The Weekly Planet - Jonah Hex - Caravan of Garbage

Episode Date: March 24, 2022

Jonah Hex isn't very good. Despite an incredible cast it does absolutely nothing else right which makes it perfect for the DC Graveyard. Josh Brolin, Megan Fox, Michael Fassbender and John Malkovich could not save this from bombing both critically and commercially because...well yeah it's just not very good or interesting or fun or anything. Thanks for listening! SUBSCRIBE HERE ►► http://goo.gl/pQ39jN Video Edition ► https://youtu.be/Kv2KPqy-3-A Help support the show and get early episodes ► https://bigsandwich.co Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbroadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. We are back, continuing on through the DC graveyard. My goodness, Mason, is it good to be back? No. Is it good to visit another movie where- No, but continue. Where the protagonist dies sort of at some point

and then comes back with supernatural abilities. Somewhere in there, right? Yeah, I think so. Maybe not in the movie though, but there's that. Yeah. We'll get to it. There's just, you can't replace storytelling with a little animated montage.

It's not even a very good animated montage. No shade to the people who like made that, but it looks like a flash Newgrounds animation. I guess that is shade. When I said no shade, I actually meant I hate this. Is that why Strong Bad's in it? Love Strong Bad. Bring him back.

I agree. Anyways, leave a like if you could, because yes, we are working our way through some of the DC properties that didn't quite land either financially or commercially. This week, of course, we are talking about 2010s. Something. Sure, maybe. Jonathan Hexagon.

That's all right. So it's interesting. A Western action adventure. Well, yeah. Mystical and magical. And if you didn't know going into this. But not in an offensive way. I don't think so.

I don't think so. Like going into this right. I mean offensive to my. I don't think so. I don't think so. Like going into this, right. I mean, offensive to my senses. Of course, yes. Yeah, yeah. Like from the start of this, if you didn't know, you'd be like, this is something, I guess, because it's like from Warner Brothers and Legendary Pictures and DC. That's like the Dark Knight crew. Yeah.

But then it's like Weed Road. Yeah, right. Which, that's great. What's that? Great question. Are you going to look it up now yeah i was gonna i i wasn't going to but now that i say it out loud i need to know what that is it might be akiva goldsman's production company it absolutely is akiva goldsman's production company so there you go wow so they are doing things they're doing big cool things yeah so anyways so this movie

right it comes in at an hour and 21 minutes. And it feels like, you know, say like a Lord of the Rings when it's like, do you want to see more of this? Do you want to flesh out the characters? Do you want some added depth to this world? This feels like it was a long movie. And then they just took a bunch of relevant stuff out of it that maybe like added to the pacing and maybe some character interactions. And maybe even some, I don't't know maybe somebody said some cool lines maybe some notable deaths or resurrections happened off screen i felt the opposite i felt like they didn't film enough oh to make a full

movie well like on the days and then they were just like can we just add some narration that explains what we forgot to film but either way whichever direction you're coming from yeah it feels like a not finished film. Well, Josh Brolin, he said initially he hated the script. Good instincts. I think so. Josh Brolin. But later changed his mind, going to like its tongue-in-cheek tone.

Josh Brolin. Wait, is that a tongue-in-cheek? Is that a? It might very much be. That's a reference, isn't it? I think so. Tongue-through-cheek. I like its tongue through cheek message.

Follow-up piece of information. Josh Brolin later admitted that the film became unsalvageable due to its troubled production, but insisted that everyone involved, cast and crew, had sincerely wanted to make a good movie. I don't think that's ever not the case, though. Sure. Has anyone ever just like, we all hate this, right?

We're all on the same page? Yeah, we wanted to make something bad, right? Maybe there's a rare The Producers style production where they wanted it to lose money, but I don't think this was it. No, absolutely not.

I don't think they were like, we've got to ride the coattails of this superhero phenomenon. Let's make a bad movie that makes everybody lose money and faith. And if you didn't know, is this a superhero anything?

Great question. The answer's no. Hey Mason, what's Jonah Hex normally? What's he about? You're a comic book person. He's an old West gunslinger. Yep.

He broke the rules in, I believe, in a duel with a Native American chieftain. Wow. And then they scarred his face. Right. And then he was just a- And then did he re-scar his face like he does in this movie? No, no, no. Just the one scar.

