The Weekly Planet - The Worst Justice League Film - Caravan Of Garbage

Episode Date: September 29, 2016

Welcome to episode three of Caravan of Garbage, the show where we delve into the past to uncover some of the hidden forgotten gems. A comic! A movie! A game! Who knows? Not even us. This week, 1997's Justice League Of America CBS pilot. It's awful. Flat out.Video Edition ► https://goo.gl/U0MgkHBuy the Best/Worst Justice League on Amazon: https://amzn.to/2oWDZICPatreon: https://www.patreon.com/mrsundaymoviesMr Sunday Movies YouTube Channel: https://goo.gl/lB90W2The Weekly Planet YouTube Channel: https://goo.gl/1ZQFGHFind our T-Shirts here: https://goo.gl/q6gE9C Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Visit heartandstroke.ca. This series of Caravan of Garbage is brought to you by Loot Crate, the monthly geek and subscriber box where you get a bunch of stuff. How much do you want? Probably $6.08, that's what's in it. Mason, I'm going to recommend a special one for you. Is it Loot Crate Amphetamines? Because that seems what you're on right now. Loot Crate, you know they do a variety of them, but they have ones called Partner Crates where they partner with certain brands and properties or whatever, and you get something very specific. properties or whatever and you get something very specific uh there's the halo legendary crate where you can join the spartan fire team apollo with the legendary halo crate it's me master chef from from hello uh so you get five to seven exclusive collectibles from the biggest moments

in the halo universe the halo of us as i call it just open it up and you're just flooded with a weird weird bug race yeah that's right so if you visit lootcrate.com weekly planet you can get three dollars off that or any other subscription just pick one pick them all you can start with one maybe you could then get a different one or just have one it's up whatever i don't know let's get back to it let's get on with it. Welcome to the Weekly Planet's Caravan of Garbage, the show where we discuss a comic or a book or a movie or something like that that might not be so great, but maybe it's really great, but it's not generally today today mason yes we're talking justice league of america 1997 cbs tally movie oh my goodness now i've heard great things have

you ever seen it no let me just say up top i've imagined it a lot yeah well look maybe keep it that way because this is probably one of the worst things great normally i'm like oh there's some redeeming qualities you know in in whatever but this is like so bad it makes you question why anybody kind of makes anything and what's the point does it say do you watch it you're like did they do this for some complicated legal reason like for copyright or did they lose a dare they had to they were like well i could streak naked across this football field or i could make the justice league 1997 tv pilot it's incredibly ill-informed for so many reasons and partly because they just get the characters wrong from the get-go so if you don't mind just to kick this off kick this off i'm going to give you a team member rundown love it a bio

here we go who's what where's where and if one of them is played by a really inappropriate actor, please let me know. Not a problem. Now, let me just say straight up, there's no Superman. There's no Batman. Why would there be the best, two best characters? And sure, other characters have their merits. Everybody's character is somebody's favorite character.

But you know what? Shut up. Let me give you one that definitely doesn't have any merit, in this show at least. I'm a bit of a fan of this character, but it doesn't work in here at all. Guy Gardner's Green Lantern. Good pick.

That's the version they went with. Now, he doesn't have red hair. He doesn't have a bowl cut. He just looks like regular, like a Hal Jordan-ish Green Lantern. The other thing is he's a software salesman. You know, that makes sense, sure. Does it? No, not at all.

But that was in 1997. That was like being a spy. That's true. Or an internet man. An internet man, exactly. A Johnny Mnemonic. Yes. Yeah, yeah.

So basically, like most of these- Jazz drives out the wazoo, you know what I mean? He has definitively one of the shittiest costumes I've ever seen. It's like this faux leather, sleeveless flight jacket. And it's a horrible green colour. And it's just over a black spandex. And he's got white leather gauntlet gloves. It's just horrendous.

How's that Green Lantern green lantern ring though you know what the green latin effects aren't the worst for television but here's the thing his uniform i'm sorry if you work in television by the way in 1997 yeah but the thing is it just goes to show like how far we've come oh i'm looking at this right now it does not look good yeah Yeah. But here's the thing. Green Lantern's costume, where does it come from? His ring. It's a construct, right? Yeah. From his mind and the ring manifests it.

It's just a costume. You see him stuffing it into a backpack at one point. Right. I don't understand it at all. So his character arc is his girlfriend hates him. Yep. Can't really argue with that. Okay.

