The Weekly Planet - The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause - Caravan Of Garbage

Episode Date: December 15, 2020

Concluding a look into the horrifying The Santa Clause universe trilogy we're covering The Escape Clause, objectively the worst one. Absolutely horrendous implications surrounding childbirth, curses, time travel, death, it's a nightmare. But thanks for the support and for listening!SUBSCRIBE HERE ►► http://goo.gl/pQ39jNVideo Edition ► https://youtu.be/wChByqddMkoJames' Twitter ► http://twitter.com/mrsundaymoviesMaso's Twitter ► http://twitter.com/wikipediabrownPatreon ► https://patreon.com/mrsundaymoviesT-Shirts/Merch ► https://www.teepublic.com/stores/mr-sunday-moviesThe Weekly Planet iTunes ► https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-weekly-planet/id718158767?mt=2&ign-mpt=uo%3D4The Weekly Planet Direct Download ► https://play.acast.com/s/theweeklyplanetAmazon Affiliate Link ► https://amzn.to/2nc12P4 Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Visit heartandstroke.ca. This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbroadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. We're back to cap off our Santa Claus, the Santa Claus trilogy of films, aren't we? Horrible universe. Weird, vague, terrifying nightmare world. Love it. Love it.

Honestly, I love it. There should be more movies set in this world. I agree. Right? We'll talk about what maybe they should do with this at the end, but this by far the worst one i think so too for a lot of reasons one of the reasons i feel is that people haven't left this video alike that's definitely that's definitely number one yeah maybe it'll boost you know it'll boost the the christmas cheer of that movie i think this video should be about the worst movie but it should have the most amount of likes i agree

anything on youtube let's make it happen folks folks. I agree. If you could. It would be a Christmas miracle. It would be a Christmas miracle. One of the key elements of this that it's missing is Bernard. He's gone. He was off filming Number Three-ers. Was he for real? Yeah, he was.

That was the big era of Number Three-ers. So one of the previous elves gets promoted, which makes sense because also he's older and clearly bigger. And so I guess they were like, let's. I guess that's the way it goes. But at the same time, Curtis sucks comparatively. Remember that time in the last movie he nearly gave away the North Pole? And then he built that horrible nightmare that took over everything?

You say Curtis like everybody knows who he is. That's his name, Mason. There's going to be a picture of him in the video. He's your nemesis now. I love it. There's also a moment, it just might be on my version, at four minutes and 56 seconds, where his hair nearly glitches off his head.

So I'm like, what does that tell you about this guy? Anyway, he's bad. He's bad. He's totally terrible. He's also the one in this universe that tells the villain, Jack Frost, of how he can become Santa Claus and ruin Tim Allen's time. So easily tricked.

Idiot. The thing about this movie is that even though they are movies for kids, there is a certain cynicism, I think, to these characters. So you'd think he wouldn't be tricked as hard as he is. Especially Bernard. Bernard would be like, I'm not telling you, idiot. This isn't a movie for

children about Christmas. This is real life, baby. And then we'd all look at the screen. We'd all look at the audience being like, but this guy's like, of course i know the answer of course i know how to be fooled by you i'm a dumbass what an absolute moron you're right bernard would never have given that up i think the real bernard actually went to solve crime like real murders i think he's that kind of like i think he's that capable he's been steering the ship this entire time and all things just off the rails now mate it's out's out of control. If someone's so incompetent as Jack Frost can walk in,

I love Martin Short, by the way. I love everything about him. I think he's not threatening enough as a villain because he's kind of a buffoon. Yes. But the look and performance I like, the frosted tips. Are you kidding me? He gets a little musical number.

That's what every man in that era of the 2000s, that's the frosted tips of their dreams. Absolutely. But I feel like, and him and Tim Allen have worked together before on Jungle to Jungle. I think they've got a good chemistry. I think they bounce off each other really well. But I think one of the big downfalls of this movie

is that there is too much time spent in the North Pole. A lot of the time. Yeah. The fun is the contrast. The fun is the contrast. You get to go to the real world and he's like, it's Santa and he's nice in the real world. And everyone's like, Santa's not real. Get the fuck out of my face.