Just the one scarring, yeah. So the chieftain in the comics, were they also played by John Malk movie? No, no. Just the one scar. Just the one scarring, yeah. So the chieftain in the comics, were they also played by John Malkovich? No, no, they weren't played by anybody. They were played by Pencil and Ink. Wow. Yeah. Pencil and Ink, my favourite characters. A famous comedy duo from the 50s.

Very racist. But they've retconned it in this. In this he gets two scarrings. He gets one by the evil Quentin Turnbull let's call him John Malkovich

Oscar nominee John Malkovich yeah really hamming it up and then he's like he gets he gets branded by a QT

yeah a QT brand it's a bit of a QT yeah yeah yeah well he was Valentine's Day message gone wrong yeah absolutely

and then he then he heats up a tomahawk i think and then he re-scars his face to get rid of the brand and that results in the classic it's much uh jonah hex look but traditionally jonah hex despite occasionally having maybe a a time travel adventure or something he's not traditionally like a mystical guy he's just a good gunslinger so for example for example, if he was to, like in the comics, touch a dead body and then it would come back to life and they'd wrestle and they'd tussle. Yeah. If that happened in the comics, would you be like,

I don't think that's a thing he's ever done before? I would say I don't think that's a thing he's ever done before or since, probably. Yeah. Yeah, I guess they wanted to give it that kind of mystical element, I guess. So, John Malkovich, you mentioned. Are you saying that CGI Gatling guns on a horse isn't enough? Not enough of a gimmick? Well, look, let's get it out of the way up top.

That's a cool thing I saw. I've got a couple of cool things that I saw in this. Are you saying cool sincerely? It's cool enough. Okay. All right. So, CGI Gatling guns on the side of a horse. Yes.

Pretty cool. You think that wouldn't spook the horse? Yeah, because he's like, oh, my horse couldn't carry, you know, four dead bodies. Maybe because you strapped two Gatling guns to it, plus ammunition. So I was like, that's pretty cool. That's a nifty little thing. I just want to point out we normally have Mason's minigun. Minute, this is not a minigun.

They were created by John Gatling. That's right. I think. That's right. Sounds like a joke I would make.. They were created by John Gatling. That's right. I think. That's right. Sounds like a joke I would make. No, I would say Chad Gatling. Chad Gatling. And the second cool thing I've just written, there's a lot of explosions because John Malkovich. Oh, fun side

note, if I just interrupt. The Gatling gun, it was actually Richard Gatling, and Gatling invented the Gatling gun to end war. Did you know that? He's like, it's mutually assured destruction. If everybody has a Gatling, and Gatling invented the Gatling gun to end war. Did you know that? He's like, it's mutually assured destruction. If everybody has a Gatling gun, nobody will use a Gatling gun. There's too much Gatling going on.

Or if I'm the only one with a Gatling gun, then I can probably end all the wars. I'll just take these on a horse to different, I don't know, castles. Where do I live? Where do I live? I'm Richard Gatling. Where do I live? How'd that go, Richard Gatling? How'd that go, mate?

Eh? The end all wars, did you? I'll bring you back from the dead. I'll slap you around a bit, Richard Gatling. You stupid man. Stupid, stupid man, Richard Gatling. But yeah, so John Malkovich, he's trying to destroy America. He's like, I don't like how they're making America.

I'm going to put an end to America. I'm going to shoot a big dragon ball into America. He's got a magic dragon ball shooting machine that makes explosions. And it's interesting because Jonah Hex up top, he's like, I'm going to get my revenge on John Malkovich because he killed my family. But then he's like, oh, no, in the intro to this movie, John Malkovich died in a fire. And then he's like, what do I do now?

I'll just be a bounty hunter. Kill Michael Fassbender, the guy who lit your family on fire. Kill that guy. Yeah. You know? Also, he's not dead. A lot of henchmen left. It's wild that they went.

I feel there are two very important plot points in this movie. We mentioned, was this a movie cut down, or was this a movie that wasn't a movie to start with? Whichever way it was, it's fascinating. There are two major plot points. It's the wrong length it was it's fascinating there are two major it's the wrong length whatever it is there are two major plot points one the man that ordered the death of jonah hex's family yep he he dies you think he died yeah then he's alive again later and two jonah hex becomes so close to death that he gets the mystical ability to to commune with the dead and speak to them but both of those things are in this

weird animated intro yeah and it's like you you think maybe we'd maybe want to see how john malkovich nearly you know seemingly died and then because then we'd be surprised when he comes back or do you think maybe we want to see a scene where jonah hex realizes he can talk to the dead absolutely that might be interesting, but didn't have time to film it, I guess. I think the idea here was to make something not that interesting. Oh, really? Yeah, it seems that way.

