The Weekly Planet - Superfast & Super Terrible - Caravan Of Garbage

Episode Date: February 13, 2019

Superfast is a terrible Fast & Furious parody and movie that's why we did this and I'm very unhappy.Video Edition ► https://bit.ly/2MEg0WpEdited by Ben: https://twitter.com/BenChinapenTwitter �� http://twitter.com/mrsundaymoviesFacebook ► http://facebook.com/mrsundaymoviesPatreon ► https://patreon.com/mrsundaymoviesT-Shirts/Merch ► https://www.teepublic.com/stores/mr-sunday-moviesThe Weekly Planet iTunes ► https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-weekly-planet/id718158767?mt=2&ign-mpt=uo%3D4The Weekly Planet YouTube ► https://goo.gl/1ZQFGHBuy Superfast & Superfurious Amazon https://amzn.to/2ANTFQX Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

On May 10th, Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes is coming to IMAX and theaters everywhere. What a wonderful day! This summer, one movie event will reign. It is our time. Apes hunt humans. That is wrong. Bend for your king.

Never. Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes. Only in theatersres May 10. Tickets on sale now. This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbroadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. You know what I enjoy more than a Fast and Furious spin-off film, Mason? Nothing.

I'm talking Hobbs and Shaw. You enjoy nothing more than that. Disagree. Parody trumps spinoff every time. Everybody knows that. That is actually true now that I think about it. Yeah, okay, all right. What have you got for us?

This week we're looking at the parody spinoff. Not a spinoff, just a parody. Oh, what if it was a real? What if this was an authorized parody? I feel like Hobbs and Shaw looks like an authorized parody really there's superpowers and people flying down buildings but this one uh super fast with this was a 2015 release to coincide with whatever fast and furious movie came out that year seven yeah that sounds about right which is interesting also because the box for this calls it Super Fast!

Yes. The movie itself, it's called Super Fast 8. So if you can't even get the title of the movie right in the movie, I think that's probably a bad sign. Anyway, this is a mercifully brief 99 minutes. It feels longer though. It feels longer, it really does. I did it in two 45 minute blocks. Sure.

To kind of get through it. But it was not without its production woes, Mason. Really? I'll talk about the budget a bit later. Okay. I had my suspicions about that.

And also the death of Paul Walker impacted this movie because this was actually released on video on demand the same day as Fast 7

or whatever that whatever one came out the day he died. And he was rushing out to the video on demand store. Oh, that's in poor form, Mason. No, it's fine. He was rushing out to one of those DVD k. Oh, that's in poor form, Mason. No, it's fine.

He was rushing out to one of those DVD chaos to get it out. If you're not familiar with the writer-director duo behind this, Friedberg and Seltzer. Seltzer? Seltzer. Here's some of the movies you may have heard of theirs. They wrote Scary Movie, just the first one. Okay, sure.

Which some people consider fine. It's got a 54 rating on rotten tomatoes then they did date movie epic movie meet the spartans disaster movie vampires suck the starving games best night ever super fast the rotten tomato scores on those range between seven and zero percent incredible and this one does not have a rotten tomato score because this is presumably where they just gave up all the reviewers reviewers were like, nah. Nah, not this one. As if. Yeah.

Having only seen bits and pieces of these movies, I don't feel this is the worst one, probably. I was expecting a lot worse. I mean, it's not good by any stretch of the imagination. What are you saying? He's pausing and I don't like it. No, it's not good. But you know what?

It's not good, but I settled into it. Okay. The movie started. You forced me to watch this. Come on. Well, initially I didn't you know what? It's not good, but I settled into it. Okay. The movie started, you forced me to watch this. Come on. Well, initially I didn't even know what it was. You just sent me a link and you're like, watch this.

And I'm like, and it said super, and I'm like, is this, was this a movie, like a serious movie intended to cash in? I'm like, okay,

I could probably watch this if it's a cheap ripoff or whatever. And then I'm like, oh, this is a full, this is a full length parody of what I, mostly of the first Fast and Furious movie. Yeah, well, let's see. And a little bit of the, when the rock shows up.

