't know. Maybe it was a great idea to arrest Mickey Mantle if he's playing against the Orioles tomorrow, right? That's a good idea. You're right. And while you're out of arrest Yogi Barra. Yeah, while you're at it.

And Joe DiMaggio, that's all. Right. Yeah. You know, I met Mickey Mantle, Mom? No. Yeah. I met him at QVC in 1990. Oh, he was selling something, I guess.

He was selling. I think he came in. It's the same year I met Ted Williams. I think was Tops, baseball cards, you know, that whole sports collectible thing. Yeah. God. It's just so. poignant, you know, I mean, to some of the greatest most influential athletes to ever live

sitting there in their twilight years with a Jemoke like me in the middle of the night, selling baseball cards and bats and just, and collectibles and just, it's just a heck of a thing. It was a different time. They didn't have the agents. They didn't have the deals. and so many of those guys just wound up, 60, 70, 75 years old, still working. Really? Still doing what they could.

Oh, God, a heart break. Well, that won't happen nowadays. Not like Ben McDonald, who ends up in the booth. And you know what? And now people in Baltimore are worried that Baltimore Orioles are going to be sold. Oh, man, that would be a blow. Why? What's the chatter?

What are they talking about? See, here's another thing about getting old. I can't remember the name of the family that owns the Orioles. Angelos. Yeah, Angelos, right. Well, oh, I won't tell you all this scuttle, but there is real fear among people who really love the Orioles, really committed fans that they're going to end up moving down to Memphis or, I don't know, south, down south somewhere.

That would be terrible. Really? So we're all hoping that rich guys like maybe Jim Palmer and other rich Baltimore baseball guys like Cal Ripkin and all their friends who might have some money, get together and buy the Orioles. They haven't even taken out a lease for the next season in the stadium. You know what the city of Baltimore should do is buy the Orioles?

No kidding. You know, just like Green Bay owns the Packers. Packers. I believe like every major league team should be owned by the city. That just to me makes more sense than private ownership. So I don't know what's going to happen. Because you're a communist. No, no, no. I mean, well, maybe a little. I don't think I'm a communist. No. I don't even think I'm a socialist. You're definitely not a communist. Look, I actually agree with you, but not for reasons that are complementary, you know, to my overall. economic worldview vis-a-vis-be, do what you want, you know, make the best deal you can. But I do, you know, I'll never forget, and I know you won't forget either. One morning they're there, and then the Mayflower trucks come, and then the Colts are gone.

Peggy, are you filing your nails again? No, I'm not. I'm looking in a book. I'm looking in a book. Oh, okay. All right. Well, let us know if this gets too boring. No, it's not. I'm not reading.

I'm not reading. I want to do. I wanted to share something with you. All right. Well, while you do that, I'll finish my sentence. And I've said this in interviews before, but looking back on it, when the Colts left Baltimore, it was the first time I realized that professional sports, it really wasn't about the fans, you know?

Right. The players had their agents and the owners had their lawyers, and the mayors were kissed in and a whole variety of ways. And everybody was represented to a certain degree except the fans. And man, oh, man, I don't know that Baltimore... Somebody should do a study and correlate the decline of Baltimore

with the departure of the cults. I can't prove it, but it really feels like so much of the identity of that town suffered from that. And, God, if it happens with the Orioles, too, I don't know how you come back from that. Maybe it's a story behind the story.

story. But anyway, yes, back to Mickey Mantle. Back to you? Oh. No, back to Mickey Mantle. Back to me for a moment. He was arrested, but he didn't go to jail, which was probably a good thing for Dick Elwood. He might not have been too popular afterwards. But I wanted to read you this funny part in his book. He worked in Vice. You know what that is? I do. I sure do. So like down in the Baltimore block in that famous area? Yes, down in Probably down there a lot, right? Yes. Yeah. When you enter the strip clubs on the block, the lighting is very dim,

and this is so some sex acts can take place either right at the bar or in the back of the club. Another reason for the low lights was obvious once you entered the bar and saw some of the ladies of the evening. Hell, if you saw them close, you would want to shoot the lights out. Isn't that funny? Anyway, yeah, anyway. Cop stories. It's cop stories by Dick Elwood. And really, I'm enjoying it.

I'd like to meet him when I come back there in a week or so. Well, I'll tell him. If he's around. Yeah, he'll be around. Yeah. And you guys should collaborate or something. You guys should do something together. I think it's so interesting that two people at this point in their life, each retired for decades, are living across the courtyard from each other, writing.

