The Weekly Planet - What If The Death Star Wasn't Destroyed? - Caravan Of Garbage

Episode Date: November 24, 2016

Caravan Of Garbage is made possible because of by Loot Crate. Visit www.lootcrate.com/weeklyplanet for 3 dollars off any subscription.Welcome to a very special Star Wars themed season of Caravan of Garbage, the show where we delve into the past to uncover some of the hidden forgotten gems. A comic! A movie! A game! Who knows? This week, an alternate take on Star Wars: A New Hope where the Death Star was never destroyed. Twist.Video Edition ► https://goo.gl/3mBmd2Amazon affiliate link: https://amzn.to/2nc12P4Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/mrsundaymoviesMr Sunday Movies YouTube Channel: https://goo.gl/lB90W2The Weekly Planet YouTube Channel: https://goo.gl/1ZQFGHFind our T-Shirts here: https://goo.gl/q6gE9C Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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sunrisechallenge.ca that's sunrisechallenge.ca mason these audio editions of caravan of garbage are brought to you by our favorite sponsor i shouldn't say favorite you're gonna leave this in yeah look okay i'll say this you know what they're bloody up there man i like them a lot. They send us a lot of good stuff. They've been very kind to us. You know what? I'll say they're my favourite. There you go.

For these episodes in particular. That's the spirit. Yeah. Wait, who are they? Loot Crate. Loot Crate. Did I not say that? You didn't say that, no.

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three bucks off linked below lootcrate welcome to a very special series of Caravan of Garbage, Star Wars themed. A trilogy of wondrous tales where we look into the past and uncover some garbage or something pretty good. A hidden gem perhaps, Mason? Nah, probably not though. This time though, maybe.

Because have you ever heard of Star Wars Infinities? No. Let me tell you about it. It's a trilogy of comics from a few years back where they take the original saga of Star Wars and they change one element of it, so it's like a diverging timeline. Today, I want to take us through the version of A New Hope

where things are a little bit different. Luke Skywalker's dead. That's not true. But it does happen in the second one. But we're not talking about that today. Shut up about it. But I...

Oh. I leapt into that like you were going to cut me off, but then you didn't cut me off. Sorry. No, that's all right. We're not always in sync. No. Okay. So basically, imagine the events of Star Wars.

What if it wasn't a moisture farm? What if it was a dryness farm? So it's on the ocean? No, no, it's still on Tatooine, the very, very dry planet. Right. Yeah. It's just real dry. Just even drier.

Imagine the events of Star Wars, Mason, playing out as you imagined. So like, you know, the big ship chases the small ship at the start. Oh, yes. Death Star plans get stolen. The big ship chases the small ship at the start. Death Star plans get stolen. An old man mentors a young man whose father he maimed and left in a fiery, fiery pit. I love it.

All those kinds of things. And everything goes exactly the same as per usual, except at the point at the Death Star trench run. So Luke fires the proton torpedoes. They go in. They go to fly off. And everyone's like, yeah, we bloody did it. And there's the big dun, dun, dun, dun dun let's stop that but you remember and then the death star

doesn't explode immediately by and uh wait no wait can we do it again sure do the dramatic one. It's not his fault. It's not his fault. It didn't work. That's right. As they're narrowly escaping all the tie fighters tarkin's like just fire on that bloody rebel base yeah destroy that oh yeah like we can still do yeah everything's operational that's right but the guy's like but sir we're not

at full capacity or whatever it's going to take a few minutes to uh to kind of gear up and he's like nah it's fine so they so they fire into the planet they don't destroy the whole planet but they like tear up the base giving the rebels a chance to escape. And as they're escaping, they blow up the planet for real. They capture all of the rebel alliance, including Princess Leia. Probably shouldn't have kept them all on the same planet. Nah, probably not. And in doing so, Luke and Han are like, let's get out of here.