There's not really any of that. We've got crimes to solve here. Everybody's been murdered in the shopping mall. But I think when you really kind of lock into this one place, the cracks really start to appear. Like even the fact that in his room he's got a giant fireplace, which is his face with a gaping mouth. I've written fiery Santa mouth hell hole. And he emerges from it sometimes.

What is that? It's like he's giving birth to himself from hell. I don't like it. Do you think that's the thing, the green void that he shouts into which controls the universe that we talked about last week or whatever? I think this is merely an avatar of the horrible green chasm, yes.

If you haven't watched last week's episode, that won't make sense, but you can go back. And then it still doesn't make sense. What I do like about this movie though is it does offer a what if for what would happen if he never became Santa Claus. It's a wonderful life kind of situation, right?

That's exactly what they were going for. I feel like it also very much lends to our theory that it's a curse that fundamentally alters your personality at like a molecular level because Scott Calvin, if he never became Santa Claus, he just kept doing bad stuff. Everybody hates him. He doesn't grow as a person. I mean, you could say that maybe he learned

a lesson when he killed Santa or whatever. But I don't think it's that at all. I think it changes people and the people around you. Well, it's interesting because when the elf is easily tricked and tells Jack Frost how to make Scott Calvin not Santa Claus

anymore. I love how we know his name now by the end. We know this guy. He's our best friend. And he's the only, he's my Santa Claus, I tell you that much. But when he is, he's then sort of shunted back into a reality where it is still the present day, but he was never Santa Claus and everybody's life is worse off. He is still in Santa Claus mode.

He hasn't sort of regressed back to his sort of toy executive mode. He's like, oh, but I want everybody to be happy. I love Christmas. Rampant capitalism isn't what Christmas is about. All these people spending. Why are we working on Christmas Eve? I think, though, if he had stayed in the real world long enough, that would have worn off.

I think the magic would have faded. Oh, I see, right. And he would have just been like, you know what? I love being a bad dad. I actually love it. It's great. This is way better than being Santa. I get to drive this cool Ferrari. Exactly.

So what I think, though, there's a real missed opportunity because this alternate timeline thing, it's only like 20 minutes and it comes very much in the back end of the movie. They could have done this whole kind of twisted Ebenezer Scrooge situation where it is a what if, where it is a Shrek goes forth, where what if Shrek never had kids or whatever. Yeah, there's an awful lot of time establishing this this this time travel twist that is going to happen and very little of actually it actually happening you're right it probably would have worked better

if maybe he just woke up and he wasn't santa claus anymore like straight away and then we could work out the work backwards from there exactly and also i love how you know it's a bad timeline for one because his wife hates him which is is the same as the first one. It's like, yeah, she hates him. Of course she would. And also, his son, you know he's a bad dude because he's got that beanie on. He's spray painting beanie. And also, he's going out on Christmas Eve,

despite him being 20 years old at this point in time. Right, exactly, yes. But he's a bad kid because he's going out on Christmas Eve. He should be tucked up in his little time. Right, exactly, yes. But he's a bad kid because he's going out on Christmas Eve. He should be tucked up in his little bed. Exactly. But I think the idea that most of this movie is dedicated to something that I want to get really stuck right into. Okay.

But the in-laws come up to the North Pole and they have to pretend that it's Canada. And it's just like, it's not... Alan Arkin and Anne Margaret, yeah. Great, like great. But not very interesting or fun. I wonder if Canadians see this movie the way that Australians see that episode of The Simpsons where they go to Australia. Like it's just weird stereotypes and people going, eh?