I mean, is this the guy you told me about, like, some nights you get up, and it's like two or three in the morning, and you look across, and his light's still on. He's not writing. No, but I imagine that because he did share with me that he wakes up at night like I do and writes like I do. And like every writer does, you get up and you start thinking about your story or your plot or your character or whatever. And you need to make notes. So you come in here to the computer and next thing you know, it's morning. See, that's a good story.

But Chuck, you see what I mean about putting it through the hoop? Like you get us this far. And what I want to hear in the story is, you know, I got up the other night to make myself a cup of tea because I couldn't sleep. There was a story on my mind, you know. And I looked across the courtyard, and I couldn't help but notice there was a light on. And I realized it was my friend Dick burning the midnight oil, cranking out another cop story. And I said to myself, well, there's a kindred spirit. And then, of course, you find the body.

And Larry, the seeing eye dog, comes in and solves the crime. with a preschooler taped to his back in what can only be a completely unique and exciting episode of Columbo, which was also an underrated procedural, as you might recall. Wow. The great Peter Falk. And one more thing, remember? Yeah, just one more thing. The raincoat?

Yeah, I do remember the rain. I remember the rain. It was never raining. Never rained during the whole show. Guy never took off his raincoat. And there was also McLeod. Remember McLeod? Dennis Weaver riding down the streets on a horse?

On a horse, yeah. So it was like Columbo, McLeod, McMillan and Wife. You know, these are the shows I remember watching with Dad 50 years ago. You're watching these silly English procedurals, or at least pretending to watch and pretending to listen. Well, you have it on mute most of the time. I remember McMillan and Wife, Colombo. God, the Rocker Piles. Hawaii 5-O.

Hawaii 5-O. Jack Lord, man. That iconic, you know, zoom in, which was actually a zoom out. You knew that, right? Yeah. They did it backwards because they didn't have a drone. He's talking about the shot, Mom. Do you remember on Hawaii 5-0? And then it's all this high action cuts.

And then they do this shot where they're in a helicopter, and the camera is locked down and they're off Waikiki. and they're flying very quickly about maybe 50 feet above the Pacific. And they're zooming in with the camera as they're flying toward this condominium. And there's this guy in a black suit standing on, what are you doing? I just took a picture. I took a picture. Go ahead, Mike.

Don't be so easily distracted. I'm telling you a story and your face vanished behind a camera. Honey, women multitask. I can do two things at a time. I can take a picture and listen. So this helicopter is flying about 60 miles an hour straight toward this condominium, and there is a thing called a West Cam Unit, right,

which is the camera underneath the chopper. And that's being operated remotely, and it's zooming in. It's an impossible shot because the guy in the black suit is Jack Lord. And at the last moment, right, how they timed this, I don't know, but Jack Lord is looking into the condominium, and he snaps his head around like this, boom, just as the camera pops in and gets him in this perfect shot. And it's the perfect shot. It's perfectly in focus.

Well, how they got it, Mike, is that they shot it in reverse. They started right there, and he turns away as the helicopter zooms out. Yeah. Yeah. I learned that probably 30 years after watching it. And just in my head thinking, man, that is a shot in a million. And then a DP said, oh, no. All they did was start at the end and then back up and then reverse the tape.

Dummy. I have no idea what all that means, but I'll take your word for it. Oh, why don't you take another picture? And then you can look at it later and just relive the whole moment. I already got one, hon. Hey, speaking of blind people, I've got a project. I think you're really going to like, and I'm doing it because, in large part, because of your dad. Do you know the name Ralph Teeter?

Does that ring any bells at all? Ralph Teeter. No? Ralph Teeter ran a company during the Depression called Perfect Circle. And that company was founded in Hagerstown, Indiana. And Hagerstown, Indiana became a huge... huge town in the automotive world. And this guy, Ralph Teeter, was the founder of Perfect Circle.

But before that, he was so much like Pop. He was a tradesman who was just obsessed with finding better ways to engineer a thing. There just wasn't a mechanical thing this guy couldn't do. And as he got older, you know, the war came along and he enlisted and he created all kinds of things on submarines that changed the way the basic operating system worked. He invented cruise control. He invented, in large part, the automatic transmission in cars. He did all this stuff.