Well, it's more Han. Sure. And Luke's like, yeah, I guess so. It turns out that Luke, you know, it's not his fault because he didn't miss the torpedo malfunctioned in the uh in the in the tube in the exhaust port in the chimney i think it's a chimney yeah that's right yeah chimney it's chimney sorry yeah so this is more uh this is more like a michael clayton-esque class action lawsuit movie that's right they find the proton torpedo manufacturer and they sue them. That's it.

Great. So they rendezvous on the Millennium Falcon and Han's like, jeez, bloody hell, that was rough. We gave it a shot. Hey, do you want to run away together forever because we have to now? And Luke's like, how dare you? You're supposed to be a hero, you son of a bitch. And he pulls a lightsaber on Han, right?

And Ben Kenobi's ghost steps in and he's like, whoa, whoa, come on. No, no, do the voice. Whoa, whoa. Thank you. Come on. Cool it, guys. Take a chill pill. He goes, listen, you need to go get bloody trained by Yoda

because you're out of control, mate. You need to get yourself in check. And as he's telling him this, you see Han Solo like holster his blaster. Like he was going to shoot Luke. I love it. Or Kenobi. Yeah, I guess. Well, I don't think he can see him.

So he's just like, he's gone mad. He took a, he was going to swing at me and then he turned to nothing and had a conversation. Yeah. So Han takes Luke to Dagobah and they run into Yoda and Yoda does this thing where he's like, oh, I've only got one voice. Yeah, right. Come into my hut. Once you're locked in, it's hard to get out of the one voice.

That's the way it goes. And he's like, you know, come and eat food with me and whatever. And I'll take you to Yoda eventually. And Luke's like, oh, this is frustrating. And Han's like, yeah, this is a con. So he sees right through it immediately. He's like this weird little Muppet man. That's Yoda. And, you know, Yoda's kind's like, this weird little Muppet man, that's Yoda.

And, you know, Yoda's kind of like, ah, I had a whole thing going. I had 20 years to plan this, to plan this little bit, but it didn't work out. Vader then takes Leia to the Emperor. I'm presuming the rest of the Rebel Alliance are killed. They are not seen from again. Ackbar. Gone. I mean, we never see him. We never see never say he's not in that movie but we also we the only one we see again is 3po and artidot is with with luke and that's and that's and that's

kind of it so i take him to the emperor and the emperor is like oh i've never had a pet why don't you why don't you bloody stay with us or whatever forever she's like ah you're you're a prick and he's like yeah but so vader gives uh 3po to her, and she's kind of like, oh, that's nice, and gives her Kenobi's lightsaber because remember from – Oh, sure. He left it on the Death Star when he cut him into – Oh, yeah, sure. Cut him into –

He didn't leave it on the Death Star, technically. Well, it was his choice. Was it? You can't take it with you when you die, Mason. So true. Yeah. So any murder weapons you have, use them while you can. That's right.

Because when you're gone, who are you going to murder? Nobody. So she uses that opportunity to kind of take a swing at Vader and like showdown. He kind of like bats her away, but he's like,

she's bloody, bloody strong in the force, you know. Maybe we could maybe rule the galaxy together or whatever. He just plants a seed and he's like, I'm just going to leave that there.

I'll come back. But you just give that some thought, yeah? Whole galaxy? Whole galaxy? Whole galaxy for you or I kills you. I'll put back. But you just give that some thought, yeah? Whole galaxy? Whole galaxy. Whole galaxy for you or I kills you. I'll put that down.

You can pick it up if you choose to. Meanwhile, Luke's doing flips and shit in Dagobah, in the swamp or whatever. And Han's like, you know, this is boring. Well, he's got nothing to do.

No, he doesn't. He's got nobody to run about in a backpack. He certainly does. Oh, what if... Chewie's there. No, I was going to say, no, I mean, certainly does. Oh, what if... Chewie's there. I was going to say, no, I mean, that's fine, but what if Luke is wearing the backpack

and Yoda and Han are both in the backpack? He can become a more powerful Jedi than ever before. I'd imagine so. That's some unconventional training. I think it would pay off. So Han's like, I'm leaving. I hate this. This place sucks.

