The Way I Heard It with Mike Rowe - 360: Coffee with Mom—Let's Not Talk About Thanksgiving with Peggy Rowe

Episode Date: November 22, 2023

Tongue twisters, laundry mishaps, Betty the book-club-lady, the Klausmeyer I-told-you-so protocol, steel drums, bad videography, hot cross buns, cannibal hamsters, camping in July, rogue waves, and just a touch of Thanksgiving—It's coffee with mom.  

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Netsweet dot. Slat a cup of coffee with my wife. Well, that would be something if you had a sore shoulder because I do. I'm not sure why my shoulder sore. That's hard. That's a mouthful. I'm not sure why my shoulder's sore. Soar.

I'm not sure why my shoulders sore. Yeah, that's hard. I'm not so sure why my shoulders sore. I'm not so sure why my shoulder is so sure. So, sore. That sucks. See, there was a time you would have said, aw, shucks, and it would have been funny, too, because it would have had the S.H.

But you went right for the crude because that's what's happened. That's what's happened to you. Well, yeah, I consider my audience. I mean, you too, I mean. That's fair. Yeah, well, hey, do you know, mom, on your screen, any of our windows, if you click on that, it'll make us bigger or you can make yourself big. Like right now, I make Chuck as small as possible because I'm tired of looking at him. I can still see him, but I make you as large as possible because you're my mom and I miss you.

Okay. I do see a little square that says expand frame. Go ahead and click it. See what happens. See if you like it better. Wow, you're big. You're big and Chuck and I are small. That's the way it should be. It's that head, you know. That's probably why my shoulder's sore, mom, sore.

Damn it. From carrying that ginormous noggin. Yeah, I'm walking around with a 16-pounder. Teetering up here on my shoulders. And I did my walk. This is the seventh day in a row with 40 pounds up and down the hills. So, yeah, it's a little tweaked. Gosh, Mike, I don't know if that's a good idea or not, but then you're not asking me for my opinion. No, no, I'm not. And I so appreciate you realizing the difference between a solicited inquiry and just polite conversation. But as your mother, I can give it any time a darn well, please, right?

You can, and you do, and it is strange that we're nearly four minutes into this thing yet. And you haven't told me to wear a baseball cap, put on sunscreen, stay out of the sun, and not take rides from strangers or whatever else you're on to this week. You don't listen to me anyway. I don't. Where's that? He was just in the kitchen trying to figure out how to set the timer on our microwave. It all of a sudden defaulted to military time.

So instead of 2 o'clock, it was... 14-400. Yeah. So I don't know. working on that right now. He just got back from the laundry room. We have a big laundry room downstairs, and if you have an oversized load, like several sheets or a mattress cover or a quilt, then you can go down and use those, they're free for anybody to use. And we have used them on one other occasion, but Dad thought he knew how to do it. So he went down and took a few sheets,

mattress cover. Was there a problem with the sheets? Did something unfortunate happen that needed industrial strength cleaning? He called me a minute, like two minutes after he left the apartment and said, there's no water. How come there's no water? And then a minute later he said, oh, I think I put him in the dryer. So then he took the, but he solved that problem. So I figured I'd better high tail it down there.

So I went down and by the time I got down there, he had transferred them. to the washing machine. What are the odds that he put the dryer sheet into the washing machine? He did. And then he had to take... And then he had to take them out and take the two dryer sheets. The odds are 100% of them. The odds are very good, Chuck.

Very good indeed. Well, I did give a warning as he was on his way out the door, but, you know, Dad's hearing isn't great, so he might not have heard me. We've had some feedback over the last year of us doing this things. By and large, you're still very popular. People love it. Are there some specific things you would like to discuss?

Do you have an agenda? A laundry list in this case, if you will. A laundry list, yes. We could talk about Dad's foray down to the laundry room. I think we just did. That's done. So cross that one off and now we're moving on. Closed in dryer instead of washing room.

Okay. Thought it went pretty well. This evening, I'm going. going to be a guest at a book club, but I don't drive at night, and it's not until 7.30. Wait, who? Who's invited you to a book club? I don't really know her, but she's a fan. Oh, God. And she called here and left her phone number and said that I was invited. How did she get your phone number? She doesn't have my phone number, but everybody in the world knows where I live. Oh, she called. Right, they called the home. Okay. She called the front desk. And,

They took a message and put it in my cubby in the mailroom. And she sounded like a normal person. No, they all sound like normal people. They all sound so freaking normal. And then the next thing you know, that's how they get you, Peg. So you're going into a stranger's house tonight or no? No, I decided against that because she lives at least 10 miles from here and it's dark. five these days and the meeting's not until 7.30 and I don't know any of these people. But I did

say that if members had questions for me, I would be happy to answer those questions. Well, her son was there. His name is Mike also. And he was very savvy as far as technology is concerned. And he signed them up for Zoom. And so I'm going to do a Zoom meeting tonight with a book club that I've never met, but they've read my most recent book vacuuming in the nude, and apparently it was popular. Well, I guess that's good. I mean, why not, right? I mean, even if it's weird, at least it'll be content.

It'll be a new chapter in your next book. Well, I spoke with her, and they're totally normal people, really nice people. All the ones who call the old age home are. Well, I think the fact that I was local, and she knew that because she knew that. She follows me on social media. What's her name? I can't tell you her name. That would be, you know, she deserves some privacy.

