The Weekly Planet - The 13th Warrior - Caravan Of Garbage

Episode Date: June 19, 2025

Just when we thought we was out, they pull us back in. To talk about Michael Crichton movies! This week it's John McTiernan's (director of Die Hard, The Hunt for Red October, Predator) The 13th Warrior. Considered one of the biggest box office bombs of all time this Antonio Banderas action flick is certainly not up there with McTiernan's best but it's certainly not...the worst movie. Mason doesn't like it though if that means anything to you. Thanks for watching our Caravan Of Garbage review!SUBSCRIBE HERE ►► http://goo.gl/pQ39jNHelp support the show and get early episodes ► https://bigsandwich.co/Patreon ► https://patreon.com/mrsundaymoviesJames' Twitter ► http://twitter.coQm/mrsundaymoviesMaso's Twitter ► http://twitter.com/wikipediabrownPatreon ► https://patreon.com/mrsundaymoviesT-Shirts/Merch ► https://www.teepublic.com/stores/mr-sunday-movies The Weekly Planet iTunes ► https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-weekly-planet/id718158767?mt=2&ign-mpt=uo%3D4 The Weekly Planet Direct Download ► https://play.acast.com/s/theweeklyplanetAmazon Affiliate Link ► https://amzn.to/2nc12P4 Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Can you do one more Michael Crichton movie? Can you make it a dull one? Have we been tanking the algorithm correctly though? Seems, maybe we're not. Yeah right? Maybe we should say some of those words we shouldn't say. But that'll only make us more popular in circles We can't lose James. We're riding a high. We'll never get off the high completely agree

Yeah, oh, but then we watched the 13th warrior man. Please leave a like for the 13th warrior This is based on the Michael Crichton story eaters of the dead which itself is a ripoff of Beowulf It's a damn ripoff. what it is he's admitted that himself here it's a ripoff of Beowulf and the retelling of whatever Antonio Banderas' character in this the guy he was loosely based off Puss in Boots yes it's also a bit seven samurai bit of that kind of thrown in there

it's seven samurai and the magnificent seven if none of the seven are particularly memorable and there's thirteen of them so it's really hard to keep track of which blonde or redheaded man is in the frame at any given moment. This is on Disney Plus in Australia, and the description says, a band of warriors are being attacked by ferocious creatures.

Present tense. But it's set in the past, James! It's not happening now. It's happening ages ago. 1999 is when it happened. And you might think, wow, what kind of sci-fi slash fantasy element has Michael Crichton worked into this particular story? Because that's a thing he always does. Mmm. What has he done? Nothing.

No, it's just straight up. Just some guys. And nothing happens for 38 minutes. Spoiler alert. I was checking the time codes. They're just standing around. You know how they say in Hollywood, you know, start with a big bang. Start with a big action sequence. Start with Trinity being pursued by the police and Agent Smith, and then she does the big kick and then she jumps across the rooftop.

Yep. And she gets away on the phone. She goes, I'm on the phone. None of that happens in this at all, forever. It's hardly any phones. It's just like, hello, I'm Antonio Banderas, and then I was... I slept with the king's wife or something? I looked at the wrong woman, she had eyeliner on, I had eyeliner on and we locked eyes.

Cause of the eyeliner up his shoe. Probably cause of eyeliner particles. Then the king kicked me out or something. So I just walked around. Then I saw these other guys and I'm like... Oh, this is the famous part of the Michael Crichton videos where we have to tell you what the story is cause nobody would know. Yeah. Unless you've seen or read Beowulf, I guess. True. The animated, computer animated one, was that? Oh, the Robert Zemeckis know. Yeah. Unless you've seen or read Beowulf I guess. True. The animated, computer animated one was that? Oh the Roberts and Mecha's one. Yeah. Yeah yeah that's the only one I've seen or liked.

Very good. And then he's like well I'm being, he gets exiled and then he's just wandering around. Got off pretty light by the way. Yeah. For kissing the king's wife or whatever he did. Yeah. Yeah he probably missed over in the in the big book of laws He probably skipped over executed and went straight to exile And then then like half an hour later the King's like, oh damn it He's gone. Is he? Yeah, can we get him back? Cuz I'll move up to- aww. He took the only horse Why do we only have one horse? Why's it so little?

The Vikings will make fun of us and they do it looks regular size today I thought so as well But anyway just wanders around for a bit and then then he meets some Vikings Yep, I mean his mate made some Vikings and then there's the he hangs out with the Vikings for a bit And then this lady does a prophecy and they're like we're gonna you gotta I guess this is the supernatural element to it I guess not really no just roll some bones and be like you're coming Though I mean the best part of the fantasy element was they're like, You're gonna summon the fire serpent, there's gonna be a fire serpent. You mean a dragon?