Don't you think? They intentionally did this. I think Josh Brolin is lying. I think that they were trying to make a silly, bad movie. A producer style. Do you think maybe rather than the CGI Gatling guns, I think that they were trying to make a silly, bad movie. A producer style. Do you think maybe rather than the CGI Gatling guns in the version we saw, do you think maybe in that initial scene,

he whips the sheets off the side of his horse and he's just got two valets with rifles just hanging off the side of the horse, like two hired dudes? Just two hired servants who are like, we got him, boss. And it's era appropriate, you know what I mean? It's also strange because they only kill Malkovich briefly because then he returns. What they could have said was like, yeah, he was captured, and then that bit where they robbed the train, he was on the train, and that's him escaped back in the world.

They're like, we need you, Jonah Hex. He's back in the world. Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I guess they needed some time where Jonah Hex becomes a badass bounty hunter. Yeah. And why wouldn't he just go and kill Malkovich? But yeah, you're right.

He could have just been like, well, he's in prison, so that's as good as dead. That's good as dead. In this world where I, this real world that I live in. This movie, though, it's really one of those, huh, they're in this world where I, this real world that I live in. This movie, though, it's really one of those, huh, they're in this movie. It's that kind of movie, because here we go. Megan Fox. Not much to do here.

Disappointing. Wears a corset that, to me, is upsettingly tight. I agree. I don't know if there's some behind-the-scenes stuff of being like, she was passing out all the time. I did read some trivia. Or they CGI'd that waist. Probably not, though. Maybe a combination. Maybe. Maybe they CGI, she was passing out all the time. I did read some tributes. Or they CGI'd that waist. Probably not, though.

Maybe a combination. Maybe. Maybe they CGI'd out the passing out. Yeah, sure. You know what I mean? Uh-huh. John Malkovich, as mentioned. Will Arnett.

Mm-hmm. Michael Shannon. Yeah, that's one of the Oscar nominees. There you go. Yeah. Wesley Bentley. Mm-hmm. And, of course, Jeffrey Dean Morgan, who plays John Malkovich's son,

who Jonah Hex betrayed because he didn't want to... Burn Hex betrayed because he didn't want to burn down a hospital. He didn't want to burn down a hospital. He didn't want to fight for the South. And so he touches him and brings him back to life. I don't know if he didn't want to fight for the South. Well, that's true. He didn't want to. As women, our life stages come with unique risk factors,

like high blood pressure developed during pregnancy, which can put us two times more at risk of heart disease or stroke. Know your risks. Visit heartandstroke.ca. FX's The Veil explores the surprising and fraught relationship between two women who play a deadly game of truth and lies on the road from Istanbul to Paris and London. One woman has a secret. The other, a mission to reveal it before thousands of lives are lost. FX's The Veil, starring Elizabeth Moss, is now streaming on Disney+.

Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca.

Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. He didn't want to follow orders is what he didn't want to do. No, they specifically said, he was like, I don't want to do the slavery thing because I think also in the comics... Is that the exact quote? Yeah, something like that. I don't want to do this. I think, I think, I think I don't want, I think...

Ah, vibe check, guys. I don't want to do the slavery thing anymore. Because I think in the comics he was a slave. Yeah, maybe. I don't know. Maybe they make that clear in the movies,. I don't want to do this slavery thing anymore. Because I think in the comics he was a slave. Yeah, maybe. I don't know. Maybe they make that clear in the movies, but I don't know. Who else? Lance Reddick is in this.

Oh, yeah, Lance Reddick is in this. Playing pretty much the same role he plays in the John Wick movies, which is your gun, sir. Here's some things that you can use to kill some people with. And I bid you adieu. And good night. I mean, in terms of movies, like, you know, often maybe I'll have a cutting insight. Maybe I'll have a remark.