It might come in handy for the trial, for the inquest. We want to know where to look or who to call when we can't find you anymore. Her name is Betty. Okay. Betty, the book club lady Chuck, make a note. Maybe her son, Mike, the tech wizard, can swing by in person and fix the microwave. Oh, maybe. I'll see how Dad makes it.

out. I'll tell you, Mike, if it's not one problem, it's another. This morning, you know, he has hearing aids, and when he talks on the phone, the sound goes right into his hearing aids. He has a Bluetooth device, and on his phone he can control the volume in his hearing aids. Well, they weren't working. He wasn't getting any calls. I mean, he couldn't call out. He couldn't call in. I calling. So we struggled and struggle and struggled. I asked the community and I finally said, let's just shut it off. So we did. We shut down, rebooted, and now everything is fine. He's getting this. See, this is not the story you want to tell me in front of Chuck. Now I'm just going to set back quietly for a few moments as he goes through what we like to call the Klaus Meyer I

told you so protocol. Go ahead, Chuck. You can start whenever you're ready. Yeah. So it's always good to reboot things because it resets things and a lot of times all of these technical issues can be solved with a simple turn it off, wait a second, turn it back on. This is a direction that I've been given to your son many times when he's had just a plethora of technical issues and he resists it with as much fervor as anyone can muster up. It's not that the advice is bad. It's just that the way it's delivered just drips with a kind of supercilious nests. And it's difficult to reward that kind of tenor in tone with, you know, an affirmative action. I try and put it off to the side.

And, but yeah, he's right. You mean like, have you rebooted the thing? Have you tried rebooting? Yeah. Like that? But now it's like, oh, you're going to hate what I'm about to say. You know what I'm going to say. Have you rebooted?

But what's bad, Mom, is like I'll have 40 windows open, which I know that's bad too. You're not supposed to have 20 or 30 or 40 windows open. And many of those windows contain articles that I've been reading very, very quickly to try and bolster the foundation of, say, a story that I'm working on. And so I have dates over here and I have specifics over here and some other way. And like all that stuff is really useful to have open so I can toggle back and forth. But when I reboot, it all gets lost. I got to save. It's just you can put a man on the moon, right?

Yes. I think part of it is that you don't like to be told what to do. That's not true. I mean, even if you ask for advice, you'd rather not be told. Chuck, am I right? You might be on to something, Peggy. I'm not going to lie. I think that is a big, big part of it. If I want to get Mike to do something, I have to suggest something just a little bit worse than what I want him to do so that he can have the idea of like, well, wait minute, what if I do this? And then I'll be like, hey, that's genius. Go for it, buddy. It's tough to do. It's so transparent, though. I know what you're doing when you do that. So what else is on your list? Do you want to talk about your new book? Is it done yet? Hurry? Please. Oh, Michael. Is it done yet? No,

it won't be done until next summer. Oh, come on. Yeah, it'll be out next fall. You know what? I'm 85, hon. I can't write as fast as I used to. And I have to investigate and I have to interview and I have to go out and get the story, you know? You're a journalist now? You're looking for the Pulitzer? Just write some fun, amusing stories about stuff that happens to you every 20 or 30 seconds like you've been doing. This is the part where you remind him about the 45 windows he has open for research on the story he's writing, Peggy. I've never had 45 windows open. I've never had 45 windows open. I don't. don't even think I have 45 witnesses. You've got them.

You've got them. That's my point. You don't need to research stuff. I'm still stuck in this story writing thing now, which has turned into this giant barking dog. I can't make it go away. I'm supposed to be writing a totally different book for the publisher, but I can't because Crazy Matt over at TBN is producing season after season after season of the story behind the story. So they need more and more and more and more stories.

And it's just, what do they call it? struggle is real. Well, it's really a good position to be in, yeah, to have too much content to even have the time to write it. And it sounds like that's what you have or even enough time to produce it. I have a lot of content. But, you know, my book is going to be about our lives here at the home and the people we've met and the stories we've heard. It's all going to kind of mesh together, I hope. But I have to take the time to listen to people when they tell me stories. And some of these stories are just amazing. I love them. So it's just taking me, you know, time to write them. Just getting them all down is one thing. And then going back and doing the revision and making them really good.

That's the fun part. Maybe Crazy Betty and her savant son, Mike. She's not crazy, hunch. And she listens to everything we do. I'm just messing with her. If she listens to everything we do, then she is chuckling right now. She's chortling in her home. Yeah, yeah. But maybe you should go in person. I mean, it gets very meta.

You know, you're writing a book and you get a call from a woman who loves your books to invite you to sit with them as they talk about your book. And then ask you questions about your book as you're writing a new book and that whole experience could easily become the forward in your new book. because I'm not going to write another one. I've done three. I'm tapped out. You're going to need to come up with something new.

It's funny. I was talking to her this morning when I called to tell, you know, to respond to her message of two weeks ago. And she said, I love how your son writes your forwards for you and how he makes a joke about it. And I said, well, I'll let you know how he responds to my request for the fourth forward. I can tell them tonight. You didn't tell me, Betty, was a fan of my forward writing.

This is a, you know what, I'd like to retract the crazy part. Yes, have her come over. Have her come over. Next time you're here. Give her Mike's number. You know what? Let's call her right now. No.

Do you actually have her number? I do, but I know she's busy getting ready for her book club. Who cares? Call her and put her on speaker. Let's talk to her. She's serving dinner. and it's a big deal. I don't care.

