The Weekly Planet - Thanos' Most Embarrassing Moment - Caravan Of Garbage

Episode Date: May 3, 2019

Thanos has performed many a dastardly deed over the years, including most recently Avengers Infinity War and Endgame. But none as so terrifying as this story from the 1970's.Video Version ► http://bit.ly/2GRC1i7Buy Avengers: Endgame on Amazon ► https://amzn.to/2VbjnIs Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbroadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. Guys, it's Caravan of Garbage. Oh, what have you bloody dragged us into this time, Mason? Oh, come on, mate. I'll tell you this much. You know, I always bring to Caravan of Garbage some quality comic books. And today?

Oh, no, I've made a mistake, actually. I've brought a terrible one. Iconic, though. It is iconic, actually. Everybody knows this image. Everybody knows one particular image from this story, which I think we should, we'll get to.

Yeah. And it's been referenced, I think maybe in a Deadpool comic many years later. And I'm like, what is the, where did that come from? So I'm like, I'm going to track down the original issue of this.

You can find it on eBay. You can find some terrible scans of it if you want to track it down. Yeah, that's what you're looking at right now. It's exactly. I've done my best to fix these up, but not good. These look like they've been passed through a dog. That was the 70s.

So this is the product of the 70s. So America had, if you're a young lad or lass who wanted to learn how to read, he's saluting America. America had, everybody. America. America had The Electric Company, which was a TV series teaching kids to read. It featured Morgan Freeman and sometimes Bill Cosby. Boo.

But one of the features of The Electric Company, they partnered with Marvel and there were Spider-Man, like live action Spider-Man sketches. That's a Spider-Man we haven't really talked about on the podcast at all. But basically what would happen is he would have sort of these very tame battles with tame villains, some of which I think were invented for the show budget reasons i'd imagine exactly budget reasons but spider-man wouldn't speak out loud he would have speech bubbles and and he's what he said was in the speech bubbles so you had to read so you had to learn to read otherwise you didn't know what the fuck was happening i would have refused yeah

i'm just gonna guess i don't go on television to read i go on television to watch spider-man beat up generic villains in the 70s like the blowhard like the blowhard the blowhard was that a villain that was a real one i believe great uh anyway so is that named after your dad oh come on mate or you i don't know quick you can name a third member of my family i don't know your sister that well. Okay, nice. Yeah, got it. You got it. So anyway, Marvel released, to capitalize on that, I guess, they released an additional Spider-Man book for young readers called Spidey Super Stories, which went several years after The Electric Company finished. So it just kept going.

What a golden age of comic books. I don't think that's the right expression. No, not at all. But it went like 50-something issues, and it was adaptations of stories from the from the electric company and it was also original stories where spidey and like various other heroes i guess tackled villains that were too big budget to be on the show so it's like it's like we've got an unlimited budget now let's have him let's have

spider-man fight thanos yes so that's that's that's what's going on in spidey super stories number 39 which is from 1974 could have got andre the giant they could have made they could have got they could have got no exactly oh perfect they could get him now they get him now he's still alive right yeah he's still alive though he does voice some of the hulk now that's true he does yeah he's still in the universe so anyway but this is a bumper issue. It's Spider-Man. He's fighting the Impossible Man at one point. It was like this shape-shifting guy.

No wonder that wasn't on the TV series. He turns into a baseball bat. He turns into a regular bat. He turns into a teacup. Exactly. That's what I've seen from just skimming this. Exactly. I didn't read this thoroughly.

You did. Yes. I'm just looking at this like, what is any of this? Is there a narrative or is this just random images? thoroughly you did yes i'm just looking at this like what is any of this there's a there's a is there a narrative or is this just random images the first story it's spider-man and ms marvel team up at a feminist rally yes to battle a guy selling sodas out of a cart on the street that makes all the feminists fall asleep so he can then pickpocket them? Wasn't this in Bill Cosby era, right? Oh, no.

Yeah. All right. Anyway, let's skip that one. Let's skip to... So there's a little bit of a teaser early on. There's like a splash page that's like, what is the Cosmic Cube? And we see some AIM scientists. It says evil scientists invent the Cosmic Cube, but it's AIM.

Right. Everyone wants it because it can do almost anything. And then Thanos just shows up and he's holding the Cosmic Cube. He's like, I've got it. I want this. I want it. I've got it. And he's like, I'm going to take over the world.

