The Weekly Planet - Nick Fury: Agent Of Shield - Caravan Of Garbage

Episode Date: March 18, 2021

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As women, our life stages come with unique risk factors, like high blood pressure developed during pregnancy, which can put us two times more at risk of heart disease or stroke. Know your risks. Visit heartandstroke.ca. FX's The Veil explores the surprising and fraught relationship between two women who play a deadly game of truth and lies on the road from Istanbul to Paris and London. One woman has a secret. The other, a mission to reveal it before thousands of lives are lost. FX's The Veil, starring Elizabeth Moss, is now streaming on Disney+. This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbroadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates.

Welcome back to Caravan of Garbage, the show where we go, we watched a thing and now you have to listen to us talk about it. You have to sit there and listen, goddammit. You don't have to. You have to. Whoa. Is this being used in some sort of CIA torture scenario? It's exactly what it is.

And if you could also leave a like, that would probably also help you. That's right, yeah. It's more for you than us. You're being tied to a chair except for one hand, which you're only allowed to use to click like. That's right. So this week we are looking at the 1998 feature-length backdoor pilot for Nick Fury, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

It was supposed to launch a fox series oh my goodness and shockingly it didn't quite take off because mason if you look at this uh if you break it down into parts into elements a lot of the law here it's taken directly from marvel in a time when they didn't really do that they just like change names and characters and powers and everything. It wouldn't resemble anything at all. Yeah, they were unwilling to take the risks in this era. Yeah. You know, it was that era of we're going to do the X-Men,

but we don't want to commit to the gold and blue costumes or, like, the unique costumes. We'll just give them black leather suits. Exactly, yeah. And boy, how does this have some black leather suits. Boy, does it. Because, yeah, if you you look at it it's got names of actual characters it's got nick fury it's got baron von strucker it's got alexander pierce that's right uh it's got valentina dumb dumb dugan you've got heli carriers you've sort of got a quinjet i think that's a quinjet maybe

is it sort of sort of there's life model decoys think that's a Quinjet maybe, is it? Sort of. Sort of. There's life model decoys. And I guess my point is they thought about it. And I think the reason for that is because it was written by David Goyer, who worked on Blade, The Dark Knight, Man of Steel, Batman v Superman. And you're saying after all his successes there, he went back in time. That's right. He wrote this crap pilot, is what he's saying.

Wow. See, that's the thing though, isn't it? Because it's so boring. Like, it's such a tough watch. And by that, I mean, it's literally tough to watch. Like, I had to, like, physically, like, make myself clockwork orange style almost. Just stare at the screen. And there's only so much I could absorb because I feel like there's large chunks of this that I've blanked. Yeah, there are two towards the middle.

There are two action sequences happening simultaneously. Is there? Yep. There's two teams. They split the teams up. They're like, let's build up a big team of five and then they split them up into two separate action sequences at the end. And just have generic basic shootouts see that's the thing like i think you're saying that they've committed to some stuff but they've really just committed to names yeah yes that's

what i mean is famous for like a shock of red hair and a bowler hat and a mustache yeah and this guy's just a guy he's just a guy you're absolutely you're 100 right alexander pierce doesn't even look like Robert Redford. Yeah, and he's not British. No. He's not British in the comics. He's British in this, isn't he? Yeah.

I'm really going to struggle because there's so much I've forgot. The only reason he's British is because they needed like a fop to contrast against Nick Fury. Because Nick Fury in this, and I think David Hasselhoff is well cast as Nick Fury. I think he looks like him, but he's terrible. Well, all right. But this Nick Fury, he's all about, he doesn't like those pencil necked number crunching pen pushes. He doesn't like rules about not smoking in a helicarrier. Yeah.

All he wants to do is live in an abandoned mine shaft, but they won't let him. They're going to bring him back for one last job. Just hitting an axe into the side of a mine, very near the entrance to the mine yeah i don't know what's going on there so what happens when it rains it's a great question so the story of this is he's been forced into retirement by those goddamn pencil pushers but then they realize that they need nick fury because hydra's back because the children of bar Von Strucker, who he killed, maybe. That's what happened. Sorry, my brain is literally rejecting this.