So we've got Ray Palmer as the Atom. Now, he's a high school science teacher. Good start. He's kind of okay. He's a nerd. He's just a standard nerd. There's nothing really appealing about him. Everybody on this team does seem kind of like a nerd.

Sure. He also has one of the shittiest costumes I've ever seen. It's like a red leather gridiron outfit, just like the top bit. He's got some high pants, red leggings. That's right. And again, it's just kind of over like a blue spandex. You know what I mean? This is what it all seems to be.

It's like a terrible leather costume over a really ill-fitting spandex. We've got Fire, who's a struggling actress. She's got a storyline where she can't get a job as an actress. She dresses up as a banana for a commercial. Probably because she's setting things on fire all the time. That could be it, potentially, sure. Her costume is terrible, but it's not as terrible because it's pretty much just the spandex.

There's no weird leather on it. It's not good, but comparatively it's better. Her subplot is David david krumholz is following her around like a weird creep and hitting on her at the actor david krumholz yes correct yeah no uh so and he's like 15 years younger than was this post 10 things i had about you or before i think it was before okay great so i think he's 20 and she's like 30 35 uh we got ice yep you know fire we couldn't have Fire without Ice. Correct. She's the newest member of the team.

She works at like a science laboratory for weather. Ugh. Nerds, nerds, nerds. Also one of the shittiest costumes I've ever seen. Also, she has Guy Gardner's bowl cut. So I guess they couldn't give her both bowl cuts. So that's how that goes. You know what they say?

They broke the bowl after they made your haircut. We've got Barry Allen as The Flash. or barry allen's the flash sure uh job status unemployed he's what yeah he's that's the one guy whose job i know he's a forensic scientist but he is also the definitively worst character in this on every level. Like he's just unpleasant. He's dumb. He's obnoxious. He's just a terrible bloke. And he's got a running joke about,

I'm just an idiot who can't keep a job because I'm such an idiot. And that's his kind of thing. He's M.O. He's Mo. He's Mo, yeah. And the last member who I'll get to in a bit, maybe I'll keep it secret till later, but let me tell you, it's a my, yeah. And the last member who I'll get to in a bit, maybe I'll keep it secret till later, but let me tell you,

it's a justice league classic. Love the actor. I'm just, let's, let's get to it later. Sure. Sure. Okay.

So one of the weirdest things about this is they all live together in the same apartment, except for ice. Who's not a member of the team. Not in a, not in a, like a secret, like a moon base.

They have a underwater base, but they live in just like a suburban apartment. They're all like 30 to 35, and they just kind of mill about together. It's kind of like... Friends. It's kind of like Friends, but it's also shot documentary style,

so we're following this story as it unfolds, and then it will cut to Barry Allen being interviewed, and he's like, I'm just a dude who loves football and bowling and hanging out and being cool or whatever. I had no idea this was part of that. What? Really? It's like, I'm just a dude who loves football and bowling and hanging out and being cool or whatever. I had no idea this was part of that. What? Really?

It's like The Office. It's like The Office. It's like The Office. Wow. It's just as funny in no way. So look, it's a bold kind of storytelling device. It does not work on any level. Great.

It just falls flat every time. So the villain is the Weather Wizard. Sure. Who they've kind of turned into quite the formidable formidable foe in the flash yes but he's it's not that at all because i was gonna say like the flash could take this guy by himself yes and he's supposed to be fighting against this whole team exactly of idiots yeah together that's right so every now and then like during the i guess it's a movie yeah i guess technically it is was it intended to be like a yeah it's a pilot it's a pilot exactly this actually never aired in the u.s good but uh so every now and then weather wizard will appear on this poorly composited tv screen that's kind of left of center in the middle of this building in the middle of the city.

They're in new Metro. Not even a real, it's not even a real fake DC city. Exactly. And he'll just be like, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to turn the weather and everybody's going to bow. And he's always like,

give me $20 million. So he'll send like a hurricane. And then the flash does a thing where he runs around and it goes away. And then he sends a hail storm and fire like melts it. So he's send like a hurricane And then the Flash does a thing where he runs around And it goes away And then he sends a hailstorm and fire like melts it So he's not really They're just kind of like What is this? Who is it?