Right. Cut to like 10 pages later. Wait, what happens in between? It's Spider-Man fighting the Impossible Man. Okay, right. Then that goes away. There is a lot in this. There's a lot to pack in, right?

He's a baseball bat. He's a regular bat. He's a teacup. What's he doing? Right, exactly. Yeah. You can't pin him down no but then it cuts to and i guess you've got to use your imagination here it's the cat uh originally patsy walker yes teen heartthrob we've seen in uh the netflix series in jessica jones trish walker who's currently the cat she's on a rooftop she's somehow got a hold of the cosmic cube and above her is her is Thanos in a bright yellow Thanos-copter. It's the Thanos-copter.

Did he conjure it using a Cosmic Cube of sorts, or did he bring it with him on his journey to Earth? Why wouldn't he just fly? I don't know. Did AIM build it? But it's Thanos-sized. It's yellow, so maybe AIM built it? Maybe he saw the helicopter and he's like,

Cosmic Cube, personalise this helicopter for me. It's very odd. And he just threw Thanos on the tail. I think that must have been what happened. Yeah, right? He's half hanging out of it, having a look as well. Like, what's going on here? Anyway, this is a series of terrible-

They're not a match either. Those two. Absolutely not. Like, at all. Yeah, right? Yeah, I mean, he's the Mad Titan with incredible cosmic abilities. And she can climb walls sometimes. She also makes cat-based puns.

There's so many cat puns in this. There's a moment here where she says, Oh, oops, I've dropped the cosmic cube. No use crying over spilled milk. It's spilt milk. I thought this was for reading. Look, we're going to get emails. So spilt is the Australian-UK way to say it. Oh, okay. That thought this was for reading. Look, we're going to get emails. So spilt is the Australian UK way to say it.

Oh, okay. That's what's happened here. Well, who invented the English language? That's right. We did, didn't we? The Australians. That's right. Paul Hogan did it.

That's right. We invented it on PlaySchool. No electric company for us. In this story, the Cosmic Cube seems to be able to do almost anything except enable the user to get a firm grip on it because it's just people dropping it constantly it's slippery as all business do you think do you think it's like a snail do you think it excretes like some sort of slick slime yeah because we don't get a sense of that in the movies do no it's this divine do you think like anytime like loki or or thanos gets a

hold of it they're like behold my incredible power and inside they're like this is so yuck this is real yuck but i can't look weak i'm holding this yuck cube if it was circular it would make sense or shaped like a slippery eel yeah that makes sense because we get The cosmic eel. Yeah, exactly. So I see a little boy gets it. Yeah, so... And he just wishes for an ice cream. Yeah, so the cat falls into an alley. A little boy named Speedy the Skateboard Hero gets it.

Yep. I mean, you know what? You're a kid in the Marvel Universe. Why wouldn't you call yourself a hero? Because there's hundreds of better heroes out there. He's just a boy in brown slacks. He's a boy in brown slacks and a jughead hat which apparently were popular yeah that's a real hat okay right do you believe it with nerds like it's a nerd hat no i think it was like a it's like a punk rock thing that is not a punk rock thing

i mean not now looks like something that p Peter Pan would wear and get beat up for. But it's like a bowler hat or something. And you cut the top off and you turn it around. And then it's a Jughead hat. So that's pretty punk rock. Am I right? No, that's the opposite of punk rock. That's all right.

Agree to disagree. No use crying over spilled hats. Yes, exactly. Anyway, the cat approaches him. And he's like, have you seen this cosmic cube? And he's like, nup. And then she goes, okay, and she leaves. And he's just outsmarted her because he put it under his Jughead hat.

He's like, oh, man, I've done it. I've got as much ice cream as I want. How many do I want? One. Just one. Yeah, good point. He summons one. Yeah.

He doesn't have a vlog though, I see here. Well, it probably slipped out of his hand. Well, it just looks like Thanos is assaulting him in the park for us which i enjoy because he wants thanos's goal is to take over the world yes probably you know well it realistically his his goal is to annihilate half of the life in the universe but he's not going to just atomize the kid he's going to harass him in the park oi oi give me this give it up get your hand off it also over he doesn't do a lot of skateboarding does he like initially he's on a skateboard and then he's just not on skateboarding yeah uh-huh great good on him anyway the scuffle in the park

between the super strong mad titan and a small boy attracts the attention of spider-man who's like hey what are you doing get up get doing get out of here none of that stop it Thanos he gets the cube he's going to rule the world so he gets double teamed by the cat and Spider-Man

