The Weekly Planet - Timeline - Caravan Of Garbage

Episode Date: June 12, 2025

It's Timeline time everyone! Because we're continuing our look at Michael Crichton's movie adaptations that arn't Jurassic Park. The year is 2003, Richard Donner (director of Superman: The Movie) decided to gather up Paul Walker, Gerry Butler, Frances O'Connor and Billy Connolly to do a big time travel to the year 1357 in order to run around a bit and cause of ruckus. Not the best Michael Crichton adaptation, some would even consider it the worst. And maybe it is. Thanks for watching our Caravan Of Garbage review!SUBSCRIBE HERE ►► http://goo.gl/pQ39jNHelp support the show and get early episodes ► https://bigsandwich.co/Patreon ► https://patreon.com/mrsundaymoviesJames' Twitter ► http://twitter.coQm/mrsundaymoviesMaso's Twitter ► http://twitter.com/wikipediabrownPatreon ► https://patreon.com/mrsundaymoviesT-Shirts/Merch ► https://www.teepublic.com/stores/mr-sunday-movies The Weekly Planet iTunes ► https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-weekly-planet/id718158767?mt=2&ign-mpt=uo%3D4 The Weekly Planet Direct Download ► https://play.acast.com/s/theweeklyplanetAmazon Affiliate Link ► https://amzn.to/2nc12P4 Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

When the secret is defiled, darkness awakens. Don't miss the new bone-chilling psychological thriller from Audible, Sacrilege! Curse of the Mbewi, starring Caleb McLaughlin of Stranger Things fame, delivering an electrifying performance. Sacrilege follows the story of the Wallace family, whose vacation to a luxury game reserve in Zimbabwe quickly unravels when Dash and Wallace, played by McLaughlin, unwittingly desecrates hallowed ground and unleashes the M'birwi, a vengeful entity born from centuries of colonial oppression. As possessed wildlife and shape-shifting horrors close in, Dashan must confront not only the supernatural threat but

also the horrors of his own past to save what remains of his family. Written and directed by the visionary creator Nyasha Hartendi and presented in spectacular Dolby Atmos, Sacrilege blends pulse-pounding suspense with powerful explorations of identity and privilege to deliver a thriller as thought-provoking as it is terrifying. We all have our demons. Listen to Sacrilege, Curse of the Mbui now. Go to audible.ca slash sacrilege Welcome back everybody to another episode of Caravan of Garbage where we're looking at Michael Crichton movies We're tanking that algorithm. Oh, it's been going so well. Let me just say absolutely, you know Congo got up there sphere

Okay, so what do you want here? What do you what I was saying? You're saying Congo did quite well and you're happy about that. No. Yeah, that's what we're trying to take the algorithm. I'm saying get out of here Stop watching this leave a like no wait down vote doesn't matter don't touch anything the best thing to do is not touch anything It's correct. Yes, and get out of here, especially if you're engaged in some sort of science experiment gone wrong Mmm, which is the subject of this film? Oh my god Mason, please leave a like, I guess. Don't touch anything. For Timeline 2003. I'd never seen this one.

No me neither. So what's interesting about this is Michael Crichton took the unusual step of offering the movie rights for free as long as the movie entered production immediately. He also had a back end deal. Don't plan anything. Just wing it. I insist. You can have this for nothing Just wing the movie. I want to see what happens. I don't care. Yeah. Yeah, but he does care

We'll talk about it more at the end. I'm rich and tall. I don't care what happens rich and tall and dead So this is directed by the great Dick Donner That's correct who people would know for the omen Superman movie, Superman 2 sort of and then he finished it later Lethal weapons, the Goonies This is dreadful though. I mean what I think the pattern that's been established because last week It was Barry Levinson who directed Sphere and then prior to that a different guy we know Directed Congo Frank. Frank Marshall. Frank Marshall. Yeah. What seems to be happening here is that... They're looking for a Spielberg. The producers are going, okay, well what you do is you pair up a Michael Crichton property with an established director,

and then it's just box office and critical gold. But what they forgot was, Jurassic Park had Michael Crichton property, it had established director, and it had dinosaurs. Which are cool. They are cool. But spheres aren't cool No, Kongos aren't cool timelines aren't cool Mirrored time machine rooms aren't very cool. They're not cool at all Ethan Embry is cool. Ethan Embry is cool with his little soul patch in his glasses. That's right running around But that's maybe not enough to make a good film

