The Weekly Planet - What If Luke Skywalker Died? - Caravan Of Garbage

Episode Date: December 20, 2017

Hey here's a thing. What if Luke Skywalker died in Empire Strikes Back? That's what this week's Caravan Of Garbage looks at the death of Luke Skywalker in Star Wars Infinities, The Empire Strikes Back. Don't forget to check out the video version: https://goo.gl/7tfmz8. It's really something.SUBSCRIBE HERE ►► http://bit.ly/1IQB3khVideo Version ► https://goo.gl/7tfmz8The Last Jedi Easter Eggs ► https://t.co/H4H0ajJjlGTwitter ► http://twitter.com/mrsundaymoviesFacebook ► http://facebook.com/mrsundaymoviesBuy Star Wars Saga Amazon ► https://amzn.to/2nc12P4Patreon ► https://patreon.com/mrsundaymoviesT-Shirts/Merch ► https://www.teepublic.com/stores/mr-sunday-movies Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

As women, our life stages come with unique risk factors, like when our estrogen levels drop during menopause, causing the risk of heart disease to go up. Know your risks. Visit heartandstroke.ca. FX's The Veil explores the surprising and fraught relationship between two women who play a deadly game of truth and lies on the road from Istanbul to Paris and London. One woman has a secret.

The other, a mission to reveal it before thousands of lives are lost. FX's The Veil, starring Elizabeth Moss, is now streaming on Disney+. It's like an NPR podcast now. In what sense? Because there's going to be sound effects. I don't do that. Okay. Mason, I don't know if you recall, but last year we looked at an amount...

Oh, welcome to Caravan of Garbage. We're doing a comic. Last year we looked... Oh, no. What an incredible intro for the new viewers and listeners. Wowzers. Okay. So basically, sometimes we do video games.

We're doing a lot of video games lately. But every now and then in Caravan of Garbage you take a comic from the past that tells an amazing story. It could be amazing in a good way or a bad way. This one I'm not entirely sure about, Mason. All right. I'm going to throw it to you, though. Wrap it to me.

Turn your chair around. Oh, no. Put your cap on backwards. Oh, no. Put your clothes on backwards, crisscross style, and tell me all about this thing. And I'll tell you objectively, having not seen or heard about it, whether it's good or not.

I'm excited for this. Okay. Star Wars Infinities, we touched on that last year. It's a trilogy of Star Wars comics which tells alternate timeline narratives. Yes. But based on tweaking one thing from that particular movie. But they're not connected. They're not connected. So the first one, first one if i recall was a new hope yep and basically what happens is

at the end of the real new hope luke skywalker fires his proton torpedo into the death star but in this version it doesn't go off he fires it directly into the death star missing malfunctions or something. Yes. So this isn't a continuation of that. It's a continuation of the original Star Wars. Yes. So it deviates from Empire Strikes Back. Would you like me to get this underway?

If you could. Fantastic. Okay, so like I said, Empire Strikes Back, it starts the same way the film does. The rebels are hiding on Hoth. A bit chilly. A bit chilly. Luke's hiding out in the uh luke's

in the snow he's like i think i see a probe droid or whatever and then in the process of him looking at the probe droid that the wampa attacks him and swats him off his uh he's taunting he's taunting yeah and then uh and then he's off he's dragged off into the cave right so the same thing he's hung upside down he escapes he runs into the snow han Han's like, I've got to go find Luke. And then by the time he gets to Luke, Luke dies in his arms. Oh, wow. Wait, of what? Just general wounding?

Yeah, he ended up being, from whatever happened, he's like five minutes late and Luke dies. Okay, so if I may, there's an emerging trend in these infinities. Yeah. The first one was the incompetence of Luke and his proton torpedo firing skill. But in this one, it's the incompetence of Luke and his basic survival skills.

Yes, correct. So in this particular version, he rubbed his hands together maybe one time less and it killed him. And it killed him, exactly. Now, before he dies, though, he has the vision from Obi-Wan who says, like, go to Dagobah.