It's 11. What time is it now? It's like 2.30 over there. She's not serving dinner. She's probably got a frozen dinner stacked up. They're going to microwave some stuff or they're going to order a pizza or something. It is pizza. She mentioned they're having pizza.

Told you. Well, let's wait and see how our time goes. If we have some spare moments at the end of the show, we don't know what to talk about. All right. We can meet this. At the end of the show might be closer than you think, Mom, but let's just keep that in our pocket. If you've got a number handy and the conversation starts to drag, we're already, what, nearly 19 minutes into this thing.

Probably going to have to pause for another shameless plug in a moment. Oh, if it's a jingle, I'll be interested. First the Zoom, then the call. Start with the Zoom. You think? Okay. Yes, you know, this is someone who's called her out of the blue, right? That's true.

Yes, I know. I'd like to determine whether or not I'd like to get the vibe. Is this a crazy person? Probably not if she likes the forwards in her books. She obviously is a woman of elevated and sophisticated taste. But still, it kind of feel like, you know, a dad would want to talk to the boy who comes to pick up the daughter before the date. You know, you might just want to just have a little clearance. You know what I mean?

She did talk about this, my latest book, as being light and fun. Well, that's a compliment. I wanted it to be fun. It's not extremely light. There are some heavy parts in there, some heavy moments. The cancer story was, you know, a little on the serious, on the serious side. But it is called vacuuming in the nude, which, yeah, and you are on the cover, naked, but for a barrel draped over your animated lady parts. So, yeah, that's why I can't. You can't go in person. They might want me to revise the title and my hands are not up to back. Revised. I think they might be able to leave the cover. Yeah. Bring a barrel. Exactly. We're having an interesting event here on Friday. The Catedsville Steel Drum Band is coming. They were here last year. Have you ever heard 15 steel drums? Uh-huh. A little bit of that goes a long way. I'll be honest with you. Well, I'll tell you the good thing is

Dad can hear it. I'll bet. We'll be able to hear it from here. The thing about, yes, I mean, with great respect, I'm sure it's a wonderful organization. What I love about steel drums, Mom, is that they're so immediately, what's the word, evocative.

When I hear a steel drum, I can feel the sand in my toes. I can feel the trade wind in my hair. I can taste the margarita the Pinia Colada. I can smell the salt in the air. Just that backdrop of that steel drum with a little bit of reggae coming in off the southwesternly breeze. Yeah, I mean, it's a vacation for your ears. Jimmy Buffett was like that. His songs just immediately, you know, put me in a vacation state of mind. That's the good part. These are children.

Oh, never mind. What a nightmare. You have kids? Well, no, their high school children. Probably 15 through 17, age, you know, 10th, 11th, the 12th grade. But they had it last year, and Dad and I went. I dragged him, and he thoroughly enjoyed it. And we have some friends from the outside coming over, and they're going to have dinner with us, and then we'll go to see the Steel Band.

And then afterwards, I talked to some of the members, and they let me hit the drums. Yeah, they let me bang the drums. But it's not just banging on drums. I mean, they have notes. Yeah, it's like a xylophone. Yeah, these are special drums and different areas have different notes. And, I mean, they practice a lot.

I think they're quite good. And old people really like it. And there will be a full house. I would have to get there early in order to get a decent seat. Well, people are still raving. Raving, I tell you. about my mother's performance in the latest Pure Talk commercial. And if you haven't seen it, I encourage you to give it a look on my Facebook page

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in a national advertising campaign. Do what my mom did. Get yourself unlimited high-speed data for just $3499 a month. At puretalk.com slash row. You can switch in as little as 10 minutes at puretalk.com slash row. The thing I've noticed about them is, yes, they do have tone, but the notes are not as specific as say, you know, a C and F. No, I believe they are.

I believe they are. Yeah. Well, I believe you're mistaken. I think if you listen to a steel drum, you will hear that note, but you'll hear it wavering, right? Like within a half step in either direction. It kind of... There's a lot of vibrato. Yes.

Right. And so as a result, you get harmony, but it's more like a tonal. cluster, you know, it's not a super precise note in other words. Well, the kids put on a show. They will throw their drumsticks up in the air and catch them like a baton and they'll twirl around and they'll change drums with somebody nearby. They put on a show for these old people and it's appreciated. That's nice. Sounds pretty show-offy though when you're flipping their sticks around like that. That's why they come every year. What did you post the other day? that looked like about the most patriotic thing I've ever seen on Veterans Day.

There was some concert there or something? Yes. Well, I mean, we celebrate everything here at the home. I mean, everything is celebratable. So, of course, I've come to the conclusion that there is no more patriotic group in the world than the elderly. These people, I have to admit, I don't all. always look at the action in front of me. We had a band. It was the Maryland military band, and there were eight members, brass, and then percussion, of course. But the director was so

well-spoken. I mean, he stood, he gave history about World War I and the Korean War. And he's really been around, very experienced, and he was really interesting. But I look around at people. And I mean, the place had hundreds of people. it. And I see all these white heads and I see people dabbing tears, you know, from their cheeks. And I know that they've possibly lost somebody in, you know, in the Second World War or the Korean war and they have memories and they are somewhere else in their mind as they're listening to these patriotic songs, this wonderful music. It was thoroughly enjoyable. And so, of course, I always send you a little something during these concerts.