Also, who knew that after defeating Hydra, like the leader of Hydra, that Hydra would come back? Who would have thought that anyone could have risen up the ranks of this enormous organisation to become the leader of Hydra? So, of course, you'd just dump him, wouldn't you? Also, it's called Hydra, isn't it? It's not called Snake and you kill it with a shovel. It's called Hydra.

And in this, his two children rise up to become the leaders of Hydra. And not once in this does anyone say, if you cut off the head of the Hydra, then two more take its place. That's literally what the saying was made for. It was made for this show, and they didn't do it. They didn't do it. So they're releasing the Death's Head virus, which they get from the body of Baron von Strucker,

and they're going to use very cold missiles to launch them into New York City circa 1998. That's right. An obvious tragedy. So they need David Hasselhoff's Nick Fury out of retirement. But again, he's been pushed out by pencil pushers. He also got an eye pushed out of his head. So he's got that going on.

Look, you know, he's made reappearances in Marvel movies since. He's, of course, in Guardians of the Galaxy. We have to say that because, you know, it's one of those things people will remind us if we didn't. We'll get a comment that's like, didn't you know that Nick Fury's actually in every Marvel movie ever made? Not everyone, though. Not everyone, I say. Everyone, you're right, yeah. But what he's going for here is he's just doing Snake Plissken,

but not as good a version of Snake Plissken. I'll give him this. He's very tall. He's much taller than everybody else. He's very tall. So that's good. But he's got, like, no charm or skill. He's just aggression and a very dull wit.

You know, because he's not funny, but he's constantly like, hey, dudes, what about, take you outside. He's like, he's tended cling to the bowl no matter how many times you flush. Like, he meets the boss and he's just like, yeah, you're a big turd. Also, he's stupid. There's a telepath in it or someone who can read minds. Guess what? Doesn't have telepathy in the comic books.

No. Well, okay. There's some things they got wrong. They just need her at the end to be like, they just needed a get out of jail free card, I think, at the end because like the- How's the bad guy going to give up the information? Well, just say one of them has telepathy

and then we'll film a scene at the start, one scene at the start, where she reads somebody's mind for a second. Yeah. And then we can just say that's how it worked. My point is, though, like, there's nothing about him that makes me go, yeah, you need this guy. Because you don't. They're all about equally skilled.

He's tall. I'll give him that. He's very tall. If there was something up high, he could get it. He had to get that can of beans off the shelf you know but the thing is he's stupid because the the woman who's got uh telepathy says oh yeah i got an implant to like a very memorable case very memorable kate and he goes and he like looks down at her boobs he's like and she's like no obviously not it's in my head yeah you're an idiot he's an idiot he's an idiot so here's the things that i've

uh that i retained you know i make my notes during this and at the end i went i've got like four notes like i haven't retained any of this so here's the things that i remembered immediately i'm like okay here's the things that stuck out there's lots of data screens and monitors and keyboards and the scanning of of hands and eyes and that's not uncommon in a movie or show like this. But I would say like 30% of this is dedicated to scenes like that. If you like it when characters in a movie or TV should go to a location and the location is spelled out in like that typo font, then you will love this.

It's an endless parade. You certainly will. One of the major reveals that I remember is when he meets up with a blonde woman who's working for S.H.I.E.L.D. and then she goes, ha-ha, I'm actually not this blonde woman and she sprays her face with a chemical or a mask. I don't know what it is. This movie contains two different kinds of special secret agent sprays.

Did you know? What was the second one? There's the face spray, but there's also get through a bunch of lasers spray. I didn't see that. Oh, my James. There's a scene. There's a scene, all right, where they can't go through this area because there's a bunch of lasers that will either detect them

or cut them to bits. I'm not sure. Yeah pierce is like oh excuse me i've got this spray and he sprays the spray yeah and then they can walk through the lasers so that's okay so to the best of my knowledge that's maybe it's the same spray maybe it's my purpose it's like the wd-40 of uh intelligence agencies you can just you can just do a bit of everything. I've got a creaky joint, I'll give it a spray. So when she sprays her face and it's revealed that she's actually the daughter of Baron Von Strucker, I had

to rewind it to go, oh this is a different woman. Because they're both just very similar looking blonde women. And because I'm watching it, it's pretty low def. I really had to go, what's happened here? James, this is why you would make a terrible secret agent. Every blonde woman looks the same to you.