I'm sorry, go to Dagobah. Luke, Luke, you're in a lot of trouble here, but take off all your clothes. You know it makes sense. So, but before he dies, he says to Han, go to Dagobah system, train as a Jedi with Yoda and Han takes that as oh I'll be a Jedi so that's how he interprets that well you always you always maintain that Han Solo is force sensitive right yeah there's a few little things that hint towards that

like the way he can fly there's a bit the way he can fly that's a big clue that's a big clue there's a moment in there's always I don't know if you've seen it there's a big clue that's a big clue there's a moment in there's always I don't know if you've seen it there's a few director's cuts where anytime he he goes through a door like he before the scene transition

he just flies away into the sky he's like look everyone I'm flying there's a moment in The Force Awakens where he shoots a stormtrooper

without looking yeah I just think it's a possibility obviously he's not it's just a little fan theory but I think I get where you're going with that but he's not. It's just a little fan theory. But I think that, yeah, no, I get where you're going with that, but I also feel like that's just a fun little, you know,

that's the fun little quirk of like he's been doing this for so long he can shoot a stormtrooper. Yeah. They're such clay pigeon targets that he can just knock them over without looking. But okay, I'm willing to do this. Wait, so how does, so Luke tells him go to Dagobah. Yeah.

Okay, right. He doesn't scrawl it to Dagobah. Yeah. Okay, right. He doesn't scrawl it on his naked body. No, he doesn't. Okay, all right. But you can't rule it out. You definitely can't rule it out. So anyway, so Han and Han Chewie and Leia and the two droids, they escape as Hoth, as Vader comes in, same as they did,

except R2 was normally with Luke. Now he's not. Wait a minute. How? How do they bloody get rid of the Adats? Well, Luke barely helped. He took down one, remember? Didn't he figure it out?

Didn't he figure out the- No. Is that standard procedure? Wedge takes one down. Oh, never mind then. And Luke takes another one down because he's running across the snow and he- Porkins? Porkins is well dead.

He's dead. I was going to say, yeah. That was a test and you passed the test. Porkins is dead. So instead of going... I thought maybe they could throw Porkins out as a lure of some sort. Yeah, right. He's the fish.

You know how when you go fishing, you put a weight on the end? Yeah. You put Porkins on the end of the line. That's what they love. That's what they love to eat. AT-AT. Yeah, that's what I thought. So anyway, they go to Cloud City as they normally do,

and they're followed by Boba Fett. The difference being here, they get there before the Empire. Because without the dead weight of Luke Skywalker. Without the dead weight of Luke Skywalker. Well, they never had the dead weight of Luke Skywalker. No, but they went to the asteroid field, and there was a few steps before they went there. Right, okay.

And maybe, I don't know. Look, I don't know the specifics of it. I can't remember. They get there first. And Lando's like, like yeah I'll help you out sure and then he is

oh there's Boba Fett ships coming in so Lando walks in the room and Boba Fett's just sitting there in his New Zealand glory helmet off helmet off helmet off

hello and he's like get me Han Solo that was right was this was this produced right in the era of this was after

Attack of the Clones right so they were like we're gonna show this off. We're doing Helmet Off. Yeah, we're doing Helmet Off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So anyway, they kind of get the jump on him and he pulls a gun on Lando

and Han Solo kind of adds a bit of a tussle and then Chewbacca just picks him up and throws him into the wall like he's nothing. It looks like he's dead. He's not. He's just knocked out. Boba Fett's muddled his way through yet again. To being knocked out. Yeah. When you. Boba Fett's muddled his way through yet again. To being knocked out.

Yeah. When you say Boba Fett draws his gun, he draws his gun and immediately flies out of his grip. Yeah, that's right. Oh, I shouldn't have eaten these chicken wings. My hands are so slippery. So then Han and Chewie and Leia and that, they leave, they're like, thanks for the hyperdrive, see you later.

Darth Vader calls Lando and he's like, hey, where's Boba Fett? What's going on? And Lando's like, I don't know what you're talking about, man. He's nowhere. And you see him leaning on his cool new desk. You look under the desk. It's Boba Fett frozen in carbonite. Oh, that's good.

Helmet on. Yeah. I don't know why. And then Darth Vader shoots Cloud City out of the sky and Lando dies. Well, I think he dies because he's cape, you just see his cape kind of fluttering away. But then later you see Darth Vader, he's on the phone with the Emperor and he's like, I don't know what you're talking about. And then it pans down and Lando's in carbonite.

That's it. So anyway, they arrive at Dagobah. Han goes up to Yoda and Yoda's like, hi, I'm Yoda. There's no pretense. All right. Okay. He plays no games. Good.

Because I think he knows that Luke's dead. He's like, we're going to get things into gear here. Yeah. He was my kind of, he was one of the hopes of the galaxy and he died in the snow, the fucking idiot. So Han goes, I'm ready to train. And Yoda's like, no, you suck. Leia's training.

Beat it. And Han Solo's like, oh, come on, man. He's like, you're good at nothing. You're a smuggler. I don't want you. Wow. Yeah, so it's pretty harsh. Is that some sort of elaborate double bluff?