Poor Mike, he receives something from me every Sunday because we have concerts here every Sunday. And I'll send him a little snippet, little audio, little video. But I don't always have time, Michael, to center things. No, you don't. No, you don't. This is a great case and point. That's why I said something patriotic was happening

because I recognized like, you know, the stars and stripes being played. And it was Veterans Day, so I knew that. And I saw splashes of red, white, and blue. But mostly what I saw was the back of the chair in front of you. And the guy's head. And he has a cochlear implant. Did you see the device? Did you wonder what that was? No, I knew what it was. It was a big old implant in his ear and he had the moles on the back of his neck. In his skull, yeah, drilled into a skull. Nothing says patriotism like a co-cule. clear implant and a brass band. I need this concert like I need a hole in the head. Speaking of which, no, it's true. I don't know though, Mom, if it's just purely, I mean, obviously real memories and real

experience trumps everything, but there's just something about music when it's done right, whether it's a steel drum or a brass band. You know, Chuck and I have talked about this a lot because we were just kids when we stood there in the course of the Chesapeake, listening to those old codgers saying roses of picardy. And I mean, you know, just these beautiful old tunes. Yeah, from the First World War. And same thing, you know, looking at them and tears are running down their faces. And I mean, I don't think they were there at E Pre or the Somme or Yardin. But, man, it felt like it, looking at those old leathery faces and all those tears and that,

all that harmony, you know, it's, it really is a mix. It's not just patriotism. It's some, it's patriotism and nostalgia and just, I think, a musical sensibility combined with that thing the Germans call, uh, Verchmaltz. Have you heard of that? Verchmaltz. Longing for a time that you didn't live in, right? Correct. Feeling an affinity for a time that you can't actually remember because you weren't actually on the planet. And yet, you know, some people have it. I think it's why the medieval times is such a big deal in like Renaissance festivals. People get so into that Excalibur sword play stuff and other people.

Maybe it's the standards or Tin Pan Alley or music has a way of making certain people. Just so completely, I don't know. humbled by it. These stupid jingles we were talking about, those old-timey kind of, you know, those six chords, right? Where you've got the, sort of a,

it's like that. Reminds me of like the Empire commercials. 800, 5, 8, 8, 4, 300. Like that old-timey Christmas story kind of vibe and the Andrews sisters and just something about that. whole time is stitched together with the melodies of the day, for me anyway. Well, whatever it is, people here really respond to anything patriotic.

And they were dressed in red, white, and blue, most of them, most of the people. Didn't you write a story about a Fourth of July parade that everybody loved? I forget what book it was, but it was all red, white, and blue and patriotic, and then everything turned Brown when the horses started crapping all over the place and took off. Unfortunately. Well, they were responding to the military band in front of us and a salvo from the brass section. And the horses just panicked, spun around. And, well, when horses get upset quite often, they do lose control of their paths.

You know, I've heard that's an instinct of, you know, that that's like an instinct in animals to make yourself lighter because it's a survival instinct. A survival instinct. Thank you. Yeah. And to make yourself lighter so that you can run away faster. You eliminate immediately. It happens in humans too. It happened to me all the time on dirty jobs. I poop my pants. I don't know. Certainly more than once in every season. Really? Well, it's funny. You might lighten your own load, as it were. But it is. is hard to run with, you know, pants full of poo. Yeah. Animals are naked, so they don't have that problem. It's really the underwear in the pants that are slowing you down. Yeah. Okay, so in the

interest of tightening things up and staying on board, let's change the topic. It was just getting interesting. I mean, look, you grow up with horses. My early chores were picking up horse crap. I was struck immediately by the anatomy of the horse and the fact that its rectum was literally outside of its body. Once the tail's out of the way, you know, they can just stand and they can go. Like most animals, but we're not, that's not us. Did you know that our anniversary is next week? On the 19th, we will, 63. We were married in 1960, and this is 2003.

So 63 years. Can you imagine that? Wow. No, because that makes me 64. No. You were legal. Barely. By the time this airs, you will have already celebrated your anniversary because this is airing the day before Thanksgiving. Oh, right, right. In case anybody wants to talk about Thanksgiving, that'd be great.

Yes. Okay. I could have brought a turkey. Oh, and by the way, if that's the case. case, Chuck, then my dad will also have had a birthday and he'll be 91. He will

indeed on the 21st. You have to write a poem that's Nothing rhymes with 91. That's going to be tough. No, everything rhymes with 91. That's the, yeah, 90 was tough. Nothing rhymes with 90, but 91. Lots of fun.

I'll be done. Call me, hon. Hot cross buns. You know, endless. Hot cross buns. You familiar? No. No, I'm not. Mom, please explain to Chuck what hot cross buns are.

They are buns that are popular over the Easter season. And they usually have, with white icing, a cross on the top of them. And so there's a religious connotation. Significance, yes. Significance, yes. Well, I don't know the story behind them. They're buns in the shape of a cross. Well, they're like a donut without a hole.

Or they could be square. Yes. Or they could be square. Do you know, I've never eaten a hot cross bun actually. I've seen them, but I don't think I have either. They don't look too appealing to me. But anyway. I remember them in a song.

Some nursery rhyme, hot cross buns was in a... Yeah, hot cross buns, hot cross buns. Yeah. One a penny, two a penny, hot cross buns. Yeah. Something like that. That's the one. But I don't remember why we would say that.

I guess it's just a nursery rhyme. It's a nursery rhyme. Hot cross buns. You can look it up, Chuck. I'm sure it is. It sounds pretty adjacent, actually, to three blind mice. Hot cross buns, hot cross buns, see how they run. See how they run.