I'm in low def, yes. All right. So you mentioned the mind reading sequence. The one at the end, it's extended. It's quite long. And you'd think that how it often is with a mind reading sequence, you get flashbacks and you go into people's minds and maybe there's a battle in the it often is with a mind reading sequence you get flashbacks and you go into people's minds and maybe there's a battle in the mind and they have a mind battle

maybe they both appear as knights of the round table or they're with jousting poles or something something like that you know like in dread they do really good versions of that dread is a knight of the round table he's got a jousting pole lean ahead he's got a jousting pole they're just jousting at each other but here it's just it's just sparks and heavy breathing. And it's quite long. It's like a minute long of like, keep getting the numbers. And so she's getting a list of numbers because they need a list of numbers to stop the bomb. And then he has to choose between the numbers six and nine for the missile.

And then there's a really tense scene where he's like, six, no, nine, no, six. No, I think it's nine. It's like, what are we doing here? What's happening here? Anyway, it was six, I think. It was definitely six. There's something I remember. Do you remember when a robot, a life model decoy,

walked into the room of the pencil pusher, the real, the shield nerd who got Nick Fury kicked? room of the pencil pusher, the real, the shield nerd who got Nick Fury kicked. As women, our life stages come with unique risk factors, like when our estrogen levels drop during menopause, causing the risk of heart disease to go up. Know your risks. Visit heartandstroke.ca. FX's The Veil explores the surprising and fraught relationship between two women who play a deadly game of truth and lies on the road from Istanbul to Paris and London.

One woman has a secret, the other a mission to reveal it before thousands of lives are lost. FX's The Veil, starring Elizabeth Moss, is now streaming on Disney+. What's that movie where the guy plays video games and he goes into space or whatever? Battle Beyond the Stars? The Last Starfighter? Last Starfighter, that one. Okay, sure. It's one of those movies that I named. Anyway, also it turns out very late in the game it's revealed that Nick Fury has a fake eye in his head

and that is also a massive explosive. And he just walks around with that in his head. Yep. Alright, what if he went through like, I don't know, like airport security and a magnet set it off or something? James, he lives in a mine shaft. He's not going through airport security anytime soon. Not smoking a cigarette or a cigar, would he? They're not going to be letting him.

And here's the thing also. I know that Hasselhoff can like, can run up a beach. Like I know that. Yeah, he's famous for it. He's famous for it. But he sure as shit can't do stunt fighting. Like, at all. And that could also be put down to the Corrie.

You know what I mean? Maybe. The blocking. That's right. The way it's filmed. But there's a fight that he has, like a fist fight with Baron Von Strucker's daughter towards the end. And my goodness. Sandra Hess of Mortal Kombat fame.

Mortal Kombat Annihilation. Mortal Kombat Annihilation, yeah. Maybe that's coming up soon, Mason. I don't want to watch that. We're going to have to. You've said it now. We committed to it. You Kombat Annihilation. Mortal Kombat Annihilation, yeah. Maybe that's coming up soon, Mason. I don't want to watch that. We're going to have to. You've said it now. We committed to it. You can't edit this out.

So, yeah, it's really poor fighting. And, look, if you don't mind, I'm just going to skip to the ending because I want to highlight what I remember. Go on. So, at the end, Baron Von Strucker's daughter gets inside Baron Von Strucker's casket, his frozen casket, and it slowly lowers into the ground. Very slowly.

And Hasselhoff's like, ah, she's getting away. Also, he's got a life model decoy, but whatever. It doesn't matter, does it? Anyway, it's really slow. And how deep does it go? I don't know. It's not specified, but he goes, ah, she's halfway to China right now. Why don't you drop like like, a grenade down?

You could probably climb down. Like, how deep do you think it is? Maybe you have a spray. Maybe you've got a spray. You spray, and it'll seize up because you put the spray on it. That's right. Well, maybe it goes faster. All the way to China.

But, like, does he think they – where does he think it goes? Because, really, she's just, like, 10 feet in the earth, right? Exactly. Does he actually think there are tunnels to China? Because that's a myth, Nick Fury. Well, it's the Marvel universe. It's the Marvel cinematic universe. Oh, that's true.