No. So he wants to train harder. No. Oh. So Leia decides to- Is it an elaborate double bluff because he wants chewbacca to defend him and then it was revealed that chewbacca has force powers no none of that nobody nobody there's no double or triple bluff it's a it's a regular it's a it's a regular sentence

with no does r2d2 ever just tase yoda for no reason no he doesn't tase the thing there's no pretense oh he just straight up tells you c Does C-3PO have the force? No. Nobody except Leia and Luke's corpse has the force. Oh, that's a shame. And Darth Vader and the Emperor. That's hardly relevant at this point. So anyway, Han goes, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to go pay my debt with Jabba the Hutt.

And Yoda immediately sits down with Princess Leia and goes, listen, the reason you can do this is because you're Luke Skywalker's sister. Also, Darth Vader's your father. You're going to train as a Jedi. You haven't done anything inappropriate with Luke at any point, have you? Well, no, because he died before that happened. So that never happened. That's true.

Yeah. So yeah. So it's kind of good again that he just tells her. He's like, this is information you need. Yeah. There's no time for this. In my opinion, there's never been any time for this riddling around. You know what I mean?

Yeah. I don't disagree. Stop playing games, Yoda. Yeah. You senile old bitch. It's now canonical. You senile old bitch. It's now canonical.

Yes. That that senile old bitch you're talking about in a Star Wars story, he never wanted to train Luke. He always wanted to train Leia. And when Obi-Wan brings him Luke he has a conversation with Obi-Wan's ghost where he's like

this guy sucks I wanted the other one and Obi-Wan's like this is what you get that's canonical now that's canonical oh yeah

so what do you think of that so Leia's probably better at the fort why does he not want to because he's too mad he's so angry Luke's angry at everything and Leia's she's pretty chill

I mean obviously Luke's gonna be mad and Leia's more cool and calm headed. Oh, she's pretty chill. I mean, obviously Luke's going to be mad because his mentor Obi-Wan was killed. Yeah. But Leia's going to be chill because the only people who were killed in her life were everyone she's ever met in a whole planet. But how chill was she after it happened though? Really chill. Really chill. Chill like a psychopath.

Yeah. So anyway, Han goes to Tatooine. He goes right to Jabba's palace where he gets captured and he gets taken there. Side note. Sure. And this will probably, this is going to date this. But does the fact that Luke, does the fact that Yoda wanted to only train Leia point to Luke being the bad guy? I don't think so.

Okay. All right. All right. I don't know. Just questioning everything. Question everything. Just pretty woke over here. Yeah, you're very woke. Okay, all right. All right. I don't know. Just questioning everything. Question everything. Just pretty woke over here. Yeah, you're very woke, Mason.

You're the most woke person I've ever seen. Woke bloke, number one woke bloke. For a dumbass. All right. So anyway, yeah, Han goes to Tatooine. He gets captured. He goes straight to Jabba the Hutt, and he's like, listen, you don't need to capture me.

I'm here to pay. FX's The Veil explores the surprising and fraught relationship between two women who play a deadly game of truth and lies on the road from istanbul to paris and london one woman has a secret the other a mission to reveal it before thousands of lives are lost fx is the veil starring eliz Elizabeth Moss is now streaming on Disney+. The debt and Jabba's like, you're an idiot, you're captured. I don't want your money.

I want your love. Like the song, you know. Put on this skimpy outfit. Dance. But no, he puts him in the rancor pit. He doesn't have the rancor yet. He's got two of those rat monsters from Attack of the Clones. Remember the arena? arena oh yeah like big spiky face the takeaway from this for me is that the rancor is a recent addition yes did he always have the rancor keeper did the rancor come with the rancor keeper yeah they're a package deal oh he didn't want the rancor keeper

because he smells weird and he never wears a shirt that's true true. Yeah. You only want the Rancor, mate. Yeah. Weird oily barrel, man. It's like if you want the rainbow, you've got to put up with the rain, you know? That's that expression. That's so true. That is so true. So anyway, Han and Chewie escape and those rats escape and they're attacking everybody.

So Han and Chewbacca don't escape on the rats? No, they just bust out. R2 opens a door and whatever. Cool. But they leave C-3PO behind as the translator by accident, I guess because Han doesn't care about rats. By accident. He's pretty annoying.

And then Darth Vader shows up and he goes, hey, I'm looking for Luke Skywalker. You know what would be my favourite? If I can just dial it back for a second. Sure. Remember in Return of the Jedi when we think all hope is lost in this scene and Luke's like, how's Luke going to get out of this? He's going to be killed.

