The Weekly Planet - The Worst Ocean's 11 Movie - Caravan Of Garbage

Episode Date: June 5, 2018

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This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbroadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. Hey everyone, it's Caravan of Garbage. Because Ocean's 8 is nearly in theatres, or it is, who knows. Maybe it's been long gone. We don't know when you're watching or listening to this. That's fine. Or maybe there's a third format that we don't even know exists in the future. Yeah, maybe someone shoots a bullet of entertainment right into your brain.

Ah, my brain! Ooh, content. So we thought we'd look at the original Ocean's Eleven. Now, this is the original original. The original original, yeah. This isn't the one with your Clooney and your Brad Pitt, those boys. No. It's with some stars of yesteryear, which at the time were the stars of today. Correct.

The Ocean's Eleven, the kind of we grew up with, with your George Clooney's and your Brad Pitt's. I re-watched it recently. It's a blast, man. It's a lot of fun. It's a rollicking adventure. Everyone's got different skills. We grew up with it.

We grew up with it. But the tagline of this... I watched it with my dad every year. That's right. But the tagline of this movie should be imagine the simplest heist to ever be pulled off by 11 of the drunkest and dumbest men on the planet.

Is that accurate? Look, you're wrong because it's drunkest and dumbest and most interchange planet. Is that accurate? Look, you're wrong, because it's drunkest and dumbest and most interchangeable men. Yes. Because who's who in this movie? I mean, you recognise your Dean Martins, you recognise your Frank Sinatras, your Sammy Davis Juniors. Cesar Romero's in it?

He is, that's true. Which is a bit of a blast. Wearing his iconic, I will never shave this off, even for my role as the Joker, mustache. That's it. But everybody else just kind of guys with slick hair drinking whiskey at a bar wearing ill-fitting suits and calling each other from they're all in different hotels calling each other but via the operator and you

have to see all of that yeah then often they're not in or they pretend they're not at one point cesar romero picks up the phone and he goes, operator, cancel all my upcoming calls. And I'm like, oh, thank God. I don't want to see any more scenes where somebody calls somebody else through the operator. So the idea is that Frank Sinatra's character, you're Danny Ocean, if you will. He's the only character, I think, who keeps his name. Oh, in the new ones. In the new one, they all have different names.

Okay, gotcha. Okay, fair enough. So they're all from this World War II airborne division. They're all ex-paratroopers. Yeah. And so it's about 15 years after the war. It's 1960. It's the 60s. It's the swingin' 60s, Mason.

And it opens with a guy getting a shave. I think it's quite the swingin' 60s, yeah. No. Well, it was shot in, like, 59. Yeah, right. Yeah. It's the dull and dreary 50s. Yeah.

The first thing we see of Frank Sinatra is he he sidles on into a room where one of his mates is getting a massage and he's wearing a delightful orange cashmere sweater and it's possibly the worst thing i've ever seen brutal look it's not the worst thing about this movie oh absolutely it's not even the worst thing about that scene the worst thing about that scene is this is just a oily shirtless man sitting on a couch just just ruining the upholstery i should stress also before we get way into this movie nothing happens in it no absolutely not when when you find out what the heist is because they're talking about this heist and they're getting the crew together it's 52 minutes in before you find out what it is and the heist

and we'll get to it you took notes oh absolutely i had to stop what's There's no, it's the simplest thing you'll ever see in your life. And you think when they're gathering the crew that they're all going to have different skills or different personalities. Imagine having a different personality from another guy in 1960. But they're mostly entirely interchangeable. And the only ones with skills is one's an electrician and one drives a garbage truck. And everybody else can kind of do the same thing. You're incorrect. Frank Sinatra, Danny Ocean's ability is that he can mimic various accents

but only on the phone and only for prank-related purposes. And he has to put a handkerchief over the receiver. So there's pressure from the kind of guy who wants to get this Ocean's group together to pull this casino heist. They're going to knock over five casinos. I should also stress that the modern day one, the 1999 or whatever it is, 2001, that also takes a while to get to the heist. But you don't really notice because it's fast moving and breezy and they mix it up with a lot of set pieces.