No, they're very friendly, aren't they? They're like, this is a bit of fun, eh? Now we're making fun of them. Eh? Yeah, with their dumb. Mounties? Hopscotch. And playing hopscotch all the time can't stop yeah but what i also think is it's unfair that the in-laws get there and he's clearly working all the way up to christmas and they as far as they know they think he runs a toy factory which is obviously even if he wasn't santa which he clearly

is like you they're just on his back like, you should spend more time with your family. It's like, as far as you know, he runs a toy factory. At Christmas. This is the busiest time of the year. Yeah. But I know he's also got other priorities, but hey, it's weird. But this is what I really want to talk about.

Here we go. I can't wait to hear about this. So a big part of this movie is focused on Mrs. Claus and the horror that has become her life, right? So what's happened, if you don't recall, she was a very successful school principal. She was harsh but fair. And then she was stolen by Tim Allen, taken to the North Pole.

Not real Tim Allen, Scott Calvin. And she was transformed into Mrs. Claus. That transformation is also, I guess, worn off by the time this movie rolls around because she's not aged up or bigger, which is an odd choice. But maybe they take that away if you're going to give birth. And they probably also take it away if some marketing executive

in the film production company is like, we can't have a larger lady starring in a movie. We can do Fatsy Allen, but no. It's not funny, is it? It's not funny. So what she ends up doing, she becomes this kind of ineffectual figurehead in this nightmare dimension where she's just pottering around picking out christmas trees in the most christmassy place in the world

you've got elves for that you don't need to be doing this stuff it's a weird it's a weird thing that part of this curse is that you have to have a wife but then she can't really do anything exactly all she can do is bear you a child but then that child doesn't become santa claus right or kills you and does maybe that's it but she's up there and it was her idea to be like i can i teach at the school and she's doing this like this bullshit elf class like this means anything anyway many of those elves are probably hundreds of years old exactly yeah like we know lady and on top of that and this is the horrifying part for me, the movie opens where she gets funneled into a tiny elf delivery room because she's very pregnant.

She's like two weeks over, right? And the thing is, they are not equipped to handle a human baby. I've been in that situation before twice. You want the best of the best in there. You don't want fucking elves running around with their magic little shoes doing little dancing and their little hammers and whatever they're up to you know what you don't want the baby hammered out of your wife absolutely not there is nothing because you're bloody hammered into your wife let me tell you but there is no 2006 medical equipment in that room

then maybe got some like tiny bowls and some like towels that you could like that you can set up with but that's not going to cut it. Because what if the baby is breech, right? What if the baby has its umbilical cord wrapped around its neck? What if you need to perform an episiotomy? Google that. I'm not going to get into it. But these are all very complicated and dangerous medical procedures

that should not be done by elves. They're not even the right size. You need physical strength associated with being in this situation if you're a child and you've got child strength this is not right she shouldn't be there they should have taken her back to real world 2006 the parents are right there's a fucking hole in the roof and it's also not a sit i'm sorry i'm just going up but it's not a situation where the room cannot be fixed. She's already two weeks over.

So where they're like, oh, we better fix this room up. It's done. Like it's over. This is where it's happening. And the other thing is it's so small. Like it's smaller than the podcast room that we record in. It's the size of a shoebox. It's the size of a shoebox, but he has a room dedicated to snow globes.

Like you don't want to use any of the other... This is it? This is really what you're doing? The workshop is really big. What you could do is stop making weird tin soldiers and little robots and little race cars that nobody ever buys or plays with ever. Just move that aside and make that into a delivery room. Exactly.

James, would you have felt better if perhaps there was a larger mythical creature in there to help out the delivery, like an ogre, perhaps? Like that horrifying Easter Bunny? Yes. I mean, he's human size, but he's terrifying. He doesn't know what he's doing. I don't think he has thumbs either. It's probably the tooth fairy.

He's yanking tooths out of people. He's yanking. He can yank a baby, yeah. But if she needs an emergency caesarean, who's doing that? The ogre. I guess the ogre's doing it. The ogre has claws. Claws like tiny daggers.