And then R2-D2 shows up and he fires the lightsaber out and Luke grabs it and lights it up. I think it would be much better if this version is even more, it would be even more exciting if you think that Han's going to be killed, you think he's going to finally be executed, and R2-D2 rolls up and he fires the thing out of his chassis and it's a second vest. Han puts on a second vest and he's even more ready to attack, you know?

I forgot to mention this. There's a moment that cuts to Vader and he's going planet to planet looking for Luke, and one of the officers is like, Hey, is Luke here? No, I'm all right. And one of the officers is like, all our intel points towards that he's dead.

And Vader's like, you take that back. You son of a bitch. He's not dead. I can sense somebody in the galaxy. It's not bloody true. Shut your trap. He's dead.

He's dead. He's wrong. He's like, yeah, I can fit. I can sense the presence, man. I sense the presence every day, bro.

So I beat it, you know? Yeah, yeah. So anyway, he goes to Tatooine. He goes to Jabba the Hutt. He's like, what happened to Han Solo? He's like, yeah, he fucked off. And he goes, that droid, give me that droid. Because that's my droid.

So he takes C-3PO into his ship and he's like- Because they were high on prequels. You better believe they were. They're like Anakin. Remember Anakin? Yeah. The lovable Anakin. He makes his little dro. Exactly. And they're like Anakin. Remember Anakin? Yeah. The lovable Anakin. He makes his little droids.

It's his kit droid. That's right. He doesn't build his own droid. No. He sits 3PO down and he's like, listen, just FYI between you and me, I built you. And C-3PO's like, okay. He doesn't react. Sure.

You think he would? You think he'd have some kind of existential crisis? And then he goes goes where's he's the droid most likely to have an existential crisis of any of the droids yeah so he goes where is everybody where are your friends and he pulls him apart and gets the information out of him so he's on his way to dagobah meanwhile leia's been training the whole time she's killing it man she's chopping rocks in half and doing flips she's got yoda gave her a purple lightsaber. Nice.

But he's like, you can't have this. You've got to go get your own crystal. So go get the crystal. Just put it in the same lightsaber. That's fine. So as she goes, Darth Vader walks up. Oh, and she's like, oh, this is probably some sort of spiritual test because he's a metaphor for the ultimate fear that I face.

Exactly. You know? I'm going to, you know what, I'll just turn my back on him and his face will explode off and it'll be my own face. So I'm not even going to worry about it. No, no, she's gone by the time he rolls in. So, you know, they shoot some lightning at each other or whatever for a bit. And then Yoda goes into his mind.

And in Vader's mindscape... His mind palace, if you will. His mind palace, yeah. He fights the ghost of Obi-Wan, the ghost of Mace Windu, the ghost of Qui-Gon, and they're chipping away at his armor. And it's revealed young Anakin Skywalker underneath. Just to be clear, he's still horribly scarred. This is a metaphor.

It's a metaphor, Mace. It's a visual horribly scarred this is a metaphor it's a metaphor mason it's a visual metaphor so is it a metaphor a mace windu and qui-gon still alive or is that are they also a metaphor i don't know it's not then so their force goes or they're a metaphor they're all metaphors it doesn't matter what do you want it to be uh i want them to be real okay they're real they're real people okay cool they're all alive and it's all real. Nice. Good. Good.

You know what? I think this is kind of... I'm almost ready to make a decision whether this is good or bad. But I'll hear out more. Yeah. See if you can change my mind to good again.

So Vader's just reduced to like... You're riding so high on prequel artists. You better believe it. Well, you're going to love this then. Oh, no. So Vader's reduced to just a cape uh the cape as a metaphor but for real it's it's a metaphor or it's a real cape it's whatever you want okay and this time i wanted to be a metaphor okay the cape uh comes off and it's is he a little boy it's a little boy yeah that's right

yeah and he's like i'm so afraid and you're just like don't be afraid everything's cool and then he's like i'm gonna kill you. And Yoda's like, don't be afraid. Everything's cool. And then he's like, I'm going to kill you. And he's got like the devil eyes. You know, his eyes turn black and he goes to choke Yoda. So he... Did young Anakin Skywalker ever have the devil eyes? I don't know, man. It's a metaphor.

All right. Or it's real. So that was an elaborate ruse. Maybe. Or maybe he had a moment of weakness and then snapped out of it. Okay. So then he's back in the real world. He cuts Yoda's arm off.