He's the thief. He's the acrobat guy. He's the demolitions guy. He's the thief. He's the acrobat guy. He's the demolitions guy. Yeah, he's the croupier working the floor. And we introduce all those. And I don't want to compare it to the new one so much. But the new one is so much better. But the new one, the first 45 minutes is just introducing characters.

But it's like, here's something that's happening on a racetrack. Here's something that's happening in a robbery in progress. Here's something happening on a subway. This movie, it's just, hey, here's a dude in a suit in a hotel room. Here's another dude on a subway this movie it's just hey here's a dude in a suit in a hotel room here's another dude in a suit in a hotel room here's a guy in a hotel bar there's a guy that's getting out of jail but we don't see him get out of jail it's just in an office it's like oh we can't use him he's in jail oh actually we can because he's getting out of jail oh cool oh hey man you've gotten out of jail yes i got out of jail what was jail like it was fine don't want to talk about it or say it though there is a fist

fight early on and this happens in i guess the action set piece of the movie we we cut to a burlesque club and frank sinatra is there and he's he's he's having a drink at the bar and people are sidling up to each other, getting a whiskey or whatever. There's a lot of sidling. There's a lot of that. And what passes for entertainment in this era that I love is there's a woman on stage. She's in like a bikini with a skirt

and she's just holding a snake above her head and just moving in a circle. And then at the end, she kind of goes down on one knee to raucous applause. And everyone is wild. It's like another universe, isn't it? It's crazy. Well, I was going to say, like, the first time I watched the show Mad Men,

which, again, is set in the 60s as well, I'm like, this is like a parallel universe. It's like an alien world because the attitudes are so different and the reality is so different. And it's the same here. It's like, is this what people like? You went out for this you dressed up you put on a you put on an ill-fitting boxy tuxedo to go out and watch a woman twirl a snake well the

second woman that comes out who's called honey face who's the wife of one of the men who's pulling off the heist she comes out in a in a white dress and i'm thinking okay she's gonna sing she's gonna dance she's gonna do a cartwheel, fire twirl. I don't know. And then she just clip-clops in a circle for about a minute and everybody's watching. And then it cuts to the bar and Frank Sinatra's having a conversation with the guy's wife or whatever.

And you hear the crowd kind of rear up that something's happening. And I expect it's going to cut back and she's balancing on a chair or throwing a knife or something. But she's just clip-clopping in a circle. It's exactly the same thing. We're introduced to Sammy Davis Jr.'s character. It's just a bunch of blue-collar dudes standing in an open field, like around maybe like a drum of fire. And somebody's just playing a harmonica.

Somebody's just playing a harmonica and then they stop playing the harmonic and people are like yeah good stuff yeah there was a song i recognized that dean dean mcconnell he sings ain't that a kick in the head he plays it which i sings it twice which i quite liked but there's also a bar fight early on and it's the choreography you'd expect from this era a guy guy throws a right, someone blocks it on their left and then punches him in the face. And that happens like three different times. There's no finesse to it. It's just block, punch in the face. That's it.

You would think if you lived in this era, maybe swing your punch, expect it to be blocked and then expect it to be blocked and for the other guy to then punch you in the head and then block that punch. That's it. then just get see who gets tired of blocking first it's how fighting worked back then there's also the subplot which is kind of similar to the new one where danny ocean is has fallen out with his wife yes and he's trying to get her back

but in this version danny ocean is also got a girl on the side yeah who he makes really mad because he wants to end it and she throws a glass at him and it hits the wall and then later there's another scene where he goes to get tries to get his wife back and then he goes back to this woman and gives her his hotel key even though he's trying to get his wife back he's playing both sides both sides wow and she goes really hedging his bet he really is and she goes not unlike any of this danny ocean and she calls his wife and his wife's like go fuck yourself i love danny ocean even more even though you know you've told me all this he's my number one fella or whatever yeah right and again it's like what universe is this there's some strange attitudes back then so so have we gotten

to the look all the all the delightful characters have been introduced. I can't even... Peter Orford is another guy. Yeah, there's another... Okay, so the guy they get out of jail is an electrician. He's important, would you say? There's a guy who turns up to the house just before where they're going to plan the big heist

and they're going to do the big reveal and he's in a cowboy hat and he's drunk and he's got a broken arm. Yeah, that's right. Except he's not drunk and he comes in and the guy who's in a cowboy hat and he's drunk and he's got a broken arm yeah that's except he's not drunk and he comes in and the guy who's in charge is like what do we get this guy for he's got a broken arm he can't do anything what are you what are you doing and then uh danny osha's like watch this and he throws him a billiard ball and he catches it he's like with his broken arm it's like look it's a fake cast and he takes it off. And everyone's like, great stuff. He's done it again.