And you know what I think is actually really secretly horrifying about this movie? Go on. Is that there's a moment where, like, Tim Allen breaks and he's had enough because Martin Short's running amok with his frosted tips. He's causing all sorts of trouble. And she's like, maybe I shouldn't have come here. Correct.

That's right. You shouldn't have come here. And I think that's the real her just poking through the sheen of magic that's going on. She's a completely different person. Where's her agency? In a superhero movie, this is where somebody would scream,

remember who you are! And then she'd be like, oh, I'm escaping! And then she would tear off all of Mrs. Claw's skin and she'd have regular skin underneath. She'd have regular skin, yeah. Again, it's that situation

where it's altered her personality to her core. It's not the same person. And the other thing is, I don't like in this universe that Santa is having a baby, like you mentioned. Is it a regular baby? Is it a magic baby?

Is it the Antichrist? Is it the Antichrist? I don't think a human baby should grow up in the North Pole. Yeah. They already did that movie. It was called Elf. Remember that? Oh, yeah, that's right.

I mean, the kids are even called Buddy. Apparently, that's not a coincidence. But that's not... If you want a regular kid, this is not where they should grow up. But if you want the culmination of some sort of horrific Cthulhu prophecy, maybe this is what you do. I guess it is.

I just think this is horrifying. It's genuinely horrifying. Awful. That girl who gives Martin Short a hug. Oh, yes. Just to change direction. Is she magic? Good question because, again, the culmination,

the final scene of this movie is that Judge Reinhold and Judge Reinhold's wife have been frozen by Jack Frost and he cannot unfreeze them because they can only be unfrozen if he himself is unfrozen. But then their daughter is like, I'm going hug warm you up with a big magic hug i don't i don't think i think she's just regular but i think it would have been a more i was kind of hoping to be a scene where he's like you can't there's nothing you can say that'll that'll make me unfreeze or whatever and then then her and tim allen beat him up. Like they just waterboard him until he changes his back.

That would totally work. That would absolutely work. Also, when he defrosts, as it were, he looks way worse. I agree. That flat hair, get out of here, mate. No, no, no. You look terrible. Yeah, he should have kept the frosted tips, I think.

I mean, at least keep the shape. You can make it brown, but keep the shape. Yeah. Agreed. Apparently also David Krumholtz was originally going to reprise his role as Bernard. Yes. So in a cameo appearance at the end of the movie, he would have come in and there would have been like a big group hug. So he's like, Krumholz is here, so I'll just wipe the blood off my hands for my latest numbers murder.

Right. But now I'm here. How did they solve crime with numbers in that? Because it's like he couldn't have fallen off the building because math says that if he fell from this angle then maybe he should have fallen from a different angle he was thrown and they're like good work in numbers is that what that show was you say you don't know but you're just reading from the script of the pilot episode so i got some uh fun little additions that i want to talk about at the end and you may have some too i don't he doesn't everybody but i'll contemplate yours there's a uh there's a scrolling

ticker sign in the movie apparently that reads 378 years without an accident what about dead santa what about dead santa maybe they just mean maybe it's a loophole and they're like yeah but not not outside outside the facility doesn't count yeah right okay we've had so many dead sanders outside well there's a lot of snow globes in that room with all the memories of Santa. Yeah, I wonder if anyone, I tried to look it up to see if anyone had an accurate read on how many Santas there'd been, but it didn't. Someone will tell us below.

Yeah, okay. Give us a bloody comment. Let us bloody know. Please. Also, special shout out to Cameron Monaghan, friend of the show. He's, of course, in... Gotham.

He's in Gotham. He's bloody, he's Cal Kestis, mate. That's right. He's doing all sorts of stuff. Fallen Order. He's an elf cop in this. He's one of the, in... Gotham. He's in Gotham. He's bloody... He's Cal Kestis, mate. That's right. He's doing all sorts of stuff. Fallen Order. He's an elf cop in this. He's one of the guys that arrests Martin Short. Oh.