Maybe I'll link two different things together and be like, ooh, notice this. I haven't done any of that. Oh, I was going to say, where's this going? No, no, this is just, I've written here, things I saw happen. Okay, great. There's a bit where Jonah Hex vomits a bird. He sure does, yeah. He comes close to death again and the Native

Americans are like, better do some of this magic. You're going to be vomiting some birds. Just a little heads up. It's a real bird. We put a real bird in you, by the way. It's not a magic bird. We put a bird in you. It's a bullet-eating bird. I can't believe that

Wesley Bentley was betrayed by John Markovich. Who saw that coming? Everybody. Oh, okay, right, right, right, right. And the fight with Fassbender at the end, it's okay, except for the absolutely bloodless, I'm pushing a guy into a propeller. Just come on. Indiana Jones even did it better, you know what I mean?

And that guy didn't even go into a propeller in the third movie. In the first movie, that guy went right into a propeller. Big spray of blood. Big good fun times all around. There's a big final fight at the end of this though, isn't there? And it's strange because this is one of the scenes that makes me think there was more to this movie than we've seen. I see. Because there's a real fight going on with John Malkovich

and at the same time there's a strange mind kind of hypothetical. Yeah. John Hex is kind of hallucinating, fighting the same guy, but in a big red ditch. Would you say it's a mind palace? Or maybe that's the afterlife. I don't know. Didn't we just have Constantine where there's the real world

and then the hell is overlaid on the real world. I think maybe it's the same thing. Why is Malkovich in both? Great question. I just, I don't, I know. Maybe we should email John Malkovich and ask him. I feel like either this was, like, one of them was the original ending or I don't know.

Yeah, that weird Netherrealm sequence was also earlier in the movie. And I'm wondering if maybe it was just leftover footage. So do you think maybe earlier on they're like, you've got to battle your demons, you've got to exercise your demons. Maybe the bit where he beats up Malkovich in the Netherworld, maybe that was originally said earlier in the movie. I would find that distracting. If I was having a fight with somebody,

and in my mind I was fighting that same person on a different location with different footings and maybe in one of them I've got a big coffin in the middle of the ground that I don't want to trip over and I'm like, which realm am I in? Which realm has the coffin I could trip over? Which has the big cog I can wedge his neck in? It's distracting, Mason!

Anyways, he wins. He beats John Malkovich. Yeah, because he increases the power of his punches by putting some booze on his hand and lighting it on fire. Oh, yeah. That's fun, isn't it? It is fun. It doesn't matter doing that. That's right.

And I'm going to show you later. And the president says, Jonah Hex, we need a sheriff of America, which isn't a thing. I guess because he said, no, I don't want to be the sheriff of America unless you ever need me to be the Sheriff of America. In which case, I'll do it. I'll do it. Give me money

also. Anyways, I know a lot of people, including you, they love this movie. I don't. I said from the outset this is a bad movie and I didn't like it. You always say to me it's boring and the CGI is bad and they they were like is he a gimmick guy or is he a magic guy like pick one yeah and you're always saying to me neither

pick neither just make him an interesting character which you didn't do he's so ill-defined he's like i'm a bit i'm a man of honor and principle and i'll do only do what's right but also i only do stuff for money that's right right. And I care about you, but I don't care about anyone. This is also the- I only care about my family. Who are dead. They're dead, though. Also, I feel like that prosthetic in real life

seems more painful wearing that on set than if you got actually burnt. Because he just looks like his mouth is stretched open at one side. Apparently he couldn't eat anything when he had it on. It's just not a good situation. You could stick a straw through it. You could stick a straw through it. Have a thick shake. Have a big thick shake.

My God. Anyway, you love this movie. And a lot of people always say, I love this movie. They email me all the time and they say, James, I, me and Nick Mason, we love this movie. But for me, I thought it was joyless and not compelling in any way. And it's just kind of confusing that everybody thought this was anything, I guess. Anyways, it's time for Jonah Hex-via. That's Jonah Hex trivia.

Okay, great. Megan Fox considers this to be her worst movie. Probably. Yep. That's probably true. Frances Lawrence, who you might know as the director of Constantine, among other things, he was ushered in late in production to do some reshoots. They were trying to salvage this, which means it was shorter

and then it was longer. Probably the Netherrealm stuff. I don't know. They should have put the Netherrealm. It was like, you know, you should put it up. You should have two layers of reality. Put two layers of reality up. Worked gangbusters for me.

Yeah. Tell you what. Just to be clear, my heart's not in this. I don't want to do this, but I do want the money. Don't put my name on this. His name isn't on it. You're absolutely right. I want my legacy to be Constantine and that's it.