Like it's not really a threat Nobody in the city seems bothered by it They seem like They seem like the superhero equivalent of Garbage Men That's right Alright God It's okay It's hailstorms

Okay use your fire It's fine I'm looking at the back of the DVD cover And it does say, never before seen CBS TV pilot, exclamation point. Yeah, sell it on that. Like, that's a good thing, right? Yeah, yeah.

So, the weatherman is clearly Ice's boss, who works at the Weather Science Institute. Uh-huh. Like, very clearly. They try to be like, well, maybe it's this guy or whatever, but it's clearly just the boss. Uh-huh. Right?

What she does, she discovers his weather-manipulating briefcase behind the cabinet. That sounds very convenient. Yeah, but she opens it and then spills water on it and then she gets ice powers that she can't control. But it's the kind of thing where she'll touch something and then she'll leave and then it will freeze. Huh.

If that makes sense. So it's a lot of her like, I don't know what to do. I wish I could help but I'm not good it sounds a little bit like the singing frog yes

that only sings when he's alone exactly so she's walking home from work and a guy who's rollerblading on grass falls past her

and goes into the lake and he's like oh I remember rollerblading and grass two things from 1997 oh great he goes into the lake he's like help me I can't swim or whatever so she 1997. Ah, great. He goes into the lake. He's like, I can't swim or whatever.

So she steps in to help him and accidentally freezes the lake. And he's like, what happened? I'm trapped in a lake, a frozen lake, and I'm dead. That's right. Great. So the Justice League see this. And they're like, finally, something worthy of our talents. Rescuing a rollerblader from a lake.

And what they do, they go to a house in the middle of the night and they kidnap ice because they think she's the weather wizard but what they do they just put one of those surgical gas masks on her huh like the flash doesn't flash doesn't like grab her and like whiz her to the secret whatever they have like i guess they have just of surgical masks they use for kidnapping it's not even like a rag a kidnapping mask sure yeah yeah yeah so but they have to let her go because that's illegal that's illegal obviously so she's like was it a dream what was it i don't even know so then she goes to the top of her building at work and she sees her boss and he's got this he's got one he's got a giant 90s industrial grave

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a belt pointing to him when he's making demands as the weather wizard that sounds like a recipe for falling off a building if you ask me but he doesn't have a mask on because he appears with like sunglasses and like a like a balaclava and a bandana but what this tv does or he must have a program that not only manipulates his voice but puts in a real-time bandana over his head. Huh. It's very bizarre. You know what he could have done?

He could have sold that for $20 million. Absolutely, he could have. It's like when you see a bad guy in a movie, like in the late 90s, and they're using what something looks clearly like an iPad before it's time. You're like, just sell that. Exactly. Make a mint. But look, I know I shouldn't be too hard on these special effects because-

Nah, do it. It's TV, and it's from the 90s. All right. But it's okay. Some of the worst stuff is like the compositing shots of when Ray Palmer shrinks. It's clearly like a man on a green screen and they just kind of slap him on top of wherever he needs to be. There's a bit where he runs into a drain and saves a cat. There's a bit where he's inside a TV.

He's trying to fix their home TV because they want to watch Touched by an Angel. runs into a drain and saves a cat. There's a bit where he's inside a TV. He's trying to fix their home TV because they want to watch Touched by an Angel. That's a line in this. Is that a good cross promotion? I checked it. That's a CBS show. Nice, great. That took me back.

I'm like, wow, Touched by an Angel. I haven't done that in a while. But the worst one is easily when they infiltrate the science museum party for the science expo or whatever he he's looking for information and he comes to an open door but it's got lasers across it so he shrinks so he can i mean it should they could have just locked the door but they just put lace they're not like lasers that burn you it's just an alarm oh yeah so he shrinks and then he there's like 30 seconds where he just limbo's under the bottom one just back and forth if maybe it's not 30 seconds where he just limbo's under the bottom one, just back and forth.