Yeah, there's a dragon. There's no dragon. There's a lot of guys. There's a lot of guys, I guess. You're gonna summon a lot of guys. There's some guys. These men are half men and half beasts. They're not.

They're just men and they killed a lot of bears it turns out. Yeah. Because they're all in a bear costume? They're all in one bear costume. But anyway they meet the viking- Where'd they get all the bear costumes from? I don't know but anyway the ladies of the prophecy she's like, You're gonna go across the lands and you're gonna stop this evil.

But there's gotta be 13 of you and there's only 12 of these guys and the last guy that's got to be a, can't be a Norseman. It's got to be the 13th warrior, you're the 13th warrior Antonio Banderas. And he's like, ah nuts. Ah spit. I'm Spanish or something. So yeah, I guess what's interesting about this is, he's a Muslim Arab and they cast Antonio Banderas because it's like, oh he's tan. We can get away with this right? He's swarthy.

We're going by Prince of Persia rules. And this is off the back of Zoro and Desperado. So, you know, he's a big-ish name. I guess he's a big-ish name. I guess Prince of Persia was operating off 13th Warrior rules. Absolutely. Swarthy. Yeah.

But I think what is interesting about this, it does depict a devout Muslim as a hero. Which, at the time, is very unusual. I mean, then 9-11 happened and we wouldn't see that for a while, if ever. Yes. I should say in a US film, by the way. Yeah, and I would say that's nice, but maybe do that in a movie that's interesting. That is interesting. Well this nearly got off the ground in the late 70s. Michael Crichton was gonna direct it, but it stalled.

And eventually it fell to John McTiernan, famous director, predator, diehard, The Hunt for Red October, Die Hard 3, which might be the best diehard. Maybe. I think it's good. The Thomas Crown Affair remake. This is one of his last movies, but it's not the last one, and it's not the movie that put John McTiernan in jail. Would you like to talk about that at the end of the video? Director jail or real jail? Real actual jail. Oh no! I've forgotten the details of whatever this is Director Jail or real jail? Real actual jail. Oh no! I've forgotten the details of whatever this is, but I'm sure it'll come back to me. So this was filmed in 1997 It tested really poorly so Michael Crichton took over and then there was this kind of director clash

Sure, so certain elements would change the ending etc. A new score was added McTiernan's like we don't need a score. Michael Crichton's like all my books have a score Put it in put it in if you don't mind. So they end up bringing in Jerry Goldsmith to make it kind of more bombastic. He knows what's up. Yeah, and you know I think there is some good stuff in this. I know it is kind of boring and nothing and it's supposed to be this epic sweeping tale but it's not really but it's kind of got a cult following but it do really badly at the time and everybody hated it. Also came out in 1999. What's your point? Well,'m just saying The Matrix Fight Club Sixth Sense, Phantom Menace, Galaxy Quest. This movie disappeared

almost immediately. Yeah because it's worse than most of those. Which one isn't it? Phantom Menace. I mean I would say Antonio Banderas' stunt rider is incredible and you can see him. You can see him on that horse. Mm-hmm. I guess it was also nice to see Antonio Banderas sort of playing against type. Yeah. Because he's kind of a nerd in this, you know what I mean? And I'm like, can he carry this off? And then he's like, I'm a nerd, but I've also got a fancy sword.

He does have a fancy sword. That's fun. And they're like, nice fancy sword, you stupid idiot. That's right. That I like it. You stupid girl. That's a girl sword They do say that to him. It's a girl sword I think here's something it does interestingly because he doesn't speak the native language. It's true. Whatever it is in this I don't think it's accurate. It's not important

It's a Michael Crichton movie So he doesn't know their language initially and it shows like a montage of him learning their language That's what you want. Picking up bits of pieces That's what you want in a movie, an action montage of a man slowly learning a language. I thought it was really interesting. And I think John McTiernan, he's done this a couple of ways, which I think works.

There's this, and then in The Hunt for Red October, it does a similar thing where it switches languages at the start. That's true. So I think it's just better than everybody just speaking English without kind of any explanation. I want a compilation and a montage of a man learning a language and then everybody speaking in English. I think that's okay, don't you think?

That's okay. Don't you think? I guess I do think that that's okay. It's certainly not illegal, so clearly this isn't the movie that put John McTinnon in real jail. So the villains in this, as mentioned, it's not specifically said in this who they are but in the book, they're descendants of Neanderthals. Oh I've got to read some supplemental materials do I? You read the book like me, we both read the book.