No, you need a bunch of stars of the future who aren't stars yet. You need Paul Walker. Yep. You need Jerry Butler, the narrowest his head's ever been. Clearly he got fame and he got money and he got that head widening surgery they all get in Hollywood. You know the surgery. No, he blew it. You've had the surgery. I have not. Yes you have. Here's the photo, look how wide his head is. I have not! Yes you have. Here's the photo, look how wide his head is. I came out of the birth canal like this. Wow. And it was a disaster for everyone.

It explains a lot. Yeah, you're right. Michael Sheen's in this. Oh, he's so young and unrecognisable. The Merovingian is in this. The Merovingian from the Matrix sequels is in this. Who's French, really French, I think. He's French, really French.

Really French for reals. Yeah. But in this one of course a vague corporation that sort of- Oh yeah, it's Michael Crichton adaptations that people don't know. So we have to explain the plot. Yeah. So in this one this corporation that is sometimes evil and sometimes benevolent is like- Sometimes they'll push a guy over and you'll go I hit my head. Yeah, but then he's fine. That's right. Then they're sorry. Yeah. David Thewlis is in this also David Thewlis he's Aries and Wonder Woman and probably a bunch of sad British movies also yeah yeah and he's

Harry Potter's fucking werewolf dad or whatever oh okay oh yeah yeah vague memories of that anyway this corporation wanted to invent teleportation but they accidentally invented time travel but it's a very specific form of time travel. They opened a stable wormhole that only goes to a specific day in a specific place. 13 something something. 1357, right? But then they accidentally lose Billy Connolly in the wormhole. Oh no. I mean, sorry, a character played by Billy Connolly.

They didn't actually, they didn't lose the stand-up comedian Billy Connolly, and he's in 1357 doing his bit about incontinence pants or whatever You know what I mean? But it's it's he's a he's a Archaeologist he learns about this and he's intrigued by it. Yeah, so how do they know so much about this castle, etc? Yeah, yeah, yeah, but then he gets lost in the in the thing. So his son Paul Walker not his actual son an actor Paul Walker playing his son. He goes, what's going on here? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because he's like...

He's a cool Californian dude. He's a cool Californian dude and his dad wants him to be an archaeologist as well, but he's like, I'm too busy surfing. Yeah. I hate the past. Right? I only like the future where there's surfing. And chicks.

Yeah. Alright, I'll go back in time if there's surfing. If I can use my surfing skills, he doesn't. Anyway, the point, anyway, he's got a team, all his friends, he's in love with the young Frances O'Connor, she's the real archaeologist here. She's the heir to the Billy Connelly archaeology whole situation, you know what I mean? And she's not into him at all. No.

And he's like, I love you and I hate the past, why can't you give up your job and love me Paul Walker? Great question. Great character. But anyway they set up a team to go back in time. Oh so it's not really a Paul Walker film? No if you go to watch this now he will be on the poster. Yeah he'll probably be in the thumbnail. But he is it's an ensemble really. Yeah. No one's really the star No one wanted to agree to be the star of this no it seems that way yeah, but anyway so the corporation puts together a team yeah, so it's poor Walker and Francis O'Connor and Jerry Butler and Piercing blue eyes Neil McDonald's in there McDonald's there

And he's like the head of security and he brings to like ex-Marine guys or whatever right? And a hand grenade Well I was gonna say so so the rule is and this is this is where it all this is where it all bloody kicks off They're like this. This is this will be a simple case. We'll all go back in time. We'll put out We'll put on our medieval clothes We'll go back in time and then we'll find Billy Connolly and then we'll rescue Billy Connolly and we'll get these little Christopher we'll get these little st. Christopher metal things and if you press it Then we'll know to bring you back to the present