Didn't get to reprise his role as elf cop in Bright, unfortunately. It's a shame. But, hey, that's okay. Fun little appearance. I've just written here, Red Bull is Red Deer. Yep, sure is. Good joke. Yes.

Anyway, do you want another one of these? Tim Allen notoriously hates making them because of the prosthetics. Oh, I thought you meant that. See, I thought that was a threat to me. I thought you were like, no, there's secretly a director video, fourth one, and we're going to watch it. And I'm like, no, I don't want to. You're saying to me and to the viewers, would we like to see another Santa Claus movie? Do you want to see like a Force Awakens situation where the previous

Santa is skewered by his son on a gantry and then is replaced by, I don't know, who's the modern day Tim Allen? Someone from

How I Met Your Mother, I guess. Could be. Yeah, Jason Segel maybe. That's not a bad choice. What do you reckon? You know what? I would like to see

more stuff set in this universe but I don't think any of the other legendary figures have enough to pull off a whole movie no i mean they did that guardians of whatever and isn't it all like it's jack frost and santa and the easter bunny and they're superheroes maybe i never saw it apparently it's all right okay then yeah look i look i think tim allen would would come back to

this i mean what else is he doing he's show showing, like, I've got too many daughters. It was recently, like, finished. I did not know he had a lot of sisters. You know the moment where he's like, I've got all daughters, but I'm a man. But I've got daughters. What am I supposed to do in this situation? Like, I'm a man. I love cars. And yet I have too many daughters.

I understand. I think it's called too many daughters. Wow. Yeah. So, you know, I'm just saying. He'd probably get a good back-end deal on this. He should do it. And he's one of the few people who have broken through that Disney clause

that if you're an ex-con, then you can't appear in a Disney movie. That's right. His contract says that he has to keep committing crimes or they won't let him be in any more Disney movies. So there you go. All in all, these are... Mixed bag. Mixed bag.

A mixed sack, if you will. Yeah, very good. But, you know, I'm open to these returning, I guess. Yep. Yeah. Not the worst thing we've done on this series, I'll be honest with you. What is the worst thing we've done? I have to think about that.

Yeah, right? Yeah. Somebody to choose from. Ben, put up the worst thing we've done. Thanks. That's what the editors are for. That's why we pay them, you know what I mean? The big bucks.

Anyways, of course, this is Caravan of Garbage. We do this every week. If you want to see episodes early, you can go to bigsandwich.co. Also, here's a hint towards next week. It's that Wonder Woman pilot, Mason. Wow. I know. Remember, we already recorded it.

We already recorded it. That's probably one of the worst things we've done, actually. Yeah, it's very bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not entirely their fault, though, I guess. No. Also, at bigsandwich.co, we've got audio commentaries for all of your favourite movies, every one of them. That's right.

We've got a bonus podcast where we talk about clickbait articles that are crap. We've got our regular podcast, but it's an ad-free feed. Check it out if you want. And Merry Christmas. Stay safe. Merry Christmas. Stay safe. Stay safe.

Oh. Oh. I've got too many daughters, though. He's got too many daughters, mate. What's that show called? Let me check. Last Man Standing. There you go.

That's not dissimilar though, right? He's got too many daughters. Goodbye. He's a man. What's he doing with too many daughters? That's crazy. He wanted four boys. A man cannot raise a daughter.

This podcast is part of the planet broadcasting network visit planetbroadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates i mean if you want it's up to you fx is the veil explores the surprising and fraught relationship between two women who play a deadly game of truth and lies on the road from Istanbul to Paris and London. One woman has a secret, the other a mission to reveal it before thousands of lives are lost. FX's The Veil, starring Elizabeth Moss,

is now streaming on Disney+.