Luke's like, I'll come with you because there's things that I feel like I want to do or whatever. Wait, did Luke have to pull the Millennium Falcon out of this one? No, because Han's a good pilot. See, that's missing an essential element of the test. I'm sure it was originally in there, but you see other elements of the test as well, kind of. Weird cave monsters and stuff and whatever.

Nice. Ben, Kenobi and Yoda convince Luke not to go, which is the opposite of what happens in bloody the other one. Oh, yeah. The Empire. The real one. The real one. The one that counts.

Yeah, and then Luke does the cave trial. So he goes in there. Same thing. Yoda's like, don't take your weapons. And Luke's like, I will. And he does. And Vader appears and they have that bloody showdown. And he decapitates him as he did last time,

which I still think that's okay. He had a right to defend himself. Yeah, right? Yeah. What was the other option? What was going to happen? Sabacc tournament. Oh, test of wills.

Test of wills, yeah. No, I have no idea. We don't really know. What do other people see in that cave? I think it depends literally what you bring in there. So if you bring in like a slice of birthday cake, nice little surprise or a clown or a clown i could go any number of ways but yeah but when the mask explodes yes it's not luke skywalker's face it's princess leia's face and he's like vision or whatever you know makes no sense makes no sense definitely never been in that suit. But all right. Smash Cut Mason.

Or Star White. Star White. Five years later. The Imperials are celebrating five years apiece. With that birthday cake you made earlier. Exactly. Imagine an Imperial office party. Because you don't want to be at an office party anyway.

It would be the greatest cake, wouldn't it? Yeah, exactly. And also, if you don't find the right level of enjoying yourself, you're probablyest cake, wouldn't it? Yeah, exactly. And also, if you don't find the right level of enjoying yourself, you're probably going to get forced to it. Yeah, probably.

Thrown into like a trash compactor or something. Oh, yeah. That's a grey cake, you're right. Even if it's a rainbow cake, it's just various levels of grey. Shades of grey, yeah.

So Leia's now an Imperial figurehead. So she's given a speech how she's like, I used to bloody be in the Rebellion. They're all probably dead, but now I'm with the Empire and that's great. We're all great, aren't we? And everyone's like, yeah used to bloody be in the rebellion. They're all probably dead, but now I'm with the Empire,

and that's great. We're all great, aren't we? And everyone's like, yeah, yep. Yeah, we're great. Back on Dagobah, Luke looks great. He's wearing his Return of the Jedi robes, you know, the black ones. Where'd he get them? Exactly.

Right? Because there's no shop. Maybe it might just be five years of accumulated grease on his white robes that have turned completely black. Do not touch those robes. They are very oily. So he goes back into the cave again. He gets another shot and he wins this time.

Vader does appear and he has a freak out kind of vision and he sees like the Emperor and Leia and whatever could be in the future or whatever. But then Vader disappears for whatever reason. And then he turns around and Han Solo's there and he's like, I'm bloody back. It's been five years. How you doing? And he picks up a snake and he's like, I'm not afraid of snakes because he's different

than Indiana Jones. They're different characters. They're exactly the same character. They're exactly the same character in a way. Does that really happen? That actually happens. That's very odd. What, do you think that would have been like a joke?

I was trying to like a really poorly handled joke that I was putting in. Yes. I thought, look, it joke I was trying to, like a really poorly handled joke that I was putting in? Yeah, fair enough. Look, it's much more likely that it's a really poorly handled joke that you've said off the cuff on a podcast, as opposed to a really poorly handled joke, an official piece of Star Wars storyline. Sure, absolutely. I can't argue with that.