That's a violent nursery rhyme. Three blind mice? Yeah, yeah. It horrible. Yeah, it really is. They cut off their tails with a carving knife? Have you ever seen such a sight in your life as three blind mice? Poor mice.

Nobody seems to like mice. Well, I think they're kind of cute. No, they're not. They're really not. They're cute by themselves, but they're never alone. There's a place here called the Farallons. It's an island, about 20 miles out in the Pacific from San Francisco. And I saw pictures the other day.

It's overrun with mice. It's like six inches deep over the entire island. They're crawling over top of each other. It's a plague of mice, and they've eaten everything on the island, and nobody's quite sure what to do with them. They want to poison them, but they're afraid if they poison them, the birds that come in and eat them are going to get the poisons, and then it's going to be like a big bird death or something.

Do people live on the island? No. Well, then I think maybe they'll eat each other and eventually there won't. You think the mice will eat each other? Probably. That's what happened. Does it? It's very Lord of the Flies.

I mean, you know, I remember having a hamster that ate its young. That was pretty disturbing. Yeah, that's not good. See the mommy hamster just looking up, you know? You saw that? I thought she was feeding one of the, yes. First control. Woof.

Yeah. That explains so much. How old were you when you saw the hamster, your pet hamster, eating its young? I was like in my 30s because... Oh. So much for that theory. Was a kid's hamster. What?

Did you have a pet hamster when you were in your 30s, really? My wife's kids did, yeah. Oh. Do you remember this story where she saw this and she got so overworked? She grabbed the hamster, opened the front door, threw the hamster out. and the kids came home from school. And they were like, where's the hamster? I don't even remember the hamster's name.

And she says, oh, she got out. She got out front. She got out and then opened the door and went out front or whatever. And the kids were like, Chuck, please find the hamster. Please find the hamster. So I went out there, you know, which was just a ruse, basically. But I got a flashlight. I thought, well, you know, he might be around here somewhere.

And I'm on my hands and knees looking around with a flashlight for about 10 minutes through these bushes and then I hear like somebody step on something and I turn around and there are two coyotes who are creeping up on me and they just freeze when I put the light on them and I like I get up real quick and I look on the other side and there was basically out the front door about six feet away was a wall with some bushes and that's where I was so there were two on either side of me. Wow. And I like like I stood up and I went don't you even think about it and I waved my hands. and started yelling and flashing them in the face and they just backed off. But if I hadn't heard that,

that could have gotten real sporty, real fast. Well, were they emboldened by the fact that you were crawling around the ground and looked smaller? Yeah, I would imagine. So I don't know what they thought. I've never, I wasn't out there a lot of time, but I was out there long enough, you know, that they saw me and came up on me. I mean, we used to hear them all the time. We were right on the edge of the Angeles National Forest. I saw everything deer. owls, scorpions, rattlesnakes. It was like, it was the wild kingdom out there. It was a petting zoo up there. Yeah. Totally. Yeah. Did they have hamster on their breath? You know what? I did not get that close, thankfully. Like, I mean, as soon as I heard, I whipped around and they just sort of stopped.

Like, you know, literally just stopped, froze with one paw in the hand, in the air. And they're very close to the ground. And I knew immediately they were sneaking up on me. And I just jumped up and said, don't you even think about it. They were in hunter mode. So did you get out of there real quick? I did. I did. I mean,

I just waved around like crazy and they started backing off. And then I backed up to where the front door was and went in and said, nope, that hamster's gone. That was how that ended. It's like a perfect circle of life story. I mean, one minute you're watching a hamster eat its young.

The next minute you're searching for it in the bushes. It had probably already been eaten by the coyotes. And then ultimately you're consumed. And so, I mean, what a day. mom, where's Chuck? Where's Chuck?

Yeah. You know. And she goes out and then one by one, the whole family gets wiped down by coyotes. Thanks to a hamster that ate its baby. Don't see Chuck, but there are four really fat coyotes out there. Coyotes are enormous. Well fed. I kicked a coyote.

Oh, right. You told me that. Six, seven months ago, yeah. Oh, yeah. He was after Freddie. That thing came out of the bushes low and fast coming straight at us. And I had him on a leash. And happily, he was only about four feet away.

So I yanked him back and stepped forward and kicked at the same time. And the thing ran off. Freddie was on the leash, not to coyote. Yeah. The look on your face is, poor Freddy. I'll tell you. He's on the menu, man. Freddy's game, no matter where he goes.

I mean, he can't even go in the backyard without big birds coming down trying to eat him. Death from above. Death from the bushes. I mean, everywhere. Yeah, he is on the menu. He has just a delicious brown treat. Birds have been eye in him for years. You should have a big cage for him in the backyard.

Poor Freddy. I'll work on that. Yeah, it'd be all right. You were wondering, are you going to invite us for Christmas? No. Oh, okay. Would you come if I did? I think about it.

