The Weekly Planet - The Worst Tomb Raider Thing - Caravan Of Garbage

Episode Date: January 24, 2018

Tomb Raider has had it's up's and downs. This is probably the worst thing.Video Version ► https://goo.gl/7tfmz8Buy Tomb Raider 2018 on Amazon ► https://amzn.to/2ofDvxo Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

FX's The Veil explores the surprising and fraught relationship between two women who play a deadly game of truth and lies on the road from Istanbul to Paris and London. One woman has a secret, the other a mission to reveal it before thousands of lives are lost. FX's The Veil, starring Elizabeth Moss, is now streaming on Disney+. This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbroadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. Welcome to Caravan of Garbage, everybody, the show where we look at something shit.

Hey, Mason, allow me to name some iconic Tomb Raider moments, and you tell me whether or not you also think they're iconic. Okay. The original Tomb Raider game. Iconic. The new games, which are way better. They're much better. Don't play the originals.

More iconic and better. And better. One of the movies, the one with the robot dog, where she fights a robot dog. Iconic in the sense that I don't know which one is which. Jerry Butler's in one of them also. Is that iconic? Yeah, that's definitely iconic. Yeah. What about Tomb Raider?

Everything he does is iconic Absolutely Gamer iconic Geostorm Iconic The one where he shoots somebody with a telephone Through the head or whatever Iconic What's that one?

It's called Everyday Laura Biding Citizen Laura Biding Citizen Man We're not here to talk about Laura Biding Citizen Boo I know We're here to talk about The Tomb Raider, the

trilogy short film. Iconic? No. I mean, I've not heard... This is 1998, right? Yeah. Where did this come from? Okay. We've watched it. We've watched it. Spoiler alert, there's no element of being a trilogy in it. No. We might get to the end

of this and you'll be like, they didn't talk about the trilogy part. There's no trilogy part. I assume because Tomb Raider 3 came out. Did that come out in 1998? So basically it's a tie-in promotional video. Short film. Short film, sorry.

It's not even promotional because it was only shown internally for the creators of the game. See, I wondered about it because I'm like, did this come out on the CD-ROM or something? But it didn't. What is this, 4? This wasn't a hidden feature on the CD-ROM or something? But it didn't. What is this, 4? This wasn't a hidden feature on the CD-ROM of Tomb Raider 3, which I didn't buy. Absolutely not. I bought 1 and 2.

Okay, so yeah, this first screened at an event at the Natural History Museum in London. Oh, that's Lara Croft's home turf. That's right. One assumes. And luckily... You know, all that natural history that she destroys yeah yeah she just riddles with bullets it's just a just a t-rex loaded with bullets it's taking center stage anyway continue uh luckily the original digi beta tape was recently

discovered so uh in april of 2016 it was put on the official tomb raider page so it's not kind of like look at this this is good it's like look of like, look at this, this is good. It's like, look at this fun, look at this throwback. Fun's not the word, is it? No, but anyway, it's on YouTube. So if you just want to find it on YouTube. You definitely don't need to watch it though. It's not essential to anything Tomb Raider. It's very short though.

It is very short. And it's interesting. In what way? In that it's very 90s.s yes and it's very british it feels like midsummer murders or like touch of frost touch of frost waking the dead yeah it's any of those things it's okay there's three characters in it yep spoiler alert four none of them are we'll say that's the thing none of them are lara croft like she's not in this no yeah but it's in this trilogy there's a there's a hard-nosed british detective uh there is a like a sexy psychologist she's been pulled

away from a gala it's midnight she's not happy that's right yeah and there's a crack addict evidently it opens up on it opens up on like it looks like it's going to be more hoity-toity than it is like it looks like it's going to be more hoity-toity than it is like it looks like it's going to be more lofty see a slender hand you see a slender hand you see a uh you see an agatha christie collection of plays on the on the desk you see you see like a man smoking a cigarette and he's he's he's taking it from an ashtray of cigarettes which haven't been like old used cigarettes that haven't been smoked. He's just mashed them in there.

What they've done, I don't know if they're fake cigarettes or real cigarettes, but they've just snipped the ends off and put them all in the ashtray. Very good. Hot tip for you, snip the ends and then light them for a second. And then they look used. This was a British film crew in the 90s. Yes. There was plenty of cigarettes.