What I'm saying is that it's painful to start with. It's so bad. But then I hated it less as it went along. And I think it's partly because I just settled into it as Stockholm Syndrome and partly because I stopped paying attention. I was going to say you're on your phone. I was on my phone for most of the year. But it does kind of open similarly to the first one because you've got

your Paul Walker character. We'll just call them the names of the actors that they're parodying. Well, the characters, the Vin Diesel character's name is Vin. Vin Sorrento.

Correct, yes. But that's the only one I remember. Which is probably a reference to Australian actor Vince Sorrenti. No doubt. That's what I thought.

Yeah, and look, all the actors that they've got look enough like the people that they got look enough like the people that they're parodying yeah the paul walker guy's doing a keanu reeves i think or a paulie shaw i wasn't i wasn't sure but it might be paulie shaw but when he rolls up to the race he's got like i break for homes on his car and it says justin bieber fan and he's never driven stick and it's like these are all these are all good jokes to open to open the movie do you know what i mean but again i don't know if is this par for the course for one of these movies it seems like i i was i was impressed with this movie because it wasn't

just like hey everybody here's britney spears yes here's someone dressed as britney spears that's what i thought it was going to be because it's going to be a series of cheap references to what was happening in 2014 2015 yes because that's what what i've seen of meet the spartans they're like look at that guy who's screaming about britney spears under a blanket or whatever is britney spears shaving her head or whatever what i was expecting was a lot of britney spears references and i was bitterly disappointed there's really none of that yeah mostly just very poor gags and one of the gags that they're open with at the beginning is the Michelle Rodriguez character

who's dating Vin Diesel is gay in this movie. And I think that's parodying that Michelle Rodriguez in real life is bisexual. So they're like, isn't this funny? That is pretty funny. Imagine. Imagine. A world.

Imagine being slightly different from another person. That is funny and worthy of a gentle ribbing, isn't it? And their first race, by the way, the races look terrible in this. Well, yeah, I mean, it's a cheap. It's not that cheap. And I'll get to it in a bit. I'll get to it at the end. Okay.

They put some stuff on the line for the street race. They put on guns, drugs, and the Vin Diesel character puts up a day spa. And then it's a very extended joke where he just names all the things that you character puts up a day spa and then it's a very extended joke where he just names all the things that in the day spa in a day spa and there's a lot of that in this movie like just a joke that's going for a really long time but it doesn't get better or worse it's just it's like a plateau yeah right jokes you know what i mean even within the jokes themselves and anyway paul walker loses because of all, he runs out of fuel because he doesn't have any fuel in his car at the beginning.

And then at the end, he uses Lance Armstrong's urine to power his car. There's a topical reference for you. There we go, all right, that's fine. I bet it wasn't. I bet Lance Armstrong's star fell many years prior. You're probably right. At least it wasn't Britney Spears' tears or something like that.

See, that would have redeemed it. After Paul Walker loses, the cops show up and they tase him. And when they're tasing him, he's doing the robot, which is a good joke. Except he's not really doing the robot. Like, he's not good at doing the robot. Get a guy who can do the robot. If you're casting and the opening sequence, which the rest of the movie relies on, needs him to be doing the robot.

Get a guy who's good at doing the robot. And I don't begrudge any of the actors in this, man. You've got to work. And the material that they're working with, I would say nobody in this is terrible in what they're doing, in what they're supposed to do. They're doing exactly that. If not more, in some cases. They're giving it their all.

Yeah, absolutely. It's a very average material. I even think that these guys are quite good. These guys are very good at delivering some average jokes. Yeah. Maybe they suggested some better stuff on the day. I don't know. I would have hoped.

Well, there's outtakes at the end, and it doesn't seem there's anything. We'll get to it. Okay. But yeah, it's after the race that I realized that it is just the Fast and Furious, the first one for the most part, because the Paul Walker character is secretly a cop and he's infiltrating Vin Diesel's gang and all those kinds. It's the same kind of thing.

You know what I mean? In 2012, a United States anti-doping agency investigation concluded that Armstrong had used performance-enhancing drugs over the course of his career. Three years it took. Three years. Three years. That's a hot topic. That's a hot topic. It's a hot topic. Yeah.