And I am legend and all of the Hunger Games movies. Oh. Anyways, this also released on the same day as Toy Story 3. So it was 2010. There we go. Not a lot of crossover there, but I mean, that does explain why it didn't do well, I'm assuming. Well, here's the thing, right?

This movie is probably for people. Stupid people. Maybe say people who are our age, who were our age then. Okay, right. Whatever our age is now minus. then okay right you know whatever our age so 21 these days yeah that's right yeah but like youthful now in 2010 even though i was an adult yes i'm seeing toy story 3 i'm not seeing this obviously i'm gonna see toy story 3 funnily enough though director jimmy haywood who directed some of this how much i don't know he's actually

a former animator at Pixar, and he worked on the first two Toy Story films. You think this is a deliberate snub by Pixar? I don't know what this is. You think maybe he left on bad terms from Pixar, and they're like, let's crush his movie. Let's do it. Once he released from John Hicks, yeah, let's get him.

But yeah, it was crushed. More like Dixar. Wow. Yeah. Agreed. More like Dixar. More like Dixar. Wow. Yeah. Agreed. More like Dixar. More like Dixar. So the box office of this, it cost $47 million,

but it only made $11 million. That's less. That's so much less. This is one of those things where I've always known it existed, but I've never had any inclination to watch even a single second of it. Now we have. Now I've single second of it now we have now i've seen it and now i have to live with that just like jonah hex i think you'll forget it very soon yeah i guess well at least i'll always have this video and next week's video and i bet you're

thinking mason what is next week's video green lantern it might be okay i was there one in the middle well this is for the bonus thing oh yeah i'll just say here's a hint so I can put that in later. Here's a hint. We could also do The Losers. Oh, yeah. Some people have said The Losers. Yeah. So I don't know.

Because maybe like do we do The Losers and save Greenland for whenever they do a Greenland That's another Jeffrey Dean Morgan. That's right. Two Jeffrey Dean Morgans in a row. Here's the thing. The thing about The Losers is I quite enjoyed it when I saw it at the movies. And I think I saw it again on something. And I'm like, I still enjoy this. I wonder if my illusions would be shattered if I watched it again. The Losers is I quite enjoyed it when I saw it at the movies. And I think I saw it again on something. And I'm like, I still enjoy this.

I wonder if my illusions would be shattered if I watched it again. Illusions. Love it. Thanks. Anyways, yeah, if you do want to see that early, though, which why wouldn't you? You love early videos, don't you? You love early videos, don't you? You out there.

You can head over to our Patreon. I'm looking at you. Me. Yep. I do love early videos. Yeah. At bigsandwich.co, where if you do want to sign up,

it's nine bucks a month. There's early videos. There's a bunch of exclusive stuff that goes up there, including movie commentaries, including bonus podcasts, including our podcast, The Weekly Planet, where we talk movies and comics and TV shows.

If they ever decide to do anything with Jonah Hex ever again in a movie, you best believe that we talk about it there. We'll be back, yeah. Because now I've got a frame of reference for it. He's in the Justice League cartoon. He is. And he's also, he's in a live action something, isn't he? Is he?

He did a live action something. Oh. For the CW something, maybe. The movie? Jonah Hex? No, Mason. Oh, he's probably in Legends of Tomorrow. But he's in Legends of Tomorrow.

He might be. He might be. Nice. He might be. Anyways, if you do have any suggestions for the DC graveyard, what is it? Tell us. Tell us. Yeah.

Or just anything that you'd like us to look at. I'm at MrSundayMovies on Twitter. I'm at WikipediaBrown on Twitter. Thank you to both Ben and Lawrence for the edit, and we'll see you on the next video. Go Rabdad Jam, you guys. We'll see you next week. Jonah Hex. I thought this would be shorter, because there's not much to it right but you know this is the longest video we've ever done

and the last video we'll ever do i hope so it sucked all the energy out of me i reckon this podcast is part of the planet broadcasting network visit planet broadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates i mean mean, if you want. It's up to you. FX's The Veil explores the surprising and fraught relationship between two women who play a deadly game of truth and lies on the road from Istanbul to Paris and London. One woman has a secret. The other, a mission to reveal it before thousands of lives are lost.

FX's The Veil, starring Elizabeth Moss, is now streaming on Disney+.