Wait, what was he doing in the last five years? Oh, he was just kind of flittering about, running from, he's still on the run from Jabba the Hutt and whatever. Why is he back? Because he's, oh, that's right, because he sees Leia on the television and he's like on the run from jabba the hut and whatever why is he back because he's because he oh that's right because he sees leia on the television he's like that's bad news huh so uh first appearance of television also yes that's right star wars universe this is that's the other difference the invention of television most of the rebellion didn't go didn't go across because most people were just watching big bang theory the big bang was the destruction of alderaan

oh okay gotcha right right okay that, right. Okay. It's dead. Yeah. Anyway, so Han's like, listen, Luke, you probably want to do something stupid. Why don't we bloody go and do something stupid together? Let's run away together and get married. Yeah, exactly. And before he goes, Yoda's like, heads up, Darth Vader's your father and Princess Lager's sister.

And Luke's like, wow, that's a lot of knowledge that you've dropped on me, but I appreciate you telling me now as opposed to me finding this out hanging from a weird rickety bridge. Missing an arm. Missing an arm, exactly. So he handles it pretty well. I feel you've handled this excellent, you've given me this information in an excellent way.

You could potentially do that in every timeline, in every dimension of reality. Not that that's relevant here, obviously. But it's great that you did it this way because any other way would be counterproductive. Yes, absolutely. Could probably cause a moment of weakness for me in my greatest time of need.

But this has been great. Two thumbs up, Yoda. Two thumbs up, mate. So Han's like, look, Luke, whatever dumb thing you want to do, let's bloody go. Let's hit the mate. So Han's like, look, Luke, whatever dumb thing you want to do, let's bloody go. Let's hit the road. And Yoda's like, hey, man, I haven't seen...

Hey, man. Thank you. I haven't seen Coruscant in many parsecs, presumably. There's tons of parsecs. So many. He's like, I'm going to come along too. And they're like, oh, all right. Stop sneezing, dog.

No, she's all right. So back on Coruscant, the celebrations continue. They eclipse the sun with the Death Star. That's fun. It's a show of, like, all is well, citizens. This is an apt and positive metaphor. We're going to darken your whole planet for as long as we like to show the non-threatening nature of your governmental system.

Yeah. So then Vader turns to the Emperor and he's like, listen, I think something bad's going to happen. And the Emperor's like, shut up! Shut up! But he's right. Something really bad is going to happen. So they land the Falcon in the Death Star hangar bay

and Yoda gets out and he walks down to the gantry. Wait, how did they get in the bloody... They just fly in because you can. He is flying. They would have tractor-beamed them in. They've done it before. That's how do they get in the bloody... They just fly in, because you can. He is flying. They would have tractor-beamed them in. They've done it before. Yeah, that's true. It looks like the same place as well.

Presumably they've got thousands of them, but I don't know. Destiny. And Yoda mind-tricks a stormtrooper and he's like, hey, why don't you take me to bloody Tarkin? That'd be pretty good. And so Luke, Han, Chewie,

and I think, yeah, just those three, they land down on the surface. You don't see Yoda doing that many mind-tricks when you think land down on the surface you don't see Yoda doing that many mind tricks when you think about it no you don't see him doing much of anything well not in the original

trilogy first recorded first recorded case of a Yoda mind trick that might actually I think it'd be maybe better if out when Yoda's out in the field it's just him punching people

there's no he's like when you when you become a true master of the force actually it just circles all the way around. You don't do any Force anymore. You just hit people. That seems...

Yeah, that sounds good. Oh, that'd be great, wouldn't it? You reach that level and it's like, you're free to punch anybody you want. That's right. Enlightenment, I guess. So they go down to the surface of Coruscant and they march into the throne room

or the entrance, the hallway. And do you know those Red Guards? Remember those Red Guards from Return of the Jedi? They turn up, but they've all got double-sided lightsabers. So Han and Luke have a bit of a fight. And by a bit of a fight, I mean Luke hurls a double-sided lightsaber and cuts two of those guys in half at the same time. And then Han stabs a guy in the back.