Also, his pee wouldn't even be that potent by then. No, that's right. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, for sure. It would have just been regular urine. It's ridiculous. But yeah, so he rolls up to Vince's shop, Vin, whatever his name is,

and he gives him a job even though he's a cop and he's dating his sister and they're immediately in love or whatever and then they go to meet a gangster for a deal that the bad guy uh he's the big gangster in the town and their audition to to drive the cars for this guy and do some kind of heist or whatever it is that they're supposed to do i don't remember i made notes but i still don't remember is you think it's going to be another car race but it's a very long extended dance-off sequence. Oh, I forgot about that.

I mean, it's reasonably well choreographed. It's just, again, it goes for too long because it's just dancing. Do you know what I mean? So it's not a joke. It's just dancing, and it's not funny dancing. It's just dancing. You don't find all dancing inherently quite funny? Not really.

Dancing can be beautiful and magnificent, Mason. It can be funny, magnificent mason it can be funny but this is none of those things it's just standard dancing bog standard standard dancing i also i wonder about this movie who's it for yeah like because i it's for tricking grandmas it is for tricking grandmas i would have thought that people who are hardcore into the fast and furious movies some real gearheads yeah Yeah. Is this for them? Those movies are basically parodies of action movies anyway. They're so serious and full of themselves and so ridiculous.

And they know what they're doing in making them. I think they know what they're doing. I think they're doing it on purpose. It doesn't really work for parody. It's hard to parody a parody. Yeah. Because they're like kind of a weird point break spin-off, knock-off kind of thing already. And I think Seltzer and Friedberg have spent their entire careers attempting to parody parodies.

That's why none of their movies work. Because it's like date movie. Let's do all the romantic comedies and whatever. Like a romantic comedy would. Cool. Except with poorer jokes. Incredible. Right, yeah.

So anyway, they're delivering something for the crime boss to get a car, to get an expensive car. Incredible. Right, yeah. So anyway, they go to deliver... No, that's right. They're delivering something for the crime boss to get a car, to get an expensive car, but it's a bomb. It's a bomb and they have to get rid of the bomb, but one of them holds the bomb for too long and the bomb explodes. It's pretty good. And then Paul Walker accidentally shoots the cop who was his boss and then he gets framed for the murder,

even though I guess he did murder him. He did murder him. Exactly right. He didn't get framed for the murder. He did a murder he did murder him. He did murder him. Exactly right. He didn't get framed for the murder. He did a murder. Yeah. The evidence for doing the murder was pointing all at him because he did the murder. Yeah.

And this is when The Rock shows up. And this is what I think is the high point, but it's so brief. Because the guy who plays The Rock, and I didn't know The Rock does this, he's got a look, like he does a neck kind of snap look into position. And I'm like, oh, The Rock does do that. But that's the only thing the guy kind of snap look into position and i'm like oh the rock does do that but that's the only thing the guy this guy's a chameleon yeah absolutely but the rest of it is it's that look and then he kind of stops doing it i think they just forget so he stops doing it and then he just rubs himself in baby oil for the for the rest he wears a very

tight shirt and he rubs himself down all the time yeah that's his that's his whole bit yeah and also he's dumb i guess because his partner's telling him what to do because he's not he's not really smart as a cop is that right but that's not that's not part of it's a joke yeah i know but the rocks the rocks character in those movies he's not dumb no there's a parody oh like imagine if he was dumb that's right yeah but they get paul walker's handprint off the off the cop with a with a black light and also it's at that point we see that the rock is covered in semen for some reason. Is it semen or bed bugs?

I don't know because it's little wiggly worms. I don't know. It's an odd joke. But, you know, it's... Is he gay? Is that the joke again? Is it his own semen? Maybe.