Maybe it's not 30 seconds, but it feels really long. And that's the thing. Like every joke in this falls flat. There is not a half decent one among the many, many jokes that unfold. Can you remember I said there was a recurring joke about the Flash, he can't get a job? Oh, yeah, sure, yeah. Like he gets a job as a mailman and he gets fired because he's he delivers all the mail and they're like well we can't have

that so they fire him that's satire yeah i guess it is because in the 90s people were really mad at the postal service they certainly were so it's quite slow when you think about it and at this kind of science convention that they've infiltrated he hits the waiter up for a job he's like hey we're gonna can i maybe he's in his costume at the time no he's just like a sport jacket and a t-shirt or whatever you're wearing the night is and the waiter's like you aren't you a scientist because this is a science convention do you work here right and he's like oh no i'm a scientist from a different from a different uh building i'm and he says i'm an archaeologist that's that's the line he comes up

with i'm against this universe barry allen's a man of science i know yeah they i know like what why do that twist i don't understand it makes me angry mason and it makes you angry in turn yeah so meanwhile david krumholz is uh he's just following fire around and he like he can't take the hint she's like seriously can you just fuck off and he's like no here's some earrings i bought from paris once for a very special lady and that's you or whatever and she's like okay thanks whatever so she puts them on that comes back into play later what they do they take then they grab ice and they're like listen you seem like like a cool 90s chick we're gonna take you to our underwater base and we're going to introduce you to our leader. Willingly this time. Willingly this time.

We're going to introduce you to our leader, Martian Manhunter. Oh, twist. Played by the great David Ogden Steers, who I'm a big fan of. You know, I bloody love MASH. MASH. And I bloody love David Ogden Steers. It's not the worst costume in the show. All right, sure.

His head looks, it's like a wide version of the mask. Yeah, okay, uh-huh. But here's the thing, like. Does he look great in his classic underwater lair? You know, the Martian manhood is always, his trademark underwater lair. That's right. The perfect character for an underwater lair, I think. So, but critics said that they felt that Steer's weight affected his portrayal of the character.

And at first I'm like, oh, he doesn't, no, he looks all right. But then he turns side on and you're like, oh, dear. Look, man, I'm a big David Ogden Steers fan. You know that. It hurts me to say that. I'm a bloody oggo, mate, from way back. Yeah. It's not the worst costume.

Also, he doesn't do anything. Sure. I'll get to that. Okay, great. So Ice, they're trying to teach Ice how to use her power. And she's like, I can't. I wish I could, but I can't. I'm terrible at this.

I wish I was a hero, but I can't. Or whatever. Krumholz is still bloody at it. I think she's going to learn a valuable lesson by the end. Maybe she will, Mason. Yep. So Krumholz then sees the Justice League on TV and he recognizes his earrings on fire. So he goes to her and he's like, you're clearly fire because she doesn't wear a mask.

And also you look exactly like her. Yep. Not to mention you sound the same. And she's like, well, I tell you look exactly like her yep uh-huh not to mention you sound the same and she's like well i tell you what that's definitely not the case and he's like well listen the only way that you could prove that you're not is if fire walks through the door and then martian manhunter shape shifts this is the one thing he does and he walks in and he's like did somebody say fire and she's like oh that's right because i'm friends with fire and i lent her the earrings that you gave me and he's like well that's that's right, because I'm friends with fire and I lent her the earrings that you gave me.

And he's like, well, that's good enough for me, I guess. Yeah. So really convoluted. Imagine if the characters on Friends had shapeshifting powers. I know, right? How amazing would that have been? What if Ross could be Joey? Yeah.

We were on a break, but then Joey transformed into Gunther. I don't know. So Weather Wizard mounts a final attack on the city. He starts by firing a laser into the Justice League. That's not weather-based. I don't know what to tell you. Also, you never see where it comes from. It just kind of comes from the sky.

Probably a cloud. Probably a cloud. Okay, I'll give him this one because it came from a cloud. So the building's heating up, and so Green Lan green lantern's like we're gonna get out of here so what he does he physically grabs a what's it called a bloody crowbar and he goes to crowbar the door like he doesn't make one uh-huh or use like a big kind of i don't know like a jack or something to open the door nothing wow he grabs an actual crowbar and tries to pry the door open they get out because they did a thing that the TV guy taught them earlier

about using gum and electricity or something. Oh, yeah. It's not important. So far they haven't used a lot of their superhuman superpowers. Well, you're about to see some, Mason. Green Lantern. And look, if you're listening to the audio version of this, I recommend you go and watch the video on my YouTube channel

because Green Lantern flies to meet the Weather Wizard. And what he does, he's just got like a green stick the the video one on my youtube channel because green lantern flies to meet the weather wizard and what he does he's just got like a green stick and it's got like rotor blades on the top so he looks like mary poppins he's not he doesn't cover himself in like a green bubble or even just make himself make a green jet plane no huh weird mary poppins umbrella so he flies down he's like weather wizard i've got you bloody give it up give me the briefcase and the weather wizard's like what about this and he throws the