He's a real chameleon. Is he like a sleight of hand guy? What's his skill that must factor into his quick reflexes and the fact that he's got a fake cast? Nothing. That never comes up again, yeah. He's just a guy. He just went, oh, I'm going to be joining the Ocean Boys.

I'm going to be meeting the big boss. I'm going to be meeting the big boss. I better pretend to be drunk and put a cast on so he knows that I'm a master of deception. Ridiculous. It never comes up. At no point do we see he has to smuggle something through so he puts a fake cast on. It never happens again. No. It's wild.

Bizarre. So they show up for this meeting and Frank Sinatra pulls out a map. Well, it's not a map. It's a road and it's got like six casinos. You know what other skill he has? He's got weird. He's just got a magician skills because that's like a blue handkerchief and like a silk one. And then he waves his hand around and then it's a yellow handkerchief and then it's a map.

Oh, wow. Like he does some serious close up magic skills. But we don't see any of that. I bet Frank Sinatra didn't actually do that either. It's close up magic stuff. It's somebody else's hair right i'd almost guarantee it so they reveal and i'm thinking oh this must be some elaborate heist where they're gonna they're gonna rob one and then you know and they're gonna come into the ceiling or whatever but it's basically there's six casinos in a row and they're gonna switch off the power and then they're just gonna walk in and take

the money and i'm thinking there must be like a twist to this there must be something kind of goes wrong but it's literally that that's all they need to do the additional wrinkle is that when the lights get cut out in like when the power gets cut at the casino there's some backup power which which turns on the light turns the lights back on yeah right so what they're going to do is they're going to cut two wires yes and they're going to switch the wires. So instead of when the backup power generator switches on, instead of the lights coming back on, it's just going to open all the security doors.

Yes. That's it. And that's what they need the electrician for. But Frank Ocean is the one who... Danny Ocean. You're thinking of Frank Ocean, the great singer. Danny Ocean is the one who tells the electrician to do that. He's like, can't you just switch the wires?

And the electrician's like, yeah, probably. And it was so important that this guy would be out of jail to do this. This thing that Frank or Danny Ocean already knew about. That's true. That didn't occur to me. But yeah, you could just get a regular electrician and be like, hey, can you come here for a sec? Hey, can you switch these wires? Yeah, cool.

Here's 50 bucks. All right. See you later, mates. So when they're scoping out the casinos, they're suspiciously walking around the floor, just nodding to each other. You notice that? There's like one will stand near a door and he's dressed as a cleaner. And then there's a guy at the bar and they're like, nod.

It feels very much like a student film or a film that they did on the day. Yes. But I guess there was a script to this or was there? Well, I can talk about that a bit more at the end, but there was a script. But this was also shot around them all performing their shows in Vegas at the time. Okay. So they'd perform their shows and they'd get up early and then they'd do this and then they'd drink until they'd have to do the next show or whatever whatever these guys do these guys do but when the heist starts they're all they look so suspicious and they're just standing awkwardly and again like looking at

each other yeah like from across the room nodding and saluting and waving but though but the doors just open when the lights go out and they just walk in with a duffel bag. And the security guards don't have any, like, there's no flashlights. There's no dogs. There's no... They hold some hostage briefly, don't they? I'm fairly certain that happens. Oh, also, because you know how in all these heist movies, there's like, normally the security is impregnable.