What's happening? But it makes you think, doesn't it? That's what all good art does. Makes you think, you think doesn't it that's what a movie that's what all good art does makes you think you know yeah that's right so the gangster is going to kill uh vin diesel's crew uh paul walker's wanted for murder for the murder he did yes the reason the car's important is because it has all the gangsters details in there of all the gangsters crimes yeah in the computer of the car yeah and there's a moment when they go something smells fishy and there's just a fish sitting in the car oh there sure is and then they move it and then there's just like you can just see the little tv screen in the in the in the car and it just says

like list of crimes i've done and like it'll say here's all my drugs and here's i've stashed all this money in a offshore bank account or whatever and it it's subtle. Why is it in a car? I don't know. It's a parody. It's a parody. What was in Fast and Furious 7? There was some stuff in a car, wasn't there? There's always stuff in a car.

Yeah. Whether it be whatever those movies are about. I have no examples. Okay. On May 10th, Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes is coming to IMAX and theaters everywhere. What a wonderful day! This summer, one movie event will reign.

It is our time. Apes hunt humans. That is wrong. Bend for your king. Never. Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes. Only in theaters May 10th. Tickets on sale now.

Hey, great. What's happened here is you watching this movie has retroactively erased all the knowledge of the actual Fast and the Furious movies from your brain. It would appear that way, yeah. So they decide to assemble a crew like the Fast and Furious movies do, Mason. Yes. They get an Asian guy who's actually Chris Pang.

He's an Australian actor. Is he? He's in Crazy Rich Asians. I met him once. He's a really good dude. And I'm glad he's working and he's doing better than this. And you. And he's doing infinitely better than me.

See, what you've done here is you've buried the lead. What's happening here is probably Chris Pang has watched the first two minutes of the video, watched you rubbish him, and has switched off. You should have complimented him at the start. You're right, exactly. Now he hasn't gotten to this bit. Chris Pang's friends, if you've watched to this point, and you were planning on beating up James,

tell him to keep watching. Please do, yeah. There's also, they get a rapper and they get they get a model who i assume is that like the gal gadot character sure anyway paul walker's having a baby with uh vin diesel's sister and there's another extended joke where he doesn't get that he's having a baby she keeps using metaphors of having a baby and he's like what what does this paulie shaw thing goes for like maybe 43 minutes. I don't know.

It's a really long joke. Yeah. But it's a good joke. So. Oh yeah, you're right. But then the robbery is on. Yes.

And they go to a place and they beat up some people, but it's the wrong place. And they beat up a priest and a nun. Yes. It's a parody. That's funny. It's a good, it's a good joke.

And then, you know, at this point, I love how you took notes about this movie. And then... You know, at this point... I love how you took notes about this movie. One of us had to, because we need to remember the plot, don't we? No, we don't, though. That's the thing. But it was this point...

Here's the thing that I do remember about this movie. So the crime boss that they were... He's like a little squat middle-aged man. Yes. But he's also super ripped and knows karate. Did you see that bit? I did see that bit. He beats up your

friend chris pang my good friend chris pang he beats him up and he but not just like they got a stunt double to come in he's doing like he's doing like flying kicks he's doing spin kicks yeah that's the best part of the movie this squat little oily dude this middle-aged man doing spin kicks if you watch this movie for nothing else cut to about just just scrub to about the middle if you and just just watch a middle-aged man doing spin kicks and the other thing i noticed about this movie if you took out the extended jokes it'd go for like it would be like a like a 15 minute movie it feels like a mad tv parody yeah it feels like a mad tv sketch it would have normally gone what it would have been is it would have been cut into three over the course of the

episode yes so it would be about 10 minutes and hopefully there'd be some better stuff in between but probably not i never watched mad tv you're missing out go back i won't no you don't have to i was just kidding that was a trick to see if you would so the idea is now to get into the the villains vault which is inside a taco shop uh in there they've got naked girls who are counting the money so they can't steal money so they send in two of their crew uh they need a dna sample from the boss to open the vault because he you have to you have to kiss it and it opens it's a good joke it's a parody because that's not how it works it's not how it's not how you it's normally a scan of your eye that's right

or something or a fingerprint so they were like let's do this to the max yeah and that's where we get the oily spin kick that's what i was going to say leading into that because they need to get the sweat from his butt crack it's the funniest place to get some sweat it certainly is yeah anyway they open it up uh they ship the wrapper in in a box for some reason why is he in there i can't to see the one that opens it up it's not important they open up the vault no sorry i just realized what i'm explaining isn't what actually happened. It's their explanation for how they're going to do the heist. Yes, correct. None of those things that I just said happen in the movie.