So maybe there are tunnels to China. Maybe that's what he was digging in his mind shop. He's like, I know this can be done. So as is customary also at the end of like 80s and 90s action movies, it's like that pencil neck geek gets punched. Shut up. He's like, well, look, you've saved the world, but I don't approve and I'm going to write you up for whatever and then bang,

write me up for me giving you a big fucking punch in the mouth, mate. Which honestly, we all saw that he did it. I mean, arguably, they'd let him off for all the other stuff, but he definitely punched that guy. He definitely punched him so hard. And, of course, there's one post-credits scene, or as we used to call them, pre-credits scenes. A thing that happened at the end of the movie.

That's right. Where it's revealed that Baron von Strucker is in fact alive and he's ready to take revenge. He wants to do more Nazi stuff. He's got all kinds of sprays. He's got so many sprays. That's the one spray. And he replaces the previously alive old guy in this movie,

Arnim Zola, who got electrified by a reversible electric gun and then just rolled his wheelchair off a cliff or something. That was pretty funny. I think intentionally. I can't tell. No, it's hard to say. It is, isn't it? Anyway, I wanted to talk about David Goyer's involvement in this.

Okay. Because David Goyer, he's been involved with a lot of great stuff. And he's survived a lot of duds, apparently, as well. It seems that way. So he spoke with Mandatory in 2016, because he had to. I get it. Okay, that's good. He said, I was approached with the idea of doing a Nick Fury film,

and they wanted to make it for a price. What? That's what he said. I'm just reading it. I said you should make it for free free out of the goodness of your heart, for the art of it, you know, but they said nah. They wanted to make it for $10 million, something like that, and I thought, well, it's espionage.

He's not a superhero. I could maybe do something, so I wrote what I thought was a classically influenced Jim Steranko, Nick Fury movie. I don't know. I think Marvel got sold again, but that went into purgatory for years and years until later Marvel made some kind of deal to do four TV movies at Fox. And somehow they

ported over this script of mine, and they said they wanted to make it into a TV movie. And at this point in my career, things were a little further along. And at the time, TV wasn't the TV that it is today. I wasn't super enthused about trying to do a TV movie, because now they were suddenly trying to make it for $3 million or something like that. Apparently it was six. You can see some money in this though, right? Yeah, but you can also see Vancouver. You remember the 90s, everything was filmed in Vancouver? Everything was, wasn't it? If the scene's not being filmed in some sort of, you know, underground lair filled with pipes, it's just being filmed in an alleyway.

It's so true. Just a dreary old alleyway in Vancouver. And they said, guess what? What? We've got David Hasselhoff as the lead. And nothing against David Hasselhoff. But here's something against David Hasselhoff. But it took it into a camp direction,

and they asked me if I wanted to rewrite the script, so I took a pass. I actually wasn't involved in the production, and I don't know who rewrote it to this day, so I can't really speak to what happened then. Ha ha! Laughs in brackets. So yeah, he wrote an initial thing which became a different thing.

I see. So you can't blame him for this. But he's still credited on it. Yes. I guess David Hasselhoff wrote it. It seems that way. Which explains the song at the end in German. Is there?

No. I just turned it off. I turned it off, Mason. That would have been a highlight for me. So look, one of the things we do on this channel is we read reviews from Letter from letterbox and you have to try and guess what insane review correlates to a movie right thank you for bringing the madness of those videos into this video here we go i just want to read a few letterbox okay cool that's all so i don't have to guess anything i mean you can but i refuse okay so this is from cameron who says i fully believe uh the plot device to have nick fury poisoned was

to cover up the fact that david hasselhoff moves as gracefully as a mannequin. Very tall, though, isn't he? So tall, Mason. Oh, yeah, he's poisoned for all of this, isn't he? He's been poisoned, not with snake venom, but tree frog venom. Couldn't even go with that. No, they couldn't. He got a big kiss, didn't he?

From Viper. Yeah. Which is like me, I'm giving you the kiss of the Viper. Tree frog venom. They did that in one of the Wolverines. The one where he fights a very old man and a robot. Did David Eskoy write that as well? Don't know.

Let's not look into it. Let's not look into it. Leave it in the comments. Please. Camilla says, ah, it's so bad. I think it might actually be worse than the Incredible Hulk Returns even. This doesn't even have a guy painted green. It's true.