oh yeah and what can Thanos do you know beside he can do anything again he's got he can

what's the Tesseract do again it's the power stone no it's the space stone okay well he can send he can send Spider-Man and the cat through a black hole but this one can do literally anything yeah the cosmic cube can do literally anything so he chooses a dog yeah it's a big dog it's not like

if i saw that dog in real life i'd be like big dog it's enormous but i wouldn't be like that's crazy would you climb up a tree like a coward well if i was a cat i would yeah it looks like about the the size of the dog from the sandlot still a pretty big dog I agree but it's not if it was like Clifford the big red dog I'll be like oh yeah yeah that's cool would you why doesn't the dog say Thanos on the side if he's branding stuff while he's at it exactly oh man yeah maybe it's on the underside yeah it's a bit subtle it's like it's It's like one of those cars that's got the neon lights underneath it. Yes.

Yeah, you know. I get you. Anyway, if you were Spider-Man and you were being approached by a large threatening dog, would you just kick it? I'd kick it so hard. Because Spider-Man just kicks it. Okay, good. We're on the same page then.

Anyway, they team up against Thanos. That dog leaves. That's out there in the universe somewhere It doesn't disappear It runs off That's true He conjures it out of nothingness And then where does it go?

Probably eats the kid Probably eats a homeless man Yeah Anyway It's eyes are askew as well Anyway they're like He didn't make it right It's not right

It's eyes are weird Well he's not a He's not a I will conjure a skew-eyed dog Slightly bigger than a regular dog It can be kicked I want to specify that Nobody kick it though

I've just revealed its weakness Everybody scouts on her Don't kick the dog If you please But anyway he learns from his mistake And he's like Okay well now I'm going to stop you guys I'm going to stop someone with the agility of a cat and a man who can leap hundreds of feet in the air i'll i'll it's a

bit of an exaggeration 50 feet in the air i mean you can use a web a web spring okay what's that thing he does like a slingshot hammock yeah he'd use a hammock anyways like well what i'll do is i'll just i'll create an earthquake yeah but of course, is his undoing because pride cometh before a fall, obviously. Boy doth it. Because he's like, oh no, I've let go of the cube. I myself have fallen over. Why did he summon the earthquake around himself as well? I just want to be clear, the dialogue is,

because it sounds like I'm doing the standard thing of reducing somebody's dialogue to the dumbest possible element. Sure. But the exact dialogue is, oops, I let go of the cube. And Spider-Man says, you were too tricky for your own good, Thanos. And he was, wasn't he? He should have. I like this, I'm not licked yet.

And they're all just crawling towards it. Just three tired toddlers. It just looks like a game of Hungry Hungry Hippos. For the most powerful weapon in the universe. Except they're, of course, beaten to it by Speedy, the skateboard superhero. He is Speedy. Yeah. Speedy by name, Speedy by where's his skateboard.

Yeah, right. Where is it? Who uses, again, the incredible, unstoppable powers of the Cosmic Cube to, like, get some grass and wrap Thanos up in it. Very good. And Thanos, again, vulnerable to grass. Yeah, he is. That's true.

As we know. Then he's... He's arrested. Then he's arrested by the police. By just like NYPD. We got this, fellas. Maybe even like park security guards. It doesn't look like a cop car.

Yeah. It looks like a yellow cab. They're taking him away. Yeah, they're like, come on, mate. You've had a few. Get in here, buddy. Come on.

Come on. Oh, man. Just sleep it off, all right? Where do you live? Titan? Look, the cab driver doesn't want to go to Titan. No. It's a rough neighbourhood.

I mean, he's not going to get a fair back as well, is he? No, sure. He's going to have to pay for that fuel. Yeah, you know it. Oh, and of course, Peter Parker turns up at the end, and he's like, what did I miss? And I'm like, you missed so much. There was an earthquake.

There was a big dog. Got kicked, luckily. A man got wrapped up in grass. He's arrested. He's in that taxi. A kid turned hundreds of passes by into ice cream. It was horrific. That was off panel.

What happens to the Cosmic Cube? The kid gives it to the cat. Oh, yeah. And then... Well, she swings away. She swings away, but she's not holding it. She doesn't have it on her. Like, unless she's tied it into a sash belt.