I didn't read the book. Let me tell you about the book Mason. I'll never read a book, after this I'll never read another one. I'll never read a book again at all forever. For the first one. I'll never read a book again at all, forever. For the first time. For the first time. I won't be doing that, no. This has soured me on books. Well done, John McTiernan and Michael Crichton, R.I.P. and Antonio Banderas. Voice of Puss in Boots.

You've done it. This is on you. Look what you've made me do. They don't care if you're illiterate. I know. I know. I'm just having a bit of a sook. Yeah, I can see that. I think it is interesting initially how they depict the villains because there is a supernatural element. Interesting initially, yes. Yeah, because the first time they attack

and they think they kill a lot of them, and then when the smoke clears, there's no bodies. So they're clearly dragging their bodies away, probably to eat or have sex with or whatever. Oh, I should say, when I said there's no action until 38 minutes in, at the 38 minute mark, a man gets his head pulled off. So I guess that's kind of fun. I mean, that's pretty good, isn't it? That's pretty good. But then nothing interesting happens for the rest of the movie.

And at the hour mark, Antonio Banderas is just like, these are just men. These are just men, by the way. These are just men and on board. And I can tell the audience is bored also. And then he pointedly looks at the camera. Wow. Powerful stuff. It is powerful. There is also a moment where they follow them back to the cave because they're like where could these men be from?

They're just regular men but they dress as bears. Where do bears live? They live in caves. Let's go to the caves. Then they're always stealing picnic baskets. Let's leave out a picnic basket. Let's leave out three bowls of porridge of varying degrees ofhmm and wait till they fall asleep and then we stab them That's right. Let's leave out comfy beds. We haven't invented comfy beds yet. So let's leave our rocks that we sleep on That's right. Yeah. Yeah, so it kind of goes a bit diehard Where the Vikings infiltrate their home base a cave just to stab a bunch of them sure and I think that's good I think that's a good tense sequence and there's a fun underwater escape Oh, you'd like that would you for people to come into your house and stab you to death?

Well, I'm not it seems like you're endorsing that I'm not out in the world seems like you're endorsing your own death by a stab I'm not in the world threatening people in a bear costume eating stuff. Yes, you are. I've done that I used to right but I'm an older man now. Sure. My knees can't hack it anymore. It's true. You've had your fill of picnic baskets. And the police took my bear costume. That's true they did. But there's also a sweet beheading in there because they find the leader of the tribe and they have a showdown and she's got a little poison spike, a bone, a bear claw probably and he's got a big sword. Dude, you should have wrapped that up way quicker than what you did. You shouldn't have let that woman poison you. What are you doing? It's like that time James Bond had to fight that weedy little guy in the exploding hotel

You remember that? Oh, yeah. Had to give him a club or whatever. An axe or a club. Something like that, you know? In the exploding hotel Yeah, what a sad finale. Wrap it up Bond, come on man. Well he did wrap it up eventually, gave him a can of oil to drink And wrapping it up isn't his standard procedure if you know what I mean Well, he did have that kid Hmm, but I think what the problem is this movie other than all the things that you've said that you hate Is that there's then a final battle at the very very end and it's just kind of like oh Okay, just ten minutes of just oh, there's a little battle and then a lot of No, they're leaving.

And we did it. We did it. We did it. And I think that's good. Good job everyone. Good work however many warriors are left. Yeah, I have no idea. See? Yeah. There's no way to know.

No. This is an Ocean's 13 situation, where it's a bunch of cool, big A-list stars and some character actors and some guys who've very much been cancelled now. Yeah, that's true. But you know all of them. Yeah, it's important. And you remember which ones have been cancelled.

It's just some guys. It's too many warriors. It should have been the seven warriors. Yeah. Or the six warriors. Or the famous five or the fantastic four. Or... Three blokes.

Three blokes, thank you. This episode is brought to you by Oracle 3, Murder at the Grandview. The latest installment of the hit Oracle series, Oracle 3, Murder at the Grandview is available now exclusively on Audible, featuring a chilling solo performance by Joshua Jackson. Joshua Jackson returns in a gripping solo narration that has become a fan favourite since Oracle 1. The suspense filled plot follows Agent Nate Russo as he investigates a deadly mystery in a haunting abandoned island hotel.

Start listening to Oracle 3 now, only on Audible. You didn't feel something when one of the main guys got poisoned and he went out in a big battle? I didn't feel anything. And then they lit a boat on fire and he went out in a big battle? I didn't feel anything. And then they lit a boat on fire and they went you're a warrior and then Antonio Banderas went I guess I'm going home which I can even though I did that thing at home but I'm a poet. Pretty good.