It is boring, isn't it? It is boring. Boring and bland. And the Hydra guys aren't even like, they aren't even dressed in the traditional Hydra green. They're just in black, men in black suits with white face paints. I thought there was like two of those guys, but I think it's most of them. Or it's the same guy, they just film from different angles. Yeah, it's meant to be a bunch, it's much

it's meant to be all their like elite espionage guys. Like in the tradition of like, you'll never see these guys coming, the bald men painted chalk white. And the last one, which to its credit is one and a half stars, so a little bit above that one star. Kevin says, I realise this was made on a television budget. I realise that this was a product of the genre's awkward teen years.

I realise that Hasselhoff is doing the best he can, but this is some shit. Which I think is quite an apt description of this show. It's atrocious. Every now and then we hit something really atrocious and we've really struck on it today. I always knew this existed. I always thought this is probably a funny camp throwback,

but it's just boring. It's dull. I always knew this existed. I always thought this is probably a funny camp throwback, but it's just boring. It's dull. That's the biggest crime you can commit, I think, in a comic book superhero style movie is if I'm just checking my phone or like really wanting this to be over so I can watch something else illegally uploaded to YouTube, then I've got millions of options. Absolutely. I could watch another Mr. Sunday Movies video.

Absolutely you could. But then that's the worst thing he could do. I think also what you just struck on then, the fact that they've never bothered to remove this from YouTube really speaks to how nobody cares or knows this exists. I can't tell. He fucking looks like Nick Fury, though. I give him that.

Very tall. God damn, he's tall. I mean, he could have some white at the temples. Sure. But the look is solid. That's right. Also, his life model decoy is more muscular than him. I don't know what they're doing there. I don't know what's going on.

He's got to sign off on it. Nick Fury and Hasselhoff wouldn't sign off on it. That's true. But then you know which one you're fighting. This one's more muscular. I mean, they're still very tall, and that's good. This one skipped leg day, so it's the real one. All right, this has been Caravan of Garbage.

We do this here every week and if you do want to see these early, which you absolutely can, if you go to bigsandwich.co and sign up, they're always there early, aren't they Mason? That's exactly right. Also there's a bunch of other podcasts there, including our podcast The Weekly Planet, but an ad free feed and a day early. And we do exclusive podcasts there. We do

one on clickbait. We do one on comic book clubs, don't we? We do a movie commentary every month. That's right. Maybe this time it'll be on Nick Fury, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., the TV backdoor pilot. It won't be. But maybe it will be.

Maybe. But it won't be. We'll go back to this, yeah. That's right. And we do one on particular years in pop culture as well. So, yeah, you can check that out if you want. But as mentioned, our podcast called The Weekly Planet comes out every Monday, regular time, if you do you can check that out if you want. But as mentioned, our podcast called The Weekly Planet comes out every Monday

regular time if you do want to check that out. And we'll see you at a next video. Oh yeah, wait, I've got to do that thing where I hint towards next week. Here's a hint towards next week. I can't, I don't know what we're doing. Wow, it's Nick Fury, Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. again. We're doing one of those things where we just keep watching it. I don't like that. Every week. I don't like

that. Alright guys, thanks for watching. We appreciate it. Grabbed our jam, you guys. We'll see you next week. Now get me out of here, James. I'm feeling like a bratwurst. Either get me out of here or get me some mustard. That's what he says.

Is that what he says? He says it in the... Get me out of here or get me some mustard. So he can smear himself in mustard. Like a bratwurst. Like a bratwurst would. He's in a chamber. He's in a chamber. Oh, that's right. Because they're likeear himself in mustard. Like a bratwurst. Like a bratwurst. He's in a chamber. He's in a chamber.

Oh, that's right. Because they're like, that's right. They're flashing chamber. He's like being zipped. Let's get out. I don't want to talk about this anymore. So we should get out of here?

Let's get out of here. Or we should get some mustard. That's right. For smearing. This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbroadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. I mean, if you want. It's up to you. FX's The Veil explores the surprising and fraught relationship between two women who play a deadly game of truth and lies on the road from Istanbul to Paris and London.

One woman has a secret, the other a mission to reveal it before thousands of lives are lost. FX's The Veil, starring Elizabeth Moss, is now streaming on Disney+.