Yoda's very upset. Did Yoda have a lightsaber or a stick? No, he had nothing. He had a stick. Okay. And then Leia comes back and she's like, no, you cut off Yoda's arm. Yoda's not dead yet, Mason.

He does die. Spoiler alert. Oh, come on. And they're fighting. They're fairly evenly matched. And he gives his speech. Do you want to do the speech? What would the speech be hello yep um it's a bit more eloquent hello yeah sure no no don't give me the speech

it's like hey why don't you join join the dark side what do you think of this yeah uh we could the galaxy menu what do you think of of all that you're my daughter. What do you want to, have a red lightsaber. No, she's got a blue one now. She's got a new crystal for no reason. Oh, yeah, I see. What, you're listening, Mason? No. Yeah, fair enough.

Anyway, just as they're fighting and he's looming over, and she doesn't look like she's going to lose, but Han Solo's suddenly there and just shoots Vader in the side of the head. That's classic. That is absolutely classic Han Solo. He'll come in, he'll shoot a TIE fighter from a trench or whatever. Shoot a man in the side of the head. That is absolutely classic Han Solo. He'll come in, he'll shoot a TIE fighter from a trench or whatever. Shoot a man in the side of the head. Yeah.

He can do it all. As Vader lays dying, he's all, Oh, I'm a good person now. Everything's okay. I'm going to go to heaven. Now he does it. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he does it. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Yeah.

So he does. Yeah. What? There was no redemption there at all. No. No. I mean, yeah. No.

He really goes to Jedi heaven. Well, he's crying and he's like, everything's okay. I've got a daughter. That is classic bad bloke behavior. Yeah. Where he's like, oh, I finally realised I did the wrong thing because I'm dead now. He's not... That's the atheist on his deathbed.

He's not sorry for being a bad bloke. He's sorry that he got caught. He's sorry that he got shot in the head. Shot in the head is what I meant. That's right. So anyway, then Yoda dies. He's like, good job. Galaxy is still fucked, so get out. He out get on that yeah you could fix that and so leia says my work's not done

and then luke appears in smoke in a fire just his face yep he contributed nothing to this comic but he's there and then uh the emperor's still alive i guess and the comic ends so it's unresolved there's no continuation of this. That's how this story ends. This is one of the worst Star Wars stories I've ever heard for any number of reasons. Number one right there is this is like Empire Strikes Back where the cliffhanger will never, ever be resolved.

Yeah, right. Because there's no... Because I assume the next Infinity's Return of the Jedi will not cut... It'll be a different... Yeah, it's a different story. It'll be Luke accidentally killing himself in another amusing way.

I assume what's going to happen at the start of the next one is Luke is going to go to Jabba's palace to rescue everybody. Yeah. And then R2-D2 is going to fire that lightsaber out and it's going to light in midair and just cut his head. It's going to javelin through his head. So that's not satisfying.

But also, we're never going to get an ending to this. So that's bad. And also, man, they were in love with those prequels. Boy, were they. I quite like the first Infinities. I've got a video on it. You can check it out. This one, I think it's got some good ideas but

not not as much i know do you like the bit where he was a little boy no did you like the bit where luke died in the snow why would they ever think even as those movies are coming out you should they they must have been like we don't want to revisit this ever but they were brought they were brushing that under the carpet yeah as it was coming out of the cinema. Right, yeah. So bearing in mind though, Mason, this is a legend story, which means it didn't happen because it's regulated to Star Wars Legends, but even within the Star Wars Legends universe, it also didn't happen. Oh, for sure.

And even in the real Star Wars universe when they're telling stories around the campfire that maybe they happened and maybe they didn't, they're leaving this one till the end. This is scraping the bottom of the barrel of stories. Yeah, right, yeah. Anyway, that's Caravan of Garbage. There's a whole lot of others you can check out. We also do a podcast called The Weekly Planet.

It comes out every Monday and there's videos here every Sunday, Tuesday, Thursday, and maybe some other Caravan of Garbage stuff coming up real soon. That's almost every day of the year yeah and you've promised a video for every day

of the year next year I have correct I'll never stop never stop alright thanks for watching or listening

I also thank you for watching or listening no just watching okay use all your senses it's the Jedi way. True.

See you next time. Grab that jam, you guys. We'll see you later. Bye. FX is the Veil explores the surprising and fraught relationship between two women who play a deadly game of truth and lies on the road from Istanbul to Paris and London. One woman has a secret, the other, a mission to reveal it

before thousands of lives are lost. FX's The Veil, starring Elizabeth Moss, is now streaming on Disney+. Hi.