People would have smoked those cigarettes. Exactly, that's right. It would have taken those cigarettes exactly that's taken 30 seconds to get that ashtray full there was probably they probably cried so the cop has arrested this guy who was he says was spider manning at the tower of london so they brought him in because i think he's in some kind of trouble he's he's an ice addict probably yeah and he had some funny items on him he had they flashed these really quickly but i slowed it down there's a key right there's a key uh there's a jade dragon which i think might

be from tomb raider 2 but i might be wrong uh two pistols yeah two real guns they're not prop guns he's got two handguns that's very lara croft and a fresh fish so these are the things that this man had on had on him when he was arrested. So he brings in this psychologist to determine what's going on with him. Because there's no real through line or point to this. We were expecting a lot, weren't we? Yeah, we certainly were. I mean, it did scream internally. We shouldn't be so harsh.

So it's her job to- For the game developers? Yeah, I assume so. No, for the game developers or for like the money people? Maybe it's for the money people to be like, look, this isn't just a video game. This is- This is serious business.

And some people who made this have gone on to win like BAFTAs and shit like that. The actors? I think some of the actors, like I recognize from other things, from other episodes of- Of A Touch of Frost. Whatever, yeah. that's exactly it side note have you ever seen charlie brooker's a touch of cloth which is a parody of that sort of stuff it's very good it's very good charlie brooker you would know from his pc zone magazine oh yeah he did tie that back in yeah absolutely so the the the ice addict

is he's nervously twitching his thumbs they're like we couldn't get it we couldn't get a print off him because his thumbs are worn down to the to the body he's a gamer man he's a gamer that's what they're all like see what is what is that if that was widely distributed to the public that's a weird shot at gamers isn't it the whole thing's a weird shot if we can if we can zip through real quickly to the to the plot so the the psychologist goes in there to interview him yeah and she's like what's your deal man what's what are you doing and he's like um i'm doing this to impress my girlfriend yeah she's in trouble maybe yeah that's right my girlfriend's in trouble

i gotta gotta look out you know i gotta gotta i've got to park her around the tower of london with two real loaded handguns oh yeah and also they cut the footage of his cell and he's just doing combat roles in handstands for some reason. That's very Tomb Raider, isn't it, probably? Absolutely. Yeah, but yeah, sorry, you were saying? But then, yeah, so she gets to the bottom of this and she's like, she sounds like she's in trouble. You've got to tell me all the details about your girlfriend

so we can finally help her. And he's like, here's my girlfriend and hands her like a folded up little slip of paper. And then later she goes to the detective and is like, it's okay. The mystery's unraveling. The mystery's unraveling. Here's the girlfriend. It's a picture of Lara Croft.

So the assumption, so this isn't for gamers because it's like, hey, gamers, you're a bunch of losers. You do nothing but play video games all the time. You wear your thumbs off and you think Lara Croft, a fantasy woman, is your girlfriend. You dummy. But it's also not for like, you couldn't show this to parents because it'd be like, hey, if your kids play video games,

they'll go mad and leap off buildings firing guns. That's exactly right. And it's also very loosely shows off the graphical capabilities of Tomb Raider 3. Like he's talking about the Tomb Raider games and we get snippets of them. Oh, that's right. Where he's like, yeah, when I met her, it was great.

It was hot. And there was an adventure. Second time was even better. And that's Tomb Raider 2 and whatever. And he's like, but the third time, you should see all the graphics. The walls are real. And then they show like the game graphics of, you know,

Tomb Raider trilogy or three or whatever it's called. And it looks absolutely fine for the time. But when you intercut that with real footage, it's the dumbest thing in the world. There's a scrolling marquee thing that happens at the end when it hits its dramatic peak. There's this scrolling text and it goes, does Lara live in our world or do we live in hers?