But on this day at this time this is going to happen there's going to be a system reboot there's going to be a computer thing everybody's going to be doing a thing and so we've got exactly 30 seconds and we're going to do this and we're going to switch the cameras and we're going to do what whatever the main thing of this is well normally it's a security would be impregnable and we we would we would immediately be caught but in this instance it's new year's day it's going security would be impregnable and we would immediately be caught. But in this instance, it's New Year's Day. It's going to hit the stroke of midnight and everybody in Las Vegas is going to stop what they're doing

and sing Auld Lang Syne all together without exception. For a minute and 32 seconds. 38 seconds. 38 seconds. Yeah, you got to be precise. But also, I've been at new year's parties where they people have sung auld lang syne and people sing auld lang syne for as long as they can be bothered concentrating or for as long as they can remember the words which is usually about

20 seconds yeah the fact the fact that they've gone okay look we've timed it out there's a auld lang syne goes for a minute and 38 seconds so everybody is going to be steadfast and they're going to be locked into this song for exactly that amount of time so that's exactly how long we have no that is a wild supposition to be like nobody's going to be doing anything else but this is an era where people can watch a woman curl a snake clip clop a snake around a stage i guess so 20 minutes i guess they're like oh okay right time to wow we've got you know what everybody we've got a minute and 38 seconds to not think about the grim realities of death so let's do it let's fire up and we only sing this song once a year it would be that kind of

thing where if you if you sing it when it's not that time of year. If you don't sing it for the full amount of time, you're un-American. You're probably a communist. So they walk in and they walk out with the money. They put it in trash cans out the back of each casino. Because that's the easiest way to get it out of Vegas because Sammy Davis Jr. is going to come in and grab it in the garbage truck. His skill is driving a garbage truck. Not a terrible idea, granted,

but just when you think everything's fine, Mason, the one who got out of jail has a heart attack and he dies in the street, presumably because, like all of them, he smokes 100 cigarettes a day. And he's always been 55. That's right, exactly. He's always been 55 years old.

That's how he was born Like all of them His heart's never been good So when one of them dies There's a moment where Frank Sinatra Is kind of talking about it And he's like We've got to still do the heist or whatever We're still emotions 11

Or whatever And the other guy's like Frank Sinatra seems to be taking it hard He looks exactly the same It's the same frank sinatra seems to be taking it hard he looks exactly the same yeah it's the same inflection in his voice his face is stoic he looked exactly the same yeah maybe there's nuance here to men from the 50s and 60s that i'm not picking up on that guy doesn't have a shred of emotion in his entire body anyway so it's like six million dollars there's no cameras so nobody's seen anything yeah uh so

the the the law enforcement's big plan is check every bag at the airport which is hilarious nowadays because they make you take your shoes off yeah right and it's also how you know that one road that goes out of vegas just stop every car yeah except sammy davis jr driving the the truck full of money the garbage truck just rolls up and he's like hey guys what's going on at the at the checkpoint and the cops are just like get this truck out of here just go straight through we don't have time to deal with you garbage truck man but there's also you see them checking other people and there's like an old woman in a car and she's like what happened happened? They're like, that was a, that was a robbery or whatever. And she's like, oh, okay.

And then she just drives off. Check the boot. Check the backseat. Yeah. Do something. So they could have just driven it out in a regular car. They could have just put it in a briefcase, I'd imagined, and just walked through the desert. Yeah.

I don't know. They could have put the cash in their clothing. Yes, exactly. In the spare tire they could oh my god because six million dollars physically it's not a lot of money it's like six small bags so anyway they sammy davis jr drops it off at the uh drops off the garbage dump to pick up later but in the meantime there's a guy played by cesar romero who is the soon-to-be stepfather of frank sinatra's mate whose one problem is that he's always had money for all the 55 years that he's been alive being 55 for

and his mom always gives him money and he's like that's my problem my whole life whenever i needed money my mom would just give me money that's why i want to pull this heist off there's a scene okay there's a scene where he calls his mother right and he goes mom i need some money and she's like oh why not again why and he's like i just need some spending money and she's like oh fine then i thought it was for an investment yeah but if you want to spend it that's fine anyway yeah but so so his mother is going to be marrying caesar romero a man who is clearly the same age as him. There's a hilarious line because Cesar Romero very quickly figures out that it's these 11 guys. He's like, well, that guy died in the street.

And he was a paratrooper. He was a paratrooper with Frank Ocean's men. I know he's not Frank Ocean. I'm combining names. It's fine. Oh, yeah. But he doesn't figure it out by detective work or examining a crime scene. No.