He puts his hat on. I know! His little hat. I'm aware. Yeah. Do you know what it's time for though? What's it time for? It's time for the 13th war trivia section of the show.

Here we go. This is the trivia section of the show where we go, wow, got enough trivia for me James? Do you? I do actually. Oh, Bert. We got three trivias. McTiernan has gone on record defending the film, stating that the finished product was not entirely different from what he'd shot, stating that he originally wanted to make

the film with Michael Keaton in mind for the lead role. He's swarthy, isn't he? Okay. Sure didn't mean Michael Crichton as the lead role? He said Michael Crichton for the lead role. Yes, you're correct. He wanted Michael Crichton. Because Michael Crichton, they clash in a bunch of stuff including the score and you

know the bit where he does fight the leader of the cave people. Leader of the pack, yes. Yeah, the woman or whatever. I think McTiernan wanted like a sexier lady and Crichton wanted like a, like a crone? A crone, sure, sure, sure. Like in the book and they've kind of, it's somewhere in the middle I guess. A sexy crone. Okay.

Yeah. Alright. I don't know if that's even accurate but it kind of becomes neither. Let's pass that on to the actor that played that role and say, hey, it's good to know you're somewhere in the middle of it between being a sexy lady and a crone. Hey, that's what they said. One of the Viking ships used in the movie is now in the Norwegian Pavilion in Epcot. Walt Disney World.

And it's a playground for kids. Probably washed all the fake blood out of it, I assume. Kick some heads around? Kick some heads around, yeah, and that's fun. That is fun. And look, I know we mentioned it, but people said this was bad, including Omar Sharif, of course he's the friend of Antonio Banderas in this,

and he was famously in Lawrence of Arabia. That's right. Incredible Egyptian actor, incredible body of work, didn't like this movie. Here's a quote. I agree with myself. I agree with everything he said.

I said to myself, let's stop this nonsense. These meal tickets that we do because it pays well I thought unless I find a stupendous film that I love and that makes me want to leave home to do I will stop bad pictures are very humiliating. I was really sick It was terrifying to have to do dialogue from bad scripts to face a director who does not know what he is doing Which I guess could be crying an enormous TNN? In a film so bad that it's not even worth exploring. That's a dig on us because we're exploring it.

Oh no! I don't agree with you Omar Sharif. Why aren't you backing me bro? I don't know man. Yeah well. I don't think you retired for that long honestly. I think you came back like three or four years later. Yeah he did come back but yeah this this benched him for a little bit

Yeah, right, but the box office for this on a budget It was initially it started at 85 million and it blew out to about a hundred with re-shoots and everything and it's rumored That it got to about 160 million dollars including promo This was one of the biggest bombs of all time because it made sixty one point seven million Went up against the six cents in the box office I don't I've no memory of this coming out and I was this was like the year I was like movies are incredible and movies will be incredible forever I just like the in 1999 it's not true it didn't happen but that but yeah I do remember this I'm

coming maybe I remember the poster with the sword in the water sword in the whatever I think that's a very memorable poster with a sword in the sword in the whatever I think that's a very memorable poster I'm sure it was probably in a comic book like back page of a comic book or something like that But I did not see this at the time. Yeah Well, thank God we're making up a lost time now, right? Even if Omar Sharif says that it's not even worth exploring. Come on, bro And he says and you're an idiot, but it says James. Okay, that's all right then

To get back to John McTiernan. Oh no. Now, you are aware- Are we gonna make a John McTier list of all the bad things he's done? It's not as bad as you think. It's not great, but it's not as bad as you think. Can we put the tier list up anyway and it's only got the one thing in it? Sure. We can put it on the John McTier list.

Well there's two things. Okay. Okay, so during the making of Rollerball, if you recall, what era was this? He did the 2002 remake. I think Chris Farley. No. Tucker. No. Penn. American Pie. Chris... damn. He's in Legend of Chun-Li. Yes. Klein. Chris Klein. Sure. It's got Chris Klein, Yes, Klein Chris Klein. She's got Chris Klein Jean Reno LL Cool J Rebecca Romaine. Oh, what a cast What a gas mason. Mm-hmm. During the making of that he was clashing with producer Charles Rovin I'm a movie producer and he was like I want to know what's going on what Charles Rovin's intentions are because he's saying things

To me, but I'm hearing other things. I know what I'll do. I'll hire famous Hollywood fixer Anthony Pelicano who did a stint in prison for a bunch of reasons but he was known for threatening, vandalizing, wiretapping, possessing homemade bombs and military grade C4 plastic explosives, racketeering, conspiracy, witness tampering, identity theft and destruction of evidence. Hmm, interesting. So he went to this man. One of Hollywood's most colourful characters.