She's dropped it. That's what I'm saying. She just dropped it. She didn't want to admit to it. She's like, well, time for me to go. I mean, I know this one is clearly intended for kids and people who can't read. Yes. But this is just nonsense.

How dare you? What am I even looking at in any of this? You know what it needs? It needs a post-credit sequence. Okay, what we need, because it's Marvel, we need a serious post-credit sequence. And we need a silly post-credit sequence because you okay we need what we need because it's marvel we need a serious post-credit sequence and we need a silly post-credit sequence and i think the silly one is yeah right at the end we see the dog flying away in the thanos copter okay sure that's number one okay we could say that but this one actually does have a silly post-credit scene and a serious one yes it's got the wit of the web slinger, which I assume is a joke.

Here we go. Here we go. He's at a farm. Yep. There's a very surly-looking farmer leaning against a railing. It's not important, all right? You're missing the point. There's no skyscrapers.

He can only leap 27 feet. In comedy, Mason. You would establish that, yes? In comedy, it's not about... Look, it doesn't matter what the rules of the universe is. It just matters if it's funny. So let's just see if this is funny, all right? Okay, all right.

He says, why did you name your pig Ink? Yes. And the farmer says, because it keeps running out of the pen. Doesn't make sense. What do you mean, the pen? Yeah. The pen? A pen

That's again I don't know about I don't know about the wording Of any of this Oh god And then Spider-Man's like I make the jokes here old man He just snaps his neck

Serious ending But then of course There is a serious ending Where it says Don't forget to read There's a march Is this the march That ties back to the

Feminism I think it does March from earlier And it just says Read Sp Spidey Super Stories. So that's a serious ending. Yeah, nice. You're like, listen, here's your post-credits. There's going to be another one, so read these, all right?

Yeah, that's right. You want a further adventure? Hold on to your hats and cubes because it's all coming. Exactly, and hold on to those dimes because you're going to need to spend some sweet coin on Spider-Man Super Stories number 40. This is pretty fun. I like this. Did you? Yeah. It's not good. No. This is pretty fun. I like this. Did you?

Yeah. It's not good. No. But what is? Most things aren't. You know what I enjoy about this is that if they attempted to make this now, it would be torn to shreds by men in their 30s and 40s. Oh, you mean like we're doing it?

Yeah, like we're doing it. Yeah, as we've aptly demonstrated. No, but I mean more in the sense of like, these power levels are wildly inconsistent. Marvel should be ashamed of themselves. Oh, wow. Get this, right? It says at the end,

encloses my check, you can send this off, or money order for $4.50, well spent for 12 monthly issues. $4.50 for 12 issues? That's not bad. That's a bloody baker's wage, I believe, from the 70s. Is that's a bloody that's a bloody baker's wage i believe from the 70s is that not a baker's wage it's a wage it's it's a yeah very good it's baker's wage great what a great time uh i love comics i love avengers i love thanos i love slippery cubes i

love dogs cross-eyed dogs that get kicked it's one of my favorite things do you think there's going to be a reference look when we're making this yeah end game isn't out yet correct do you think any of the infinity stones are going to slip out of anybody's hands i don't look that doesn't concern me maybe the ether would yeah it's so it's woogly googly isn't it i think there's also a very good chance that we'll get a helicopter reference is this for real i think it's a fun thing that people know yeah and i think at some point we could very well see it. I'm going to bet money on it. If it's not an end game, I'm going to give myself the Hawkeye haircut.

Oh, my God. The original one. So just the haircut you have now, pretty much. Okay, right. You go to your barber and be like, give me the thing that I had last time. And he'll be like, all right. I'll do it. All right. This is Caravan of Garbage, though.

We do this every Tuesday. If you've got a suggestion for a Caravan of Garbage, it could be a comic, it could be a video game, it could be a TV show, it could be a movie. It doesn't matter. We'll give it a look, see? As long as it's short. As long as it's short.

As long as we can make fun of it. Also, we have a podcast called The Weekly Planet where we talk movies and comics and TV shows. We do that every Monday morning. Yes. If you like Avengers Endgame, we've got one about that very movie. Cool.

Check it out if you can or will and can and when and how. And do. And what. And whomst? Yes, correct. Thanks, everybody. Have a good time.

Grabbed our jam, you guys. We'll see you next week. Goodbye. This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbroadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. I mean, if you want, it's up to you. As women, our life stages come with unique risk factors, like when our estrogen levels drop during menopause, causing the risk of heart disease to go