But don't stand near anybody or lose it But you can lose it because if there's one we only need one you can do it by yourself But also if the plot requires that there's only one left you can all use it Yeah, but you need 42 feet of space to do it or something Yeah, can't be anything around you like trees or whatever Uh-huh, and it's got a little timer on it, and you've got six hours, and then we'll stop working Yeah, but somebody took a took a bomb well. I was gonna say so but James James. He's so excited to talk about it I'm so excited

But the rule is of course that they can't they can't bring anything back any modern equipment through time Because you know that would destroy even though they're all speaking languages that didn't really exist at this time. Whatever. Oh, well James I looked I looked into it. We all looked into it. We are little English was prevalent You can they could probably understand and they didn't speak French either. That's French didn't speak this version of French. Oh, yeah Movies are bad. They are, not this one. But anyway, so one of the ex-military guys is like, well he said don't bring any modern equipment or weapons back in time, but what if I brought back one handgun? Like you're not going to bring back a handgun? Yeah, a cool knife. A cool knife, one of those knives with a spring

and it shoots out the knife? Yeah. Or whatever.. A cool knife. One of those knives with a spring. Yeah, it's pretty nice. And it shoots out the knife. Yeah. Or whatever. Like you're not going to bring a compact submachine gun that you can use to mow down a bunch of people and it's really accurate and convenient. Even a laser pointer, people will be like, what the fuck is this? A single firework?

You could be the king of this whole universe. But he's like, you know what I'll do is I'll bring back one thing That will that that could potentially be bad news for everybody as long as the entire French and English armies cluster together I can probably kill them all with this one hand grenade, but obviously it's like it's a it's a plot device Yeah, because that guy gets shot with a bunch of arrows, and he activates his little metal thing to go back to the present Yeah, but he said he's pulled the pin on his hand grenade And then it blows up the time goes up the mirror machine in the in the present day. So all the people are stuck back. Yeah in the past Playing some games that suck ass. Yes medieval games. Yeah, like chess and so forth. Etc and pitfall. Mm-hmm And then so then then in the present day the remaining scientists

They have to attempt to rebuild the time machine just putting some mirrors up put some more mirrors up go to go to mirrors galore and get some more mirrors and put them up before the six hours elapses because then they can activate the thing but if they don't build the mirrors in time yeah then then they won't be able to come back to the present and the most fascinating thing to me there is that anybody in that corporation is like let's do this yeah let's do this to save these small number of people like you'd think they'd just be like let's write it off yeah yeah that's right send $50,000 to each member of their family yeah so they fell off a gantry or

something yeah yeah exactly also they would know living in the present that's that like these guys didn't affect much yeah we didn't get Marty McFly out of here or whatever. That's true, yeah. Check the Marty McFly meter, still at zero. They've got a glass case and it's got all their family photos locked up in it. And they look at it every few minutes just to see none of them are disappearing.

The thing about time travel in this, there's no real warning of don't mess with anything. You can run around and do whatever, you can kill whoever, it's fine. Gerard Butler's like, great, I've been practicing swords and bow and arrows. This is amazing for me. I mean he has a discussion at the start with Paul Walker where he's like, the past was better, there's less gadgets and motorbikes and men had honor. I don't know man, it's a grubby time. It's awful. But there's also a moment They go back in time and they're like, okay

Well, you know they get separated and you know, there's some of them get locked up and they're all you know Yeah, and then they're no closer to finding stand-up comedian Billy Connolly You know improvising his way out of a jam or whatever Then they all they they all make their way together and they're like this isn't gonna be difficult We've got 650 years of history and modern technology on these guys and skills What are they they're not gonna see this coming and then they just use nothing. No They're like what if we climbed out of a roof? What if we climbed out of a hole in a roof? They'd never see that twice. I reckon they would see that coming. Actually

I reckon that'd be a fairly common thing that would happen in medieval times. What if we hit someone with a rock? What if three guys beat up one guy? It's what if we trip a guy on the stairs What if I shoot a guy with a bow and arrow? like yeah, it's just There's no there's no I mean that would be the premise. I don't know if the books different And you're ready the book is look I know I said I would and I definitely did but I don't want to talk about you will No, I did in a subsequent video. I did read it. I don't want to talk about it. Okay, great

No I did! In a subsequent video. I did read it, but I don't want to talk about it. Okay, great. You'd think you'd give the characters skills. Yeah. Modern skills, and then in the past you'd be like, what if I made a laser or whatever? What if I used a bunch of lenses and I made a laser?