And his grandson is a guy named Jack, who reached out out of the blue, and sent me a link to a documentary he made about his granddad. He asked me if I would narrate it. And I said, yeah. So I'm going to do that sometime in the next week. or two, but the point is, Ralph Teeter lost his vision when he was five years old. And all the stuff he invented, all the stuff he accomplished, it's so mind-blowing. This guy's attitude and his talent and his demeanor just remind me so much of pop, who, as you well know, as a long-time

member of the Lions Club, devoted so much of his efforts to supporting the Maryland School for the Blind, where I did my Eagle Scout project, and where your friend Joanne has some friends who went and so forth. That's where Joanne went to school, Maryland School for the Blind. And your grandfather lost his vision. At the end of his life. For the last 11 years of his life, he was blind.

Well, it was more, was he profoundly blind for 11 years? You know, he could see, shadows and he could see a source of light so he could look at a TV and see, you know, things on the TV. Not clearly, but otherwise he didn't see much at all. I mean, he was legally blind, but he could see maybe some shadows. Do you know what my mother did for those last 11 years, Chuck, with my grandfather? me. She walked across the lawn, which was probably, I don't know, 50 yards away maybe. Not even. And yeah, if. And she sat there next to his bed, sometimes next to his chair with a yellow legal pad

and just interviewed him, asked him questions mostly about his youth, and wrote it all down. And I remember, Mom, you telling me, it was amazing how clear his recollections were 80. 90 years passed, as opposed to eight or nine hours passed. Yes, absolutely. And I'm glad you reminded me of that. You know, I still have all of those notes and I've never written his story. And, you know, it might be something to kind of balance the story here at Oakrest because Pop lived at Oakrest, the last years of his life.

and he was blind here also. So, yeah, there's a, you know. I think that's amazing. You know, when people ask us why we don't have any format, why we don't have any plan, it's because you can't have a conversation like this if you have a plan. Anybody who's listened from the beginning right to now,

and I'm about to end this now, I mean, it is the perfect circle, Ralph Teeter's company. The whole conversation, it always comes full circle with you, mom. That's why you're a great writer. And that's why sometimes you have to talk in an English accent when you find the poor murder victim, which really, it's not so sad. You're right. It's not so sad when you do it in an English accent, I guess. And just see the body and not show the

act. That's all. Oh, yes, and not show the knife sticking out of the chest because that can be upsetting to a lot of audiences. Not everybody's prepared for that, especially if it's under a Christmas tree. surrounded by wrapped gifts and it's the only thing under the tree that's not wrapped. Ho, ho, ho. The knife or the body? And there are children running around playing as though this was a normal occurrence.

This was in the projects in Baltimore City and those people were privy to all kinds of violence, depravity. Sadly. Well, way to end things on an upbeat note, Mom, I appreciate that. Thank you. You're welcome. If I can find something pleasant. What's next?

Oh, today? Dad's going to come back from Bachi Ball, lifting his balls on his own. We're going to celebrate that. And we're going to have some supper. We're avoiding eating in the restaurants and dining rooms because we chose the 20-meal plan, which means that 10 days a month I cook or I prepare a meal

or we go out and eat, which we do a lot. Well, don't you know? I have company coming in like 10 days. My six people, our children, six people. So we want to feed you while you're here. I appreciate that. So we're eating on our own. So then we'll all go to the restaurants together.

That'll be fun. You're not going to cook for us? No, you don't want that. Gosh, I love you guys. You know what? I did a lot of cooking in my life. my life and um maybe enough i'm past it yeah i don't need to cook anymore yeah well i've done a lot of eating in my life and i'm i'm not past it yeah so yeah no i guess none of us are yeah no

none of us are no but everything is more of chewing and swallowing amen is to it i look forward to seeing you and everybody it'll be fun yeah it'll be fun i'm headed down to uh florida first and then I've got some meetings and stuff, but I'll be up there. What's the occasion that all the family's gathering? There is a Roe family reunion. Oh, nice. Uh-huh. Jesus, we should really film it.

You want content, Mom? You've got it. I don't know about that. We'll talk about it. I can't write about any of it. We'll talk about it. We'll talk about it. All right.

In the meantime, I'll see you next week. Tell Dad, hello, and I love you. Love you too. See you, Chuck. Always nice being with you. Thank you. There's no podcast without a sponsor. Thank them for paying the freight. Please don't fast forward through their commercials. Even the ones you hate.

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