They tricked you. It's a hypothetical scenario. And then they just walk in and just start shooting. And then they strap chains to the taco shop and drag it like they do with the safe in whatever movie that one happens in yeah so that's the idea or in the last um pirates of the caribbean movie very funny film very funny film it's a parody of those straight laced pirate films i'm sure a johnny depp version has turned up in one of these he's in epic movie okay well that makes sense yeah okay uh they drag in the building there There's a chase. Just to be clear, this is the point where I stopped watching. So you're taking the wheel here.

I'll fill it in. You're the Vin Diesel of this particular podcast retelling of this movie because I stopped watching. La Familia. It's not that I didn't have time. I had time. I didn't have the interest. This is interesting because you're saying this movie's fine and you didn't hate it, but you didn't finish it. Correct.

And you didn't take notes. Yep. That's why you think it's fine and you didn't hate it but you didn't finish it correct yes and you didn't take notes yep that's why you think it's fine yeah because it's a piece of cinematic ephemera that I threw away as soon as I finished with it

I'll never think about it again but you'll never not think about it you're probably right you'll go to bed every night for the rest of your life thinking about the movie super fast you'll be like

is it super fast or is it super fast I don't even know so the Michelle Rodriguez character gets arrested, but she's happy because... She gets to go to women's prison, if I had to guess, yes. And the female cop arrests her, and she's gay, and that's funny. That is pretty funny.

There's a bit where there's a first-person shooter Grand Theft Auto video game moment, which I guess that's a reference. That's good, isn't it? Because that's a game that people know. What, Grand Theft Auto 3-ish? I don't know. Would it have been popular then? It doesn't. Four? a reference that's good isn't it because that's a game sure what what grand theft auto three popular then it doesn't it was it was the four it was first city i don't know first person so they must be one of the newer ones it's not important the rock gets bribed by your favorite

oily squat gentleman okay uh with human growth hormone and tight t-shirts and a razor to let him go so the rock character lets him go which which I feel is against the character in this film. I mean, he's stupid, but he's down the line. You know what I mean? Yeah, right? It flies in the face of what they've established. Of the pre-established character of the rock parody man. You're absolutely right.

Yeah. And then Paul Walker's then revealed to be a cop, but he double crosses the rock because the rock's a good guy again, I guess. And he's like, I'm with my crew and we're gonna go but then bloody what's his name the boss is like now i'm gonna shoot you guys because i'm i'm a gangster but then michelle rodriguez is making out with the cop in the car and they they run him over because she's gay and that's that is funny it's pretty funny actually yeah and women can't drive there's yeah well there's two really good jokes

in that two really good jokes yeah yeah i Two really good jokes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I forgot to mention this, but the Vin Diesel character, his GPS hates him and makes fun of him. And at the end, it takes him to a weak shot. That is pretty funny. Okay, I ask you this. A real cruel icing on the cake for him. Of the 73 minutes you watched of this, are there any good jokes in it?

Did you laugh? Did you smile? Did you even think, that's of this. Yep. Are there any good jokes in it? Did you laugh? Did you smile? Did you even think, that's a good, yep. There's a bit in it where Paulie Shaw describes how white he is. Okay. And I think one of the- It goes for a really long time, though. I think one of the things where he talked about, there's a string of references of how white he is,

and one of them I like. He got us. Okay. He got us white folks. Okay. I couldn't tell you what it was for a million dollars, but it was pretty good. Yeah, and there's also, as I mentioned, there's outtakes for this, so they're kind of laughing on set, and they seem like they're having fun, man.

And look, they're getting paid. The dude who's the Vin Diesel character, he showed up recently in Barry, the TV show Barry. Did he? Who is he in Barry? He's the lunatic mercenary guy who wants to work with Barry. Oh, is he? Guys, he is a chameleon. Exactly.