That would get him or whatever. Billy Connolly does make a magical fire for the enemy. Which is handy, which is something an archaeologist could easily could easily do. Oh definitely. But yeah there's no... They could go back and be like wait don't kill me I know who won best kiss at the 2003 MTV Movie Awards. And they'd be like oh really? It was Paul Walker and Francis O'Connor when Francis O'Connor's character was clearly not into it. Yeah like they don't even because like you know probably the most famous, you know there's a bunch of famous time travel story you know Connecticut Yankee and King

Arthur's Court where he's like, I think that's the one where he's like, I'm a great wizard and there's gonna be a, I'm gonna blot out the sun or whatever and then it, because it just happens there's an eclipse and they're like, he's a true sorcerer. I'm a great wizard. You're not gonna use any knowledge of the past or anything? No, tripping and running around. Yeah tripping and running around and again three guys beating up one guy. That was maybe the best moment. Let's see it again. Nobody'd see three guys beat up one guy. They didn't know you could do that. Because it's not cool. It wasn't cool. Yeah. I love that Paul Walker's character in this is the fucking the least 1400s guy on earth to send back.

I just think that's so funny. And also I love that in the modern day, this is just unrelated, but there's an archaeology horn that goes off and they all rush to do archaeology down that pit. And there's a real like, hurry to get into this room that hasn't been touched for 600 years like there's no snakes in here man this is an Indiana Jones like what's what's going on here also it's not it's not just a time machine it's a time and space machine right I guess but it's only one specific but it only goes to one it's a wormhole machine I guess and also like I don't like the way like some mirrors closed and then there's a wind machine and they you're mad at the whole aesthetic

Yeah, they scream timeline and they they scream time Scream time line. I think you're fine. Okay, let's go to the type I Don't know man, I mean there's big medieval battles in this one. But I think that the last third is just like a big medieval battle at night and it's just trebuchets and catapults flinging stuff. And night arrows. There are some night arrows. Get the night arrows they say. Get the night arrows. Which are arrows you can't see at night.

Yeah do you mean regular arrows? I think they meant regular arrows that you fire at night. Okay there is a video by the historys on their YouTube channel that's all about this and it's just a guy being like, everything about this movie is stupid and wrong. Well if, and if you're here to support us tanking the algorithm you'll immediately click off this video and go to that video. We would appreciate it yeah. But I even think that like, that's so important that you preserve history etc and Billy Connelly

is just like, I'll like change the course of this battle I don't give a shit that woman's alive who was supposed to die none of it matters none of it means anything like it's kind of like this is a fixed point in time that you can't change except you can you see well that's interesting because as I was watching the movie what are the consequences for any of this? Yeah yeah but here's the thing I think I think there aren't any consequences because when I was watching this movie I'm like it's gonna be one of those movies where they were destined to go back in time Yeah, but it's not but some of it is though because Jerry Butler because at the start of the movie

They find it in the present day They find a sarcophagus of a man with with one ear and he's holding he's holding the remains of his He was like men and women didn't hold each other back then. That sounds very modern. But then it turns out later in the movie, Jerry Butler gets his ear cut off. And then he gets with that woman who's supposed to be dead. And then it turns out that he was the man in the sarcophagus. So I was like, well okay, I guess this is just going to be the, you know, they were

destined to go back in time or whatever. But some of that, you're right, some of that doesn't apply. But the original story was that that woman was hung and then the castle was stormed. You know this they were they were destined to go back in time or whatever But some of that you're right some of that doesn't apply But the original story was that that woman was hung and then the castle was stormed Turns out Jerry Butler was hung That's what he's telling everyone you got that wide dick surgery that everyone at Hollywood's getting That's exactly right, but you went the other way you went with the narrowing surgery Mate you got to