and he throws the briefcase just kind of down a a cliff oh yeah and Green Lantern's like so Green Lantern could make a big green hand and grab it maybe

and it's not like into a waterfall or into a volcano it's just kind of down a bit or into a big yellow box that's right that Green Lantern couldn't affect

exactly so Green Lantern's like he calls the term and he's like nah we're fucked. Like, I can't do anything. Look, all I had was this Mary Poppins thing. That's right,

because there's this giant tidal wave coming towards the city. Flash is trying to gather up all the kids. He's trying to be useful and whatever, but they can't stop the tidal wave. Do not trust the Flash with human life. So what Ice does, she's like, this is my moment. I can do this.

So she goes out and she... That's my girl voice, by the way. She freezes the... That's his real voice. That's not her real voice. She freezes the wave. And then they're like, you bloody... You did it.

You're a member of the team. That's it, basically. Here's the costume. That is never going to unfreeze, so don't even worry about it. We'll just leave it. It's fine. So this is how it ends up. She gets a horrible costume.

Nice. Green Lantern catches up with his old girlfriend, and she's like, I still hate you or whatever, because you're a bad bloke. Yep. Flash gets a job at the youth center, because I guess he's pretty good with kids. Because he didn't kill

All those kids Or save them It's alright Fire Doesn't end up Dating Krumholtz But then she's like Well I'm off to meet

Krumholtz Because he wants me To introduce He wants me to meet His 16 year old Cheerleader girlfriend I'm like Why is that happening

Now I see why This got cancelled The Adam Continues being a lonely nerd. He's pining after ice the whole time. It doesn't really unfold. And Martian Manhunter appears in a hologram and does nothing. He gets stuck in a doorframe. Also, there's a bit where...

Because he's real fat. Also, there's a bit where he's morphed into the boss, the evil weather wizard boss. Yep. But it never plays out. You don't know how long he was the boss for, like which scenes is the actual weather wizard and which scenes is Martian Manhunter.

Also, they didn't know that he was the weather wizard. So why was he doing it? It's never explained. Well, it would have been explained in every remaining episode. The rest of the episodes would have just been a long explanation of the first one. So I've looked it up. Is the weather wizard, is it Miguel Ferrer?

Is it that guy? I believe so, yeah. It's Bob Morton from Robocop. Yeah, correct. That's exactly who it is. Oh, that guy's great. He is, he is. And look, he's not terrible.

But I'll tell you this, Mason. What are you working with, you know? Nobody at the time knew how to work with superhero stuff and great green screen. No, certainly not. Green Mary Poppins umbrellas, you know what I mean? They did the best they could with what they had. The thing is, I know it's TV and I know they never greenlit it,

but it's just bad. Green lantern, dude. It's bad and boring and stupid. Like, no one throws a punch. It sets up a whole lot of future events that I'm just glad never unfolded. And you know what? Green lantern suit looks kind of blue now that I think about it. It's kind of a weird acquiesce.

It should be green. In summary. Yes. I know we're normally like You know we did Steel or whatever And we're like yeah maybe Some of these are like Give it a look You don't

You don't need You don't need this in your life Maybe watch the trailer Or maybe watch the video Maybe watch the video That you literally may be watching now It's well over an hour as well It's maybe an hour and twenty

That's Like there's some length to it Mason And you feel every second of it This is the worst incarnation Of the Justice League ever made. Until Justice League 2017. There is no way anything will be made that is as bad as this ever again. Wow.

It's not possible. It's kind of great, though. Yeah, no, absolutely. Not even, like, even fan films are better now. Oh, yeah, definitely. Definitely. Anyway, I've been Mr. Sunday Movies. I've been Nick Mason.

It's my real name. You can find him at Twitter also. I'm at Wikipedia Brown on the Twitters. And I'm at what I said on Twitter. Yeah, nice. Thanks for listening, guys. See you guys. Grab that jam.

We'll see you again. I was going to say next week, but whenever we end up releasing these. However this is working. At the next one. See you on the podcast. I'll see you in the street. It'll be fine. Say okay bye fx is the veil explores the surprising and fraught relationship between two women who play a deadly game of truth and lies on the road from istanbul to paris and

london one woman has a secret the other a mission to reveal it before thousands of lives are lost. FX's The Veil, starring Elizabeth Moss, is now streaming on Disney+.