He's great in that. It's not without talent, this movie, is what I'm saying. This is the last one they've done. Except for the writers. Yes. And directors. They are one in the same. That's true.

But I just wanted to mention this quickly. directors they are one in the same that's true but i just wanted to mention this quickly this movie it doesn't have a convincing effect or stunt or a sense that anybody's driving anywhere or it's all that it's even not filmed on the same street or backlot it feels very much like that it has a 20 million dollar budget incredible it only made 400 000 a bit over in the US alone. I think about 2 million worldwide. For comparison, here are some low-budget action movies. And you tell me whether somebody just made off with a bunch of money on this film. Okay, I'm ready. The Raid, $1.1 million.

Hardcore Henry, $2 million. Wow, all right. Upgrade, $3 to $5 million. He's very tricky. He won't tell us how friendly we are. That's right dollars he's very tricky he won't tell us they are friendly that's right i interviewed him he wouldn't tell me shawn of the dead six million dollars yeah desperado seven million dollars the first one of that al mariachi was like seven thousand dollars yeah right crank 12 million dollars wow drive 15 million dollars Wow Drive $15 million $15 million John Wick I don't know

$20 million Wow This has the same budget As John fucking Wick That's incredible Yeah Yeah And I knew that

I knew what the budget Of this was going in So it definitely Soured my already Sour mood Of what happened You're right Where did it go

Maybe there was Incredible craft services On the day, the one day that they filmed. They did seem very happy in the outtake, so maybe they were all full from delicious craft services. It premiered in Italy on March 5th, 2015. Good sign.

Where it debuted in the number eight position. Oh, numero otto. That's right. That's right. That's right. After this, I had to watch six hours of Parks and Rec to kind of get the taste of this out of my mouth. And it took probably two episodes to kind of, for it to kind of get out of my system.

Yeah. It's, that's, it's fucking terrible. Well, I loved it. I don't think it's the worst one, probably, because of the lack of references. Yes. We'll probably end up doing superhero movie at one point. Oh, I can't wait.

Which will probably be. That'll be much worse. Yeah. Look, again, maybe it's just because, you know, I love Flying High or Airplane. Yeah. It's a real title from the US. Sure. I think that movie's great, but had I seen that movie.

Some of the scary movies have some good jokes in them. I agree. Do you have a memory? First one's alright I think Yeah These guys wrote Spy Hard Did I mention that earlier? I can't remember

But yeah so you're not against a parody as well No for sure Not even a dumb parody Yeah But it's just It must be tough to hit the mark on these things It seems that way And it's

This movie is too specific Because it's just the plot of the first Fast and Furious movie And the rock And the rock. And the rock. And the rock bit, right? Yeah. But I mean, it's just those movies.

It's just basically the first one with a couple of jokes added around it. Because it's the same story. Yeah. It's a worse telling of that narrative. Yeah, yeah. With worse jokes. And this is supposed to be the funnier version of that. Anyway, it's fucking terrible.

It's crap. This is Caravan of Garbage. There's an extended version of this if you want to check it out, linked below. We also do videos here every Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday. If you've got something to recommend for Caravan of Garbage, please let us know. If there's a huge demand for watching superhero movie,

we'll watch it. You want us to do The Starving Games? No. I don't want us to do that. Actually, I don't think they did superhero movie. They did epic movie. We don't have to. We're not married to what exclusively at this point

watching Seltzer and Friedberg movies. We can watch anything. You're right. Or read anything. Sometimes it's a comic. Or play anything. Sometimes it's a video game. That's right.

You have an idea actually. If there are any Seltzman Freiburg video games we'll play them you had an idea a really good idea for closer to the movie for a Fast and Furious

esque movie yeah okay we'll get to that which we might look at but that's a little teaser for later anyway thanks for watching this

we also have a podcast called The Weekly Planet where we talk movies and comics and TV shows it comes out every Monday morning where we talk the news of the week

and then a topic goodbye everybody have a fun grab the gem we all say that. We both say it. No, we don't. It's just a catchphrase. No, you say a dumb one. It's a parody, Mason. Oh, okay. I get it now. This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network.

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