That's right You just got to Yet more unrealistic beauty standards for youtubers, you know what I mean? You just gotta get that narrowing surgery. I think what happened there was he got his ear cut off and he went, oh that was me It's my I was the great love etc. And then he made that happen. You know what would be funny That was two different people or she survived and had another great love. I think it'd be really funny if he's like I'm gonna I'm in love with this woman and I'm destined to be the one-eared man

So I'm gonna stay in the past away from all you know all my friends and all the modern Conveniences or whatever and then he stays in the past when the rest of them go back to the present and then like two weeks Later she meets another one-eared guy. He's like actually like this guy a lot more. He's like god damn it What if I cut off my other ear? And he dies dies in a ditch. He dies in a ditch as everybody did Goddamn, do you know what it's time for though? What's it time for? It's time for time trivia. You know it I do. This is the timeline trivia section of the show. Oh, yes. I've only got two but I got some other news I want to talk about Modern news. Modern news. This is just gonna be modern news. Yes, modern news for real now. Wow. news. It's going to be about your local councilman. So David Lewis, he met his partner Anna Friel during production of this movie.

She's lady, what's her name and face? Yeah, et cetera. Yeah. And now they're together for almost a decade, so that's cool. And Pierce Brosnan turned down the role of Andre Marrick for Jerry Butler. Jerry Butler was maybe nearly bond for a second. Oh yeah, that's true. Or he was up for it.

Anyways, on a budget of $80 million, this second. Oh, yeah, that's true. He was up for it Anyways on a budget of 80 million dollars this made forty three point nine That's less critically maligned one of Dick Donner's least popular movies The last movie he did was just after this was 16 blocks, which is a Bruce Willis action movie Yeah, most stuff is in that. It's pretty good. So at least he didn't go out on this. That's correct Yes, you know, yeah that feels like a like a diehard movie, like the real kind of final diehard, I feel. Yeah, kind of. Other people say that as well. I mean, when you think that a lot of the diehard movies are just like a different book or a

Wired article turned into a diehard movie. Yeah, yeah, exactly. It could very well have been. Yeah. But we should have done this every week, Mason. It's too late now, obviously, but what did Michael Crichton think of this movie? Oh, yeah, exactly. It could very well have been. Yeah, but we should have done this every week Mason. It's too late now obviously But what did Michael Crichton think of this movie? Oh, yeah, he hated it. Interesting. Apparently he refused to license any more of his movies based on his novels Maybe he shouldn't have said hey make this as quickly as you can. For free. Yeah

I don't care about results unless they're bad results. This is actually the last Michael Crichton movie adaptation if you don't count the Jurassic World movies. I don't! You don't have to. There has been TV adaptations, there was obviously Westworld Again, the Andromeda Strain happened. Is that what it was called? Yeah, the Andromeda Strain happened. Just a guy telling the story of the Andromeda Strain on a park bench. And the current agreement is that any films based on Crichton's work must go through his widow Sherry Crichton, so that's kind of where we're at. There are a number of Crichton things in the works that haven't quite materialized as of yet Spielberg, Spielberg, Spielberg, Spielberg, Robot Spielberg, AI Spielberg, Bore One in like 2009, etc But what I think is interesting about Michael Crichton, if we're bringing this to conclusion and maybe I'll fuck it

Maybe we'll do the 13th Warrior next week. Maybe we'll do the 13th Warrior. Is that also a... It is yes. It is but is that also a like a rebound director? A massive bomb yes. Is that I think that one some people have said that's better than that. It's actually apparently alright from what I've heard yeah. Okay alright and that was directed by... Oh John McTiernan did that one. John McTiernan yeah. Damn Die Hard's John McTiernan. Die Hard's John McTiernan. Alright, let us know below if you want us to do this if you're still here.