Dad is dying to go anywhere. Anywhere. I know, I know. I mean, after the laundry room, you'd think you'd be satiated. but no. He wants to get on a plane and travel. He would love to go, you know, those darn Viking cruise commercials,

they come up all the time. I'm sick of them. Just when he forgets about traveling, then one of those commercials. His eyes glaze over and he says, Sailing through the heart of Europe. We haven't been there, hon. I'd love to see that. I'm thinking if I can maybe get him on a nice trip

domestically, he'll forget about going. I'm kind of scared to go across the ocean now. I know that's foolish of me, but he's 90 and I'm 85 and what if we get sick and we're in another country, you know? I wouldn't if I were you personally, but I get it. He wants to. You know, he's worked hard his whole life and really didn't travel all that much. You guys, you weren't big travelers at all. Well, we've seen pretty much of the United States. We've seen. Oh, you have now. Once you got the kids out of the house, yeah, but we didn't go anywhere when we were kids.

Well, that's because two of you threw up in the car. We'd get a mile from home and they start throwing up. You know, they had, what do you call, travel sickness. They had car sickness. Motion sickness. Not me. No, not you. You were able to go places.

But Scott and Phil, I never had left the house with them. out a coffee can. I'd have a coffee can for each of them. You know, we lived like a mile from church, and one Sunday they both threw up on the way to church. And people would say to me, well, there are drugs. You can give your children drugs. And they'll just sleep until you get there. Well, that doesn't seem like a good choice. Maybe something to help us sleep through the whole service would be nice. What service? The church. Oh, church service. I mean, you can't administer a drug to knock a kid out for one mile.

I mean, that's like nothing. That kind of micro-dosing, I don't think, is wise. I love stories like this. Seven years ago, a guy named Ben Still was a musician. He had zero interest in running a food company. But he was annoyed that so much imported meat was being deceptively marketed and labeled as domestic and decided to fix the problem. The result was a company called Good Ranchers. It's a completely honest, totally transparent meat company that deals directly with American farms and

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A-ha! You know, in fact, I wrote about this. I can't remember which book it's in. I think it's in the current book. Your friend growing up, your best friend, John, his family had a camper and they had a tent. So they invited our family to go camping with them. Was it the Outer Banks? Yeah, no.

It was Virginia Beach. It was Virginia Beach. And so you and John and his parents slept in this big camper, which was kind of plush, you know, relative to our tent on the sand. It was the worst experience I've ever had in my life. It was the worst three or four days. It was like 100 degrees down there. It was July.

100 degrees. Mosquitoes, the size of dune buggies, they were enormous. Humid, the sand stuck to everything. We had sand in every crassion. crevice of our body. There was sand in the food that we ate. I remember Phil Sam one day, my hamburger, my sandwich has sand in it. It's crunchy. And Scott said, well, it is a sandwich. Scott was so smart. Was that the trip where like Philip got clobbered by a wave or something and had to go to the hospital? He got knocked over by a rogue wave. That's what the fire department

called it, and dragged along the bottom. And his ears filled with black sand from the bottom. He surfaced and screamed. You could hear him a mile away. So we called 911. And they were there in no time and took him to a hospital that was quite a distance away. And I rode with him. He screamed the whole way. Those guys, man, they blew that siren the whole way, so they wouldn't have to hear Philip. And then dad followed in our car. And you stayed behind, of course. You and Scott stayed behind in the swimming pool. But anyway, it was terrible. And we got into the hospital and we walked into the emergency room. It was clean. It was spotless. It was pristine and cool.

Air conditioned. Yeah, Phil sat up on the table swinging his legs. He said, Mommy, if you and Daddy want to go back to the campsite, I don't mind, I'll stay here. And your father said, if I'm going back to that hellhole, you're going with me. This is why we didn't take a lot of vacations, Chuck. This is why we, yeah, Mike rode in the car with his friend. and we had Phil and Scott with us, and we kept pulling over so they could throw up, you know, on the side of the road.

And then our water hose or some hose in the car broke. It was just not fun. Not a fun experience. But I think Mike and Scott might have had fun. But then when we got back from the hospital, I said to Phil, you can get in the pool with the boys. It'll be fun. They had a really nice big pool.

So we got back. Nobody was in the pool. Do you remember why? Was there some sort of bodily problem? Yes, somebody had gone to the bathroom in the pool and it floated to the top. And it was floating around. And I said, oh, look, it's floating around like a buoy. And your smart brother, Scott said, oh, it's a pooey. He was on fire that day, first with sandwich and then with a pooey. Yeah, it's a miracle he's not writing for the late night guys at this point. It was like that scene from Caddyshack, Chuck, with Bill Murray and the baby Ruth.

Baby Ruth, yeah. It's actually bad. That was a horrible week, really. But, I mean, thank God it happened. What would we be talking about but for that at this point? Certainly not Thanksgiving, which is tomorrow. No. It is tomorrow.

Oh, tomorrow is Thanksgiving. So, Chuck, what are you doing? After shutting me down with the horse poop and everything else, she brings it back to human feces in a swimming pool. Right? But I didn't use any language. It's okay when she does it. I called it a little brown floating buoy. And Scott called it a boo.

But anyway, what are you doing for Thanksgiving, Chuck? Do you have plans? I've got a couple of offers. I haven't. I'm deciding. I'm just waiting. Oh, you're waiting to see what the best one is. Yeah, get the best offer and then, you know, then I'll go.

You probably should let them know by tonight. You think? Probably. Probably. When is it? Tomorrow, the 23rd. Oh, no. I mean, in real time.

It's still the 23rd in real time. Well, wait a minute. What's today? Today in real time, it's like the 14th. That's correct. So it's nine days from today. But this will air the day before. I understand.

And you know what? I think people understand, too. I think they understand that we're not broadcasting live. Yeah, they know that. I mean, I hope they know. You think anybody really stays on to the end? No. No.