So it's pretty brutal. Yeah, it's pretty good. I like it. And then they go into the Emperor's throne room and Luke and Leia fight because she's like, I'm all about the dark side or whatever. Is she wearing the Darth Vader suit? No, she's wearing like a blackish outfit.

Then that prophecy's dumb, isn't it? Yeah, but Luke never wore the Darth Vader suit. It's like what could be? It's a metaphor. But Luke wore the Darth Vader suit during Jedi Halloween. Okay, sure. As a laugh. You got me.

You got me. I can't argue with that. They fight for a bit and then Luke drops the knowledge on her at the right time. Sure. Listen, we're related. That guy's your father. And they stop fighting. Sorry we kissed that time.

That didn't happen. That's true. Oh, okay, right. But then he's like's like do you want to should we kiss now so they turn to the emperor and they're like you can't stop us we're jedis just like our father and he's like i bloody can and he electrocutes them you know how he does that and that as he's doing that of course vader steps in and grabs the emperor and there's a it's a bit of a scuffle. There's a tussle, sure. But it's mostly just Vader getting electrocuted. Yeah. And then Vader's down on his knees.

He's like, oh, that did not go well. And Luke and Leia and Han have left. And then you see Yoda pop up on the screen, and he's like, hello, Emperor. It's me, Yoda. You remember me. We had that weird fight in the Senate. We were throwing things at each other,

and you tipped over in that chair, and I saw your butt. Do you remember that? Oh, yeah, sure, yeah. That was pretty good. And the Emperor's like, why don't you bloody come down here and bloody face me, eh? Talk a big game. And Yoda's like, oh yeah, I will.

I will come down. I'll be seeing you real soon. All right? Uh-huh. So what Yoda does, he takes the entirety of the Death Star that he's driving and smashes it into the Emperor

and presumably Vader and literally millions of imperial citizens who are just minding their own business and ends the war, sacrificing himself in the greatest way imaginable as opposed to just fading away. And a lot of innocent people. He sacrificed a lot of innocent people.

Yeah, he certainly did. People were just going about their day and then looks like what a bloody what a bloody legend he was good wasn't he and then it's the end they have a ceremony as you're wanting to do on such an occasion so what i feel we've learned from this is yes if yoda got his ass into gear yeah on, he probably could have saved everyone with no intervention from any of the other characters. Yeah, it seems that way, yeah. Yeah.

Probably could have skipped the five years of training. Well, it wasn't really necessary, was it? No. Yeah, he could have just landed, yeah, got to the controls, smashed it into the Emperor. Yeah. Oh, well.

But it wasn't his destiny. Or it was was but there was another thing that sort of had to happen they had to save some people yeah who turned out to be not but then he killed all those other people so i mean you know swings and roundabouts mate isn't it though right look the first the first star wars episode they blew up the death stone presumably they were like three or four good people on that sure yeah I mean there was probably more on Coruscant

but who are we to judge mate it's a time of war you do things that you don't necessarily want to do though if you look at the comic he's smiling

he's well in it that's right yeah well he probably had that he probably had that vision as a very young man one day you'll cause a very large genocide

at the space station and he's like, oh, fingers crossed. Hey, if you enjoyed this audio version, don't worry, there is also a video version with animations going on in it. I haven't seen it yet, but it's probably amazing. Almost, I have seen it. And it is amazing.

Great. Even though I'm on it now? Yeah. That's your vision of the future. That's your smashing a space station into a planet. Destiny. But no, thank you very much. We'll be back next week for another episode of Caravan of Garbage.

Star Wars special. You know it is. I said Star Wars. That's fine. I'll edit all around it. It's all good. Anyway, we appreciate it. You'll edit some sort of dubstep where I'm just going, Star Wars, Star Wars. Alright. Oh, I said just going Star Wars, Star Wars. All right. So the thing that you said.

Oh, I said grab a jam, you guys. We'll see you next week. See you next week.