And then it cuts to like he's looking out of his cell and then it cuts to lara croft on like a like a roof of a building yeah it swirls around here and it looks like total garbage like it we talk we talk some garbage on the show obviously yeah but this is really shows to the extent to which how how much we deluded ourselves back in the day of like oh my god this looks so good it looks just like real life i think even modern day tomb raider modern day tomb raider looks like real life if you step back a little bit and squint that could be real life video games can do that nowadays did you see this quite recently uh a guy on twitch he streamed

like a pay-per-view ufc fight on twitch for like people who couldn't afford to you know buy it or didn't want to pay for it or whatever right and he got away with it by putting a little picture in picture in the corner with him holding a controller and just clicking away at it so it looked so so people like the casual viewer who was trying to you know combat piracy or whatever would assume he was just playing the video game like that you can get away with that now because those games look like that tomb raider looks incredible now but these 90 98 who you trying to fool i i i genuinely think though that that is that's an impressive game engine for the oh yeah okay i mean comparatively yeah everything looks like

garbage but don't compare it to the real world mason but do we live in her world or does she live what the everything's blurred yeah everything's blurred mason you can i'm doing a handstand in Mason, but do we live in her world or does she live? She's not real. Everything's blurred, Mason. I'm doing a handstand in a cell. I'm doing a combat role. I'm carrying two guns. What's going on? Where did he get them? Where did he get them?

It's pretty difficult to carry a gun in Britain. That's my understanding, Mason, having lived there for a little bit because I'm a man of the world. Anyway, should people seek this out? I think they should. It's only like eight minutes long. Well, it's eight minutes and there's like four minutes of credits. So this video is much longer than the actual thing itself.

It is a fascinating insight. Yeah. Do they still make this sort of stuff? I think there was a time when I remember it got leaked, but Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant made like a... Tomb Raider game, I remember. Tomb Raider game. They made like an office-style skit for Microsoft.

Like they probably paid like $4 million or whatever to do it. So I think it does still happen. Yeah. You know, it's kind of to show off the capabilities. And like you said, it's to impress the investors and what their understanding of video games are and the developers. They're for losers.

They're for losers. You cannot distinguish fantasy from reality. They'll whittle their thumbs down to nothing. They just want to look at some pixelated boobers and pretend that's their girlfriend and they'll pay through the nose for it. It was the era of the nude raider. Oh, yeah, for sure.

Absolutely. Look, it's not the best Tomb Raider thing that's ever happened. That's certainly true. era of the nude raider oh yeah for sure absolutely look uh it's not the best tomb raider thing that's ever happened that's certainly true but it's

they made it but it's the worst thing is it the worst thing yeah people say angel of darkness i don't know what that

is it's it's like the the first it's called angel of something it's on the ps2 maybe we'll get to a one i'm gonna assume

that's the worst then you know what's the worst the movies are the worst they. You know what's the worst? The movies are the worst. They're terrible. They're profoundly terrible. I would have rather watched two more hours of this than two Tomb Raider movies. One Tomb Raider.

Maybe we'll do one nice and... I don't want to. Let's not do one then. Okay, great. Great. What a fun time. Thank you everybody for watching this or listening to this.

Listen, you can find us every Tuesday here doing a Caravan of Garbage. We always look at a comic or a movie or a TV show or a weird short film that didn't screen publicly. Just a weird corporate branding

Synergy products. We'll look at that. We'll look at anything. We'll look at a breakfast cereal tie-in. Send us an old breakfast cereal from the 80s. Yeah. Send us one of those ads

from like a really old comic week and you can get big muscles by lifting a weight. Ah, Charles Atlas method. Yeah, that's it. Send us some hostess fruit pies. a really old comic week and you can get big muscles by lifting a weight. Ah, Charles Atlas method. Yeah, that's it. Send us some hostess fruit pies. Please. Send us some x-ray specs.

Oh, my goodness. All of these things. You can also find us every Monday on the podcast, The Weekly Planet, where we talk movies and comics and TV shows. It is the number one podcast in our lives. Isn't it, Mason? Oh, I guess. We're in it.

Yeah, we're in it. That's in it that's true you cannot lie about that thanks everybody grabbed our gem you guys we'll see you next week bye this podcast is part of the planet broadcasting network visit planetbroadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates it's not optional you have to do it we used to go easy on it, but now you have to. Yeah. FX's The Veil explores the surprising and fraught relationship between two women who play a deadly game of truth and lies on the road from Istanbul to Paris and London. One woman has a secret, the other a mission to reveal it before thousands of lives are lost.

FX's The Veil, starring Elizabeth Moss, is now streaming on Disney+.