Well, you know, the last one that we did, we said, write a five-star review and tell us if you were still listening at this point. And then you said, if you can find out how to do it. Yeah, if you can figure out how to do it. And there were a lot of people. Yeah. A lot of five-star reviews that started with, I'm still listening. I heard it all. Yeah.

It's incredible. Yeah. You know what, Mom, I thought about this the other day, and I hope this isn't true. I noticed she called me yesterday. Yeah. And I didn't pick up because I was in the middle of. recording a jingle that I'm just going to re-record in a few minutes from now anyway, which is probably already aired during this episode.

Sorry, Mike, you're not getting your nail file out to file your nails, are you? No, I'm not. Oh, my mother, you know, she might be. That's what you were doing? Unbelievable. I heard the drawer open and I'm like, you're not going to do that, are you? She wouldn't do that. Never, never again.

I didn't realize you would notice. You have got to be kidding. I have a little snag nail here and I just was. going to take care of it, but it'll wait, honey. No, you can do it now that we're talking about it this point. Yeah, you might as well. I've expanded the screen, so all I see are your hands in this giant nail file as I'm trying to tell this story.

Go ahead, tell your story, hon. I was on the verge of confessing something. I saw your call, and I couldn't take it at that moment. And then when I finished doing what I was doing, I had something else, and I thought, you know what? I'm going to talk to her tomorrow on the podcast. What's the point in calling her now? I'm not sure how I feel about that.

Knowing that I'm going to talk to you in front of a few hundred thousand people is somehow maybe diminishing the amount of time we would chat just the two of us. And that's unfortunate. But, you know, what can you do? Well, when your parents are kind of old, you really should take the call. And you can always say, I'm in the middle of something, and I always respect that. I could be at the hospital or something or your dad could be in the hospital. Or in the laundry room.

Or in the laundry room. putting sheets into the wrong device. In the dryer before they've been washed. I don't hear any water. I don't see it. Hey, you know what we should talk about before we say goodbye, which is going to happen in a couple of minutes, is Doug.

How is Doug doing with his recent, unexpected internet celebrity? Do you know, I have not been out and about very much the last few days since that aired, and I haven't spoken to Doug, but I had to go down to one of the offices the other day, and I saw our friend Dana down there. She said, oh, that was so funny, what you wrote about Doug. And she said, oh, no, she didn't say it. Somebody else stopped me on the way home. Anyway, she thought it was really funny, and she loved the whole thing.

And then I had to go down to another community, and on the way back, a workman came out of his office. He was dressed for work. He was one of the maintenance crew, and he said, oh, Mrs. Roe, Doug is giving autographs. So I think he implied that we've created a monster, but of course we didn't. He's a really nice young man. He seems like a nice guy. If you don't know what we're talking about, and even if you do, my parents had a leaky pipe in the shower or in the bathroom, I guess, and it created some havoc with the unit below you.

And a plumber named Doug came up to fix the problem. And my mother started taking pictures as she does as a sort of a self-appointed budsman of the human condition and posted the pictures. And one of the pipes was filled with gunk. And my mom told me that that was the disgusting filth off my parents' bodies, which struck me as funny. So I posted that with a photo of Doug. thanking him for blah, blah, blah.

And now Doug the plumber's on fire over there in Baltimore. People can't get enough of them. He's been noticed for sure here at the home. But everybody has something nice to say about Doug. He's a nice young man. As are all of the workers here, I guess that's a prerequisite for being hired. You have to like old people. Well, you have to not hate him.

You have to be tolerant of old people. Yeah. I mean, the ones who aren't, they don't last very long, I guess. No, probably not. So Peggy, what are you going to do for Thanksgiving? You know, I don't know. I think we'll probably just stay right here. We'll stay here.

Oh, they'll have a lovely turkey dinner with all the... Oh, actually, your brother and sister-in-law have mentioned that they might come for dad's birthday on the 21st and leave later on Thanksgiving Day. Really? Yeah, they just recalled that. Because he wasn't sure he's going to let me know this evening if they can come. So that'll be nice. Holidays can be a little bit of a downer in a place like this if you don't have relatives because a lot of people have relatives come on holidays.

And they're in the dining rooms and the pool room and the shuffleboard. And yeah. But it's nice to see the other little kids running around. Don't feel sorry for me. We're fine. And Phil might come. Oh, okay. Well, now I feel sorry for you.

I'll stand in his ears and you'll be screaming up the whole way here. I wrote a story a couple years ago. I don't know if you heard it. It was called Visiting Hours. They just turned it into a TV show. And I just had a conversation with Matt about it for the new season of the story behind the story. And you guys come up in it, as does the home. Because there are a couple different things going on with the story.

but part of it, you know, is just based on this idea that to be visited is such a wonderful thing. And it's so easy to not think about that until you find yourself in a place where your only point of contact with the outside world is people who've come to see you. And so it's a story sort of about that that was kind of inspired really by the first time I came over there to see you guys and just got lost in those hallways. And it's just there's so many stories to your point. There's so much for you to write about, but so many of the people there. I mean, they're engaged in activities and they're doing things, but many are waiting to be visited. Yeah, that's so true. You know, we have almost 2,000 residents in independent living.

