The Way I Heard It with Mike Rowe - 70: You Might Feel a Little Pinch

Episode Date: August 15, 2017

No matter how bad your habits, this dentist can stop your pain - guaranteed! 

This is the way I heard it. Bill Kemmler's commitment to oral hygiene was about average. Should he have brushed more? Yeah. Should he have flossed more? Yeah. Should he have scheduled a series of routine checkups with his regular dentist? Probably.

As his girlfriend had told him again and again and again, Bill, your bad habits are going to catch up with you. Well, Bill's girlfriend was right. Annoying, but right. His bad habits had earned him a trip to the dentist, and as Bill settled into that god-forsaken chair, he wondered if there could be a less appealing place anywhere on earth, the glaring light, the pungent smell, the tray full of gleaming, razor-sharp, tools of the trade. In the dentist chair, thought Bill, a man is little more than a bug under a microscope. Are you comfortable, William? I want you to be comfortable.

Bill nodded. I guess so, he said, all things considered. Dr. Southwick was a founding member of the American Dental Association, a renowned medical professor at the University of Buffalo and a pioneer in pain-free dentistry. It was important to him that his patients be as comfortable as possible. And today, this compassionate dentist was going to employ a brand-new device guaranteed to bring patients like Bill immediate and lasting relief. But still, Bill was nervous. Dr. Southwick offered another reassuring smile. Try to relax, William. You won't feel a thing, I promise. Bill glanced over at the small audience. So confident was Dr. Southwick in his new technique, he'd invited a few special guests to

observe its debut, including some other medical professionals, as well as some members of the press. Bill didn't object. He wasn't being charged for this visit, so the least he could do is tolerate a peanut gallery. But still, this was the first time the device was being used on a human. Bill laughed uneasily. Take your time, Doc, he said. I got all day. But Dr. Southwick was eager to get started. Most eager. He'd waited 10 years for this moment. His device had been tested and retested, and now he finally had all the necessary approvals. The time had come for the dentist to show the world a better way, a more humane way. And so the procedure commenced.

Bill took a deep breath and quickly lost consciousness, just as the doctor had promised. Then the audience watched closely as Dr. Southwick ushered in a new era of medical science. And when the procedure was complete, the triumphant, dentist addressed his audience with unconcealed delight. Behold, my friends, the culmination of ten years of study. We now live in a higher civilization. The audience nodded in solemn appreciation of what they had just witnessed. But then something unexpected happened. The patient woke up. One of the witnesses shouted, oh my God, as Bill began to convulse, another scream. as white foam began to bubble from his mouth.

Something was terribly wrong, and the flustered dentist could do nothing but readministered the procedure from the start. This caused Bill to scream, vomit, and empty his bowels, which in turn inspired the doctor's special guest to bolt for the exit, vomiting as they ran, and shielding their gaze from the patient who was no doubt wondering if pain-free had some new alternative, meaning as he slowly melted into the dentist chair. In time, Dr. Southwick's invention would be put to use all over the country, but back in 1890, there were still a few kinks to work out. And so, for the time being, men with bad habits like Bill Kemmler, men who drank too much whiskey, and responded to their nagging girlfriends by smashing them over the head with an axe and then cutting them up into little pieces. These men would continue to receive their justice at the end of a rope or in front of a

firing squad or some other form of capital punishment that Dr. Southwick believed to be both cruel and unusual. That's why he created a better way to dispatch men like Bill Kemmler, a more humane way. He used electricity because it was painless. And he used a chair because, well, he was a dentist, a dentist who really just wanted his patients to be comfortable. Anyway, that's the way I heard it.