Just his wife-to-be is just like, boy, a paratrooper. figure it out by detective worker examining a crime scene just his just wife to be wife to be is just like boy they're a paratrooper boy well all all his army friends are hanging out aren't they they're always having meetings and saying they're probably up to something probably up to something in las vegas why else would they be in las vegas and he's like up to something in las vegas like a crime because he's looking for criminals. Yeah. Instead of these 11 trained men. Yeah, right.

Yeah. So he figures it out and he goes to Frank Sinatra and he's like, what you've done, it's a real bloody work of art. First of all, it's fucking not. It's just walking into a room and taking some money. But he's like, I envy you guys. I envy you youth. And I looked up his age. This dude is seven years older than frank sardar

also what i like about it so so cesar romero's character he's investigating this crime but he's not a cop no he's a former gang he's a former like mob guy who just wants to solve the crime so he can take the money i guess for himself even though his wife's rich. Yes. So he's rich also. He's also independently rich. And maybe he wants to do it for kicks or to get one over in these guys. And so he just goes to Frank Sinatra and- Frank Ocean. Frank Ocean.

And he goes to the other dudes and he's like, listen, I know what you did and I want half the money. And they're like, okay. Like there's barely half a denial. They're not like, what are you talking about? Prove it. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

There's none of that at all. Because he doesn't know where it's gone. He doesn't know how they got it out of the city. Even if they have got it out of the city. That's exactly it. He's just like, you better give me half the money. They should just be like, we don't know what you're talking about. There's literally no evidence because there's no cameras.

Right, exactly. Get out of here, mate. You can just say somebody else saw you somewhere else at that exact time and that was forensics back in the day but i guess the cesar romero guy is supposed to be the bad guy but i'm like okay he's found you out and you've admitted it immediately just give him half he's not a worse bloke than you i like him more than any of you give him half of the money yeah that's not unreasonable yeah because cesar romero's character whose name i cannot recall and will not look up uh he he initially goes to the casino bosses and he's like give me 30 of this money yeah and i will and i will find these guys for you and then he goes and he double

crosses them and he's like give me 50 of the money yeah just find a middle ground frank frank sinatra could have just been like look we didn't get that much look we lost some of it we'll give you 100 grand yeah that's it that's all you need to do so anyway they uh they put on blackface and they well it's more of a disguise because what they do what they do they under the cover of darkness they sneak into into where the electrician's body is. And they put all the money in the coffin. Because they're like, nobody will find it in the coffin of the guy who died. Who is clearly linked to us and this crime. So we just take it away from the garbage dump with infinite piles of rubbish where you'd never find it.

Also, if it can fit in a coffin, it could also fit in probably any coffin-sized object. As we previously mentioned, put it in a hot water heater. Put it in a couple of suitcases. Exactly. But in doing so, they take out $10,000 for the son of the electrician to give to him. But they also leave a band that says $10,000 on the floor next to the coffin. And the guy, the mortician, rings Cesar Romero and he's like, you told me to ring if something funny happened.

And I'll tell you what something funny happened. I found a band that said 10 grand next to the coffin. I didn't open the coffin, but I just thought I want you to know that I found this band for $10,000. Look, rules are rules. Morticians rules. Once you close that coffin,

you never open it up again. So the idea is that they're going to go back after the funeral and get this money back. How closed is this closed casket funeral? You know, never want to check anything. So to make sure everything's going to plan. You never open that coffin to make sure the right guy's in there? What if it was an open casket funeral?

Which a lot of them were and still are. So they're in a hotel. The phone rings. Frank Ocean answers the phone and he goes, Operation Pine Box. In case it wasn't clear. What what if what if it was caesar romero oh it's in the coffin is it because you just said pine box and your friend recently died and is in a pine box there's literally no it's supposed to be covert there's only one thing called there's only one thing that you call a pine box and it's a coffin gee bloody hell i'm glad you were paying more attention than

i was because i didn't pick up on that so that's great stuff so they're sitting there in the in the funeral as it's happening and cesar romero's at the back and he's like i bloody got them and then the the priest or whatever's like and now it's time for the body to be cremated and they're like and they all look at each other one at a time because the the mortician it's the same mortician right he just goes to the the widow yeah and he says listen you don't want to ship the coffin back to where you live because that's very expensive so just have the funeral here and then we'll just immediately cremate the whole thing straight away that'll be much cheaper and she's like oh cool okay great what they could have done is turn the lights off and just walk in and take the money again.