I think he's got a really interesting legacy because he was a champion of science and he dabbled in like video game development and books and he directed movies and all of that and he warned like humanity of the dangers of meddling and technology and things going too far. Well maybe you should have warned us a bit harder Michael Crichton. Well he was also a bit of a climate change denier. He was a friend of the Bush administration and who knows maybe if he had lived that would have all turned around and he would have been like, hey. Or it could have gotten worse.

People are always like, well what if John Lennon was still alive, maybe he would be alive. Yeah but maybe he'd be the kind of guy who's saying everything's too woke now. You know what I mean? Who's to say? We don't know. It's probably that one though. But look, we could talk about the legacy of Michael Crichton and who he was as a man. But the only thing I really want to talk about is that time he used the small penis rule in his writing. What does that mean? Are you familiar with this? You've had the surgery, right? The narrowing surgery?

Yeah, I've had everything. You have to. You have to. You've got to get everything narrowed that you can get narrowed. Otherwise, how are you gonna get through a door? That's right. I don't know what this theory is. What is this? So the small penis rule is an informal strategy used by authors to evade libel lawsuits. Huh. So in 2006, there was a dispute between Michael Crowley, a book critic, and Michael Crichton. And Crowley alleged that after he wrote an unflattering review of Crichton's novel State of Fear, Crichton included a character called Mick Crowley in the novel Next. I see where you're going with this. So that fictional character is described as having a small penis, if I had to guess.

A child rapist with a small penis. So then the critic would never ever claim. Yeah, this character was based on him. That would be him admitting Yeah, small penis. I get it exactly, but it also wouldn't work apparently according to Professor Michael Conklin He wasn't the only one who's used this a couple people have because by saying somebody has a small penis You're also defaming them. So that didn't have to be like not us You didn't have to come out and say, I'm not a child rapist, but then they're not going to be like, well, but prove you have a regular sized penis. Like it's not a real, it's more of a dig than anything. It's not a real legal loophole. There's a somewhat similar but different...

You're talking about the Tom Cruise... I'm talking about, yeah, in American Psycho, the original novel by Bret Easton Ellis, Patrick Bateman, who's a kind of, you know, he's the titular American Psycho. Sure. I think Bret Easton Ellis was concerned that his description of him would remind people of Tom Cruise, and that would lead to some legal action. So in the book, Patrick Bateman meets Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise has an apartment in his apartment building. Yeah.

So what's going on there? I don't know, what was his penis like? It's impossible to say. I mean, he's from, he's in Hollywood, so you gotta do it. He got the wide, dude. Yeah, maybe. Maybe.

But then how would he fit through his apartment door? Great point. Isn't it though? It's probably the best penis in Hollywood, whatever that looks like. Most certainly. Yeah, it's got the most abs on it, whatever that looks like. Most certainly. It's got the most abs on it. That's right.

Anyways, if you don't want to see these videos early, whatever that ends up being, let us know below. You can actually head over to BigSandwich.co, where in addition to early videos, we do video game let's plays, we do bonus podcasts, we do movie commentaries. Sometimes we talk about the movie timeline. We've done that? Yeah, that's now. That's now.

In our timeline. That's right. We also have a podcast called The weekly planet where we talk movies and comics and TV shows that comes out there every Sunday if you are interested add free or it's got its own YouTube channels on Spotify It's on Apple on regular platforms. It's on all sorts of regular We talked the movie news and the news and then the modern news the new Did we cover the modern news just then you said we were going to to. The penis thing is that's modern. That's modern news. Yeah, yeah. So that's good, isn't it?

That is good. This is a big penis wake. It was penis heavy, wasn't it? Or penis light, depending on whether you've had the surgery or not, I guess. And you got it. You gotta get it. You gotta look streamlined, you know? And thanks to Ben and Lawrence for the edit.

Thank you, Ben and Lawrence. And we'll see you in the next one. Bye. Probably 13th Warrior, whatever we said. Yeah, why am I doing this? I don't know man. It's your algorithm. I don't know