It would seem. And he basically, for help, to try to figure out what's going on. I need you to kill Chris Klein. Or his career at least. Can you make that happen? I'll try. Easy. The FBI spoke to McTiernan about these dealings, including, did you speak to Pellicano about

wiretapping Robyn's phone? And he was like, I would never and I can't and I don't. But evidence came to light that they did have a conversation and he did wiretap his phone. Interesting. So that, along with then further evidence, that it also got him to wiretap his ex-wife in the process of This guy's freaking obsessed. divorce proceedings. This guy's freaking obsessed. So it came out that he was in trouble on two counts. One, lying to the FBI, which you can do, but you just got to get away with it just to clarify.

You just got to know what you're doing. Fun little Easter egg. We lied to the FBI at least once in each of these videos. See if you can spot it. And the second being that he was coached by his attorney along the process of figuring out what had gone on. Anyway, this went on for years and he ended up getting a 12 month sentence starting in April 2013, which he served 328 days for. He filed for bankruptcy in October of 2013, which again, this is crazy because he was one of the biggest directors. I had no idea about this. Yeah, it's wild, right? Which again, like this is crazy because he was one of the biggest directors like no

Yeah, it's wild right but that being said him coming out of it He did a lot of personal reflection and he was like I'm actually very critical of the prison system sure and you might be like Yeah, cuz you went to jail for wiretapping which you almost certainly did but no he was he basically said speaking to people in there and to The inmates and even though they didn't like it either. They didn't like it But even though it was a minimum security prison. He was like, oh this is nice Yeah, he was like this system is just it's just an extension of the Jim Crow era It's just been repackaged as the modern American prison industrial complex So, you know, I guess from that perspective. Yeah, that's a that's a good thing that he you know

Was able to see and I guess bring light to even though nobody apparently knows about this. But yeah. Wow. Well, given all that, I say C tier. Horrible. Pretty alright. Yeah, there are worse people doing worse stuff in Hollywood. Yeah, but it also wasn't that cool. No.

So like, you know. Yeah, it wasn't like one of the R-a-rack-a guys building a Submarine car that's correct now. That's s-tier that was s-tier. Yeah, that was cool and fun anyways That's everything Wow that's some of the Michael Crichton adaptations Maybe we'll come back to these at some point. I don't wanna now There's more to do my ones though not back to this again. I can't watch this again Your wording was unclear, and I just want to nail this down. We're not going to come back to these this again, because I can't watch this again. Your wording was unclear and I just want to nail this down. We're not going to come back to these movies again, correct? Ah, I mean, you know, it's not-

Come on, man! Look, I'll say this. If you do want to see these videos early, you can. You just got to head over to BigSandwich.co and you're not going to believe what we're doing over the next three weeks. What? We're taking a look at three different unique Superman properties in the lead up to the new movies.

Oh! Genre defining different iterations of the character. Superman 1, Superman 2, Superman 3. We already did all those movies, Mason. We could do them again according to your rules. You're the one who's scared and pooping your pants about doing stuff again. I never said we're doing stuff again. Stop pooping your pants.

I never said I was scared and pooping my pants. Stop pooping your pants and then lie to the FBI that you didn't poop your pants. Nah. There's a little Easter egg for you. No, I'll always lie to the FBI about that. Also, big sandwich.co, that's not the only thing that goes up there. We do video game let's plays. We of course looked at the Jurassic Park arcade game. Of course. My god. We bought the cabinet. Yep. $22,000 it cost us. Worth it. Yep. And then we rolled it into a ditch. Pretty cool Pretty good tricky because it doesn't have any actual wheels doesn't doesn't roll properly. Yeah more of a tumble

Oh, we also have bonus podcasts. We do movie commentaries We actually also have a podcast called the weekly planet where we talk movies and comics and TV shows That's on its own YouTube channel. It's on Spotify. It's on Apple if you do want to check it out It's a bit of fun, isn't it? It's so much we talk the movie and TV show news of the week and then whatever's out and whatever's going on. That's right, whatever crap's out at the cinema. Yeah, New Jurassic World, etc. and so forth.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Alright, thank you so much for watching everybody. Grab that gym you guys, we'll see you next week. And thanks to Ben and Lawrence for the edits. Thank you Ben and Lawrence. How are they doing it? Computers. They've got computers.

They've got computers. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I don't think they're cutting apart. They've got computers. Cutting apart film rails with that little Stanley knife or whatever. I doubt it. Yeah, doubt it.