It's starting to... See, but that's the thing. Like, maybe they don't want to take the money. Maybe it's a psychological block. Like... It seems to be. Why couldn't they just take it out? Because the movie just ends.

They just leave. Yeah. And the credits are them just walking away down the street. The coffin's not on fire just storm in and grab it yeah you know who can't go into a mortuary anybody else besides the mortician right you just wait till the coffin's about to go in the thing because it takes literally hours to burn something like that in a in a in a crematorium and just be like we'll take it from here okay bye idiots oh god what a pack of fucking

dummies this is a horrible film i know people are like i hope oceans 8 doesn't tarnish the legacy of the oceans films most of these films are terrible three out of the four are bad at least and look i don't mind oceans 13 it's fine yeah but this is horrendous and i remember reading an interview with george clooney around the time when his version came out and it was something like hey uh how does it feel to be like taking on like this legacy of a film this titan of a blockbuster you know that was out and then everybody loved it and he's like have you seen it it's a horrible film i don't feel bad about it all yeah at all there's there is no way we can't improve on that so i've've got a couple of facts here, Mason, from the film. Great.

Unless you've got some final thoughts. Well, I was going to say final thoughts, just some miscellaneous thoughts. One, everybody dresses like garbage in this film, except potentially Cesar Romero and the old boss, the miscellaneous, vaguely Mediterranean boss guy. Everybody's like, oh my God, back in the day, everybody was so stylish. No, they're not. Everybody's wearing a weird boxy suit. A grey suit. Everybody is wearing a weird boxy suit that's buttoned at a weird angle

and all their collars are askew and their jackets bunch up at the back when they put their hands in their pockets because they're drunk yeah they're all drunk they're all drunk yeah and also um second one every woman in this movie is being called toots and slapped on the ass that's right what a film yeah anyway you got some facts i'm ready for a color movie there are endless interiors of gray walls and people wearing gray clothes yep that's not as much as the style at the time and significant portions of the movie's interactions between major characters were ad-libbed the actors playing the leading roles all knew each other well and improvised dialogue as well as or better than the script oh they all they all just

improvised some sweet in jokes that clearly only they knew about yeah just a whole bunch of little fun little things that if you were frank sinatra or dean martin or followed them obsessively maybe you would get but shortly afterwards no idea what are they even talking about this movie is utter shit there's a lot of my favorite movies come from this era of filmmaking, but this is some bottom-rung garbage. Good luck getting through it. That's all I'll say. Yeah, exactly.

It's two hours, and it doesn't go by in a clip. Let's just put it that way. Anyway, this has been Caravan of Garbage. If you've got a suggestion for something terrible to watch or read or do or play or whatever, we're more than happy to give it a bloody look-see. Oh, we'd love to. Yeah, if you've got a suggestion for something terrible to watch or read or do or play or whatever, we're more than happy to give it a bloody look-see. Oh, we'd love to. Yeah.

If you've got any thoughts on this, please leave it below. A like always helps, doesn't it, Mason? Absolutely, probably. Also, if you're listening to this, there's a video version so you can watch all this glory in beautiful grey. You want to see some boxy suits? We got it for you. That's exactly it. Also, there's videos here every Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday if you want to see some boxy suits? We got this We got it for you That's exactly it Also there's videos here Every Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday

If you want to check them out We also have a podcast Called The Weekly Planet Weekly Planet We talk movies and comics And TV shows That comes out every Monday We've probably got an Oceans episode

Coming up don't we? I'd say so That's exciting isn't it? Yes Yes Alright guys Everybody have a fun And good time

Grab that gem you guys We'll see you next week Goodbye I've been drunk this whole time. Did you ad-lib this? Yeah, this whole thing. Oh, that's very 1959. You handed me the script, but I'm like, no, no,

I can think of some things that are as good or better. This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbroadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. I mean, if you want. It's up to you.