That's a lot of people. And I would say that probably half of those people are still vibrant and vital and have a car and drive places and take vacations and normal lives. And about half of the people are more elderly and maybe not well. And they pretty much stay to themselves and had their meals delivered or pick them up. So there's so many different kinds of people here. The people who are in their 60s and still play pickleball and softball and what's that, dis golf. Disgolf, yeah. And disc golf. And then last week, we got our latest COVID booster, and they recommended for people our age. And I saw people coming into that clinic setting I've never seen here before. And these were people, some of them

with caregivers and some in wheelchairs and walkers. So, yeah, there are different layers of residents here. one nice thing here there's a lot of wonderful volunteers and they go to see these people who can't come out and they read to them you know they'll get their mail altruism is alive and well here at the home good i guess i guess it's good it is good altruism i don't know how i feel about altruism mom honestly well the kind i'm talking about is only good i don't think there's a down side to it. I think kindness is always good. Oh, yeah. Kindness is. Kindness is always good. Altruism, I don't know, it's got an ism on it. It seems like most isms come with a little bit of suspicion. Speaking of which, how'd you react to that booster? You feeling okay? Yeah, I'll know. I was sick

the next day. For about a day and a half, maybe, a couple of days. I think I did have a fever, actually, because I had chills and I had body aches. I react to a lot of things that way. Every COVID booster has left me with those sign effects. The regular seasonal flu booster did not. But next week, I'm having the pneumonia shot. Oh, good. There's a shot for that.

Oh, yeah. And they recommend that old people get a lot of old people die of pneumonia. And then in December I have to get the shankle shut. Not looking forward to that because I have friends who have reacted very negatively to that. I know how you feel, Mike, but I don't know. I just have to go with the best advice of the medical profession here and they suggest that we get these vaccines. It's a heck of a time, Mom. We're living in a time when experts seem to disagree with one another on virtually every topic.

I worry to death about you because I know I know what I've seen out here and Chuck, you got the shingle shot right? I did. I got both versions. Like I got it 10 years ago and then about five years ago they said, oh, you need a shingle shot.

I go, I just got that before. And my doctor said, yeah, but that one turned out not to work. I'm like, really? So I got it again. And if you get it one day and then you come back, I forget how long later. It's about a month later, I believe.

But it is, I mean, I felt like I was hit with a bag of nickels. rough ride. I mean, terrible. I had a fever. I came home and was, and my whole body ached. Everything hurt. It was hurt to walk. I was walking like an old man. I showed up at the office and everybody thought that was Tim Conway from the Carol Burnett show walking around, just little tiny steps. What is the secretary's name, Mrs. Wiggins, Mrs. O'Wiggins. Miss Wiggins. Mrs. O'Wiggins. Oh, yes, with her little tight outfit and her tiny little steps. It was funny. But Chuck, really, shingles is horrible.

Singles is bad. I have a guy. I have a friend who has only one eye because shingles went into her eye. She's younger than I. I was just going to say, my guy at the Toyota place I go, my service advisor, he's lost vision in one of his eyes because of shingles. He was ready to kill himself. You know, thank God he didn't. But, I mean, he was, it was excruciating.

And now, you know, he lives with it. It's still. He lost the sight. It's still flared. up, but it was just terrible for him. Terrible. Terribly painful. I had shingles years ago, and I don't know if you remember, Mike, but I wanted to show you my back.

And I lifted my plows just a little bit, and you said, oh, no, no more. I don't want to see any more. I was just covered with blisters around the trunk. And Pop had him, too. Oh, my, he was so sick. He suffered, I mean, for at least a week. maybe two. He couldn't even lie down at night. He sat in a chair, put his head on the table. And he was, I guess, in his 80s. You know, it's best that you were uncomfortable for a couple of days.

And it's better than some side effects. Yeah. It's the chicken pox, right? If you had chicken pox as a child, then you are more susceptible to shingles, apparently. The virus still lives in your body and it can become activated. That's the story. And I had the chicken pox, didn't I? You did? You have a little scar by your eye, one of your eyes. Yeah. I should probably get that. I feel a little bit better about the shingle shot than I do about a booster, to be honest with you, for the other thing. But what do I know? And I think you're pretty protected after the first one, a certain percentage of protection you get, but you're fully protected after the second one. You probably should.

Hopefully the second one works. For shingles you're talking about. Not for shingles. Yeah. For shingles. Yeah. For shingles. Yeah. Years ago, I had a shingles shot, but it was just one single single shingle shot. It was a single shingle for your sure shoulder where you got shingles. It's called Zostricks single, single shot. A single shingle shot. So your sore shoulder doesn't. A single shingle shingle shot.

shot will assure your shoulders soar. The shingles has nothing to do with your shoulder. Oh, no, but I put it in your butt. Oh, I assume they put it in your arm. They do. But I'm not sure. Yeah. Yeah, so maybe it does have something to do with the shoulder. Maybe I was right about that. Maybe it was. What a perfect place to land the plane, Mom, back with another tongue twister. All right. So your mission this evening, since you're three hours ahead of me and you'll be able to do it is to Give me a call after this thing with Betty. Oh, okay. I will.

I'm standing by for that. All right, honey. All right, Mom, I love you. Well, happy Thanksgiving, everyone. Oh, thank you so much. Sorry, Chuck. You so wanted to do a Thanksgiving special, and this is what you got. I should have brought props.

Screaming and vomiting kids, poop and pools, and so forth. It's best Thanksgiving ever. All right. Well, we'll make up for it with our Christmas special. All right. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. Happy holidays. For God's sakes mom, the show's over.

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